Tuesdays with Stories! - #396 May Gay

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

Hey hey folks, we're back for another week of stories as Joe has an earbud mishap miracle while Mark gives an update on his double booked show crisis before hitting up a crazy strip club in Austin. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcome to Tuesdays with stories I got an itchy armpit mark is in Austin and I am in my mother's cunt that's a big room yeah you've been in there me too actually it was a hell of a weekend but no no I'm

joking she seems nice oh that's it I thought there was more coming oh no I didn't want I didn't halfway through I was like I'm talking about his mom's gash I'm inside of it you hung up pictures in there I don't know I you never know now my crazy where so we're in depth first of all apologies marks out in Texas I think he's moving there who knows that's the rumor now I'll start that shit but three guns now I don't know if it's a depth perception optical illusion or if my father's gay but your bed looks like it's a foot and a half why are you in like Lizzie Borden's bedroom what's going on there I got a

Brad Williams bed here it's I'm in a dollhouse well who's Lizzie Borden is that the milk chick wasn't she a lady that lived in a house that old house and she killed her parents I think in the 60s or the 40s or the 20s I think you're right yes she's a mass mass hole whore she I think she's a mass lady she did it up and killed everybody in Massachusetts a kid or something but no it's just an optical anal it's it's a normal bed it's a queen like the band I got AIDS and yeah it's a great hotel but it's the size of my my son's dick can you say can you say what hotel cuz it looks old and kitschy and nice and sometimes those

look good on paper or on a phone screen and then you get there and you know it's all cricket floors and rusty pipes and balloon knots yeah what it was the intercontinental on Congress and 7th and now it's the Royal Sinesta I guess they bought it so I'm right next door to the venue I can stumble out of the venue after 18 tequila's and two kwayloons and I'm in my hotel room and it's a pretty hotel it's sexy great lobby but the the room size is it's like walk around in a kid's tight but I love that but I'm there I'm trying to get some info because I'm there next month and I'm there for like a week because you know I try to go for

the weekend cuz I enjoy a weekend there and then I'm doing a big podcast and then he moved the date to earlier so I had to come in earlier and so now I got this situation or I'm there for six days I gotta email my agent and say hey can you get me a hotel room for four extra days and then the club people are like hotel for four days who do you think he is fucking Diana Ross and right and then everyone wants to come stay with them you know I got yeah so-and-so going he could stay with me and I got such-and-such saying you can stay with me but the thing is I don't want to stay with anybody including fucking you my wife

and Michael J. Fox I get it well hey it's a little shaky but I we added a show and I added a night so I was like I'll stay Monday too and they said well you want to add on the hotel because the venue is not gonna pay for an extra hotel just cuz you want to stay and I go I'll find a guy I got fat Timmy Dill I got Kweefy McGee I'll figure it out I don't need to pay six million dollars to stay one more night and then you start getting drunk you unpack your shit and I go here's all my money just keep me there I don't want to move I feel the same way I'm a cunt of a guy as people know but you know this people I like

and love that'll like you can stay with me and I'm like I'd rather spend nine thousand dollars yes because I like the moment of just whaling one off with my toe in my ass yeah I'm not worrying about you know Tim Dillon or you know my cousin or my niece to come in and go what is this and have a heart attack totally so I mean here's here's one for your clinker dick I was hanging out with a guy at a bar all night we're hanging out and I go well I better turn in there dickless I gotta I gotta get some shut eye it's 4 a.m. we've had 19 gallons of of hooch and he goes what hotel you had I'll drop you off and I go I'm at the

synest he goes so am I and I went just the idea that he's at the same he's a great guy but hanging out with him all night but just the same hotel ruined everything we had to ride the elevator together and then I had to see his room it's bigger than mine that we make out the whole thing's ruined I always have this feeling when that happens when someone goes I'm staying there too I always go back in my head of all the phone conversations I've had and I'm like what if we're sharing a wall because three days ago I was screaming at my aunt that I love fucking children and now what a fucking you know

Shecky Green was listening through the pipes yeah yeah you know what that Shecky listening to the kid fuck talk so I get it I get it but it was it's all fine we're introverted come guzzlers so you make it work but yeah you got to have that separation between taint and state and I don't know how other people need to be around people they go you're at the sinister I'm going in there I'm moving in you go no no we're the opposite act you should go to Mexico and don't get me wrong there's certain people that you love you what you want to hang out with the people and I'm not saying I don't love the people I'm naming of course love

love you know if you and I were we're 69ing on stage I'd say hey we should stay in the same building maybe a different floor but maybe we rent a house but Ari's a guy we love of course and one time me him Vecchio and you were supposed to come but you had a gig I think is me him Vecchio and Sarah and I think we all shared the house out in Utah that was great and the whole time Ari's like we got to come back with like 16 guys yeah I'm like 16 guys what are you saying like yeah you got 16 people you want to cohabitate with I know I know that's bananas well I did a ski trip with him two years ago is Bert Sean

Patton Ari I ran is easy it was like the fun is group and we all went snowboarding and all this shit but like it's fun to party but then when you're hung over and gay in the morning you go I'm in a bunk bed I got a boner I'm in your ass you're in my dick it's you need a minute right that's why a festival is so nice to just bump into the people that's that's in bump out bump in about exactly how much do you miss the just for last fest all the moon tower which is kind of going on but it's not the real thing yeah well moon tower was I think that's the festival in Austin for the the queefs at home but I think that was one of the top run

festivals top-notch the venues were solid the city's great they got activities and anal and now that Austin is like fucking popping off jizzens Elon Musk Rogan 18 clubs are opening it feels like a festival this weekend when you're here it's just gonna feel like a festival even though it's just a weekend interesting okay well I'm excited about that oh yeah yeah well we'll see I'm excited but I guess so I mean sometimes though those festivals there's just so many people so many activities you have 11 people at dinner and the whole thing but and Montreal of course you got people on stilts and yeah jugglers and the whole

thing and everyone's fucking so either way we're getting back it'll be back and yeah I'll be there soon May 15th I'm at the Paramount we will not be adding a show that's for sure but come on out folks buy your tickets and suck your own dick I did the the illegal COVID meet and greet after every show all it was was gays and queefs and anals and put it my ass see if I come and when's list coming where's that big forehead I want that tiny mouth give me herpes I mean it was it was a who's done it melee slugfest of Tuesdays by the way speaking of must see things you got to get on must TV folks we got a new format scandals

and animals I mean we got a new situation going and we got a must queef TV with the NBC logo with a big cock on it so everyone's joining the patreon we added a hundred patrons in in fucking six hours so hell yeah kids in cages yeah you don't want to be missing this folks go join the patreon we had a three-camera shoot we had you know Mark and I fucking each other with strap on because our dicks are too small join the patreon ASAP I mean this thing is gonna blow up like the world trade oh yeah both towers and the Pentagon coming down and you gotta you gotta throw a bone to big fat Chuck now block or

whatever the hell his last name is Stanton Stanton Rex Regan I don't know but big Chuck just a wizard with the microphones and the cameras and the technicals that guys tickling my sack all night and he's changing the game with the patreon up Chuck by the way I don't know if I said this on air I didn't realize we were you and I were doing Chuck puns over a text and I came up with Chuckleberry Finn and it reminded me that I went to high school with a guy named Chuck Finn I can't remember misremembering this and I never put it together it's a very Boston name but Chuck Finn Huck Finn it's in the it's a

all you do is add a C I mean it's right there in there hey that's you got a Huck Finn you're and we're Jim and we're Joe add a C that sounds like marriage I'll take a C cup I love a C cup cup of coffee but yeah yeah so Austin's been bananas the Paramount's great you're gonna you're gonna have a blast and I can't wait to hear you on that big pod you're doing yeah well hopefully it makes the cut I mean I did it before and it's gone forever it's like season 10 of Seinfeld that makes sense it doesn't really but it's a bummer because you because when I did the show I was like boy these Spotify Jews are up your ass on he's like

ah they're not touching a thing fuck them and then you're like what's going on here there fatty yeah I don't know what happened if and I'm in there with Elon Musk and Joseph Goebbels and it's like it's me and Alex Jones are the ones that got I don't know what happened I think I might have just sucked it might have been like you know Nazi rapist boring right right horrible law firm by the way yeah but now that but this one all this one will stick I can feel it and you're gonna be zinging and zanging and I can't wait I'm looking forward to it I'm excited I'm excited to be there so we gotta catch up I haven't seen you in a

minute I'm looking at my notes over here I just got this one quick fun silly thing it won't translate as a story I got one of these stories this is a fun way to prep us a story that to me it was the most unbelievable amazing thing that's ever happened but if you tell it to another person they're just like all right what else you got those stories I hate when that happened I need a reaction you know me and I think you like a reaction so I'm gonna I'm gonna bring it no matter what really give it to well you'll appreciate it the problem is there's like 85,000 people listening if it was just me I'd tell you and you'd

go come or whatever and then we'd would smooch but yes other people they're gonna be all upset that wasn't a story you suck shoot yourself in the tits all right I'm ready so you and I were hanging last week we did a podcast then we did a quiff with May which was fine which maybe we should do that regular it's called you know may may God bless you or may some kind of may pun may flower may him oh may him make believe maybe it's maybe lean the make believe one stinks but the other ones are good mainline I don't know now you're getting away from the may I think yeah you're right you're right may the wind be at your back or may

the wind come on your back oh something I believe yeah I got them out maple I think you stick with me you keep going maple you're just saying maples my god may in it it's a maple I guess but it's I hear you stretchy maybe um may the may the force be with you yeah all right all right they're all make believe mate shit mate shit the staples make may what's a may what do people say with may isn't there a bunch of old colloquies or colloquialism with with me may may oh yeah yeah may oh sure thing Joe Joe may oh yeah oh yeah my brain is fried up and just eating queso and ass and tequila and I'm all whacked out here a mush may flowers I already said

that one I think I don't think I heard may may flower but that's a little sappy quiffy may may showers what about golden showers bring may flower now oh yeah she does like to be peed on which works out for my bedwetting problem anyway so we did the quiff it was great and that was fun that's on there to go check that out but I left you guys we were doing a hey that's something all right hey what it's Mayday that's what we say today yeah now here this it's Mayday and then she comes out and says the whatever yeah there you go all right may gay may gay we say gay yes all right doesn't matter that's neither here nor there so we were hanging out and

then we were going to do the show I left you I said hey I'll see you later which is always weird when the one guy who's hanging out with a couple has to leave because it always feels sad right it does feel weird all right well you guys I'll see you later it feels like I'm your son or a pathetic or whatever right you're going off to college we got empty nest yeah exactly so I leave there walk into the gig and I'm right outside your place over on 6th Avenue and I take my ear butt out and they're very delicate you stick your little earbud in sure take the second one I'm gonna listen to the Boston Red Sox radio broadcast I get

excited it slips out of my fingers it goes down everything goes slow motion I'm looking and it's one of those sewer grates not not a sewer like on the street but on the sidewalk those big ones like the subway one the big subway great that's right Marilyn Monroe shit so yes so I drop it and I see it it's falling everything slow mo it hits the sidewalk bounces into the sewer bounces on the great it rolls falls in but underneath the great there's just like a little lip and it catches on the lip so below the great on the lip and now there's like two outdoor cafes I'm in between cafes and I do like to look

around like you guys see this isn't this nuts oh my god and I had to go in with my like fucking daddy long leg fingers and play operation with my earbud which my fingers barely fit in between the greats I get a little piece of the earbud just a little nipple and I pull it fresh clean operation no buzz got it out well off covered in wax and homeless piss stick it in my ear and walk away and I did the look I'm like anybody and then no one was even paying attention no one gave a shit it was such a victory I almost called you and jog back to your house to blow you I know I mean that would freak I would have a heart attack I

could have a kid in the well I'll see a Puerto Rican get hit by a car I don't blink that shit would put me in the hospital I'd have to go to therapy that just that fear of losing that air pod it would ruin my life that's terrifying it's a couple hundred bucks and of course I love Raycon is my number one yes so it was so exciting to get it back and walked off to that gig and that gig was fun by the way with city winery great gig great gig I'm supposed to be there tonight but I know they texted me they didn't even they were like hey can you get Louie to come and I'm like all right well I'm a comic too yeah yeah please go

back it's already sold out but I'm there next Monday if that helps but uh wow you almost want to take a photo of it but you're worried it's so delicate that the snap of the picture could push it over the edge shutter the Shutter Island we'll send it flying but yes it was really weird and I just and it almost also felt like stand by me when Vern drops his marshmallow in the fire and laughs he's like screw you guys I got it back I felt that way I wanted to show it to everyone at the cafe all these little hipster assholes be like I got it back you sons of bitches I know you were enjoying it and they're like what we

don't even we don't give a fuck we didn't even see you man I say it all the time but it's almost worth the anxiety and the fear just to win it because it's such a great feeling to get it back but yet it was it has to be terrifying to get that good feeling absolutely I feel that way leaving the dentist or the proctologist whatever it is you leave you feel so good that your assholes not bleeding anymore it was all worth it to shove things in there yes you're an ass man it's your white whale but yeah I'm so with you it that's why you got to go to the gym when you don't want to because then you just have this euphoria

just jizz all over you after you feel amazing yeah there's nothing I enjoy more than jizz on me yeah especially a warm jizz on a hot day on a cold day it feels feels like a hug yep absolutely so anyways that was that and then of course we went to city winery ate a bunch of wonderful food you me Sarah what a show will still vent cipher sounds the tell showed up Louis showed up that was something else I got to watch by the way you I think you bailed to catch a sporting event but I got to I wanted to see lose material so I watched with a tell I got to watch a tell laugh at Louis which is like some kind of

childhood threesome fantasy bullshit unbelievable oh wow it's rare to see a tell laugh he does that I know oh yes haha he's got that smokers laugh and he's breathing on me and he's dressed like a like a homeless person but next time you see the the old bald ginger tell him tell him Dave was dying I'll let him know those guys used to be like the two guys yes this weird rivalry and they were buddies sort of and now it just feels you know Dave's a distant guy so right it's always interesting to he's such a mysterious guy I always talk about this with you there's an interview with Chris Rock says Eddie Murphy is the only

comic with mystique and I'm like David tell is so much more mystique than Eddie Murphy yeah I agree I mean Eddie Murphy's on the big screen he's Gumby he's a nutty professor David tells on a under an overpass with a barrel fire writing notes and smoking out of a weird little filter because he's gonna die soon I mean come on every bar I go to with a tell they know them they're like oh I used to buy blow off him in 41 and all the cops know him the garbage men are hanging off the garbage truck going hey Dave it's obvious plus he doesn't realize how much reverence everyone has for him he doesn't realize that like

every he's everyone's favorite comic he's like oh I suck or whatever and he's just brilliant he writes in in jokes he communicates in punchline he's a fascinating guy not to mention can you picture him you know getting ready for bed like in like PJs and a thing and be like and going to be like I don't know when he sleeps where he live it's just a fascinating guy no I picture him in a sleepcap with a candle and it's just note papers everywhere you know like hobo sleep with the he'll pull the newspaper up as a cover I picture him with like moleskin pages with just scribble all over it just sleeping on it I agree I

think about it all the time and someone said he's driven before which is wild to think about it it's all fascinating by the way speaking of Eddie Murphy and Mystique have you listened to the Eddie Murphy WTF I actually have not I should do that it came out of a month ago and I just finished this show and then go listen to it it is quite a thrill oh yeah well they get in there they're talking stand-up they're talking Richie Tinkin and Lucien and you know the old days and SNL and the movies and him coming back to stand up and he's excited to come back to stand up COVID got in the way and it's it's quite a quite an interview I will

say I hate to jizz on a tuna salad but I don't think he should do stand-up again I mean if he wants to do it he can do it but I think if he's feeling like some kind of forced I got to get back out there for the people I think you leave the trophy on the mantle and you die a legend well I love jizz on my tuna so I can't wait for it because all right but he talks about he's like I want to book end it because he did it when he was a kid when he was like 15 to 28 and then he quit and now he's about to be 60 so there's this like 30 year period of no stand-up he's gonna go back at it see what it's like see how he does and I

can't wait I mean don't you want to hear what that guy has to say I do I do I just know the the country public's gonna go ah he's lost it he's not what he was and that I don't want him to feel pain and I don't look I look I love I love his stuff and I hope he comes back and that'll be awesome but I don't know I just I hope he knows that he's gonna have to fail for two years just to get anywhere well well see I mean he's so brilliant but I can't wait to be at the cellar eating a big Caesar salad with salmon and all of a sudden you just hear you know when that the room changes and you're like but someone makes a noise and you're like

what and then you look up and Eddie Murphy's there with a red leather suit and his cock out I mean I'm gonna I'm gonna shit blood all over the my you know the floor that'd be hilarious if you he started bombing and he's went into the old stuff he's like I'll tell you these faggots are staring at me he has to go back to his old stuff just to get them and then it doesn't get him he talks about that too he's like back then you could say anything he's like no there was none of that stuff they tell us the Rodney's story which I've heard a million times but never heard from him it's magical you got to listen to this

interview I'm listening right now I'm leaving up after this I'm gonna walk around Hudson was this called 6th Street and why and listen to that I can't wait it's really something text me after call me and it was quite a joy all right all right well speaking of joy and stand up I feel like New York is cooking we're back I heard rockin Chappelle did a thing at the VU last night or two nights ago I mean stuff is bubbling up yeah and Chappelle was at the stand last night evidently too according to the internet oh boy oh boy well hey things are cooking and I had like the hottest night of my life well the absolute post COVID night

it was like I did four sets running around from from I did the strip I did the seller then I did the stand then I did a bar show in the village and then I right when I got off my phone is ringing I did a FaceTime show to India what not face zoom zoom yeah I did a zoom show in India I'm killing in India no kidding I mean was that good were they what what time of day was it what are we talking here was it a group was it a thousand people three people what's going on I mean you're saying India is the whole country it was billions of Mohammed's over there I was facing Mecca I went for it and they I tried to keep it it was

15 minutes I tried to keep it pretty broad pretty mainstream but I'm on a guy's stoop I look for some good lighting I run out of this bar run to like 3rd Street in the in the East Village I'm on a stoop just talking to my phone to these Indian queefs and it was great wow that sounds amazing how many did you scroll through to see them can you how much can you see because on the phone it's hard to see anybody or know who's there I don't want to see I would I don't want to see me that's for sure so I would scroll through and it's just like a million boxes it looks like an Indian Brady Bunch you know it's just like

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM Indian Indian Indian and yeah it was it was killer I made some curry stuff and they were they were all into it they don't give a shit over there they're having they're loving it wow that sounds great so it's just this wild night of like I gotta get up here get on this train get in this cab run uptown run downtown and then go to India and then walk home and you just button it all up you knock everything out it worked the timing came together you made a couple bucks and you're done for the night you go home you watch the bachelor and go down on your your plus size girlfriend that's beautiful it's

weird it's weird that we're in this weird time where there's still zoom shows you do stand up and zoom on the same night it's fascinating I know I know I hopefully we can just slowly snuff out these zooms you know like hey look buddy I got a I got a club open over here get the hell out of my inbox but I gotta say I wouldn't mind if zoom stayed a part of it just a little bit cuz it's nice to go I got tonight off basically I'm doing 10 minutes on a zoo cuz some of these zooms they Venmo you 300 bucks that's a good point well I gotta I gotta update you fatty on the on the Pittsburgh University I got a little inside info cuz I

happen to be texting with Vita but let's tease this teasing with teasing this because we got an update on last week's episode I heard a couple I heard things I heard things oh boy but here's one thing I've heard many times and you've heard it from us a lot Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by blue chew it rhymes folks yep get more confidence in the bedroom I think we all could use a little more confidence in the bedroom no matter how much your girl loves you no matter how hot you feel and how much money you make how much pubes you have oh yeah we all need a little boost you know it's boost blue choose tablets offer the

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sheath underwear is 100% money back guarantee but you're not gonna need that folks that's sheath underwear dot com promo code twos gaze get sheath underwear and let them support your cahones all right so last we talked yes you had a gig at Pittsburgh University on zoom and you had a Long Island bar gig yes both booked at the same time same night and you sort of meandered it wrangled it let's say wrangled it so the bar show could be the live stream to the school and you're telling me this story and I'm thinking there's no way this is gonna happen this is gonna benefit this show because this is gonna be a big monstrosity it's never

gonna work out right now hit me with it I came all this way well it all locked in we got Vita opening his bald Jew ass picks me up from he comes out of Jersey comes out of the retirement basically of comedy and he picks me up in his cute little SUV Honda CRV whatever the hell that thing is and me and my pal Eric man Park Norman a couple of the video things he jumps in the backseat we haul out to Long Island about an hour out it's in an athletic complex batting cages you know tennis courts one of these kind of things so they happen to have a little theater in there and that's where the show is what is this place what's

that I said what is this play first of all it sounds like something I dreamed up batting cages a theater mini golf if there's a sex ring I mean I'll take it well we pull up and as you know there's a couple guys walking out and basketball shorts so you know holding the ball maybe a bag over their back with a couple bats sticking out of it like it's just we're out in the burbs folks it's on highway 82 or whatever the hell video coming soon and we show up and it's this weird theater they throw us into some weird green room there's about 38 comics in the green room I go hey what are you guys doing here and that always weird

when you get to a green room and there's like other people in there yeah it's always strange and you feel bad because you want to meet the comics and be a nice person but at the same time as we talked about earlier you're like I'd like to be in here with my buddy right and ready and look nothing against them they their comics too and they want to you know you see that crowd you go ah and then you just try to run to the green room and then you get in the green room and you go ah you know so but they're all comics they're they're trying to hide as well and I go what's what's going on with you Jews and they go I'm the host

I'm doing a guest set I'm doing 10 I'm doing 15 you're like Jesus H Christ how long is this show I mean we got University of Pittsburgh streaming I brought a guy so now we got 78 comics on the show plus a guest set and a host and I feel bad for old Pittsburgh guy yeah if I remember correctly you had to already ask for more time because on this show you're doing 30 but Pitt wanted an hour and 10 or whatever it was yes exactly and the guy who put it on as a sweetheart and he ran a hell of a show and it was sold out it was great but part of you thinks you know you know when you pull up in the parking lot and

they're waiting for you like already's here let's start the show you're like well you got 17 comics start it up I'd like to show up and go on you know but I get it I get it people get nervous you're not gonna make it whatever yes there's been those face offs before we all know those ones we're like I'm gonna kill time hiding the bushes right I want to go in there and then you go in there like we start in about 10 that happens a lot in Brooklyn in particular yes yes exactly so folks out there keep in touch with the headliner if he says hey I'm 20 minutes away and you got 17 comics get them cooking that way you show up you

only have to wait five minutes then you go on but I get it it's it's nerve-wracking and I would also add tell the comics the real start time yeah a lot of times this happens a lot again in Brooklyn I hate to be taking out my Brooklyn resentments but they say eight o'clock show so I show up as a consummate pro at 750 and they go hey you're here early with this and then the lights aren't even set up there's no sign they don't have a microphone and the bar isn't open yet and I go what and they go now the show starts at 915 we just say eight and I'm right well you said that to me you try you tricked me into getting here early you

fuck yes I'm the magician why are you fooling the magician but I get it whatever they want to run a tight ship and the guy was super nice and what do you want in the green room I said give me a couple of pills nerves and a cup of coffee and a water and he got everything I'm he was a he's a good egg and everybody went up it was fun Vita went up killed you see the camera in the middle of the floor it's filming the whole thing and it's just cool seeing that camera you go wow that camera is pumping straight into the University of Pittsburgh hundreds of miles away in America it's kind of fun it's a

telecast let me ask you this what's a telecast what does that mean yeah what's between a telecast and a broadcast yeah they're all one maybe as a woman a broad I don't know that's a good question I was watching the Celtics game was home visiting my parents that said next telecast and I'm like that sounds like an old word from the 40s a telecast right next game next whatever broadcast telecast you know what I bet I think broadcast started in radio so then they go oh we're gonna broadcast TV that'll be called a telecast but then broadcast is kind of was the big umbrella yeah broadcast new I mean it's

very interesting because there's also teleplay you see sometimes I fell instead of written by it says it by teleplay teleplay yeah I guess they wrote it for television but a broadcast would be a great name for like a casting couch on porn with a lady it's a we're casting abroad oh I like that that's good that could be another new queef yes yes with me oh boy all right so so yeah show went off without a hitch everything's great do a 45 minute set I offend half of Long Island there's some old ladies there there's some kids there I just do my act because it's all I've written and you know goes well here bombs there whatever

get off stage I get a text from Pittsburgh we loved it about 18 kids were watching and that's about it most of them dropped out you know within the first hour of the Long Island guys but hey you did your part we appreciate it I love comedy we loved it all worked out and kudos to you and praise Allah me and Peter jumped in the car got some pizza went home and had a lot of laughs and a great night that sounds like a beautiful night and I didn't realize they were telecasting broadcasting lady casting to the the Long Island portion of the show I know I know that was just like hey if you want to watch great no problem if you

don't but I think a couple of these tweens said hey this is comedy who the hell's this guy who's the short guy who's the fatty where's Norman we're out and I don't blame him yikes yeah that sounds trying I would say but what can you do I mean that sounds amazing that you pulled it off I can't believe it you got a double payday that's a beautiful thing and I'm sure the kids all went home happy maybe not all but a bunch yeah yeah we took some photos a lot of lot of gays out there on Long Island but Long Island it's just another world I mean you might as well be in a Sioux Falls South Dakota out there it's just everybody looks

different they sound different they act different it's a it's a highway a byway and a at a try way I like Long Island I like I can't wait for beach season it'll be out of Jones Beach you know how much I love the beach by the way how about that photo Salak you snapped of us out on the boardwalk that's the best photo I mean we got to make that our new like poster or login or whatever you call that is the most beautiful photo I've ever seen log in what do you call that a problem with the photo yeah profile yes it don't profile I gotta log in my ass but it ain't a photo but no that was a beauty I mean Salak you's really captured it I

mean you can't even tell it's cold the Sun is setting we're gonna post this thing it's gonna blow Instagram up people are gonna shit on their own tits you got that right I mean every now and then you go why do I why do I hang out with this four-foot guy with a Hawaiian shirt on then he pulls out a pic like that and you go there it is you totally redeemed yourself you dirty cunt I didn't realize you asked yourself that too because I've been questioning it quite a bit this guy we love you Sally and I shouldn't be we shouldn't say this because we're used to Chris Allen Chris Allen you can go he's a big fat piece of shit who's

fucking you know blow me and his father's gay and he writes a great episode but Salak he's gonna be this is gonna be the death of him that's true but we love the the Sally's he's not a comic but he gets these from Brooklyn he's got some some fight at him yet he'll be fine he's got kids and a dog and a lady so he's all right he's taking he took a photo of DMX that guy's he's been around some stuff now he's first class we love you you're a good man and Chris you're fat yes by the way Chris Allen recorded the album I heard it went great I'm sure I don't know if you open for him or what but or if you open for you but I can't wait to hear

this album I heard it was great a bunch of Tuesdays went out and support it so get ready for that one folks that's gonna be a humdinger I can't wait it's gonna be lunch I heard he was a kind of tiptoeing for the first couple shows he was featuring and then on Sunday headlined and it was it was lights out apparently but I those first couple nights you never know what's coming cuz you're featuring it's not really your night right exactly so I'm excited for it sound like it went well so thanks to all the gays that went out and supported you know we need is a term for like the gayettes like Viter and Chris Allen

and Salicus the the branch out Steve Rogers the big dick big dick man himself my soon-to-be-neighbor we need a good term all right like the gayateers of the side side chick or something something where they're they're like ancillary homos or something yeah but it can't sound too I can't sound below us it has to be extension of us that's to be there but because this is where it's tricky to so you have a thought maybe strap-ons cuz they're kind of strapped on to us I don't know I'm jizzing out loud here yeah I like strap-ons but the thing is we there's some confusion because we're gays but then the fans are gays so it's all

gays right because it's like we call the fans the gays but then they call us gays so I don't know what to go are we gays I think we're gays also I mean I'm a fan of the show I like you all right yeah I like you and men so I guess I guess we are but maybe we're the glory holes of the bath houses or the blue oyster cult I don't know yeah we'll figure this all out somebody email us who knows AIDS I don't know we'll figure it out but yeah somebody gave me a chocolate bar I was at the stand here tonight somebody hand me a you know those big gourmet chocolate bars are like a big rectangle it's got the paper on it then you take the paper

off and it's foil mmm a little bit yeah you know it's got the those little mini rectangle piece of chocolate you'd click like a Hershey bar yeah it's a Hershey bar but it was a big one it was like a pretty package with gold and purple and all this and it turns out I go why does this guy give me a bar of chocolate it's all shrooms oh wow yeah something but let you know I mean that's he did was it Ari no it's a fan it was a gay and I was like wow thanks and it looks so well done I mean you know when you go to Halloween and you pick up a piece of candy like this looks a little little diddled with like somebody maybe

touched this or something it looks like that but he packs you pretty good but you could tell it's been fondled a bit right yeah so I'll be consuming those in Miami this weekend and see what happens oh that's exciting have fun down there Miami not exactly a comedy town no my tickets are horrible I'm not selling anything I'm bringing merch I'm sure I'll just have to ship that right back but hey I'll be on drugs so we'll have funny the way bringing the lady hitting the beach gonna go gay on the on the ocean gonna be fun that'll be beauty I heard from a guy who sells a lot of tickets that Miami is a tough market because they

do everything last minute so you might sell out last minute because they're waiting for something better and it's like Thursday night they're like alright nothing popped up or popped off I think they say right you go alright let's go to let's let's button two of our eight buttons and go out to see Mark Norman wear our white pants and that's that yes white pants bad for spotting but I'm with you these towns these New Orleans these Miami's these Vegas's they're almost too fun nobody wants to go here our thoughts what's the deal with anxiety whoa what are you getting they want to go salsa dance and dry hump and

snort blow and fuck a manatee yeah it makes sense I mean I wouldn't watch me I had a guy the other day talking to me when you watch a comic and I'm like let me just stop you right there yeah yeah I'm watching comics I'm calling them fat and gay upstairs at the dinner table exactly exactly yes sitting through a whole comedy show sounds like a nightmare but thank God you folks are into it because we need your we need your eyeballs and your giggles alright so what else so give me some Texas because I feel like you're all tan you're a little moist you're in a weird hotel it looks like a kid's bed yeah give me the

goods here because all my stories are I watched the socks game they won it was nice I saw my parents they were a little weird and something else happened I can't remember but I feel like you got the goods this week I hear that was a great game I just I'm going off Twitter but I don't know I heard good things so I'm in Austin I say it every time you land in this town and you just say all right give me a fucking beer funnel and a butt chug and a dab a hash or whatever it is and I'm down baby let's do it and you cut my sleeves off and then circumcise me this town is just so fun it's coming out of the woodwork here so

the shows are great it's a Paramount theater that sells out I'm drinking at the theater you go out we go to a bar and we go all right this is great I just want to have a bunch of friends I got a packed green room it's all these comics hanging out we're drinking it's just great we all go to this bar and I go this is this is good I like a nice low-key night give me a some smooth jazz a couch and and a bar and I go okay great then one guy goes you know my friend is at a strip club and I go I don't want to go to strip club that's too too tempting and too much money and he can't talk I want to talk so he goes well he's outside

right now in a Sprinter van and he's willing to take us and I go all right fine we got a Sprinter van fuck it that's kind of fun what's what's the Sprinter van I hate to interrupt what is a Sprinter van a Sprinter van is what you've seen it's one of those tall vans and it you can it's almost like a party bus vibe shellbow I wonder if you could pull up a photo of a Sprinter van I think I know yeah they usually like a BMW type of thing they're huge in the back Mercedes yes yes they use them for moving they use them for parties you see them in Vegas they put a couch in there and a disco ball and you know sex swing whatever

it is okay so we pull up or they pull up in this thing we go outside we go all right let's get in here now now we're like you know five drinks in so we're feeling pretty loose the door slides open it's a guy with a big gray beard older Mexican guy he's got pigtails coming down a beanie on and he's going hey cholo's let's get the fucking the van let's go crazy we're like what the hell's going on here but I have fucking let's see where the night takes us we all jump in the van he's pouring champagne he's got rap music blaring he's dancing we pull up to the strip club he's got a private area we go to the strip club

it's the hottest girls on the planet they're all going nuts it's like out of a movie there's just like frat guys doing the make it rain these women are pouring champagne on their tits it's for the morning I couldn't believe it was called the primrose or something like that I could if the whole thing went from smooth jazz cocktail in a couch to I got my friend next to me he's got fucking eight tits in his eyeball and he's he's doing mescaline and fentanyl offer glabia and it was just it was bananas I first of all I love those nights that start light and you're not expecting because when you you have like a bash the party it's

always awful some guy gets too drunk it passes out as a fist fight or the bars dead or the strippers ugly or your father's gay something always happens but those nights where it's like a Wednesday we're just gonna chill have a couple cocktails those always end up being the funnest wildest nights but I want to know more about fucking Willie Nelcion or whatever I this guy who's the Spanish Willie well you nailed he looks exact I'm actually scared to talk about him because he's his ex-con he was in jail for 50 years and now he's out you know doing some shady shit I'm sure it makes a ton of money and just parties he's like

this Austin staple I don't want to get get to it specific because I'm worried he'll cut my my dick off with a shank but this motherfucker right here yeah so I don't want to get too into it but he's this ex-con guy who's now just a party animal he walked into the strip club it was like Sinatra walked in they're like oh shit and like he one guy had a cast on he's like oh yeah I fucked with him last week and he got my face so I had to I had to cut him up and all this and you're like it was his big black guy's got a cast on and he eat this guy's like my size and he was pushing people around the women were going crazy he's

handing out hundreds it was insane Jesus I mean that sounds unbelievable I gotta hear more about this but before I hear more about this I gotta let you know about this one other sponsor we have as everybody knows we got a lot of sponsored people sponsored on the show Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum folks you know how hard it is to quit smoking nothing harder I'm hanging out with a guy who just picked up smokes again he's been like running them under water he's taking his cigarettes and stepping on them and farting on them because it's so hard to quit once they got a hold of you you

can't do it but finally there's a way to quit that is very safe and really will help you out it's Lucy Lucy was founded by Caltech scientists former smokers who wanted to help other people quit they set out to create a better and cleaner nicotine alternative it took three years of research that's insane and experimenting and then they made Lucy a nicotine gum that actually tastes good comes in three flavors wintergreen cinnamon and pomegranate I know you've had a little bit of this each has four milligrams of nicotine didn't you chew a couple pieces of this or am I crazy yeah I mean I got a nice stack at the house

and I was never a smoker but every now and then you know you need to pick me up and I would just pop a few Lucy's in the mouth and they taste great they feel great and I'd get a nice little jolt and go about my night I'm a fan get on it folks and if you know a smoker help them out give them a gift they're supporting this show so go support them that's 20% off all products including gum or locenges at Lucy dot co with promo code Tuesdays that's 20% off Lucy dot co and use promo code Tuesdays a check out here's the legal part you got to say warning this product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an

addictive chemical you damn right it is that's why it's fun but you already knew that so get 20% off at Lucy dot co with promo code Tuesdays thank you so did you get any private dances can you talk about it can you wink can you let me know I know we have a new series with may the force be with Jews so I don't want you getting trouble but well anything fun going on there here's the clinker I did these shows and it's you know a big theater so I sold merch after so I'm just being handed 20 after 20 after 20 and we didn't go back to my hotel room so I have a little jacket on with just wads and bulges full of Andrew Jackson's

up my ass all every pocket so I didn't do it because I knew if I went in there that champagne room I would just be turning the fucking P ditty out there with the with the Twindos now forget it once you're in there they're taking all the money I mean I told you the story years ago when I was a young whip a snapper I once signed a check from the Providence comedy connection to a stripper like I MC and got 25 bucks I ran out of cash and I was like I want one more dance will you take this check and I endorsed it to her this is back in you know 87 wow but I signed a right to her because those songs start playing and

they know how to do it they rub the heel on your balls and and then they get like close to your lips and then you smell the perfume and you just before you know what they're like you always 900 bucks you listen to fucking 15 live albums in here exactly they get you I got rolled in Montreal it's like the hottest strippers on the planet we were there at 010 and this late you know I'm broke I mean I'm dumb I don't know anything I'm full of gum and this lady's like hey how about just five bucks or it was like 10 bucks a song I was like all right a song that's about four minutes I got I got a couple bucks on me before I

know it what we did the National Anthem the Star Spangled Banner we did you know my little pony a ditzy bitsy spider I was out like 16 grand it's brutal I know a comic I don't want to out him because he's in a relationship or whatever but he had to go to the ATM with the bodyguard a fucking bodyguard walked him like hand-in-hand he held his hand like he was his daughter and they had to go to the ATM he's like here you go Mr. thank you sorry you know Thundercat whatever the guy's name was and he went home with his tail between his legs but it happens you just get that that monkey mind you just go ape shit like I'm gonna

see a tit and of course every everyone has that moment of like I think this girl might blow me for a couple extra bucks and the next thing you know you know the sun's up and your wallets gone my wallets gone that tearing sound yeah you're right they know how to get you got a you got a chub on one side a hard one on the other they're rubbing it they're feeling it you go hey if she if if this song is one more chorus I'll I'm gonna jizzle my own kneecap but now no they just tease and tease and get that coin out of you but sometimes you have to tell you this story well I used to go to Montreal all the time between 18 and 21

all the New England guys would go up to Montreal and would just ruin the fucking city and it was horrible but we went me and three of my buddies and we went to this one strip club and we got a double dong show and these two ladies they do like a double dong situation and you sit around a table and it's so awkward I wasn't into that I like the private dance or just sitting at the stage but you're sitting there like we're sitting around with like beers like just like businessmen except in jeans and they're just fucking each other and one of the ladies she said what what's your name she was French Canadian I said Joe and

she's like oh Joe you dick is so small I'm doing that sounds Asian but it was French Canadian I can't do and she was like oh you dick is so small and she was like pretending to that I was fucking her with a small dick or something I was like hey this sucks I'm like giving you all of my money literally all the money I have and she's like hey you have a small dick and I'm like that's not part of the deal that sucks yeah what the hell I don't like that I mean your dick wasn't out either you know it almost makes you want to go hey look look at it I'll prove it it's not fuck you yeah I didn't get it I didn't like it and all

of us agreed we were like that was a big mistake because you're just sitting there and I'm not into a double dildo it just felt like off-putting and just weird and I was like yeah that was terrible money spent but for some reason it's out they make it sound like it's gonna be fun it I mean I would be enjoying that but it I don't care for the the negging and the the n-word and the whole thing but yeah I'm that's a weird twist on that hey we're plowing each other with a with a rubber dick and then all of a sudden I'm gonna zing your cock yeah I didn't get it I didn't like it one bit and that was a different time there was another time

yeah a club I think it was the same club maybe and we all sat down for beers and a guy went up and it was his bachelor party and then the strippers just took him on stage and they pulled his pants and underwear down which is like a crime yes they just like took his dick out and like we're pointing and they drew on them with markers they were like small dick homo whatever and he didn't sign up for it it was all just they pulled him up there and we all left because we were like what is this we're looking at a limp dick this but I remember thinking I'm like if this happened to me I would be just outraged but this is back in you

know 2002 right yeah I'd be mortified and also must have been a honky because how you gonna get that Sharpie to show on a you know newbie and Prince but I I told you I think I've told this before but I went to the donkey show maybe an 0203 with a couple of retards in Mexico and you know we drive down Louisiana's not that far away and it was appalling I was like oh we're in a barn this is pre-cell phone cam it's dusty this hay and they wheel out a donkey in some Mexicano Chiquita Senorita starts dancing around it they flip that donkey over get it hard and it was not not for the faint of fart Jesus Christ I mean it's

weird what you do when you're young and looking back at all this stuff I'm like oh my god this is wild it's weird to see like young like I just went to my nephew's soccer game it's weird to think like all these like 12 year olds running around the soccer field eventually gonna be like let's go to Montreal and see a double ding-dong dildo show and you want to be like save your money don't go it's crazy just try to get laid in high school like a normal person I gotta tell you though they got the the porn hubs and the lobster tubes and the brazzers there they're content they're not they're not driving for a nip good point I was just

talking about this last night with my parents ironically not the double dildo show that was we talked about that on you know Sundays but we were just talking about how in the old day I would go to Montreal me and my four buddies three buddies would make reservations at a hotel on the phone and then would drive up there I would bring $200 cash wow for a weekend and we were going to titty bars and drinking and that would last me because back then of course you could hand it to give you like 350 Canadian right that doesn't last you a day in Manhattan that's like no meals in New York I know and these taxes are

going up with the old Cuomo the the gropey so who knows what's gonna happen in this town yeah but no you're right that that that could go a long way back in the 50s yeah those are some grand old days any who any who I I remember one time I went to spring break with like no I literally went with no money I grabbed a shopping bag I threw a bathing suit in a t-shirt and a toothbrush and I just jumped in a car with guys and went to Florida like we went to Dayton Florida Daytona and that was it I just kind of found food in a hotel party or I you know drink a beer off of the off the bar somewhere and that was it I made it work

with zero money it's funny when you don't care it's just not an issue when you get older it's everything's money this and money that of course it makes sense there's more bills and you got kids and you know your father's gay but it's just when you're young it doesn't matter and then you also you would learn how to what do you call that with money manage money budget lay budget yeah you learn how to budget and you're like okay if we all go in on 30 rack of beers yeah four of us that gives us like eight beers each or whatever seven and a quarter beers and then we'll do well we'll shotgun a couple

that'll give us a buzz yeah exactly we'll get nips that are like 99 cents whatever's in the 99 cent fishbowl thing at the at the register we'll get a few of those and then if we get cigarettes that'll give us a bit of a nicotine buzz yes and then you'd try to just like you said try to steal a beer off the bar table or your drink like a little bit of whatever's left in someone's cup when they leave you found a way to get fucked up yeah you there's an old pizza box at a party like oh there's a crust that's some nutrients I'm back in business all that shit you're living like a like a scavenger and it was it was kind of

exciting I mean sure you have to shit in the woods every now and then and bang a paraplegic but you made it work I remember one time in New Orleans you know we would just go out all night every night I was probably 1415 I'm at a bar I watch a guy walk in like a real adult shirt tucked in he goes I'll have one high life please and the guy goes you got it Cappy the guy puts a 50 on the bar grabs the high life the bartender grabs a 50 makes change puts down you know 4750 on the bar the guys walked away by now I just went whoop took it and I said let's head out of here boys and when that was our whole night wow yeah I mean those

were I never did that but he walked away no but there was all those times and you'd you'd just be like he's got whiskey or this guy's got the hookup oh you'd go to a party yeah that was the best because they had their yes cocktails and then you hit that keg and whatever and go into their grandmother's cabinet and take something from there you know there was always a way and we called it drinking under the sink where you'd go into your parents you know handle of cheap vodka and fill it with water or whatever that was and you found a way to get fucked up somehow one way or another and it was it was wonderful and

then maybe to be a guy out there with a joint who'd be like hey you want to be this remember the guy or the parent who had the liquor bottle marked you know had the little line on it you know they would so you they knew when when stuff was stolen yeah that's a smart parent but then you get it filled back up with with shit you know and you can exactly pissing that that taka but yeah alright so crazy crazy night guy with the braids I hope I never see him again he's terrifying sweet guy nice guy nothing but giving but just one of those guys you see in movies who you're like this guy's cool but he's really loud he seems kind

of unhinged but he's giving us a ton of shit so I'll just keep my distance and keep hanging out and hopefully he doesn't turn on me yeah I know that feeling well yeah so great night you know barely remember most of it got home had the thing where you woke up in bed like I woke up in the chair next to my bed then just gotten bed like that's how fucked up I was next day I had a I got a couple guys out in Texas who you should hit up by the way when you come out here but they do all the filming like if you want any show taped or some backstage stuff they'll they'll knock it out for you cool that sounds like something good guys

you know laid back not annoying and they go hey while we're here why don't you get some stuff around the Capitol we'll shoot some bullshit on 6th Street I go sure one of the guys had a hoverboard do you ever use these puppies no I mean come on are those the things with the one wheel and you stand on either side of it yeah shoot around two wheels you go forward you go backwards they can rotate oh yeah there's the ones with two wheels then there's the ones with one wheel there's one that has a big oh that's right that that's weird to me that thing goes too fast they got a helmet on I'm not into it they're all scary yes so I

go give me that thing you know what it's pretty genius because he would get in front of me and go backwards and film me and he's just like a smooth track shot you know and I'm like why doesn't everybody do that's a great call there fatty but either way we're shooting dick and around I go let me try this I used to skateboard I was pretty good I could not can handle some wheels I get on it I'm shaky I figure it out now I'm doing some ups and downs some spins and I go into the street I come back up the sidewalk on the other side of the street I lose my balance whoa I got too cocky I'm talking feet over the head

America's funniest home videos sound effects fell right down on the tailbone the neck flew back I got whiplash oh we got it all on tape it was fucking humiliating right on 6th Street I had people come up you okay man like all that shit it was it was horrible god that sounds horrible you but you didn't hit your head on the fallback right because that's how you can die I caught the neck but my neck is cricked I feel like I ate I ate out an old lady I'm all kooky I got the pain the soreness I can't I got I got a bad turn I mean I was I was out I you know in that pain you're on the ground and he's just like

I need a minute and it wouldn't go away and we're getting old and oh the whole the whole rest of the weekend I was doing shows like you know I wasn't doing any act outs I'm that age where I really feel other people's pain I'm watching baseball games the outfielders look like they got a bump in I'm going watch I'm like screaming I'm the only one you know watching on TV and I golfed yesterday I'm sore from golfing so falling on cement I can't even imagine I got the bad turn because the whole time you're looking down right you do this snap up to see where it's going and yes all night I'm doing the this and that and

that's just from golfing I'm not even right on cement like an asshole yeah it was bad I mean look at Tiger Woods the guy's got 18 back surgeries but he's also getting road head from every Tom Dick and whore and Vegas but he's just been spinning like that torque for a million years it's gonna add up yeah it's it's scary and I don't want to be a shitty old guy you know the guys that walk and their knees are are pointed east and west and there's like a that diamond thing with their look like they're riding a horse you know one of those guys and sits down all right I want to be able to you know fuck a kid in

my 80s here here yeah yeah the bow legged or Joe legged that'll really get you but I know we got a wrap up but it was one of those things were like the next show you know I go home I shower I hobble around and they're showing me the clip like oh this is your fall buddy and I'm like oh god I look like such a chuch I'm screaming I'm like I yelped I mean it was so bad and I'm gonna send you a clip when you when I get it from them they're editing it right now so yeah so keep a lookout for the video get on the patreon folks all kinds of extra stuff Chuck is a Zagan and Zagan this guy's a goddamn goddamn wizard with this stuff

and tell a friend I feel like the gay army is getting bigger come out and see us the world's opening up get the vaccine and come make out with us yeah come on out I'll be in Austin May 15th at the palace right that's what's called palace or paramount fuck me paramount theater that's why there's no tickets being sold the Paramount Theater May 15th Omaha Nebraska April 23rd and 24th and then in June I'm coming to Kansas City and Des Moines funny bone in the Kansas City Comedy Club I think it's called yes those are gonna be fun so get out there and hit up the the YouTube the patreon all the stuff watch the

specials listen to the album stream of all that stuff but patreon is is changing it's changing fast it's gonna be big so get on there oh and we got that we got a curb Musqueef TV new curb up coming out on tomorrow tomorrow baby so give that a whirl put it in your ass tell your dad and blow your mom we'll see you in hell brazilla you