Tuesdays with Stories! - #417 Wake n' Lake

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

Hey heeeyyy Tuesgays, we've got a hot ep this week as Joe is in the thick of filming his big movie while Mark loses his phone during a DMV battle before trying to find a gig in the middle of a hurricane. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: MyBookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays), Native (nativedeo.com/tuesdayswithstories or use code: tuesdayswithstories), Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), & Lucy (Lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Bet anything anytime anywhere with my bookie Hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag Surf's up And she didn't even flush knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe less. Yeah, it's Tuesdays with stories everybody Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy

All right Welcome to Tuesdays with stories folks. It's gonna be a weird one a strange one a wacky one as you can see I'm still in a cabin in the woods. I'm looking out on Beautiful Lake George. I like to call it Lake Gorge us Ah, I caught it. I caught it. It stinks. I like it. That's so weird You're you're you're like secret window. You're you're that you're you're in the movie cabin in the woods You're out there. You're in misery. I feel like the somebody's gonna break your ankles with a sledgehammer I'm out here so far gone. I'm out here Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it and there's storm clouds on the horizon

I mean this house is just spectacular. I mean look at this motherfucker. The lake is right out there I'm surrounded by mountains. I have no reception. No Wi-Fi. I hate these do you hate these people like I do They go I like to escape up into the mountains no reception no Wi-Fi And I'm like well just put your phone in a drawer because you have an emergency. I'm out. I can't contact anybody It's like it's so I know I got these pretentious people like I like to be in the woods where you can't even use a phone, right? Yeah, just turn the phone off and go walk around the neighborhood. I'm with you I mean look I get the nature the view the the honey do is nice, but You can turn your phone off anytime

Exactly, and I've had about 15 situations here where and one just now we go to record the Wi-Fi has been perfect lights out or lights on Whatever yeah, and right when we try to record the Wi-Fi goes out It sucked a fucking my father's dick and it was disappointing, but now it seems to be on I hope it doesn't fuck up again, but I told you on the on the patreon bonus join that patreon folks nice new bonus out that the Internet not the internet the electricity went out and with the internet and you just can't contact anybody now and as soon as I leave The house there's no reception, so I got to drive 25 minutes to get a text and of course You know I drive to Super Walmart because it's the only thing around I get 18 minutes

All of a sudden the reception comes back on I get a text going. Hey, can you take me up to the Super Walmart? I just got the text I would have turned around, but I I'm too far gone now Isn't it fascinating these things we never had 15 years ago now if we don't have them our lives are ruined like my parents were just in Ida you know they're driving up and down Louisiana and trying to get power trying to get reception trying to get anal or whatever it is and Then they they got to go to Baton Rouge It's an hour away because they're dying to charge their phones and yet when I was growing up We didn't have a phone, but now we have to well you asked, but you did have a

Landline and now there's no landline, so you can't even talk to anybody and here. I'm in a place here with it's just a I Can't even talk about what's going on. It's too emotional. I'm gonna start crying. We wrapped most of the actors It's it's too much up here, but I'm making this movie and it's a movie about a family not too dissimilar from mine and We're shooting in a house and so the whole cast is together all day every day And then I got the best house because I'm an EP and star and and writer and so Everybody just comes over every day and don't you love this? We don't even text anymore for a while. It was like hey party at my house now

They just show up these whip of snappers the poppin. I thought you hated the poppin. Oh, I love a poppin in the woods Poppin in the city. I'm not so sure about but poppin in the woods. I come on over a Woods poppin is different because there's six people in your life Yeah, you know, I'm all you're comfortable with all of them But a city poppin is terrifying could be your aunt could be a clan member. It could be a comic Those are all the same person, but They got a lake right here. That's the other thing is I'm on the beach I got a beachfront house here. Yeah, so sometimes I'll just lay on the window and see some of my cast mates my friends

My buddies my pals just swim to the lake. So I go hey Come on up. They went well be up there or I'll go down and join them and fucking the river Wow, it's so quiet that maybe it's the way we're supposed to be I'm telling you mark. I'm a change man. I'm a new man. I day one. I it's the most spiritual experience of my life I wake up. I walk straight out of my house Put on some shorts and go straight into the lake. I've been awake for five minutes And I've been in a lake for three minutes. It's a waking lake. It's a waking lake But what about the bugs the this the turnips the sea scallops? What about all the stingrays?

You never know. It's not a lake an ocean I feel like I can go ankle deep and capper neck and do a kneel and whatever but the lake. It's just It's free for all it's mucky. It's dark. It could be a Possum in there. You don't know what lake you're talking about here. I don't know what they got in the lake Lake French or whatever the fuck in New Orleans, but I'm like flaccid. This is this is first of all, you're you know me I'm an ocean guy. Yes spiritual. It heals. I've always been ocean guy. I hate lakes I never spent any time in a lake my whole life never a lake family always an ocean family sure I Love the ocean. I love the ocean of the motion the salt the sea the sharks the whole thing the waves

Never been a lake. I always felt like you do creeped out by lakes, but this lake Lake George Crystal clear. I mean, it's sand. It's soft sand and the fish They're not even afraid of humans. They come right up They kiss your little your tits and your in your toes Bobby Kelly caught seven fish out here What with his mouth? Hey pull the full wet bear There's just fish everywhere. They swim right up to you. They kiss your nuts It's just unbelievable crystal clear and it's mountains Jerry. I go straight into the lake

I come out. I meditate and I think I need to move to the woods I think you do you you're full of life. You're fresh. You look rested. I can't believe it just The lake always seemed good You see the jet ski and the guy with the boat with the six pack But I don't know I've swam in some lakes and there's some foliage that hits here on the taint and it wiggles and I don't know Maybe maybe I was at the wrong lake, but can we get another swivel to see that thing one more time? You gotta come up to you Gotta come up to Lake joy. I don't know if you can see out there

It's hard to see because the way I'm placed. Let me try to move the computer Oh, I mean 38 windows that that tables the size of my dad's ass. I mean, this is huge I should be careful because someone's gonna show up my house tomorrow because I forget I'm still gonna be here when this comes out Because it's a pretty definitive house. I got the best house in town. You got that right I mean you got the best house in mass, but folks We're sorry about the zoom by the way, but the man is a movie star So we got to make it work and we don't want to skip a week and also you get to see the goods You got eight pounds of Tupperware behind you. I know well

We finally had the cleaner come over yesterday because every night. I mean literally everyone comes over I got 20 people here every night, which is my dream. It's my dream Jerry. I got a whole family. It's I created a fictional family Yes based on my family and then they became a real family. I mean there's layers here It's layers upon layers and every night. They're over here I got this big long wooden table with the lake on it best table I've ever seen And then we have like this round table and there's a lot of comics in the cast and where telling old stories Nick Topolo is here

Whatever you feel about his politics his views his things I mean sure he says some nutty things and people whatever There's nobody in the history of the planet that is funnier than this human being. I mean Before it's like a disorder. He can't not it's like a reflex these just come out It's it's you can't even believe how funny the person is. I'm on the floor laughing literally rolling around like deaf comedy jam and Chris Walsh is here one of my oldest friends one of my best friends and then there's just a bunch of new people I met and Tony V and we're just telling all these old stories and we never run out That's what makes me realize we have lived this rich full comedic life We have not told a story a second time

12 days every night all night. Remember this guy What about that bit and then we're all just telling each other other people's bits It's just howling laughing like what a great bit and and Nick has this wheezy laugh and we're just having the best time in my life I don't want to leave we wrapped most of the cast yesterday I have one more day and everyone's hanging out for two more days, but when I leave here I'm just gonna be a puddle. Yeah, well so many so many things I got to bring up one isn't it fascinating to think about three months ago or two months ago and you were You were freaking out you're pulling your hair out over this movie

You're like, what am I gonna do you threw your hat on the ground you jumped on it You're like, this is gonna be a nightmare. It's so much work. It's so much stress and anxiety and now you're you're in heaven Literally look at this with the lake you're Robert Lake. I've been hog heaven. Well, that's the thing is you know, we had We shot the first week and then day two is all this COVID protocols by the way the COVID our COVID guys are fan Which is exciting. Hey, we've been up nice guy. So There's all this COVID fear because if it's something it's sick the movie shut down We're a low-budget movie with a small window to shoot because we got other stuff going on It's supposed to be summer and it once if you lose the summer then the movie looks stupid

You got to paint the leaves we don't have the money for that so Maybe I told the story already day two of Filming I was exact 12-hour days all day. I'm in every scene. I got multiple jobs on the movie So I'm heading back to the hotel because we're using my apartment as a location, which is insane. I text Sarah and I go Whoo, I am gassed. I'm done. I'm finally coming home. We're gonna snuggle. We're gonna fuck We're gonna kiss on the twat. Can't wait to see you. She texts back The guy I was with in Chicago on Sunday just tested positive

This is two days into filming and I was like, oh my god What how long did she's like we hung out for three hours and we hugged and I blew them So I'm like, oh my god. We're fucked and it just like right away I was like and I tried to be a zen about it. I went well. I got to live my dream for two days It's gonna get shut down big whoop, but Sarah being a good person. She wore her mask inside. She made sure we got a table outside They were like we have tables available inside and she was like, well, wait. Well, we want something outside Yeah, so she never got sick fortunately and then

We had to move up to upstate to shoot up here and the hurricane came the first hurricane and then the second hurricane I was like, no one's gonna be able to make it. Someone's gonna test positive for COVID Nobody has we're at the end not one positive test the entire time and wow It's like anything else. You come out the back end and you're like, whoo What a time it's just been a beautiful spiritual experience and I gotta tell you buddy Please I think we made a great movie. I think we've got a great movie I hope so because I wouldn't want you critiquing it. We've all seen how that goes. Don't show it to run on I Won't I don't even want run and to see it. I wouldn't let him read the script

But there's these moments you have that thought of like and the winner is Joe less You know when they get up they button the one button and they they they act all stoic and they shake hands with their mom or whatever Yes, but then I have that and then I'm in the shower I just see that little green splatter with like a seven percent next to it That's terrifying Yeah, that's the new Oscar because I feel like the Oscars are almost kind of fizzled out with that We can't have a host anymore and you know, it's all zoomed up and digital. So

The Ron Tomatoes thing is a little more realistic. Yeah, well like this casted crew. I don't think we're gonna be getting any Oscar nom Damn it so funny was on the way at one point now He's not but isn't it fascinating to like you love this crew you get your bond with the crew It's boot camp you're all together every night having beers telling stories and then when the movie ends Just kind of go all right like I was blown away when Seinfeld ended and they didn't all hang out every day I thought they all got lunch and you know, he called her Elaine I thought they got each other in a headlock and a noogie and then a credit card swipe Yeah, it's it's weird and then well, it's kind of like my wedding you might recall

After my wedding I saw for like 10 hours. I had to call Alan every 10 minutes on the hour or whatever That didn't make sense but because you're like that group will never be together again that Celebratory to have all those people to have Nick Griffin and my aunt Donna both dancing on the same dance floor and This is like this now. I'm like I can never come back to Lake George and you want to have a reunion But I'm like, let's have a reunion next week. Come on. Let's get all this together. It's just such a great bonding experience plus you're like acting and getting into these emotions and feelings and and the craziest part is You know, Louie and I we wrote it together

So we're like we were pushing each other in the bushes and you're like, maybe he'll say that and he says that yeah, that's good And then you're sitting here Watching people act it out better than you expected even and they bring their own thing to it It's just powerful and I don't know how I'm gonna go back to telling dick jokes at helium in Philadelphia You'll get it back. You know, it's in your bones fatty. It's in there It's it feels far away, but it's coming back and can I ask a maybe a due date idea Is it like a Puerto Rican kid? Are we never gonna know when it's coming out? What are we talking here?

Well, that's I think nine months if we don't abort it, which I think is illegal now. I'm only I'm not watching the news I just get little snippets here and there. It seems like a lot of horrible shit's happening. Texas shit the bed They they Snip the tip on the old abortion. I think it's like six weeks in the whole thing's crazy I think they're making a big push to get out the the blues get get out of here. This is our state dickless Interesting that's my theory. I can't I can't I'm not watching any that's the other thing. I'm so happy I'm not looking at any news no Twitter. No nothing. It's just I'm just living and swimming out here, but anyways I don't know. I don't know how it works

We're editing it as we shoot But there's a lot of post-op and everything and you got to add the sound and the music the sound of music The hills are alive. So I'm not sure but it's a movie about summer. So I'm thinking next Late spring into the summer kind of make it be a summer hit possible. Yeah Isn't that weird too, you're like, oh, it'll come out next year you're like next year that'll never happen and then boom It's here before you know it. Well, that's the weird thing about this is my whole life has been What are we gonna do this? We got to cast this person. We're gonna stay there where she stay We're gonna get a drone. What kind of camera who's directing blah blah blah and now it's all past. It's all over

It's just never come back. It's all about the niblets. You know, if you look at everything a movie a build a house It's such a huge. What's the word not burden, but it's it. It's a huge feat But if you just nibble away eventually you'll eat that pussy. Yeah, exactly. I dated a girl with huge feet and I got a mug here. That's from the house Journey the journey is the reward That you pipe and blow me you just relapsed look at that Man, that's I read all these self-help shit because I'm such a queef But one of them that was a great little nugget. It said don't have goals

Have a system Meaning don't just say hey, I'm gonna get an HBO special. That's my goal No, go. I'm gonna write every day for an hour and then it'll probably come quicker than if you you know Just say that's my goal. I read a book. That's if you want to come quicker stick a thumb in your ass Hello folks. Now, they're wrong with that. That's a lot. That's a short book. You like these glasses because they're movie glasses They're not even notice. Oh Yeah, they're a little big. I think they're a little big. Yeah, it's quite big. Yeah, those are ladies glasses You got lady frames

Liz Claybourne Now they look all right, I think I like the old ones more, but I didn't even notice so that's a good sign I'm going back to those Gloria Vanderbilt collection. There it is. That's what it was Gloria Vanderbilt collection You were eating four of these a day and chase chasing it down with a you who That's what I by the way, I've gained about 25 pounds and I appear shirtless in the movie Which is the last thing we shot I've been eating boxes of yodels because I stressy because you're you're shooting all day

You don't know what you're gonna eat or how are you gonna eat or whatever? So you come home and you know what that feeling you just want to reward yourself. I don't drink I don't blow any people so I've just been eating yodels and by the way, Tony V Brilliant comic who appeared on Seinfeld clicky. Yeah, the salesman. Oh So funny just a great guy, but he's a big cigar guy. He smokes a couple of days. So when you're I'm a cigar smoker I usually smoke like Maybe 20 a year. Maybe okay. That's that's if I'm in Key West or Aruba and I have a deck and it's warm out But he smokes two three a day. So if he's there, he just goes you want a cigar? I go. Yeah, what the fuck?

So I'm smoking I've smoked about 85 cigars. I've eaten seven boxes of yodels Nothing but pizza chicken parm burgers. I mean, I am fat. I'm a fat person. Wow. What is a yodel? I hear yodel all the time. I know it's a fat blonde lady with a big horn But what the hell is it in a cookie shape? I think they're all I'm out of them right now It's like a yodel. It's it is shit. No, wait, that's not how you do it. Yeah, it looks like a little black shit Like a little like it's like a tube with cream and cake it like a devil dog Is it swirly in the middle? It's swirl in the middle It's a little black dick that you bite into and then come comes out of it. Oh, boy

That sounds like my fantasy. That's I think we call that a Swiss roll where I'm back where I'm from It's similar to a Swiss roll, but this it's not like it's a local thing. It's a it's a drakes There's there's drakes in this little Debbie. I think that's little Debbie. Yes fat Debbie. That's my aunt and then This is Drake's Yeah, I'm a little I don't know Drake was out of my world. I'm I'm homophobic. I go with the little girl That's fair. That's called a pedophile, but they're they're really fun and I'm just eating packs and packs of those I'm fat and so good. It's gross. I just it's but I don't know. I'm all choked up and Filled the jizz good for you though. You're living life. You're doing crazy shit. You're doing something you've never done before

which is a scary Excursion and you just dove into the lake with your fat ass head first and I Think it's a great move. I think it's gonna be very exciting. I can't wait to watch Yeah, I think you're gonna like it. I hope you like it. It's very funny But maybe people hate it and I might suck them in every scene I keep going and being like am I alright and everyone's like no, no, it's fine So that's the fear is like the movies great. They should have cast somebody which was my idea I was like we got to get an actor and

But whatever we'll see how it comes out, but I think it's the cast is just unbelievable and so fun and so funny and there's Just I love every single cast member so much. I just I love them It'd be tough to cast you though because then you that it always goes a hotter guy is you and then you're like Well, the mouth is too big the the teeth. They're perfect the you know There's less fat on them the forehead is normal. Yeah, it wouldn't work. You need you Yeah, no, I know I know I was thinking shalamet Timothy shalamet. Can't you see it? You gotta get some some twink glasses, baby cut the hair on the sides. Yeah, that's something

Jacked his teeth up or whatever, but I played myself. I guess I think I did okay though I had some fun moments got some emotion out. It's really great. I mean this cast is killer I mean, there's one of them. There's a woman in the movie that is kind of my my my bud in the movie And this woman's gonna be a movie star. I'm calling it. I'm telling you right now. I'm talking Julia Roberts Denzel Washington a movie star. I'm calling it. It's here And I'm gonna claim all her success when it happens that can only help you fatty. I mean if she blows up They're gonna go back. What else is she done? Let's see the catalog and then you're in oh, she's blowing up

I mean just a real beauty with amazing skills Everybody was so everybody was so much better than we we knew they would be good But they were like 10 times better than we thought and we improvised and depolo and chris walsh like an improv team Amazing and they're like they fight in character. It's I think people are gonna really love it Man, oh, this is so fun. I feel like I've always watched movies And I've never really been in on the behind the scenes on the ground floors. This is exciting I I p8 on a few movies production assistant horrible job, but that craft service is there. Do you guys have that? That's why i'm fat. I mean i'm eating cookies. I'm shoving tea up my ass yodels cookies and and then i'm the star of the movies

So they're like hey, he likes cookies so bring in some good. Look, I gotta show you I got about seven boxes of cookies over here. Let me find out you look like a podhead on christmas Like you gotta bring me some of those. I'm dying here I had the cleaner over. I don't know where anything is now Hate the cleaner But anyways, yeah, there's tons of tons of food, but I should I should move on I'll talk more about it as it comes but when it comes out Then I'll have some stories because we want to keep a little bit of uh

A secrecy whatever and then once you will see it then you can go in this scene This was happening and that scene that was happening, but wait. Do you see these actors? I mean you're gonna be blown away I can't wait fatty. I'm all over it. I've got got the popcorn ready. I'm pumped Oh, man, it's unbelievable these people that play the parents. They're like they're real pros and Unbelievable mind-blowing the guy that plays my dad. You're gonna cry. You'll cry No, I'm dead inside, but we'll see we'll see I'm telling you you'll cry. All right. All right. I got uh, I got so much here. I don't know where to begin I I've got loads. I'm gonna put on your back here. I know we haven't recorded in seven weeks

So I imagine there's a lot happening here Lot has happened. Uh, let me just start with this and then we'll we'll get to the uh, you know, what's but I got the car back So it was being fixed in jersey by my guy and uh They're the best in the biz he put new seats new stereo new lights Uh fixed the suspension stiffened it up new wheels new rims They went under that bitch, you know hosed out all the schmagma and period blood and everything and

Spit shined it fixed all the cranks the window this pedometer. I mean they fine-tuned this nazi I can't wait Yeah, so the whole thing took a year and this party where you're like, oh god It's kind of nice not having to park that fucking thing every day and it's it's nice knowing it's being worked on but Every day it's there that ticks up in price. Don't forget that Sure. I mean a year to fix a car. You might as well, uh build a new car I know I know it's got such good bones though. You want those bones? Love a bone. I got a ton of bones

John bones jones so But the guy's like I can't give it to you without plates. I need plates because he's like You're coming to the stress factory a new brunswick The the shop is in jersey I will bring it to you But I need to pick up plates because i'm not gonna be i'm not you I'm not gonna go drive this classic car around with no plates and no registration. You come guzzling quiff. I said, ah, it's fair Very fair, so

I had to go to the dmv But it was such a busy week with all this stuff and gigs and everything I had to knock this dmv out in two days I had two days to get plates So I go to the dmv And they say hey, you got to have this printed out and you got to make an appointment now because of covid It's a whole different world out there. Oh boy So I go all right. Well, I guess I'll come back tomorrow So now that's one whole day shocked because you try to make an appointment right there and they won't they're all taken up

So I make an appointment the next day and then I go wait a minute I I got the appointment at 11. I got a pot at one. I got to knock this whole thing out. So then I Text sallacuse I got to print this thing out for the dmv. Can you print it out because I don't have a printer He says yeah, so I'd high tail it up to sallacuse's house Grab the print out fill it out in an uber on the way to the dmv I make it on time get out of the uber run in there with all my paperwork The guy goes you got your reservation. I said you better believe it. He goes. Let me see it on your phone

Left the phone in the uber Come on with the leave in the phone. I know Nightmare nightmare fatty. So I ran outside like maybe I can catch him as he's a little red light He's gone the pap the dmv papers are blowing in the wind. I'm running down 8th avenue. He's gone. It's a Toyota Camry It's black. He's got a turban on he blends right in Oh my god So now I got no plates and no phone That's the worst like we were talking about earlier. You got to have a phone

You got to have it. I'm missing calls people like where are you? I'm getting emails like hey, I'm trying to find you You coming here. What's the deal you on a show tonight? I was like, ah I'm carrying my iPad around like a fat kid in the 90s. I'm like I got this big iPad all over the place I'm bringing it everywhere. I look like a weirdo Oh, that sucks. I hate the iPad That no phone is just brutal Like I said, if you can choose to not be on it But you have it because when someone reaches out and you just feel completely out of touch and you need 911 and uh,

You know all that shit google maps your email Podcast walking around without a podcast or music playing you feel like a hobo I know no flashlight and also I can't find my AirPods right now Bobby Kelly was my roommate I think he took them and I'm already sitting here talking to you currently and my mind is half on AirPods. I'm like, what am I going to do walk around and not listen to music Exactly. Then you put your old headphones in you're like, well, this is weird But these headphones don't match the phone and they got us by the

Cajones I know and I can't even talk on the phone like this like an asshole. I need that the thing I need my hands. I got a jerk off while I'm talking to my mom need the hands mom jerk. I get it so I have a show that night with the no phone and it's pouring it's ita baby ita came from down low and hit up top It went from the dick to the nips now. It's up in new york I know I and everyone talked with the hurricane before and on re or henry. What are the fuck some french bitch Nothing happened

And then now ita no one even talks about up here. Anyways, and then it crushes us Exactly crushed the whole city's had ruined the cellar flooded I mean everybody the 14 people died in new york over this shit Crazy and new jersey had the most deaths of any state I didn't know that well this city is not built for floods. It's not ready for the squirter and uh So i'm out here in the in the wood the flood with no phone I have a show on wall street, which as you know living in manhattan or living in new york wall street It's it's weird down there at night. No one goes there. It's all shut down. It's dark. It's eerie

Very strange place. Yes Yeah, so I show up to wall street and it's one of those addresses. I used to deliver pizza It's one of those dresses where you're like 92 pearl street now. I'm all off phone. I got no phone So i'm i'm looking at maps on the wall. I'm trying to put it all together. I'm asking people Hey, where's pearl street people are like, uh, you know, it's pouring rain. I'm soaking wet. I got the ipad now I go up and i'm looking over 92 pearl street. I got 88 90

94 Oh, I hate these addresses. Don't you hate that? That's the bane of my twat. I fucking want to kill myself I never know it. Sometimes it's not even like that. Sometimes it'll be like 57 59 308 And you're like, what the fuck is this? What did they used to be 175 houses in between these two houses? I know we got some special needs twink doing the doing the numbers out here because it's all tops These mailmen should get blown to get blow them in sleet and snow and rain blow them Or they get they get big calves and occasionally they murder people

But so those are some benefits But I agree all these these people are out there working for a living by the way recording this on labor day So high five to the unions and the workers. I think that's what labor day is about or something. I don't think Who cares pregnancy? but yeah, uh, so I go up I go into a restaurant and this is where it gets quirky. It felt like after hours the movie I go into a restaurant. I go, hey, do you guys know where 92 pearl street is and the lady goes Are you mark norman? I'm a huge Tuesday. I'm a fan. Oh my god, and I'm soaking wet. I look like a wet cat

I'm shivering. I got a broken umbrella. I look like ben franklin and she's like, uh, oh my god Let's get a photo. So I take a wet photo with her. That was fun. And she's like never heard of it. We're 88 pearl street I don't know anything about 92. Why don't you google it? You go, ah So then she looks it up. She's like, I don't I don't see it anywhere. I don't know what to tell you I'm like, fuck So I leave there. You're back out in the rain the wind Pushing the umbrella all over the place and eventually I pop into a cava. What do you know about cava? I see cava. It's yellow and black writing or something like that. Yes. It's kind of like a way jack

It's like chipotle, but with healthy shit. I think no, it's chipotle, but I think it's middle eastern. Oh, it's like Oh, yeah, I went there. Is it Mediterranean or middle east? I can't tell one of the places they hate women All right. Well, that's most of the planet, but whatever Uh, cava. Yeah, I've had cava doesn't cava mean cow. That's vodka vodka Vodka is cow cava is food Is that what uh, anthony hopkins with a little cava bean?

That's fava bean. Oh, that's fava. Shit. That's just a kind of bee the father of the bride And a hell of a football player that bred fava But yeah, so I go into cava and I'm on edge. I I'm soaking wet like a wet cat I I got no phone. I'm just sitting there with the ipad the ipad broke because the water got in there fatty Oh The ipad it's a that thing is Piece of junk. It's it's the it's the worst thing ever. It's the opposite of a vagina. It doesn't get wet And so I go up to the guy. I'm like give me this give me that

And I was in such a zing and zang and moment. You're never funnier than when you're annoyed Yeah, I suppose so annoying. It's funny. Yeah, you just you just you don't care You're you're zing and you're zing you the the anger is fueling you and I was killing with the uh the staff Got a free bowl Oh, wow a free cava free cove so uh

I got the free bowl. So that was something, you know, I'm I'm in miserable So I did something I never do I go home and I email the guy like hey, man. I looked I'm soaked. I tried I uh, I went to cava. I asked everybody I asked the restaurant. They said no dice and I went home And he was like, oh, you missed out. It was the best show ever, but you know that whole thing I was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really tried and then I went to the cellar and it flooded and uh Hung out with wilsel vince the whole night and had a good time Love will I got some more questions, but we got to throw in some some words from our sponsors here uh folks

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slash Tuesdays So let me ask what happened with the address. Was it the wrong address or is it one of these it's in a building but upstairs What has a different address? You got it in a building Upstairs it was a bar and he's he never told me the name of the bar. He just said 92 pearls So I was looking all over and I was I walked by it like eight times and it was upstairs and Ever no one knows it is that address. They just know it is the bar name. So

It was it was a combo of no phone No bar name reigning Gay all this stuff That's tough But isn't there that fun moment just that one moment where you you you get to the other side of that and you go All right, I'm giving up. I'm going home that moment where you're like this. I'm going home. You kind of feel good You're like great. I don't have to do anything. I'm going That's true. I felt guilty. But yeah, that is there for sure when you have that like I'm out that that kind of a blackjack

You know, you're done and you're like, all right, at least I have no money, but I feel kind of clean I feel so weird. I haven't done a set in a month. I got a and I'm doing helium next week the 23rd to the 25th So I got to get some sets in and I hadn't put in avails or anything in in weeks So I'm going to have to hit up some bar shows and some guest spots and shit because I forgot how to do comedy But the nice thing because of coveted you remember you're like, well, I went seven months without doing comedy Whatever the fuck it was so You can make the comeback

All right, all right, so The car guy's like, hey, you got to give me those plates. Uh, so now I got one more chance to pull this off Now this is some real you know, uh Magician grand wizard type shit I pull here Luckily I tracked the lift guy down. We get the phone back. He brings it home. I give him like $800. I feel so guilty He brought it back two days later long two days by the way, but he brought it back to the house I just threw my wallet out of my I ate his ass. It was a whole thing

So nice guy so I go to the dmv again. I make a reservation. I'm doing everything on the up and up They don't fuck around at the dmv. You can't sweet talk. You can't grift. You can't grease the guy nothing So you got to do everything right a lot of red tape whatever that means Yes, red gape and I tell you I like a little schmooze. I like a little elbow rub. I like a little back door It's all out the window at the dmv. They give you nothing. They stonewall you Well, it's one of those things where it's the chicken and the egg but everybody mutually hates the other people hate the dmv employees

But the dmv employees are dealing with the fucking assholes that I go to the dmv going. Where's my license? You go You need the paperwork. Well, I'm not an asshole. That's the paperwork you need. You don't have it I'm empathetic and I'm and I got to tell you everybody should go to the dmv once a year because boy It's the great leveler. You're just sitting here next to a fat Asian guy, then you got the pregnant Puerto Rican lady the rabbi the wheelchair guy and you're all even they don't care If you got a netflix a podcast a gold medal you could be Simone Biles in there You're not getting anything without that paperwork. There's no hookups No hook

So I go back and go hey look who got my phone back and he goes hey good for you You got the reservation. I go there it is. He goes up You got the address wrong. That's a different dmv. I go You gotta be kidding me So I high I jump on the train. I go to the different address and they go I finally wait in line. I do the whole thing and they go. Oh, what do you want to do today? I say I want plates and they go on the internet when you signed up you put You want a new license and I was like, well, they didn't have the plates option. They're like, we don't do plates here and I'm like

So what do I do and they go I go plates Huh, where do they do the plates? There's a different. This is a license only dmv That's the goddamn city of notches. They queef right on your salad So I go, what do I do? I have to leave town. They go well Uh, you can come back tomorrow. I go it's friday. There is no tomorrow. There's no dmv on saturday Well, they go we'll come back monday. I go money's a holiday and I go jesus christ So they go here's the thing and this lady was actually had some humanity and there's some decency. She writes a little scribble Gives it to me. She goes go there right now and I'll make a phone call. I was like, oh

Head back down. It's rare. You get a good. Here's the thing. I know. I know she felt bad. She's like, I know it's crazy We don't do plates. It's a whole thing. So she gives me this this this office. It's downtown. There's another dmv In battery park who knew? Not too far from 92 pearl. You got that right sloppy jalopy So I jump in there. I take my ticket like a deli queef. I sit there. I wait. I wait. I look around I judge people. He's got a club foot. He's handicapped. He's on a rascal He should eat better and then they call my name. I go. I got all the paperwork. Here you go I have a manila folder. I was so prepared. I was nice. I had a bow tie on

And she goes this all looks good. Okay, huh? Oh, you forgot that. Oops. Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, okay You forgot to fill that up up up up Knocked it all out. She goes you have proof insurance and I go you better believe it cunt. I pull out my geico print out She goes great. Beep beep beep beep. Oh, it's expired What? My insurance was expired. I got it a year ago I hate things that expire. I don't know. I already talked about this, but I got health insurance I thought I had autopay everything's autopay. Yes health insurance for one month. They're like, hey, you didn't pay

You're out. So I don't have health insurance anymore. I'm like, I thought it was autopay You took my credit card. Give me the autopay take my money I don't want to sign up every month to send a check. What is this? 1998 I know exactly god and they the worst part is they kind of like it. They go up You almost had it there dick cheese kill yourself. You're out and then they go next and you're like, ah, it's like the soup nazi Oh, I hate so I go hold on. I have my insurance on my phone. I have the app Let me just update it and she was like, okay move to the side. Good luck loser and I was like, all right Update it. It won't load. It won't load. I update it finally. I get it

Set the new thing. It's like a thousand dollars. Fuck it. Pay it and I go. Hey lady. I got it She goes Yeah, you updated it, but it doesn't clock in till tomorrow So I was like, ah, it's like a clocks over at midnight. So I call the guy. I wait online. I call the guy You know the whole music I go. Hey, man, I have insurance. I just got to get you to change the date And he goes, all right, I'll do it change the date got the plates. Oh, oh Change the date. I run back to the lady. She's gone. It says out to lunch. She took a lunch break So I go, ah

I got it all knocked out. What's that? Isn't that your album or your corporation or something? Oh, yeah, that's my uh, that's my special youtube 7 million views check it out and uh, so this guy goes Dreadlocks, he's like two windows down. He goes, are you mark norman? I go. Yeah. He goes. Oh my god. I'm a Tuesday I'm a fan out to lunch. What do you need? I go I'm like this close to getting plates. I got all the paperwork. She went to lunch. She's a fat whore. What are we doing here? He goes, come on. He goes Took like four seconds. He gave me two license plates. I got out the door. Whoa. So there is hookups

There is a hookup at the time. I guess I guess they they got to know you personally Wow unbelievable. I can't believe all these fans that are in all these places I know. I know we got big we got big fans of the uh, the the the workforce Yeah, good to know. Well, happy labor day fans and gays Hell yeah, so I got the plates and it was the clock was ticking I was like, I'm getting picked up at three to go to jersey because you know that tunnel clogs up like a gays asshole And I uh jump in his car. I went right from the plates to the car to the tunnel brought uh

Eric Scott and Liz uh, Isabel Hagen and we had a great time at the stress factory. We sold some shirts And uh, just a hoot in a holler Fuck yeah, I love the factory. Uh Sounds like a great time. I I'm so removed from comedy. I gotta get back in there. Uh, folks Speaking of removing things Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by lucy nicotine gum I was talking about it earlier. I'm smoking three packs of cigars a day packs They're not packs whatever three cigars a day and I'm just so grateful. They're not cigarettes Because cigarettes got a hold on you and by the way

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Yes Hell yeah How about this all right you got more i mean i'm i'm freezing this wi-fi sucks there you go you're back You're good you go Uh, well, I just want to throw this at you. Tell me anything about this so Me and eric scott He's driving his little uh a little car there and we're going through the tunnel now. It's friday It's tunnel traffic. So we're trying it. We can see the tunnel. We're just sitting bumper to bumper

And there's a cop. We're in the wrong lane. We got to go right. We're in the left lane and there's a cop doing this shit Come on and everybody's trying to inch to the right to get in the tunnel. He's like nope nope nope nope And he won't let you go. He'll like stand in front of your car The guy in front of us said fuck it and he just rammed it rammed it Gunned it got past the cop went in the tunnel interesting Very bold very ballsy and I said that guy just

Ran past the cop in his car the cop banged on the window as he was driving by and he got into the tunnel And the cop can't chase him because he's got a man in his post And he's on foot, right? And he's on foot. He's a tad overweight so I like the move I respect the move, but I just can't do stuff like that I'm you know me i'm a rule follower and just to have that guy mad at me for a second is more than I can handle Just a window bang, you know the story of dc when I was just fill in sarin the guy threw dog shit in my car

I still think about it. There's nothing created the window knocked this shit That is so in true. You're like, oh god, it's real now. You know, you just feel them right there It's uh getting yelled at is one thing when you hear that That's a whole other world So I'm sitting at the red light with it with eric scott. I go. Hey man We got to do that. We're already kind of crunched for time and he was like, uh, all right. All right The light turns green and he just goes and he cuts past the guy the guy's banging on the window

And we get past him And then we just hit dead traffic and the guy starts walking up to the car And I go, oh, we're fucked. He's gonna give us a ticket. I'll pay for the ticket. That was my call. Sorry about that And he goes pull over pull over and I go keep pulling up keep pulling up And he goes pull over now. He bangs on the car boo boo boo Pull over and he makes you pull over so you can't get into the tunnel after he's done giving you a ticket He he brings you out a little bit. Oh He's smart and overweight

but He goes roll the window down. He goes. What the fuck was that? I told you not to go and then you go your piece of shit Like you're gonna kill somebody. I'm a cop. I told you not to you do it with and and eric played it so well He's like I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I freaked out. I don't know and he kind of played dumb And the guy was like, I mean I should I could write you a ticket right now I could I could haul you to jail. I could do this or that. We're like, yes, we're sorry We're sorry and he goes get the hell out of here and we left Oh, that's nice. It's nice to get off. But just that anger just listening to a yell. I can't handle it

That gives all my blood flows and my dick gets hard and my asshole shits. I hate it It wasn't fun. It wasn't hagan was in the pasture seat. Just like She was a comatose but But we pulled it off and apparently there's another entrance like a block away. So we just went there But yeah, it was a wild ride I know a guy who bought a house right by that tunnel and they kept showing it during the day and There's no traffic and you don't realize then you buy a house for you know

50 bucks or 100 bucks or however much the house costs and then You don't realize it 4 p.m. You just hear For every day of the week for the rest of your life Oh, let's listen to traffic knock some off the price I don't think it works that way my friend But that's why I'm moving to lake george There you go lake whore. Hey, I used to hook up with a gal in brooklyn years ago who lived right on the train I remember going to her house like wow

It's like a neil simon play the train goes right past your window and then 20 minutes in I was like, huh Let's add the jays going by again. This sucks. So we ran a train, but it was uh, it wasn't pleasant j-train Uh, that's like sodar veccione for years. One of my favorite jokes blues brothers How often the train go by so often you won't even notice And it's just going by an impossible amount of times. That's a visual joke. I guess but Uh, that's fun. I mean, I can't wait to get back to work now It's all it takes is someone talking about comedy to be like, oh man I want to get in the car and drive to a gig and do some shows, but I feel so rusty

Yeah, well, I uh these guys in the car. I said fuck we got a two hour drive here. Let's do some bits We're bouncing bits Uh, two of them. I'm like that's gold and I did them that night and they're working So like we just had a great productive weekend. I had ice cream. I sold a bunch of shirts good times God, I gotta write jokes again. I hate it. It's so hard to write jokes. It's nice to take a break I've been like, oh, I'm doing a movie. I'm acting. I'm gay now But now I gotta go back into like, uh, is this funny? How about we will say this? This might be a bit

All right You're telling a story and they go, I'm listening and they start doing something but I'm like, you can't just call that you're listening You're not funny. I had that last night. I'm at a party like hold on. I'm listening and they're just walking around I'm like, you're in a different room. You're not listening Yeah, I'm I'm fucking you. I'm fucking you. What you're not even inside me I'm fucking you I always bring it back to that's funny I mean too every joke I have is a dick joke. I know I'm frozen up. Uh, it's very chilly here

Um, so I just gotta say this I'm getting a lot of emails about the hog. Where's the hog? The weather's beautiful. Why don't why don't I see on the hog? Is the hog dead? So the hog, I'm just gonna clear this up for the the gays at home The hog has been hiding in a garage in queens because I didn't want to pay the garage fee It's 250 bucks to store a bike in this town Oh red tape Yes, put that in your poper and and shit on it. But so I had this guy Vincent great guy good egg out in queens

He bought a new bike cover because the cover got fucked. He's such a great guy This bike's been through hurricanes snowstorms just sitting there in queens in a garage And I I I go. Hey, man. I'm sorry. I've been Slacking on this house the bike. I'll come get it. I feel bad. Let me give you some money whatever and he goes I'm not gonna lie to you. I've been driving at the whole time What they've been either riding around to work. He's he's cling cling and take it. Hey Cosmo That's bike rape Well, look I get it just sitting there. You know, it's like leaving a uh a gerbil at your house for two weeks

You're gonna put it up your ass eventually I mean so He's been riding the hog which I was happy about I was like good get some use out of that thing get get the motors running and he goes but I broke it Broke the bike Well, something I don't know if he broke it

But if the bike's old and the chain fell off and he's like I'm gonna go get the chain fixed So the chain he brought the bike to a shop. I said, I'll pay for it. You just bring it there I'll bring it home once it's done being fixed And uh, so the hog will be back soon. So now I got a hog and The beamer I got in jersey from my guy I drove that beamer back to new york at one of the morning from jersey was fucking exhilarating The beamer in the hog and is it driving better now? Does it feel secure?

I mean it is ship shape. I was fucking I felt bad. I stalled three times in front of isabel, which is so emasculating But I got the I was in third gear. I was in the wrong gear But I got the hang of it and I drove that puppy out of the stress factory after a sold-out show Got my check got into my beamer Pulled it out there. Did it did it did it did it got it on the highway went to the tunnel I'm going byways highways and gay ways and uh pulled it all right up to sixth avenue right out of my house Because he's my beamer

Yes My beamer.com It's such a cute little goat cart of a car and uh now I got in the garage and we drove to red hook last night We drove to the Bronx. We just had a little road trip because the car, you know, it's it's exciting It's fun to have a car I'm worried about my car because last night I after the rap party I had about seven cocktails and three cigars and it's a blow Yeah, and then uh, I'm pulling out of the gas station and the sidewalk is black

And the road is black and my asshole is black So I take a right And I just it was wet because it was rainy. So the sidewalk is like three inches higher than the road I thought I was pulling into the road But I pulled up onto the side like two wheels on the sidewalk two wheels on the road and just drove like On the curb Whoa, and it's so embarrassing because it's an open bar. So everybody's like shithouse. I'm like, I'm the sober guy I'm cool. I'll drive everybody. Yeah, nobody fret

I'm here old reliable uncle joe's here. And of course, you know, they're all shithouse and I'm like Just driving on the sidewalk my brand new used car And uh, I think everything's okay. It hasn't shit the bed or anything It's not leaking gas as far as I can tell the windshield wipers still work. So yeah, I feel like a chuch though Wow, man. Well, we're glad you're okay. That is uh, those those dirt roads out there in the woods. There's no lights It's kooky. Oh, it's why I mean, I am in the middle of nowhere here. It's a lot of uh It's like, oh, it's very horror movie up here. Yeah Well, uh god speed. We can't wait to see it

I gotta give you a ride in this beamer and we gotta get a photo shoot going of us and uh in the beamer and uh blowing each other Uh, it's such a little goofy car too. You see it on the street. You're like, look at this fucking retard over here just parked I Love retards, uh, but yeah, let's do it. I mean, I can't wait to get back. We gotta hang asap We gotta do some hot gay sets and some other bonuses. We apologize to the patreon folks. It's been a little uh It's it's been some time in between things as I've been up here shooting a goddamn film But I'm gonna give you a bunch of behind the scenes stuff and footage and photos soon We'll do a new hot gay sets. I think chuck quit, but uh, we'll do some other shit

There's a brand new bonus we recorded last week with some inside dope So get on there stay on there and uh, we'll be back in person next week. I'm coming home in a couple days I'll be a sobbing mess. It's gonna be fun Yeah, yeah, let's do it and uh, yeah, we'll get we'll get stuff cooking again. Chuck's moving to new york We'll be together. We'll be back in action. I feel like the pot has got some good momentum. We're rolling Telefriend I'll be in red rocks this week. So uh, hopefully any uh, coloradians are out there and Albany coming up this weekend and nashville and west palm beach and madison wisconsin, so let's Let's sell some tickets. Where are you going to be sloppy jalopy?

Well, I'm in helium september 23rd to the 25th in philadelphia Please get tickets get tickets soon. It's next week for god's sakes or whatever the week after now I don't know when the fuck it is and uh, then I'll be at royal oak Comedy castle september 30th october 1st and 2nd and a bunch of other fund dates november helium portland november 11 to the 13th Portland helium portland or again. I can't wait to be back in the pacific northwest. So get tickets to that and uh, subscribe to my youtube And uh, be kind to one another and get excited about this film that'll be out sometime in 2021 You got a title or is that That's on the dl right now. We're working it

Baby, all right. All right. No pressure, but uh, we're all pumped. I'm gay and I can't wait to get you back in the city I feel like you're a million miles away I know I can't wait. I'll be back in two days and like I said, I'll be a big mess But I haven't seen my wife in a month and I haven't seen you in two weeks. So I'm excited to be back Hell yeah, well, you're a movie star and I'm a little intimidated, but We'll get it back. We'll get it back. That's fair Yeah, I'm moving to la. All right. That was fun. Thank you shelby. Thank you everybody. Thanks for listening. Georgia st. Cut it When

You