Tuesdays with Stories! - #405 Wiggly Wing

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

Hoo weeee, it's another hot ep as Joe plans a trip to Germany before enduring some emergency wifi troubles while Mark helps a youngster through some airplane turbulence before a wild time in Orlando. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays), & Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

you know I love me some blue Jew Tuesdays the story is brought to you by blue chew I love this stuff that never fails keep one in the a weird pocket rock hard last a while you get like an extra half inch which Lord knows I need and the lady loves it she feels more attractive because I don't you know watch videos beforehand and get myself worked up taste good feels good can recommend it enough and I'll tell you I break them in half and I'll use it that things that good 12 hours for me well I got I got to check it out I got to get in this YouTube situation because of this thing is pretty amazing if you can talk to a licensed medical provider this is a

prescription drug here for sick for God's sakes yes prescription online it ships right to your door in a discrete package and blue chew makes everything right here in the u.s. a it's an online prescription service they can save a ton of money compared to the name brands all you have to do right now we got a special offer just for you guys visit blue chew dot com and get your first shipment free when you use special promo code Tuesdays just pay five dollars in shipping again that's B L U E chew dot com promo code Tuesdays to try it for free got to do it folks hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag haha

surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah this is Tuesdays with stories everybody nah that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my baby yo is spitting at me

ha hey folks here we are it's Tuesday we're Tuesdays and uh yeah we're feeling kooky what's shaking fatty good to be here I feel the reverse of you I was you yesterday and you're me today well you were a little uh zoned out yesterday a little flight happy road hard put away wet oh I was all fucked up but I feel so refreshed right now I wish I could just send it to you I wish I could bend you over the table kick your legs out fuck you right on the ass and give you what I have

please herpes I well that too but uh I have yesterday Sunday recording Monday Sunday I had the five a.m. five thirty flight out of Des Moines five flight five thirty a.m. flight ha chi machi that's a nightmare from Des Moines to Minneapolis Minneapolis to LaGuardia and got it and uh it was the kind of play where I told the lady Alicia the manager she's like what time do you need the cab she's got the phone ready to call the cab and I'm like I needed that like three forty five she was like what she's like I think you read that wrong there's no there's no planes out of this airport at that hour

and I'm like I'm telling you lady yeah and she's like holy shit I didn't even know anyone flew out that early what the hell so I never I'm scarred because remember Omaha yeah they the guy didn't pick me up oh yeah and luckily Colleen shout out to Colleen one of the great club managers big call love you call I called her and she just threw on some slip over and took me there what a gal magical and this time so I don't trust especially nowadays you know there's less Ubers there's no yellow cabs out here gone like the dodo or Native Americans yes exactly how right

now that's the other one there we go yes that's the Calvary the Calvary at somebody pointed out at Jacobsfield the Cleveland Indians stadium it's progressive field I think now they don't do that like the because you know baseball teams do the sure but they're the Indians oh yeah not very progressive doesn't make sense well now I think they're not the Indians they're gonna be the Cleveland you know queers or whatever it is could you do like the Choctaw could you get specific where the Cherokees or where the Sue I think some people that Florida state is the Seminoles but they're upset about that

because they do the Tomahawk chop the chop yes chop is bad bad salads decent TV show I never saw it never had the salad never went never watched the show but have you seen the show this is the show but anyways the Tomahawk chop is horrible it's a whole thing I don't know whatever but I don't I don't quite get it but I don't want to go up in that whole alright thing you know I mean there's enough people talking about that I don't quite understand you got the fight in Irish why can't yeah I it's it's like we're rooting for Indian or Native Americans yeah well maybe that's it maybe they got the Cleveland Native Americans that's too long yeah nobody cares who cares all right I don't think they care

they're too busy drinking and gambling yeah you fucking sons of bitches oh yeah but anyway so sue me I said I'm Cherokee to success I don't know where did you pull that out of it wasn't good but let me get the hoodie off I could hit the AC if you need their sloppy Jalopy that's not too bad all right I'll take it all right so anyways I got the 530 flight to the pickups 345 but I never trust these guys so she calls them up and it's alright it's like midnight I'm like we have 345 he's like yeah all right and then hangs up so Steve and I wake up and what do you think about this I had a good moment a good thought where I was like no let me be better than this but so we're going to bed like 1am because you got a late

show and then you got to go home you got to pull your pud and watch real time the whole thing yep yep yep so we're going to bed at like 1am there's a wedding and the entire wedding party is on my floor oh god that's a nightmare and I got the alarm set for 345 so I got 245 max and it's just at one point I heard like a boombox or whatever the kids are using Lord have mercy just music up the hallway everyone's shouting yelling and I thought to myself I was laying there with like eyes open I'm like I want to go out there I want to beat the snot out of them should I call down to the room right but I thought what I'm definitely going to do is wake up at 345 you get picked up hmm I'm gonna bang on some door I'm gonna

play some music a little goose for the game exactly how fun will it be that I'll throw on you know Pantera yeah vulgar display of anal or whatever it's called I just just blast it and that'll that's what I'll do and I'll slam my door and really cough and make some noise because fuck them yes yes the old flipper who exactly but so that I woke up at 345 that that wake up where it's like oh god and me me me me you know what I did I said what am I doing why am I gonna get revenge who cares I was once like them I was a drunk piece of shit and they're not doing it to me true they're having a nice time they're getting drunk they're getting crazy what are you gonna do that's true and you don't want to be the guy with the nightcap

in the candle going excuse me could you keep it down I have a flight in the morning you know then they just go screw you old man and crank it up and they get louder or no they'll pull your panties over your head or they'll you know rub dog shit on your door handle whatever it is yeah so I thought better but I said no need to do that I went downstairs supposed to get picked up but I think it was a 4 a.m. pickup so we go down there and same flight as the other kid as Steve Rogers huge cock saw him in the pool I got a glance at that thing I saw an imprint I saw it's like a microphone it's huge man heavy on the end too ah yes like a megaphone he's got a cute little body this kid he's got swimmer bod he's ripped

nice big old dong his shirt's the size of my fucking nephew's it's a little much he's a little bit of a twink that kid I don't know if he's trying it wrong or what's going on but his his shirt looks like a it looks like the shirt you put in like the bathtub and it grows ah yeah it's one of those shirts you throw on a Barbie or a Ken it's a Barbie shirt but anyways sweet kid he comes down there and I'm trying not to be cynical but I'm like it's 358 we walk down I'm like as soon as the car is not there usually cars waiting a professional car company 358 he's not there I'm already freaking out and then I wait till exactly 4 on the dot call the company yeah guy answer hello lucky cab not so lucky for me

mmm and I go hey I got a 4 a.m. pickup and just want to make sure he's still coming he goes yeah he overshot it a little bit oh I guess he's there you go brazella so I go I got a 4 a.m. pickup it's 4 a.m. yeah and the guy goes he overshot it what does that mean yeah I think he missed the exit or something it's a squirter and he goes oh he's on his way though and I go okay great I hang up I go he's on his way which makes you feel a little relief a little bit but 4 minutes pass and I go he's on his way that could mean he could be an hour away exactly it's a little vague there sloppy strike a pose vague vague vague ah vague it ah that's dumb we should start over I just stink on ice over

come on keep it cooking I'm wrapped up in the tail well it's a nice tail but anyways it's 405 408 410 I call back no answer then I get a text saying I can't answer my phone while with a customer I wrote back I wrote back what because I was calling the dispatcher right and the guy right what and the guy's like I have a customer can't answer the phone but I'm like but this is the dispatch number and you're not supposed to have a customer you're picking us up right then I get a text it says GPS says 5 to 8 minutes so I'm like what GPS gives you 5 to 8 yes are dead on now good point boy you're crack squad on this I'm like dick gainle but so finally born it says he says he pulls it like yeah you hear

the car and you can hear like this in the distance because we're the backside of the hotel you just hear like wow skidding in like the delivery man in the home alone right he comes ripping in we jump in the cabin there's like no words but he's like sorry the exit was the thing and we're not we're not really having it shoots us to the airport I got pre check of course I get right in and I'm first class and right as I walk up to like now boarding first class was kind of nice it worked out great but made home but 45 minutes of sleep so all day yesterday I was snapping and yelling the n-word and hiling Hitler it was a crazy day you just feel like a different person it's a nightmare I totally get it so wait a minute

did you get a nap in no nap because once I get home I'm like I won't now because this way I'll sleep well right so I just got through the night stayed up watch some TV some hockey some golf the tennis the whole thing that's true and then slept like a light like a light that's broken and then woke up today I feel refreshed I feel renewed hallelujah there the sleep there's all these studies now no sleep will kill you you lose 10 years of your life if you don't get a snooze in fuck you smoke all you want drink all you want fuck all you want as long as you're getting a nap exactly it's really bad you can feel I had like a weird muscle spasm on my left side my tooth hurt my eyes I was all blinky I was snapping you

got to go into reserves because think about it your phone is on 2% when it's done it's just done but you're on 2% and you pretty much are out of battery but you're still going yeah you got to go but I was so glad a lot I didn't have any spots and I just sat and watched sports and movies all day so it's kind of nice this party that's kind of nice you feel like a little fucked up it's like your special day right right yeah well I'm special needs but I'll tell you my big thing is I'll do these early flights oh you had a connection too yeah that was tough but I'll do these early flights and then I don't realize it and I got two spots that night and one of the spots is 1141 you're like

ahhh what am I doing to myself that's rough now you got to be you got to really be aware of that shit oh yeah well you got to I got to tell you was this a cab or a car service this is a cab sir a cab company lucky cab but we built booked it ahead you get in that cab and you kind of go I get why Uber is thriving you know because this guy is smoking a stogie he's got the seat all the way back up on the back seat he's playing reggae you know he's got the dice in the mirror and it hitting a coke key and there's no standards like Uber you have to have a certain kind of car a cab just whatever oh yeah it's a hoopty well then we landed at LaGuardia and used to be just cabs everywhere so we go then there's

a bunch of cabs but in the old days I live in Astoria which is like 10 minutes from the airport so they used to give you a ticket because if you wait in line as a cab driver then your fare that you find they get is like down the street you get a ticket back to the front of the line yes they don't do that anymore so now the guy's been waiting I go hey we got a cab and I go and I know they don't do the ticket system anymore but I want him to know that I care so I go hey they didn't give me a ticket and he's like oh there's no ticket anymore right and I was like what no ticket I'm just acting yes because I know he's getting fucked or whatever and he's like all right but they I get pissed because they're mad at

you yes I'm like that's where I live you're a cab driver you're at the airport he wants a big fare they want a big fare and my fare is $12 because I'm down the street but I'm like I don't know what you want me to do it's a shitty part of the job I think we might have the same goddamn conversation before but it's the same as you know whatever it's part of the job so I just said I'll give you a nice tip he goes well you pay cash they want cash I go I don't have cash but I'm going to give you a crazy tip so I tip him like ten bucks it was like $14 I gave him 24 I had Steve chip in some cash too so there you go you're happy with that yeah but and it's go right back you know you get another you get another

hack yeah I feel I feel for these cab drivers but at the same time I mean there's years of how many times you've been in a cab they drive like shit they're doing a hundred they don't pick up black people their car smells like shit they yell at you there's so party is like man that's how it goes yeah yeah well let me let me throw this one at you because you mentioned the cash thing in the 80s 7-11 maybe it was the 70s 7-11 stores made a bid to like open up a New York City like why don't we have any 7-11's in New York City we're the biggest you know convenience store of all time New York and everybody said blow me we're going bodega we don't need your dumb chain bullshit and they said all right all right and they

packed up they moved it out 7-11 came back about seven eight years ago killed it and now they're blowing up everywhere because the card fatty the card has come back what card credit card cash anymore so now these 7-11's are killing it in the bodegas are dying yeah it's weird because I don't I try not to go to 7-11 because I care about the bodega guys but sometimes you know they can be ass mouches too oh yeah with the cat on the on the Goya beans and the the weird smell and they're out of everything you know it's got some empty shelving sometimes you're like who's buying spam right yeah I still try not to go to the seven because there's one over here yeah but I try not to hit it but yeah that's the way

it goes I mean I talked about this this weekend and we've said this before too but it's like these corporations you want to hate I hate they're taking over I do hate that every fucking block is all corporations yep but they make it easy it's like they had that great joke they all they started small and they made it they made it and you know you just make it so the app is like Domino's I've talked about this we it's like you hit three buttons I open my phone I open Domino's I click reorder confirm yeah exactly what I want is on its way and the other place I got to call Dino's and it's some guy going hey hey put that down put that over there what do you want a large pizza okay large and I'm like what what is it and

they got the address wrong and you don't know what the fuck I know and then you go can I pay with a car they go oh here we go with the car and I'm like it's 2021 get a fucking swipey or a chippy or or something well not to mention you got to read the car yeah four nine six seven eight two and you just hear shit in the background so it's tough I mean Chipotle you're you zip through and it tastes the same and it's fucking state same size same amount same anal same diarrhea but still it's the same product then you get the always get that one New Yorker guy you go on a subway you know you can get a fucking 12 pounds of fresh cut turkey Bors head over here if you go to Sally's dick list and you go alright

I'll go to Sally's dick that you walk in they call you a homo the guy smoking he's ashing into the olive mix the whole thing sucks and they're like it's part of the thing I'm like well this is part of this thing and the Starbucks I got a nice app and they get credits every four drinks is free good point boop boop boop boop you save stars the other place gives you a punch card but the punch card falls out of my wallet it's torn it's ripped and by the time you come back they're like oh well we don't do the punch card anymore that was an old thing it's out plus you need 27 sub sandwiches to get a free Pepsi and you're like it's bullshit I'll just pay for my own Pepsi right and some of them just knock

it out my Starbucks Broadway and 31st Street Starbucks in Astoria is the best business I've ever been to I walk in they all you gotta come over there and see I think I've seen this when they go hey Joe Joe they go hey Joe so yeah you came over hey Joseph hey Joseph they're all the things already ready made for me they just hand it to me I love him on the lips and I love all of them I know the whole cast and crew over there one guy called me a quiff I was like look at this guy it's unbelievable and so it's hard I'm trying to support but we're all full of shit because everybody goes Bezos and Amazon they have horrible work conditions for their douches and I'm not using them then 16 packages show

up and they go I got my toilet paper and my lip roller and my onions it's hard I won't I don't buy books on Amazon I try to go to a bookstore I know I try to not go to Barnes and Noble and go to the indie bookstores because I like the indie bookstore I miss the indie DVD store but Amazon I got Mouse which we'll get into a few minutes but the trap it's like same traps as last time you hit reorder whoop they're gonna be right there and that way I don't have to walk to the store and then you know you gotta whisper I got a little mice here you got some mice Amazon doesn't judge good point condoms tampons Dover ring I mean that the shit comes faster than my girlfriend it gets there in like 20 seconds and you

look everybody's everybody's a cum guzzler up oh like you use it on an iPhone you got Air Jordans that's Nike Capredix on his knees I don't know what's going on it's hard and you want to be the difference you see right in the mirror the man in the mirror whatever the fuck it is but then you're also sometimes like am I gonna make a big difference am I going to Chipotle right now am I really saving somebody's business whatever so that's what everyone thinks and then it all adds I know I get it and when I go to Denver I go to Slippery Pizza whatever it's that Chipotle sneaky Pete sneaky butt plug whatever it is I'm with you there yeah so you try to give a little back but let's be honest not many

people are doing it it's very difficult but I do like I like a record stores I'm not buying records at Urban Outfitters I'll tell you that right now that's a sad state of affairs whoever's doing that that shit but anyway I got a bunch more but I want to hear from you where you've been you've been on that no what the fuck oh well I sometimes I feel like I talk about flights and travel too much so I'm trying to mix it up here and mix it up a little trying to keep the people happy everybody's got a bone to pick so you're not talking is everything I'm not talking about travel as much oh alright I think you're gonna just take the vow of silence and people are gonna be happy about that no no no silence

is violence but is it though I don't think so but anyway let's get back to the thing um yeah I don't nobody's like Harpo Marx it's a killer so he is a killer I had a chat with the lady here and we were like you know you got 18 shows she's dabbling in a little stand up and she's got 19 podcasts and running a show here and there I'm doing 78 shows on the road every weekend potting I go I haven't seen you in 68 days and I don't want to make it 69 nobody enjoys that let's be honest I love 69 I can't get a butthole close enough to my face well you could just shove a rectum in the face there you don't need her to be flipped over like that so you're saying I should just go rectum in the face not have

myself getting blown with the asshole in my face I mean you got a point but I don't want any ladies and shnaz next to my balloon knot either well it's on top the ball bag covers it that's just so great with the ball bag especially a lanky ball as we have yes it's like a lid yeah yeah yeah this is a melted candle down here but uh okay yeah it's kind of like a unblown up balloon over the balloon knot yeah interesting okay so either way haven't seen a year I get a I do a show I'm done by like 840 I say hey fat lady what are you doing she goes hey I'm sitting at home I go put your ball gown on we're hitting the town there dickless oh I love a town hit and it was all spontaneous she goes ah she runs downstairs

we grab a couple of beers and we walk around and you know it's still COVID year whatever so not much is fun and open but we find this one but you know when you're walking around the village you go maybe we'll go here you look at the menu how hungry are you I could eat a snack you want to drink okay that's no good that place is closing that place is weird so we find the perfect place called analog just a nice kind of a cocktail bar okay you know they got the guy with the bow tie and the suspenders oh yeah and we go in and I go ah look I know it's I know we're pushing it here on time by the way New York City never sleeps that shit's over those days have come and gone oh it sleeps baby oh yeah it's got

narcolep so ah Mark Alepsey so I go hey I know it's late he goes Mark Norman I go yeah he goes I'm a Tuesday holy hell I go right on fatty he gets me the best seat in the house the waiter comes over he's like we're all gays here's a couple shots they give her a couple glasses of wine we get a charcuterie whatever the hell and just a great night came home great plowed the lady oh little dialogue and analog oh anal we put the anal analogue and the guys like I got a back room here they used to be a speakeasy where they did jazz shows you want to do a show here I'm like yeah yeah sounds good keep it moving quiff and yeah so it's fun great night in the village walked home made sweet sweet love and dozed off I love

a restaurant origin story where they're like this used to be the mob hang Luciano ate a bowl of pasta over here right and you know you know harpro marks you know whatever like the kid yeah whatever that's why the comedy store is fun like this was C. Rose I know a baby over here and they did blow off like Lincoln's hat you're like Jesus Christ a lot of history I know there's ghosts and suicide in there that place is great oh yeah great there's so many twists and turns in that place it's like a little little ekebler elf tree just keeps moving I gotta get out to LA I miss LA I miss I'm so fucking grateful to be back running around doing the thing I was in Des Moines no mask laws or rules I just I didn't

even leave with the mask I'm just out and about it's fantastic and I really think people are vaccinated or they don't give a shit so there's nobody left to mask right and the people are the most angry about no mask like you're fine the guy without the mad live he's not vaccinated that's on him what are you worried about but I don't even see anybody getting mad about the mass anymore I haven't seen anyone who heard anybody mad about someone not wearing a mask I get it at a rest you walk in you're like oh like mad you gotta put the mask on then you go sit down six feet away and now your mask is off and you're sneezing and queening all over the table and they're fine with that but if you stand up you gotta

put it back it's all very it's all optics Jerry well that part's silly but I for a long time people were mad if you didn't wear your mask is like hey but now it just feels like oh you gotta put it on because it feels like it feels over to me I mean this is so exciting I just did Bobby's pod in the studio and whatever I mean it did Des Moines all weekend great shows thanks to all the Tuesdays that came out so nice the people are unbelievably nice got some gift cards a beautiful couple beautiful letters one guy gave me cash I've got him Adam he gave me a ten dollar bill he said please mention my name on the podcast and then his girlfriend was like yeah she was he was gonna sell me to you oh wow which I was interested

in I was gonna say hey I got ten fresh bucks here if you want to have a role in the tits and the gay yeah why not please but thanks Adam and thanks to everybody I mean it was just so nice great shows and felt so good to be on the goddamn road and then I felt like a killer these shows were killer killer shows Steve Rogers came did a great job warming them up and I got an act right now I'm excited about it I'm in Kansas City next weekend come out get some tickets because I got some kids all dick and shit but boy it it rips hey what's more relatable than that now what do you what do you think of this I think you're gonna I don't want you to judge but you might judge I'm not sure how you're gonna feel about this

here come the judge lay it on me sloppy jalopy I'm a little unsure of the reaction here because you know me I like to get crazy and compulsive and just spend some cake oh you didn't buy another Eisenhower catalog or something you got some fucking John Wilkes Booth the program what do you got here well this one's a little different I think you're gonna like this a little better all right it's not a thing but so I'm sitting with crypto you know you know when you're in the room after the show I'm just sitting there I mean I'm pulling my putt I'm thumbing my ass I'm flipping through channels all at the same time yep yep and then you just look at your phone cuz you're like I guess I look at my phone so I start

looking at my Delta situation and it's like you've reached silver oh I hope but I'm platinum this year but you have to redo it every year I know I get you I have this thing I don't know if it's ego or just life in general but I'm like I can't go backwards yeah I'm with you fatty I won't go back we will not go back isn't that one of the chance I can't remember 9-11 never forget who can keep up I don't know what's what but I'm like I can't go back and I'm like silver I'm platinum I can't go to silver but it's like you have to the end of the year and I go well shit I gotta buy some flex cuz I'm doing the road less you know what I mean I'm like I got less road gigs I'm trying to be home a little bit more because

it's too much every week I want to kill myself flying every week this is how they get you this is literally why they do this platinum they want you to go I can't go back I gotta I gotta stay platinum like dr. Dre I know it's all status you know he smashed a woman's head through a wall I know it's very strange it never comes up completely fine yeah then some guy got fired for writing a book and he called a woman stupid right yeah dr. Dre Sam Harris right through a wall yeah I mean it's crazy I know he's on the board of Apple or something whole list of people that have done horrendous shit that are completely fine I mean I don't want them to get in trouble cuz I don't like any of that but if we're gonna

do it to one guy why not do it to the other guilty guy yeah it's pretty interesting yeah any tits so I'm sitting there I go I gotta book some flights I'm looking at my calendar and I thought you know I've always wanted to go to Berlin Christmas Christmas time well Christmas time not coming they have the markets down there you know markets Christmas markets that's their whole thing they have a ferris wheel the lights Google image some Christmas markets sometime it's pretty fun Christmas market well it's a market for Christmas the holocaust wasn't enough they gotta shove Christmas down these Jews throat to Lord Germany is the capital of Christmas it's Chris Kringle I think he's German Santa Claus is that right I believe

he is a big a big germ but wait what about Norway isn't Norway something I think Norway is oh maybe that's where reindeer come from that's right I ate one one time yes I think I think he got some with the Norway I think Norway has something to do with Santa Claus yeah but close sounds German yeah but the Norwegians aren't a jolly bunch and Santa's all job that's his old thing he's fat he's got red cheeks he's fucking the elves it's true we'll get to the bottom of this later I think Germany they love Christmas but they have these big markets all over and it's like a it's like a flea market but for Christmas they got I think like little things and tree I don't know what the fucking is but they had a terrorist

attack there and I said that seems like a fun place to go they did in Berlin I don't know if it was Berlin it was one of the German Christmas markets I know they had a wall they got the wall there and they got these crazy dance clubs that like start at midnight and they go till noon the next day which I won't go to but it's something to say to my wife pretend we're going to go I think they got October Fest as well right I cancel last year because of pandemic or right but could you get a soda over there could you get a soda with a big mug I guess so mug stand right because you don't you want to fit it you want to stand out but you got your you got your big chalice there and you're later hosin well whatever

it is I said you know what I've always every year you know you have these things every year you're like we should go to Germany for Christmas time yes so I said what the fuck and then I go into Delta I forgot I had seven thousand dollars of the flights from twenty nineteen or twenty twenty including away including us sorry is always creeping it up out there and I was like my hog yeah someone stole your wife but so it I had a two thousand dollar flight I bought two tickets to Melbourne because they never use them so I see them the credits they're just hidden in here so I got credit so I pulled up a couple flights to Berlin I said give me two tickets got them for three hundred bucks using the voucher yes

the vouch cost me six fifty to fly one person round trip to Des Moines three fifty to fly to Berlin so I'm going to Berlin I go hey guess what they're a salty tits you're going to Germany I love it I think this is great I what do you think what do you mean judging this is killer I love this is lunch you're going to Germany fatty I bought a couple books I buy a car I spend money like a fucking drunken hooker but but this is a life experience this is a this is a thing a book a book is a book for a crook get a nook this is a real trip that's a good point so I'm going to Berlin around Christmas time can't wait I look up some markets I got and then the hotels it hasn't like opened there yet because the vaccine

whatever the fuck so I found this hotel it's like a four and a half star hotel eighty bucks a night I got us like a pimp ass spa hotel the whole works and I can't wait I'm going to Germany most of us in high Easton David Hasselhoff you have a hole yeah I'm with you well wait a minute I mean is does your lady ever get down on her knees and blow you like why what the fuck I got the most spontaneous fun loving cookie living life on the fast lane quit from the biz well I think she's excited I guess nice but I mean I sometimes I do say I'm like I think you have the number one best husband all time I mean I'm loyal as a puppy dog out here I only jerk off thinking about other people I'm not fucking them you know

what I mean and do a lot of jerking off yeah you're there and you know the Kramer the butler I'm a nice guy you know I don't do drugs I don't drink I bring home the bacon I fry it in the pan I mean sure I don't cook or eat her cooking and her pussy but yeah you take some you lose them but we're going to Berlin and you know I'm taking the socks game and what are you going to do concerts out the ass you guys go to the beach you go to Maine you go to bean town you're a user on the road I mean what a guy we're jet setters baby yeah good person so I'm excited I'll see in Berlin and this some Berlin gaze maybe she sent me the place with his thing or maybe we'll we'll kiss or whatever oh this is but is the world

definitely gonna open up how do we know what the scheduling is on the Cove well I'm a little nervous because I didn't look that up until after but they're starting to roll out their vaccines there they're opening up a little bit and didn't the vaccine come from Germany German scientists or doctors or some that's close yeah they're all honkies over there I don't I can't keep up we just started vaccinating three months ago and we're kicking ass out here so but they have six months to open up it's got to be open sure okay I think you got time I think you'll be alright and they're going to throw a lot of was it cheap I assume because they the flight buying a ticket for a year in advance the flight wasn't cheap at

the hotel is crazy cheap okay and I don't know we'll see and the markets are outside too I think they're on that's another thing by the way with the masks I'm watching the French open they're all wearing masks outside I'm like a hundred percent I know shown I mean I understand early on they didn't know what we thought it was to play but now it's like I don't get it you're outside like there's less than one percent transmission outside I think it's a hey there's the way the wind's blowing we don't want to be judged we don't want to stand out I think that's what are they we're just scared to get in yellow day you don't want to be the one guy not wearing a coat and go what a look at this inconsiderate cook but you're like we're out outdoor we should use

the science we have follow the science and we follow the science on certain stuff but then we go fat people are healthy you're like well what are we doing here we got the doctor right it's all very strange yeah well I mean you just think you update as you go I mean that's how it should be early on you don't know so you go this is what we got to do and then it you go it turns out we don't need to do that we should do this and then by the end you should go well you definitely go outside it's hot out of course of course and it's open air and the whole thing's made up anyway obviously but good for you I want to say one thing about a flight and then I'll leave it alone but I had a moment with a child okay on a flight and I think it it was big it was it was touching

not in a Epstein way or a subway Jared Fogle way but like I'm on this flight to Orlando I went to Orlando all weekend at the Improv and great club good time had a had a fun with this gal Heather Shaw open killed it funny as hell Shaw Smith was great Doug Key popped in he just happened to be in town weirdly enough he did guess that's just a hot weekend two Shaw's yeah strange Heather Shaw Shaw Smith no release but Shaw Shank redemption but either way I'm flying up to Orlando I got there early to do the lounge again I'm obsessed with the lounge I'm hooked on the lounge Oh the airport line yeah I thought there was a club in Orlando oh no no no I the lady was like what times you flight I'm like that's a tune she's like well where you going it's 10 I'm like I'm getting

that loud I want all the lounge time I can get so I go to the airport we get on the plane normal flight this row next to me across the aisle is a cute little six-year-old kid with his mom and we hit some wild wacky kooky turbulence I'm talking like woo you know it was like the whole crowd goes you know the big drop yeah and then you could see the wing wiggling that wing is wiggly out there well don't always remember a wing it's built they can almost touch they can bend so far it helps I guess so but it's it's not a good look there bad look but that helps mentally with people because you think it's gonna break off but it doesn't break it bends all the way up it bends baby it's like a boner though you're like I don't want that to bend too much it might snap Mercedes yes Maxi pad with

wings but I look over and this kid is petrified he's beyond screaming he's like Jesus is he alone I was the fat mom is holding him and she's got the tits on either side of his head but I mean he's just like this is it you could tell he thinks we're gonna die tits by Dre yeah yeah so this kid and I was that was beaten it but this kid is freaking out and I didn't know what to do and I was scared to the whole the whole plane is scared the the stewardess flight attendant airway with the N word you can't do it is sorry sorry bleep it out Shelby all right the uh the plane whore is walking down and the captain's going like all right everybody buckle up this is gonna be crazy you know it's I was like this guy's too loosey-goosey the waitress happened to be walking down and she got on her knees

and did like one of these like holding the seats she was terrified that when you see them scared you go oh boy this is real deal she's holding the seats she's holding the arm the armrest on either side like oh my god I think it's a move they teach in Delta camp or whatever so the Burke yeah so uh I'm like oh boy this is scary this is scary you look out the window it's just white you know sheet white cuz you're in the clouds somewhere okay and yeah and I look over in this little kid cute little black kid he's got his device you know his little Game Boy or whatever and he throws that to the side he's trembling he's shaking like a leaf and I go to I look at the kid I go I gave a thumbs up like it's gonna be okay he's got no dad the dad walked out clearly so I stepped in

nice step in I stepped in I go and he goes like you think you alright I went it's gonna be good I gave him the eye we got the mask on so I couldn't you know lick my lips or anything you look like a pilot like Maverick yes so I go and he goes and I go yeah and then we evened out it all came back though the stewardess lady got up and walked past and high-fived everybody and the kid went oh that's a sweet moment Ray Ray and big Steve we all chilling and shit yeah yeah good time so yeah you're welcome there dickless that away sunny boy oh yeah you stay in school alright Thursday's stories is brought to you by Robert Kramer on yeah don't you kids stay in school oh too good great guy did you know Matt Wayne gave me a fun fact about that scene when Kramer's on

Regis and Kathy Lee yeah that I guess guys boncos boncos you know that story no well Regis filled and evidently didn't want to say boncos he was like nobody says boncos what is this and he's like I'm not gonna say that we'll change it to bonkers and then Larry had to be like you're saying boncos oh wow boncos you're saying boncos he's like alright I'll say boncos boncos it feels like a Regis thing it does I thought he riffed that no he's like I never say this no one ever says this this is no word but I think it was like you know Peter Melman and Larry David were like you gotta say boncos it was saying boncos it's funnier I remember not getting like why is he saying boncos but it works because I thought it felt Regis-y I'm telling you this guy

is boncos he nailed it Regis is a talent you guys should really watch Seinfeld if you have it we'll do another watch along soon oh yeah where the last one's standing here uh Tuesday's Stories is brought to you by Express VPN using the internet without Express VPN is like talking on speakerphone in the middle of a crowded restaurant no everyone knows your business you got that right don't be that person when it comes to your internet get Express VPN why do you need a VPN without one your ISP can be seen on every site you visit or every site you see they turn around they sell that info to ad companies Express VPN creates a secure line between you and the internet it runs in the background and just one click your whole wi-fi network is covered tell tell

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jumbo this product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical but you already knew that so get 20 off at lucy.co with code Tuesday's get on it folks uh all right you gotta go i just did all that germany's shit oh that's fascinating when's the trip december i don't know second week of december all right all right gotta get those mileage baby yeah so i just went down to orlando florida florida is such a fun gig anywhere tampa miami orlando you name it jacksonville is on the fence but it just it just feels great it's like going to wuhan you're like whoa it's another country down here they do what they want they live on the fly to the seat of their anal i mean it's fun to visit i don't know if i want to live there

but just going down there you're like whoo throw that mask in the shitter don't wear condoms and just say slurs yeah orlando i feel like we got a little bit of a difference on orlando i suppose but i feel you with tampa tampa i love t west i love miami i like in some ways doses uh fort lauderdale that's fun t west and tampa that's florida to me here here and i did a little bit of uh what's the one where you uh gainsville i did some gainsville that's fun tom petty the gators that's it against me a band um but uh orlando you know i don't want to hurt any feelings or ruffle any feathers but orlando if you wouldn't mind taking that trip to tampa because sure yeah orlando i i'm nervous i mean i always got beat up at shaw's gig last time i was there all right right i wanted to

fight me and then out in the streets it was a little bit of uh it felt like you know austin if you know what i'm saying well there's a couple of uh kooks down there because it's it's the whole town is based on entertainment like a universal disney world the other one they're all just it's these weird carney folk it feels like anybody who lives there it's just that they seem a little wilder in orlando yeah it's a lot of uh they're they're like hawking stuff it's like a yes like barkers it's a lot of like this roller coaster this they have like freestanding rides where you like do like it's like jumping out of a plane it just randomly on the side of the road you buy a ticket to a thing completely so i like a little that because i'm from new orleans it's got that

kind of nasty degenerate vibe there you go downtown the fucking streets are packed every bar is full people are fist fighting doing heroin the blow my god the blow uh so the shows were good we filled them up a lot of them but uh i sold every shirt which is great thanks gays but drunks at every show is one of those nights were like the the feature show we got off stage you go they're great this is a hot one you go up and you're doing 50 55 by about 38 they're gone they are just in the bag yelling screaming fall you know you hear a lot of shut up one guy drops a glass you know the waiter gets his ass pinched it was wild but you got yeah it was a slugfest towards the end but you you pulled through and they're all in good spirits literally but it's not the mean heckle

it's like you go girl kind of shit that's chaperoni type of thing yes you'd be your baby sitting 20 minutes left yeah that's tough i've done that room a few times and it feels like it's kind of a rowdy area because it's all the things that you love about florida yes make it tougher for comedy because everybody's out jet skiing and screaming obscenities all day by the time they come around to comedy they're like they're showing their crispy tits yes exactly great doughnut but i was like all right sunday will be it'll be reserved you know sunday is kind of nice night god's day will take it easy and it's so weird when you do those rowdy rooms all weekend or those rowdy shows when they're paying attention you're like this is amazing this is magical but that's what a show's

supposed to be right isn't that weird you get a you get a conditioned yeah well again i hate to shit on orlando because there's things i like about orlando i'll think of some they know someday they know it's every guy was like thanks for coming sorry about the crowd but the thing with orlando nobody ever in the history of comedy or orlando has been like you gotta do orlando that's the room that's the city that's the town yeah you gotta hit orlando except maybe did someone do a special there i don't think so maybe like america's funniest home videos is there that's what they do they do uh what's that one with the asians falling into the water uh big harbour no it's the one the big uh the big bank there what's that one where it's like the wipe out wipe out

oh wipe out why feels very orlando-y you know just like hey we'll hit you with a big styrofoam mallet and you go ah and your whole family goes damn he lost right american gladiaries yeah all that shit so uh yeah orlando is a kooky place but uh we had some fun shows and then i just you know you're in orlando you get swept up in florida something about that florida makes you want to fuck a guy's wife and do ketamine and eat out a dog but went out to like six in the morning on saturday night and it was like what am i doing yeah you wake up at two you feel like ass you're shitting blood you're like what am i doing i'm 37 years old and i used to do that every weekend yeah yeah every night i mean we went crazy but yeah that shit's no good it's no fun and uh

you get nothing out of it now you feel like shit it's horrible it's like the worst and then we went to a house party and everybody's on drugs and look i'm eating over here i know do what you want and live your life i'm not judging but it just i'm i'm past that and you have things to do on sunday i had a zoom call and a pocket and all this shit and you're like i gotta get it together you know you wake up you got eight texts you're like i can't even look i can't look the responsibilities orlando house party i'd rather i go to the doctor the shirapan is oh man there was a ferret running around somebody had a nose ring i mean all things bananas but uh i it's in me jerry i it's part of who i grew up as and uh it's hard to shake it's like a fat guy just like fuck the diet i'm eating

the cheesecake i get it but an orlando house party i mean that's where we're different i would just go back to the room and drink 75 cocktails and beat off in the bible well those pages they get they get sticky but it's just tough because you're out with the gang you know you got the openers and the in the guest spot you're all drinking and then you don't want to go alone so you just where are you guys going oh we're going to dickhead's apartment over here in the you know pecan valley or one of these apartment complexes and yeah yeah they're watching icp and we're all drinking uh was it some wacky punch you know it's brutal you're gonna get the icu i mean george part i don't know what that just sounds awful to me but you know you have some fun you

get some memories i mean i mean i'm not even getting the story out of no no story i sat on the couch and chug vodka and made a gay joke every now and then just to show him i'm still there and then you know m m a's on and i got a dog eat my ass the whole thing's the whole thing's a blur is anyone wearing mickey mosey ears i picture mickey mosey ears no no no ears are out because it feels like the burger king remember there was always the guy that part of the burger king crown he's like man how is that guy a couple times oh really yeah i feel bad about it what are you gonna do you get it we got i'm wearing the crown it's ironic and people like i get it it sucks yeah yeah yeah nobody likes the king the king is dead but i'm back here and i'm queer

yeah well it's good to have you back by the way speaking of queer i showed up at the airport look why the airport with steve big dick rogers huge line the airport because we're back at five a.m. no this is the difference way out and it's packed crazy line and he goes i'm clear and again i'm like what the opener's gonna beat me through the line you gotta be shit me i love clear and they go the lady goes hey well right now we're doing a special offer if you bring your buddy 50 bucks he gets clear for the year why and i said well i'm queer and i'll take clear for the year yeah clear are you going clear like a Scientologist yeah so i grabbed my gear and got queer clear for the year for 50 bucks here with him and i had to just put my fingerprints but doesn't it freak

you out i don't want to be one of these guys it's like they've given you the fucking vaccine so they can look at your tits at night but they literally said which one of these cities isn't meaningful to you why and it was rockford illinois which was the answer yeah burlington massachusetts where i worked at sears 25 years ago ever at mass where i fucked my dad like 30 years ago we've had many nights at ever at mass and then it was a story in new york where i currently live and i'm like where's this question from what is this what are they they following you they got a tabs on you you spitting a test tube to get your blood sample it's strange they scanned my eyeballs and then they knew i worked at the burlington mall wow and then they said when is sarah tallamash's birthday and i'm like all right

i type in sarah tallamash's birthday bloop you're clear and i'm like this is oh fucking freaky and i'm not one of these guys that eats mushrooms and you know doesn't use a payphone or whatever sure yeah you're on the grid there chat either that's it it's a wrap i mean it's a griddle i don't know what's going on but i i fucking wipe dog shit all over my windows they can't listen to my calls i'm scared to death you're gonna be wearing a tinfoil hat soon and uh bugging your phone because this is this is it you're in you're in the system i'm randy quade so i am the fucking short patrol i'm terrified but so we'll see but i got clear now and that's exciting but let me ask you this about the plane i don't want to be a cunt and i guess we talk about travel too much but we travel i bring

it on but so i'm on the flight i'm excited the french open you know me i'm a big tennis douche and i miss it already because the tournament was going on for two weeks so every day i was waking up at seven a.m i got tennis channel i'm watching the tennis and it's got into my routine yes because i wake up and i'm like i'll watch it a little bit of tennis love that joe kevic so joe kevic's playing uh sysapas on sunday it's the french open final it's comes on at eight a.m central the flight is at seven thirty okay two hour flight so i'm like they got delta i'm in first class and they stream they got the dish tv dish yeah direct direct tv dish whatever so i go great and i got my alarm all set you know when you set an alarm you don't need an alarm isn't that ironic every time the mental

exactly so it's uh seven fifty nine clicks over to eight a.m i go here we go i turn off my porn put it on and they go oh this is joe kevic the whole setup mac and rose there the whole thing and the first serve of the match couple bounces about to serve pa announcement and this is the announcement hey folks we understand we're having some trouble with our entertainment system no we're not i'm watching the match everybody can see there's only two rows in front of me because i'm first class son of a bitch but everyone's got their movies i'm like no fuck whoever's not working just tell them to blow me give a voucher yeah and you're the pa announcement is the trouble with entertainment i know he's fucking me so hard i just want to

watch the batch i've been watching the whole tournament there's nothing worse than when you watch every minute of a fucking tournament and it's kind of it's going to come it's the final thing the coming my ass and then he goes we got an entertainment problem so we got to reset the wi-fi oh that takes 30 minutes it goes it's going to be about 10 minutes and i wanted to go who we who's the who won't wear the ribbon i'm like who's entertainment system isn't working i want to come and shove my dick down their mother's throat yeah because i've been waiting for this this is all i have but you got to remember if this was you without the tv working you'd be whistling dixie i want the reset i'd be go up there and reset it okay if anyone's working i'm the most

important guy so i go i calm down i did a little straw breathing i pulled my penis again for the third time on this episode yep i did a little breathing calm myself down i go all right it's 10 minutes give me a four hour match i'll miss the first 10 minutes no big whoop it resets they're all back on i click on the menu live by dish click it just blank no channels you the guy blew it with the reset so i go fuck the reset fuck the retards fuck the re animator yeah yeah yeah sorry i gotta go uh pardon me sir and i'm in the window so the guy between us i gotta lean over the bald guy and this big fat sweaty monster comes up and goes help sir and i'm first class i'm getting the first class treatment he's like hello sir he's bowing or

whatever the shit bow and we're not big bing bomb no no i hate it i hate to be i don't want to be noticed i don't hide under the thing so i go i'm sorry i'm trying to watch the tennis match here this guy's like right now i'm gonna talk over a guy he's he could tell he's looking at me because he's watching werewolf three or whatever bullshit i go can i i'm like the the match that the tv's not working out was working earlier and the guy's like ah well i don't know let me go let me go check it out he goes i'll do some troubleshooting in a few minutes so i go all right all right i'm trying to be nice serve and love and and paddle volley the whole thing so he goes up and i'm watching him he fiddles with the thing he's hitting all these buttons he can tell you

doesn't know what he's doing because he's diffusing a bomb yep yep and then after about eight minutes of him fiddling it comes on i got the match the match is back but now you're ten minutes with the reset and another eight with the fiddle so exactly so i'm missing half the match it's like three three now and i'm okay it's back but i couldn't yell to him because there's a thing he kept fiddling uh he doesn't know what you're seeing he's continuing to fiddle and i'm like i'm like i'm waiting for i wanted to yell like sir but i'm in the third row can you go haha or he's not looking at you he's not looking he's got his back he's got to be back to these so he's fiddling with his back to me and i'm going and somehow i just know i got a six sense for this shit i go no stop fiddling

i got the match it's going it's coming it's going it's going finally boop boop boop shucks off and now it doesn't even say live tv by dish that the menu is gone oh no menu oh and i'm like fuck you had it we had it well can he go beep beep beep and do it whatever he did before if i would that's what i said so he comes back a few minutes later and i go pardon me sir i'm so sorry i want to kill myself this is such a first-class problem i'm like trust me i want to kill myself believe me i hate me more than you hate me the guy in the middle i'm like fuck you by the way the guy in the middle but next to me he was taking three miller lights like a seven a.m flight i was like i was like i got some i got some literature right in my bag here that would really help you

i think you want that guy easy easy breezy maybe but he could also be crazy he's drinking mill he's like crushing him on his head he's gonna snap my head off all right this guy sounds like my cup of jizz so i go pardon me sir i'm like it was working you turned it back on but now it's gone again i'm trying to be friendly but also a cunt yeah and he's like yeah i can't figure it out but i'm like well you did have it on yes could you backtrack yes and he's like backtrack what and i'm like ah never mind don't worry about it so finally he calls the lady from the bullshit people yeah he brings her up and she's she seems smarter because she's thinner and better looking sure and so she comes up and then she starts troubleshooting and then boom it comes back on

i'm like yes thank god he looks over i give him the thumbs up i'm like yeah dude thank you so now we're like the fifth set by this point it's been like a you know it's only realistically it's been about a half hour all in and finally i got it i go oh thank you i really appreciate that settle in start watching oh turbulence comes it starts getting all blocky and choppy and shitty and then they go folks we're uh experiences of turbulence so then it was just all shitty it looked like a bad porn yes exactly yeah which is that i don't mind as much because it's like it was working you turned it off yeah yeah but me finally came back on for a few minutes whatever we land i shot home i caught the last three sets it was wrong it was about four hours yeah it was a five set thing

and then so i got to see most of it still but it was one of those things when you're looking forward to something yeah the second fiddle was brutal brutal because i'm like you had it you did one too many buttons and i knew he was gonna do too many buttons what a rollercoaster i mean this is more intense than the actual game is not being able to get the game that's big it was brutal but all's and well that ends well and yeah all right wow joke of it by the way the most perfect hairline on a human being on a man i've ever seen he's got perfect everything he's unbelievable he was down two sets to love twice in the tournament that hasn't happened since 1946 we got wimbledon coming up it's all very exciting anyone he came back and won twice once against this rookie asshole

bertatino some some guinea 21 year old whippa snapper and then and then again sysipas this anal greek fellow yeah sysipas i don't like this kid he's got syphilis but joke of it is a hero the hairline it's got the hair like a lego it's a perfect line it's jet black there's not a piece out of place it's like a dome of hair it's unbelievable he's a lego head but he's a lego and he's gorgeous he's got a hell of a chin he's ripped he's thin he's doesn't have a piece of fat on that joke got a lot going on for him it comes on for i think i think that's all i got here oh well i i uh oh shit i had a question oh this is gonna be offensive i don't want to ask that but uh let's go good well not offensive but uh maybe a uncomfortable oh god well first of all i went to the airport i

forgot my mask i just was in florida so you don't even think about it mask is out you know it's a it's a masculine state and i get oh by the way i don't know i had the uh they're a little old school in florida they give you a car service like a guy just works for the improv and drives people that's his whole gig right you wonder how do you make money he looked like he was like a handsome porto rican guy looks like desi arnez got slick hair and glass aviator glasses on six five whatever the hell sexy latino x latin x i think it's clean x now uh god well either way he was a bit of a tissue and uh getting the car immediately starts trashing all the comics that's fun which is fun for me but then you're like what's he gonna say about my fat right but i kept it i

tried to keep it uh polite and nice but oh panett this and uh monique that and uh probably sure this and you're like oh my god i'm jerking it back to the dirt this guy was dishing was fantastic love dish dirt oh man you feel like uh like the most low maintenance cum guzzler ever because he's just like man i am a nice guy i get i get my ride i tip i get my own bag i blow the guy this he was just saying the horror stories of these people wow yeah so uh he picked me up he told me all about crypto the guy talked the entire minute if i if i tried to talk he would cut me off and i was like hey whatever you talk and uh tell me you talk i get to the airport that was good i get to the airport i go all right thank you sloppy jalopy i walk into the airport

no mask oh boy i didn't know what to do because i'm like he's gone every counter is jam packed there's a line out of my ass so i go okay well i can't go to the counter with no man because i'm just waiting in a line so i take my wallet out and i just put it over my face like this let me see if i can pull it off here because it's kind of masky it's kind of the same size oh that's not bad hold on you look at the gimp oh you got a nice leather mask yeah i got medieval on that airport and uh i finally get up to the clear guy all the way rat race maze not one bad look not one if anybody looked they go how come he got nowhere i don't want to wear a mask you know that's the only look i got got up to the clear guy go you got a you got a mask goes oh yeah sure

he didn't bring it up nobody asked me anything put on a shitty clear mask and got through i'm telling you nobody's mad about the no mask anymore i think we're all over it ah there's some queef out there in brookman a little give you a shit i guarantee you a couple wow certain areas i guess but for the most part i think we're good to go i hope you're right i'm done with it i'm done with the pandem i'm done with the vaccine talking i'm definitely done with the strains we got a new strain out in bolivia that'll that'll make your asshole bleed slime the new strain is delta they got they better not be platinum i'll say that yeah then they're coming right over here on a first class ticket germany that's the move yeah i'm going to germany

baby i'm impressed berlin no office more yeah i've always want to go to berlin it's it's artsy it's the only part of germany that's got a little soul it's artsy there's some not it's artsy nazi i mean there's some nazi stuff the markets and uh i'm excited we're right on the the spree river beautiful hotel i can't wait so if you're a german gay let me know the place the can't miss yeah i uh i had a trip to israel planned it was a comedy trip but i was gonna bring the the queef and uh pop over there it's like a 20 hour flight it's a whole thing i'd be there for a week and a half but that felt through with covet but uh now i don't even think i want to go to israel with the old uh bombing it's a little bit spicy over there i bombed there in an arena twice and uh i heard

it was tough best food i had in that whole european tour was israel oh yeah and what was what are we talking like middle eastern shit hummus and great leeson yeah i mean i i don't know it was fish and some other thing the other thing but we went to like the best restaurant in jerusalem and uh i was walking on water afterwards did you hit that televieve no but we landed in televieve and then the everybody in jerusalem was like you didn't go to televieve why don't you go to someone said if you didn't go to televieve you didn't go to israel which i hate people that talk like i hate that whole thing i'm like i went to jerusalem i mean like that's israel what are you talking about but they're like televieve is miami and it's it's new york it's new york meets miami i've heard every

version of miami new york so maybe someday i'll go to televieve but you get that shit at a restaurant if you don't get the swordfish you haven't eaten here i'm like i don't want the swordfish i want the big potato ah you get a big potato anyway you got to get the swordfish i'm like i don't want swordfish i love that moment convenience of cars with letterman when he goes don't you feel like if you're not drinking black coffee you're not drinking coffee and jerry goes no i love that it's so great great jerry moment great for two reasons one he's just shutting this guy down and two no one said no to letterman you don't hear a lot of people going like what to letter right he was the what guy well nbc said no to him hello folks all right well we're gonna wrap this son of

a bitch up you got that right all right uh where you gonna be there dickless all right comedy club of kansas city which i understand is the new cool room everybody's raven so i thought you did it you haven't done it yet i did the improv i don't think it was open yet but uh people are hot and bother over this room somebody just did it they said it was great i thought it was you maybe not i guess not not maybe definitely not but anyways someone said it was great june 24 through the 26 come on out there get some tickets get them early bring some friends spread the word join the patreon we got all kinds of hot gay sets it's the best fucking thing in comedy going right now chucky cheese a lot of bonus episodes we've watched curb ups together we've watched seinfeld ups together

it's really amazing we got high and high octane high fruit besides me whatever they are going syrup so get on the patreon join today and uh what else i got mindful metal jacket is back brought that back sam marils on an episode matt wane some expert lady thing and uh join uh join i subscribe to my youtube joan ron on's on there mindful metal jacket did some sketch videos i did a new video there with her shan so oh nice check out that uh youtube yes who knows it might be a special coming at some point on there oh yeah someday all right all right i got i got a big announcement you know about it but i don't know if i'm allowed to say it but we're dating yes finally we're official but no what are you allowed to say i don't know well i just want to throw this little nugget out there

we're shooting something in new york i can't say what but it's gonna be a big deal and i need every gay there it's in all early august so please if you got some uh some love for the for the jews here come out plan pencil this in early in the calendar i need you there i need you laughing because this is going on wax forever so uh we'd love to have you that's all i can say big deal big production and don't come and sit and go i remember him talking about that before yep come and watch deaf comedy jam to train i want to you know hooting and hollering and laughing and get those laughs going because it's gonna be recorded yes we need you get those laughs on there spread them around and don't come if you're a queef who's tight and weird right give it up big be big be loud be

laughers thank you thank i need you move it around i need you spitting taken and all that because uh this is this is one for the books don't come there and go i want to watch the whole thing you know some people watch the audience watch you i get it we do it we don't laugh we're queefy but just come out and yuck it up and have a good time and uh uh speaking of sam i got uh we might be drunk and then levity live this weekend uh san antonio couple tickets left i haven't plugged levity live at all so uh that could be a horrible turnout but uh yeah all over the road it's a big market i hope so phoenix at cb live syracuse funny bone Toledo funny bone houston improw philadelphia helium buffalo Dayton skyline and appleton arlington improv uh brea albany you name it folks west palm beach back

to florida so come on out get on the patreon tell us what you like leave a comment leave a like leave a review share the queef share the love share the cheers thank you braze our love watching the music