Tuesdays with Stories! - #399 Lube Chew

Episode Date: May 4, 2021

It's a wacky Tuesday as Joe has a mistaken identity street confrontation while Mark cruises around L.A. with Salacuse doing all the pods you can think of. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), Keeps (keeps.com/tuesdays), Native (nativedeo.com/stories or use code: stories), & Gabi (gabi.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy yeah here we are folks we're we're zooming I know you hate us but we're we're making it work I'm in LA he's gay and here we are queefing it up that's a real

LA hotel artwork there dude I got screwed the pictures looked amazing it's like a Tinder date I show up and I got a fat whore over here and it's a shit box and everybody I tell in LA go whoo what are you doing you loser why are you staying at the loser joint well it was a good rate and all the air being bees are like hey we got to shove a swab up your clit every week and you gotta get tested in front of me and make out with my dad and I just said give me a hotel I want to fucking bottle of lotion in a towel but I'm saying why don't you stay at the nice hotel you're doing well get the hotel live your life a little but how bad can

I'm how much better is a a Lowe's or whatever the hell's hotel you've heard Double Tree Home Depot yeah how much better is it than this you know quaint little hippy-dippy joint well you tell me you're telling me it sucks I mean you got the hot place with the hot tub you got the place with the big bed the vibrating bed the glass shower the dildo I mean some places are amazing above and beyond cool neighborhood hip this place looks a little motel 60 it's a little motor any I'm not gonna lie to you it's pretty shitty but I got duped by the photos that's what I'm saying I pulled up and I was like but then it's too late

the photo dupe you gotta go to use I'm all reviews and then you gotta check the date on the reviews keep in mind that most people that leave reviews are psychotic but yes but keeping that in mind if it's got five stars or whatever what the fuck yeah good point good point but they're raping you out here on hotel prices these days maybe COVID or you know black lives matter whatever it is but either way it's it wasn't cheap so this was like middle road and then I get here and I'm like oh no wonder yeah but we have like you said though once you there it's a place to play it's just a place to plop worse worse Peter made

impression ever I was really bad I was supposed to be I didn't want to say anything but yeah not great and but he's tough he's underrated yeah well the thing is he's so straight so it's hard to impersonate him right right yam yam yeah he's tough you have till the end of the day to get I don't know why I'm doing like a weird like Indian thing oh welcome Elaine hello well eventually they'll get rid of him like a poo that shows it's been off the air for some time Simpsons no as I felt oh oh right right oh I see I see good point good point there was an Indian joke how's my Wi-Fi is it coming through I've had bad Wi-Fi I

said this off air but I got new neighbors moved in Steve Rogers Steve Big Dick Rogers and Caitlin I don't have a nickname for a polufo and the minute they said what kind of Wi-Fi you got over there we said we were working with Spectrum we can't wait to have you ten minutes later after they said what kind of Wi-Fi you're working with bang the Wi-Fi sucks it's a piece of shit and I think their cable guy came in and fuck with the wires or did something tubes or whatever he took a little snippet of your cables and yanked it over into their house you know that you get you're losing your juice yeah something's up I

had to zoom on my phone earlier which I don't like and then Sarah I had to tell Sarah I like to go fuck herself with the dildo in the ass while I'm recording sure well that's nothing new there but yeah I know I did nothing worse than the slow Wi-Fi especially when you're used to that that 5g shit and then all of a sudden you're down to 2g you know what it feels like is when you're on the don't you hate this fucking more than anything in the world or is that maybe it's just me I don't know I'm a cunt obviously but by the way I watch the new patreon video it's just me complaining it's horrible everything I say I'm like

this sucks this stinks this is gay great easy out there it's my whole relationship with you it's bad it's a it's a bad friend I'm gonna try to be better I'm gonna try to really be an optimist and say this is great but in my defense it was chilly and those videos they edit three hours down to 10 minutes so the 10 minutes is amazing everyone should join and watch it but for seven hours I felt like we were just talking about our socks yeah well I mean that's what we do we're George and Jerry we do the the minutiae we just throw a Jew joke and an Asian joke in and say cunt but you guys got to go watch it it's 32 full

minutes of you and I shuck it and jive it out in the street buying pizza doing sets at a hell hole and it's all up there now so join the patreon today it's very exciting but what I was gonna say is the Wi-Fi going out it's a little bit like when you're on the plane and you throw the movie on and it's right at a big scene and it just goes hey everybody this is your pilot calling in just to tell you to put your seatbelts on wear your mask and my father hit me when I was a kid that's why I'm a pilot and you're like I'm writing the fucking plot and then he hangs up you get two more lines and then the goddamn flight

attendant comes on and says hey I'm a dumb bitch and I bring sodas to people for a living and you like shut the fuck up yes I get it I mean there's nothing worse than you're not a porno guy but when that porn is loading and you get the beach ball spinning ah you want to go gay you go I gotta change what I'm doing and I think that's the closest a guy will ever feel to you know when I when a girl's banging a guy and he's like I can't get it up and she's like oh is it because of me and you're like yes possibly but that's our version of the of the person not getting it up yeah I guess so I mean the interesting thing

about getting it out I guess we have bluetooth now sponsor but yes with a woman if her pussy doesn't get wet you can slap some butter in there some detergent some you know what I mean you could spit on it you know piss on it but dick hard it's not like she can just take a tube of shampoo or toothpaste and rub it on our dicks and get it hard well do you think and you're a big lube queef do you think the lube is a woman's blue chew I suppose so it's it's a lube chew lube chew that's a title for you folks lube chew you're right but they don't get shamed it all comes back to the guy if the guy can't get it up

he's a homosexual if the lady can't get wet you're not good enough at turning her on well I hate to you know I don't want to be mr. woke feminist over here but as far as double standards with sex go it's a little tricky for the women in other ways because there is she's over 40 she's old she's wrinkly her pussy's all dried up I wouldn't fuck my father's dick yeah right you know so if they fuck two guys they're a whore if we fuck 50 we're a hero so there's some things on their side but yeah it's not it's a fair point I mean you know yeah I'm not saying you're a bad asshole I'm just saying two things can suck is what I'm

saying she that sucks for her that she can't blow a homeless guy and still get a job at the Dwayne Reed but I shouldn't say CVS cuz Dwayne Reed is regional but yeah yeah I'm fine with a girl being a big skanky whore and blow on her dad and then I'm also fine with admitting that if a guy can't get it up he sucks and if the girl can't get wet the guy sucks yeah I mean I guess and sometimes it feels like it's out of our both situations are out of our control but sometimes it is the other person's fault I mean if a lady's fucking Richard Simmons I imagine her pussy's gonna be drier than my my father's sense of humor but if I

if I'm fucking you know Aunt Betty on Halloween night I'm not gonna have a very hard dick yeah I guess so now I'm such a cuckoo because I get off on a real ghoul hmm ever you ever plowing a just a garbage bag of a lady and you're like this is kind of hot cuz it's like I'm fucking an old dumpster well I've done the first half a bunch I mean I fucked all kinds of ladies that you wouldn't want to see nude but it never worked out in fact I had one one time where I was having sex in the style of a dog and I just completely lost my erection because I was like this is this is the yuckiest lady I ever saw not

that I was a prize exactly but it was just so such a bad scene and I had to be like I'm out spray this is different than the spray differently but the spray was also a bad you know my my insecurities my lack of confidence really put me in a lot of situations with some some women that would that you would be into evidently well that's the thing is I have such low self-esteem as well and I think very lowly of myself that when you are with this bridge troll maybe it props you up a bit oh I see I never felt that way I just felt like I'm a piece of shit for you know existing up for I saw I suck she sucks we all suck for ice cream

yeah yeah that's it you know what the the real kick in the taint is is you know you ever with a girl and your friends like dude you're better than that get your shit together and then you're like wow imagine how she would feel she heard this you're using her as a reference for how much I'm a I'm a loser yeah I mean I think pretty much any conversation any person man woman or otherwise if they heard other people talking about them sexually they'd want to kill themselves oh god dude I'm with you I picture people talking about that while I'm fucking absolutely that'll really make you last yeah you just picture them emailing

their cousin be like I can't wait to tell you this guy I fucked he thought he was licking the wrong part of my asshole he was you know what I mean I just can't even imagine I don't want to imagine it sounds horrible there's a guy I listen to this podcast 10% happier with Dan Harris it's a wonderful podcast and Dan Sam there's Dan and Sam not okay it's funny cuz those are the two pockets I actually listened to but right so they he did a thing I forget what it's called I don't know it doesn't matter what it's called anal it's a thing no I know what that's called it's called fun he did a thing where you do this it's like a

psychological thing for your own self-improvement where you have a bunch of your closest friends associates co-workers anonymously write about you like they take like a Q&A about you and describe like what they don't like in you and what they think you could improve so you get this anonymous and somebody puts it together like a file and they give it to you what's the part what's the good in that well you learn what people really think I mean it allows people to go I mean I'm sure there's a few things you wouldn't mind telling me anonymously where you go hey this guy complains about the cold he

buys pizza is dicks too small and then I read it and go out it's true everyone hates me I'm a cunt I'm a McQueen from a piece of shit so I think it's like YouTube comments which are anonymous also but from people that actually care about you because YouTube you're like well this guy's a crazy person what does he know he doesn't know shit I'm not that get that bad that gay but this is like your cousin your aunt your uncle your your manager your agent your your prostitutes they all tell you what's what oh my lord I mean hey if we do it let's let's patreon it up and I mean we'll know who it's from obviously it

ain't like a Chris Kringle there's only one guy at the office but we should do it or is that too painful that might be they're talking but they want to get your mother your grandparent everybody you gotta get you know you me Kramer the butler it's got to be long because you and I obviously can't do an anonymous we're sitting here talking about it and then you gotta get you know Estee and you gotta get Alan and you gotta your wife and your nephew you gotta get the whole gang you gotta get that kooky brother yours in Africa to write a letter or whatever it's it's weird yeah forget it forget it I'm out it's it's

terrifying I mean Shelby said we can Google the four Shelby desperately wants to do it for us I'm sure this guy will take us apart oh yeah all right well it will be so easy to know who's saying it too obviously cuz well you had a you know beef with your dad about this so then he writes about that I think what's part of it you have to have somebody you hire somebody does like this is their job and they make it more anonymous I think they changed the wording and the thing cuz you know your uncle's gonna be like yeah he fucking stole my GI Joe and stuff it up my ass while I was exactly so the editor has to say you know you

don't care about other people's belongings or whatever the fuck it is yes yes okay okay wow but you know what's funny is just the idea of knowing that thing could happen or that exists already makes me want to get my act together that's a good point you don't even need to do it you just need to know of its existence yeah it's like you know the guy on the the subway with the loud boombox thing that everybody hates but he's in fucking full oblivion if this guy knew about this cheat sheet thing with the with the with the part of you the quality people hate I think he would change his tune right maybe not but I

mean that's that that's the idea as you read it and it's painful and you go okay these are the things because that's how you really find out what you need to work on because if you call me and say hey tell me some things I need to work on I'm gonna go well you could floss more right I'm not gonna say boy you're you tits a crooked or whatever yeah yeah but I think those people who are such psychos in general the guy at the gym with the boombox that guy's fucked either way because if you tell him what's what he goes nah you don't you're crazy I'm I'm perfect so that guy screwed either way so he's not gonna change anyway yeah

I think you're I think just taking the step means you want to change you can't bring this on somebody you couldn't just go hey you know fucking James Woods here's some things we thought about you right right exactly exactly so yeah I remember I used to listen to a love line and Dr. Drew would always say I get it you're worried about your kid but just the fact that you're calling means you're a better dad than most yeah that's nice it's like there's this thing in mindfulness they say being mindful of being unmindful is mindful metal jacket sounds confusing yes which is on hiatus by the way it's coming back we're taking

a break I'm a little what do you call it overwhelmed so swamped only 11 people have written about asked me but for those 11 we're taking hiatus it's not over it's coming back we're doing something special for me it'll be back I promise well where everything kind of you know shit hit the dick when the world open back up we're back on the road we got to make money we forgot we were stand-up comedians we got to go to a club get on a plane check into a shit box hotel so yeah things are all topsy-turvy it's very tricky I talked to my producer of mindful metal jacket I said hey pal I gotta pump the brakes a

little bit here I'm losing my mind and I'm tired of talking to these queeps but he said he's like yeah I'm getting a lot of this a lot of people during pandemic took on more stuff and then life came back and they're like I'm fucked I'm overwhelmed totally totally I tried to get out of this thing I tried to get out of Sam and me pot I tried to get out of comedy because I started doing videos and 12 pods I can't can't keep up it's very difficult and it's more of this we could talk about offline but yeah I got I got four podcast commitments per week plus I got three other online commitments per week and then you got your shows then

I'm writing a thing and then you still try to do some videos here and there and you try to be a husband and a father and right you know a gardener it's it's a tricky thing yeah yeah you got to quit that pot with you and Louie called circle jerk we're too busy it's very difficult and of course Ron on he doesn't have anything going on in his life so he's like let's do three episodes a week we got to watch nine movies a day yeah you know he's Jewish so it's tricky to deal with him I get it I get it the yarmulka the temple the circumcising the wigs my god the wigs I got I feel like I gotta say I love Ron

on he's like I love the thing he's gonna kill himself and call me and he's got a lot going on too I'll tell you by God yes yeah he got into the cellar and he lost some weight so he's got I think he's got a hot hot whore now oh Jesus well she's not gonna like this oh I think she's got a hot dame over there I don't know she's a whore that's why it's a joke yeah it's funny yeah we'll cut all this hey Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Ray Con I love Ray Con I keep them next to the bed I use them when I hit the gym I use them when I jog they don't fall out they fit well they sound amazing the sound is just booming and

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do it now anyways I got a store I you know I should I feel like I should save it for the end because it's big it's exciting it's something but I got it on my face I'm dying to tell you I wanted to call you it's one of those kinds of stories that's big and it's a little bit connected to that pimple your little sidekick pal old Salak use oh boy well he's gonna like this and then hate it later well he's dishing out bad info but this guy I'll tell you this I still know what to think about this guy he's a little bit kooky he's little he's weird he's our grammar he's grammar so I've always loved I'm trying as we talked

about pandemic I love film and photography and gay sex with boys but so I'm trying to dabble in all these things I always loved and I said yes I started I got this for Christmas my sister-in-law got me the Stanley Kubrick photography book and I love Kubrick okay and all this stuff and so I was like I should go shoot some street photography I've always wanted to do that I talked to him we bonded over he sent me some documentary and I said oh my god we should go out together and shoot and all excited so we set up this big date and we go up he said let's shoot Madison Avenue yada yada boobly boo I meet up with

him he bring I said I got a camera I ain't show me how it works he goes I got six cameras exactly like it I'll bring both cameras and it's like a free little class and we shoot it's fun it's exciting but it's a combination of me being a thoughtful caring person and also a big giant pussy yeah so I got that combo going I care about people and I also want to kill myself got it we go out that was on my list by the way of things to send you I appreciate it so we go out and I'm like I can't shoot people I can't I'll shoot the buildings and the flowers and the sewer cap and my asshole but I can't just start shooting

people and he gives me the rule he's like you don't shoot black people there's too much with a camera oh I see I see got it got it tell the police with anything you don't shoot but he goes you know there's too much history there obviously you don't want to you know you don't want to deal with that white guy with glasses just taking photos of a black person goes but other than that tell it to Kumiya sorry that nobody don't apologize I need you to sprinkle this up because this is called setup in the business all right I'm setting and I'm up well I'm setting and you punch okay punching but I just don't interrupt

interrupt for the joke because the folks they don't care I'm long-winded and then small dick so please interrupt I'm intrigued I'll be punching more than Chris Brown all right so don't shoot him so he says don't do that but everyone else you just take photos of and I go what are you saying I don't understand this aspect of it how do you just take a photo of somebody I gotta ask permission he's like if you ask permission it's ruined the projects no street photography now you're just a whatever you call that of TMZ paparazzi yeah I guess I mean they're doing this what do you call it like a guy that shoots in a

studio we're like oh yeah yeah photographer guy like a magazine shoot yeah like a headshot asshole whatever so I'm like I don't know I'm a nervous guy I just feel like it's rude and they're gonna shoot me and he's like I promise nobody cares and he's like watch this and you know he's a pro he's like one of the greats so he's just stand the sidewalk he's just snapping photos of everybody and he's like literally nobody cares they're just walking right by they make a really face yeah it's a whole art form this street photography is this Salicus this Matt Salicus wow that's great well you know I gotta say he looks

the part here's the thing about photographer on the street he's got to look shittier than you got a wrinkled shirt a crazy hairline a wacky face his pants barely fit he's wearing a kooky jacket with jizz on it until they go oh this this kooks taking a picture of me what what would I give a shit but if you take a photo they go who's this tall string me with the glasses who thinks he's better than me I mean first of all I appreciate that you think I look like somebody that looks better than Salicus I mean he's a I don't want to say handsome but he's he's not he's not gross no he's not gross but he's artsy looking he

looks like he's you know got like a studio and in Lower East Side and he's you know maybe done a couple lines of heroin yeah he looks like a photographer and artist yes yes so he gets out there and he's snapping photos and and and one trick to do it is as you keep snapping as they walk by so it looks like you're taking a photo of something down the street or whatever so I'm like alright so he's like let's see you do it he's a good teacher you know and I'm like I can't I can't do it I can't I'm like they're looking right at me I feel like an asshole plus they're like construction workers these are like real men doing shit and

I'm just I'm just a nerd asshole taking photos I look like I went to fucking Columbia or some shit right right they don't know I'm a moron I do I look like a intelligente well you look like a regular guy whereas he looks like an artsy fartsy cum guzzler you know you look like a standard human being and they go because when someone you see someone take a picture you your first thought is what am I doing something wrong am I weird and then you see a weird O taking you go he's weird but you look normal right and I have to say to Salak use his point today I was walking in Williamsburg and there was a guy a

photographer just taking photos and I didn't even think I noticed him because I was like oh that's interesting I like photography I wonder what he's shooting yeah snapped photos I didn't think to be like hey what's going on here what is this but what do you look like you know I can't even remember because to Salak use his point people are people are living their own this is his point he's like everyone's living their own lives they're doing their own thing they don't even give a shit especially in New York I mean if you go to fucking Bumblecock Iowa start taking photos they're gonna drag you behind and beat you with tire

irons like broke back mountain but yes in New York I think it's just part of the thing so we keep going back and forth the whole day he's like you keep chickening out what are you crazy what are you doing watch this you can't be like watch me do it and he gets these amazing spectacular photos I got one good photo of the homeless guy who was yelling about cancel culture but him we asked permission because he's a homeless guy interesting what you feel particularly self-conscious about because you're like this guy's down on his luck the whole thing yes but that guy had a message so he was happy to be photographed

it's hilarious that you're getting a still photo of this guy's message you know well it's written all over the fucking oh okay he wrote it in feces but by the way I gotta stop bitch about cancel culture if the hobos are now on it I gotta move on that's a good sign where your your your cause is is kaput I mean it's like yelling about the the Ruskies with a with a fucking bombing what do you call that the air raids right plus we're flourishing ah well we'll see after this hotel app um but anyways so that's something yada yada long story short I go out now after his tutelage I go out in a story in my own neighborhood

a couple times I take a couple photos of you know a mailbox and my wife's tits and you know some chachkies yes I send him what I take and he says this one's okay that one sucks they got some talent you're an asshole and I go you know I keep seeing these interesting things but I just can't photograph a person I can't do it I don't have it in me and he's like no one cares you're a goddamn bitch you don't know what you're talking about your piece of shit he tries to hardball me a little bit and I go all right maybe you're right I stink I'm an asshole so that's the setup okay wow that's the setup is fun so I can't wait

for the punch long setup so send send me the photo your wife's tits by the way that's that's the one I want to see it's on the patreon as we speak 40 dollar member so I'm walking around in a story the other day not with a camera just having a tea it's Oscar night we got Katie Hannigan coming over the house to hang out it's nice time I said I'm gonna get a tea and some fruit and some chips I'm out walking I take the long way home it's a beautiful day and the sun is setting behind some trees so I take out the phone and snap a couple photos you know me I love to take a photo take a couple photos I'm listening to Bruce

Springsteen this hard land with my own hard cock yes I see a little lady come running across the street and I just hear I got the music going so I just like and I take my air but out and go or my ray con out yes right gone I go I'm sorry well I thought she was asking for directions and I was excited to be of service yes and I go hey what's what's going on and she's like you can't be taking photos I see you here every day your videotape and everybody you stand in that corner you videotape people this is wrong it's a crime and I went hey I don't know what you're talking you got the wrong person I had both hands up like

this I'm like you got the wrong person I'm really sorry I think you're mistaken she's like I'm not mistaken I know it's you I know your face every day you're on this corner your videotape and everybody you're taking photos it's wrong I want you out of this neighborhood and I go hey and I really felt good I kept my heart rate down as much as I could it was spiking but I keep my cool and I said I'm terribly sorry you got the wrong person I don't I took a picture of the sunset I started pointing I'm like it's beautiful you can look with your own eyes look it's lovely and now people start to gather oh no a gathering did she look

nuts no she looked regular she was about yay hi short lady I couldn't tell if she was Latino or Asian because she had a mask and sunglasses so her face was very protected but she had the skin tone of a Asian and or Latino but regular lady you know dark hair probably in her 50s short just a regular you know jeans sneakers sweatshirts wasn't crazy or I mean she's crazy but she wasn't like a street person or a homeless person and she was just like not on drugs as far as I could tell I want to say Asian she sounds like an Asian but then I with all the videos I'm seeing of Asians getting trampled by New Yorkers I think she would keep her

mouth shut yeah I don't I don't know exactly with the shades and the mask it's hard to identify anybody I'm like I don't know if I would know a seer know who she was if I saw her again on the street well don't take her photo then I want to so anyway so I'm going no no no you got the wrong guy I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about but that's not me I'm taking a photo of the sunset at this point it's not even on my mind that I've been walking around a couple times twice with the camera the real camera that hadn't even crossed my mind yet I'm just going no no yeah I don't know what you're talking about but now she keeps

yelling she's like you know what I'm talking about I see you here I recognize you it's wrong you're wrong it's weird and I'm going no no and now people are gathering around and oh you know this is at this day in age I'm a tall slender white asshole being yelled at by a woman of color and accused of being a creep so I feel like most people are gonna be like oh this guy must be a creep so now I'm getting like nervous and upset yes yeah but is she right because you have been taking photos the past couple days like a goddamn photo class with Sally or is she confusing you for someone else though from the descriptions

he's confusing me because I'm like I've never stood on a street corner I walk around because it wasn't till later that I was like oh I took pictures of that mailbox like literally a month ago but I've never taken a photo of a person that's my big phobia I can't exact photophobia in the back of my mind I'm like why I really won this argument with the Salicus here yes yes good point I'm not even taking this lady's photo she's going apeshit but we were like a manager in an uppire so she's yellow and I took out my phone I said look at these photos look at and I screwed I scrolled through and I'm like look at see it and

I was like held it to her I'm like it's a beautiful photo I'll post the photo by the way on this yeah please I'm like it's a beautiful photo and I was pointing at the thing and now there's like three old guys sitting here and they start looking at what I'm pointing they're trying to like is it beautiful I can't tell I'm like it's really beautiful and I was like you're missing it look at how beautiful the sunset is and she's like you got other photos in there and I said take my whole phone look through all my photos what about the dicks and the tits in the mailbox those are in a special file I got it so I start swiping through

all my photos she's like you got other photos I know it you're a liar and then she's I hit I hit a point where I went all right that's enough of this so I said I started going on the offense it was like a turnover I took the ball and started running I went crazy I was actually a costing me in the street right now yeah you know what you're talking about maybe there's a guy that does this but it ain't me and I was like I haven't even been home in a week I've been gone and I don't know what you're talking about you got the wrong guy and now you're a lady I started pointing I'm like you're a lady screaming at me in

the street accusing of me as something of I didn't do and now you owe me an apology or a costing me and it was pretty well I'm fired up I love it but here's the thing with crazy people you can't reason with these psychos well I do feel like there was a moment where she kind of had a thing of like ah fuck maybe this is the wrong guy she kind of went like she got weird for a second by the way she's like kind of in the street I'm on the sidewalk and there's like a car between like she's yelling over the car yeah I just cradily moved I just hit a moment where I was like what am I doing and I tried to do the right thing of

restraint and of pen and tongue and just go hey I don't know you're a little crazy and then I went hey I ain't no doormat here what is this yeah and I said you should apologize I want an apology I apologize from you because you're you're screaming at me in the street and you're crazy I was like you should think about the kind of person you are because this is insane good for you now I got some thoughts but keep going you're on a roll okay so then I go alright and I kind of was like I'm gonna walk away now but you're wrong and what you're doing is wrong and this is no way to treat another person so

here here take care so I start walking she walks up the street like in the bike lane not in the middle of the street but she's in the street not on the sidewalk which makes me think she's crazy crazy so I start walking back to my house what this is like two blocks from my house I stop at a red light waiting across the street and this lady's like still coming I'm like she's still here right behind me and I she walks like right past me and I didn't say anything and she didn't say I think she keeps walking then I'm like my heart rate's coming down and I'm going to meet up with Sarah and Katie at my house and I'm like I can't wait to

tell them this story this is so exciting yeah and as I'm walking I hear guess she's not a fan of the pod come on that's lunch unbelievable I couldn't believe it because you're sitting there going a this part of you that's like this is an amazing podcast story and B you're like I wish somebody saw this because I was proud of my behavior and I turn around and I go oh my god and there's this guy sweet guy and he goes hey I heard the whole thing I watched the whole thing he's like your your your voice is tattooed in my head and I watched and listened to that whole

thing unfold and I was like that was crazy right he's like completely insane he's like you handle yourself well I love the podcast I love the patreon and how crazy we lost Mark he's dead oh my god that's incredible holy wow thank God you handle it what if you hit her you know now you'd lose a fan but Jesus that's incredible wow and good for you for staying strong I would I would with crazy people I go what were you talking about you fucking coo coo you crazy you're nuts but you you you did it sophisticated and clearly and respectfully oh thanks it was fun I wanted so bad to just call Salak use right away and be

like you don't know what you're talking about I got a cost in it wasn't even I didn't even take a photo and it was so it literally it wasn't till like an hour later that I was like oh maybe she did see me taking photos of the camera before but once again I mean I've literally taken zero zero photos with people in them in a story ever right wow you know what's cool about that is you basically had a Twitter fight but this is the beauty of face to face is it was it was handled and ended there's no you know you get yelled at on Twitter by a crazy person happens all the time then you attack back and then they attack back

and it goes on to perpetuity then you just block them but that's why face to face is so good because you can just end this shit yeah and I feel like like I said I felt like we got to get to the ads for God's sakes but oh yeah it felt like there was a moment where she was kind of like ah shit maybe he's right it was when I turned it was like you're crazy this is crazy and you want to be like I'm gonna call the police on you how about that yes yes and I'm like I'm cop I'll go get that camera and show you every photo of fucking taken on the goddamn thing maybe this is why the Asians are getting knocked out on

Broadway but I might have been I think she might have been Latino is she did she say sorry I assume not no she didn't say sorry she's kind of just went like did like a whatever like a hands up and walked up the street and I stopped once once she got past me I stopped and just kind of like watched her cuz I was so fascinated by this lady yeah but it's scary shit because you know some big crazy guy could go away what's this right and take her side and go I'll beat the shit of this guy or smash his phone or smash his legs or whatever exactly believe all women Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by keeps baby hey my

hair's thinning it looks decent on a zoom but when I'm come out of the show or look like a like an old rabbi so get on it folks and the beauty of hair is you got to keep it it's not about restoring it later you got to do it now get on it ASAP and ladies love it I love running their hands through a nice nice big bird's nest so get on it folks we've got some terrifying stats for the gentleman out there two out of three men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they're 35 that's right more than 50 million men in the US suffer from male pattern baldness look at LeBron it's going back we all see it there James E

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say and I can speak from experience I've known the the coop for 98 years and he came out to LA with me he flew out oh god he in the room no no no he's killed himself two days ago but no he came out to LA and we stayed in the same hotel he's in the shitbox with me and he can roll baby Salicus I feel like we're doing this whole episode on him but he can rally he can roll there's no he's the opposite of you there's no this place sucks there's no I hate it here there's no my car sucks he rallies and we got a diner attached to the hotel which was just a perk I didn't know about so every morning we wake up he goes what are you

doing it's like I got a cute roommate and we go get pancakes hey that sounds nice he is the opposite of me because I care about what other people feel and don't want to obligate their space and privacy and he doesn't give a shit well here's the clinker is I got in on I've been I've been all over this goddamn town I filled up everything I had to do in LA in three days tonight's my last night I'm doing two shows I think I've done nine podcasts so this this we're gonna see a spike on this thing if we don't that we're doing something wrong but it's like Whitney Cummings Tom Segura Bobby Lee Santino Chris D I hung out

with and geez a couple more Ari Mannis a few more and man oh man I packed it all in and everyone is different Adam Corolla everyone is different because you got to match everybody's energy you go from one to another and it's like fucking a gal here and then drive me to another part of town and fucking a gal there it's all different there's a different scenario different style different mindset and you got to match it baby and it's fucking exhausting it's all pipes yeah we have we do we do LA different I go to LA I'm like alright I got two things to do and the rest of the time I'm going to the movies with Chris

Walsh I can't handle it but I appreciate it because you doing that only benefits me so I'm grateful well doesn't always benefit me because some of the people that come go hey this guy on the left is a piece of shit I hope he dies and then they take the liberty to tell me but the rest of them I appreciate I get I get to scoop up all your hard work meanwhile I'm over here watching the latest Liam Neeson with Chris Walsh and Tommy John again I hear you but it also hopefully results in some ticket sales for yours truly so yeah it's it's it's a win for everybody but let's not forget you're doing a king pod and in a month or two

or two weeks couple weeks yeah next week the week after who knows that's exciting and and Ronan's putting some asses in the seats too I can tell you that I don't know about that but hey I'll agree to disagree but yeah it's been wild I flew in got my rental car a Hyundai Valester which is the worst name of all time sounds like molester what's next the Honda diddler alright that's my opener on the road and we went to Whitney Cummings mansion I mean it is the biggest house I've ever been in my entire life there's a rock climbing wall in the back and infinity pooled as eight Teslas in the garage these people are

a different breed there fatty I mean I can't believe first of all it's not a mansion it's a woman chin that's how you put asses in the seats folks there it is good to have you back that's excited cuz she's got the two broke girls dough oh yeah oh yeah she had another sitcom as well she's got her her fat mitts and every Tom Dick and anal in this town and a couple Netflix specials but like this is a different ballgame out here I mean we're we're at a coffee shop trying to write you know a knock-knock joke and these people they're selling movies and shit sorry I had never thought I was laughing no I know it's embarrassing I

mean you know what can you do but we're living in a good life but it really does make New York look like AAA I mean you go out there it's all sitting on a cliff in a beach house doing a two-hour podcast and they're like no you gotta put up ten minutes of horseshit on the regular pod in the patreon you shoot a movie so we're trying a little bit of that now but yeah it's embarrassing they all they take their boat to their car and I'm over here taking the detrain to your house like an asshole right right I mean hey we win on the when the stand-up special comes out but yeah I mean they they're making the money and they're selling the

souls and fucking the kids are drinking the blood whatever it is but my god when you walk around these homes he said I went to Bobby Lee's house the view is out of a fucking Scarface movie it's like up on the hills and you can see the whole city and he's drinking out of a woman's skull and all this shit you're like what am I doing with my life but then you talk to everybody for six minutes and they all are on lunesta and propa fall and Viagra Bobby silent re I got nothing today but I like the time yeah so yeah that's it's I'm just excited that we're back to like go to LA and do some business in LA I've missed it so much I

miss LA yes yes I'm doing two shows tonight juzzle necks on and you know Eliza's Lessinger so it's it feels like they're kind of coming out of it but the CDC not to get all coiffey with the with the with the COVID but they just announced that it's cool to go outside and not wear a mask but tell that to LA there if I'm getting some dirty looks for walking down an empty parking lot with no mask on well I gotta say as far as COVID goes I'm two weeks after my second shot and so things I've read about the vaccine is it's a miracle and it's exciting and I am just here to say I do not give a fuck about COVID I'm

vaccinated and other people have made this point starting on the right or libertarians whatever they're like if the vaccine is so great why are you worried about people not getting vaccinated which I understand it can still spread and transform but me personally I'm vaccinated yeah fucking fuck my mother in the ass if I want I'm done with it I'll still wear the mask because it's the rule of the law whatever the fuck but I just am not worried about I went to Omaha did meet and greets took photos it was delightful so COVID is over as far as I'm concerned I'm with you I mean I was doing meet and greets in

last May but I'm totally with you and it feels you know you were out in the Midwest I'm going to Tacoma tomorrow is in just in Utah and it feels the the rest of the world is agreeing but LA is its own own anal and I hope people get the vaccine whatever I got it I feel great so I'm excited and we're back baby it's exciting good to be back gonna be selling some shirts and taking some photos and slinging some yucks so yeah just just a real eye opener coming out here because you start to wonder is it a self-esteem thing do we not shoot for the stars like they do because we're sadder inside what do you think it is

like why why did they move here and go big and we move there and went medium I shoot for the trees I think stars are overrated they'll burn you they're very bright and gassy good point good point so I shoot for a nice tree no I don't know I mean first of all it's hard to say because compare and despair as we say sometimes I mean you compare to Bobby Lee and Whitney Cummings you're like oh my god what are we doing but you're not doing so shabby yourself my friend you live in Greenwich Village but this is my point you say that and then I come out here and I go this ain't shabby this I'm shabby my apartment with the with the

fat cat and the handicapped girl that it that doesn't cut it out here they'd be like oh boy you gotta you gotta live your life man you gotta have some confidence and believe in yourself and buy a fucking apartment building with some space you loser well there's a little bit of both because certainly my lack of confidence in security we talked about it I think last week about the filmmaking because that's all I ever wanted to do but I was like I can't do that who am I kidding I'm a piece of shit and I should there we go that's what I'm trying to tap into their sloppy jalopy yeah so I think that's a part of

it but I guess I'm also just protective of well-being and feelings and spiritual things because I don't want to take from all we've accomplished which is quite a bit and more successful than most people that attempt to do comedy it's like West Point most people that attempt to do comedy aren't even doing comedy anymore so we graduated top of our class if you will as far as the analogy but some people that went to West Point or fucking president United States some people that fucking dropped out of West Point or president United States but if that's a good if that's an analogy that makes any sense I don't

know what I get it and I'm with you but I will say I came out here and it made me realize that I'm not this kind of guy I mean I did one pod and the person who ran it handed me like 19 pills was like try these you're gonna love them and I'm like whoa you're a you're a rich millionaire success story you're you're miserable you're an inch away from killing yourself anytime a mosquito queefs but I think we're kind of happier out in the shitbox is in the freezing cold scary Jew filled New York yeah well happiness has got to be number one it's just got to be the most important thing but hey I was with the

view wouldn't hurt I mean it's like I've always said money can't buy happiness but if you're already happy money's pretty sweet oh hey is that yours that's mine that's mine I was 15 I love it I love it right that on a t-shirt a bumper sticker and a pedophile because you got something there it's not bad I mean you know I mean I've said this before I've always like if I could just make as much money as you know my my parents I'll be fine and happy because I'm doing comedy and then I go on tour with Louie back in the olden days and you're on a private jet and you just get on the plane leave whatever you feel

like it and then you stay far five-star hotel and eat a $300 stake for lunch you go as this is better this is pretty good it's pretty good yeah it's it's it's not too shabby by the way I did Marin as well and he says hello and he brought he brought your name up 38 times and he is he seems normal to me like some of these people out there I'm not gonna say names you're like oh you're tapped and you're you you've gone off the deep end where you're just in a robe in your house with the lights off drinking wine and throwing and like shooting a gun at the TV like Elvis but Marin is he's got a cool house in a cool neighborhood and he's got a

good head on his shoulders and it was a fun listen so give that a whirl folks I can't wait I don't listen to podcast very often but I'll listen to that one for sure but the thing with Marin is first of all I'm jealous cuz I had to do it over Zoom I wanted to be in that house with the before and after chatter just seems so nice yeah it was great but he's on the other side of that hill he was already he was that crazy person before with the pills and I gotta be successful and about the ocean so now he's in that old wise man who's yeah been all that that's not what happiness is happiness is four cats in a nice conversation yes you know

the problem I'm having is I have that at the age of fucking 26 right right well I I've always heard he had a huge dong from a couple of ladies and I told him that I've never seen a man more touched oh wow yeah so that was fun and you know what else is fun and I'm not I can't get away names but every podcast I did every single one right when the microphones turned off each one of them shit on a different person oh I bet it's fun it's fun and it's like hey we were performing a little there now we can finally talk yeah that's what's hard I mean that's what we'll probably do when we end this podcast yeah it's true it's true and

everybody you could be a zillionaire with a with a 10 inch pipe and a convertible and they're still there were they're working about somebody yeah exactly of course it never that part never goes away I guess but you got to work on it so you can die happily or whatever yeah yeah so I'm in Tacoma this weekend I'm looking for I've packed these days so much with nonsense and meeting agents and managers and all this shit and driving on the 405 you're off your GPS you got up on a side straight you're freaking out there's a black kid being shot in Crenshaw you don't know what's going on I can't wait to get to Tacoma

and just zone out and do some comedy wait when do you fly to Tacoma what day tomorrow me too shot at Tacoma but only for a minute I'm on my way to Oregon to surprise Derek for his 40th whoa which I can finally say because it doesn't come out to this doesn't come out until after I'm already there you're not going to Seattle I guess it's C-Tac it's C-Tac Airport and then we're driving south so what time do you get in oh it's a great question I'll tell you right now I'm on a fat Delta I want a Delta I get it 530 I'll be long gone I get it to 30 we're having lunch with a friend to Sarah so I probably wouldn't have been able to see

anyways it's also funny because you're like we got to meet up and I'm like I'll just see you Monday or whatever in the city we live in together how funny we're both flying to the same airport in the same day completely unassociated that is cuckoo bananas and you're on Delta I assume I'm Delta all the way I would never fly I wouldn't be cut dead on anything but Delta 911 but yeah that is crazy a lot of Delta a lot of Seattle a lot of Tacoma Tuesdays I gotta tell you it's a huge relief saying this because I've been keeping this a secret I'm going to surprise my buddy his wife rented a house and and as the time of

recording this two days from now is the reveal and I've been like lying to him and he's like I'm going here and I'm like oh my god it's gonna be crazy he's like I wish you were coming I'm like me too and his wife is lying and we're just trying to get I'm texting his wife all the time I had to come up with a reason while I'm texting his wife I'm like my wife's pussy exploded can I talk to your wife about it and so you know we're having all these texts and you know he's like it's so hard for her to not be like yeah I talked to him today he's like why did you talk to her you know John he's calling me about

anxiety whatever the fuck there's all these lies and deceit going on just to surprise the son of a bitch and I'm sitting on it but his mother is coming on the trip to us so she's already out there so he says hey should I get vaccinated before we all get together she goes I don't know is Joe vaccinated and he's like oh he's like is Joe vaccinated she's like did I say Joe I don't know why I was thinking about it because with it but she was quick she was like we were talking about him earlier that's why I said his name ah the old bags got dementia she's gonna blow it all these dumb old cunts they

blow everything she's got a touch of the Biden she's all sleepy and stupid luckily you know Derek's a little retarded and so I think he doesn't know but it's all very exciting and I've never pulled off a surprise before other than when I revealed I had a dick you're not great with conceit which I guess is a compliment it's like a flaw in you but also a good quality I'm bad with it I like I like an open book I everyone knows what's going on in my in my tits in my head inside my asshole yes you're an open casket and but oh but I what I wanted to say was we were talking about Salicus he has followed me to every

single podcast and of course you get there and you go hey I got this weird troll with me I'm sorry now you're fine you're fine and people get it now the content you know you got to film everything got a photograph everything so he's been a fly on the wall and he's had a great time and we did Corolla we both listen to Corolla we went to his car museum with him and shit on a bunch of other comics and it was it's been a real treat oh that's fine now he's a good guy and I appreciate him taking me around and show me how to photograph and almost getting me killed and then raped by an old lady who I don't know what her

ethnicity is matter doesn't matter you want to know what slur to say when the time comes but also all the Salicus footage he we're gonna put on the patreon so that's more quality horseshit that you should be seeing and you're missing out great all right I can't wait and none of the trip with Derek will be on the patreon but we'll record some more stuff ASAP as soon as we're back and now I can't wait to do another one of these hot gay sets oh my god I know Chuck is killing it on the anals and jizzes and boy there's some fun stuff on there you're not doing any shows out there and the Pacific Northwest

no no shows just no call no show just showing up to Seattle driving to Bend Oregon and spending the week out there and then coming back and it's all very exciting very exciting and hey let's let's get a live up cooking at some point because the world is the assholes opening and let's let's gape it and put our tongue in it yeah absolutely we gotta do a live up it'll probably be at the fat plaque or the village underground probably village underground soon and then we'll we'll document that and that'll be content plus the up itself will be content so it has never been a better time to join the patreon I've

been saying this for six months but this time we actually mean it yes now we got to wrap this up but you have you said you had a couple do you have a quickie you can just shove right in my dick hole oh I got this I mean I got to say this neighborhood you're living in is just insane wait should I talk about the neighborhood I should talk about this other thing I had happened whatever's juicier I got to but last night I go to the cellar so Steve and Caitlin have moved in last night was the first night I got two of our buddies living right next door to us which I'm a little nervous about because we scream

the n-word in our sleep but but so they moved in and Caitlin is at the cellar Caitlin Palufo so I said you take the train I'll drive because she had an earlier she was hosting a Gotham but had a late spot we had spots around the same time I said you take the train I'll drive I'll drive us back so she says oh great that sounds like fun so then she goes out ahead of me she's working I ring the doorbell with Steve I never run a doorbell a surprise visit I ring his doorbell he's naked dragging his huge cock around and I said hey throw some pants on come to the cellar and he goes all I should be hanging out there you

know one of these guys that thinks hanging out is gonna help throws his pants and shoes on he comes out he's out a minute later we jump in the car and I go I gotta say man the village is is spooky now it's getting weird and he's like is it yeah I mean you live there I haven't been there in six months I've been off on this fucking wagon trail out in the east of the west well it's just more and more homeless yeah just drug people I mean street people I mean there was a guy laying on his back arms and feet in the air like a dead dog going oh god help me help me like this crazy shit and everyone's like stepping around them

and stuff was it Ian finance don't think so different tone so I'm driving I go to park and I got the reverse lights on I'm getting ready to park and this car comes speeding up like right behind me so I can't parallel yeah I did like a little bit of like one of the like what are you doing and as I do this this guy is walking by and he must have thought it was to him and he just goes bangs the trunk of my car like smacks it's so hard and I'm with Steve Rogers he's the only guy's a bigger pussy than me he's like whoa and I go I just slammed it in and drive so fast it was like like I skid it out and just took off like a maniac

wow like through a red light I'm such a cunt pussy piece of shit cuz the guy just took a slap of the trunk and I'm like we gotta get out of here we took off but you could have run him over he doesn't doesn't even realize you're driving a six thousand pound weapon two thousand yeah I don't know what it weighs but I don't know my mother ways but we just took off but it was scary shit but it ended up being fine of course but look out in New York the West Village right now feels like 80s New York movies were like the movie we checks in the hotel and there's like gunshots and crazy shit yes oh god that's my name I my

ladies out there with her rascal scooter and whatnot so I gotta I gotta tell her to cool it with the blackface yeah no she's a she's a goner but what can you do but it was a fun night but you know I walk off at the VU Caitlin walks off stage we jumped in the car we have a million laps drive back it's fun to have neighbors that you like oh that's very exciting again it feels again it feels very family community neighborhood-y vibe I like that too but then you don't want to you know sometimes you want to be alone let's be honest absolutely I said that I was like I said a bad president ringing the doorbell if

one of you rings the doorbell I'll ban you from every club in the city but at least you keep it honest that's the key communication folks yeah just text but anyways that's all I got I got another thing but I'll tease it crazy story tease alright oh I almost read the ad sorry yes thank you folks we're back we're back on the road the patreon is just on fire right now so get on there and show us your dicks and tell a friend queef it up I'm on the road all day long market home and comedy dot com check it out new dates new gigs get a ticket before they go what do you got fatty I gotta plug this I keep forgetting to plug it I'm at

Mohegan son comics at Mohegan son May 20th through the 22nd Matt Wayne's coming along it's gonna be a fun weekend I've been putting it on I keep rescheduling because it got canceled from COVID years ago so I'm excited that's in a couple weeks and of course the Paramount Theatre May 15th doing Rogan gonna be in Austin for the week I'll probably pop in a creek in the cave but Paramount Theatre get your goddamn tickets to that and then the following week at Mohegan son and I'm coming to Kansas City and Des Moines in June nice whole bunch of fun shit coming up and maybe some other big things cooking to

who knows oh baby boy with you doing the bit the bald-headed rogue and me doing this cluster out here we got a nice little pot brewing of pod love forget about it we got a basically a fucking TV show on the patreon right now so yes over there that too I might become a member all right well thanks guys tell a friend queef it up raise our law and blow your uncle music you