Tuesdays with Stories! - #412 All Pipes

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

We're back and gay for another week as Mark forgets to pay the bills before both making the drive to Long Beach for a gig while learning how deductibles work. Also, Mark accidentally set down his mic while doing one of the ads so you don't need to message us that the mic is broken again! Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Native (nativedeo.com/tuesdayswithstories or use code: tuesdayswithstories), Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), & Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey folks on antibiotics not contagious we're here we're clear cats gay we're doing it what's shaking shorts well it's good to see I got basketball I got

eighth grade or short doesn't this feel very eighth grade yes feels like we're going to the mall or something or we're going swimming those feel like college shorts those are nice I was a little more mature they feel these are like the side stripe basketball it feels very like that's tough you know Dan Soder or an eighth grader it looks kind of I don't want to say white trashy but you look like you're the guy in the front lawn you know on a Saturday you kind of hung over you're in the burbs yeah and you're going to wash the car I think if I was playing hoop it would be acceptable it's not walking around hanging out it's

weird because shorts shorter shorts are hip now they're in again it's very strange how it all zigs and zags like when I was a kid you wore baggy jeans skateboard and this one guy wore tight jeans and everybody made fun of him he was a laughing stock and now they're wearing tight jeans and in the 70s when it started that was tight jeans cut off jeans with the phrase yes it was like the shorter the better the ball bag hanging out that was aces ace and look at those basketball players you got these huge swing and dick negroes and you're like how is that not coming out of there teeny teeny shorts and then it was the

Michigan basketball I remember we were there for it I mean it that was like we watched it happen to switch from one to the other all of a sudden these these Chris Weber's they had the big baggy pass that's right and that was big and we all needed that and then we all started wearing black socks when we played basketball and it was a sea change sea change sea word and that's also weird how it it when I was a kid no basketball player had tattoos now everyone is covered in tats yeah tats is big I think it's strange when you see like a 19 year old queef covered in tattoos yeah tattoo I get more and more conservative as I

get older but I'm like tattoo should become legal when you're like 36 that's good you see a kid with neck tattoos and chest and all down his arm and a sleeve as a teenager think about I've said it before in the podcast if I if you get a tattoo when you're a kid I'd have like peace love and rock and roll tramp stamp I'd have oasis or some shit yeah I wanted to get the I literally wanted to get the stones tongue on my hip which is like the gayest place it's pretty gay but that's that's timeless at least yeah I mean I still love the stones but the hip is is rough I mean yeah that's bad the one I wanted to get was like the red

socks Boston I mean come on you Mick it's just I mean at least it's like I represent you're from there the team but but still just embarrassing well a lot of those bean town chuches they got that what is it an anchor across it's like a weird Gaelic cross oh right yeah it's the circle gotta let them know you went to church or whatever you got molested we get it you're a Catholic some of them have it on the hands also that's very popular and his bed tat good then there's love and hate on the knuckles those loving fear you know like those people and you like come on yeah yeah remember Cape Fear he was all tatted up on the

knuckles and it was like this guy's a fucking psycho now like now the CVS whores got the tats on her nostrils and upper lip Loretta that was his tattoo the broken heart Loretta on the chest yes what's her name what's that guy post Malone what is post Malone what does he do it's so strange because obviously I'm from the 90s and Carl Malone was like the greatest post player ever is that on purpose I know nothing about post Malone but those two things are so synonymous through hoop interest I thought it was after Cheers Sam Malone is over but all right sorry but either way yeah he's a white bumble wrap

quiff I don't know what his deal is but he's all kooky looking he's got some big hits I don't know people like him no and he's hot evidently because I've seen that he's someone's attracted to a bridge troll I've seen someone say they're attracted to him I really have turned into like an old man where I was at the cellar the other day and they're playing music with Louis Katz who's just a great love cat smart guy funny guy what a hang I've known the guy 20 years now we went to Kuwait together back in 96 he's a cool Jew cool Jew cool dude just a great guy hilarious and smart as a whip as you say and he really likes to mix it up

yeah he gets it he's not one of those guys cuz you like both I like a good debate conversation but sometimes there's the guys I just want to go yeah it's the best movie I ever saw people go oh it's great and then people like what do you mean that's the best movie ever saw you ever see this and I'm like now we're in a thing or like I'm like ah well you know the Middle East is great well how so what do you mean and I'm like oh shit now you gotta be on your toes you like a thing you don't like a thing I it's I come and go we've gotten in some good conversations it's it's quite stirring yes yes well he can he can

discuss a lot of people just want to put your cock off he can actually give you a back and forth he had some great points about the right wing and the left wing the right wing has amazing slogans the left wing has horrible slogan and he's a big lefty right but he's saying defund the police is a horrible slogan right wing or against abortion pro-life well there come on that's a great line here's an argue with that I just wanted to be clear that mark has brought up politics I'll get the shit happen I'll respond to that and I'll get 48 list in his politics this cucklabel faggot woke piece of shit some guys call me woke

last week no oh this podcast with those thighs come on and this is what they consider a wall I'm like I was nervous about climate change he's woke all right well you know but whatever anyways so I'm not I'm not saying any opinion I'm just saying Louie had a great point but I'm gonna agree and then but as far as playing politics the right is like a 500 times better at the game I see there just it's it's worlds beyond the left is pretty good with that media I guess but that's that's like it's bad because it's it's so media heavy that it's like well they run the media so you can believe anything I mean that's so good

the media is liberal so anything they say it's dismissed that's where they're so good got it got it okay say that wasn't so bad they're very good and and they own the flag the flag is them patriotism is the right that's theirs but don't you feel like the left is gone hey flag is bad God hates flags well they they certainly play into it for sure yeah yeah it's a whole thing and you know whatever we gotta move on stat or else my whole inbox is gonna be well I saw a comic on stage other Muslim guy and he's like I'm so glad to be in America like new comic and he was like America's an amazing country and I feel like in the

80s that would have gotten an applause break he waited for the applause and then they were like can we like America it's such a weird mentality to it's a weird phase we're in where it's like not cool to like the country but no one leaves it's almost like the whole country's a bunch of 28 year olds living at home like fuck you mama hate you when's dinner it's great but here's this is where I'm gonna get in trouble from these people and they're gonna say I can never listen to the podcast I stopped listening to it but whatever these people on the right they go the left hates America they all hate America but I'm like every time I

hear you talking you're like you hate this about America it's gotten soft it's the family that's good suck it's vegan this is being them like it sounds like you hate America interesting you know they don't have to take the heat for hating America even though they complain about America they're charging the fucking Capitol and taking it in and taking the shit and pissing all over the thing and Pelosi died Biden should buy and everyone should die great point I'm like that doesn't sound very patriotic to me well they want the old America they're like America used to be good right let's make it good again great

again the whole thing Reagan whatever but everybody hates America everybody loves America it's a love hey I always I said it recently your country is like your family you're like I love it but I hate it I'll tell you what I hate about it but if someone else hates it if I was like yeah your parents suck you'd be like don't you fuck off yeah I'll shoot you well a bunch of Mexicans and Indians want to get inside my family oh yeah then they're they're coming they're coming hard on my ass and back but yeah and I say bring it on let's uh yeah fuck my mom anyways but Louis Katz yeah great hand going back to them old now

the band is playing some song and I was like you know we're talking music and movies and I'm like I did like a whisper we're like who is this I know I should know it and he's like you're joking that moment yeah I'm joking I know who it is what you tell me so I know but it was a hill yes so I don't know Lauren Hill but it was one of those ones I've heard it before whatever but post Malone I wouldn't know him if he walked in here and blew my father and kissed the cat yeah well once you see him once you got it because he it looks like somebody fell asleep on a typewriter and letters got him because

he's all covered and it's just cookie because I know each generation has to like one up you know in the 50s you had doo-wop gweef with the slick hair and the suit on then in the 60s you got to have the hippie come guzzler with the long hair and the vest and no shirt right and then you got to just keep going hair metal leather pants rocking out and then grunge so you got to keep one upping and so now it's face tattoos which makes you wonder what's next are we talking wheelchair stilts you know who could own a glass eye I don't know but then it loops around again because then you start having like the hives and it's a

guy's in a suit with good point do it and they hold the guitars up here the strokes yes they're up here and there you know people get a little more buttoned up or button down or you start it's all cyclical so eventually we'll have a president that's like hey we need some slaves up in here like it'll it'll all swing back around I think yeah you got a point you got a point could use some slaves what place is filthy I know the infrastructure stinks you know maybe get some people to work for free yeah and not not the somehow black folk have cornered the slave market sure I mean you got some Irish the Egypt well the

blacks they were they were wheeled in they sailed in but now we're staying anyway we're gonna have diverse slaves just you know just make some people build us a new infrastructure not me preferably but no inclusive some kids some you know little people very diverse group of slaves a little people would take too long and they can't reach anything but I think the new slavery should not be color or or race or whatever it should be like this guy plays music loud in public right let's make slaves those like the bad people right assholes there you go asshole slave people yeah people that they cross the street with the

baby carriage like they with the against the light I mean the carriage they're going they're like I gotta get over there and you're like you have a child and you're walking in front of traffic that's good you're a slave what about this this could be good like we take there's a lot of like billionaires they pay a little more in taxes yeah we take that tax money and we pay people without jobs to work and then they build the infrastructure what about that oh that might be good I like it wait some of these big companies maybe like Apple they pay taxes to some people that could build and then they get the money and we

build and everybody wins I like it but why wouldn't those people just build why do we need the billionaire money I'm not against billionaire money but why wouldn't they just get a job anyway well that way we're not just taking blue collar people that don't want to pay so many taxes and then the taxes are a huge chunk for these blue collar folks like a billionaire folks or these gigantic companies they pay into the system yeah under the system we take and we we build some new infrastructure some bridges and some tunnels and then the tourists can come over here and ruin our shows there you go

Australians your horrible audience Australians I was talking about this last night with my wife which maybe it was a mistake but I fucked two Australians in my life both of them requested my jism on their face wow so as far as I can tell a hundred percent of Australian women want Americans to come on their face wow that's wild you're fucking Australian it's too late now you're out yeah yeah those were the days but any Australians for you Aussie Aussie Aussie yeah yeah actually but it's a long story even no nothing like that all right well but I don't know it was a it was a different time 12 hour

difference so maybe I shot it on my own face you know the hemisphere but yeah those were those were wacky days tell you about it later but yeah I got a weird one for you oh please so woke up two days ago okay and you know the lady had gone she was out in here so I was alone mm-hmm I leave the AC run at night because it's a scorcher in this city sure and I get up and I turn the AC off every morning because I'm gonna come into this room so I don't want to waste energy AC's already off huh that's weird so I push it just to see what's going on no dice no usually beeps when you hit the button no beep course AC beep I come

out here my first thing I turn the TV on cuz I'm a fat American and no TV I go what the hell's going on powers out oh boy now the lady's sitting here she's got a laptop she's like I got to work my laptop's about to die my phone's about to die she's like the powers out like what the hell no yeah you look out the window the birds are chirping this the lights are on I look down the hallway the lights are on so like is it the building what the hell is going on so we call the super and he goes that's super weird I everyone else has power never heard anything about this is it the fuse box and I'm like I open the fuse box it's

just those old-school circles circles you know they're like bulbs almost there they're kooky it's like I thought it's gonna be some switches I don't know the circle bulb I only know the switch I'll show you the circle bulb they're a love to see a circle ball they're very old school I mean this is pre-war baby one more to Hitler so yeah so I'm like I don't know about the fuse box so I unscrew my screw them back in I put my dick in there it shocks me it feels good like a licking a 9 volt or an ass and so then the lady goes I don't know what this could be and we're on the phone with the super he goes did you pay your bill

oh god and I go well this is embarrassing I go I assume it's autopay let me call Con Ed well good now that's always a hassle phone's about to die call Con Ed you're on the fucking blower for eight years press one for Espanyol press two for anal press three for pedophilia whatever it is so I press three and the lady goes you've never set up energy what you just moved in and never set it up how long you've been here for a year I know they just let it go wow so did you get are you gonna have to back pay I got a back pay it's gonna be thousands oh I screwed back says I fucked oh my color I'm getting raped by

the energy but it's my fault I never set it up she's like you want to set up autopay we're gonna have to charge it for the year oh my god I'm like what is that 50 grand I have no idea I don't know I mean no I don't think so but this is pandemic is AC cranking Netflix all day long on the horn you know playing music piano dildos buzz saw you name it well pandemic is tough because we were whole usually we're on the road 48 days a week but I mean that you're gonna be fucked oh yeah this is gonna be like the old days when we didn't have an accountant and they just go hey Buster you owe $38,000 I know exactly I'm gonna

get a lightning bolt up right up the keyster and I'm terrified I haven't it hasn't hit the account yet but I think it's just gonna go I'm nothing without pay I don't know what's going on my parking garage and then I get email I'm so bad with money I just get emails being like I autopay and you're like I feel like I just had that like they like your monthly payment yes we just took it yes and then I'm like didn't I get that five days I think they could be they could be totally like prime for the fucking because oh I look and I'm like that seems like something I don't know you got a loose asshole and I feel the

same way and they could yeah they could just be taking all the time and my my old girlfriend she used to balance her checkbook with a hand like an Amish cunt and she would be like you have no idea how much little chunks they're taking out all the time she was a little paranoid right now she's in QAnon but she was like yeah it's crazy though I was getting like 20 bucks taken every week for um what's that auto audio slave what's that one with audio books all right right I just signed up for that in the 80s and they just they just kept taking it I was lost like you know $700 I think I've talked about this before so

fuck me in the ass either way just fuck me right in the ass because it seems like fun sure I'm here but I think it'd be a good idea we should start an app that's just like I talked about this is the movie app where it's like you pay 20 bucks a month you get unlimited free movies you can go in the morning you can take a shit on counter whatever yeah yeah and then after six month they get 300 million people to sign up after six months they go ah we're just getting we fucked up it doesn't work right over now right but they don't automatically end the thing so they just make a fortune off people that don't take the time to go

in so we should invent an app that say we does your homework for you or it you know pets your cat for you right everybody signs up and then you don't even do anything that's good it's not bad they keep track of your your queefs is what you're saying yeah we just we make a baby business download this app this is the new you know Tuesdays with stories of fuck your mother in the ass app and if you get it every holiday she gets a orgasm and you can't go ahead cancel anytime but they're not gonna can't they never cancel a lot of them will cancel culture but many will not cancel right you get the don't

cancel people's money yeah I'm sure there's a couple of old old coos is out there just some 90 year old lady was like you know she's got Alzheimer's and dementia and scurvy and she forgot about signing up for the the cruise line you know and then there's still Robbiter exact I mean I have 48 things that are auto pack at the calm app the waking up app yeah the parking garage the electric the car insurance the health insurance yep it's out of control I know it's like that Chris Rock joke that ain't a payment that's a jack exactly and then Netflix Hulu and I don't know the other shit yeah just comes right out mm-hmm

that's why I don't like that health care I feel weird that if I didn't go they take money but I get it I get it it's very weird I don't I don't like it either but if I get anal cancer from eating all the hot dogs sure I guess something happens I don't know it feels stupid it definitely feels stupid I'm 4500 bucks in the hole I went to one doctor dermatologist she looked at me for 35 seconds and when come back in October and I'll take your nipple off yeah well you got to get it lanced Lance Bass but what the hell's a what the hell's a deductible I've been pretending to know what that word is for 75 years I don't

know what it is I never got it somebody just trying to explain it to me this is what happens they always start talking slow but it's the classic thing of the definition contains words that I also don't know the deductible is the reluctant of the conductor and I'm like what's a reluctant conductor exactly just don't get it but I think it's this the deductible is so you pay an amount of money and then the deductibles like 3000 and you pay everything up to that and then after that so I think you want a low deductible so that's what you that's the guarantee pay the best deductible is low I think so if it's like the

deductibles 500 bucks all your medical expenses up to 500 you pay after that they pay so a deductible of like four thousand dollars is bad because you're paying for a grand after that so that's for like you pay there's a monthly a premium that's the other thing me I've heard of that the premium my plan my premium is fifteen hundred dollars a month is that good that's what I pay and then my deductible I don't know my deductible so you're paying the deductible every time you go in but the premium you pay monthly now the deductible is what you pay if they if it gets to that point so the deductible is like if I get

cancer and they're like we need to remove your asshole yeah and replace it with your dad's asshole okay it's gonna cost twenty two thousand dollars my deductible is five hundred dollars so I pay five hundred dollars for the asshole removal they pay the rest so high premium gets you a low deductible I think I'm shitting blood here this is getting crazy this is this what the ice bucket challenge was because I'm losing my mind here this is where I go back to high school I'm like algebra you know I feel the same way Sarah bought new curtains two days ago match the drapes I'm like you might as well strap on a

dildo hold my ankles over my head and fuck me until you come and put lipstick on me because I don't know how to put a curtain on and I try to read the instructions and you ever do this we are like I'm gonna read it one word at a time like when you sound it out a word as a child yeah I'm like take the breach of the thing I'm like okay and I'm like holding it like this is that yeah yeah I'm doing that and by the end I just wrinkle it up and throw it in her face yeah it's brutal eventually I figured it out and I felt smart I screwed it in and got them up in there I feel good I do think and good for you for sticking

with it and nailing it but I do think that is the group he to becoming smarter is sitting there with that obstacle and getting past it that is how you grow your brain and I know it's hard and most people will pull back and go I don't know it's I'm done with it but if you keep going that's true romance learning ah lies but boy I jerked off to that so much oh the down the dress when she's doing god come closer to the bed yeah so hot god yeah so much beating off but I'm Arnold I'll tell you no it's good I think I just tell the new guys ass but I went to China once and me and the lady were just like on the subway in China

like it's all what do you call that emojis or whatever it's all pipes yeah it was all just all the rules yeah the characters it looks like that character yes 160 exactly it was all Twitter and we're like ah so you got to go off the tubes and the colors and the shapes and we figured it out and I think that's you feel great after because you had to do it it's like being lost in the woods you got to make that fire fatty that's the only way to survive and you tell and the leaves are wet and she's dry but you got to do it but that's really that's one of the things I miss about I hate about Google Maps because I was a map

guy I was so good with a map I flip it and left and right and figuring out a route and people would be like oh my god I was like Max Fisher the beginning of the Rushmore when he figures out the math problem and they're all like humping them and picking them up yeah that was me with the directions but now it's just Google Maps and I feel like a chuch but this the the what are they called shades I've done this before and I think it's very emasculating because I'm like let's just hire a guy and my mind I'm like to me that's a man I make enough money I'll pay someone else to do it turn on and she's like no you're an

idiot you suck you skinny teeth are bad you got her piece so I think the key is both you can do it and you can hire I could do it but I'm gonna hire him instead exactly whatever I got the I got the drapes up but that's what I think the health insurance is I think that's my understanding you pay so much such in such amount of money and then it covers you over a certain amount so you want to load deductible low deductible low that's all I need to know because they want you bring numbers into it you go Greek and then we fuck each other in the dick hole and I'm out so there's deductible the most you pay is the

deductible got it that I can I can understand that's it I think that's the whole thing all right this is why school was so treacherous and then forget about a house I mean more mortgage reverse mortgage refining disclosure no wait foreclosure I just like you tell me exactly how much money and then I'll write it that's it I won't even complain just tell me what it is and I'll give it to you but yeah that that shit is crazy about my best bud Derek he just sold this how he's trying to explain it to me I'm like this is Greek it's beyond Greek and they get it Derek gets it I'm like how do you get it I don't get it he knows

that they because they read the thing in the market I hate the market God Boston market yeah there's pig went to the market but he sold his house for like an assload of money it's insane because this market's crazy he live in Seattle I didn't want to say the number he sold his house for well Seattle's booming with the old Amazon out there it's booming but there's a boot in heroin in the streets I can't figure it out that's how cities go now it's it's Bill Cosby it's pull your pants up but rape it's all it's all whack-a-doo extremes right you know it's hobos and Silicon Valley on the other side yeah in San Francisco

shitting in the street and then we got fucking Elon anal same thing I don't quite understand it the house goes for 900 grand and you got three guys shooting heroin on the roof of your car yeah I think that's why you want to live in like a mediocre town because everybody's just kind of coasted in the middle I always think of northern Kentucky and since now we talked about this recently too and then you just drive to your gigs you got a big grassy lawn and your house you got a six bedroom house for 80 bucks another wrong with that another wrong with that all you need in the words of Kyle canane all he needs an

airport these days right me to a gig let me make some cash and come home and put my feet up but I want an ocean I like an ocean yeah swim around the salt it heals it heals but doesn't feel like all the well that's a stupid thing to say I'm not gonna say it all right but but you gotta say something else though in place I should but you could travel to an ocean you could you make the ocean special you don't want to live on the beach because then you're eating ice cream every day well I don't live on the beach but I want to live within a shot of I don't want to have to get on an airplane to go to the beach no I got a

car I could drive to Jones I enjoy a Jones drive yeah I love Jones drive but you know your time gets so don't you find it's it's tricky particularly I was gonna say particularly our business but I guess every business but all of a sudden you're looking you're like that we gonna take it that we can book that weekend's book that wins and then I'm like I could squeeze you in July 9th you can come over for a hot dog oh yeah it all gets switched up and swelled up and spit out your ass so true and I don't know if that's healthy well I don't know either but then it gives you at least when you're booked I said this I think

this is all reruns for boy I got the runs saying to Alan our therapist I was like I'm just I have so much anxiety because I got every single weekend his book my life has been booked already for like six months out and he started laughing he's like you're the first comedian I've ever had who's anxious because he has too much work that's great he's like every other client comes in here and goes I don't know how I want to make money in a month or two months or three months or four months yeah and that did change my perspective of like all right I guess I should be grateful and then actively take time off right

right I'd rather be a guy with too much work who's gonna take time off with no work who's like well I'm fucked I mean how many comedians do we know going up struggling out there you can I open for you I need any work I can get and then we're going I mean the grass is always gayer so exactly but that being said it is nerve-wracking when you look at your calendar you're like I don't know I'm not gonna be able to see my parents till 2048 and they only have six months left yeah you feel guilty my parents were over here and I'm like I gotta go do a podcast where I drink sorry I gotta leave mom and dad who are in their late

70s and my dad's you know we're on a diaper and in a cane with fucking tennis balls on it how old are they really I think my dad's 75 I'm on 72 so they're not that old but they're old now I mean you know yeah he loves this borrowed time I mean statistically I'm going for Thanksgiving I don't I feel horrible but it's like hey we were so busy but we just see that empty hole in the calendar and we put our dick right in it I know and then you want to make money so you can pay for their casket in a couple weeks it's tough business damn it they're gonna die I can't handle it I know I'm an orphan yes remember what's

his name by the way how about Odin Kirk what happened he fell down or something he broke his tits he had a heart-related condition he fainted or something they don't give you the the judge's son said he's gonna be okay or whatever all right well good for Odie I just think it's weird though and on social media everybody's like we love Odin Kirk we were fighting for Odin Kirk I'm like it's weird you guys just all glom on the one thing and just all go with it it's so like I don't say sheepish but it's it's just like high school like this what's cool okay I'm in it's a weird illness what I gotta say

everything exactly exactly this guy we don't like this guy we like okay cool whatever you think I think well I mean there was a famous comedian that passed away last week and Jackie Mason within 30 seconds I my Instagram is just this is the time I met him he told me I was one time he wrote that my joke was the best joke you ever saw me me me and I'm like did you give it a minute I mean he's got a kid in the comedy scene maybe make sure it's gotten to her before you post your fucking photo but Mooney who you're talking Chiba yeah oh yeah Jackie ah yes but Mooney died he died a while I thought I was confused plenty of those

too but his kids don't exist all right let's Tuesdays with stories folks is brought to you by native deodorant love native deodorant there's a new promo code by the way Tuesdays with stories if you want to get some native deodorant which you absolutely should the show is brought to you by native they got new face and body sunscreen wow their new face and body screen something that stinks I'll tell you lots of things stink everybody I mean I'm on the subway the cat stinks the car smell that what is this not a car but apartment the apartment smells amazing you got a raspberry candle cooking over there

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get on it folks and smell better. Tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by Raycon here's a little secret if you're feeling a little social anxiety the best thing to do is throw on your favorite song meditation or podcast I like to listen I'll tell you I like to listen to Sam Coffey in the Iron Lungs I'm wearing their shirt this band kicks ass maybe for you fatties listening to Tuesdays with stories is how you get in the zone so I love listening to music like I said I've been listening to all kinds of rock and roll tunes you know I started listening to again the Louis Louis by the Kingsman did you know at 54 second

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products just for being our listeners just go to buy Raycon dot com slash Tuesdays that's it you'll get 50% off your entire Raycon order that's 50% off at buy Raycon dot com slash Tuesdays one more time buy Raycon dot com slash Tuesdays that's right and Tuesdays with stories finally is brought to you by Manscaped with a special transmission for all you gay space cadets Houston we got a problem with pubes oh yeah they're taking over my god my pubes are probably sticking out of my shorts right now but with Manscaped I can achieve total weightlessness blast your pubes into another dimension it all starts with the

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4,000 Kelvin's easily light up the dark side of your moon if you know what I mean this stuff is as good as it gets you want to tell them yeah I call my dick Pink Floyd I will say Bezos had a rocket that looked like a dick and imagine that had pubes on it it'd be the look smaller oh yeah also I can't wait for the first black billionaire that's gonna be a huge rocket alright he'll get pulled over hey get 20% off free shipping with code Tuesdays at manscape.com that's 20% off and free shipping with code Tuesdays at manscaped.com get the performance package today your space balls well thank you all right I

mentioned it I gotta I'm wearing the shirt I gotta give a big shout out to this rock and roll outfit Sam Coffin the iron lungs I came I got a package yesterday they sent me their two records on vinyl a nice handwritten note in this hell of a hell of a t-shirt here hell yeah go check them out Sam Coffin the iron line I mean this band kicks ass what are we to hard rock hard rock throwback I mean there's a tune called Lately you start with that one it's it's it's it's gonna pop hook to it it's one of my favorite rock songs ever Saturday night we get our baseball bats well they're my baseball bats but we pretend to play

guitar back to back we sing along there's a female vocal in there I mean just a great sonic sound there's a bunch of killer songs magic 15 minutes and their their last record I also love and it's just it's killer so if you're not listening to Sam Coffin in the iron lungs you're doing music wrong as far as I can tell I'm in I'm down I'll put them on the old tune list today oh you love I got soda listening to him he's he's walking around having a great time he keeps texting me blowing me and I got to give a shout out to Matt Wayne because he's a little jealous because they sent me the goods and he told me about them

so suck it way knee they am dubs where we didn't know Paul Schrader was so I thought that was a little offensive the writer whatever that's right and director oh sorry I got a story about him to taxi driver that's right raging bull last temptation a Christ American jiggalo first reformed guys amazing wow well you know it's funny I just watched this movie doc and they they all were a gang it was like this gang of a they called him like misfits and the new violence and the new cinema and they hated them they hated well there are a lot of reviews like Pauline Kale so violent what's wrong with these men these

men are angry Scorsese and you know gangster shit and all that and pretty fascinating you know what's this fucking Scarface now yeah and it's funny because you're like oh this is all old hat as they say right it all comes around and goes around to Palma who is a little overrated but this Schrader fellow mama love Paul Schrader and his first film that he directed is called blue collar which I'd never seen before never heard much about it it's playing at the film forum so I go maybe I'll go check this out I love Schrader never seen his first movie I loved first reformed which is his most recent movies got another

movie coming out with Oscar Isaac called the card counter you gotta throw this trailer on at some point wait he's got he's still going oh he's still going baby he's like 97 years old all right new one the card counter with Oscar Isaac who I'd let him eat my he's my number one male blow he's something so and he could play anything he's Mexican he's black he's white he's a robot I mean he could do anything he could go Jew he's short he's hot he's gay he went you in that one and then it's get caught up on these Star Wars it's enough already with Star Wars well you gotta pay for the biggest things you know it's a lot of

exposure there I know but just come on with the Star Wars who gives a hoot about Star Wars it's all silly well you know Lucas was fun yeah for a minute the old way Lucas what well American graffiti is fine okay great that's fun and then the first Star Wars change the world yeah sure for the better I guess so did Stalin yeah exactly my fucking mother changed the world wow she changed the diaper I don't know about the world there oh shit I lost my thing oh god you gotta have a mask on gotta give the microphone a mask what do you care in at Walmart there we go but anyways I won't take up too much time here but I

went to the film forum to watch this movie blue collar I mean I took my pants off took a shit on the seat threw it up in the air and caught it my mouth this is one of the best movies I've ever seen wait this is old oh 1978 Richard Pryor what Harvey Keitel and the FBI agent from midnight run photo yafa photo hope Koto yeah he says his name big black guy midnight run he's the FBI agent all right names yeah yeah yo foos Koto yeah I know what you're talking about he's a handsome and fit back then it's a wine Koto yasouf yeah Yusef Islam auto and George something Kato Kalin shit shit this duck develop a photo I got nothing

photo booth photo evidence I don't know what it is but he's great but it's these three and office I'm watching it office space borrowed a little because office space is not office space I thought that was odd no it is office space Ron Livingston is that office space office space so office space is three guys the three friends and they work at this job that they hate and they decide to steal some money from it that's this movie is damn and it's it's Keitel and Pryor and one hour photo and evidently they all hated each other Schrader had a mental breakdown but this movie is unbelievable guess the rotten tomato squad take a

guess I'm nervous because rotten tomatoes is all over the road but just take a guess I'll say 70 well I'll give you a hint it's a triple digit score what a hundo on the across the board hundo rotten tomato there's no negative review movies great Pryor is doing he's like he's hilarious but he's also like a dramatic role he's great I gotta watch it gotta watch it take it and shove it up your ass blue collar I'm in I mean I'm a comedy tour it's unbelievable it's it's fantastic and it's compelling and it's funny and it's jarring and it's beautiful I mean this is this is a hell of a picture now why doesn't this take

off if it's so great I mean you're really building up here you're blowing it pretty hard I feel like a word is gonna be a letdown well it's 1978 and you know there's a lot going on I ran or whatever so you know who knows but I walked afterwards but I don't know it's I think among the buffs it's something Biff wants to be a buff it's funny with movies because all these movie queefs they know all the like most people don't know who help Paul Schrader is or John Milius or these guys but they know kind of like how we know about Nick Griffin or the other guy yeah sure Greg Roguel there you go we like comedy so we know

about the guys who are good just because they're not big but these these movie guys they all went to go blockbuster route right we want to do Star Wars we want to do Indiana Jones we want to do Jaws all the Jaws is actually a great movie Jaws is great but this is this is a fine picture you're all gonna enjoy it and whatever all right all right I'm gonna I can't wait to watch it there's a frame I still be at the film form the film form is great that's right on Houston down there oh I've walked past there all the time yeah it's nice they got old shit and it's fun and it's exciting it was a great movie experience

I had a couple buds and good time all right I'm down I gotta go to a good movie I've been on a hot streak pig with Nick Cage's killer and then I saw the Val Kilmer documentary which is killer you got you're in the cinema capital I'm looking at a movie theaters right there IFC easy my shit away yeah well we've given it away a few times all right but it's this is where it reflects it and then the Quad Cinema in that direction there you go and then film form over there is great all right I'm in I'm dying to see this Val I'm so fascinated with this cookie nutty German is he German

his parents are maybe it's German Scandinavian me he looks a little sweetie but he looks like a mess now but it's a hell of a picture and they don't get into it did he smoke don't you always want to know why they got cancer of course you go I don't want to do what he did right exactly yeah speaking of cancer we went out to Long Island what yeah yes that was great fun yeah I don't know if we got into that but yeah well so I was making fun of Long Island oh I see yeah not great joke but boy what a time that was we drove out there and it was me you and Sarah mm-hmm and Patrick Holbert and Patrick film the

whole thing which will be a hot gay queef hot gay set coming soon yeah and the food was brutal but oh we sold it out sold out packed show and the food was just a atrocious I mean yeah maybe we shouldn't be sad we're not gonna say the restaurant but the bar was bar was great I ordered fish and chips can't go wrong with fish and chip typically I mean can you describe what the fish look like well it looked like a big fat square shit it was exactly square it was like if they you know Sesame Street drew a square there like in the pulp fiction you know yes and brutal fit fried to the gills oh Jane gills and man and I ate

half of it and I wanted this shit blood it was like a school lunch it was yes two squares per two perfect squares yeah little blocks like like a little like coasters yes and fries yep yep and it was it was bad as bad can be you finished it off for me which I appreciate I had to I couldn't I couldn't stand the side of it Long Beach hell of a town home with Charlie McAvoy I talked about Charlie McAvoy for about nine minutes no one knows who he is and never heard of him no some lady afterwards it was so bizarre there a weird bunch out there this lady leaving already and cuz I we had to run out cuz I had a seller spot that's

right and so I said yeah we got around I got a spot and then she went I wanted to get you an autograph Charlie McAvoy and I'm like what are you talking about he's not here what are you gonna do I'm just to wait here she's gonna yeah she was banged up in the bag and it was fun cuz I had to jiggle the keys to get you to run out and we ran out like Elvis which is exciting and it's all gonna be a hot gay set but that was a rock and crowd rock I had to follow you fucking annihilated and I had to go after you and you did 20 minutes on McAvoy who they all know I was like I don't even know what this guy's talking about

everybody went nuts for the hometown hero and then I go up there and talk about you know man boobs and Jews and they were like we don't like that shit no they loved you they loved me they loved it all I mean it was great and then there was a young lady that did a set she did well oh yeah they're just the crowd I mean my aunt Sylvia could have killed in that room they were so hot he could have put Stephen Hawking up there oh yeah what is the difference between a Jew and a canoe a canoe tips not my joke great joke but you didn't follow me she followed me that tall lady that's right and did a and did a fine job I might add Sarah killed

Reese killed and then who's the fat guy that let he kicks ass there what's his name figs figs yeah figgy Newton Newton or he's like hot but fat hot he was on the show hot fat he's from gas digital I think oh yeah Johnny figs or something yeah he's a hot hunky Chubbo he's Chubbo he needs an eating disorder stat but he's like a guy that's like look at this Jew look at this homo this guy and murder murder of it well there's something about Long Beach it's a throwback it Colin Quinn said Long Beach is like what Brooklyn was in the in the 70s oh is that right yeah and when you were on stage you know geez you got a real

hunker cooking here you want to hide that thing or what where it's a family show my god gonna wake the cat but we I'm all distracted now from seeing the the force mostly ball I mean you know me with the long ball yeah yeah yeah well it's good to package it all in one blob because then it looks like a real bulge battle of the bulge so but when you were on say we're each doing 28 minutes or whatever because there's four comics on the goddamn show but huh five five right and Reese fat you me Sarah lady lady she did a little four minutes that yeah six comics and so you went on so I didn't want to watch cuz you were killing so

hard I want to get my head so I walked to the beach and the Sun is still out you summer time and then I walked back oh that's fun I love a beach walk I love the ocean it heals and it's just fun because you know we live in squalor here with the homeless and the shitting and the heroin and the Puerto Ricans and then you go out there you're like wow just walk to the beach walk back got a bunch of laughs and money and went home good times that we didn't even go home when we drove to the parking garage Sarah and Holbert they hooked up then you and I jumped on the train yeah which was fun and then I went to the cell or you

you just you couldn't there was I tried to lure you in I couldn't do it I couldn't do it lure or lure like a fissing you're luring a fish I understand that but I'm saying how do you spell it L you are a that is right fishing lure that's so weird yeah let's rod and reel because some people have a rod but no real that's you just hold a stick and pull it out oh that's fly fishing yeah you need the reel River runs through it real time new rules but yeah so we went back we we had a hot hot night there oh I had something I forgot it damn it the fish tics long beach driving oh shit in my mouth I lost it sick a other sickness is killing me my

brain is cloudy I can't get over it it's because your whole body is working on recovering I guess recovery sucks and you just want to go alright recover hurry up but it takes time it's like a phone charging it takes time who is that that's STP I think it's Lauren Hill originally the stereo temple pirates no yeah Asian because they saw STP for the sticker and they're like we'll call our band STP they had to come up no it was gonna be the stereo temple pirates that's weird that's no good I think I got something else here oh you watch the Woodstock 99 I did that's something it was good it was a little hard on the

other white guy all right with the white guy or angry narrative I mean watch it with the lady who's a you know got a big clam and she's like all right all right I'm sick of the white guy it was fun I'll just say this and I don't want to sound like fucking Bill O'Reilly over here sure but they go on the one blonde woman every take was horrible it's all you talk about woke that every take was shit and then they literally do a thing about how in the late 90s all the white artists all the white male artists became misogynistic limp biscuit and all this stuff I'm like you're gonna talk about music being misogynistic and

completely exclude and omit hip-hop black artist yeah right right not to mention that's insane that's insane to omit then you're acting like rock and roll white artists rock and roll weren't misogynistic in the 70s that was a new development in the 90s right shake your ass little girl and little girl is your daddy I mean like this twist and shout I mean like it wasn't like all of a sudden the 90s rock music got like a little ejectional to women that's true this idea that it that's a white thing I mean like you know hip-hop bitch this suck a bitch I mean like well they kept saying rock and hip-hop melded we got

this horrible kid rock and we got limp biscuit and all this shit I'm like okay they're doing hip-hop so let's get mad at hip-hop too I mean that was insane it was a horrible time for me corn get out of here couple horrible thing but it was a fun doc because it took me back to those times yeah Fred Durst is gonna be the biggest piece of shit of all so weird to watch that guy and be like this is good I like this guy I know I know it makes millions of people loved him he made a shit ton of cash off of that one nookie bull crap whatever that was but you're young you're dumb you go into it it's like you say with a tattoo when

you're 19 you probably got a lip biscuit thing on your thigh there but I was 17 and I was like this band sucks this is awful same same so who knows but it is fun it's a fun doc to watch it all build and blow up and go crazy it was well done but yeah that's there was some takes that you're like this is a wild omission yeah also she throws out there at 69 Woodstock there was riots I'm like there was no riots at the 1969 Woodstock mmm I never heard of it ever Ultamont and yeah that's a different thing altogether and then you're like this this is a riot like they're like knocking stuff over stealing breaking

shit like and then they all she also said 69 Woodstock people died well one person died well documented yeah one guy died he and so it's weird to just be like people died there right like well one person died yeah born is that right yeah that ended it began and ended with the same amount of people that's fun that's an old story I don't know if it's true but I'd like to meet that kid yeah I was born at Woodstock Bobby Kelly just called I was educated at Woodstock there you go yeah it was a bit it was a bit grandiose but it was cool to see that and we that was our primo we were right right little what do you call it when you're

when you're in the tempered when you're you're young and you can impressionable impressionable yes we were so impressionable remember the cargo shorts the backwards fitted hat it was all so 90s what was what is smack dab what's the original who's the first person to say smack that's good where did that come from why is it what is it I like it ab in the middle of my asshole it works though it's an automata P it just sounds right smack dab in the middle of the the city what's the order we shall be back we have shall be sit over there by the painting give it a go get he's got to come all the way over here and I'm gonna

feed him it's good what do you put out a little cat food for Shelby baby but smack dab I don't know what that is that we all say it I love it weird I love questions like that the origins are fun you know where break the ice comes from no I imagine breaking the ice yeah that's it no at the the cargo ships used to have to come in the winter and they'd have to break the ice to get the ships in because they wanted all the goods so they go they call it you know now the ships are coming we broke the ice so it's like hey we we got through this conversation we broke the ice now it's a little easier it's a little more fluid

there you go I love stuff like that and it's a lot of nautical yes a lot of big because you know boats were the way nautical wheelers yeah yes nautica slavery hmm well then I have one other thing I mean do you have some more stuff I'm out I'm sick I'm trying to take it easy well this is gonna be weird because I got a big project coming up a little little little DL right now this is a humding if I've ever seen it's a wild situation so I'm not gonna be able to record for like a month oh yeah we're gonna have to bank I'm gonna be in production so don't give it away so I won't be able to record so we got a

we got a bank so it's gonna be like the old days yes which is hard to remember we used to do two back-to-back no that was exercise marathon people started to catch on they were like hey this thing this ain't no good yeah you were in the same shirt and one you look really tired well there's no video back then we I think we would just be like alright I don't know you say something you fucking idiot yeah yeah that was some tough times but we pulled it out and we've been doing this 17 years and long time so yeah we'll make it work we always have I went to Australia once you went to NAMM and killed those kids so well we'll

figure it out but just to fuck them you know it'd be fun if we had we did like a rain man autistic idiot but like on Seinfeld which there was a lot less of than there is Tuesdays with stories but they have like a get-out count the first time someone said Elaine said get out 14 times total they are their number of Jerry's girlfriends you know that would be fun to find the army times we've said gay anal right cheese dick shit that's you know all that stuff it'd be fun to have a count and like all that stuff I love that that's great yeah take years though yeah yeah give me a that's the clinker bag of hammers we've we've with

me is to the moon like if you if you stacked up all the queefs you know they do that if you put all the hamburgers together we've all eaten they would go to Mars and back right yeah we should go to you know black hole and fuck it jizz I can't even imagine but anyways yeah I got one last thing I can talk about I don't know how crazy it is but hit me fatty I'm coming over here on the subway and you're always like I don't have much maybe something happens you really keep your eyes peeled maybe there's something I can talk about yeah yeah and I was on the subway and then moderately full not crazy but there's a

young lady who looked normal kind of in shape African-American lady 20s had like a yoga pants situation and t-shirt love that and a shopping bag and she walked up the thing and passed and you know you just kind of go there's a woman you're always aware of your surroundings sure she walked down there and then she walked back by which I thought was unusual I must be looking for a seat whatever I'm reading and then she walked by again and so I looked up and I start seeing the faces of the people looking at her going once this and so you start to go maybe there's a situation here this lady from 59th Avenue in Lexington Avenue 59th

Street in Lexington Ave all the way to 34th Street where I got off the train which is about six stops walked back and forth without stopping in the car in the car in the car and then I know she started to get kookier but she was kind of attractive but looked like she was on meth maybe her first time doing meth whoa or something or she was just trying to get her steps in that's what I was thinking up and down back but she was pretty you started to see she'd get a little kookier and then she started going oh it was interesting because she had a nice enough body to make love too careful there Jesus Christ that's a

hell of a stretch wow I wonder if she was trying she was just having a drug day you know some days like I'll do blow today yeah I think it might be a drug day wow fascinating and then you just want to go what is it are you drugged up are you crazy talk to me a kooky nut and you want to talk to the other people like what do you think crazy right right and then you have the people that are like hey she says trouble or whatever and you're like all right all right whatever it can we just I thought it'd be fun to poke fun a little bit yeah I just want to get to the bottom of this top yeah so that was fun it was interesting I don't

know no that is interesting I like that that's why I like that misconnections because you finally tell the truth you know you go hey you stared me I stared at you I had a boner you thought I was you know Shia LaBeouf what would you think and then they go I was attracted to you it's like there's all these things happening between people's heads that you never know about that you finally get to reveal does that still exist make connections I think it's called Craigslist now the cough hit me I felt sorry sorry was it flim I don't know I felt air I felt like a real heat all right off heat they said I talked to Dr. Steve I said

you sure we got a blowjob happening at the end cats eating its pussy what a way to wrap this thing up real button how weird you just lick your own body I know right all that hair to imagine licking your pubes oh it seems so unpleasant I've licked other people's pubes sure sure and I hated it yeah it's not good shave that shit dudes yeah yeah boys manscaped there you go oh geez all right well where you gonna be well double check I don't have anything I'm gonna be I don't know I'm working on something oh right you got to cancel gigs yeah I don't have gigs for a while something big cooking I've got something pretty big

very big game fish or a Marlin too big September 1920 23rd oh it can fail that's true could be a big fail no no it's 23 24 25 September Helium Philadelphia get tickets get them early for God's sake so I don't sell in Philly I gotta take my own life for God's sake oh go see the queef and then a bunch of stuff coming up bananas in New Jersey Mark Ridley's comedy castle believe it or not and there might be a trip to LA just for a day or two perhaps I'm gonna go that's a whole other story and then I'm coming to Vancouver finally in January and a bunch of dates I wish I knew them I don't have them with me they're over there but

check out Joe and run on talk movies we're doing a lot of fun stuff over that's got a small following and my mental jackets still exists few hundred people listen to that so check those out subscribe to my YouTube that's what I should that's the key to plug the YouTube trying to make that a thing and the next special will probably be on there which I'm looking to shoot maybe in the winter oh baby worry everybody's going you I mean shangile Stavros told me he's probably gonna go YouTube being Lara I think I think it's the new frontier hell yeah I spent some time with Stavros what I love

that guy love stuff I was at the stand five spots in the stand there all night and yet sometimes you'll be a little iffy over there and then Stavros I see him and he's like I'm here and I was like yes yeah yes we split over car ride back I kissed him on the lips he's so pleasant that I was watching him talking to him and I was going what is it about this guy that's so magnetic that's so likable well he laughs he's cute he's he's good fun and he's fun because he is woke but also extremely irreverent right you can get right kind of like a cats yes not this son of a gun this is no fun at all now although you can say the N

word around him and he doesn't budge that's true well he just grabbed you oh there we go we're doing a little fight here oh god look he's weak like a Cosby victim all right I'm all over the road Nashville the other one Richmond funny bone Portland helium Madison on state Wisconsin so comedy on state I'm I'm falling apart here so yeah come on out say hello Buffalo skyline Appleton Arlington Texas I'm all over Texas Albany funny bone West Palm Beach comedy connection in Rhode Island check out the specials check out the patreon we got the hot stuff cooking all week long I think best patreon in the biz when the

chucks on the ones and twos it's not too shabby get to New York your fat come guzzler and yeah we'll see in hell thanks for the love Greg says hi got it brazella