Tuesdays with Stories! - #402 The Walkaway

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

Hoo wee folks, we're back and one of the longest pods goin' as Mark see's a guy get thrown out of a hole in the wall restaurant in Texas while takes in some live music before going swimming in Barton Springs and seeing some bats. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays), BlueChew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), & Keeps (keeps.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Yee-hah Hey mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do great good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag Surf's up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there? Mark Norman and Joe list Tuesdays with stories everybody That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy

Lot of hair. Hey, we're here everybody. It's Tuesdays with stories. I am Joseph Albert lists That's Mark Marie Tollemash lists Norman Think of your last name. Well, I think after it's common law after a while me and you've made loves of any times, you know Boy, it's been a long time. Isn't it weird to think about this podcast ups and downs over and outs and just a nice steady And eventually will peak and plummet. Yeah, you're right I mean we we made us we might have started at the bottom and I think we're plateaued somewhere on the second tier But think about all the people who've died in our run I mean left and right podcast falling families are always rising and falling in America. You got that right

My yeast is risen as is Jesus, but that's a good trivia Like how many podcasts have begun and ended in the tenure that we've been going? Oh I'm gonna say hundreds of thousands. I mean tons and tons and big ones too. I think I mean Remember in the tank with John Fish and dead shaggy. I love that pop. That was big. That was like it felt big anyways Yeah, they would get you know, they'd get Bobby Kelly. I was like But yeah, you're right, uh, let's see what it was, you know, Rogan went to Spotify kill Tony got arrested Shob and the other guy went to hell. So it's all topsy-turvy. It's all pipes. But yeah, it's been I mean I Get I mean it's been eight years now

Eight years September will be eight years. Yeah, we we booted hyenas. I'll tell you that. Yeah hyenas is out They're dead. They killed each other or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, that's what hyenas do they eat their own What else has got legion of skanks been going they started before us. I think I think so. Yeah. Yeah Well, there's a there's been a couple out there is is a what's that one called? It's out in Queens Keith and the girl girl that one was huge. That was like the first podcast I wasn't like in the 80s. They were going that was I remember that podcast and I didn't understand what a podcast was That's what's weird about podcast because now it feels like it's such a part of the Zyte guys vernacular zeitgeist Zionist Israel yeah, but it's done, but

There was a time remember going they did the marathon thing and then people were like we're gonna go out to keep the girl They're doing a podcast marathon. Yes, and I remembered being like what is a podcast? Yes, same Well, it's a radio show, but it's filmed that you can listen to it later. I'm like film this who would film the radio I didn't get any of it, but it was big. I mean that guy was selling out clubs for years Yeah, they really did a couple shows a year and would just bring it and bang it or whatever Yeah, and I didn't really believe in it. I was like, I'll go do it I have literally nothing else going for me at this stage of my career and Then after a while just didn't want to go to Queens

You got to feel for all the radio guy because all these people built their life on radio and then they were like podcast shut up What's a podcast who cares and now here we are remember the famous? Ari Howard Stern beef. Yes, dude the two biggest Jew faces on the planet Beefing it out. Oh, you got to be a real broadcaster and Ari's like shut up. Yeah, boomer even though Ari's probably older than him somehow Yeah, that was one of those ones where I Get it cuz Stearns like I've never even heard of this guy and people were like now He does really well, but he doesn't do as well as Stern. Of course, but I don't know who does who knows what I miss Whatever happen. I miss that nappy headed. Oh, I think he died, right?

Pretty sure he died damn Maybe not though. I think he's around just saying the n-word in a parking lot. No, I think he died didn't he died I think he died and whatever but anyways We've been here a long time and Every week for God's sakes hours and hours and and some of the old episodes are on the patreon join the patreon We got a new TV thing going on hot gay sets Chuck is doing it Chuck

Whatever his name is wolry chucky cheese. Yeah, he's kicking ass Come on people complained about Chuck if you don't like what to tell you but your life screwed up You were beaten as a child get out right now and get some some pros act cuz if you don't like Chuck I can't I can't help you he's videotaping. He's editing We still got Shelby on the twos and ones fan. He's sticking ads up our ass. I mean, we're having a great time We got a whole team here. You got that right and we're giving you the best we got here But the patreon right now is like rocking. I mean you got video. We just did one yesterday a random video That was fun. Yeah came up with our best comedy club names. What'd you decide on ball sacks?

I thought I won while showering and thinking of you laughing stock. Oh Insulting but laughing stock is bad. I know it's a pejorative But that's all I had. That's me. Maybe that's a good. That's the soup they would serve I think we ended with one yesterday though. Didn't we come up with one at the end? Oh, yeah Mark You're stuck on mark you got skid mark on your ass I can't get away from it

But yeah, either way we will come up with something by the end of it. I thought we had one on the queef I thought that was we ended. We were like, okay. This wasn't bad. It was like a it was a mediocre. It was a five Yeah, fuck. What was it? We'll check the table join the patreon and tell us and then what else is on the patreon. We got must-queef TV Yes on there. Yes, really kicking ass and there's a new hot gay sets coming out manana So that'll be a fun one chug is just sitting in a room with a pot of coffee at a like one of those green visors crunching numbers just Typing away editing away. He's making magic out of a computer this kid and a beakman. What's that called a beakman a beaker?

I'll be with the lab. Yeah all the end of it and the green stuff would be bubbling. Yes Weird science. He he's like I think beaker was a muppet. Yeah, I think you're right But what was it was beakman a thing beakmen? That's just a guy. I think a walkman But what did we say that a beaker beaker? Yeah, but it was a muppet and a jar thing Yeah, it's a muppet named and he went like beep beep beep beep beep beep beep right he cursed a lot Yeah, the muppets were good. Yeah, they had a good run that Jim Henson He was another guy got shot down left and right everybody hated him

Yeah, you'll never make it in this town dr. Seuss hated Jews and he hey and he's got shot down left and right then look at them now they're all dead and JK Rowling wasn't she a thing Basketball team or something like that one of those hey well the WNBA. It's it's a tough roster for a honky lady But either way she prospered Is that where a prosper? Yeah prosper. I always knew it from Spock live long and prosper. Yeah, he was the Jew in space Is that right first you out there and Shatner's a Jew too. Nobody's aware of it. No kidding closet it Wow, most Jews are hiding in the closet, but either way

It's good to be here where I think we're running on eight years here. Yeah, it'll be yeah The September will be nine, but we started recording earlier than that. So around this time summer Yeah, 2013 we did our first few episodes here here. It was all your idea You wanted to have 71 comics around a dining table with two microphones We had multiple guests and started with two guests. I went down to one guest and then we got rid of the guests and now ironically Every day I get an email being like no pod succeeds with no gas. Yes, you can't have a gas You guys yes, but the guests they can't hang. I'm sorry. You can't you put a guest in here It ruins the rapport. Yeah, we're just farting and calling them fags and they get upset and it's no good

So if we don't blow up, we don't blow up. What are you gonna do? Yeah, we're not trying to blow up. We got a cool Paycheck coming in right now. You can't complain. It's pretty good. It's it's steady It's not breaking the bank, but it ain't spare change either. Oh god. I got a bad feeling about this There it is the chair to the table was something out of a plant of earth. Oh, he's gonna drink Come on nothing yet Oh It's still sniffing well, he's got licking it's licking the ice he's never had ice before that's the first time for ice Ice baby, that's exciting. Well, by the way, some lady sent me a long email

I wanted to block her and shoot her but she's like you're a cunt your wife hates you You gotta takes you gotta do some calisthenics your big pussy. Oh, yeah, it's a bit also. It's a cat I don't have to pick my wife from cats. Oh, yeah, good boy. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm like, I'm out walking around I'm an adult. I'm doing well, you know, there's a cat with jumping on my asshole and it's big and furry I don't care for it. But you know, I can't believe my girlfriend sent you that email, but still The cat is drinking your water and I'll get you a fresh one in about an hour By the way, the lady called you a pussy too. She's like you're both cunts. It's embarrassing. I can't believe it This there's no way this glass is gonna stay standing not not a good sign. Oh boy

This cat's a booze bag. That's vodka go into town. I mean, it sucks to not have opposable thumbs Don't you wish the cat must want to pick this up and dump it over her head? Of course, but he doesn't know about picking up and also the chin is just getting soaked It's a shitty way to live. You ever seen a cat or a dog drinking slow motion. I don't think so It's pretty wild. You can see it on YouTube. They put the tongue in and then they pull the tongue up So water shoots up and then they catch it What that's how it works? I thought they have an absorbent tongue. I thought it was a sponge time. No, are you sure? No absorb. I think the tongue is a different kind of tongue and the tongue is going in there

It does have a drippy chin. It looks like my wife on my birthday Tongue was like it soaked it in it just Are you sure we shall be then it would soak up saliva and drown or suffocate I think you turn off off and on the thing a water whore Jesus Christ you get one water and that's it You can't try them all. What is this the bunny ranch? I don't like that you save your water and not mine Well, you could have you had chances now you reach it. It's your kid. It's like you know, I mean It's like if you have a child and your kid takes a shit in my sneaker like I did as an adult Sure, I can't go over and slap it. I need you to fucking kick it in the asshole

I can't be disciplining your cat You done yeah, but I had to put my hand near it. I see I see all right Well now it's blowing the the recorder here at the zoom. I know it's gonna press a button and make it weird Yeah, well you chill out with everything on the table you goddamn coon So, uh, yeah, where you been? What should I get? I'll get you a new water. I feel bad. Don't worry about the water I got a hot water over here. I got a tea, but sometimes my throat gets a little I get it I get it the semen it's coated. I got oh god. It's making me nervous on the buttons. It's on the twos and ones easy DJ Tanner Jesus Christ this thing. Well, I've been it's been a long time. So last week long time

It's been a long time Dude dear and together. What's that Bob Marley? Oh, yeah, I've got you Yeah Blow your dad he needs it kid out. Yeah We teased a little bit because I was in Texas a couple weeks ago now, but then I told the story about getting Costed mmm, which the lady thought I was pussy for that too. I think But you gotta pick your battles She looks 65 years old. She had like curly

Hey, she looked like Harpo marks in the picture, but it was a small picture and I blocked her but good blocking up But a little darling. I Was out in town. I gotta talk about Texas because I ended up right smack in the middle of some controversy I don't know if you saw this. I believe some Asian hate. I was no Asian hate. I was on CNN MSNBC See the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah, so I went and did Rogan, which is exciting and I did it before your sons of bitches You got that right? I mean all these people like finally. I never thought I'd see the day This is amazing. You get your big break. No looking back now

I'm like I did the show nine years ago you fucks, but Your defense it did get pulled from Spotify. That's true. And I think I just suck nobody cares. Nobody watches it I think his viewers plummet when I'm on there They see my big dumb face the weird teeth and the herpes and they go we're all set All right, well, who knows But what can you do so I went on there and I literally did three-hour show and it's intense as you know He's really staring at you and he's big. He's got the neck the tattoos. I'm doubt about it. I'm gay and So oh the cat is on the move. All right terrific. Oh, all right. Well, yeah

So I went and did the show and you talked for two hours and 50 minutes and it was the day of the Tony Hinchcliffe stuff Yes, that was nervous about that. We never even talked about it. I call Sarah and I'm like, hey, it was great And I'm like it was fun. I had a good time and we didn't even talk about anything controversial So no worries about that And then three days later on the flight home and I get six texts. You're on BBC you're on CNN You're on to catch a predator. You're on Roger Ebert It was wild the thing blew up because he said white people are gonna die or whatever or silenced. Yeah, we're getting silenced

So I mean this thing exploded Don Lemon was talking about it Don Lemon being like I don't like this one bit and it cuts to me with a crooked teeth and a cigar Crazy man, I mean and it's terrifying. So were you talking on the on the show or is this your wacky mug? It's just my wacky mug and I'm going I know it's crazy. Wow weird I think I just did a lot of those and then the clip that went viral it ends with me being like, yeah, but oh Isn't that funny they don't they don't want you to Rebuttal well, they don't know who I am. I'm like, I'm useless They're like this is some nobody but they want road

I think they want him bad because he made a hundred million and they want whatever that muscles or whatever it is. Yeah, he's a bald scary Rich honky, so they want him dead But I got caught up in the middle of it and it was terrifying. I've had now two controversial rogan episodes without anyone watching it But it's times like that where you go. Thank God. I'm not famous. Thank God. I'm a nobody. Thank God people see my wacky Facade and move on right well, some guy wrote to me and was like way to push back on Rogan You fucking pussy and I genuinely am not sure which side he's on Yeah, he was mad at me for pushing back cuz I was like I was kind of laughing and like yeah, but I saw I don't know if he's mad at that or if he was like on the other side and he was like yeah

He didn't even push back you fucking bitch I generally don't know what he was talking about But that was the only person that was upset with me as far as I could tell but all right It was a bed. I'm like the forest gump of podcast. I'm just adjacent to history. Yes like he's Gabby Hoffman or whoever and I'm forest going in in Vietnam or whatever the sound gets pulled out when I talk right and you just lucky didn't get AIDS So yeah, I did not get AIDS by the way, huh? How did he not get AIDS? I know I was worried that too. I maybe she got it later in life

No, cuz she was all straight and fly right, but I think it is harder for a man cuz he's not getting like Pumped I think you gotta have some blood. Yeah, I think it is tougher for a heterosexual man to Even if you fuck a lady with AIDS, it's difficult to transmit that way. Whoo. Thank God the patriarchy. Yeah Well, yeah, there you go. So I saw your your your kooky Your kooky face there on on the TMZ and I couldn't believe it and it's funny I mentioned this before but all we wanted to do when we start out and I gotta get on TV I gotta get on every channel. I gotta have exposure and now when you're on every channel You're going this is bad news my life's over. I'm canceled a ruin

Well, it's a weird thing about show business cuz you like you saying you want to be seen but now I'm like I don't want to be on any TV. I just want to have a quiet podcast a nice quiet You know the life and do my sets at the funny jizz. Yep, because someone had a good point They were like you people in show biz. He was a non show biz guy He said you're in show biz everything you do your whole life is building to get famous Then you get famous and wear sunglasses around so nobody recognizes you. Yeah That's fascinating you want the perks though. You want to get into the restaurant and go. Hey, I'm Jeffrey Dahmer and they go. Oh, this guy likes to eat so they bring in

But then you don't want to get bothered at the airport with a hangover. Yeah, well, yeah, you want everyone to go You're amazing. We love you. You're brilliant, but you don't want people to go Hey, we heard you say queef TV piece of shit. I know I know I don't think it's worth it I would never want to be a Seinfeld the level even a Rogan level. I'm like, it's too much Yeah, it's tough. The down is worse than the up Well, there's ups and downs and overs and I you don't have to worry about finance. That's pretty nice That is nice, but you can do that by inventing a Ditas or something true all day. I dream about sex

Huh, that's what Adidas stands for remember. Do you ever have that? Oh, I never put that together kids You do all day. I dream about sex. Then you can reverse sex all day is definitely awesome Yeah, that was big over there. That was big and I won't do I rock but That was huge that never made it to New Orleans. We couldn't read down there. That's pretty impressed. We had a Pontiac I won't do that one on the air. Yeah, Pontiac and I rock were bad news bears, but I don't know I rock That was in a car. I rock Z. I know the car, but I don't know the the letters Well, we'll put it on the patreon now. We're talking you got to sign up Stuff get in there the patriarchy patreon, but anyways, so that was exciting. I got some other Texas stuff

What I can't I'm trying to put I rock together. Well, I'll shoot you a text. Is it I are okay see see Yeah, now I got it. Well anyways, so what are you doing? Let's do a little bit. I got to get my thoughts together my asshole together Rogan makes me anxious. Yeah, well, I mentioned the Salisbury, so we got out of that so Just to really make my life even harder. I go to Salisbury. I come back on a bus I get no sleep yada yada yada next day fly to Houston now

This is not a Houston gig. This is a gig in Brian, Texas Brian like BRI AN like Brian Herff Hoffman or Brian Griffin sets her orchestra. Yeah, Brian Griffin couldn't think of a Brian, so Regan, thank you So I'm like, all right Go on just suck it back up four-hour flight to Houston Land in Houston jumping Andrew Youngblood's car. He picks me up at the airport. You know, you're woozy Oh, you got the flight grease on you

Jumping a car drive two hours to Brian, which is a small college town. That's where A&M is Well, I thought that was in college station Same thing. Oh that Brian is called. It's one of these towns that like that college station is Brian and Brian is you know, Whatever, I think the guy Brian Founded it. They go, this is college station goes. What about me? They go, all right. We'll call it Brian. You chooch I hate those kitchen towns. It's the county is this but the town is that I'm like, where the fuck am I? Isn't that weird about Brooklyn? It's Kings County, but then there's Queens, so why it wouldn't it be better to have King and Queen? Yeah, but it is King County and Queens County. I know but how come Queens County got to stay Queens?

I don't know what goes on there, and then there's like There's some other stuff too like you're in of some of these towns. You're at like the Omaha funny bone But it's in a village called. Yes, Liberty, Ohio. Liberty. Yeah, all this weird shit. I don't know what's what but anyway Yeah, anyway, so, you know, I'm on Brian. Get to Brian. You're on fumes and I gotta say I gotta give a shout out to these Brian queves These kids this is just like a random guy who has a bar. He runs a bar Whatever, he's like a young kid and he's obsessed with comedy and you get nervous about these because everybody wants to be Joe Hollywood and put on a big show with a microphone And a green room and and sell it out and say we got you on the poster and all this shit

So a little lot of them get a little highfalutin and the show stinks Mm-hmm. They just want the glitz and the glamour and hey look what I did everybody I brought this guy here and how cool of mine now, please blow me This kid said what do you want in the green room? We've sold out. We promoted the balls out of it It's gonna be a hot show. I got you staying at this great hotel blah blah blah, and it was amazing Wow, that's not what kind of test so it's the college town. So yeah, there are a bunch of college kids Or is it all kids who's gays? Do they know who you are? They don't know who you are? What's going on? It was one of these towns where it's got a Main Street and the little shops

I got the old theater. It looked like the town and back to the future Hill Valley. Thank you Yeah, Goldie the mayor may Goldie Wilson. Thank you. All right, so the clock tower 88 gigawatts, so uh Just beautiful cute town. It feels like one of those towns. It's run by kids like where are the adults? Oh, I love that I love it too every it's like, you know boys and girls. It's like the Lost Boys and It's just party restaurants bars good times So the show fills up twos gaze are out there sold a ton of shirts I'm in the green room great time sold out all the shows and this kid couldn't have been more accommodating And I got to give a shout out to him

So now I can't think of his name, but great kid. Is it Brian? I wish that would have been easier But sweet kid and we did a couple of shows we got super drunk and it was fun because I'm the only guy in the town They all know each other. Hey, it's bob at the cobbler and jimmy with the pie shop And uh, old whore betty, you know, they all know each other. So then I show up I'm the guy who's been on the poster for six months. They go, that's the guy I got more shots bought me than, uh, you know fucking hoseik and seiko. It's so fun being the guy It was the guy was the guy. Yeah, bob cub. But here's the kooky part now This is what you got to love about the road because everybody, you know, you start getting a little bigger in the biz

You know, you're at your level. You're doing rogan. You're doing the paramount theater These little gigs they have It's a sense of adventure. You know, you jump in a car and look we're tired. I'm hungover. I'm gay But you get into a car and we drive from houston to brian I go, man, i'm starving. Andrew youngblood goes. Yeah, me too. You know, we should do We should go get some barbecue in texas, but we'll find the most fucked up hole in the wall Barbecue joint in the middle of these two towns. There's nothing there. I love that. I love those places in texas That's the funnest part about driving in texas because you're on all these service roads or be whatever the fuck they call them weird roads

Yes, and it's weird when they're on those roads that are like flat like you're just next to the grass like up here. It's all Lifted up or whatever. Whatever you call it. But anyways, you're there. You just see the smoker the big black Thing it looks like an oil tank and you just smell it from a mile away You see the rusty smoker and the confederate flags And you just come pulling in and the dirt goes flying behind you completely. Yeah, there's that old the cow skull You know, yeah, you gotta have a weed. Yeah the cacti. I love texas. I want to just fuck texas right in the ass I'm not moving there. I'm not driving to the airport

But it's a great place. I love the weather and uh, you know, some of the people are a little frightening But sure there's plenty of assholes out here by the way, you got that right sloppy jalopy. Good point I used to always hit that with la like oh people are so la they're la this they're la that i'm like Well, we got some pretty first-class fucking queefs out here in new york too, I might have Come guzzlers out here and you know, you drive around in the Wherever i'm not gonna name neighborhood, but you drive around you're like, well, this isn't so hot either. Yo, oh, yeah Oh, yeah, well, it's it's like your point with bean town. Yeah, boss and so racist

I'm like, ah, I can hear a pretty good n-word upstate new york. I'll tell you that exactly I always say I'm like point to the part of the country that doesn't have a racial history I don't know what you're talking about Yeah, I don't like boss in this. I'm like, I know we had a riot We had a bussing situation There's a couple of wallbergs beat up the guy now the asian kid blinded him. Yeah, but I mean detroit's got some history The pacific northwest has got 11 black people total southern california or the riots the whole thing So the mexicanes all that stuff ain't pretty either, but it's uh, you know a lot of history here

I uh, I die I digress So we find the place I mean, this is the the little chimney with the curl of smoke a wood Shack with the metal roof would smell it. Yes, you pull in And I mean they got the license plates on the wall this george bush You know with the signed photo of the owner shaking hands with george bush senior by the way Oh god, it's the better bush the bus. Yeah, great bush Um still a bad bush, but a better bush. I like it shaved

But either way, uh, try to get your big noggin in that cup. I didn't think so necklace What'll happen though? He'll knock it over. I think yeah, the cats can problem solve. He's a knocker. Oh back to the well Hey, yep, what a piece of shit absorbing Okay, so uh No absorb, but Just the best barbecue and it was one of these places where I was like, I don't know what I want the guy He's always like, I hate this guy. He's gay. You know, he's got a big cowboy hat on He's got spurs and a belt buckle, you know tucked in plaid shirt tight jeans

And he owns the plate and all his daughters are working there. All these. Oh my god Greasy ladies are just like doing the register and you see him stirring a big pot of beans in the back got an eye patch and a Limp. Are they cute? They feel cute in my mind. Oh Because I was picturing cute. Oh, no, it's all a bunch of delta birk cunts and uh, rosy o'Donnell's back there Yeah, a seat section scar and a lot of uh, a lot of finger licking and stuff like that. So Either way Great barbecue and I couldn't pick the guy was I'm gonna give you a little everything. I'm gonna give it And he was so aggressive. I was like, okay, sir

Then I blew him and then the food was great. He gave us an extra rib Everything was amazing that we packed up morale is high and drove to brian Can I just say I know I'm an asshole mccount. Everybody hates me. I'm the worst part of the your life, but I hate these guys. I I'll decide what you'll eat. Don't worry about it. I'm like, can I just choose my food? I hate these people. You need to have this you gotta have that but I don't like that I know but you haven't had it here and I'm like, all right fine, but I don't like pickles. So don't give me the pickle I'm so with you. I yeah, but he gave me a little everything and I'm not too choosy with the foodie So I went for and it was all great and the guy was super nice. I wish I could remember the name of the place

but Hot time summer in the city. So here's my brian story First night brian gangbusters. We bust a hit every bar in town We just did a bunch of shots headlocks nuggies punched a guy in the face grabbed a glit got out of there Then we go to this one bar called 101 We show we got a big group now. We got the producer the opener the couple audience members couple local comics And it's we're drunk. We're playing cornhole. We're dancing to the music and uh We're drinking and this one guy gets a little little rowdy

Oh boy, and you're a group or a different group different group Uh-huh, and these are big texas folk out there, you know, so if a guy's getting ratted. It's kind of bold china shop Situation here not to mention there's open carry out there. Isn't there? I think they got guns Oh, baby. Maybe this is a little kippy kippy college town. So I don't know. I don't know but Either way the bartender's she's tough. She's like a cowgirl, you know Cornbread eating gum guzzler lady, you know, so she's not taking any shit. She's like, hey Get get off the table get your feet off the table whatever it is and he's like, uh blow me and then these guys they You can't talk about a lady down there. It's old school. Oh, right lady guys

I know those guys they start pushing him around the bouncer guy And then he starts pushing the bouncer and they're both big guys. So this is like, oh, this is an even fight here What's gonna happen? Now the whole bar Gets behind the bouncer and they picked this guy up and throw him out. Oh, wow It was amazing. Like jazzy jeff. Yeah, it was like, uh, like if the whole town came together and they're all on the Good side and this is the bad guy and we got to stop it and we we don't call the cops. We do it ourselves Wow, that's fun. It was like community. It was fun to see there was no tweeting and uh, let me cancel this guy

I was like hey Fuck this guy whoop and that was it. Wow, that's old school It was old school and it was fun to watch and I heard the guy went back the next day and apologized He's like, yeah, it's just small town Thinking and it was it was fun to see because you don't see that anymore. We got to take everything public now You called me a Jew so now I got to talk about it on the view and then you get yelled at, you know, I spew Yeah

My goo but that sounds fun and it feels like the kind of place where he's back there Like you said the next day and he's like I had a weird night and they're like I have the boys want to fight. You better let them, you know, like that kind of Exactly. Boys are back in town kind of scene. That sounds great. It was great He had a black eye and that was the only thing black in the town, but it was just a fun Fun visual. I got to just sit back. I got my tequila like, well, look at this. Holy shit. I mean, I didn't help anybody, but uh Great time and then here's the the the list the list of mania right here So now we got a quandary

I got a 10 a.m. Flight out of out of uh, houston the next day I could have flown out of collar station, but it's 17 connections and right, you know, the whole thing $8 million more money. So I go I got a 10 a.m. Flight out of houston and so andrew's the opener says, well, you could just sleep at my house Or we could just sleep here and drive in the morning But we have to leave at five You know, because it's a two hour drive then you get there at Seven then you got to get to the houston airport an hour early. Whatever it was. So I said, well, let's just go back that night Yeah, why not? Well, that you know, that's hard for some people because it's late

Yeah Got a couple cocktails a couple cocktails and you did two shows and you sold merch and you took photos So some people were like I gotta I gotta hit the hey, I'm sorry and he's it's his car So he'd probably do all the driving right it's hard because it's the thing we talked about. It's just your problem Yes, nobody else gives a shit. It's like the old parking in the city thing They're like, it's fine. Don't worry about it. You're good. Don't worry because you know, they don't have to pay the ticket They don't have to get up. What do they give a fuck? That's why I feel even worse because it's all It's my shit that he's got to help me with and I know he's the opener and that's part of the deal

But I don't really I don't love that. I don't I don't feel good about that That's why you got to pay for the meals and the gas and all that just to kind of smooth it over but Yeah, so we drove back that night we get to houston And it's probably like one in the morning now two in the morning not bad not bad Flights at 10 get there at nine wake up at eight So, you know, we got a couple hours and then I don't know what came over us We're like, man, we did all those shows. We never ate Oh boy, and I'm like, well, I can just suck it up. I'll eat in the morning. Whatever and he was like, I'd like to eat

I was like, I would like to eat but what are we gonna do? It's two in the morning in houston And there it is in the distance the glow taco bell Oh God taco bell. I'm not proud of it. Oh my you're in texas eating taco bell. Well, nothing's open Oh boy So we go to taco and now you start thinking about all those high school with a bell beef or the bell grande

The the chib chalupa. Oh boy, and you get a little mouth watery So then we go to taco bell The line is out the ass. It's 18 cars deep right the one place open Exactly. I've had that in the road so many times. You're like, I'm gonna go to mcdonald's I don't like to eat mcdonald's but fuck it. I'll stuff a double quarter pounder at my ass And you go over there. There's 48 cars. Then you go. Fuck it. We'll eat at 7 11 get some peanuts Right, right. We should have done that because once you get in line. I'm going Ah, maybe it's a bad idea the clock's ticking everybody. There's that one coups up there

I said no sour cream. You piece of shit fucking Kweef whatever so that's a problem and it finally starts going now You got a guy behind you. So now you really can't leave. You're kind of committed. The whole thing took about 50 minutes Oh, I'm eating over here. Then you got to go to the house and eat Right, that's another half hour. Then you got to try to fall asleep But you think about your childhood and you cry and then you finally get an hour of sleep to get on the play Brutal the the no sleep flying is brutal. I just can't stand it and sleep is so Crucial, it's why I'm shoving talent lpms and benadryl at my ass every 10 minutes because same you want to sleep

I want to sleep but You just have that thing and I had the same thing when I was leaving austin Tarantinoing it backwards, but Well, you're leaving austin the same thing 7 a.m. Flight because you want to get out of there and you have a 5 a.m. Pick up Yes, and I can't go to bed at 9 p.m. What am I an asshole? So I'm up till one and then yet that alarm goes off and you know, it's bad because you have that wake up It's like Like I'm literally shaking and are we just

Fucking ripping the craziest farts all night because I wake up earlier than normal My farts are just like that's true You got like crazy cartoon farts and it makes me think if I set an alarm Or whatever at five in the morning or someone filmed me sleeping Am I just shitting my pants from like four to seven? Because when I wake up, I'm just firing out like the wildest like wily coyote farts. I wonder what that is I don't know. It's it's wacky. Yeah, when you get less sleep. You're really really passing some air biscuits I mean, I got like andre the giant like

Like the cat. Oh, it's not the first fart that this fucked the cat up, but it's true. You know, I had the same Thing when you're just and then the next day you're just all off and you feel There's all those studies like lack of sleep is like drug It's the equivalent of driving and you're like startled. You should I look like fucking the dumb cat here I know. Yeah, he's hammered. He's sleeping drinking water out of a bowl and uh stretching fall asleep He's a mess. He hates Palestine, but it's a whole thing. But yeah, you're right. The the farting with the with the uh With the waking up early wait, you got one What? Oh, I thought you're gonna fart. No, I was checking the uh the ad situation and but also when you you talk about drinking all night

Then waking up early Taco bell and then no sleep you are waking up like Oh, oh boy, and that ain't for that sun hits you and you got the meat sweats and then you're breathing out that fire sauce Yuckaroo. Well, I think I'm still triggered from the drinking days all those like flying hungover No sleep is the worst activity That I've experienced in my life and it's just the worst everybody night. You'll sleep on the plane What are you kidding me? I'm sitting up like this my head's dropping I'm puking in my own mouth and I'm shitting blood

No, I've never slept on a plane ever once in my whole life But hey, I'll tell you what I have done folks. I have used Manscaped Tuesday's Histories is brought to you by manscaped man. There's keep sending us a ton of great stuff Oh, yeah, wake the kids and call the neighbors. This is a public service announcement folks It is finally here. I think it's right over there the lawnmower 4.0 This is the best below the belt trimming system in the world. That's right folks

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College station a and m the 12th man my asshole bleeds, but when I shit That's the other thing that you got me into college. He took me to georgetown once and the eight And so I took andrew and we went to a and m For campus we rented scooters. We rent all over the town all over the college. I love a camp We sat and watched a uh attract meet. Oh, that's so fun. I'm all about campus all the shirts I wear all campus. I got iowa state. I got iowa up my ass. I got uh You you have w and ucla and the other one. Yeah. Yeah go aggies or anals or whatever the hell it is But uh, yeah good times love love a campus love college love uh young women childbearing hips and

yoga pants Anyways, I don't know what to go with here. I got a few things But I want to just touch on this one thing because I was so Excited and I don't know if this is a story or what but please so I had a comedy seller spot We're starting to come back as you know as you've seen I mean, I don't know about where you're coming in from but new york city's 60% vaccinated or whatever I don't give a fuck. I got my vaccine game over. I still wear the mask Well, they want me to wear the mask because I care about rules and society but sure

I've been making out with homeless Men on the streets. Oh, yeah, I'm pumped. I mean it's as good as over to me as far as I'm concerned So same here the comedy seller. I had a spot monday night and I'm walking up and it's a late night and I'm leaving the next day for austin and I'm nervous because uh You got rogan and the thing I was gone for a week the whole thing So I get to the seller and it's a quiet monday night I'm walking in and I just hear some music and the band is back gnome is playing with some guy named

Nick Casavetes or some kind of greekish italian name and then there's a third guy But in the old days and the weekends the band would play and the village underground used to be a music club Where gnome and his band and these are like world-class musicians. Oh, yeah, I come in. I'm early from my spot Like we're running behind and it's quiet. There's only a few people there I grab a booth put my feet up and I tell the host eric newman I said, I'll be right here when you need me and I really just took some music in first live music I've seen in over a year and I go to a lot of shows a lot of concerts white reaper coming up

You should come to white reaper. I'm down for some reaper. Have some fun John reaper aria and his girl are out of town because he's an asshole. So maybe you come in Yeah, you reap with you so but anyways, so I sat there and watched and I almost started crying I had my feet up and everyone's clapping along and they're taking requests and he's got the mandolin out And maybe when I dust off the mandolin which I was playing six months ago I used to take lessons. I stopped taking lessons because I'm gay and I can't follow through with anything Because I'm a piece of shit and I got a small dick I'm gonna say but I gotta get better as well. My god. I mean like just to watch

Real world-class musicians no mask in a nightclub It felt like it could have been any decade and they were wailing and gnomes smiling and laughing the guy's laughing You know when musicians look at each other, you know, I mean a comic a comic never gets to look at another guy I guess little podcast you look whatever. I don't like the eye contact. It's no good. We never look but don't look I'm staring over here. The cat scares me. Anyways, I gotta keep an eye on him But I got a window but they keep looking and they're laughing You're like, why are they laughing who even knows and I'm tapping my toes and I didn't even want to go on They're like you're up and I'm like I'm watching them play stevie wonder and they kicked ass

They're good. They're really good It just felt I wanted to just throw my ankles over my heads and blew myself until I shit my pants and And then I was like I got to go back to play in mandolin, which I guess I haven't done since then But whatever I'm never gonna be that good and then I had to have this moment of like, why are you beating yourself up? Just enjoy that. He's good. Who cares. Where's the joy? I'm this other guy. So I joined and I sent him an email and I was like that was the best night of my life I had to like edit it because I was like too much blowing them. I'm like, you're the best person I've ever seen in my life I I can't believe you have a comedy club. I want to eat your ass out with a fucking nickel

That's what doesn't even make sense So that I sent him an email I was like your world class and that was great and he's like, this is the nicest email I've ever got Maybe feel good dopamine all kinds of dopamine shooting out of my asshole But man, it was special to just watch you forget the little things with all this coveted shit And to just watch musicians play in the village here here. What a night. It was magical the next day I flew to austin and that was fun. I was there for six days Did rogan got accosted told that story already

And then I had sarah couldn't come because she was in royer third with adrian But all her siblings live in austin and her mother came up to visit That's a bummer. So I said, hey, I'll be a good husband. I'm gonna go hang out with the in-laws. Wow You're a they're a nice man. Well, they're good people. They're fun. They're nice people and they're a good time So her sister she set up a trip to barton springs, which never been to barton springs I've spent like two months of my life in austin and for some reason this is where i'm such an idiot Barton springs this sounds far away. Doesn't this sound far bartons? Yes. Yeah, barton Maybe but spring. I don't know. It doesn't sound far. How can something sound far?

Hey, I feel like you can meet me halfway here. It's a city. It's a city springs I see you're in a metropolitan area. There's a big capital building the skyscrapers And so when someone says springs, you don't think it's Down the street. I mean you got to admit that's true That's a natural spring in a downtown metropolis. Right. We got cement right here strange. Yeah, that's why you guys go Hey, i'm going hiking. I go that's gonna be a 30 minute car ride plus a hoof in it Then you got the sweat and then the juice. I just can't do it. So I get it now with the springs. So my whole life they kept saying I appreciate you. That was nice

Well, I kind of move I've been To the spring so I know how not far it is so then I had to regroup to a non-nore But you see what I mean with the sounds I get the sounds Barton springs. I mean, there's no springs in Manhattan No, there's there's uh, poland springs. Yeah, you gotta buy it's like six bucks a whack now by the way They kill you on the raping but the hot dog guy I think because they're european or african or wherever they're from You can still do the walk away with them the walk away. I'm like, I got a bottle of water He's like it's four bucks my friend and i'm like, ah nevermind. He's like two bucks. What do you get?

And i'm like, I appreciate it. I love the walk away because cvs. You can't do the walk away Right the problem with the gays though. I do the walk away. They keep coming What the gays want to fuck you? Yeah, I walk by gate eight gate bars to get home I got a tap dance and jump over cox and one guy goes come on buddy. I go. I'm good. I'm good. He goes Playing hard again. I go. No, I'm not playing the walk away So I just end up blowing them walk again, but But cvs if they go it's eight bucks for a water. You can't uh, say blow me you gotta anyways, it doesn't matter So barton springs it always sounded far away. I never went

I didn't realize it was down the street and now you're gonna make a reservation because of covet So she says we'll pick you up mom and I and uh, so her mother comes up and They pick pick me up at the uh, the hotel I get myself a tea and a book and we go over there and I'd never been We brought blankets. She brought snacks the whole thing. We sat by the water I swam in the natural pool. It's cold water or chili water, which is so funny because I've probably talked about this before but I'm from new england. So all these texas people the southern people no offense They're like careful. The water's cold. I don't go in. It's so freezing. I get in. I'm like, this is delightful because I've been

From Maine. I've been swimming in ocean water. That's 48 degrees in the summer. I'm with you. I don't like the cold water I'll do it, but I'm not into it. So I I love it. It doesn't bother me at all. So I go in I'm swimming and it's spiritual It's a natural pool is like this film and algae on the bottom and just a perfect day and the women It's which is weird because you're with your sister-in-law and your mother-in-law And you're trying to be a good boy. I'm like, well, I love my way and then there's like these women walking by and I'm like Well, I'm gonna go take a walk. I'll be right back. I gotta go meditate or whatever But I'm beating off in the bushes, but yeah, you got a natural spring coming out Exactly, but great hang with the mother-in-law. This lets you feel like a good boy. You're getting points

I've never heard that sentence and a great conversation. Then of course her sister's so good because she knows Well, she's a good host. Yes. So she goes and then we're going to magnolia. I know you love magnolia. So I mean I just stick a high heel in my ass and come in my own face. I love magnolia So I go over to magnolia cafe and we have a great lunch. They have the best case. So I've ever had in my life I love a case. So I'm throwing that on my balls and just a great day and then this is the best So we're gonna have a family dinner Uh-oh, and you know how it goes when you're still not done with the fan. I feel like you did your part Well, so here's the thing. This is a lot of fam. So then her sister. I just I just adore. I love her. I'm so grateful

She's like, all right. Well We'll drop you off at the hotel. I'm gonna go back and rest and nap and then we'll pick you back up for dinner So I'm like Yes That's what I need. How did you know? Unbelievable this broad. She sounds like a keeper. You married the wrong Coach she drops me off and I'm like god almighty. I'm like if you feel so good because I'm having a great time It's not stressful, but you're like

9 a.m. To 9 p. That's a 12 hour hang So I go home. I nap. I rest. I relax. I shower. I go to the pool. I got the pool to myself Recharge totally recharge. They picked me back up and I'm like, I'll take an uber. She's like, what are you kidding? You're a guest picks me up We go to torches tacos because the the niece works the torches Oh, you got the niece hookup the niece hook up. Well, there was no hookup But she came over the whole family's there and that was exciting and the and the brothers are big rogan fans That was exciting

There we go, which is always a little nerve wreck is on rogan. I'm like, yeah, I'm here. My wife's here I'm gonna fuck all her brothers in the ass and I think that's funny. He doesn't get the joke and then they listen to it And they're like, what's going on here one of the same thing But anyway, so went out to dinner that felt great great hang there and then they're like we're going for a big walk We walk around the river Saturday mornings and I go I'll come for the walk They pick me up again We go for the walk and it feels so nice to like belong with a family. That's not your family It feels so touching our family stinks too. It's not their normal family there

Exactly and then they'll be like our family's kooky, huh? And I'm like, uh, you don't even know the half of it I'm like, I'll do anything to be part of this family. Yes. Don't get me started. You haven't dittled me yet This is an already an upgrade So great family bonding just a great time and I'm sorry some of my stories sometimes are just gratitude That was beautiful. It was delightful a lot of laughs and they're funny people So you're having a good laugh and I love that break though We'll drop you off. I'm like, god, I want to blow you we're introverts We need to to be alone for two minutes just to get it cooking again

And uh, it's kind of like a boner. You bang your gal and then she's like, oh, that was great. You want to go again? I'm like, you've got to give me a halfie here or a bluetooth. That's a hell of a problem to have I'm a 24 hour minimum between sex. Oh, okay. My wife's never been like, you want to fuck again? That's ridiculous Oh, really? No, I think she gets a uti. Whatever that school is and brian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I hear you but uh I think it's the Aggies but either way, uh, you need a minute to come back to life and get it going again And it's it fascinating that there's people out there who can do the nine people. They'd be like break What are you talking about? Why do you need to break? Well, that's my family This is the difference between my family and sarah has to deal with. I try to be mindful of it sarah's family

might be different in many many ways alcoholism is a big one from starter But they my family Was it 10 cents there? There's 15 cents on the floor. What's going on over there? Try to pay for the pod by the way, I got Jesus they got his leather I gotta say I was so resistant to video for so long But if you're not watching this you're missing out on a lot of gags All kinds of gags. I just dropped gum out of my mouth here folks. This is soaked as a napkin here

Oh, get the nap. You're good the cat. Oh, watch the cat. The cat owns the table. That's his table Easy big fella. There we go. By the way subscribe to the youtube my fucking father has more youtube subscribers on this podcast I know what the hell I was a keeper There I keep the change you built the animal but That was like it spilled I sat on a juice box. Oh, but wow the cat took it took it to the lair But uh, yeah, good time that live music thing. I told you something about live music

It's special. Look, we can all hear a tune on the radio But when you hear that guy strumming the old banjo right in front of your peepers, it's a beautiful thing Plus you can see the finger doesn't make sense. I mean the guy's 58 years old his fingers are moving Faster than uh, my career is going down the shitter. It's just I'm like, this is insanity. I can't believe it. I know it just unbelievable and just a great Trip to austin and by the way sunday. I'll just real quick I stayed an extra day because I knew I was gonna be stressed because I did Oh, I forgot about the shows two shows at the paramount

So many tuesdays sold out both with with covid restrictions, but I'll take it Yeah, so not packed feels because I think people like well, they're gonna be like it wasn't sold out There's 75 empty seats next to me, but with the restrictions. It was packed not your fault gays came appreciate it Love you. It felt so cool to have the name and lights right downtown You got that right and I I booked an extra day because I knew I was gonna be tired and I went back to south congress Went to magnolia again. They said 45 minute wait. I said, I don't care. I had the socks game screaming I sat outside and just felt so grateful great time and then just real quick. Yeah, please So I went out and I walked all over south congress had this great day

It was beautiful then I went back to the hotel swam worked out and it was like 6 30 and I'm like Do I want to go back? It's still nice out, but I'm like, I can't just sit here for six more hours No, and so I was like fuck, but I was scared because there's all these crazy fucking homeless And I'm like, I feel like I'm gambling every time I go out there Can't you get out of that area get an oob? That's what I did. I went I ubered to zilker park at sunset I bought a new camera. I took some photos and then I was taking photos having a nice time. Hey salad cubes And I'm walking under the bridge and I see a crowd of people like a hundred people on the the knoll I'm like they're watching the bats. I love the bats. I forgot about the bats the bats

So I lay down a piece of grass is like three smoking hot cowgirl women right in front of me And I started they started chatting me up like you know what time the bats come I know what time I come it's in five minutes. Yeah, let's get covered the bats So we sat there and watched the bats and it's like spiritually They just like the 500,000 bats. I don't know how many bats but I watched the bats and I walked back And then I was like, I don't want to watch the homeless and scary. They almost accosted me But I went, ah, what are you doing your queef shut up? Who cares and walked through it was totally fine There you go. Best best trip of my life. I loved it. Wow

Man, that is a beautiful story It's nice being alone and doing that kind of stuff too sometimes because you had all the family You had all the shows you entertained 800 people literally and then you're like, all right. This is a me time sunset some uh, some terrifying corona ridden Rabbit, uh, what do you call it rodents? What is a bat? I think it's an amphibian. It's not a mammal Maybe it's a yeah, maybe it's not a bird or a plane. It's superman. Uh, What is it not a road? Is it a rodent? I don't think it is a rodent. I think it's I don't I never know those

amphibians Croatian, I don't know, but they're cuter than you think bat's got a bad name. No, look at I follow the I started following the thing Austin bat sanctuary or some bullshit. They're kind of cute. They're pink and like Oh, we gotta get you laid buddy, but either way good times, uh I had a weird thing and I know we gotta wrap this puppy up. No, no go fuck it with the condom here, but So I did a Hartford, Connecticut with the old Doug Key. We did a quiff check that out that we did a car quiff like old days and uh Fun weekend good good room good crowds Tuesdays came out the whole thing Connecticut's fun because

I feel like I'm there every two minutes. You see when you drive in you drive out Yes, you know, you drive there the day of the show you get right in about a bing about a boom Then we did two shows saturday and sold them out sold shirts and just jumped in the car and went home That's a good feeling. I love it in and out Love it in and out burger and a decent movie with kevin kline, but uh, I had a moment in the hotel that really was uh, Kind of significant. Oh boy. So, you know, I'm in this shit box hotel, you know, it's like a Fairfield in or whatever the fuck it's called right and uh, you know, it's shit breakfast and bad coffee and ugly people and So the last day I'm packing up all my stuff to go

Bring the suitcase to the car to go to the club and then we go home after So You ever have this in a hotel we're in hotels a lot I got the suitcase in my hand the duffel I walk out and I'm in show attire So I got like a button down on and whatever my hair is quaffed. I just got out of the shower I'm walking down the hallway and then these two gals like I don't know eight Eight years old come out of their room and now we're in the hallway together, which is fine But they're kind of like, uh, who's this old guy? What's going on here?

And then we both go to the elevator and they're like Uh, I don't think they're scared or anything, but they're like, he's an adult Right. Things are weird now. Sure. And I I was aware of this and I'm I'm not an adult. I'm a fucking Tarduce, you know who am I? I'm about to go tell dick jokes for an hour and drink tequila and shit my pants But they don't know that they see a taller guy. I mean taller than them They're like this tall and they see a taller guy who looks maybe kind of serious. I got a, you know, briefcase thing a suitcase We get in the elevator and they're like, oh boy terrified

Oh god, not terrified like I'm gonna snatch them, but they're just like That's an adult male Mr. Mr. Johnson's here and I was like, uh, I just stood there and I was like, do I make a joke? Should I not say anything these kids they looked at me as this as if I was the principal, right? Yeah, it's a weird feeling. We're weird. We're adults. We're adult men and it bothered me I was like, well, no, I want to be like, no, no, I probably like the same cartoons you do I got I got a fucking gack in my pocket and you know, I'm like I got playing cards I like uh, like I got a slingshot back here like I'm nobody right and that's even worse because if you try to make friends with them

It's even shittier. We're yeah, it's weirder. So I just you know, it's it's three floors down the elevator So I just stood there as a guy would and uh the door opened. I said, hey, you you kids uh Scared Scamper Scamper and they bolted out of that elevator and then they had all their gal friends in the lobby And they were doing like a little slumber party or some shit, but it was a bummer to be the old guy now Yeah, we're adults. We're men and I it's it's weird and I got like gray shit I'm like pal ripkin over here and we're assholes. We're almost 40 years old and It's weird and then you think like we're older than our teachers were

Like teachers that were like old men. It's very bizarre because I got teachers and or whatever People uncles that are like still around now and they look to me. They look like young ish Yeah, so you're like they must have been like 25 when we were teenagers. Yeah, but you saw them as adults Yeah, I saw them as old men. So we're we're old bags. I mean, it's almost all over for us It's all over and I can't wait for at the end But uh, I remember I saw a photo of my dad recently just randomly found a box of photo Which is like out of a dumb rom-com. I'm like, oh, I got a glass of wine. I'm in a 90 You know, it's like Bridget Jones diary over here and I found a photo and I looked at the back of it

Remember the back of the photo had the little date printed on you'd write things. Yeah It was like a Walgreens Develop photo and I look on the back and it was something something I did the math And my dad was 33 in the photo and he's got me down here And I'm you know scruffy and douchey and I'm a dirty skin skinny and I got the weird ring around the collar and He's got a full black suit on a had a black hair and a briefcase and shiny black shoe He was a lawyer

Right. I'm like this guy's 33. He's a homeowner with two young kids and a and a dumb wife and I'm like I'm 37. I live in a shoebox. I talk about my asshole on a mic a microphone. I know time marches on it's strange But uh, but I mean you minimize the we're in a shoebox and an asshole But hey, we pursued a dream. We're making a nice living. So that's not bad But that's good because I get fucked up because I'm like He's old now. He's towards you, but he had his prime His time is to be old now and then we'll have our time. That's old. You know, I mean, it's all your time I don't know what that means

Well, I feel like I'm sitting there going god. This guy's 70 years old. I don't know how old he is now your dad But you're like he's 70. He can't walk as well. He doesn't have the black hair anymore. Look at him here He's so young and full of life. It's unfair. It's crazy. But you're like, well, that was just his time to be in his prime And young and healthy or whatever. And it was his dumb decision to have two kids like an idiot But now he's all that's his time to be old, but he's still not dying and then he'll be dying It'll be his time to be dying I guess so I guess to him having those two kids in a home and a Like he's in a in a in a courtroom going. I object at 37. Isn't that crazy? That's insane

I mean, I don't even understand that it doesn't I can't even wrap my head around I know it's wild and I'm and but I mean you could say the same like this guy was at the paramount theater ripping it in front of 400 Clams like that's crazy too in a way. It's all Perspective. Yes, I mean there's times like this weekend. I was at Mohegan's son and there's times where I'm like There's all there's there's some people you could be like, wow Like there's a bunch of people here to see me. They know me. They listen to me. They appreciate I'm a part of their lives, but then I'm like

That's a lot of empty seats. I'm at a casino. What am I doing? I've been coming here for 15 years This is pathetic. Everyone's in a wheelchair. They're fat. It smells weird. I lost 300 bucks like an asshole Right. There's that too. You know, I I don't I can't play the mandolin. Noem's good at it You know this it's all perspective. It is it is. Yeah, we and we got to be great This this wacko is listening to this right now while jerking it or driving to Poughkeepsie or whatever the hell it is beating their wives So Yeah, I mean we've accomplished a lot even on the tonight show you have tonight show

Letterman Conan a couple times the other one who's the other guy there? They Cordon Cordon that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's something I guess but But then you think no wonder we're scared of having kids or you don't even want kids I think about it sometimes but I thought about it Well, no wonder, but if I'm in an elevator and it's bothering me that these two tykes are are like, oh god an adult I'm like, how the fuck am I gonna stomach the idea of actually Raising it. Well, that's your kid. That's a lot easier. I guess

You like the kid you love the kid the whole thing. I just can't I don't know if I can go. Hey, sonny sit down quiet down It's very strange. It's odd. It's very odd. No, I've had I spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews. You have to discipline them It's uncomfortable. You're like, what am I doing? Who cares? Yeah, they're at the restaurant They're blowing bubbles and that somebody's going. Hey, hey, come on. You know, like, uh, let them blow the bubbles I don't know right. Well, that's the kind of parent you can be you gotta I guess Choose your battles and your assholes and figure out when to finger them and when not to That's that's the big question. But uh, maybe one of the perks of having a kid But uh, either way, thanks for listening. We gotta wrap this puppy up with a bow. We'll see in hell

What do you got some dates cooking there? It's lovely. Yeah, I think so. Well, I'm in Royersford tomorrow with uh, Matt Wayne again big Special guest if you know what I mean, I think you do he is fat and uh, Jordan Jensen will be there as well Fun little group there. Yep. The big group good group big four and james madden will be there So it's gonna be a great time. I got a couple new things and I gotta I gotta bring the guest because I only write three minutes a month. I know it's tough and they these uh, these kooks. They hear it all so Yeah, so uh, soul joles Royersford tomorrow night, and then I'm in Des Moines in Kansas City in june

I know only the exact dates but uh, Check the websites. I'll be there and then uh, check out Joe and ron on it's on youtube I know you hate ron on and they don't have to keep telling me he's terrific. He's very smart. He's very funny He's a brilliant comic and uh, we just did jaws and Jurassic park, which was fun. I hate Jurassic park I think it's a piece of shit Jaws is the best movie ever and some guy wrote to me. He's like, let me guess you and run on hate jaws I'm like, are we putting out that vibe? I'm like, I think we're we hate the right movies if you ask me Well, of course if you ask you but what can I just ask in a one sentence?

What do you not like about Jurassic park the script? It's horrible. It's cliche. It's ridiculous and it's it's for it's for kids I'll say this it's for kids. It's a movie for kids And I think I summed it up perfectly on the podcast go check it out Jaws he Steven Spielberg is like, I'm gonna make the best movie ever Jurassic park He was like, I'm gonna make the biggest movie ever And that's the difference well The book Jurassic park is supposed to be amazing. It was this thick. I couldn't I pretended to read it I have one of those guys was like, I read it. It was crazy. It was that thick

Yeah, my mom loved it as a kid. She's a she's a kooky nerd, but uh, yeah, all right, so The script is bad. I think it's uh, it's terrible. It's goofy. It's silly. The premise is great The premise is great. Well, here's the thing. I mean, I don't want to redo the whole podcast go check it out, but you know Ba ba ba ba Newman's fun Newman's great. Wait, what was I gonna say about it? Newman's fun. Uh, uh, what's his name is so sexy Gold bloom gold bloom. Oh, that's a hot heave. Wait. What was the fucking thing? I was gonna say the movie the script Sam Neil

Shit, well, that's what it was like a jaws is for adults and that's why it's great If they made Jurassic park for adults, it would probably be great Interesting like a like a fucking scary weird horrible, but they made it for kids. I thought it was scary as a kid Yeah, but I saw it when I was 10 Right and ron had the good point that only the shitty people get killed which makes it less scary Good point. Good point. Yeah, that's so hollywood too. Right, but anyways, he ate the lawyer Check it out. That was a good tease though. I think that'll people be that is a tease. All right. All right You got me intrigued to my uh, spidey jizz is tickling. Is that it good on Dave? I think that's it. Yeah, I got nothing

I got a ton of cum guzzling dates coming. I got some rough ones and some good ones. Uh, we're doing virginia beach with fat chrysal We're doing uh, Toledo. We're doing uh, houston again. We're doing Okay, it's all on mark normandcomedy.com. Check it out. Check out our specials on youtube We got albums on the spotifies the pandoras the grinders and uh, yeah, praise all uh, thanks for listening Get on that page off. You're not you're missing out. It's about to to the moon, baby It's insane. Great stuff on there. We were lying before we're like conan tonight actually is good. Yes here here Remember to always do that bit. Yeah, good bit every night. Do that bit. Yeah, I'm gonna go this time. I mean All right, thank you

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