Tuesdays with Stories! - #418 Brown Eye Nazi

Episode Date: September 14, 2021

Heyo Tuesgays, it's a rip roarin' ep as Joe's big movie wrap doesn't go quite as planned before he doubles up on major sporting events while Mark heads to Red Rocks with Bert Kreischer and takes some substances and a Jimmy Buffett concert. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: MyBookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays), Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), & Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Uh oh, heads up. Get the fuck... Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Let's go, let's start.

We gotta go. Oh, Chuck D. was nine and a half hours late, so all fucked. I'm gonna miss out on the whole thing. Traffic. Remember that old Ellen joke? It's all right, I'm late, traffic. How do you think I got here? Chop her in?

Oh, that's fun. That's an old lesbian. I love the one. I think about it all the time. She had the bit about when someone's talking and they accidentally spit, and then you feel self-conscious about wiping it off your face. That's great. As though you're gonna wipe it, and the person's gonna be like this, why don't you want my

spit on you? Yes, yes. Great bit. Wish it was mine. She had a couple before she pissed everybody off and became a huge cooze. Oh yeah, evidently she's mean or whatever. Who cares, whatever. Yeah, somebody had the funny point of the next show after she got canceled or yelled at

or whatever, she should have come out and be like, kicked the door in like, fuck you, you fat skank, blow me dickless, look at this hobo, let's start the show. It's funny, if you have to just be an asshole, if you're just like, I'm an asshole, people are fine. It's when you pretend to be nice and are an asshole, that's the issue. That's exactly right, the Lance Bass theory. We all know you're gay, you're in the Backstreet Boys or whatever the hell, 98 degrees of separation. Just blow people.

Kevin Bacon. But he pretended he wasn't gay, then he came out one day and we all went, we know. Well now people get upset if you're in the closet. Yo. That's like, that's that shitty. People are mad at you. Are they? Well, you gotta come out.

All right, I come out. I say I'm gay all the time. It's true, we've confessed and no one buys it. Yeah, they're not buying it, but gay also means happy. I feel like it's, it's, it's transitioned. Well, you have a gay old time. Yeah, you listen to some old Christmas carols and you're like, man, they're all blowing each other.

It's like Kramer, you couldn't do it now when he says, that's queer. I feel like queer, you can't, that word doesn't mean strange anymore. Yeah, queer is strange and it's amazing how much has changed and you know, progress is good. We like black people. I love progress. Progress is his middle name, Mayor Goldie Wilson. But queer, saying you're queer now is like, oh, good, good on you.

This guy's queer. Like it makes you cooler. Interesting. I still don't 100% know what queer means. I think I got it. In the LGBTQ. Queer means you're straight, you're bi, but you'll fuck trans people. Is that right?

No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think it means you're anything but straight. Anything but straight is queer. Good movie. I think Clint Eastwood. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Well, whatever it is, it's all fun. It's all great. It's all gravy. It's all jizz. But there's the Seinfeld where they're talking about the, the radar stops working and Kramer goes, well that's queer. That's right. Now people would be like, what does that even mean?

The radar's bi. But any jizz, it's good to be back. This is our first in-person episode in weeks, Jerry. Yeah, I know. A month. We, you've been, you've been in Universal Studios and Hollywood and the whole thing, Cannes Film Festival. So we had to come back to the roots, to the lunch stuff stewed.

We got big fat gay chuck. No block. And we're working it out. We're back. We had to do a zoom. I feel horrible about the zoom, but here we are. By the way, one guy hated the zoom, but nobody else seemed to be upset. No.

It's just, it's all in my head. Am I got a bad head? One guy said it's stunk. I don't know. Maybe it's my fault. I'm a little Hollywood now. I'm a, I'm a filmmaker now. So I don't think I'm, I'm not going to care for this off color humor of yours.

Yeah. I know, right? You're going to start censoring me. Just a heads up and, uh, you know, and how's the cinematography looking here, Chuck? If you need me to take a look at anything, I'm a certified film filmmaker now. So fucking Rose McGowan. He's up there. Oscars.

You need any cans. You got some gaffes. You got a couple of us. I ran out of terms. What do you got there? Checking the gate. Yeah. They still check the gate, but there's no gate.

I don't completely understand it. Gated community. I don't know either, but man, I, when I worked on movies, it was, it's very military. I don't know about your shoot. You probably had a more laid back shoot with some weed and hippy stuff, but we were like hierarchy. Uh, you had the little lapel things or check it. Lock it up.

Remember that one? Lock it up. Lock it up as big. Yeah. Lock it up. Quiet on the set. Everybody. And then we had, we had one guy.

He was a badass, Richie. He was fun. He was like, raise your hand if you're not ready. He's like, do better. He was really shouting at everybody. I loved him. I wanted to blow him a couple of times. There's always a Richie.

But it's a, oh Jesus Christ. The cat just hung itself. Oh God. Well, he got canceled. But, um, yeah, it's all very, very exciting. A lot of, a lot of fun jizz. It's hard to get back here because, you know, it's, I've been out in the woods and the lake hiking and then I came back and for five days, I had nothing to do.

So I've just been watching sports, jerking off, blowing my dad, going for walks. And now it's like the first day back at school. We got the podcast. We're going to record some music for the movie. I'm back at the cellar tonight. I haven't been on stage in a month. Wow. And, you know, Chuck was late and, you know, it's all, it's, it's all very exciting.

It's good to see you. Well, it's good to get back in. But the weird thing is you're back in, in Cuckoo Land. You were living pretty normally and you were healthier. You look great. You're fucking glowing there. I think you're pregnant or you're queer or you're, you're cooking. I'm fat.

I'm a fat person. You're healthy. I'm trying to sit in a way with a baggy shirt here, but here's the thing. So we went up grocery shopping. You know, when you go on a trip, you go grocery shopping them. I'm going to be good. I brought my blender. I got spinach, blueberry, almond milk.

You brought the blend of the grocery? No, to the upstate. Oh, I see. So I was making smoothies. I bought some apples. You know, when you're at the grocery, you're like, I'm going to eat apples. Sure. I'm going to be an apple guy.

Yes. So I got the apple, but then I walked by the yodel aisle. Ah, yodeling. I got to get a couple of yodels. I get the yodels, but now I'm back. I got to rehabilitate. I'm like, I got to get back to normal. Now Chris Walsh, my screen partner, dear friend of 20 years.

Look at the terms he's using. And my, my acting mate, my bud. I mean, I've known the guy 20 years. That says being one of my good pals who's in the film. He kicks ass. Hmm. He says I got a little token for your appreciation. I get a doorbell buzzy.

Oh, by the way, we've been doing this podcast a lot. I never get any doorbells from you. Doorbells never rang with a package going, I just want to say thanks for jizzing in my ass. Oh, like an edible arrangement or a bouquet of roses. I'm swimming in gifts over here. Really? I got a bouquet of balloons.

Chris Walsh sent me 20 boxes of yodels. I opened it up. What? I thought it was like from a sponsor or something. I thought it was my bookie sending us some cleats or whatever. This is what people, comics don't do the, the yodel. That's why I'm an actor now. I'm out of comedy.

Ah, that makes sense. Yeah. There's all kinds of gifts. These actors are dead inside. They got to give gifts. My gift is friendship. No comedians. I don't want friendship.

I want yodels and balloons. Come on. I'll bloatle you. I got a million friends. I got no yodels. Damn. So he sends me a box and I thought it was going to be, like I said, you know, some, my bookie pants or whatever,

or some hairstyle, whatever the fuck. I opened the thing. I pull it out. It's all foam. The, the, the bubbly. What is the shit? Bubble wrap. Yeah.

But not bubble wrap. No, it's not the stuff. It's the poppies. Bubble. Bubble wrap. Yeah. What did I say? That's what you said.

I just didn't, it didn't click. No click. So I pulled the bubble wrap out 20 boxes a year. I got a stack. I should have brought some, but I don't know if you guys eat yodels. Of course. Do I not eat a yodel? I fucking blow a yodel.

Well, I got, I got 20 boxes. I'll send you a couple of boxes. What is a yodel? It's a chocolate cake with, we had this talk last week. It's a little, it's a black poop dick with cream in it. We had the same talk. Poop dick with cream. Boy, I hope that's not the review on the box.

It's, it's a beautiful snack. It's a Drake's. It's a little Debbie. He said he didn't have them in New Orleans. And I said, what are you talking about? This is a national thing. Ah, yeah. Swiss roll.

You remember. Yes. It's like a Swiss roll, but better. Right. Right. Even though there's no black over there. Anyway. So, but I'm jumped right in.

I got, I got a lot of story around these gifts. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Should we, should we ease in? You want to say something? No ease. No loop.

Put it right in my ass. Oh, I'm sorry. This poor bastard. Yeah. Supposedly. I don't know. I'd like to see some video. Chuck's apparently moving to Staten Island, folks.

So if you got anything open, you got anything in New York, any condos, any boxes, any, uh, under an overpass, anything you got for the Chuckster bunk bed, race car bed, something. Jesse got to move into New York. He might be a little late on the rent. Cause the traffic's bad. Hmm.

Staff infection. Yep. Yep. Yep. SI. That wasn't clear. Uh, but anyways, let me, I guess, should I just get in or? Get in.

Get into the pool. It's warm. Well, here's the thing about, and I talked about this on, uh, my podcast with Ron on too, but it's like the thing with comedy is it's, you gotta, it's a battle. You're, it's your individual. Yes. And you, you know, you do what you want to be the best on the show,

but a movie, you want everyone to be doing well. Ah. Your success is my success. It's a team player. Comedy. You eat your dick and then I'm like, Hey, how about that folks? Put me in the festival. It's a very selfish art form and, uh, you're out, you're out there on your own.

You're independent. This is a group. Right. The podcast we have, you know, we got a shuck and jive. Sure. It's very similar. Yeah. You said afterwards you're like, you said that, that was big.

I like that. You said this, that was great. You know? Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's fun to collaborate. Stand up. You're just alone and sad and jerking off in a Bible at a holiday end.

Yeah. In there. Deuteronomy is stuck together. But so how about this? I'll tell, I'll tell a little couple tales about the film. So, you know, I got to be in this movie and I don't want to reveal too much. More will be revealed or whatever, but I think it's going to be very good. Oh boy.

I'm very excited. So. A dramedy. It's a dramedy. Okay. It's a, you know, it's exciting. Got it. A lot of thrills.

Got it. It's very fun, I think. But again, nobody thinks they're making a bad movie. Nobody's ever like, we're making a big piece of shit up there. Yeah. Yeah. I got a few movies. I think they might have thought that.

Well, I think there's movies where they're like, I'm going to get all my friends together. We're going to make a movie. It'll be fun. Right. Grownups 2. That's exactly the movie I was thinking of. No way. Yeah.

Wow. Even the sequel? Well, I wasn't thinking the sequel. I was thinking part one. I tried to rough it up a little bit. So, we'll let the cat on the, on the Pride Rock. Well, yeah. Pride Rock.

The coffee table. There we go. The fans want the cat. I know, but he's going to step on the buttons. No, no button. He's getting better. At what? Like, oh, man, perfect composition.

For one thing you could say about this come guzzling puss is he knows framing. Perfect. What did they do? Did they purr, right? Yeah, that was something. I don't know. All right. Last per minute.

Woo. So anyways, you know, you've worked on the film sets. Sure. One of the fun things as an actor, as a, as a, you know, an actor, they, you finish and they go, the director goes, folks, that is a wrap on Mark Norman. Everyone goes, hey, they blow you and they give you the flowers and they touch your dick. It's nice. They talk about my career.

So they go, they do that. So every actor gets that, but I'm the lead. So I got like more shit to film. Uh-huh. So the whole ensemble wrap, that's a wrap on fucking Steve McQueen. Hey, that's a wrap on Alec Baldwin. Woo. That's a wrap on fucking, you know, Lawrence Olivier.

Sure. Olivier Gay and everyone claps, but I don't get that because they're like, well, we got, you got to shoot tomorrow. You're the captain of the ship. You got to go down with it. Right. So I go, all right, well, we'll shoot tomorrow. Then we shoot the next day.

And there's like a, well, good luck because we got to shoot one more scene in York. So we drive back from late George. I got the one more scene here in New York and then I get a call from the director saying, we actually don't need that scene. We have it. He's cutting it. He goes, so I'm going to cancel it. We're good.

What? No better feeling than cutting and being done when you didn't think you were done. Well, the thing is though. Now the rap is just like I wrapped when I didn't know I wrapped my last shot was like this. All right. Good work today. I'll see you Thursday.

Okay. Cool. So I didn't get that sentimental monumental, right? That's a wrap. Hey, thank you. And he didn't get to say goodbye to the crew, right? The grips and the guy, because you know me, I'm a blue collar guy. I like to really sink in and get to know the little people, the insignificant people, the

scumbags, the pieces of shit that don't matter. The immigrants, the Browns. Yeah. They just the losers on the set. I like to be friends with them, pretend that we're equal, you know, here, here, I'm that kind of guy. I get it. You know what I mean?

Obviously they're not important. I am important, but I pretend we're equal. Yeah. They died. It wouldn't matter. Exactly. It to anybody, but no, I pretend to care. So I wanted to say goodbye to those guys and I can't lie.

I wanted everyone to go, Hey, great job. You're beautiful. You're a man. Oh my God. All right. Well, now I know what I'm going to send you. You want some gifts? I want a gift.

You want something in the mail? I'm going to get all those crew cunts to make a little gay vid and I'm going to send it your way. Fanny, send it my way. You're never going to be able to find these guys. They're all back in jail. They all move back to Mexico. You're never going to find them.

I forgot you used a bunch of grifters and carnies. So, so here's what happens though. So there's a group text with the whole cast because we're all pretending we're going to be friends forever. You know that feeling? Yeah. Every day everyone's like, I missed you guys. I'm like, it's slowly going to fade and then there's one person I'll still be friends

with because I connected, but yeah, whatever, whatever. They're all wonderful people and it's nice and I'm sure there's articles that are like, I hate a group text. Get out of here. I don't care about you guys. A lot of people hate the group text. You always notice there's like a couple of people that aren't responding to any of it. They've fluffed off an hour ago.

Yeah, they hate it. Yeah. I wonder if the Nazis have that like, Ah, Jesus, another meeting. There's got to be plenty of Nazis that were like, I don't think we should be doing this. Don't you think? I think, but I think people want to be part of something so bad. They're like, Oh, I got my hood. You know, they get excited.

They get the hood in the mail. I think it was helmets. Oh, I'm thinking of clan. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, clan. Do they get along? Are they buds, the clan?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think the Nazis are like, look at these fucking rednecks, but I think they get along. They got a similar ideology. I don't know if they'll get along though because don't the Nazis, aren't they prickly? If a clansman has like brown eyes, isn't the Nazi like, Hey, he's impure or something like that? No, that's a couple of brown eyed Nazis.

Great Van Morrison song, but there's a couple of brown eyes. All right. Maybe you're right. I don't know. It just feels like they're such prickly groups. They wouldn't, you know, sync up. I feel like they would have a, it'd be like a fireman and a cop hanging out. Okay.

Like they have the hockey game where they fight, but then afterwards they have a beer. They have beers and they make fun of the heat. Now that's something of a KKK versus Nazi hockey game. That is something. Yeah. Talk about the garden. Talk about the whitest sport. I mean, that would be something that black puck would have a couple of symbols on it.

That would be fun. Heil sticking. All right. Two minutes. Oh, that was fun. Trying to think of other puns. Clan, clandestine. That trick.

What's clandestine? That means like they're working together or it's secret. What's clandestine mean? I think it means secret or it's two different clans working together. I don't know clandestine. I thought it, yeah, I thought it was something like that. It's like fate clandestine. No, that's destiny.

Clan destiny. Oh, so it's like two clansmen meet and fall in love clandestine. Yes, that's a movie right there. Clandestine. Destin, Florida. That's where we shoot it. You're right. He kept secret or done secretively?

Done secretively. Yeah, clandestine. Our relationship is clandestine. By the way, look at this. Had a little mishap with a weak whacker. What happened? You gotta get a manscape. Catscape.

Right? Pretty wild. Right to the bone. What did you do? Who did that? I don't want to feel that. Are you crazy? He doesn't like that at all.

He's a little embarrassed about it. I'm at the barbershop. A spot? It's the size of my asshole. It's huge. Yeah. Basically, if you want the truth, he gets his hair so long, so he gets his insane knots. Done knots.

And then the knots pull. So now he's like, ah, ah, ah. So we had to shave it. Yikes. Well, sorry, buddy. Yeah, he just shaved the big puss. But he's not easy to shave, obviously, because he's jizzing and jazzing. So you gotta just rar.

It's like jackass. He's gotta get in there real quick and knock him when he's not looking. The shave sounded like a cat. Rar. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, we got those all over his body. It looks like a, like a method. He's missing patches of fur.

Um, so, so, okay. So I send the text and they go, hey, did you wrap? We're so excited. I go, well, sort of. We ended up not shooting this last day. So I guess I wrapped a few days ago and everyone kind of feels that feeling of like, what? Yeah. It's wicked.

It's this monumental occasion. The happiest time of my life. The most exciting thing I've ever done. Dream come true. But it ended with like, oh, I guess, I guess it was over that weird day. Yeah. No goodbye. No hugs.

No nothing. That is a bummer. Very bummed. You want the policeman's ball with the award and the hootenholler and the podium. Yeah. You want, you want the thing. So, and of course, you know, my parents never loved me. I needed all, all comers to be like, hey, you're good.

You're enough. Right. It's a struggle. I got to go to Allen and whatever. Yeah. So I tell them, yeah, I wrapped, but I didn't get a thing. And they go, oh geez. So then the next day I'm sitting at my house and I get a text from one of the producers

and it says, hey, you home. And I go, yeah, I'm home. Hear home. Not here at New York at my apartment. And she goes, well, you home for, how long you home for a little while? And I go, a couple hours. Oh, a pop in your home at your home till five. And I go, no, I'm probably leaving it like three 30 ish, but it's this weird secret

of saying where it produces on the movie. So I think it's going to lead somewhere clandestine. I think we're talking. So I go, yeah, I don't know. I'm home till like three 30 and then silence. So I go, I guess whatever. I don't know what that was. So, you know, I'm farting around the house, listening to music.

And I'm Dan. I like to have a nice dance party. I got the music cranking. I'm listening to flash dance and all this stuff and just live in the dream. I'm having a couple of cries. I'm very emotional, feeling pride and a lot of feelings. Feelings. Hang with Sarah.

Now this is September 10th, 9 11 Eve. Ah, the favorite day. Now with 9 11, it had a profound effect on me as it did all of us, of course. You were in the towers. It felt like the symbolic end of my childhood, you know, 19 and I didn't go to college. I graduated high school. I'm drinking. I started doing comedy, the whole thing.

And I feel like a young whippersnapper. Sure. And of course it was a monumental event in everybody's life. And so I used to, for years, every year on 9 11, I would, I would read the commission and watch the videos and really feel it and think about it. I did that for years until 2011 was the 10 year anniversary. And I really sunk my teeth in. I read all this stuff and I would fucking go down to ground zero.

The whole thing. Wow. But I said, you know what I'm doing? I'm putting it away. 10 years is enough. It's just another day. What am I doing? It's enough already.

It's enough. I put in 10 years of really grieving and feeling it. So I stopped. Good. You did more than Alcada did. I let go in 9 11. But this year, now it's the 20th anniversary. That's a big one.

And so it's been 10 years since I really sunk in there. So I said, you know what? This year, I'm going back down there. I watched the new Netflix. About terrorism. Very interesting. Pretty well done. Well done.

Mohammed shake. Mahuma. Yeah. So I go, I'm going to go down there and really pay my respects, really sink in, feel it, put myself there, feel the gratitude, all that stuff, really get in there. So I go, I'm going to go down to ground zero. I was going to meet a friend around five o'clock. I haven't seen a while.

So I go, I'm going to go down there early so I can spend some time. So I pick a random time and I go, all right, Sarah was going to Poughkeepsie. I go, I'll see you later. I love you. I'm going to go down to ground zero and just have myself a time, maybe take some photos and really have an experience. I leave, get on the subway. Subways taken forever.

I got to go all the way back to Queensboro, whatever, Astoria Boulevard, waiting for the train. I text Sarah at fucking Subways at Nightmare. I didn't miss this. Yeah. Terrorist. Sit on the train. Finally, I get the train.

Now it's running express all the way to Queensborough Plaza. I get a text from Sarah. Are you still on the train? Uh-oh. I go, what? And as I go to text back, I get a call from Sarah. Oh, I hate a call. I go, hello?

And she goes, hey, oh, hold on, yeah, okay, hold on. Where are you? I'm on the train going to the city. What? What's the matter? What's happening? She goes, oh, hold on. Yeah.

Never mind. Forget it. I love you. Oh, my God. This is your worst nightmare. And I go, what the fuck is this? This is your 9-11. So then I'm sitting on the train going, what the fuck is happening?

And then I text her and go, did someone come by the house? It was one of the co-stars came by with a singing telegram to say that's a rap and sing flash dance. Dance for me. Sing for me. She was dressed like some crazy dinosaur or something like that. The cast all chipped in, bought me a singing telegram and they came to my house with one of the stars of the movie who lives way out in Brooklyn.

She came all the way to Queens to come to my house with this lady and they ended up shooting a video. My wife got to watch my gift and I go, why didn't you say something? I would have jumped out of the train and jogged home and then I hate surprises. Just say, hey, keep them there or be home or whatever. And they got there. I said 330ish. She got there right at 328 or something like that.

And now I'm an asshole, A, I missed my, I didn't get a proper rap. Then I missed my big rap gift from the cast and I feel like a dick because this person came an hour on the subway with some singing lady and I missed all of it. And it's funny because what happens is it ends up like you did me a disservice because instead of feeling good, have my spirits lifted. I was in like a deep depression for like 28 hours because I'm like, I feel like an asshole. I'm rude and but it's not my fault. And this is why surprises suck.

Right. I was like, at least text my wife and say, keep them here and we could have had the classic 80s sitcom where I'm like, all right, I'm leaving. She's like, you can't. And I'm like, what? Why? She's like, cause the subway is broken. Yeah.

Yeah. Subway is broken. What do you mean? Well, it's, it's raining out. Yeah. The city's on fire. You gotta stay in. I think though, I can't believe you're a smart chap.

You got a nice big forehead. I think it's strange you didn't put this together. Well, what I thought was like maybe, and here's the thing. So this executive producer, her grandmother lives in Astoria and years ago she works with the director. She bought me a watch like she was in the neighborhood. Geez. What do you come?

So I was like, well, you got the watch too. Oh, that one. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. I was like, maybe she's going to come by with a gift. Maybe there's a package coming.

I didn't think a human being was going to come with another human being and sing for me in this nice gesture that everyone had put together. Plus you forget because we were texting at 11 o'clock like, hey, you're going to be home. Yeah, I'm going to be home. All right. Well, whatever that was. And you work out, you have sex, you know, you call your mother, you have sex with her.

Sure. And so by the time it was over, I was like, I was, it wasn't even on my mind. You're like, wait, should I wait till 3.30? Right. And so I missed the whole thing and I had to, and it's just such a bummer because you're like, that's never going to happen again. There's no repeating that. And then they send you a video, but that's even more.

I couldn't even get through the video because I was like, oh, this would have been such an amazing surprise and beautiful. I mean, I don't know much about singing telegrams because it's not 1941. But is it like a lady with a little fez on going, hey, Joe list, we love you to death. The movie was awesome. Touch your breast or whatever. Exactly. Oh, that would have been something.

I got the video and they're in my house and you're just like, ah, shit. Well, can we send the video to the Patreon? Maybe we'll put it on the page. I'll put it on the page. Join the patron to see the singing telegram. But also the other thing is like the woman that came who's an actor in the movie is very night. I like her.

She's we're friendly now. But in reality, you're home. You're missing the cast. You're like, I'm never going to see these people again. I miss them. And I would have got to see one of them for a few minutes and go, hey, oh my God, it's so good to see you. I can't believe we're back.

And so I just missed this whole thing. I felt like such a chuch. And then I get to ground zero and now I'm like devastated that I missed this thing. And I'm all I'm crying. I'm upset and people are like, did you lose something to 9 11? I'm like, no, I missed the singing telegram. I missed the lady dressed as a dinosaur singing a nursery rhyme in my front door. And I couldn't even enjoy not enjoy.

That's the wrong word, whatever. Connect to the 9 11 this because I was missing my dinosaur lady. It's a shame you don't have a ring camera. Well, that'd be nice. Those ring cams, you have the camera on your doorbell. That way you could have seen Patty. The Stegosaurus come up with her with her fucking book of songs that she could have done a whole tune for you right in the ring cam.

You could have been on the train and watched it. I guess so. But it's still what it's like to be home. I just I hate that they weren't like, we'll just make sure you're there till 3 30 because something's happening. But it would have paid off. And I've been home and then whatever. But I'm like, I could have been fucking my wife or whatever.

Right. Or mom. And this nice lady has to go back and be like, your friends are going to go, oh, you're doing that telegram thing. Let me know how that goes. She comes back three hours later, like how we missed it. We didn't do it to the lady killed herself. It's a whole thing that was very upsetting, but also sweet. And I have to just this is the problem is like I have such a hard time

connecting with love and feeling how people feel. You know, we have the same thing. I think I think everyone hates me. My baseline is like, everyone's mad at me. Sure. I suck. Nobody likes me. And so it was this gesture to be like, no, no, we like you. We think you're great.

Yeah. And I missed it. But instead of going, how sweet they came, I can't stop. I was obsessing about it. I'm like, I fuck. I'm an ass. This is a fascinating series of events with your mind, their mind and all the psychology behind it. And it's it's so funny that it went the other way and ruined you. I know what you know what it is.

It's like when you're like it's like if someone was like, you're not thinking about a movie is a weird example because we're talking about a movie, but it's like if someone was like, hey, Mark, Martin Scorsese is making a movie. And we want you to audition. And you're like, he asked for you specifically. So you're like, whoa, OK, great. Yeah. And then you don't get it.

Sure. You weren't even thinking about being in a Martin Scorsese movie. And now all you can think about is I didn't get this thing. And if they hadn't called, you would never even thought to be in it. Kirby, Kirby, enthusiasm like curb. Yeah. So it's like it wasn't like I was thinking like, I wish people would come over and sing to me. That's interesting. So now I'm like, if they hadn't done anything,

I would have just been like normal. Right. But where you add on this old trope, the better to have loved and lost. Yes. Then to never have queefed at all. Yeah. But I didn't love and lose. I guess I mean, I love these people and they love me. And you lost the telegram. So that's some loving and some losing and mostly sadness.

I'm over it now and I'm fine. But like for that day, I mean, I was inconsolable. Yeah. What's the time? Oh, yeah. Well, 81 minutes. That can't be right. What does that say, Chuck? 20, 29, 30. Oh, we're 30 minutes early. I'm dyslexic. Gee. Oh, I thought it's an 81.

OK. What's 31 minutes into this podcast? Well, we better do these minutes. Yeah, that took a lot longer than I thought. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Well, we really went down the singing telegram dickhole. Fuck, did I ruin the show? Tuesday's story is brought to you by Raycon.

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gets SheethUnderwear and let them support your balls. Woo! All right. All right. I didn't realize that we have been talking for so, I thought we were 10 minutes in. Are you all right? You sure you're not late with the thing?

No, no, it's good. Well, we went off on Ellen for about 20 minutes. Oh yeah, there's the Ellen, the other thing. Yeah, yeah. I started that last, so that's the closest to when you guys- Okay, got it. All right, all right. Tell them some stuff, because I got more,

but I went too long with this stuff. No, I get it, I had a bad woo-woo. Woo-woo. Remember the woo-woo? No, I don't know the woo-woo. Oh, you know the woo-woo. We did a whole woo-woo app. Woo-woo, what is woo-woo?

Not woo-woo, I'm talking woo-woo, woo-woo. I don't know what it means, what are you talking about? You know the woo-woo. I remember the inputs run up. Chuck knows the woo-woo. Everybody knows the woo-woo, but you, you. It was the name, it made the title. Woo-hun.

Woo-hoo, woo-woo. Woo-woo. Woo-woo. I know boo-boo. I don't remember woo-woo, but I've been away a long time. They didn't come up there and tell me, I don't shine shoes, no woo-woo. What are we talking about?

Yeah, boy, you've been out of it. You've been in the Berkshires, shining shoes. Woo-hoo. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo. That's when you're nervous, you're dizzy. No, no. The police. You know, you go.

Oh, wait, I got it, I got it, I got it. The airport thing is going to the airport to make you put your hands up. The woo-woo. Had a bad woo-woo. I wish you had said that, the woo-woo. The woo-woo. Yes, sorry, I didn't say the inflection right.

Woo-woo. So I'm flying out to Colorado, baby, for Red Rocks, one of the biggest events of my comedy life, one of the coolest. I mean, I've done Carnegie Hall, I've done The Garden, I've done The Comedy Cellar, but woo-woo. I mean, the Red Rocks is really something special. Yes, I've been on the stage, but during the day,

with you, the hike can walk around there. Never performed there, I mean, that's quite a thing. It's a thing, it's a magical place. Berkshires was nice enough to let me open. He could've used anybody, it's very thrilling. I really appreciate it. This guy's a, he's a big name now. He's a celeb, he's selling this thing out.

He was supposed to sell that with somebody else, like a co-headline, just to make sure they could do it, and the guy backed out. So it was all on his fat shoulders, and he had to do it, and he did it. So kudos to him. So he's shirtless, I fly into Colorado, he's like, get here a day early, let's really milk it.

Fly out on Tuesday, shows on Wednesday, get there, we're in this amazing bungalow, there's fire pits, and all this cool shit hot tubs, and picnic tables, and the beautiful scenery, the clouds, the mountains, it looks like a Bob Ross out there. What's a bungalow exactly? I don't know, it's like a cabin, but gayer, you know, it's like a cute cabin.

I picture those, the pink cup roof, is that a bungalow? Cup roof? You know, like a porcelain, like a flower pot, you know those roofs in California? Oh! The little orange half circle things, is that a bungalow? It's a Spanish style bungalow. Yeah, Spanish.

Maybe I'm using the wrong word, this is more of a little chalet, Timothy? Maybe, the chalame, that's who I wanted to play me in the movie, but evidently he looks too cute or whatever. Oh, wow, if you wish, come on, it gets fuckable. Well, they could jack up his teeth a little, shave his head back, so it's long. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we've talked about this before. Little gangly, but, so it's a bungalow. It's a bungalow chalet cabin. I picture the sun comes in a lot in the bungalow. Oh, you better believe it's got a fireplace, it's got a deer head on the wall, it's got a black eye, you know what I'm talking about, it's a, it's...

Bungalows don't have deer on the thing. All right, maybe bungalow is out. I think it's a cabin, or a chalet. It looks like where you'd ski. Okay, Lodge! Lodge! It's lodging, maybe it's a lodge. Lodge! Lodge! Lodge! Lozenge.

Yes, Robert Lodge, so we go there, it's beautiful, Bert's like, hey, it's just good vibes. You know, you're just out in the open air, that sun is in your dick and you're feeling good, and you know, you start drinking immediately, and then we go out to dinner, we go to some fucking steakhouse where the table is built with wood

and the guy built it behind the bar, and all it's like, it's all rickety, it's like branches, you know? Oh, yeah. And they're like, oh, the Grateful Dead, fucked a dead guy here, or whatever it is, and, but either way, we get there, it's great, but the woo-woo, on the way there.

Bad woo-woo. So, I'm sleepy, it's early, I get in the woo-woo-woo-woo, and these airports are, it's like the stock market over there now, they're just like crazy, papers are flying, and kids are screaming, and all kinds of shit, Delta, and I get in the woo-woo, and it does it again, just like last time.

Well, you're all red in here, and so it's this, I know what that's about. It's this short white lady, like neck tattooy, kind of special K, meth white lady, intervention lady, and a big, big Hispanic guy, big, like chief from Cuckoo. Yeah. He's at the woo-woo, so I get through,

and this white lady's like, you know, she's like pushing people to, all right, but she's having one of these conversations with her employees while getting people through, and she's annoying, she's like, that bitch told me, but like, she's kind of, she's trash, she's like a little white trash. Sure.

And so I'm getting the woo-woo, and then she's like, this fucking bitch told me, I told that bitch, I'll kill her, I'll cut her up, blah, blah, blah, and then I'll go up, up, up, up. She sees the screen, she goes, up, up, wait, she's gotta pat you down, and I'm like, all right, whatever, let's just do this, and I look at the screen, and it's all right here,

it's all in the herpy area. You can see the screen? I look at the screen every time. I wanna know where I'm glowing. Where's the screen? That's right behind you. It's right behind you. It's up on the woo-woo, but you walk out of the woo-woo

and pass it, I look back. I don't go through the woo-woo, because I'm pre-checked. Ah, I gotta get pre-checked, because I'm having real woo-woo issues. Yeah, you got a bad woo-woo, and you gotta don't poo-poo the TSA. Yeah, yeah, well, I don't know what to do-do,

but I get out of there, and she goes, whoop, whoop, whoop, he's gonna have to pat you down, and this big guy's like, sorry, man, like I gotta go in this area, and I do my old yoga, well, careful, I got a huge penis. And then she goes, what the fuck? Why would you ever say that? That shit ain't funny.

You gotta stop playing. You gotta stop playing. And I was like, oh, I don't have a big penis. I totally backed up, I was like, I'm just joking, I'm joking, I have small penis. And the guy's putting the gloves on, he's like, ugh, and I'm like, dude, it was a joke, I'm sorry, I forgot you can't make jokes at an airport,

small penis, no circumcised, and he goes, Reggie, and it's the gayest man on the planet, 18 earrings, he's got the fucking whole get up on 20 bracelets, shaved head with the peroxide blonde. Peroxide. That's when they dye the peroxide to get it super white, that white.

Like hydrogen peroxide? I think that's what they use to, yeah, that's how you get that white hair. It's all foamy? They get all the color out, no, no, they just get the color out, he's bleach blonde. Oh, wow, okay. So he goes, haaah,

and I was like, what's going on here? I mean, he turned like a velociraptor like, you know, and he was doing something over there, and they were like, Reggie, you gotta come check this guy out. I'm like, what, this is the procedure, you're scared to go downtown on me, so you're getting the gay guy for safety,

because he's cool with dicks, this guy's not cool with dicks. Yeah, it feels weird, it's like if a woman was getting frisked and they were like, hey, Bill, come over here. Oh! Like it should be, it should be someone, you know. It's someone who doesn't like dicks. Right.

Yeah, but their mentality was, he's good with dicks, he should get in there, but I would argue we're all good with dicks, just our dick. Yeah, I mean, a dick's not hard, you just kind of move it to the side, if you're checking underneath, but he better not be too good,

or he's gonna be seeing your goo goo. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna shoot some goo goo on him, but so he's like, mm, so he puts all his shit on, you know, he's got 28 gloves and bracelets, and he comes over and he's like, whoo, baby, you know, he's making a meal out of this. And the big fat Hispanic guy looks at me like,

sorry man, sorry man, and this white lady's just like, you fucked up now, you fucked, and it's almost like a weird punishment, they bring in this Reggie guy to really, to show you like, hey, you fucked up. This is like prison, I don't know, this is kind of, what kind of operation are they running? I'm in Oz over here, the guy bent me over,

I dropped the soap, he had his way with me, assumed the position. It was the while, I'm like, it's eight in the morning, I'm getting felt up by the gayest man on the planet, this white lady's yelling at me, the Hispanic guy's like saying sorry, and she keeps going, like he's feeling me up, hardcore, and he's put on, he put on Rain and Men,

like put music on, he really brought the house down. What airport is this? Newark. I gotta get a ticket, I mean, this sounds like a delight. If you wanna get off, go to Newark, and talk about your dick, and they will woo woo your ass all day long.

Oh my God. But then the security, or the head lady, what do you call her, the superior, he was the head man. But what do you call that lady, you know, the boss? The supervisor. Supervisor, yes, she comes over the clipboard, and we're getting, we got a fucking Orlando nightclub

over here, and then we got the white lady carrying and yelling, and then the Hispanic guy's going, oh boy, boy, boy's Dio, sir, whatever. Kayavon Dio, whatever he's saying, and so the supervisor comes over and goes, what is going on over here? And the blonde lady goes, this motherfucker's making jokes,

he's making bad jokes, he's inappropriate, and she goes, hey, shut up. And I was like, yeah! Wow. And then I get finally done, I pull my pants up, I'm bleeding, we sop it up, and then I walk away, and I'm like putting my shit on, like jeez, I feel violated,

and the Hispanic guy walks over and goes, sorry about that, man. And then I left. Well, a lot of nice apologies from the Latina fellow. No, he was great, he was great, he was just a little, he's a normal guy, he was just a little perturbed by the whole situation, but it was a scene, man. We had a disco ball going, and the guy,

the gay guy was on roller skates, it was a lot. Wow, I like Reggie, I'm gonna start flying out of Newark just to see what all the Reggie's about. Tell him I said hi, he knows me. Wow, it sounds like a Zuzu. Trooper. Zuzu's petals. So yeah, then we get to Red Rocks,

and then just the night, we go out hard, May shows up, we drink hard in Bert's room. Shows up. It comes by, we drink hard in the chalet, the bungalow, the lodge, the cabin, and we're drinking hard, and we pass out in our bed, fire's going, the birds chirping, you see a deer, you know, it's that rustic.

Oh, so you're in the country. We're like, you land in Denver, you drive an hour and a half. Yes. Which is always a bitch, but what are you gonna do? Even if you're going downtown, you drive an hour and a half. Right. In that fucking place. Good point. So, it hits me. I wake up first day, chalet, I'm gay.

The worst hangover I've ever had in my life. Ah, the hangover. And I'm like, what is this? I had a couple of white claws, maybe a tequila or two, a beer, and I'm like, ah, it's beyond bad. And she's has to get up and start working, and she's fine, but I'm like, ah, altitude poisoning. Ah, the altitude poison.

Again, that's what they call it. They call it altitude poison? Altitude sickness? That's something. Okay. Poison doesn't sound right. That's a band. Either way.

Fantastic. Yeah, are they? Yeah, they got a couple, everybody, every rose has its thorn, you got girls, girls, girls, talk dirty to me, ain't nothing, but a part. No, that's poison. Okay, well, so luckily the lady goes, hold on, I thought about this.

She brought out a little dropper, chlorophyll. Chlorophyll. It cures it. I popped a few of those. I tell Bert goes, let's get breakfast. Everybody's got a hangover thing. You put an ice cube on your toe, it cures a hangover.

You fucking eat a plant, and you got a hangover. You got a side belt. This is altitude. Oh, altitude, I forgot about the altitude. Where did the other ball game here, sloppy jalopy? I forgot about the altitude, right. Yeah, so, boop, boop, and I'm like, oh, I feel, I mean, I'm still wrecked, but I'm like,

I can walk now, at least. Okay. So then the door knocks. Cute little lady with an apron comes in, she goes, here's your breakfast. They just hand you breakfast. She made it in the kitchen. It's all hands on, it's all mom and pop.

It's adorable. So there's someone living in your bungalow? No, no. That's good for you. Who popped in? Oh, the cook. There's a cook in the bungalow? I thought you rented a house.

No, no, it's a big resort kind of thing. Oh, I see. Not resort, but it's a big operation. They got a lobby, they got a bar, they got a restaurant. I'm so confused, because that bungalow, I thought it was like a house. You guys got a house together. We all got a bunch of bungalows next to each other

on this lot of land. I see, I see, and then there's the kitchen with employees that bring you the stuff. Oh, this is delightful. It's right on a creek, it was really something. So Burke goes, come to breakfast, and I go, I don't think I can move. He goes, well, come out here, I'll help you out.

IVs! Wow! He's got 18 IVs set up, they're all hanging on the bag, the yellow bags on the metal poles, and eight guys, you know, the crew guys, and the guys I was drinking with last night, they all got, hey, get in here. Oh, oh boy, I feel, oh, it's cold, oh, you can feel it.

I'm like, light me up! Poison IV. Yeah, so they, they get that vein going, some big guy named Juan, he sticks me with a 12 inch needle. Woo! I'm back, I'm 100%, he goes, you want some of this? I go, put that in, you want some of that?

Put that in, and we go do Red Rocks. It's unbelievable, I'm freaking out. Here's the cool thing about Red Rocks. Jimmy Buffett does it on Tuesday, sells it out, of course, kills it. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Yeah, come Monday. Then, Wednesday, Bert does it.

Then Thursday, Jimmy Buffett does it again. Wow. And I said, why do you do that? And they go, he needs a voice break. Right, yeah, he works Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. There you go. He really figured it out, I love this man. He did, and they slide comedians in.

That's what they do, we pipe them in for these off nights. Ah, because you don't need to load in and load out, it's just one guy. So I'm on stage, looking behind me, it's Buffett's equipment. It's legendary. Wow. I'm standing next to Jimmy Buffett's guitar, and boxes, and crates, and drums, and all this shit.

You know him, a parrot head. Huge parrot head, I'm a parrot. So the show was great, I was trembling. This guy, Dave Williamson, goes on. He's hilarious, I was so nervous. So we get the IVs, Bert gets an award, because you get an award if you sell out Red Rocks. Like six guys can do this, six comics.

You get an award? You get like a little plaque. Oh, that's nice. Did they give it to you in front of the crowd? No, backstage, all backstage. So there's catering. The whole thing is just a magical event, and Bert goes out there and just,

well Dave Williamson killed, I had a good set. Bert just, he's got a presence. These guys, they do comedy for 61 years. You can see it. He comes out there, and he just rips that shirt off, and the place went nuts, and he's just looking up into these mountains with the sea of 10,000 people, and the lights are cool looking,

the Buffett gear behind you, ripping it, telling stories, and then he brings his wife out, and they love her, they go nuts for her. The whole thing's insane. God, this is good livin'. That guy, he lives well. He lives. He lives, baby.

He eats like an animal, he drinks like a fish, but man, is he livin' while he's here. And just great time, then he does the whole thing, he brings everybody out, and I looked at May, I was like, you know, you have nothing to do with this, but you come too. Sure. She got a nice shot out there, we took a photo

with the crowd behind you, the whole thing's magic, and then, of course, we partied up that night, and the cool thing about these gigs, as no one talks about, is the Sprinter Van Ride to the Red Rocks is a half hour. Right. And you're just, I feel alive, hey, hey, we're all pumpin', and you got drinks goin',

you're pre-gamin', and it's like a football game, where the team's gettin' amped up before the game. God, that's fun. Oh, it was a magical evening, and then we do that, we party all night, wake up the next day, the IVs are back out there, I'll show you photos, I don't know if we can put photos on the Patreon, but I have us all by the fire pits at noon,

just doin' more IVs, we got IVs two days in a row, and Bert was so generous and paid for everything, and then he got barbecue shipped in, and blah, blah, blah, and we partied again, then when we saw Jimmy Buffett, we went to the Buffett concert. It's really a spectacle, it really is this amazing American tradition, he's been doin' it for years, and I'm not even a huge Jimmy Buffett fan,

like it never spoke to me, but boy, do you get in it. So then the guy goes, one of the crew guy goes, I got shrooms, and I go, so he hands them over, the lady does them, and we are just, ah, I mean, the visuals, the sound, the love, just the love. Love the love, I mean, those shows are so fun, I mean, I always love the idea,

cause we would go every year, this idea of like, all right, we gotta rent an RV, dress it up like a pirate ship, everybody's gotta get eye patches, and birds, and we gotta look like pirates, how come? Ah, Jimmy Buffett's comin' to town, that's all dressed up like fuckin' sharks and pirates. I mean, it's the most fun, it's the happiest,

I've talked about it before, I'm sure, on the podcast, but it's the best party I've ever been to, I got a million stories, and I'm sure I've shared them all before, but it's such a fun vibe, and people don't even go to the show, they just hang out in the parking lot all night, and it's just a beautiful thing, I think he's the most underrated songwriter,

I get so much shit for it, but he's a fuckin' beautiful man, and a beautiful writer, and I just love him. Little guy, comes out, he's about four for one, he's bald and everything. Oh yeah, he's sexy, no shoes, the whole thing. Yes. And that's so fun, I mean, I just, I love it, I love those times, I've probably told the story, I was in an RV,

this guy just invited us in, it's the most friendliest play, I mean, this is like, this would cure all the world's problems. I know, I know. You can have, you know, Jews and Palestinians, the cops and the blacks, all just go to a Buffett concert, it'll all be taken care of. It's so true, people are running around in shark costumes,

and he's got like one guy in the front row, and the guy goes, 114 times, that's how many shows he's seen. You know, they're obsessed, they make it a family thing, there's kids there, just driving up the mountain, you see all these families all decked out, grass skirts, hula shit, shark hats, it was really something special, and just a great night in the shrooms,

peaked right for a cheeseburger and paradise, and the place goes nuts. The only downfall of these concerts is every now and then, you get a glance at the security guy, and he's like, No, they hate it, yeah, it's a miserable time, they can't toe tap or anything, they get fired, but. It takes you out of it, you're like, I gotta stop looking at that fucking Asian guy

with the neck tattoo, because he is not enjoying this. No, it's not his night, he's not excited, but you know, I was at the show one time in Anaheim, and this guy led us into his house, and he had one of those big Gatorade buckets, you know, they dump it on the couch with Captain and Coke, so we were just making it, and I was drunk, and telling a story, and I knocked over the whole thing,

just like three gallons of Captain and Coke all over his floor, and you know, I'm from Boston, I'm drunk, I'm waiting to get a fight, I was like, oh, we're gonna be in a fist fight, we're gonna have to fight our way out of there, the guy's like this, that's nothing, that's no problem, honey, we lost a barrel, and she came out, she had two towels, just starts cleaning it up,

he opens his cabinet, his whole cabinet is just handles of Captain Morgan and two leaders of Coke, he just made a freshman, he's like, get yourself a fresh one, buddy, don't sweat it, and I was like, oh my God, and the floor's all sticky, he's like, who gives a shit? Wow. Magical, I got dropped off there at one time,

Derek and I went, and he had to go to work, he just dropped me off for like five hours, I was like, I'll be fine, I just hung out with all these people, I tell him he'd come back, I was with like 22 people. Look at that. I'm like, this is Steve, this is Big Pete, this is Julie, that's Cheryl, her tits are weird,

this guy blew me, and it's an amazing vibe, and a great show, and it's just the best, and I love it. It was really, it's really something special, and you don't want it to end, and then when it did end, like you'd go buy a beer at the beer stand, and you guys got you to head log, and you're like, where are you from, motherfucker? And it's all good times, you know?

Well, and then I had, they had all these things where you show your tits for a margarita, and then there was these one, I've told this story before, I know, but there's like a bunch of old ladies, and it said, peek at your pecker for a pina colada, and I kept just showing them my dick and getting back in line,

and they kept making me fresh drinks. I spent like a half hour just in line, showing my dick, and they were all like, look, it's so small, he's got herpes, what a fag. Yes, yes. That was fun. Good time, that you married her. But yeah, great times, really something special, drove back to the bungalow, and then you,

or the chalet, or the lodge, or the cabin, and you get drunk more, and then reality sets in, like the shrooms start wearing down, and then you go, oh, it's five, my flight's at eight, the airport's an hour away, I gotta leave at six, and you're just like, blah. Yeah, that sucks. So I just start packing, and then it's just kinda like,

oh yeah, reality sucks, we're back in real life. Car comes, drive to the airport, and you went from like, ah, I gotta pair it on my head, you know, I got a mouthful of puss and all this, and then you, the alarm, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, and now I'm in an Uber, at the Denver airport, flying to Albany, hit a layover, get to Albany, did two shows, sold merch, fuckin' did a meet and greet,

great shows, and fuckin' crap, I fell asleep for like 11 hours. Wow, yeah, it's always hard to come down, all good things, they come to an end. They do. It's a weird thing, but then you're like, all right, back to my regular life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is pretty good.

It's just that shift from like, high to regular is tough. Yeah, I'm dealing with this now, I'm still trying to get acclimated from, we talked about it last week, I'm like hanging out with like 12 people every night. Every night, my screen time went up 120% in one week. Yeah. I was looking at my phone,

like 45 minutes a day up there. I hate to say it, but like, imagine if we could, if we could all as a society, as a country, as a world, get back to that part. Yeah. The less screen, the less phone, the less social media, we'd be happier, we'd live longer. I mean, the suicide is way up, anxiety is way up, depression is way up,

I don't know, I think it'd be better for everybody. Well, of course, well, social media, particularly, because I do text a lot, I text about 25, 30 people a day, I got a lot of, I know a lot of people. Same, same. But so, well, where are we at? I hate not knowing the time here.

Do we have time for a couple more yarns? 57. 57 channels and nothing's on. Well, can I do it? Can I throw something out quick? Please. Cause I had quite a day yesterday. I'll just throw it out there.

I'll shove it right up your ass. Please. Cause I had one of those special, special days. So a few weeks ago, a couple of months ago, we're making this movie, we're planning to make the movie, and we're shooting it all during the U.S. Open. Now you know me, I'm a big tennis conter. I go to all the tournaments, Roland Garrosh,

and the other one, Indian Wells. And every year for, I don't know how long now, 15 years, I go to the open a couple of times, couple of day sessions, couple of night sessions, gotta be there. And it's killing me, cause last year there was a tournament, there's no people allowed. This year, I'm shooting this movie, the exact two weeks of the tournament.

And it's breaking my heart. I'm like, I can't miss another year, but we were scheduled to wrap on Friday, Sundays, the men's finals. So I say to the director who makes a few bucks in his personal life, I say, hey, what if we went to the men's final? Jokeovic's gonna be going for the record.

It's gonna be the big year. This culmination, he's gonna win the grand slam. He's gonna win all four events. He's gonna pass Nadal and Federer to become the greatest of all time. Let's go. Yeah. He goes, great, we'll try to do that.

I get the email, cause I follow all the emails, all I get is tennis emails all fucking day. They go, tickets go on sale tomorrow if you have an Amex card. So I text this person's person and say, hey, you got an Amex card, let's get on it. Yada, yada, long story short, we get fourth row like baseline

for the US Open Men's Finals. So we're pushing each other in the bushes. I'm doing Scott Hamilton backflips. I can't believe it. I'm so pumped. I've never been to, I've been to two world series clinches, which was amazing, but a one-on-one event,

it's like a prize fight. Joke of it's going to become the greatest of all time. And we're sitting right in the fucking blow-me seats. You can't even believe what you got going on. Looking forward to it for weeks. So excited. Wow, BMS. We got the, we got the tickets.

We're all excited. It happens to be Louis' birthday. Oh. It's his birthday. We're going to the US Open Men's Final. We're in box D. It's insane. We got box seats.

He's not allowed to have a birthday. It's wild. So we're like, oh my God, this is going to be amazing. We're making a plan. I got a box of yodels. I gave them to his first birthday. I put a candle in it. It was quite sweet.

Re-gifting Chris's yodels to Louis. But whatever. I go, happy birthday. I put together a video of all the fun we had on the movie. I put some music to it. You got to see it. It'll touch your heart. I got like Randy Newman feels like home flash dance.

I put together quite a video. I'll put that on the picture on eventually years from now. You got a friend and me. Anyway, so we get in the car of course, he's late. We're doing traffic. It's like making me crazy.

I'm like, I would have been there at 1 PM. You know me. I would have been there at 11 AM fucking camped out. Don't tell Chuck. We get there. Ah, you know, guys, I think if you're late, you're a piece of shit. But so I go down there.

We go to our seats and it's like side failure. Like we just keep going. We're walking and walking and walking. And so we sit down and immediately I'm like, all right. Contest. Who can spot the most celebrities? Which is fun because he's a celebrity. Right.

Right away I'm like, there's Michael Bloomberg. I'm up one nothing. All right, all right. I think that's Spike Lee. I'm like, fuck, it's one one. You're right. It's Spike. You guys love Vali.

You're Vali. We're Vali and then I go, all right, fuck. And he goes, I got Alec Baldwin right here behind the back. I go, fuck. All right, Alec Baldwin shit. So he goes to get a snack. I come back. I go, I leapfrogged you.

I got Christine Taylor and Ben Stiller right behind Baldwin. That's a dooper. So I take the lead. Then I'm talking to this lady. She goes, yeah, this is crazy. She's like chatting because everyone's chatting. We're in box seats. And so she goes, oh, I never come blah, blah, blah.

And I go, yeah, it's just fun seeing all the celebrities. And she goes, that's Brad Pitt in the Gilligan hat. Brad Pitt has got sunglasses on, like a little Gilligan skipper hat. And I go, oh, I got Brad Pitt right here. And then next thing I go, I think that's Brad Cooper. I called him Brad because I'm an actor now. I go, that's Brad and Brad.

I got Cooper and Pitt. So now I'm like out to a big lead. And the whole time and Brad Pitt, I can't stop looking at him. As soon as a voice played, I'm like, what's Brad doing? Is he clapping? Is he watching? And he's right there.

He's Brad Pitt. Wow, he's blowing Bradley Cooper. So it's Cooper and Pitt. And then it turns out to Caprio was there too. He was sitting behind him. He's got the hat. Claire Danes is there. Henrik Lundquist.

I couldn't name a Claire Danes movie if you had made me. Broke Down Palace. Wasn't she in Romeo, Juliet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was something. All right, I got a couple buttons. Anyways, so Claire Danes is there. It's B, it's Brad Pitt.

It's Alec Baldwin, Ben Stiller, the whole gang. Bloomberg, Spike Lee. He stinks, Louie. And it's such a fun. But then, joke of it, just gets blown out. I mean, he got crushed. It was insane. He never loses.

He lost in two and a half hours. He got destroyed. And then we're trying to hold on to the hope. Medvedev, this Russian kid, Daniel. Fuckin' Ruskies. So he just gets annihilated. And it's such a disappointment because these tickets, I don't even want to tell you how much they cost.

Oh, God. More than 1,000? 1,000. I mean, I'll tell you after off-camera, because if I tell these people, they're gonna take their own lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking like my parents' salary for these fucking

tickets. Wild. So we're sitting there. And now you have this big event. You're like, this is going to be great. We're going to watch Joe Kovic get crowned, the greatest of all time. The seats are just insane.

You can't even believe it. And then he gets killed in like two and a half. You thought we were going to be there for four hours. Three set, just smoked. So we're a little disappointed. We're leaving. The sun is coming down. Pink skies.

Beautiful walking over that bridge. Shea Stadium, whatever city field is all lit up. Yeah. And I go, oh my God, Sunday Night Baseball. Met Yankees. He goes, you want to go? And I go, it's up to you. I mean, you want to go?

He's like, it's my birthday. Fuck it, let's go. What a city. He calls his assistant, goes, look on StubHub. I was like a little trumpet. He goes, look up. He tells his assistant, look up tickets for Joe and I. And I go, I grab him.

I go, hey, surf's on me. So I go, surf's on me. What the fuck does that mean? So these waves are mine. I was like, I got a teen walk. So I go to StubHub. I know about StubHub. I go row five, section 14, behind home plate.

I don't want to tell you how much money I spent. I go less than the open. Oh, by like 800% less. All right. I'm in the hundreds. He's in the thousands. I'll just say that. So I go, I go, I'm buying us tickets.

It's your birthday. Blow me. I'm going to shave your pubes and put them on my face like a mustache. I click purchase. As soon as I do it, I'm like, I could have flopped to fucking Germany for that. Whatever.

Fuck the Germans. They killed the Jews. So it's like 7.15. We're walking the sunset and we're going to tennis. We're going to Mets, doubleheader. We go in there. Then this one's going to kill you. This one, you're going to unfriend me.

Oh, I got woo woo. I'm a little worried that we're not going to be friends anymore after I tell you this. It's going to just get right into your gears and grind them and pull your asshole out and shove it up your mother's ass. You ain't outside, Phil. No. All right, all right.

We go into the thing, the little Delta Club. Oh, everyone's got the Corona Club. But we go in there and it's his birthday. We're all excited with jazz. They go, give me two large fries, two slices of pizza, some tacos for him, a Coke, a finger, a t-shirt. I grab all this stuff like George. It's a birthday.

So I go, come on. I pile it all up and they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you owe money. I go, I thought this was free. And the guy goes, if only life worked like that. Oh, boy. How much is it? It goes, it's 89 bucks.

And pizza, fries, beer, the whole thing. I pay for it. Then we take all of our stuff, all of our souvenirs and shit down to the box seats. You just keep going and going. It's like a private entrance. We get down there and the lady goes, oh, welcome, welcome. This is like a different experience down there

in these box seats. Yeah. Welcome. It really is. Don't forget, you have complimentary food, shake, shake, and I go, complimentary food. Where's that? She goes, the whole stadium.

With these tickets, you don't have to pay for anything. I go, what? I just spent 90 bucks. And she goes, no, no, that was a big mistake. You just scan your tickets. These are all inclusive. What? So I just donated $90 to the New York fucking Metropolitan.

Oh, my God. I don't even like them. I hate this team. I just gave them 90 bucks. And I'm like, can I get my money back? And she's like, get your money back. What are you saying? And then the worst part is, this piece of shit fat ass,

where I was like, I wish life worked like that. It does work like that. It was free. You come, because you're not saying, what do you kill me? I don't mind spending 700 bucks on a pair of tickets for me and my buddy to have a nice time, but giving 80 bucks when I didn't have to, I just gave them money for no reason.

I got to get some air. I can't get over it. It's like missing the same telegram. I missed the telegram and I gave money to someone that doesn't need the money. I wonder if that guy's counting that shit right now. Oh, baby, that fucking ruse, what an idiot. I rocked him.

Oh, it sucked, but then, so then we go back and there's like an ice cream bar. Everything's free, so we're getting ice creams. I got, I'm like, Costanz, I got ice cream all over my face. What do you think of this move, by the way? All right. We're sitting there in the expensive seat. Everyone's a business owner, whatever.

Louis eats an ice cream. He's a sloppy piece of shit, he's got ice cream all over. And so then, about two innings after the ice cream, some guy goes, hey, taps, Louis, here's a napkin. You got ice cream all over your arm. Ooh. That's rude, right? Yeah, that's pretty aggressive.

So he's like, what? And he hated him, he wanted to leave. He's like, fuck this guy. And then, he's doing the thing where he's like too loud where he's like, what an asshole. That was really rude. And the guy's like, right here, it was so awkward. But you're like, it is a shit.

It's like telling a woman to smile, but even worse. There's a way to do that, and it's not rude. You know, you're like, maybe I have ice cream on my arm. I guess, but you're like, what do you care if I have ice cream on my arm? Fuck off. Maybe he'd want somebody to tell him if he had ice cream on his ass.

I guess so, I suppose so. But it's not like it's in your teeth or something. It's on his arm. But anyways. How do you get ice cream on your arm? How sloppy is he eating? He's got a cherry on his toe and chocolate sauce on his knee. Like, you got to relax, Lucifer.

Yeah, it's his birthday. All right. So we watched the game, beautiful game, great game, nationally televised, seven, six, benches cleared, the whole thing. But it's kind of like good fellas when he's like, with Tommy being made, it's like we are all being made.

With someone's birthday, it's like it's everybody's birthday. Right, right, it's a party. Fat piece of shit. It was a great time. I'm out of money now, but what a day. Wow. Good life. Is that two sporting events in one evening?

One evening. We watched the US Open Championship. We watched Sunday Night Baseball back to back, right next to each other. My whole life's mission right now would be to get that money back. It was brutal. I would have missed the whole game.

I don't care if it's Babe Ruth comes back from the dead and Don Mattingly eat each other's ass. I'm like, I'm talking to that guy. I'm going, here's the pizza back. Here's this. No, you should have told me, fuck you. I'm suing. Brutal.

Just to spend, like I said, I don't mind wasting money, spending money, blowing money, losing money, but to spend it when you didn't owe it is brutal. Yeah, no, that would kill me. Then I would almost throw that food out just to eat the free food. Right, well, we got plenty of more free food. Great night, great time.

Yeah, it's a tough thing about appetites. When the food is free, you wish your appetite never ended. But then poor people are like, I wish I didn't have an appetite. Yeah. But to each his anal. Anyways, this is something. Good stuff, good story. There's more, but we're going to come back.

Yeah, I got more, too. We're going to queef it up. We're going to, you know, just write in your coffee. And he's back. The movie's done. Hopefully what it comes out summer of 2041. I have no idea if it'll ever be out. I don't even think the cameras were rolling honestly.

I think it was a make or wish, but it was a good time. Sounds about right. Hey, we got to plug this thing. We did an October 5th Royersford. You got that right. Live Tuesdays with stories. This time it's happening. October 5th, I think it's like the last outdoor event

in the history of the show. No, baby. So Tuesdays, get down there. We'll have special guests, I'm sure. Hopefully Chuck could come. We'll tell them the wrong times we gets there. And he didn't laugh at that one. Chuck is going to Skankfest, I believe.

Oh, are you? Oh, wow. That'd be nice. We'll figure all that out later. Anyways, Helium in Philadelphia, September 23rd to the 25th. I haven't been on stage in a month. I'm going to suck. But come down there.

Sarah will be there. Comedy Castle, September 30th through October 2nd. Then Bananas in New Jersey, October 8th and 9th. Portland Helium, the 11th through the 13th of November. Then Zany Chicago, the following week. You got to run. I mean, sufferin' bananas. You got a real run in there.

Yeah, it's exciting. Hell of a run. I'm all over the road here. West Palm Beach, Nashville, Zany's Comedy Connection in Providence, Rochester Comedy Club, Funny Bone Richmond got moved. Portland Helium, some other good stuff. Brea, Improv in California, Vancouver, something or other.

What is that? A house of comedy. And New Orleans coming down for the Howlin' Wolf. First place I ever got paid to do comedy. Royal Oak, Michigan, Atlanta Bucket Theater. Tell a friend, get on the Patreon, spread the queef, spread the loves, we're all over YouTube. We got clips, we got an Instagram.

We got a Patreon with extra bonus stuff. Think we're gonna get some cookin' right now. Joe's back. I'm queer. We're here. Praise Allah. I'll change the music, John. Please believe that we've got you.