Tuesdays with Stories! - #394 Sushi & Chalamet

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

It's an action packed Tuesdays as Mark gets his show bootlegged before catching a Knicks game while Joe gets recognized by some undercovers before heading to Tampa. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: My Bookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays), BLUBlox (blublox.com/tuesdays), Sunday (getsunday.com/tuesdays), & Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Woo! Here we are, folks! We're back in town! We're in the studio, we're in the apartment, there's a cat walking around and you got a T. There's a big cat and we got new cameras and we have a sponsor, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by MyBookie. You got that right. It's almost April. Tournament Insanity is going into the final stretch. By the way, one of the craziest tournaments ever, the most highest seeds, the highest number of seeds, there's a 14, there's an 11, it's crazy out there.

Wild seed, I've been throwing my seed on my father's back, but MyBookie is the best way to get in the action. I love the tournament, I've been loving the tournament, they've got some people in there, there's some crowd now and I've been betting my eyes out and I've been doing it by using MyBookie. You can score big on the non-stop action with MyBookie's Bracket Contest. It's your chance to win $10,000 in cash prizes, the best part, it's only a dollar to enter, Mark. You got a buck. Wow, I got a buck. Whether you're filling out tons of brackets, betting on the national championship winner, or simply looking for player and game props, MyBookie has you covered.

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Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me.

Woo-ah! Hey, folks, here we are. We're poddin'. We're back at the apartment. I like a leather couch. It's sticky. Sorry. I like a leather couch. This is nice. I love a leather couch. This thing was a whole cum-guzzler to get.

It's from Denmark. Well, apparently. Copenhagen? Probably Ikea, but it's got one of those names like kaplunked, you know? Right. Ikea does that. They have the P and the F next to each other. Right, yeah.

And the E's got two weird Indian dots on top. That's a P F. That's right. Where are they? What's their deal? Where are they from? They did a vaccine in Viagra. What's that name? Is that Dutch, German, gay? Maybe it's a combination of two guys.

Like Pi and Zer. Like Paul Pfizer? Yeah. Well, whatever. I have a couch that is like a piece of shit. How long does a couch last? Would you guess? How long are you going for with a couch? I mean, I keep a pair of jeans for 30 years.

Well, first of all, we're going to have to talk about my jeans at some point. I'm so self-conscious if you're watching on YouTube. Look at this. Yeah, what are you, a Huck Finn? I mean, Chuck Finn. I mean, look at this. They shrank. I got fat. I think it's the waist. They look okay standing.

I don't get the fat short. How do your parents wouldn't shorten? Because they don't sag. They're not loose. They're like tight, so they're restricted, you know what I mean? Like if I hold the mic loose, it's just hanging down here. If I tighten it. I think that's all I can imagine. Unless they're shrinking in my bureau.

I don't know what happened, but I'm so uncomfortable with jeans now. Because I wore sweatpants for six years. What's the length on that? I go 32, 30. That's what I wear. I'm 32, 34, but I need a 32, 35. But you got a special order that. So I think I got to start specially ordering pants like fucking Andre the Giant or Carmen Lynch.

Isn't that weird that pants, you're not that abnormally. You got a cookie mouth and the herp and the forehead. But you're not abnormally shaped. I think I am abnormally shaped. Really? I'm very, well most people that are this long are fat.

There's very few people that are this big without being fat. Usually like a 30, like you find like a 38, 34. Right. There's not a lot of long beans. I'm a big bean. You're a long bean town giraffe. Look at that, wow.

It's still there. Not agility. Agility is like cats. I think you mean flexibility. Flexibility. P.F. mobility. Yeah, my pants, every time I go, I just bought some at Levi's. I hate them. They feel like I'm wearing wood.

You're like, God damn, I can't get these loose. And I had jeans for 30 years. They got stolen. But they don't have my size either. They always go, let me check the back. And then they go, we can order them, but it's going to be a month and a half. I'm wearing big and tall. I say anything with sweat pants. They come way up. I'm just too long.

I mean, my legs are just long, which nobody's into. Women like tall and handsome, tall, dark, handsome, tall, dork and handsome. That's Mike Kaplan. Check it out. How important is dark, by the way, in those three? Yeah, that's a little unfair to the Irish,

the albinos, the the blondies out there, the pales, the freckle. Sweden, Norway, Scandinave, very pale. The other one? Yeah. But anyways, so dark and handsome,

they like tall, but they don't like lanky. No woman's like, I'm into lanky. I like a really long dude. I know, but I feel like they just go at the bar and they see your kooky head, like a periscope, whoop, whoop, over. And they go, that's the guy. Yeah, but then there's the jaw.

I got an Adam's apple that's further than my chin. They can get over that. It's like big tits. Double D way. I guess they get over, but I think tall is trumped by the teeth, the jaw, the thing. I mean, it's not good. It's not a good scene. And I've said it before,

which one's my camera? If I look directly into the camera, I'm okay. If I close my mouth and look straight in. There you go. That's not bad. But from your angle, the side, it's atrocious. I can't even look.

It's straight to the camera. It's over by one tooth is pointing inside at my throat. I mean, it's just horrendous. I used to do a joke about that on first dates. I'd have to drive like this to keep me close. But my wife, God, lover, she fucks me right in the ass with a dildo.

I hope you go doggie just so she's staring at the Picasso on the wall. I look like a Picasso. I got, you know. Two tits, one's over here. He was good. And then the bot, I had working a little bit, the torso.

But then pandemic hit and now I'm a fat queef and it's just all over. It's bad news bears. Yeah, so you're saying you would take being 5 10 with no lank and a chin. I would love to lose three inches off the leg. I assume it's the leg.

If they took it off my torso or my forehead wouldn't be bad either. The leg. Plus, you got to go on an airplane. You're in coach. It's a nightmare, that middle seat. It's over. I remember in eighth grade, I was sitting in this weird way and Laura, I think her name was Barry. Laura Barry. She said

Laura Barry and she said she started like giggling and I was like so self guy. I was like, why, why did I piss my pants? Do I have AIDS again? She said, you're just so long. What? And it's been like festering in my head for 30 years. I was like, what do you mean? She's like, nothing. You just got long legs. It's funny

and she wasn't being mean. She was just like, it's funny. It's like subjectively or effectively funny. Yeah. I see. That's the meanest insult when they go like, well, what's up with that? You're like, they're not trying to be mean. They just don't get it. Right. Oh, that stings. Fuck you, Barry, Laura.

Well, Ronon has that great joke about a kid just being like fat. Yes. Exactly. He's not trying to be mean. He's just like, oh, I know what that is. That's fat. Yeah. Kids are fun because they're so ignorant. I have nieces and nephews and they'll be like, that lady's old. Your dad's gay.

And then they just hit the jack people steal whatever it is. And they just say these crazy things and that because they're just seeing it. Right. Well, I mean, I mean, this is a they're getting worse because they're sinking in and they're tight on my My dick. I mean, if you get on the

YouTube and look at this, this is a problem. This is offensive. This is a sex crime right here. It's bad news bears. And I got to turn them in. But I don't remember being like this last year. Do you remember? You had a high I'm getting in a calf here. Part of it is the scene.

I think it's your weird couch. The couch doesn't help. It's a cushy. You sink in. It's covered in semen. So yeah, it's a different world. But I last said we were on a regular chair there. Sorry about the puke. And we were on a regular chair and I could see your knees.

I'm really thinking about killing myself. And the letter is just going to be the pants. It's going to say pants and I might illustrate the little thin ankles coming out. It's a pants. Demic. But so anyways, back to the couch thing. Sarah and I bought a couch. We moved in in May of 2016.

We got new neighbors coming by the way. Polufo and Rogers. I smell a sitcom. Good dance team. Yes. They're a couple of days. So they're moving in. I'm very excited. You ever do something where you're like, you take an action. I'll get to the couch eventually. But you ever it's like

Jerry when he gets a lay in the apartment in the early episodes. They're the apartments opening up and I'm like, they're a couple. They live with another couple, which no couple wants to live with a couple. No, that's a nightmare. Nightmare. It's a great couple. Jeff, she and Chloe Radcliffe. Another great couple. Two great couples.

Good eggs. Wonderful eggs. So I go, I know they were looking for an apartment. They want to move back to Astoria eventually. This apartment's opening. So I hit on him. The inside tip. You guys should get the place. Jump on it. Then they get it. And I'm like, I'm doing service. I'm helping my landlord

because they're going to be great tenants. They got a great apartment. And then that moment when the dust settles where you're like, Oh boy, they're going to hear my rants. They're going to be fucking. I'm going to hear them fucking, which is, that's not, that's a perk. Yeah, that's not bad. That's on the wall there. Roger's got that huge dick. Yeah,

big dick, Raj. I don't want to hear that. What if I hear that through the kitchen? I'm making eggs and I just hear your cocks huge. Well, do me a favor and audio it and I'll take a peek. I mean, it's one thing to understand that that guy is a big dick, but if I have to like hear it. Yeah, you hear that jackhammer pounding.

You can't get any reading done. But I'm with you. But here's the clinker. Is it, you want the, you want the high five. You want the BJ. You want the, hey, you got he got it. You're the hero, but you don't want the living. You just want the goods. Well, I want to be here and it does benefit

me, by the way, because you got some nice friends. First of all, you leave it up into anybody. You might have fucking, you know, yeah, Kevin Gale. Well, I was going to say a Kessler. Oh, you might have a Kessler situation. Yeah. And of course, Sarah's like, are they going to be over here? They're not taking our butter.

You know, she loves butter. So we're worried about that butter face. That's me. Not her. But butter finger. But anyways, butter anyways. Can't believe it's not but what's a buttress, butchers. What's that word?

You see it every once in a while. What's that? He's a guy. It seems like a Gorbachev, I think. But isn't there a butchers, like there's like something in a butchress, like a butler and a butchress? Is that a female butler? Maybe it's a female butler. I think I might have just figured it out. Or it's a

porn star rolling in his anal. But anyways, it benefits me too. I got a couple close friends. I know it's not going to be some, some loud assholes. It's going to be some nice assholes. And so, and we could go, hey, I'm going to Bucks or whatever. But there's going to be some of those, you're sneaking out to get the mail. Hey, you want to hang like, ah, shit.

My eyes shit my pants. You got half a boner. You're in a, you're in a boxer. You got a slipper on. Your hair's sticking straight up and they go, hey, come into our podcast. Like, ah, I'm hungover. I'm gay. I just want to go get the milk. But luckily our, our, you know, bed is in the

back. Yeah. Thank God. I don't know who knows where theirs is, though, because when that big old hammer starts laying down the pipe, I mean, you might hear a you know, you see the pigeons flap away because it's so loud. Never

know. Pigeons flap away. Yeah. Yeah. That was a big thing in the, in every 80s movies. Remember like the guy would be like, ah, they, yeah, yeah. Every movie. Yeah, that was big and that, yeah, that's fun. I guess they use that one to death. Yeah. But sometimes you just want to bring all

that back, you know, you know, it's gone too of the, the films of the 70s was the zoom. Nobody zooms anymore. Zoom got cheesy though. Yeah. And those days touched on it. Exactly. It'd be like, whoop. But anyway, it's the couch. I got to get the couch. Get the couch. We moved

in May of 2016. It's now April almost of 20, 21. So that's, I'm not going to ask you. I think that's five years, right? Sure. Wow. Live there for five years. That's fucking crazy. I think a couch can hang. A couch can go with it.

You just don't want the Goddy, Godfather, not God, scarface, cocaine, black leather, puffy, you know, they get a little dated. You don't want that thing. You don't want the weird black ceramic panther on the, on the, on the coffee table anymore. Right. Well, our couch

is shit. We need a new couch. And Sarah's like, we can't get a new couch. It's only five years old. Couch should be 30 years, but 30 years. It's caved in. Like, I have to set up a pillow throne for the couch to be citable. That's out. So it's a piece of shit. And she's like, but we just got it. But I'm like, well, the reality

is it stinks now. So what difference does it make? We got to get rid of it. We got fucked. We got a bad couch. But I will say a couch is no small order. I mean, that's that's a shipping, a delivery, a Guatemalan guy with a waist, one of those weight belts they wear for some reason. Oh, it's

lower back support. Thank you. Lumber. LBS. And it's, it ain't cheap. You go for a decent cow. I mean, you're cooking up eight grand here. Eight grand? Couple grand. I think it's like a Honda. Right? Maybe five. I think like 22, they screw off the legs, but maybe

I went too cheap last time. You got, yeah, that's why you got a sinker. You go Jennifer Convertibles, a lazy boy or a Barkalounge. Right. You're putting up some dough there, Fatty. All right. Well, maybe I'll get an in-betweener. Like a four, 42.

Get a 42. That's a good year. Something like that. Yes. I think that was World War II. Big war going on. That was our second year. Yeah. You never hear about 42, 43. 41, you have Pearl Harbor. We get involved. 44, you got D-Day, 45.

You got the Japanese thing there. It's the same with Nam. It's always like the 60s, but Nam went to 75. Yeah. There was a lot of business in early 60s. I think 75 was like the last they took over whatever. Yeah. They were all afraid of Nixon. They were like, yeah, this guy's crazy. And then they bounced him and then Ford

came in. They were like, full system ahead, full steam ahead, whatever. That's the thing with Nixon. We talk about, ah, Trump is taking a piss on the natives and he called the Mexicans a rapist. But Nixon cried on TV and got shipped off at a helicopter

and they found a water gate. He kind of got canceled first. They found footage. He was talking shit. He said the n-word and they booted him. I respect the bail before you get fired. That's a great move. Good move. Good night, everybody. I quit. I'm not, fuck you. I'll see you later. Just drop the mic and leave

and hell of a speech, by the way. I mean, I don't want to go full political tilt, but he gave quite a speech. I mean, so emotionally he says my staff was this. Yeah. We were doing the right thing and I'm not a crook and my father's gay. It was quite a speech and ugly guy loved football and Hunter S. Thompson didn't care for him.

No, and Elvis loved him. That was a weird flip. It was kind of a Kanye move and Elvis got in there. Everybody's like, what's going on here? But, you know, he was on pills and hamburgers. And he loved bowling. He put a bowling alley in the White House. Oh, that's fun. We know a lot about Nixon. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Frost. Yeah. Oh, I had a thing on Nixon. Shit. I lost it. Tricky dick. I'm not a crook. Yeah, he got canceled. I don't know. He's a guy I'd like to hear. He died, huh? Yeah. I think a long time ago. Yeah. 90s, early 90s.

I'd like to hear about what happened to him after the impeachment. He started to get like a likeable again. Really? He started to become like a voice in the public and thing. He was like, ah, I vouch for this guy. Like, people forgive. People forgive. They used to forgive. I don't know if they forgive anymore.

That's an interesting point. Yeah, well, we'll see, I guess. In the words of the big Jew himself, Ari Shafir, woke as a religion except there's no religion. I mean, no forgiveness. The thing is, you fucked up the delivery. I ruined the lean. God damn it. I blew it. Your pants threw me off.

I'm not sure how great it is. Anyways, I mean, these ankles are freezing. I need the 80s socks. Hey, you need the flash dance. You know what's tough? We got a new film crew in here. We got a guy Chuck shooting us. He's smiling a little bit. But we got no timer. We don't have the thing. So I'm like, where are we? A half hour in here. I have no idea.

I don't know how to read the ad. I don't know when to do what. I mean, I'm lost. We're 15. That's a quarter of the way. Okay. We haven't gotten to anything. Another one of these and we'll, we'll get to the, the ad of Ruse. Another one of what? A quarter? Another one of these 15 minutes. That was pretty impressive. Mark's

working on his math. Thank you. I mean, that was a fraction too. That wasn't just some bullshit arithmetic. No, I just doubled the 15 to 15 is 30. Right. But you knew it was a quarter to half. I mean, that's a, I guess it's arithmetic and a fraction. Hey, all right. I got a tutor.

Oh, remember a tutor? I had to get a tutor that nothing worse than a tutor. I never had a tutor because I'm not retarded, but I've heard about people with tutors and you have a lady come over. Did you fuck her? Because that's what I would want to do. Well, it was a little Asian boy. So yes, but it was hell

because you go to school all day. School is hell. You be called a retard and and a derelict and a spaz and then you go home and they're like, all right, now Zing Yang is here and he's going to teach you the ropes. She's like, God, David, I just the full day's work at the, at the sweatshop

and now I got old, you know, Ming Hai. Yeah, give me the give me the business. So and I'm not going to learn either way, folks. Let's be honest. I'm reminded of one of my down with Asian hate. One of my favorite jokes ever was our pal, Greg Johnson.

You remember funny, son of an onion. He said, I haven't heard the word spaz in a while and people would say, dude, how come you don't have a Boston accent and say, uh, because I'm not a spaz. hilarious joke.

What a weird, what a weird response, but hilarious. I mean, that's funny that he wrote that down. Like, oh, this will be bit number two, not a spaz. But it's so funny. Someone's like, oh, you got to go down the yacht and get a new fucking guy. You're a spaz.

That's crazy. It is weird. You don't see me going, I guarantee. I'll tell you what. I'm going to buy you. It's a spazzy thing to do and it's such a funny bit because it makes me like cry laugh. But I'm like a regular audience must just kind of be like, well, the spaz I love jokes like that because I'm sitting here

going, what's the difference between a couch and a sofa? What's going on with that? One you sit on and one you, you know, whatever. And then he's like, hey, this guy's a spaz. That's funny. Oh, so funny. He's got another one about, I think his brother's gay and he found his box set of golden girls. It was all like beat up and tattered

and he's like, what do you travel with this? And he goes, no, it's just natural wear and tear. That's right. We started together, same age, same everything and huge hog on that guy, by the way. What? Huge dong. No kidding. I knew his girlfriend. She said he was

wearing out magnums. Right Johnson. Huge. It makes sense because he's so laid back. He's got a huge hog. You don't have to worry about anything in life. He's six, three, huge dong, funny guy. I don't know what he's doing now, but

went to B.C. Boston, got a smart guy. Boston College, Catholic College. And she was a hot piece too, so he just had it made. I think he's on heroin now because you can't be gifted that many things and then make it. Well, he had some male pattern baldness going.

That's something. That's tough. So does Bill Burr. I mean, he can make it work. True. Jason Stibald used to be a problem, but Bald has become accepted as much like the black. You know what I think about the beginning of like the P.C. We got an inclusion and everything, which is good.

But the beginning of it getting a little bit like what was Patrick Stewart winning Sexiest Man Alive. That was bad. I remember going overcorrection. Patrick Stewart. They're like, wow, we got to include old bald assholes.

It was the pre fat. Now we do it with fat people, but it used to be, you know, Bald was bad. That was the nice thing then. Right. But I'm like, Jason Alexander going to get it. I mean, Patrick Stewart. I guess he's whatever, but

you know who else got it was E.R. the guy Anthony Edwards, that nerd. No. He didn't get Sexiest Man, but he was like on all the all the women are like, oh, hey, he's a hot number. That doctor there. Well, they do small categories. Sexiest nerd, sexiest doctor, but like Patrick

Stewart was like, here's the number one overall. Like he's the at large number one. And then the wrench and the queers is he's a big gay. Patrick Stewart. He is a large homosexual. Are you sure? Chuck, can we I'm pretty

E. McCown's gay. Oh, I don't know. I'll bet the dimes to donuts that big Patty stew is a as a butt pirate. Interesting. I never heard that. I don't know. I dabble

in the gay world and I'm on a few sites. Okay. And I've heard his name come up quite a bit and my mom was into him, so he does have some cred, but my mom's a chunky lady with a you know, a moo moo on Crocs. I mean, I'm not saying he's not handsome, but like

he's sexier than Brad Pitt. No. I mean, it's like ridiculous. It was a throw out. It was a, hey, here you go, dickless. You know, your head is shiny. Go nuts. Well, I don't know if he's gay. That's exciting because I'm thinking about going that way. But that's quite an accusation if he's not. I'm not accusing.

I'm pretty sure he's into the dongs. No, I'm kidding. It's not an accusation. It's a whatever. It's a lifestyle. Yes. The rich and famous. Yes, he's rich. And famous. Is he a sir? I know McKellen's a sir, but is Stuart a sir? Sir Patrick Stewart. That sounds right.

Here you get sir for your work at Dairy Queen as the manager. You're a sir. Right. You don't get knighted though. They did a whole sword on the on the shoulder. Yeah, it's exciting. I mean, a lot of sirs. Sir Elton Sir Paul McCartney. Did Ringo get served? No, no, he got served.

Oh, papers. Yes. Probably for that. You're 16. You're beautiful in your mind, Bullshit. When are we getting the musicians? It's so fascinating to me. They have the, the Me Too and all the stuff. Musicians have been pretty much spared. No.

What about MJ? Well, he's more than a musician. But like rock and roll, like Robert Plant. All those guys had like 15 year old girlfriends. Yeah. Yeah. And that was totally, it was cool. They're like, look at these guys. They're fucking rock stars. They're throwing shit out of a window and banging toddlers.

Which I'm not saying, hey, let's go ruin these people's lives. No. I'm just saying it's fascinating that like, I think all of those guys were fucking teenagers. Oh yeah. I mean, Chaplin, Richard Lewis, really? Ricky Lee Lewis? I think Jerry Lee Lewis. I think Jack

Nicholson was fucking a 16 year old. Wow. I believe. Don't quote me on that. Google that and Patrick Stewart. But I think a lot of these people were doing some hardcore teen fucking. Oh yeah. I think it was pretty well known. And it was almost like it was a gift to the, to the world.

Like, oh, you're this great of an artist. Here's a tween. Right. You know, Woody Allen, MJ R. Kelly. Like, here you go buddy. Chaplin. Get in there. You earned it. Great movie. Yeah. Tricky. All right. Let's get into some real stories.

All day there. Loppy. Jalopy. I got a, I got a just some, some wacky stuff. I haven't seen you in a while. And boy, oh boy, that's a. Is this in the shot? That's a white cankel. Oh, look at that. All right. Sorry. Get to the story. Between the

ankle and the profile. I'm on tilt. I apologize. I hate what I look like. I'm going to take my own life at some point. Not today, but. Have you thought about some sort of a, because I got a, I got a bit of a, a turkey dick here and I've thought about, they got these

these things now. We just go and they go and then it sucks it right up. Yeah. I don't, I don't know about that. I can't do that. I'll just have to accept that I'm a piece of shit. My wife has sex with me occasionally. That's good enough and I'll get some new pants and you know, just hate myself throughout life. Reverse cow,

doggy style, even the lay down on the side from behind is fun. You got some options. Yeah. There's some stuff. Maybe throw a mask on yourself. Oh, there you go. All right. So where you been? I've been to Kentucky. We talked about Kentucky. I don't think so.

I try not to. Yeah. Well, I've only been there because you land in Kentucky to go to Cincinnati, which is very strange. But then again, I land in Newark to come home. Yeah. Great airport, by the way, the northern Kentucky Cincinnati airport. Beautiful airport. I got to say, I'm in the Kentucky. I had the thing where I drove,

you know, you get to the airport, you drive in, you're like, look at these rolling hills, these long roads, there's a horse, there's a cow, there's a fat lady. I'm like, I like Kentucky. Well, I got to say, maybe we've talked about it before, off air, but I mean, I've always talked about that's where I fantasize about moving to is northern Kentucky

because I love Cincinnati. Kentucky's even cheaper and everything you're saying, the rolling hills, Louisville's right there, go to some basketball games. You can get a fucking mansion for 180 bucks a month. Yeah. And you're so close to all these markets, Columbus, Cleveland, Nashville,

Chicago, your mother's ass. So, I'm here, you're on the Kentucky, and you get a vote that matters, which is nice. And the bourbon, and the horses, and the fried chicken. Yeah, I think that's probably that. Oh, Kentucky fried chicken. Yeah.

But, but I got to say, and it's kind of cool because nobody big lives in Kentucky. People get the fuck out of Kentucky. Kentucky's a punchline. Hey, nice, you got no teeth, Kentucky, you're drunk, you're a guy wearing a barrel, you know, but you live in Kentucky, it's like, look at this guy

going against the grain. Yeah, KY jelly. Yes, I prefer jam, but here's the clinker, is I land there, I'm like, this is great. Everybody's so nice, there's a couple of hot southern bell houses over there, it's pretty great.

And just great club, everybody was so nice and here's the clinker though, I land, I had a layover because that's the problem with Kentucky, you got to have a layover. Right. So that killed me. So did the layover in Charlotte, flights delayed.

Here we go. And I'm I'm a landed four o'clock guy shows at seven. I like to get in as late as possible. Pushing it back, pushing it back shows at 715 because it's curfew pandemic and I don't land until

650. Yikes. I get picked up by the owner of the club, but this is the bad part. I plan it out where I shower before the show. Okay. But now with this layover, I got no shower time, but I haven't showered in like four days, I have smell,

my balls reek, my hair is on fire, I have horrible B.O. I'm wearing a, you know, a fooboo shirt with jizz on it, it wasn't good. So I land and the whole time I'm like, I got no shower time, I got it, I can't go to the club like this because they want to just pick you up and bring you.

Right. And I go, I got a shower and he goes, don't worry, the hotel is next to the club. We'll get the opener on, then the feature. So I ran to the hotel, checked in, showered, ran right on! Hot show. So you're showering while the show is happening.

That's the worst feeling to me. It's horrible. I try to do it, I want to be the rock and roll guy, but the feeling of the show going while you're in the other, even last night we did that Long Island gig. Yeah. Just being in the other way. So you want to talk about that project and I'm like, what are you crazy? I'm on in like four minutes.

I can't, I'm like, what if you have a heart attack and die? What if, you know, you take a shit on the lady or whatever, you've got to, I want to be present in the room. That scares me. But don't you get a rush out of it a little because being late, not late, but being rushed is a bit of a drug for me because

I hate show, I don't want to go in the show, I don't want to brush my teeth, I don't want to wipe my ass. But when you're in a rush, you don't think about that, you're just like, I hope I make it. It kind of makes everything less annoying. Interesting. I feel the complete opposite. I feel like it's the most thing. I want to take a shower for 40 minutes, sit in there

and close my eyes and really feel the water run down my asshole and I like to, you know, jerk off in there and my knees buckle. It's pretty fun, you know. I like to really enjoy it. I put the soap up, I make a little Hitler stash of the soap so I can really smell it and live it and breathe it. I like that.

You know, I really like to take my time. Late hurry makes me want to just kill myself. Okay, well, I gotta stop saying kill myself. People are going to report us. And I'm getting worried there, ankles. Yeah, I'm fine. All right, so, you know, you shower it up, you know, when you go to an airport and you're like, man, I got to walk all the way to

Terminal 9, it's going to take 20 minutes, but when you're late, you're like, and then you get to Terminal 9, you're like, oh, I just did all that. So, in a weird way, rushing to me is like, it gets you through it. I like to stroll, I like to look at a book, steal it, you know, look at some candy and

decide which candy, stroll over there. Right. But I do, I understand because a lot, I'm so compulsively early that a lot of times I do sit there and I'm like, fuck, I got three more hours. Yes. But, yeah, I like to read or... Yeah, you get a piece of mind. A few times. But here's the come, Guzzler, is

you know, this is hot show killing, it's great, I made it. We pulled it all off. Guy in the front row, just doing this. Oh, video people getting on. Videoing me on stage for the whole time. Oh, I'm thinking the plane. I was in the airport mode.

I thought the guy was... I'm at the show, it's going great, everything's good. I made it, I'm showered, I'm fresh, I'm having a hot set, I'm in Kentucky, I'm loving it and just... Oh, boy. I mean like... Bootlegging. Bootlegging. I'm a bootleger, Jerry. And it, like, he thinks

I'm an idiot, he's in the front row. He's like this, just, I know what you're doing, you cunt. And then I yell at him and I go, can you turn that off, blah, blah, blah. And he gets pissy. He's like, all right, and now he's just sitting there with his girlfriend, like

can you believe this shit? And I'm like, just enjoy the show now, like you did a bad thing, why am I the bad guy? Right. Ah, trust me, that's... Yeah, that's frustrating. Where's the club? They're not keeping an eye on this? They got no security. It's very mom and poppy, it's a good room

and it's just a little I don't want to say rinky dinky, but it's just, it's old school. They got the bartender guy, he's got a 5 o'clock ass, and the fat waitress named Ethel, and she calls you hun, and she's got a pen in her hair. I love a hun. It touches me to my soul. Ring on the

Tilla. But yeah, so that, that thing annoyed the shit out of me, and then I was bitching about it, and the guy, the club local goes, that guy's here every week he buys a ticket to do that. So he's getting his fucking content for 29 bucks and a couple of drinks

and then he goes out and does whatever with it. So he's like a real bootlegger. Oh yeah, comedy boot. It's interesting, because music this exists in music of course, and I'm sure this has been discussed many places, but with comedy with music you just put it on, you're like here's the show, and people can go oh I'm watching

the Pearl Jam show on YouTube, but it's not a replacement of buying a ticket where stand up, it's all surprise. So if you release it, you're ruining the show. If you release a stone show, it's not ruined, people are like oh wow they're playing sympathy for the devil on this tour, and he wears a funny hat with a skull, but if you release

bits, people go oh I've seen this. Yeah, you're doing the, hey he's got the rap behind the back, you're like you're telling how our secrets basically. Yes, exactly. So fuck that guy sir, you suck, don't do that anymore. Sucks. I think we solved that. Had a great I had a great opener too, this guy

Blake Hammond, I gotta give him a shout out. Super funny, we worked on bits. One of these guys I asked Mark Shalifu, I don't know if you know him. Yeah, Shalifu. Shalifu, sorry. Oh, he's got another one of my favorite jokes. He's a great joke writer. Yeah, it's fantastic. So I asked him and he was like ah, I just had a kid

I'm gay, you know, my mom's gay or whatever, so I was like alright well if you know anybody in the Kentucky area, he goes you gotta check out this guy, and I was like yeah fuck him, fuck it, which is a risk. But he was great, great comic. What's that Shalifu joke, he's got a joke about I'm really into feminism because I have a wife

and a daughter, so as a guy that owns two women, I really have to keep my eye on that. Something like that. I'm ruining the joke but that's what you do if you get it. I can see where he's cooking there. Yeah. Own two women is fun. Yes. Yeah. Now let me, we gotta do an ad but let me throw this down your butt pipe

and see if it gets on the wall. Oh boy. Sorry, that was a sneeze. Excuse me. Went to brunch the next day, you know, pretty hung over, you're trying to get a cup of, you just want that coffee and you need it to heal your body, that black fixer and

bottomless coffee, it says on the menu, it's like, oh, bottomless. First of all, her labia is going to be out, this will be great, but you get one coffee, I never see her again. What do you mean? Well, she was a busy, busy coos, so she was gone, the waitress

and it's Kentucky, so they give you a cup of coffee, they figure you're good for the week. Right, there's anything that's like all you can eat, all you can drink, all you can queef, it's always a trick. It's a lie. Yeah, exactly. Like, I remember thinking that my friend was like, he was

like into the prostitute scene and he's like, I'm like, what is that guy? He's like, it's 300 bucks an hour. And so I was like, wow, she can like fuck a couple times. He's like, no, if you come, that's the end of it. What? Yeah, you can't like, it's not really an hour, it's 100 bucks an hour or a come. Yes.

So you can't just come and then wait 10 minutes and come again. Yeah. You get an hour if you do come, but if you come, that ends the hour. So it's actually beneficial to not come. I wish you could sue the whore because, you know, that's false ad and you're lying to me.

Plus, you get out on a loophole. You know, I come in 11 seconds and now I just wasted 59.82. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, causing my Yeah, so similar situation to getting coffees like getting a prostitute.

And don't write bottomless. Well, she's wearing panties and second of all, I got one cup. What do you think about when people go to strip clubs and they're like, it's a great strip club, but they wear the bottoms. I'm kind of like, I don't need to see a pussy. Oh, I just agree.

I mean, I'm like, to me, the face, the breast, the tummy, the legs, the feet, the armpits, the elbows, the pussy itself, they all look pretty similar. I mean, it's just lips and whatever. Wow, there's a couple of, you know, outside the car store, what do you call that,

the inflatable wacky guy? Right. There's a couple of those out there, but I think it's just, hey, hey, this is the real deal. She's all, she's got no clothes on, maybe a wristwatch or an ankle bracelet, but that's it. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I get it. I understand, but like,

I'm never like turned on by a pussy unless I get to eat it or fuck it or finger it. Then I'm excited if I can play with it, but just looking at a pussy doesn't do all that much for me. Looking at a pair of tits, I'm like, whoa, daddy. Ah, see, I have both, and plus tits are so much more common,

like a tit can fall out onto Superbowl, but a pussy ain't going to make the Yankees. Well, every once in a while you had the Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, you got a pussy here and there. That's true, and I've Googled all those, don't get me wrong. Yeah, I'm a pussy, but sure. But it's like anal, anal does not

feel that great, but it's just like, whoa, I'm in the back door, holy shit. Well, it's like I'm always talking about if it was, if I saw, you know, your mom's pussy, that would turn me on, because you're like someone you've, you know, you know, but if you see just a random

lady's pussy, that's not that exciting. God. You know what I mean? Yeah. You've seen it close up. Yeah, I've been excited. I mean, that's wild. Today. It's smeared across your face. Isn't that so weird? I think about that all the time. I mean, just your mom's pussy flew with like that, you know, that string

that attaches and it had to like snap off. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Came right out of there and I stretched it. Well, folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Blue Blocks. Oh, that's right.

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Paul and Eli Sunday. We got one more but maybe we'll do that one a little later. Yeah, yeah, we'll we'll stretch it. What do you call it? Spread it out. Yeah, and again, we're lost on the time here. It's all a wacky. episode. We got a new situation here. We're really taking the

Patreon to the next level. That's what we're working on right now. You might notice our lighting is a little better. The camera is a little different. We're going to everyone. First of all, we have a lot of patrons we appreciate. Thank you. But we're taking it up a level now is a good time to join the Patreon because we've got videos coming HD

high quality. We got a fella here in the room right now. Yes, a big lesbian. He's helping us and he looks great. Oh yeah. And he's a fan. So it's great. Yeah. So get on it, folks. It's about to kick up an extra shit. Some more bonus stuff, more wacky

videos and better angles and quality and the whole nine. And also there's already a ton of shit on there. We've done reviews of Seinfeld episode or what do you call it? Commentary of Seinfeld Curve. We've been doing a bonus every week for the entire pandemic plus all the old live ones, guests,

the old episodes. It's quite a treat in there. We did a full gay porn, by the way. I mean, how can you turn that down? Yes. Strange about the lake. We shot one. We didn't, we didn't, yeah. So I went to a Knicks game. Woo. Wow. Yeah. Then I'm hogging this. What I just got

to tell you about it. No, please do. Well, my agent, we've been, things have been going well with the agency. So he's like, hey, if you ever want to go to a Knicks game, I said, I'll take it. You know, I just jumped right on it and he's like, all right, here you go. Here's some, pick a date, whatever you want. Bring the lady. I said, great. So I figured

some nosebleeds, get a couple of big gulp beers and watch a couple of tall African-Americans. But I show up and they go, we got to test you. And I go, all right, all right, here we go. Test you. COVID. Oh, I didn't mean like basketball trivia. Yeah. Who's the point guard of the year in 1988?

So. Isaiah. Nice. Is he the one with AIDS? No. He was the one that's kind of a mean. He hates Jordan. He's an asshole, little guy, Indiana. Oh, yeah. I thought he was Detroit. Well, school, college, Indiana, and then went to play for the Pistons.

Got it. So how about this? I show up with the lady. Yeah, we're going to a game, whatever. I kind of had to drag her there. We get there. You got to go to security, throw your shit in the tub, you know, your keys and phone, and they go, beep, beep, beep, all Tuesdays.

What? That's a bunch of security guys, you know, out to lunch. Hey, I'm gay. I'm gonna queef it up. Oh, my God. I mean, these guys have guns and a badge, and they're all gays. What? Oh, my God. Shout out to the, I guess, the security of New York or NY,

ANAL, whatever it is, but it was so cool. Wow. Take my pants off and fuck me in the ass right in this couch. You got it. I want to feel your balls on my balls. That's how excited I am. Yes, it was lunch, and then we go in, they're like, hey, what's your name? I'm on the list. The guy goes, oh, I know you are. Get in here, you queef.

And I was like, oh, my God. What? So they bring us in, and it's like pretty high end in there. I'm like, it's this weird room in the garden I've never been to. It's like, this is nice. A couple curtains and some open bar, and they go, all right, we're gonna give you a little test. I look over Mac and Row. Whoa, John.

Yes. All right. Johnny Mack. He's old and leather, jacket, gray hair. You know, he's angry and tall, and like, wow, this is kind of crazy. I'm getting tested. Whoa, only in New York. And then, you know, we get the test back.

They go, well, you guys wait in that waiting area. And I'm like, okay, go to the waiting area, open bar. Like, wow, this is a great open bar in a waiting area. I fucking go a full hog. I'm like, give me two tequilas. She'll have a red wine. And you know what? Give me a shot of this and a Budweiser.

Have it a Boilermaker. Because I'm just trying to load up. I didn't know there was an open bar. Sure. And then I'm sitting there with the lady. We're pounding booze, like a couple of red necks. And she looks over. She goes, is that Timothy's Jalamet? Whoa. And I go, I don't know. I think it is that little twink over there. Boy, he's cute. That's how

what the hell's going on here? I look over there Spike Lee. Yeah, well, it's a next game. It's got to happen. But it's all locking in. And I'm like, this is cuckoo bananas. Turns out I'm in the VIP box suite. Wow. I didn't know it. I thought we'd go to just the seats.

Wow. First of all, love Shalagate. That guy, he can really act. He can act. He's all moody and little. And he's really something. Oh yeah. He's a hot little homo and just so cool and so sexy. He's such a great actor. And she's

you know, flicking the bean all day. She's like, oh my God, he's so hot. By the way, 25, 26. I prefer Patrick Stewart over Shalamet. I don't find him all that attractive, but a fantastic actor. Stole the show in Lady Bird. Yeah. He eats the cum in the other one.

That's fun. Slow down. Yeah. Yeah. He was hot and Stewart's gay and oh, speaking of gay Stewart, John Stewart shows up. Whoa. What is going on here? Fireman. So they go, they lead us to our room. We get this whole box. Tau

is catered sushi steak. I mean, open bar Tau is some cool sushi spot here. So I got the lady here who's like, I will go to this basketball game and get it over with. I guess I'll have a beer and get fingered. And then we show up at Sushi and Shalamet. She's jizzing.

Wow. Sushi and Shalamet. I mean, that sounds like a date night. I mean, I would put both those things in my ass. Yeah. I mean, she was about to grab her ankles because she was in the mood plus the booze was kicking in and she's got a, she's got her little Creepo opera binoculars just staring at

old call me by your name down there. And we had a game was right. We lost, but we lost by a point in overtime. It was an amazing game. There's Yang. There's Stewart. What do you call that? You call it a referee? You know, he's up on his feet. His kids there. I think he's got autism.

The whole night was great. We were on our feet doing this shit. It was great. It feels like it's going to be all celebrities now because they only allow 11 people into the game. So of course it's going to be, you know, Tom Brunansky and Larry Bird or whoever. Right. Couldn't think of another celebrity.

Sure. Nor is Tom Brunansky a celebrity, but I know who that is. I gotta, I gotta ask. I mean, are we going to, am I going to have to adjust my ears to you referring to the Knicks as we? Nick, what are you, Nick? I made me and the lady. We're up on our feet. Oh, but you're like, we lost. So I'm like, oh,

I live in New York. I don't know. All right. I mean, I mean, I want, you know, I'm going to be coming over here. I'm going to hit here stats. I already got to deal with Merrill over here. Really shooting his special with a Knicks hoodie and I call him up. I'm like, can I run a bit? And he's like, let me tell you about free agency first. Right. I'm not going to be able to handle it if it's going to be a,

we did this kind of situation. No, I don't give a shit. I mean, I bought a Jersey and a foam finger, but put that inside the lady. But we, yeah, we just went home and we're both, I got the foam finger. She's got the little triangle flag. We're on the, we're on the subway. Everybody's jerking off. They hate us. We're like, how about those Nick? They lost.

But just a great game like Robinson got traded. Can you believe it? They found him again. Those cunts. And yeah, we came home and did anal. That was a great day. The Normans were in the pennant. Where are we at for time? What's the time? Is it over? I haven't even spoken yet. What is this? Sorry. I had the Knicks game. I had some gold.

But yeah, I take it. I got 38 stories over here. All right. Well, we got a lot of bonuses to cover. Well, batting cages is out. I can't even touch on that. I mean, I really, I ripped it up in the batting cage. Louis stuck. You can't hit a baseball, but whatever. Really? No, he did. Okay. He's got to listen to this. He did fine. It was great. I got in there. She got a couple of Knicks.

A couple of those, like, you know, it's like, and you're like, you got a piece of that one. All right. She's like a special needs kid out there. She got the helmet on. She looked hot. She had a big helmet made her head look, you know, when you're with the same person for years, any change is like, ooh, yeah, you look like a little boy. I'll take it. She had like a double flap helmet. She looked like Chuck Knoblock.

And I was like, this is getting hot. But your new nickname, by the way, Knoblock. Knoblock. I don't know what a Knoblock is, but I'll take it. We got a Chuck, Chuck in the room. Oh, speaking of Tuesdays and security. I mean, my pants are getting worse and worse. Yeah. Yeah. It's a real epitome. I got, I got an adjust here. Let me stand and deliver.

Oh, that's not bad. So I'm walking to my Starbucks every morning. I start my day. I walk to Starbucks on Broadway in a story. I get my, my bucks and I walk around and I contemplate the end of life. Sure. And I'm driving. I mean, I'm walking and this big beat up black caravan, like the doors are all kicked in and it's scraped. And it says honky lips on the side and they do, they do like a whip around,

like a turnaround, like one of these and a guy leans out the window and he's like, fucking Joe list, Tuesday. I got to get a photo. And I'm like, what? And he's wearing a bulletproof vest. What? I swear to God. My dick just shot right out of my pants. Well, it's going to happen tonight. I'm like, oh my God. And they do a turnaround.

He's like, get over here. I got to get a photo. I listened to every podcast. I listened to Joe and Ron. I even listened to that horseshit. I was like, Jesus, this guy's really hardcore. And he goes, I got to take a photo with you. And meanwhile the van, it's like, they ran out of real estate. So it's like a half turn. They're like blocking the whole thing, but you know, they don't give a fuck.

Wait, I thought this was like a hooptie wagon or something. This is like a police car thing. No, it's under undercover brothers. Which is like the sexiest thing in the world to me. That's what I look for in a boyfriend. Like a beat up car and a bulletproof vest. Because you know, they're like real deal. Real men.

So they pull in and I go, I got to tell you, I think you're blocking the road here. And they're like, oh shit, let us fix it. So they fix it. They pull in and they get out. And they're both like handsome, hot guy, square, chiseled. Yes, yes. You can see the bulge. You know, bulletproof vest, the thing, the gun, the other gun. You know, it's like mace, the whole thing.

Oh, put that night stick in me. And so we take a few photos and I look like king shit over here. And the Starbucks, I can see them looking through the window because I'm there every morning. And I just woke up. I got shit in my eye and come in my mouth. Sure. So they haven't, and I got no friends. So I'm always like, hey, they're like, hey, Joseph, how you doing?

Because they know my name, whatever. Yeah. And so it was kind of nice because they could see me posing for photos. So maybe they're like, oh, maybe he's somebody after all. Right, right. Well, geez, deep on the police. So that guy was nice and it was just exciting. He's like, I never missed the podcast.

I love this. He's like, I came to this neighborhood because you posted a photo of Parisi Bakerie. What? And he's like, thanks for everything I said. Thanks for your service. I blew him. By the way, the other guy, he'd never heard of me. He's just going, this is weird and gay.

That's about right. And so there turns out they work in the Bronx delivering warrants. Whoa. So these guys are like, they kick in the door and the whole thing. I think, I don't know. I hope it's okay that I'm saying this. Although I'm not saying their names. So what difference does it make?

Yeah. The warrants. But these are Bronx warrant police. So shout out to you guys. Well done. Stay safe. I mean, and that sounds like dangerous business. You should have done a ride along.

Oh, that would be fun. Well, that's a Patreon. I'm not that kind of guy. It's just you in the back going. I'd just be apologizing. I'm like, sorry. I don't know. It's the systems.

Fuck. I actually don't think it's your fault, but you did it. So you got to do the time. I don't know how it works. It's very tricky. Your door fixed. But anyway, so shout out to those guys. Thanks for your service.

Thanks for listening. We appreciate you. Let me get into this one. I got a few. I got a shout out to Mike Calta. Oh, nice. Now, did you listen at all? Because we talked about you a bit.

Oh, no. Yeah. It was like radio. Who's listening to the radio? Good point. I don't think anyone listens to it, but shit. I've already fucking zinged him. He was all upset because you went on.

You went down there and then you came back. I did his pot. I know. And then you came back and you said, boy, Calta's great. He's amazing. He's so funny. And I said, yeah, but he's a big fat shit. And he got all upset.

Big fat shit is fun. Because you were talking about how great he is. And then I did a couple of zings. And I said, you watch this week. I'll talk about how great you are. And Mark, I said, that's just our role. Yes. If I'm praising you got a shit and vice versa.

Praising and raising. Exactly. So if you could really help me out here and just call him a son of a bitch. Yeah. He's got a big blockhead. His wife's out of his league. He's disgusting. I've seen his stomach.

I had to vomit. Thank you. Yeah. No one listens to the radio. He's got weird skin. His daughter's gay. Well, I think he's great. I think he's the tops.

I think he's the best radio guy in the business. And so you fly down to, I did side splatters. Yes. I mean, so much to talk about. I took too much time. Whatever we'll do too. But I fly down a day early Wednesday to do Thursday radio. I'm on the plane.

The pilot is in the audience. I'm sitting there with Sarah. I get the text from the manager of the club. Best manager in the business, by the way, BT. BT. Oh God. He's the best. Good egg.

So he, by the way, I found out he started the year I started. We've both been working there 15 years. We started there at the same time. Look at that. But so I get the text. He goes, Hey, you're going to kill me. Cult is on vacation. No radio.

So I'm just flying down a day early for no reason, but I don't care. It's nice down there. You like being early. So he goes, but he'll be back Monday if you want to do it Monday. But you got nothing to plug. And now you're staying another day. It's one thing to be there. You're already there a day early.

And I got to say another day. I was staying anyways because Louie was doing Sunday Monday. He came down and featured for me, which was quite a scene. That's bananas. And so I was staying anyway. So I said, I'll come Monday. That's how much I love my cult. You think this guy's sticking around for Monday, Mr.

Compliments? You got that right. Staying around. I won't even zoom with you. So I said, hell yeah, I'll be there. I want to do the show. So I went to his house. By the way, we got to move to Florida because I think this guy makes about 11 bucks an hour.

He's living in a mansion. I believe it. I mean, he's got a Hummer. He's got a 20-person van. He's got six little boys working for him. Really? That's pretty good. I mean, he's got a palace.

This guy. Who's this guy? Epstein? It's all Florida. We got to, I think for like 50 grand a year, you can run a city. I think you're right. But it was all bath salts and strippers down there. What are we doing here?

I got a tiny apartment. You got her hobo blew me earlier. We got to get out of here. Yeah. We should go to Florida. And Jimmy Schubert moved to Florida. He's got, he's telling me he's got a two bedroom for eight bucks a week and he's never been happier.

Yeah. Yeah. So maybe we should move to Florida before it sinks. But speaking of sinking, Calta's career is doing fine right now. But the show was great. He's a great guy. Very funny on the radio. Yes.

Wonderful host. Yes. Huge following. Yes. Big audience. His whole team is fantastic. Big dong. He can throw down too.

I wouldn't get in a fist to cuffs with that beef cake. Yeah. He could kick your ass. Oh yeah. Maybe. I don't know. No, no. He's got a sword at home.

He's no joke. Probably old and slow. But great guy. Great radio guy. Good friend. And I would love to have him on the podcast sometime. Yes. Here, here.

He's the Howard Stern of Florida. That's right. So that was fun. I wouldn't say that. But let me just skip right over the whole weekend. Because you ate into all my time. But we go out the final night. So Louis comes down Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

He features. He's doing 20 minutes on the nose, by the way. True pro. He's a pro. And I got to follow him. He's getting a standing. Oh, every single night. Oh.

I got to like weave through standing people to get on to my show, by the way. That's right. So that's the whole thing. But it was pretty fun because the gays were like, fuck Lou. Who want you, baby? Oh, that'll never happen again. I blew a couple of them. That was nice.

Sure. So the last night. Then he headlines Sunday, Monday, which those ones actually sold. It was people there. I had 11 gays in the front. But yes, we do the Monday show. And I go, he has like one of these fasting diet type of things. And I'm like, you're going to kill me, but I'm starving.

I know you already ate and you can't eat again, but I'm starving. And he goes, well, we had a big weekend. It was a lot of fun. If you throw out a place that I'm interested in, I'll break the by. I'll eat with you. Wow. And I go, well, I hope you're in the mood for waffles because I want to go to IHOP 24 hour IHOP.

I haven't had an IHOP waffle with the SERP. We should go to Waverly after this. Anyway. So I'm like, I got to get some hash browns in a waffle. And he goes, sounds good enough to me. So we drive down. He didn't say anything. He literally said the worst place on the planet.

He's like, all right, let's do it. IHOP rules. So we go to IHOP and it's in this other part of town. There's like two waitresses in there. There's like four people total. It's like 12 o'clock at night. We go in there. I get a waffle, maple syrup, extra butter, some hash browns.

Then we see a lady making a milkshake, a teenager. They're all the two teenagers are the waitresses. Yeah. And he goes, let's get one of those milkshakes. Give me a milkshake. Oh, boy. So we get a waffle. He gets bacon, hash browns, big milkshake.

And the girl is like woman, young woman, very nervous. She's a young African-American gal. She's like, I got to tell you, I'm being trained and we're down a girl. So this, you guys are my first table of my life. So it's going to take time. You got to be patient. And we're like, hey, we got nowhere to be.

This is the end of the night. We're the only ones in here. Don't sweat it. Take your time. Not racist. And so I'm like, hey, just a waffle. We got to go easy on you. Hash browns, waffle, no specific, specificities, whatever.

There you go. So she go, every time she comes back, she's like, I'm so sorry. I hope it's not taking too long. You know, she's like, she looks 15 years old. That's literally, I think she's 15. Okay. So we eat. We have a nice time.

We're both shitting, having a good, oh, that show is great. This show is great. We should do this. We'll do that next. And I go, you know, you realize you can, you could really like drop a bomb on this girl with this tip. She's 15. I'm like, it would ruin her whole career because night one,

she gets a huge tip. She's like, boy, this is pretty good. Right. And then everyone's going to be tipping a buck the rest of her life. Sure. And he's like, yeah, yeah. That's true.

And he's a big tipper in general. So we get the check. It's $44. No, $35. Okay. 35 bucks. And he throws down a, a hundo, a C note. Whoa.

65 bucks. Nice. Whatever. 300% tip. Oh boy. That's fun. I love that. That's such a fun thing to do.

And he goes, yeah, it's nice. It's not going to change your life. But two more will. He throws down two more. 300 bucks. 15 year old girl. First time ever working. She's nervous.

She's shitting her pants. She's never worked. There's 300 bucks on the table. And he's like, come on, let's get out of here. I'm like, oh God, this is so fun. So we go into the car and we're like watching through the window. I'm like, I got to watch this. And you see her go over there and she's like looking around,

like waving people over. And you can't hear. You just see like the cook comes back and he's got his hair in it. And he's like looking. And then the other waitress comes and she hates her now because she's like, what is this? That'd be funny if the cook stabbed her, ran out with it.

First night, $265 tip. I mean, he just tossed it down. It was so exciting. That girl must be, she probably bought a car and moved out. Yeah. Yeah. She moved in with Schuber. She's living the high life.

But also it's great because if she's ever in a conversation where they're like, hey, the white man is evil. She's like, well, this bald ginger actually dropped a nice couple of hundos on me once and we didn't even diddle. It was nice because, you know, nobody recognized them. They're teenagers. Right. I mean, I don't know how old she really was, but she had to

have been 18 or younger. These Gen Z. They don't even know who, you know, Tom Hanks is anymore. Right. But yeah, nice 265 big ones on her first night ever. She's in training. I think she made more than my host last weekend at the club. Oh, absolutely.

It was quite a thrill, very exciting. And it just lifts your spirits. You feel good. I couldn't stop smiling the whole time and just thinking about them splitting it and the whole thing. Yeah. You got the simoleons. Why not blow someone's day up?

It's pretty good. Yeah. Especially a young, young gal. So that was thrilling. She's going to try that spiel every time now. She'll be three years into waiting tables. Hey, I should let you know it's my first day. I might be a little slow.

Then she'll get, you know, 14% and, you know, shoot up the place. By the way, Tuesdays with Stoids is also brought to you by Lucy. Nicotine gum. You know how hard it is to quit smoking. By the way, I was smoking cigars left and right in Florida because I was having a great time. We're up on a rooftop and it's hard to stop.

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shows tonight. We're about to drive to Long Island and I popped a Lucy in him. Woo. He gives you a jolt, Jerry. I mean, I was up and at him. I was feeling good. It tastes good. It feels good.

There's no reason not to take this gum. Get on the Lucy folks. They're supporting this show. So go support them. Get 20% off all products, including gum and or losanges at lucy.co with code Tuesdays. That's 20% off lucy.co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout. Lawyers make you say it, but this product contains nicotine derived

from tobacco nicotine. It's an addictive chemical, but who didn't know that? Get addicted to something. Live your life. But you already knew that. So get 20% off at lucy.co promo code Tuesdays. Yes. Anyways, so that's what was going on in, uh, in Florida.

Here, here. And, uh, what else do you got? Oh geez. Well, I just want to give a shout out. I had a, I did a weekend in Columbus and that is one of the best funny bones in the, if not the best. Well run. Had Umar Khan hosting.

Great host. Had a fat Chris Al featuring and they stayed in a condo together, which I'm talking like a one bedroom, you know, shit box condo. And he was on the couch. It was like the old days. It was like, all right, you're the host. You're on the couch. I take the bed.

No separation between church and quiff. It was just couch bed. That's fun. Well, we got to plug Chris's album recording April 11. Yeah. The Raleigh. Good night. Good nights.

It's April 11th and you got to go because I mean, he needs it. Who the fuck's going to go to see this asshole? So please go in there. If you're in the Raleigh area, go get your tickets and be there and really yuck it up. He's a great comic and be, you know, be the guy that you can hear on the album. Wrap it up. Bring some friends, some civilian friends and really fill that out for good.

Hell yeah. Go support and hopefully puts this thing on wax. So I can hear some new jokes, folks. This guy's got to drop this hour and it's airtight. He's been doing it for 40 years. So go check it out. Go yuck it up. And Eddie's a good comic.

So have a good show. Funny guy, good guy. Buy some tickets. There you go. And yeah, just a great weekend top to bottom. Everything went swimmingly. Not a bad show in the weekend. Isn't that a peach?

It's always one bad one. I just had that at size players. It was amazing. It was just like, it felt magical at one Friday, one Thursday, one, two Friday, three Saturday and then two loose shows were just unbelievable, pitch perfect. And you always have that in your mind. You're like, oh, we're fucked on this one. This is the last one.

But I think you make those out. It's Friday, late show. This one's done. That was pretty good. That's Saturday early. This is fucked in there. They're all good. And I want to work at this pace.

Yes. Where I'm so grateful. Every show I wasn't dreading any shows is like, I can't wait to get back up there because we haven't done real show. I haven't done real shows in so long. So I want to work the road like every other week or two weeks on two weeks off because I had that before I had this feeling of like, oh God, a late show, a play. I don't want to fucking I'm going to kill myself.

I hate these people. But now I'm like, I can't wait to get up there. I'm so grateful for everybody. I'm grateful for every moment. So God bless you for coming out. We'll see you soon. Well, it's finally all. I know we got to wrap it up.

It's finally all clicking in. I mean, you've been doing comedy since 81 and it's like, Tuesdays are out. Fans are out. Comedy people are out. And they're selling out and they're seeing shows and they want to be there. I mean, how many years and years of that slog of the fat lady in the front texting the guy who hates you, the heckled, the drunk. Now it's your people.

And it makes a hell of a diff. Yeah. It's very exciting and thrilling, thrilling to be back working. Yeah. Yeah. It's exciting. You know, go, go check out the patron. The patron's about to, to the moon, Alice.

And we're, we're working on it. We're gay. We're kicking it up a notch. We got a ton of stuff on there already. Hey, 3 million on the special. By the way, over here, folks. Get up some new pants. Just this week.

Yeah. By the way, I heard it only takes 60 seconds of watching to register as a view. So it's got to be close to 40,000 views. But whatever. I appreciate it. I've had it on auto place since 1988. I do the same thing. It's probably only 12,000 views, but still, there's the little number there.

I appreciate it. Yes. So thank you for God's sakes. And if you haven't watched it, go watch it. It's called I hate myself. It's on YouTube and my father's gay. Yeah. We'll be back on the road.

So come to a town near us. Check our websites. Follow us on the socials. And I got to plug some dates here because I keep forgetting. I'm in Bridgeport, April 3rd. It's called the martyrs theater, merits theater. Oh, a theater. Yeah.

Well, it's a theater. So come to that April 3rd. Get tickets. Bridgeport, Connecticut, April 15th paramount theater. That's part of the moon tower fest. Gonna be doing a podcast while I'm there. So check that out. Austin, please.

That one's like a big theater. So for God's sakes, sell by tickets, whatever, come down from wherever. Omaha, Des Moines, Kansas City, all coming up April 23rd, 24th. Omaha, Moneybone, Kansas City and Des Moines in May and or April. I fucking can't remember. But go, come to a show for God's sakes. Here, here. I'm in this weekend coming up.

I think I'm in Austin at the Paramount Theater. So let's sell that puppy out. I might try to get some fun names to drop in. Then I'm at the Miami Improv. Never worked that club. I love Miami. Let's do it up in Florida. We were just talking about how much we love the FLA, Calta.

I'll say hello. Wise guys in Utah. I'm there every 10 minutes. One of my favorite clubs, Tacoma. Magoobies. You name it. Coming out to Hartford, Moneybone, Spokane, Virginia Beach. Just to name a few, Helium and Portland.

So it's going to be a hell of a summer. The Roaring 2021s. And yeah, kill yourself, blow your dead, eat me out. Praise Allah and weep it up, folks. You're watching the music die. Please believe that we've got you.