Tuesdays with Stories! - #409 Bad Kebab

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

Heyo, Mark's a little hungover while Joe regales us with tales from his Red Sox, roller coaster filled trip to Boston while Mark has a disappointing Tesla experience before a maskless train experience. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Sheath (sheathunderwear.com/ code: tuesgays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays), & Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey, hey folks, here we are, Tuesday Stores brought to you by Sheath Underwear, you know you love it, I'm wearing them right now, best done, these in the biz, they hug the junk, they give you support, they split the twig and the berries, and it gets a little needed space down there, it's a hot as ball summer, so spread out your stuff, will you, let it breathe. Sexy looking, the lady loves it, I'm a huge fan, this is all I wear now, I'm completely turned over, the idea came from its founder, U.S. Army soldier Robert Patton, during his second, what? I just said Patty. Oh, during his second tour in Iraq, support this awesome veteran-owned company who's a founder and a Tuesday himself and a big comedy fan, tell them how, Patty. That's right,

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like a period. He'll sink. Alright, kitchen sink. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do, great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah, Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. I think we're in it. Are we in it? Yeah, we're in it, baby. This is it. Here we go. Hey, folks, queep it up. I should just get it out in the open. I've never been this hungover. I had three cocktails. It's ruining my life. I can barely

stand up. I'm shitting water. I hate myself. Now, I don't understand. Did you eat something because three cocktails? This dog don't hunt. I mean, it sounds like you got a cold. You sound nasally and gargly and throaty. Yeah. Yeah. You're saying three drinks. So maybe you got a bite of something. Maybe. I'm sweating. I'm shitting blood. I think you might have something there, but I didn't eat. I think you got something with the no eating. All right, because I mean, you're hydrating because this sounds less hungover and more flu. I mean, you sound like shit. I feel like ass. I've had about 19 of these bottles of water. They're huge. I had an emergency. I had two coffees. I even tried a little nip of whiskey just to get back on the train.

Nothing's working, but we're pushing through. We're going to do a hell of a pod. It's going to be a great pod. I mean, you sound awful. I hope you're not sick. I don't want to get sick. My wife said she feels like she was getting sick, but then she slept and today she feels fine, so I don't know. I think people are worn out. Hey, that looks like a Dublin. I've been right over there. Remember that festival? You got that right? We might have to kill the screen saver because what happens is I see it and I go, oh shit. Look at that. There's your remote there. Hit the power button on the top left. Get rid of it. Nice. Christopher, get rid of it. Oh, there you go. That's a Christie reference. Yeah. New movie coming out. Sopranos movie.

What? I'm talking Chris DeStefano. Oh, never heard of a Sopranos movie. P. U. What's about the origin where like it's played by his son. It's all origins. Can I get a movie that's not an origin? There's literally a movie that's the origin of a G. I. Joe character. What? Yeah. It's some Asian running around. Everything's red. He's got swords and you're watching. You're going, ah, maybe this. I'm trying to be open more, more open minded. Sure. About the movies and I'm like, maybe I should go watch Black Window or whatever the fucking action bullshit is. The G. I. Joe movie, the He-Man movie, the fucking Skeletor movie, whatever it is. It's toys. These are toys. It's all toys. It's toy origins. I went to the movies last night. Toy story. That was pretty good.

Oh, thanks. I'm trying to get it out there. I'm hurting. No, I met the movie, not the quip. Well, they made seven of them. I didn't see the other six, but the first one was fun and good. Dan Crone is in it. What? Well, the kid looks like him. That's true. Pixar, they do good work. Yeah. Pixar, they got up, but they got, you know, the other one. Yeah. What's the other one? Monster's Anil. Monster's Inc. I loved. I saw that in the theater and got blown. Well, Satan, the theater's a little off-putting. I start because I worked at FYE for your information. If not, I'm not an asshole buying a ticket to Monster's Inc. Well, I was on a hot date with this gang. Was she 11? No, I think we were 16. Good times. No, Monster's Inc. came out in like

2000. I'm going to say four. Don't make me give it a goog. I mean, I was out of college by then. I'm thinking because Monster's Inc. came out. I worked at FYE, so it must have been love. 2002, 2003. Yeah. I graduated high school in 2001. 2001. All right. So you weren't 16, is my point. Yeah, I guess I was 18. 18, better. 18, 19, 20. But anyways. 17. You know what I mean. I think that's about statutory rape, right? It sounds like it. I mean, it's the Beatles, but it was a different time. She was just 17. But I think that's not rape anymore. Every state is different. That's true. Isn't it weird that the states vary? We got to hammer down a kid age for fucking variants. Look out. Delta. There's

nobody I hate more than the person that you're hanging out and you're like, you're looking at these variants. I'm like, shut up about the variants. Let me live my life. I don't want to hear about it. I'm so I just want to feel good. I'm with you. The variants are silly. There's a new one every week. I can't keep up. Am I supposed to be scared? Are we not scared? I don't know anyone who's got the delta. I don't know what to do here. I'd rather just be scared when it happens. I read this article. I'm like, just give me the good news. I'm walking around. By the way, it's weird coming back. I was in Maine. I didn't even pack a mask. I mean, zero mad. Everyone's vaccinated, healthy, happy, running around and I come back and it's quite

masky here on the subway at least. The subway is crazy, but I keep forgetting my mask because, you know, you go to the cellar, you go walk around, you don't need it. And then I get on the train. I go, Oh, and everybody gives you the stink guy. But there's also always like three guys or one gal without it. So you kind of have a bond with them. Yeah. Do you go sit with them or kiss them or finger them? What do you do? I sit on their lap and then we breathe into each other's face. I guess, but I don't know. I don't know what the deal is because no one's going, Hey, put that mask on, but there's a vibe. There's a tension. It seems we're kind of past it. Well, some countries don't because I think they didn't get vaccinated. The people that are dying

now are vaccinated for everything I read. If you got the vaccine, you're good to go. Yes. And if you don't get the vaccine, that's cool. That's cool, man, but that's on you. That's on you and you might kick off. But at this point, I got to say, you've got all the info. Everyone has all the info. Yes. So if you're choosing not to get the vaccine, that's fine. That's your prerogative. I understand you're afraid of the things, the queefs, the kills of the government, whatever it is. That's good. That's fine. That's cool. I'm cool. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, it's riskier for what I understand. Yeah. But let's just let bygones be gaygons. What the fuck? Who gives a shit? Bisexual, BIPOC, by curious. But yeah, it's like, Hey, if you didn't get the vaccine,

now I got to wear a mask to protect you. It doesn't really add up there. Sloppy jalopies. So if you don't want to get the vaccine, that's on you. You're on your own. Right. And that's what I've said. I think they're cool with that. From my perspective, at least in America or whatever, if the people that don't have the vaccine never believed in the thing anyways. Right. So they don't care about masks. Yep. Yep. And the people that are vaccinated are protected. So they don't care about masks. Exactly. Let's get rid of the masks. Let's get rid of the mask. I'm fine. So why am I wearing one? You should be wearing one if you don't want the vaccine. But it's always fun too when you talk to somebody and they're like, Oh, I'm not getting that.

They're like, Oh, you're one of those guys. Yeah, it's interesting. Yeah. My uncle, I was just with my uncle. He didn't, he didn't get the vaccine. He had it. He's, uh, he's got a mustache. So I think he thinks that protects him or whatever, but he seems to be fine. He's a little guy. He's in the fire department. He's walking around. So, uh, you know, he's got little legs and a big dick. So there you go. More than Marrior or whatever. Apparently Bill Mars packing heat. No kidding. Huge dong. Wow. It's interesting because he's got such an ugly face and a smug disposition. Yes. Smug, but a huge cock. And, and we've talked about it. I obviously, maybe on air, but off fair. I love the guy. People hate this guy. They, they just low them. They're like that

piece of shit scumbag. He's a guy. I'm like, I love him. I couldn't love him more. I want to put his big, huge cock in my face. Yeah. Put it in my ass cause he just keeps it really tells it like it is. He's a lefty, but he makes fun of the left. And, uh, he's doing jokes and he's, he's a little, uh, smirky, little smarmy, smarmy, but hey, at least he owns it and he is who he is. And, uh, he doesn't, uh, what do you call it? Cow Tao? Is that a thing? Cow Tao or cow Tao? Cow Tao. What the hell is Tao? Isn't that a Chinese herb or something? Cow Tao. Yeah. A thing. Cheat Chong, Cheech and Chong streets. I don't know, but there's toe in the line. So wouldn't it be cow toe? Yeah. You know, Tao, the line. Tao is T. A. O. That's a Chinese restaurant.

Yeah. He is a Chinese guy, I think. By the way, look at the sheets popping out, huh? Showing off some sheets. Do you ever wear basketball shorts out and about? It feels very strange. It feels weird. You get a boner. It's, uh, it's scaring the, the, uh, the kids at the convent and the pockets are loose. I said, I went to the movies last night, put my feet up and you just hear, and it's just quarters and change and condoms and lipstick and everything goes everywhere. I hate when that happens. I love a deep pocket. Nothing worse than when that ding, ding, ding, ding, ding sounds like a Vegas in your pocket. Yes. Deep pocket chocra. Uh, the other day I was on the, the beach. This is fine. I think you'll like it. It's not a beach in Maine. It's

all rocks. You're on like a rocky beach. Love a rock. You kidding me? I like Iran better. I hate, I hate the rock, the actor guy, but I rock Z. Well, I never drove one, but it seems like a nice vehicle. It's a little of a trans am ripoff. Am I crazy? Looks pretty similar. Caitlyn Jenner drove one of those. I don't know anything about anything, but so I like a rocky beach. By the way, I still stand by this. I've seen zero films featuring the rock, not one. Wow. That's impressive. I know. I'm going to keep my streak. I will never watch a The Rock film. I watched one on a plane. A Fast and Furious 78. Like who can keep up? It was with Jason Statham, which is funny because they fight each other the whole move and you're like, this guy's five, seven. This guy's a giant

Samoan, uh, Kweef with a tattoo. I got a roof. Like this is so unrealistic. Yeah, I don't know. Statham, I've never seen any of his films either. Oh, that's come on. Snatch, lock, Stux. Oh, all right. I saw those. I thought I just think of him as a later action guy. Well, he had this weird, that's a weird thing about action movies is he's old white guys. They're like, Hey, I'm going, I'm over the hill now. Liam Neeson. So I'm going to get into action. John Wick with Keanu. Well, he's always been action. Ah, Bill and Ted. I guess it's kind of an action-ish comedy, but I mean, you have point break was action. Oh, that's true. That's true. I guess the vampire of action. It makes you very actiony. Vampire one. What's that one Dracula? He's that

he's in Dracula. Why they call one of the worst accents of all time. He had to do British and it was just a polling splay. He's also in a in a Shakespeare to be to be doesn't really work. That's not a more like Trump. Yeah, that was very Trump. I don't think you could do that. Good of a Trump if you tried. No, that's over. I tried to do Keanu and then it fell into Trump. But if I tried to do Trump, it would sound like something else. You ever have this for a while? I was doing an amazing soaring eagle for like 10 minutes. Was that a Native American? That one was pretty good. It was pretty good. Somehow I got it back, but then I lost it. I think I stepped on it. Hit it again. That's pretty good. Okay. I think I

might have got it back because I had it for like 10 minutes and people were like stopping in the streets to give me quarters. They were like, what is that? Oh my God, we got to come see you live. I've never heard anything like that. People would add binoculars out looking for the eagle. Yeah. Yeah. And then all of a sudden I lost it. I was going. Don't you hate when you lose it? Yeah, that's not that's a little breathy, a little windy. Little windy. Yeah, it's got to have a real kick to it in the beginning that that's terrible. That was a five. Yeah, I can't do it, but the Eagles are a solid band. Great documentary. No, that's not bad. That felt like a coach. A coach. Like a whistle.

Yeah. Well, it's all whistles. It's all pipes. Yeah. What's up with the rape whistle? You don't hear about that anymore. Oh, by the way, two things. I got to get back to my story about the Rocky Beach, but I was driving. I did all kinds of driving this week. Hours and hours of driving, but I threw on Nick DiPallo, Born This Way, the album from like, oh, four. Like a Motley Crew album. Not Born This Way. This is the second one. Born This Way was this first one from like 88, but Road Rage. Oh, you want to have a couple of chuckles. Toss on Road Rage. The audio is not the best because it was the 70s. Yeah. Yeah. But boy, oh boy, is there some real classic Nick Dip in there. All right. I'd love to hear it because the old stuff is bananas. It's lunch. It's

so good. I mean, I was in the car like swerving in and out of traffic, howling on the Merritt Parkway, listening to some DiPallo and just shitting all over. And I got to say, my wife, she laughed at a few things, but she's like, I don't know. This just isn't my cup. Really? And I'm like, it was a moment where I almost got divorced because I was like, this isn't your cup. I'm just trying to do this. What's not to like? I mean, you got to love comedy in the car. You get why people listen to it because it's fun. It's very fun. I don't listen to enough. So I got to, I'm getting back in there, listening to some old classics, but my God, what a funny guy. But let me give you the Rocky Beach business. Oh yeah. Hit me with the rock. I got all kinds of stuff,

but I'm on the Rocky Beach. You know, late night, there's a million kids in the family, so they go to bed and Cantor was up there. I was up in Maine. I'll tell the whole story. This is all out of order, but please, he's, you're out of order. This whole courtroom's out of order. Overruled. But we go up to the Rocky Beach and Cantor's up there with his new squeeze and me and Sarah and Cantor in the squeeze. We all go down the rocks at night to have a cigar and, you know, they smoke some weed. We have a couple laughs, a little delt time. You know, we switch, we swap wives, we make out with each other. I fuck Cantor in the ass. His girlfriend jerks off. Oh yeah. But at one point, you know, they're having a couple cocktails, a little bit of weed.

This dame, she spills her bag on the rocks. It's pitch black. It's like one of the warnings. So, and she's got a crazy bag like, you know, bonds and butt plugs and swastikas, chapsticks, you know, earrings, the works. So what do you get the phone light out now? That's right. Phone light. And so everyone's helping her putting it back in and she's got a little buzz on and we're fun. We're buddies now. So what I do is every time she looks over there, I take a nice stone, like a good handful rock and just plop it in the bag. I got up to six of them. Wow. Six raw. And I kept doing it stealthily where no one was noticing because it's dark and the flashlight. So I'd move the flashlight over here and pile rocks in. And I thought at the end of

the night, she'd pick it up and be like, what the fuck or something? It's three days on now. I haven't heard a word. I haven't heard word once. So I don't know if she hasn't noticed or if she just thought maybe she was drunk or maybe she's pissed. I don't know. I think it's pretty innocuous. I'm hoping she goes, that's hilarious. Yeah. Well, it's got to be so heavy. What the hell is you thinking? I don't know, but it feels pretty good. So she's in there looking for her lipgloss and there's a couple of nature's finest rocks in there. Yeah. Yeah. Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Well, that's fun. I love a gag like that. Fun gag. Classic gag. I hope she's not mad. I think it's funny, but because, you know, I could have tossed some seaweed and a couple of crabs in there

through her crab medicine. I hope they were good. Good rocks too. You don't want to get a slimy algae rock in there. No, this was, you know, low tide, dried off a couple of stones and, uh, you know, it's fun. I can't believe you like the rocks. I went to Italy years ago with the lady and, uh, you know, it's all these beaches, beaches. It's all you hear and you get there and it's those fucking hard black rocks and you're like, what the hell? I want some sand between my ass cheeks. Yeah. I want hard black cocks if anything. Sure. For my wife to enjoy, but I don't know. Well, I like. I mean, a sandy beach is handy hook. Great. That's one thing. Yeah. That's a myth, but the sandy beach is nice to walk and sit, spend a day. If you want to, if you got a day,

you want to do that. Plus the rocks, you need water shoes because it's sharp and spiky and the whole thing. Exactly. So Sandy's good, but the rocks are nice because it feels its earth, its nature and you can skip. I do a lot of skipping down there. Love a skip. Sometimes you take a big boulder and sometimes at night when everyone's having a convo, you grab a big boulder and toss that in. Everyone shits their pants. Oh yeah. That's a good time. I'm not a good skipper. I can't get it. I like the peanut butter I like, but I can't skip me that rock. Oh, you got to see me skip a world class. I could see you as a good skipper. You get the zip on it. Yeah. You got to get low. Yeah. Make sure you're flat and low and a real zip and I can go distance or I can

go number of skips. I'm more of a distance guy though. Yeah. Cause there's a competition up there and the kids like to get, well, I got 17 skips. I want one skip like 50. I can really skip that thing. It's funny to think like pre internet, pre phones. That was a, that was entertainment. Like, Hey, we're skipping. Oh, that's all we do. All the ding dong day up there. And it's really changed because now my family, there's 48 kids now and they're all on their phones playing the super two in the business. Exactly. And yeah, we had no TV, just all card games and rock skipping and walking and hiking and all the stuff. It's a better life. I'm watching the Hemingway doc and he's like, we go to Key West every summer and fish and eat each other out and

all this. And you're like, man, they just killed time. They just played card games and swam. That was it. Kill time. Kill Tony. Is he alive still? Is that? I think he's around. I don't know. I can't keep up, but he's around. He's doing his thing. I think, I think I moved to Texas with the rest of them. Right. That's the move now. You gotta go to Texas. Well, I'm staying right here, but I wanted to buy a house up in Maine. I almost bought a house. Wow. But then I remember, you know, I don't have enough money to buy a house and it was like an 1800s house and I'm not a 1800 year old house guy. Now you're going to have to fix the chandelier and there's ghosts. How, how's the prices out there? Well, they've gone up cause you know, COVID, everybody bought

up so everything skyrocketed. You can't afford nothing. So, you know, but you get, you know, you get those wild hairs up your ass. Everyone in my family's buying a place and a thing over there. They built the thing and a little shed over here. So you go, I maybe I'll buy one. Exactly. And then you remember, you hate these people. So you're like, nah, it's not a great idea. Yeah, but it's a good investment. You know, you have it now you own a home, but you're never going to be there. Well, you have to rent it out. Then you can make some income up there. Right. Right. Who knows whatever, but it couldn't do it anyways. Let's get into this fucking. Yeah. Hit me with the, with the beach. Well, a lot of stuff. Well, I guess I'll just, I feel like I'm talking more

though. You might have to throw some stuff out there. These people get very upset. All right. Well, let me just throw this out there. Please. So where the hell was the hell? Oh, Phoenix. You got to get out to Phoenix there, Fannie. They're, they're, they're Jones in for you. They're foaming at the mouth. Love. It's like there's too many choices out there. I know Phoenix is an underrated comedy town. Just hot crowds. They want to laugh. They don't get upset. They don't get offended. They like it dark. Oh, almost yacked. Just pain. Oh, shit. This could be ugly. Well, yeah, I'll do it right on the table. What'd you get? Bad ice? I mean, what happened? Three drinks you're saying? Yeah, three. I swear to God, it was three, but they were full cups of whiskey.

All right. I mean, three drinks. This is a little embarrassing, frankly. I know. I don't know what's gotten over me. Maybe you got bad ice or you ate a, did you eat a piece of chicken or? I did, actually. I had a kebab. Uh-huh. Maybe you got a bad kebab. Ah, Bob Saget. Keboom. Yeah, I'm going to do that later in the, in the, in the turlet. But, uh, so I get a, I get an email or a message from this guy. He goes, Hey, nice guy. He goes, Hey, I got a test. I work at the Tesla plant here. Do you want to come by and we'll film it and you can do some driving and we'll get you in a Tesla and I'm like, Oh my God, give me a Tesla. Sure. Hey, you know, what am I doing all day? I'm, I'm, you know, pulling my dick and fingered my ass and my, you know, my kids. So I go,

Oh yeah, I'll go, I'll go do that. Now how about this one? Me and Ari Manis show up. We get to the Tesla plant or whatever. Who's that? Ari Manis. He's my opener. You did, Jewish. Uh, we show up and it's noon or one and this beautiful warehouse, like the coolest cars. They're all cool looking and new and zippy. And there's like special Teslas that are like race cars. And I'm like, Oh my God, he's got the camera guy out there. He mics me up. I'm like, this is going to be great. And they go, Yeah, we, you know, we got a track over here. We'll go to the track. I'm like, Oh my God, I'm gonna race a Tesla on a track. We get in the Tesla, some old guys like, Hey, you want to get, get in here with me? They got go pros in there. He drives me around the

track and that was it. So you didn't get to drive. I thought I was going to get to drive it. It was a big tease. Oh, huge tease. And I couldn't be like, do I get to drive it? Cause I felt weird that they didn't offer it. So I just go, okay, then we did that for an hour and I went home. Oh, who wants to be a passenger in a car? I mean, maybe if it's like a formula one, but a Tesla, there's a Tesla in my fucking driveway right now. Exactly. And you know, the guy guns it and you go, Whoa, it's so fast. I get it. But I don't know. I could do this with an Uber. I'm never great with the ride in the car guy. And I want to ride in your car because we're fresh. So we'd hang out like this. Yeah. So why not be in a car? That's fun. That's fun.

But the guy, I remember my uncle had a friend who had a Corvette and he's like, you like Corvettes. And I was like, Oh, I love Corvettes. I was a Corvette asshole when I was a kid. Well, when I'm like 12, I see. So I had all the things, the split windshield, the stingray, the business, the steel bumper, you know, 72, blah, blah, blah. And so he's like, I got a Corvette. I heard your Corvette kid and I go, yeah, yeah, I got the books and the things and the little toys. And he goes, well, it happens to be sitting out there. You want to go for a ride? And everyone's like, yeah, Joe, this is your dream. The whole thing, by the way, my senior portraits are in front of a Corvette. That's embarrassing. Yeah. I got a Michigan shirt. I'm not even from there.

A Corvette. I don't know. People like your dad had a Corvette. You had a Corvette. I'm like, no, my uncle's friend had a Corvette. It's very embarrassing. That was a big thing. Taking photos in front of cars that weren't yours. That was a thing back then. Yeah, it was weird. I don't know how I agreed to this. When you're young, people just say things. You're like, all right. Now there's a picture of me wearing a University of Michigan shirt in front of a Corvette. It's a real misrepresentation. Although I was a Michigan fan as a kid. Yeah, go roosters. What? What is the Michigan Wolverine? Ah, close blue. But anyways, Ann Arbor, great comedy club, great town, great club. But so I get on the in the Corvette, but you're just you got to meet a guy

and he's driving. And I think if you're driving a cool car, yeah, you feel it. You feel the difference. But in the passenger seat, you're like, I don't have a shit. I know. And then you got to go, oh my God, well, the power. Well, and you know, it's nice. And these guys are doing me a favor or whatever by zipping me around. But I'm like, I don't know. I could just rent a Tesla. Yes, I can Uber one or whatever you want to call it. Yeah, you can rent one. You can buy one. I mean, also, you're not you're not cool as a passenger. No, like no one's like, Hey, what do you got a friend with a car? Exactly. The driver gets the pussy. Exactly. I'm giving him road head. This old guy. And I feel like an idiot because I'm just sitting there. Yeah, it's a little silly,

but still a nice gesture. I guess who gives a shit. But you're just sitting there going like, okay, I guess we'll switch now, but it never came up. And then they were like, okay, we'll see you later. We got the footage. So it was a little awkward. And Ryan, I appreciate you having me. But me and Ari Manis drove back to the hotel like, well, that was weird. That was uncomfortable. I don't care for the huge screen. They got a TV screen the size of AMC movie theater. It's an iPad in there. It's this big. It's crazy. AMC is dropping like flies. I'm losing a fortune on it. Well, I just went to the movies last night and it happened. I was a regal. I'm going to use that ticket price. Regal Beagle. Yes, Brian Regal. What'd you see?

This movie called Zolar, I think. Zoloft. It's about a woman. It's a whole movie based on a Twitter thread. Have you heard about this? Like a nightmare. This woman a couple years ago had a 148 tweet thread about a crazy night stripping. Okay. And they made a movie out of it. I'll say it's a damn fine picture. Really? It's a hell of a picture. Maybe I'll give it a favorite. It's pretty good. It's only 83 minutes long and the tweets. It's wild. It's funny. It's got a million action and some laughs and some sex. You see some dicks. Okay. No tits. I think it's like feminists. So you see the dicks, but no tits. Yeah. Do women want to see dicks or not? I can't figure that one out. They hate the dick pic, but then they're like, Hey, it's all tits in the movie.

What about us? I think they like pecs or abs over a dick. A dick. I think if you're seeing a dick, it depends on theirs is all context and situational. Yes. Exactly. But I feel similarly at this age anyways, just a picture of a pussy. I'm like, Yuck, get away from me. But a woman, you know, in like some of these dames on Instagram comedians, this comedians on Instagram that are doing these thirst traps that my God, I know, I know it's bananas and more power to you, empowering and show your clam. But like, it's wild. Yeah. But like some of them, like you just, like to me, a lady like sitting like this, like I am now with some panties on and like a little low cut situation. Yeah. That's hotter than a photo of like pussy lips to me. Yeah. The pussy lips is

not the most photogenic. But if you know the gal, you're like, wow, you look at that vagina. Yes. If I saw a picture of like, you know, my aunt's pussy, that would get me up. That would be hot. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Isn't that weird that every woman as a vagina, like old Chinese ladies have a crazy gash between the legs? Yeah, that's pretty cool. I guess. But it's some old bag picking up cans in Chinatown. You're like, ah, she gets horny. She's rubbed a clit or whatever. Yeah. She's rubbing it with a little Mountain Dew bottle. Yeah. Yeah. Well, whatever it takes. But yeah. So everybody gets horny. It's pretty kooky. Yeah. Nuns, priests, what we know about them. Yeah. It's pretty wild. I forgot

to put my airplane mode situation on. But let me give you a little bit about Maine. Yes. Old Orchard, because I just had like one of the great weeks of my life. I feel. Oh boy. Renewed, refreshed, recharged, retarded. I really feel silent. Yeah. Yeah. Reflex. I mean, Maine Coon. So, you know, I go up to Maine every year since I was a little bitty tight. You know, it's weird because we get older. You're like, I've been coming here for 37 years now. I know. It just keeps flying by, folks. Time keeps going. Now I'm the guy who's like, look at these young kids. What's going on here? You don't know this town. Get the fuck out of here. Totally. And then like someone will be like, are you familiar with the Whale Watch? I'm like, get out of here. I went

in the Whale Watch in 1991. You piece of shit. Get out of here, you young cunt. I know the whole kitten caboodle. Move it along, dickless. This is my town. It's all ego. I wish I could have a hat that's like been here more than you. You fucking idiot. Don't talk to me. Right. Right. But we go up there. Now, Sarah and I, we go to Booth Bay Harbor every year with my family. There's like, I mean, the family keeps growing. All I can think is you start to get weird introspective because of course you're like, all the, everyone has kids in the family. There's 19 kids. Now the kids get older and you're like, soon these kids will all have partners that they bring. And then they're like double it's like exponential, but the older people will start to die off. And then we become

the older one. It's very strange. And then you're thinking like my uncle bought this house when he was my age and I was 17 and it's the circle of jizz. It just keeps going. That's why you can't take all these queues too seriously because it all ends folks. We're just on a conveyor belt to hell. Well, we were talking about it off air. You go up and you spend some time in the woods, on the ocean, swimming at heels, the whole family. And then you're like, I only got 200 likes on this tweet. You're like, what are you talking about? Who gives a shit? Who cares? What the fuck? I got a seven year old blowing me and my old uncle is dying. But any jizz, so we're going up there and I like to plan a thing. I don't like to just go

someplace. I like to stop on the way, get a little, a little routing, the main streets and back roads. You know what I mean? So sure the the Red Sox, who I haven't been to a game in two years because of dumb COVID. Yep. They're playing a Thursday matinee. So we leave here Wednesday night. We jump in the car. I love a night drive. We leave at 8pm, get up there at 1230, sleep it off, wake up first thing in the morning, jump in the car. Sarah's never been to Fenway. We head into Boston. We park, we go to the Sox game. It drizzles a little bit, but the sun comes out. Oh, I love it. I got Foger in my mind. The sun came out today. You know, I'm born again. There's new grass on the field. The team comes running out. She doesn't give a shit. She's on her phone.

Oh, God. I'm watching lead off home run. I'm, I'm going crazy over here. I'm high five in the children. And is it, is it at Boston? Is that the green monster? At Fenway, Fenway Park there. Haven't been in a couple of years and now I'm getting emotional because my dad just take me there when I was four. He fucked me in the ass and the bleachers when I was nine. Sure. Play ball. So, you know, it's a special place. It's the most special place to me. And, and, you know, I'm telling her all about the changes. I'm like, that wasn't there when I was a kid. This wasn't here. He wasn't there. I was queer and it's exciting. She gets into a little bit. We have a good time. A few laughs. Yeah. Great game. The Sox killed the Royals. It's fun.

They're in the middle of a winning street. They won eight in a row at the time. It's happened now, whatever it's. Sox. So we leave there, jump in the car, sit in traffic. We drive through Everett, my old neck of the way. I'm like, that's the biggest theater in Massachusetts. It's closed now. There's Mike's roast beef over there. There's the Everett House of Comedy. Shout out. Rest in peace, Tom Dustin. We love you. Tommy D. Look at this QS comedy. Hey, speaking of Tom, that's his little venue. Go check it out. That's his joint. One of the best clubs. I can't wait. I'm going to go down there in the winter and hell yeah. Can't wait. But anyways, great club. Go check it out. Go watch Tom. Look him up. Funniest guy ever.

Hilarious. Drive through there. We go up route one. We pull into Old Orchard Beach, which I just love Old Orchard Beach. Folks might remember I was there a couple of years ago with Sarah. Very similar situation where it's rainy, drizzly day. So it clears out the park. There's an amusement park. We stay at an old bed and breakfast. This thing was built in 1398. How do you find all this? It's quite a planning job. Well, you just look it up. I grew up there, so that makes it easier. But Red Sox, yeah, I know the schedule because I'm a fan. Sure. So you go on the stub hub. You get your tickets there. And I go to Loge 162. I like to be down the left field line. It's a better view. Right field face is the wrong direction. It's a whole

thing. Oh yeah. So then we go there. We get this B&B and it's like an eight minute walk from the beach. I'm getting like goosebumps just thinking of this because it was so fun. It's a dramatic day. It's a little drizzly. We pull into the B&B. Now my parents, I convinced them to come up. I'm like, you guys will love it. It's kitschy. We'll hang out. We'll have a day without all the children. Yeah. So they're up there now. Uncle Dale, you know Uncle Dale. Love old big dick Dale. Big old cock on this son of a bitch. He's up there camping with his daughter and wife. So we all meet up. We go down to the pier. They're having drinks on the pier. I grab his daughter, shove her up my ass. I go over the amusement park. I go, give me three unlimited wristbands. That's 38 bucks

unlimited. If you ever go to Old Orchard Beach, don't get the tickets. You can either get tickets and each ride is like five tickets. Oh, it's crazy. This one's three ticket and they just go fast. So they get you and you got to sit there and go one. You're just handing them over. Yep. You get the unlimited wristband. I go. It's 114 bucks for the three. Strap it on her. She's not that grateful. He's she doesn't give a shit, but who cares? We go there. Uncle, wait, what's the price difference? Well, you know, a ticket is what like two bucks and then how much is the wristband? I don't know. Well, the wristband is like 38. Now here's where I'm. That adds up fatty. Well, I'm a fun guy. Here's the thing. We talk about this a lot on the show. Uncle. Nothing is worth

the money that they're not worrying about the tickets. Yes, yes, is worth even if it's a thousand dollars. I'm like, give me the unlimited. And as a kid, we never had the unlimited. We're always poor. Well, we can go on two rides or choose wisely. Right. I like we're going on anything you want nonstop. Let's go. So we get them. That's the thing about money. People think it's this Ferrari and champagne. You're on a yacht getting blown by J Lo, but it's actually just that piece of mind. Need a piece of mind. Piece of cake. Palm. So we get the things and then Uncle Dale, my parents, they finish up their bears. They come and join us. Everyone's drinking, having a good time. We got the unlimited. We go straight to the roller coaster. We jump on the front of that thing.

And because it's been raining all day, same as two years ago, yeah, it's been raining all day. It's all moody, dark clouds and it's sprinkles here and there, but we don't give a shit. We go on the front of the roller coaster. The roller coaster guy, coolest guy in the world. I mean, this guy puts so much energy into his job. He's there two days in a row. We were there. He's there for six hours straight. He's like, are you guys ready? Are you really ready? Give me a thumbs up. Have a good time. And he's doing that. He's like 58 years old. Wow. He looks like a hobo. His pants are sagging off. He's got like his hats over here. He's got like a snot coming out. There's like patches of his beard are missing. But he's like, here we go. And away. He's like one of those

guys still got the love for the game. You know, that's what you need at an old amusement park. Cause some of these guys go, yeah, they got a rat tail. They got one, two. They go, all right, get in your fucking queef. And then then you have a shitty ride, but you got to have a good compassionate, open minded guy there. He had all the energy. There was a bunch of good characters. There's one guy with a claw hand. He had like, he was missing his hand. He had like the, it looked like this thing. Oh yeah. I've seen that. The little grabber. Then there was a girl who was like 14 thinner than like McConaughey in that AIDS movie. Yes. Uh, Wolf of Wall Street. Yes. And then she has like the dark black, you know, uh, Margot Tenenbaum makeup on and she's all moody

and like looking like, like you're on the tilt of the world and you're feet are going, you're coming and she's just like scowling, but you love it. Cause you're like, look at how pissed off she is. This is hilarious. What are you doing at that gig? Get out of here. Go work at Hot Topic, you queef. Well, she's 14. She's probably booting heroin or dad lives in a trailer park. I mean, this is Old Orchard Beach is not exactly the Hamptons. Right. A lot of opioids. This is, uh, you know, low budge, let's say. I hear you, but there's nothing like it. Amusement parks are already kind of old school and, and kooky and, but it's nice in a, in a old amusement park with some, some great clouds. It gives it a like a spooky vibe. Oh my God. The clouds. And then

like you're going up on the roller, the, on the roller coaster and we know where the camera is cause we went so many times two years ago. So we're doing different faces and stuff. We're really clowning. Right. And then the guy that sells you the photos, he gets to know us. He's like, you guys are getting good cause we're doing all kinds of poses. I'm doing like Asian eyes, devil horns. I got my dick out on one. You know, we're making out on one of them. Hell yeah. And then each time though, the problem with making a fun, funny faces, every time you go, look at it, you got to buy it. You got to buy it because you're like, I'll take another one because you're like, that's too funny. Right. I keep being too funny. I'm pulling on Sarah's

tit and like going, snap it. And he's like, this is a good one. And I'm like, I gave the guy 300 bucks because I kept buying the photo. There you go. You know what's sad is I go on a roller coaster now and I'm like, Oh, I should film this. This is a cool view. But then I'm like, what am I doing? Enjoy the coaster. Now, I don't know. Filming on thing. I'd snap a few photos here and there, but I think I got to talk fast because I got a lot to get to. Plus we got ads hit me, hit me. No, we don't apologize. I'm saying I'm worried that look at this. We're only nine minutes in. We got to do some ads. All right. All right. To be continued. How you doing everybody? All right. So what do we got? Oh, Lucy. Oh, you got that right. Lucy in the sky. Tuesday's

with stories is brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum. I mean, I, you know, you, you used to smoke for a couple of minutes there. It's very difficult to smoke. I mean, to quit smoking, it's easy to start smoking hard to quit. Isn't that the way it goes? That's it, fatty. They get a hold on you. I can't quit now, but Lucy makes it much, much easier. It's one of the hardest things to do in the world is to quit smoking. You got to do it. You want to live a long, happy, plentiful life so you can go to Old Orchard Beach. Lucy was founded by Caltech scientists, former smokers who wanted to help other people quit. They set out to create a better and cleaner nicotine alternative. It took three years of research and experimenting and finally they made Lucy a nicotine gum that

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folks. This is a free boner. How can you go wrong? What do you think, Kat? You got a boner, huh? I've seen that lipstick red rocket on you. All right, so you're on the roller coaster. Kat's pissed. Roller coaster of love. I mean, I got to use a coaster on the table. So we don't press any buttons over there. No, please. Kat, I couldn't think of the name. Greg. Greg, that's right. Boy, Jesus Christ. You got to go easy. Everyone tells me, oh, don't worry about this cat. Then you touch it and then the thing goes nuts. Look at this. Does this seem like it's not a terrifying cat? It's been on edge lately. I don't know what's going on. There we go. He's chasing a bug. I can see it. Oh, I just saw a bug go by. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. So he's all hunt mode. Interesting. Yes. I mean, he's got, it looks like he has shoes like white sneakers. I don't know. He's got little white gloves like Mickey. Mouse? Yes. Mantle. He's all the mantle. But a whole different life. Okay, so we get there. We got the unlimited. It's drizzling. It's moody, dark clouds. And there's like thunder out in the distance, lightning in the distance. And this is just night one. So we're going the next day. We're going all day. Yeah. There's also a huge arcade. Jesus. You're good. He's chasing the bug. He's chasing the bug. Oh, what if the bug fucking lands on my cock? Well, you're a goner. The cock's gone. This guy's got claws the size of

my asshole. All right. Well, the cat left and it's a nice asshole. Yeah, thank you. But anyways, so we're riding all over. We're riding dirty. We keep taking the photos, snapping great photos. Good time. Then we close out the joint. The place is like, good night. We're close. It starts to rain a little bit. Yeah. We leave. First, we leave to go get some dinner. We go to this place, jump in Jake's. Good time. The ceiling's leaking. Have a nice meal. We're playing pool, throwing darts. Good time. It's a good group. We go back because we still got the unlimited. So we go, we'll ride a couple more rides. We go to the thing. It's called the drop zone, which is a free fall. Remember that thing? I don't like it. You don't like that thing?

I don't like any roller coasters. I don't get it. You don't get it? Well, I get it, but I don't enjoy it. You get jerked around. You're scared. I don't know. I'd rather watch a movie or have a conversation. Well, I'd rather those two things too, but every once in a while. I mean, I watch 500 movies a year. I have 10,000 conversations a year and then one day a year. I like to ride around, be jerked. All right. Jerk me off. I'm just not a huge amusement guy. The tilt the world. It's like, Hey, let's get this guy queasy. Hey, let's, let's drop a guy and watch his tits fall into his asshole. And I don't know. I don't, it doesn't appeal. Well, I read that book. Things pussies say. Classic. I got to read that. Is that a Stephen King?

Yeah. The movie. Every page just says that's what pussies quit. I don't read my lips. No new taxes. So that's fair, but the drop zone is the thing that you sit on it. It goes, it takes you up to the top and it goes, it drops you a little, brings you back up, drops you down, brings you up, drops you down. And so we're doing that and it starts to rain. We're there. It's raining. And like, I don't mean like spitting or drizzling like rain rain. Oh no. And I'm like, is it still open? The guy's like, yeah, you can still come on and it, the seat is like a bucket. So there's like half an inch of water. So we all just go, ah, fucking it's the fourth of July. We're all gay.

Our fathers hate us. So we sit down and just soak it in. You got a wet asshole. But once you're wet, you can't get wetter than wet. Sure. But then it just takes you up high above the park and it is actually raining. And there's a moment where we're all like, is this stupid? What are we doing? And it feels like you got some lube on that seat. Now you can slip right out of there. I'm not into it. It's slippery and I'm talking rain, Seattle, fucking rain delay rain. And you're up there high and it's dropping you. And we're just having a great time. Of course we survived. We go on that pirate ship, which is all the way up here and rocks you back and forth. And you're getting these great views of the ocean and the whole park. That's night one, night two. We go down there.

It doesn't open until four. Now my niece and nephew, my sister are all up there. We're having a great time. We're playing arcade games all day long, having some lunch. I buy them unlimited. We're waiting to counting down till 4 p.m. Finally, it's four o'clock. I get in the unlimited. My nephew's a little nervous about the roller coaster. I go, let's go, you son of a bitch. We'll be the first ones on there. We get there. We're waiting a line. We're in there at 3.59. It clicks over to four. The roller coaster guy's back. I'm like, I remember you from yesterday. He's like, I remember you from yesterday. Who's ready to have fun? Oh, wow. We're the only ones on there. We get in the front car. We come all the way around. We finish the roller coaster. Great ride.

Yep. Then he goes, there's no one here. You guys want to go to the back? Experience it from the back. Let's go to the back. We jump on the back. Whole new ride. Take it from behind. The back is whipping you. The front is leading you. We're having a hell of a time. The photo guy loves us. Yeah. Great time. We're riding rides all day. We all got the unlimited. We're hitting the pirate ship and then the tilt the world and the other thing and the other guy. Yep. Yep. Sometimes we'll stop to play an arcade game. And once again, it's it's moody and rainy and dark. Then we all go out to dinner, have a nice big chicken farm. This is great. Then what about the Ferris wheel? You hit the Ferris wheel? We didn't do the Ferris wheel. All right. Yeah, the Ferris wheel. You're

already hot. We've already had the view. You got the view on the action. Right. And great program. A lot of good stuff in there. I prefer the chat. What's the chat? That's a view knockoff. The view is one like eight Emmys, by the way. Isn't that insane? It's also been on for like 25 years. I didn't realize that. I don't even know what whoopee's saying at this point. Yeah. I don't know much about any of those people, but that Liz Hurley, I really had a thing for. Oh, she was on that? Is that her name? Elizabeth Hurley? No, not the British actress who dated the one that was married to the football player from Boston. Elizabeth Megan McCain. No, back. She married Hasselback Hasselback. Oh yeah, but she was named something before she

was on Survivor. Oh wow. Anyway, she was super hot. Oh yeah. Good times. I think she's dead or something. I think Sharon Osborn got canceled or something. Yeah, I think that was silly though. Yeah, she said that she didn't like Pierce Morgan's asshole or he was black or something. No, she defended him. He said something racial and she was like, wow, he's just saying things and then she got canceled for something he said. So strange. I think she got like 20 mil on the exit though. Oh, is that right? Oh yeah. They got to cut you a fatty because or else you'll just talk. Interesting. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, she's fine. She seems cool. She's 78 years old. It's so weird to be like, we got to ruin this old lady's life. I know. Very strange. I don't get it. And like,

I don't know, she's married to a rock star. He's probably said horrible shit and we're worried about her. I don't know. It's all, it feels very nothing burger. By the way, you got a decent plump there. Oh, thanks. Did you know that the biting the head off the bat was in Des Moines? What? Yeah. We were just in Iowa. Everybody told us that. They were like, hey, where are the bat people? Just so you know. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, I guess. I mean, that's when you know you got nothing going on and that's your claim. Yeah, I couldn't believe how people told us. They're like, that's 995. And I'm like, there you go. Thanks. And they're like, here's your burrito. And by the way, the bat happened here. It's kind of like the Wright

Brothers ago. You know, the Wright Brothers had their period here and you're like, oh, I thought they were from this town. Yeah. Yeah. But this is where they actually, you know, ate each other out. You're like, all right, well, you can't claim it all. It's, it's born or nothing. Yeah. I still don't know Carolina or Dayton. What is it? They both use a first in flight. Yeah. First in flight. I don't know. What is that? How could that be? Call in if you know. I mean, unless they flew from Carolina, did they land in Dayton? Oh, that could be some. But then I go back to Carolina. But there's two of them. Maybe one was in Dayton and the other was in Carolina. Is that possible? No, no, they were sticking together. Somebody had to sit on that

wing or hit the steering wheel. Well, whatever. Who's Amelia Earhart? She delivered the bomb. Oh, yeah. Anola gay. I've been there. Yeah, Amelia. I don't know, but Delia. What's her deal? She does. I think Michelle Wolf is a bit about it. I think she disappeared. She flew around the world and went to be muted triangle. Yes. Bermuda. Sorry. Yeah. Wolf's got a great bit about it because she was like, all right, I'm going to do what the men do. And then she just died. That's the bit. Funny comic. Good comic, bad pilot. Pilot? Wolf did a pilot? No. Amelia. Oh, I see. And then there's Linberg. Yes. That was Jimmy Stewart. He played the spirit of St. Louis. That's right.

If there's not a movie about you, I don't know nothing. Nothing. We got Sully. Even Sully got a movie. Oh, that movie was trash. Really? Oh my God. If someone's like, I loved Sully, I go, all right, I got to end this conversation. Yeah. All right. I never watched it, but Tom Hanks. I mean, we already know the story. I don't get it. Hey, oh, it sticks. And they made it all fake. Oh, it's a piece of garbage. Oh, yeah. Flight was actually pretty good with Denzel I love huge flight fan. Big flight fan. Zemeckis. Ah, he's good. Yeah. Zemeckis could eat out my mother and spit it in my face. And I'd find it pretty compelling. I agree. Get him. Get in there with Debra Zemeckis. Bobby Zem. So anyways, let me get right into this

and finish off and move it on or kick it over or pass it on because the people are going to shit blood. They're going to be like, this is a list episode. I'm bummed his mic is working, which by the way, we got to apologize for the microphones. Yeah. But can I just say, I'm going to throw you under the bus here because I'm getting so much flack. I don't show up with my own microphone. Of course. The equipment lives here in this apartment. I got people going, get your life together. Your microphones, a piece of shit, learn how to take care of your microphone, not at both of us at me. Yeah. And it lives here. So talk to this son of an onion who, I don't know what you're doing with them. You're shoving them in Greg's ass or something. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He hates the mics. He swats at the mics. He paused at them, but I didn't think it would ruin the whole thing. I think it's the cord or it's the outlet or the outlet ball. I don't know. But either way, I didn't mean to. I didn't know it was fucked up. It's an accident. You don't have to tell us where the mics are fucked. Stop yelling at us. You're an asshole. You're an idiot. Get your shit together. I don't know what's wrong with you. And I'm like, fuck off. It's not my fault. All right. Right. Maybe we should have headphones. We're idiots. We're pretty dumb. We apologize. We're stupid. It's possible. This is all garbage. We got a new thing. We got a brand new zoom. We ordered it. Shelby's jumped on it. So if this doesn't work now, I'm just going to kill

myself. Yeah. I might either way, but please. Oh, that was a fun. The cat jumped and skidded. Yeah. It's got those furry feet. So. Oh my God. I haven't even got to anything. Oh, sorry. Hit me, fatty. Go. That's my fault. I'm talking too much. I can't keep a thought in my asshole. Let me tell you this though. Please. Rode the train the other day. Forgot a mask. It's a pack train and I'm looking around. I'm the only guy without a mat. Me and like a hobo. So I'm kind of like, ah, shit. I'm old squirrel. I'm waiting to get yelled at by a Karen or whatever. So then this girl comes up. Good looking girl. I think she was like a hot Indian lady. And uh-oh. There we go. Cats running the table here. Take a seat, will you? He loves hitting the zoom. Yeah, it really

does. Someone said it's the warmth. All right. Whoops. I don't believe it when I see it. Uh-oh. That's my air pods. He might knock it off the table. He's got a weird thing about it. Owning the table. Interesting. Like a blackjack player. But uh, so I'm on the train. No mask and it's getting weird. I'm kind of looking around like I'm doing the shirt up, whatever I got to do. And this girl comes up and he goes, I have a mask if you want it. And I go, wow. Oh God. And she goes, uh, yeah, yeah. And I go, well, is it, you know, this is weird. Like I'm just taking a stranger's mask. It's like taking a condom that's used. And she's like, I'm the only one who's used it. And I remember looking at her like, oh, I would make out with her. I'm not going to because I'm in a

relationship. But I would, if you would, what's the difference with the mask? So I took it and I wore it. I think that's fair. It's fair. Yeah. I mean, I use my wife's toothbrush on my asshole all the time. And people go, wow, the toothbrush. But I'm like, well, we make out. I finger box and then sniff it. I mean, what difference does it make? Exactly. When I was in high school, I was a busboy and I would eat all the shrimp and the pieces of fish and they're like, what are you crazy? I'm like, well, I would go down on her. So what's the diff? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. There is a lot of like OCD germaphobes that just meet a woman on a train station and then eat her asshole that night. Yeah, that's true. So all's well that ends in anal. And she was very nice. So thank you,

sister. Appreciate it. Yeah. Very helpful. Just like, I can tell you need one. And then she got off and I never saw her again. No, she got off her right. You got that right. That mask. It's smell like pussy. Isn't it weird that I think I'm sure this has been discussed in other places with smarter people than us. But you know, I don't think women ever like see a guy on a train and like see his like shorts and then go home and like jerk off thinking about them. Right. Every guy has done that. I know. Where you like go to CVS and it's just like a hot chick with a tight CVS jersey and you're like, all right, I'm going to save that and beat off later. And then you're, yeah, you start, you stockpile it. Then you're kind of like, ah, I'm having trouble getting off. Oh,

CVS, you throw that in. Yes, exactly. Then your uncle pops in and things get weird. But it's true. Like I don't think women, it's like context. I don't think a woman has ever followed a guy cause he had a nice ass. Like they go out of their way to be like, I'm going to take a right here even though I'm going left. Right. Yeah. We're different. Men are from Mars and women are from, you know, hell or Venus. Uh, all right, I'll just wrap this up. Sorry. We go out to eat and then, you know, my, my, my sister and the kids, they're exhausted. They go to bed. My parents are 78 years old. They're exhausted. They go to bed. Yeah. Sarah and I go back to our B and B. We're sitting there and it's like, you know, it's just a tiny B and B. It's stuffy. We go,

well, we got some points on our car because it's all card with the arcade. Yes. Might as well go down. Plus we're collecting tickets. I like to give the tickets to a kid at the end of the thing because I'm not going to get a bouncy ball or whatever. So I go, we got a point. We'll go down. We'll play a couple of games of air hockey. We'll hand the tickets out, you know, do a little service showing the kids the ass. They'll love it. Sure. Put it in my ass. We go down there and we play a couple of games and it's, it's drizzly. It's late. It's not drizzling anymore. Now it's better. It's late and there's also fireworks at 945 man. This place is paradise and we missed the fireworks tonight before because it was rainy that night. So we go down there. We watch some fireworks.

We'll hang out. We'll play a couple of games. We'll wind down. I get a text from old soup uncle Dale, big soupy and he says, Hey, what's going on? Where are you guys at? And I said, my text aren't going through because the service is bad. So I go, I'll just call him there. Call him and I hear, Oh, what's up there? He calls me outlaw since I was a kid. I used to be a man. Is that right? Oh yeah. That's adorable. He says, Hey, outlaw. And I say, Oh, Sue, his name's Campbell. I call him super. He calls. So that's our conversations. I love it. I go, soup. He goes outlaw. And so I go, Hey, soup. He goes, Hey, outlaw. And he goes, Where are you? I go, Oh, we just walked back down the arcade. He goes, We'll get your ass out of here.

We're on the amusement park. I go, Well, where should I put you? Where are you? He goes, I'm on the pirate ship. I go, What? I walk out. This son of a bitch is upside down on the phone. Wow. He's like, Oh yeah, we're back up here again. And I'm like, This is crazy. So it gives me a jolt. You know, a jolt. I love a jolt cola. I mean, this is a thumb right up the ass. And I go, Get down here. Let's go, baby. Yes. And now it's all cleared out. It's quiet because it's again, it's been raining all day. Right. And so nobody's going to go to amusement park when it's raining. We're there. So he comes off. He's got his wife and his sister-in-law and her kids. They come off and they go, Let's go to the roller coaster. And I'm like, Yeah,

first we ran the, we did the drop zone. And now it's under the cover of darkness. So everything's lit up the neon. We go up to the top of it and you just see the ferris wheel, the roller coaster. It's pitch black except for the neon. It just feels like America and joy. The kid is laughing and Sarah and I are giggling and Uncle Dale. I mean, we used to hang out all day every day. I barely get to see the son of an onion anymore. So we're going, Oh my God, now I got the jolt, the meetup Jolt, the drop zone Jolt, the light Jolt. Yes. We go, Let's go to the roller coaster, nighttime roller coaster. We're all pushing each other to bushes. I love it. We jog over the roller coaster as we're all jogging you here. Fireworks start going off.

I start crying Mark. I'm crying. I get chinkiva quiver cries. Oh my Lord. Because it's the generation, the kids, the kids are having fun, the adults and kids. When you see a kid and adult both having fun and it's America and you know, there's so many things I hate about the country, but I love it. The country's like family. Uh-huh. Isn't that similar? Yes. You're stuck with it. You're born with it. That you can't stand this about it. You can't stand that. The resentment, the anger, you wish you could change it, but you can't change it. But also it gives it. Burst is his last, his love, this baseball, this film, this sex. And you wouldn't have it any other way. You could have moved to Canada 20 years ago, but you didn't. Because you love it.

Exactly. It's in you. So family and country very similar. It's in me. So we get that. We get in line. We're standing in line for the roller coaster while a fireworks display is going off over this other ride called the riptide. So we look at the riptide. These kids are swinging around laughing right over the head. And there was no fireworks the night before. So they lit off both nights fireworks. So it's just bang, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. I'm crying like a fucking woman watching Bridges of Madison County. Yes. I mean, I'm hugging Sarah. I'm hugging Dale. I'm kissing all over. We get on the roller coaster. We hit the top. Fireworks still going off. We got down underneath. I mean, it was magical. Then we bump into Tuesday. What is that Joe

list over there? I go, Hey, it's me, you son of a bitch. I kiss him on the lips. His wife is fun. He's got kids running around. Then Sarah and I get on the roller coaster. Just the two of us. His wife is sitting there and she goes, Oh my God, Mike's gonna shit. I can't believe on the roller coaster with Joe list. I go, Well, get on back here. Join us. So she sits in our car. We got some selfies. What? I go, I'm going to give you a real treat. Sarah and I, we're going to take the best photo you've ever seen on a roller coaster. Hell yeah. So we come around for the photo. We're waving at big Mike over there on the roller coaster and then we take the camera. Sarah and I go model photo. We do dramatic. Oh, that's fun. So then they get it. She's in there

and we're back behind. So she buys it. She gives it to him. He starts crying. I blow him. Yep. So Tuesday's good to see a Mike and Gabby with her name. Good gab, gift to gab. Shout out Mike and gab. I cry like a little girl. One of the best nights of my whole life. Wow. I can see the whole thing in my head. It's like a Norman, Mark Norman Rockwell out here. Oh, it was something. Then this is a funny moment too, which I enjoyed. You might hate this. I don't know if you like it or hate it. Put it in my dick hole. So we're waiting for the photo and these two teenagers, they go, hey, let me see car number seven. They're like and the guy goes, oh, yeah, let me pull up car number seven and he just displays a cartoon of two donkeys like what he goes. That's you guys

right there. They gave the finger to the camera. So he gives him the donkey and he goes there. You guys are a couple of asses. All right, beat it and you can see them get a little shame. They were like good for that guy. He's like back. It was pretty fun. I like it. It was satisfying to see these two teeth with that. By the way, the finger. You just gave it to Greg, but such a hack thing. I know. They're taking our photo. Woo. All right. All right. We've seen it. I do it to the cat because he doesn't get it. I call him the n word and he doesn't care. But yeah, in a photo, it's done to death. We got it. You're a bad boy. Grow up. Well, some people do it. It's like this thing forever. If in each thing, you know, but you know, the roller coaster, you're like, what if we give

it the finger? You're like, shut up, your monkey. I was at a party once in college and I didn't know people were taking photos and I kept doing the finger. I did the finger like eight photos when the photos came out on Facebook. I was like, oh, what a nerd. Yeah. I'm doing finger at eight of them. Well, what can you do? I was young. I do think this is going to be, see how it's left and right? I think it's going to be one of us in each year. Well, Shelby gave me a real face time. We did the whole thing. So this is on you, Shelby. All right. Yeah. This one's on Shelby. Or Mark. Oh, God. Not me. Or the cat. But it used to go both sides. You see what I mean? When I talk, it's bigger on this side. And when you talk, check, check, it's bigger on that. Seaman. Yeah.

But I don't know what anything is. I don't know. It's a new zoom. I believe in it. Zoom, zoom. Boom, boom. Yeah. Well, I feel bad. You look rough. Sorry. I want to apologize for my disposition. Is that something? Yeah. Disposition works. I don't know what that is. Disposition means like your disposition, your mood. There's a sunny disposition. Yes. The guy that sits like this. That's a shitty disposition. Disposition. Some people are like, hey, everybody, come on in. Nice to see you. That's your disposition. I want to be that guy. But I'm in pain here. And then there's this disposition. Oh. Sticks. All right. I got it. I think you need some, you know, get some Tylenol cold. Maybe take a nap. That'd be nice.

Shower. No, no. Long shower. Tylenol cold. Close the eye. Maybe put some cold cloths on your eyeballs. Yeah, it sounds good. But here's the clinker as I got to go to Long Island with Veter to do a ice wide shut party. Some guy's paying us a couple of nice shekels to go do his birthday party. It's going to be a nightmare. Well, you'll be better by then, I think. I think what you need is a nice row. Get out of your hair. I think you got to fuck the cat. Yeah, please. Long hot shower. Little nap. Okay. You know, half hour. Okay. Get some more Tylenol and just keep hydrating. And then Veter will give you a little boost. True. You got to love the Veter. Do you remember these days? Look at me. I'm a mess. Well, I didn't get it from drinking three drinks.

I'll tell you that. I mean, you're like a lady. Lost my edge. Yeah, I know. I'm a wuss. Yeah, this is embarrassing. I got to say. But I think you might have a touch of something. Something's up. Yeah. I think I got COVID or AIDS or a scurvy. The cat is having a nightmare. Look at these ears. Are we getting a shot of this? He's having a conniption. It's fucking a catnip. A catnip. Yeah, there you go. There you go. Catnip. That's weird, huh? What is that? It's like a drug. It gets them all jolty. Speaking of jolts, but we had to stop doing it because he would just run around the apartment like a meth head. Oh, wow. Scary stuff. So we stopped, but he'll jump on the TV, he'll fight the plant, then he'll do a somersault and jump out the window.

He's already a little kooky. Oh, he's a nut. All right. Well, I'm afraid to hit stop, but this is, oh, I got a plug. Holy shit. I keep forgetting. Oh, plug. Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, July 30, 31st. I mean, this date has been moved 11 times. I was supposed to be there in March of 2020 and then in May of 2020 and then, you know, whatever. But July 30, 31st, Wise Guys, Salt Lake City, please come on my face. Yes. Fort Worth, Texas, August 6th and 7th. Yes. And then I'm off the rest of the time until September when I go to Bananas and Hasbrook Heights. I got Comedy Castle coming up, I think in September, October, Philadelphia, Helium. Get those tickets early. That's a big market in a small room. That'll sell out. Get those. That's September. I think,

I don't know. Somewhere. Hey, some good rooms on the docket there, Sloppy Jalopy. Very excited. Can't wait. And yeah, I think that's it for now. All right. All right. I want to big, big throw it out there. Big matzo ball. Doing the Netflix taping. Let's get all the gays out there. Let's get all the queefs out there. We got to pack this puppy out. August 4th. The link is on the blacklist.com or whatever. It's free tickets. Check it out. Get those gays in there. Let's really, really get up because this is going to be a big one. And I need you there because some of this material is a little edgy or whatnot. So I can't have any queefs in there just growing and moaning. So please, let's do it up. Get a ticket. Come on out. Make a night out of it. Go to an Airbnb

and blow your dad. August 4th. Blacklist.com. Give it a goog. And let's do a Netflix and then I'm on the road. Houston, Nashville, Portland. You name it. I can't wait for that August 4th. I'll be around. Chris Allen's in town. Yeah, he's coming. Yeah, that's no mistake, I'm sure. He's like, ah, just happened to be in town and the Netflix execs will be here. Well, what does he think? They're going to throw him on? Oh, it's licking my fucking airpods. Get out of here. Jesus, he looked at me. Oh, God. Oh, boy. I feel like fucking Gary Price over here. Did I get kicked away? Who? Ah, he's a goalie. Ah, yes. Price Waterhouse Cooper. All right. Well, this is going to be fun. That's going to be fun. Check it all out.

Subscribe, tweet, whatever. I don't know what to say. Get on the Patreon. Tell a friend that Chuck's kicking ass. We got a new Poughkeepsie episode out. I put my video of me drugged on the IV, which maybe I do an IV today. That might help me out. Yeah. So that's on the Patreon. It's private shit. Shelby threw it up soon. And yeah, you're missing out if you're not on it. It's better than NBC. MusqueefTV. Praise Allah. George is saying, God, I can't stop you going to do it. I got it. Look at this thing.