Tuesdays with Stories! - #404 Shit on Shit

Episode Date: June 8, 2021

It's hot one outside and on this ep as Joe see's Colin Quinn and Chris Rock at the Cellar before a ketchup emergency while Mark's home becomes the scene of a shit crime before a trip to SoulJoel's with ol' Ari Shaffir Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Native (nativedeo.com/stories or use code: STORIES), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: TUESGAYS), BLUBlox (blublox.com/tuesdays), Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), & Sunday Lawn Care (getsunday.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey, hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by sheath underwear, you know we love them I'm wearing them right now. I Love them. They split the dick and the balls. You got a little pouch for your shaft Finally a little breathing room between those two guys. It's like Palestine and Israel They're next to each other, but they don't always get along and you got to let them breathe Great-looking feel good sexy the ladies love them. They also have some lady gear and Yeah, just get some support down there folks It's a hot summer and you're gonna be sweating and stick it and swamping

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They'll make it into your specifications high quality lenses not mass produced and they come in a ton of styles Tell them how to get it Marcus. Whoo support blue blocks because they support the twos gaze Get 20% off with code Tuesdays at blue blocks dot com slash Tuesdays. That's B. L. U. B. L. Oh x dot com slash Tuesdays Blurl for 20% off Blue blocks dot com slash Tuesdays and use Tuesdays promo code for 20% off today Hey mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do great good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag

Surf's up And she didn't even flush knock knock. Who's there? Park Norman and Joe less. Yeah, it's Tuesdays with stories everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy Hey everybody welcome to another Tuesdays with Stories, I don't know how many episodes this is three thousand four thousand eight thousand six hundred I think it's actually four hundred and four. Yeah, we just hit four hundred. Can I move this a little bit? 150 degrees bear of a bitch look at Greg died unfortunately. Yeah, we skinned it bath water. Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's uh

He's a main coon so it's some good fur there. We can use that in the winter like an Eskimo. Oh boy No, I can't help but notice you got the AC unit in there. It's cooking. Oh, but you got a crack in the window over there What's going on with the window crack? It's letting all the cool air out. You're right I should close the crack put a little Boudreau's butt paste in there, but the cat loves the crack. Oh, it's the cat crack. That's a crack head. Yeah, crack fever Cat crack corn and boy he cares. He'll just sit up there and put his little dick out of the out of the crack Just to get some air on it. It looks like he's smoking over there. He's gonna, you know a pack of Paul a paw malls That's okay. Thanks. Maybe it's not bad. How about this Paul mall?

Well, because they maul you yes Alrighty both weren't great, but we tried and that's what it's all about life As I think about it paw mall is better than a Because that's the mall I got I see someone should make an ad like a little cartoon thing My pond or the other guy gets a martyrs queef on that to drop a cat pond and smoking a nice Jazz cigarette, but yeah, the cat likes a little fresh air. It sits there and I'll just get out of it So it's like like the house is on fire. He's trying to get some real some real snuff the air conditioner made me think the other day I feel like a real man

So I had the gig on the Upper East the canner show PS one or nine a couple Tuesdays came out I want to hear all about it fatty. Well, it was quite a night, but so our AC We forgot last summer our air conditioners started doing the crazies Yeah, it's just yeah, it sounds like a big bag of cunt and it would go It's one thing if it's loud and consistent loud like if you have a But it stays at that, but this is an inconsistent loud Oh It's like a bad jazz record exactly it's bad jazz AC

Slater, so we we've completely forgot so this year all of a sudden it's a hundred and fifty degrees We stick that in there and it sounds like you know, my mother's asshole the night after Thanksgiving So I gotta go get one when are we gonna get one no one wants to get an air conditioner Yeah, you just don't you don't want to do it nightmare So Sarah went off to you know go fly kites or whatever I had the gig on the Upper East I had to get there early because I'm producing the show along with Jason canner great comic check them out So I said, you know, I'm gonna do I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna grab the tiger by his asshole Get the car go to the garage pick up the car go to PC Richards right down the street from my house

Which we got your actually there remember I took it at PC Richards bulger was bulger there. Yeah, he was half in the bag, but he was there I took you over there. I mean I used to have that car. I was the most liberal Car guy of all time. I have to pick up the airport. You wouldn't take it. I couldn't do it to you I like it too much. I'd drive you back to the lower east. I said, hey, what am I doing? I got a car I want to hang I'm a sad loser with no friends. Yeah, you were the liberal car Queef well, I used to get in almost fist fights with Bargatze because he lived in Middle Village Queens and would drive me to a Story a sort of he'd be like, wow, this is that's no longer on my way over there

So he dropped me like in the middle of the projects in like Queensbridge because he's like I'd have to take a left And drive down there. Oh a left. What's the difference? It's an eight block radius. It's Astoria It's one of the things we'd fight about but God bless him one of the best comics in the world close friend. I haven't seen him in a long time But I wish I could anyways, so I drive everywhere to the to the moon and back sure So anyways, I hop in the car drive to PC Richards and I think you're gonna be proud of this move I think you're gonna like this move. I got to get to the gig. We got to get to the party Yeah, we I want to look good for the party. We had to get to the gear

I had to get to the gig so I go to PC Richards and it's like the all of a sudden Heatwave And so everybody's in there and I walked up stood by the AC's just looked around made it clear I'm looking and there was a large African-American fellow spots me comes in he goes Can I help you and I said I'm looking I need an AC. I'm looking to be here the shortest amount of time I want to be the fastest customer. You've ever had ever. I want to set the record right now I love it and he's like I got you and I'm like I'm looking at this thing and I went price There was like 150. I'm like fuck you blow my dad. Yeah a 180. I'm like come on

Try to trick me. Uh-huh, then there's a 220. I'm like, maybe a couple years ago Oh, boy, then I see the 250 the 280 the 350 the 400 then there's like a 900 over there I don't even I think you check your email on it or something these BTU's or these dollars. Oh my god You're the threes. There's three no unit here. That thing's pennies. So I gave the 150 the finger I gave the 350 the finger. I stood in front of the 250. I said, I'm gonna set the record quickest guy ever What's this 250? How's that? Is that any good? He goes you got a small room? I go I got a small room. He goes the door stay closed. It's like door stays closed. He goes 6,000s enough I went I went pack me up send me out. He goes follow me

We go to the register he goes. What's wrong with the old one? I go. It's too noisy He's like click and he's like, what's your address boop-boop? He goes you've been here before Joseph I go. Yep. He goes neighborhood store, right? He's like the first place you go to I was like This is the first place I went to he's like love a neighborhood store. Don't you love a neighborhood store? I said I love a neighborhood store. This is taking too much time. He said no problem Give me the card. I stick the card in his ass. He goes go stand over there I go great and he gave me the pound he goes my man. I said my man. Wow I blew it up. He didn't he frowned he walked away. You never know if you blow it up

Especially with Palestine. I like to blow it up and then smell it, but I didn't go that far That's good. It's a corporation. Whatever. I like a nipple clip walk over They bring the thing out the guy goes if you wait a couple minutes, you know Pepe will stick it on the wheels and carried out. I said, I don't need no Pepe I grabbed it by the big plastic thing shoved it in the trunk. Yep, and then hopped in the car Went to Harlem where the show or not Harlem, but What is that? I don't know 99th. Yeah 110. I think it's horrible. Whatever. It's I don't know it's 99 there's a bunch of people and

Drove up there made it on time. I was the whole thing was eight minutes I love that I love when shit is quicker than it needs to be because everybody likes to dilly and dally They want to throw Pepe in your dick and then you got to meet the black guy But let me ask you this you're like Goldilocks with the AC over there. That one's too warm That one's too loud that one's too cheap Give me the big quiff. Well, I like to hit it in the middle. I mean the 150 that's gonna work for six weeks I mean, let's be honest if you go cheap. I think that's a 79 right there Well, I gotta tell you just from the one dialogue. This room's too big for an AC that's I think you're right

I think you're right. You need a sheet. We had this conversation at the last place You need a big sheet to wear on your head at night, but I gotta wear it to the meetings I think this AC but I have to say it's one of the hottest days in the history of my asshole and It's not bad in here. Okay. I'll tell you I let it run all day, but it is It is crazy humid out there. It's that jizzy film that gets on you and then it just sticks to you Yeah, it's tough and I just shot a hole that will I mean I'm kicking into two stories at once and I don't want to take up too much the people want to hear from you But I was just shot a video and I had a jacket too, but I mean it's 125 degrees full 10 bakers shirt jacket the whole thing

I mean, I haven't sweat this much since You know, I went to Selma and it sucks because you you like the suit you love a Ted bake But now you're sweating in it, but you don't want to wash it either now You got a dry clean or whatever the fuck for breeze Oh, it's horrible and then it gets raining. I'm just throwing it on the grass I don't care, but I know there's people that'll like you throw that in the fence. I noticed I'm like just fuck off I'll just bring it to the dry cleaner who care

Not my wedding. It's a dumb video, but you got a chain link with if it snags a hook and now you're torn your pocket Well, I'm the second most mad. I've ever seen my dad was when I threw his blazer on the floor Oh, he's like, you don't respect anything. You got no respect for people's property. I was like Yikes, I was like Nana just died. I can't have a minute. The first one was the Comedy Central special. I assume You got that right he hated it. I got this thing going to it. I got a doily I don't know what happened there. I don't know if that's a string loose or if it's got to be steamed or what Garter belt, it looks like you got a garter belt under there. I'm not sure but Well, I've had a I've had a wacky-dacky couple of days. I'll tell you that right now. I know a little bit about it

Oh, really? Well, I know you're in Virginia Beach Ah, yes, and then I know you flew home on Sunday because that's when you fly home Yes, and I know you were in Royorsford with Ari Yeah, so that's interesting to me to go to Virginia Beach to New York to Royorsford already has got my my tits tinkling It's it was a cluster fuck of a coup. Oh shit. Oh, you kicked the remote now We got the gay porn back on but hey nicely done some people if it's not they remote they're gone for a week Hold on. Let me see. What do I do here? I'm like, you don't have a remote. They're pretty standard It's a power button hit the power but uh, so just a weird tidbit

You know you we live in New York We live in an apartment building and you'll get an you get emails like hey the water's out or hey Joe blow on the third floor died and his piss is dripping down the stairwell or anything like that No emails. Well, I got a mom-and-pop shop over there. I got a Greek florist with one building He comes over he says hello you pay I have the best landlord in the history of New York Landlord's ever man That's rare because every landlord some Hasidic Jew and they want to cut your foreskin off and everything Well, this guy, I don't know. He's probably I don't know what he does in his private life Maybe ain't all he's Greek, but I mean nicest guy ever his daughter lives in the building

She's sweet as pie, but the new neighbors Steve and Katelyn almost got us kicked out They had a fucking party back there. Oh, no no good. They had a big party It was like cornhole over by the other building. There was a dog running around and they got spoken to Yeah, and I'm like hey your queefs. I reckon I stuck my ass out thinking you're two nerds that wouldn't cause any problems But like weekend number one they had their parents back there, you know smoking weed their booze in they were playing The hip-hop music. Oh boy one get Steve Rogers scaled the sidewall and jumped off it like stevo Man and don't get me wrong. You're at the party, right? Yeah, I was there That's funny. Like hey, you guys got to behave yourself whoo cornhole

Well, I was there for you know a shorter period of time and I left but who knows I think it's fine now It's all water under the taint. Well, we got we got the water shut off in the building for a couple hours Oh, God, sometimes I think a guy, you know wrecked his Mazda and he hit a water main coon or whatever happened But water just goes out and you don't even think about water. It's just everywhere you use the sink use the toilet You use the the other sink and you know I go in That's weird you get that gurgle from the faucet and they're like ah whatever that's weird maybe it's just a sink I don't know and then I was like I got a shit like you wouldn't believe so I go shit And it was one of those ones. It was just piled. Ah

It sits on itself go more pile. Yeah, it's like the total remember that total ad They were used to make fun of on a SNL with Phil Hartman. It was like you need 45 bowls of total. I don't remember but I can picture it. Yeah, okay So just it felt like that like you got out and it was like how is the shit somehow over the rim? Oh, I didn't hit my balls, but either way I was like all right Well, whoo good riddance all as well that ends anal flush Oh boy, so that's just the first half of the pickle we're in So, you know, it's hot as balls out. We're all

There's no water. We're thirsty. There's nothing in the fridge except, you know old soy milk and So we go well, let's go out. Let's go out. We go out to lunch We go to lunch. We get the big Thai food whatever and my gals got stomach issues So we don't think twice about it, but I'm just sitting there going man It's a huge turd boiling in my hot apartment just with the lid down So now she's eating all kinds of crab rangoon and you know egg rolls and Tony Hitchcliff menu and She's like, I got a I got diarrhea or whatever. So we have to run back, but we forgot Oh my word slams the door

I have to put on music cuz she shits like a wilder beast and it's like Sounds like Serena Williams in there serving What's that? She just lost What yeah young kazakhstani woman. Oh, wow, what where's the hell is that? I've never even heard of that city No, you heard it. It's Borat. Ah, Kazakhstan. Oh, you're right. It's the former USSR Yes, sir, that's what I read in the back of the DVD anyways She's kind of hot too honky. Yeah. Well, Kazakhstan. So she's you know pale

Okay, but I mean she smoked her Wow Yeah, in and out bang bang. Goodbye so long man. I thought she was the like the tiger. Well, she's 75 years old She's got tits the size of my fucking father's bowling balls huge cans on that broad giant cans movie festival But anyways, so you got your pile of shit now her wet ragout shit on top of your shit Yes, yes, they're gonna meet and meet and greet So I hear the door close I go I'll put on a little Billy Idol or Billy Joel or whatever the Cadillac and I just hear And I go wow she's really dropping a miscarriage in there what the hell's going on in the BR and I for I realized oh

She had to open the lid see the devil And then sit on top of it and push that shit down with her Now we got a Tetris game of feces the whole things bananas. Oh Shit on shit is so gross and then that shit can't flush those. Yes. Yes. No flush Oh my god She had to pry the lid down with a hydraulic jack and just clamp the thing shut because it was you know We had to smush it and I Gotta tell you it was a little awkward in here. I'm like you've seen my shit if shit on top of you

I know you shit now your shit is in there. It was it really ruined the mood. Well two things one Sarah's old apartment where she had the worst landlord ever classic New York landlord She comes out of her bedroom and he's just on the living room and he's like Saturday You can't be you know blowing yourself whatever and that toilet you'd flush it and it was always like a piece of shit Even if it was a solid shit There was always one piece that like broke off and would come back come back Yeah, come up and look around so I saw her turds all the time. This is what we first started dating Now I'll eat her shit. I don't care. Whatever we're married

But back then I would go to take a piss and open it and there would just be one little cocoa pebble with her initials on it Floating around like the Death Star It was horrible was it at least like a hollow like a Valentine. It said heart you yeah, it was said, you know I'd shoot you choose you right right, but the other thing I was gonna say is Fred Cantor Jason's dad Great guy swell swell pal am I really smart guy, but he always has said for years And I hope the terrorists aren't listening. Oh, but he'd say the way to really destroy this country the planet It turned the water off. I mean it would be World War three within 20 minutes Oh, yeah, like you say you just don't think about it boiling stuff. I mean all the time you have to boil

Drinking shower toilet. I mean all the toilets were off in a day I mean this time there would be fucking mayhem out here may be be root in the streets People would have shotguns and water jugs would be worth lives and it would it would be waterworld with a fucking Kevin Costner gay root so I went to school when I was a kid Yeah, so I Just left I was like I got to go do some pods some shows God be with ye enjoy the shit can storm in there and I got the hell out of there and then like two hours later She's like the water came on I flushed the toilet 19 times. I was like alright great

Must have been graffiti and just Things stains. Yeah, it was a whole ecosystem in there by that point and things have grown and evolved and we're getting legs But luckily she got there in time and flushed it, but it took a couple of real Yanks on that flusher. Oh shit is the ground We've had this conversation before on the pod, but shit is the grossest thing. It's worse than come Yes, I actually love and enjoy sure worse than puke worse than blood shit is just It's tough. It's slippery. It's stinky. It's it's different. It's a variety of colors. It's waste It's literally waste your body's like this has got to go right and

We were two girls one bowl in there You know like that's why it was even worse because it was two wet ones It'd be one thing if I had a big snake in there and she had a couple snakes in there But it was just two piles of human discharge Yeah, and there's toilet paper you're throwing toilet paper in it must have been a whole Pupery it was a mishmash of boom-boom. It was a medley of poopoo poopery Yeah, yeah, that's fixed. Yeah. Oh, yeah, so it's all yours have added if you got to take a real Poopoo now. I don't like road games. I like to really shit at home if possible

I don't like them either, but I've I've done it and I'm not against it, but I don't love it Well speaking of having to shit this is listen to how serendipitous this is please so the other day Friday I got a first of all. I did nine spots in three days. We are back in this city And I want to talk about Wednesday when we hung out together a little bit. We had a nice run into that was fun That was that felt like 1988 again. It was great. It was like a hot bar show Packed out everybody's killing hanging laughing drinking. That was the glory days. I saw you Williamsburg the apartment show outside remember that Williamsburg Adam Muller

I wasn't expecting to see you there. That was fun. That was nice. We rode the train back to the city I mean that really felt like 1991. I mean on the subway pushing each other in the bushes talking comedy Yes, I got some real work done that night. That was fun. But so all these spots are back. We're running around but Friday We're sitting around and You know You try to work all day. You try to do podcasts promote right Shoot a sketch write a sketch. Fuck your dad

And so Friday comes around it feels like weekend you want to get some work done But it's you're like, you know what? I'm getting it. It's party time. Excellent. And so I go Hey, let's go to the movie. I look up a movie quad cinema right over here in the village 13th and Between between 6th and 5th. Yep. It's an old cinema that's been redone. It's all refurbished. They got some weird weirdo Indie bullshit. Oh, yeah, I know that one. That's a cute little spot Yeah, just east of 6th avenue on 13th great theater if you're in new york, go check it out the quad And so I found this movie called the the killing of two lovers And how about these numbers 82 minutes 93 rotten tomatoes?

Oh You don't see that that's that's some numbers you want to see you know what I mean That's lunch So we go see the movie and then it's that weird thing. It's a good movie fun movie. It's like 705 my first spot is Uh, no, no, it's like 645 and we're in the village. My first spot is at the stand, but not till like 8 45 So we get that weird two hour thing. We're like, we'll go to the diner waverly diners over here I love it dinner in a movie, but I ate a bunch of m&m's at the movie So I got the candy grossness. You can't not eat the bag of m's

I need the m's so then we go to waverly which my favorite diner of all time We sit down and sarah's like I guess I'll get a coffee, but it's late in the day to get a coffee I'm not really starving and I'm like I gotta tell you I feel like candy nauseous. I don't know what we're doing here I can't eat a waffle with maple syrup. I got too much sugar in my asshole Can't you get an egg or a salad or a piece of toast but I'm pretty full So we did the the rarest move in the business is a tough move We sat with the menus and went I don't we just get out of here. I love it What are we gonna do give them 30 bucks and put food on top of food? It's gonna be like your toilet bowl

Good for you. I mean we we do it out of instinct and it's fun to get food brought to you It's fun to have it, you know a little guatemalan man going A fried egg, you know exactly so we leave there and the guy I'm like, it's not you It's my favorite diner. I came here after my special. Have you seen it? It's called? I hate myself it's got almost four million views. He said I can't stand you. I watch you you suck Yeah, yes, all right, so we leave and then we're like maybe we'll go to the Washington Square Park and I go wait a minute. Why don't we go to the cellar? I have to shit I have to shit this candy out. I checked the lineup six o'clock show calling Quinn is for the like we'll go see calling

He's a friend of ours. We love him. I said we'll go see calling that way. I'll get to shit We walk in calling has just walked on stage. It's packed six o'clock show packed So there's two spots in the back in a booth So we just sit down like a like an audience. I go. Can we just sit here? We're in a booth watching calling rips I mean, he's got no you can't believe this new Oh, man. First of all, Quinn is like the most underrated comedian of all time He's like top five all time and everyone always does the the burr and I've said this about Gullman a lot too

Gullman and Quinn underrated it was a burr louis or chappelle. Oh my god rock I'd throw Nick griffin in as well Exactly. I mean there's these guys that people just don't uh, you know, they don't get the mentions. Yes So he's unbelievable. He's got all this new stuff about Politics the state of things but none of it's heavy-handed. It's just hilarious perfectly nails it He's absolutely killing and it's so fun because I love the guys so much. So he comes off I run up. I give him a big hug. I kiss him on the lips. I say my god, you got it Jerry

And he goes all great and I said, well, hey, we're getting out of here. We just stopped by to see you and in the back I hear mic. Yeah, I go up next chris rock And I go this is vu. This is the vu Okay, and I go, you know what? I was just kidding. We came to see you and chris We run back and then we've already left was said goodbye You know, I got lipstick on my eyes and we run back over jump back in the booth before anyone else could take it We sit we watch chris rock and he does the bit you told me about where he's reading from his phone

Oh, wow, and this is like blowing the room apart. Wow Collins over there. He's laughing. It's like one of these magical nights. I just came down to shit Oh my god, it's nice when you can go enjoy some comedy. Hold on Oh Quite a pregnant pause on that airbasket Oh, that hurt. I think I pulled my hymen. It didn't sound good. So but then I'm on stage and I'm getting the feels because You know, these guys used to drive in together in the 50s. Oh, that's true. Brooklyn cats. Yeah, they both Brooklyn guys

They started like a few months apart. They used to take turns driving now. Here. They are back to back They're in their late 70s. Yes. Yeah still killing the game. We're calling everything a game now It's all the gate. Everything can be a game. He's the best in the game. He's killing the game I don't know what the hell it is. The serial killer games getting out of control. It stinks. I hate games Hunger games blows. You're an idiot if you like it, but game of thrones. Uh, that one sucks also Yeah Game game time game boy. I hated just black and white. I didn't get it. It's a screen. Where's game girl, by the way Your game trans

Game blacks game whatever game cocks. Ah, South Carolina. That's right Anyways, we watch rock we watch queen It's this magical night and then you leave there and Sarah spots at the view But later I I'm at the view at like one I go walk to the stand with me We walk over the stand Ari's there great night three sets there hung out with stavros Ari the whole thing But anyway, the point is I had to take a shit. So I was like, let me go shit over here Got to see Chris rock conquin back to back two of the best ever. I'm so impressed that you uh, because sometimes especially with your lady

things get a little roped they get a little uh Routine and you go you go to the restaurant and everything in your body is going. I'm sitting here. We have the menus I'm not that hungry, but fuck it and you said no and you pushed against and you you you push through that little awkwardness of telling the Guatemalan guy Yeah, we're gonna go and he goes But my family and you go I gotta go and then you did it Well, we were why I was like, how great for you that we didn't sit at Waverly We went and saw two of the greats and then you get the dopamine because you're like that was great

You're great. No, you're great. And that was fun. Then the next day he called. He's like, how good is rock right now? And I was like, how good is rock? How good are you? And he's like, oh, stop it. Let's talk about rock He's very humble and I said no, you're the best and rocks fine. He's I want to hear about some of that off-air mind you But I think I saw the the meat of it with that chappelle said I saw a poppin that he did and it was raw And delirious. Yeah, so I saw him last night too at the cellar. He came after one after me, which was fun You know that feeling you come off stage and you can feel something's happening

Yes, yes, all of a sudden comics are running over to the corner and you're like, oh somebody something's going on. Yeah Oh, yeah, I feel like he's getting back. He got divorced. He's uh been sued 17 times He's 68 as you said. Yeah, something's cooking something's boiling up. Yeah, he's got some killer new stuff. All right That's enough for me. Well, uh, I gotta tell you this and this is a little we're gonna change lanes to adorable land but uh So i'm hanging out me and sally cues fat cell the cues our kramer he Giddy up He and I get lunch once a week and just mull everything over. It's nice to have a non-comedy guy who gets comedy

He's comedy adjacent. He shoots he films he queeps, but we have lunch and he's got a wife and a kid And we we we we we do the whole gamut sure and we go to a diner we go gay we blow each other And after he goes well I gotta let you go because i'm picking my kid up from school. Okay, and I go wow. That's so adult I'm gonna go home and uh Learn how to play twinkle twinkle little star and jerk off to uh stormy daniels. Sure So we have very different lives, but I was like i'm gonna go with you Oh fun

So I go with him and it was just such a fascinating experience because it's so not our wheelhouse We pull up to this, you know, we walk by the school of ps 81 or whatever the hell there's all these parents outside I mean I give away the school. I could be wrong. I don't even know if that is a school. It's it's ps 9 000 whatever and uh Sounds like a computer So Well, that's the air conditioner guy get you gotta get the ps 9 000, but We pull up to his school. It's all these parents and all the kids are coming out. They go billy Ricky they run it hugged the kid they hugged the mom. He's got the little backpack on that's too big for him, you know

and Uh, he goes i'm my kids with this little his friend friends a bit of a chatterbox and I go You know, they're kids these kids. You know this tall. They're adorable. Sure kid runs out Daddy hugs salicus salacuses holding hands. It's like it's a bit of a culture shock You know, you're like, whoa, I'm holding hands with a kid over here. Right. Yeah I'm not not a little legally allowed to do this But either way this kid this the other kid not the sales kid He's like I found a cockroach at the basement and it shitted my mouth and my dad killed it in front of me

And I cried all and you're like So that's how he's such a great dad. We go to the bodega and it's such a new york thing I grew up in louisiana. It's so fast. They were crossing eighth avenue We go to a bodega. They're like, I want that he gets them a candy bar. They wolf it down They got chocolate all over their assholes Then he brings them to aftercare program and the whole thing was wild. I got a tear It's quite a it's quite a sight. It's weird in these Children's world because I dabble myself in seattle and it's wild because you're like, can I be here?

Is this okay? And they're like, yeah And then the kid comes running up and then everyone's looking at you like who's this son of a bitch piece of shit And I'm like My thing is I'm always afraid that someone's gonna recognize me like I know that guy He says he fucks kids on every episode of his show So it is scary and I think about that all the time when you're around kids You're like, I got I got two nieces two nephews. Some are little some are older

And it's hard because you're like if anybody recognizes the podcast I know that guy's made 48 jokes about eating out of six year olds. Oh, yeah today Yeah, and I'm worried someone because we get recognized on the street. I'm worried somebody's gonna go Kweefe it up. I think it's gonna. What the hell's it kweefe? I'm gonna tell my mom about kweefe She's gonna talk about it. You're like, no, no, shut up. But uh Just the moment from and I know I'm not a parent but the moment from walking to school to the five blocks of the aftercare Whoo, I'm just this kid's gonna hit by a car. Should we give him candy? Can I touch him? Is he is he retarded? I don't know what's going on and then that was five blocks. I was like, uh

That's why I don't know if I can have a kid. No, it's terrifying. I feel that way in the beach all the time You see a kid like playing these ankle deep and I'm like pick them up get them out of there the time Are you fucking idiot a rip tie to kills 48 adults every 10 minutes? You got a three year old over there Yes, swimming pools kill more people a year than guns. Is that true? Oh, yeah I think we had this conversation. We looked it up and that's insanely incorrect. Give it a go. Yeah I think this happened on air and you said it was such confidence that I was like, oh, okay And then later I looked it up and it's like 100 to one guns to pools

Really? Yeah, I mean, how could that possibly be true? Well, you waddle in you drown you're in a diaper You flip upside down these kids don't know the backstroke I mean just think about one mass shooting where there's like 22 people killed. That's true 22 people drowned in a pool that day. Ah, well, I think you spread it out I'm just saying but that one day. I mean how many other per day a pool I mean the gun deaths. I mean chicago alone. I think there's like there was 38 in october or something It's a good point and blacks don't swim All right

Um, but I mean every black I know can't swim But I mean, I think that stat is just wildly incorrect, but I could be wrong I think I read it on a uh, bazooka gum wrapper in 81 So who the hell knows but there's a lot of these things you hear not you well you as the human you Yes, like I think we might have talked about this also where someone told me for years The sun shines more in denver than la and I just spread that around main coastline. I was spreading all over That's true Now there's more main coastline than any other state. No, no, we decided this years ago

Boy, well, I heard it rains more in new york than in seattle. No, that's ridiculous All right, we gotta look this up an inch, but it's days there, but hawaii is the rainiest Uh-huh. We rained for eight seconds in hawaii. You've been there, huh? Yeah, sure Beautiful beautiful just a special place that rains you can drink it that it just stops and it's a little cooler Than it's sunny again. It's a magical plate those natives over there got it made making a native Yes, wow nicely done. I can't find Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by native deodorant featuring the new face and body sunscreen Uh, it's getting hot out there folks and that sun is

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This is uh, well, I want to cover two things, but I don't want to hog too much But uh, I'll throw one out then then maybe we'll alternate but uh did virginia beach you ever been there? I have we talked about it. Remember big j the double book. Oh, yeah Yeah, pleasantly surprised and I gotta tell you this sounds maybe this is a Bad idea to bring this up, but I'm down there with fat chrysal and umar con just having having your host and your feature like guys You know it just Just eases the pain and there's no like walking into the greener like who's who's it gonna be Some fat guy with a neck tattoo and a harmonica or whatever the hell but you know, uh, just fat chrysal and

Just hanging cool relaxing umar's getting sloppy and drunk. He's a real he's a runner and he's like a eat right kind of guy So on the weekends he's eating pancakes and pussy and shooting pistolas into the air smoking blunts So it's fun to watch him. Uh, just throw his life away, but Cool room. It's like in the burbs in one of those weird towns where there's like all the same shit cheesecake factory Sephora a cold stone a funny bone Uh bravo, italian kitchen, you know, it's a very molly Cusina yes And uh, just a great time not a bad little room tiny room tight stage, you know, you've been there. They got the balcony

It's an upper deck. I remember yeah upper decker and uh, it's so funny because That's gonna sound bad, but You get there and they're like, wow, you're on time. Wow. You didn't blow the light Wow, you didn't have 30 000 people in the green room smoking weed and uh, you know fucking bitches Thank you. Wow Yeah, we sold merch we made a fortune we cleaned up we uh, we hit the beach one day and uh Hell of a little boardwalk. It's like floored out there except the people are way uglier Wow, it's a nice beach you swim dip in

Clean beach jump in the water boardwalk. Uh, yeah, you can tell in the 50s. It was really popping, you know, right? It's kind of uh, shit the bed a little bit, but Look the food ain't great and the people are fat as shit, but Uh For a 41 minute flight from new york. It is nothing to sneeze at. Yeah, that sounds pretty great I gotta get down there because I remember I drove there. I think I told you my car broke down I was late for the super bowl. It was a whole thing But I was looking because when you were down there I was curious. I was like, I wonder what it's like to drop

But I think it's like almost seven hours But a flight you're right down there bang and I assume chris drove so you had the car Yeah, he drove umar drove. We had the car and we just took it easy You get that sun on your jizz and just uh Fun little weekend we had we'd worked on new stuff. We don't you love a week you get a lot of work done You're like, I left that week with two new jokes. That's what I need this way I'm going to demoin this weekend funny bone hit me up come by whatever don't hit me up just come Yes, but uh, I got steve rogers coming and it's hard because the flight was

$950 they jacked up all these flights. Are you noticing these flights? Of course, especially when you got to connect You're ruined demoin and kansas city. Both. I just booked both both were six hundred dollar flights I like it's ridiculous. Yeah, these are shit towns. What are we doing folks? You're lucky. I'm coming I don't get it But I think they just jacked up the prices because they lost so much money whatever and now they got us by the tits And there's limited flights to all these towns still right So that's what it is whatever, but uh, yeah, I'd like to go down there. It sounds like a great weekend But I have the same thing. I'm like, I gotta go and get work done and steve's a writer and he laughs at everything

So he's a guy I can bounce with I'm looking forward to it and no offense. I demoin great people nice eggs fun club But not a ton to do out there. If you know what I mean, that's what I'm like Should I rent a car but the flight was already We have to make this decision of like Maybe I break even but we have a nice not break even but you know, you're like, maybe I make only a few hundred bucks But we have a good time. We have the car. There's those gigs sometimes You have to make that decision to be like if we have a car we can go to Wherever I can go to chipotle because you got the chipotle gift cards, which we appreciate

Yes, and I got cheesecake factory gift cards, which is so nice people give me That's a good thing what we thank you big but if you don't have a car you can't go there So I'm like, I feel like I'm losing money Yeah, it would balance if I rent a car. I can drive to a place that I eat for free, right? Well Why not just look at it like a work weekend because they I've been to that funny, but they ain't nothing in that area I know you gotta walk PC real office depot. You know shit like that. Maybe a movie theater. It's very molly, but Maybe you can just like hey, this is a good excuse to hunker down I'll get a big dick steve in my hotel room. I'll blow him and then we write but here's the thing with the hunker down

You're only there's like studies on this. You're only like Capable of maximum work that's true four hours a day. That's a lot It's lower than we like so even if you're writing and you know You I mean other than maybe Sam, but you can't ride all day Eventually you're like, ah, let me uh jerk off watch a tv show watch a game and you want to eat in that replenishes you because really with writing to me It's when you go to the restaurant. You can sit all day and write and bounce bits. What about this and you go? But then you put the pen down you close the books you go to cheesecake and you go

What's up with this lady? I can smell her pussy from here. Hey, that's not bad Right smells like the four cheese pasta. Hey, right that The real writing is to hang it out and it makes comedy harder because we used to always all be together I know Plus getting to know somebody helps Right when you first meet you're like, oh, yeah, I grew up in Whitman and my dad You know he plowed me with a goat car and you're like that's a bit and you're like that's a bit Yes, you get older and you're like

Ah, do you see uh, who said the n-word this week? That's crazy. You're like, that's not a bit. It's no bit Yeah, I love Montreal, but yeah, you're so right and but you remember those fantasies used to tell me about with uh, sorry The the feet look or the legs look great and those pants Never mind, but that's I was returning But uh, remember you used to tell me how rock chris rock used to Hire like eight of the funniest guys he knew flying to hawaii They'd go up in the four seasons and they'd rent out the ballroom or the balcony and they'd eat out there Lobster and then they would work on his act. Yes, this pants gives a little ballroom. It's uh very hot out

But yes, exactly you get people to hang out and you you spend time and you go chuck a jive But it can have an adverse effect also because I'm now not thinking about bits because I'm getting the laughs from the buds You know like a comic you need laughs one way or another So if you're by yourself with one other person you write jokes you can go get laughs good But if you're hanging out with people, I'm like, I don't need to write jokes. I'm getting laughs in real time I just zinged you I called Ari or whatever and I said this about this guy's pants and so you're getting that You're getting it out that way. Does that make sense? Yeah, I hear you

But I think it's it's writing styles too. Some people just want the written bit I don't care who where I got it'll kill my mom and get a new punch But I think you're a hangouty natural writer guy. Yeah, exactly. It's it's it's all Tray, it's all pipes. Yeah, but anyways, I don't know how we went off on this But Des Moines, so anyways, I'll figure it out when we get there But maybe we'll take uber's or whatever by the way uber's fucking us writing They they went the same with the flights. They first of all, they killed the cabs They shot them in the face and then they said well now that we're the only dick in town

We're gonna plow your right in your mom's mouth. It's brutal. Let me see what I have here because I did something Ah, jeez. I got a couple things. They put it in my ass. Well, I gotta talk about first of all the patreon is just I mean, this is like I've never seen anything like this in my life. Thanks to everyone that joined Chuck should be on hbo. He should be on a mountain getting blown by a zebra. I mean, this guy is next level Don't give him any idea. Yeah, that's true. Shout out salak use to What a loser Oh, that's what I was thinking. He came to my show saturday and uh, he came to the park yesterday

He's a sweet little guy. He's my hero. I love the pieces. I'm so glad he's in my life And I'm glad he's mingling with all you juice. Well, we had a nice salak use versus chuck debate on camera What? Hopefully no one's offended. This is gonna be on the patreon. They're different anals these two I mean, you got the shooter and the shooty I mean One guy shoots it and the other guy edits it and it's a different world Well, we based it on just name alone and the people involved in the debate don't really know either guys

So that's what made it such a fun situation, but that's on the patreon It was me and stavros debating who stinks and who's great and uh, we went back and forth Okay, we really trashed both of them, but We got a So I did the show the ps 109 canter and I do the show and what how about this lineup stavros halkeas Yanis paupers to greek. Yep Who else I was trying to think of another famous greek, but I couldn't stay mos All I can think of was yani, which is so close to yanis too close

And then there's dino stepolephalus Oh, yeah, george steponopoulos. There you go. That doesn't matter the greeks are worthless, but yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, I had a good run stavros run on Lotta portly funny guys on the show Portly is funny And then there's sarah canter and I'm gonna forget his last name chase guy from houston's got a french last name chase to joe devarone come from houston

ah But anyways, he hosted he was great and uh, just a killer show when we packed it out was one of those ones I texted sallikis. I said, hey, you feel like coming up hanging out and shooting this thing No pressure just get a few minutes and then we'll send it off to chuck and he said sure i'll do that What the hell he's kramer? So he rode his bike up which was adorable and then I ordered a bunch of pizzas We sat in canner's bedroom and uh sallikis sat in the bed, which is a big mistake because canner's a germaphobe And canner didn't have the heart to tell him and I didn't have the heart to tell him

So I just everyone just sat there awkwardly sallikis had no idea he's doing snow angels in the bed Well, that's a tough thing with these new york apartment. There's nowhere to sit. There's eight There's four seats and 20 people. There's nowhere to sit plus these germaphobes get real Germs don't go to a butt and then jump in your bed. But I mean it was bad news. He's like, what's up with this blanket? He's like swirling in it He's sleeping in it and he coughed in it. He masturbated on the sheets I mean canner burned the place down and moved to hawaii But I picture him doing a georgey shirtless doing the photo shoot on the bed. Oh, he hates him. He couldn't believe it but

Anyway, so he came up. We ate pizza. We talked baseball. We watched baseball We shoot the video then stavros showed up early because he wanted to watch basketball So we got like a half hour podcast of video pockets of me and stavros debating dc versus washington basketball versus hockey comedy The whole thing yannis came in so that's gonna be out soon chucks gonna edit that together magically I'm sure that'll be great And but just a killer show And it felt good to be producing shows packed house everybody killed again And I just love stavros. I don't get to see the guy too much stavros is the best. He's a he's a cherubic

Just nugget of joy. Yeah, and then ron on so great hand great show everyone came loved it good time And uh, yeah, that's that's pretty much it for that one I just want to say thanks to everyone that came out and and get on that patreon because that's gonna be a great Episode too. We got some funny stuff. There was a guy in a wheelchair went up to introduce sarah, which was really crazy It was wacky. All right all on camera. You'll you'll get it On the patreon plus the doc of there's a 42 minute documentary of you going around la which is insane You gotta see this thing

It's unbelievable. It's it's like netflix level. We don't want to lose chuck. He's such a goddamn dream this guy God, we love you. Chuckie. What are you worried about losing him already? I've just got it. He's he's so good I'm scared. He's gonna get scooped up by scorsese or something. He scooped the niblets, but I gotta throw this out there. Oh, what do you got? I just want to throw one quick thing We had a park hang yesterday. We missed you Oh, it was a hell of a day for me. You said you were coming and then Ari said no, he's working with me So I had to get it from him. I forgot all that as usual. I'm sorry Great park hang 90 degrees central park in the shade good group bunch of comics hang out

Afterwards everyone runs off to spots can't or I just throw the frisbee for about a half hour I said, let's go to shake shack. We go over to shake shack. What do you think of this? Just give me your opinion hit me with it. I please please I order double cheeseburger fries hot day exciting glass of water He gets the cheeseburger with all the fixings the lady brings it over. We're dining inside, which is great She brings it over. There's a thing of uh, like ranch dressing and a barbecue And I go, listen, I don't know what this is But I'm gonna need a ketchup more ketchup than you're thinking all the ketchup bring me a pile and she goes

We're out of ketchup Oh my god Cheeseburger and french fry place that's out of burgers and out of ketchup. How are you gonna sell burgers and fries? With no ketchup I mean Don't you think and I said what country is this I said the lady I said You got to be kidding and she's like no, I'm not and I'm like that's a deal I would now come here and she laughs and I'm like no seriously

Wow, and I don't want to get into with her because she makes four dollars a day, but I'm like You got to put a sign on the door that says no ketchup and I know I'm a food cunt, but this isn't like hey We're out of uh, onion rings right a burger without ketchup is like a pussy with with hair on without doing It's worthless. Yes. I'm with you. I need the ketchup and I need mountains of it I need a gallon of cat soup. We call it irish marinara in my house. Oh, but what do you think of this move? All right, I like it go If I don't go get ketchup, I'm gonna whip this in this woman's face

Yeah, give it a shit in the window you got a shake shack your hot ass over to the bodega So but I said hey, I'm in new york seeing this bodega's every hundred yards So I said I'll be right back and I left and it was like a woody allen movie I jogged past the window And I went up a block and a half go to the bodega. There's a dusty ball to ketchup for four bucks I said, I'll take one of these I should have been like Santa Claus and bought all of them double armed and just throw Oh, well, they should have reimbursed is what they should have done. I went got the ketchup It's four bucks. I hand them cash jog back a block and a half

I come back in with the ketchup and the canner's like spitting his food punching his, you know, fist bumping I get back and now instead of the bullshit packets. I got a full And I just streamed it everywhere. I was squirting it. I was like fucking loy christmas In my face. I put it on a lady's wig lick it up Lick it up. I mean, it was amazing. So great ketchup burger and then I left it behind and You left it. Yeah, because I had a backpack full. I don't want and leave it for someone else pay it forward Ah, yes So good move right great move. I love it. I I'm so proud of you. I mean, what a power move

They should have been they should have given you the four dollars. Fuck them. But you gotta have ketchup. What is this? You know gay root This is insane. You're shake shack What else are you gonna run out of? I mean, I really think salt if you're out. It's whatever some people eat without ketchup They don't like sugar whatever the bullshit I do think you have to say just so you know before you order. We don't have ketchup. Yeah, I mean that is an insane Dealbreaker to me. I agree and I'm with you on the ketchup and I feel bad and it's this snooty new york highfalutin coups who'll give you

A cunt hair full of red sauce. I'm like, what are you kidding? I get the fry doesn't even fit in the Receptical you fucking whore. I hate the package chick filet is the best ones. They got more ketchup appeal appeal and dip Yes, they're very appealing. I hate myself. I should be all right. Well, either way. I'm with you on the ketchup I love that and that that that could be a sketch. I wonder that'd be a fun little little clip Salak useful email We love you cues. All right. Well speaking of wheelchairs. I'm going I'm throwing it back to the uh to the cripple guy, but uh Me and r8 listen to this day I had we did we did uh

Virginia I noticed my flight lands at four. I'm like, oh man. I was gonna let me know I'll sleep in Airport at three get leave at two. I got the whole day to sleep whatever hung over Then I realized wait the show at souljolls is at six. Oh boy, which means you got to leave at three Yes, it's a long drive. Yeah, so I can't land at four and then just figure it out So I had to change my flight, but the only one available is a 7 30 a.m. Flight Okay, which means you got to be there at 6 30, which means you got to get up at 5 45 You know how it goes. We do the math every week So Saturday night, we do two shows sold out

We rock it last show is one of the the first show was like dicey and then the second show was amazing So you leave on a high note Then I go look I got to take it easy tonight. We got a we got a flight in the morning So we grab a couple of white claws and you know when you're walking in the hotel You're like, I don't want to go to a bar. I don't want to go to a restaurant But you find that weird nook in a hotel that has a couple of seats and it's quiet and tucked away Oh, I love a hotel nook. I'm all nook love a nook because that's all you need You got the funny guys. You got the booze. You got the conversation. You got the friendship. You got the the seats

That's it and diversity. Ah, yeah, we got a packy a blackie and a whitey So yeah, it was a great hang and we're just chatting it up and like comedy and doing bits and the whole thing and I guess we went too long and I was like shit. It's 2 a.m I gotta I gotta get back. So then you don't go to bed till three and then the alarm goes on 545 so oh boy, we're running on two and a half hours of sleep. You get to the airport I'm in zombie mode. By the way, I went to the united Lounge, okay, I got a pass so that helps so I'm wolfing down muffins and and dick and all this shit And uh, you know drinking cocoa and coffee get on the flight. I'll sleep on the flight. It's a 41 minute flight

Can't even get a wink in I'm just thinking I'm crazy the coffee whatever Land and I go, all right. I have to do a podcast at one Then leave one one or two then go meet Ari at 2 30 and then we go to We go to the uh, the soljo. Jesus nightmare. So I land and I just lay in bed. I'm like, I'm getting an hour of sleep I set my alarm for noon Alarm was set for midnight Oh god wake up at 12 48. I grab a bunch of merch. I have smell like shit. I got morning breath I go to the studio. We do a pod. I fake it till I make it and it's a drinking pod

I'm drinking now. I'm having the bag. It's a hot day. I'm woozy. I'm sweaty I look like looking uh, what's that guy's name? Uh Mike Tyson. No Nick Nolte in that mug shot. I'm like, ah, I got a Hawaiian shirt on my hair's flipping and flopping We do the pod. I run down to meet Ari. It's hot I got bags of merch because I'm like, I'm selling this merch You know, you have the excess merch that you didn't sell. Oh, that's all I have my basement is just the excess merch factory Yeah, but I'm like shot glasses still from 1985. It's like the greatest cable. I'm unloading this

I am getting rid of this even though I'm barely awake. I got one eye closed I got jizz in my mouth and I just hauling through the east villa. You know, Ari lives on avenue 14 and uh, Avenue F. I don't know what he's doing over there. It's like it's like a batman villain He's like I'm on avenue x in the corner of 68. I'm like, what are you talking? What are you the penguin? Yeah You're in a lair over here. I didn't know that that street existed. So Sweat and hobos are like, look at this fucking loser, you know, and they moved over there too He's like, it's the perfect distance to walk to the cellar. I'm like, is it this is the perfect distance Exactly. I'm like, you're 22 minutes not to mention you passed three skid roads. Yes

Like you're gonna get killed the subway doesn't even go over there. The subway is like that's too dirty. I'm not good I'm not doing that. I think these people they not feel but arie. They want to be different They want to be like outside the box. I live in the east river on a yacht or a fucking whatever you call A boat house. Yes. Yes. Yes. A raft. Raft. That's the word. I said, yeah, I confuse yacht and raft Which is really the opposite. I'm not a good writer, but the cubans love a raft. It's just like, what are you? What are you doing over there? It's shit. These people especially the brooklyn people. Oh, I live in east new york It's crazy. Well, we'll get to that So I find arie just goes, hey, you're taking too long. I was I was super late

So he's like, where are you? I'll just drive there and I'm like, thank you So he picks me up. He's got veky on the front. See we got a james batter in the back I'm like, whoa You start perking up because you're around some fun loving positive people. Sure. Great car ride. We drive out there We get there in record time. Soljol now has a taco truck on that motherfucking lot. I didn't know about that. So There's no more games. It's uh, he's got a couple interns. They're going for college credit This kid whips his waters. You never have water at Soljol's. Yes. This guy's whipping waters at us Soljol. Hey, have a burrito Have a taco. I got chicken. I got pastore. I got beef like

And uh, he's pulling out white clothes and all this shit dina shows up veeter shows up I mean, we are cooking first show sold out We all kill arie close it arie. I gotta say never a great comic, but this guy's been in uh Gay root for six months and he comes out swinging kills it ripping new shit vaccine jokes like all kinds of stuff great stuff We we sell merch. I finally get that merch off my hands. Uh, the comedy artwork guys out there. He's got a bizarre He's got a booth full of posters and magnets and stickers I saw the photo wouldn't wouldn't mind to cut but uh, hey bright bright. Yeah, good point. Yeah Venmo me

Son of a bitch. I see my face all over the magnets neckties Yeah Yeah, you got a point. You got a point. This guy's making uh, some sweet coin off your likeness I gotta be fair. He's demoed us a bunch of times. He's a good guy always sends us some cash I haven't seen him since the 40s by the way because the entire washington dc scene has been wiped out I know big hunt is gone the other thing Yeah, dc draft house, uh, but a fun moment. We're in the back and and you know, brian

He's not a comic so he's kind of like I don't want to bother anybody You know, he's one of those squirrely guys and he uh He's like, oh, I drew a rogan picture, you know, I'd love for him to see it now. He's like hang on hang on Rogan shares it and now rogan follows him and he was like He's showing the janitor rogan's followed me. It was fucking crazy It was a sweet moment. Nice guy rogan such a nice guy such a misunderstood guy But whatever we're not gonna get into that whole kitten kaboo. So Sell the shit second show rolls around 300 people come out bunch of gays bunch of arry people bunch of jews

Everybody rips it. I'm half in the bag. I had a I had an okay set and We sell the merch We jump in the car. I got a handful of beers So we start talking comedy. We're ripping it up arry goes It's like 2 a.m. At this point arry goes. I feel bad. Where do you live? Matter and he goes bay ridge And then he goes, where do you live? Mike and he goes astoria It's not much unless you're going to the bronx and statin island. There's not much

Further. Yes, that's the old University of washington versus university of miami Ah, yes longest distance Look at that. Yeah, so arry's like fuck it. I have a car. I'll bring you Oh, and we're like you gotta ride along for that. I gotta ride along. So we we cut through Jersey into statin island onto the varizano. That's fun. Yeah, it was kind of fun. I've never done that road That's fun, but arry starts dozing off. So like uh, I want me to drive. He's like, yeah, you drive Oh my god, now I'm driving the bus and uh, I don't know arry's shit very well

I usually navigate, you know, I'm this guy in la I don't know his whole kitten kitten caboodle. So I don't know what's going on. I miss 18 stops You know, it's jersey everything's detour. You got to turn here. You got to back up You got to drive up here. It's like mario kart out there It's a mess people from the midwest and southwest have no What's going on out here? I mean it is You see signs like there's no exit 15 exit 14 is actually exit 12 And that's a left hand exit, but as soon as your left hand exit, there's a right hand exit

And this tunnel's closed on days that were unhappy. Yeah, it's fucking wild It's wild. It shoots and ladders out there So I think I put about 8 000 bucks on arry's easy pass because I had to keep going through the toll Because I was going the wrong way and look it's my fault, but arry's His big jew head is leaned up against the window Mike's uh looking at his phone and mad dog's doing uh doing the whole def leopard catalog back there He's the sleepiest guy. I don't know if it's because he's 65 years old But every movie I've gone to every conversation I've had every podcast I've done

He's in REM sleep like halfway through. It's embarrassing It's so bad. Oh come on my dead baker. Oh, sorry. I got real pants on. What is this? Is this a cum sock? What is that? That's a lady sock. It's fine, but I'm sorry. The ladies come in their socks. I come in them anyway By the way, how funny was uh, paul odo at that bar show? Oh, man paul odo underrated. That cum sock thing had me dying I was thinking about that two days later um Anywho It's uh, it's all pipes. It'll dry all of my vintage pants

He's a thousand dollar pants for god's sake. Oh, well, you got ripped off there fatty, but slide it on over I don't want you to get a slide on the other side. Okay, so yeah, it'll go down the track But anyways, he's a sleepy jew. He's a sleepy sleepy. He but a sleep and uh, this guy I'm driving the bus. I'm missing every eggs. I could tell veky Owens breathing fire back there because you know He's older too. And we're getting the clocks ticking Well, he's a scary guy veky. Oh my god. He could twist me like a pretzel with just a face. You're like, okay Forget everything I said. I'm sorry. I love you. You're the best joke writer of our generation God's sakes, but I'm gonna jump off a building if you give me a square look. Oh my god. He's got a square jaw

I think he was a pro wrestler. He beat hogan. So Finally we get to bay ridge. That's a whole other scene down there. We drop off james. He's like, I'm sorry I live here. We're like, what are you gonna do now? We hop on the bqe. We go straight up To the moon to Astoria Boom, we drop off him then we bring it back And at this time it's you know, it's gotta be 330 and I am just On fumes from the whole day and remember I'm on no sleep drinking and I'm just like, oh my god We got here and we're outside my house and already wants to chat

You know, he's like we're staying outside the car. I got like some beers in my hand. He's like, so we got to work on I'm like, what are you getting? Let me get out of the house. I'm right here. He's fresh. He's been sleeping for 90 minutes Fresh nap. We got a power nap in morning. Yeah. Yeah. So I go. Hey, I gotta take a whiz and I run upstairs and We did it all. Oh, oh, but the wheelchair. So this you know this gal Lou Lou she's in a wheelchair. It's a woman. Yes Cute lady by the way. Oh, I think I know her. She comes to the shows and royals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's like the biggest comedy fan I know her. I'm sorry. She comes all the shows. Sure I just love this gal because she's obviously in a wheelchair and she's loves the darkest

Just fucked up humor. I did like a minute on her just like, oh, watch over her She I hit her with my car. She's trying to come back and sue me with all, you know, whatever I said, but Lou me Yes, she was just so uh, so cool Then should we talk to after about like canceling and she's like, what's going on out there? And she's like, I need comedy and it's weird people try to take it away. I'm like, hey preaching to the anal so, uh Just a great night and just great to see the fans You read all this shit online and then you see the people's faces and they

You mean something to them and they buy a shirt and they kiss your ass and it's fun Yeah, god bless them. It's it's so nice that we have comedy fans that aren't In comedy because so many comedy fans are like, I'm a comic right start doing comedy. So please everybody stop doing comedy keep supporting the show all the the Tweets are so nice. The emails are so nice. Some of them are viciously mean, but whatever. That's all right It's part of the part for the anal. Yeah. So thanks for all the support. Thanks for coming by take. I'm in Des Moines this weekend I don't know west Des Moines. Whatever it is Des Moines funny bone. I love that club And uh, I can't wait to be there. Steve Big Dick Rogers will be there and I'm doing the comedy club of Kansas city in two weeks. That's june

Shit, I don't know. I hear good things about the room and it's a fun town The barbecues killer and there's some jazz going on over there. I like kc 24th to 26th I'll be there comedy club of Kansas city and uh, and join that goddamn patreon. I mean, it's blowing up now It's like a carlin's old bit about tattoos or something that doesn't make sense But you don't want to be one of these losers without the patreon right god sakes, right? It's killer stuff We got amazing shit going on It's just uh, it's world-class patreon. So so join up sign up And uh follow us subscribe on youtube and all that shit and watch the specials

I'm almost at four million. It might be four million. I haven't looked in a minute, but it was 3.93 or something like that I feel like you had a resurgence. You're you're you're back on track. Yeah, maybe rogan I don't know what it is, but it's it's gonna be four million under a year. That's pretty good Yeah, that's damn good. Uh, I'm in Orlando this week at the improv never been. I love Orlando It's a wacky little town. I like those people love Orlando. I like Orlando. I always do uh decent numbers there I'm out there with my pal shaw then I'm in san antonio with old andrew youngblood That's gonna be a fun at the rock box two brothers Uh, I'll do two brothers then uh, finally got a port portland date in october phoenix at cb live

I don't know what the hell that is, but I hear it's awesome Syracuse funny bone that could be a that could be a kick in the pants Toledo funny bone that could also be weird houston improv back in tahas philly helium That'll sell buffalo helium date and funny bone appleton wisconsin arlington improv and braya At the uh in uh california at the improv. So yeah, california hit the patreon tell a friend queef it up braze a la and uh We love you. Thanks. Thank you. We're grateful tits. Yeah, I just think got it kids in cages I