Tuesdays with Stories! - #398 Well Hung

Episode Date: April 27, 2021

It's a thrilling Tuesdays this week as Joe films his tense scene in a short film before having some waiter tip drama while Mark has a joke book crisis in Miami before doing a wacky pull up challenge. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: BLUBlox (blublox.com/tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there?

Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey everybody, welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. We are back in the lunch stuff studios here in fabulous Greenwich Village, which is on fire right now, currently. Literally on fire. It's lit. I think two blocks away is a bar is on fire and it's right in our earshot.

We got the window open so you might hear a couple of sighs. You might even see some smoke. I think it's a residential. I went down there. It's on bleaker. Yep. And it is just heavy pouring smoke. It's a scene out there. There's like hot women and then across the way there's like women on the street. I took a photo of it. I'll post it on the Instagram. Yeah.

Well, Patriot, who's joining to see a photo really? Good point. I mean, if it was my mother's tits, maybe you'd get a couple of subscribers and you'd lose a few. So it would be a wash. We'd lose the gaze, but I'd jump in. No, it's weird because we have a Patriot. Everyone should join. I mean, this thing is hot and cooking. We got a three-camera shoot. We brought in this fella Chuck D or Knoblock or Finn, whatever his name is.

Chuck. No idea what his name is. He's got spiky hair and he's a little gay, but... Big homo. He's doing crazy stuff with the video, the ones and twos, and he's making some crazy footage for us. Yes. But what's crazy is I've never gone to patreon.com. I don't know what it looks like.

I don't know what's on there, who's on there. We create it. We send it off to Shelby and or Chuck and they slap it up there. And next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire. You got that right. I'm scared to look. I liked it. It's up there. You guys figure it out. I don't go in any of that stuff. I can't go to Reddit. I went to Reddit once. I felt like I was on the black market. I didn't know what was all these ticks and twigs and numbers and swoops, boxes and threads.

It's too much. Every once in a while, not every once in a while, every 10, 20 minutes, I'll Google, you know, hip pain, leg arm, you know, eyeballs, blood shot, asshole. And then sometimes one of the things that'll show up is a Reddit forum. And even there I go in and I'm frightened of that. Yeah. The link. So it looked like something out of Greek mythology. There's all symbols and an eyeball with an exclamation and a dildo and an eggplant. It's it's too kooky.

I hated eyeball chambers. And there's that little guy with the black head and the little telescope out of his face. What's that logo? Wait, what? The logo is like a, it's a guy's head with a little straw. Isn't it? Oh, I don't know. I never caught it. It looks something like that right when you go there. The front of it looks like Stewie Griffin with like a periscope.

Oh, I never, never checked out the logo. I got to go back on maybe. Let me, let me pull it up because I might be crazy. With one eye closed, I'm looking through my hand. I can't stand it because it's so mean. Reddit.com. Let me look. Yes. Oh, yes. That's right. That's right. It's a little red alien guy. And it wants you to go on the app, but I always go safari. And then it's just, it pops up popular. What's dangers, but. Look at that. It's so, it's so primitive looking. It looks like DOS and 88.

It's too much, but I, I haven't been on there since the 40s because Louis J. Gomez, who's a big crazy animal. You can't even hurt this guy. Puerto Rican. Seven years ago, he was like, I went on Reddit for a while. I had to get off Reddit. It was hurting my feelings. And I was like, Jesus. If he's getting off, I don't want to be right. Yeah. Forget it. So no Reddit for me. But we tried to check our Patreon digits recently and I just saw like 48 comments,

23 kind of like, I can't look at those fucking things. Yeah. I do the Facebook page and that's enough. I don't go anywhere near that either. It's too, too hurtful, too much of a dick in the butt. Well, the problem is they talk about you like you're a, an action figure or a queef or a, or a celebrity who's never going to see it. Like I remember when Ari Shafir went on a podcast and railed against a big celeb. I'm not going to say who. He heard it and just said, Hey, what are you in confronted him at the club?

He's like, what are you doing? Yeah. Well, I never thought you'd hear that. Yeah. It's a, it's a topsy-turvy wacky world and it's unpleasant. And I always feel that way when people yell and talk and shout and you're like, that's out there. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm, now I'm backtracking every Tom, Dick and anal I've plugged and poked and jizzed on. It's a little tricky, a little scary. I've thought that before.

Like what if we really blow up and then I'm at my nephew's soccer game and then they're like, there he is. That's the kid that made 350,000 kid fucking jokes. And then they chase me out of there like Borat at the rodeo. Yeah. Yeah. Was that the one where he was naked? I can't remember, but I know he was in danger. He's running, crabbing his genitals out of a hotel room with a fat guy. Oh, I think that was DC. Wasn't it? I know he went a little crazy down there. Yeah. Yeah. He's a cookie guy and an odd duck.

I mean, he makes fun of everybody to their face, puts them on in the movie. And then he's like, I'm a hero. I give to the, to the AIDS fund or whatever. You're like, well, which one is it? Right. To Redneck. So you're a hero. Yeah. It's a little interesting, a little spicy. And who knows? He's got his own things. There's a whole other thing going on with that guy.

I might sneeze. It might be the cat. Oh, wow. You got a dad sneeze. Holy hell. That was right in the tits. Yeah. Yeah. You sneezed right on him. Sarah had an idea for a sketch a long time ago, but a first date and then it's going and then she sneezes into her shirt. And then we go to hook up and her tits are just covered in snot and Snuggers. It's pretty funny.

Do you jizz on the snot really get a gumbo? I don't know. We never got that far, but it was an idea. I like it. How about when a guy talks and he's got just the slightest gurgle going and you go, you just clear that. Oh yeah. You can feel the clear. That's why I got a hawk every once in a while because the silent re has made a big comeback. I'm all itchy back here.

I think that's maybe why I'm sneezing. Yeah. Maybe it's the smoke. Maybe it's the cat. Maybe it's my asshole. But sure. Tony Hawk. Hawk it up. Something's got me sniffling and snoffling over here, but what can you do? But yeah, every once in a while you listen to someone talk and you're like,

God, it would feel so satisfying. You just want to do it because I know how good it feels to just go. Yes. That's it. And then sometimes they're on a pod. I'm like, you're speaking into a microphone with a couple of Siemens dancing on your glob. Bula back there. Get it down or get it up. They probably got silent re get it out. Get it out. Good movie.

Which one was that? Oh, get out. Oh yeah. By the way, shit year for movies. Can I just say I watched Menari the other day. If you've seen Menari Menari. That is a piece of shit. I've never heard of Menari.

Aziz Menari. It is so bad. It's like nominated for best picture. It's going to win. I know it's going to win because it's about a blue collar Asian family. And it's kind of the year of the stop Asian. Hey, they had the parasite moment. Don't you forget it?

I know, but that was pre the year of the thing. Yeah. That was just great. And that was exciting. And that movie was amazing and deserved to win. It was thrilled that it won. And I love that guy. Korean.

But this one. South. P.U. It is a stink fest. Really? It's so bad. And it's just like. Yeah.

Stinks. Stinks on ice. Stinks out loud. Stinks on rice. It's horrible. Oh, Asian. Well, what's weird is now. Hold on.

Let me speak over the some Asian guys getting bludgeoned to death with a egg roll. Hold on. What's weird now is they. It seems like the winner of the movie is just the saddest. That one was the saddest one. You made me cry and jerked my tears and jerked my ass and jerked my nephew. But it's not actually a good movie. It's just it's just a bummer.

It's nice and sad. I mean, I don't know. The best picture nominees this year. Sting. I mean, trial of Chicago seven, speaking of Sasha, Barry Cohen, I can't even watch that one. It just looks like a cheese dick cheese ball movie. It feels like a movie.

It looks bad. Sound of metal is amazing. I don't know if you watch that. Love that. That's a hell of a picture. But thank God the lead was brown. That was that was a film. But Menari stinks.

One night. Miami's the worst thing I ever saw in my whole life. And I can't remember the other ones. No Mad Land. Oh, no Mad Land wasn't bad. I liked it. You get to see McDormand's Bush and that's fine. I've been wanting to see that since Blood Simple.

So I know, but there's a cutoff on that bush. I mean, it's an expiration. I want to see the butch in 91, not in 01. Yeah. 21. Two term bush, but W. Who knows? But anyways, Menari sticks and isn't there another comedian named Menari?

Menari. Menari Shafir. Oh, that's not bad. All right. I'll take it. He should be home soon. That's two references. I gotta I gotta move on from him.

He's been in my head. Well, he's been in my ass. And that was the last time I'll ever go to Ecuador. Well, he likes to pack a bowl. No one ever refers to an asshole as a bowl, but that's pretty good. Well, because you use your shit in a bowl. So maybe it's too confusing. You know what I mean?

You put your bowl on the bowl. There you go. It's a bowl exchange. Ah, we're going bowling for Columbine. That movie was a little off-putting, too. I might add off-putting bowling for Columbine. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's one way to describe it.

I'd say it's a school shooting, right? Yeah. Well, it's a documentary about guns and everything. There's a couple of real stretches from that stretchy waist to his stretch mark. He's got a couple of that guy's a real tub. He's a good man. He's a good man. Any jizz.

Buy a button down. Will you more? I mean, every day I see him, he looks like he's coming out of an LL bean. I don't know. He's just so, it's like sweater and blue pants with a fluffy hat that looks like it's been run over by a truck. The hat game is where it's bad. It's a flat bill on the back.

Never quite fits. It's up. It's goofy. I don't know what's going on with his hat situation. He looks like an old out of work umpire. It's like all black, but it's all ill-fitting and faded a little. The guy's a millionaire. I know.

Well, he's making documentaries about steer eggs. All right. Sorry. I'll get it. All right. We're having a ball for your minds in the gutter. Anyways, let's focus. Oh, the Oscars.

Yeah. Well, the ratings are through the floor. They're going to do zoom again, which is zoom Oscars and zoom in it. Oh, no. It's all ruined for the Oscars. I think people gave up on that last year. The golden anals and the globes and the Emmys. It's all shit.

But last year, I think there was an Academy Award before COVID, right? Before everything shut down. Remember, Kimmel did something on the middle of the Emmys. They're all blending together like that. I feel like wasn't the parasite was last year? No. Parasite was last year? I think it was two years ago.

Pretty sure it was last year because I saw it in Omaha right before the shutdown. Maybe you're right. I'll be, I don't know. I was just in Omaha. Never mind. I think it was. I think they must have done the Oscars. It was right before everything shut down.

I think the one directed by Hong Kong. Do duck. Bong Joon. Joon. Bong Joon. J-O-O-N. Sorry. All right.

Bong Joon. Yeah. I think that was last year. Wasn't it? It was like two. I mean, you got to take the pandemic year and that's gone. That's out. That's already over and done with and didn't count.

No. The pandemic year is this year's movies because it's like the Super Bowl. The Oscars from last year was for the movies from 2019. And I definitely think it was two years ago. Let me look it up. Give it a go. I feel like we need an in-studio producer here. This is no good.

Kat's worthless. I mean, this guy's like an old Mexican siesta. Just sleep it on the job at a few too many services. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Parasite was a 2019 film. Oh, shit. Won the Academy Award for Best Picture.

It hit me, Fatty. All right. Give it to me straight. I can take it. Wait a minute. Oh, God. Keep talking. Winners, nominees.

Chinese takeout menu. What are you looking at here? This is big. I see a lot of characters. This is all the Oscars. This is a bad Jesus. It's quite a list. Idea.

So that's the thing. All right. What do I see? All right. Here we go. 92nd Academy Awards. Yeah. February 9th, 2020.

That was pretty shut down. Wow. Man. That was last year. They had them early last year. Usually it's late February, early March, I feel like. Right. Yes.

The gay Super Bowl. So we're back, but this year they're not going to have one, I guess. Well, it's going to be a Zoom. Oh, Christ. Christmas. Which is kind of nice though. I mean, look, only because we got to watch the pre-roll. Ryan Seacrest is out there.

But the black lady with the Star Wars outfit and the hat. And they go, oh, what are you wearing? And she's got feathers for some reason. And then we got to go, oh, she looks fatter than normal. And he's gayer than usual. I hate it. Just give me the movies. Well, you don't have to watch that.

You don't have to watch any of it. Well, they say, hey, it starts at eight. And I put it on at eight. And we're, oh, we got another hour of jazz or sizing and red carpet. Does it match the drapes? Well, I think you might remember this story. We had a mutual friend at Quatons. Oh, lay it on me.

And we had an Oscar. He had an Oscar party or she, whatever. They had an Oscar party. And they were like, all right, come at whatever time. We're going to have Oscar Teenies and whatever. And we were drinking and having some fun. Actually, you know what I just realized? Uh-oh.

You weren't there. You blew me off. You fucked me. I came later. You fucked me twice. I remember with this same guy once with St. Patrick's Day. And this is where I got my first scoop of this piece of shit. You were like, I'm in the bar.

This is before I knew you were a fucking lunatic and I was walking around looking. No, it was, uh, it was called, um, I had a t-shirt forever. Emerald Isle or Fenway or Fupa. It was some Irish bar, St. Patrick's Day in New York. And it was the first St. Patrick's Day. I wasn't in Boston for people tried to go, oh, we'll take you. We'll go wherever. And it was a knockoff.

At one point I did get up on the bar and sang Danny Boy, which was pretty fun. Hey, he directed a Slumdog millionaire. Well, whatever you kept saying, I'm here. I'll be there in 10. Of course you never showed up. You weren't there. I was like walking in and out of the bar. It turned out you had just given me the old, uh, heave-ho.

No, that's not. That's when you throw someone out. This was the opposite. You were giving me the run around. The run around. You gave me the run around. Yeah. And then you were supposed to come to Oscar Tini or Grammy Tony.

Grammy, Grammy Tini. Yeah. And I brought Canada along and then you never showed up. You stiffed me on that one too. Well, you know, it was, uh, it was a different time. You could, you could get drunk and meet a fat, yell at a bar and bring her home on a wheelbarrow. But, uh, also cell phones were more primitive.

I couldn't get ahold of things. Now you fucked me. But anyways, what happened was we were watching the, the red rug there. Yes. And carpet. Red rug. It was the shining red rug. Uh, but anyways, we're watching it and all of a sudden the commercial came on.

He started fast forwarding. We were like, what the fuck is this? We were watching a recording of the red carpet. You're like, what are we doing here? You have the red carpet recorded. We're watching a recording of the red carpet. Oh, and then you're holding a Grammy Tini that he made. His name is.

I mean, that's when you realized this guy's a, a fatalist. I mean, I was going to keep an anonymous. Oh, sorry. Bleep his name. Yeah. Bleep the name, please. So I think we're making it less and less anonymous. I mean, the podcast exists in.

Ah, good point. I didn't know we were international. We were in town blank the city. Jesus Christ. I gave a country in a first name. I think it's pretty tough to, uh, he's out of the business. I don't think so. But someone, he has friends in the business that go, hey, these two assholes are shitting

on you. I mean, I like the guy. We're still, we're still pals. We talked on the phone a little while ago. I mean, I love the guy. Yeah, I love him too. Yeah. We love him.

We love you, buddy. We love you, Steve. Yeah. But I do remember Tivo. When I first saw Tivo, my mind was blown. I said, this is going to change everything. Oh, Tivo. Oh, I think that's Steve.

Oh, no, no, no. He sucks. Um, you don't like them? I like the, the antics. I like the cutting up, but, uh, you know, get off the stage. My buddy saw him, my buddy, a friend of a friend. I have all these friends of a friend. I'm like Kramer over here, but this guy, my buddy went to school with was at, uh, first

break. What's it called? Spring break. Spring break. Yes. He was there and this was like pre cell phone camera or whatever. No, no TV show. I think I told you this already, but he was on top of a roof and dove off the roof into

the pool just like for fun. I love it. He wasn't doing a shot. Like that. He's just that fucking crazy. He's crazy. And that's, that's the guy you want to see. You know, you don't want to see him at the Omaha funny bone, but, uh, yeah, no.

He's a, he's a cool dude and fun and ballsy. I mean, the guy would snort wasabi for Christ's sake. Yeah. That's pretty ballsy. He falls down and let a scorpion, uh, get the sack. I mean, the guy goes for it. Yeah. I don't like that shit.

I think that's so strange, but that was my least favorite part of jackass. I like when they did the sketchy type thing. Yeah. Yeah. That was amazing. Well, yeah. Well, it was tough cause Knoxville was so likable, but he would put himself in harm's way for you for your entertainment.

It was, it was something touching about that. Like he'd go, I'm going to paint myself red and have a bowl come at me and you're like, you don't have to do that. And he's like, that's for the show. Right. It's fun. That's cool. I hated the shave the guy's head and then like the, yeah, punch him in the balls, but

I love that the golf course, air horn is like one of the funniest things of all time. And that was the one in the movie. The first movie they were hiding in the golf course by the T box and just hitting an air horn every time guys go to drive. And then you couldn't write something better. The guy gets pissed at them and he turns, he's going to drive his ball right at them and right as he goes to do that, they hit the air horn, the ball goes rolling away. It's like perfectly executed.

It was great comedy because it was basically if cartoons were live, like real, right? You know, they would just hit you with a mallet and you get a big doinkie here or they'd go in a loopy loop with a rocket car. It was all just Tom and Jerry. So fun. Yeah. Kill for a big doinkie, doink, but same speaking of movies and films, I got to give everybody the second half of this tail, this movie is in the can.

We have we have shot and the joke is the name of the movie. Oh, pretty good. It's not a joke. Not to be confused with the Brandy Carlisle hit song of the same name. Aha. The joke or the Joker. Well, that's yeah. That's one letter.

I guess it's one letter away. Well, Joker is the movie. I know that the Joker is a guy. So it could be confused, but it has some roots in that. Oh, you could say band roots. Yeah. Ah, movie too. Many series.

LeVar Burton. What's his name? LeVar Burton. Who's that? He's the black guy. Toby. I never watched it. He's also the next generation Star Trek.

He was the blind weirdo at the. Oh, he was roots. Yeah. No kidding. And I believe reading rainbow, but don't quote me on that. Wow. Take a look. It's in a book.

That's all I got. Reading rainbow. I can't read. Lots of fun. Yeah. Um, any tips. Oh, sorry. So last week we, we, I regaled everybody or regarded everybody with the tales of the

rehearsal. I had just come from rehearsal for the movie. Uh-huh. If you remember. Yes. That right? Yeah. I did a nice big rehearsal with the other actor and myself and was on my way to there.

No, I just come from there. Okay. I came from there. Went, did the rehearsal, went and shot this movie and I got to tell you, I feel alive. Woo. I mean, I have not felt this alive in years. Wow. I mean, I went over there and I said, I'm going to really try to nail this and have some fun

and learn and just be part of it. I'm going to be an actor. Maybe you are an actor deep in. I might be an actor. I don't know. I mean, I don't have much range. I'm playing myself. Sure.

But hey, it's fun to emote. It's fun to own it and be vulnerable and let it all out. Oh, I really went for it. I mean, I took my, my dick out. I got naked. I touched a couple of kids. It was really exciting, but. So we show up there and the movie's shooting over on Sutton Place.

You know Sutton Place? Very high end, very affluent. It sounds like Britain, doesn't it? Over here, Sutton Place. Yeah, it does. Kind of, maybe it's right next to Hyde Park. I mean, it is pretty beautiful over there. This is, if you're not familiar, Eastside in the 50s, 54th and 1st, 50th East Sutton

Place. You're basically in the river. Right on the river. Like that scene in Manhattan where they're under the bridge is like a block up over there and you look out the window of the apartment. There it is. East River. You can see Brooklyn.

You can see the Williamsburg Bridge. I mean, it was really something. Doorman, a couple of doorman with the big hats and the thing and the brass elevator and really exciting stuff. So of course I'm nervous, give you a taste of old New York, the way it once was. By the way, happy anniversary. Um, rusty, um, so I go in there and call time is a 930 call time means, you know, what time you have to go to work for you, uh, you folks at home that don't have jobs, don't

know what it's like. Yeah. Yeah. I hate call time because you show up at 930 hustle to get there. That's, that's an, uh, the devil's asshole for you. You got to go up and out and Queens and up, down Chinatown. Well, the first day, first day I took the subway to 59th and Lex. So it's C on paper.

It's not far. It's like three blocks over and four blocks down, but they're big blocks. You hit red lights every time there's construction, there's rush hour. It took me 20 minutes to walk over there. But the other days I took an Uber and took nine minutes, just boom, boom right across the bridge. So I get over there 930 AM and I'm nervous because he's shooting on film, which I think we discussed last time it was film.

It's a limited amount of film. You run out of film. That's it. Done. Which is the way they used to shoot, of course, but these students, you know, they can't afford more than that. No, no. The bit of the loans alone and the thing with the film is when it, when you're recording

on film, you hear the, wow, I love that. So it's right in your face and you can hear it and you know that it's burning the film every second that it's running as soon as you hear it clicks on and goes and you just know it's money. They're just printing money and this is all he has. It's his whole student thing. The cat's looking at me freaky. Ah, you're funny.

But let me ask you this there, Freddie. Is film costs more now that it's, it's less used or does it cost less now? Because you know, supplying an anal there. Well, that's an interesting question. I don't know. Very interesting. I would assume it's more because they got to make it still. They still got to make it.

They're making less. It might be about the same, but it goes up with inflation. But I mean, it's so much more expensive than digital because digital, you could just shoot a million takes, which is what we're used to shooting any time we shoot anything. I mean, we're not shooting shit on film. We do a little sketch. You do a thing out in the thing and you got a digital. You go to take it again.

Kind of like with someone hands you a photo nowadays, because yeah, take a photo. People go, I took 48 of them just to make sure exactly, which I never even appreciate because I'm like, now I got to decipher which one's the best. I got to delete 47 photos here. That's a lady move, you know, because you only look good in one of them out of 39, so you got to take 40. Well, you get the blanks and the tits. It's a whole situation, but yeah.

So the film, they get four canisters of film and it's 11 minutes per roll. So they have 44 minutes to get a seven minute movie. Oh, that's pushing it. I mean, it's pushing it. It's pushing it real good. And of course, there's some fuck ups. They click it on and the person goes, oh, I forgot my line. I freaking out and everyone's like throwing their hands up and it's just burning the burning

the film. Mark burning Jerry. So that was pressure. So I'm standing there. I'm like, I'm afraid I'm going to ruin this guy's movie. The whole thing. And I sit there with the other actor and the other actor, he's an actor. This guy's a real actor.

He's got, you know, headshots. He went to school. He's on Broadway. He's on Shakespeare. He's a Shakespeare. Summer stock. I don't know what that means. That's something with Shakespeare.

I don't know. I don't know. No idea about Shakespeare. What I know is to be or not to be. Yeah. He, you know, he invented the word on, you know, you go, that's very unrelatable or that's a undoable. He invented the UN.

Not the United Nations. Yeah. Unsubscribe. There you go. Don't do that. No kidding. Wow. I didn't know that.

He's big. He also invented the word Jessica or the name. Really? Yeah. He's got some contribution. No kidding. I know he was married to Anne Hathaway. Different Anne Hathaway.

Really? Yeah. The OG. Anne Hathaway. Not OG. O-A-H. Old Anne Hathaway. Original Anne Hathaway.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. But she's old. Yeah. She's dead. I think she killed herself, I assume. But that guy is really something. And evidently, people, there's those people that are real Shakespeare assholes that are

like, every story comes from a Shakespeare. Right. You know what I mean? Like you watch Saving Private Ryan. That's McBeth. Right. And fucking Pulp Fiction is, for old brother, we're out there. Hello.

What the fuck it is? Yeah. Yeah. So anyways, he was great, I guess. I never got it. I don't care for the language. He stinks. I like Shakespeare in love.

That was good. Yeah. Quite a paltrow's tits are fun. Her ears are weird. No offense. I just watched Ten Things I Hate About You. It's so funny because I was like, this is an adaptation of Taming of the Shrew. It's the same thing with the Cunty skinny chick and she's a twat and her sister's trying

to get laid. Yada, yada, yada. I never watched it or read it. Ah, it's pretty good. All right. Heath Ledger, right? Yes. He's very good.

He's passed away. Unfortunately. He died. So handsome. Yep. He died. Batman killed him. But.

Itages. I get there. And the other actors, he's Shakespeare. He's theater. He's commercial. He's TV. He knows what he's doing over there. And so I'm kind of confessing to him.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm an asshole. But then I catch myself going, what are you talking about? I perform every night. I do stand up comedy. I've taken him probably. I went to the New York Film Academy for acting. Yes.

I'm playing sketches. Ah, I can act. I'm playing myself. What the fuck is this? Why is this guy? He's not better than me. I'm better than him. How about that?

Fuck this guy. He sticks. So I got some confidence and I just said, hey, listen, this guy hired me. He knows me. We wrote it. We're rehearsing. And then I got really in there. We started rehearsing.

Had a lot of fun. I was really making eye contact and listening and acting is not acting. It's reacting. Whatever bullshit I heard in a magazine once. But it was so exciting and you rehearse and you rehearse and you rehearse and you say, what if I said like this? I'm not so comfortable with that line. I think this guy might say this.

What if I close one eye? What if I hop on one leg? What if I fuck the DP? You know, I just start throwing shit out there and it's exciting. And so we go into the room. We rehearse and we do a camera rehearsal and all this stuff and you're like, I'm doing it. We're making a movie.

It's so exciting. I've been obsessed with movies since I was six. I never had the balls to pursue it. So I'm in this fun film. It's NYU. Scorsese went there. It's all I ever wanted to be and do. And you meet some young whippersnappers.

There's a Tuesday on the set over there. He's working the boom pole. He's a gaffer or a key grip or a homo. I don't know what he is. Love a gaffer. But this kid, by the way, he's going to be big. This kid's going to make it. His name's Vinny Vince.

Who's he? The gaffer or the director? He's the gay gaff. Oh, the gay gaff. And this kid, I mean, he's handsome as fuck. He's like a bro, but he knows everything. He's like, we got to get a 42. We got to get an eye 69.

Let's bring in the film thing. I love that. And he's running around. He's like anything you need. He's jumping on. He's a PA and a producer and a gaffer, a grip. He's all the things. Gaffer is your best medicine.

He's jumping everywhere. He's got everything and they're fixing the lights and I'm standing in. But this guy, he's funny. He told me a sketch idea. It was a killer sketch idea. He loves us. Loves the show. Loves the slop.

His mother was a mutter. Mother was a mutter? Father was a mutter. Jesus. Go gaff. So anyway, big Vin. This guy's going to be huge. He's going to be Adam Sandler or some shit.

It was very exciting because it's a unit of six. So the six students, there are three men, three women, and they had all done their student projects of the seven minute film. And my guy, Mariano Mariano don't go from Peru. Oh, he's a sexy motherfucker. Yeah, you're telling me. And so he's the director. This is the last project.

So all six have done the other five all done their film. This is the last film of the last thing second year at film school. And so I was trying to get the dirt because I'm like, you guys, you must hate one of these people. There must be one asshole whose movies sucked. I mean, give it to me, but they wouldn't give it to me. They're like a nice unit. They're sweet.

The younger generation is very sweet. Very sweet. Very, very nice. Seal team six. Because you know me. I would have been like, this guy's movie sucks. He made some soap opera shit. She stinks.

His dick is small, whatever. But are you in front of all of them when you're saying this or do you get a couple off to the side? I was pulling them aside, asking for their numbers and, you know, whatever, whispering sweet, nothing to say. I like you the best or whatever, but yeah, I couldn't get any scoops, but it's so interesting. I'm like, I wish I had done it like a meta documentary about the six of them making their films.

It's just so interesting to me. But so Mariano is my guy and he really was a great director. He believed in me. He was really helping me and say you could do this. You could do that. He really was open, very collaborative. I like collab and I'm telling you, this is going to be a hell of a picture. Maybe we'll put them on the Patreon or YouTube.

It's a lot happening in this picture. I mean, you got to put on YouTube when they developed that film in four years. They got to develop the film. He's got to edit. He's got to, you know, tape it. I think they uploaded digitally though. So you can edit it, but whatever. Still exciting, but it was quite a thrill.

And then the other actor, he had to get emotional and that got weird because these actors, you know, their actors, this is what they do. And he wants to get a reel and he wants to get the next role and everything. So he was really trying and what are we talking like, Joey? That was my name. What are we doing here? Like, are we crying on the shoulder? Are we blowing you?

Is it tell me by your name or eating ass? Well, I don't know how much I can say about the film. It's not my film, but basically I go to therapy and I'm just going to do it. I guess, but I'm a comic. I go to therapy and I'm working with Alan is the name of the therapist. Man, this guy's all in. So it's Alan and Alan's giving me some advice, but then there's a plot twist. Oh boy, Alan's minutes.

We got a twist. Huge twist. All kinds of twists and this turns. Oh man, it's like shoots and ladders. There's twists as well as turns. But so Alan's wife comes in played by one. Sarah Ptolema, which is it is about 38 year difference. By the way, the guy Alan is played by, you know, Anthony Hopkins, his older

brother. So he's younger than Sarah. So Sarah comes in and, you know, they have a little, little beef and I'm in the middle of the beef and at one point I'm on stage at a comedy club. It's pretty wild and sometimes it's even spooky. I think it's going to come out a little bit. It's, it's going to be really something. I'm excited to see this thing. He packed a lot into that tight little kid, but absolutely little bowl.

So I'm excited, but he has asked this other actor. He's like, do you think you could cry for me? And the actor's like, I think I can do it. Oh my Lord. So the second day towards the end of the day, it's the big cry scene and the actor, he just disappears. He's out down the hallway. He's out riding fences or something.

Well, he's got to conjure up the molestation or whatever it was, the dog dying, the mom eating him out. Exactly. I mean, this guy is legit. This guy is an actor. So I feel like an asshole because the whole time we've been goofing around. And at the end of every take, I'm like, an anal is funny or whatever. You know, I'm acting. I feel like an asshole.

So I'm like, I kept breaking tension, improvising some weird shit or whatever. Or saying I wanted to blow my dad or whatever. And I think a couple of the ladies didn't care for it, but what can you do? They'll treat people like equals, I know, but so he goes off to the end of the hallway. So we're all kind of sitting around, checking our watches going. And then, you know, Marianna is going to go down because the director is going to deal with all the talent. Yeah. Yeah. Well, till he gets an AD, well, he goes down the end of the

hallway and he comes back and he's like, Hey, the other guy, he's, he's in it right now. So we got to kind of wait a couple minutes to just be careful when he comes out because, you know, he's not Steve anymore. Now he's Glenn or whatever. Oh, Jesus Christ. He's meta. So it's making me nervous because then he, and then he comes out like it's like a prize fight. Like the curtain's open.

He comes out and he's got his head down. He's all red eyed and I'm like, Jesus. And then Sarah, you know, she's just, you know, Sarah, she just wants to come in, have a little fun, whatever. She's in the scene with him. Oh my God. She must have been thrown off. And Sarah's never made eye contact in her whole life. I mean, we fuck.

And I say, thank you. She's looking over at, you know, the poster of Mel Gibson. Sure. Yes. He's good. So she's got to like stare at this guy and she's just looking at me like, would you get me into you asshole? And this guy's got tears just flowing and the camera starts and he's just, he's in it. And then my cue is supposed to bring them out.

I'm supposed to say, Alan, what the fuck? Let's get out of here. This guy sounds like a bit much and he's not breaking because he's in it. I hope he has a Heath Ledger. So I'm going, Alan, Alan, Alan, I can see the director's like, what the fuck? And the film, the film, but the guy, he's getting a good cry going. So I don't know what to do. What do I do?

And then do you want this? Are you getting this tag? I don't know what's what. Sarah's looking at me. She's showing me her tits. This guy's assholes, squinching. Yeah. It's a seven minute movie there, Nicholas.

We don't have time for you to weep it up, but finally they go cut. They can it. He throws the line. It's beautiful. And I'm so excited. It was quite a performance by this guy. I learned a lot. I'm like, I gotta figure out how to get my inner whatever and get some cries going.

But I feel like I did. Okay. I don't know. I can't wait to see it. I hope he doesn't hate it. I hope he doesn't cut me out of the thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Might give it to this guy. The movie's called Alan now. I said that. I was like, this feels like it turns into his movie for a while, but it kind of comes back to me. I don't know what it's going to look like, but the cats having a fucking freak out. He's having a dream about a mailman or something. That was crazy.

That was a little seizure. Yeah. It does that. Little seizure pizza. Seizure. Seizure. Anyways. Wait a minute.

Do you think in a deep, twisted, fucked up, kooky kind of way, he wanted to be the main quiefe? You think he was trying to steal the, steal the pie? Well, the director asked him to be emotional. So that's what it took for him to get emotional. But it was, it was tricky. And that was my first experience with like, I can't imagine what it's like to work with, you know, Sean Penn or whatever because Daniel Day.

Oh my God. Forget it. I always think about that scene and there will be blood where Daniel Day was pulling Paul Dan out through the mud and like shoving mud in his mouth and his face. Oh my God. That must have sucked so bad. I know. And then just two feet away is just a guy going, you know, with like a guy holding the

boom and then we're just right there. I mean, the cramming mud in his mouth and like fucking eating it. Yeah, you fucking loser. So, but it was quite a sight to see and it was great, but it's so hard because the comedian me just wants to be like, what are you doing, dude? I'm like, what is this? I know, but he's good at it. You know, that's what it takes.

He was a pro. It was exciting to work with them and fun to just be, to be playing. It was fun to play. It was kind of like doing this, you know? It is weird because I've done minimal act. I've been in a few plays, some rinky dink, patchwork, player, bullshit. And after it's over, you have this jolt of like, whoa, way, like an outlet. You feel like you got something off your dick and you're, you're, you're doing skipping

around the neighborhood. It feels, you feel reborn. Oh, so, I mean, all the stuff is still on my dick, but I felt great and I was skipping out of there and, and Sarah kept being like, what time is it going to go? I have a spa and the other guy's like, what time? But I was like, I'll stay here all day. I love it. I'm chatting it up with these guys and you know, I'm a big film nerd queef.

So I'm loving it. I'm like, what are you using the 240, the 616, the 2018, check the can, suck your dick. And so I was just having a great time and I wish it was a feature. It was every day for the next six months. I had such a great time and I told these NYU kids, if you need a limited goof with no, no range, hit me up and have me in there. But I think these kids are going to be the next wave. This Mariano, he's like a visionary.

And then this kid Vince is, he just knows it all. He's very funny, very handsome. He's, I think he's going to be big. These guys. All right. Big Vin. Now wait, let me ask you, what are these, these kids, these youngsters, what do they think about the, the state of film?

Does it ain't what it used to be? Well, we didn't get to talk too much about it, but I assume they're really into the, the good stuff because they're NYU kids. They're studying all this shit. By the way, the, the DP for this project, her name is the name of a famous filmmaker. One of my favorite filmmakers, the last name I see the tape on the, on the slate. And I go, Hey, blankety blank, any relation to blankety, blankety blank. And he's like, yeah, that's my dad.

I'm like, what? And I wanted to just nerd out, but you don't want to do that to the kid because then you're like, I know whatever, whatever, but I was like, what? You got to be shitting me. Wow. I can't believe you're working with Polanski's kid. It was so exciting. So the whole thing was a big, exciting experience and I just want to do more.

I want to be up the ass of a, you know, you're so scared to try to do a thing and then you do it. I should have been pursuing it my whole life. I wasted my life. Proudie. Hey, you've been in a, you were in a Bacardi commercial. That's nothing to sneeze at. Captain Morgan.

I did Henry Phillips movie, but I should have been trying to do, but I was like, what am I going to do? I'll just tell dick jokes at a fucking comedy club instead my whole life. Well, that's other wrong with that, but I will say there's nothing more fun than being on set. It's the best, especially when you have a big role. If you're one of the extra queefs in the back, you know, who's dressed like a, like a pilgrim, you know, you got to churn butter the whole time.

That stinks. But when you're really in it and you have a chair with your name on it, that's the move. That's embarrassing to be a extra. They should all shoot themselves in the tits, but in there Tuesday's for stories is brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum folks. Everybody knows how hard it is to quit smoking. The best tip yet. Don't start, but maybe you're already started.

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Moons over Miami. It was super fun and as you know, much like Tejas, you go down to Florida and you just you just get off that plane, you want to bang a guy's wife, get an ass implant and buy a gun. Certainly. Yeah. I mean, Miami, you want to be Cuba. I want to go to little Cuba, little Havana and go to, what's that place I always go,

the diner there with the things. With the sandwiches. Yeah. What's that called? Madeira's or? Arena. No. I just went there a couple of months ago.

Amari. Best picture. I can't think of it. Either way, one thing with, you know, Miami was great. We get in our hotel. We're right by the fun stuff and we actually were staying in Doral. Doral. That's where the club is.

It's one of those jobs. You know, you got to go out to the the burbs. I don't like the sound of that. Yeah, but it's a cute little Hispanic suburb. It's nice. Los Otros. Yeah. We went to a cock fight, had some Mofongo and some salsa music, but the club is beautiful

and I just got to say this. This is, it's pretty newish club. I don't know. Maybe it's eight years old. This is the most accommodating staff I've ever seen in my life. Really? Unbelievable. First of all, they kept thanking me for being on time.

They're like, thank you for showing up a little early. Thank you for not going long. Thank you for being ready and having your shit together. And I'm like, what the hell is going on at this club? Well. And I think it's a, yeah, it's a local scene and they get a little, a little free wheeling. Yep. They get spicy.

There you go. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay.

Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay.

So here's, here's just an example. I forgot my merch. I'm, I'm so bad with, with everything is why I'm an assistant. I put, I sent it to the wrong place. I fucked it all up. I got the shipment wrong. It never showed up because of me. So she goes, I know a guy in Miami.

He could probably make these tonight and we'll have them for tomorrow. What? What the hell are you talking about? Usually you forget your merch. Yeah. What do they care? They don't care. But this lady Melissa was so nice and they got the shirts made, Southgate printing.

I want to say some guy named Eric. He showed up. We got a photo. He's a Tuesday. Whoa, Eric. Hey. Yeah. I put the, I put, he sent me a photo.

He's like, here, here's a, I'm printing your shirts right now. And it was pretty cool. It just was like, and it just pumps out of a little hole and says comedy on a black shirt. It was great. Wow. So I made more money because of them. And just the best staff, the wait staff would come in the green room and bring you all kinds of good stuff, recommend stuff, ice cream.

They gave me a bottle of tequila, a bottle of whiskey, a bucket of beers. I mean, it was really something. What a town. What's the name of the club again? Miami Improv. Oh, Improv. Yeah. So all those years of you showing up on time, not going long, not burning the light, not

banging the owner, that pays off apparently. They keep track of that. I think that's big. I think that's all I've ever had my whole life. I'm not funny. My dick's small. I got herpes. My father's gay, but I'm always on time.

Yes, exactly. You're an on time, herpes, small dick, small mouth, forehead and man. But they keep a tab on that. So just remember, you know, they tell people, they talk, they all chit chat. So I got to give a shout out to just Miami Improv. Great club. Just everything you need, they'll just handle it for you. And they're one of those clubs that acts like it's their fault when it's clearly yours,

which goes a long way. I appreciate that. I don't want any fault. I don't want anything to be because of me. So please, everybody take the fault. Yeah. I was like, oh, I fucked up the shipping label. She's like, no, it was probably us.

Some guy stole it. These Cub Scouts around here. Who knows? I love that quality. Yeah. But here's the only clinker about Miami. We said, you know what? Let's go down and do South Beach.

It's Saturday. Let's get up early. Let's get out of Doral and get all the way down to South Beach and just live it up. Sure. So me and her, we wake up. We're hungover. Me and the lady and I get an Uber. It's like $68 because it's a mean drive.

You jump in the Uber. We're all excited. Woo. It's kind of like in a swingers where they're like Vegas. Right. Right. And then, you know, 48 minutes goes by and you're sitting in traffic and the sun is blaring into that Camry windshield and you finally get there.

It is bananas. Like it was one of those things where the traffic was so bad and the music was pumping everywhere. That was like, let's just get out. Let's just walk it. I'm not. That's the kind of guy I am. Yeah.

Let me off of the freeway. I hate traffic. Hate it. Even if I'm walking in heels, I'd rather be walking in heels than sitting in the back of a car in traffic. Same here. Hate the pumps. So we get out and we go in this bodega zone.

There's a couple of cocktails or white claws or Bud lights and she's like, I need sunscreen. So I was like, all right, we'll get that. We'll do the whole thing. We realized we didn't bring a towel. Didn't bring a bench. Didn't bring a balloon, a pail, a shovel, nothing. So we go in this bodega kind of thing and we're the only white people in there and the poor clerk guy is this cute little Asian man.

Looked like short round from Indiana Jones. And he goes, my mask was down here because it's Florida and he goes, please, could you put your mask on? And I go, oh yeah, sorry. My bad. My bad. I was not wearing a mask. And I was like, he was terrified.

He was trembling. And he's like, what are you having? We were so nice. He was like, oh God, thank you. Thank you. Help me. Help me. People are like smoking blunts in the air.

It was hilarious. Two guys stole the register. It was the whole thing. But man, we just sat on the beach and we just, it's helped to have a little, boy, I've never seen a cat chum up to someone like this. It just stretched into me. It wants to cuddle. Look at that.

Wow. This is unbelievable. It stretched its claw into my asshole. It's a white claw, by the way. It's a white claw. Indeed. Yes. But yeah.

So just a great time on the beach and we didn't know we were on the gay beach. Gay beach. That's most of Miami beach is pretty gay. No kid. I thought it was all big, bunking Latino boys fucking our wives. No, no. This was boys fucking our boys. Man, they were twerking and popping and locking and squeaking and squirting.

Man, it was a show. So you get up, you get your bench, you know, you go, we'll take one bench. They go, that'll be $800 for an hour. And you go, okay. What's this bench? Bench. What are you talking about? We didn't bring a towel.

So they give you a lawn chair, you know. A lawn chair. Yeah. I didn't know the term. A bench is like a Woody Allen sitting on under the bridge. A bench, you know, your fucking Johnny Bench. No, no. The only thing hard and wooden was my dick staring at these homosexuals out there with

the thongs. My God, the thongs. Sometimes you see in the, in the between area. Oh yeah. The thong pushes it out. So you get a little negative space where the rubber meets the road. That's right. Well, they weren't wearing rubbers and it was a wild time and I just had a blast.

Got a little drunk on the beach and that's not it takes out of you two shows that night. Oh, I can't go to the beach on show day. Really? I do it all the time when I go to Florida, but you know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah. Now let me throw this one at you here. Now this is the, the weird stuff where life fucks you right in the pooper.

On the way to Miami where JFK, which is a nightmare, but it's a crazy security line. I take out the wallet, take out the joke book, take out the keys, the headphones, you know, the pen, everything. And I put it in the bin, goes through, it's all whacked out. It comes out the other end and like the keys are on the belt. The joke books all split the hell. And you know, I have all these loose papers on my, in my joke book that you just throw on top like so, you know, like that.

Sure. Yeah, yeah. And I put that in the bin when it comes out the other end, they're all strewn about. Some are on the belt, some are all over the place and the one, you know, this is all nonsense, mostly swastikas and grocery lists, but the one I needed was gone. What? Isn't that weird? This is 68 pieces of paper.

The one I need that has all my new jokes and like the shit I'm working on gone. Oh my God. It's like, what's her name? Pepe Rosa. What was her name? That's one tuck. AOC. One no tuck.

What's the lady? What's her name? Oh yeah, Maria. He's like, I guarantee you Rosie's not tucking your bed. Right. And then he lost the paper. What was her name? Yes, it was like that.

Donnelly Fiori Collin. Yeah. Senorita. Chiquita banana. I don't know. Pepe, I think it's an R. Rosie Rosa. I think it's a Rosa.

I'll think of it later. No, I know what it is. I'll think of it in a second. Fuck. Let it happen. Let it happen. Loosen your asshole. I guarantee you.

Lupe. Lupe. It's Lupe. That's it. Wow, it came in. I had to just settle down and loosen the asshole. It was good advice. Yes.

A guy might be an open miker who wanted to grab a Norman bit. I just think it's the weird way that Murphy's come guzzling law. You know, the one, half of this is like, this is a fucking roadmap. This is just, you know, my ballot for who I voted for. This is all nonsense. But the one paper I need it is gone. It's weird how life can fuck you just in the right way. Well, when life gives you lemons, they take your bits, you know?

Yes. And your virginity and hymen is bleeding. So that was just one of those twists. Right when you get there, you're on no sleep. You get to the airport and you're like, oh, the one joke I need. I'm that guy. I'm going through the car wash flaps of the belt. They're like, sir, sir, get out of there, you know?

It was a nightmare. But I couldn't find it. I never found it. I looked on the floor, the roof, the hell, the hell, hell or high water. It wasn't there. Well, your set's recorded at least, right? Yeah. You go back in and listen to them.

I know, but who wants to listen to me do stand-up? I was doing this like, oh, God, I can't find the one I need and whatever. I made it work, but it's just fucked up how the worst thing that could have happened happened. But I get it. It could have been worse. Could have lost all the notes or I could have got a rear. Yeah.

I mean, the TSA guy could have taken it back and raped you until he came in your mouth. This is true. So that would have been a bummer. This is true. Yeah. By the way, I think your cat has something wrong with it. I mean, it's got crazy jitters. It keeps doing like a...

I think maybe that's why you guys are similar. It's a little jumpy. I know, but it seems like an arrhythmia or something. I'm telling you, I might be saving your life. I would take this thing to the vet. We've taken it. I had a couple of friends over. I was like, is this weird?

Because it was doing this again. They were like, oh, animals, man. They twitch. Oh, that sounds like a bad friend. That's the friend that when you park in front of the sign, they go, oh, don't worry. And then you got a big ticket. You're going to have a big ticket on its toe when it has a seizure. Big ticker.

It won't stop. The heart's jumping. I don't know anything about a cat other than it has six toes. But this thing is shaking like my asshole on a Friday night in the winter. It's shaking like a gay on the beach. Now, here's one I got to run by. So that was Friday, Saturday. We go, hey, let's check out Miami proper.

Let's do the city. Let's see some stank on these buildings and go down to the nitty gritty. Sure. So we go to this place called Windwood. That's like their Brooklyn-y hipster area. Stevie Windwood. Yes. The High Life again.

So we go get some overpriced Asian food. We get a couple overpriced coffees and a donut. And we're walking around. There's a mural garden. What do you call that? Mural. Oh, I know what it is. You paid 10 bucks.

No, mural. A sculpture garden. Yeah, but it was murals. So I guess I had it. A mural garden. Yeah, I think you got it. So there's this hipster chick with blue hair shaved on the side. And I go, hey, how much is it for the mural tour?

And she goes, it'll be $10, eight if you're a senior. And so I go, you know, I'm trying to be folksy. So I tell her, oh, senior, that's all you pointing to the lady. You know, she's younger than me. That's the joke. And the girl goes, wow, rude. Oh, jeez. I mean, there was some venom on that.

Oh, boy. Yeah, she goes, ha, ha, wow, rude. And I go, what do you mean? And I was in a mood. The sun's beating. I'm sweating. I'm gay. She's rude.

You're in a mood. Yes. I'm rude. Oh, yeah, I got jude. But either way. Rude. Oh, this is getting a little lewd. But she goes, wow, rude.

And I go, what do you mean? She goes, that's pretty rude. Calling her a senior. And I go, well, there's actually nothing wrong with being a senior. So you're rude. Oh, wow. And then she goes, well, well, whatever. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, how come when I sing you it's a whatever?

Well, you can sing me. And that's the problem with these people. They don't take account for what they're doing. There's a whole other thing going on with this lady. She's got some problems. She's working at a mural garden for God's sakes. Good boy. Maybe you've heard of that until 10 minutes ago.

Yeah. Fuck her. She stinks. Hopefully she gets some help and takes a Prozac or whatever. You win. She loses. That's what I say. Oh, hey, wow.

I take it. I just, I wasn't having it. You know, like she was like, hey, you know, cisgender, whitey, male. You can't talk to people like that. And I'm like, well, you, your thing was actually more offensive. So how come you don't take, take credit for that? Yeah. Put that in your pipe and blow me.

Exactly. No blow. So we didn't go in the mural garden, but we did go down to the, the Windwood marketplace. And this caught my anal. Now, now this, you're not going to buy it and you're not going to go with it. And it's going to be a horrible idea. But I'm throwing that at you anyway.

Oh boy. Do I have to do something in this scenario? But I just know it's not going to end like I would hope. Okay. Oh boy. There's one guy sitting on a stool and there's a, what do you call it? Pull-up bar. Okay.

And he goes, there's a big sign. It says, if you hold on for two minutes, you get $100. Oh wow. Sounds like a carnival. It's a carnival, but it's a grift. Uh-oh. So I go, wow, I do pull-ups every day on scaffolding. My, my whole day is hanging on bars.

I've passed the bar. Okay. So I go, I think I might do this. And this guy behind me is some old guy with overalls and a sailor cap goes, don't do it. Don't do it. And I go, what do you mean? He goes, I tried it. It's way harder than it looks.

The bar rolls. Oh. And I was like, uh, well, I do a lot of pull-ups, man. I do like 50 a day, 40 a day. He's like, I, I, I, I'm not saying it's impossible. People have done it, but don't do it. And it's all ego, Jerry. They get you in.

Of course. Yeah. So I don't understand. Do you have to pay money in? I didn't mention that. Sorry. You got to pay. So how much money do you pay in?

10 clams. All right. 10 bucks. So what? Worst case scenario, you lose 10 bucks and you leave ashamed. Yes. Exactly. So I got the lady watching.

I've already been shamed, uh, attempted shame by the garden mural whore. And so I go, fuck it. I can do it. Okay. I'm listening. So far I'm on board. The guy had no faith in me. He's like, all right.

He's got a little knapsack, puts the 10 in, zips it up and he goes, all right here. How about this, Dick? I'll let you have a stool to, to hold, like to stand up and hold it and I'll pull the stool out. Oh, okay. Like a suicide. Yeah. Exactly.

Which was a little nicer, you know, because if you have to jump up, that takes a little, that has a little gank down to it. Plus the pole is a lot of energy. Exactly. So you want to conserve like a Republican. And I said, all right, give me the stool. I want every inch I can get here. That's what she said.

And so, uh, he puts the stool down and I grab it and I'm feeling pretty good. I go, Hey, this is all right. And I go, wow, I'm probably almost done two minutes. And I go, how much time do I have? And the lady goes, you're 20 seconds. And I go, Oh, you can't even ask the time. You're going to just stay in there. It's like planking.

You're going to just really just go, don't even tell me. Let me know when I got eight seconds left. Exactly. So now a crowd is gathered. I got old mama, Clarita, I got a couple of black kids. I got the baby and the stroller with the family and they're all like, come on, buddy, come on. And then I try to adjust and it turned on me and then you learn all you lose.

All your, all your strength at all goes because your arms are going through hell. And I go, what am I at? One guy goes 58 seconds and I go, well, I got to get a minute and I put everything I had into it and I jumped up like I, you know, what do you call that? I oomphed. I boosted. A boost. Yes.

I boosted and I got one more thing and then the thing turned again and I fell right on my ass and I got to a minute even. It was so embarrassing. There is a season turn, turn. Well, I think it's great. You tried, you did your best. You should get 50 bucks by the way. That's interesting.

It's all or no. It should be a buck, a minute or a buck a second or something. Yeah. That's not bad. Get your money back because he's like, honestly, the average is about 40 seconds. I was like, all right, I beat the average, but boy, I really thought I had it. Yeah. It's one of those, those tricks, I guess, that makes it seem like no, it's like eating

six Pringles in an hour or whatever the fuck the thing is. Exactly. The 100 eggs or whatever. Yeah. 35 or 39. Yeah. But you did your best. I mean, 10 bucks.

What the fuck? I had $10. What's $10 really? No, it comes and goes and you can't take it with you and I'm selling the merch anyway, but boy, I really thought, hey, how hard is it to hang? I can hang. I'm a good hang. You can't hang.

We're hanging right now. Yes. Well hung. Speaking of $10, can I just, we got a overtime here, but I gotta throw one thing out here because this is like, if you had held that for two minutes and got the hundred bucks in front of your lady and the whole crowd like George pulling the title list, yes, yes, holding one, it probably would have given you a similar feeling that I got from this event, which was much less effort.

So it's Sarah's birthday. She turned 58 again and I went, we went to Bartolino's where Vita used to have a show. Great, great restaurant. Great Vita. So we go out there, Darth Vita. We go to this, this, the restaurant or whatever. We're bullshitting. It was a long shoot day.

We shot ourselves the movie. We shot the movie. Ah, it was exhausting. I was getting up at seven 30. The whole thing. Well, this wasn't a mass. This was a lump. So we go over there and we're eating Bartolino's and you know, we go out to eat all the time

and I always pay because I'm a man or whatever. Sure. So he hands me the check. I give out the tip and I just do this man. I'm like, this is a huge tip, a hundred, a hundred bucks. We're at a hundred bucks. The two of us, we had an Italian meal. What the fuck's going on here?

I never do this. I never look at money. I always just put the tip, sign whatever, fuck it. I don't want to look. I'm bad with money. I'm an idiot. Same. So I just went.

How is this a hundred dollars? I don't get it. So I did the math and it was like $20 plus $24 plus 350 for a drink and 16 for a dessert. We got dessert and I was like, this adds up to $67, it says $77. So I'm like, I never do this. I'm like, I did the math like six times in my head. We pulled out the calculator. I'm like, nah, this is crazy.

Yeah. They added $10. Oh, interesting. So I call the guy over or maybe it was 62 and he put 72, whatever it was, it was $10 off. So I said, I'm going to be a man here and I said, pardon me, sir, this doesn't seem to add up. I'm like, no, no, it adds up. You're wrong.

It's 72. And I'm like, it's 62. That tax will get you though. It's a cum guzzler. Well, it says tax underneath. There's taxes on there. Okay. So 62.

Then the tax is six bucks or whatever and he's carrying, he's doing long arithmetic or whatever you call it. He's like, carry the three, stick up the six, up your ass. He's like, look at 72 and I go, pal, I don't know what to tell you here, 20 and 23 of 43 plus three is 46 plus 16 is 62 or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And finally went, oh, I'm wrong.

I'm crazy. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. Wow. And that's pretty much it. That's the whole story. But I felt so good. I never look at the money.

I never asked for whatever, but it felt so good. I was riding high. I felt like a man because I'm like, and then I wondered, I wonder how often he does this. He just act with conviction. I'm an actor. He's an actor. You just go, oh, fuck. My God.

I can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry. Do you think this twat was a scam he's got running here? I don't know. It might have been an honest mistake. I still gave him a 20% tip on the actual price, but man, I'm so glad I looked and checked and I'm wondering how many times I got fucked on that. Good for you because I don't look at any of that stuff either.

And I just checked. I was like, let me look at my bank account. See what's what. And you start seeing all these, on the activity, the negatives, you're like, I don't remember buying that. I bought a cum quad, a dildo, and a poodle. This is all. Then you call in.

They go, oh, sorry. We'll take that right off for you. You're like, well, how many times is this happening in my life that I have no idea because I never checked the statements. I know. You know how much of the hotels and comedy clubs because you put down the incidentals and then the incident is that you paid for a hotel. Exactly.

Exactly. Then they go, whoops, sorry, our bad. We're like, what do you mean you're bad? That was $700. I almost queefed right over. You fucked me. You got that right. Anyways.

What a wild episode. Tervy turns in and twists. Yeah. We're shooting movies. We're doing pull ups. And by the way, join the Patreon folks. We're about to do a bonus. So many bonuses.

I mean, how many bonuses are on this Patreon? Well, we just kicked it up quite a bit of a notch and so many are coming out must queef TVs. We did an extra queef the other week just for fun. We did a Zoom. We did an in-person. There's tons of content on the Patreon and the patrons have shown it just with the upping of the memberships.

Yeah. We added a new 100 people. We went over 4,000. So keep joined. Let's get to 5,000 for God's sake. So if we get to 5,000, we'll 69 on the radio. You got that right. And who knows?

We'll see this picture you got cooking here with the Thesbian. I can't wait to see it. I can't wait to feel it. Mariano Dongo from Eperru made a hell of a familiar, however you say film in Spanish, but it was pretty exciting. So join the Patreon and come see us out on the road Paramount Theater May 15th. I'm Austin. Hell yeah.

And I got a bunch of other dates. I'm working on getting my website updated. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a loser and I hate myself. But yeah, go check that stuff out and subscribe to the YouTube, subscribe to my YouTube, his YouTube. Go crazy. Yeah.

Check out our specials and whatnot. I got dates as well. MarkDomicoe.com. And yeah, tell a friend, queef it up and praise Allah. Thank you folks.