Tuesdays with Stories! - #408 Last Second Scoop

Episode Date: July 6, 2021

We're back for another week as Mark deals with a rowdy crowd while trying to tape a set before a Hennessy filled beach trip whileJoe's trip to get a weird mole checked out takes them down memory lane. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays), Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), & Native (nativedeo.com/stories or use code: stories) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey, are we ready? Hey, everybody. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Happy Fourth of July.

What's the date? We're pre-recording here. Is it Fourth of July today or tomorrow? It's America's Independence or the Mexican Alamo. What is that? What are we celebrating there? Uncle Sam. Who is Uncle Sam?

What is that? He's an old white guy with a star-spangled suit. And I think he takes your tax money and hates immigrants. I know, but what is the origin story? Did he get hit by lightning? Is that a real guy? Or did they just create him for the posters to get people to sign up for bloodbath?

That's a good point. I think he was back when they didn't have superheroes. He was like Captain America almost. He came in there with a white beard, and he said, get out of here, you brown weirdo, and kick people out or something. And he had the dandy lion hat or a dandy... The dandy lion hat.

Thank you, Doodle. Dandy. I knew dandy, and then I said dandy, and then lion came up. What is a Yankee Doodle? I don't know. A Yankee's someone from the northeast. Yes.

Or just the north? And a Doodle is a type of chip. A Yankee Doodle. A cheese Doodle. A dandy. And a dandy is a homosexual, I believe. Yes. Yeah, a bit of a pansy.

So that's how it... That's what it came to me, and of course. But I think in those old... You know those old political drawings? It shows like, hey, get out of here there, Asian guy. Build that railroad. And it's Uncle Sam, you know, yelling at a stereotypically cliche Asian like, oh.

The triangle hat. Yes, yes. But yeah, I think it started, though, with World War I or II, the I Want You, right? It was a recruiter. Oh, the recruiting. I think that's the way it started, and then it just came to mean America in general.

Yeah, that's not bad. The government. Yeah. But if he's the uncle, who's the father? Is that George Washington, the father of our country? He's the father. And then there's Uncle Tom, which apparently is a brum in the black community.

And what's Martha? Is she the mother? Martha. Washington. And then Stuart. Yeah, yeah. I don't know Martha. I don't think she is.

I guess she is the mom, but nobody talks about her. Yeah. And then there's Martha's Vineyard named after Martha. Is that right? Washington. I believe that. I believe so. Okay.

Well, then there's also Mother Earth. So the women get the earth. And father time. Aha. By the way, I feel like we should flop that. Women are the ones worried about time. They're like, hey, I'm actually, I'm 35. Trust me, my tits are fake or whatever.

They're always trying to get back their youth. Well, I think earth is a mother because it gives birth. The grass is growing out like a big bush over a cunt. I think it's a lot of the trees, the river. It's a lot of like a wet pussy. Yeah. The swamp lands, the wet lands, the wet back. Yeah.

You got something there. And women should be timed too because they run out of ink and oil down there. You got menopausal. That's right. The clock is ticking. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Women are dead. They're time and earth. Is that all of them? That's the mother ship. Mother ship. There's a lot of mother. Like, whenever they talk about the country, it's always a woman. Yes.

Well, I know I'm free. What's that? Proud to be in America. She's a beauty. Yes. America, the beautiful cars, boats. It's always women. Jenny.

Yes. It's always a woman. America's a woman. Earth is a woman. The car is a woman. They get off the boat first. Women and children first. Yes.

You got it easier, lady. It's enough already complaining about everything. Ladies night. We open the door for you. Yep. You get a, you live longer, for Christ's sake. You get lower insurance. You get a variety of shoes.

I mean, look at this. I got sneakers because I got a bad pair of tits. But I mean, you got high heels, flip-flops, sandals, sneakers, boots. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, you can wear pants, dress. See, they used to have nothing.

And then I think we over-corrected and gave them everything. Plus they can vote now, which is nice. You got a smaller brain. You don't have to worry about carrying a brain around. You got a nice little one in there. True. You get to have fun hair.

You can go long, short, wacky, sideways, braids, pigtail, ponytail, rat tail. And I always said, in a relationship, you have an advantage because you can mix it up. You can have your tits. You can have, you can go cleavage. You can go dress. You can go heel.

You can go makeup. You can go different makeup, dark makeup, black face. You can go short hair, long hair. Like you said, the cornrows, the braids. Yeah. I got nothing. Look at this. I got this hair.

And I can take my glasses off, I guess, but I can't see shit. I can wear shorts or pants. I got no options here. No options. I mean, you could wear a bell bottom or a tutu or a top hat, I guess. But come on, we're living in a society. But here's the clicker.

Do you? I wouldn't want all that option. I like going easy, breezy, Japanese. Well, I don't want the option. I'm saying it would be nice if while my wife is making dinner, I sneak into the bedroom and then go, hey, I get her attention. Hey, little lady. And she turns and I got a pair of thigh high fish nets and a

big boost the A and some red lipstick and she goes, oh my God, I got to put the dishes down and eat you out. Yes. Because that's what she can do for me. She never does. But I'm saying she got lingerie. You got options. You can just completely change your look and be a hot like you

could put on a choker and heavy eyeshadows and shave your head. Yes. And we're still into it. Yeah. You're on the beach wearing basically pants, the loons and braziers and looking hot and spicy. And then the guy looks like, you know, Uncle Joey over here. He's flabby.

He's nothing. You got you got options and you're physically attractive. Plus you can blow a guy. You can take it in the asshole. You can take it in the pussy hole. Oh, there you go. Well, we have three. We only got two.

You can have my asshole or you can have my mouth. But they don't have anything to put in my mouth other than a pussy. But that's not like a good to the throat. But yeah, you got a point there. And they they are fucked in the gay world. I mean, I feel like a homo can go pound the buttocks and they can blow and they can 69. But a lady and a lady.

First of all, her scissoring is a myth myth. That's what I heard. I mean, a myth. Yeah, it's a big myth. They don't do it. You're saying. Yeah. Yeah.

No one does the scissoring. It's a it's something. A bunch of straight dudes made up. But I've seen it on television. Well, I've seen a dragon on television or drag queen. But either way, I've heard the scissoring is no dice and no dick. I heard they they cuddle. They eat each other out.

There's a little finger action and they watch Bridget Jones diary and cry. Well, in a strap on a double sided dildo. Yeah. I don't know how often that's getting I know a few lesbos in there. They say they fuck the first week. They get married and they never touch each other. Interesting. Well, that's just typical marriage.

No, that's the cliche of marriage. I got to say, I'm quite sexually active in my marriage. 10 years today. We've been together. But how you're initiating. Oh, hey, congratulations. That's whatever. But how you're initiating the pounding.

How many times is Sarah going? Hey, hey, toothless. What do you think? There's small mouth. Well, almost never. But it's possible because I'm just beating her to the punch. It's hard to initiate when I've already been like, what do we fuck? You want to fuck now?

You want to fuck now? I mean, I believe you're beating her. But I do think that the ladies, if it's two gals, it's almost like bad, the magnets where they're kind of like not. It takes a little effort to push them together. Right. They're not as sexually driven as us. I mean, I've said it before.

I don't know any women that pretends to shit at a party and jerks off. Yeah. I do that at every party. I do that at my niece's birthday. Sure. Or you go the wrong way just to follow a gal with a fat boostie or fat rump. Oh, absolutely. We weren't even supposed to record today.

I was following a six foot woman in a pair of shorts. There you go. Ended up right here. You can't help it. Yeah. I mean, it's a problem. Look at this. What?

Oh, man, it looks like the market of these. There you go. Anyways. All right. I don't think they're going to give it two shakes about the leg indentation. But hey, it's fun. It's something I don't know. Is this your comb or is this the cat comb?

That's the cat comb. Cat combs. That's something. Isn't that New Orleans? Yeah. No, it's in Perry. Well, same thing. Isn't it French?

The cat's dead over here. Come on, you fat cuckoo. He's a pillhead. He can't get through the day. Yeah, he said. Yeah. Well, they say dogs, which that is not one. They take on the personality of the owners.

So I don't know that happens with cats. But if so, you guys got to get up and Adam out of the house. This house is depressing, I guess, but makes you wonder about Hitler's dog. You know that he's lying in, you know, get a little mustache, little doggy stash and hate the heaps. That's a good point. That could be something. Well, Norm's got a whole thing on it.

Oh, does he? There's a lot about Hitler. You got to really come with a fresh angle on Hitler these days. I mean, Hitler is a baby. We've heard a time machine go back and kill Hitler. I mean, I know three guys with that joke. Yeah, that's tough. But hey, Hitler, he's, you know, I'm his biggest fan.

But let me tell you about some stuff I've been cooking here. I can't wait. I'm excited. It's nice to see you. Yeah, you too. So, uh, boy, I've been all over the, all over the God's green earth here. First of all, I did Levity Live. Upstate New York, baby.

Westniac, Rockland County, and it's about 37 minutes outside of Queens, which is just a goddamn treat. Cause this is a proper comedy club. I was talking to the guy, why don't more guys go up there? What do you mean? You know, you could sell it out. If you're like a Michael Che or a David Tell, like I would just pop up there like, Hey, I'm doing, I want to be at Levity Live two nights, sell it out,

go work on your act, bring the notebook. That's a good question. I guess good question, Aguato. Thank you. That's a good question. I don't know. I think some of them, they don't feel like it. I know, but they'll fly to Phoenix or Denver or San Fran.

Yeah, some of these markets are overlooked. They're close by and they think, Hey, you can come to the city. I'm at City Winery. Why don't you take the ride down? You want me to ride up there? I think that might be the attitude, but I love to work there. By the way, they never booked me, but really I'll tell them that they're looking for guys.

I mean, they're saying it's all women. So they need a man. Oh, wow. Don't we all see you went up there. A little niac action. Can I give you a little weird nugget? Yeah. Love nuggets.

All right. Well, here's a chicken mick at the end of the weekend. We all got our checks, which I can't find mine, but that's neither here nor anal. Yeah, it sucks. I know. I'll figure it out. You ever think about just depositing it right in front of them on the phone? I usually do it on the ride.

Oh, what's the policy on that? I did Poughkeepsie and they were like, give us a week. I did plenty of venues that say that. Yeah. I always want to just hand you the check. You might as well just scan it right there and then just shove it in your ass. You go, there you go.

Exactly. Yeah. Put your money where your mouth is. So I get the check. We get our check. We all open them in the car. It's fun. You go, what do we make?

You got a host, a feature headliner. I'm in the back. I got a nice little cut there. I throw it in the dumpster. Then Sean Murphy, killer feature, by the way, you got to look this guy up. I don't know if he's got anything on YouTube or offended. What do you call it? Sex offender registered.

I don't know if he's got anything online, but killer comic, great hang. Great guy. I love that kid. He's Buffalo too, right? Buffalo cat. A lot of Buffalo, great Buffalo. Yeah. Good people come out of the buff.

Yeah. Well, I think it's very humbling society up there. It's cold. It's blue collar. It's racist. It sucks. Yeah. Yeah.

Shit town. They got the hockey and the bad footwear. The wings. The hockey team stinks too. Ah, don't feel it. It stinks bad. All right. Well, Dallas barbecue.

No, dinosaur barbecue. Dinosaur, yes. Dinosaur Junior. I call it the good Syracuse. But either way. Definitely better than Syracuse. Oh, God. I mean, Qatar or whatever you call it, Darfur is better than Syracuse.

Oh, Darfur. Yeah, not Dar3. So we go up there. We get the checks. We're driving home. Just those great rides with the comic shit talking, shooting the anal. And Sean gets a standard feature check. OK, you know, same old.

And then the host opens his. It's more than the feature. Whoa, old school. Well, he's like, well, what's that? And he goes back. This must be something wrong there. And the guy's like, no, no. We pay the host more because nobody wants to come here.

Interesting. So because it's in this weird area and no one will go up there, they're like giving hosts more money. So they don't have a scene up there because now every fucking town has a scene. It's obscene. I mean, you go to I can't even name a city. Suck my tits. Iowa.

Oh, big scene. 48 guys over there. It's crazy. And then I go to Silly Pubes, Michigan, and they got a scene there. Yeah. Yeah. Good club at Silly Pubes. It's a little hairy, but yeah.

No, no, you're right. Everyone's going to see but no Rockling because it's so close. If you live up there, you might as well get on a bus and high, high tail it down to the Big Apple at least. Yeah. Interesting. Well, that's that's how it used to be as the MC got more money because they had to be and if you think about it, they should get more money.

Like in the city, the MC gets the most money, right? Because you got to keep track. You got a time and then really it should be a stronger comic as an MC because they're going up dead cold. It's it's a little fucked up by they do it because you have the weakest, shittiest piece of shit, stink, talentless comic. MCing. He's the backbone of the show.

And so then the crowd goes, this sucks. Like right out of the gate, they're like, well, this is awful. What a bummer. And then the feature comes up and kicks ass. But you should have, you know, Johnny pajama pants kicking ass on the MC circuit. Me too. But that makes sense. Either way, you're right.

And that's how they do it in Canada. In old Canada. They put the killer as the host, which makes sense because the he's going up the most. So you're going to see him the most true patriots love. Yes, that might have been okay. That wasn't bad. Every once in a while I sing and I'm like, am I good at singing?

Yeah, it sounds like the guy at the game. You should try it. Maybe I will. I sang the national anthem when I was a camp counselor. I did a talent show. I mean, I wasn't asked to. I don't get me wrong. I wasn't hired.

Oh, but I was a camp counselor. I got fired for a variety of reasons. Yeah, what can you do? Yeah, the kids are cute. But we had a it was completely improvised impromptu because what happened was I was a camp counselor for several years in my hometown and then we had a talent show to end the camp and I was like, I'll go out and get it started like as an mc and all the kids were nervous and shit in their

pants and crying. Yeah, so I said, well, I'll go out and I'll break the ice and I went out and I sang the national anthem and I don't know what get into me and I think I kind of offended some people because I'm like Roseanne. I was spitting and grabbing my dick for the kids. Sure, sure. And then I finished and it was like a smattering of applause and I came back and but I think I did the kid a favor because he didn't have to go first.

Hey, you hosted. I got the best money. There you go. Wow. Do you know the whole lyrics? Well, I'm a big sports fan. I see. It's funny because sometimes I'll meet people that don't know the lyrics to

the national anthem and I'm like, how do you not know the lyrics to the national anthem? And I realized I only do because I watch sports. Yeah, you've seen it 8000 times. Yeah, a million times in Canada too. I'm surprised you don't go hit the John or make a nacho during the anthem. Well, I do now, but growing up, you did and it's in the background. So you just kind of get it in there subconsciously.

Yeah, I still don't know what a rampart is. These ramparts are ablaze and look at all the gays or whatever it is. No, me either. I heard an interesting anecdote about the national anthem if you want to hear. Oh, put it in my ass. Well, I guess everyone, people that sing at professional singers, they get really nervous about the and the home because it's a it's a high note right right, but then someone else came out.

This psychologist or other thing has said you've actually already hit the note earlier in a different part of the song. I forget the exact parts which would make it for a better anecdote sure, but they've already hit it earlier, but it's not this intimidating thing. So they don't realize and it's like a metaphor for life. It is. You've already done the hard. Exactly.

Yes. My shorts are a real problem. I'm sorry. A lot of thigh. I mean, it's insane. That's a rampart, but you're going to say something about Canada. Oh, that's how they host in Canada. They had the killer goes up first.

Wow. Is it been jows them? Sure. What is the wow? Is it a while and hold on. Wow and pow. Oh, my eye. Oh, sorry.

That was weird. They got the glasses. It was a spray fire. I went to the beach the other day. I think I got some sand in there. I think I felt a starfish. Which beach? Long.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. The pause was long. Sorry. It was pregnant. Menopause. So yeah. Levity live.

Great weekend now. Here's the clinker. Did I say that yet? No, I don't think so. So I'm doing this big shoot that I haven't divulged. They won't let me divulge. Don't touch my knee. I was close.

It's like the scene in Mission Impossible where he falls from the ceiling. Oh, yeah. That was big. That was big. So remember the drop? Oh, he catches his hand. That was pretty fun, that first Mission Impossible.

Man, I saw that in the theater. That was lunch. It was a bit confusing. It was high heavy duty, but Ving Reims and the hot French cunt. Estevez. Yeah. He dies.

Remember that was a big surprise. And what's his face? John Voight's car was all over the road there. He's the bad guy. Spoiler alert. So you got a big thing. You can't say. You can't say.

It's in August. Get your tickets. If you want to come, we want to get some gays out there. We really want to bring this puppy home. I want to come. Please. Yeah. Put it on my face.

So they go, well, we need a tape. You know, they got to see what you're doing. And I email them back and me like, what is this? I've got a censoring thing. Are you going to tell me what I can and can't say? Like, no, no. We just have to make sure you're not doing a lot of brand

named legals. What do you call it? Practices. Standards and practices. S&P. Thank you. S&P. So don't double pilot.

So I go, all right, you got it. So I call a friend because I don't have a lot of film anything. So I call a friend. He's like, well, I'll come out and shoot you and we'll make some videos and make a day out of it. OK. Great.

And then the gay pride parade was the next day. So he's like, I'm going to come out, shoot you. Can I crash on your couch? And I'll go and beat Salicus and shoot some pride. Dildos and whatnot. Hate a couch crash. You know, you get home at 1.32. You go to bed at 3.

I woke up. He was gone. It was pretty perfect. He's a good egg. He's quick. He's low maintenance. All right. So two shows Saturday.

We sold some tickets. It's a hard market. It's in a mall. It's in the middle of nowhere. Sold some tickets. Fine. It was full. Not so low.

That's why they don't go. What's that? Maybe that's why they don't go. What? You're saying people don't go up there. Ah, because it's a tough market. I know, but you'd think the locals would come out. Yeah, you'd think that.

Yeah, it's in a mall. Mall is tough. Mall is bad. There's nothing creative about a mall. I know. It's just Fridays and chilies and there's bowling and laser tag. It's tight.

It's a yard house. Who's getting drunk in a mall? Nobody's ever been like, I want to really consume some good thoughtful art. Let's go down to the mall. Yes. That makes sense because the people there were idiots. There was a lot of tards out in the audience.

By the way, we talked about this before real quick. The movie Cocktail, which is a shitty movie that I love. Same. They talk about this big thing was we're going to have you'll find a corner bar in every American mall and it happened. It was ridiculous then. There was no bars at all in malls. No mall bar.

Now they have like actual like a brewery Irish pub in a mall. Yes. Yes. I've seen them cocktail ahead of its time. I guess. But bad ahead. I got that last night. But so first show.

I go, all right, we'll try to get this tape for you know who and send it in heckle fast. I mean left, right, center, up, down, black as white days. Night. The whole thing stunk. And so we're like, well, literally 14 minutes of that was going, hey, shut the fuck up. You killed it.

Get, get, get rid of this guy. This is out of hand. Like all that shit. So we couldn't, you lose all the material. So and then you know, I always do a meet and greet. I always shake hands. It was one of those ones I ran off stage. I was like, I'm going to the green room and pouting.

So we didn't get the thing. We didn't get the tape. Whatever we got a second show. Hey, we actually sold more tickets for the second show. This will be the one. It's always fun at the end. Now the host is on and he's doing well. I'm like, okay, okay, we're back.

And then the feature Sean Murphy goes, this is the best one yet. I go, yes, it's all locking in. Do you find it to be a curse sometimes? A little bit of a curse. All right. So then he goes up and he's, he's a killer. He's a beast.

So I know he's ripping it and I can tell he's a little on edge. So I'm like, oh, what's going on? And at one point I've been working with this guy for years. Sweetest guy, nicest guy. Snaps. Whoa. Shut the fuck up. What is wrong?

You guys been talking the whole fucking time. Your phone is on. Your light is on. You guys won't shut up. You calling shit out. You're heckling. You're yapping. You're cackling.

And then he's going, he's doing this one. Hey, hey, hey, I'm talking to you. They weren't even, they didn't even know he was talking to them. Oh God. That's not how to lunch they were. And I've never, and me and the host were in the back like, Oh Sean Murphy. It was like dad had a sleepover like,

Hey, I got work in the morning. You can't shut the fuck up. It was that kind of energy. It was bananas. I'll show you. I've got it on tape. Oh boy. Yeah.

Maybe we should put all the patron barring his, his okaying. Oh, we throw him a few bucks. He could use the money and 12 bucks at night. Perfect. So I'm like, whoa. It was one of those things where I didn't notice he was getting fucked with because I was so far away,

but he was on stage dealing with it. Right. Those weird ones. You just see him go from here to here and I'm like, Oh my God. And he goes, what markets up here? You better shut the fuck up. And I was like, okay, they're going to kick them out.

Like he was, I've never seen him this angry. And it always hits you right in the heart when they, when they go like, when the headliner comes up, you can do this shit with me, but you don't do that. That's kind of nice. It's very sweet. It's sweet. So that was nice when I met the world.

And so I was like, all right. He yelled at them. This will probably be fine. But he goes, I'm going to do one more joke. Could you just keep it down for one joke? Gee, this sounds awful. It was horrible. Why no one comes up there?

I know. So then he goes, he goes into his next joke and literally like three lines and he's like, I knew you wouldn't look. I knew it. And he just starts flipping out again. And then he's like, I'm done. I'm out of here and he leaves. Jesus Christ.

Now is there security? Do they think about throwing them out? Are they, are they hard up for cash? What's going on? Well, I feel bad saying some of this because we had a long talk with the manager after and I had it out a little bit. But I was like, all right. He yelled at him.

Then the host went up and was like, hey, really you guys, you're going to get thrown out unless you cool it, whatever. So people went up and talked to him. It was fine. And they were a bunch of Guidoese, like a real meathead man with the tight shirt and the chest hair and the doubloons or whatever, the medallions or, you know, he's got the gold necklaces.

Oh, yes. And then the, you know, the bimbo Goddy whores there. So the host goes up and talks to him. Now this would have been the perfect time to throw him out because the host is up. He's killing time. It's, it's, it's a middle point. It's a buffer.

Sure. So then I go up and they're pretty good. I've got them. I've got them. It was one of those shows where like this side was insane, like too hot and this side was dead. Isn't that weird? Cause comedy is infectious.

Yes. So I do my whole thing. We're like, oh, I got a cocaine and Tylenol PM. I got a rock club and a book club. You know, I'm doing all that bullshit, whatever. And you always think that'll get them to be like, oh, we should laugh more, but they didn't right than the other side. But this table of queefs is right smack in the middle and

is like 12 of them. So I'm just going to get the tape and they're talking to you out there. One lady's going fax fax. I hate fax. I hate fax. There's two things. I hate fax and actually give you hear that.

That's the new thing. We talk about this. I talked about a different pod hit me. You say you give me like give me something that just happened to you recently. All right. The other day I slipped on some black guys. I cracked my head open actually.

Yes, instead of saying seriously or really say actually. Oh, that's no good. It doesn't make sense grammatically. It's these young whip a snap is a saying this shit. Does it's almost like when you go, can I get the bagel? They go, what happened? Yeah, that's what happened. What's the matters?

Another one times the movie. What's the matter? I'm like, why are you making it sound like I'm an asshole? I just asked what time we're meeting up. That's not the matter of it. And then the snap. This thing is the worst. I hate this thing.

Snap crackle pop. That is like the worst. I told you there was a famous woman that's like, how long have you been in comedy? I was like, oh, 20 years and she was like, I hope she gets in a bus wreck. Oh my God. Oh God snaps her neck.

I hate her. I still I think about it. It still makes me want to just punch myself in the tits. Pauling. I've never get hard again after the snapping. Enough with the snapping. All right, snapping turtle. So I'm doing OK.

But they're just chatting. They're yapping. They're yelling facts. They're yelling preach, preach. Oh, which I'm like, I'm doing a joke about tits. You say preach. What are you talking about? Oh, this table is the worst, but they're with me.

But they're the worst. And then the lady's going because the menu now is on the phone. Oh, you know, the code read the code. It's horrible because it's an impossibility to look at your phone without checking your other stuff. Once you have the phone, you're like, let me check my asshole here.

Exactly. I'm guilty of it too. We all do it. You go, what's the weather day? Oh, you know, 69ing, you know, or whatever it is. Even in that act up, my text popped up and I was like, oh, look at that. There you go.

Yeah. So the phone and the, for some reason, the phone has got to be on, you know, prison break spotlight level brightness. I don't understand these people who aren't mindful of their light volume and, first of all, these people that will walk around in public. With the ringer on. Oh, it's a break.

So we have never been on ever unless I'm someone's picking me up. That's the only this case where I'm like, they're like, I'm going to text you when I'm outside. Then my ringer's on full volume. Make sure I don't miss it because I'm considered about the person outside and traffic. Exactly.

But other than that, these people in the mall, you just go, I'm like, you're walking in the mall. I know with your phone on. It's unreal. What are you doing? I don't get it when I hear somebody's phone go off in public. I'm like, you're a psychopath that I don't want to be

associated with. Yeah. And at least you see the guy at the funeral. It's like, and he's like, oh, Jesus. He's doing the shit. He's like, I'm sorry. I forgot. All right.

I get it. I think that was Ghostbusters. Did a little did it did it did a little did it. Ghostbusters. Oh, you got a call. I hope not that guy. Yeah, his ringer's on. But you better call a doctor.

You know, hey, love doctor. Either way, the the tables bananas. So at some point I'm trying to get this tape. This is my last shot and I got to get the tape or else I would have just gone. Yeah, get get him out like an old up. I want to kick dirt on their heels and go get the fuck and get these people out of here.

But side note. I hate the tape. Fuck the tape. Don't let me do my act. You know my act. I've been in comedy for 48 years. You hired me. I know.

Just trust me. I'm going to show up. I'm going to do it and then we can fix anything in post. I completely agree. But you know how these corporate cunts are the CC. So it's a bath. Yeah. So CC in the sunshine factory.

But either way, the sunshine, isn't that a thing? Casey in the sunshine band. Oh, Casey, the sunshine factory is good though. I think I had it like that combined nine bands. Yeah. So whatever. Oh, CC Music Factory. Thank you.

There it is. Casey in the sunshine band CC in the music factory. You say that you're a good friend. Makes sense. Nobody would have put that together. They would have they would have shut me and told me I'm an idiot immediately. But you put it together.

I don't understand these pants and shorts where if you stand up, you look normal and you sit down and it looks like I'm Lance Armstrong. Yeah. All right. You tour to France like over there with that bulge. So either way, I'm I'm doing, you know, I've been doing 50 minutes all weekend or whatever.

I am barreling through this act just to get through it just to get all the shit on tape. And then at about 40 minutes, I can't take it anymore. I go, you guys are killing me. This is ridiculous. Shut the fuck up. And they're going, what the hell? And I call one lady a whore and she goes, woo, you got that

right or whatever. I'm like, God damn. So then eventually I finish and I look at my phone. I did 42. Ooh. So I've shortened it eight whole minutes. Plus I yelled at them and that's how fast I was going. And I remember sitting there on stay worth standing there

going, I'm going to chew out this manager. He should have thrown them out half an hour ago. Like this is crazy. And he came back there and I was like, ah, that was crazy. It's so hard. You have it always in your head the whole time that you're like, I'm going to say, I'm going to be like Earl Weaver. I'm going to spin my hat around, kick dirt on him and suck his

tits. And then he comes back and you just go, that was great. I hope to be back. I'll tell him my friends. Well, I went to the green when I was the first guy in there. So I'm throwing water bottles. I'm doing that shit like an old, you know, coach and he comes back in.

He goes, I'm sorry. He said sorry first. So I was like, all right, I was prepared to like battle with him, you know, like, what the hell was that? He's like, I should have thrown him out, but he had some good points. He's like, I knew about the tape. Then I thought if I threw them out, they weren't going to go

quietly. I mean, these table, this table has never been told no in their life. Sometimes you do have to do that. You're doing for the better of the team. It's another metaphor for life. Somebody's doing something, but then you realize they're doing it for a completely different reason.

Right. And, you know, we just misread it, misunderstood. And it is hard to throw a table 12, but it does make the situation worse, especially if you're getting laughs going shut your asshole, fuck your dad is getting some laughs. You go, well, he's handling it because if you kick 12 people out and then there's a hole in the whole thing and everyone gets weird and you show that side that you don't want to

show completely, completely. So we all had it out in the green room. We, all of us got together and talked about it like the feast feature of the host and the, the, the manager and we, we all made up and had ice cream and blew each other and all that, but man, that was ugly. So I sent the tape in today and they're going to have to watch me call a lady a whore and call them.

I call them a pack of tards at one point. I said, who raised you, your animals? Thank God they were white. Then you worry about losing the gig like they're going to watch this tape and be like, we were neg and we're going to get somebody else. I don't think about that and let me ask you this also. This is a little inside asshole, but please do you do?

It's a 30 minute situation. Yeah. Do you do the 30 up front or do you do 15 to get a warmed up and then do the 30? Uh, what do you do in the middle? I did the 30. Uh, I kind of broke it up, but I did like 20 of it up front and then mix and match.

I see. So just curious. That, that's the way they go. We can't do this Hulu joke or this Walmart joke, whatever the legal thing is, I can just whip, switch and swap. Right. That's why it's so nice to do this way. We did our last special shoot it and you go here is what

it is. Take it or leave it and they go, we'll leave it. Exactly. Yeah. I hate the, the fuddling width and it takes away art and blah, blah, blah, but yeah. So, oh, what do we got? Fuddling is not a good quality.

Well, we got a couple of things we got to talk about here. One of them is Raycon Tuesday's best story is brought to you by Raycon folks. I'm doing a lot of traveling this summer. In fact, I'm off the next couple of weeks. I'm going up to Booth Bay Harbor as always and then I'm going to Nantucket you're going to Martha's venue. We're going to be a couple of Islanders.

Yeah. Like the hockey team. Yeah. They lost. Uh, we're all getting out there this summer. So take your Raycons with you and you know, the traveling, the bus, the flight, however you're traveling, you're going to want to talk on the phone, listen to some music.

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You can't beat it. Smell good today. It's hot out there. Woo! All right. I've been hogging it. I had to get out that crazy coos who heckled me and the table of Guido's and Guineas and Wops.

But I think we got it out. No hog. Enjoyed the hog. Everyone loves a hog. I'm high on the hog. High on the hog. This is a motorcycle hog, hog heaven, hog heifers. All hog.

Hogs and what was that one? Were they dance? The biker bar? It was a hog pit. Remember that show? Hog pit. That was weird. I had my own show here in New York for a while.

You'd come by. A lot of people came by. It was really a hang. It was more of a hang. The show stunk, but it was open bar. I mean, that was out of control. I forgot about that. Woo!

A lot of, a lot of long nights there and long mornings. It was wild. But anyway, so we just talked about SPF. Did I talk about the dermatologist? No, I didn't know you were going to the Derm. I went to a Derm. Backy Derm. Never been to a Derm.

I got health insurance. I bought health insurance. I'm just paying for health. You got any health insurance? Nah, who needs it? I never needed it, never wanted it. But you know, we're doing very well. Thanks to the Patreon.

Keep joining the Patreon for God's sakes. We've gotten tons of stuff. There's a new hot gay sets coming out soon. This week and later this week. We're going to record a bonus after this. Tons and tons of bonus shit. It was already kick-ass, by the way. We got live shows.

We're going to set up another live show. We're coming to Royersford soon, I think. Oh yeah. And I got to figure out that date. Remind me, Joel, if you're watching message me, because August is a little busy. Got some big stuff coming up. Boy, we got some huge stuff coming up.

I know. We're rocking the rolling fatty. This is exciting. It's a great time. There's going to be a lot of behind the scenes stuff. But we got all the live episodes. There's going to be new live episodes coming up. Patreon is where it is at.

You're not getting the full Tuesday experience if you're not on the Patreon. You got that right. I mean, Chuck's on the ones and twos. He's magical. He's a wizard. He's putting stuff out there. We got curbs.

We got Seinfelds. We got gay sets. We got live apps. We got road just stuff on the road. It's all locking in. By the way, these comments there are so heartening. Thank you. And we got Chuck to edit them now.

Edit them, like, and not to show the negative. He sends me the positive ones only. I know. God bless you. Yeah. Because I know there's some people that really hate me. But what can you do? It's on you guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We do our part. You do yours. And we'll all die eventually. Hold on. You might want to get help.

Jeez. Just with these noises. I mean, I can feel it spraying. It's a very spray fart. I got you. I have a webbing back there. I wear like a fish net. It catches all the debris.

Let me see what this one sounds like. That's clean. See that? That's a clean, nice. I'm a squirter. Yeah. Yours is coming through a screen door. This is like.

Oh, yeah. Clean as my gun. Wow, man. It's a bit of a storm cloud in here now. Jeez, Louise. You know what it is? I had a ginger shot. I went to the cheap Asian place over here

and got a nice ginger. Is that me or you, though? I'm not sure. Well, we bought that Chipotle. So there's a Mexican vibe in the air. And we should have built a wall. Concierre. Or what's that called?

Senorita. Senorita? I think a Mexican girl turns 11 or something. Oh, oh, yeah. Consuela. What is that? Quinceanera. Yes, that's what it was.

Catorce. Yes, that's 14. Well, whatever. So anyways, I decided I bought health insurance. Oscar Health. I keep seeing the ad for the thing. Yeah. On the thing, on the subway.

It says Oscar. Uh-huh. You know about Oscar? I've seen the ad. Yeah. So I saw the ad. So I went in there and I said, give me the silver medallion package.

What do I know? Look at you just going for it. Well, there's like gold, which is like, I don't know, the doctor blows you for free or something. Then there's like, there's like brown, which is just like, if you take a shit, you can send it to him or something. Oh, wow.

I don't know. I started laughing right now. Can you just shit right on the door? I want to just leave it on the porch. I don't want to put it in a test tube. Oh, well, I don't know. What do I talk to a guy? Did we talk about this?

Quick bragging. You talk to a guy. I know a guy. He's huge. He's a huge guy. And he told me when he takes shits, he has to use a plastic butter knife to cut up his dump. So they won't go down.

So they will go down. They won't go down unless he cuts them up. Oh, wow. Man, that's a shitty knife. I mean, it's crazy. And by the way, Chris Allen sends me his dumps. And it's a weird shade. It's like orange.

I got to talk about trying to word it right. I got a maybe you can help me draft an email or black dumps different than white dumps. If not, he's got something wrong with them. Maybe they are and I've never looked it up. Are they cooler and they dance? It's got the pants are low. It was like an orange dump.

So I don't know what's going on with you. Dump. Oh, boy, it's tough because you're like commenting on the color here. Yes. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't. I should be, you know, whatever.

Anyways, Chris will talk, but please stop doing that. It looked like an orange banana and had seeds in it. What? I think he's a vegan or something. Maybe. So maybe that factors in Brian vegan sticker treat coming back. I got to hit the world with Brian vegan. Oh, yeah.

We were all ready for it. I'll let you know. All right. Well, anyways, I got health insurance, but now I'm just paying fucking 1200 bucks or 1500 bucks a month for health insurance, but I'm healthy. And so is my wife. So we're just sitting on it now.

I'm just wasting money. So I said, I got a couple of moles back here. I was worried about why you see him. No, I'm like, this is good. You get your money's worth. Yeah. So I went down to the dermatologist made an appointment. I made an appointment with a lady because it feels fun to

be a little nude. You know? Yeah. You're flexing the whole time in the appointment. Yeah. Why not be nude near a lady? So she was nice. I go up there, but I'm nerve.

I get anxious going to the doctor because I feel like Costanza. They're going to find something. They're going to find something. And so I'm all nervous. I go in there and I'm sitting there and I'm like shaking. I'm filling up the forums and it looks like, you know, Michael J. Fox.

I was going to say that, but then I wanted to mix it up, but I couldn't. How about Lee? Yeah. I thought of him too. Yeah. Jeez. Who else is shaky?

Who else is shaky? Shaky. Shaky gray. Shaker Heights. Macy Gray. Ah, she might be a little twerky. Yeah. Who's shakes?

Uh, Alabama shakes. Oh yeah. They're good. Yeah. Shake. Shack. They're really good. Great.

Great shakes. Well, I guess old people, uh, doesn't matter. Anyways, I'm shaking. The paper's all nerve wracking. I sit there and they're always 20 minutes late for some reason. They call me in and then the nurse, the hands you the little like smock. The smock thing. It's paper.

Live long and she wasn't, uh, too friendly. She's like, just put this on. This goes in the back, get naked, down to your underwear, put that on. Wow. And so I'm nervous, but this part of me, that's only a little sexual, a little turned on. I don't know if it's because I've been married for 78 years, but this woman saying, take your clothes off, take everything off, put them in a pile and put this on. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm kind of like, all right. I mean, she's an inch away from calling you a twink and smacking your sack. I mean, that's what I want. We talked about it last night. I mean, last episode. Yeah. Yeah.

So I put it on and then I'm just nervous. Chilly in there. You're sitting and you can always hear the doctor moving about outside. Yes. And I hear her be like, did you ask him that the thing? She's like, he's right outside the door and I'm starting to get all this anxiety. I'm wearing a paper smock and all I can think is like, you know, I got Irish heritage. I'm in the sun.

I don't wear sunblock. I got these moles. I can see them and they're like, is it itch? I'm Googling. Yeah. If it hits you, it's bad. If it's bloody, there's all these anagrams or anomalies. What's the thing?

NASA, NASA, Ray radiation. No. What's what's NASA and AIDS travel? And a SA national air and space synonymous. Oh, what do you call that an acronym? Acronyne acronym. Yes. Acronyne, Ohio.

Yes. Acrobat. So I'm like this one that's like if it's not round, if it's black, if it's whatever round black like Chris Allen. So I'm if it's itchy, it's bad and I'm like, is it it? I'm freaking out. The lady comes in and it's she's so gentle. She's like, hold your arm out.

And she's like holding the end of my middle finger. Just looking at something. It's like ASMR. There's something so sensual about a woman holding your hand and like your arm. Yeah. You could feel her eyes on you. It's quite tingly. I'm getting all tingling.

Interesting. When you it's like when someone just pays attention to you, it's so delightful. Right. You know what I find is when and I don't like wearing makeup, but you do a shoot and you you get the makeup lady and she's like, yes, that's what I mean. You're like, oh, this is so relaxing. You get why women do it. It's pampering.

It's relaxing. It's soothing. That's ASMR. That's what ASMR is. It's like I forget what it stands for. It's an acronym. Aha, anal sucking mother's retard. I don't know.

Wow. That's a hell of a program, but I'm I'm not sure what it is, but it's that like peculiar or sensitive attention from another person is so nice. Like if someone's just touching you slowly looking at your feet, but she's looking at my hoof, the bottom of my feet, the whole thing, but then she comes around. She's like, that's normal. That's nothing, but then I can feel her heading to the back and I'm like,

this is the danger zone. This is going to be bad and she's like, oh, what do we got here? And I hear like a like a light switch on and I'm like just trembling. I'm like, I can feel her back there and I can't see her face. I'm trying to glance. I got a spoon because I'm trying to look at her back there and I can just hear her talk to the nurse and she's like, make note of this. We got a Aquamis, a three millimeter Aquamis and I'm like, just hit me with

it. I came all this way. Am I dying? What is it? Am I going to have AIDS cancer? She's like, oh, and then she's like circles it and then she's like, we'll get a photo of this. It's a Qantas Qantas Airlines and she checks his other one. She's like, oh boy.

Yep. Okay. Here we are. And I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, how bad is it? Hit me with it. And she said this one. She's like, this one's fine.

That's nothing, which I love a nothing. I love another. This is good. That's good. Don't worry about that. Yes. This is a nothing. She's like, this one, that's an irregular mole.

Oh God, irregular. And she goes, but I'm not too worried about it. If we wanted, we could take it out. We could scoop it out right now and a scoop scoop. Scoop doesn't sound good to me, but you got to get it over with scoop it and run. Well, she said, if you get it scooped, you can't go in the water for two weeks. So she goes, I think you should come back in four months. We'll check to see if it's changed by then.

Well, that's what I'm worried about. But she said four months, you don't want to do it now. Plus I'm not prepared. I need to prepare. You got to prepare. I'm not a last second scoop guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Can I say I've had a lance. I've had a mole. I'm strong. Yeah. Yeah. I got one ball. What happened? What is it?

A mole on my scalp. Big mole, like a size of a dime. Oh, and so my dad was kind of go, hey, rusty and do one of these. And he was like, what the hell's this? I was like, I got a mole up there. And he's like, he's like, looking at it. He's like, this is bad. This mole is black.

Black hole sun, black mole sun. So, oh, that's what I was. I was a black mole. His son. Have fun. Nice. Making a mountain out of this mole. But he took me in and they were like, oh, this has got to go.

And I was probably like 15. They shaved a circle in my head. I looked like a douche for 10 weeks. And then they went sliced it. They froze it and then right. That's what they do. Yeah. Yeah.

It sucked and bled. That's a scoop. So they sent it to a lab and tell you what happened. Yeah, they said it wasn't malignant, but it could have been later. So you got it good. You got rid of it. That's what she said.

She said, well, we'll keep an eye on it. We'll check it again. But she goes, if it does change, it will be melanoma. So I was like, Jesus Christ. So I'm like, I got the seedlings of a melanoma here. So she's like, yeah, you got to come regularly. She's like, well, every six months, once a year, come in. But she said, she's like, you got a 99.

You're great. You look good. We'll come back in October if you want. We can take it. You'll never have to worry about it again. We'll send it to a lab. They'll tell us it's irregular and melanoma-y. So I was in there for four minutes total.

$50 copay, which I've never knew what a copay was. They said, copay is $50. So $50. And I left there feeling high. When you go and do a thing and you leave, you feel like, woo, it's nice. So I got a little double mole weird thing. This one's fine.

They got to keep an eye. But maybe I'll go back in October. They'll zip it off. All right. And then I was up in the Upper East because that's where the doctors live. Went for a walk in the park. Felt like $100.

Made some phone calls. And I'm free as a bird. And she didn't check in my ball bag. I know a lot of weird stuff down there. Well, that's next. Yeah, I'll do that in October. So you're going to do it October? I'm going to go back there, have her take a look at it again

and maybe slice it off, I guess. But that's what they said. They freeze it and they sliver it off. I mean, I wonder if we get chuck in there, film the whole procedure. Yeah, not going to let us film. But maybe I'll do before and after or something. I don't know.

We'll do party after. You come out and go, woo. I'll dress as a mole. I like it. Well, it was fun though, but I feel good. So now like what other doctor should I see? Change, save some money, but I'm afraid. Are you afraid to get test?

I'm afraid to get cholesterol and blood pressure. I'm afraid they're going to like you got to cut out, you know, butter and anal. You know what I mean? But better to know better to get it out early. What if you'd never gone in and you had this mole for 68 years and one day you're croaked. But I'm more comfortable with that.

My parents have high blood pressure and cholesterol, but here's what I'm thinking. I'm 39. Just turn 39. 40 is when you start worrying. Maybe I'll go when I'm 40. OK, OK. The prostate kicks in.

Or is that 50? I don't know. I think they want you to do it at 40 now too. But here's what I forget. You know, I forget because I'm always in my head of like, I'm a piece of shit. I ate McDonald's twice last week. I don't do this, but I got to remember.

I don't drink. I never smoked. Don't do drugs. I don't eat within three, four hours of bed. I exercise every day. I got a good social life. I meditate. My father's gay.

You're outdoors a lot. You're the most people. I agree. And I had a personal trainer. You know what the best exercise of all time is? Take a gander. Walking? Yes, walking.

I said walking. Get out of here. It's nothing. It's low impact. You're moving. Your every party is kind of moving. Your brain is going. Your, what do you call it?

Scanning. Balance. Thank you. And he's like walking. All we do is walk. Well, we walk the most all the time. At least 10,000, 15,000 steps. At least walk this way.

We're pretty fit. We're not eating a lot of fries and shit. Nah. I'll have some ice cream twice a week. Yeah, fries, ice cream. I eat quite a bit of ice cream, but not crazy. I quit soda. Yeah, good for you.

Quit and sodas. That's a game changer, Fatty. That was big. So I think we're going to be fine. Yeah, I'm feeling. I'll pound a couple of cocktails every two days. But yeah, you know, you got to have a vice. But here and there.

I mean, it's not like you're day drinking and all that. No, no. Well, yesterday I went to the beach and we really put him back. That's a Sunday. I mean, I haven't seen you drinking fucking nine years. Okay, okay. I got 25 people writing to me like, you got to get Mark into rehab.

And I'm like, he's not a drug addict. It's driving me crazy. Appreciate it. They're like, go to rehab. Get him to rehab. I'm like, he took a pill. He's not a addict. He's a moron.

Yes, I flushed him. No, it was a one time thing. I tried it. I didn't know what it was. It's fentanyl. I'm addicted. But it's all over. You maybe need rehab for content.

That might be something you need rehab for. Too much content. Maybe a week off from the tweet. Oh, that's not bad. That's your only problem. All right. All right. This is not your problem.

That's talking to you and the audience. You hear that, dad? All right. Here's what you need. You need to know you're enough. Oh, I've said it before. I've said it again. I'm saying it to the people at home.

You're worthy of love. You don't have to do anything. Accomplish anything. All right. You're a great person. You're doing great. This is getting kooky. And I love you.

All right. Well, I think we got to wrap this thing up. Don't take illicit drugs for God's sake. No, no drugs. He doesn't need rehab. Look at him. Look at him. He's 0% body fat.

He's at every show. He's working. He's succeeding. Yeah, it was an accident. I got 11 emails. He's a moron. He's not an addict. I wanted to go to sleep.

I thought it was a Xanax. I don't know what was going on. He's very dumb. But he's a good person. Everybody relaxed. Thank you. Take some Benadryl if you need it. Or call me for God's sake.

I don't want to bother anybody. Call me on the phone. All right. Call me whenever you want. I think that's the lyrics. Either way. You're loved. You're worthy of love.

I found this gay. Tell my parents to tell me that. He touched your head. Yeah, that was weird. I'm jealous over here. Yeah, it was the one time when he found a cancerous tumor. That's amazing. That's kismet.

That's God. Maybe. My dad is odd because he doesn't show a lot of love. He doesn't hug. But he puts all of his love into fixing stuff. He's like, your teeth are fucked. We're going to the orthodontist. And I'm like, oh, and I took it as love.

So I was like, I'm getting my ass kicked in there with the rubber bands and the guy's got his elbow in my mouth. But I'm like, dad, hey, look, we're doing it. Yeah, that's nice. It was one time when my dad, you have to look for signs when my dad, I remember this as a kid. I had a fever of like 110. I tell this story already.

Please I had a fever. I was having like delusions or illusions, delusions, delusions of grandeur wacky. I didn't know where I was and I remember saying I was on a spaceship like crazy shit like I was like a black one, but I was like nine and my dad was driving me because you got a fever. It's like being on drugs.

Oh, I had a fever. What's that? Hands like two red balloons. Oh, thank you. I don't think red. That's 99 love balloons. You're really mixing and matching. But anyway, so we were driving and some guy cut off my dad

or whatever. My dad got out and he goes, I got a sick kid in here. Are you serious? Get out of my way. I got a sick kid. And I remember even in this all fucked up, I remember being like, well, he loves me. It was like a problem child when he finds the drawer.

Yes, yes. But anyway, so that was a moment. That was one moment when I was seven. So I think we're loved. They don't know how to show love. Your parents love you. I love you. We don't know how to show love.

Same with your parents. Same with me. All right. He loves us. Yes. Moving on. One time my dad was a psycho about pay. He has zero patients.

So one time we were at a big at a Popeyes black neighborhood. We're the only white people in there. He's in a suit. I'm I'm an idiot. I'm wearing my skateboard bullshit. I was probably 15 and they took forever. And he was like, they're doing this on purpose. And he's like pounding the table.

I'm like, cool. That guy's got a gun. He's wearing a do rag. He's he's dressed as a convict. I was like, take it easy. Daddy goes, my son is hungry. I was like, no, I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

Don't look over here. And they're like, look at this fucking white man. You know, whatever it was. Oh, it was tense. And they threw some some fucking wings at him. We got out of there. Wow. They don't know how to show love.

These no language. Yes. You got to find it. It's a it's a definitely a different language. But very difficult. Geez. All right. I got more, but I'll save it.

I got a couple more things too. But well, we did get a quick just so I'll go quick. We went to the beach yesterday. We had since no flight. I'm back on Saturday night. So we said Sunday. It's the gay pride parade. It's a fucking shit show out there.

Look, go gay, go nuts, dildos, butt fucking leather strap. I don't give a shit. I love it. I've been in the gay pride parade 10 years in a row. But this year I live in the belly of the beast. Yes. So I was like, we're getting out. We're going to hightail it out of this town for one damn day.

And we hit the LIRR went straight to Long Beach, bought a box of white claws, had lunch at Anchor Tavern and we got out there. The whole thing is like an hour and a half to get out there and then boom, you're on the beat. You're just at the edge of the edge of the earth. Just sit there, two lawn chairs, stack of white claws. And there was this, you know, there's a bunch of people everywhere on the beach and there's a like a family of like fat, fun black

ladies. And they're just like, you know, they're all dressed up. They got like the weird chain around the stomach thing. Oh yeah, that's a new thing. Yeah. Yeah, big Beyonce hair and the whole, the whole show, I was going to say the whole time, they're just like filming themselves twerking and like showing how fun they were.

And they have kids like building a sand castle next to them. And they're like doing this shit. The hair is one of the wind. They were fun. We couldn't stop staring. They were just a spectacle. And at what point the lady catches me and she goes, shot o'clock. And I said, huh?

And she goes, shot o'clock. And it's amazing how white you feel when someone says shot o'clock. I've been watching them all night, popping and locking. And she goes, shot o'clock. And I go, I don't know what that is. She pulls out a Hennessy and she goes, shot o'clock. And I go, oh, it's a shot o'clock already. And I waddle my honky ass over there.

And she pours Hennessy in my mouth and shakes my head up. And I go, and I go back. Oh, that's fun. Boy, Hennessy is really quite a beverage. It makes me sad. I never had any Hennessy because maybe I would have been. It's not good. It doesn't sound good.

It's not good, but I think I did a real olive. That was an olive branch to the white man and the black lady. And I think they're going to go home and be like, they're not all that bad. Well, I got to say, I'm ignorant. I'm naive. I'm an idiot, but there's a lot of talk about racial dissonance. I know, I know. I'm a real life when I'm out and about.

Everybody's getting along swimmingly. Of course. It's beautiful everywhere I go. But again, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm an idiot. I'm naive. I'm stupid. I'm white.

I'm a man. I'm a piece of shit, but this gender live in New York. I travel all over the country, all over the world. And I see all these genders, races, people getting along swimmingly. Yep. It's just when one person doesn't, they slap it on. Exactly. Exactly.

Everyone's great. I'm watching Francis Tiafo, American tennis player, black guy who I love. He's one of my guys that he's at London. The most exclusive play they're rooting for. They're going crazy. And so I'm not saying there's no racial problems, but I'm saying there's a lot of not problems also. Yeah.

Yeah. It's an algorithm, man. It just pushes out. You get the scandalous stuff and the fighting and the hatred gets more views and more clicks and it's more controversy and we all get excited and the blood starts pumping. But it ain't that real. And I think it's bad for society. I read an article yesterday that cities are more segregated now than they've been in a while.

And I think it's because we're pumping in so much. How about this KKK rail? And this white supremacy over here and then BLM and it's like, I think a lot of people just go, I'm just going to hang out over here. Like I'm not going to try. I'm not going to make an attempt. I'm clueless. I'm racist.

I'll just stay back. Right. And I don't think that's progress. Yeah. It's regress. Regress. Recess. Silent regress.

But yeah. So that was it. Then we came back the parade. We get out of the subway and you're just like hit with a big splash of jizz and a guy is a ball sack is right here. You're like, Oh my God. Right when you get on 6th Avenue, we ran home and we put our shit down, went to the grocery store and made dinner at home and had a great night.

And you got a nice view of it from over here on 4th Avenue. Oh, look at that. What do you got? I just want to say quick shout outs Kansas City. I just did the comedy club of Kansas City. I'll be two weeks ago. Now we had to do a week ahead because I'm in Maine for a week. But anyways, comedy club of Kansas City.

They want you bad. They are an improv guy. But my God, I mean, these, these, this is a good club. All right. I think it's been around for a year or two years. I'm down. Beautiful room. Great setup.

Big spacious stage. People are all around you. Nice green room. They have Nintendo on an HDTV. It's so fun playing Super Mario on an HD flat screen. Hell yeah. You can really see it, really feel it. Owners a good guy.

Great MC. Oh, fuck Dayton. Dayton. Dayton. But sad or beset or the best city. He's a Tuesday. He weighs 112 pounds. He picked me up.

He's like one of these 20 year old kids. He reminds me of me. He's into Neil Young. Oh, wow. He's got like John Prine on the radio when I pulled in. We listened to Van Boris. I had a great time. Went to the movies.

Saw a great documentary called The Sparks Brothers. The feature act Aaron Scarborough went and got popcorn. He came up. He tripped up the steps and like fell into the seat. I thought he was being funny, but he wasn't. He just fell like a maniac. Oh, wow. That was fun.

Good laugh. We went to the movies. Great time. So many Tuesdays. It was insane. Saturday nights. Sold out. Couldn't fit another person in there.

Tons of Tuesdays. A few Roganites or whatever. Sure. And people were so nice. Got a couple of gift cards. I mean, I was swimming in thank yous and I love yous and people brought some Pearl Jam knowledge and people were movie stuff.

So it was really exciting. And then I had a 7am flight. Got a ride to the airport. Spectacular sunset. Like it was all cloudy and cinematic bright hot pink. Purples and pinks and you just say, thank Christ. I'm a comedian. Thanks to all the gays for all the support through the years.

It keeps growing and keeps spreading the word. It's the best thing you can do for us. Hell yeah. And I'll tell you, I got an act again. It's all shit. It's all dick. But that's all right. That's what I think is funny.

That's your thing. I'm up there going, I should record this. This should be a special and it's really exciting. So thanks to all the gays and my father loves me. I think maybe yes. I think he does. I think he's an odd duck. And maybe his dad didn't show it so he can't show it.

But that's where you come in, where you learn how to show. I try. I'm trying to learn. Yes. Well shows. Speaking of that, I got Toledo funny bone coming up. I've never been there. I don't think I'll ever go back, but come on out Houston improv.

Let's sell that bitch out Philly helium buffalo helium. Gonna bring Sean Murph on that puppy and date in Ohio, Appleton, Wisconsin, Arlington, Texas at the improv funny bone Albany, West Palm Beach and comedy connection in Providence and comedy on state and Madison and Zaney's in Nashville. Rochester. Get the Patreon. He's got mindful metal.

I got we might be drunk. Chuck's kicking ass. Shelby's around. Say hello. Get on it. Tell a friend. Come see us live. Check out our specials on YouTube.

And that ought to do it. Praise Allah. We'll see you in hell. Oh, I have a problem. It's not ready. Oh, come on. George is saying cut it. Maybe I got it.

Hold on. Give it to him. Oh, god. Oh, shit. That's gonna be a shit. Wait. Well, I think I heard a snap, but it might have been a couch. All right.

All right. Forget it.