Tuesdays with Stories! - #414 Blatant & Latent

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

Hey we're back ya chooches and wondering why people still learn Latin, what we're really attracted to, and the mystery of Joe's crazy, private bruise. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), Green Chef (greenchef.com/tuesdays100), Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays), & Keeps (keeps.com/tuesdays)  Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey, Tuesdays, this is Joe List coming to you live from my cell phone, a little PSA for you guys who are comedy fans, you're all comedy fans, you're the best goddamn comedy fans in the business. If you're in the Raleigh, North Carolina area, our great friend, one of our favorite comedians, Mike Cronin, also known as Meet, he's open for both of us, you've heard us both talk about him. He is absolutely hilarious, one of my favorite people to be around. Great comic.

We're recording an album at Charlie Goodnight, September 4th, that is September 4th, Charlie Goodnight's Raleigh, North Carolina, go to the website, get tickets, fill it up with some Tuesdays, support the extended gays, I don't know, whatever, I'm fucking this up, this is like my 10th take. Anyway, September 4th, go get tickets, go see Mike Cronin, be a part of comedy history as he records his newest album, check out his old albums before that, you'll love him, if you love us, you'll absolutely love Mike Cronin, September 4th, Raleigh, North Carolina, Charlie Goodnight's.

Alright, thanks. Hey everybody, welcome to Tuesdays with Stories, we got a hot episode coming up soon, but first, this episode is brought to you by Feel, CBD. CBD isn't what you feel, it's about what you don't feel, like stress, anxiety, or pain. I am stressed out, got a lot going on, running, as soon as we're done with this, I got to jump in the car, drive through the tunnel, lots of traffic, get down to Jersey, do a gig, memorize 92 pages of the lines, I'm stressing out, but luckily there's something for me, it's called Feel's, Feel CBD, it's something I put in my tea, and I drop it

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Tuesdays. You'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping with our promo code. Wow, half off, that's a steal. Here we go, get F-E-A-L-S dot com slash Tuesdays, become a member, and get 50% automatically taken off your first order with free shipping. One more time, Feel's dot com slash Tuesdays, and feel better. They're great. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro.

That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

I don't know where that noise came from, right? From the taint, from the bowels. I pretend to know what a bowel is, and I pretend to know what a jowl is. Jowl? Put this a jowl and buy a bell. What's a jowl, anyways? A jowl is your jaw thing that goes in here. The jowls.

You always go, oh, jowls, I've got Walter Matthow or some guy, you know? Yeah, I think it's this shit. I think it's like this floppy shit over here. The jowls, maybe? The turkey neck, I think, whatever that is. No, I think it's up here. Oh, is it up here? I think it's here, not here.

Because it's jaw, and then jowl. It's all coming together. Latin, I think. Who could keep up? I was just with a guy yesterday who studied Latin at Harvard. Wow. Went to Harvard to study Latin. I'm like, what kind of buck is in that racket?

That's a dead language over there. I mean, unless you're a Latino, maybe. Yeah, isn't that weird? There's Latino and then Latin. I've always thought that was weird. Because I think of Latin as white. I think of like golden, you know, like a guy with a big hat and he's silly.

The pope, the pope is speaking Latin. And then the doctors use Latin. This is a clarifingal esophagealia, too. And then what's the Greeks? Are the Greeks Latin? I think. Phycamacoma. On my back?

Yeah, I think so. And then they got the U, which looks like a V, which is the gymnasium. The U? Miami? University of Miami? Yeah, M-U. They call it the U.

P-U. Either way, the whole thing stinks. But Latin is kooky, come-loudy, come-louder. It's all over the road. We dabble with it. Yeah, X-Nay on the ombre is that Latin. That's Pig Latin. What the fuck's a Pig Latin?

That's Pig Latin in Spanish. What? Which is Latin? Pig Latin. Wait, what? X-Nay on ombre is Spanish? Oh, ombre is Spanish. But X-Nay is Pig Latin, which is what we should...

That's what fat people speak. Have you seen Pig? The Nick Cage picture? I did. I loved it. That's a hell of a film right there. Man, what a good time that was. Oh, my God.

I grabbed each ankle, spread them up over my legs, and shoved that film in my ass, and come just shot right in my mother's face. Yeah, I was already in the pussy, so it was a real DP, director of photography. It was a fine film. I mean, Nick Cage, I think he stinks, and I don't like him, but that was a hell of a wow.

He can bring it when he brings it. Yeah, but when he doesn't bring it, what the fuck? I mean, Raising Arizona, I love. That movie just existed in my ass. Leaving Las Vegas is fine, okay, whatever. The acting, the acting man. Ronald Reagan, the actor?

I had something with Latin. Ah, Latinx, Latin... French Quarter, the Latin Quarter. I don't know about that guy. I think it's a triangle. The Latin Quarter is in Paris. Oh, really? Yeah, which is interesting because it's French,

but then there's Latin. So what is Latin? Did it start somewhere in Latvia? Greek, oh! Where's the term Latin come from? That's interesting. Then there's latent homosexuality, whatever that is. Because that means just like, it's idle.

It's like you're not doing anything with it. Eric Idle? Oh, I see. Like, latent means like I'm a latent, you know, gay means you're gay, but you're not endorsing or engaging in sex. So it's like I'm a latent, you know, pedophile or whatever.

You just are one. You're not active. I think so. I thought it meant you were hiding it. He's a latent homosexuality. That could be, but that's the same thing, essentially, right? That is blatant homosexual. That's like roller skates and pigtails with lipstick.

Right. The cucumber, the lube, the dancing. Yeah. Okay, okay, blatant and latent. That's interesting. That is interesting. Yeah, they're right there. It was blatant and latent, Latin, whatever.

Whatever happened to him? He passed away. But so what is the Latin? I mean, they said the Greek stuff, but there's a Greek is the language. There's Greek. Yeah, so we had Latin. I think it started with Latin and turned Greek.

But Spanish is from Spain. English is from England. And Greek is from Greece. Is there a Latin? Well, there's no Roman language. There's Romance. Romance, but I think that's different than Roman. Well, there's Romance languages.

French, Spanish, Italian. Right. And I think that's all based on Latin. I think Latin was numero uno. I understand that, but I'm saying why do they call it Latin? There was no, there wasn't another Latina. Queen Latifa, like country. I don't know, I don't know.

I think just, you gotta name it something. I guess so, but where did it originate in Greece? Give it a go. But Greece is Greek. You see what I mean? I think Latin, they Greek weirdos said, hey, we got Latin, but we'll make it our own. Look, you got Ibonics, but that's English.

Ah, hooked on Ibonics. Worked for me. France to French, England to English, Spain to Spanish, Latin to Latin-ish. Yeah, stuff, stuff. I don't get it. I think it started at all. But then you're getting that old wacky area

of how did we come up with language anyways? Like what is a, how did chair come to mean a thing you sit in? Think about that all the time. I'm reading sapiens, because I'm a basic bitch. Have you read it? No, but everyone I know has read it, told me all about it. I don't care about sapiens, I moved off the sapiens.

I'm into it. It's dense, to say the least, but they make it accessible. It's like a documentary in a book, but all the languages is what made us beat the Neanderthals. Because we could talk and go, hey, it's clearly latent and we got to move away from them. You know, we can't reproduce.

So they would just go, lion. But we could go, hey, that lion had a huge dick and I put it in my ass and all that. So we could get a little further. So you could trick and deceit and lie. I see. So that's how you beat them with the lying. This book sapiens, it's worse than the Bible.

I was in Austin for four days with Chris D. while he was reading it. It's all we talked about. He's like, this chapter, I'll tell you right now, when I see my wife, I'm like, do you have a good day? Well, I had a good day for evolution. Can anyone read? No offense. Can anyone read this book

and just be like, I'm reading a nice book. It's fun. I didn't want to bring it up. But it's a lot with the sapiens. It's like, what's the thing when they flip the tires? The strongman? Yeah, no, the fucking thing. You know the thing. The mechanic. No, the thing that people do, they flip it

and everyone had a joke about how they all talk about it. Oh, tough mutter. Crossfit. Yes, crossfit. No one does crossfit and doesn't go, I'm doing crossfit over here. That's true. If you don't know about the crossfit, you got to see my crossfit.

You got to talk about cross, and kettlebells is up there. We get it, you do a kettlebell, kettle corn. Kettlebells is big. I don't understand the kettlebell because you're like, can't you do that with a dumbbell? A dumbbell. Why is kettlebell better than dumbbell? Liberty Bell, it's all over the road.

I think the kettle is dumb. How about that? They should switch the names. Kettle is weird. Kettle the fish. The kettlebell, it swings. You pick it up and it hits your dick. I hate the swinging and my wrist is going to give out. I don't get it. Homosapien, I can't be doing all that.

We got to flip the title. This dumbbell, kettlebell is the new handbell. That's a dumb bell. Yes, exactly. But yeah, we're all over the road here. A taco bell. We started six hours ago. I got nothing. I know. Well, we're off on Latinx here.

What the hell was I saying though? I had something. Sapiens, language, laughing. You said where did language come from? I won't bring up sapiens again. I literally ate pages in. I had to reread it four times. I'm an idiot. Rapiens.

Bring up sapiens. I shouldn't have said it. I know what you mean though. That's why I'm reading the goddamn things. The goddamn word of mouth is out there. You go, well, I want to be part of society and I want people to like me and fuck me. So I read it. I had something. Oh, one of the best lines

in any movie ever, my favorite, in Rushmore when he saves Latin and then the Scottish guy goes, where couldn't you live little enough alone fishing? He goes, was that Latin? It's beautiful. Great film. He really peaked at Anderson. Second movie, peaked on the second movie

and everything after that. Tin and bombs was really something. I just rewatched. It doesn't hold up as great. It's very good. It's very good, but it's not as good as Rushmore. No, Rushmore is bananas. Don't be coming in here with Tin and Bombs better than Rushmore. No, I'm a Rushmore quiefe. Don't get me wrong. But Tin and Bombs is top notch.

Fantastic, but Rushmore is a man. It's so weird to be. It's a masterpiece. It's so weird to put out a movie and Bottle Rock, it's amazing. That's amazing. Then Rushmore is one of the best movies ever. Then Tin and Bombs is like good, but not as good and then everything else is below.

There are nine movies. My second one was my best. But you can make that argument for Tarantino, too. You see that a lot with comedy, too, though. These guys with the banger up front. Then the second one is like, oh, shit, that was just as good. And then it's... Well, with comedy, it makes more sense to me because you're building that first act or second

for like 10 years. And then the next one is like six weeks later and you're like, is this anything? Yeah, but you still got a little bit of that humble, maybe? Or what is it where your reality is still kicked in? Humility? Humility, because after that it's yes, man,

you're great, I love every joke. What do you think about this idea? Men and women are different. That's gold. Right, exactly. You know, they're up on the mountaintop, they're out of touch. Right. You know, we've seen big names come in and go, hey, here's my Michael Jackson bit. And you go, ooh, I've heard that two times today.

There's a couple big comics that haven't put out anything great in 25 years. 20 years. Don't get me started. Like best special ever in 20 years of like, hey, okay. Yeah, well, the audience likes you. I mean, a large comic

used to say to us years ago, at least he told me, he goes, I would kill to be where you are. I'm like, I'm broke. I'm a janitor during the day. I can't get it up. I'm doing bar shows. I'm making no money. And he's like, I'd kill to be there. That's the sweet spot.

If you get a laugh, you earned it. I'm like, you're a millionaire. I called out the garden. You're doing fine. You're dating a supermodel. But his life's been ruined since then. But I called him. I go, hey, you're back. And he hung up on me. But either way,

it's a tough spot, though, because he's right in the sense that you might get some laughs when you don't deserve them. Well, first of all, I didn't know you knew Michael J. Fox. That's really cool. But I mean, Family Times was great. And it sucks that he got the disease, but I hate that stuff sometimes, though,

when people are like, you're in the best position ever. And I'm like, I took a bus here. Stop it. You're patronizing me. You flew here on a private helicopter. And I had to borrow a bike to get to the bus station, you fuck. Shut up.

I can't afford a different pair of pants. I'm wearing flip flops. My dad won't return my call. My cell phone's off and I got no electricity. But hey, I'm an artist. Yeah, you are. But Chuck is here. It's nice. But we don't have the time.

I like to see the time. Good to know the time. 13 minutes. Oh my God. We're fucked. There's no way we can't do it. It's gonna be bad. Well, let me just say this there, Faddy. I got the taping tonight. It's in like three hours, which is exciting. Like you guys are seeing

the day of the taping and the taping is tonight. Two shows. Got the worst spot on both shows. Really? Yeah. The first on the first show and last on the last show, which is like the show's art to 10, which means 10.30,

half hour, warm up, half hour set, half hour set, then my half hour. But the hope is the gays are there. The gays are coming out. Yeah, you gotta get a pop. Yeah, yeah, hopefully. But then they sit through these other people

and they go, who's this? What's this? Who's this black person? What's going on here? Oh, they'll hold on. They'll hold the gays. We remember when I shot the thing down over there, wherever, many blocks away at the VU.

Yeah, the Village Underground. You don't live anywhere near there, but... No, got that right. I was so nervous. I'm like, it's gotta be the gays. They want podcasts. They want me to say I had sex with the retard on Christmas Eve. Or they need to do something crazy.

I write that down. They need to do something crazy. But then I went and it was a pie. I went crazy. They're gonna be there. They're gonna give you the goods. They're gonna go nuts. And then the other people are gonna be like, what the hell is this? This guy must be the best one. He's going last.

I hope you're right. They say that. It's contagious, like herpes. Yes, exactly. So I can give you some of that if you want it, for good luck. I think it's gonna be... It's latent. It's gonna be rocking. It's gonna be kickass. I think that is the thing, latent herpes. I think that is. It's a latent...

Dormant, not latent. Yeah, dormant. Dormat. Ant is big, right? Dormant. Latent. Rampant. Not ants. Is ant a... An antinom?

No, is ant a suffix? Oh, it's a suffix. Suffix Long Island. Prefix suffix. Right. Prefix is like, pre is a prefix. It's a kind of meal at a dinner. Isn't that weird? Pre is a prefix. The word prefix contains

a prefix. Prefix. Prefix. Prefix. Prefix. Oh, fuck. Then there's preface. It should be preface. Preface is what actors have before the surgery. What do you think of all this botchy ball they're doing in the face?

Oh, yeah. It's not good. It's showing up later. They're watching all this trash TV with the real house cunts of an orange anal. And these ladies. They look like ghouls and they look like a bat hit them. You know when Tom Cruise

in Mission Impossible starts pulling that Voight thing off? They look halfway. It's like stretchy, weirdo skin rubber shit. Don't you feel like... Sarah and I talk about this all the time. There's a lot of shit for men

and maybe it's society but I'm like, we're not asking you to do that. That was on you. You guys started this. I got a whole thing about this. None of us know about any of this. I never heard of any of this. People are shoving poison into their face with needles and I don't know any guy that's like

I need you to really stick some goo in your face. Yeah. I want your face to be so tight you can't make an expression. I want your lips to look like a bee stung them. And I like old and shitty. I want like a haggard ass with a nasty face with drips and pock marks and pimples.

I like that. I like giving me some nasty. Kathy Bates, we're talking to you. How about that lady from Goonies? Give me that big whore. What's her name? The real old Cous who was a cunt. Get in there, you cunt. Oh yeah, Big Bertha.

Big Bertha, maybe that was it. She was a drill mama from the train. She was the ugly lady. We need an ugly scary lady in Hollywood. I don't know anyone knows her name. She's ugly bitch. Who cares? She's ugly bitch number one. That was it. She's number one, all right.

Josh Brolin quit movies after Goonies. He did Goonies and he did one other movie and he was so bad that he quit for like 10 years. Yeah, and then he came back with the best movie of the decade. Whatever. Yeah, then he did some other stuff. Now he's great. Everyone's like that guy's great. But he quit for like 10 years, which is what I'm going to do with comedy

after my next special at Stinks. I thought you already did. He's so understated. He's so manly. Yeah, he's quite manly. I just want to really blow him. I know. There's something about him. He doesn't give a fuck and he's quiet. He's like real men are quiet.

I'm loud and not proud. Proud boy. I'm all over the place. Please like me. I'm tap dancing. I'm doing cartwheels down the beach and he just walked in, smoking a cigarette, got boots on, doesn't say hi. I'd kill to be quiet and then you can't get

the toothpaste. You can't get the toothpaste back in the jar or whatever they're saying. It's too late. I can't be proud. I love these guys and he was private. He had a very private life. Every person knows every single thing. I like coming in my ass. I like my father to hit me. You know what I mean?

It's like, I'd love to be one of these stoic private guys. I never even thought of it. Stoics. Any guy who's stoic, I go, ah, I want to eat your ass. He's so hot. Paul Newman was so stoic. Ah, I want to blow. I got no stove. I'm a stowaway.

Oh, yeah. Beat your stove. I'm like, I got herpes. I'm self-conscious about my teeth. My eyesight's bad. I ran from a homeless guy. They know everything. I had a girl once. This is 28 years ago. I was 11 years old. She said, if you were a meaner, if you were a dick,

you'd be hot. She's like, you're a cute dickless bitch or whatever. But if you were mean, you'd be a hot guy. I was like, what is this, you ladies? I don't know. I can't figure out. You trash-gash. But here's the thing, though, with the nice, because I'm the nice guy. I'm very nice.

And it didn't work out through my 20s. I kept getting friend-zoned and herpes. I was just fucking fat whale, ladies. But now, once you get to an age, if you just stay nice long enough, now I'm the guy. Everyone's like, oh my god, you're so nice. I got women.

Hey, can I blow you after the show? You're so nice. And I go, hey, hey, I got a wife. Of a bald fillin' no jizzin'. I mean, you had nothin' for decades. I mean, you got through at the end of the tunnel, but that's a long time to not get your asshole fingered.

I know. I guess I should have been smackin' hoes and callin' them bitches or whatever. You gotta be more assertive. Why don't you get over here and blow me, you dummy? That works! Women slippin' off a chair in Cleveland right now. Yeah, I'm goin', hey, if you ever wanna get together, I'd like to get together.

Yeah, I don't wanna cause any problems, because I know you might not wanna get together, but hey, if you want me to recycle your cans for you, I can donate it to a homeless bitch. And they go, oh my god, you're so sweet. Watch my dog. I think women are embarrassed by what they're attracted to.

Man, it's all pretty cut and dry. We're like tits, give me a fat ass, give me a nice face, and then cool gal, nice pair of legs, heels. It's all out there. Some lace, a thigh high, a shoe, a neck, sure. Long hair, whatever, shiny,

but ladies like stuff about men, and they go, oh, I hope nobody finds this out, but you like what you like. You can't hide it, ladies, I'm sorry. You like weird shit, you like a little aggression, a little mansplaining, a little throw you around. They'll never admit it, but they like it.

Yeah. And they blame society, it's like you say, man wants to do this, but then you go, hey, what are you gonna, so it's not for men, so which one is it? Is it for men or is it for you? It's confusing, I hate the fat lips. Give me a thin, regular lip,

I hate the, it looks like Mr. Potato Head lips. The injection lips, they're just big and like, yeah, it's not good. It doesn't fit the rest of your face, you got a regular old face, and then you got these big swollen pink hot dogs. And then you got those big old

mudflaps on the eye that go crazy with the lashes. And then you go, what happened? Because you look in the mirror every day all day and you don't, how come I see this kooky jack-o-lantern mug here and you don't, how is that, you know what it is? It's gradual.

You know when you're painting a painting with a special needs kid and he's going in and you're like, it's pretty good. He goes, maybe a little dabble over here. And then you ruined it, you went too far, but they can't see because they're just staring at it. Yeah, that's why you can't let them make their own decisions. No, you gotta step in.

Don't try, forget about it. They'll plow down a whole playground. Can't do it. Can't do it. Can't stop, won't stop. That was what I was looking for. All right. Well, this is wild.

We're trying to stack up these episodes because I got to go away for Christmas and I took a note down. There was something here I could mention. Oh, I might have to show you a bruise and you tell me if I have AIDS. Because I think I know it. I'll tell you the whole story.

All right. So I'm walking around in Miami. I like to go take a shower, come out and swing my dick around. Sarah laughs. It's a good chuckle, you know what I mean? You come out all gangly. Love a dick swing. When it's wet and warm, a dick can really elasticize.

Yeah, it's fun. And you do the little lasso, Ted lasso, that show, whatever. Oh my God. Anyways, I got the bag of worms, the long dick, so I'm showing Sarah and I'm tiptoeing around, bouncing around in my panties, my sheet underwear.

And she goes, what the fuck happened to the back of your leg? And you know me. I'm like, what? What do you mean? And she's like, holy shit. She's like, come over here. And I'm like, what? What? I can't see. And she's like, Jesus Christ. And she busts out the phone right away

and she starts googling shit. This is your wife. She should know you better than anybody. I'm like, what the fuck happened to the back of your leg? That's going to give you a heart attack. But I'm going away. What the fuck? And I look in the mirror and I'm like, wow, I jump. It looks like I got shot in like 1875. What?

Perfect circle. I'm talking black, red, blue. It's fucking insane. It's like the German flag. I look like Andrew Beckett's chest in Philadelphia. Remember when he takes the thing and he goes, I rest my case or whatever? It's crazy.

But I won't worry about it. So I go to bed the next day and I'm anxious. I'm making a movie. We're doing the pot. You make a movie? Remember Dennis Leary? He used to be so great. Remember that bit? I never got it. Well, when I was a kid, I shit my pants.

Sure. He's faced for a little nine-year-old idiot. Looking back. But anyway, so the next day I go back and I just go, I'm getting better with hypochondri anxiety. So I go, whatever. Who cares? It's a bruise. She's like, I'm sorry. She's like, that's insane. It's crazy.

So I go, all right. Well, I'll get to it. So then I go, what the fuck? So now I'm a little more anxious, a lot going on. And I look and I go, this is serious. What if I got a blood clot? So she starts googling. We're both googling. I'm looking up AIDS, blood clot, skin disease,

hemoflavin, global warming, whatever. We're flicking it all up. And then I'm like, maybe it's from getting kicked. You know, I do some mixed martial arts. Oh, there you go. Of course that's it. So she looks up MMA bruises. She's like, that's it. That's it. But I'm like, I haven't done it in nine days.

So I text Diego and I go, hey, is this from a kick? And he's like, I've never kicked you that hard in my life. He's like, you quit if I kicked you that hard. Not to mention, this is a two day bruise. Because we looked up time frame a bruise. Bruises in nine days have turned yellow. This is black. And so I'm like, oh my God.

And I'm like tossing and turning. I'll try not to worry about it. Like city, maybe I have a leg thing. Maybe you got a thing. What do you call that? A blockage? A clot. A blood clot. It's more likely in your legs. And if you have AIDS, you have leg bruises.

And what's the other one that I looked up? Hema flopping, globia. Glaucoma. No, it was something. I know what you're talking about. It was something where your blood turns into shit. Whatever. Yeah, your blood turns to shit or your shit turns to blood.

So then I lay down. And I'm like, all right, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to relax and I'm staring at the ceiling. She's pressing it. It doesn't hurt too bad. But she's like, it feels crazy. It's wacky. I got to feel it. I got to see it. I got to lick it. So it could be different. It's been 24 hours. So I'm laying in bed and I'm like, oh my God.

Just don't worry about it. I'm sure it's fine. Because I don't feel sick. I don't feel, you know, I'm breathing fine. I've run. I'm okay. So I go, it's probably nothing. And then I go, we start to fall asleep. I know what it is. She's like, whoa, what?

And I get up and I'm like, okay, I remember. I was feeling stressed on the road in Salt Lake City in my hotel. I put on music. I'd listen to music. I'll put on some live fucking kick ass. And I was jumping around like fucking listening to the same coffee in the iron lungs. There we go.

And I jumped and I tripped over something and hit the corner bedside table like this. Boom. And then the lamp shade would fly and everything had moved everything. And I was like, oh my God, they're going to come. And it didn't hurt because I was so embarrassed and the lamp fell plus the music was going.

So everything was whacking. I'm like, that's it. It was two days ago. It was Saturday. But you got to see this thing. I cannot wait. You've really built it up. I hope it didn't heal. I wouldn't heal, Jerry. Get those pants off. We're going to see the bruise of the year.

Chuck, thank God you're here for the synoscope. Hold on. All right. Oh, man. Hold on. Let me get the mic right on it. I mean, that looks, it looks like I got shot, right? It looks like a rubber bullet hit you at a BLM protest. Holy hell, you're all right, man.

Is it any better? Holy shit. Can I, can I? Yeah, go for it. All right. This is what your normal skin feels like. Okay. Oh, yeah. Is it rough? It's smoother. But I think legs bruises. I might have, uh, what's the spider vein? Because I got this thing too

that I've had for years. Careful back there. Oh, man. Is that a wapa spinach? My God. What is that? Chipotle? Jeez, somebody got the barbacoa. But look at this. I got this thing too. Like a varicose weird thing.

But look at that shit. Are you getting this? That's the lampshade. This is a rubber bullet. I mean, you're like a jackass member over here. We got Joe Knoxville. I think it's from, I was rocking and I jumped and just went bang. Wow. It's a regular. Who? What about him? Oh, yeah. He's good. Where he was.

What do you think of that? Are you worried? Is that? Perfectly, uh, since you're circumcised there, that is a circumference and a half. It's like a, that's a perfect bullet. You gotta get a photo of that and go, oh, any time a protest happens, it goes, hey, look, I took one for the team.

I'm a hero. I mean, look, it looks about the same. Wow. That was yesterday. It's a little darker there. It's getting yellow now. Okay, so it's better. Yeah. Are you worried about that? What did you hit? The corner of like a bedside, like this. How many days ago? Saturday.

Ah, you're fine. That's pretty standard. They said bruises and leg bruises last longer because you got all the soft skin and veins of some shit. Yeah. You tend to bruise harder on your legs. And nothing, nothing happens back here. So you take something back there, your body's like,

Jesus, this is a new one. Yeah. That's some raw meat right here. That's all meat. Yeah, it's all. It's all pipes, but I mean, Chuck looks concerned. That makes me nervous. No, no, he's got a hernia. He's got heart condition. He's got a whole bag of problems.

What were you going to say? It was like, that was like a... It's too circular for a corner. That's why I thought rubber bullet. It looks just like a slug hit you. I mean, maybe somebody shot me when I was... Maybe, you know. Yeah, he was in the moment.

It didn't feel like they were adrenaline from the heavy metal. But I think the back of the legs are such a sensitive area that like, if I had that on my chest, you'd be like, what the fuck? But I think the leg bruise is easy. Because I read everything about bruises.

I stand up till six in the morning. But I think it's better than that, right? Has it gotten better, you think? It's gotten better. That's dark. You're saying that so much. I mean, it's war yellow now. It's like an Asian. Yellow's good. We got lights. It's like a doctor's office.

Let me look up now. Now I'm getting nervous. You're fine. You're fine. It's good. Yeah, yeah. But bruises last days. That looks like a three-day bruise. It was fun to touch. I gotta say. It was a very different world down there when you touch it. And it smelled weird, too.

I don't know if that's a bad sign. It smelled like almonds. I don't know if that means anything. How long does leg bruise last? You're worrying. Well, that's because he's making faces. Bruises are most are not serious. That's his resting face. He's getting a never face. He's going, ooh.

You're a good friend. He's a bad friend. No, he's not even worried. He's got to know he's dead inside. It all works out. Bruises hurt, but most are not serious. We'll go away on their own within two to four weeks. It's been four days. You know what we gotta do now?

Every episode, we check in on the bruise. We're going to see an eclipse. We'll see the time lapse. Bruises usually fade away in about two weeks. Over that time, the bruise changes colors. The body breaks down and reabsorbs the blood. You're 48 years old. You never had a bruise. This is nothing.

Well, I never had a bruise unexplained like that. He's saying it's not the corner. We got the corner. It's clearly the corner. He's saying no corner, but I didn't feel it. But then I'm like, maybe I'm like tough. I didn't even notice that shit. It's shocking.

Because I'm like, I don't know what the fuck. Doesn't that look like it would be the biggest event of my life? Oh, you go down. No. But I think because like I said, the music and the embarrassment, I knocked a lamp over and I was like, is this broken? Oh my God. Plus I was raging against the machine and my tits were swollen.

I wonder if we could soothe the red roof in. I mean, you're a handicap now. Red roof? How bad do you think I'm doing? Well, it was a gag. I don't mind a red roof, by the way. I take that back. I stayed in one of San Antonio and I actually changed hotels, which I never do. Red roof? Brutal.

My buddy just went on vacation. He said with his in-laws, he said they changed rooms three times. With children. You got to pack up the diapers and the tricycle and the rubber dildos and you got to move rooms three times. What are they? The Donner party? They got to keep moving along? That's insane.

I don't get it. Speaking of which, we got to do a little business. Speaking of which, it doesn't make sense in that context. Bruce's company will reach out. It's some vitamin D, whatever that is. This is exciting. This vitamin deficiency can cause bruises, too. There you go.

I take vitamins. I'm a pretty healthy boy. We'll see about that. New sponsor, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is now brought to you by Green Chef. Did you get this stuff? Oh, did I get it? I put it right in my face. If you want to eat healthy, this is the meal kit for you. Whether you're trying keto, paleo, or plant-based,

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mop you got there. Nothing on the top, but a bucket and a mop. An illustrated book about birds. Hmm. Who's that, Dr. Seuss? Well, I know the Nirvana. I think that's the Meat Puppets original. And then the Nirvana. Boy, they really fell off the Meat Pups.

Yeah, I don't think anyone really knew the Meat Pups other than the Nirvana thing. What do you mean? Well, Nirvana, they played with Nirvana and unplugged. But other than that, I don't think anyone was like they had probably 600 fans or something. That was that one agent. I got you on the Nirvana plug. Oh my God, the Meat Puppets went apeshit

and then he couldn't get another gig. Tough, tough days for the Meat Puppets. I've spun those records around, though. They're pretty good. They're fun. I like the pups. They're probably cool to know about. They do a backyard barn in Tallahassee or something. By the way, they're probably 73 years old now. We're so old. I know.

That was 19, that was 27 years ago. I know. I see black kids wearing Nirvana shirts the way we wore Zeppelin shirts. Yes, it's very strange. And I've turned into those guys. I see a teenager wearing a Nirvana. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. You don't know shit. And I hated those people

when I was young. I'm like, I like the stones. They're like, you fucking cunt. That's our music. You piece of shit. I know. I was at Woodstock 69. You don't know shit. You come guzzlin' Nazi. You're like, I can't. I like the tune. But now we do it with these whippersnappers. I see. I'm like, you don't know anything.

But anyways. It's a bruise to wear. It's a bruise. Chuck, you're saying no. It's a bruise. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's been four days. You're fine. It's a bruise. But you're saying not a corner. If it's the same in a week, you're fucked. All right. Well, I'll keep an eye on it.

But I have no, I don't feel it. I mean, I was smacking it, flicking it, rubbing it down. Oh no, the girl's gonna do me. It's funny because you're tough physically, but up here, you're a Girl Scout cookie. I mean, you're nervous as hell. You're freaking out. This is no tough. Tough. Take a page from

the playbook of this thigh here. The body. Listen to the body. The body keeps score. Yes. Can't argue with the body, Jerry. That's an argument you can't win. One of the great scenes ever. Teflon the door with the gate. We need to get to bed.

Great, great program. Hell of a show. Ventures on sale. Oh, that's good stuff. That's a hell of a picture. All right, check out Seinfeld, the TV show, if you haven't, I don't know if you've ever heard of it. Seen it seven times a day. Very good. Jiffy Park, I believe, is that one. Jiffy Park.

Oh, God, it's so good. Yeah. And if you excuse me, we need to get to bed. And then Jerry's face, he's like, I don't think I'm gonna fit on this couch. Can you ever go into bed with the shoes on, kicking the couch? The blanket doesn't fit. It's too good. But I know I've said this before,

we're talking about age and Nirvana and the tits and everything. It's so crazy, because we got young whippersnappers listening to the show, and we're talking about, we're hung up on some show from the 60s, man. I know, I know. It's like talking about the honeymooners. Exactly. It's like if some, we were like into really hip, cool shit in the 90s,

and they're like, you gotta watch all in the family. It'll blow your mind. It's enough already with Seinfeld. It's over for Bozo. I know, Bozo's done, but I try to show the lady, look at these classics, and she sees a touch of black and white or technicolor. She sees a young Jack Nicholson.

She opens that TikTok, and there we are. It's over. It's Twerkville. It's all day long. Oh, the TikTok's ruining our lives. But what was I going to say? That delivery from John Favreau, he goes, what is he, a clown? One of the funniest lines of all time.

I mean, as a guy who auditioned and never made it past the first chapter on the curb thing, they tell you don't be funny, and it's such good advice, because Favreau delivers that line straight, and that's the key to it. So funny. If he was trying to be funny,

what are you, stuck on a clown? It's out. It's over. Bozo. Yes, you deliver it straight. What was it, a clown? There's millions of clowns, man. I know, I know. Very good program. It's fascinating.

I mean, you are, you got a big project, but you've seen some actors, so I won't give it too much away. Rub that glit, panic button, man in the boat. But, what they can do with a line and a dialogue is really talent.

Well, I tell you, we've done some auditions here and there. We pretend to be actors, and you do an audition and you're like, I don't know, man, we got to get to the bank, and we got to take the money and get the hell out of here. We got to skin it. That was pretty good. That was great. I was moved.

I was like, we got to get to the bank. Holy shit. Maybe I'm a bad example, and then you never hear back, and then you watch the program whatever, six months later, and you see, you know, Matt McCarthy or whoever, and you're like, that's a hundred times better than I did. I know. It's the opposite of stand-up.

Stand-up, you turn on, who got this season of Blow Me, and you watch, and you go, are you shitting me? That's not a joke. What a hack. That's just a political statement. We're just going for applause, and then you put the table, but it's completely different with a TV show. I watch an actor, and I'm like, oh my god,

good work. I want to call the casting director and be like, good choice. I'm a piece of shit. My father hates me. Here's the most unrelatable thing I've ever said to a studio audience, but you ever audition for a commercial, obviously you don't get it. You see the commercial, and you go, oh, he's good. Yes, of course. It's the same thing.

I'm such a bad actor, and even with this Netflix bullshit, I have to do like a, hi, I'm Mark Norman. Watch stand-up, season three, and kill your dad, and blow your mom, and all that, or whatever you do. I go, okay, and I say it like this, and then say it like that, and you're like,

oh, wow, it's so different. Just those three takes were so different because they gave you a little bit of direction. A little tweak. And that's acting, tweaking. Pete Corialli used to have a great bit about it because he had like a thick Long Island accent, and he'd do his audition, and he'd be like, could you do it without the accent?

He's like, yeah, I can. That was my reading. I thought maybe this doctor had a thick, dumb, sorry, Long Island accent. It was a good bit. I can't do the accent. Crazy accent, that guy. Oh, he's so funny. Handsome, too. He was a handsome whop. He was like one of those just olive skin,

which I don't even know what that means. I've seen olives. No one looks like that. There's green olives, and there's black olives. So black people really are olive skin. That's a good point. The olive oil voice in Yagini Charm. Because the voice was olive oil in Godfather. He says, you got your olive oil voice

in Yagini Charm. I think he says that. He was on Popeye. Yeah, she's a character. Yeah, not attractive. He's really fighting for this gal. That's a good point. I guess you love her. Yeah, I have spinach, too.

My forearms don't look like that. No, well, you got the... Yeah. Yeah, it's a pretty thin forearm. Yeah, he was a sailor. Yeah, I guess so. And he beat up Brutus. Right, or Bluto.

They did? Yeah, it was Bluto and Brutus. Whoa. And then what was Wimpy? What was that about? He loved burgers. Wimpy? Remember, it was Wimpy who would walk off a plank to look for a burger, then said, free burgers tomorrow?

We really are going old school. We're back in the 40s now. We got to grow up. We got to get current. Is Wimpy in the Popeye universe? He's in that yoon. He's in the umbrella. This is a repeat, I think. Popeye.

He said Popeye. It's in Massachusetts. I say mum, too, my whole life. It's a mum. That's fucking dumb and gay. It's an O, not a U. She says rough. It's a roof.

That's insane. Thank you. It's a roofie, not a ruffy. That's how you got her. When are we up for time? We got to bring this thing home. We got another quarter of an hour. I was going to say the same thing. We're sicked up, period-wise.

It's weird to think a set. It's weird how different time is different things. You know what I mean? Because do you ever have this thought where you're like, you got to do a show. It's late show Friday. They seem a little rowdy. You're like, I got to go up there for a sitcom and a half.

You know what I mean? I could watch an entire Seinfeld plus another half of Seinfeld in the time that I got to entertain these lunatics. It's a lot, yeah. It's crazy. I've said this before and I feel like I'm repeating, but it's the beauty of stand-up

is it's that bar room brawl mixed with theater. It's the perfect cross-road, cross-fit of theater and there's some stank on it with dick jokes and drunks

with dollar queefs out there with opioids and all that. And then you got, I'm entertaining. I'm doing Shakespeare. This is a written monologue. It's a great mix of those. I don't know about the Shakespeare. We didn't discuss Shakespeare.

Well, you know, you've written this piece and it makes sense and it has callbacks and a through line and punch lines. Yeah, no, it's weird. I've said this a million times. The best work that Louis ever did, coming up shortly. But the best thing he ever did was the last episode

of Louis with him and Florentine who's amazing in it and Florentine's featuring and they have this argument and they both argue what stand-up is and they're both making such great points. He's getting refreshed. It's been 20 years. Well, Louis is like mad because he's a hack. The feature is a hack and he's ruining the shows

and Louis is like, what are you doing? He's like, you're fucking it up. You're doing bullshit and I'm trying to, I'm an artist, man. I'm trying to make, I'm trying to say something and create something and Florentine's like, what are you talking about? He's like, it's a bar trick.

He's like, we go up there, we tell some dick jokes to get him in the mood to go fuck. It's about selling drinks, it's not anything else. He's like, let's have some fun and they're both making such great points. It's like two sides of the brain and then it ends with him falling off the toilet and smashing his head and dying.

Way to give that away. Well, it's been about 48 years since it came out. Florentine's amazing, Louis is great and you gotta check it out. I'll check it out, that's a great point and obviously Louis knew what he was doing with the whole, it takes both. It's a little of both, it's a gumbo.

You gotta have a little sugar, a little spice and that's what makes it special because you go all statement, now you're off in Brooklyn with blue hair and then you go all hack and then you're the guy with rainbow suspenders and talking about dogs and cats different. Right.

Gumbo, forest gumbo. There you go. I don't know if that makes any sense. You ever had gumbo? I don't know if I had gumbo, what's that with the shrimp in the business, it's a brown? Oh, shrimp sausage chicken, it's got a roux, a base, it's got the spice, you would hate it. Yeah, I don't care for gumbo.

It tastes good, you wouldn't like it, it's full of flavors and rich history and black people. For the brews like this, I shouldn't be eating gumbo, you know what I mean? No, no, I could use a brew, I'll tell you that. I saw a guy do it, it scarred me, I hated the kid, I hope he died,

I saw a guy eat a booger on a train once, I see everything, I see everything Jerry, everybody is thinking they're hiding something, I see it. I mean these people that eat the booger, I remember seeing a kid, I won't say his name, but I was in third grade and literally thinking that is disturbed, you're disturbed.

Yes, it's disturbing. Your parents, something went wrong, I don't know what went wrong, but they're definitely divorced and have raped you or something to pull anything outside of your body and then be like, I'm going to put that back in. Completely. It's just insane.

Now I like the ladies with the seam in and I've eaten plenty of bung-hole in my day. That's not their own body. Exactly, exactly. If I'll eat your burgers any time. Alright, that's a witness, but I saw the kid do it, I must have been on nine and I still

remember it and the kid was off too, he was off, he had shitty underwear, he had a bad haircut with like a homemade haircut, you know that? I wonder if he transferred. I think so. Mine did it while making eye contact. Oh! It was like the devil slipped inside me for a minute.

He looked right at me and just cranked it out and put it on his tongue and flipped it around like a loose tooth. Oh, I'm eating here. But yeah, this kid has got some problems and I saw a guy do it on the train and he did one of these. Oh my god. And I caught it and I caught it.

Now let me throw this at you and this is where I might lose you. Uh oh. I've tasted one on accident. Oh, by accident. By accident. I like picking my nose. I'll give you that. Oh my god. I'm all pick. I pick my nose half the time

you're telling a story. I'm over here picking daisies. Yeah, yeah. Pick away. A daisy will do you, but that should be in the Olympics. Let me get a, I'll get in there. I'll beat Tokyo with this thing. Pick away. I, I forgot.

I picked my nose and I ate something and I did like a, like a chicken bigger looking good and I guess I had a little booger remnant on there and I went what the hell is that? That was a gooey brown, yellow snotty, chunky, crusty. Oh my god.

So it was big enough to bite into and there was still remnant on the other side? No bite, no bite. Lick, just a lick. Oh you licked. It was on the edge of the nail on for life. I see a Klingon. I had my best buddy my best buddy in high school, Nick Flynn, great guy. We were just inseparable.

Asian. But he pulled out boogers that were like, I was like that's from your brain. That's like a brain cartridge. Like it would be like this and it would be this long like a hot, I think we might lose because some people can't even talk about boogers. They can't handle of a snot. So we should move off.

There's snot listening anymore. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, hate a booger it's disgusting and other people's but it's the same with farts. Other people's farts you're like oh my god. But your own fart you're like that's hilarious. That's true. Yeah. I know you see a long booger coming out and it's green. You go, what are you

eating? What's your problem? You gotta grow up but your own booger, it's a good time. Yeah, I love a good boog. It's like an art project. You're like, look at this. I want to save it. Boogie cousins. I still, it still bothers me that you boogie woogie, that you put your boogers around the house as a youth.

Oh my god. That's appalling. I just think about my parents. My dad was my age now. You know, he's working. He's got a 40 minute commute every day. Think about that. It's not even highway. Just back roads New England just red light, red light, red light all morning

job he hates traffic all the way back and he gets home to take his shit and he looks and the side of the counter is just covered in graffiti. Just boogers. Booger feety. He goes, hey, you gotta stop leaving boogers in the bathroom. I go, that wasn't me. And then

he's like, what do you think I'm an asshole? No wonder he won't talk to you. I get it now. Couch cushion, the whole works, his shoes everywhere. Well, I told you when I was a little, little nitty conickers, I would shit all over the bed frame when I was a kid because, you know, my bed

was against the wall like a retarded person and I would you know, I was learning to jerk and so just two drops would come out but I would just roll it over between the wall and the bed and you forget about it, it just goes down into the purgatory and

one day we moved out, my dad's helped me move the bed. You know, he shanked that puppy off the wall. First of all, there's a line with the, you know, the dust and it's just a waxy waterfall of fucking spunk. Oh, yeah

Sarah had a roommate, the same thing, same deal. Really? Yeah, same exact thing, it was just all dripping like glue Yes, it's like an old candle, an Italian joint. Especially when you're a kid because you're so young and fresh and your organs are all, it's like it's like a bullet. Exactly, it's

primo spunk and he knew exactly what it was, there was no like, what? It was like, ah, yes, we've never spoken, we barely hug and then all you see is my baby batter all over the stucco. Oh, never spunkin'. I don't know. Spulunkin'. Stretch. Yeah, but

that roof, boy, that wallpaper was ruined. Oh, boy. Yeah, good times. Great oldies, well this is so exciting, I keep remembering that you're shooting in like two hours. I know, Jesus Christ. So what's the routine, what do you do? You shower, do you say a prayer, do a

push-up? I did push-up, I might hit a pull-up later, I'm treating it like a normal day, I got two sets I'm gonna go by, the only problem I'll tell you the problem. Sure. It's not the set, it's not the production, it's not the, this will be on wax for 50 years, ah, how's your hair?

It's the fact that I got 900 people which is bittersweet going, you need anything? You good? What time should I show up? Where's parking? When do you go on? Is there food there? Do we get drinks? What seat am I in? Am I upper deck, back deck? How long you doing? Leave me alone!

You wanna help? You wanna be nice? You wanna be supportive? Forget you know me, delete my number, move out of town. You're killing me with this shit, I got 18 calls all week with this. Well, I'll say two things, three things, I'm gonna say three things total. Three! One, you gotta get a

little gratitude in the attitude, it's very nice, you're very loved, we need love, you can feel the love, that's love, love language. B, you gotta set some boundaries, you gotta say right to people, hey, I appreciate it, I love you, you can't text me again till tomorrow.

Hate a boundary, but I hear ya. That's the thing, you gotta set the boundary and C, and this one's important. C word. Did you get my name on the list, cause I'd like to come by and see what you're doing. You're on the list, I gotta get him on the list. But yeah, you just gotta say hey, I can't hear from you anymore, I really

appreciate it, or you don't have to do that, you just fucking put it on airplane mode, you don't need to talk to anybody, you know what time to be there, your manager, all those people, they can all hear from you later. Right. So go airplane mode, you got your wife here, you got Chuck, I think, lives here now, and then

you just go up there and you do your thing. Chris Allen, I assume you have to find him somewhere, he's gotta be lost in the city, I can't imagine him functioning without you. He's in the Bronx right now, getting anally-raped under a train station, but either way, we'll figure it out, and that's the funny thing, if you don't answer it, they just figure it out. Yes, exactly. Every time,

but wait, Allen, a little comfortable yesterday, it's like, he's hosting a 1030 show, it's 1025, he's like, stop fucking with me, I'm like, I'm not fucking with you. You gotta go over there. You're on the show, you're hosting. I know. They're looking for you. It all worked out, it was a very lightly attended episode,

but... Look who you got to host. Well, he's not, he doesn't have a following, but you know, we're all trying to build something out here, and we made fun of the headband, I think he got annoyed by it, but... He's blowing up though, physically. Sure, sure, he's a fat man,

and he did a great job, and we had a fun time, we got a new booker out there, every week, Hot Soup, 1030 at the Fat Black Pussycat, come on by, we need you folks. Make sure to plug, I mean, you could be selling this thing, for God's sakes. Yeah, you're right, what the hell am I doing?

1030, Fat Black Pussycat, every when Tuesday? Tuesday, but I feel like every gay in the metro area has seen my act 38 times, because I keep running it over and over, they go, hey, we like this guy, but jeez Louise, we get it on the, come on the wall jokes. I know, but this one's not about you, this is about the show.

You're gonna just riff, you're gonna riff and rap, you gotta beat it. You know, you gotta make the show good, you got Ruby. Yeah, we got a tell, poppin' it all the time, Gaffkins come by, we had Sarah Silverman once, she didn't know who I was, but yeah, it was a good time, it's a fun, it's a seller, come on,

you can't go wrong with the seller. 1030, every Tuesday, Hot Soup, be there, probably the longest running title of show in the city. Good point. I mean, the show's been everywhere, but that show, I mean, I was drunk at that show, so it's been at least nine years. Wow, good point, good point. Remember the Irish Bar? Oh,

Handlin's, people who started that show have since quit comedy, that's how long that show's been going, we've outed people out of the business. Haynes was involved in that at one point, wasn't he? He was one of the early supporters and then he bailed. Yeah, I remember watching Haynes, I mean, this guy's unbelievable. He's a funny guy, Andy Haynes, check him out.

Uh... Yeah. I guess we could wrap this up, right, I mean, I had no idea. Ah, it takes a while to wrap up, you gotta take it out of the package, check the bruise, check the bruise. It's a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you check the bruise again, I'm worried about the bruise.

I mean, I like the pants off, that's exciting. I don't think we've done that in 38 years of shooting for NBC. We never got those trow down, but that was fun. I think the bruise, I think I just got hemoglobin levels, the back of the leg, varicose, my mother's got all kinds of varicose veins on her tits and nipples. Oh, you're gonna have those.

Yeah, I think it's fine. One pair and a mango and that's gone. I got varicose veins on my balls, so why wouldn't I have a weird bruise? And I think I'm just tough as nails when I feel a bump, I don't even notice it, you know what I mean? That's what you take away from this. You hit a corner of a desk, that is no joke.

Those corners will kill you. You hit your forehead on that, it's over. These are nice corners. Good corner. Cornerstone, coldstone creamery, Coldstone, Steve Austin. I'm gonna be all over the road, West Palm Beach, Nashville, Zanies, Appleton,

Wisconsin, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. Atlanta. Hot Atlanta. Yeah, and we got all kinds of dates. MarkNormanComedy.com. We might be drunk. Check out our specials. I hate myself. Out to lunch.

One day Netflix will be out. One day Hale will be out. And Chuck's really cooking it up. Chuck E. Cheese, good to have you. And a hot gay sets is in the works. Might be out by the time this is out. So this comes out in three weeks for God's sakes.

Oh, geez. All right, I'll be, I'll be maybe not quitting comedy by then and what do you got? Oh wait, maybe you're right. Now this comes out in two weeks. Two weeks. From now. I don't know. It's gonna be all fucked up. We gotta really backlog some episodes. I got a big project going, but you won't see that

for a while. Oh boy. September 23rd, 24th, 25th, Helium, Philadelphia for God's sakes. Get tickets. And get tickets early for all these events because it lets the club owner know, hey, this guy's got some people. So the earlier you buy the tickets, the better it is for us. And then September 30th,

October 1st, 2nd, is Mark Ridley's in what's that town? Royal Oak, Michigan. Then Bananas in New Jersey, October 8th and 9th. And a bunch of other shit coming up. Philadelphia. I mean, I'm Portland Helium coming up in November.

Zany, Chicago in November. And Skankfest also, which is already sold out, but that's gonna be fucking insane. Hopefully everything can go off without a douche because of all this shit that's going on. I think it's gonna add ticket. I think it's they're gonna be doing the Astro Dome before you know it. Who knows?

You know, whatever. I don't think Texas will shut down. Who knows what the fuck. Oh, right. But yeah, anyways, that's that and check out Joe and Ron on for some fun movie talk. And yeah, YouTube subscribe to my YouTube for the God's sakes. I gotta get those numbers up because Lord knows

we got to self-produce a lot of this shit. So we'll see. That's the way to do it. Everybody's doing it. YouTube's the king. Thank you, guys. Tell a friend we love you. We put up Patreon. The whole thing. Join the Patreon. Praise Allah. Fuck your dad.