Tuesdays with Stories! - #416 Slick Tongue

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

Yeehaw, it's another hot ep as Mark & Joe kibitz about dog sizes, poo particles on things, Mark's going to a beach wedding, and his upcoming nuptials. Check it out!  Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Better Help (betterhelp.com/tuesdays), Honey (joinhoney.com/tuesdays), & Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy you're spitting at me what do you think about the AC

oh turn off the AC yeah give it a push give it a push oh good there we go what shall we think there it is okay well it'll be toasty that's alright is it centered because I feel like I'm dead smack in front of the camera I should I could rock rock that lens around what do you call it the the viewer swivel swivel view you're saying it looks good though oh yeah well the cat looks majestic like pride rock isn't this crazy but the cows just think about this but the cat so this cat mm-hmm will never be anywhere but this house we've tried hates it what do you mean like I go for a walk we put it on a leash we

brought it to the roof you know what it is it's lived with the ceiling its whole life it's living in a tiny New York apartment you bring on the roof it's going it's got vertigo it's the sky is falling it doesn't get it we took him on the side we took him to the park once he just clings to you like a son I'm that cats don't get vertigo it's the sun it's too bright I think I think maybe I don't know if I brought him out at night I don't think you need come to life either he's he's a bitch no night cats not cat cat night isn't that something cat cat cat nap I think cats are a night animal aren't they night or something

nocturnal yeah but I thought that was something with cats night vision or am I crazy the other cats like the night you think of a bat I think you're right I think I'm a bat who hand yeah they like they like to sleep all day and fuck all night you know they're in the cave upside down their parents get killed they fight crime but I think cats don't like light because they have squinty eyes they're always squinting true see an eye with big cat with big round eyes now they're mostly Asian but I'll tell you I read a lot about cats when we bought this numbskull and they absorb the sun's heat and it gives them energy that's why you

see a cat on the window they're taking in some that's how they get their red bull or meth like us with vitamin diesel yes similar thing it needs the D I wonder you should get like a little tanning bed in here for the cat but I don't think it's the very I think it's the it goes out there and probably the wind yeah the bug maybe it's like sensory overload because there's flies and bugs and mosquitoes and you know if we did it every day and conditioned and conditioned and water boarded and shampooed and conditioned it might be better but it's once in a blue anal so he's going there's a bug what is that a bird is that a tree

here he's the king of the castle yeah that makes sense he's very sleepy it's a real sleepy cat 20 hours a day they said on the wikipedia yeah now what is it hit me straight I mean your wife's in the other room but hit me straight you like this thing it can't be fun that's sleeping 20 hours a day you gotta feed it it's long it's scratches it's not giving you any love I'll tell you there's moments I mean I've been here I got a Domino's pizza deliver and meet you at the door it cuddles you at night it you play with it you throw a spring of plays catch no kidding yeah yeah it gives you a lick every you know once every

six months it'll lick you and it just gives the house a little life a little life you know you can be in this apartment in there this son is down the TV's broken you got music on you're sitting there with your cat you're reading a book drinking a whiskey I don't know it's you feel like an old sailor now the cat sucks you're all wrong you're talking about but a dog I mean I had to do a cats and dogs bit here never been done but a dog does feel like some love I got a Louis house he's got a dog it pukes on my foot but it really it leans it puts weight on you it's genuinely happy to see you this cat is

just a lump on a log with a bunch of fur in a blanket I know it's a big hairy puss but I'm telling you it was sitting over there we start podcasting look he's social he comes and hangs out but he's not too much you don't want the dog the dog's gonna be sniffing your package licking your nips and you know trying to get what is that is that a coffee it's all over the coffee and then it's licking you and you got to push it away hate the push away well cats are very zen yes react much to anything even the dog a dog with a doorbell it goes nuts it jumps on everything it goes crazy but a cat doesn't even give a fuck about a

doorbell no no it's more nervous like who's that it's like it's a totally it's like a drug addict interesting well you ever you ever go to your friend's house as a kid he's got the dog and this tall you're eight years old you open the door and you go whoa they go it's fine he likes you you're like he's pawing my face of course I'm terrified of dogs do a bit I'm afraid of dogs I'm afraid of people that I'm afraid of dogs the people that just grabbed the dog and start shaking another dog but I don't understand people that don't buy a little dog and I know I'm gonna get shit you're a cuck I'm a liberal I'm gay my

father's an asshole like a chihuahua I hate a chihuahua child is the worst thing on earth yeah that was a stuff I'd rather a rapist over a chihuahua in my hair you look you'll Kiro rapist but like a Yorkie I want a dog I can just scoop up and we run we go for it these big dogs especially Manhattan and they're like show dogs they just want people that people just want to show off they have money in a big house yes yes it's like a little horse exactly at this massive fucking a classic dog I call like a golden retriever right Manhattan is so strange and you're like you're doing a disservice to this lovely animal look

at the cats off yeah like you want that how about the great Dane like oh it's kind of first of all you got to get great in there like you had to just slide that in it's a Dane cook it's a regular Dane yeah it's not great fine Dane Judy Dench Dane Judy Dench but either way it's too much you're ruining the animals life I don't care if you got a penthouse in the upper West you're looking out over the East River or whatever or is that East River West would be the Hudson Hudson yes news yeah so yeah it's still it's got a gallop it's got a run and chase a butterfly and roll in a meadow and lick its ass that seems like

I go to Borderlands State Park in Massachusetts and you see people there's a whole dog area and they take a frisbee and they just they whip it and that dog just runs like a fucking dog yes it jumps up and just catches it in its teeth and lands and brings it right back to you and drops it a lot of dogs I've met they never drop my sister's dog drop the ball the stick they don't drop there's a Louis dog there's a lot of like just they stand that they get the ball they bring it back to you they won't let go and then you got to put your fingers how about people that are comfortable putting their fingers in a dog's mouth I know

that's saliva it's so slick and sticky and gay I hate it it's with bad news and then even even when they do drop it you pick it up and it's like an old puss it's wet and hairy yeah then you throw it and has that yeah like the son of the hedgehog spritz then there's always that one guy goes you know a dog's mouth is actually cleaner than a can of tomato soup but you go all right well why don't you french kiss the the poodle and I'll eat the soup how about this I was talking to Ethan Simmons Patterson you know I keep seeing me seems like a hunk of a black man well he's got a hell of an arm it's a big solid thick arm

ladies like an arm he's got no social media yeah he's old school he's just like a he's like an 80s comic he just goes does the set and heads home and that's that this is my kind of guy yeah well he's got big big old arms and he's smart as a whip this guy he used to work in some kind of lab I wasn't listening when he started you know when someone starts talking you're like I don't give a shit and all of a sudden you're like wait what's that yeah you do give a shit he worked at some bullshit I don't know where he worked but he was saying they what Boeing Boeing that seems like a smart place to work you know it's like

engineering or air air and aircraft anything with aircraft I'm like holy shit I don't know I think it was some lab shit they test something maybe I don't know if you said it lab oh no you got the the Wu hand some kind of lab like a lab you know you got the Bunsen burners the beacons and the whatever beaker beaker what's a beacon that's a light that's a light to go right and a beacon is like a light the light you put on top of the cop car that's a beacon also that's a siren no sirens the noise but beacons the little you know the cop like mark ruffalo and he's got a suit he goes all right heads and we got a 419 and then

they do a u-turn they drive on how bad you want to be that guy with the put the thing on there the light bulb yeah what does it do is it stick what is it I think it's got the suction suction never works ever though I've never seen that thing slide I think the cops have the good stuff and they sell us the horse shit there should be a movie where the thing slides off immediately so he's like oh fuck you just have to hold it he gives it to his partner and the partner has to hold it out the window that's a naked gun right there that's a scene now you got a scene now you're Frank driven but yeah how bad did you want

the the sticky light and then this thing that fucking gun the holster that went over here and the gun stay right the right bullet what is it bullet the film yes the thing with the gun and the thing I want to keep my wallet my phone in one of those I love that thing yeah be fine and just suspenders with no jacket with the gun on there I just want to wear a gun because you want well yeah yeah give me a gun I want to shoot some people but it's just fun when you have the option with a cop you know you don't want to be in the blade the blue the cops should yeah you don't be in the blue you know hey you know that the guy twirling the

night stick where you going boy you don't be on the beat I don't want to be a gum shoe or whatever I want to be I want to be the guy in the trench coat with the bra gun brazier and then the sticky because now you have an option yeah not a cop cop yes exactly and I've been saying for years the sexiest look on a woman jeans no shirt topless with jeans what are you kidding you ever see that well I'm talking about cops here I don't upset while I'm setting something I say the setup I'm setting up that's the sexiest look on a woman jeans no shirt okay sexiest look on a man suit gun on hip

oh I'm saying this is my thoughts I'm not saying I'm anything I don't know nothing from Adam but I'm saying a lady with G you got a lady with jeans over here sitting like this you know jeans topless maybe not like this topless because you see the fat roll yeah they clenched together there if woman has an ounce of fat I think she should be put to death but no doubt about it a man you see him when he comes home he's got the suit hey honey how was your day he takes off the jacket he's got suit with a gun yeah it's it's business and you know business or whatever yeah and the lady's got her jeans gap jeans maybe a pair of

heels no shoes you I mean I know shirt yeah that's that's a sexy couple to me I'm with you that is a hot couple I don't know why she's shirtless with jeans on but I'll take it those heels on heels under a jean heels in a jean is good because that's business and in cash and I like if we're going out I like women always do the dolled up the fluffy bullshit the 2-2 the the 1-1 but a tee a tight t-shirt tucked in to some tight jeans that's all you need brown belt the bell gives you a little activity I love the snap when you open the belt that yeah like a cock goes you know it's like a little belt snap you

unbelt the belt the problem is with jeans they don't come off sexy because they always catch at the heel you gotta like pull that leg up true me it that's why sometimes how to just yank them down like a fourth grader peeing and just railing from behind yeah that's because you really gonna spread the asshole then sure legs are not to whatever oh yeah they're you love our part kicking those feet apart and really what a cop does you're doing the search that's a good point search and seizure sees sees her uh...

you're a seizure i had a seizure yeah now on my asshole well i used to work at a restaurant on the buttons easy there dickless get off the buttons you douche that's a good name for a cat buttons buttons

the uh... used to work at a restaurant for ten years and uh... one of the kids was epileptic the bus boy loser so every now and then he'd be carrying up tray of dishes and just go like and and and and and and it would all fall and then you wanted to yell at them but you couldn't because he was uh... mutant i want a nerd i know i know right together one guy had to reach in and hold his tongue

because they bite the tongue off when they all right as out i've seen the wooden spoon yes but a spoon in there yeah that was old school this guy you know he's the kind of guy who takes a ball out of a dog's mouth because he put his fucking hand right in that guy's mouth and saved his tongue if the new school has grabbed the time we got to go back to the old school because wooden spoon is better than a tongue grab i guess but what do you know you're at a house party or or you know you

don't have a spoon who am i and your mime i don't know my petty crocker who's got a wooden spoon on hand i know but his tongue is so slippery i thought that if you grab my tongue i would just pull it right that's true that's true slick tongue the slippery tongue silver tongue don't you love a uh... going back to ladies a tongue something i think make it i think i could come from making out

wow i mean the make out is the hottest thing i mean like if if i was like some woman was like hey we can make out for ten minutes or you can see my butthole i'd i'd make out with a butthole wait i'm not i'm saying i'm sorry i got excited i just think making out is like hotter than uh... almost out of the blow job

uh... this is what what are you nine i'm confused here you're gonna take a make-out over a beach yeah tell me like dry humping a beach is like she's down there it's not intimate it's nice but i'd like to see a face like to see a tip you barely see any tits unless you'd like sixty nine sixty nine is greater than bj to me because i got it i like a nice twat in my mouth but i do too a make out is so intimate the tongue on the chair sure it's just hot the lips on well let me ask you this there fatty when you're making out with a broad

do you close the eyes what do you picture are you picturing what the tongues are doing that's what i picture i don't know that i'm picturing too much i'm just feeling i'm not visualizing so much i'm really make out with me for a second i'll tell you what i see i think i'm not i'm not picturing the tongues i'm feeling the tongues i don't know why i picture them going like tentacles in an ocean just jizzing all over each other i don't know why oh pictures tongues i mean i picture you know i speak in tongues no one ryan throwing no hitter whenever i picture it doesn't matter i could feel the time i feel i mean i feel too but uh you don't picture what what your dick seeing inside the uh clam not mid thing during that

i'm picturing myself also getting fucked by like her brother something nice that's pretty good boy you gotta vivid on that one uh yeah i just think of my mom i don't know where you're getting the brother what if she doesn't have a brother you're here like inventing characters i come up with any brother off the screen hey brother sure uh Patterson but uh new jersey no Ethan oh he thinks it's Patterson i forgot about it i never even got to the store oh wow we went off on the tongue fuck jesus how did we get there but your tongue in the butthole as well i've told i've told you i read a few because women are so secretive you fucking skirts they like when you jam your tongue right into the uh love hole oh my god of course but nobody tells you these

things and then women go men have no idea i'm like well tell us you crazy coos we're dying to help you well every cosmo article no not cosmo a sports illustrator should do like a cosmo thing like a like a 28 things a lady will do to you know whatever yeah yeah because you got a bunch of men's eyeballs why don't you pump them with some actual valuable info isn't that what maxim was is maxim still around i think i got two you know non-feministy or some lady with boots kicked it off i don't know it's over i think remember that was a big deal we got in maxim pure and our manager got a little blurb weren't you in there i don't think so oh that's tough ouch yeah that one's tongue no i think you did maybe i think it was a little blurb and it said you

know my favorite ice cream is chocolate and then it was a little thing all right all right i don't remember the chocolate question i hope i said something funnier than that but i'll take it send me a copy will you well my thing i didn't i i was so fucking stunted my growth in social media and show business still is but one of the questions was favorite app and at the time i didn't have a smartphone i didn't know what an app was so i thought it meant appetizer this is like embarrassing yeah and so i wrote i still see guys doing that bit by the way and you're like come on i wrote jagermeister because i thought that was a funny joke thinking like what's your favorite appetizer jagermeister and i was like i put this funny joke down and people kept reading it being

like what's the jagermeister app and i was like it's a joke instead of mozzarella sticks and i was just that retarded that i didn't know what an app was right it was embarrassing so it they printed it it says you can go find it on whatever the google favorite joe list comedian yada yada favorite app jagermeister yeah i don't even know if there's a jagermeister app it's fun i i'm sure there is but it's funny because uh i see you as like a smart guy and uh you know thoughtful guy to the grindstone or ear to the uh ear to the name or whatever it is but you're always so down on yourself and i'm like why is he always down himself he's always got great points he's always got a good good head on his shoulders on a swivel whatever you want to call

it but then you hear about this shit you go no wonder he hates himself he's a fucking reto i'm a moron well i'm just bad with the social media so i get people email me every day like can i be your social media manager it's embarrassing you're humiliating like look at your friends you fucking piece of shit and i'm like i like the sunset shut up and the worst is when they go you could be making all kinds of money if you just did this app and tweak that button and push this lever i'm like i'd rather have a life i steak i don't want them i steak but any kid tick tock you gotta get on tick tock you don't much you don't much money this 12 year old mate on tick tock just showing his clip i'm like all right i hate tick tock tick tock i is i there's nothing on earth i hate more

than tick tock i i fucking hate it i want every i want to smash everyone's phones on tick tock yeah but uh but let me get to this east and pat or pat or business so he's talking about whatever lab he worked at at you know delta wherever and he said there's poo the thing they discovered there's poo everywhere i knew that winnie everywhere he said like little particles he's like on the table at the cellar here of course on your shoe the piano the camera my wife's tits sure just poo particles everywhere yeah i'm done with that that's known they said your keyboard is is dirtier than a horse dick i'm talking poo though not germs literal shit feces yes they took a cotton swab on a subway pole and it was like semen miscarriage placenta feces urine bio uh jelly grape tomato

everything i i don't quite understand how it works is he's like that's like molecule it's not like there's just shit smeared i'll cost you tv screen but there's like the poo part of let's get in there so you go down there you take a shit and you wipe your ass and it just floats and grabs on to you and then you go and you you shake a baby and then the baby has it in their diaper or whatever yeah that's why you can't be purellin all day long you need a little boom boom in your system because it's gotta learn how to because you're gonna be dealing with a lot of shit in the upcoming years so your body's gotta know how to deal with that you know think about it you wipe your ass maybe you get a tiny little morsel of dookie right on a on a thumb then you do one of these all right what are

we doing here now it's right here it jumps it well it got to the thumb you put your thumb down now it's on here so is it no longer on my thumb or is it split in half split now we split the atom and then i do this and then i go all right what's shaking now i'm snorting i'm snorting poo poo jib snorting but it's gotta be a tiny little fraction of a fraction it's a shit fraction this is what i don't understand about germs and i lude to it a bit but i'm like so let's say there's a poo particle it's on the top of my my hat yep i pick up my hat so now it's on this thumb and finger it's still the hat also oh yeah and now i put it through my hand now it's in my hand i mean how often can we spread one particle i mean how many particles are inside the particle particle not a lot but

that's his point we're not licking up uh we're not looking asshole every time we go to the diner but you're getting them all and you're also getting other shit you're getting a caveman dung you're getting uh kathy baits freckle like this is all we're all one and it just keeps smearing everywhere does it eventually die does it does it leave it must have run out eventually it must run like this eventually it's like a stamp it runs out yes but here's the thing we keep on shitting we keep pooping yeah i'm pooping like like lightning yeah the cat's twitching like uh wow like Muhammad Ali over here but i think this thing's not healthy now it's full of shit that's it's i think it's i think it's a bad news bears another cat perk you got a dog you got a

potty train a dog this cat is is uh embarrassed by its own turds so you get you get the training out of the gate he doesn't he's already trained he wakes up trained it's in the it's in the biology oh yeah no kidding wow how about that well anyways there's poo everywhere and uh i don't know what it means but i've talked about this before probably i'm not a germ guy no if i take a shit and wipe my ass i wash my hands there you go frequently that makes one of us i take a piss i don't want i just zip up you know phil handley comes in i have to jump in and take a bath he's a psycho you gotta put on a hazmat suit we gotta spray down the whole chemical peel uh fucking silkwood shower he's a germaphobe what do you think about this don't you think this is an interesting analogy maybe you

don't i don't want to persuade you before okay i went um jason canner who happens to be a germaphobe is he really oh yeah big time wow he hides it well he fucks like crazy so yeah you see it's all pipes uh so jason canner he's your his dad is a is a dear friend of mine fred and he was a bit of a germ guy himself but he's a gambler he's like a professional handicapper horse racing sport that's all he's done for years horrible horrible quality in a father you don't want your dad to be a pro gambler well that's for uh jason canner to say but uh it's like your mom running a brothel i don't know it's a little dicey yeah it's a little so well worked out for prior and uh he seemed happy yeah he did well sure where's he now he got a little

shaky but you got that right um so one time i went to the horse track the sport of kings with fred canner which that's a sport that just they called the sport of kings it was the number one sport in america now it's like garbage there's four people with a limp at one race degenerates except for the kentucky derv for some reason that one has still got some sophistication it's got a lady with a big hat and a fat guy with a mustache but that's more of a thing none of those people are going to another horse no it's an event uh so anyways i went to the horse track in cleveland which i think is gone now and we spent the day there and he's got the forms and the other form he's got weather.com he's got you know grinder and the jagermeister app all pulled up and he's he's doing all this stuff

and i'm going hey prickly peat that's the name from the thing uh 50 bucks on this one this one's the biggest odds all of that 10 bucks and i said to him how how much better are you what are the chance how much better off are you than i and he's like well i'm taking an educated guess but your guess is as good as mine really he's just taking an educated guess i'm bringing it back to germs i know all these canners and the handlers they wash they purel the whole thing and i'm like i haven't been sick in three years like how much better off are you than me yes what's the percentage it feels similar to the horse race i'm but we're not washing my hands nearly as much i'm just picking a name yeah well that's interesting you bring that up there sloppy jalopy because we used to play a

poker game in my college house i live with five guys we'd have 20 guys come over we'd get drunk and play poker until the sun came up and there was always a new guy hey we got a ralphie over here you don't play poker he's gonna you know we're gonna take this fucking uh rook's money he's about to get screwed and bamboozled he shows up they would always win all the new guy then he would come back next week lose it all right it's kind of people's first set goes well and then they start bombing like a bag of turds exactly there's something about just diving in and not thinking about it that's the real zen that's the that's why i think i think black people are a good a lot of stuff because they know how to just turn it off you got honkies out here analyzing and

debating and reading books they just dance i'm sitting there going is this a good move do i look stupid they just feel it right they got the feel i see what you mean boxing i used to box with this guy and he was black and he would go you gotta just turn your brain you're thinking too much and he would just be like feel it go in i was like i can't i'm a cracker i got nothing that's like tracy morgan he's like he's like he's too much writing what are you writing over there he's like stop writing he threw a guy's notebook out the window he's like just go up there there's a balance though there's a balance you know you also gotta take care of your kids and pay the bills and you want to cut a rug but there's a balance sure you got a balance but the germs it's so interesting

because it's like you spend so much time like they won't open a door handle they'll they take the paper towel and they open it or they wait for someone else they hold the door with their foot and they they don't you know they wipe their ass twice or whatever you purell the whole thing yep they're like you're gonna eat food without washing your hand i'm like well i got a fork i'm gonna use a fork yeah and even that i'm like i dropped food on the not on the floor and i step on the table they're like you just ate right off the table it's all i'll be fine don't worry about me well first of all it's a little selfish just kicking the flusher now you're you're you're fucking over the guy uses his hand now you're putting germs on the flusher from the bottom of your dirty disgusting

hoof right but it's all window dressing jerry i what is window dressing i think it's you put the things up you know a shutter i don't know about a blanket don't you think a shutter to think i don't know but either way we'll figure that one out but a sticker i think it's a lot of control i am in control here i put a paper towel in my hand before i touch the handle look at me taking control of my life i think that's a big part of it yeah well that's definitely part of it which i i got it's because i have ocd but not the hand washing ocd right i got the like let me go step on the proper crack with the middle of my foot i gotta go back there and tap it all that bullshit but see that's cool because that's already labeled a disorder like i can just write that off and go

he's got a disorder yes this is also a disorder but they think they're it's almost like uh-oh you're ready for this yeah boy it's almost kind of like a wokey activism thing what you're doing looks good on paper you think you're helping people but you're actually hurting the same way you're hurting your immune system with the germs because you're weakening it you're actually hurting maybe these minority groups with the thing you think you're helping interesting let them grow let them learn their adults they'll figure it out so the hand washing you're saying by washing your hands it weakens you oh yeah gotta get those amunes baby let them work let them fight let them train it out you know you don't want to call your kid and then he becomes a grown up he can't ride a bike

well once again it's a balance because it's like you know i don't go out there licking the bottom of uh people's shoes although it's a beautiful lady i wouldn't mind sure but i'm not licking the thing but when i get off the train i ride the subway i hold on to the thing and then i get off i don't run to the bathroom to wash my hands i go all right let's do a podcast yeah here yeah same here i've been i've used these mics since 81 i don't wash them we had uh you know all kinds of dicks and harry's in here and you let it ride i'm letting it ride and some people probably throwing up being like you're the grossest person and i wash my hands just not uh you know before if i if i played frisbee or whatever or basketball you get some dirt i look i'm like i got dirty hands

and i shower a couple times a day usually so wow it's a lot of shower yeah i don't know why i said a couple times i shower once a day baby shower but here's the thing is uh all right we got a pal he's a jewish fella he probably gets sick once a month i get sick once a year i just had it we did a show you know i had a sinus infection well you had claimed to have coven twice and that's that's three very six in a year and a half that's true every four months i don't want to be a prickly no no be a prickly peat you can bell bet on you serious illness remember you had the show we were dying yeah that lasted one day it was a bug okay well i got over it most people would have taken a week off i did i did both shows not saying you're not tough it was it's impressive i'm just saying

okay maybe that's not shaved down these six maybe yeah maybe maybe more than once a year but uh he gets sick once a month sure i get sick much less than him he's washing his hands he's actually cleaning his asshole and he's he's showering i do none of those things and here we are hey hey folks tuesdays with stories is brought to you by better help what's standing in the way of achieving your goals figure it out with better help folks look you know me and the fat man are obsessed with alan our therapist we'd be in the gutter we'd be dead we'd be weird or jewish without him he saved our ass he's a good egg therapy it just lets you know what's wrong with you you know hey you go to the gym you pump some iron why wouldn't you fix your noggin you got issues your

parents are wacky your uncle touched you everybody's got something ocd hiv ups whatever it is you gotta get on it why not why let the garbage pile up in your head get it out clean the system flush it it's good for you hell try it once you might feel better and it's like a emotional enema it's all remote do it from the comfort of your home flexible schedule video or phone calls at your convenience get a good match they'll put you with a licensed therapist who is right for you that's key it's hard to find the right cat better help his therapy for the 21st century it's not a crisis line it's not a self-help better help with professional therapy all online it's fast it's affordable and now you can even send messages you don't have to do a terrifying phone call i know how

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we all know we're twisted tuesdays with stories is brought to you by sheath underwear baby you know we love sheath i did the sheath podcast recently roberts a good egg ex veteran huge gay big fan of the sheath i'm wearing them right now i'm not even lying i got a big handful of norman package right in my palm there and uh yeah you put the the the shaft right in the front pocket pouch and the balls are securely scooped up in the old undercarriage and they're separated for once in their goddamn life it's palestine and jews out there they need a little me time so uh you gotta get the sheet they feel good they look good they got lady stuff too my gal's trend she's got all kinds of stuff going on in her pajama bottoms they got braziers they got it all

they fit well they feel well and they look well get on the sheath we love it and uh i'm wearing them now i i just threw up my other panties i don't even wear uh women's stuff or fishnet anymore the idea for sheath caverman's founder us army soldier big rub during the tour in iraq support this awesome company whose founder is a tuesday himself and a big comedy fan check out our pod go to sheath underwear dot com in order with promo code tuesdays to get 20 percent off your first order and sheath underwear is 100 percent money back guarantee that sheath underwear dot com promo code twos gaze get sheath underwear and let them support your cajonis you know it's big about getting sick and not getting sick here you know about this nasal breathing it's all nasal

nasal is huge nasal is big because you got the hairs and the boogers yeah and that's why you're not supposed to uh too much huh you need a big bush you know the the nose trimmer oh yeah because it catches all the poop particles if you bring to your mouth there's no filter i read yeah it just slides right down there like frog shit you gotta the the nasal it's all it's catches that's what i've been reading it's a web of lies in there i got i got crazy nose hairs and i'm proud of it i got some sicilian stems coming out of here let me see a couple let me get a little i can't see wow the light you give me the bad angles here i don't know what your angle is oh it's pitch black pitch black it's like a like a greeks ass in there it's it's horrible

but uh i gotta tell you you shoot a missile in there it'll it'll catch it oh wow yeah it's good stuff i mean you gotta have it i like to itch my nose i like to pull boogers out or whatever but you need those hairs those fuzzies you gotta breathe through the nose i've been reading a lot about this jesus christ big in a nose the cat just did a bold fast move oh no that was wild well every time with the pod never does this otherwise i swear to god those back feet are longer than veeters look at those i know it's like a like a a terrain what do you call it a velociraptor yeah it's like a size six weird they just popped in popped out did a turnaround it was facing the other way a second ago yeah that's tail is a little aggressive it's wild it looks like a duster

i think it is it picks up a lot and a lot of shit and spreads it around now the cats get like a cold the common cold it's sneezing he actually has herpes what yeah thanks a lot sorry about that and uh conjunctivitis you're kidding no no he's a he's a lemon you're kitten ah jeez i liked it yeah it wasn't bad yeah yeah yeah great what i have no idea how long we've been doing this podcast this is a wacky one can i just say that to the folks at home we've talked about it i'm out of town so we're recording four episodes in three days yeah i mean this is wacky wednesday but these are some of my favorites when we just go off into the uh ether well i don't even know what ether is by the way either way ether sullivan yeah uh i have no idea what ether is i pretended

and i'm still worried about window dressing but let me throw this at you there fat man i'm driving to boston tonight tonight tonight i'm from there sort of kind of and i gotta tell you we got this uh my manager had a big meeting with me like we don't want to lose you everybody's firing the manager i think i told you already uh so they're like helping whatever they can so i said well i'm going to boston i can't book a flight i could barely count i can't get it up can you help me book a book a rental car the kids like you got he's like their assistant he's a whiz with the planning and the events and the bookings wow the whiz hell of a whiz uh jeez whiz so i go hey what do you think he goes here i got your car out of manhattan pick it up at seven drive out so

we're gonna do our she's gonna do a pod with her friend i'm doing shows and then we're driving out at like midnight i love that i love feeling like you're getting out i love that get up get out i like it i love the head start yeah we're going to a wedding on the cape oh the wedding should be fun i got the suit in the bag and do you like a suit barefoot beach a suit barefoot i find off putting too many uh engagement photos where they're like look at we're on the beach in suits and i'm like come on i don't know they want to do out of the beach what am i gonna say hey hey bring it inside quaves i'm not saying you shouldn't go i'm saying it's not my cup of tea you're asking me what i think about what what's the problem i like drink no shirt i like shoes i hate bare feet i hate sandals

a man of a lady hoof now that i want to put my mouth i want to suck on her toes look her feet issue i got a man foot issue i admit it the hairy knuckles they're always pointy and wacky i just hate man feet yeah but even on a sandy hook well sandy if you're in a bathing suit bathing suit no shoes fine it's just too kitschy look so no shoes i see come on sunset i think you'd be taking a photo do you like work boots on a surfboard wouldn't you go what what is this that's uh counterproduc well this is counterproduc you got shoes you wear up you wear a shoe with a clothes do i go dress you on a beach come on sure if you go and dress shoes if you're dressed up uh what are you hitler you got all these rules now not rules these are society's rules barefoot you know that that's wacky

that's why you said it it's fun it's fun fine it's fun but it's fun to wear uh you know uh oven mitts as hands if i'm playing soccer sure because you can't use your hands anyway i'm fine with that but but i also am getting hammered in a in a suit which is against the the odds i know but the suit you want to get the suit off why not why go suit if you're going barefoot well you're just trying to be different you're just trying to be hey look at us we're doing a thing they're having a party on the be a wedding on the beach you got to wear a suit to a wedding and i'm on a beach so you get the best of both well you got to wear shoes to a wedding too typically not on a beach but i'm saying you're saying you've got to wear a suit to a wedding right we all know that yes

you can't go into a tight eye in a in a clan hood right nor can you show up barefoot unless it's on a beach if it's on a beach though if you don't need the shoes why need the suit because it's uh you still get the symbolism of the dress up but hey we're laid back i suppose but i like a shoe on the beach even because there's crabs and there's glass and there's needles i grew up in the task at beach so i don't know what's from what but okay let me throw this at you well you want to compromise i'll compromise beach sweating suit flip flop i hate flip-flops that's a little bit better okay i hate clip-flop clip-flop sure sure bullshit okay it is weird if you're gonna be on the beach it is weird to wear shoes okay what about the suit with the shorts the

khaki shorts the nice short that's something now we're getting somewhere but i can still be barefoot i know i think it's just the feet are just gross i just hate a foot i'll tuck them in your feet are fine i'm sure but there's gonna be someone there with a big fat clomper flat feet a weird uh tattoo fuzz fur thing sure i i get you know whatever people want to do well you know you can walk into the ocean a little bit let it dry roll over the toes a little get that cold thrill but you gotta roll up the pant leg i like to roll up too fruit now i like the ladies with dresses and no shoes that that licks my balls a little see i don't get these guys there's a lot of guys like you you're not alone i've gotten yelled at for being shoe shoeless joe vinson but

i just think what's the big whoop just don't look at them i suppose i mean you can say i gotta take my dick out what's the big whoop don't look at my dick yeah you got a point you got a point don't look at my uh you know i got i got a swastika on my forehead just don't look at it don't worry about it yeah look at my eyes one is a private part and a uh racial epithet i'm saying a foot should be a private part ah well then you're getting a free show with the lady sandals that's what i mean that's it it feels sexy too i get nothing out of it well it's not uh i'm not gonna i'm not gonna come but it's nice but some are bad but you do see you do know there's bad lady feet and good lady both of course of course so there's something to that what do you think about

a toe ring on a lady oh what are we children all right you come from spencer the gifts now i'm turned on but i like a what's it called the uh bracelet no the uh not the manicure a pedicure nice petty you know nice french lick indiana whatever it's called when they do the thing yeah yeah french tips no what is that frosted tips frosted hold on i got it i'll come up in a second tip patina this is a french manicure yeah i think it's a french i think that's not that great though because it's just the white tips ah by the way my toe also i guess i'm maybe i'm projecting because i got that middle toe it's yellow and oh yeah and just oh same thing my toe nails you could shoot them with a gun point blank they wouldn't they'd bounce right off their heart is a rock

yeah it stinks um what do you think about the guy with the metal detector on the beast that guy i don't know what he's doing you go to a beach in afghanistan kawait um madagascar argentina that guy is there for destin florida he's there i don't get it and there's like three of them you're like how could there be more from yesterday every day someone's losing gold i know and they think they're gonna find uh blackbeards the bloom from 1801 it's like get a life man get a job it's it's such a funny metaphor microcosm of everything wrong with our planet it's like the most magical healing spiritual thing in the world is right there that's a good boy and then you're like maybe there's something under here like you're carrying this put it down whatever you find it's

like we talked about last week if you can see it it won't fix it whatever you're gonna find and then there is not gonna bring you the amount of joy right that you get if you put it down took off your socks and shoes and suit and walked straight into the ocean that's a lesson for the kids at home he thinks he's gonna find some doubloon that's gonna be worth 500k and he's gonna coast everything is right there it's out there you got the coast right here the coast coastline my god the cat just did another wax whoa hey it's own back i found a little uh maybe got a flea the itchy spot good band red hot chili pepper get that itch get it oh my god did we lose the device no no we're good we're good okay i'm just worried about those buttons

but yeah something was gonna retina car going out it's exciting and just you know you hit that Connecticut traffic but not an 11 oh what uh not an 11 p.m we're telling you still do though come on that's what's crazy about the northeast quarter it's a nightmare we do it all the time because we go up there fucking every eight weeks you leave at 10 30 11 11 30 construction one lane you just always hit it yeah but i gotta tell you you gotta be careful with these weddings sarah's got a theory this comedians that never came back because they had like six weddings in a row some of these people they're popular particularly women it feels like because they have all the friends from college they're like they're just out of comedy they're like i gotta take off uh

august through october because i got weddings i don't like that i know that's the problem yeah these weddings they're a menace and and people are getting married less than they ever have and they're still a menace i mean you get into your like 30s if you were popular person which you are and your and your wife is a popular person which she is you can have nine weddings in one summer yeah and then you're like you're not even a comedian anymore i know let's get some funerals going people what's up with all the weddings it's it's it's scary sometimes we gotta go to hawaii we got a big wedding then we gotta go down to calcutta we got a big wedding yeah the calcutta wedding will get you but i will say i'm having a wedding in about a year so uh block it

well you gotta send me a save the date i will oh yeah see you gotta get that printed and the invitations and the suit and the shoe list i mean it's so much stuff it's a lot we went magnet magnet it's nice i like to slap it right on the fridge it's there and then you go all right magna kim lati that helps magna card but you gotta do the save the day especially with comedians yeah is everyone's booked everyone's packed solid hey ho tuesday's stories is brought to you by honey look we all shop online everybody makes fun of bezos and then when you get that package at the front door we all go down on each other what's more fun than a package i love a package i used to steal them all people's porches i'm not proud of it it was a different time but you gotta get honey

we all shop online we've all seen that empty promo code just eyeballing you you know that empty thing where you go boy i wish i knew that 8196-z 6814 big dick walley whatever the hell it is there's always that code do you think who is that guy who knows the codes who's got the inside scoop on the codes i'll tell you who's got it honey the search is over honey is a free browser extension that scours the internet for discount codes when you're ready to check out honey automatically applies the best one what a great idea whoever came up with this is smarter than me and i'm glad they exist instant savings honey has found its customers over two billion clams and savings supported by over 30 000 stores online buy anything from tech and gaming products to beer and wine

wow yeah i bought a certain pair of sneakers and some jeans and uh i threw that promo code right in there and it felt like doing a cheat code in street fighter in 1994 remember those days you're like who knows these these codes well this is game genie but for products so you gotta get on it i saved a couple clams it was all worth it and it's just fun you feel like you're beating the system screw these fat cats and in israel here we go if you don't really have honey you go get straight up you're straight up missing out for free savings you gotta get on honey it's literally free installs in a few seconds save some dough and support this podcast get honey for free at joinhoney.com tuesdays that's join honey.com slash tuesdays and get that honey baby what do you got to lose

well obviously it'll be 2022 so we'll have some uh head headway but my 2022 is filling up road ahead i got march april may of okay all right well we better get on it then i'm getting a magnet i like a magnet get on it get the debt to save the day are we talking big are we going huge a lot of comics or well here's the clinker it's probably gonna be in new orleans i know you told me sorry skin on skin is tough i mean if i had jeans on i'd hate it but there you go it's a little better all right yeah yeah okay well we're probably gonna go new orleans and look we're very understanding if people can't go i get it but we're gonna do it try to do it like a tuesday wednesday run out of big house we'll all stay in the house if we want kind of like you do with the

hotel uh-huh kind of like that the wedding house backyard it's it's a mansion it's new orleans okay but i mean what are you doing 100 people 200 people 50 people that's a good question i probably say a hundo that's what you think uh-oh you're way off on these numbers i'm telling you right now teach me teach me why we went 115 it's the biggest regret of my life because you got people and some reason at the time you're like wow we got to go 115 because it becomes a bigger room because more expensive spend the money and there's all these people i wanted to be at my wedding i it's like my biggest regret in my life is this person that person this person comedians and you just go and then you have to make that cut and you're a popular guy the cut

you gotta be like well i guess vidas out and you're like oh whatever you know you have no people like that the cuspy people vidas not a cusp guy but i just wanted to pick him because it was fun sure well you're gonna have a lot of cuspers yeah i hate a cusp because you're like okay i got umar we've spent some time we got mugged in baltimore zoom are in there right there's sean murphy in there and all these people and then you got your manager agent are they coming you got sd is sd going i mean no really no no to gnome uh but you know there's people things like this you got to think about right and then you know a lot of people like hey do i can't go to New Orleans and you go okay i get it i get it so then you lose a chunk that's what you think but people want to go you're

popular guys well and also new orleans is a destiny that's right new orleans is fun plus you got you got your college buds you got your middle school buds you got your comedy buds then you got the family and she's from mass so she's got 48 uncles and cousins i know the irish cuts it's a lot so just 115 i mean that was small there's a lot of people i'm close with old school boston people and i'm like i guess i haven't seen them in a few years so but then you look back and you're like i grew up with those people yeah that's tough i'd say too hundo for you too hundo you're a too hundo plus you guys do okay your parents probably have some cash um you got some cash you know you spend a little yeah it's not even about that it's just about who even with

too hundo you gotta make cuts because the family alone both of that that's 60 right there i know that's what's insane i mean i had like i had like 39 family members wow it was just like bang die of covid i don't know we'll factor it all in who knows where we'll be in a year maybe we'll all be in russia yeah that's good what what china i don't know they're taking over i hear that i don't know what it means i don't know what that means either but who cares get it over with if you're gonna take over just do it already yeah i'm gonna take over i think it's all this alarmist shit i'm like i look out the window like i don't know i went to the movies yesterday seems okay yeah yeah yeah and and i'll worry about it when i see a bomber jet going across with a little

fucking chinese writing on it but that wedding's gonna be something i can't oh yeah i'm gonna be off my ass dancing around skidding around relapse baby yeah we're gonna get a brass band there's gonna be a pool somebody's getting pushed in you know it's gonna be fun well they would be there when we get the you get the arm i get the leg we do that one one two that sounds great i love it i love all this i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking the bedroom no yeah i can't wait it's creaky it's old new orleans houses all wood formal can i wear shoes is that gonna be okay i know you don't like shoes no beach so shoe it up i'll wear shoes and um it's gonna be exciting i can't wait yeah very fun so i'll send a magna

bag of hat and uh we'll we'll make it work i gotta get the cat down there too the cat's gonna be the ring bear the cat'll be okay it we can stay here all right cats out sorry we're making cuts already puts and boots get cut yeah cut cut go cut go cut me make um yeah so uh that'll be fun you just want to get it over with get the whole thing in the bag you want it to be good i like how wedding when i when i was banging you know remember you were like 15 18 you go to weddings uh forever and ever the body of cry you had to sit with a whole mass shooting and then you had to go to the reception we'd all get on a little bus and go to a reception i hate we're doing it all in one place that's what we did we had all i mean that's why i thought our wedding

was first class great wedding at a hotel no church fucking uh 15 minute ceremony not even six minute ceremony well bobby kelly can only be in the sun for too long and to keep keep him wet like a whale i mean we had a eight minute ceremony and then just went right over there and then just cocktail hour right into food dancing no bullshit no introducing the band oh we gotta bring up the thing and no speeches just fucking doot doot doot yeah and me and you were were cut from the same cunt so i'm at the bar after the ceremony i look over i got arie stavros nate i'm like veter donnelly these are my people here like there's no bad hang because we got the same group such a great group mackey griffin depolo soter uh the whole thing

yeah that was that was good fun plus all the boston guy oh god oh yeah derrick and the other guy just uh hooting a hanny and uh hooting a nanny it was just great and i'm arrived fucked up because i show up and then me and the lady bang in the in the hotel room as you do to christen and then i put my suit on she puts her dress on we walk out you guys are playing fucking early suit cornhole cornhole i look like a cornhole i'm like hey guys you're like what are you you're wearing this sodas in a bathrobe and uh you know his girlfriend's blowing the waiter but who's now a comedian i know i know so much has changed but uh we have nine x's that were there we look at the photos we're like jesus christ yeah wow you're right oh yeah that's weird everybody yeah beth

stelling was there yeah oh wow that was wild there's a great photo somebody took it of nate he's like talking to her she's got like the bra straps down here you know it's that end of the night everybody's been eating dancing drinking and nate's like let me tell you something this is him leaning over his tie is loose he's got a little dribble and puke on his chest great time that was so fun i'm thinking about this this is what i think about what do you think about this tell me what you see it's a bit of my face come in my ass please because the wedding is so fun it's the only time you get everybody you love all in one place yes i got my i got uncle dale over there i got dan bulger and tom dusted and derek wash and yourself and all these people yep you never get that again

i'm like it's not unless i die these people are gonna be together that's true i turned 40 next year we're thinking about getting a big haul let's do a big 40th only because i like people like shit we gotta go they're having a big party because that's the only way to get people together you're right otherwise it's just my mother dying is the next time we'll all see each other yeah and even then have to go you're not gonna take a night off of that i'll take it on it for a haul a what now he said you're getting a big haul i'm saying a birthday haul i like my mother dies i won't be seeing you no you got that right i'm sorry deb i've already seen your tits we got it but get the haul you haul haul the notes we'll get we'll get a big beer haul warehouse and you go

you tell everyone your friends hey you want to do a podcast and they go sure and then it just turns out to be a party yeah that's not bad we a lot of followers a lot of downloads will help your numbers oh shit my numbers because don't you want to have isn't it funny how you got henry philips greg warren christ walsh yeah you know john again he missed the wedding but whatever he was writing on the tv show i'm over it now he's fine but you get all those up another spot yeah you get all those people it's fun so you gotta throw your own birthday so you can go hey i gotta tell sarah like hey here's the plan for my birthday if you could just do it right right no i'm into it you got something there fatty let's let's do it let's do a big party for no re big 40 then we got

two big parties that's big big because we got to get together more we're all gonna we're all gonna look back and go shit we're 78 years old he's got aids he died of a fire we never hung out i know nothing i can i can just stop and close my eyes i picture gary gullman and nick griffin on the dance floor where will you ever see nick griffin dance again never again i mean it was magical i mean ryan hamilton cut a rug like it was a fucking soul sir what is that thing soul soul soul train soul train soul joel yes thanks thanks for that soul joel uh and ryan but by one point it was just me and ryan hamilton on the dance floor by ourselves and remember louis was whipping Nate around on the dance floor oh yeah oh it was a pile of tits

how about veter's wedding that was a hoot out in brooklyn on the waterfront i had the blacklist cunt uh you had uh what's her face sarah yeah that's it and you know louis gave that horrific speech oh what a great time that was that was a bad speech yeah i got my engagement in the next day i said all right veter seems fine i'll do it what a fun what a different time i don't want to get all misty and quaffy but uh there was no political no uh hey hey you're offensive hey we gotta shut this thing down this podcast is out of order this whole wedding's out of order it was just like hey you want to get drunk all right let's do it what what do you got the chicken i got the fish should have gotten the chicken it was just it was a little lighter speaking of that i don't want to

go down a deep rabbit hole but cat hole i found my old camera an old digital camera mine and i looked through some photos and it was like me and de steffano and phil hamley in norway but then i found some from a park hag you know i do the park hags sure there's a photo i'm like i want to post this and tag her because there's a group of people that you would never see together i mean it's legion of skanks and brooklyn skinny pants all hanging sitting in a circle everyone's laughing that's my point i'll i'll name the people after her off air i already can think of three but you're like this person with that person i know i know well what changed what is it because it's that photo is a clear line of of uh how much things have amplified and division and and hatred and

teams you're on that team i'm on this team what happened well i don't want to get too deep because then we're the guys talking about i just i have no opinion i just want to know what you think social media i think is a huge part of it i think you're right because there's people you see them in person they're just nice people and then you see the social media and you're like what what the fuck because i have it too because people are so extreme you're like are you insane with this yeah this doesn't make any sense and you're like i can't even talk to this fucking person and then you see him and you go oh hey what's up steve how you doing steve rogers extreme yeah right wing nothing but it the seeing face it keeps people in check it go hey we're a human being in a society with

social norm mcdonald's so like i get it but the social media it's all faceless even though you got that little cum stain of an icon there it's still pretty faceless this cat is doing a weird thing it's going all in i mean this covered its head up can you imagine this is like the best night sleep i've gotten in 10 years and it's just on a on a coffee table lights out i know we're yelling right in front of it he loves it he loves the commotion loves the yell yeah just gonna move your little pillow there you go you're doing great um newsin yeah i think you see because i i gotta mute i mute people sometimes on twitter on both ends of the uh political spectrum mutiny because you're like this is a person i like they're sweet they're swell and they post stuff that you're like

this is complete insanity i know you're right i i went to the cellar last night and you know you look at the board you know you show up is i love the board sees all the names they write it out a little sharpie who's on i love these people show up go who's on tonight i'm like you don't know who this person is right pretending like you know who uh fucking andy haines is you know you're just like andy is a funny guy but it's uh it's just a name on a board that you're all you gotta go okay well i think i'm ready you know right it doesn't say chappelle or bill burr or george carlin but my point is i saw a name on there and i go oh that guy oh man he had some tweets the other day and i went i shut up and i walked in and we talked for half an hour it was great yeah that's the thing

and nowadays what scares me is you get in trouble for being friends with people that have opinions right they're like oh wow i see you mentioned that guy yeah i don't know how you're friend and uh now we're too far in we're gonna get too far into one of this is more bonus material i feel right you're right we'll pull back but there is because not because i'm afraid of offending anyway just this feels like a conversation the fans are tired of that's tired of the pc and we're not we're not even attacking the cancel bullshit we're just that's just a friend thing i'm just saying that that photo is is a perfect uh comeation yes but i'll just say this we've said it privately it's so strange when people are like wow you're friends with that guy this

changes the way i look at you and you're like well why doesn't it change the way you look at that person because you know me right you know me as a good person you know i'm a good human being you love me you've known me for years you know who i am yeah it doesn't go the other way shouldn't you go oh maybe that person's not so bad if he's friends with them but instead they go well this guy must be a fucking piece of straight secretly even though i've known them for 15 years great point which one is actually more likely that i'm a horrible come guzzling a hole that you hate now or the other way i've just i've just fooled you for 10 years yes exactly this person you don't know maybe they're not so bad well it's kind of like the headlines it's like almost on social

media or or in media to make a splash you gotta go this guy's a nazi and you go actually he's a jewish guy with a yamaka i know but we gotta say not right it's big it's big and it's the same with that it's easier to go you're a piece of shit then maybe he's a good guy it's just it's more enticing for the brain to go piece of shit right yeah strange you just go all right well whatever we're all humans it's all pipes and uh we're all gonna die one day we gotta remember that this is all we're a speck of dust on a queef ball out in the ether and the dust is got poo on it you got that right uh there's an old buddhist adage when you get in an argument with someone imagine them 200 years from now ah you know they're dusty we're all gonna be dusty we're in the ground and then

none of this is gonna matter you know you see those old photos of men and hats and women in these big ball gowns and they're trying to catch the trolley they're all dead none of it mattered they all said oh i farted that one time at the funeral and everybody hated me none of it at all washes away with the sand barefoot and that's gonna come soon you see this new climate change report forget about we got about three days to live so let's go let's go rape some bitches or men yes or boys young young boys whatever yeah yeah shower uh just kidding of course yep but no i'm with you i'm with you it's all specks of queef so live your life do what you got to do and be nice to people then what was that old meme i saw it's a great meme it really

some of these memes are pretty impressive me i don't know it was uh an old guy on his death bed he's about to croak and he goes i wish i'd spent more time tweeting and you're like boy that really uh brings it all together there fatty well twitter is just really a big garbage fire of aids it's not good i wonder if we should outlaw it i think it should go away well i mean i don't know about outlaw that's tough we gotta we do you can't outlaw it not outlaw but just get rid of fascists just it's just you gotta you gotta we each have to make a personal effort to not be on it or be affected by a part of it which i've been doing for a while and it really helps it does it does yeah you tweet out a joke and then you throw it in the other side of the room yeah yeah

post and ghost i like that that's not mine all right but g i went on uh went to martin's vineyard i went the ladies he's got big jugs i do a proposal we're on a moped we're in the ocean we jumped off the jaws bridge whoo what a thrill and then you go i haven't tweeted four days and nobody cares no nobody's thinking about it i'm not thinking about it you know jump off a bridge folks that's what i'm saying yeah i might do that right after this but uh anyways this has been a fun out this is wacky wacky up all over the road downs over out uh cats out and i don't even know a day this is coming out because we're recording i maybe it's september right now i know right the cat's been cosby i don't know what day we're on uh specs of quiff here we are oh jeez a lot of do a lot of text

coming in what do you got for dates there's love helium philadelphia coming soon that's coming up september 23rd 24th 25th and then uh after that the weekend after that i am at mark ridley's in royal oak michigan love it love that club that we can have that bananas in new jersey so come out to that and then i got portland helium coming up i got uh zany chicago coming up a lot of stuff coming wow that's all very exciting killers in a row yeah it's gonna be fun go subscribe to youtube joe and ron on is on a uh what do you call that spotify no when you take a break hiatus run hiatus now because i'm shooting a uh science picture science fiction motion picture in uh florida so uh but we'll be back so go subscribe catch up on that it's evergreen go

watch that and subscribe to my youtube and join the patreon you got that right there's a new hot gay sets up there which was hilarious and fun we did a bonus recently that's out there yeah bunch of shit ton of bonus shit ton and we have a tv show on there i know it's a it's a it's a tuesday network basically exactly all right i'm in uh i don't know when this comes out either we'll just say albany 9 11 come on out that'll be fun west palm beach improv that's in florida boy that's a big fat scary room so god bless america madison wisconsin that'll go comedy connection in providence that should be a solid one zany's in nashville rochester new york funny bone richman that could be tough portland helium braya in california laugh boston and uh vancouver house of comedy and then

the big one the buckhead theater in atlanta god i'm nervous let's try to sell some tickets to this theater my whole career depends on it we'll see what happens the netflix specials coming out in a month tell a friend spread the love queef it up praise a la keep it rocking we'll take us to the rockin comedy