Tuesdays with Stories! - #410 Friendly Hots

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

Sheesh! It's a hot ep this week as Joe performs for some uber rich in Martha's Vineyard while Mark does a gig for a crazy rich guy before a big, major life event! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), Keeps (keeps.com/tuesdays), & Gabi (gabi.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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dot com slash Tuesdays to become a member and get 50% automatically taken off your first order with free shipping. One more time, that's Fields dot com slash Tuesdays and feel better. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with...

Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah. This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey, Na-Nani-Na-Nani. Folks, we're here. We're here. We're in Queens.

We're a couple of Queens. We're back in Queens, live from the unknown. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Hey, guys. By the way, guys. Look out there, guys. Ah, right there. Oh. All right. Let's get this secret weapon of the thing.

Mm-hmm. I'm not allowed a doll in my head. Oh, th finer than a star. Mm-hmm. Oh. I'm not a bad joker. Unbelievable. I'm not going to call a bad hand job.

Great film. Love it. Just obsessed with this movie, but I found a deleted scene. I didn't find it. It's on the DVD. It's on the DVD. Yeah. Or whatever, the iTunes.

Aha. And there's a scene where they're talking about, it's like a Seinfeld scene. I'll show it to you after. It's upstairs. But there's a deleted scene where they're on the boat and he goes, what are you going to call the boat, the charter company? He said, Chandler's Charters. And Casey Affleck's like, what a litteration.

He's like, that's embarrassing. Chandler's Charter. He's like, why start there? Why not Cherry Chandler's Charter? Charter. Oh, wow. And they do like a Jerry and Larry bit. Wow.

No wonder they cut it out. Oh, am I getting you nervous here with this tarantula? That's a little weird. I don't like something behind my head. I get it. I get it. Well, don't do anal. Because the whole thing is behind you.

Then that suck as a lady. You just got to, what's going on back there? I don't. I hear something. It's insane. I mean, I guess it's nice though if you've been married for a long time. Sure. Teaser.

And the lady gets to stare at the pillowcase so she can pretend she's fucking Mickey Mouse. Yeah. Yeah. Or Scooby Doo. Or My Little Pony. I got to stare at her back. I can pretend it's my father's back like I like. But still, I'm still a visual.

So that's the only sex other than eyes closed, I guess. Maybe that's why my lady loves a mirror in the sack. Because maybe she can see behind her. She's got like a rear view. She's adjusting it like a student driver. That's not bad. I like a mirror too because it feels like I'm watching porn or something. I just had a mirror situation in my hotel in Nantucket and I'm all mirror.

Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. You feel cool. You look cool. It's nice because it was a closet door with a mirror on the inside. So I had to adjust the door. And at one point I paused the fuck because the door had come a little close. So all I could see was my ass cheek.

Yes. I don't like any pimples and sex. So I had to adjust the door and come back. Yeah, I know it's an old hack gag, but they're jerking it with it when the guy, they show the guy enough with these porn. We've gone so far in porn. And then we're still right at the climax. You got to show the guy's mutton chops.

And I'm like, God, I'm holding it in trying not to jizz right when the guy's on screen. I hate a chop. I hate, yeah, I don't understand the close-up of the dick, the ball bag, the whatever. Unless it's gay porn. Sure. But. Strangers by the lake. Yeah, heterobe.

We got gay men. By the way, is the bird missing his head? Did his head fall off on that statue? Yeah, yeah. Just like marriage. No more head. Oh, no, it's tilted. I see.

It's a tilted head. Well, this is not fair for the folks at home here. Should I bring it on screen? Because it looked like it was missing a head, but it has a head. We got head back, folks. My beer's got a little head. By the way, this is not beer. This is liquid death, folks.

Not a sponsor, but I love this stuff. I'm ordering it by the caseload. Really? Well, it's exciting because you feel like you got a brew. It's cold, it's a can, and it's better for the environment. Ah, throw us a couple of clams. Will you, LD? Hey, liquid death.

I wouldn't kill you. I'm drinking this on three different podcasts. I wouldn't kill you to throw me a couple hundo, would you? Yeah, yeah, exactly. And by the way, liquid death, great name for diarrhea, I'd say. Good point. Ah, I have a point. When's the last time you had diarrhea?

Well, you know it's weird when I was a kid. If I got diarrhea, it was life-shattering. Like, oh, my God, I have diarrhea. I called the local congressman. But now I get diarrhea maybe once a week. Really? Yeah, well, it's a lot of booze going through. The booze goes in your body and just starts fucking shit up in there.

It's like a BLM riot. Yeah, you forget. A BLM riot. Yeah. Fine, we're back, folks. But I feel like I haven't seen you since 78. So much has happened. When did we record?

Oh, I don't know. It was before Cosby got out. So it's been a while. Was it one of those Fridays? We had to record on a Friday. Remember? Was it a Friday? Yeah, I think it was a Friday.

That's right. We're here on a Friday? It was a Friday or a Thursday maybe. It was a Thursday. It was a non-Monday because you went to Vineyard. That's right. It was the day before you left the Vineyard. You're right.

It all worked out. So anyways, I haven't seen you in a dog's age. Yeah, at Maine Coon's age. I got so much. I mean, should we get right in or should we blow each other? What do you think? I guess we should dive in because I feel like this is going to be a historic episode. Inhistoric.

A historic. The infamous. A historic. And historic. Yeah, but that's not a vowel. Yeah, you got that. But it's pronounced like a vowel. Yeah, well, hiss.

An historic. I think you could say it depends on how you pronounce it. I think it's A. A historic. Proper. But some people say it an historic because they say historic. Oh, like honest. You don't say the H.

You don't say honest. Good point. Uh-huh. I have a point. God, it must suck to be a foreigner coming here to learn the English language. It's a nightmare. It's all... Pipes.

Wacky. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, let's get into it because first of all, I flew over your head. You're 30,000 feet above your head, you lucky bastard. You son of a bitch or whatever. Yeah. Because you were in Martha's Vineyard. I went to Nantucket and their neighbors and rivals.

It was pretty interesting. Are they rivals? Well, in football, they used to be rivals. They're each an island. And so each, you know... Right. And Nantucket, they're... Nantucket's very exclusive, so Vineyard's like their country over there.

I see. And Nantucket, because it's exclusive or whatever word is proper and small, I think it's a little richer. Oh. But then the Vineyard's got the celebrities, but also the blue collars. Interesting. And so Vineyard's closer to the mainland, but Nantucket's a little cutier. Frank, I've spent some time in both.

Ultimately, I like Nantucket better, but the Vineyard's a little friendlier. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Why don't the celebrities live on the tuck? I don't know why no tuck. I don't know why... I think there's been a couple celebs there, maybe, but I think once the celebrities are like... What are they like?

Cut. Once one lives there, they go, I'll live there. They're sheep followers. Meryl Streep is over. Well, I don't want to necessarily make it negative because maybe they just want to be with a buddy. I see. It makes sense.

We like comedians. Yes, exactly. I mean, if you and Ari and Aaron Jackson move to Baltimore, I might go, hey, maybe I'll dip down to Baltimore. Hey, look at Austin. Look at Austin. I was just going to say, yeah. Ryan Austin Green.

I think there's maybe there's more space, too. I don't know. Nantucket, both special beautiful islands off the coast of Cape Cod, it's in Massachusetts. So I flew right the fuck over your head and I was like, there it is. I thought in my mind, isn't it weird to be looking at a large, I could see most of the island. I'm like, I can see you without seeing you. Yes.

Yes. You don't even know you're seeing me, but maybe you are. Yeah, you're in. I can't see the tops of heads, but I can see the space that you're inhabiting. Right. It's kooky and a little intrusive. I couldn't hear your conversation or anything. I didn't see the bottom of your feet when you were getting railed.

Probably for the best. I could have used you there, get a witness, but yeah, wacky time, but first I got to throw this nugget at you. So I had a gig in Syracuse. I got a couple emails about this, Syracuse funny bone, my least favorite funny bone, my least favorite city, Syracuse, you stink. It's tough. Yeah.

It's not great. It's a tough go out there in the Sierra. So this guy hits up my agent and goes, hey, I'm a record exec. I got a bazillion dollars. I'm richer than anal. Your guy to do some yuck-um-ups at our birthday party, and it was big money, me and Roy Wood June. Whoa.

Yeah, co-headlining. Whoa. So I go, hey, I'm in, fuck's here, let's go to the rich guy, and it's on the Hamptons in Montauk or wherever the hell it is, and they go, can you get an opener? We'll give him 10 bucks, I mean, 10 minutes, a thousand bucks, and I said, let me call the veater. Wow. 10 minutes, a thousand bucks.

Yeah, and he's got a car, so we're off and running. The veater's like, I'm in, Fetty. Here we go. I fucked my kid. He threw his kid in a dumpster. We jump in the car. I text Roy Wood. I'll see you there, dickless, and he goes, oh, I canceled that.

And I was like, huh? What? And he cancel, he goes, ah, I got a thing, and plus it looked a little shady. So we start googin'. Turns out this guy's a real, like out of succession, just like a Gadspeed, you know, real, real man about town, player, prostitutes, whores, drugs. So I said, let's go. Okay, he's like an Epstein.

Yes, he's an Ep. So great Ep, and we hightail it out there, and I text my old fat friend Eric Mann. And I go, hey, he's got the video camera. I say, get your ass in the back seat. We're going out to this wacky gig, and it's going to be an adventure. Okay. So we got a video camera, we get all lobbed up, the veater's sitting on a phone book, we're driving out to the Hamptons, and this is the day I saw you, and we did a pod, and

I got to apologize for being wildly hungover. I couldn't even get up. I was shit in water, talking about diarrhea. I had a miscarriage. Yeah, that was rough. Woo, I couldn't even open one eye. My dick was bleeding. It was a hellish, hellish hangover.

So we jump in, veater's car, we drive out there. This was the wackiest gig, it's in a school, what do you call it, elementary school. On the Hamptons, in Montauk, rich ass school, one of these places where the school looks like a museum. It's for like 10 year olds, they don't need this African sculpture here that's worth 10 mil. Are you fascinated by wealth, you just see it, you're like, this is wild. I was just in Nantucket, 2.4 million is the average household.

That's average. That's average. They had to put in low income housing, I think we talked about this last time I was in Nantucket, low income housing, $475,000, that's the cheapest house on the island. That's low income. Low income, because it's all from scale. You take the average and you find like one tenth of the average, $475, that's a slum. That's appalling.

What is about an island? It just shows we want to get away from people, look at first class, get me away from those idiots, everything rich, private jet, get me away from those psychos, island, private. Shelter Island, Nantucket Island, Martha's Vineyard Island, Treasure Island, yeah, the other one, Block Island. But I get it, it's hard because you're like, fuck these rich people, I hate these people, but then you're like, well I'd like to live here. Of course, of course.

I'd like to live here. I'll get more into that later, but anyways it's so fascinating that even the elementary school feels like a university. Yes, it was very university. You know when you watch Breakfast Club when you're a kid, you're like, who's going to this school as it exists? Well look at this library they have. Yeah, it's like two floors.

Yeah, it blew my mind. We had a bookshelf and a slinky and there was lead paint everywhere. But either way, place is crazy, they throw you a crazy meal, the guy comes up, turns out it's a 70s disco themed roller party. Whoa. So we're going all in, baby. We get into the showroom, prostitutes as far as the dick can queef. Come on, are they prostitutes or are they sexy ladies in small shorts?

Well, you get a look at the guy who's partied is, he looks like a bridge troll with glasses. I mean, he's an old Jew, he's a millionaire, he's one of these guys, he's got so much money to burn that he's like a sultan almost, but he's about 4'1", he looks like a mole man, he's got glasses on and a bald head and he's just so loaded that no one cares, the girls go up and kiss his head and they talk to him like a retard, but he's loaded, he's a millionaire, a billionaire. These women love money, how come no one ever gets to talk about this? What's going on there?

Yeah. Many people talk about it. Well, I always say, I don't always say, but I think with Richard Branson and Bezos, the space is going to have a couple of hookers up there soon, it's going to have a bunch of gold diggers in space. Does it help you at all? Great movie. And show business where you put out a video and you go, oh, it only got 3,000 views, my

father hates me, I got six thumbs down. Does it make you feel any better that Richard Branson flew to space and nobody gave a shit? Nobody gave, I mean, we all made jokes, but who gives a fuck? I mean, doesn't it make you feel like nobody's, I clicked on it by accident. I was watching the soccer match there and I said, eh, it's halftime, I'll check out NBC News. I will say it annoys me that no one gives a shit because our priorities are all out of whack because if Richard Branson got caught saying the n-word at a baseball game, that

would be, that would take over the airwaves, but he goes to space and we're like, eh, what are you going to do? Exactly. It's a great point. I have a point. That's point two. Two points. But I was just saying the same thing and everyone hates rich people, they're like, oh, he's just

rich asshole, there's this and that and I'm like, well, what do you want him to do? He's going to space. It's still pretty cool. They literally, I'm watching NBC and they're like, well, hopefully these, the gatekeepers, we keep an eye on the gatekeepers to space. I'm like, what are we going to do? We're going to bring homeless people to space. He's rich.

He worked hard. He got some space. I hate to be this guy. I'm with you. I'm with you. Who gives a shit? What gatekeepers? Everyone deserves to go to space now?

I'm okay. I can't afford to go to space. I'm all right. Not going to space. I hate space. I don't need any space. NASA's weird. I hate an alien.

It's the best month and nobody gave a fuck. I know. Spaceballs is overrated. Illegal aliens. Spacebar. It's just, it's enough. Let him go to space. See if he can afford it.

You can't. Who gives a shit? You don't need everything. There you go. And stop worrying about people. If he didn't have all the money, they wouldn't care. If some poor guy, like some rapper who was broke from Atlanta was like, I'm going to space. Everybody like, good for you.

But if the rich guy goes, everybody hates him. Yeah, I don't get it. But anyways, the point is he went to space and it had like, you know, 50,000 viewers. So. Wow. That's low. I mean, I just made that number up. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

But my point is, you know, you put out a sketch and it gets 20,000 views. That's not bad. No. Branson's in space doing backflips and fucking his mother. Right. And it didn't even make the evening news. Yeah. Well, there you go.

I mean, I don't know if these rich guys, I get it. You want to go do shit. You're rich. And no one tells you no's. So you're like, I'm going to space, but there's nothing to buy up there. Once you get there, you're like, I guess I'm just normal. I'll just go back. Yeah.

You can buy a Nantucket house. I think they were there for like four minutes. I guess it's the final frontier, according to Captain James Titz Kirk. Sure. Sure. All right. Well, space, race, space, Gweef, where the hell is that time? Oh, so the space roller coaster.

Yeah. So I'm in this party, 70's themed, and I go, I'm with Vita and my buddy Mann. And he's like, that's a prostitute, that Eric Mann. That's a prostitute, that's a prostitute. I'm like, how do you know? How do you know? And you can see, because they would just go up to random guys and go, how are you doing? What do you need something?

Do you need anything? How are you feeling? You good? You want to dance? I like your suit. These women wear smoke shows, and they're going up to randos going like fat, ugly, old guys. Hey, I like your tie.

What do you do? Ah, interesting. So you could just tell they were too friendly, which is not great for the plight of hot chicks when you see one be friendly and you're like, something's up. This is friendly hots. All right. Couple. I'd like to meet them.

But yeah, so just a wild gig, and Vita goes up, eats the biggest bag of toe cheese I've ever seen in my life. The poor little guy, he's four foot two, he's bald headed, he's got kids, and man they hated him. Now are the patrons roller skating at this point, or do they take the skates off? I think a lot of people are sitting at this point, and with skates, some skate, some no skate. There's a lot of booze going around, so technically that's drinking and driving.

But he goes up, and I was like, well, maybe they're waiting for the headliner. So he had such a bad bomb, and I would say this in front of him, the birthday boy goes up, the old Jewish guy, and he goes, wow, this is bad folks, we've got to be a little nicer, we've got to give it up more, we've got to help these guys out, this is a tough gig, and so then they bring me on, and I start riffing and raffling a little with them because they need a little riffing, and they kind of start to congregate more, and then I'm like, all right, I think I got them, I go in a material, and then I die for a good 28 minutes, and it was just a gruesome, brutal death.

I walk out there, and they had a bunch of grips, because it was a huge stage with a huge production. All these grips were like, you good, man, like older black guys in like, wife beaters and cargo shorts, like, you all right, man, you all right, don't worry about that, like they were so nice, but they knew I was in hell. Jesus. That's a bad bomb. So we get off, and the prostutes are very nice to us, hey, you're good, don't listen

to these idiots, I'd take it up the ass for a living, I know what you're going through, it's like, thank you, whore, and then we just, I got drunk, we ate all the hors d'oeuvres, it was bananas, and now we're like a couple hours in, and we're kind of doing the, we should leave, but this is such a sight to see, the whores on skates, and the old Jewish guy getting blown, and this guy comes up and he goes, hey man, I thought you were funny, I got a gift for you, I got the best molly in New York, I keep it in a jar of honey, you want some, and I was kind of keyed up, and I'm like, all right, give me some molly, and he takes a big scoop of this honey molly, puts it in my mouth, and he rolls away, and

they go, what are you doing, you just said a whole episode about the green Hulk, and I go, I spit it all out. Oh my God, what is, how are you getting these gigs, these molly gigs and the Hulk gigs, these gigs suck, who's your agent? Well, the money was great, and it was a story, I got a story. Oh my God, honey and molly, what the fuck is this? Best molly, apparently on the plan, I mean I didn't get any effects, because I yacked it up real quick, but then he goes up to the old Jewish, this guy must have been 78 years

old, he goes, there you go, he took a slice. What kind of life are these people living, I mean what is the honey by the way, you put molly and honey? Yeah, you can make molly, it's like a weed brownie, with molly and honey. Oh, I never heard of such a thing, I don't know much about the molly scene, but you don't take it from an old bag, stranger Jew fella in Riverhead. He was younger, but yeah, it's just these billionaires are so bored, the rods and cones are all numb, because they've seen it all, they go to space.

This is wacky, please stop sticking molly up your ass for God's sake, I mean you shit it out. I had a tiny mouth in my head and I went, get rid of it, and me and Vita, we shook hands, we made a pact, we pinky promised, we touched dicks and we left. Alright, wow, so you got the money at least. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, have you talked to Roy and said you really dodged a bullet or did you say hey, you missed a good bullet?

I said you missed a hell of a party, I'm glad I didn't go fuck it, because it was an excursion, it's one of these things, you go hey, it's a crazy story, but it's a six hour drive total and you know, you get home at two in the morning or whatever the hell, so it was a bitch. And most gigs, once you have the money, it all pats its life, it all is like that sucked, this ate it, I ate it, you know, whatever, and then you leave and you go that wasn't so bad, it was fine or whatever. That's true, it's true, and I try to look at life that way, because you know people go, you know people think flying is a big deal, we fly every goddamn weekend twice a weekend,

sometimes they lay over and they go, alright you tired, oh my god, take a night off, you flew and you're like, eh, I sat in a seat in the sky. Ah, I gotta say, I do hate the flies, a lot of stuff, you got a headache, stressful, but I gotta tell you about a hell of a flight I had. Alright, well I had to get that crazy drug fueled horror story out. That was a buffer, that was a little, we dipped our toes, I can't see the clock, I like to see the clock. 22, 23, so yeah, you just write in my mouth and see if it tastes good.

Well, you know what I mean, I like the starter sentence, you know what I mean. People do that. You know what I mean? I don't. So I had, you know, I had, way back in the day, we did the tour with Louie and the Schumer with the private jets and the things and the hotels. The PJs. So, what's that?

That's what the kids are calling the private jet. Oh, PJ, I think Pearl Jam. I see, I think pajamas. Oh yeah, or PB and J. Ah-ha, good saying. Jelly. Peanut and jelly, I guess. That doesn't sound good.

It's like a jelly bean. Ah yeah, jelly belly. It's weird that the butter, I guess that's two words. Peanut butter. Yeah. PB and J. So peanut butter is not one word. No, it's two, it's two.

Peanut sounds like two, but that's one. It's like four words. Peanut but her. Well, now you got an H in there. Good point. Well, anyways, so I had, look, I had this, the foot was over the line. Steph Curry.

Which ever the way the line went. By the way, the NBA finals, are they going to end any time soon? What the fuck's going on? People are like, hey, NBA game fives and I am like, are you kidding? It's August. What does that mean? Usually this ends June. Oh.

I mean, it's fucking. It's climate change. I mean, we got to press on. I got it. It's dark at like 5 30 p.m. The NBA finals are still going on. I think it's the Delta variant who can keep up. It's very straight.

I don't understand. Everyone's like, I have the best athletes in the world. They got four days off between every game. Wow. Is that good or bad? That's bad. It's ridiculous. Bad.

Hockey is every other day. What basketball? They got three days and then they're like, wow, they're traveling. I'm like, it takes three days to go from Milwaukee to Phoenix. Yeah, right? In two hours. What are they? Columbus?

They could drive. To the hoop. Anyways, so I got and I don't, I got to be careful not to repeat too much because I'm going to talk about the Nantucket Comedy Festival and I've been twice before and I just go head over heel. I throw my ankles up over my head and shove all the dicks in my ass every time I go to Nantucket. Hell yeah.

It's the greatest fucking place on earth. Best festival ever. Wow. And so they didn't have it for two years and the last time I went, I went two years in a row because I went and then they're like, next year we'll have Sarah. So then I went with Sarah. So I got two years in a row. They're like, we'll have you next year again and then it didn't happen and then COVID and

the whole thing. So this year it's back much smaller but we got the invite and I feel so happy to get the invite. I got to get into this little circle. Oh, it's something. You do one. It might not be for you. There's no money and you do one 10 minute set over the course of six days.

So it might trigger you a little bit. Okay, okay. But it's quite a trip. It's quite a place and so Kevin Flynn runs the whole damn thing. Great guy, funny guy. Just a classic guy. So this is the lineup, Kevin Flynn, Jackie Flynn, Don Gavin, Tom Connor, me, it's like the white Irish Catholic fest.

It's like a Patty's parade. It was great. I mean, it was just melanoma everywhere, just a sea of blonde eyelashes everywhere. It was beautiful, tiny dicks, a lot of laughs, great, great one-liners, comebacks. Oh yeah. I mean, is there anyone funnier than a straight white Irish guy from Boston? Come on, folks. It's hard to beat.

It's just, I'm rolling on the floor laughing. Hey, Justin McKinney was another one. No, what a Mick. Oh, McKinney. I love McKinney. I hadn't seen him since in a fortnight, but, uh, man, it's a couple of leprechauns. We had, I don't know where to start, but I'll just get, we had a crate of hang and then Don Gavin's over there, legend, Don Gavin, check out his album live with a Manhattan.

He probably put out an album. So funny. One of the best ever. Killer lunch. He watched over the party. They go, Don, we were just calling you. He goes, what were you calling me? Come on.

It's just on. He's on. It's fucking funny. But anyways, Is he still hitting it hard? Oh, well, he's taking a break. He was a little sick. I think he's having a couple of cocktails there, but, uh, I mean, he's like 74 years

old and headline the show just brings the heat, but I'll get to that. Okay. Can't wait. We're doing the gig, Nantucket comedy festival and you fly trade winds air. You ever fly trade wind? I don't like the sound of that. No, it's a good, good sound hell of a thing. So trade wind, that sounds like a bad thing.

Like a couple of people farting out of the trade and wind. I think trade wind means something. I think it's like sailing or sounds Native American, frankly, fair winds trade trade with something, but it's one of these. It's charter charter. It's cheery charter Chandler. I pretend to know a charter means that means it's private. You buy it.

I think charter means you pay somebody to take you. You charter fishing means you, me, Kramer and the butler each pitch in a few hundred bucks. We give it to a guy and he takes us out and we do, we do whatever he wants. Oh, that sounds horrible. I mean, we, he does whatever we want. All right. That's better.

Yeah. So it's, you know, you charge a prostitute. Exactly. There you go. All right. So it's charter flight, but I also never knew what it was. This is all context, by the way. I might have it wrong.

It might just be a flight that leaves during the day. I'm not sure. It sounds good. I've heard it. Get the charter bus. Yeah. Bus though. Charter.

No good. You charter a bus. You charter a bus. I've heard that. We had enough money. We say, why don't we charter a bus? Yes. That's different than taking a bus.

Yes. You could take or you could charter. Yeah. When I were doing a Seinfeld bit. Well, that's what the whole show is. That's true. Good point. I mean, I don't want to bust anyone's bubbles here, but anyway, so the charter are playing

for us. Thank you. Chatter. Trade win. Trader Joe. Yeah. New England clam charter. And so we get there and you got to go to million air.

What's called? Boy, they don't mince anal over there. What? Well, I mean, we're a bunch of rich people in the Tucket. We're millionaire. Well, this is in white planes. We're also rich. Oh, okay.

Also wealthy, but some aren't wealthy in white planes. No, no diversity there. Or Westchester. White planes is a good name for an airline. The planes are white. That's nice. I like that. It'd be funny if they made them orange.

Kind of like ironic. We call it white planes. Anyway, we ran out of paint. So we go to white planes. We drive up there and it's such a different world when you're chattering a flight. Because they're like, it's white planes. They go, so what do I do? I leave my car.

Is there a car service? They go, no, no. You park your car for free. Free parking. Wow. An airport unheard of. Free parking. So we drive up to white planes and you ever do this?

They give you the address for the secret saucy airline. Trade wins. And so I plug it into my Google Maps and this is where I want to fucking kill myself sometimes. The lady who runs the festival says, type in this address and go to this place and park for free. Okay. So I go, okay. I plug it in.

We're pulling up and I didn't leave myself enough time because I'm getting places too early. I'm trying to work on my OCD, my anxiety. I'm always five hours early. I feel like you hate me. I text you. I'm like, I'm here if you're ready. I don't hate it.

I worry about you. You're losing life. I'm there three and a half hours early. Well, I have a good life. I just walk around. I blow a couple of homeless people and give them a buck. I try to their asshole. So I'm like, I'm not going to get there too early, but then I'm freaking out.

It's worth it getting there early. We get there. I pull up to the address and it says, take a right here and there's a sign that says, what's the thing called? The tower. Ah, yes. What's that? Where they go like this.

So you go, hey, bring it in, bring it in. Flight control. Flight control. It says flight control and then it says some other mumble jumble. And as I'm turning, I go, what? That's the flight tower. I can't go to the flight tower. I just go to the main, it says main terminal this way with an hour.

And it says tower, fucking flight tower. Take a right. Some of the else take a right. And I just freak out. I'm like, what am I going to do? I can't drive to the tower. Yeah, they won't let you over there anyway. So it says main terminal.

I'm like, I'll just go to the main terminal. So then the thing says correcting, it says eight minutes. I just added eight minutes. I hate that. I get to the main terminal. I'm like, we'll walk in. We'll figure it out on foot. We walk in.

It's like TSA everything. It's a regular airline. Oh boy. TSA this, TSA that, you know, whatever. Delta. So I go, variant. So I go, hey, how do I get to the private, the charter flight? She goes, oh, you're in the wrong place.

No, I hate hearing that. And he goes, you got to go talk to little Miss Muffin upstairs. Oh, not Muffin. I go upstairs with the two suitcases. Sarah and I, I talk to a lady. She's at the desk. And I go, hey, I'm looking for a million air. And she's like, oh yeah, yeah, it's close.

I go walking distance. She goes, no, walking distance. She's like, you got to, you got to, there's a different parking lot. You got to get back in your car. My flight is chartered. We're leaving at 1240. It's like 1208. Oh.

So I'm like, fuck, I got to get over there. So she starts explaining. I'm like, I got the address. So we run back downstairs. I'm yelling at Sarah. I'm calling her mother a cunt. We jump in the car, throw the suitcase in the back seat, peel out, drive all the way back to the original address that I had, but I fucking hate myself.

So I question it. Why did you question? Because the sign said flight deck or whatever. I was like, that can't be me. Who am I crazy? It didn't say millionaire or anything. I drive back. Of course I have the exact address is right.

Drive over there, park for free. I pull my suitcase off the seat. It drags brown shit everywhere. I hate the brown shit. I wiped my suitcase through brown shit. By the way, I haven't had to clean. You're about to be sitting in there about a half hour. I'll put a towel down.

So there's brown shit everywhere. I'm like, I got dog shit on my car seat. I just got it cleaned. I'm going to Nantucket for five days. It's going to be boiling in the sun in the free parking. It's going to cake. It's going to cake. I'm going to have cakey brown shit caked in my car.

Good band. I can't worry about it. Love that band. So we go over there. I come running in like an asshole. My hair is on fire. My shit's falling out of my asshole. And I go, are we too late?

And they go, what? It's a charter flight. What are you talking about? You must be Joe and Sarah. The pilot takes our suitcase. He's like, all right, we'll bring it on. I haven't flown like this since the Louis days. We sit in the fucking thing.

It's like big leather seats. They have Starbucks tea. Help yourself. What? Emperors, clouds, jade citrus, mint, the whole thing, free nuts, like 20 cents a nut. I know. So they're free.

We walk on with one of the lady who hated us. It was like us too. And this one of the fat lady who was living in Nantucket, she hates us. I was wearing sweatpants. No. I can tell. I didn't like her vibe.

No more nuts. But we get on there. We sit in the front row. And then the pilot closes the little thing. It's a single prop plane. It's like a jet. It's like the one airplane. The pilot starts it by spinning it like this.

What about the fat lady? She might take you down. Well, she's in the back. We had to disperse our way, because two of us equaled one of her. Sure. So I sit in the front row and I can see the cock. I'm looking right at the cockpit.

I can see 48.06894. Yeah. And I don't want to blow a pilot. Any time I see a guy in those white and blacks with the little douchey shoulder crap and they got their hair combed, they look great. Quaft. Quaft even.

And they got the hat. I mean, they're really sexy. I mean, that's an eyes wide shut when the pilot's fucking kid men. Woo. I love a kid. Forget a minute, man. So it was just beautiful.

And so we sit in the plane. We fly in. Private's all bumpy and hunky dory. Land in Nantucket. And just the greatest week of my life. Wow. I love Nantucket. And then all the same shit from last time.

We rented bikes. We didn't even rent bikes. The hotel we were staying at, Jared Coffin. Coffin House, a little off-putting. They had free bikes every single day. We got our bikes. We went out to Skonset Beach. We went out to Nantucket Beach.

Three days in a row. Seven mile bike ride each way. Wow. Eat net millies, Tex-Mex with the view of the ocean. Fog, the ocean. We swam in the ocean every day. And it's just spiritual. It heals.

It heals. I mean, I'm just out there because of climate change. It's like bathwater. I was swimming in Maine the week before. It's 48 degrees, literally. This water is like 65. I'm floating. You're so buoyant.

Yes. And it's just magical. I got to move to the beach. Or the beach will come to us, whatever it is. But I swim in the beach. I feel alive. I feel healed. I feel cured.

It's just the best feeling in the fucking world. There was some nice three-foot swells coming in. You let those rock in and roll you. It's spiritual, Jerry. It is. It is. The world is talking to you. I just love it.

I loved every minute of it. And I'll get into some of the shows and the what-nots. But I'll just tell you this real quick. Yep, yep. Every night at the festival, people might remember this from a few years ago, but they take you all these rich people. They're socialites.

They live in the Upper West. They go to the Nantucket for the summer. They're these kind of people, the martinis. And they've got 27 bedrooms and the huge shit. We go to the after-party. You're going to shit on my asshole. Oh, boy, I'm nervous. We go to the after-party.

And the house is huge house, big old house, 15 bedrooms, 19 bathrooms. And it's one of these. They have foosball set up, ping pong, the big pool, huge pool, deep end, in-ground, the whole thing. Then they've got a fireplace next to the pool. You ever seen a pool and a fireplace? No, too close, water and fire.

Wow, this is 50 feet, whatever, captain planet. Then there's a huge TV, like a 48 inch. What's big? Is that big? Nah, I think that's pretty standard. You're going to get this in the 70s. Maybe it's 70. It's going to be 80, whatever.

It's like three TVs, but one TV. I see. Huge TV, fireplace, pool. And then they've got like pearl jam on the thing. I'm like, you've got to be shitting me. Then they've got a taco stand all set up. You go down, you get your tacos. Holy hell.

Then there's a bar, open bar. There's an ice cream bar, free bar. You're tickling my taint. Roseanne bar. You got ice cream, booze, pool, taco, fireplace, TV. A lady comes up and says, well, I wanted to have the Red Sox game on, but it got canceled because someone has COVID.

Pearl jam's playing. She's telling me about the Red Sox, and she goes, I don't want to be weird. I'm a huge Tuesday. Oh, I'm shitting blood. I can't believe it. You like that? That's cold.

A Tuesday. That's lunch. A Tuesday has a house on Nantucket. It's the size of fucking my mother's debt. I mean, it's huge. I can't believe it. What is this high class coos doing listening to the gays? I go, are you kidding me?

Did someone put you up to that? Did Galvin give you 20 to say that? I'm looking around like there's going to be a camera. Aston Kutcher's going to be blowing my father. Oh, yeah, probably. You got punked. I mean, it's crazy. I'm like, a Tuesday, are you kidding?

And she's a beautiful lady, I'm gonna add. I'm like, you got to be shitting me. Tuesday. I can't believe it. It's not an act. I'm like, I'm getting tacos and dumping them in my head and stuff. Woo.

Got to give her a show. Yeah, I'm dancing. I dove in with the t-shirt that looks like a suit, you know that thing. But anyways, she sees a Tuesday and she said, if you need anything, take my number if you want to borrow surfboards or bikes or anything. What does she do?

I got to ask. I have no idea. Hopefully she's a Patreon member at $100 a month for God's You better be a crazy cook. You got to match it on the tuck. Don't mention it, but I got to leave it there because we got to do some acts, right? We got to do some acts, man.

Thanks to Queen Bee or whatever the hell her name is, Aretha Franklin, but. Forget her name, Michelle, I think, or something. Kudos to you. Nice to have a gay in the Nantucket Island. I can't believe we made it that far. Well, it blows you away. I mean, a female Tuesday is rarer than a diamond.

And this lady's a wealthy Tuesday. I mean, this is the Illuminati. I thought go pack Joe was the wealthiest and he's a joke compared to this. Well, he might be a lady. Who knows? Hey, Tuesday's brought to you by Keeps. Keeps, we're all scared of losing our hair.

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We got a ton. I got too much to go. I know, I got a lot too. But you take over because everyone knows something coming in their mother's twat here. So we got to keep it going. And then we got a gig out in Long Beach, which we're going to film.

Our Fred Patrick Holbert is subbing in for Chuck slash Salicus. So get excited, get on the Patreon today. You can get on there for as little as four or five bucks. Here, here. And we're going to do a bonus right after this. Then we're heading to Long Beach with Ryan Reese and Sarah's coming along too.

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Yep. And throw us a couple of clams for God's sake. Please, great entertainment, hot gay sets. And we're going to go film one tonight. So more stuff is coming at ya, queefs. Here we go. So you're in the tuck. I'm in the vin.

Martha's vineyard, first time there. Very excited. The lady is out there. I go the next day. She's with the whole family. They rent this crazy house. Flying there is a bit of a pain in the cock. Trade wins.

I should have gone. I did. Now they got Cape Air. I know Cape Air. Cosby likes Rape Air. But hey, who's counting? So I got a sweet Delta flight. It's an hour flight.

JFK, right over there. Course the flight's delayed. Three hours. Fog? Yep. Mm. Yeah. So you get to the airport at 10.

Your flight's at 11. Now the flight's at 2. You get there at 3.30. You lose the whole day. Hate the day, loss. Yeah. Yeah. So they're going, where are ya?

They're out on the beach. They got the sun in their cocks and then their piss hole. And they're doing all the castles of sand and drinking high noons out there. They're like, where are you missing out? Taking selfies. They're in a big hat and glasses. I'm like, ah, I'm at Hudson News over here.

So finally we fly in and you're pissed because you're like, I'm sweaty. I'm gay. I'm losing the day. And right when you hit that, right when you get on that island, you look at, you lift that shade, you go, holy shit. What am I? It's like Jurassic Park.

Just the rolling hills, the foliage. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da. John Williams. Yeah, he's very good. Yes. John Williams better at his job than anyone else is at any other job. That's my opinion.

I mean, is there anyone better? Superman, Indiana Jones, Star Wars. Martha's Vineyard. What? Jaws. Jaws. Come on. So I get there.

I jump in an Uber. It was like $8,000. They're like, kind of annoying. They wouldn't pick me up. But they're like, come meet us here. They're just so in it. They're in La La Land. I don't care for that move.

I don't love it. Finally, I get a $28,000 Uber. I get to this bar. They're all at this bar. It's cornhole. It's volleyball. It's just spread out Adirondack chairs. And just a fire pit.

It's magic. Magical. New England's the best. I'll blow anybody that says any different. Beautiful. The airport jizz rolls right off your back and down your crack. And you're just in it, Jerry. I mean, you are in the vineyard.

Beautiful place. Do you know you de-board on the stairs? Isn't that fun? Love the stairs. You're right on the tarmac. Same terrain wind. It's so exciting. You're just there.

The planes are coming right at you. It's like 3D. Exactly. Tarmac. So tarmac. Tarmac. Yeah, so we get out. We drink it up.

I'm immediately drunk. I get there and I'm already buzzing. It's just my fantasy. And we go, hey, we're going to go back to the house. You see this house? It's like the real world. They go pick your bedroom, whatever you want. There's 8 million floors.

There's 8 million rooms. It's $1 million. There's a backyard. Outdoor shower. You've got to have that in the beach, because otherwise you're traipsing your sand all through. Good point. But I'd never had an outdoor shower.

And man, that's something fun about that. You're fucking there. You get a little piece of icing on your belly button. You go, I'll hit the outdoor. That's nice. It's nice. So yeah, just a great time. Crazy house.

So now I got this diamond ring burning a hole in my pocket. Well, take me back to the beginning here, because when did you get it? When did you pick it out? Where did it come from? Because if you remember, I had my cat bird story. A bunch of women were quite cunty to me, a cat bird, because I thought they were going to blow me.

And they hated me. Did you have anything like that? I mean, get me to this ring. I don't, you're skipping the, I'm skipping rings. The factory. Give me, give me the factory. OK, OK, so I knew I want to do it there. So the lady is always up my asshole about when

are you going to pop it? We're getting older. I'm not getting any younger. Our kid's going to be retarded if you keep waiting, whatever. So I was like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Quit nagging me, yakuza. And once I heard, hey, we're going to the vineyard,

I'm like, I'll do it there. That's special. It's different. We're not just in my dumb apartment. I'm on a knee. The cat's licking my sack. It's not as fun. Sure, the cat's scary.

Yes. I almost brought him here, by the way, just for continuity. I had Steve Rogers' cat earlier. I'm eating peanut butter, and he's like, oh, careful. He likes peanut butter. And he's scratching at my balls the whole thing. Ah, PB. I hate these cats.

I don't get the cat. Well, you know, Greg likes you. A man doesn't have a cat, I'm sorry. I'm a little old school. It's her cat. Well, whatever. What about a guinea pig? I don't like Italians.

But either way, so the sister, the girlfriend's sister is married, and her husband's this Italian guy. And he's got a guy for everything. You need a welder, you call Keith. You need a guitar, you call Keith. Do you need a guy whacked, you call Keith. Do you need a whack-off, you call Keith. He does or he knows someone?

He knows everybody. He's all connected. So I go, hey, hey, I think I'm popping the big anal. I need your help. And he goes, I'm already ahead of you. What do you want? Give me the size, the make, the model, the brand, the race, the ethnicity.

And I go, I don't know anything. So now I got to get into cahoots with the sister. Now, she's like, this is what she likes. She's a bit of a weirdo. She's got a fat ass. She's got some labia issues. I would go here, here, here. She hates the Jews.

Boom, bang, bang. We tell the ring guy, he's a big mook. He's like, I love it. I'm all about love. And I want to bring people together. He's like, I got the best job. I go, hey, pipe down there, whoppy. Now, is this on the vineyard?

This is in New York. This is all ahead of time. He has to go to Africa, kill the black kid, take it out of a diamond hole, or blood, and Leo, and all these people. So this is a process. So he's doing it special or you're shopping around? He's doing it classy.

I got you. But yeah, it's all special. But nobody knows or I don't know if the ladies know. Like they go, hey, when are you going to propose? It is a hoop jump, baby, to get to this. It's tricky because you've got to talk to the sister, but then you don't trust the sister because the sisters are always like between you and me, it's coming.

Exactly. Because she calls crying going, oh, Elizabeth, he won't call. And then she goes, don't worry, don't worry. He talked to Fred, and Fred's talking to the Jew. Exactly, exactly. So I'm talking, I'm in the outdoor shower. I can hear over the fence, when are you going to propose?

You come guzzling Nazi? Anytime today, I'm not getting any younger. I got crow's feet, my vagina's broken. So I got a little smirk going, like, oh, you have no idea. It's fun. Yeah, so I kept trying to do it. I was like, maybe we'll go out to Gay Head, which is a part of the vineyard, or maybe we'll go to the carousel.

And I was like mapping it out because it was my first time in the vineyard, so I had to think quick. I was on my toes the whole time, like, that's a good spot. Maybe that. How do I break away? How do I get over here? How do I get the family out? So we kept doing events.

And I was like, I got this giant bulge in my pocket and a ring in the other one. And I was like, I'm going to do it here. But then her brother's there. I'd want to do it around anybody. No, of course not. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing.

And it takes away, if they're like, oh, I do it out, whatever it is. I don't know. I hate family. I hate all of it. Hate it all, the whole thing's a nightmare. But just such a special island. So I go, all right, it's like a couple days had gone by.

We're making dinners, we're swimming in the ocean, we're beaching, we're doing whatever. So I'm like, I'm leaving Thursday to go to Toledo, the biggest 180 on the planet, by the way, the vineyard to Toledo. Yeah, that's tough. Tough, tough Toledos. So I go, shit, it's now Wednesday.

I haven't done it. I'm leaving tomorrow. That's the day I flew over your head. You lucky bastard. That's right, you son of a bitch. So I go, it's got to be today. So I'm going, I, and here's the problem with groups. I'm jumping all over here.

But everybody goes, what are you doing today? You got any plans? Oh, we're going to go to the beach. Maybe I'll go to the beach. Can you go to the beach later? Because I got to actually do this little podcast or whatever the hell you're like, I'm going to the beach. You want to come?

You come. No more commiserating. You're telling me. I talked about it last week. I had 48 people in Maine. That was our group. 48? God, that's appalling.

If I sold 48 in a comedy club, I'd be thrilled. Of course. That's how many people are in our group. Oh. Literally, I said, I'm going to stand up at a board. Do they have 40 stand up at a board? Get the fuck out of here. Oh my God.

You turned Maine in the Emeril Isle over there. What the hell do you do with 48, the first 48? It's horrendous. Anyways. Good show. So I'm sorry. It's not great. So I go, I got to get away from these people.

And I go, I am getting a moped. And you're going to sit on the back of it. And we're going to go around the island. And she was like, I don't know. And I'm like, you're getting on that moped. And I had to get cunty. I go, we've been doing shit with your family. You're coming on that moped with me.

She was like, all right, all right, jeez, you fucking homo. Take it easy. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then the brother goes, maybe I'll get a moped. And I go, ah! Doesn't he know? Isn't he in on it? No, I didn't tell the brother.

I thought you'd tell the sister. I told the sister. The sister didn't tell the brother. It's a big white family. So I go, I pull a Kramer. He's like, I'm only putting my socks on. I go in and I go, hey, sit down. I close the door and he goes, what are you doing?

I'm in the bedroom with him. I go, I'm proposing. Oh, I thought you meant you called him the n-word. And he goes, what? And I go, I'm proposing. And he goes, ah, come on. I pull out the ring. And he goes, holy hell.

So he goes, all right, all right. And so he breaks off. So we go get the mopeds. And we're driving around. And I don't know anywhere. It's not like I just get on a moped. I just find the engagement spot. You can't put that into the GPS.

So I go, hey, this beach looks cool. I just open the map. I'm like, we're going to this beach. He's like, OK. We go to this beach. It's dead. There's two old people sunbathing in lawn chairs at the water.

There's no one else on the beach. And we're just walking around. It's kind of nice. And I go, I got a pee. And she goes, all right, go pee. I go into a bush. I pee. And I'm like, peeing.

Like, when am I going to do that? I got nothing. I'm on a shitty beach. Is this anything? What are we doing? These old people are here. I'm freaking out. It's been three days.

I leave tomorrow. I got nothing. So I zip up. I walk back. And she's facing the ocean. And I go, this is it. Oh, god. And I just get down on one day.

And I go, hey, I love you. Spend the rest of the life with me. Something's up that I might have said. You didn't say yeah, did you? Yeah, it's no good. I think I said, yeah, is that racial slur? I don't know what happened. I blacked out.

She loses it. She goes, oh my god, you didn't see it coming. The whole family been giving me shit all week. She starts with the waterworks. We hug it out. I'm feeling trembling. And then to cap it all off, it could have been more perfect. The old couple goes and does a little clap.

Oh, that's sweet. So they do a clap. They go, congratulations. One of them died. And we throw the helmets on. We jump back on the moped. And we're whizzing around the island. And she's just like, I can feel her breathing heavy.

She's like, this is unbelievable. She's whispering in sweet, nothing's into my ear. And it's always nothing. Always. Then we go back to the house. The fucking mom loses it. There was a special thing, a lot of handshakes. The other men have to do a weird hug

where you hit each other. And the dad's fun. The brother goes, good for you. The sister's jizzing. And it was a magical moment. You must have been a hero over there, like Rocky won. Hero, on the moped. I've got one hand on the GPS, one hand on the nozzle.

I've got the ones and twos. She's got that big ring under. Can you see it? Is it glinting underneath? Glinting, glistening, queefing, and the whole night. I can see her doing this. Oh, that's funny. Loved it.

Loved it. That really warms the asshole. Yeah, so we get back a hotel. I mean, the house and all the bomb and the stuff. We're going out. Let's get champagne. So we go hit the restaurant. We get this big meal.

We're all out there. She's showing everybody. Everybody's jizzing. We pop champagne, had dinner, just a great night. And then all I've been hearing about is this jaws bridge. Jaws bridge. You got to go on the jaws bridge. What the hell's a jaws bridge?

So the sun is out still. And I go, we're getting up. We're going to jump off the bridge. And the lady's not really a jumper or a thrill seeker, but she's like, let's do it. Wow. So this other guy goes with me. We go pull up the jaws bridge.

Huge line. Packed with kids. We're the oldest people there by a mile. We pull up to that bridge. I rip my shirt off. She gets naked. We jump in. It's freezing cold.

We have a thrill. We get back in the car. We go home. Oh, that's fun. You're going to need a bigger bush. That's exciting. I mean, that is quite a thrill. And what's fun is you get to be a hero for like a couple months.

Yes. Everyone's buying stuff. You could call her a cut. You get to pick the movie because you got the ring. Right. I got the ring. And then you post the motherfucker and the whole kitten caboodle with the thank yous and the mazals

and the your welcomes and the hooray. It's very exciting. Plus you can get some weird shit. You're like, hey, I just got your ring. Maybe you could strap it on and fuck me while you're wearing a Freddie mask. You know, get something fun. You know, have a couple of requests.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm down. She feels very secure. She's like, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like I can move on with my life. I don't think too much of it. But you know, you come home. I told the neighbors they had a bottle of champagne

at the front door. I've dragged in eight gallons of champagne in three days. Wow. Yeah. It's so exciting. Now, have you talked date, location, all that? Because then that becomes a whole thing. I know.

It's already a bit of a nightmare. Where are we going to do it? New Orleans. Big small church. No church. You know, do you kiss, a hall, a dance? We're thinking about a mosque. DJ band, it's a whole situation.

Yeah, it's a lot. I feel like, hey, I got the ring. I propose you're on cleanup, sister. You got the housekeeping. You do the venue and the food and the roses and the invitation. And I'll be kicking back and trying to produce it with some money. Now, the nice thing sounds good because the parents

of the bride pay. And from the sounds of it, they're vacationing on Martha's Vineyard renting a house on the vineyard. So they got a couple pennies in the bank, it sounds like. They got a few shekels, but who knows? My parents, I'm sure, will chip in. But yeah, she wants to go to New Orleans. We'll invite all the gays.

We'll get this rich twat out there from the tuck. She could fund it, this lady. Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, so then you've got to match the party. Then you've got the, what's the other thing? The honeymoon, bachelor, honey. I mean, there's a lot of planning. But this is what I felt.

This is what I say. I don't do anything in six, seven months. Just ride this. Let's just go with each other out. Let's blow, you're a hero, the whole thing. You know what I mean? That's an event in itself. You jump right into planning and then all of a sudden

you go, eh, maybe I made a big mistake. You got a point. You want to enjoy some life and then you figure all that shit out. Here, here, yeah, that part's over. Let me bask in the engage for a minute. The ring, she's loving it. She won't stop looking at it.

She won't even look at me. But I'm glad she's happy. I'm glad it's over. You feel like an adult. It's exciting. It's like that great Alec Baldwin speech in The Departed. Less people know you're not a fag. Somebody can stand to be around you.

It's a great speech, I'm quoting. That's a great speech, great, great time. He's fun. So yeah, yeah, I feel good. It's done. It's terrifying, of course. I'm a child at heart. I have commitment issues and I'm secretly gay.

But you press on. My parents are excited. Maybe we'll have a special needs boy and put him in a helmet and call it a life. Press on Nails. Did the parents surprise? Are they excited? Do they know?

Did you talk to them? Well, much like me, they're a little dead inside. But they know when to chum it up. So we did a FaceTime. And she's like, oh my god. My mom's like, oh cool. This is so nice. She showed my mom the ring.

And my mom has never put on a piece of jewelry. She wears combat boots. She's got a buzz cut and a mustache. And she couldn't have cared less. But she goes, oh yeah, it looks good. You're fucking idiot. That's exciting. It's all exciting.

It's a big fun thing. You know what it is? It's a milestone. Yeah, it is. We love the milestone. Well, whatever it is. Yeah, Oliver's stone. But yeah, we had a good time.

And the trip was great. And I flew directly to Toledo and proceeded to get heckled for three days straight. Mud hens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we got to wrap this up because we got a little boner. And we got lots of stoes. I got to check my phone is videotaping.

And we got a director coming to our house. So I'm so afraid he's like, where are you? I'm buzzing the door. What the fuck? He's upstairs eating my wife out. All right, well, we'll pause this. Well, we'll wrap this, probably. We'll do a hop bonus.

And then we'll go to Long Island and get a hot gay set. Yes, sir, ma'am. Hey, I got a big gig coming up. Wise guys, Salt Lake City, July 30th and 31st. Please come. I need to hit a bonus because the flight was $900. I don't understand these flights these days, but whatever. It's a hub, for God's sake.

Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, July 30th, 31st, August 6th and 7th, Fort Worth, Hyenas. And then I got a big space with some other stuff happening that you'll learn about later. And then in September, I'm at Helium in Philadelphia. November, I got Zany Chicago. Bananas in Hasbrook Heights. Oh, wherever it moved, I guess.

Bananas in New Jersey, Philadelphia, Helium. I already said I'm excited about that one. Mark Ridley's, believe it or not. You got some hot grooves. Comedy Castle, yeah, exactly. And then I think Madison in May or something. But that's like way the fuck out. We'll probably be dead.

But anyways, that's it for me. And check out what's going on, Ron on Talk Movies, YouTube. Subscribe to YouTube. Please, farts, shit. Hell yeah. Good little run you got there, Fatty. I'm also this weekend at the, no wait. This week I'm in Houston at the Improv.

So let's fill that thing up. Houston like three weeks ago. Dallas, San Antonio. I'm all over Tejas. I like it. They're open. They're fun. Helium in Philadelphia as well.

Let's sell that puppy out. Buffalo in Helium there with old Sean Murphy. Shit, some other stuff. Appleton Skyline. What is that? Arlington Improv back in Texas. Brea Improv. Albany, West Palm Beach.

Comedy Connection Improv. And it's Madison, Wisconsin. Nashville, Zaynese, Rochester. Richmond, Funny Bone, oh boy. Portland, Oregon, and Laugh Boston to name a few. So we're all over the road. Say hello. I'm doing the Netflix taping.

August 4th, get those tickets. I think the gays were nice enough to put the link in the Facebook Queeth page. So fiddle your thumbs and get all that going on. We did a lot of gays. We got to rip this thing up. Nobody wants to book us, so help us out. And yeah, get on the Patreon.

Tell a friend. Watch our specials. Well, I feel like after this, it's going to be hard to get anything to sell again. Patreon, YouTube, all the things. Specials, albums, other podcasts. We're cooking. We're queefing.

And we're chartering. So help us out. Tell a friend. Let's get this thing popping. Thank you. Brazala. George, thank you. No one wants to be themselves.

I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe that we've got it.