Tuesdays with Stories! - #407 Mighty Cum

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

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Get on it, folks, and let them keep you hard. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Cialis. Yeah, this is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories. Hi, I'm Joseph Albert List. Hey. That is Mark Bigpins. Tim and Mark Norman. Yes.

Sorry. That's all right. I didn't want to try to come up with something. I wanted to correct you. I'd say I'm a decent medium with a big vein in the middle. Oh, the vein's nice, I think. I think they like the vein. The vein looks like something's happening.

Yeah, it's live. Yes, and also that vein, it's either blood or jizz. It's pumping. You can see like, oh, this is getting the stuff I need to the dick. Well, I know we talked about this before and I'll just say it again, but it heartens me, no pun intended, because I heard boners. It's the canary in the coalmine. If you can't get a heart on, you got a bad heart.

Is that right? Yeah, if you got a real limp noodle, it's because the heart can't pump the blood. And I feel so good because I'm 39 years old. I eat a lot of French fries, but I wake up every day with a rock heart loomster. Yeah, oh, huge boner. It's wild. If I'm on a bus, I get a boner. I'm talking to a woman with glasses, I get a boner.

A guy with sunglasses, I get a boner. I mean, I'm Boner City, the mayor. Yeah, wow. See, I'm a, every now and then in the morning, but bus, plane ride guaranteed. 100% it's, it's, it's 9 11 on that plane and those, that tower, it's not going down, but yeah, any, any vehicle, I'm gone. Yeah, it's, it's over. Also similar to we talked about a couple of weeks ago, far.

It's your gas year. If you wake up early, if you fuck up the scoop schedule, if I wake up like five AM, I got a third leg the first two hours of the day. Really? Yeah. I don't know what it is because I think from like three AM when I'm in realm, I'm hard as a rock. Interesting.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, I guess. I mean, I think I'm just dreaming of reverse bukkakis and regular bukkakis. Yeah, yeah. Woo. That is a good time. I, the sexual dreams are really exciting because you, it's, you basically got to experience it without any other work. I'm always afraid.

You're always afraid you're going to mumble in your sleep and be like, ah, Shelly set on my tits, you know. Sure, sure. I've heard you say things in the car. I mean, I'm just afraid my wife is going to hear me screaming my aunt's name while I'm sleeping. Well, Aunt Viv is a, is, is a real whore, but I, uh, I had to sleep with a fat guy recently in a hotel room to share a hotel.

Jesus. I'm not with the whore. Yeah, you chuch. Oh, six is gridlocked. Oh, sure. I just gave away your area. Oh God. Sixth street.

Sixth street. And third avenue. Yep. But he's village. What a fat man. Wait, hold on. I had to take, I had to sleep with a fat guy. We shared a hotel room in, uh, Tejas last weekend.

Chris Allen? No, Andrew Youngblood, the guy who saved me from the, uh, the green hulk. AYB. Yeah. Yeah. Jew. So he, uh, he went out drinking and got home later than me. So I was getting some good shut-eye and he came in like a bear and a china dick just

knocking the TV over with his fat ass. And then he would like turn the other way and the lamp would fall and then he finally collapsed on the bed and I'm talking, I mean, son logs, wood chipper, dogs are barking. It's these heavy boys with their breathing. It's bad news bears. I mean, I think I said this to you before. I had a comedian friend. I'll tell you off air, but he swore me to secrecy because he's like afraid is going

to cost him work. He's like, don't tell anyone about my story. No one ever want to work with me and I was like, you don't want the kind of gigs where you're sharing a hotel room. Even though we were sharing a hotel, I have many times, but he's like, it's bad news. And I've had, I've had a few run-ins with comics that are just, it's wild. I mean, I can't even describe the sea. It's like a steel mill.

Yes. Yes. And then you, you, you hear him and he sounds like he's dying. He's like, all that shit, like a car that won't start in the thirties. And, uh, I'm hitting it with oil here here and he's just outgoing all day long and you get angry. You're sitting there. You're like, I've tried to sleep, but then you realize I snore.

Oh, you snore. I snore like the Dickens. No kidding. Yeah. So, uh, poor bitch tits over here has to, has to put up with that. And she's recorded me a few times and you listen to it. You're like, whoa, that's so interesting. Cause I've seen you sleep a couple of times.

Every time we go to a movie, you, you nod off. Yeah. I got a problem. But I mean, Mark ellipsey, uh, hey, that's good. That's my album. It'll put you to bed. That could be, that could be a nice video. You know, you're on the bus or whatever or something, a boner, whatever.

Um, but I've seen you sleep. That's canary in the coal mine to me too. If you, if you're breathing all, cause I figured your, your fit is an asshole. So on Christmas. So I just assume you don't snore cause I don't snore too much. And unless it was my drinking days or if I fall asleep in my back, I'll get that. Yes, that's me, but I do still booze it up pretty hard every now and then. So she sees the worst of it when it's, uh, you know, New Year's Eve and I've had

17, uh, cocktails and a Viagra. But yeah, it, it gets pretty ugly. But, uh, I tried everything with this guy. He's a big boy and I could, it was like trying to flip a Honda. I couldn't cause if you get them on the side, they usually cool off a little and I couldn't roll them. It was like a beached whale there. I needed the, I needed that big strap.

They, and the crane and then keep it wet. You know, they keep it wet. I don't know the wet. What do you mean? Like a whale, a whale, a whale, a whale, a whale. They always keep that thing watery. Like a dog's nose. When you said crane, I thought we had moved on to like a,

that's what I meant. Yeah. With the whale, they would crane it, but I think crane. I think construction. So I forgot about the whale. I see a transition. I see. Well, I don't want to dead name you there.

Justine, uh, he, him Josephine, he, him, you, your, they there. Oh, there's there. That's fun. You're here. Yeah. Um, but anyways, I'm not a big snore, but maybe those breathe right nose strips. Remember those first thing for a minute?

Try it at all. That was one of my first bits was, uh, they had the breathe right nose strip. It helps you, uh, breathe better. Yeah. If you're constipated, can you put one on your asshole? Oh, I was, I was like a big one of mine. I like it folks.

Open it up, dilate that puppy, that balloon knot. See what I'm doing here folks. And then they'd be like, ah, it was just enough that people were like, he's going to be good. Yeah. I was 18 and I had a mustache and a top hat. And then I had that piece of material and they're like, Hey, this guy's got something.

I like it. I like it. I had an old bit about the everybody at the DMV is ugly and it was one of my big bits and this kid came up because that has been done to death and I, I wanted to murder him and sleep because I didn't, I didn't know about hack. Right. And you think you come up with everything and he's like,

that's been done. He just ruined my whole world. And I was like, oh, I didn't know we could do that. Yeah, that's tough. If you come in fresh, I mean, I've seen, but you know, it's interesting. And I think we've talked about this before too. Now there's a whole young generation.

They never watched any 80s comedy. You got that right. So they're like, I'm trying to buy condoms. I'm putting them under a bag of Skittles. So they won't see the condom. And I'm like, oh, I think we, we covered that pretty good. Yeah. And then that's the problem with these, these new queefs is

they, they think they're hot potatoes and they come in and they call everybody a hack and I'm an artist and you guys suck. But then they're doing the old shit. They don't even know it. Yeah, exactly. They don't even know a new queef on the block. Yeah. Where do you keep the, the mic from?

I mean, this looks like you rolled it in a bag of hay. Well, I think the, uh, the old puss in boots there sits on it like it's an egg and it's warming it. By the way, the cat back for the first time in weeks. Cat back. Good to have you there, Fanny. Uh, he's been, he's been bashful. Yeah.

Now he's happy to see you and, uh, you know, I think he might be dead. You think he's happy? He had a Xanax. I think this might be one of the happiest cats on the planet. Really? Cause I'm not from the footage I've seen. Look at this.

This is just spa day. He's just hanging. He's like a, like a pill head. I mean, I guess, but if, if you saw me, I mean, I don't want you to read me wrong. If you see me laying on a table like this without much movement, I'm not having a good time. I'm sad.

Well, that's what's odd about this, uh, come guzzler is he loves a hard, flat, cold surface. This is basically like an operating table over here or a butcher block. You get him a bed with some fluff. He's out. He wants that hard. Interesting. Well, I like it hard.

Now you said come guzzler. Have you thought at all? Maybe the wife's away. The mice will play. Have you thought about putting a little come in his dish to see what happens or maybe a direct hit into the, into that, you know, soukey tongue? I wouldn't mind shooting it right into his eye to see how he handled it, but they got that hard tongue.

I already tried that. That didn't go well. That tongue is like sandpaper. Right. I thought about it when I had the mouse in, uh, entrapment or whatever. I thought about coming in the hole to see if he'd enjoy it cause I bet he'd like a little semen. I do.

That feels like a comic book origin story. Like how did the mouse man come? Well, a lanky tall guy with a type two mouth shot a huge load into a tube with a mouse in it. He shook it up and then here comes a mouse boy. Yeah. Mighty cum. Yeah.

Here I come to save the time. But yeah, good times. Yeah. Yeah. So you got rid of the mouse. We got rid of the cum, the cat's back and I got to tell you about last night. What a whopper of a night. This was lunch.

Well, I saw it. I mean, we should go through the whole night because a lot, a lot happened. A lot of business, a lot of ups and downs, multiple hangs, great hangs. Yes. Friendships were earned. Lives were lost. Virginities were shattered.

Yeah. Hymen's were broken, vaginal excretions and Jews were gassed. Hymen Roth. So big night. I mean, I went to, uh, um, I love that noise. Anyways, fun fact, uh, when, uh, Michael and Hymen Roth are talking, the football game is Notre Dame USC classic rivals. Uh-huh.

A little fun. Oh, I thought you were going to do a Sandusky thing there. No, no. That's Penn State. Sorry. Penn State and, uh, he was a little whippa snapper back then. But anyway, so I went to, I was at, I have a spot at 815 at the stand, I'm eating Chipotle beforehand and I actually thought to myself,

I should call Mark, see what he's up to. And then I see Mark Norman calling. I mean, it's like a synergy. Yes. We're synced up periods and you know, it's weird when you call, it says stand up New York underneath. What? I don't know why because I think maybe on Facebook you work there at some

point and so it registered because it's all pipes. Yeah. Facebook's connected to the phone and the phone's connected to your, you know, large string. The whole thing. Yeah. The blue wire. Instagram is Facebook.

Don't you hate that when you're like, I don't look at Facebook. I hate Facebook. I like Instagram. Like it's the same thing and I'm like, well, whatever. It's different. It's different. Shut up pork and beef. It's all chicken.

It's all white meat. All right. Well, one's a pig. One's a chicken. Yeah, I get it. I get out of here. So anyways, you call. I say, Hey, what are you doing?

You say, I got an 815 at the stand. I say, I'm an 815 at the stand. You're downstairs. I'm upstairs. Yeah. What's black and white? What's Gades, right? All right, right month, baby.

Sorry. I was off kilter the beaten path. Ah, so we go over there. We arrive at the same time and it's different gigs, by the way. I go down there and see Ari Ari show, which you're on, which I did last week. It's packed and it's hot and fun. I'm upstairs and there's some podcast that's huge now called girls. Gotta eat huge pod.

Massive pod. Big lady, slutty pod. Well, evidently, one of them was on the show. So my crowd was all women. There was three men and like 48 young women. Wow. And I'm on stage and I couldn't help thinking about a reverse bukkake the whole time. Well, three men, that's a hell of a orgy odds you got there.

I mean, unbelievable. Just young ladies all looking up and I'm standing. I wanted them all to just flick their beavers and piss right in my mouth for like an hour. Yeah. Well, no wonder you're waking up with boners because you got a dirty little mind in that in that big old noggin of yours. Well, I just want to be outnumbered by women. You know, like they're there just, you know, clipping my toenails, ripping out

my pubes, spitting in my mouth, taking a shit on my forehead. Just a lot. I just want to be abused by a group of women. Interesting. I wonder if we could set this up with some kind of birthday party package deal like in Vegas or something. There's got to be a bitch boy package, a BBP and this guy is something of where we can set this up.

We, we dress them up like umpires and they come in, kick dirt on your feet and tell you you're, you're out. I would, I love that. I come out of the dugout. I'm sitting there giving signs and then I come running out. I kicked dirt on them and then they just come from behind and put me in like a half Nelson or a Willie Nelson put a Louisville slugger up the pooper and uh, call you a homo and call it a life.

Yeah. I really just want to be just hot. Loogies. Hocked on me like a foot in my mouth and a shoe in my ass. Just, you know what I mean? Just really call the fag and like, you know, lipstick on my nipples, something, something fun. I would, I want to watch this the way you watch a surgery.

I want to be up there with the hair net on and have the big light and see the whole thing. Yeah. I make eye contact and I'm like, we did it buddy. Yeah. I got the weird video camera that's, that's from the nineties for some reason. I'm looking down. Yeah.

Something fun like that. I need a safe word. I don't know what it would be. It would be tricky. Chocolate chips. Yeah. Yeah. It might be a little long.

Got to go quick. You can get it out. You know. Hey. Uh, right, right. Kweef. But it's such a wild dirty situation. It would have to be something very specific because of its, you know,

ejections, no good. Come is no good. That hurts. I like it. Whatever. Stop, stop. That's no good. Maybe retard.

Oh, it's not bad, but they can call you that because it was a punishment. Yeah. Corky. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah. Well, we'll figure that out. All right.

That's, I mean, the devil's in the details. But anyways, I'd like to have it happen. Yes. Yes. We could make this happen. We will run it by the wife of yours and I'm sure she'll be on board. She doesn't care about much. Yeah.

It's tough to say. She may not like, but if I'm not inserting and it's just, just spit and shit and puke and boogers, I think. Yeah. I picture you in a diaper. The dick will never come out. Yeah. Something like that.

Well, I want them to call it small and you know what I mean? Flick it maybe. Sure. Sure. Okay. Well, maybe we'll get you a clear diaper so they can see right into that tiny little disgusting package. And yeah, we'll, we'll film the whole thing. We'll put on the Patreon and have Chuck edit some graphics in there.

Yeah. We'll figure it out another day. But anyways, so the women are there. I perform. It's fine. It's whatever. Yeah. Then I'm like, let me shoot downstairs.

I had a short set cause some bullshit. I'm like, let me shoot downstairs, catch the end of yours. I talked to Ari. You come off, you go run up the stairs. I go, Hey, Marcus. Yeah. I thought I was going to beat you up there. Uh-huh.

Well, I was already down and then you take over telling what happened. Yeah. So we meet up and it was fun because this is a real packed out day for it because we already had a good 15 minute on the horn. That's right. And then we meet up and then we got a whole, that's a good 22 minute walk to the. Good walk. From the stand in the East side to the cellar on the West side.

You cut through the park. You go down Fifth Avenue. It's a great time. And it was magic hour, pink clouds, purple streaks. And that's just my underwear. Yeah. It's the miscarriage and the shit talking. So what, what is going on outside?

I'm not complaining, but it's 64 degrees. It's July. It's or it's almost July, but it's summer. You think it'd be blazing saddles out here. Well, it was hot earlier than the day a couple of days ago. I think it was hot. I don't know, but the rain came in. I think the rain cools things off.

Is that something maybe I just, it just, it feels like a gift from Satan himself because it's so nice out here. I remember last year, June, I was, it was like a Spike Lee movie. You know, you're like, son of Sam, I want to be a serial killer. Crime is up. The heat is up. The heat is on. It's overrated.

People pretend to like it. I know what you mean. Yeah. But, but here we're lucky up here in the Northeast because everywhere else in the country was like 120. It was like 120 degrees in Arizona, New Mexico, one of those bullshit sticks. So we're lucky here. I mean, the Northeast is where it's at.

You get multiple seasons, plenty of rain, no hurricanes, really occasionally, no tornadoes, no earthquakes. Yeah. Yeah. Just Jews and Puerto Ricans, but if you can stand that you're, you're home free. So we, uh, we walked to the cellar and then you get to the cellar and the cellar has got this weird thing going on where it's so nice outside that no one's in the restaurant but comedians.

Right. And then the, but the shows are full. Shows are full. No one's eating there. Well, I had a weird one because we walked all the way down. You had a spot at Fat Black. I was like, I'm going to go to the cellar and get dinner. I got to get in a group.

Yes. I need a little group hang. I need a group because nothing pulls you out of a funk. I had a little funk situation. Oh, did you? Nothing pulls you out of a funk like a good group round table hang. Right. The Funkadelic.

So I go, you have fun at the Fat Black. I'm going to go to the cellar. I walk into the cellar. I sit down at the table and I'm like, I look at the monitor. There's no show. I'm in between shows. The shows are 739 30 and for the people at home that don't know the cellar doesn't become a hang until like 10.

Yeah, I'd say that's about it because early on everyone fled the scene. I was literally the single only comedian just sitting in the entire building twiddling your pubes and then the wait staff is like, where you going? You're not, we're not good enough for you. And I'm like, that's right. Yeah, I want some comic. So yeah, I jog over the VU, the village underground, hoping to see Quinn. He already left, but Chris Rock is going up.

Oh, he's talented. He's very good. He's one of my faves as a youth. And then you text my fat ass and you go, hey, Dick cheese, old Rocky boys, pop it up and I die. I will actually said he's doing one of your bits. And I said, oh, shit. Now I got to go see this.

What do I have my act? And I go down there and barely the bits already on wax. So hey, suck it there, pebble. Yeah, no sweat, but I got to say this because this was a fun nugget. And I got a little insight. No, that's not it. But a case of the goose bumps. So some people call goose pimples.

Those people should be shot in the face. Kill yourself. Get out of here with goose pimple. You fucking losers. Now I got a cat pube that'll shake a man's soul. I think you might have to start hanging these from the rafters or something. Well, he'll just do the whole he likes to hang. I mean, look at this.

It looks like Larry David's head in the 70s. It's just white hair sticking out. I mean, no, it's like Bernie Sanders here. But yeah, he he'll he'll put up a fucking hair on anything. He's like a Maury from Goodfellas. Well, universal health care. So I'm downstairs and then Eagle Whit goes on. He's up there with Cypher and and Will Savins.

They're they're hosting together and the folks that don't know Cypher. He's a DJ one and twos. Yes. And and Will is Haitian. So they're up hosting Eagle Whit. They talk Eagle comes off. So Chris Rock is next and he's sitting over here and I watched Liz, the manager, give him a mic and say, Hey, you're next. And then this was really fun.

So Cypher goes, I'm going to give everybody a hint on who's coming up next. And he goes over to the DJ business, the record area. And he plays that song. Oh, what's that song? It was like a 90s song. I want to rock. No, no, it wasn't that. I was like a hip hop song.

But it was a rock. Oh, yeah, it's I want to rock right now. It was that song. OK. And so he plays I want to rock. I want to rock. And the crowd just kind of sitting there being like, I don't know what's going on here.

Someone from Iraq. Yes. So he goes, I want to rock right now. I want to rock. I want to rock right now. And so then Chris starts walking back there and so everyone in the back sees Chris Rock and they start going, whoa. So it starts to build a little back here.

Titalating. And now he's playing it enough times in a row. I want to rock. I want to rock. I want to rock, rock, rock. I want to rock. And then people start clapping. So people start looking at all of a sudden it starts to build.

And they were going to introduce him, but Chris just kept walking, walked straight on. So then the music's going, I want to rock. I want to rock. And everyone goes nuts. And all of a sudden he's just on the stage. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. I was like elbow and everyone like, you guys seeing this?

This is crazy. And then I was like, oh, this must be a thing they do. Cypher. Go back to DJ. They came off and they were like, that was pretty cool, huh? And you could tell Chris was like into it, but he underplayed it. Yeah, he's underplaying. He walked up with his reading glasses.

I mean, he's 78 years old. Sure, sure. And he's got, you know, he's got his notebook and stuff. And he walked on the place exploded. So cool. I love it. It was just very exciting. And then you came down and let me guess.

He said, please lower your expectations. He did because they go crazy. They go crazy and he wants to work out. He's got his notes and his ideas and you know him. He doesn't like to bring the heat or the pain. I should say on stage because he wants to see if the words will take. Yes. It's a really interesting way that he does it.

And for the people that aren't lucky enough to see him at the cellar, which is most people. Sure. You'd be, you'd be blown away if you watched him because he sits there. Like I said with reading glasses and he's like, isn't it weird that your cousin is related, but isn't really related? Right. All right.

Uh, what about that? He's just standing. There's no leather pants. There's no pacing. There's no voice. He's not doing this, right? No teeth. No.

Oh, he's one of the few guys that works out the jokes one way and then completely changes the way he delivers. It's fascinating. It is fascinating. I could never do that because to me the delivery is, is part of the package. So if you're doing something without the delivery, I feel like if you add the delivery later, it's going to change it. Different package.

Different package, which is bad in the dark. Yeah. You don't want your wife to have one of those. No, no, no. Kate and Jenner, but so fascinating. And I think he's, you know, he's not exactly murdering up there, but man, he's got, you can see the nuggets. Like, oh, there's some brilliance in that.

That's a great idea. That's an angle. Holy shit. How do we all miss that? But it's not exactly murdering, but you get to see the, the inner workings almost. Yes. And the audience is compelled.

Yes. Plus they got the Chris Rock story. You got that right. And then this is where I fucked it all up. Oh boy. I still feel so stupid about it because Michael Che is there. Sure. Who's our buddy?

Oh yeah. Good egg. He's hanging out there. He had a mascot. I thought that was strange. I made fun of him a little bit for the mask. What's going on with the mask? He totally forgot it.

He's like, oh, I forgot I was wearing it. I'm like, huh, well, it's covering your face. Cause then he took it off later, but I guess, whatever. He doesn't forget. It's on. Maybe he's worried about being seen without it in public show biz stuff. Or maybe he likes not being recognized because I didn't recognize him. Cause he had a hat and a mask on.

So I just thought he was some asshole. Yeah. I thought he was just some guy in blackface. But so anyways, he's there, but I got bad info. I thought he had already gone on. So rock finished and I was like, I'm going to run out of here with the audience. Cause sometimes the audience gets out and it's hard to get out. Sure.

So I ran out, ran over to the cellar. You came along. It was a bit of a stinker hang for a few minutes. Yeah. We really pumped some life into that dick. We were the vein. We tried. But I don't really, I would have liked to have seen what Che was up to stand up wise.

Oh yeah. He's got a hot special in the works and he was working on his stuff and it's quite, quite fun. I'm so bummed I missed it cause I hate watching specials. I need to watch live comedy. Yeah. He's ripping and rocking out there. So you'll see it. He's going to be there every goddamn night for the next 45 years.

But now this is where the night takes a turn. So this was, this is like just, there's so many layers to this onion ring. So, uh, we go, we're hanging out. It's Che. It's Ian Lara. It's Aaron Jackson. It's Jessica Kirsten. We're hanging out.

It's a fun time. We're getting some good yucks. Great laughs. Liz pops her Italian face in and goes, hey, hey, it's Joe Mackey's birthday. There's cake outside. So I would just turn into a poof. Just poof. And I run outside this game.

You're a poof. There's whipped cream. It's Phil Hanley. It's Mackey. It's you, me, the other guy. And we're all having fun and joking. Then Che's like, hey, uh, Chappelle, oh, then Chappelle walks up. Chappelle walks by, which is so fun.

Cause the audience is standing outside waiting for the show. Yeah. Cause the one show, the second show is still going on, the audience for the third show, which is the show I'm on. Yeah. They're lined up over here and they're just watching Michael Che walk up. Chappelle's walking up. We walk up and I'm so excited about that.

I saw one guy did a thing. I saw that. Yeah. He was, he was a gay. Mm-hmm. He was gay. Yeah. And then, uh, so then Che gets off, he does the whole Chappelle thing.

The black guy's with the handshake. It's so impressive. It's just that, pah, perfect. There's no flub or flip. We're always, oh, what are you doing? The pound, the anal, the fist, the, the clip, whatever it is. And they got it just nailed it. Cause it's 18 bodyguards.

You know how these Chappelle types work. And, uh, so. Posse. Thank you. Entourage. That's it. Fuck. Posse works if you're in the western and you're killing the townspeople.

Posse stinks. All right. A possum. So, uh, we go to me and Che pop over to the, the VU, the village underground, which is around the corner. That's where I lose you. Yes. Cause I had a spot at the cellar.

Aha. Good to see you're still doing it. I try. And, uh, we go in, Che Pelle goes. Oh, first of all, we go in. Shane Gills is on stage killing, killing so funny. He's, he's got this whole Trump chunk and he's like, I'm aware Trump. I'm, I'm, I just found out I can do this.

I'm late to Trump. Like, you know, I'm not going to ruin his bit, but he had this whole bit about Trump getting shot and it's fucking great. He's really amazing. Amazing comedian. He's one of those guys that upsets you. Yes. You're like, oh, fuck this guy with his talent.

Funny and tall and fat. And, uh, so, uh, Che Pelle, I'm watching him light the cigarette. Like, is that Shane Gills? And the manager's like, yeah, he's like, oh, he's funny. So I get to watch Che Pelle say he's funny and then Shane doesn't know he's there. So I'm, I'm just enjoying the fact that he's killing and then this huge, one of the biggest comics on the planet is going, he's good.

He's fine. Wow. Insane. And he doesn't know it. I get to, I get to live through it. It's fun. Yeah. You know, Che Pelle loves Shane before Shane.

Exactly. And he's just having fun on stage killing. Thank God. This is why you got to kill folks. A lot of these people phone it in until they, until they get the Netflix and then they try to bring the heat. Yes. Bring the heat all the time.

You never know. He's watching. That's right. Having a good time, but the bugs like life is always something and but I hate bugs. I am a bug hater. I made a great sketch called a guy who kills mosquitoes too hard years ago.

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That's G-A-B-I dot com slash Tuesdays. One more time. Gabby G-A-B-I dot com slash Tuesdays. And get insured today. So Shane gets off. Dave Chappelle, everybody. You know how he takes 20 minutes to get to the stage for some reason, so he's hugging Shane.

He's doing the pan with the whole thing with Shane. Headlock, you know. And then Shane was doing so well that Chappelle had to reference it. Ooh. Yeah, and he was like, God bless Shane. I mean, Shane in the back going, Ah!

I was like, get that clip. That's on tape. They got a house camera. And so Shane, I watched him drink 11 Bud Lights. I counted. Shane? Yeah. Oh, boy.

And he just sat there, planted, watching Chappelle. We're laughing. Chappelle's got new stuff. Like, very offensive. You can guess what group he's shitting on. And it's a lot of fun. And then Che and me are hanging out. Then Colin Jost walks in.

Jostie. Jost, he's hammered. So now I got the whole SNL weekend update to my right. And I got FatGill on the left. Yes. So I'm in a real funny orgy here. I'm in like a comedy gulag. Doesn't it make you so well?

It makes you happy and sad at the same time. But Gillis could have been sitting between them on a weekend update. You're right. What a fuck up. They should have just held the line and said, hey, whatever. The past is prologue, whatever the fuck that means. Right.

And said, we're keeping him on because he's brilliant. But ultimately, it's probably fucking better for him because he can do whatever he wants now. But I guess. My god. They passed on Soder and they fired Gillis these numstals. I know. Who cares about the Asians?

They'll be fine. He made a joke. Get over it. It's a comedy show. It's a comedy joke. Hire the man. You got a bunch of queefs over there anyway. You could use a little heat.

It's like they finally got. I don't want to say they make all wrong decisions. He's very talented people over there, obviously. But you know, I mean, Gillis is as good as it gets. Yeah. He's got a lot of promise if he doesn't drink himself to death, which concerns me. But he should have been on the fucking show.

He's goddamn brilliant. Yeah. By the way, Justin Chay are great on Weekend Up. Oh, yeah. It's the best part of the show. It always has been. Easily. Yeah.

Yeah. Good jokes. Good writing. Good hair on that. Colin Jost is banging Johansson and they look the same. They're like the same face, same hair, spiky, whitey, you know, like thick Americans. It's insane to be friendly with or an around a person who's what?

Are they married? I think they're married. Well, whatever. His partner is like in the worldwide conversation for hottest woman in the world. I know I was sniffing his fingers, sniffing his dick. I just wanted to get a taste because he's banging Johansson a comedian Jerry.

That's not so. I think of comedian. I think of Dom I rara, you know, like we're not exactly the sexiest gang of cuts out there. It's insane. I mean, and not to mention scale Johansson first class act. I mean, lost in translation. Forget about it.

One of my favorite movies of all time. Jesus catches a big move for the folks at home. This is aggressive. Yeah. That was a, oh, that's me too. Right there. That's a butt touch. Podge has touched my asshole and then she reached her right arm

past her left ear, which I've never seen before. Oh, this guy's got got a call. He's got a hops or stretches or Hile. Hile. Thank you. Oh my God. Man, this is quite the Bert Reynolds shoot here on the bear rug, very weird, but her tail looks like a duster.

One of those dust things that doesn't really clean up dust. It just moves it around a little bit like a hot French maid and the game of Clue. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't mind having one of those when we do my big party called French maids high heels in the asshole. Well, I think you got to wear that. No, I don't like that.

Don't don't make me dress like anything. I want to just in my regular outfit. You know, I hear you. I hear you. Maybe a baseball uniform as we discussed. So we're all hanging out now. Chappelle is ripping and rocking and he's got the cigarette. He's got about 38 whiskies going.

I don't know if I'm supposed to be saying any of this, but the phones are locked up. We are in this cabin of laughter. You know, and the doors are locked to security. We're hanging out. The drinks are flowing. He's smoking the phones. There's no camera in sight.

It's fucking. This is it, baby. We're in a nightclub. We are in a speakeasy of sin and you can feel it. Yes. And it's all just a bunch of regular common folk down there and they're getting to witness this. Now they got something for the water cooler.

And so then Chappelle in his comedic stupor goes, hey, well, let's get Michael Che up here. So now they've seen rock chain. Fucking tits. Oh, look at that. That was scary. I've never seen this cat this comfortable. Holy hell.

That's going to be a jiff right there. I just shit my pants. Yeah. Yeah. That was bad. I could smell it. I don't know what minute that was in the episode 32 13. But you're going to have quite a clip to pull jiff.

Cheesy moms choose jiff. Chuck, you got that making a gift for a jiff or a quiff. Oh my God. That was scared because it made a leather scratch noise. Oh, yeah. Well, this thing's all moves. There's no there's no subtlety with this quiff. So Michael Che walks up and I'm sitting there talking to Joe's

and Joe's is he's a little lit up. If you know what I mean, he's getting loose. Yeah. Because SNL, I believe is wrapped. Yes. They're on hiatus, vacation, sabbatical, sabbath, whatever. Galco. Yeah.

So they bring him up and he's like, oh, no. He doesn't want to go up there. He's he's he's in half in the bag over here. Yeah. He's trying to enjoy his night. Yeah. He's probably just got done going down on old Jufe's Hansen and he's dressed to the nines.

You can tell they went to some fancy dinner. He's had 38 bottles of expensive wine. These guys are living. Wow. That's fun. So they go up now. It's all three of them up there and they're just zinging and zanging.

The crowd is just shit and blood. It's so fun. So they've seen rock. Gillis kill it. The guy who got fired from SNL. Now the weekend update with Chappelle. What a show. What a night.

I should have come back over. I did my set. But then the thing is I had an 815 and 1140. So I've been fighting around for three and a half hours. So after a three and a half hour in the city, you're like, all right, I got to turn in. I was pushing it myself there. I mean, I left at 230 and they were still on.

Chappelle was on for four hours plus the hour and a half show they saw. What's with the four hours? What is he? Springsteen and 78? I mean, it's enough already with the four hours. He's doing Q&A and they're eating it up. And here's the Kweefi.

Here's the Klinker. They stopped serving booze because it's legal. You got to cut it off, you know, at 11 or whatever it is. Sure. So we're kind of sitting there like, this is unfair. They've been watching Chappelle for two hours now and they've had no drinks. So they must be parched.

Right. Can you get a water at that hour? I guess maybe a water. But I think at one point they said, fuck it. Open it back up. Oh, nice. And then you got to think they open it back up. They're going to make a hundred grand real quick.

I don't know about a hundred grand. That seems like a lot. Ten? But I have to say the other day I was watching a set and then someone set and then they have the bar, whatever, the boop, boop, boop, the tail. Oh, the the positive touch. Yes.

The tail. Whatever, tail is the old term. And the tail. So there she's touching the thing and I was watching it go bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. $389. I don't know how many people were in the party, but they it was, I could see it was burger, wings, beer, beer, beer.

Oh, that adds up. Foreign thing. And so somebody there, at least one table is getting a check for $389. Wow, that's one table. Yeah, there is party that's like, I don't know how they pay all these comedians, the staff, the whole thing. Then you see like one table, 400 bucks.

Exactly. That's that, just so the folks know at home, the tab, the admission is on the tab. Oh, that includes four tickets. I didn't know that. You got to check for all of the things. So man, that's a high, that's a pricey night. I didn't realize these folks were showing out that much coin.

Well, it might be a table of six. So you have the six admissions, which is six times 15, which is $345. $700. I think 90. I got this Calcula. 90, I believe, but so that's, that's 90 bucks right there. And then you did six meals, whatever the fight doesn't

matter, but they make a lot of cash is the point. Cash cow. Sarah and I have been saying the same thing about the view. It's so special. It's so beautiful. And we're really blowing the comedy seller here, but you should go get tickets, reservations and the stand also doing great things.

But the idea of where we went to see, I talked about a couple weeks ago, I went down to take a shit. I saw Chris Rock and Colin Quinn and it's daylight. It's like 645 PM and we're underground is all these people like in high heels that I want my ass and just suits and they're just going to work. There's homeless people. There's like a CVS here.

There's a movie theater. They have no idea that these massive celebrities, brilliant artists are in a basement below the saying stuff that would get you shot in the face. If you set it on the view. Yes. What a career. What a life.

What a what an art form. What a what a what a world we live in where I'm right below the souls of your tap dance shoes is Colin Quinn talking about Trans Anal. What a wonderful world. That was bad. What was that? That was Louie Anderson.

What a Louie Anderson. By the way, this was me on Xanax the other day. This is the same look. Oh, don't shake the tail of a sleeping asshole. Man, get under that neck. Get a feel. That's like a bear fur right dog. I'll go under dog.

I'll blow. I'll get under the ear and the thing. That's too much. This is like a Canadian house right here. Fatty. That's not bad. That's not bad. I don't want to go body.

Well, it's flinched. Get it. You got to get the heart of it. The meat. This is the gushy fun. No, that's what the nipples are. That's a me too. And it's got pets or tits or a pussy.

It's a male. I'll cover the lipstick. If you want to, I think you should shave it and make a wig and wear it to the festival. That's not boy boy. You woke the dragon there. Sloppy. Hey, come on with this.

Look at the top. It looks like do caucus with that hair. What's up with that English Prime Minister guy? It looks like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber. She's really bad floppy blond, strandy hair. He's really bad. Tony Blair. I think is his name.

Our pets heads are falling off. Yeah, Tony Blair. That guy is a kook. Hi. Now, what's his name seriously though? Tony Blair is the old guy with Bush. No, that's he's an ABC news. This is Dino or Dingo Barry.

That's John Stamos. His brother. What's his name? 10 Downing Street, London, downtown Abbey. Now, the place to be. Yeah. What is that? What the fuck is his name?

Himmler. Oh, it's Merkel. Helen Merkel. Uh-huh. I'm wearing a murky is Roland Garros. Rafa. Yeah. Now, the big Ben.

No, what the fuck's his name? I've been there. Oh, impressive. Okay. You've been there. Yeah. Big, big, big time. Uh, been there.

What the fuck's his name? Oh, wait, Boris. Boris Karloff. Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson. There it is. That sounds made up. Yeah.

Doesn't it sound more German? The Bures Boris. The Johnson. Well, that's a Russian name, I believe. Ah, Boris. I'm not gay. Yeah, Boris and Natasha. But yeah, Boris Johnson.

Get a brush. Get a comb. Who elected this guy? I think the people of England. I guess so. Great Britain, maybe. Do they all vote? Yeah.

I think so. I think he's, is the Prime Minister of Britain or just England? I think they're the same thing. Well, England's in British. Britain is Northern Ireland. What? England, Wales and Scotland. That's the United Kingdom slash Britain.

Is that right? That England is just England. Wait a minute. Wait, I think England and Great Britain are the same thing. Well, no, England is part of Great Britain. Great Britain includes England, Northern Ireland, Wales and Scotland. Whoa, you sure about that? That's Great Britain.

Yeah, so if you're from Wales, you're Welsh and you're British, but you're not English. What? It's very confusing. So it's like saying, if you're Canadian, you're from North America, but you're not American. Yeah, you wouldn't say I'm American. You'd say I'm Canadian, but you are technically American. Because you're from South America. Yes, yes.

Like Peruvians are American. Gross. But no one says that. No, not on my watch. But like Andy Murray, the tennis player is from Scotland, but they're like, he's British. Whoa. Yeah, that's what British means. I never knew that in my all my years.

English is it? Because you see, British, you have that flag, the Union Jack, the red and the blue with things. A good flag. That's the British flag, but the England flag is just the white with the red tee. Oh, the cross, the cross, the red cross. That's the England flag. Sure. I thought that was Switzerland.

Now Switzerland has something similar. They have a, they have the red flag with the white cross. Whoa. Geez, you're blowing my nips off here. Oh, maybe it's a red dot. No, that's Japan or a period. Pearl Jam song in the forehead of an Indian spotting. But yeah, it's all confusing.

Yeah. Well, wait a minute now. I didn't, I would have, would have been Northern Ireland. So what about Southern Ireland? Is it like Korea where they're split? Ireland is its own thing. Ireland is just Ireland. And then Northern Ireland.

No, Northern Ireland is its own country. What? Yes. And Northern Ireland is its own country and part of Britain. That's what that, all that the troubles were all about. Well, that was Protestants and Catholics, but then there's Northern Ireland and Ireland. It's all confusing. Is that the, is that Brexit or is that Irish exit?

Brexit is Britain, including Scotland, all leaving the European Union. But then Scotland sometimes votes to be annexed from Britain to be its own thing. Holy hell, you're blowing my car. And Scotland's its own country, but it's also part of the United Kingdom. Hey, yay. This is too much. What am I, an immigrant? I got to take a test now.

It's whack-a-doodle-doo and there's probably one small detail I'm fucking up and then 48 people are going to call me a piece of shit. I think I'm dead on on this stuff. The London Bridge is falling down, but a couple things. I have no, no news on Southern Ireland, by the way, or is there mid Ireland or a Pacific West? It's just, it's just Ireland. The Emerald Isle is the whole thing. Now it's an Emerald?

It's a sparkly green island. Jewel. But so there's Ireland and Northern Ireland. But then this is one of the things that's tricky about it is them leaving the EU. Now there'll be a border between, there's a border between Ireland and Northern Ireland, but you can just drive. It's like Canada, the U.S. But with Britain leaving the EU, now they'll be armed guards in there going, hey, you're

leaving the EU. You're coming into Northern Ireland now. So now they think that might flare up some herpes. Some, yeah, some herpes outbreaks. Interesting, interesting. I got a couple things here that I'm interested in talking with you. Well, this is fascinating. I'm getting quite a geography test here.

But Scotland doesn't get to do, by the way. Invented Gulf. Yes. Scotch. And pool? No, no. The... Jerk at it?

Tubin? Luing? What's this thing with the broom? It's curling. Curling. That's theirs too. Ah, the Canadians really ripped that puppy to shreds. I think it's Scottish.

I think it's Scottish. And then the Canadians really made it their own. And Sean Connery. All right. I've been to Scotland once. Glasgow. Oh. Boy, there's some tough, tough crackers out there.

I'm talking big, hairy, legged, whitey. I went to Edinburgh, which was fun. And then every time I fly there, there's a town called Campbell Town. And you know, I'm a Campbell, as is Michael Che, fun fact. And the soup. And I think about going there and bringing my aunt and my uncles and be like, come on, boys, let's go out to Campbell Town and we'll yell freedom and kissing the lips or whatever. The motherland.

And you can paint half your face blue and not white. Yeah, and show her my dick. There you go. I hate the Jews. But Northern Ireland. I'd like to go. That's where they shoot Lord of Games or whatever that fucking bullshit is. Rings.

No. The other one. Thrones. Game of Thrones. Yes. And there's Belfast, which I heard is nice. Ah, is that, that's not where, wait a minute, are there two Belfast? No.

Belfast is, I think the capital of Northern Ireland. That's like the big city of Northern Ireland. Oh, Northern Ireland. Oh, okay. I thought we were on Scotland still because I know they call Van Morrison the Belfast cowboy. Yes. This is interesting about Northern Ireland.

If you're from Northern Ireland, you're Irish. Okay. He's Irish. Sure. But he's from Northern Ireland. We don't say I'm Northern Irish. You just say I'm Irish. But he's from the Northern Ireland.

I've heard nothing about the South. It's no South. It's just Ireland. That's Ireland. Dublin and Cork and Kilkenny. That's just Ireland. So you don't say South Ireland. You just say Ireland.

You keep saying Northern Ireland. Okay. Okay. That's the countries. I'm flabbergasted. It's kind of like there's no America. There's South America and North. That's not a good example.

That's not a good example. It's a big America. We're apparently a superpower. Well, you're here of Northern Virginia, but you never hear Southern Virginia. You just hear Virginia. Ah, got it. That's not bad. That's not bad.

That's not bad. Yeah. South Florida. You don't hear about North Florida. You're Central Florida. And then you hear the Panhandle. Ah. They say Panhandle, Central Florida, South Florida.

Yes. All right. There's a few Panhandlers out here. Oh, this is a plethora. It's getting creepy out there. And every time I had this, this annoyed me the last night, I was talking to a comic last night. I was like, I'm taking an Uber.

And he's like, why don't you go get a yellow cab? And I'm like, first of all, there's no cabs. And I don't like waiting because there's not a lot of cabs. And I'm like, it's scary out there. And he's like, ah, you pussy, shut up, you pussy. Then proceeds to tell me a story about a guy getting chased with a pipe. Ah, nice. And I'm like, oh yeah.

Yeah. I told you it's crazy. I'm going to get away from this Uber. It's taking 10 minutes. He's like, don't wait for an Uber. Just go get a cab. Take the subway. And I go, ah, I don't want to.

And they tell me another story. He's like, by the way, did you hear about Billy? He got shot in the face. He tells like three stories. I'm like, you're making my point. Yeah. Yeah. You can say who that was.

Ah, it doesn't matter. All right. Some people like a pipe. Smoke a pipe. Crack pipe, lead pipe, piece pipe. Does he say we smoke them piece pipe? What does he say there? Who's that?

Oh, Seinfeld? Yeah, the Scar Store Indian. I think it's we smoke them. That's what I do. We smoke them piece pipe. That's why I put the captions on. It doesn't make those, that word doesn't make sense to me. I think that's an old saying.

It's a reference to like a Western mood. We smoke them piece pipe. It's like he's talking like a dumb Native American, I think. Oh, I see. It's a little dicey these days. I got you. That whole episode was ahead of its time. Let me ask you this because this I think is, uh...

Do we get those ads? Oh, good point. Just curious. This is going to be a little clunky. We're going to have to plug it in later. We'll plug. We'll plug. This is a weird episode.

We're doing... It's a weird thing we're doing because we've got to get out in front of these vacations. It's vacation time. I'm going to Martha's Vineyard. I know. I'm going to Nantucket. Woo! We've got to be neighbors.

Wow. So crazy. We're going to the two waspy paradises. Islands. Thank you. Um... Hmm. I got nothing.

All right. I should have texted earlier. We really fucked up. Well, at least you texted. I did zilch. So you guys get off easy. You're not getting any ads. Well, we'll plug them in to the cat's asshole.

Yeah. We'll put them here. Oh, here they are. Ah! Oh, boy. Those were some fun ads. We're going to go show Bo. All right.

Let me ask you this. Please. Oh, my God. This has been quite an episode. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of fine tuning. Wow.

You like that cat? I don't like that cat. Out. No, I love it. You're very nice. I feel bad. I'm trying to be a real Namastean. I can't believe you're not going to get on this cat gut.

I didn't. It got up and jumped. Yeah. That's true. It didn't like it. I've had two real frights. You're post repellent. I'm a skinny cat.

Sorry. I stepped on your thing. Yeah. It was nothing. All right. So yesterday I'm walking around a story. I'm a most recorded pop song in history. What do you mean?

Recorded. Like re-recorded. Yeah. Ripped off. Well, covered. Covered. Rip off as if you were being like, tomorrow. All right.

My father's game. That would be a rip off. We got a new theme. You're out. Surf's up or whatever. Duck fell out of his anal. I can feel a booger in my right nostril. It's just in there.

It's moving a little bit. Hey, they wiped it on the cat. It's exciting. Don't go. Oh, it's a hanger. My God. It's up here. It's like in my retina.

I think it's making its way down. It's long. Oh, don't flick it on the couch. It didn't come. Nothing came. I came up empty. I'm just wiping the saliva off. All right.

Saliva. All right. So by the way, I'm sweating like my mother's asshole in the summertime. Well, it's the breeze isn't cooking. No breeze. We need the crossbreed. So I'm walking in a story. I'm listening to my nice podcast going on one with everything.

My life is gay. What is it? Eckhart Tolle? No, this was. It was a Sam Harris with odd. Yashante. He's one of these guys that changes his name to something weird, but his real name. I'm sure is like Bill Stevens.

Like Muhammad Ali and Kat Stevens. Exactly. You know. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Oh, yes. Luel Cinder. Yeah. Three great names ruined.

Yeah. Good point. Kat Stevens cooler. What's the cooler name of that? Cassius Clay. But Kat Stevens wasn't a real name either. Was it? I assume.

Kat? Who changed the name twice? What kind of psycho prima donna pretentious coos goes double change? Oh, there's no way his given name is Kat. Nobody's like, I don't know. His name's Kat. I think he grew up in a cult. His dad's a pedo.

I don't know. Something's up. He's great. He was one of the earliest things of like, I was like 20 and I was with the older gentleman comic who was raping me and he said, like cats. He's like, you can't listen to Kat Stevens. He denounced America. He hates America.

Oh, yeah. The earliest instance of me being like, I don't care. Yeah. It's a great song. I'm listening to the song. Great father and son as a killer. I'm like, I'm not going to listen to the song because he hates America. What do I give a shit?

Yeah. Look at the tune is good. But I'm like, I don't know. There's a lot of potholes as assholes. A lot of holes. Country stinks. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I mean, I like it. I live here, but this plenty. If someone hates America, I'm not like you piece of shit. I'm like, I can see that. Yeah. Yeah. What do I care? It's like when they go on this quarterback beat his dad.

I go, well, he made the touchdown. Yeah. I'm watching the game. What do I give a shit? It counts. He went over the line. I don't care about his mom. I mean, he's got a lot of hits and whatever, whatever his thing is.

I don't care. Sure. But anyways, I'm never getting to the story. Sorry. I'm listening to Karim Abdul-Jabbar and Betty White talk. And I see a guy come up with a pamphlet. So right away I'm like, I'm not interested. Yeah.

And he goes yoga. It's yoga. Like that. Geez. And he goes, you know, I'm trying to save a small business. They've been out of business for 15 months and we're trying to save this business. Just take a flyer. Good God.

And he's yoga. He needs a little yoga, a little downward anal there. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, are you going out of business because of the pandemic? Or are you going out of business because you're a fucking psychopath who's the complete reverse of yoga? Attitude adjustment. Go there and do a spinning cliff in an upward cycle.

I'm like, does the yoga people know that you're shouting at people? And he's mad at me. And by the way, it's like nine in the morning. It's too early to be mad. This guy's got to listen to a little tick knock to tick not on. Thank you. Greg. Greg.

Oh, is that what he does? Yeah. You ever see Greg? I've never seen it. Put it on the top of your list. Go see Greg. Get like buy a plane ticket to go see Greg. I mean, I'm not really that blown away by the snapping.

I could be completely honest. It's not a great cell for a comedian. Snapping is fun. You got to, you got to see it. That's the whole thing. I gotta go watch a crooner. I want to see a snap. He does the fit in the middle of his egg.

He goes, you guys have been great. Thank you. I'm not even close to done. Come on, everybody. He's fun. Okay. He seems fun. I'm not doing the bits, but there's bits and he's hilarious and it's just pure joy.

And he's the funniest guy. All right. Well, you know, snapping is that yoga cook hunt. What's that? A skateboard? A skateboard. I know that noise anywhere. Right.

Cat. He's the guy and the yoga guy was very upset. And I just thought it was funny. I thought we'd get more out of this, but I guess not. No, that's crazy. All right. This guy's, uh, he needs to readjust his spine and his toad. But I'm like, you can't be yelling and barking for yoga.

No, no. That's like a meditation guy killing his kids. Exactly. Yeah. So that's no good. I had a similar situation. Well, this, this city, it brings it out. You know, it's like that, the, the sign fell down for the contest where he's like, oh,

those my socks. I'm snapping at everybody. What are we doing? You know, you start losing it. I'm yelling at strangers. Yes. So, uh, I was in Union Square subway underground. I'm just, you know, it's a big subway.

You can walk around. There's a lot of, a lot of square footage in that sub. Yes. So I'm up, uh, I'm up on the top part, not down on the track, just up on the top part, not in the C level, but just, you know, underground still, but not by the track. I see. So my phone rings. It's Tim Dillon.

And you know, Tim, I put that puppy on the air pod and he's going. And he's going off about, you know, God knows what and school shootings and whatever. And so you got to match it. It's the only way you can have a conversation with the guy. Right. You got to come up to his C level and he's going. And so I'm going. And I look across the subway, uh, on the other, other wall of it.

Cause I'm by the wall. I'm trying to keep my, my P's and anal. And this guy is crazy. And he's going. And he's yelling at himself. He's yelling at a fake guy, his dad. He's like, he's like a mirror. He's a mirror.

And I'm got the earbuds. And so I'm yelling at no one as well, even though I'm talking to a fat gay guy in Austin, Texas. But I'm like, I know, right in that crazy. And then he's going. And so I could see people clink, clinking. They're coming through the turns. I was going, Jesus, Jesus, look at these fucking cities in the toilet. We got two wackos at the same station, 10 feet away from each other.

So that was a fun little moment I had. And then I told Tim, I didn't care. That's fine. But Tim also called me, which was fun. I think we discussed this a little bit. I think he read from a script because both conversations sounded pretty similar. Right. Great guy, fun guy, funny guy.

Hilarious, hilarious guy. He's doing quite well. And I believe he's got some tickets out for sale if you read my gay there. Coming up. Yeah. So check it out. Yes. Go buy those to go see that show.

He's probably one of the hottest young Jews in the country. Yeah. I mean, show business hot physically is appalling. Yeah. It's not pretty, but I don't want to be a jerk as circus here, but I got to question your conversation approach. I think it's like the old adage when you follow a high energy comic, you don't try to match that energy.

You got to bring it down. Interesting. I think you get Tim calling and yelling. You got to go. Yeah. That's pretty crazy. Bring him down. Let him look good for the goose.

It's good for the gander. This guy's been doing comedy for six months just because he blew up doesn't mean you have to match him. You can bring him to you. I think you got, I think you got a point there. Yeah. Cause you got to be you. You got to be yourself.

And I'm, I'm trying to adapt and be, not a chameleon, but I always think the right thing to do is go with the flow a little and maybe you're right. Maybe you, maybe you have your own flow. Subduem. Go. That's crazy, Tim. I'm excited that you're doing well. Thanks for calling.

Yeah. That's pretty good advice. I like that. Yeah. But you're a high energy guy too. You're, you're a, you, your volume scares me sometimes. Oh really? We're talking comedy.

Oh yeah. Cause you're saying anal and quiff and tits and then there's a pair of priests and a cop over there. Yeah. I mean, we had that on the sidewalk after leaving the stand. I was trashing some, uh, comedian and you're like, she's 10 feet ahead. I was like, wow, she can't hear us. What are you crazy?

We've had that a few times. I'm like, everyone's listening. They can all hear. Yeah. By the way, Steve Rogers, the, the, the huge cock, this meaty circumference on this piece, quite a piece. He's like the, he's like low key, the loudest. He doesn't know how to whisper.

He's got one of those deep voices or, or loud voices in the booming, the, the projecting it's booming. We're like at a sports store and he's not saying anything crazy, but he's like, you've been working on that bit about the, uh, the high heels in your ass. And I'm like, what are you crazy? You can't let anyone know that we're comics. I know. I know.

Especially the sports store. What do you guys shoot in a scene? You know, it looks like a gag. You're like, like, uh, you're doing a sitcom app. Yeah. It's no good. So, uh, Steve quiet down and shrink that dick and scaring everybody. I know.

And he's so small that dick must look like a fire hydrant in a, in a Ziploc. Yeah. Like it's just up against his trousers, like a goddamn, uh, tremor. But also, let me just say this, I had a lady, I was at the stand, I was kind of eating my ass a little up there because this crowd was a wet blanket. This guy comes to you when the guy comes back from the bathroom and he's got to say something to his date. And he's like, I took a shit in there or whatever he said.

And she's like, oh, I know. And it's like full volume. And you're like, why'd you have to come back? And then you come back in and ruin the show. So I hate that you came back and then she, I do my thing where I'm doing my act at them. I'm not going, Hey, shut up. Yeah. You fat coos.

I'm going. So then the other day I got in an Uber and she's like, he's looking at us. He's looking at, shut up, shut up. And then I go, okay, they caught my drift. So I move it along and go back to my, and then they go back to talking. And eventually I had to say something and it got pretty ugly. Yes. The thing is like they haven't learned a lesson to not do.

They just don't want to get caught. Exactly. So they're still stealing. They're just, you know, doing it. I don't know. That fell apart. I hear you. Yeah.

I float your boat there, Johnson. But yeah. So I, well, what's your go to line? Is that line about a, Hey, where'd you learn to whisper a helicopter is really a good line. But it's just, it's been done to death. Obviously I don't want to steal that line. But boy, I always think to say that and I have to stop myself. I don't do any lines.

I'm all business. I go like this. You're distracting me. I can hear you talking. It's distracted. It's bumming me out. I know you're having a nice time, but if you can stop because I'm just getting distracted, I kind of put it on myself a little bit.

Wow. And then if they talk again, I'm like, Hey, you got to shut up. I mean, you fucking suck. Your mother's fat or whatever, you feel like that takes the oxygen right out of the room. Now there's tension. I got to have a giggle after it sometimes, but the thing is, if you get the line, sometimes they feel this weird thing and then they want to keep it going. Then they get the thing of like, I was helping.

You got that. Yeah. They feel like they're part of it. So I'd rather just go too loud. I can hear you talking. It sucks. Everyone's shut up. You fucking douche.

Okay. My, my go to now, which I probably shouldn't give away is a little of the cats acting weird. You all right? Right. It's acting very weird. I think it hates the podcast. Yeah. Well, it's not the first, but I don't even check out run on, but so I go, uh, where'd

you learn to speak? I just totally refangled the bit. Sure. Where'd you learn to speak quietly and orgy and it killed, believe it or not, not the best line, but I came out of my ass, but I had to read. I took the formula and just ship shaped it to the, the, the, the logic there. It's like a roast, roast jokes. You just take the formula.

You take this out, you plug that in and you stick this in. And then there you go. Roast. By the way, the roast haven't come back yet. What do you mean? There's no roast back. Like we had pandemic since about the roast battles not happening, roast, whatever. Roast battle Baker, but the, the roast battle is big in LA.

They do it every week. Ross is there. Moses is there. It's at the store. It's in the main room again or whatever. It's, it's, it's back with, I don't want it here. Let's keep it out of here. Right.

We don't need the roast. You know what I want to do? We got to wrap it up. I know you got to go to Royers first. I want to do an old school roast. I know content is everything now content, this content, that phones in the bag, no cameras, no recording equipment, roast, like we have a row in the view, audience members can come 300 people, whatever it is, 200 people, but just an old school rut.

Like we did the Nate and the honest roast back in the day, the two best roasts ever. Nobody had phones, no nothing. And I know it'll be painful to go, Oh, wow. We could have made this much money and such much money, but to just have some real buds. And I want the N word flying and the C word fly and just a real, we're keeping a secret. This is a rose. No one's watching this. We're going to have a fun night.

And that if you didn't get tickets too bad, so sad, it's news you lose. Yeah. I thought I was going to rely on with sad. Ah, you got had. Yes. You've been had and I'm glad and you know, sorry, but yeah, that's a great idea. I'm down and let's get down and dirty like the roast used to be when no one had a goddamn camera on their telephone.

Could be so maybe you do a Patreon, a pay to play or something. I don't know. Maybe people would want to, are we robbing the people of something and it's nice to make money. I guess it is. But you just got to be in control of it. If they're filming and then they put out a two second clip of you saying, you know, after this and screw the that, then you're screwed.

But if you got your own editing and your people behind it, that could really be something hot. Yeah, Chuck. Sometimes when you talk, the thing doesn't blink. Oh, God, you scared me. Jesus. All right. Well, that's the way you're going to be there.

Sloppy. Jalopy. Fuck. I don't know. Hold on. I don't have my calendar. This comes out in a couple of weeks. Oh, August 6th and 7th, Fort Worth, Hyenas, that's in August.

And then September. Oh, here's my book. September. It gets a little crazy. I got Philadelphia. Helium. Oh, another row of that. Fatty.

Hold on. Let me see. Let me see. I'm getting out the book. I got a big book in the meantime. I'm talking P. T. Anderson and PTA. That's something. Fort Worth, August 6th and 7th, Philly, Helium, September 23rd, 24th, 25th.

Then Comedy Castle out in Michigan. Oh, September 30th through October 2nd. Bananas in wherever that is in New Jersey. Hasbro Heights. But didn't it move? Or is it still there? It's there again. That's October 8th and 9th.

And then, I don't know if this has been announced yet, but Portland, Helium. November 11th through 13th in Chicago. Zany's November 18th through 20th. Man, what am I all time faves? Back to back weeks. Great clubs. Portland, Chicago, Detroit, Helium all coming up. Oh, you're rolling.

And then in December, Laugh It Up, Poughkeepsie. And check out the other podcasts and join the Patreon. Tons of hot gay sets. Another one on the works, in the works. Something I asked. You got that right, yeah. Chuck came up to Poughkeeps. We got it all on tape.

And he's always cooking something up in the lab. I canceled Syracuse. I got another gig. But I'll be in Toledo at the Funny Bone. Houston, improv. Philly, Helium. Buffalo, Helium. Dayton, Funny Bone.

Appleton and Skyline. Or wait, Skyline and Appleton. Arlington, improv. Brea, California. Albany, West Palm Beach. Comedy Connection Improvenance. Madison, Comedy Club on State. Zany's in Nashville.

And Rochester. Hey. Richmond, Helium in Portland. All kinds of stuff. Laugh Boston around November. So yeah. Hot shows. Me and Sam have a pod.

If you want to check that out. Patron is cooking. Telefriend. Come see us live. We're going to do a live up. I think it's Souljoles in August. Yeah, I got to see that out. We'll take that one out.

That might be tricky. Oh boy. Maybe cancel that. Got some big stuff happening. Woo. Things are in motion. The wheels are turning. I'm gay.

We'll see you in hell. Praise Allah. Got it.