Tuesdays with Stories! - #419 Chunky Sob

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

Hot damn, it's another great ep as Joe tries to rent bikes to go to Asbury Park before helping out some strangers while Mark performs for a very uncomfortable film festival crowd. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: MyBookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays), Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), Public Rec (publicrec.com code: tuesdays), Better Help (betterhelp.com/tuesdays), Keeps (keeps.com/tuesdays), & Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey, folks, we're gonna, oh, the cat pushed the recorder off the table, you son of an onion. Tuesday's Stories is brought to you by Fields CBD. CBD isn't about what you feel, it's about what you don't feel, like stress, anxiety, or pain. I take it every night, I use this stuff to sleep, it helps calm the mind, ease the brain, peace of mind, love CBD, also helps with some back pain and some headaches and whatnot, you gotta get on it. It's a premium CBD that will help you feel best while keeping your head clear, it's hassle free, delivered directly to your door. CBD naturally helps reduce stress, anxiety, pain, and sleeplessness. Thank you. No hangover, no addiction. Just get a couple drops under the tongue and feel

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it off your first order with free shipping. One more time, Fields dot com slash Tuesdays and feel better. This is also brought to you by my bookie. Cuz he's my bookie. Thank you. It's only week three of NFL, but if you've already been eliminated from the survivor pool, don't you worry, you're pretty little tits off this week. My bookie is kicking off a $50,000 contest. The best part is it's now totally free to enter. Whether you're a new or existing customer, you can play in this contest. Yeah, get on it. Let's make it interesting. All you have to do is pick one winning team each week. Well, that's pretty simple. We can do that. Sure, Patriots. Keep your streak alive to get a shot at the

big prize. If you haven't made your first deposit yet, get on it today. Tell them how quick. Head to my bookie dot A G and use promo code Tuesdays just for you guys. They will double your funds, double your deposit to double your winnings. That's my bookie dot A G and use promo code Tuesdays for a double deposit bonus plus a one way ticket to my bookie survivor contest because he's my bookie. He's my bookie. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up and she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah,

this is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey, stories is here. Now I'm noticing my thing goes higher than yours. They're not equal. I asked this question before. I think you got a loud tambour. Jeffrey Tambour. I think she'll both can mess with the ones and twos and DJs and clits or whatever. Hey, Mr. Jeffrey Tambourine, man. Play a pod for me. Yeah. What's the cat doing? Look at its eyes. That's a deep sleep. The cat loves yelling and human beings talking loudly for some reason that puts them right to bed or maybe our pod just is boring. Maybe it's an Italian cat. The yelling. They do a lot of yelling. The shouting. Hey, you fucking pizon piece of shit.

Well, hit my wife. Hey, the marinara. Yeah, baloney. There's a, if you, I don't know if you can hear it. You must be able to hear it. There's a dump truck or a garbage truck sitting downstairs idling. I don't know what they're doing down there, but it's a goddamn nightmare. It's been here for about a half hour. We tried to wait it out, but we had to record. I mean, we got places to be and kids to fuck. So this is, I hope it will end at some point. I think they're, they're dropping off our act. Well, here it is. It's the impermanence of life. Everything ends. You know, you got that right. We're both going to die. Isn't that sad? Yeah, but you know, I'm aware. It's better than if we didn't, of course, but they say that

they know if you were morally, you know, look at groundhog day. You try to jump off a roof or swim with a toaster. Yeah. The cat is getting to me. Wow. The cat didn't even wake the cat up with that big old honker there. I got to say, I think your cat's got some problems. Oh yeah. He's clearly racist and I think maybe a homophobe, but he's a twitcher. He always wonder what is he dreaming about? He doesn't know about anything. He's not dreaming about Freddie Krueger or, or Puerto Ricans. He's, what's in that noggin? Well, those are called nightmares, but the cat is sleeping with its head up. It's nodding one arm or paw. The hoof is under him. He's got like one paw normal and then one underneath. Yeah. Like he's doing

armpit farts. Yeah. And then he's asleep and its head is jerking, but his head is up. I know. He's like a, like a pill head alcoholic weirdo. He's, he's, he's like an old man at a deli. He's just nodding. He's a junkie. You got a junkie cat. I got a junkie cat, junk yard cat. And the, and the whiskers are just out of control. Don't you snip those or having a bad week. You're not supposed to snip the whisk because they're, they're like the equal, not the, the EQ. They tell you, they let you know where you're at. Equilibrium. Thank you. By the way, it's like a fucking joke out here. This ambulance is, this, this, you know, minorities fighting. There's a dump truck. There's a roller coaster. It's, it's like a sound effects board

out there. They got a little everything. Hit the, hit the siren. There you go. That was a big thing when I was a kid with sound effects. There was that one kid who had that little device and it had a fart. It had a sneeze, it had a cough, it had a quiff, it had an N word. It was, it had all the good ones. Fun device. I mean, it's kind of like the Ferris Bueller. Yes. What is that? Buck? That sounds right. Is that chopsticks? No, that's Asian. Yeah, that must have been, I couldn't think of it. What's the cellist

name? Yo, yo, ma. That must have been yo, yo, ma wrote chopsticks. All right, folks. He's good. I hear he's like the greatest. Everybody says him and Philip Glass, people like. Well, Glass is piano, I believe. Oh, he's got the one. They're mostly wood. No, piano came out to, the projimp came out to the Philip Glass piece for a while. It was very fun. Hittiest. You ever give him a goog to look at it through fingers because that guy looks like the devil. There's a lot of glasses. Ira Glass, Todd Glass. I'm wearing glasses. Philip Glass. Stain Glass. Yeah. Blow Glass. Hey, if you blow Ira Glass, you're blowing Glass.

Oh yeah, he's a Glass Blower. Well, he blows himself. Well, you're a Glass Blower. If I blow him. Right. There we go. I don't know about Ira Glass, but I know he's like, he's nice. He's on NPR or something. I think he's a nerd. Cute glasses, PBS. I'm sure he hates us. Todd Glass is like the funniest person on earth. Nobody funnier than TG. There's a video, my go to video. Gee, I think I've teared my hog down or something. They're crunching it. It's wild out here. Yeah. God, I live on a lane. You can't put a garbage truck down a lane. Well, what did I just hear about? I want to go back to what I was just talking about.

Todd Glass, Philip Glass, Ira Glass, blowing Glass. Memory Lane has a lane in it. Isn't that fun? Memory Lane. Memory Elaine. How about this? Sarah just told me this. There was a sketch group. This is like 20 years ago, a women's improv group, which is the least funny thing I could think of. They were called ready for this. I think you're gonna get a shit blood all over my face. You're building it up a little there. I'm not afraid of the buildup. Oh, boy. I will build up and it's gonna stay up. All right. Easy with the high. I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna

spackle bricks a mile high and they're gonna stay there and you're gonna say, hey, I'm gonna get up on the top of the building. The opposite of a Miami condo. Okay. So a women improv group called ovary action. Overreaction. Wow. That is incredible. Well, just quit the group because you're not gonna beat that. I mean, that's the best thing I've ever heard. Overreaction. I love it. Overreaction. Overreaction. I mean, that is like brilliant. That might be the most brilliant thing you ever come up with. Brilliant. I don't know if they're alive or around. They should be doing writing. I mean, their improv, I'm sure, is horrific, but that is genius.

Overreaction. Overreaction. Overreaction. Yes. Great. Wow. Who came up? I would never stop jerking myself off if I came up with that. I know. I'd be high five and I'd be walking up to people and go, you know, I'm the overreaction guy. Of course. That's lunch. I mean, you can't live up to that name because it's too good. The show is gonna tank. That's why we went shitty name. Tuesdays with stories. Who cares? We don't know about Mitch Album. I don't ever bought an album. I hate whatever. My album's not doing well. It's all uphill from here with Tuesdays with stories. Exactly. Great show, whatever title. It was almost called What'd You Do This Weekend, if you recall. That's a little long. That was, we contemplated that.

Yeah. Yeah. What'd you do this weekend? Yeah, we would have had, it would have been kitschy. It's got a ring to it, but Tuesdays is the cement is dried. And it's short. Now we own a day. Yes. We're Tuesdays. You got that right. I wonder if there's people at home going, they're saying the title. You know, when you watch a movie, they go, well, it is Independence Day. And they go, that's the name of it. Oh, the title reveal. I talk about it often, but the worst one is Gone Baby Gone. Oh, do they do it in that? Yeah. The guy's name is Cheese, the gangster. He's like a Haitian gangster named Cheese for some reason. And he leans in and he's like, you keep fucking with me.

You'll be gone, baby. Gone. And he looks in the camera and winks and everybody boos. Speaking of Cheese, I'm lactose. That is no good. You're ruining it. They're cheesy. Great. Great movie. Other side from the Gone Baby Gone part. Yeah. Yeah. The cat is really like spazzing out. It's having like a, what do you call those? Like the DTs. Yeah. It's like a heroin nod. I mean, it's really not well. She looks like she'd be on the Bronx Expressway asking for change. Whoa. Whoa. See, it hurt one thing in Connecticut and popped up. The cat's got, it's sniffing. Oh, it smells. It smells something. It smells a Jew. Something's up. Maybe you should cross your legs. Hey, that's you. Bless you. What do you think about this idea?

Is this funny? Please. Trash, no matter what you put in the trash, it ends up smelling like trash. Sure. Same as a pussy. Oh. You could put a million dicks in there. It smells like a pussy. That's true. I fucked my lady today and now my dick smells like her veg. Yeah. But it's like, it doesn't bad. Your pussy doesn't, her pussy doesn't smell like your dick. It smells like a pussy. Well, you're going in. You're going in the trash. You're going in the puss. I bet if you went in my asshole, it would smell like my asshole. That's true. But what I'm saying is, well, the trash one makes more sense because it could be different contents. Like, trash has a smell. Yes. If I say it smells like trash. Yes. You have an idea of what the trash

smells like. Yeah. But the trash from Chipotle and the trash from, you know, a movie theater and the trash from a comedy club. It all smells like trash. Right. And pussy smells like pussy. I hear you and I smell you, but I think there are different trash scents. That makes sense. I know the trash smell. If I walk into my house and I go, this smells like garbage. Right. It smells like trash. But I bet if you, same with a puss, a pussy has a smell. Something smells like trash. But a pussy has a smell, but there are different kinds. I bet if you got a Haitian lady, a Mexican, and a Norwegian, they might have a different hint. So there's degree. There's hints. There's hints. There's pussy hints. But it's all under the pussy

trash umbrella, but there's hints of pussy and trash. A pussy trash umbrella. That's a fine product. And a horrible band. A big, you know, pink thing flaps open and like a bag goes flying out and it stops the rain. That was the original name for over easy or over action was a pussy trash umbrella, but they, they nixed it. I like pussy trash umbrella. I don't mind it either. P. T. U. Barnum. How about Anderson? How about these people that say waste basket? You ever hear that? Get out of town. The waste basket. What are you from the 40s? I know. I don't like it. I take what people say. Oh, where's the washroom? All right. You lie me. Kill yourself. Can you do it? Yeah. These canucks. They got these weird little term. Where's the,

where's the tire? It's in the boot. Tires in the boot. The boot is a trunk in England. Oh, yeah. Just saying. It's in the boot and they call the cigarette a fag and they call the washer machine. No, the washing room is a loo. Oh yes. The bathroom is a loo. The bathroom is the loo. I see. Yeah, they're fun over there. I don't know about fun. The teeth are a problem, but hey, I don't mind it. To me, it's anal. I guess it makes them unique if you ask me. But anyways, well, when in Rome, but yeah, I wonder if you went to England if they would go guys got normal teeth. Yeah. I think I would flourish. Plus, I got a Ted Baker on. I think I could do well there. People always say you could do well. We like long, boring, shitty stories,

weird teeth, the herpes forehead. I think I would do well. I could put on a Ted Baker. Sure. And go around. My teeth are a little more normal there and, you know, tall. And you see them, you're like Eric Estrada. You got a little color. They're all pasty pink and honky out there. Yeah. I think I'd do all right. I think England might be a thing. Like if you ever got like, what do you call that with the with the Red Scare? Red Scare. You know, you got ostracized from Hollywood. What do you call that with the canceled? No, the Russians, the communists. Black listed. Thank you. I got confused with the red and the black, which is a horrible bet on roulette. But yeah, if you got blacklisted, you can go live in England and clean up. I might get blacklisted. Who knows? That's

true. That's true. Big stuff coming up. Hey, that'd be a good name for a guy, you and blackface, blacklist. Blacklist. Well, that's how you get blacklisted. Jesus, there's so many layers to this. I know. We're honest. The cat has a, what do you call that? A cowlick. A cowlick. You got it. Well, I know it's shit. You don't know it. You know shit. I don't know it. We're both gay. Catholic. My dad's a Catholic. All right. We're having fun, folks. I got stories, by the way. Oh, that's the name of the show. I mean, we're 75 minutes in here. I got a whole slew of stuff. Oh, great. Well, I got a piss in the slew in a minute. So lay it on me here. What do you got? What do you say? Well, who do you know? What do you do? Well, these are premises. I got to get

out of the premises. Where's the podcast? We don't want that shit premise. We want some real Here we go. Oh my God. It's all seen here now. Music festival. I went to the music festival. I go every year. Now, I got to be careful. Sure. Not to just talk about greatest because that's going to be a repeat episode from September of the year before and September of the year before that. Oh, you're three years in. This is the, well, third festival, but fourth year because last year is COVID morbidities, which doesn't at all feel silly now. We're there. There's 35,000 people. I shouldn't talk about it yet because what if I got COVID? Yeah. I'll feel like an asshole because I'll be like, who gives a shit? There was 35,000 people. I'm fine, but

four days from now I might lose a longer whatever happens. Chris Rock got COVID. You see that? I heard about that. Yeah. It's in the news. I don't know how. Was it okay? Yeah. He said, he wrote a public statement like, you don't want this shit. This shit sucks. I'm going through hell, but I think he's just sick. Oh, Jesus. I hate hearing that. I know. I know because you think we keep pulling out of it. You go to a concert. You see these football games in Alabama. It's like eight million people hooting and hollering, no mask in sight, no tampa, nothing. And they're living it up. But I thought the vaccine made it not too bad. That's what I said. And then they go, well, you got to get the booster. And I'm like, well, what are we doing here then? We're just

going to keep getting the boost till the, uh, I'll get a boost. Shut the boost in my ass. I don't care. I had fun. I enjoyed getting the vaccine. It was fun. It's a good time. Brings you together, but I don't know. He's not even fat. It's all very straight. Everybody's different. Rogan kicked it today. I know, but rock is old. Well, Rogan's 58 or whatever. Yeah, I think he's older. Is he older? I don't know if he's older than rock. Rock is around segregation, I think. Who the hell knows? Got to be around the same, but whatever. Anyway, hopefully he's all right, but he won't die because of the vaccine, I guess. And he's rich. Yes. Good point. I'm rich. There's a white one-legged bus boy right now that wouldn't trade places with my black ass. I'm like, if I was, I would.

That was a white one-legged bus boy. I would trade plays with you in a second, but neither here nor there. Yeah. What are you going to do? But I hope he feels better. Get better there, uh, Chris. Yeah, Chris. Well, this truck is insane. I know. It's so bad. You know, right when we push the pause and finish it, they're going to go, all right, we're good. I know. Anyways, I went down to see here now, festival, Asbury park, which I love the Jersey Shore, getting all these comments like just move there already. We're looking at houses. We got Zillow. We're going over there. I can't afford a house. I'll never pull the trigger. I'm gonna fucking do it. It'll happen. I mean, I could, but then you go down there and you drive back and you're like,

what am I going to do? I'm going to live in fucking New Jersey, but the beach, Jerry. I mean, I walk out of the house. The ocean is just there. It's fast. It heals. I'm not against it. We have this fear of leaving Manhattan and that our lives are going to fizzle away and crumble. I don't know. You come back in. It's a 20 minute ride. It's like two hours. That's crazy. But traffic is a whole thing. We'll never see you again. But anyways, we go down there. We stay in Manusquon and all these towns are just beautiful. I just love the Jersey Shore. It's spectacular. It's so town. I long. Love a town. For the town. You park in the driveway. There's a little shop. Hey, what do you want? Give me a smoothie. They're all friendly, although they're not that

friendly. They're kind of assholes. Well, they hate the Touri out there. You know, they sell these. What do they call them? They call them eddies. No, Nettie. They got as a term for it. It's like Newark, Edison, something. They got a name. It's an alliteration. No. An acronym. Acronym. Acron, Ohio. Yes. So it's an acronym, but they hate them. Well, whatever. I go down there. Some of them are a little, you know, there's a lot of that, like Yankee, the open Yankee Jersey, and there's a lot of that prefacing things. Let me tell you this. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. The Waps. The Guineas. Here's the thing. All right there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sure. There you go. I know I'm going to lose the whole audience,

but I just see a Yankee logo and I'm like, ah, here's an asshole. I really do. I'm sorry. I'm a piece of shit. Shoot me in the face. I'm winning over half the people on the planet and the other people. Well, if you live in, if you don't live in New York, it's even weirder. Like, I get, all right. Like, you know, Sam Aril, Yanis Papas, they grew up in the city of New York. This is here in another state. Well, Jersey, they got New York. If you go south enough, it's the Phillies, but there's something about that. One logo. The Knicks, it doesn't happen. It's just a Yankee logo. Hey, look at this guy. Hey, the rings. Ah, shut up. You're a fucking goof. Jeter. Hey, A-Rod's got herpes. Yeah, nobody gave me. Really? Yeah. Fun fact. Yeah, I think he gave it to you.

Anyways, so how was the Fest? Fest was amazing. Perfect weather. Don't you love perfect weather? You can't beat the PW. I mean, 78, sunny, no clouds, blue sky. So I go, what, Mantisquan is way far away from, uh, Asbury Park. It's like nine miles. So I'm like, we can't walk. It's too much. And so I go, I'm going to rent bikes. So I call a bike shop. It just says bicycle store or whatever. And I say, Hey, do you rent bikes? And it's one of these things. The guy, I ended up in a full conversation. The guy goes, I do, uh, you come over, whatever, whatever. And he goes, but not taking them to the festival. Are you? Uh-oh. And I go, uh, yeah, I was gonna, he goes, well, you gotta be careful. You can't, I don't want you doing that. First of

all, don't you find already, I'm like, I'm renting the bike. Money, business, transaction, we're done here. It's my bike. Exactly. I can, I can put it on a truck and drive in the ocean as long as I return it. I don't get it. Yeah. And you got my info. So if I break it or don't bring it back, you, you charge me. I don't understand. I'm like, how could you tell me where I could drive? I don't like that. See, that's the small town shit that starts creeping up. I know. It's a small town creep. And so he goes, you can't take it down there. And he goes, Asbury Park is the bad part of town. It's going to get stolen, which I have to say, I don't want to be a woke ass, whatever, but attentive racism there. I have to say, I'm like, is Asbury non white? I mean,

this is a mixture. It's blacker than man a squad. And that's for sure. Or it's more minorities or whatever. I don't know what the right fucking term is. Sure. Sure. I don't want to step on any assholes, but it just felt like, what if he's had this problem happen multiple times? I guess. But I'm like, it's one of these things where like he assumes I'm a tourist, I guess, but I'm like, I've spent years on, you know, Jersey Shore. Don't get me wrong. A couple blocks away from the boardwalk in Asbury Park is shady as fuck. Oh yeah. Terrified. You got that right. So in Manusquan is a rich nice air. You got Lake Como and Spring Lake. These are like billionaire, fucking huge houses. Oh yeah. Lake Como touched me. So I understand what he's driving at. It just

felt like, I bet my banks can be fine. Okay. But I go, all right. So quick thinking. I go, I got a friend who lives in Ocean Grove, which is true. Ashley Brooke Roberts lives there, but I don't, we're not planning on going to her house or anything, but I go, I'm going to put it at my friend's house. Nah, we're lying. She's got a house. I like it. I'm going to drop it there. And he goes, all right, oh, she grow. That's not bad. Okay. Okay. If you're going to drop an ocean growth, but he goes, my dad runs the shop. Don't mention it to him because he hates Asbury Park. And so I'm getting this feel about the Asbury Park. I'm going to go, all right. Meanwhile, it's a cut. There's 35,000 people going. I'm like, I don't think there's going to be a lot of bike

robberies at the 35,000. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm an asshole. I do know of people who go to these things too steel. It's, it's, it's sitting ducks. Sure. I guess I'm not saying there's no crime. I'm just saying, what are the chances? Okay. I'm saying, if I take this fucking bike to Asbury Park during the festival, now don't get me wrong. There's different parts of Asbury Park. Oh yeah. If I go seven blocks off the beach and park it in an alley, it's gone. So I might take it, but I'm like, you think, first of all, there's like beach cruisers with a lock on it. Okay. And I'm like, so you're sure there's more than likely some thug is going to come with fucking wire cutters and chop off the thing and take these two fucking $25 beach cruisers at a concert that has 30,000

people at it, lit up cops everywhere. All right. All right. But, but you lied to the guy and you got it anyway. But I say, okay, I'm going to drop an ocean grove and we did decide we'll leave it in an ocean grove. Is that better? It's a real Catholic fuck, whatever the hell they are. They're Christian, whatever the bullshit. Anglo, what is it a wasp? I don't know what's going. It's a weird town. I don't know if you've ever been. It's cookie. Yeah. So I go to the bike store and I go, yep, yep. And the dad's there and he's sitting in the back like this, really skeptical. And I go, don't worry, go to ocean grove. Got a friend. I'm going to put it in the garage. Okay. All right. Like I said, give me the lock. We ride up there. Of course, we're not going to the friend's house. We do lock

in an ocean grove though. We find a bike. Okay. Okay. That's fair. Click it on there. Walk from ocean grove. And as I expected, we walk into Asbury Park. Thousands of bikes. Everybody rode their bike. I'm the one asshole being Sarah, the two assholes that parked an ocean grove. How far is ocean grove? It's one beach up. So it's like a 15 minute walk. All right. We leave the concert. Great concert. We went and saw Dr. Dogg was doing their last tour. What? You saw Dr. D? Seventh Dr. Dogg show. Never disappoints. Oh, I love a duck. But this is a long story. So I got to pick up the pace. Sorry. Sorry. So I feel bad. I'm hogging. So we go to Dr. Dogg. We get up there. We get up to the front because there's three stages. So you can decide who you want to see. We get up there.

We're about 10 rows back. They come out. Killer show in the middle of the show. This guy over here. Faints. Big goof. Looks like me, but goofier if you can imagine. Wow. Like the cat just out. Yes. He looked like it was like a Michael Jackson show in the 80s. He was like, oh, wow. Like a Beatles fan. Oh, it was so bad. And then he gets up and like falls again. What? Falls down. And so the whole crowd, we all band together and we go, we start waving and like pointing and then they stop a song, mid song. And the guy's like, Hey, we got something going on here. Did you fans? Everybody all right? We go, he's not all right. Stop the show. Get them out of here. What? They stopped the show? Stop the show. Mid song. Then the big security guy like hoists them up like fireman carries them.

Wow. Like up over the fence. They toss them over the fence. You just see like a dead blanky body flying to the pit. Wow. They just put them in the dumpster and move on. They just toss them in and then they go, he's in good hands. Let's pick it up. Two, three, four. They go back into the song. We all celebrate. Then a couple gets engaged right behind us. I thought they were going to fuck is like two chunky folks. They're like humping and kissing. She's sobbing, crying. Oh, I love chunky sob. It made me jealous. My wife was like, all right, I'll marry you. You fucking herpy and festered idiot. I got no sob. No sob. This is a sob car, by the way. Yeah, it is. So they cry, they make out. It's exciting. He goes, did you guys just get engaged? Everyone cheers.

Great show. Now Patty Smith was on right before them. She started late and went long. So they start late. They go, we got time for one more. They're playing their last song. It's their last tour ever. Ever. Last song, 20,000 people. They cut the sound on them. What? Cut the sound on Dr. Dog. What? They went to canine medical school, these guys. Oh. They cut the sound, but you can still hear them. They don't know because their monitors are working. So they're just whaling. They're like whaling and jumping up and down. For a while, we're going crazy because we thought it was like a trick. We thought they were doing like a little bit after now. They were doing that. Ironically, it's like a dog whistle. So the crowd slowly goes, goes, what the fuck is this?

And they're like dancing and really it's their last number. You're like, am I deaf? They're jumping up and down and dancing. And then they do like a big good night, everybody. They're waving. And we're all like, ah, shit. And I'm like, somebody has to tell them, they're going to, I feel so bad for them. I still feel bad. That's kind of embarrassing. They're going to walk up stage and be like, you know, your mic wasn't even on. They're like, what's that? So who let the dogs out? So then the concert and great pearl jam, by the way, headlines, of course, hadn't seen Pearl Jam in three years. I was at their last show. They were supposed to go on a big tour last year. Got canceled because of COVID. The last show they

did was in 2018 at Fenway. Of course I was there. Wow. First show back. I'm there. We went crazy. I cried. I'm an asshole. I jumped up and down. I queef. This is quite a, quite a dance card. We got Dr. D. You got the, the lady who went long, the white whore, and then the, the, the pearl and the pearl jam. I mean, just a special night. I don't want to spend too much time on it, but it was special spiritual. I'm gay. The moon is up. The sun is down. My father's gay. Black is white. Great show. Wrong is right. All right. Sorry. Sorry. Black is white. All right. Anyway, so the show is great. So then we go, all right, we got our bikes waiting. We walk out. Every single person has a bike parked in Asbury Park. Totally safe. No problem. Just like stacks and stacks,

thousands of bikes. We look like idiots. We just walk and walk. We're literally, there's 400 people in bikes around us. And we're just the only assholes walking because we parked our bikes in ocean grove because we're fucking, we were afraid of the guy. Yep. Yep. We get there to ocean grove, two bikes, literally two bikes only. Okay. No steal. Okay. Bikes are fine. They're the only two bikes there. We look like idiots because they're like, why did you park? People are like, what did you do? You parked in ocean grove? I'm like, I don't know. The guy said they're going to get stolen because there's three black people in this town. I'm sorry. You got the clan hood bike. So we're parked there. So unlock the bike, ride back, beautiful ride,

full moon. We're lit up by the moon. It's Sarah and I 45 minute bike ride. Still buzzing from the Pearl Jam show. The doctor dog, the whole thing. Can she buzz? Does she buzz? What do you mean buzz? Is she buzzing? He said you're buzzing from the show. Oh, she's buzzing. She rocks out. We rocked together. We saw Billy Idol the next night. That was amazing. We went crazy. It was so fun. Go see Billy Idol if you had the chance. Steve Stevens is the guitarist. He wrote the top gun theme. He cranked that out in the middle. Wow. Ice man. Unbelievable. Goose. You're dangerous. So we ride back. We get home the next morning. Ashley Brooke comes over. We have a nice time. We go to return the bikes and I'm like, this is perfect because she's the friend that I was referencing. Ashley

Brooke Roberts, funny comedian. Check her out. Great video stuff with Sarah. So we go. The three of us. I'm like, come in because you'll be the friend whose house. I'll say, Hey, here's my friend. I told you I got a friend. Solidify the lie. So with the three of us walk in to return the bikes, the kids there, he goes, Hey, I was at the show because he was going to the show too. And he goes, how great was that show? He's like, it's a little crowded. I go, yeah, it was a little crowded. Anyways, here's my friend from Ocean Grove. You got that right. He goes, I saw the bikes. I go, what's that? And he goes, I saw the bikes. It was so cool. My girlfriend and I said, those are the bikes we rented. And I was like, Oh, yeah. Well, her father was there and he doesn't

like bikes. We couldn't park it at her house the way you had him on a rack. I got busted in the lie. I was on a bike ride and he told you, you should never lie. I don't want you to do a lie. And he's just like, yeah, yeah, I saw them. They were parking at the bike rack. Meanwhile, I'm like, here's the friend. I told you, I got the friend. And so I had to quickly be like, well, they wouldn't let us keep the bike there. This guy's a real son of a bitch. He hates bikes. His father is killed by bikes. Patrolling Jersey, looking for his own cycles. And then the dad is sitting in the same chair, same outfit. He hasn't moved or blinked. He's still sitting like this. He's like, you better not be near Asbury Park, son of a

bitch. Fuck these clan hoods. Fuck these bike queefs. I hate them. I got my cycle, but I got caught in a lie. Anyways, it was fun. Great night. I got more, but I got to move on. We got to do a couple of ads. I got to toss it over to you. I thought you were going to say got stolen. I was about to, you know, join into the proud boys. No, no, it didn't get stolen. But he did see it. I got caught in a lie and literally were the only ones that parked an ocean grove. I mean, what is this? Tuesdays, you go. Oh, whatever. I got one here. Tuesdays, the story is sponsored by better help. Oh, you got that right. What's standing the way of achieving your goals? Figure it out with better help. I go to therapy. You go to therapy. Same therapist, Alan Lefkowitz.

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Had a wacky week. This is what's great about comedy. It's completely unpredictable. You never know what's gonna happen. So this guy emails me and I'm an open-minded cum stain. I'll take you got an idea. I'll listen. Oh, I'm not that way. Oh yeah. I'm a sponge. I'll just soak it up. So I get all these emails all the time like, hey, you want to blow me? Hey, you want to drive me around? Hey, you want me to change your oil or whatever it is? And I go, yeah, sure. Why not? I'll do all those things at the same day. But this guy goes, hey, I'm putting together a film festival. We want a little entertainment. I'm kind of a comic. My name's Joe. I am a, I don't know, I said kind of a comic. But he's a comic and he's like, I like your stuff. Will you come here and

do 30 minutes at my film festival? Oh, fun. And I said, what's the date? Where is it? And how much money? And he said all those things. And I said, I'll be there. So I already forgot the name of the fest. But the guy's name was Joe. And I went to this fest in Nashville. They put me up at the hotel. The festival is held in. Oh, I love a festival. I love it. Any kind of festival I'm in. Lanyards, you know, open bar, free food, everybody's dressed up as a buzz. Love a buzz. Love that fest. So I get, it's a movie fest. So they're like, what movie are you going to see? And they got popcorn popping everywhere. And they got the milk duds and the jujus and the real juice. The jujus run the biz. You got that right. And the weather. So it's just a fun thing. And I'm in the hotel.

It's always nice when you go down the lobby and there's all this shit. And you're like, I can go right into my room, take a shit, come back down and I'm back in it. I love being where the thing is. Yes. And it was a sexy, it was a virgin hotel, like the airline. Oh, I think that's Branson. Is that Richard Branson? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. He's good. Nice guy. I think he wants space at one point. Either way, he didn't go to space. I thought he did go to space. He went to spend Neil deGrasse Tyson said he didn't go to space as bullshit space, but the sky was black. So that's space. I don't get it. Yeah. Yeah. Neil's black. I don't know. It's all confusing. Either way, I need some space, but my space. So, uh, space cadet. So I go, I meet this guy,

Joe. He's the sweetest, sweetest guy ever. We chop it up a little bit. He's like, all right, I'm going to go up, do a little bullshit. We're going to play a trailer that I'm going to bring you up. And I'm like, all right, and you're already just, just expecting failure. You know, these corporate things or anything outside of a comedy club or a theater or a comedy fest is kind of a suicide. Agreed. Yeah. So, but he's cool. He gets it. And I'm just like, all right, I got to do 30 minutes, 30 minutes has to pass. I have my watch on. I'll just knock it out. I got material. We'll see what happens. So get this, the movie that plays before me, the trailer is like a movie about the, uh, what's that? Black Wall Street. Black Wall Street. Worse than the Holocaust. Black

Wall Street was this thing. I think it's in Oklahoma where all these black people are like self-reliant and built businesses. Oh, they're CNN advertisers for that. It's a CNN thing. Yeah. It may be. I don't know. I think it's CNN films. It ain't Fox News. I'll tell you that. But, uh, so this guy's got like his handsome black guy with dreadlocks dressed to the nines. He goes up to talk about it and he goes, uh, sir, and he picks the whitest, most golf playing, polo shirt, yacht owning guy in the, in the crowd. And he goes, what do you know about Black Wall Street? And the guy's like, uh, I don't know. Something about, they killed some black people. And it just, it looked bad. And he just kind of like said, this is what it is. It's okay.

Da, da, da. Then he goes, lady, what do you know about black? And, and it's just the most awkward, racial, weirdness, tension, brutal. This reminds me of Wolfville Wall Street when he's like, sell me this pen. Yes. Yes. He was selling a pen. It was selling a person. A big pen. Yeah. Black pen. But, uh, penitentiary. But either way, it was just like this awkward, just cut the tension with a knife. These poor, these poor white people are just like, okay, sir, we're evil. Thank you. Stop prying. We got it. And the guy wasn't a bad guy, but it was still, no matter how you try to slice it, that is a tough spot. Yeah. That doesn't sound great. So he does that whole thing and he talks about it and they go, this is Jedidiah or Clancy or whatever the fuck. So this kid comes house,

young black kid, he's wearing like the garb of the time and they go, he was lynched and da, da, da, da, doo. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm on next. First of all, I hate theater. Yeah. I hate the thing when we dress up a guy, pretend he's a guy, any of that interactive theater shit. I mean, Black Wall Street is this horrific event. I get it and it's horrible, but like, what are we doing to the, this audience didn't, didn't do anything. And this black kid is just standing there with the weird twenties outfit on with a little, little paper boy hat and you're like, all right, he got lit. What are we doing here? Well, and they're coming to see the film. I know. They're sympathetic to the thing. Exactly. Exactly. So that ends and I'm like, oh God, I'm next. And you know,

you're always looking around the room. What can I riff on? What can I, you know, what can I talk about? How am I going to cut this tension? So they bring me right up and I go, fuck it. I'm putting my feet on the little stairs of the stage and I go, fuck it. I'm talking about that. Sure. Cause what, I mean, what, I can't get fired now. I'm already here. I guess like good. But I go up and I go, that was brutal, huh? Every white person in here was shitting blood. That was insane. Holy shit. And they're like, they're going crazy because it was so apparent. I mean, it was, it had to be said. It had to be acknowledged. Yeah. I mean, I mean, that's the ideal comedy situation in some ways because in comedy, you got to get them to relate and of

course they all just experienced it. Exactly. If you go up and do a bit about your ass cheeks, they're like, I don't know about your ass cheeks. But if you're like, that was awkward, they're like, of course it was awkward. And it is the essence of comedy is, is ice breaking. It is like getting to the truth or whatever you want to call it. But it was exactly perfect. This thing I thought was going to fuck me. You could spin it in the gold and I got like six minutes out of it and maybe five. But then, then I go into my act and now I'm a hero and I fucking ripped. And I got all, I'm getting high five. I got four business cards like it was 1995. Wow. I love a business card. Love a business card. I throw them all in the garbage. I pick

my teeth with them. But still it's a nice gesture and it just was one of those like comedy lessons of like, just do your thing, be yourself. And I was thinking of Norm. I hate to bring it back to him. I was thinking of Norm. He would have done that. I was thinking of him at the Espeys, him at the correspondence dinner, him at the whatever. We can update, just do your thing, do what you think is funny. Fuck them. And I like to picture another audience watching me bomb. They would be laughing. Right. You know, so like every awkward horrible gig I have, I picture the real audience in my mind or imagination going, this is fucking great. And that helps me get through it because this is, it's so scary to bomb in the middle of nowhere for these strangers. But

it went great. Did some dark humor, got off, met the black guy, met the lady, met the white guy, just had a great time. Then they go, we're all getting on a bus to go have dinner. We'd like you to go with us. Wow. And if, of course you're like, well, I don't want to go, but I'll go. Because otherwise I'm just going to sit in my room and drink myself to death and jerk off till I bleed. So I went, we all get in a charter bus. We go to this dinner. Beautiful dinner. Unbelievable restaurant in Nashville, like waiter, boat tie, the whole thing. And I sat with a, it was like a wedding where you just sit with random people. I learned a lot. Really? Well, it's so fascinating because you leave New York,

we're all in this bubble. You leave New York, you leave LA, you leave Austin, you leave Florida. Everybody has this ecosystem around them. I'm in Austin. One guy goes, you go to church today? And I go, what? Church. No. I bombed a church once. What the hell do I know about church? And he goes, you don't believe in God? I'm like, no. He's like, oh my God. He's like, you got to read this book. Normal looking guy. Just a regular guy in a black t-shirt. I was like, you don't go to, and I was like, this is hipster girl next to him. I'm like, you don't go to church. He's got a shaved head. She's like, oh, I went twice yesterday. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? But it's Tennessee. Right. Well, it's fascinating.

Did you say Austin at one point? I got confused. Oh, sorry, Nashville. I said Austin at one point, like we're on a bubble. Every city's in their little bubble. I see. I thought you switched cities. I got confused. Sorry, sorry. So Nashville, everyone's in church. Is that what you learned? Well, that was just, it was, and then I had a gay guy to my right who was like, I don't go to church. He's like, the church hates the gays and all that. Like, no, you're accepted now. And then he was like, ah, and he's like, I have a gun. And the gay guy's like, I don't have a gun. He's like, you got to get a gun. And it was just, it was fun to be around people

who were different. And you know, gays and guns, they go together. I love these, you need a gun people. So far, so good with no gun. Well, either way, great talk. No one's fighting. No one's yelling at each other. I feel like all everything is so divided. It's left for his right. It's black for his white. It's rich for his poor. It's men for his women. This was gay guy, no gun homophobic guy with the gun and God, no God. Amazing. Just a great dinner, fucking veal and ice cream and drinks galore. And I wish that a great night. No, life is good. You put the people together. They all get along. It's fine. You find the common thing. I just had this big experience. We had a big, you know,

Republican, conservative, whatever he is, right wing guy, anti-vax, the whole thing. We had a great time. It was the time of my life. Everybody loved it. People and people. And he goes, I think the van, I think it's all overblown. You go, ah, that's good. I don't think so. All right, great. Ah, you're fired. Who wants a chicken sandwich? And then you all have dinner to get. We should be breaking bread together and fucking in the ass. Yes. By the way, is it too dark in here? It's a little dark, right? These two died on me. This isn't on. This isn't on. It's nighttime. I feel like no one can see us. Let me take a peek. Take a peek. I'll peek and see if I can see you. You poke, I'll peek, but I'll keep talking.

What do you think? Hey, hey, mom, how are you there? Huh? No, my mom does not watch. She hates everything I've ever done, but oh my God. Either way, just a great night and a great little, just a little slice of life. I live in New York City. I'm going to Florida the next day, but just one little blip. I'm in Nashville, half drunk, soaking it up with these weirdos, and we had a great time. And I went back and fell asleep and watched a million norm videos and then flew to Florida. I love a blip. And I think there should be more mending of the fences. Have some big dinners. Everyone gets together. Yes. And then a nice location where we can all, like again, like I'm up in Lake Joy. It was swimming in the lake and

looking at the mountain. Everybody's like, this is beautiful. Life is great and beautiful. Yes. You know what I saw yesterday that blew my mind? I was walking down Second Avenue in the East Village. You know, it's NYU kids and the bars and all that. I walked past and it made my heart flutter. Yeah, flutter. And I was like, it was a table of four, you know, 19, 20 year old, whatever, early 20s. Gross. They're playing poker with playing cards. No phone. No, no, they all had a couple of beers and they're just doing this shit. Oh, what do you got any twos or whatever the hell that game is. And I was like, I haven't seen that since 1998. Well, I actually think the young people are on their phone less. I think you're right. They see their parents.

Everyone always talks about youngs, millennials, Z's, Zebras, whatever the fuck they generate. Z's yeah. I don't know. Zebra, Zea what's that guy? Nissan, Z-Car. I don't know. I can't keep up. But whatever it is, I think they're like, fuck these idiots. I always see these middle age people at the back of the room looking at their phones. It's all older people are also on their phones. Sure. I think the young kids, the real young kids are like, that's all bullsh**t. We want to go back and it becomes exciting. Yes. To be not on your phone and I think we're going to be okay. I hope so. I like these young kids because they got to go, you know, the guy with the he, him. They see that and they go, that's my dad. So I'm not doing that sh**t. Right. And

good, good. Just do your thing, whipper snapper. I think we'll be fine. By the way, we have one more thing. Oh sh**t. How long are we going here? Don't forget. All right. All right. We got a little time. We got one more sponsor. Yeah. Do we live a pause or what do we do? No, no. I just roll through it. Oh, all right. Hell. Oh, I see. Tuesday's Stories is also brought to you by Lucy Nicotine Gum. Smoking is very difficult to quit, right? It's the hardest thing to quit in the world. I mean, people, they throw up blood, they sh**t themselves when they try to quit and they go back and they relapse. Yes. Very hard. So Lucy Gum came around. They were founded by Caltech scientists, former smokers who want to help other people quit. They set out to create a better and

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Use promo code Tuesdays at checkout. Here's the legal mumbo jumbo warning. This product contains nicotine derived from tobacco. Nicotine is an addictive chemical, but you already knew that. So get 20% off at lucy.co with promo code Tuesdays. Thank you. Get on it and quit those sags. All right. Take us home. I'll just say I was in West Palm Beach. It was awesome. We sold out some shows. We got drunk. We went to the beach. We lived it up. Florida's fun. Got the hell out. Hit me. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's great. I'm excited to be back on the road. I'm in Philly this weekend and then the weekend after that Royal Oak weekend after that bananas. I haven't done the road hard in a while. I haven't done the road at all. Salt Lake City. So fun club bananas isn't the best club

ever, but at least you can drive there. Exactly. In and out, drive down, come back, whatever, Jersey. You know, I love you, New Jersey. Oh, yeah. Get a fucking rental bike and get it stolen. Yeah. So festival was great. Oh, fuck. What did I do here? Press some weird button. There you go. So I got a couple other fun festival moments. I get I order the tickets and advance and you know me. I'm a little wacky with money. Sometimes I get compulsive. So I buy stuff and I go, fuck it. Let's just go. Yeah. And so I got passes. They send you wristbands. And then in the package for the wristbands, there was two like laminates, like a like a thing. Remember the baseball cards that you move? They're like motiony hologram. He goes, yeah, like that. Yes. It's not that great.

So they sent a big hologram laminate. Wow. It said festival with the the wraparound thing. Little flashy. And I said, Hey, I don't remember getting laminate last year. I'm like, did I do something crazy? Did I accidentally get the VIP or something? You might have gotten the gold package. So I text Cantor, who's going to the festival as well. And I go, Hey, did you get this laminate? And he goes, not any laminate. He goes, let me text my friend. See if she got the laminate. He texts her. Hey, you get the laminate? I didn't get no laminate. Whoa. It was like the golden ticket in Wonka. So I go, interesting. All right. And I say to Sarah, you know how I'm always buying and queefing and I'm stupid. My father's gay and he hates me. Sure. He goes, yeah,

of course. I hate you too. And I said, well, I got these laminates and I look and it doesn't say anything, but it's a hologram. Hologram looks cool. Yeah. That's a big deal. I can't go wrong with a hall on the back. It's just a lineup. And then the front, it's a hologram and it's a big lamb. So I go, huh, this feels special. Needs. So I do a little Googling. Oh, I got needs. And I'm trying to find the image and this ticket, this like general admission, then this GA plus, which isn't much. It's like you get your own bathroom sort of. That's not bad. If you're a trans or handicap VIP, I'm happy that there's one VIP. That's like three grand or something like that. And that gives you such and such and such and such and such. And I'm like, I don't

think I got the VIP, but maybe I got VIP. I'm an idiot. I never look at my statements. Then there's like super deluxe, the crazy experiment. You know, your parents are retarded things. That one, they put you in a golf cart. You get to sing. It's a make a wish. You can play drums. You get to paint something. Oh yeah. I'd love to paint you something. So I go, I didn't get the super package. I know that. Okay. I didn't either. Maybe I got the VIP or the GA plus or whatever. So we get the GA plus. Oh, general admission, general admission plus. They call everything's plus now plus size plus, you know, plus size plus center. There's all kinds of shit now. So we get there and the first day, I just want to get in for Dr. Dog. They're playing at 515.

Go in there. Gotta see the wolf. So we ride the bikes down. We park an ocean grove. As you know, doggy. So we get in there and the line is like four miles long. You can't believe this line. I hate a long line. I mean, it's like 400 yards. There's 10,000 people and I'm sitting there. We're in the line and people are crushing in and I'm like, look, and I'm like, we got the Vlaminates. We got the holograms. I'm like, I wonder if the hologram could get us in. I see there's like bags and for a minute, we're like three miles away. So it says bags bags. Oh, you got to check the bag. Yeah. It's a flight and I'm an idiot because you know, when you're looking for a hammer, everything looks like a nail or whatever that bullshit is. Yes. Yes. Yes. You're a hammer.

Your mother looks like nails. She gets her nails done. What's the saying? Yeah. Yeah. When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. I think I made that up. I think you got it. No, I think that's it. I think it's a Peter Paul and Mary song or a biblical thing. No, Pete's Seeger. Ah, shit. I'm hammered. Bob's cousin. So I look and it says bags and I was like, wait, I grabbed Sarah. I'm like, badge, badge. Oh, bad. And then I look closer. I'm like, nah, it's bags. But I thought badge. I'm wearing a bag. It's not even a spell badge. I'm like, ah, fuck. Badge. So we're waiting in line. We're sprinkling forward and I'm having like this crisis. I'm like, should I go up to the VIP? And then I won't be like, get back in line.

Should I save my spot? But I hate cutting back in. I'm like, my wife's in there. Trust me. Yeah. Yeah. Because I hate the looks. So you're really banking on this hollow. I'm banking on the badge. And then I see a guy with a sign that says, uh, see here now expert. So like, he's like, he asked him a question guy. So I got a nose and throat doctor. So I go, there's the expert. So while we're in line, we put on the bag. I know it's a couple of wearing badges here and there. You didn't want to go up to them and go, what's with the hologram, dickless? Well, so here, so here it goes. So I'm looking around the line. I go, no one has a badge on. No one's wearing a laminate badge hologram. Yes. So you're in G minus. So I'm thinking all the badge people

went through the badge line and I put on the thing. Yeah. Look around. See if anyone gives me a look like, oh, look at this guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we get, we creep, creep, creep, get closer. And I go over the guy. I walk over to the expert with the sign. Yeah. Yeah. And I say, Hey, what is a, what does this get me? And he goes, Oh, that absolutely nothing. Oh, brutal. I go, what? I'm not going to go. It's just a souvenir. They sent them to a few people. Oh, what a cruise. And I go, so it's nothing. And he goes, yeah, that's just a souvenir. It doesn't do anything. What? So now I'm like an asshole. But you just happen to get a souvenir and no one else did? I feel like that gives you some exclusivity. I think I ordered early. I ordered before they announced the band

because I'm coming in blind. Early bird special. So it's an early bird hologram. It doesn't do anything. So now I'm like a retard who's like, I'm winning. Yeah. And I walk back in and I had to like slowly take it up. Sarah's like, what'd you find out? Do we get to cut the line? I go, that's nothing. Oh, what a doof. And I got to pull the thing off like an asshole. He really zinged you there because he gave you a little hope. And then he crushed your sack in his hands. He did. I actually respected it. It was funny. But so we had to take it off. We wait in line. We find the get in. Damn. That's a bad feeling too. Cause you think like, Oh, I am special. It all is true. And then now I'm right back to hell. So then yesterday, I think you're going to like this.

I can't wait. I know you. I know what you like. I know what you don't like. Overreaction. I feel like you're going to like this. All right. You know me pretty well there. Fat man. Oh, we lost the recorder. I know you didn't like that. No, it didn't. Oh, it went blank. We go back away. So I think you're going to like this. So sometimes you ever find, you know, we all like to look at girls. It's only natural women. So I'm at the park. It's like the side stage. It's gotten bigger. Okay. We're getting ready to watch this band called group love. And it's all these young snappers that are into bands that you don't know. They're like new. Cause we're like 58 years old. Cause rock went out for a minute with the youth. Sort of. Yeah. It's not as popular,

but it's still there. Okay. Okay. See you in white raper tonight. So this is an interesting side note. This is what's great about having the more fans you get, it grows exponentially because we're at the festival and I see a huge crowd gathering to see group love and I go, let's check them out. They must be pretty good. This is 7,000 people. Yeah. You got a group on 7,000 people like them. Let's scope it out. I see people with the shirts on. They're all excited. They're camped out to see them. So I'm like, they must be pretty good. Not a great name. Well, the name stinks to each is anal. But I think that's what like helps with like followers when someone sees a tweet and they go, this guy has 80,000, 300,000 followers. Jesus Christ.

Someone must know totally. So we go in there. We're watching the band. They're fun. They're like kind of crunchy, grungy. They got, they're both wearing dyed hair. That's the same color. And it was fun. I can get into it. Okay. So then there's two women next to us and I catch a peek. One is like a smoke show. Okay. So I'm enjoying the show a little bit. Another one with that smoke show lady walks right by and goes this direction and left over her other friends, you know, nice lady, whatever. Sure. So I'm rocking out and then I'm just looking at the crowd dancing. I see smoke show lady doing this like a few minutes later. She went to get a drink. She's doing this thing and I know she's looking for this lady because she's catching my eye because

she's so attractive. But now I know now she's registered in my brain cell. Yes. And women don't know this, but all men want to do is help attractive women. That's all we don't need to touch or anything. We want to help you. We want to help you come. So yes. Well, don't get crazy. So I see her. Someone needs to help me help them. But there you go. So I see her kind of scarring and looking. You can tell she's looking. Now I know she's looking for this woman. Yes. But I feel like a creep because I don't want to be like, Hey, over here. I was looking at you. It's this weird thing. So I feel helpless and I want to elbow her, but she hasn't realized that her friend is looking for her yet. Well, you can elbow and show. But then it feels weird because I'm like,

Hey, I know you and your friend because I haven't even interacted with this guy. You're right. You're not even in the picture. So then this lady, she's all out of sorts. So I watch her head like weaving in and out and she's looking around trying to figure out and she kind of disappears in the crowd. So she's way off because it's a huge crowd. Sure. So then I see this girl. This is where your height. Hell, you're like a periscope up there. Height is nice. Yes. So she takes out her phone. I see her doing this. Oh, you're on it, man. So I'm missing the whole show. Everybody's dancing except me because I'm thinking about these two women. You want to help. These misconnections. So I'm watching her head. I'm starting to lose her because she's little.

I'm doing this and I see her doing the same thing. She's looking around. Oh, these tiny women shorties that they call them. I'm like, I got to step in here because I can see I'm part of this now. Yes, you're part. So she disappears. I lose her. And I'm saying to Sarah, I'm like, I can see this woman is looking for this one. And Sarah's like, what? She's like dancing, rocking out. And finally the woman resurfaces. She's coming this way now like facing this way, just lost. And finally I said, fuck it. I turn to this one. I go, hey, this is going to sound weird. And I'm not, I'm not a creep. This is my wife right here. You can see my wife and Sarah's like, what is this? We swing. I go, I see your friend. And she goes, I'm looking for her right

now. I'm like, I know. I know she's right over here. I go, come here. Look through here. And she's like, oh my God. Thank you. Watch her. And she scurries over to her and they go, I love it. Hug. They jump up and down. And I saved the day. I got dopamine flying out of my tits. Yes. That's amazing. That's great. And people need to be helping people. And it's, we're in such a weird world now where it's scary to approach a stranger, even to help them. Yes. And you did it anyway. And you did the right thing. And you got to help the smoke show. And it's all because she was hot. If she was like a fat nerd with acne, I would have been like, thank God, she's God. Well, that is proof that there is a hot privilege.

Yeah, of course. But we all knew that already. And part of me was like, I had this fantasy that like the two of them would come back and be like, we just wanted to say thank you. Would you mind if we doubled up on you? And Sarah's like, go ahead. Fuck them. Well, this is actual help. A lot of people are on Twitter going, hey, women are getting their tits cut off. And we need to, you're like, ah, you're not helping. This is helping. They want that dopamine from the help, but they don't want to get off their fat ass bean chair either. Big help. And it's hard to connect when you're in a big thing there. So and good for you. I got a couple of other things if you're interested. Well, we got a role here. I know. Well, geez. Should we wrap it

up? Yeah, we got, I mean, I got to go to a show. Oh, fuck. Where's your show? It's on the east side. All right. All right. We got to let it go. But what a great app. I got more for the next time. Maybe we'll do a bonus soon. Sure. I'd love to. Yeah. We got to do some bonuses. Get on the Patreon. We got some hot stuff in the mix, right? Oh, baby. Yeah. Yeah. I think, do we? Well, you got the hot gay sets coming. He's filming you somewhere, whatever. I'm in Providence this weekend. He's filming that. He's coming to the live app at Souljoles. We're going to get a live app at the VU Cookin. So yeah, we'll get it rolling, folks. October 26th, Royersford. Get your tickets. That's going to be a hot night. I think it's the last outdoor Royersford show. Whoa. You got to come

to that big event. Get out to that live Tuesdays. First live Tuesdays in a dog's age. Yeah. Yeah. Years. Big age. That will eventually be on the Patreon. But you want to be there. You want to be part of it. We'll get it up on the Patreon right away after there's a new bonus we did last week. All the hot gay sets, goddamn TV show is up there. Get on that Patreon this weekend. I'm at Philadelphia Helium September 23rd, Thursday through Saturday. One of the best. Be there. I can't wait. I'm excited. Sarah's coming along. Royal Oak, Michigan at Comedy Castle the weekend after that. Hell yeah. That's the 30th through the October 2nd. Then bananas, eighth and ninth. And then November, I got Zaney, Chicago, Portland Helium. Portland's 11th through the 13th of November.

And then Zaney's is the following weekend. Then Providence just added today. It's not even out there yet. That's going to be Thanksgiving weekend, the Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving. So big November. Wow. Big stuff coming up. Might be doing a big show at the Village Underground around that time. Recording. Yeah, it's just possibly. Could be something to put in your cap, folks. I'll be at Zaney's. I'm at Providence this weekend. We added a Sunday show, so let's pop that in. Zaney's in Nashville. Speaking of Nashville, Funtown. Tell your priest and your pastor to give him an abortion. Rochester. Grand Rapids. Portland Helium. Boston. Brea Improv in California. Vancouver. I'm all over the West Coast. New Orleans for Thanksgiving.

Royal Oak, Michigan. I'm following this fatty over here. Then Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. Lot of fun gigs. Lot of fun queues. Get on the Patreon. Get a shirt. Go gay. Tell a friend and praise Allah. George Zane cut it.