Tuesdays with Stories! - #411 Vat Man

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

It's an episode chock full of stories as Mark tours a whisky distillery and pods it up with the Willie D of the Geto Boys while Joe gets covered in bugs in Nantucket and has an uncomfortable run in with a pilot Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), & Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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That means no doctor's office or waiting in line and you can talk to a licensed medical provider and get a prescription online It ships right to your door mark tell him how to get some blue chew you got that right fatty love the blue chew I'm a fan. I'm a user. I'm an abuser. I keep one in my pocket just in case I run into Magic Johnson or Casey Anthony You never know special offer just for the gaze visit blue chew calm and get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code Tuesdays just pay five bucks for shipping again. That's BLU each you dot com promo code Tuesdays to try it free Hey mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag

Surf's up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there? Mark Norman and Joe list. Yeah, it's Tuesdays with stories everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy My radio is spitting at me Hey everybody welcome to another hot fun sexy breezy sunny episode of Tuesdays with stories Mark's doing blow. We're in when it's old school. It's we're back to pandemic rules What do you got there prophylactic propane tank flew to cast zone? Po-propanate nasal spray is what killed Michael Jackson. Don't you find it hard? No, that was proper fall My my my bad. Don't you find it hard to not was old. All right, don't you find it hard to not

Abuse whatever drugs are given to you when you're sick like I'm like it says like one nasal spray I'm like I want to jam this right up my ass. I totally do I got some Well, we got a whole bag of jizz to lay out on the bedroom floor But I got a whole bunch of pills I've already taken nine times the dosage because I'm trying to get this thing moving here Exactly, and it ends up being counterproductive, but I'm always like I told me to take you know to Queefa teens I'll take four just to make sure double it up Right and the thing is when you're sick, which you're sick time is the only thing that can really properly heal

Hangover you're like But so you're on the you're on the guine the griddle the the grill what's happening McGurray my McGrill McGriddle That's it. Yeah, well, I gotta get it out there for the folks at home We're zooming today cuz I got him. I got the Delta variant. I'm hurting. I'm dying I'm shitting blood I'm pissing water. I got a period. I have a miscarriage I I don't know what happened. I woke up on Sunday in Texas. I Could barely get out of bed. My throat is closed up like a virgin's honeypot. I can't swallow I'm a bad gay. I sound like Harvey Fierstein over here and I'm sweating. I'm dying here, man

But you got a negative test you tested negative. Well, of course, you know, I got the Netflix coming up I got the the proposal I'm going gay. I'm selling some tickets. We got a hot pod and everything comes crashing in I was like, I got Delta. I know it, but I went and got tested tried to do the right thing good movie. I Find the movie overrated sorry Turns out I got so I got not larynjitis, but laryn something Larry David. I can't remember what it was But it it's something and I blew a I blew a guy with AIDS. I'm dying. I can't talk. I got eight pills I got no spray. I'm all I'm all snotted up Larry bird flu

What I said Larry bird flu That's that's a fucking title Yes, I heard the moisture I heard the moist cough. Oh, I'm moist baby. This is bad news I'm dying Jerry. By the way, I'm like smuckers I'd be dying in three days if I didn't bump into some guy that said hey, you know, Mark's got strep throat I was on my way over there and some guys like hey, you heard about Mark. He's got strep danil and Who knows I would have been I would have been a dead man walking. You're right. You did the right thing I mean, this is very contagious. I've already eaten out the lady. She's she's buried now

So that's over, but it's all in here. It's all my head's a beach ball and my eyes won't open I sound like hell. I got no energy. I hate it. I don't know what this is. I never get sick First of all, I got I got one more beef and one question beef beef it in my ass beef eater The question is don't you always feel a little bit? Sexy though when you sound like that isn't there party that wishes you can do a voiceover you feel I feel like an Irish poet Right, right. Yeah, I thought about that it crossed my mind But it hurts it hurts to speak and that's our whole gig. I Know you got to speak we're speakers. We're speak

Speak easy speak difficult I need to watch deep throat because this is I need like a Frozen banana to fuck to throat fuck me or something because it's so scratchy Get some popsicles. Well, here's what you need I mean, you saw a doctor. So you don't need to talk to me. You talk to another doctor doctor Steve big high-fived doctor Steve But I was TV. I think you're doing the right thing. It's hydrate rest Gargle saltwater gargle is big and a steam room if you have access to a steamy shower get the steam a hot cloth

You know put some semen on there for good luck Yeah, but here's the clinker is like I had to cancel show nothing worse for me You know me I can't cancel a show I had to cancel a show people like what are you? You got Delta. I'm like, no, I'm just sick and they're like, maybe come by but you don't want to be good The guy's showing up and and hacking along on everybody. I'm already a hack Texted you by the way, you're killing over here at least I don't know what's going on with the folks at home But I'm dying over here. I've blacked out a long time ago, but These days you can't even show up with a sniffle

I literally was at the cellar last night before this and a woman there was like I had some fucking cunt waitress show up. She's had the sniffles. She said she had a headache I sent her right home. She fucking like, you know, Jazzy Jephter threw her out and then whipped a box of Kleenex at her and said Get your fucking fat sick ass out of here people Didn't used to be like this but people now are like if you show up at the office with her cold You're a fucking Nazi fascist fucking piece of shit. You got that right. Oh, yeah I mean, I don't know what's worse right now being a Nazi a sick guy or a Hold on

Republican, I don't know what what do people hate I ran out of things people hate as much hate everything It doesn't matter what it is in our In our you make a meat cop. Oh, sorry coffee soon in our Jared coffin hotel. That's where I stayed in Kentucky But you know in this day and age and this this big asshole we're living in yeah Everybody there's a large group of people that hates everything. Yes, even if you're like helping children They're like, why are you helping those children? You should be helping those yeah, so true

That's a good point because it gives them a personality. They want to hate they want to yell at somebody They got to have a thing, you know, and you're like, well, you're hating me while you could be in a soup kitchen You come guzzled Nazi. So how about them apples you quave? Oh shit. I fucked up everything. Sorry Text me. I don't have headphones in Well, if you can hear you can hear Well, hold on Sorry, she'll be fucked up is the audio gonna be horrible for the first five minutes now Shelby says no, you're good. I'm glad I had these headphones. I'll tell you one thing about being sick is you I

Cherish the health, you know me. I'm a free wheel and T toad Lynn cum liquor, you know, I'm on I'm on a scooter with no helmet I'm done taking eight flights. I take the mass down to eat a pretzel. I forget to put it back up You know, I'm all over the road, but then when you're sick you go, I didn't know what I had Well, there's an old Buddhist that by the way, I'm so paranoid now that the first seven minutes gonna suck ass because I have we haven't recorded like this in So long I'm sure it's fine. My microphone's picking you up I'm going to have double-speak. I'm sure Shelby can fix it in post or whatever. Oh, we believe in you your wizard grand It's all my fault, but there's an old

Buddhist adage Love an adage. Love and I had a better than a minus or a subtractage. There you go mileage. No Times inch. Yeah, shit I'm coming to join you honey My red fox by the way, I'm not sick, but I'm I look how shiny I am sweating like assholes because I got no AC in here because the It's a whole bag of tits. But anyways later old Buddhist adage a Sick wait a healthy man wants a million things a sick man wants only one That's good. That's good, baby. I love it. That's so true. You don't realize what you got till it's gone

Who said that Neil Diamond? Don't know what you got till it's gone. I think that's poison or no winger or Might be winger winger, I don't know what I think you think of wings Kip winger Kip winger that sounds made up. There's a kid cloud kicker. Remember him. Oh, he was cute. It was fun Yeah, that was a fun show as a jungle book But with talking see but I'm on the other side you have perspective because you're sick I'm over here going. I want a scratch ticket that wins money. I want the Red Sox to win I want my wife to blow me. I want my dad to eat my ass. I want to have a good set tonight

I want to win an Oscar Great, you know, I want my my dick to be straight and you know, they're just going if I could just feel healthy And that's all you want. I know. I mean how many times we going? Oh, we're at the movies We're at the uh winger concert. We got a show. We go, ah, we got to go do this fucking dumb Cleefy show. I would kill to do a show right now I'd kill to do a pod with you in the room touching your leg. You're scared of the cat Ah, I didn't know what I had. I took it off for granted By the way, last night that show you had to miss

What a show I gotta tell you. I mean this was like you're killing me The show was fire as the kids say Soho Soho It was a fun fun night. I had you know, so I've been at the cellar for nine years now I've never been on a show that wasn't I get my spots at like 1 a.m. 30 a.m. You know sun up And finally I started saying hey listen lady. I go to bed at midnight these days. I wait. I'm like a farmer

I wake up at 6 15. I sure it's embarrassing Yeah, so I said I'm available before 11 p.m. Before 10 p.m. And sundays I like a nice sunday to myself. So I said I'm available before 10 Good for you So I think I'll usually normally when I do that she gives me a spot at 9 55 It's a little bit of mind games. It feels like yeah, she can be a bit of a coups over there at the, you know what? Cellar, dude, um So it's like I feel like wide-erp and doc holiday towards the end over here. You got tuberculosis

I got the tube. I'm jeffrey tubin By the way, remind me to talk about the val kilmer movie. Oh, is that out yet? It's out in theaters Yeah, you can't go because you're sick as a taint, but I love it taint. I'm tainted I put it on the uh, the tv channel the other day and it didn't come up So, uh, what kind of things in theaters? That's all on tv now. What is this the 80s? It's a hell of a picture, but it's in the Theaters until it comes out on amazon prime nowadays in the old days it would be in theaters for like three months

Then nowhere for three months Now they're like let's put in the movie for 10 minutes and then it'll be out on amazon in six hours Just take just hold your horses. Yeah, you're there was that purgatory like oh, it's done with theaters only a few more weeks Well, you get that shit at major video or blockbuster or a coastal video whatever the fuck you had in your town Stones video. Oh That's good for the pot heads, which was also a liquor store Ah, now that's a fun saturday That's that was a thumb you could get your scratch tickets your your rum

And your video and you know you drink it you put it on the video you fuck your wife and then you beat the shit out of your kid Hey, no, that's a massachusetts evening. I've ever heard it I never had a porn section in my we had a I worked at a blockbuster. So there's no porn there But we had a we had an alfalfa video And no porn cockbuster Exactly. Oh, yeah, I gotta get in the box What's in the box? Uh, so anyway, so I had she gave she gave me two early spots 7 15 8 15

And this soho show he asked me to do this this guy max a million He asked me to do the soho show and I was like, I'll do that because that'll be before the seller spots Because I always get a 10 30 spot 11 o'clock. Uh, so I said yes to that show Then she gives me the early spots and now I regret the soho show because I'm like, of course I'm already doing two sets. I want to go home after that. Right and it's it's a it's a wild card It could be a shit show. You never know Exactly, but it paid pretty well. So I missed it. I go. Hey, sarah Let's that movie val the new val kilmer documentary is playing at the quad cinema, which is a great cinema 13th and 6th

Avenue Let's go see that Then I'll walk down do the fat black go downstairs do the vu then walk to soho do this max a million show That's an amazing night. If I've ever heard one there fatty pretty good night But every once in a while something goes wrong but Not last night Went to quad cinema saw the val kilmer documentary unbelievable powerful touching beautiful hilarious

He's dying a cancer, you know, he's got the fucking He has one of these Val kilmer. Wow, I guess I can't be bitching him on of it if a fucking Top secret over here is he's got the throat hole Glory hole thing. It's brutal. I mean, he's like he's all in his face is sagging off and he does the It's one of those he was such a hunk So hot the hottest batman Yeah, they talk about that they got all into batman. He's got behind the scene footed. I lol'd at one point

There's a hilarious part in the movie What a psycho. I mean, I he seems like a fascinating son of an onion because he's a millionaire He's a leading man box office, whatever Still videoing everything usually the nerd fat weird guys off in the corner with the video He's the hot guy videoing He videoed everything and it makes you wish you were videoing everything but that guy sucks in real life Exactly everybody hates that guy. But uh, hey at the end of the uh, the end of the road You're glad you got that that fuck on camera

Yeah, it's it's a hell of a picture walk down there. Did the fat black that was rocking went down to the vu saw veter He's in great shape had a great set there Then I want to go home, but I'm like this soho show will be fun Beautiful night 75 sunny breezy stroll through so I don't spend a lot of time in soho believe it or not I love soho. It's it's gorgeous. It's exciting to walk down there and the show there's like two door guys outside It's all neon pink and so hoey. It's down in a basement Long hallway young hip hot people just hot women everywhere mixed a very diverse crowd and It was it was rock and roll. It was it was pretty fun. It was good till the diversity

But man that is uh, I love that when you get that random show you never know and here we are in this Unknown place with two bouncers and then holy shit you're in this you feel like you're a part of some secret club in new york It's very cool. I felt it was very hip and but here's the thing some of these people Do you ever do shows for really young hip people not just young but the young and hip And you go boy comedy might be doomed hate it I'm so with you then some whippersnapper goes up in a wheelchair and he goes Oh, I have cancer and and black people deserve rights and you go. Ah, jeez. This this is the future and then he kills There's a comic whose name I forget jessica something. She's funny. She's like a big bronx brashy broad

Kirsten not kirsten Rabbit, I wish I knew her name because she's funny. She's a good comic But she did a joke where she was like my father used to say this And it was something something faggy fork Okay, it was about a spoon a spoon is something like that. I didn't hear the actual joke But She does the bit and like the crowd you did literally out loud or like this. No that ain't it Shaking their heads and it's like dead silent. She's like well, this is what my father said

It's like a joke about how he's outdated and they were yeah all like you can see six heads like this Oh At this show or a different show at this show. I mean there was a crowd other than that It was just like one of those things where you're like, but aren't you listening to the context? They don't listen and they they think I'm sorry. This shit riles me up. They think they're heroes. They think they're doing the right thing It's not even their fault. They're just so stupid and I feel like people have been conditioned over twitter and everything that they They have to react that way. It's pavlovian gerry It's it's it's crazy and you're like, but i'm saying

He said this thing that's inappropriate Exactly exactly. That's the bit you gleef But and then i'm doing jokes and then i'm like, uh, no, I don't really watch porn Oh, poor you gotta watch porn is good But there's like a lot of those reactiony things and and you can't do self deprecating because they're like your hands Um, you're fine. You're like you're loved and i'm like, well, whatever. I'm just trying to set up a bit you fucking douche It's comedy you chuch. I don't I you're starting to make me turn on this show. I think I hate it now

No, the show was great. Believe me. It was great. It was just a couple. It's just a couple apples in the orchard The rest of the apples were great. There was a couple worms in the apple and it wasn't bad It was just one of those things where you're like Just relax. It's just a joke and Even if you're offended you could just be offended a little quieter and then wait for the next joke You can see that she's not a bigot right you understand that I know I know she's saying it's bad They just hear the word it annoys me because I think it comes down to narcissism. They go

I want everyone to know That this is bad that I think this is bad. It's all perception. Hey everybody See me hating this. That's really what it comes down to Yeah, doesn't make any sense, but I swear the show's great. You'll do it again next time I think they might try to make it like a regular Thing and they paid timely the guy's super nice the comics were all nice and supportive and uh, I mean it was rock But it's small. It's like a little hallway. It's smaller than your apartment and they packed him in so the laughs were like Bound it was wild

I love it. I hate missing. I got a real case of fomo and i'm a homo and I am a home owner Yeah, you are so I want to hear about texas because something went I mean, did you make out with a homeless guy? What happened? How'd you get so sick? How are the shows? I mean, I love huge. I long for texas. So just give me anything texas Well, let me just say this for the uh, the sick. You know when you're sick, you get sick every now and then Sure, although it's been a while. I have to say All right. All right. Well, that's nice, but uh, maybe the mask who knows the the sanitation. What do you call it hand stuff? But It feels like this is I'm never gonna come back to life. That's the scary part. It feels like it will last forever

It's like a bad edible or acid Right. It's hard to imagine what it feels like to feel healthy. I got nothing. So and I got a shoot in nine days I got Philly this weekend. It's all sold out. It's my favorite club of the country But then I gotta go Buddhist and all that shit and tick not Not nice or whatever and like cut back and go. Hey, I could have been sick on martha's vineyard. Hey, I could have been sick For in houston, but no it hit me right when I got home. So that's pretty good It's perfect. And when you go to Philly thursday, right? I mean, yeah, that's you got all a monday tuesday wednesday That's why it's important not to go do sets. We're doing a pod. You got to put some energy here

But after this take a hot bath hot shower hot Sex hot jizz. Whatever you got to do hot gay sets. Just do is hot one coming soon. Long beach. That was fun Oh, yeah, we didn't talk about that. We could talk about that. But anyway, oh, that's on the list um But just lay low Relax chill take the meds watch some telly And thursday you'll feel a little off but better and then by friday. You'll be rocking and rolling. All right. I hope you're right Uh, so yeah, I went to the doctor and uh, I did that thing that happened to you

Where you go to the doctor and he's like you're fine. It's a throat thing. It looks pretty bad But take this I'll give you some prescription blah blah blah And then I left and I go, oh, I should have asked about that. I should have asked about that I should have asked but and that's all and I can't go back Right. It's no good. Do you have health insurance? You just got some health insurance As you would say, I don't have health insurance. I'm an american I know I just got some and it's so ridiculous. I think I already said this if I bought A second home. I don't even have one home an apartment if I bought a house

I would save money How crazy is that? That's what I did Uh, it's a horrible system. I go to the doctor once every kweef sage main coon's age and uh It's not worth it. I pay the copay or whatever the hell copilot the chicken soup for the soul God is my captain. I pay that and i'm done. You guys are paying out the ads every month like a period I know it's crazy and I've gone to the doctor one time. I literally went to the skin doctor She looked at my skin for 30 seconds touched my balls flicked my ear and said come back in october Exactly, exactly

But if I guess if I get aids again, I'll I'll have you know some support or whatever pretty impressive how you imagine Johnson really fucked and and got over it. Yeah, it's all about movie theaters and uh, you know, who Oh, yeah, uh So, yeah, uh, what the hell is that time? Oh, yeah, so texas Love texas is a comic, you know a new york comic. Whenever you get a texas booking you go Whoo, something about that that state you land you want to put on a cowboy hat some boots and and fucking uh, a donkey You know, you know, ah just something comes out of you, you know Florida's got that too flirty. You want to fuck a dolphin or whatever?

whatever's regional But we sold it all out. We added a show. I got my guys there zide and andrew youngblood and Just the greatest time somebody asked for a guest set. I said no That felt good and it was just like these crowds. They love us. They they yell in tuesday, queef Ah put it in my ass, you know all this shit. That's lunch They're going it's almost getting annoying where you're like, all right, buddy. Let me get to the uh, the zinger here Right, it feels good though. It's very exciting. We love the gays

My favorite people are the ones that you just walk in by and they go Okay It's fine, which they might just be saying that they might not know anything to do with the podcast They might just think I walk weird, but god bless them anyone that you walk by a nice whisper a wink I just I just love it. It makes me feel so happy inside. Yeah, it's a tough system because uh You got to do the meet and greet and they buy a shirt they take a photo But they want to tell you everything they want to go I love I have a beam or two just like yours my dad

Fucked my ass just like yours and uh my mom died and I have a main coon And and I got a friend with a small mouth and they just pour all the shit on yet, which is nice But there's a line full of 68 quaves out there. We got to get to everybody Yeah, well, it's hard and I think that's that's where you get yourself sick because you shake hands Your finger and ass and then you go brush your teeth and next thing you know old jen's a millionaire and you got the flu Remember the guy when you were a kid you'd sleep with a friend sounds like I forgot my toothbrush and he did this shit Yeah, the finger guy I hated that guy that guy was huge

I hate that guy and I just thought It's one day. I just your teeth are gonna be okay. They're built to last you can probably go three days without brushing And what are you making out with the butler? I mean, you don't need to do the finger And your fucking finger is disgusting by the way I know and plus you're putting that puppy in a jar a jiff later. You're fingering my mom like i'm sniffing you It's too much the fingers even if you put a plunger up your ass and be cleaner Yeah, it's just wacky doesn't make sense now. Where do you stand on this? We might have talked about this before But I got a friend. She's a comedian. She's wonderful and she listens to podcasts and she says hey

I gotta bring this up She's got and she's got friends that listen to all the podcasts so she can get all the scoops Okay, love it. Hey, I gotta I gotta say I've heard through the grapevine That you said on a podcast. I don't even know when or where that you're using you me Okay, she said uh, you're using your wife's toothbrush occasionally And I go, well no good and she's like it's terrible. It's crazy. I'm like why stick my tongue in her asshole Uh, you know, I've I've I've jerked off to her aunt. I've eaten her out twice and I've seen her tits What difference does it make if I brush my teeth with a toothbrush? I'm with you fatty. Well, so what's the beef?

All right, that's it. I mean it makes me feel better You're a good friend because she's like it's disgusting It's germs and even if you eat her out on sundays, you know, it's different because There's no bacteria there or whatever and I'm like, I'm telling you there's plenty of bacteria in there Ha ha ha. Yeah, of course. Just like as I said before I went down on the lady last night I heard labia looks like fucking corned beef. So uh, yeah, the toothbrush is is uh, that's that's long That's coming gone just like my mom, but uh But yeah, either way, texas was great and how about this? This is something

So I'm starting a whiskey company with the old jew face maril over there. We're trying it could be horrible It's called drinking and driving and uh, is that really what it's called? No, but I pushed that sam was against it Yeah, that's no good. No good, but uh, either way The guy who we're making the whiskey with chris chris is he lives in houston So he gave me a tour of the distillery gave us lunch. It was uh, it was killer. I feel like a mogul That you are a mogul. I mean, I'm blown away. I mean, I like to think of is did you see a squeegee? You're not gonna make a dime without a squeegee Um, I mean you're a mogul. This is crazy because I mean this this thing blows up

You could be bezos. You could be going to the moon and divorcing your wife and shaving your head It could be belly up I mean, who knows either way I'll have a box of a rye at my house that I'll just cry into every weekend But uh, we're gonna give it a shot see what happens. I mean scottie pippin's got a whiskey nobody bought it somebody fucked his wife Drake's got a whiskey. He's half black Nobody cares. He's canadian so we could who the hell are we Drake's got a whiskey and cupcakes. Those are pretty good. He does

that devil dogs Nothing I thought that was gonna be big I thought you were serious seems kind of half a half a faggy fork if you know what I mean So I thought he might have a cupcake Yeah, but but so when does it launch does it premiere? What happens? Is it a launch? Well, it's just like it's literally when you propose to the lady now you get down on 1d you go All right, I'm good. I got a ring and then she goes when's the wedding when's the party when's the funeral and you go

I thought I was done. It's the same with the whiskey. We go. Hey, we want to set up a whiskey and they go What do you want the label what size of the bottle what alcohol and I go? I just would have stabbed myself with my own dildo So, uh, we're all in the works, but I give it six months that puppy'll be on the floor or on the shelf Sorry not on the floor, but I think if you're a ceo or a cfo or a ufo you get to Skip a lot of that. I think you just get to You know you throw your face on there. Don't you I think I don't think you do that I think there's a guy that smashes grapes and another guy that bottles it and like you don't put the glue on the fucking label

I hope I mean I'd say I want to put a star of david on there and a childproof cap. I can't keep up I just make the thing I'll sell it. I'll push it at the cub scout meeting whatever we got to do But uh, I don't know. I can't do logistics. I can't get a license plate on a car for christ sake. How am I gonna make a whiskey? but Great to see the distillery great to see the big vats. I love a vat. Tell you love a vat Oh, I love a good vat vat man Bob and vat vat kilmer

Oh Man, I'm sweating I'm dying over here. It's like a hundred degrees in here. Same here. I got the fit, but if I pull this back, it's too shiny Look at this. I'm like powder That looks good does it it's like a ring light your hair is good great body and volume You look good. I I mean my face I look at my face and I want to just grab myself by the hair and smash my face like fucking You know the joker or whatever it's just disgusting You have perfect hair to do a smash down. You got that perfect top part to really grab

The hair is something I got some nice hair here But man the teeth the mouth the eyes the the nose the eyebrows I gotta say once you got better or hippermodern frames I think it it was a big big leap because you had those uh, you know, old black guy Preacher frames back in the day like boys to men or something Now you got like a cool guy a bit wiry It's like we talk about I got to do this as a bit because I bring it up all the time But all these things you never started there's an ambulance in my front yard

All these things you don't know until someone starts, you know, throwing eggs at your face You're like, you're fucking idiot. You look like ben franklin with your wire glasses And when I bought them, they were like, this is what's in now You take a paper clip you unfold it and make it into glasses and I went, all right All right, right, exactly. I mean, I thought eskimo was fine until three days ago when I said eskimo And some guy kicked me in the shin. It's in you. It's in you. What you beg it. I was like, ah, I've never met an eskimo I don't even think igloo igloo is a real It's not me. I'm hearing this now from you. I didn't know in you what eskimos out in you it is in you it

Oh, wow Yeah, see it's like, uh, sarah your your wife says we need a fucking newsletter every week to keep up with the goddamn terms Yeah, I had no idea. I'll tell you one thing one term. I know pretty well sheath underwear That's a term. I know. Well, I'm sure you guys all know it. Well, they've been sponsoring us since 1985 I hope everybody's bought a pair of sheath underwear if you haven't gotta do it do it right now pause the show Go get some sheath underwear for god's sakes. They're our favorite sponsor I mean, they're just the best robert patin. He started it. He messages us all the time on instagram. Great guy

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You got that right get on it folks. They're supporting the show So go support them get 20 off all products including gum or lozenges at lucy dot co with code twos days That's 20 off lucy dot co and use promo code twos days at checkout Here's the legal mumbo jumbo the product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical But you already knew that so get on it folks get 20 off at lucy.co with promo code twos days You know, I think maybe this might be this might be good This is like a gift from god that's being sick because it it settles you

It slows you leading up to the special that way you're not burnt out for the special. You're not overly gay You just you're home you rest and then you're feeling that that boost that energy You get the philly helium then this but what a gift by the way to do philly helium right before the taping I know right my favorite room that sold out. I got shawn mirf dog opening I got umar opening It's just gonna be a great hang and i'm really gonna try to take it easy You know philly is another city with as you say it's got some stank on it You know, it's gritty, but I really want to just cool it

Chill out focused on the shows and not kill myself. Yeah. Have a good time By the way, speaking of philly helium. I'll be there september 23rd to the 25th But yeah, I can't wait for this uh spesh. I got it circled highlighted Whatever i'm so pumped. Is it sold and we sold out. What's going on with that? It's kind of a kooky thing It's in midtown Manhattan, which is great. You don't have to fly but uh All these tuesdays are hitting me up like hey, I order tickets because you know what these tv things they You order tickets and they email you back. Here's your show your seat your night And no one's getting their email back. So

I yelled at netflix. I called them horrible names. So hopefully it all comes through in the wash All right. Well, and and what's what's is there an after party? Is it their party your party? How do we do it? There's an after party, but all uh, I don't know where it is yet. I'll spread the love I'm sure it's at uh epstein's house or who the hell knows but well, we'll keep it We'll keep it uh open for the gaze All right, I'm pretty excited about that and uh, and chris allen's coming up for it He'll be up there that week. Yeah fat chris alley already asked if he can get on it. I said I don't think that's gonna work But uh, yeah, it should be fun and uh, you know the ladies coming fat salic use is coming

It's gonna be a hoot nanny. All right. Well, I can't wait No, that's reflux. Sorry. Oh, yeah. Hey, we're in the same boat. We're both coughing up semen here, but Weird thing two weird things attack And then I'll roll it over to you Ah jeez. All right Oh, there it was that got loose. I heard it. That was a loose phlegm flick Lucy dot co. You got to get the loose. That's what it's all about, but ah

A guy hit me up to do his pod, you know, you know how they do on the road. Hey, will you do my pod? I go Ah jeez. I'm trying to relax. Who is this guy? Does the name willy d ring a bell? willy d No willy dixon that seems like something William billy d williams. No, I don't know willy d I didn't know him either. I tell my opener andrew. He goes willy d Houston guy. I go. Yeah, I'm doing some houston guy black guy and he goes. That's one of the ghetto boys

Oh No, I don't know much about the uh hip hoppery, but I give him a goog. I mean these guys are huge Well, I know damn it feels good to be a gangster. I know that song pretty well. That's the big one. Yeah Mostly office space Exactly. So I I go hell. Yeah, I'm in plus. I feel like we do a lot of pods with a bunch of honkies It's nice to branch out and get some uh Some some poc in there should branch ricky

Yes, so I go do the the ghetto boys podcast in a shack in the middle of houston. It's boiling hot These guys are old rappers. They're old gangsters. They're cool as hell And here's the the funny thing about gangsters guys is they're cool. They're tough. They've shot people. They've been shot If you say horrible offensive jokes, they can't believe it. They're like, oh my god That boy got no chill. Holy shit. I'm like you've been shot. I just made a joke about eating cum Right. I mean, but they were laughing and enjoying it. It was like They were loving they're like, dude, are you worried when you talk like that? Are you worried you're gonna get in trouble? I'm like You've been to jail. What are you talking about? Like these are jokes, but they they couldn't believe it

They're like this white boy is fucking bananas You know what were all the boys there or just some of the ghetto boys? I think one of them is dead Uh, the the little one died. It was a midget in the group He he passed on to mini heaven and then uh, just me and uh scarface was the other guy scarface Al Pacino That's what I was hoping for but he was a gentleman of color, but he was in the boys. He's in the ghetto Wow, I mean that is thrilling. And do they still wrap or do they do they live in the ghetto with They did about the ghetto boys. They lived in the ghetto. They're boys. They uh, they they wrap

They they had a couple of big hits. They're huge in houston. They're like local heroes obviously because they got out You know, they made it into the movies. They crossed over whitey likes them They're a great guy. They came to the show. They love the show Super cool. They hung out in the green room, which was very off very awkward because they were like, hey You guys are cool. I'm not cool. How you doing? Have a chicken wing, but super fun weekend and then One show blind guy Oh boy Now

I didn't know he was blind, you know, because blind people look normal when they're not wearing the shades He wasn't ray charles and over there. He's just sitting there. He got up to go pee He knocked over 16 tables a lamp and a cubicle I was like, what's going on with this guy? Is he fucking hammered and I he looks over he pulls it He shows me the cane. He's got the big white cane with the red ball on the end Wow, I mean you think though, even if he's blind, he didn't go blind that day Did he you think he'd be able to get to the john without knocking over some beers? Well, it's a sold out comedy club It's uh, it's a tight squeeze, you know, you got to do a little this

Excuse me. Sorry and he's just he's just be lighting it to the shitter and he's knocking over kids and Candy stores and all this shit. So, uh, I really had a field day with that guy and he was great Disabled people loved being trashed. Oh, of course. I mean first of all, but can I just say didn't he have a buddy? No blind buddy. I thought you need a buddy if you're blind He had a buddy, but I think he got away from the buddy for a minute. So he got a little loosey-goosey, but uh Eventually, I thought the buddy was like, oh, you got to go that way. That's the bathroom or oh, you're hammered Let me help you. I didn't know he was blind till I saw the fucking stick I always feel bad for the buddy of the blind because it sucks that your whole you have to piss on his schedule

You got to hold the arm. I'm not comfortable holding an arm. I got a A family friend when I was up in Maine. He's a reverend. He's been around. He's like 95 He lost an eye his asshole sealed his back is like hung over and He's walking on the uneven ground with the with the cane And I love this guy. He's like one of the like great loves in my life a father figure a spiritual douche and Everyone in my family goes, hey, go help him help him cross the thing and you feel awkward because he's not asking for help I feel like I'm insulting him. He's already walking. He has the cane

I feel like if I were him and some asshole came running over and held my arm I'd be like, I'm walking. I walked all the way here. Of course. Of course. Yeah I think I do hate that and it's like I feel like larry david they're like go help him What are you doing? And I'm like, well, why don't you get up and help him? Why do I have to help him? I know it's so silly and I know I sound like an ass here But and I did help him but I feel weird touching an arm. He didn't ask I'm just holding his old arm. So I'm just standing next to him like a a dick. I guess I'm a bad person a bad Well, no, because it can be condescending. What if he's like, don't touch me mother fucking do it myself

Then you're that guy like, oh, shit. I was just trying, uh, you know, exactly Yeah, so, uh, I really had a field day with him as his girlfriend was there So I was like going off on her like can he find the clit? I can't find the clit. We just had a great time I was like, I'm actually kevin hard. You have no idea it was Man was I uh laying into this guy and they he fucking he's on the floor That's great. Oh, did you help him up? No, no, no, he fell down the stairs But that was all I got that we flew out at seven in the morning on sunday made it back to new york safely And then I fucking uh hit a wall

Yeah, I bet Well, let me I gotta I'm gonna spin it back to nantucket because I had some nantucket tails I got a couple a couple more nantucks So I talked about the charter jet the charter plane the whole thing the rich nantucket Yes, and how net nantucket is just my my favorite place in the world the houses are 2.4 million So I'm never gonna realize my dream, but what can you do? Yeah, but so I'm there. I fly in wednesday this festival. Like I said you do one Show you do one 10 minute set. So my show is on saturday and it's called the new york versus boston smackdown

And so I get there Wednesday I'm there wednesday thursday friday all day saturday with no shows. I've been to the beach four times I swam in a pool. I touched a kid. I was on a ferry. I ate pizza and all of a sudden you're like, okay It's showed up. You got to do a show now, right and now because of covet when they planned this They didn't know what was going on with covet and the and the delta variant and the united variant and the spirit variant Right so the show is outside and I don't find this out until we get there wednesday It's normally in this movie theater, which is like amazing. Yeah, it's like a an old wooden theater

It's a movie theater, but like stadium style Movie theater, but this theater is amazing is what I'm okay. It's great a photo. It looked great It's awesome and then it's downtown. So it's right down the street from where we're staying So you walk over there and at the movie theater. There's like a rooftop bar that faces the ocean where the party normally is That's incredible. That's lunch. It's super lunch. It's it's the best. It's gay. It's whatever So this year though No movie theater because of covet and so I go where's the show and they go it's on barrett's file farm Oh, I don't know that farm

So We drive out there the first the wednesday night. That's the ladies night sarah's on that show So maybe it's thursday night So we drive out and it's out in the middle of a farm and it's a foggy island because it's in the middle of the goddamn Atlantic Ocean and you're in a farm and The great thing about nantucket is it's 50 percent preservation it's all

Preservation it's all just wild land. It's amazing island. You got to conserve that stuff or else people will build a goddamn Krispy Kreme over there. Exactly. By the way, the corporation's not allowed on nantucket Oh No starbucks no amc no chipotle. So I wanted to kill myself, but yeah, yeah, it's uh, it's pretty amazing It's a special place as I said, it's all preservation So we go out there now because it's preservation. It's buggy as fuck so The thursday I watch ladies night and it's a great show. It's kelly McFarland from boston who's hilarious regina

Dachico, do you know regina? I don't know. I don't think so Hilarious nice new york comic. She does warm up for the view. She's a hilarious hang great comic sarazon A few other people great great show um And we so we go there we watch that show and they're like hey sit in the audience We got to fill in the crowd. So I'm like I love it. I'll sit in the crowd I'll watch the show

And I'm watching the show. Kerry louise is hosting Fun show good show then nightfall On a farm 50% preservation Bugs galore june bugs July bugs cicadas mice I mean it turns into

just horse flies Bees the works and the whole crowd is all doing this it's like Everyone's doing this the whole night and you can just see and like it's all like these rich people so they're like oh heavens Yeah, right It just gets nasty and then you gotta move it in the fog is rolling through the moon is out fog moon bugs And I'm like oh god. I'm dreading this. I'm doing saturday. Yeah At least it's 10 minutes. You get in you put your bug spray on you do your your queef joke and you get out of there

well Hold your uh horse flies Oh So Saturday comes along. We're doing the new york vs. boston smackdown. It's new york vs. boston and I'm on team new york even though I have boston roots whatever awkward and they decide Why don't we have everybody sits out on the stage? After they perform so you go out you perform and then you take your seat on the stage

So new york is on this side boston's on this side. Uh-huh So Sit on the stage the whole time. Why would he be out of shit piss get a drink or You know spit in a bucket you got to hold it in So By the time I come out there's like five comics sitting on the stage with me imagine this you're performing and i'm sitting three feet away And I can hear the comics whispering. That's a bad bit. That's stolen. That sucks. He's my nightmare So they're sitting there with us

Now for whatever reason Exactly so I come out the bugs start coming out as soon as I walk out for whatever reason I don't know why Tuesday in the crowd the rich woman in the front row Yeah, cuz I just get Nailed i'm covered mark. I mean there's bugs in my hair at one point. I did this there's four of these flies They they like whatever uh jizz I have in my hair I mean they're everywhere june bugs the size of my dick coming right at me dive bombing because we're in the light or whatever

Oh, no The whole time i'm doing this literally and i'm trying to ignore them. I looked out of my pants I have like 16 bugs attached to my jeans. I haven't watched my jeans since the 90s. I'm i'm not even kidding Oh my lord. This is a night. I've heard of getting heckled, but you're getting buzzed It's wild and I can hear the comics being like there's one on his ass. There's one on his dick It's literally on my dick. I'm like teddy to champs or gordy. Uh, whatever the fuck Yeah, I'm just like peeling it off my dick and they're coming right at me a couple times I punched one right in the face as it came. I was just like pa and it just like went straight down to the ground

That got like an applause break, which was fun. I punched my girlfriend when she comes That's insane I had a great set and I was killing but my whole set was about the bugs and at one point This is so humiliating one flew up under my glasses and I just freaked and I slapped my own glasses off my face This is bananas. I bullied myself. I was like, uh, and I just whacked it and my glasses went flying I had to go pick them up like an asshole and the dead, you know fly was next to my glass I'm so humiliated. I mean they didn't get a clue the first night. What the hell these rich people It's eight million dollars for a can of coke over there. You can't buy a mosquito net or a fan something

Well, I don't know what you're gonna do. I mean you couldn't move the venue. I guess they could have Dim the lights, but it's nature. We're in a farm tall grass. I mean probably all have zika and aides and Whatever, I guess but gee, this is a nightmare and thank god. You only had one set But then you I finished my set and I got to go sit on the stage And you know, I feel good. I'm like that was that was kick ass And then bob lee, you know bob lee is from espn I know bobby lee I don't know. It's a different bob lee. I guess I know bob levy

to To bob lee's this is le y he's the longest tenured Uh employee at espn. He came when it was like six days old. He retired a few he always did the world cup If you ever watched the world cup game, okay, okay cup got it got it. He did outside the line He's a he's a legend. He's like a hall of fame sports guy He judges or doesn't he hosts the thing so he's sitting behind me and he's got like this, um, you know authentic voice I hear it. It's like my childhood. Wow and he comes out. He's got this crisp espn broadcaster voice and he goes I hope you don't mind. I'm gonna pull some bugs out of your hair

Oh, I'm like what I can't even see. I'm like get him out. Get him out. I'm like crying my mascara is running And he's like peeling bugs out of my hair. They're like wow borrowed in this hair. It pays to be bald So he's like pulling him out. I have like a fucking, you know Jim Thorpe award. I don't know whatever award they give for the fucking Whatever bullshit. He's like pulling them out like one at a time. I got them all over my shoes my socks They're up my asshole And we had to sit there swatting flies This is the crazy thing about showbiz, you know, you go your whole life watching bob levy on tv

He's he's he's he's he's he's talking about hockey or tennis and then boom He's pulling bugs out of your hair in a farm and then tucking crazy It was wacky and then I got one more then tucking thing That was insane So we finished that team boston wins. I get this the nice thing is I was on stage watching don gavin perform Like literally on stage with them legendary Kick ass hang after we go back to the hotel. It's jackie flinn justin mckinney don gavin me sarah regina

We're having cigars and just telling old stories the kind of hangs we love. It's all I want Yes, yes, especially with the internet and the the the act of it and all the the negative shit It's nice to just have one of those hangs. That was beautiful. I'm telling henry phillips stories I'm killing gavin's giving me the thumbs up I love it the guys like my dad. It just it just felt so so good Yeah, and we leave the next day sarah regina and I are on the same flight same thing charter plane We land at the westchester airport, which is the nicest airport. I've ever been to it's like leather seeds get your own coffee I talked about it a little bit last time

I go into the restroom and it's one of these bathrooms that like has like a wooden door goes all the way to the ground Like that thick wooden door a very nice classy bathroom. Yeah Gotta take a piss I go into the stall because I got a weird thing with dicks I love them So I open the the door and I just hear whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I look it's the pilot Mid ass wipe. He's on the shitter with the hat on

He's got the hat and the yellow stripes on his shoulder. I mean he's got the hat And it's literally like I see his panties like pulled taut around his thighs And he's like got a wipe going like his arm is like this. He's like no no no no Oh my god the most vulnerable moment on the planet. I mean you got sully before he landed I mean, that's insane and the hat leaves the hat on the shit Yeah, the hat the shit I mean the red and black lumberjack with the hat to match. I mean It was wild. I've never seen a pilot. They're always so upright and the

posture and the thing and the steering wheel or whatever the fuck it's called. What's that called? Oh my god Uh, the yoke the yoke that's I learned that last week from you. So he's got a broken yoke It's all brown and it's in the water And I had to like scooch out of there and and sarin regener like hanging out with their feet up and like Oh, come on. We gotta go. We gotta go and they're like what we just got free drinks. I'm like, we gotta get out of here I can't face this guy. I can't see him again. Of course. That's that's his 9 11 I mean that's insane. Like I got I got I got a weird dick. I got long balls. I got a hairy ass The wiping is the ultimate

Vulnerable. I don't care who you are Uh, jenna jamison or or james dean the wipe nobody wants the wipe Wipe is bad. I mean and a pilot wipe is particularly offensive and jarring I thought pilots were like girl like hot chicks. I didn't think they shit. They just so put together. They're so you're right They're they're upright. They got the the flags and the wings and the and the license It's in paris. I couldn't fly with them if I was getting on a plane. I saw that face again I'd have to take a boat or a bus

I can't fly. Oh, yeah, I can't do it I can't I won't but uh Anyways, but uh, that's insane the pilot is in the toilet It was it was quite a sight and just I'm just driving home in silence. It was just I couldn't talk and sarin's like we should go to burger king Whatever. I'm like shut up. I saw you guys shitting Yeah, I mean that's when you you wear the mask on the plane you get the hand sanitizer you wipe everything down Holy shit. I assumed a pilot hit a bidet at least

It was it was not a pretty sight so sorry to the trade winds millionaire Shit pilot. I hope you your diet proves and I feel bad. I'm sorry that you locked the door you fucking whack job I don't right Jesus. That's like seeing an astronaut Uh jizzing, you know, it you can't put those two together. It doesn't work Woo boy. Oh, that's wild a pilot wiping my god. This is good stuff. This is a good laugh I I feel bad that you're sick, but this is this is fun people are gonna hate the zoom They're gonna see the zoom, but I hope they stuck it out because The zoom we'd had some amazing classic zooms during pandemic and this was this is another classic. I think

This is a great one and uh, we also went to long island together And did a long beach gig and uh, we invited a guy to film us That'll be out soon. We got to even talk about that's a lot to talk about there. Sarah had a set We had a set we got back. We had to take the train in There's a lot there, but we'll save it a lot of fun stuff. And yeah, that's that's in the works right now Chuck should have that done in about six months And uh We're getting chuck. We love you move to jersey a piece of shit and uh, get out of Rhode Island you come stay

We're trying to pay you here. We gave you a raise you fed Cut Patrick Holbert stepped in by the way funny comic and a Tuesday. So thank you Patrick He was great. It was a great time. And that's it. That's being edited now There's another bonus up there from last week and uh, there'll be a new hot case sets soon And we're gonna step we've got a live one coming up, right? I mean in Royersford. Isn't that something is that is that in the books or what? I I thought you couldn't do it. I think so. I thought we moved it to august 10th. Am I am I crazy or gay? Open baby. Let's let's spread that jizz all over my butt cheeks because we need to fill that thing up

I've never done a live pod in a dome in pa. I mean this could be kooky It's gonna be weird. So that's august 10th and then this Wednesday tomorrow, uh, if you're listening live, I'm back at soul jolz I got a lot going on. So I kind of forgot to plug this louis not coming. That's not going to help my ticket sales But uh, get some tickets last minute. They're available. I'm bringing steve picnic rogers sarah And uh, who knows whatever come out to soul jolz and then salt Salt Lake city this weekend wise guys friday saturday two shows each night and then lastly august 14th

PS 109 show is back. Are you around that saturday by any chance? No, you know me. I'm going basically every weekend till uh, biden croaks Um, all right. So maybe it'll be around uh, august 14th PS 109 You saw it if you if you're on the patreon, you saw the hot gay sets from there. You saw how fun and cool that show is We're gonna do it up. It's gonna be fun. It's on the upper east side in an apartment Maybe we'll get sal accused of filming again. Make a hot gay set. So be there Well, we'll videotape some tuesdays for the patreon. Come on out get tickets and throw some dates out there. You got a lot

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all over the road. Uh I mean, I mean it's just signed to the deal with atlanta doing atlanta doing charlotte We're going to nashville. We got all kinds of brea california. We got all kinds of fun dates come on out buffalo new york You name it use the whole buffalo Check out our stuff on uh, youtube. We got two specials cooking You're uh, you're past a clean past four mil now. So with this thing, these things are really flying. You got pod I got pod Come see us live

Get on the patreon Shelby, you need some shirts. We got shirts out there. I think we got some shirts. All right, get a shirt For god sakes, get a shirt. Where to a gig say hello get a photo do an elbow bump because I got Scurvy or polio or something but uh, say hi praise. I'll uh, blow your dad And hanged in