Tuesdays with Stories! - #406 Green Hulks

Episode Date: June 22, 2021

It's a wild and crazy ep this week as Joe's mission to get rid of a mouse takes him all around town while Mark heads to Texas and goes topsy turvy on some strong substances. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays), Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), Keeps (keeps.com/tuesdays), & Sunday (getsunday.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with? Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush.

Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah, this is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Hey everybody, welcome to Tuesdays with stories.

Lunes, Martes, Miracle Lace. Which one's Tuesday? Lunes or Martes? Martes. Lunes is lunar, like the sun when we go moon day. Ah, Lunes, Martes, Miracle Lace. We've had a little sabidoo, domingo. Did you have that one?

I had none of that. We had a little song. We were racist. We didn't have any Spaniards in our class. We had the French. So this is Martes con stories? Yeah. Stories, stories, stories.

How do you say stories in Spanish? There'll be a lot of tweets right there. Televizio, what is that? What are those called? United, what's that one? Univision. Univision. Yes.

The fat bumblebee guy chasing the hot skank with the mustache. Yeah, yeah, good times. We had a Lundi, Jeudi, Bergeri, Samedi. That's French. Sanjay Gupta. Oh yeah, French. So did you guys have to learn French

or did you just choose to learn French because you were in the French area? Well, we were down by the bayou. And I think my parents, being French in Louisiana is like being a Jew in Manhattan. They're pretty plentiful. Yeah. And we also didn't like them.

But they just threw me in because they figured, hey, kids are sponges. So you might as well throw them in there. They're idiots now. Might as well learn it all. Go learn English and French. And we had to learn math in French. It was pretty wild.

Or in French, si vous préférez. Oui, oui, je m'appelle Marc. Comment tellez-vous? I'm worried about the air conditioner. It feels humming and rambling. Is it too humming? I don't know. I mean, it doesn't it.

We were sticking straight into the mic, but I can hear it and I can hear them being like, this episode's ruined, you fucking idiots. All right, kill the ACs later. It'll be OK. All right, we'll be all right. Well, whoa, was that lightning? What?

Oh, no, no, no, you got it. It takes a minute to turn on. Oh, it's a delay. It's a delay. Yeah. I feel like something flashed. Oh, really? Like my career in the pan.

Oh, I thought you meant there was a guy outside. No, didn't you see a flash? Did anyone see that? No flash. Photography. All right, I thought I saw something like lightning, but it's pretty blue skies. Yeah, maybe it was a UFO.

Apparently they're around and no one cares. Yeah, I don't quite get it. I don't get the UFO. I don't care about the UFO. I watched the dock. Somebody was like, will you watch this dock? It's going to, your fucking tits are going to fall right off. Your asshole will bleed.

I watched it and it was boring. I don't give a shit. Is that Bob Lazer? I don't know. Some bullshit. Lazer? I don't know. I think it's called Lazers, but I didn't see it.

They show the thing and they show a school and an old lady and an Australian bunch of fucking assholes. I don't care. Give it to me when they land and they rape my parents or whatever. They have the probing, ain't only. But yeah, there's probably life on other planets. Why not?

Why wouldn't they be? The question is, are they smarter than us? Are they dumber than us? Yeah, I think that would be fun. I feel like there's still, maybe I'm not a big sci-fi guy, but I feel like there could be a really great thing about meeting life on another planet. Maybe they're just behind us just a little bit.

They're still segregated and stuff. Yeah, that'd be fun. And then we could be like, how'd you like to live in that planet, huh? Right, right, right. Yeah, I'd like to meet them because they can't look exactly like us. They're going to look weird.

And then we're going to have to fuck one because you always have to fuck the new thing. I mean, it's inevitable. What's the last new thing we fucked? When the aborigines come over or the natives are there, you've got to go, well, at first you go, don't kill us. Then you go, we should probably fuck now. Everyone mixes, all the mixing.

A lot of mixing. By the way, one of the great bits of all time, I was just telling, you know, when you just walk around with another comic and then you start doing somebody's bits and you're on the floor, Steve Rogers and I, we walked to Einstein Brothers Bagels and it was gay, but whatever. I started doing the Chappelle because we were walking

by tall grass and I can't see tall grass, smell tall grass, hear about tall grass without thinking of Chappelle's a little bit about how AIDS started and he's like, somebody fucked a monkey. And he's like, you don't be getting no monkey puss on Monday and then fucking Shelly on Wednesday. Right. And then he talks about, well, have you fucked a monkey?

He's like, you can't fuck a monkey. Monkey, rip your dick off and throw it in the tall grass. Right. One of the great lines ever. Rip your dick off like a celery stalk. Yes. It's such a great little image. Also, the fucking the monkey, that's the COVID bat

is the new AIDS monkey. Right. You know, we just go, oh yeah, I guess somebody fucked a bat or ate out a bat or blew a bat. Then we just went with it. And then you go, well, it might have been in the lab. And he goes, what are you queuing on? You come guzzling Nazi?

You go, oh, shit, sorry. And then now John Stewart's squawking on Colbert about how it's in a lab, obviously. And then we're all applauding him. My thing is, I don't give a shit. I just want to be over. I'm like, let's just move forward. Who cares?

There's a lab, no lab, black lab, yellow lab. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Science lab? Yeah, that's not bad. Well, it goes back to science. Trying to think of lab, but whatever. Who gives a shit?

Oh, it's lab lab lab. I'm saying lab lab. Yeah, no, it's lab. Oh, laboratory. Yeah, there's laboratory and laboratory. Yes, the lab is a latrine. Yes, I think it's a laboratory commode. Laugh, throne, bathroom, toilet, head.

Yeah, porcelain, palace, the galley. The galley is the kitchen. The can cans. Yeah, the hot seat. John, we said. Didn't Crapper come up with the John, isn't that right? Oh, that's right. The porta potty was invented by Crapper.

John Crapper. Yeah, that's really something. Life is a funny muffin, isn't it? It's a hell of a blueberry scone. But what about when they do the whole Lincoln Kennedy thing? Didn't that shoot his tits right into the solar system when you heard that first time? It was he ran from a bookstore, went to the movie theater,

and he went to a movie theater and went to a bookstore. And he was shot in four in a Kennedy theater, and he was shot in a Lincoln Towncock. Yes, that's right. And yeah, exactly. One had a beard and one had Monroe. There was other stuff, too. Yeah, yeah, there was a booth.

He was shot by a booth. He was shot by a Harvey. I don't know. He was in a booth. Yeah, a booth. He was sat in a booth. Yes, yes. Yeah, box seats, box turtle.

How crazy that the president of the United States a bunch of times has been shot in the face. That's insane. Oh, what are we, three? I think there's been four. Well, there was an attempt with Reagan. Few attempts. I think they tried to shoot forward, too.

Everyone was getting shot at back in the day. How about this for an idea? Presidents used to get shot, and now presidents don't get shot, and people do. Well, I feel like we got a mass shooting every 10 seconds now. It's more frequent than a menstruation. And yet, the president stopped getting shot. Yeah, I don't know how they did it so well,

because as it's been touched on, I mean, Obama, you think they thought he was a Muslim. They thought he was from Kenya. He's black, and he's a liberal, and all the shit. Sure, sure. And it was eight long years. You think somebody would have taken a crack at him? Yeah, you'd think.

Maybe we're not as racist as they say. Also, Chappelle, speaking of which, had that great bid to be like, I don't want to be the first black president. If I do, I'm going to have a Mexican vice, and then they'll shoot him. Right. Or no, they won't shoot me, because then I'll have him.

In that right, Santiago. C. C. That was a big bid. By the way, you hear about Chappelle last night? Yeah, what the hell's that? I'm singing in our food fighters for those who don't know. I guess it'll spread fast, but he's saying creep with the food fighters at the garden.

And I think we might have jumped the shark with Chappelle a little bit here. Yeah, he's gone more cool than comedy. I mean, what the hell's going on here? There's nothing less cool than there's nothing less comedy. Singing with a band. Although Jim Brewer did it at Billy Joel, and that was something else.

Yeah, but he was kooky about it, at least. He kept it kooky. I guess so, but maybe it was neat. I just thought it was interesting to say the least. I mean, good for him. Have fun, but my god, what is happening? Well, I like seeing the black folk singing the white music. To me, that's fun, because when I was growing up

in my neighborhood, if you go, hey, hey, Leroy, you know about this radio head, he'd go, who? Don't talk to me, I've never heard of him. Come over here with some biggie or whoever. And now it's like, apparently Chris Rock is like a huge Stone Temple pilots fan, and Chappelle knows creep. Well, I guess they're cool guys, and it's cool music. I mean, Chris Rock will surprise you.

One time I was talking about how much I love the movie Francis Ha, which is one of my favorite movies ever. And then he started to come. So I was like, never mind, never mind, never mind. And he was like, you guys talking about Francis Ha? That's one of the best movies of all time. That's a horrible impression. Racist bad impression.

I'm sorry about that, but I'm going to hell. I thought it was Leslie Jones you were doing. But he was like, there's Francis Ha and there's black people. But anyway, he loved it. And it was like, woo, it was like a relief, because I felt like a douche talking about this black and white lady art house film. But he's into it.

So he loves Woody and the whole thing. So the thing is, folks. You never know. Here, here, you can't judge a book by its blackness. Sickle cell. But yeah, good time. So yeah, a lot, a lot of kooky, kooky stuff in the world. I was just speaking of kooks.

I was just up in Poughkeepsie with Chuck. Hey, Chuckie! Chuck's Jaten or Staten? How do you say his name? I think it's Staten. Like the island. Yes. Hey, Chuckie, a lot better than the island.

I'll tell you that. Ah, the island stinks. But Chuck's a bit of a fairy. But no, I took him. We went up to Poughkeepsie. I had a gig at the Laugh It Up Comedy Club, which is in a Holiday Inn. And they do a great job up there.

Is it in the same? Did it move? Yeah, it moved. The other was in a Mahoney's, was in a bar. Right, we did it together. That's right. Yeah, back in the day. And our old pal Diego, who drew the logo for this son

of an onion, was in the audience, hung up for two shows. Diego Pimentel is the best artwork in the business. If you need artwork, you go to Diego. I have three podcasts now. He's done artwork for all of them. This guy is first class. Love you, Diego. That kid is lunch.

He's got a great head of curly hair. And man, can he wail on a pen. He just whips it up, too. I mean, in no time. He's like, I'll work on this 10 minutes later. There you go. You have it. And it's as good as anyway.

He does the great posters. He's one of these guys that does it. You can tell it's a Diego. Now, yes, he's a style. He's got a style, like a Tarantino. You're like, oh, that's him all right. What does it mean when they say he's got a style all his own? I think that's what we were just saying.

I guess so. It just sounds like weird language. It's all his own. He's got a style all his own. Yeah. It's like when they say, say it in your own words. Well, whose words? Right.

They're all of our words. Flarfen, scooping, koppelmkuh. Yeah. That was pretty good. That wasn't bad. German? I think that was an Ikea desk. By the way, I've gotten so many messages about Germany.

I mean, like books and books, Jerry. I mean, the huge manifestos. Yeah. Oh, nice. But everyone keeps telling me this, and I appreciate the input. But I get frustrated. I'm a cunt of a human. Everyone does this.

I go, I'm going to Berlin for four days. Ah, Berlin's not where it's at. You've got to get a train. Six hours to Frankfurt. That's where you want to go. And I'm like, I'm going to Berlin. It's booked, Jerry. The trip is Berlin.

I booked the flight. This guy's like, nah, you've got to fly to Norway because Norway is on the way, and it's a little bit better. And I'm like, well, I'm going to Berlin. Just give me the Berlin. Don't try to change the flight. It's like these guys that you go, hey, we're all hanging out on the porch right now.

It's Tom, Dick, Harry, Glenn, and Melinda. And we're all blowing each other. If you want to come over here and get blown and have your ass all eaten, he goes, what if you all came over to my place? And you go, this is already happening. We're not planning something in the future. We don't need a venue change.

I'm going to Berlin. It's Berlin. We're seeing the wall and the whatever the fuck and the other thing and the witches or whatever. Yes, yes, the witches of Eastwick. Good for you that the trip is already happening. The tickets are bought. What are we going to do, Frankfurt?

I booked the trip. Who are my Beatles? Plus it's four days. I think that was Hamburg. I think it says four days. It was a food. I knew it was a food. Frankfurt I've been to, by the way,

and it's quite delightful. It's nice. It's fun. But whatever, I went there. Berlin and the capital, fatty. The idea of being like four days is too many in this huge city. I'm like, just give us four days. I don't want to get on a train and take a five hour round

trip train on my one of four days on vacation. So I appreciate it. Good recommendation. I'll see Frankfurt and Hamburg and Munich and Nuremberg and I'm out. Austria? That's a country. Ah, shit.

That seems like a nice place. No, I went there. That's Vienna. Vienna. Vienna was my favorite city out there. What? What's another one? There's another country out there.

Vienna sounds Italian, but yet it's in Austria. There's like Lausse or Belize. There's one of those ones that's small Belarus. Belarus might be it. But there's another one that's not one of those. Belarus is something. I'm on airplane mode. I can't pull it up.

Oh, I'm going to think of it. It's a B word, not Bruges, not Belgium. Bricktown. It's a B right out there. Oh, I know it. It's not a B. Luxembourg. What do you know about Luxembourg? Not much.

It's Lux. I mean, it's just one of those ones. You look at the map and you're like Luxembourg. Yeah. I'm at Bjornborg. I got to tell you, I went to, oh, what's the one in Belgium? Antwerp. Oh, I don't know about Antwerp.

A lot of art, right? It's the art area. Big Jutown, by the way. Big Diamond District. Well, never mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But man, it is beautiful out there. Just old school, windy, the beautiful buildings,

the arches, the trees, the booze. Great time. Bob Kelly loves that. Because when we went to Paris, we were going to do, because that one was an eight day trip. So we were like, we'll take a trip to Belgium and everyone, there was all these debates

about Bruges and Antwerp. People are like, you got to go to Bruges. Now you got to go to Antwerp. You got to go to Bruges. You got to go to Antwerp. And Antwerp, everyone said that's the art city. If you want to see some art with the paintings and the things. There's a guy on a top hat who goes by,

but here's the thing about those town. I went there with Kreischer. So we're like trying to cut up, you know? We're like, hey, let's get sloppy and paint this town period blood. And these people, they have a sip of wine. They make love on the veranda. And then they go to bed.

Right. I mean, unless you're going out clubbing at the foam party with the DJ Antwerp and what's his face, Callad. It ain't a party town. Yes, some of those towns are not party towns. Oh geez. Yeah, it's not great, but whatever.

So I went to Poughkeepsie with Chuck. And great seeing Chuck at work. I mean, this guy's a stenographer. What do you call it? A maestro. OK. Yes. And two shows, he gets all the goods he got.

I was there with Doug Key. And it's one of these places that's new. So they're trying to be very nice. He gets you the meal. They fill the green room with candy. And great shows, some real gays there. But drunk lady in the back, toothless, wife beater, crazy beehive hair, I mean, out of a far side cartoon.

Horrible. Every show, just the one. Just the one specific woman. It was like the hottest show. You could see they got it. They were on board. They got all the jokes. They were fans.

They loved it. This lady, like, so how about the Bible? Yeah. Oh, god. And you're like, all right, hang on there, sister. What about fake plant, artificial plants? So the way to go, you don't have to water them. You got that right.

And you just want to go, then they do the thing where they stand by her, like, hey, lady, I'm aware of you. And then she stops, and then they leave, and then she does it again. So they eventually threw her out. But good times. Thick neck, moles, skin tags.

I'm picturing skin tags on a thick neck. Yeah, kind of a Kathy Bates. I didn't hear a thing. It was silent. The double mic was too much. I think it threw me off. I think it got staged right there. Sorry.

It came out, but it was a real put. It was a duster. Now I smell it on the head here. Yeah, it's a little bit different. Oh, I'm absorbed. So she's heckling. She's yelling. Yeah, yeah.

And it's tough with a lady, because you want to be like, hey, you fat coos. You're going to die alone. Your kids hate you. Your vagina's rotten. But you just got to say, hey, what are we doing here? And then they threw her out, and which is wild to see an old bag lady getting picked up by the flabby arms

and Jazzy Jeffed out into the streets of I-9 on Poughkeepsie Road or whatever. But wild out there. So you got to go up and do it. It's good. Couple bucks on a Wednesday. You sell some shirts. You high-five some kids.

You take a few photos. It means the world to me. Yeah, that sounds great. I'm trying to book it, because I missed the old days. Bananas used to be in Poughkeepsie. I used to love that room. That was the classic room. I'd do it with DePaolo.

And he had the old bed. He said, yeah, why am I cranky? Because on Monday, I got to walk into a bank and cash a check that has a picture of a banana wearing sunglasses on it. Oh, that's great. You had a similar opener in Florida with Louis. What was that one?

That bill is very DePaolo-esque. Which one was that? He said, I don't think cancel culture is real. I'm here opening for Louis CK. Oh, yeah, he's opening for me. Yeah, he's featuring for me. I blew it. That's such a great way to open.

Yeah, it's a fun. There's nothing better when you have the great opening line. Yes. Because I had this thing going where, when I was in Des Moines, we went to Einstein Brothers Bagels. I ordered a bagel. There's two Einstein plugs here. What did I say about Einstein earlier?

He said you and Big Dick Rogers went. Oh, right, yeah. Well, we're here again in the story. Oh, OK. I like to tease it. But I ordered, I was like, I'll have an egg and cheese sandwich on a plain bagel. And the woman just turned and started

looking at the thing like this. At the board? At the board. She's not at the big board. What, you waiting for a train to come in? And what are we doing here? What's going on here? And by the way, so I tell the story in Des Moines,

and it's killing because it's like it happened at the place right next door today. And it killed so hard that I was like, this is a bit. So I bring it back here. And it works if you work it. So work it, you're worth it. But you got to really crank it out to get it. But there, you're riffing.

So they can see your riff. You can tell it just happened. And I got in this debate with Steve. He's like, that's not a local bit. That's a bit. And I'm like, I'm telling you, though, it won't work as well because she kept looking. She was like, I'm not seeing it.

Right. And then the joke is I'm like, it's not up. It's in the kitchen. It's not hanging on the wall. And it goes on and on. That is a bit. It's a bit. It's a bit.

It does well. But it's not going to have the magic. It does when you're all you tap dancing and you're riding that tightrope of Rift Town. It's magic there. And I'm telling you, just the turnaround was murdering in Des Moines. I'd say, Alvin Egg and Cheese, the lady does this.

And it would just kill. But I do that at the VU. They're like, why is she looking over there? I'm like, exactly. But it's working. But anyways, why did I bring that up? What did you say? Einstein, Poughkeepsie, Bananas, DiPolo.

Splitting the atom. Ducky, fascist, flabby. What does that mean, anyways? Splitting the atom. What do you have? You have an atom? And he's splitted? What does that mean?

That's hard to do. It's a small thing, the atom there. I mean, how does it work? Like a knife? Is it a laser? I think it's got to be a laser. But then again, it was in the 40s, right? That's how they beat the Nazis or the Asians.

Yeah, it's one of those things you just say. But I don't think anyone knows what it means. He split the atom. And there's neutrons and electrons inside the atom. And it was the Manhattan Project, which I used to live in those. I think that was something that came later. Yeah. I stepped on the joke.

Well, the Manhattan Project, I think he split the atom. Then the Manhattan Project was secretly to contain the splitting into a bomb. Well, then who's Oppenheimer? I don't know who that is. He's German, I think. He's got to be from Berlin. Four days.

Interesting. Well, I'll take a train and figure it out. Frankfurt. Any tits. Wait, what was the thing about the bit, the riff, Poughkeepsie? Bananas. Yes.

The riff. Well, you're just talking about the riff with the polo. Yes, yes, you got to have a good line. But yeah, yeah. So I'm going to go on a big saga about getting possibly fentanyl, but I don't I want you to get your thing out because this is going to be a tale for the ages. I'm dying to hear it.

I think fentanyl fucking kills you. I think it has killed most people from New England. Well, and not just New England. Let me let me tell a quick tale because I'm dying to hear this story. I don't know which one to get into here because I got a few things. Pepper.

Pepper. I'll pepper. Well, this is an epic, but it's a lower level epic. I'll do a low level epic and then you get the high level epic. All right, it'll be a new hope and then strikes back. Oh, boy. Well, a new hope stinks, I think. Oh, you didn't like it.

But it was huge. So what do I know? It's a hero saga. But empire is the better picture. Oh, these shorts are an issue. Yeah, that's a lot of thigh meat. I mean, it's becoming a look at this. What do you call that color also?

What is that? Opey? Turquoise? Ah, jade? I don't know. But yeah, it's like an adjective, isn't it? I think opaque meat you can't see through. Maybe they got opal.

Opal? Is opal something? Winfrey? She's a large television host. She's large. She fluctuates. I always thought my mother looked a little bit like Oprah. My mother's like the white Oprah.

I can see that. She's Oprah. I remember. She is a little Oprah and she's very maternal and loving and helpful. Oprah sounds like something from Star Wars. Oprah. The Oprah's coming, exactly.

They're shooting at us. The Wopras, yeah, I guess. I don't know about anybody at home, but I'm having a great time here. Oh, I'm sweating. The AC's off and we're talking about Oprah. I'm getting hot and bothered. Would you fuck Oprah?

Oh, yeah. Well, she's clearly a big, big dyke, but I had a huge crush on her as a kid. Sometimes I see a heavy lady and I think, because I don't know what your preferred sexual position is, but mine is like I'm on my knees in a missionary and I'm holding the legs. Sometimes I look at some of these big houses out there

and I think I couldn't hold those legs for the 45 minutes that takes me to come. Wait a minute. Oh, you couldn't hold her ham hock. Yeah, because you got to hold the ankle. Like a nice petite leg and you work those ankles like a tractor trailer. It's like a lever.

He had a factory in the 80s. But some of these big fucking behemoths out here, I'm like, I'd have to throw those legs over my shoulder. Yeah. Like bricks. Yeah, well, you remember old Peg. She had that prostette and that thing weighed a good 88 pounds.

That thing on my shoulder, I felt like a miner carrying a sack or Santa or something. It was a lot of weight. Well, fucking a miner is always enjoyable. But so maybe I alluded to this last time. We got mice back in our house. We got another mouse in our house. Every two years or so, a mouse shows up

and I'm a little bit skeptical because I got new neighbors, as you know, Big Dick, Raj, and a regular vagina, Polufo. And you know how they like to leave out the Oreos. So they hanging out. I don't know what goes on. I haven't gotten a good look in the house. So I don't know what kind of life they're living over there, but they have a cat and a cat

will scare mice. So pushing them out. I think the mice migrated, mice graded over to our house. So we saw a mouse and I don't like having a mouse in the house. As you know, they are adorable. No, get rid of them. And Sarah thinks she saw two. She's like, I think we got two because she saw one scurry.

And then a moment later, she saw one over here. And she's like, I don't think I could have gotten over there that quick because it went that way, whatever. There's always this guy. If you got one, you got a whole family. That's the same guy that told me to go to four other cities I'm not going to. You got that right.

Berlin, they got no mice there. So anyways, but I still love that one guy. He was like, don't listen to these people. If you have one mouse, you have one mouse. We killed that one mouse. Never came back until now. It's back. Possibly two.

So the mice, possibly two. We got Tom and possibly a Jerry. No, wait, one's a cat. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, that's tough. Mickey and Minnie. There you go. All right.

By the way, the guy who voiced Mickey and the lady who voiced Minnie married. No kidding. Yeah, fun fact. How about that? Yeah, cute little American tale. That movie was stunning when I saw it as a kid. Oh, Fival?

Apparently, he was Jewish. That was a weird underwritten theme in there that he was a big mouse heave. Well, Fifel sounds like a Jewish name. Yeah, that's true. Al Fifel. Yeah, he's a good lawyer. You went lawyer, I went producer.

Both work. Counted? Yeah, yeah. Canadian writer. Comic. Yeah, what else is there? Doctor. Doctor, yeah, we're running out.

Joe Banker. Oh, yeah, Banker. Anyway, so we got the mice, a couple mice. Who knows? So I go all out. I go force of nature. I get like seven traps. I hit up Amazon.

I ordered the same track. Because the last one I got it was that black snap track. Ooh, that's deadly. Yeah, you get that thing. And we still have a couple of the, what do you call it? What's it called? Stickies? We have stickies, but those are like the worst kind.

What's the humane traps? It's like a tube. It looks like a dildo. And then it goes in one end. And then the thing closes. So they're stuck in there. There's holes they can breathe. It's like a little tube.

And then you throw the whole tube out. Well, you let the mouse out. Later. Later. Yeah, different tube. So we had the tubes under our counter since the last time. We just never picked them up because they're not an eye. So they're not dangerous.

Whereas the other, the snap traps, if you get your toes stuck in there, forget about it. We all the way home. So we got the little tubes have always been under there. So now I get the new snap traps. We put the peanut butter in. We got one on the counter, one over there, one behind the TV, one on the stove, and one over here.

We got them everywhere. They're all set up. And then I go, hey, you know what? I forgot we have the humane traps under here. And Sarah's like, those don't do shit. I'm like, I know, but what the fuck? We'll just set them up. Might as well.

So we leave those open, a couple of those, pay no mind, whatever. Every night you go, all right, the next morning you go, are they here? We kept seeing the mouse, by the way. And you're like, how is he not going in the trap? We got peanut butter set up. It's all along the edges, everything, all along the watch tower. They're just good. He's good.

He's crafty, this little cunt. So we kept seeing them every night, but never catch them, don't get them. And then every morning I come out, first thing in the morning, I check all the traps, no signs, haven't got them, whatever, whatever. Then Steve and Caitlin go away. Oh, God. So we go, hey, can we, they want us to cats it or sour the cats. They didn't contact me, which is the right move.

Good movie. So I go, okay, we got a cat. Why don't we bring it over? Because Steve said this thing is a hunter. He's like, it's the best hunter I've ever seen. It's brought him two mice in his life. And one of them was still alive. Like the cat let it go.

It's scurried and you're like, what are you doing? Your piece of shit. Yeah, you got to kill it. You puss. So speaking of which, where's the old G-man? Oh yeah. Well, if you ever need a cat sitter, Sarah's available. All right.

I think the thighs might have perturbed him. Yeah. Well, I'm going to pull it up then. So we get the thing going that the cat, like bring the cat over because evidently the mice can smell the cat. Even if you can't, it sends the sense. You're not going to have a mice problem here because you've got a 48 pound cat walking around.

You got that right. So we go bring it over, but don't bring it over yet. I got to pull up all the sticky traps, all the traps, because if your cat comes over, it's going to lose a paw. Ah, so I grab the sticky traps. I put that on the fridge. I grabbed the other traps.

We D whatever, activate them. Yeah. You touch them so it activates, put those all up. There's one more in the counter. Oh, shit. He can get on the counter. We hide that. And then I go, okay, bring the cat over.

Wait, the humane traps. Let me get those. I pick up the humane and it's like the cat in the box and Christmas vacation. It's in there. We had no idea. I pick it up and it's like, it starts jumping around and I noticed the door was closed. I'm like, why is the door closed? I picked it up and the mouse started running from each end.

Oh, my God. I look like a chevy chase with the thing. Oh, my God. We had him. I have no idea how long he's been in there. And you didn't drop it? I would have instinct. We're like, oh, I dropped it.

Oh, but luckily it's like hard plastic. It's like a bank setting. It couldn't old school like to. Yes, exactly. A tube. So I dropped it and I was like, it's in there. It's in there. I went running around.

I ran into the wall like fucking Roger Rabbit. Yes. This is bananas. But I had no idea because those ones don't go bang. And I didn't even think to check it because it's just a piece of shit that's been there for six months. It's a butt plug. But he's in there.

So now we got a mouse and a tube and it's got the little holes and he looks all sad and scared. And these mice are adorable. You look at him. He's got the big ears, the little nose, the little hands. And he's just trying to get by. He's just trying to make a buck and get a piece of cheese and back to the wife for a quick bang.

Yeah, he's a sweet little mouse. And there is some cheese. So I go, oh, my God. So I was like, well, I got to go release this. And then you're like, where do you release? Because last time we caught one on a sticky trap and we released it 10 feet from the house and he just ran right back in the door

and closed the door behind him. So I'm like, all right, I'll take care of this later. I was going to QED, which is also in the story. I'm in the comedy club. It's a mile and a half away. So I was like, all right, I'll take it down there later, release them on the other end of town. Nice.

So Sarah leaves and I'm just sitting there all day. And I put them up on the fridge. By the way, the cat is over the house now. And he knows he's up there. The cat gets on the table, then the counter. You can see the cat looking predatorial and he's looking up on the fridge trying to figure out how to get up there

because he can smell them. He's in Harvey mode. And the mouse knows the cat's there and the cat knows the mouse is there. Yeah, they can feel it as a vibe. It's like a KKK in a black. Definite situation going on there. So then I feel bad for the mouse because he's sitting in there.

So I was like, I got to feed the guy. I feel bad. Oh, this is very nice. So I took a little peanut butter and dripped it in his hole. And then Sarah, I could see him like, he stands up on his two legs and he's like licking the peanut butter. Man, you're making a friend here. And then Sarah goes, I'm going to give him some nuts.

And I was like, well, the nuts are too big. She's like, I have an idea. So she takes a cheese grater and she's grating nuts. Well, she's a mom. She's paternal. She takes a little nut dust and we put the nut dust in there and you can see the mouse like giving us the thumbs up. And he's eating up all the nut dust.

You look, he's not a Gen Z with the allergic. Well, he might have been allergic. We didn't keep him around too long. That's a good point. So then I'm like, he needs water. So I'm like dumping water in the thing. He's freaking out. He's all wet.

And he's drinking up the water, which is exciting. And he's sitting there staring at me. I keep like looking at him. It's too bad you're barren. This would be a good dad. Well, Sarah, Sarah leaves. I'm just staring at the mouse. I'm sniffing him.

I'm just I'm talking to him. We're having a nice talk. Sure, sure. What does he think about Ferguson? Well, he's a big Trump voter. This guy, yeah. So Putin. He's so that it's time to go.

And now I'm going, I don't want to. What am I going to do? Carry a mouse. I don't want to carry a mouse. He's a rodent and part of me thinks maybe I'll just throw the whole thing in the trash. He could figure it out for himself because I'm like, what do I care about its life?

We're going to snap in a snap trap. Well, you've gotten to know it. You fed it. You've bonded. You've chatted about the vaccine and Fauci. I mean, this is a tough one. It's very tough. So finally, I go, no, be a man, take him down.

The other thing is I'm afraid to open the trap and he just runs up my arms and gnaws my dick off. Of course. Yeah, that's definitely possible. Well, it'd fit perfectly in his mouth. So I go, I'm going to take him down there. I put him in a little brown satchel, one of these reusable bags in the tube, in the satchel. I start walking and I'm walking across the street.

I mean, while I'm walking with a live mouse, the whole time that things like run around in there. This is wild. Then I bump into a fan. He's like, hey, Joe List, who's gay? And I wanted to be like, look at this. I got a fucking mouse in me. But I kept moving because I was nervous.

I'm listening to music. I walk all the way across town, across the story of Boulevard. I feel like Kramer with the dog. Right. I walk all the way over there to QED and then I get hit with this. I can't do it.

I can't reach my finger there and let him go. He's going to run away. Someone's going to see me and go, what are you doing letting mice go? I'm like, maybe I'll just throw him in the trash. What difference does it make? Fuck it. Oh, God.

I'd party as much as to put him in a plastic bag and just like suffocate him and who gives a shit? Oh, God, I can't handle it. What are you going to do, Fanny? I sit there, I go, I can't do it. And then there's people everywhere. It's Friday night. So I'm like looking around.

I'm like, if they see me, they're going to shoot me because I'm letting rodents go in their neighborhood. Right. So I see the Hell's Gate Bridge, big old train bridge. I go under the Hell's Gate Bridge. And so there's no one around. It's pitch black. I got my flashlight phone on.

I do a little like look around like I'm doing a drug deal. Put the thing on the ground. I dumped it out of the bag because I didn't want to pick it up because it's so creepy. Sure. So I just took the satchel, dumped it. He smacked on the ground. I feel bad again.

But he's standing there and he's still nervous looking at me like, what are you going to do, Dad? Wow. He's out the tube. Look at that. He's in the tube. But he can see through the tube. It's a see-through tube.

It's a see-through tube? But how'd you not know he was in there for a see-through tube? Oh, because it was underneath the counter. I knew as soon as I picked it up. I see. I could see it. I just assumed he wasn't in there. Wow.

But the tube, it's like, you know, there's like a ledge by the counter. Like a little like a lip. Yes. So I put him down there and he's all the way on one end because he must be scared shitless. He's been in a bag for the last half hour for a mile and a half.

He doesn't know what's going on. He thinks he's going to like a sex ring. So he's sitting there and I open up the gate, whoop, take it out. And he's still stuck on this end. And I'm like, go little buddy, go. Oh, he's traumatized. He's stuck.

He's traumatized. So I gave just a little tap and he does like a little tiny mouse walk to the end, puts his head out like this, looks both ways. And then just goes, boom, takes off like a bullet. I couldn't even see it. He was just gone immediately into somebody else's house. Yeah, well.

And I went, whoop, such a relief. Throw the thing back in there. The bag, I threw it all right in the trash. Get rid of it. Walked into QED, new man, great set, hot crowd, great club. Now, do you, do you mention the mouse on the mic? I didn't want it because they all live in that neighborhood. I was afraid, you know, Christian was going to thump

my skull for me. Wow, you're the Pied Piper. It felt good. I felt like a million bucks. You feel like a good person. All I did was not kill an animal. You're a mouse keteer. Anyways, felt great and the little guys safe

back at the end of the line. Oh, geez. Yeah, we got to get cooking here. We got to roll through these puppies here. All right, folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Keeps. Woo-wee. That's right, Keeps.

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Just a side note, a little precursor, a preface? Preface or preface? Preface. Well, I had to call. I remember I'm under the influence this whole time, so it's all quite a blur. So I had to call my opener, who took care of me, like a saint the whole time.

I had to call him today to recap, just so I was ready for the pod. Oh my god. Yes, because I was not there. All right, so here we go. First, I'm going to give you the whole itinerary so you can see what we're dealing with, and then we'll get to the juice.

I got nowhere to be, so if you've got to fry a couple eggs to get to the orange juice, feel free to eat some bacon. All right, well, two abortions coming up and a sunkist. So weekend, I got this new PA guy. Personal appearance. Thank you. I'm with this hot UTA management, or agents,

they're hot stuff, and they go, you feel like a rock club guy. I think we could make a lot more money if you start doing some rock clubs. Oh, wow. Yeah, I love doing a rock club. That's like, I'm a fun rock cool guy. Bring it on there, dickless.

Rock and roll. So these clubs, it's pretty standard. Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday, you fly in, you do maybe a little press, you sell a t-shirt, you have an opener, a feature, a host, whatever. You eat some chicken wings, you go home. This is a whole different bag of hammers. So flying to San Antonio on Thursday,

do two shows at The Rock Box. Then Friday, two more shows at The Rock Box. Then Saturday, drive from San Antonio to San Marcos, Texas, which is about 45 minutes from San Antonio, Rivertown, College Town. It's one of these college towns where they all tube all day and drink, and then at night, they just fucking get after it and go nasty and go hard and drink and do DJs and Coke

and a whole kitten caboo. Joey, Joey, look at the tubes. Yes, every tube and again. A lot of tubes. A lot of tubes. Yeah, so I'm talking to my guy, Andrew Youngblood. He's my opener. He's my Texas guy.

I use him at every improv and Tom Dick and Anil in the book. And he goes, I'm in, baby. So we got a hotel room on Friday, not Thursday. Thursday, that's when I fly in. But my manager is new. One guy got fired, so they hired this new pipsqueak. This kid's clueless. So he goes, hey, you're flying into San Antonio.

And I go, yeah, yeah, he goes, where are you staying? I go, I don't know. You guys usually book the hotel. And they go, well, they gave you a buyout. Now a buyout is where they just throw a bunch of money at you and let you book whatever you want, which is nice. But I like when they do the work, because I don't want to think about it.

Yeah, you got to look through all the hotels. I like a buyout, because I like looking at the hotels. I can be close to the ballpark, but this one has a pool. This one has a steam room. My father's gay. Right, right. Yeah, no, that's smarter. I just want to, you guys, book me in a goddamn holiday

and express, and we'll call it a life. But so the guy goes, oh, shit. So he gets a hotel room quick. He goes, wait, there's a big thing in town called the Fiesta Fest, which is some bullshit Mexican religious thing where they all drink margaritas and pretend like it's God's day. So all the hotels are booked.

It's booked, Jerry. So finally, he's like, I got you a hotel. Here's the address. I go, OK, great. So they pick me up from the airport, just a hellish flight, cunt getting into San Antonio. You've got to do eight layovers and all this shit. Finally get to San Antonio.

I'm miserable. I'm cranky. I'm gay. The guy picks me up. He goes, where are you staying? Here's the address. And he's the host. And he's like this cool guy, he's got a Mercedes.

He's got spiky hair. He's got aviator glasses on. He's got a sexy look. And it turns out he's like an ex-addict who's like, got his shit together. Now he works for some pharmaceutical companies, a fucking millionaire. Wow.

But he loves comedy. Mercedes. Yeah, he's hosting. So he goes, hey, I'll drive you to your hotel. He picks me up. He's like, what's shaking? Pussy, you know, he's that guy. He's cool as hell.

I go, here's the address. He pulls up. It's a red roof in. I mean, it's under an overpass. Everybody's passed that outside. I'm in a crack den. There's cobwebs. There's roaches.

There's heroin needles. The fucking vending machine is selling needles and guns and tampons. It was crazy. And he goes, you're staying here? And I go, yeah, we got a new guy at the management. He's like, you can't stay here. We just had Tim Dillon a week ago.

He stayed at the Sultans house. And I was like, ah, shit, I don't know. Who am I? Ah, fuck it. So he's like, all right. And he peels off. And I'm getting hit up by a couple of derelicts and hobos. And I'm like, oh, Jesus.

I check in. Even the lady was like, you're staying here? She saw me. And she's like, what are you crazy? So I get my key. I waddle my fat ass up the stairs. And right when I walk in, I hear babies crying, dogs barking. It's a smoking hotel, which I haven't seen since the 40s.

Come on. Yes. And I'm like, what am I doing? Oh my god, that's the worst flight ever. Now I'm here. It's blazing hot at San Antonio. And I get up the stairs. The elevator's not working.

I'm on floor two. I get up the stairs. And some Guatemalan lady's doing laundry. And she goes, mister, mister, help, help. And I had to help her get her laundry out. She couldn't get it out because it was one of those stacked ones. He had to pull it out like that.

And it was like, I mean, I'm getting there. I'm doing laundry. So when I swing the door open, there's a fucking light bulb hanging. There's stains on the wall. The window's cracked. And I go, ah, what am I doing? So I just send a passive aggressive message

to my manager like, hey, real nice that I do like a video. And she's like, Jesus, we're getting you out of there. And I was like, well, we'll see what happens. So they yelled at the new kid. Whatever. We go to the gig. And before we get to the gig, I meet up with Andrew. And the guy text me, he goes, hey,

you need anything from the green room? I said tequila, fruit, and Xanax because I can't sleep. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. And he goes, done. And I was like, oh, wow. I was kind of half joking about the Xanax, but fuck it. So I show up, big bottle of Patron, big fruit plate.

And he hands me these three or four big pills. I have them. I'll show them to you. And who's he again? He's the X addict. This is the MC. Yes. Who's a former addict handing out drugs.

Well, I asked for him. Maybe I shouldn't be giving his name out. Maybe we could beep that showbo. I'm giving his name out. I didn't say his last name, but yeah. I described him to a T. Oh, boy. I don't want to get that. This is all my fault.

I don't want to get this. I don't want to hit him on any blame on him. All right. But they're called green hulks. And apparently, this is like the medicinal top of the line PTSD guy Xanax or whatever. All right. And I'm like, oh, I don't know anything.

But he just goes, here you go. Here's your Xanax. Here's your tequila. Here's your fruit. Here's your hand job and whatever. So I go, great. We do the shows, fun shows. We sell merch after at great night.

We go out drinking at this place called Tucker's. We drink tequila all night. Tons of shots. High five at everybody. Texas is so fun. It's a freewheeling attitude. And I'm heading home back to the Red Roof. And I go, well, want to get some good sleep tonight.

Pop them in. All right. And then I don't remember anything. Then I'm waking up to a hotel guy, like a bellhop or whatever, lady. And she's like, leave now. You got to leave. You know, it's the clocks, the thing's dingin'.

The beep, beep, beep. You know, the check out. So that day, I was supposed to go ride the river with Andrew Young, but we had these big plans. Like, tomorrow we'll wake up. We'll be hungover. We'll get coffee. And we're going to go get drunk on the river in tube all day

and then do shows at night. I said, great. I want to get some sleep for that. It's noon. And she's rolling me over. I don't remember any of this. And she goes, you got to pack up and leave. So apparently I got my act together enough to where I could pack up.

And I went into the lobby and just fell asleep in the lobby on a chair. And so apparently my phone's going nuts. Andrew Young was like, hey, what are you doing? What are you doing? Nothing. So he goes, man, is he mad at me? Is he blowing me off? Maybe he's hungover?

I don't know. So eventually he calls the hotel. And then he goes, hey, I'm looking for my friend. We're supposed to meet up. And she goes, is it Mr. Norman? And he goes, yeah. And she goes, yeah, he's sitting here in the lobby. And he's like, oh, can I talk to him?

And she has the phone on a cord. And she goes, Mr. Norman, Andrew, what's it talk to you? And I go, I'll call him later. And I went back to sleep in this chair. Well, I'm a little confused. So what alarm is going off? The alarm's going off in your room? Yes, I said an alarm for the tube day.

And so you're sleeping through the alarm. And so they just come in? Well, you got to check out. Like they knock like, hey, you ready? Oh, so you're done at this hotel? I'm done. It's checkout time. Like I'm past checkout time.

It's noon or whatever. Right. Well, I was supposed to meet him at 11 for coffee. And that's flew in the coop. So he's like, what the hell's going on? So now he thinks I'm mad at him because I haven't answered one text, one call. We had this big plan.

We bought tubes, sunscreen, a cooler. And now she's handed me the phone across the lobby and gone, hey, your friend's on the phone. And I said, I'll call him later, which I don't remember. And he's like, OK, wow. All right. So then three hours goes by. I'm still sleeping there.

He's just he's like, I guess he went to the mall. He got lunch. So he's like, fuck something's up. So he just calls back and he goes, is he still in the lobby? And they go, yeah, you better come get him. And he's like, why do you tell me that in the first place? Because I'm in the fucking red roof under the overpass and everybody took a crack head in this neighborhood.

So you're just sleeping in the. They let you sleep in the lobby. They didn't call the police on you. White priv. Policia, I guess. But yeah, I mean, I'm still clothed. I'm just in a chair like, you know. And so they're like, wow, OK, whatever.

So he shows up and he's like, what the fuck? He said I had like three water bottles holding like this because apparently they kept giving me water or something. They thought I was dead. Yes. So he's like, what the fuck? So he picks me up and he goes, we got to go up to your room. And I'm like, I checked out, you know, and because they moved me. So now I have a new hotel.

So he's like, well, what's the new hotel? I'm like, I don't know. And I don't remember any of this. And he's like, all right, we got to walk you around. He said I was he picked me up. He's walking me around. He said my feet were dragging like an old man. I was legless.

I don't remember any of this. He's like, we got to go get you some Gatorade. We go to a bodega and one guy in a bathrobe goes, you better get him out of here. You guys are going to get robbed if he's in that shape. And they were like, he was like, OK, OK. So he throws me in the car. He gets my phone.

He does the face ID on me. I'm like, I look like ass. So he's like, what the fuck is going on? What did you take when you drug? What's going on? I'm like, I'll be in and out or whatever. So then he calls my manager, gets the new hotel info. They find out they're like, what?

He's drunk. What's going on? We got two shows tonight. They're sold out the Rockbox San Antonio comedy. So we drive to the new hotel. I'm in the car. He takes my wallet out of my pants, checks me in. They don't even look at the ID apparently.

We go to the hotel. He lays me down. He goes, OK, it's like five. The show's at seven. We're fucked. We got to cancel these shows. And I was like, oh, you know. And he goes, I got an idea.

I've always heard about these alcoholics getting IVs. Yeah, my uncle used to do it. Oh, really? Yeah, they're firemen. So they hook them all up to the IVs. Oh, because they ain't cheap. Between you and me. Yeah, that's a hell of a drug.

Well, it's the ultimate hydration. They just plug it right into your asshole. Exactly. I got to flush there, Faddy. I got to get this royal flush system. So this big, fun lady comes over with two big wheel IVs on sticks, you know, rides them in. And I'm laying there.

And she's like, oh, is this the guy? OK. And I don't remember any of this. I start filming her. And she's like, woo, she's fun. I guess she's just parties, you know? I don't understand. What is she, a stripper?

Like, how do you just find a lady? What is that? This is like fucking flight. This is like John Goodman. He googled it. Apparently this is a thing. This is what, like, what rich finance guys do. They just hire these coozes to come in and fix you.

Wow. And is she a registered nurse or just some tub from the diner? I got gloves. I'll show you some gloves. I mean, OJ's got a glove. But this gal was just a regular old mom. I think she was a nurse. She had a bedpan and a tattoo.

But so she hooked me up. And Andrew's sitting there like, this is crazy. And I'm like, you want one? And he's like, I'm so hungover. And I'm like, well, I got to buy him one, because he's helped me this whole time. And we got two shows tonight. And everybody's like, cancel the shows, cancel the shows.

My phone's blowing up. What's going on? Everybody's talking. Oh, at one point, I went live on Instagram. That's where I found out. And then people started messaging me. I got a call from another comedian going, what the hell? You got to fly down there and get this guy.

Yeah, Sal Volcano, Chris DeCup. My phone is blowing up. You texted. Sam's texted. Everybody's freaking out. Phil Hanley called me the first time in three years. And that's the other thing. You're on drugs.

So you're like, we're good, man. We're good. Everything's good. You can see. I'm going to put the video on the Patreon. Yes, please. I have to rewatch it, though. I'm terrified.

I said some crazy shit. I was like, hey, do you swing to the lady? And she was loving it. She was laughing. So she put me the thing. And I remember coming to a little like, right when she put that needle in my arm, I was like, ah! I was like, pulp fiction.

And I was like, ah! So now I got this fucking needle in my arm. I'm watching the IV. It's this big yellow bag of jizz. And then I go, get him one. Get him one. So she's like, you sure? He's like, yeah, I've always wanted to try it.

I buy one for my pal here. Now I'm out $500. But fuck it, we're living. And so he's like, OK, it's six o'clock. The show is in one hour. And I was like, we've got to push it back. We've got to push it back. And everybody's like, just don't do it.

We'll call it off. We'll call off. The venue's like, it's sold out. Just come. So we pushed the show to eight. We get over there. I'm barely able to move. We show up.

I pound some fruit. I'm kind of coming to. I go out there. Or he goes out and sets the whole table. I come out. I'm like, and Nicole Smith's husband. I'm just like, ah. And I'm like, Hugh Hefner's on his last dying day.

I'm like, just Biden level of cohesion. And I go out there and I'm like, ah. And somebody brings me a seat. And I sit down for a second. I get back up. And I sit down. Well, I had to. That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

I ate sitcomics. I got back up and the worst part of the whole story. I did my set. And I'm ripping because I tell the whole story. And it's going. And they're on board because they're like, why was he late? Then they heard. And a few of them saw the live.

So they're like, this is wild. We're witnessing. It was like my flu game. Yeah. Here, Axel Rose. Yes. So I slashed it up. And by the end of it, it was a bomb.

Because I had lost all my energy. And I kept repeating jokes and saying that I was flubbing. But then we sold two shirts, took some photos. I saw some of the photos. I'm like, it looks like I'm downcy. I'm like, melt or may out there. And then we go back.

We kind of hang out. I'm getting back into it. Second show was amazing. And then we called the lady and said, is it OK if we drink tonight? And she was like, yeah, yeah, you're fine. You're like actually healthier than you were before. So we drank that night.

Then we drove to San Marcos, did two shows there, drove to Austin, had a drink, and that was it. Wow. Well, I mean, insane story. You're lucky you're alive. I mean, this is really, really stupid behavior. Well, I mean, we've all taken a Xanax. Sure.

I mean, most of us weren't 38 years old and successful at the time. I mean, you got a lot to lose. And also, just a Xanax is a Xanax. This is a drug that some fucking idiot gave you. Wow, he's a nice kid. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he's giving out drugs unsolicited, which is a crime, I might add.

So we'll take his name out, but he's committing a crime, for sure. I asked for it, but yeah. Yeah, but I mean, that's just nonsense. And you got too much to lose if you are still a flailing shitty piece of shit opener in your 20s. I say, hey, pop some pills and die. Just kidding for the folks that are,

that's most of our audience. So just kidding. But I mean, my God, great story. I'm glad you're alive. But that's how Geraldo died and countless others. Yeah, well, these things are no joke. They're long and skinny, much like you. And for the flight home, I was like, I'm on no sleep.

We didn't stop partying. We shared a hotel room, so then you get really no sleep. He's Andrew Snore's like a motherfucker. But I just took a lick off of the edge of it, and I slept the whole flight. So these things are like next level strong. I mean, you should take them to some pharmacist and find out what you have here.

That's good. I mean, this sounds the same. First of all, I took Xanax for years. They're not big and long and green. Yeah. They're small and white. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I think there was some fentanyl, something's

going on with that pill. But I'll get rid of them. I'm going to flush them. And I just got to give a shout out to the young blood. I mean, this guy, he runs a great show in Houston called The Secret Group. Good comic and a great guy. Who else would think to call the IV,

to think to call my agent, to think to check us out? I mean, he just handled all. He's a dad and he's a mensch and I appreciate it. Good for you, young blood, good man. But yeah, for Christ's sakes. I mean, this could have been a horrible story. And then I'm going to have to listen to what a genius you were because you died young.

And that's going to be a whole thing. And there'll be a movie about you. And I mean, we've come so far. I didn't come this far to only come this far, for God's sakes. I mean, what the fuck? All's well at Enzanyl. And yeah, it was a rough road, but we still made the shows. And yeah, we'll, we'll be doing that again.

Learn my lesson and take a Tylenol PM for God's sakes or a Benadryl, something with 25 grams of whatever, or just, you know, meditate or whatever. But yeah, my God, this just random pill. I mean, that's like classic how you die. Oh, you're right. You're right. River Phoenix, River Phoenix, Geraldo, the other guy.

Well, that's the thing with drugs is with alcohol. If you drink the same amount of alcohol, most likely it's going to react the same. But drugs, you can take the same thing you took the night before and fucking kick off your heart stops, the whole thing. Here, here. So be careful. Don't die.

My father's gay. Yes. But I want to see that footage, all that being said. Oh, man, it's pretty wild. But it was nerve wracking because some guys messaged me, like, you got to call Mark. And I'm just, I just figured he was one of these Berlin guys. I'm like, shut up.

He's fine. You don't know what you're talking about. Well, you can see that I look real bad. Yeah, it sounded horrific. And my face is this big. It's wide. It's bloated. I'm like a palsy.

Yeah, you're not supposed to take Xanax with alcohol. Oh, is that right? No, I mean, it was a party trick I would do. It was down with the shot. But I was a fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But hey, we're all here. We're here.

We're queer. And it's a hell of a tale. I mean, my god. I mean, I wish I could have seen some of these reactions from Youngblood and the Mexican lady. Yeah, yeah. It's all in there. It's all in the video.

And she was super cool. She came to the show. We invited her to show. She came out. By the way, full blown, special needs, Down syndrome daughter. So I had to cut out half my act. She's in the front row.

Oh, Jesus. And yeah, but great time. And yeah, that's it. Well, I'm at Soul Joel's tomorrow, if you want to come out in Phoenix and Levity Live this weekend, Houston, improv, Toledo, all kinds of fun stuff. So say hello, queef it up.

Yes, and join, subscribe to your YouTube. My YouTube, Tuesdays, Tuesday of the stories is a ton of YouTube subscribers. Oh, great. So thanks for that. Go check that out. There's a new Joe and Ron on with Louie talking a lot. You can check that out.

I will be in Kansas City this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, pre-sales are looking OK. That always means they're not great. I hear that club is cool, though. All right, it's cool. So come out this weekend, Comedy Club of Kansas City. And fuck, I got something else. Fort Worth, August 5th and 6th, I think, something like that.

Is that a hyenas? Hyenas, yeah. And Philly in September. I got a bunch of dates. Portland coming up in November. Philadelphia Helium in September. Tickets are on sale now. Go get those.

And join the Patreon for God's sake. See this video with Mark almost dying and hot gay sets. There's another one in the works. Is that right? Chuck, Phil, me and Poughkeepsie is cooking. Your one uptown is great. We got it. I mean, Stavros, Rosebud, Yanis, who else is in those?

Ronan's in there. Some loud hosts. Salakews shot it. Fun stuff. A lot of great stuff. And then we were out in Long Beach. Everybody who's everybody is on, whatever that's saying, is is on the Patreon.

Get on there now. And we appreciate your loyalty. Here, here, yeah. And I was thinking about you when I was drugged up, you guys. So Lord knows we love you. We need you and we'll blow you. So tell a friend, share the love, and queep it up. Brazala.

Boom. No one wants to be themselves. I'm in my headings when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe that we've got you.