Tuesdays with Stories! - #413 Sidewalk Weep

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

Hey sloppy jalopies, we've got another hot ep as Joe has cookie misfortunes in Royersford before seeing some skin on a plane while Mark has an audience member breakdown before train confusion heading home. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), & Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey everybody, welcome back to Tuesdays with Stories. We are coming to you live from Greenwich Village, New York City, the hottest city in town. Come down and get your free Pepsi. Alright, free Pepsi.

When I was a kid, we used to drive to Florida. It was a big deal. And right when you hit Florida, you go to the welcome center and you got free coax. And it was so exciting. Like, oh my God, we're getting a coke. Love a coke. I told you when I was in Harlem, our refrigerator broke. And so I told the landlord, Mary, who was about 125 years old.

Sure. Mary. I said, oh Mary. I said, hey Mary, hey Mary, the refrigerator broke. And she went, oh. Y'all want to put your coax in my fridge? Nah. And I said, no.

Is this in Harlem? This is in Harlem. This is in Kentucky. Well, you know, is that not a good black? Oh, I thought that was like a southern old conch, like a Kentucky fried coos. Well, sometimes black and southern is similar, right? Sure, sure, but Harlem is, that's a thick New York. Y'all want to put my coax in a fri...

I can't, I feel like this is going to get ugly if I keep trying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going full, going with the wind here. Y'all want to put your coax in my fridge? Damn girl. Yeah, yeah. It was something, some kind of accent. I can't, I've never gotten any accent right, other than maybe an Irish occasionally if

I sing it. Irish is hard. Ah, you fucking bloody mickey. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about with your tiny dick. That's pretty good. I heard a little Scottish in there. Yeah, it was a little, you know what I gotta do? I gotta, if I can sing it a little bit.

I remember Dublin city in the rare old times. That's good. I want to, I want to, what is it? Cask and ale? Cask and flagging? Yes. That's a bar. God hates flagging.

But yeah, I don't know. I remember the Coke pretty well. Harlem fridge and you just gave up soda. What's that you said? You know, well you didn't just give up soda. Oh, oh, I see what you mean. Dan Soder. I got to talk to him occasionally, but.

Yeah, well, he's bad for you. No, I gave it up to sweet smack dab cold shoulder. Yep. Brown turkey because I had the reflux issue and they said, you know, Coke is a thing. So I just cut it out about two and a half years ago. It was, I went to John Mellencamp at the Beacon Theater and that was my last Coke. Wow. Good way to go out.

Here comes the cat. This cat. Okay, cat. Watch this. I'll get it to come over here with the condensation. Oh, wait. He loves liquids. He's a real come guzzler.

Well, he'd love my mother's pussy in the 80s. Sure. Those are the good wet years. Oh, he spotted it. Look at this. He loves condensation. But he's moved on. Oh, now we go.

I gave him an ice cube when he really leapt it up. Do you ever trim the whiskers? Because the whiskers are longer than my cock on my best birthday. They're out of control. It's a problem. He's a little disheveled. We trimmed other things with the whiskers. They say if you cut them, it throws them off.

They're like, because they actually balance you. I've heard that. Yes, if you did. And the eyebrow hair. Look at those things. Look at that. It's like an old man in a home. Trying to mess up that soup in a deli.

Maybe the sea was angry that day. My friend. Sorry, I went sip and you went tech. Oh, sorry. So we had some dead air there. I feel like everybody, isn't it fun? You can kind of fuck with people. It's like Andy Kaufman and shit where everybody was just tapping their headphones for a second.

Like every single person listening just was like, oh shit, something happened. I don't know. It wasn't that long, was it? That was a good, but you know, you and I, it's like machine gun tits. I love machine gun, great bam. So even just one Mississippi, they're all going up fuck. Because I have it when I listen to podcasts, sometimes anytime there's a lull, I'm like, yeah, here it goes.

Because you always have that thing where you're like, everything's about to go wrong. That's true. As soon as there's a lull, I'm like, my hair phones are broken. My mother hates me. My father's got a huge cock. Yeah. My sister's black. I'm the same way.

Because it always, now you ever have it just turns pause and you're like, it just pauses on you and you go, oh, oh, then you got to hit the play again. Like I didn't hit pause. I think those air pods, they get a little wonky because you tap them and they go classical, rock, rap, reggae, gay porn. What's with the tap? I've had it. It's tapped by accident.

It gets loose. So I push it in and the phone call hangs up. I know. I was in the middle of a sentence. You hung up on me and I was like, I tapped my ear. I'm sorry. It's the pod. They're two sets.

It's all new. It's new technology. So we're all coiffing all over it. We've got to figure it out. At one point, I'm sure this guy, you know, you just hit it like in the last few days. You know those where you just go, operator, ain't just hit it. That thing? What are you talking about?

You crank it. The rotary. Not even a rotary was the number and you put your finger in like a clit. This was like, you just, you row it or you crank it and then you pick it up and then it talks. And then they used to have to plug in the things. Yes. They'd be like, plug me into 27.

Yeah. How did that? And they had the lady do it with a cigarette and a visor. Yeah. It's weird. I mean, phone numbers are wack. You watch The Godfather. He's like, give me Long Beach 598.

Yes. Yes. And then you put your phone in a couple of numbers and I remember I've said this before when I started comedy, I started so long ago. I got seven digit numbers in my phone. Whoa. Back then you could dial seven digits. You didn't need an area code.

Oh, how about this? How about this one? You make, can I make a call? Long distance. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's gonna cost me 12 cents. It's local.

What was the opposite of long distance? Local. No. Was it local? I think it was local. I don't know if it was local. I think it was local. It's close range.

It's a local call. It's a local. Yeah. Boy, you still got a little moisture in your cock. Oh, no. Isn't that crazy that I was, I was on death's door. I mean, I could barely move my, I couldn't think. My eyeballs hurt.

My dick hurt. My pussy hurt. And now I'm like, I'm at like 98%. Yeah. It's pretty good. You're working it. But no one seemed to mind that we did the... I read a few like, fuck the split screen.

I'm like, well, next time we just won't do it then. How about that, dickless? Yeah. I didn't see any. I didn't get any backlight. But the people that complain, I think I've already blocked or they hate me or whatever. There you go. That's the way to do it.

But you can't please everyone and you can't please yourself. No, you can't. According to the Catholic Church. You know what I was talking about earlier? Oh shit. I had nothing. I've never liked this. How do you feel about this?

Jokes where you've heard masturbation as sex, but alone, where you're like this, where someone's like, ah, I had sex. Yeah. Alone. I've always been like, well, that doesn't really make sense. That's not sex. I'm so with you. Like there's a lot of, there's a million jokes like that.

Yeah. I've had sex a bunch. I bet you were alone. Yeah. Well, that's not sex. That's not sex. I don't get it. It's such a stretch.

It's a stretch. It's like when people go, go fuck yourself. And they go, I do it every night. And you're like. But you didn't fuck yourself. You just jerked off. Exactly. So you see my point.

I see the point. I always see my point. I also dislike that joke. There's a lot of jokes I dislike. You know what's what I dislike? And this is this, I might be stepping on your balls here. I'm nervous. When they go, and it's just done to death.

We got the joke. It's so repetitive when they go, I had a horrible experience at the drug store. Not going to say which one. CVS. Oh yeah. Everybody does that. But it rhymes with tight aid. Yeah.

And you're like. Oh, that joke. Exactly. We got that joke. 88. It's done. Yep. We'll just call it GVH or whatever.

That's a bad example. But you know what I mean. They do a thing. Oh, I'm saying CVS. Yeah. Yeah. I hate. I don't know why.

I hate that joke. It's just such a lazy mister. I said I'm not going to say it, but I said it. Whoa. We did. I went to Royersford with J.P. McDade, jalapeno poppers McDade and Steve Rogers, big dick. Huge cock. Huge cock.

And, uh, and Sarah Talamosh, by the way, rude awakening. I've been going down to Royersford bringing Louie with me and it's just that there's people are sitting up in the rafters and it's packed and there's a line. It looked like, you know, the, the fucking funeral scene in the Godfather. There's cars everywhere and backing up trucks and they got the orange lights and the boop, boop, boop. Right. Right.

Yeah. People on the shoulders and I go, I'm coming down. Yeah. Special guest. Yeah. Not a special, special guest. Sure. No special needs.

Boy, oh boy. Wow. Rogers was there. But my God. I mean, we're talking 38 people spread out. Oh, you hate to see it. Nice. Yeah.

Nice. I appreciate you guys coming. A lot of gays, but, uh, that's a big dome. Yeah. It's a hell of a dome. Yeah. And before I was bringing Louie, he's giving me those big Ed McMan checks. They like the huge box.

They publish a clearing house and then I'm giving people, you know, I like to, I'm a socialist. So I'm going, Hey, there you go. Hey, Isabel, his 900 bucks say Rogers is 800. And I got the, you ever get this when someone goes, I think this is a mistake and you go, that's no mistake, buddy. Boy, enjoy it. And then this time I had to be like, Hey JP, I'm giving you 28 bucks and a, and a hand

job on the way home. You're like Rogers. Can I borrow 40? Yeah. I'm sorry, pal. So I gave them each 25 bucks. I made 60 and I got the hell out of there. Oh, that's a long ride home.

You're not getting home before one. It's impossible. No, we hustle. We went to the ice cream place. They're on a chocolate chip. They don't carry the chocolate chip anymore. Yeah. You're coming to join you.

It's brutal. Here's a side note, Big Dick Rogers, I don't know if we cemented it or if you blew them or what, but everywhere that kid goes, at least from what I've seen, he walks into, you know, Wegmans. They go, Big Dick Rogers, that guy, every entrance to any venue, it's Big Dick Rogers, huge cock. How are you looking at that hog there, sloppy Jalopy? I mean, you know, you did a wheelbarrow for that thing everywhere.

He worked at Wegmans, you know. No way. He's the Wegmans guy. He taught me about the cookie, but everyone keeps getting the wrong cookie at Wegmans. It's the sandwich cookie. You got to go. They get the big cookie. That's the two different things.

I'm confused. They have the special cookie. I've talked about the Wegmans cookie and I feel bad. First of all, Steve Rogers, two of the most, the nicest guy in the history of the place. Sure, sweet kid. Two huge faux pas, social faux pas ever. One was we're at Royersford and some guy, all we ever talked about is the Wegmans cookie, the greatest chocolate chip cookie in history.

That's what I keep here. I never had it. So a guy out of the kindness of his own asshole went out and bought a tub of cookies from Wegmans. Oh, okay. Now, a Tuesday, but he doesn't know there's a special cookie. They have cookies they make in their own bakery, but then there's like the sandwich deli cookie. They have a sandwich shop in the, in Wegmans and those are the cookies that individually

wrapped and they're like this special kind of cookie. It's the best cookie. It's better than better than the grocery. The Wegmans. It's a Wegmans sandwich deli cookie and it's just unbelievable, but they have other cookies over here in the cookie section. So this gentleman brought us a big tin of very good cookies, but not the Wegmans cookie. So he hands it to us and goes, there it is.

I went and got you the cookies Tuesdays for life and Steve Big Dick Rogers just goes into the wrong cookies. I go, what are you doing? What, of course, to the wrong cookies. He doesn't know what he's doing. He bought us some garbage that we have to pretend to like now, but can you just let him walk away? Yes.

It's the thought you queef. Let him have it. He thought, just let him go and then we throw him in the dumpster and go get some real cookies. Like a newborn. But Rogers just throws it out there and faux pas number two. This is a few years ago. Rick Rogers is dad, one of my, my favorite guys, big dick and big Rick. So big Rick is sitting there and you know, the namespaces, this is at Buffalo Helium

48 years ago. And so I go, hey, what is, uh, what's your old man's name again? And he goes, Rick, it's Rick Rogers. That's his name. I go, what are you doing? I've known him six months. I'm supposed to know the name. Don't you see what I'm doing?

I'm so with the air. Maybe it's a thing we have where, because we want everything to run smoothly with everybody to get hurt, with everybody to get upset. So like even today I'm at this thing with Netflix and like one guy'll make a joke and I just go, oh yeah, yeah. And one guy goes, what does that mean? I'm like, just go with it. Now the guy's upset.

Now he's got to explain it. I just go with it. I don't want to make waves. Just go, I hate a wave except for the ocean it heals, but, uh, sure, sure. You know, we've all done it before, but my God. Yeah. Yeah. Come on.

That's a twofer right there. Twofer Sullivan. Who the fuck's twofer? I was thinking of Kiefer Sutherland. Kiefer. I don't know if it's twofer Sullivan. Not bad. Okay.

That's a guy from Charlestown. Look at the foot on that thing. That's a bit. That's all foot. Pause. Take pause. Hit the pause button. Oh, let me tell you this real quick.

Yeah. So Royersford was, it was a lightly attended, but fun. Good time. Great trip. JP's real funny, funny guy. Yeah. He's tall. Nine feet, four inches tall, very funny.

Great hang. Oh, this is what made me think of Royersford because we were talking about the pet peeves. We did on the way home. We were like, what's some comedy pet peeves? And then we just all went off all the hack shit, the annoying shit, the little things you hate. Love it. And it went on for about two straight hours.

Yeah. I mean, there are others, but we'll keep going. Of course. But then you, Sarah and I were talking later, you always have to like be conscious of the other people's acts in the car. Exactly. Because you're like, I'll tell you what I hate. Here's the one I hate number one.

You know what? I forgot it. Exactly. Kind of forgot about it. Yes. Dead on. I was even worried with the, the CVS thing. I was like, does he have that?

But even Mulaney's got one of those and he's great. I had a weird thing recently where we were talking about, it was, it was quite a star standard event. It was Gary Goleman, Colin Quinn, John Mulaney, myself. Where was this? This was at the cellar. This is like the great whites. Yeah.

It was quite a, quite an evening. And so we're all talking and I was telling some stories about when comedians talk about how someone stole their joke. And then you're like, oh man, that's crazy. Tell me about it. And then they tell you a premise that you're like, oh, that's funny. Stolen. What are you saying?

That's been done. And so it's like a Bob Hope. And it's just a premise of like, oh, so my bet is I stepped in dog shit and said, where's the dog shit? I can't think of it, but it was like something that you're like, the premise is like that guy stole my beer. What's the bet? It was about how awkward it is to buy condoms and you're like, what are you crazy?

But anyway, so I did that. And then one of these acts, I don't want to say which one did a joke, very similar to an old joke of mine, but I was too self conscious to say something because we had just had that conversation. All right. So it's just out there. And it's one of those things where I don't care because it was on my Netflix special. So you got it on wax.

Yeah. But I know they probably want to know. Of course. So you at least you put the ball in their court just like, Hey, I don't care. I don't. It's over for me. Yeah. But just, you know, like that bit does exist here, but it was so uncomfortable because

we had all been talking about how annoying it is when people say, Hey, I did that bit. Yeah. Now they're like, geez, Joseph Suss with stealing jokes. Yeah. So I gotta just go. All right. Well, I'll say it some other day, I guess. That is tough.

That's a tough one. Yeah. A lot of those. And I've definitely put my own foot in my gut before. So I'm scared to talk around a lot of people sometimes now. I got to be real close because I've had people pull me saying, Oh, you said this and his wife died of AIDS and you made the AIDS stuff like, Oh, shit. I didn't know that.

Oh, those are the worst. I've been in that. I've been in that so many times. I can't tell you because I'll do the whole gamut. Cancer, AIDS, miscarriage, pregnant, abortion, Ku Klux Klan. You name it. And then I hit somebody's bullseye. I'll tell you that.

I'm just thinking about my old roommate when you're like, what's up with the Samoan? And he was right there. He just had a sheet for a door. I don't even hear you. Well, I was really tuned up too, I should point out. The good old days. Yeah. Those were some days.

Speaking of good old days. Can I tell you, I had the best comedy weekend I've ever had in my life this last weekend. I can't wait to hear about it. I've been dying to hear about it. I checked in a couple of times, but I need you to just take both fists and shove them right up my ass all and then spread them and clap. I'll keep it tight and I'll keep it action packed, but you got to remember, okay, let's set the table here.

Knives, spoons, forks, napkin, plate, wine glass. I'm sick. You saw me. You were like, I'm not coming over there. You heard the cough. It was gurgly. It was flimmy. It was gross.

Moist. Yes. And I said, okay, I had this big weekend. He sold out seven shows, almost eight, eight and, you know, whatever, seven, whatever, seven change. Seven change. Thank you. It's like when they go, hey, he's a book 50, soaking wet.

I hate the soaking wet. I don't like soaking wet. Yeah, you don't like soaking wet. No, I don't care for it. I don't mind. So what do you know? What do you not like about soaking wet? Well, I've just been around forever, the soaking wet.

I heard it in the 80s. Yeah. I hate five foot nothing because that's from Rudy and then people just kept doing it as though it's not just a line from Rudy. He's five nothing. Right. I've gotten five foot nothing. Yeah.

A hundred and it was five foot nothing. A hundred and nothing. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. All right. I don't care for it. What about this?

This is a weird one. He's 50 if he was a day. Yeah. I never understood that. I never got that one either. 10 stories high if he was a foot. I like that one though. That one's funny.

Yeah. All right. I think that's actually making fun of the other ones. Right. But okay. So I'm sick. I'm going into this amazing weekend. I got the Murph Dog, Sean Murphy, one of the best features I've ever worked with.

I hate to say it because now eight guys are going. But this guy is just a murdering machine, great bits, original, funny, good guy, low maintenance. He's every box checked. Good dude. Looks like you're stunt double. Oh boy. Not you, but stunt.

Stunt. The stunt is always ugly. All right. All right. Stunt like growth. All right. And I got Umar Khan hosting. Great guy.

Great comic. Kid runs Baltimore. He's Pakistani. And we just had just one of those weekend, but it was like, all right, I'm sick, but I love Philly. It's like one of my favorite, probably is the favorite club. So you want to get after it, but then you got the Netflix in a week. I know.

I know. I'm literally shooting tomorrow. Isn't that crazy? It's wild. Yeah. I was there all day doing bullshit production. It's still not a hundred percent. Still not?

Yeah. 98 probably. My battery is charging. I'm almost there. Yeah. So I go, all right. I can't drink. No booze.

It's so hard and no staying out late and get sleep and do the, and kill the shows and work on your act. So I got to tell you a sober, I've never done a weekend sober in my life. I don't think it was fun. Oh, it's good. Fun. You're present. You're present.

Oh yeah. Because what happens is you end up drinking and then the next day you're fighting the tiredness, the hangover and just trying to get through the sets. They can drink again. So you're actually not really focusing. Yeah. It's no good. You feel like shit.

You're in the way. Yes. You're like, ah, I got this dumb show. I hate a show because I want to drink 78 fucking cocktails. Right. And then you're doing that thing where you're mapping out like, all right, we got two shows tonight. So the first show I have one, then the second show I have another and now after the show

I'll be buzzed. Yeah. Like I'll go up with a full, I'll drink the first beer and then I have a beer in between and then the second show I'll do a shot before and a shot on stage and then you're like, okay, that'll get me pretty good and I won't ruin the show that way. I thought I was the only one. So that's nice to hear. Yeah.

You don't want to ruin the show, but you want to get through the show, then you want to black out by one, bars are closing, whatever it is. So don't drink and you're so present, but I'm still yacking and coughing and hocking up shit. Shit's coming out of my nose. I fell back because these poor guys are watching me like, I'm sorry. I'm that guy in the green room. Just, you know, the napkins doing one of these.

And I'm that guy all weekend, but it was, it was a buzz in the air because the shows were sold out. It's, it's gays, it's fans, it's comedy people, it's Philly and I got this Netflix thing. So they're all going, what do you close it on? You close on this? How's it? And it turned into this joke lab and it was this great weekend where we're going, we're tinkering and I'm like, I want a call back here, but I can't think of what you do that

one joke about the black kid as the callback and I'm like, I'll try it. Tried it. Didn't work. I got an idea. And then I would try it and try it and we finally got it. God, this is like a dream come true. This is the fun. I love a joke lab.

It was a joke lab. It felt like the scene in Seinfeld where they're like, no, no, he passes the note and the montage music. I got it. I got it. Yeah. So it was just that leading up and we're like, this is the sixth show. We got two more.

We got two more. So then I go to bed and think about it and Murphy's texted me a while, I think I got something here. And then I go, oh, let me write that down. So then I'm doing it in my room the next day. Murphy's Law. Yes. Murphy's Law.

Murphy Brown. Yes. Murphy Brown. Yes. Murphy bed. Dropkick Murphy. About. All right.

So just a great time and just every day I'm getting a little less sick, a little less sick and we're just having these killer shows Thursdays, great Fridays, great. Now here comes Saturday. Here comes Saturday. Here comes Saturday. Right down Saturday. So here comes Saturday. First show, you know, it's one of those things where Oomar gets off.

They're good. Not as good as last night, but good. When Murphy gets off, he goes, they're a little chatty, but they're good, but this guy's drunk on the right. So they're always giving these tips. So I go out there. Ah, no, man. Two is gay.

I queef it up. Praise Allah. All right. All right. Comedy. All right. All right. All right.

Then I'm doing all these jokes, whatever. And one guy goes, what about the Jews? And this guy, big white motherfucker goes, fuck them. Oh, Jesus. And so now the place is in a hoot nanny. It's a whole rigamarole. Oh boy. So then how about this?

The waiter goes over there and he goes, hey man, that ain't cool. He's a Jew. Whoa. So then they throw him out. He goes, well, you, you heard what I said or whatever. So now they go melee and you see the whole thing and then the big black guy comes in and he's doing this shit. They pull him outside and they go at it outside.

And then the guy breaks down. He's like, I'm a plumber. I didn't work the whole pandemic. I finally got to come out. This is my first night out. I went a little too hard and he starts weeping on the sidewalk. Oh my God. It was insane.

A sidewalk weep. A sidewalk weep and then an SWW. So then the, uh, the bouncer comes in and he tells us the whole story and then he breaks down. He's like, ah, it's hard out here. I don't care if you call me the N word. I get it. We're all trying to have fun.

We're like, that's good to know. So he comes in and then he tells his whole story. It was one of those things. It was like 20 minutes. We're all like, that was excessive, huh? Wow. What is he? The Dalai Lama?

He doesn't care if he gets caught in the world. That's what I said. He was like this peaceful, wise, old bouncer. He's like, I've been through some shit. I've had eight wives. My son's gay. I'm black. Whatever.

He sees like 80 feet tall. He's a huge black guy. Wow. And then he leaves. I'm like, all right, I got to tip him. And then the waiter comes in. I'm like, what happened? They're like, oh, that guy was fucking nuts.

They threw him out. He was on opioids. It was a whole thing. Now is the guy a bigot? Was he just trying to be funny? I think he was trying to be funny. The girl he was with, she was like some trashy lady. She's like walking.

She goes, he's not racist. I'm half Jewish. She's some Philly coos. And then they throw her out with him. They throw the whole trash out for Monday. And it was just a wild night. And since I was sick, I couldn't go out there. I couldn't do a meet and greet.

I was like, I feel weird about it. I feel weird selling shirts. So I just stayed in that green room and boy, it's warm in that cocoon. It's nice. Yeah. It's so nice. I think the same thing. I always, I feel like you come off stage and it's great shows and you want to say hello

because it's fun and it's nice and you like to take photos and people say nice things. Sometimes they give us gifts, which is amazing. But it is easier to just be like, woo, laying in the back. You wish there could be like a half hour between where like you do the show and then you come down and you're thinking about this bit and that bit. I don't know about you, but my back is sore after I carry the stress in my back because I'm tight and I'm like, Oh, that's crazy. Look at this guy.

And afterwards I'm like, Oh my God, and you got to go right out there, which is even more stressful because there's a lot of fucking numbskulls. Our fans are so nice. Yes. They go, I'm a huge gay. Tell Mark to blow me. Here's a gift card. Right.

Right. But then there's the, it's the non-fans. Yeah. You wish they could just be a thing. So you stand out there and they go, you should keep it up or whatever or like that was pretty funny. Yeah. And you're like, okay, thanks.

Sorry. One of those, we saw a guy here last week. He was a little better. What was his day? Harlan Williams. But he was a man. You were all right. We saw Harlan Williams.

Oh my God. I was like, all right, all right. We got it. And you got to sit there. Or else they go, this guy's a dick. We met him once. He was a cunt. We called him a fag.

And then he yelled at us. What's his problem? Any slight teeterage from smile. And they're like, Whoa, whoa, sorry, Mr. Famous. I didn't know you were a thing. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what to say. Yeah.

They take it out of you. They sit there for like eight minutes and you can see other people lined up waiting. And you have to kind of be like, there's other people. Oh, I didn't know you were a big, Mr. Big Shot, so you got to go wait for your fans. And I'm like, I just want to say hello. They're standing here trying to say hello. Yeah. There's 48 people waiting patiently.

And the other line is forming for the next show. So it's not all about you there. It's the same guy with the overhead. You know, he's taking the whole, the whole plane is waiting and he's going, let me get that wheel over. Cock one inch over here. Hey, the one inch cock. I have one of my pants right now.

Diver's Curse. Oh. Yeah. So just a great weekend and then we got two shows on Sunday. Now I don't want to get two in the weeds here comedically, but just all great weekends, getting good sleep, taking some drugs, really snoozing. I'm sleeping like one. I mean, when was the last time you slept a one?

I mean, like 1975. Yeah. Same here. I never sleep. I just, just soak it in and Sunday comes around, now you've done six hours under your belt. I was twerking, twerking, twerking. And then I don't know what kicked in, but I walked out, Mark, you walk out there.

I was just in it. I had the best set I've ever had in my entire life. Wow. Sunday? It felt, Sunday first show, I was surfing. It was the wave. I was in the zone. I was riffing.

I would go on like a five minute tear and it would be hitting and I got it all on audio. Wow. That's a good feeling. Oh man. All those thoughts you had. I just went off on like canceling and this and it was all working and it was like a therapy thing and the bits were working and I tied it all back in and it was no fear. I had no fear because I had done six hours and you're almost like sick of it.

You're like, I don't even want to really be here. So then you have no inhibition. No inhibition. It's all about reps. I mean, that's the thing. Yes. I remember, you know, end of 2019, I did 20 straight weeks in a row on the road. Right.

And then it becomes nothing. Nothing. That thing of like, hey, can you go do 50 minutes? Yeah, I'll be right back. Hold on. And then you just start, you're so loose, you know it so well. It's like the thing with like, they say what acting, you got to memorize your lines and then forget them.

Right. So that way it's like, you know them but you're not remembering them being like the cat trumped over the asshole. You're just like, hey, the cat jumped up my asshole. You dirty motherfucker. Right. Oh my God. Yes.

So true. But you see what I mean. Great way to put it. It's got to be second nature and then when it's second nature, you're not thinking about it. So you can think about other shit and you're just zooming. You're in the zone. You're quaffing, you're quaffing and the audience was with it and I had a camera guy there.

You got to film everything. And the camera guy, Eric Mann came in and he goes, he was like, that, that was something. That was really special because there's a vibe. I don't want to get spiritual and cunty here, but the crowd is in it. You're in it. It's like this, this unit. You're all one somehow. It's very like Buddhist-y, tick-knot.

It's organic. Dick. There you go. Like salmon. I love the second nature. I hate first nature. Yes. First nature sucks.

You don't hear about first. No. First nature blows, but second nature, very good. Yeah. But man, that is a great feeling. I mean, it's such a special weekend and I texted you, but you know, Netflix special is very exciting. Yes.

I can't wait to see it. There's a lot of shitty Netflix specials. Oh yeah. There's not many people adding shows at comedy clubs. We sold out. We got to add another show. We sold out. We got to add another show.

That is a bigger accomplishment than Netflix because Netflix, they go, all right, well, we got to meet some quota, get this person, that person seems nice, that person's okay. Not to take from the Netflix. I'm proud to be on Netflix. I'm proud of you to be on Netflix. I get it. We're selling out all the shows that special and we have a story that we always share about a comic that ended up being huge.

We sold out the very same club, added shows and he says, he's like, that was the moment. Right. I sold out Philly Helium, added shows and sold every ticket and after that it was, whew. So you're going to have a shitty year in about six years. Yeah. That'd be really bad. Well, I'll enjoy the six, but this is what's great about you and I've said it before and I'll say it again, don't worry.

It's a fake plant. Okay. I love fake plants, but I had a fake tree my whole life on Christmas says a lot about me, but you can see through the shit. You're good. You're not seeing through the shit, but you have a good, everybody goes Netflix. That's the top garden. That's it.

But you see, no, that's the top. You don't get swayed by the smoke. Well, that's big. I mean, because that's people going, here's my money. Let me get in to see that. Right. Right. This is some asshole in a suit.

Nice people. I appreciate Netflix. It wouldn't mind being on again, but that's the guy going, you know what, we'd like to be in business. We'd like to be in the Mark Norman business. These are people that just finished cleaning shit out of a pipe toilet going, hey, I wouldn't, here's 20 bucks. Let me go see Mark.

I want to yell about the Jews in the back. Exactly. And boy, did they. So you got a point. You're right. You got a good head up there on that big swivel and lanky bag of skeletons. Well, I've lived, you know. Really lived.

I've been out there. I've been over and out. Oh, anyway, speaking of living, we got a, we got a couple sponsors, as you folks know. You got that right. One of them is, oh wait, Tuesdays for Stories is brought to you by Sheath Underwear. That's right. That's a sexy pair of underwear. I think I'm wearing the exact pair right now.

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already knew that, so get 20% off at lucy.co with code Tuesdays. Thank you. Yes. Yes. I don't know how to put this thing up, but Murph Dog at one point, just greatest guy. I'm going to try to get him in the cellar. Yeah. Yeah, he's earned it.

He lives in New York. Yeah, Queens. I know, he can't catch a goddamn break, but he's a club guy. I don't know if he's bounced around these bar shows. I'm sure he would, but I don't really know if he is, but he goes, okay, we've got two Sunday shows, but you're headlining, so while you're on stage, I'm going to hightail out of here and get on that midnight train to Georgia, back to the city, and I went, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's a Sunday train?

I'm on the Monday at 11, and he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I go, well, I'm getting on that. He's like, you're not going to make it because this shows at 1030, whatever, whatever, and he's like, I'll make it because I could run out, but you got to do an hour after me. Right. So I was like, oh, shit. So I look into it and I go, I think I'm going to try it. We get off stage.

We plan the whole thing out. The guy gives me the check right when I get off. He's got a car waiting. We jump in the car. We get there. We make it. Trains delayed. Oh, that seems good.

I guess, but it was delayed by like an hour and change. So now it's like a one-something train, so now we don't get home dull at 330. He's like, all right, I'm going to take the train to Queens now, and I'm like, oh, this train was this. It says derelicts and weirdos, you know, the night train is a different beast. I'm on a night train. Yeah. It was, yeah.

Everybody's got their pillow. It's like fat people with their pillow. They hog both seats, and then you're going walking down. You got your suitcase. You feel like a little kid. It's dark. The people snoring. The baby crying in the distance.

Some Spanish is yelling over there, and you're like, God, I can't get a seat. And then the guy goes, folks, this is a sold out train. You got to move those pillows. You got to move those bags. And then they all go, God, and then I sit next to some guy, he's like, God. That sounds awful. And then you can hear the ranchero in the head, in the headphone, like, how loud you need it?

And he's doing this shit. I hate that. I hate that the music through the thing, because it's just subtle, and you just want to, you know what, you want to tap it like we talked about earlier, so it goes dead for a second. I know. You want to tune it out. And even my AirPods, they go, and they suck out a lot of noise, but I can still hear

it. That's how loud they were. And one lady's like yelling, and he goes, you know, like gestures that are like, fuck you. And then he laughs. And I was like, man, this guy's no joke. So I don't want to mess with him. But I'm just sitting there, and me and Murphy, he's next to me, and we're texting, what about

this for the closer? What about that for the closer? We're still going at it. We're still noodling. Yeah, I was annoying. I was really bothering the guy, I'm sure. But he gets to, we get to Penn Station, we get out, and it's some reels. It's like a casino.

It's just limping, and then amputees, and hobos, and ashy. And eventually, we get up to the roof, or the flat level, what do you call that? The ground? The platform. Thank you. And he goes, I'm going to take the train. I go, dude, it's like four in the morning. You're not going to get a train.

He's like, I'll probably get home at about six. And I'm like, take some money. Get an Uber. So he took some cash. You got an Uber. Thank God. And I go, do you have that train app? We look to see where the next train is.

Three minutes, I go, I can make it. The A train. I run downstairs. I miss it. I miss it. I miss it. I miss it. It's 25 minutes till the next one.

Oh. And I waited. You can't walk. You should walk. I guess I should. But then you can't walk up 6th Avenue anymore. Not anymore. The sun goes down.

Forget about it. It's like fucking hell's ass all over here. It is. It's Satan's taint. And I had a bag. I got a laptop. I got a zoom. I got a dildo.

I couldn't do it. So I just waited the 25, and I T goes, oh, I'm already in bed, you fat bitch. I'm like, damn. Well, how about this? Speaking of how it's crazy out in the streets, you remember my Austin story from just a few weeks ago, where the guy's got in my face, the two guys, and I had to run. Well, you're not going to believe this. Uh-oh.

It happened again. I'm like, I'm a nerd. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a cuck. I'm a something wrong with me. I don't know what's going on, but the problem is I keep going for strolls everywhere because I like to stroll. I like to stroll, too.

I love a stroll. Underrated. I'm all stroll. I got nine foot legs. It takes me six paces to go 100 yards. Yeah. Yeah. You're on a stroll.

Dick Nothon and I like to have a mindful walk. So I was in Salt Lake City this weekend finally. I mean, I was supposed to book like two years ago in March of 87 and then they moved it because of COVID and then another COVID. Remember, I was supposed to be there in October. You saw the poster and he was like, well, I thought he canceled whatever. I drew on it. Finally got there and you drew more than I did.

There was nobody at these shows, but I got down there. Just kidding. It was, it was a good crowds all weekend. You get to Salt Lake City. But can I just say this? I'm going to. I might hurt some feelings. Salt Lake City.

I was on foot and I was by myself, but yeah, not impressive. It's a little messy and it's a little dull. Very dull. If you had a car, you can go to Park City or the mountains or hike or I'm sure there's a neighborhood. Right. It's like a neighborhood where you're like, we got to use clothes or the weird glasses or whatever.

Yes. Yes. Records. But walking downtown, I was like, here we go. I can't wait to take a bite of the city. You know, Carl Malone and John Stockton and sure, sure. The jazz. Yeah.

Whoever else? The jizz. New Orleans. So I go, I walk around and I'm like, this, this sucks. Yeah. But I was texting you a bit. You forget how much I love the road because I hate traveling. I hate flying.

That whole thing is all sucks. But once you're there, you got the hotel, the pool, your work, your right, you meditate, you watch TV because there's less options at home. You got Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, Blockbuster Video, Stone Video, you got all the shit. But on the, on the road, you're like, eh, saving Private Ryan's on. All right. Great. That's the score.

Back to the future marathon. I'm in. Yeah. Okay. Perfect. Plus you get, you know, you get the, the creams that you put on your dick. Ah, the lotion. The lotion.

And the basket. No one's around. So you can really put on the weird porn, stick the lube up your ass, the remote in your, you know, taint. Sure. It's a good time. But Sunday afternoon, I booked a later flight because it was $400 cheaper to fly it at 230. So there was an I hop and I was like, I'll run to the I hop.

Okay. I run to I hop. I get it. Two miles. So I run, have a nice run. And these downtowns everywhere else, you forget because I grew up in Boston, which is like a, just a great city, New York. A lot of these cities, the weekend, there's nobody there.

There's no nothing. Not in the downtown. It's a workplace. Yeah. Right. CBD. So I run to I hop. I have my breakfast.

Then there's a Starbucks, like a hundred yards down. I go there. I have a coffee and I'm like, I'll take an Uber back because I gotta go to the airport soon. But I was like, nah, I gotta make a couple of phone calls. I'll walk. I'll make my phone call. Love a walk call phone.

Sunday, 11 o'clock, sunny day, perfect day. I'm on the phone with wonderful comedian, Isabel Hagen. We're friends. I'm talking to her and I go, yeah, just blah, blah, blah, blah, bullshitting. And I see one of these crazy fucking people and I go, just a heads up, you know, I'm on the phone as though she's going to be able to do anything. Just a heads up as a fucking crazy guy about to walk by. She goes, all right, whatever.

And I go, so anyways, you know, I've been working on my anxiety and meditating. The guy's like, you mother fucker, you fucking crazy. And I go, I'm like, can you hear that? And she's like, oh my God, I hear him. That's crazy. And he walks by. But now I'm just nervous. I'm triggered from Austin because of these fucking psychos there.

And he's behind me now. So you don't want to look back, but he's still screaming and yelling. But now I got my back to him. So I'm nervous. So I'm, I'm stiffed up. And then I get there's like a 7-Eleven over here and there's a guy, a homeless, tweakery guy in front of the 7-Eleven. So I'm like, okay, he must have been yelling at that guy.

They're yelling at each other. It's not about me. Yeah. Then here's a third guy, triangulation of fire. And this is a little guy, scraggly, all crazy, and he's got a bike, but he's walking the bike and he goes, hey, you fucking bitch. And I turned because I was like, he must be talking to him. And then I look back and he goes, no, you get over here, you fucking bitch.

Come here. And I'm on the phone with a friend and I go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And they had somebody to listen to this and she's like, are you okay? I was like, in my ear, I got like, you want to call 911? What street are you on? And I just took off and I had a T and it was like spilling on my tits. And I was like, ah, and the guy's like, he goes, ah, I fucking got you, I fucking got you.

And I'm like, high step running. Oh my God, was it hard to run with the dress? It's so embarrassing. Oh my God. I got clogs on and I'm just going, ah, and I ran like Scooby Doo, it's like, and I took off and I'm like, it's happening again. It's happening again. She's like, oh my God, what do you want me to do?

And I'm like, I don't know. And the guy's going, fucking run, you bitch, but I'm like, what else am I going to do? I can't be fighting all these street people and there was a triangulation of fire and he's like, you fucking bitch. And he had a bike too. So I thought he might jump on the bike. So I'm like, I'm looking back and just, I just booked it like a fucking fat asshole. I just had three waffles and two, you know, no shakes with a whip, cream, I was bad.

So I'm spilling tea and puking waffles and ran around the corner. Now I'm like, all out of breath. I'm like, I'm sorry. You had to see that. She's like, no, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm fine. It was just some skinny crackhead, but I'm so jacked up and cracked up and crazy. Yeah.

Point and yell. I just take off. I mean, I get it, man. You've been through some shit. You've seen some shit. I mean, I come home and I look under the bed. I look, if my lady's out here and the place is dark, I'm like, somebody's in the closet. I mean, I grew up with that shit.

So I'm still tortured. It's harrowing and people act like, ah, whatever, it's good. We need crazy love and space. And I'm like, these are fucking completely insane people. And the guy's like pointing at you fucking bitch, get over here and starts like coming at you. Oh wow. So I'm like, what am I going to do?

Fucking throw him in a rear naked joke. Yeah. He's got AIDS and his needles everywhere. I know. He bites you and now you got saliva in there. And even if you're fighting, I'm like, what am I, I'm just going to punch you. I got bloody shit all over my, my tits and you're like, oh, time for my blue flight here.

Exactly. I'm like, I'm going to get out of here. But I was like, oh, and it's a bad, but at some point I got to, I'm going to get a gun and fucking carry it on my hip like, you know, why a twerp? I'm going to, I'm going to buy a little mace spray or something there. It's crazy. And I got to do this as a bit because every time this happens, I'll run it on the corner and I just see like some hipster and skinny jeans and a fedora off to the side, just walking

up the street holding hands with a woman and I'm like, all right, maybe I'm a big fucking pussy. Right. Right. And then it's just like people with a record collection and a vegan sandwich. Yeah. And I'm like, ah, maybe I'm a fucking just a huge cunt. You know what's interesting is that I get it.

I get what you're going through and then you always, yeah, you always see some like four year old girl scout selling cookies. I'm like, she's about to get her ass kicked, but you let it happen. I know. Like what are you insane? I know, but I've seen those guys do that shit like you fucking, I'll kill you. And then people are like, ah, and then another guy does it to him and he's like, oh, I've seen them get out crazy.

Right. Right. Fascinating dynamic. That's the thing. I'm like, I don't want anything to do with anyone that's mentally ill, street person. I'm like, just no chance. And you go to the gym and you spar and you do all this shit, but it's like, this is a different situation.

This is not a guy who's going to be like, hey, you got me, man. Good one. Right. And then you touch the gloves. It's a lose, lose, lose. Because if you fight the guy and lose, that's horrible. If you fight the guy and win, that's horrible. What are you going to, oh, I beat that crack head up.

How cool am I? And then you're like bleeding and you got his feces on you. And then if you run, it's a lose. Yeah. So it's a really a bad situation, but you did the best losing. Yeah. Even if you win, you still, well, then there's a chance they all gang up on you. I mean, you start fighting one of them.

There's two of them right here. Right. And then if you lose, it could be a bad law. Like I said, it's not like a, all right, you got the best of me. Good one. Yes, yes. This guy's going to stomp on my tits, take my wallet, shove my phone up my ass and call my parents.

Totally get the vibrate. Thank you. So, yeah, that was the situation, but let me rewind. Well, maybe I'll go in all kinds of orders. Guess what I saw on the airplane home. I'm going to give you three guesses. One of the coolest things you can see on it. You got it.

Come on. I'm telling you, you got it. I was trying to be goofy. No. I saw a nice, big, juicy nipple. What? What? I swear to God, a nipple on a plane.

So I'm getting on the flight, you know, a SLC to JFK, you know, VIP MVP. Sure. POW. Yeah. Sure. So I'm sitting there and you know, I had coach, I haven't flown a coach since the 70s because I got the platinum status. They keep upgrading my, that's a long coach right there.

Long coach. The Knicks guy. Pat Riley. Thank you. So at least I got, I got the aisle. Oh, by the way, fun story again. I'm all over the tits here, but just on them last night, I'm driving the old LCK home. And we're all, we're stuck on in traffic down here in this area.

And there's a car. We have a green light. There's a car pulled to the side of the road and there's just taken forever to get out. A driver gets out and opens the door and I was like, is this a celebrity right here? Grant Hill, which was pretty fun because it was a green light. And I was like, this is a blocking file. He's blocking us. Oh, there you go.

It was fun. It was cute. He was a sprite guy. Snap to photo. Yeah, that's right. But the basketball players are fun because they're so huge. They're like gigantic avatars. So you can't miss them.

Yeah. Handsome guy too. I can see that. But anyways, that was fun. He's over the hill. I'm waiting for the flight. I'm all bummed because I'm sitting in coach like an asshole and I'm sitting there and he, I saw a lady with like this big floppy hat, one of those like beach hats.

It's just all, it's like a 78 foot circumference. Yeah. I guess you can't pack the hat. That's what somebody wrote to me on Instagram. Oh, interesting. But I'm like, you can't pack a hat. It sounds like a lesson. You can't pack a hat.

That's what they always say. You can't be packing a hat. Yeah. But I'm like, what do you need a nine foot floppy on the plane? It's not a convertible. You're dumb to want. But whatever. Floppy disk.

But she's also got like the big heel. You don't see people you see traveling. They're like a dress and like six inch heels. Yeah. And it's one of those heels with the thing that wraps all the way up here. You know what I mean? Like a stringy wrap. This is a stripper or a hooker or something's going on.

She's very showy, obviously. She's a sexy showy. She had the big sunglasses. Yep. The huge floppy hat. And she's got a dress that's like a, a real low cut where it like comes down to belly button. Love a V.

So it's a lot of chest and then the dress slit like all the way up here. So when she steps, it's like that long leg with the, with the stringy heel. What is it? Diana Ross? This is unreal. So I sit, I'm way back in 21 D and I'm like the first one back there because I have platinum status. So you get on early, but I'm in the back.

So I'm the first one back there. And then I see the lady coming up and she's coming, coming, coming, coming. I'm coming. Oh boy. Yeah. Yeah. Me too. She sits 20 D. So she's one seat above and the dress is like an Afghan type dress where

it's like, is that an Afghanistan? No, like an Afghan blanket. Like with the holes in it. Oh, like a poncho. No, like an Afghan. Isn't that a common term? Afghan. Like it's a blanket that, but like it's sewed like a hole you can put your fingers through

the holes. Not the country. I see. Should I Google it? Yeah. I want to see an Afghan. What the hell's an Afghan? I don't know.

I mean, you might have some. That sounds very ethnic. Afghan blanket. Afghan. Who wears a blanket? Yeah. What does she have? A native American with smallpox.

That's it. What? What the holes? That's a dress. I'm saying, well, this is an Afghan, but the dress is Afghan like. Okay. It's quilted and Afghan are the same things. All right.

Quilted northern. All right. Fine. So anyways, it's a dress that's made of a quilt. Okay. Wow. It's a quilt dress. Quilt dress.

So she's in a quilted dress and then she gets in front of it and she's one of these people that doesn't just sit. She's got to like take out her shit and her meds and put this up there and over there. Like it's her office, but she's like right in front of me and bending down doing this. And I'm just, I'm not peeking or staring. I'm not a creep. No, no, no, no. So the guy and the TVs don't work yet because we're boarded.

So I'm just, you're observing just vision with the field of vision. And it was just like Seinfeld. I'm like, I'm not sure, but I think I see a nipple. Wow. And it was like a cleavage, but a bra less loose dressed hippie cleavage. Oh boy. And I'm going, I'm looking at a pair of tits right here. I can see like skin to nipple, areola, the whole thing.

Wow. I'd say it was a good eight seconds of nipple eight seconds is an eternity eight seconds of nipple. And I'm trying not to be an ass on a creep. So I'm just like looking away over here and then I'll glance back and cause again, like Seinfeld, it's a nipple. You can't, you can't stare. And it's not like I'm pulling the dress or looking at the thing.

That's right smack dab in front of my ass. And they're clanging and move cause she's shuffling. Well it's a tiny tit. It's like a, like a, like it's like no need for a broad. I see an A, A minus. Yeah. Hey, hey, I love that. And so I'm just looking right at it and nipple on a plane, never seen it before.

Probably will never see it again, but it's quite a treat. And it wasn't even sexual. It wasn't like I was like getting a heart on it was just like, uh, how about that? Yeah. It's a, it's a, it's enamoring a lady, a lady nip on a plane. It's really something. And you think about it the whole flight, like how about that about an hour ago? I saw a tit in the wild.

First class. Every time she went to go to the bathroom, I was like, I've seen you too. Yes. Look at that. And so I thank you to these, these outfits out here, the brahless Afghan dress tit women. God bless you. Thank you. See, that is something women will never have.

If a guy is wearing short shorts and he gets a ball slip or even a, even like a shaft slip. They're like, hey, buddy, hey, buddy, but we're like, it's like, you tell your friend. I know. It's the only one out there. If my middle seat guy had arrived, I would have been like, I know, I know, I think about that. I don't want to get a gay, but yeah.

Yeah. So, you know, no offense. I don't want to be a crazy psycho alchemist or what do you call it anarchist or some kind ofist. Yeah. You're racist. I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah. But yeah. I saw a nice pink nipple right on the plane. So Delta, we love to fly and it shows. Yeah. What, what age are we talking here? Cause this ain't Virgin Airlines. What are you talking?

What, what, how old do you think this tit was? I'm going to say 65, 67. What? No, I'm kidding. Oh geez. I was like, this changed the whole story. And I know we had cocoon here. Late 20s, early 30s.

Oh, perfect tit. I mean, good looking woman. This is like, this is a prime, you know, white nipple-y tit. Yeah. Pure. I wonder what she feels first class-ty to me. I'm surprised she was back there with the dregs like you. Well, I think she was faking it.

I feel like she went out and she spent a hundred bucks on the thing. I mean, it's just goofy. Like you look goofy. You're wearing like the pointed heels with the wrap up fucking thing and a big dress with the slit and the big crazy hat and the classes. It was just a lot. It's a lot. But nice nip.

Never seen a nip before in the wild on a plane, so. Good for you. Nip on a plane. Great Samuel L. Jackson movie. I'll wrap it up with this, but that was a nice, that was refreshing. The nippy tail. Yeah. Yeah.

I was waiting with Sean Murphy at the train station, you know, and by the way, the train station at night is not a friendly place. I used to have a bit about it how a cop came up to me once. In the Philly train station it goes, keep your head on a swivel and I said, be careful or something. I'm like, be careful. That's why you're here. Right.

You be careful. Yeah. Exactly. But that was the bit. It never worked. It's not great. I got it. So this lady, you know, kind of like a redneck-y, like a ball, what do you call it, camo, ball

cap, you know, a lot of like Eagles gear on. Okay. Yeah. She's sitting there on her phone, got the mask down here going, and this black chick, probably like a 25, 30 year old black chick comes up and goes, there you are. Don't try to hide from me. I remember you. You are a piece of shit.

You accosted me in the bathroom and the lady's like, don't harass me. I'm on the phone. She's like, don't harass me. She's like, you're a Karen. You must suck to be a Karen. You racist. You racist. And me and Sean are just like, we're like five feet away from this.

And then the lady on the phone, it's a weird black-white thing. It's like a racial tension, obviously. The lady on the phone is just going, you got to believe, you can not believe what I just went through. And you're like, who are you talking to? Who is on the other end of this? It's always like Psycho on the other end, I assume. Right.

Or they're going, it's fucking Lucy again, you know. Lucy gum. Yeah. But it was a wild experience. We saw a cell phone video in the flesh and you wonder what happened in that bathroom. Yeah. That's creepy stuff. It's weird stuff.

You always want to throw the camera on. Do you try to do a video? I know. But then you're that guy, you know? I didn't want to be that guy. And it wasn't, there was no action. There wasn't a fight or a touch, but I was like, quit harassing me. I'm on the phone.

God damn. This lady's yelling at me right now. She's like, you're a Karen. You're a Karen. I was like. Isn't it weird to think about how many conflicts are going on right now? It's got to be like three million like, fuck you, you piece of shit. It's happening like right now as we speak or as you listen, just a ton of people going,

you fuck your mother. I mean, manager and umpire, the whole thing. You know, there's a fist fight right now in an Afghan or something. I mean, it's happening. It's like somebody's banging a kid and somebody's fucking an animal. It's all happening right now. Yeah. It's wild.

Time. Fascinating. There's a zillion people out there and they're all interacting. Look, there's a cop right there. Wherever there's a cop beating up a guy for me, man, I'll be there. All right. Well, we gotta, we gotta wrap this up and I'm going to see you again tomorrow. We got some crazy stuff going on because you know, I don't want to reveal too much, but

I'm going away to shoot a feature film. I'll just say that you got that right shooting a nice sexy feature mass shooting and it's very exciting. So we got to cram in like five episodes and six days. So just to warn you, the next few weeks are going to be a little kooky around here at Tuesdays with stories. Yeah. We're going to do some real scheduling.

So you might see a lot of the same clothing, a lot of same clothing, a lot of stretching, a lot of weird shit, a lot of, maybe we'll take some questions or something like that. That might be something. Yeah. Let's take shrooms. Who knows? We might have to do something weird and fuck on camera, but we're going to get through it.

We're going to make it work. We're like the mailman, not rain or sleet or cum. Yes. Yes. Exactly. So that's exciting. I want to apologize to the folks in Dallas. I had to cancel that weekend and the live pod in Royersburg was supposed to be tonight.

I'm sorry. It's my fault. Oh, that's tonight. I got serious stuff going on here and, you know, duty calls, call of duty. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's huge, but I got to put this thing first because this is my big chance to ruin my life.

So. It's exciting. It's a hell of a project and I'm excited for you. It's an all-timer. It's very exciting. It's very personal. It's a whole thing. So, but I whim still a stand-up comedian, trust me, September 23rd, 24th, 25th, I'm coming

to Philly, Helium. I haven't been there in three years now because of COVID. It's all this COVID. I had all these dates. Never heard of it. So it's been bumped back a year and a half, but now we're coming. Hopefully, everything stays hunky-dory. Oh, boy.

September 23rd, 24th, 25th, buy some tickets for the love of God. I rescheduled Fort Worth. That'll be in January now, or I'm in Dallas in January, Fort Worth, I think in March or something like that. It's Fort Worth to wait. Yeah. And go hit YouTube, subscribe because I'm going to try to shoot something else in the winter and then it'll probably go on my YouTube.

So I need some YouTube subscribers that keep coming up there. And while you're there, check out Mindful Metal Jacket and Joe and Ron on Tuck Movies. Here, here. Nice stuff. Good lineup of things. I'm in Appleton, Wisconsin, Arlington, Texas, wherever the hell that is. Improv at Brea in California. Love that place.

Albany Funny Bone, West Palm Beach Improv in Florida, Comedy Connection in Good Old Prove, Madison, Wisconsin, Nashville, Zanies. That'll be fun. Rochester, New York, Richmond Funny Bone, Portland Helium, Laugh Boston, and Vancouver House of Comedy. Ooh, I've never done that before. That'll be interesting. Howlin' Wolf in New Orleans, Royal Oak in Michigan, and the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta.

A lot of fun stuff. Check out We Might Be Drunk. Check out our YouTube specials. Check out my Netflix. And our Netflix specials. Yeah. I'll be out in November. So, so will the Netflix.

And yeah, keep it rolling. Get on the Patreon. Bye. We've got some new shirts popping. That's a nice quick turnaround, right? Pretty quick. Beautiful turnaround. Yeah, hell of a turnaround.

God, I can't wait. Well, we'll see what happens. I'm going dark. Well, dark is good. The dark may. Well, we'll see. Dark Norman. But yeah, thank you.

Kat says bye. He's really twitching like a weird ketamine head. Head's upside down like fucking the exorcist. Yeah, he's a nut. And we'll see you all in hell. Praise Allah. Thank you. He's a fucking shawty guy.

Well, thanks. I'll see you again. Here. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Love you to death. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.