Tuesdays with Stories! - #400 The Woo Woo

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

It's yet another kooky Tuesdays as Joe has a difficult time completing a cross country surprise party while Mark stresses about parking a rental car before having an awkward pat down before a flight. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), BLUBlox (blublox.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays), & Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey everybody, this week's Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Blue Blocks. That's right, this is a great new sponsor. We are thrilled about Blue Blocks. You got your Blue Blocks on? I couldn't find them, but I love them. I'm a big fan. I think they're in my suitcase. They blocked the sun. They blocked the computer screen. That blue light. They block it. Yeah, they block it. My wife got a pair. They sent me a pair. I gave it to my wife and we're making love with them on. She uses them in the computer because she's on the computer all the ding-dong day. She loves them. She looks hot in them. First up, the sleep plus. You got to get the sleep plus. Get yourself some real red lenses for true blue and green light blocking. Use after

sundown, folks. It's like a vampire glasses. If you have trouble sleeping or get anxious at night, these are for you. We both got that going on. We got some of those. We got the clear blue light. That's to protect your eyes from getting headaches and eye strain when you're looking at your computer all day, all night, looking at Twitter, Instagram, the whole thing. I love them. I mean, they sent us a couple pairs. Like I said, I use it. My wife and I share a pair. I just love it. It really protects your eyes. What's more important than your vision? I mean, come on. What could be more important? I just heard your cat for the first time ever. I don't know if somebody... Stubbed its toe. Oh, all right. Well, the worst is over, kitty cat. Yeah, like the neutering. But anyways,

hit pause. That was a cat pun. That stinks. Go to BlueBlocks. I thought it was perfect. BlueBlocks.com. I think is the thing. BlueBlocks.com. You're going to use promo code Tuesdays. Tell them how to do all the stuff. Get on it, folks. I got a pair of Clark Summer Glow. You got the Wayfairs. We look cool. We look snazzy and they help your eyeballs support BlueBlocks because they support Tuesdays with stories. Get 20% off with code Tuesdays at BlueBlocks.com slash Tuesdays. That's B-L-U-B-L-O-X.com slash Tuesdays for 20% off. BlueBlocks.com slash Tuesdays and use code Tuesdays for 20% off. Get on it. Tell them Mark and Joe sent you. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays.

Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's shits on the sandbox. Hey folks, here we are. It's Tuesday. Good to have you. Good to smell you. Good to fuck you. Yeah, we're back. And we got Chuck is here. Chuck Knoblock is up here. He doesn't have the yips anymore, folks. We got three cameras and two lights. And I can barely see you because there's so much light and camera and Chuck's dick is out. I know. It's like a gay porn or a child pornography shoot. Chuck really knows how to set up these. Look, they're

all at dick level and everything. He really not a set up a shoot there, Fetty. Yeah. Chuck fit. And right on time. We're only 100 minutes late. So that's good. Thanks, Chuck D. But good to have you. You're a great part of the team. And hey, here comes the old lioness. Hey, good idea. Get that liquid depth out of here. That puzzle steal your liquid. He likes it wet. Yeah. I'm drinking some liquid death courtesy of the Omaha funny bone, one of the best clubs in the world. And they got this liquid death, mountain water. They sent me three cases of it. And I love it because you know me. I'm a sober asshole. Yeah. So I feel like I'm pounding cock over here. Yeah. You look like a big booze bag. You know what you should do is get a brown paper bag on that puppy just to

really bring it home. Well, ain't it be fun to have the cops come up and throw me on the ground and piss in my mouth and just say, Hey, it's out water, you son of a bitch. Black lives matter. Take it, Chauvin. Yeah. Bad guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Seems like a jerk. The irony is that he did the kneeling like capper dick. But yeah, wow, the cat is up at Adam. Look at this. Well, they can't see. I feel guilty. The cat's trying to jump out the window. It hates itself. Well, Chuck's got nine cameras over there, but he's texting his mother on father's day. I mean, the cat just went on his hinds and it's four and a half feet long. Hinds catch up. Get up on the thing again. Yeah. That's a big cat. It's a big bitch. And I think he's got some, he's in heat as they say. Oh, is that right?

Something's going on. You might have to put a Gallagher bag on your leg as he might squirt on it. Wow. Who in this house doesn't have heat? You know what I mean? I mean, you're blowing up. Your wife is doing well. The cat's standing on its hind legs. I mean, this is a hot house here. I'm glad summer's coming because we didn't have heat this winter. So thank God it's not cold out anymore, but it's good to see you. I mean, this cat is 11 and a half feet long between the tail and the hind legs stretch. Oh yeah, it's huge. That cat could take down a gazelle. This is the squirreliest I've ever seen it, by the way. Look at it. It's losing its shit. I think he sees a Puerto Rican or a bird. Something's going on. I think there's a BLM march going on because it's

on a swivel over there. Oh yeah. He's on edge. He's transphobic. It's a whole thing, but either way, I feel bad. We're talking about the cat. They can't even see it. No, they know about the cat. Oh, you got the cat. Okay. Okay. Juck's getting involved. I mean, I think it's fine, but the cat will walk by at some point. It went by a second ago. Some people don't even watch the video. True. True. I forget this. Those weirdos out there just do the audio on the commute to the slaughterhouse or whatever they work at. I think that the cat's shit smells, or the mic smells. Something smells. Cat's shit. He's got some rough shit. I mean, look at the size of him. He shits out a fucking surfboard. What am I smelling? Seriously? That's

cat shit, right? It's gotta be cat shit. It's really bad. Yeah, I'm used to it by now, but it's a honker. I'll tell you that. We might have to pause or something. Pause. This is insane. Yeah. Well, we got, we got a, we got a shoot here. Let's we do a chuck hold porn, set up this whole thing. I feel like we should keep rolling here. All right. Let's keep rolling, but like I genuinely might throw up. Yeah. That is a doozy. Holy hell. It feels, I can't see it, but it feels like, like orangey brown and wet. Like one of those like mushy shit, which by the way, I noticed this earlier today. You know, if you have a dog in New York or anywhere, I guess you got to pick up the shit. And I saw a guy with like a German shepherd. Oh yeah. Is it shepherd or shepherd?

Purred. Purred? Yeah. It was a pH. You're thinking of chef. Well, but I mean, I know what a chef is. He cooks cats in Korea, but he got that right. But a German shepherd. Isn't it shepherd? It is. I guess when you say it fast, it's shepherd. Yeah. The H is silent. So it's not shepherd. Oh, it's hitting the camera. Oh God. It's batting at the microphone. This cat's angry and violent. Something's going on here. But anyways, I saw this German shepherd take it. I mean, the sound is going to be all fucked up. You got to film that. The cat is gnawing at the microphone. I mean, it's, this is trouble. It's going to take that wire down with him because his cat weighs 16 pounds. You think after a big shit, the cat would be like at its best? Oh no,

he's frisky right now. He's got the shit out of him. He's ready to rock and roll. Watch it, cat. Oh my God. That was terrifying. I thought it was going to take the whole light rig down. I genuinely might throw up. This is like really a bad, it's a problem. Shit. That's quite a boom, boom. I feel like it didn't, oh, it's behind my mask. I can't have its asshole near my mask. No, no, you don't want that. Let me just get a, there we go. Now you got your dirty foot on it. I don't, I'd take a dirty foot over a dirty asshole. Sure. Anyways, the German shepherd, it took like the mushiest shit. Yeah. And all I could think is the guy had to immediately take the little plastic bag and pick up the mushy shit. Yeah. Oh my God. His cat is obsessed with

you. It's butthole so close. Oh no, it's really eating my mask now. All right. Take the mask, put it under the pillow. It's on my tea. It's on my tea. It's got to sniff everything I guess. You got to lock this thing up. I mean, I can't live my life like this. I mean, pretend it's a immigrant child. Oh, he took the mask downtown. He's taking it to the lair. He better grab that mask. That's my only mask. I'll get your mask. I feel bad. The cat's anti-masker. Don't mask, don't tell. I mean, this is like, this is, this is horrible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, oh boy, we're getting off to a hell of a start. We got a six foot Tigris. We got a dookie in the, in the box over there. I left my tea bags. I forgot to take my tea bags out so my tea tastes like the cat's ass. Oh yeah.

Everything's going wrong here. Yeah. You know what else is weird about cat shit is it turns white if you leave it out. It's like a black neighborhood. You know, it eventually goes gentrified. It's so weird how it turns white. Interesting. Well, speaking of turning white, I got, I got to just knock out my ailments right now so everybody knows the plan. I should be on the DL right now, but oh, shit. I hit it and it's upset. I tried to chew it off. Oh, he doesn't like boy, everything you do. That's a menthol wrapper. Okay. What did the cat get into? I think he's some catnip. Please eat the menthol wrapper. What the hell is going on? I've never seen the cat like this. I'm nervous. What if he attacks? He's never attacked. I know, but he's never acted like this

either. That's true. He's batting around. I think he's ready to play time. He's a little frisky. He's pent up. Oh, I'm so nervous. Oh, so I got, speaking of turning white, I got, I showed it to you off air, but I got a nasty canker backside under my tongue on top of a sharp molar. So my molars scraping it. So then I bought some Dick Embersol. What's this called? A brieva and basalt, maximum strength. Can we, can we get a shot of that? I like having a camera guy just so we can say, can we get a shot of this? Yeah, that is fun. It's fun. Are we getting this? I've never, I've had cankers my whole life. I've never put an ointment on it. Put a dam on. The kids will love it. All right. It numbs you up. It's, it's quite effective, but you get some on your lips and in

your, your dick. Careful. Did you open the cap already? Cause it leaks out. That gets in your eye. Forget about it. Oh man, I'll go Ray Charles on your ass. You'll be a pirate. Put a little, put a little on the lip and see how you feel. All right. All right. A pea size. I mean, this shit is no joke. Is that too much? No, that's good. Is this herpy? No, it's anesthesia. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, I know her. She's a black chick. It's going to anesthetize you. I mean, that lip is going to be, forget about it. Maybe I'll go tongue then. I want my lip. Go lip and tongue. Yeah, that's going to be something. I just put it on the backside of my ass and my canker. Hold on. Let's see what happens here. Oh, that's cruelty. You're going to get

a call. People will go, hey, that's no good. I like a dumb pussy. All right. Tell me how you feel. You're going to notice that. Man, that works quick. It works fast. It's like being at the dentist. I can't talk anymore. It's, it's bad news bears, but I got it on the backside of my tongue, but I got a canker. I mean, this thing won't heal because I was on vacation that catch it as atrocious. I was on vacay and I kept eating tacos and marinara and DiGiorno pizza. Yeah. So my reflux has never been worse. I got a canker on fire and all of a sudden I have allergies for the first time in my whole life. Yeah. Yeah. You're in a bad way right now. Fatty. I'm dying and the house smells like cat shit. The cat's scratching me and how's your lips?

Cat scratch. I'm bad. I sound like a special needs Asian kid. I can't get my tongue to work, but this stuff is, this is like quick act and tenacting. This stuff gets the job done. Oh yeah. Special Olympics. Baby, that's the cool thing about cats. They never get offended. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, they're cool cats, but I guess I don't like this one bit. It's weird, right? Yeah. It fades quick. Oh, does it? Yeah. I already feel my canker again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm putting saltwater rinse. I'm doing listerine. I'm doing, what's it called, peroxide. Oh man. But it's on that molar. So it's like if you had a cut on

your asshole and then you just kept rubbing a sharp tooth on it. It doesn't heal. Right. Right. Yeah. Those cankers just got to let it happen. I don't know if this, this will help your pain, but the peroxide, I think it's got to do its course. Well, I heard you got to keep it as clean as possible. It's like a set for college kids. You got to really clean it up. So I've been doing that, but the numbness is good for the podcast at least. Yes. Yes. It numbs the pain a bit, but anyways, I feel like we got to straighten out this ship and start correcting course. We're all over the road here. We're over correcting and I got to wipe this shit off, but yeah, crazy. I just got back from Baltimore today. So much to talk about. So much has happened.

You've been in the Pacific Northwest and some comedy shows and I've been all over the road selling merch and I got some stories. Yeah. I'm excited to hear your stories because I got, I got a couple of things, but you know, I have this thing where I was on vacation and I talk about this all the time. It's hard because you're like, I went on vacation and it was wonderful. I know. I know. It's tough. But a couple things. I mean, I teased it last week. We had to go and surprise Derek. That was the big thing. My best buddy, Derek, turned 40. We're getting old. Doesn't it feel, you feel old now? It's weird. It just comes right. You can't stop it. It just keeps coming. Then you go, oh, that was five years ago. Michael Jackson died. When? How old's

uh, Alanis Morissette? You know, we're kicking the bucket soon. It's weird because I'm at this age now where I look back on things and then you remember the age that people were because everybody seemed 85 when you were young. Like I remember, I'd come down to New York. I'm looking back at all these comics like Paul Nardizzi and like Don Gavin. I'm like, wait, so Nardizzi was like 30 years old and Don Gavin was like 46. That's crazy. When I met him, I thought he was 75. I thought Nardizzi was 50. I thought, you know, Kevin Knox was gay. There's all these weird things and you look back and you're like, oh, I'm older than those guys. Yes. Exactly. I mean, was that you who told me that the nineties now are what the sixties were to the nineties? Yes.

Isn't that bananas? It's crazy. And somebody just said another thing like, I mean, back to the future if you went back to the same year. Yeah. Yeah. They went back to 1955, which is 30 years. So if you made that movie now, they would be going back to 1991. Oh my God. I was in, you know, fourth, fifth grade. It's so weird. Yeah. Like I would be at Silence of the Lambs. Is that the movie theater? Right. It's weird. No phones, no internet. What are you, a scientist? There's another movie. I think it's like Hot Tub Time Machine. Yeah, I've seen it. If they did that movie now, they'd be going back to like 2004. Yeah. It's all wacky and I can't figure out everybody ages now. So anyways, it's not fun and it's going to happen to you and you don't think it will,

but it will and it goes by quick folks. So live it up. Go gay and fuck your dad. I just hope I can be one of these guys that's 105 years old, you know? I'm not into that. Give me 88. I'll be happy. 105. You got your mom or your son wiping your ass and you're yelling at clouds and eating porridge. Well, I mean, Chuck Finn was just talking about his grandpa is 96 and he plays, you know, tennis and fucks bitches. No. Well, I made up the part about the bitches and the tennis, but the rest is true. All right. He walks around. He does stuff, I guess, but he's with it. Yeah, he can, you know, he can play checkers or whatever. Okay, that's something. I like checkers. Way better than chess. Chess is stupid. It's too much. It's with the, the Romans played it. All

right. It's too much pressure. It's gay. Come on, a rook, a bishop. What's a rook? What the hell's a bishop? There's a rookie card. Sure. Sure. There's a hook. Rook. Rooker by crook. I like that movie hook. Great movie. Spielberg, Run Home Jack. That was fun. Yeah, that was early 90s. I remember I rented that from Blockbuster. Oh, I went to the last Blockbuster. Oh, wow. I used to work at Blockbuster. No kidding. I didn't know that. Oh, really? Yeah, I never heard that. Not a great gig. I was like, I love movies. It'll be so fun. You're basically working in a library because that fucking drop box opens up and all these movies pour in. You're like, ah, you just got alphabetized. All day is alphabetizing. Yeah, I did that at FYE for your entertainment,

record store there. And it was the same thing. Alphabetize this and alphabetize that and you stack the CD. And it's exciting. It is inspiring because you see all these movies that you want, like, oh, I want to be in movies. Yes. You don't do anything because you're a lazy alcoholic. And then you end up just podcasting for a living 40 years later. No, they're all with us. Yeah, it's not bad. Join the Patreon. We love you. Yes. Join the Patreon. By the way, we're doing another hot gay set tonight. We're filming it. We're going set hopping and Chuck's going to follow us around and shoot us and then shoot himself. I can't wait. This is going to be amazing. What's got the stickers? Oh, I should have shown off. Oh, yeah. Is that one?

Pull up that sticker. That's an empty sticker. Hold on. I got a sticker here. Look at this. Don't piss off the cat. This is my date book. I go old school. Look at that sticker. Can we get a close up of that? Can we get a shot in there? That's exciting. That's really fun. And here's the dick. There's my head shot right there. There you go. And there it is. There's a dick and then upside down. It looks like a cat. You see that? No. They don't see it. Look at the ears. Oh, yeah. It's a cat with a dick. Look at that. That's a big cat dick. What do you think of that there? That's pretty good. What's your cat's name? I don't know. Greg. Oh, yeah. All right. Good egg. Greg Allman. But yeah. Anyways. Yeah. So a lot cooking. I want to hear about the last blockbuster.

Is it just fun now? It's just a kitschy thing. No one's actually like, we got to go to blockbuster and get some VHSs. It's just whatever. I didn't see the movie. So you probably know more about it than I do. I didn't see the movie either. Oh, everyone thinks the movie's amazing. I got to watch it, whatever. But so everyone else knows more about it. I just went there. It just looks like a blockbuster. It's fun. Yeah. And I bought this. They sell movie poster puzzles. It's a puzzle of the movie poster and it comes in like a VHS, like an old school plastic VHS. And I bought one. They had Clueless. So I bought that and then we left it in the rental car. Don't you hate that I left my sunglasses on the Amtrak. I want to go

myself. Not the blue blocks. No, those are great. Those are in a case in the safety deposit box. But I got my, I have these great sunglasses. I lost them. I hate just the idea of you make a mistake. You never see them again. I got to spend a hundred bucks. It's brutal. I wish that we could somehow capture the smell of this department right now and put it on the Patreon. It's pretty bananas. This cat can shit out a goose. Really bad. But so I went out there. Surprise and Derek is 40th birthday, fly to Seattle, rent a car, a little Chevy Spark. Then we drive down to Woodland, Washington, right on the border of Oregon or near the border, whatever, on some little river, get a motel. It's exciting. And then the next day, so you have all this anticipation. So you're in

Seattle and you're like, I usually go to Derek's house. There's all this nervousness. I'm texting with his wife. His wife changed my name and her phone. Wow. To her sister's name. Oh, that's kind of sexy. So there's like all these texts coming up because it comes up. It's hooked up to her car. Right. So all day it's like, it's like alley text, alley tech. And he's like, what's going on with your sister? And she's like giggling like, I don't know. I think she's breaking up with her husband. He's like, Oh, that's crazy. And it just keep being more and more texts. And of course she's like, why is your sister sending pictures of Joe's dick? This is weird. And you're not a liar. This must have been a little challenging for you. Extremely challenging. It was the

Challenger explosion because I keep talking to him and I have to go. Yeah. No, I can't wait. And I keep coming so close because his mother was going to be there. We're sharing house with his mom and which is also kind of hot. Yeah. I'm looking back. I'm like, we went to the beach together one time and looking back, she's like, probably was 40. So back then I was like, ah, there's some old bitch with us. Sure. Looking back, I'm like, she's like younger than my wife is now. Isn't that weird? That's crazy. Yeah. It's all backwards. But so I was excited that and he calls me. He's like, yeah, it's crazy. My mother's staying with me. She's got night terrors. She screams sometimes in her sleep. Oh my God. And so I'm like, I have to share a house with this prep. But

as I'm about to say it, I'm like, I can't believe I have to, I have to, I have to go. I gotta, I gotta call you later. Oh, he's like, what? And I'm like, nothing. I'll see you later. So I had a bunch of moments like that. I see. So then I got hit with this. What do you think about this? The night before Sarah's best friend lives up there with meet up with her. We're walking around the beach in Tacoma. There's beautiful parts of Tacoma. Did you know that? I like Tacoma. Tacoma's nice. Mount Rainier just stares at you like an old creepy man. Crystal clear day. I've never seen it so clear. We were in Brown's Point, which sounds like the tip of my dick. Sure. Gorgeous neighborhood. We're walking around and I got hit with this guilt. Tell me if you feel me on this.

I'm sitting there and I, I have the worst guilt because I'm like, we flew in here to surprise him and I started to feel like, who am I to surprise somebody? I'm the surprise. I'm the birthday gift. Happy birthday. It's me. Yeah. What are you going to jump out of a cake with panties on? It's not the same. Well, plus he's expecting vacation A. He's like, all right, this is nice. I got my kids, my wife, my mom. I'm going to lay low and he's got a big work thing going on. He's about to move. So in my mind, I'm picturing going surprise and he's like, oh, hey, I have no question that he loves me. He loves me. I love him. We have a good time. But all of a sudden it's, you know, you're preparing for one thing and maybe I'm projecting. I don't want a surprise party.

It's a lot on you. You got to bring it. Oh my God. Oh, this is great. They did all that work. What if you're not into it? Exactly that. And I have separate me's. I got the family me. I wear sweatpants and I jerk off in my dad's face. And then I got to hang out with you where it's Seinfeld references and we're talking about, you know, cancel culture and we kiss on the lips and we check out ladies. But so he's prepping for hanging out with mom and kids hang. Yeah. And now all of a sudden he's got to deal with saying the N word and going hiking hang. You know what I mean? Yeah. Worlds are colliding. You can't have N word with mom. Well, she's from Boston. Yeah. I don't know. Paula Dean's a mom. So who knows? So I just had this guilt of like,

what if I'm ruining his trip? What if he's like, all right, I guess that's exciting. And then I have this feeling of like, isn't this just for us? His wife and I, like we feel good. We're excited. We're whispering. We're actually robbing him of joy. Interesting. Because for the last three months he could have been like, Oh nice. At least I'll get to see Joe and Sarah. I'll have a good time. So we're robbing him of the fun anticipation. Yes. And we're like, isn't it great? We planned this thing behind your back. Yes. Yes. This is for you. It feels like it's for us. And I'm like, oh, and then I almost, I almost just blew it on purpose and acted like it was an accident. So there was less pressure. Yes. Because I felt bad. I wanted to be like, Hey,

just so you know, you're going to see us tomorrow. We're going to be there. But then I had this thought. I'm still thinking about me. I'm making it about me before it was about him. I'm like, what about his wife who this is her big birthday gift? This is her surprise. She came up with this idea. She flew. I paid for myself, but she said, you can come out here. So this is her birthday present is I brought in your best friend to be here with you on your birthday and she's excited. So I'm like, what am I doing? I'm ruining her thing. Even if it's about her. All right. Well, it's about her. Yes. You're the good guy. You're the gift. I'm the gift. So I felt all this stress. I was coming apart and then it's finally time. So her and I have been planning this for months.

She's lying. I'm lying. The mother knows his daughter knows who's like my niece. She's eight, but she's old enough now that she's like, she's excited to be in on the secret. I don't know. I don't trust these kids. Well, it's hard to trust a kid, but they ran it on Fogle. I gotta say, I remember being a kid and I remember my dad's 30th birthday. How weird is that? Jesus Christ. My dad's ever celebrated a birthday in his life. I've never seen him look at a cake. Well, they had a big surprise birthday party for him and I was with them and everyone jumped out and yelled surprise. And I remember being like, you didn't tell me? What is this? They didn't tell you? No. Well, I was like six, but I was her. I guess I was seven, but I was like her

because I was like, oh, they kept it from me. I'm an asshole. So they told the eight-year-old. They didn't tell the four-year-old. Little Joe. I know it's sweet, but that's nice. So it comes time for the day. I'm all, all day. I'm nervous. I'm shaking. I'm excited. I'm gay. Her and I are texting and then I'm like, I think he knows because he was talking to his mother and he was like, should I get vaccinated? And I think I haven't told this in the last week's episode or maybe the Patreon, but he's like, should I get vaccinated? She's like, well, is Joe and Sarah vaccinated? And he was like, what? Oh, the old bag's going to blow it. Yeah. He was like, I don't know. And she's like, oh, I don't know. I was thinking about them for some reason, but he's an idiot. So he

was like, oh, all right, whatever. So I was like, I think he knows. And then we were driving down that day and his wife texted me. She's like, he does not know. I'll tell you that right now. There's no way he knows. I can tell by the way he's talking. Everyone's excited. So then how is the reaction? I'm dying. Well, we get there about four hours early because we flew in a day early, drove halfway. Okay. So we get down there earlier. It takes them seven hours because they're driving from Seattle to Bend. It's a long ride. And then that's the other thing I'm worried about. I'm like, he's in the car ride for seven hours with an eight-year-old, a four-year-old, his mother and his wife. He might be homicidal by the time he gets here. That's the seventh circle of hell.

Brutal. So he's driving down. So we're supposed to get the pizza. His wife says, I ordered pizza online. It's going to be delivered. So when we get there, there'll be pizza arriving. Okay. So we go and order the pizza in person. That's lunch. It's a ton of pizzas, 48 wings, six salads. Never got the money for it, by the way. It was about 300 bucks. Jesus. That's another gift. I know. It's crazy. I got the receipt. So we sit there. The food's taken forever. She's like, okay, we just arrived. We're in the house. I'm like, all right, we're waiting on the pizza, which is like two minutes away. So we're getting nervous. And she's like, how close is the pizza? What's going on? I'm like, just shut up, you fucking piece of shit. I'm getting the pizza.

The pizza's not ready. Pizza's coming. Relax, whore. I'll be over there. So we're texting and then all of a sudden she goes, he's leaving. He's leaving all caps. He's going to the store. I'm like, go to the store. What's at the store? He wants to get beer for his pizza, which is understandable. What is he moving furniture? Well, she's like, what? You can't leave right now or pizza's about to come. He's like, I know I want beer with my pizza. Makes sense. So she's like, how do you get it after? And he's like, why would I get it after? Oh, she's going to ruin it. I want pizza with the beer. So his mother goes with them to try to, you know, distract them. Oh, she can't act. Everybody knows that. Well, the pizza place

is right across in the supermarket. So we're waiting outside the pizza because it's curbside pickup because of COVID. Yeah. So we're sitting out there and Sarah's like, is that him? Is that him? And I'm like, now I'm on the phone with his wife and my niece and nephew and my nephew doesn't know what's going on. He's like, it's Uncle Joe. Hey, Uncle Joe. And I'm like, shut up, you little piece of shit. We got a kid. And so the daughter is going, hey, why don't you come over here and hide behind the counter and like, this is the plan. We're sticking to the plan. We're all fighting. Oh my God. This is a nightmare. And I'm like, what's the car look like? And they're like, you know our car. It's a big white car. And then he tries by we look right at him. He's

looking at us. Sarah dies in the ground. I swear to God. She just jumped in the ground like a war. It started rolling. We put our masks on. I have a hat down, but I'm wearing that Iowa shirt with the birds. That's your shirt. Nobody's got the Iowa bird shirt. I got the Iowa bird shirt. Oh, God. Watch out for the Christ on Christmas. All right. Easily loves that tea. What do you got there? Black green? What's going on there? I left the bags in too long. He hates the bags. I think something's up with the bags. Bad bags. Look at these. It looks like a grandfather's eyebrows. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like a, what's his name? Nietzsche's mustache. Nietzsche. That's a poll. Thank you. I don't know where that came from. Oh my God. And then Christmas Christ. You can

hear somebody in the hallway. Hey, call the cat, would you? He's just roaming around, getting a feel for the joint. I gotta wrap this up because we're going too long. No, no. I want to hear what happened. Did she dove in the bushes? Did she fuck her in the ass? So Sarah dives in the ground. I do a quick flip turn rex. I got to hide the birds, but he was looking right over at us, but she's like, I think he saw me. I swear to God, he saw me, but I'm like, even if he saw us, he's not going to go. There's Joe and Sarah. He's going to be like, there's a, there's a nerd and a, and a hotter chick than he is. You know what I mean? I know. You're pretty distinct of the type two, the herb, the canker. It's obvious. I know, but if you're 20 feet tall, you're a giraffe. If

you're cruising by, if you're just cruising by and you're out in, I mean, we're in the woods of Oregon. We're in central Oregon. He's not hit. Wouldn't you just be like, ah, that looked like so and so. I can spot you from space, fatty. I mean, those choppers, the noggin, the glasses, the wacky shoes. Come on. It's a wrap. Well, you're hurting my feelings, but he didn't recognize us. Okay. He pulls into the supermarket. So now we're waiting for the pizza. He's across the street. We get the pizza. They go, order up. It's Joe. I go, give me the pizza, you dumb whore. We get the pizza. Curbside, like a prostitute. Then we get in the car. And by the way, everyone's looking at us because we're diving behind bushes. We're wearing masks. I got a fake hat on. I'm wearing an eyepatch.

My father's gay. He's got blackface. He's got camo on. What picked you behind a bush like the guy in platoon? It's complete insanity. So now we get in the car. Now this is fun. We both are wearing our masks. I have my hat pulled down because now we're staking out because we're like, all right, we'll watch the car go by. Once we see the car go by, we'll give it a beat and then we'll drive in behind him. And she's like, don't pull in behind him. Let him get in the house. Let him settle down. I would let him get in the house. So she says that. So now we're watching every car. I'm looking up the road going, is that them? Is this, and it's fun because I feel like fucking, you know, Johnny Utah and the other guy eating meatball subs and drinking lemonade. I'm so cold,

Johnny. That's the blood leaving your body. That was a good voice. I've never heard that voice. That was my Keanu. You're on today. Wow. Look at that. But anyways, so then I'm like, I don't know where they are. What kind of beer are they buying? They've been in there half five. The pizza is getting cold. By the way, we're all starving. None of us have eaten. The kids haven't eaten all day. They're fucking each other in the ass. I'm 69 with sour because I'm starving. So eat that box. Finally, I'm like, where are they? What the fuck? And I get a text. He's in the driveway. I'm like, what? We're staring at the parking lot. She's like, he must take in the back way. This is the back way. That's anal. He's showing his mother the anal way.

So now we're like, okay, he's home. We got the food. Let's go. So now I'm literally shaking. My heart is pounding. We've been building up for months. I'm afraid he's going to hate me. I'm afraid I'm gay. I'm afraid he never liked me to begin with. This is a lot. Yeah, for what? This is a big moment here. The lot is behind this. So I'm shaking. I pull in there. Now I'm trying to like hide the car. They're distracting him. This is like SEAL Team Six. It's crazy. So Sarah is like holding the pizza above her face. Like, you know, like Elaine trying to avoid Frank Costanza. Sure. So we walk in. I can drop you like a bag of dirt. We ring the doorbell. He opens the door and I go, pizza. Oh, that's great. So exciting,

but I'm so nervous. I'm not even enjoying it. And right away, he goes into straight shot because we're all like, he's going to cry. He's going to break down crying. Yeah. No cry. He just goes, what? Wow. We're here. Happy birthday. And then like his mom and wife and daughter all have like the camera going. And so now I just feel like a doofus because I'm like, I'm on camera. Yeah. Can we get that on the Patreon? Maybe. I'll get some clips. That would be bad. Love to see that non-reaction. So I go, happy birthday. And he really is like shocked. He's like, what? What? That was the whole reaction. So then I put the pizza in. I give him a hug. I say, I love you. Happy birthday. And he's like, this is insane. And it wasn't like a big like,

I want like a black funeral. Right. Like a, whoa, get the shit out of here. But he just went, oh my God. This is crazy. Yeah. And then little Joey, he doesn't know what's going on. He just goes, I guess Uncle Joe is here. So he goes, let me give you a tour of the house. So almost immediately I'm upstairs, you know, fucking his son going, oh, wow, there's a, there's a bed, there's a piano. Cause kids, they don't know any better. Like the kid has no concept of space. He doesn't know that we flew six hours and drove seven hours. He's just like, I guess he's here. Right. Let me show you the house. So within like 30 seconds of being there, I'm like upstairs, putting on socks and changing underwear. Sure. Sure. Um, but get out of those wet panties.

So he was excited. I think, I think he was excited. I think he had a good time. I don't know, but I was terrified, but he was like, I was shocked. That's great. You pulled off. Can I say this? I know you wanted the big to do. You wanted the black guys seeing magic. You know, they go nuts. They run around the block, but I think that's how you know that's a genuine friend. He's a real friend. You got a real reaction there. He didn't fake it and go, oh, like an orgasm with my girlfriend. You know, it was just, Hey, this is what's going on. You flew here. I like this reaction. I think it's more real. It was real. And also we explain the next day we were talking, we have a relationship where first of all, we talk all the time. So it's not like I haven't seen you in three years. We

got to catch up. We talk a lot. And also he's like, we just pick up. We're not those kind of some friends you have that you're like, what have you been up to? Who are you fucking? What's your life? How are your parents? Yeah, we're more like, we're in the same town and you just scoop it right up and you pick up where you left off. So he was kind of like, okay, great. That's a real pal there. You don't have to fake this. Oh, what do you, ovation or whatever you call it. Best pal. So it ended up being a great hang. And I got more stories, but I got, I got to kick it over, but man, it was a relief to finally be there. Have the lies done with. And he also was like, how did you get here? What are you, what is this? So that was,

it was, it was quite thrilling, quite exciting. I'm going to sneeze. I got allergies for the first time in my life. Sneeze it up there, sloppy jalopy. Let it out. Ooh, that's a dad sneeze. Jeez, Louise. God, that was a hot. Do you ever have that? My dad, if he sneezed, you could hear it in Kuwait. It was like, what are you doing? No one does that on the planet, but he's got to sneeze. I got one square to spare. My mother sneezes like that. What? I can do it. It goes, that's how it goes. At least it's kind of feminine at least. It's a high pitch. My dad, it's, it's like a roar. I hate it. That's how I just sneezed, I think. That's a what? That's how I just sneezed. Yeah, you got a dad sneeze, but you know, when your dad sneezes, you go, oh yeah, he's the,

the alpha here. I'm not fucking with that guy. Well, I'm telling you right now, I mean, I've never had allergies my entire life, and evidently it's high in New York. This is one of the top five worst cities. I went to Seattle, had nothing out there, never had a problem, but I don't know. When I, when I, I think when I was a kid, but you said you can get allergies later in life. When I was a kid, I was sniffing paint and fucking, you know, mudbugs and sitting in the backyard, pond water, the whole thing. So I think I've killed all that. I'm immune. Well, every seven years they say your allergies can change. You can pick them up later in life or you lose them later in life. And also, because of climate change, there's something with the

trees earlier and more or something, but I've been going to pollen.com like a nerd. What? Are you Jewish? Well, it says all of a sudden. You've got Woody Allen out here. You're going to be fucking an Asian girl. Well, I mean, I wish, but the other day I walked from the stand and I couldn't stop sneezing. I had like 40 sneezes. It was so bad. I'm sticking a leg up my ass and I'm doing some nasal shit someone told me about. I put honey in my butthole. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds good.

I don't know what's happening, but it's bad news bears. Maybe it's the giant cat shit over there that's triggering me. I think we're all alert to that turd, but all right. All right. Let me let me throw some stuff in your teeth and see what sticks to your pubes. What time is it? By the way, we have no, I know, but how long have we been going? Is it? Are we done? Is it the beginning? Is it the end? 38 minutes. We should do the minerals. Yeah.

Man, that flew by that birthday or surprise thing really jizzed in my mouth. Well, I think it was the cat too. And the other thing. All right, let's talk about sheath. Tuesday's with stories is brought to you by sheath. This is probably our favorite sponsor of all time. I don't know if we're allowed to say that happened to be wearing camo sheath. The camo is big. My life. I think you say camis, by the way. I had a military friend. He said, it's not camo. It's you're a homo. It's camis, cami. Oh, and Robert, he can tell us because he is a military guy. That's right. So I think you say camis, the real guy. You don't say camo. I've never heard cami. That's the chick I blew once.

Cameo. Well, Robert, you messaged us. You let us know, but because this is not coming from me. This is my friend who's a Marine and he's like, it's camis. It's camis on. I don't know. Who knows? I mean, he's an idiot, maybe. Maybe it's like Houston and Houston street. Could be. I'm not sure. But anyways, Tuesday's with stories is brought to you by sheath underwear. We love sheath underwear. You're wearing it right now. I might be wearing it right now. I think I am wearing it right now. Wait. No, this is something else. Karate kid. What does that say? Fire riffraff. Riffraff. That might be something different. I don't think that's going to bode well for the ad. That's a different spot. Well, every once in a while, I got to wear a different pair.

I only have six pairs of sheaths. Send us some more there, Robbie. Yeah. But anyways, the idea for sheath came from its founder, U S army soldier Robert Patton, who's a huge fan of us. He's a fan of skanks. He's a, he's a real comedy podcast fan. Oh yeah. We love this guy. He's so kind. He sends us all kinds of stuff. The underwear is killer. I've talked about it so much. It's sexy underwear, especially the cami camo cam a, maybe it's like the N word where they can say it could be. But anyways, it's sexy underwear. And we got, I got a sports profits Sarah, which is sexy to me. I cannot recommend this enough. It's got a space for your dick and balls. I actually do think this is sheath. I think I have the, I think it's a riffraff. It looks

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with stories is also brought to you by Blue Chew. Folks, I was telling you before the episode. I didn't have, I was out with my family and friends. So I wasn't having sex because I was with family. And I got home and just immediately right away. I mean, I was, I was quick and right to the gash. So I love sex, but sometimes it's not always that way. Sometimes you're having sex over and over again. Sometimes you haven't had in a while and the ladies a little a lot attractive. Sure. So you need some Blue Chew. You got that right baby. Blue Chew is a fine product. Its tablets offer the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in a chewable form. If you don't like swallowing pills, this is for you. I don't like swallowing pills at all. I hate it. It works fast. You can take a

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Spot Nick. Special offer just for the gays. Visit bluechew.com and get your first shipment free when you use our promo code Tuesdays. Just pay $5 in shipping. Again that's B-L-U-E-Chew.com. Promo code Tuesdays to try it for free. Come on. You can't go wrong. A free boner. All right. All right. I'm Don. I'm passing the torch to a new generation of Americans. I go crazy. That was a hell of a tale though. I felt like I was there. I could smell the pizza. I could smell your wife's bed. The whole thing. So I loved it. And here's. You know I was just in LA. We haven't talked in a while. So I got a couple back things. Yeah. Hit me with the backs though. Well I did all these pods which I know I covered. You know Whitney, Segura,

Marin, all these Santino. You name it. The other guy. And I stayed in this hotel. I got a shitbox motel. Everybody made fun of me. Now the hotel in LA has parking which was free and that's pretty rare. Right. But they have limited spots. So if you don't get it in time you just have to find a parking spot on the street. And you know LA they're hitlers with those parking spots. You got to keep an eye on that meter. You got to have you got to check every sign. Tuesday to Sunday. Street cleaning. Anti-semitism. I can't keep up. So I couldn't find a spot. I went out drinking one night with a couple people. Got home at like four in the morning. No spots obviously. So I couldn't find a spot on the street because I want to sleep in. You know it's four in the morning. I'm drunk.

I'd like to get a nap in. You know get get some hours. But they're all the spots you're taking and I know if I park on the street I'm going to oversleep. Exactly. If that meter started 8 a.m. I'll never make it. Right. So I had to make a game time decision. I'm half in the bag. I'm half hard. I'm drinking and driving. So the whole city in LA is just dead. It's just me out there looking like what the hell should I do. Should I try to double park. Should I just try to park in a meter and set my alarm. That's never going to work. Found a random vacant lot. Oh boy. Completely empty. A vacant LA lot. Yeah. I don't like where this is going. I know it was about a half a block away from the hotel and I could see the lot from my hotel window. Okay. So I said you know what I'm

putting it here. Fuck it. I'll put in the car here. God damn it. I'm going to bed. Oh God. Biggest mistake of my life. I don't like where it's going. I don't like the idea. And I think you're better off parking in a metered spot and just paying the ticket at this point. But what about the towing. Who knows if I had a toe. Now you're probably right though. You probably need a couple tickets to get a toe. Well I'll go back to my pal Derek. My wedding day. The actual wedding when we went to courthouse. He just parked on my street and he said I don't give a fuck. I'll take the ticket and he still got the ticket. He's got it framed above his porn stack and it's just sitting there. He never paid it. Just goes what the fuck. I'll pay 65 bucks. Who gives a shit. That's true

because you get a garage and it's 50 or whatever. Why not just do do the street with a ticket. Exactly. But the toe is big because you're in LA and all it gets towed to you know Santa Monica or some great right bumpfuck and then you got to go spend a day over there. And you don't they don't tell you where they brought it. Now every night. There's a sticker that said hey we took it here Dick whereas you're on your own. Well they see you as a bag of shit. Right. I you shouldn't have boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo. I know but at least let me know where it's going. Now you gotta call the Hage. You get a hot pink wagon that says. Dick. Mobile there like so here's the clinker. I go back up to the room and I look out the window. I'm like all right there's

the car. Here we go. Let's try to get some shut eye. I don't sleep a wink because I got to just keep my eye on the car. I'm just like I'm picturing the tow trucks. I'm burly guy with you know his crack hanging out bald hair and swastika dough in my car. I didn't sleep a wink. It was the worst day of my life. You got to get a wink. I got no wink and the hangover and I had all these big like Corolla and all these big pods the next day. I was with Salacuse. He's like you look like shit. I'm like I'm on fumes. I'm dying here but you got to do it. I suck it up and I did them all and it was a nightmare. Wait so was the car there and everything? I had never moved. Oh okay well the car worked out at least. It worked out. You got no wink but you got no dink in the ass at least.

Yeah but I would have paid 68 clams just to get a little laziz. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. But yeah not not a big deal. I sucked it. That's the cool thing about having a shitty day is it will end. Yeah. You know what I mean? You always go ah this sucks. I hate myself. It's the worst day of my life but the next day will be better. You just got to get through it. There's no better feel. I think I have a cat here in my tongue. There's no better feeling to me than you have a sore throat analogies and herpes and a big forehead and then you get home and you put on this program. Your wife and you are watching. You rub her feet and you come in your own underwear sheath and you watch your program and you go to bed. I mean it just it feels nice to go. All right. You know what that

days behind us. Yes. But do you ever get this. I'm going to bum everyone out. Sometimes they go out one day closer to death. I think about it all the time. You got to use every day baby because they're limited and we act. You know what you said once it just put a lawn dart right up my cooter. Oh boy. You said we only have like 30 summers left or something whatever it was. That's a Bobby Kelly bit. Oh shit. Well the great deal. He looks like Buddha. You know it when you say it like that. You know I'm like I'll live till 90 85 whatever that'll be fine. And when you're like you have this many summers you're like well I feel that way. I've talked about this maybe conflating the two but I feel this way with my wife when I'm gone for a week.

I'm like we have limited days. Yes. I'm like I just had six days. No wife. I feel that way with my buddies kids. I'm like well every six months to see these kids is half their life. But if I could spin that into a positive queef you probably have a less likely chance of getting divorced or breaking up because you're not. I mean these nine to five cunts they just see each other every day. They got to eat a shitty TV dinner and have bad gay sex and then they go back to work. Yeah you need separate time and you can't live your life thinking about you know keeping score and going I only had this many days that many days but you're going to have it in the back of the mind to go. Let me book a flight because you know I got to see my niece

my nephew my buddy my aunt my uncle my asshole. Yeah because you know you don't want to go your whole life not looking inside your own asshole. No no it's a treasure trove of just cornucopia of visuals back there but that's the cool thing about podcasting. I think maybe a reason it's so popular like people podcast is almost beating TV at this point. Maybe it is beating TV. I think so. Does anyone watch The Tonight Show but like look at the views like a Rogan gets or a Theo Vaughn or whatever it is. Well we essentially are TV now because now this is why I figured out recently because I only watch it on my phone. I never use my computer and I watch Netflix on the TV but now people throw YouTube up on the television. On the television. So people watch this us right now on a

big screen TV for an hour. And they eat dinner and eat out their their uncle. So but my point is I think conversation where we kind of communicate. People usually just sit around together like for hours an hour play P-knuckle or drink a beer on the porch or whatever because you know you had so much time. Then there was an Uber and Netflix and all this shit. And I think people do that as much now. So I think listening to a conversation is almost kind of cathartic and it brings you back to what we're supposed to be doing maybe. Absolutely well with social animals. That's why I feel refreshed. I was out in Oregon with the family and sitting in a circle and every night we had family dinner and we played rose seed thorn. We talked about the highlight the low light and what you're

looking forward to from the day. It's what it's all about. And it was just beautiful. And this is what I think about all the time. I'm like I should move to Seattle. I want to be with them. I love them. You know the kids call me Funko Joe. They look at the eye. We have one on one time and he's like it's like a four year old. He's like you ever eat this. And I'm like I have eaten. We're having like a real conversation. And I feel I'm never happier in my whole life. But is it nice to keep it special. You know you don't want ice cream every day there dick cheese. Well that's the thing and you can see it with the parents because the parents are like all right sit down you fucking idiot. And to me I'm like everything they say is hilarious but I'm like oh they spend every

minute with this piece of shit. Yeah yeah yeah the kid sucks but grass is greener is always a thing but that's why it's good to have variety. That's the key these guys who do the same hum dumb job every day with the same shitty commute the plus size wife the bad meal the movie the horrible sex the bad curtains the weird bedspread it sucks. Well but here's the here's the other thing though is I wouldn't be living in the house with them but I'd see them every weekend. That's a lot. I pick them up. I got 20 minutes here half hour there so it's tricky but it rains in Seattle. What are we going to do a zoom podcast. No one wants to watch the zoom late the zoom the cats misses you. It wouldn't work. Yeah so they should move here. All right so I had a fun on the way out

of LA LA was just such a whirlwind and I'm glad I did it because it you know it was productive but that's a lot of work. You got to just put your head down and hustle but Jesus Christ. You don't want to shimmy. My jeans were riding up my ass. Okay well the ankle's back. Mine too but I had a fun experience at the airport which you rarely hear. So I'm leaving LA to go back to New York and I go to LAX and I'm in the woo woo you know the the hands up. Don't shoot. Yeah the woo woo and you know the x-ray thing and it's this big like younger black guy with dreadlocks he's the TSA guy and I come out he's like whoa whoa whoa whoa what do you got in here. Like I look to the screen it's all red right here like I got a you know a conjunctivitis or gonorrhea or whatever

so I was like oh that's weird I'm you know I'm just wearing sheath over here you know and he's like go back in go back in I'm like all right woo woo woo again I'm getting cancer whatever and I come out and says it on again he's like something's going on with your your junk there what do you got a plate in your dick what's going on and I was like no this is now I travel every week I've never had this before in my life and he's like well this is weird so he's like I gotta pat you down and I was like well I got a huge dick as Joe I'm just trying to like fuck with the guy and he says he goes don't do that don't do that and I thought he was mad and he goes and ain't bigger than mine oh wow we had this huge laugh and the woo woo and it was great

and uh I thought he was mad like like a teacher like don't do that young man that's inappropriate he goes and I think and he was probably right this guy was huge and uh african-american so I'm sure I picked it up in the accent yeah so uh I I think I nailed it by the way just like the Keanu but it's like Aretha Franklin blues brothers don't you do that don't you blast with me you better think great film good film good lady good dick and uh yeah so we had this moment we had a bond and it was like you know blm and the height of the chauvin trial of me and this uh black guy are blowing each other in the middle of tsa you gotta love a black blonde every time I have a black bond a bond I said bond I meant to say bond well a black blonde is sexy too that's fun and we might

have a black bond before you know it 007 oh yeah Idris Alba yeah but uh so that was fun and so then I go here's my thing I travel with this away case and I like my away but I'm so sick of opening my goddamn dildo package and I got to pull the the uh the computer out for the security why on earth don't you have pre-check I'm not even gonna try to be funny I'm gonna get serious oh god you're a fucking idiot I don't do that I just go online it's 85 bucks for seven years I mean you travel twice a week every week I thought you had to go to the airport and uh shit in the shoe or whatever it is and you gotta talk to the guy and it's a whole appointment I don't want to go to the airport I'm not flying it's all over Jerry just call him up just well you go you can go either

there's an office in mid it's like 23rd and 8th it takes you an hour you go get a burrito you have a beer you go in there you give a thumb print you take a photo you kiss a guy in the lips you give him a check for 85 bucks it's pre-check you don't take your computer out or your shoes off whatever it's a shorter line you never take anything out all right right in there with your shoes on and you save three minutes for years you don't have to worry about it three minutes a headache that I open it up I got six mushroom caps falling out of my bag and a magnum condom it's a nightmare everybody sees my panties and my my skid marks I hate it and you never do the woo-woo even when you tell the story of the woo-woo I'm like what are you doing in a woo-woo you don't do the

woo-woo no woo-woo I haven't had a woo-woo since I was poo-poo in my pants I mean this is crazy I thought everybody the woo-woo I didn't know pre-check got away from the woo no no woo I mean you gotta go uh pre-check it's crazy go tomorrow I'm going tomorrow make a day just go do it it'll change your life all right no more woo woo you're out of my life woo I'm sick of it I already got cancer and radioactive balls so now I what I do now my my way around is I carry a backpack with my bag so you get the personal backpack with the computer the zoom mic the you know the double-sided dildo whatever it is but I'm this is new so I'm not a backpack guy okay so now I'm in the airport and I'm like all right put my bag down put my backpack down go get a steal some stuff out of the Hudson

news and some nuts and a cliff bar and I come back and I'm like all right now time to get on the plane I grabbed my wheelie I'm going on the plane I forgot the backpack oh I forgot the bat with my computer that's the most expensive thing I own and I have a classic car so now I'm like woo baby look nobody's on my row I'm in like you know 28 b you're you're I'm suited up I got my movie picked out the headphones in I got my playgirl ready and they're like okay folks and I'm like the backpack it just hit me and I run out of there like it's uh flight 93 and I go whoa whoa whoa whoa I left my backpack in the terminal and they're like uh they hate you already and they they want to say no to everything at the airport have you do you feel that yeah well I think I get it because it's gotta be uh an operation

sure you gotta shuffle them in one at a time get the bags in yeah come on and get out of there right so I did some fast talking I was like I got nitrate and plutonium in there and the 88 miles an hour gigawatts and they were like all right all right I was like take my wallet take my wife whatever it is and I run out through the the what is that jet stream what do you call that thing hold on I got it they segue jetway jetway jetway is that right Chuck I fell off the jetway again jetway oh yeah jetway that's dumb and dumber it's Rhode Island oh yeah it's not catching my clit how do I know I think it's called a uh a tube no tube tube is no good my hand too close feels close I'm okay with it all right uh jet we'll go jetway so I'm running down the jetway and then there's

also the possibility that some cum stain out in uh Delta is like oh what's this see something say something let me grab this uh blue bag here and walk it over and search should have the bomb squad with the German shepherd and the slimy shits so luckily it's still there I run over I trip over an old guy I grabbed the bag I'm wearing no mask by the way I just like ran out boom grabbed it run back on and I made it but uh wow it felt like I left a special needs kid in a burning building it's the worst feeling in the world I mean I had that with just a clueless puzzle when I was back home go where's the clueless puzzle oh god because in your mind anything you lose you're like that's the most valuable thing I have even though it was a $12 puzzle that we would have never done and

whatever oh right but just uh the backpack's the worst because like you said all your shits in there it's terrible I got mine right here I never I never let it leave my ass but do you have that I mean you have to constantly be thinking backpack backpack can you put it down it's over I'm a constant I mean I'm OCD so I got uh I have OCD I'm always padding my keys my ass my wallet everything constantly yeah yeah because you know we talked about the sunglasses and do you ever do this one I'll go okay your sunglasses are sitting right there at the restaurant don't forget them and in my head I go oh I've taken care of the sunglasses as I said don't forget them but I in my head it thinks I've grabbed them well I'm one of these big remind me of this because it's not

I need the person to remind me but if I say remind me somehow that helps yes yes and Sarah I have to say as a good wife she's good at the reminder like she's one of these people when you say remind me of this she does it okay uh-oh crimes through the roof here hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum we all know how hard it is to quit smoking it's almost impossible as far as I understand I've heard horror stories you can get sick and headaches and it's just brutal those uh cigarette companies just got their hooks in you but luckily Lucy is here Lucy was founded by Caltech scientists former smokers who wanted to help other people quit they set out to create a better and cleaner nicotine alternative it took three years of

research and experimenting and they finally made Lucy a nicotine gum that actually tastes good it comes in three flavors wintergreen cinnamon pomegranate I love cinnamon I could put cinnamon on anything and love it each has four milligrams of nicotine if you don't like gum you can check out their cherry ice lozenge this stuff is as good as it gets it's going to help you quit we want you to quit we want you to be the healthiest version of yourself so please get some Lucy nicotine gum they're supporting this show so please go support them get 20% off all products including gum or lozenges at lucy.co and use code Tuesdays that's 20% off at lucy.co use promo code Tuesdays at checkout here's the part the lawyers make me say warning this product contains

nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical but you already knew that so get 20% off at lucy.co with code Tuesdays so a couple things I just want to just quick quick shout out Tacoma did the Tacoma comedy club it was fucking amazing Andrew Rivers was a opener a killer he's a killer he had great jokes great he was one of those sets where I'm like I got something like that can't do that I got something like that like he's just really good good stuff and just the crowds were hot and so many Tuesdays and booze in and Tacoma I like Tacoma Tacoma was like low pressure it was right after LA so it was like I'm just gonna stare at that mountain jerk off and have a cocoa it's so where we both we're in Tacoma the same day we just

missed each other it's crazy and then and then Sam was in Spokane yeah we spoke we all were in Washington within a couple days but none of us saw each other yeah far away from each other I guess Jews in the night just passing each other and so then came back had a great New York moment back in New York after all that LA all the Tacoma all the Utah all great get back to New York I got to set up the city winery classy joint yes nice pay nice meal so they text me and they go it's sold out and I go great that's fun and then they go we got a drop in oh boy and I go oh well we've had Louie there we've had a David tell there like where do we go from here you know maybe Gaffigan maybe Seinfeld who knows I think I know who it is uh-huh so Mulaney pops in I was wrong

post rehab he does the rehab set oh wow yes I missed it oh I cut the head eight gigs I ran there he's getting off thank you everybody and I saw him in the back I said hey it's good to have you back and he was like oh yeah who are you and then I'm pretty sure he hates me but I'm such a fan and it's just great to have him back and I think he's gonna have a huge pop and he's doing shows again and it was exciting to be a part of that like I'm on the show where he came back and the crowd was a Twitter well he's such a fat I think it was gonna be rock because rock is I got some inside dope that he's gonna be around oh well we need him around I got a little inside knowledge that I think he's gonna be I'm the same oh good good I'd like to see him hit

something yeah so I think he's gonna be around but uh Mulaney's one of those guys we've talked about before I don't understand him because he just seems to come out with killer shit he doesn't even do a set it's like he does a candlestick in the mirror he's like you never see him anywhere he's like batman or somebody you don't see that often because all of a sudden he comes out and just has like amazing stuff I know I know you never see him testing it or failing with it you know he's never there's like never a rocky set he just shows up with killer stuff I think he's just like a phenom he's just got it yeah I'm glad he's around he's one of the best ever and I hope to bump into him myself because yeah uh special yeah I hope he doesn't just like us but you know I always assumed

that oh jeez he said us oh well to you to us what did he say something about me I'm bringing you with me did he make a face did he mention you didn't come up because I've texted him before and it seemed okay but that was like a couple years ago I saw him at the US Open and I said hey I see at the US Open so that was it but he might have been like why are you texting me a piece of shit he has my Bob Dylan DVD from 20 years ago oh all right at least you got some collateral yeah I never got it back so if anything I should not like him but I do like him so what the fuck ah yeah he's got a rehab for stealing so then uh we did Baltimore this weekend Baltimore was amazing fun time and but I had the Amtrak it tell you you love the Amtrak you don't have to get on

a plane I have to take my fucking shoes off I don't have to take my laptop out but precheck four hour delay on Amtrak oh I'm eating over here I know it's not a kick in the taint so yeah I just walking around Penn Station I starting to turn into one of the homeless guys at first like look at this fucking creep then two hours later I'm like you know my closer tour and I stink I'm pissing on the fucking floor and I have no pre-show ritual do you have a ritual no well I got a Starbucks a lot no you got rituals you you smirk but you got a rich I mean I go and get my tea if I can if there's a Starbucks I like to have a tea but I mean I'm not doing I'm not doing a cross and taking a shit or anything sure yeah same but some people get weird they

got to wear the same socks like it's the Mets game in the 80s or whatever but I only have this I'd like to get a shower in I like a shower I mean if we're talking if we're saying a shower is a ritual then I have a ritual I can clean my body before I go out well sometimes people just oh shit I didn't shower day I'll go up you know that's disgusting I got a shower and I've saved my shower sometimes for the show because I'm like hey Thursday night I haven't showered in five days but this is a club show weekend spot headlining let me get a shower in but that just delay just kept now it's leaving at 230 now three now 330 now four now 430 so I'm getting there at 740 the show starts at 730 okay but that's getting to Baltimore Penn Station you still got to get to the club

in Timonium with an Uber right so I finally make it the features on stage and I haven't showered my hair's got semen in it I got crusty mouth you know like that Penn Station mouth and I've got the film on me and it was fine but just though one of the tough things about then you got to do like a meet and greet a soul birch it was just oh boy when I got back to that hotel I just showered it up maybe exhausting some of those things because anything goes wrong you're just we're such particular I know when something goes wrong you yeah have this thing of like I was gonna do this I was gonna do that full day to get right again yes yes exactly so uh yeah we got right and we did all these shows it was great and thanks for having Umar Khan killed and uh yeah so great

weekend I'm back today I know that's another thing I know this is where we are different this arriving and just doing a podcast I was in your house before you were I mean this is this is goofy it's it's uh it's a lot but you know we do it for the folks and the the art of it and uh clefs yeah we appreciate it and by the way I mean I know we say it every time but now we I feel like Conan this is how Conan starts every show I always say this but this time we mean it the patreon is like sick it's dope it's uh fire yeah it's fire hella dope cool lit it's it's Sam it's whatever we're doing a new hot gay sets there's a 32 minute episodic documentary of us on a road trip out to Long Beach we're doing one tonight we're running the stand and seller Chuck

is here on the twos and the fours yeah he's shooting us uh and we're gonna go get smoothies we're gonna go to the stand we're gonna go to the seller we're shooting all of it and we're doing another must-queef TV yeah they're right there it is the dick the logo the whole thing so we're doing that and we're about to do one of those we're about to do each of these they're all coming out hd three camera shoot get on the patreon I mean it's like a tv show it is it's its own channel it's like having hulu or some shit but it's woo woo and uh it's fun times Chuck's got the quality goods he's got the skills he's uh got a decent girthy piece and like it girthy oh all right he's giving us the nada really well it's it's like an hourglass it looks like

the place your aides here but sit in the middle and uh and it takes 10 minutes so we're still doing that and shelby by the way still on the stuff he's doing the other thing and this thing and that thing so uh we're all here we got a family we added a new member it's a it's a five man operation now counting fanny who's god bless her so uh keep tuning in keep sending us a thing and you can get on there for four bucks it's a buck a week buck a week one dollar a week yes a buck for a chuck so two buck chuck get on there i gotta do my last push this weekend austin paramount theater we added a second show first show by the way is not quite sold out still a few ticks we expect to sell out second show my god there's about 11 people coming to this fucking thing

so for god's sakes get tickets to the 10 p.m get come to both shows whatever don't do that that would suck it yeah i hate that but that's awesome the weekend after that comics at what's it called row house row comics roadhouse at mohegan son matt wanes coming he loves hockey he loves uh you know overboard we talk about those two things and that's it sure but uh so come to that you know it's gonna be good you're doing the big big big r on wednesday yeah and that like well but you know it comes out nine days later now or yeah much like chuck but uh yeah i don't know maybe that'll help but you know you post about it and the people who's this guy i don't know you're getting the al go a little bit who knows something so keep an ear out for that check those out and

you're you're gonna date up the ass i assume i'm on the road uh like a dog for the next couple months so uh come on out uh oof jeez heartford's tickets are horrible uh where else am i i don't know i'm doing spokane uh yikes sorry i should know this datan teledo uh virginia beach uh all the tough ones portland origan buffalo syracuse oh god this is gonna be tough houston improv let's sell that thing out philly haley i'm one of my favorites and uh yeah so just come on out check the website arlington improv wherever that is brea in the los angeles area albany who west palm beach comedy connection out in big prov love that club so yeah come on out say hello get a t-shirt get a chipotle card queef it up kiss me on the nipples

and you know fucking good razella