Tuesdays with Stories! - #420 Red Jacket Flag

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

Hey hey folks, it's another gay episode as Jor makes his way through a hotel party in Philly while Mark deals with loud train passengers on the way to Rhode Island. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: MyBookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays), Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), & Honey (joinhoney.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha.

Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Yeah.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My baby yo is spitting at me. Yee-haw. Here we are. We're in it. Oh, wait. We're supposed to pause a little.

I think we paused. I think there's a little thing comes on. The radio is spitting at me. Oh, yeah. All right. When's the last time you listened to the podcast? When Chuck made a new video for it, I gave it another twirl.

But that was about it. Oh, OK. I hate my voice. It's a fun show. It's a hell of a show. We've got to get a studio. We've got to kick it up a notch. This couch has been gizzed on by 28 people in an orgy and a cat.

You ever fuck on the couch? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, once today. It's so small and narrow. Well, you get a leg up there. You got to get a leg up in the competition. Yes.

I've never fucked in any place in my entire apartment except the bed. What? Well, you know, I like to get weird. I want to fuck in the sink, the shower, the casket. I want to get crazy. But you know, it takes two to tango. And the other one doesn't want to tango anyway but the bed.

Have you tried? Uh-oh. Speaking of moving to the couch, this cat's ready to tango. Look at that bend. Yeah, yeah, he's a real scoliosis queef. But wait a minute. You never made a move in the kitchen and just, you know, one thing leads to another.

Well, it's no moves. There's no moves anymore. Not anymore. It's more just like, hey, you want to have sex? All right. And then you walk to the room and you close up the shades. And you go, OK, that feel good. That looks all right.

Let me adjust your eyeliner and mine. Yeah, yeah. And that's it. Ah. Nothing get passionate. She's chopping up the cucumbers. It looks like a dick. You think of a foreskin.

You get hard. And then you rub a boner against the thigh. I try. But the kitchen, the window has no shade. And there's a building. It's New York. This is why I want to move to the country. Yes.

Because there's a window. And you can just see people on the stairs. Yeah, you can fucking a tree and a log and the stream and the general store. That's a good living. I fucked a lady in the woods once and deer ran by. It was doggy style. I was like, we both saw the two deer scooch on by.

Wow. Yeah, it was pretty good. That's that poison ivy. Yep. Dear God. Ivy. Poison ivy. Tits.

Great line in that you're going to need an ocean of Calamine lotion. As a kid, I remember going, that's pretty good. No, that is good. That's a lot of Calamine lotion. The cat, by the way, is killing me. I got the allergens. This fur is right in my asshole.

Sorry. I forgot you were anti-Semitic. But yeah, this thing is a real hypo, like the ladies on all these pills. It's weird, she loves cheese. Can't have cheese. She loves cats. Can't have a cat, but she does.

She's living in hell. All the things she likes are bad for her. Yeah, it's tough. I mean, this thing is crazy. I don't think this blanket's helping either. I think I got a lot of, I got sniffles over here. Yeah, I think the cat fucks the blanket, and now you're getting there, nostrils fucked.

Mull hair does it to me every time. Ha-ha. But anyways, welcome to the show, folks. This is Tuesdays with steroids. I want to just shout out real quick. First of all, I got a warning. I got nothing this week, because I busted my tits on the bonus.

We did a bonus on Thursday. I threw some serious store. I bought a new guitar. I got a discount, a nice-faced discount. That whole story and a bunch of other hilarious shit is on the Patreon right now, full episode. It was a humdinger. That thing was lunch.

You really blew your wad. You popped your hymen. We put a towel down. Yeah, I gave it everything I got. So join the Patreon today. A lot of bonus stuff, more coming. We got all kinds of Chuck stuff coming. We're going to have some more Seinfeld shit.

We got a full episode, which was one of my favorite episodes. And I'm not just saying that. Really? Oh, I thought it was great. You had me howling. I was howling, Jerry. I'll take it. I was howling as well.

Howling at the moon. Did you see? Howling wolf. Bigger than Jerry. Did you see that mash-up some Queef did about Seinfeld and the movies they're referencing? A couple of people sent it to me. I haven't watched it yet.

I was the same. I was like, oh, it's another little clip. I get it. I've seen everything. It's unbelievable. Really? I didn't even know they were referencing in there, from the 20s and the duck soup and all this shit.

Interesting. All right, I'll take a peek, because seven people showed it to me, and they all said, I'm sure 20 people sent this to you. But I'll take a peek. I promise to peek. But it's all Seinfeld ego. Someone's like, have you seen us? I'm like, I know about the thing.

I know about the airport. I know about Superman. Get out of here. Same thing, same thing. But this is really well done. It's shit we didn't know. I wish I could shout the guy's name out. It's like something Baruch.

This guy killed it, and it's got music behind it, and it rolls, baby. I'll check it out. Baruch Assault. I'm interested in seeing it. Baruch College. Was that how you say it? Baruch, most diverse college in the country, they say.

No kidding. I played there once, ate my own ass on stage, died. This kid came on after me. He was on while and out once for like six seconds. They all went nuts. That's the guy from while and out. Oh, shit. I was like, what?

I've been on everything. And they go, ah, blow me, honky. Was it Jake Williams? No, it was a black guy. He's very funny, Jacob Williams. Yeah, he's got some good singers, that kid. Hilarious. Are you by my favorite comic right now?

Cosby? No. Daniel Simonson? Simonson. He's fun. I mean, I talk about him all the time. Every time I see this guy, I'm blown away. He's got the best anxiety material ever,

and I got my fair share. I think he was a Norwegian cook, and he was big. He was like, Dane Cook out there, then he comes here, and he's living under a bridge. Well, I think he was big there, then he went to London and did well in London, and then came to New York, and now he's nobody, and everybody hates him, but I think he's great.

I like him. He's a sweet guy. He's got a big noggin, and maybe the funniest accent in history. Great accent, but just amazing jokes. I watch it. If I see him on the lineup, I got a scoot. Really?

We've got Simonson coming on. Oh my god. Man, oh man. I hope to check him out. I usually see, I think of him as a coaster. Like, ah, not for me. Yeah, very good, very funny guy. Oh, he's great.

I don't like coasters either. I'm not using one right now. Is that all right? I don't use them. I don't believe in them. Why don't you make the whole table out of the coaster, I say. It's not bad.

I mean, it's already coaster-y type material. It's a wood. Why not make the tabletop a coaster? Well, I'm looking at a ring right here. You got a bad ring. Oh, god. You don't respect wood. Yeah, you got to respect wood.

This is no problem, I don't think, because it's stone. Well, you get a coffee line on there. It's over. I could see another ring actually right now. Look at this over here. God damn it. And a bad ring to it. Ring doorbell, son of a bitch.

Ring around the Rosie. Oh, yeah. What's that? That's horseshit, right? I don't know what that is. It's Red Rover. I know that one. Red Rover was fun, but you could really get hurt.

Oh, you could yank an arm out of the socket. I liked Red Rover. Rinky thing. What else was there? Skating ring. What were the fun games? Well, you had the steeple. Here's all the people.

Oh, that was bullshit. That was like this thing? Yeah, it was like a fingering thing. But Jesus, dad, good lord. You got to scare the pigs with that, you big bad wolf. It's the cat. The cat's a cunt. It's a fucking allergic cat.

I mean, the cat is bringing nothing to your life. I'm sorry. No, you don't know about the joy we have when I lay on the floor at night and look at the stars. It comes up and nuzzles and I finger it's ass. I see no joy. It's knocking over my water. I can't stop sneezing.

He's just sleeping over there. He's got a curly back. And there's cat shit in here. Well, I got to tell you, you're not an animal guy. Uh-oh, here we go. Geez, I got sneezing over here, the 17th dwarf. I'm Jewish. What the hell's going on?

I got an allergy pill if you want it. What kind of pill you got? That's a Walgreen brand. Like a clarion? Yeah. It's giving me a Benadryl because a Benadryl will be sleeping for the second half of the pod. No Ben, no Ben, big Ben.

Is it a clarion type of thing or a famotodine? No, that's the reflux. Loretodine. I think that's a comic. No, Loretodine is the clarion. I might need it. I can't stop sneezing over here. I'm having a flip.

It's going to kick in, I don't know, in 20 minutes. I know, but I'll crush it up and shove it in my ass because I'm going to be sneezing. I got one eye closed. All right, well, kill time. I'll go grab it. I look like Popeye. I've been doing this pod for eight years.

I've never gone on the old grandpa's cough medicine. I can't wait, but bring it. Is it in a bottle? I got to see the bottle. It's a pill in a box. But it's just a random pill. I don't want to end up in fucking half dead. It says allergy on it.

It says Jews and stuff. Is it in the package? Yeah, I don't got a bunch of loose pills out here. Well, I don't know. You had loose pills in the green business, whatever the fuck that was called. That was me asking for the Lucy's. Give me, if it comes in a box, I'll take a pika.

All right, all right, all right, I'll come in your box. Hold on. I can't stop sniffing. I'm stuffed and drippy at the same time. This goddamn cat doesn't even give a shit. It's got whiskers longer than my father's asshole. What is it? Excedrin.

That's a very headache. Mucus is good. Mucin-X? I need a claritin. I might have one in my bag. Hold on, I got one in my bag, I think. I definitely got one. Hold on, come back.

I got one in my bag. Just bring me my satchel. Satchel page. Yeah, just give me that in that red pack. I got everything in here. I got flammatodyne, toad the wet sprocket, the toadies. I got CVS Health. Oh, that's Mucin-X.

Mucin-X, OK, that's something. That's more mucus. Oh, I get a lot of mucus. Who are you marrying? Well, that was for me. I had a sinus infection for like 10 days. I wanted to kill myself. It was worse than AIDS.

Look at this, if you got a herpes outbreak, I got some of that. That's big. Yeah, that's not bad. Then this is the reflux over here. That's acid controller. You know me, I need a lot of Chipotle. Here it comes.

Yeah, pharmacy in there. Laura Tadeen, anti-histamine. 24 hours sneezing, runny nose, itchy watery eyes, itchy throat, nose. You got it. Boy, what a big nerd you are. You got a whole medicine cabinet in your purse. Oh, I got everything.

All right. This is exciting. Yeah, I got it all. I got some checks in here. I got some hard candy in there. It's hard candy in there. I got some gift cards, nail clippers. All right.

Anyway, we're back. How long does that take to kick in? Because I don't want you sneezing all over creation and getting your mucinex all over the table. I think it's immediate. Look at the cat. He doesn't even care. He's just looking at me.

Well, he doesn't get the concept of allergies and sickness and pollen. I'm going to grab that napkin. Blow my nose. You can kill time. All right, all right, you get the napkin. All right, I forgot what the hell we were talking about. But Baruch Daniel, he's great.

Funny guy. Check him out. I don't think he has anything online. That's the problem with Daniel. He's got to start putting out some material that cook. Never puts out when I'm around. No, no, he's a prude. But yeah, I've been all over.

I'm wiped. I got no sleep. I did an Amtrak at 10.30 PM from Providence, Rhode Island. You need an Amtrakian to sleep. And I tried to help you out there, but it wasn't great. I tried to support. But you go, hey, 10.30. We'll do a show at 7.30.

We'll be done by 9. Where were you again, sir? Providence. All right. It was one of these trains that takes it just chug, chug, we're going to Auschwitz. Auschwitz was faster. This was like stopping New Haven for a half hour.

The train goes, boo, and they shut down. Your charger stops working. Everybody's snoring. And you're like, what are we doing here? I know, but the New Haven stop. It's planned. You have to have it in your head. Because if you don't have it in your head, then you're fucked.

You're like, what is this? This is horseshit. But they stop in New Haven for like 45 minutes. Completely. I think they recharge. Oh, and then I saw some business outside where the guy with the hats, the dudes. Conductor.

Thank you. He was like, switching and sweating. He went trans, and there was a new guy. So they got to do the stop. But I got home at four in the morning. Oh, that sucks. Still better than coming on Monday. I agree.

I mean, we just had this debate last week, or two weeks in a row, because we were at the See Here Now Festival in Asbury Park, as you remember. Yeah, Billy Idol. And I was, yes, still feeling it. And so we left Sunday night. I was like, let's fucking beat it. Beat the traffic.

But this fucking northeast corridor is a nightmare. The people living in the rest of the country, they don't know what it's like. It's a miscarriage. If you live in Kansas City, and you're like, let's go to Des Moines, you hop in the car, you're on the highway in three minutes, and you're in Des Moines in whatever amount of hours

it takes to get there. But here, there's no time of day you can beat it. Now, there's Sandy Hook all up your ass. There's dead kids everywhere. You try to get to Connecticut. It's inevitable. You leave at 5 AM on Christmas morning. Oh, there's the presence brush.

Oh, here's the Christmas Carol traffic. You can't get around it. It's horrible. So we left Asbury Park at 11 PM. I'm like, we'll zip up. It'll take us an hour and a half. Zip up, zip out. You get in there, and I always screenshot it.

You see the mileage, 11 miles. One hour, 48 minutes. You're like, this should be 10 minutes. Oh, that's crazy. So we cruise through the Garden State Parkway, which just brings me joy. I love Jersey. You shoot up there.

You get to the 95. You go past the factory that smells like farts. And then you just come to the Lincoln Tunnel, and it stops, just dead stop. And then you look, there's literally accounted nine lanes of traffic that fiddles down into three. You go from nine to three, and 50 feet. It's like you got 12 guys trying to get into one vagina,

and we're just at a bottle dick. It's horrible. I've watched those videos, but they take turns, at least. That's true. And there's two holes. I'm not happy to go 12th and come on the other come. I kind of like that. Yeah.

I like to come on my dick. Sometimes that double penetration of those two dongs get mighty close, and you go, well, what's really going on here? Maybe you guys have some stuff together. I can't watch or even think about a double penetration. It just doesn't. It seems too horrible. I mean, the gals seem to be enjoying it,

but who knows, these are fantastic actors. Well, I'm one of those, too. You'll see soon, folks. Yes. But anyway, so we left that night. And then this weekend, I was in Philly, and it was the same conversation. Should we leave after the show?

And I said, no, no, let's just stay here. Because what happens? Wow, that's not like you. Well, you know what happens is, and I'm sure you've lived this and had it this weekend, is when you decide to leave after the show, then everything becomes compounded annoyingly. You bump into the manager.

They want to tell you what a great show. And you go, shut up, shut up. I've got to go. I've got to hit the roof. You start checking. And then you bump into a fan. Hey, did I ever tell you? You go, I've got to go.

I've got to go home for two. Yeah, so true. So I said, this way, we'll just stroll, leave in the morning. But it takes that chunk out of your day. Chunk. You've got to get up. And my wife's a sleepy lady. She we have different sleep kind of patterns.

Me and my gal. She's a snooze fest. I get up early. I wake up at 8. I'm out the door. Yep. So I've got to dump a bucket of water and come on her to get her up.

It's a lot of gum. It's tricky. Yeah. But anyways. Well, wait a minute. You were in Philly today, then. No. Today is Monday.

Yesterday. Oh, I thought you left on. Oh, I see. The Saturday shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Left yesterday morning. Had a lovely day in the park. We missed you. I heard.

I heard I was watching the. You know, I got that text from Donnelly. It's always a weird text. He's like, hey, you coming to the park? I'm like, I'm out of town. He's like, just come by your dick. I'm like, I'm out of town. I'm out of town.

Well, what do you want me to teleport? Should I blow off the gig and drive in? What are we doing here? I think he thought you had a spot in the city. That's what I assume. He must have. Yeah, it's weird when people, you tell them you can't. I'm on the moon.

They go, just get over here. You're like, well, the moon's a little bit of a trip. You know, who does that as Ari? Yes. I'm like, he's like, hey, we're putting together a trip. We're going to all camp and kiss each other in the lips. And I go, well, I'm in Des Moines that night. Well, what do you do?

Well, you cancel it. We're having fun. You're going to live your life. And I'm like, I do live my life, but I'm working that weekend. Yes. I'll live my life a different day when I'm not working. Yeah. And when I'm doing shit with you,

I don't just cancel on you to go to Des Moines. Good point. I have a point. All right, so tell me about Philly. It's my favorite club. I love that city. I love the whole Kitten Caboo. Love Philly.

I just love it. I just want to suck its dick. And I had my last drink. I got sober there. So it's a special place to me. It touches my cockles. Yes, cockles. Because I had my last drink there at the bar, at Helium,

Mary Rosinski and Pat House. We had a couple cocktails. Good eggs. Great eggs, great comics. So we went down there. Did you know where you're led to go? Here we go, folks. This is the big pop.

No, and done. If I knew it was my last drink, I would have gone a little more apeshits. I feel like it. Yeah, I just kind of had a whiskey and a few beers or whatever. But so it's a special place. I love Philly. I love all the Northeast cities.

I do, too. Those are my favorite cities, DC, Philly, New York, Boston. Baltimore's a little. Baltimore can blow me, yeah. A little Queefy. Stinks. Yeah, yeah, not great. Although people say it's great.

Nah, they got to say that. It's like when they say their kid is nice. Yeah, good point. Or handsome. I've been to Harbour, and everywhere else seems a little dicey. Not great. Not great over there. Not that accent.

It might be the worst in the country, too. Oh. Hoagy. We're going to get a hoagy. Kill yourself. Oh, it stinks. Stavros is cool, but the rest. I like Umar, but yeah, bad news.

Also, what kind of name is Mugubis? But we'll get to that later. Not great. Not great. John Waters seems fun. I met him once. Yeah, Edgar Allen Poe is from there, which he doesn't feel like a Ravens fan.

Oh, yeah, Poe. Yeah, big Poe. You know, police. Poe Boy. It's named after Edgar Allen Poe. Get out of town. I swear to God. Hit me with it.

Well, Edgar Allen Poe wrote a novel about. He was a writer? Yeah, he wrote a novel about the BLM movement. And no, I don't know. He got out of it. I think police was before Edgar Allen Poe. I made up the whole thing. What about the band?

Was he in it? Yeah. Who had that joke that was like Roxanne? No, they wrote out the joke. Was it they said, fuck the police, the song, fuck the police came out and then the police, the band, the police was like, hey, fuck you too. And then you too was like, why are you bringing us into this?

Oh, that's funny. That's pretty funny. That's a nice little connection there. Who's was that? It feels like a bean town kid. It was somebody. It's cute and clever. It doesn't feel like a real closer.

But it's cute. Yeah, fuck the police. Hey, fuck you too. What do we do? Right, I like it. It's cute. It's fun. I like it.

Maybe I'll start doing it. Yeah, take it. It's yours now. Anyways, here's what I got. I got one of these weekends where it's just great, but you don't have any stories. I got one thing that's worth mentioning that was fun that I think you'll appreciate.

Mention, mention. But honorary. Great weekend, a lot of gays, two gays up the ass. I got a gift card from Luke. Hot shout out. I just gave it to you. One for me, one for you. Lukey.

How do we, Lucas? Will the force be with you? Luke and Duke. But the pill is already working. I feel great. All right, boy, you got your own stuff. Don't you wish you could give the cat the pill and then he no longer sucks?

It'd be nice. I think you shave it or give it a bath or an enema. Shave a few bucks. Enema of the state. So we go down to Philly, Sarah and I. Great trip down there. Great ride. The hotel's great.

You're high up perched. Is that the Senesta? Senesta, yes. Love high. And I wanted to fuck with the windows up because there's that office building right across the. What do you think of this theory? I like it.

Why don't we just fuck in front of the office? It's courteous. Gives them the option. Well, it's courteous if you look decent. You don't want Delta Burke cooking over there. No, I don't want to watch Delta Burke fucking John Goodman. No, God. Well, maybe I would still watch, but you need maybe two rooms.

That's a lot of window. But I'm like, why don't we fuck? And then they have the option. They can watch or not watch. If we don't, if we fuck with the shades closed, they don't even have an option to see us fuck. It is pretty bold that a hotel is across the way from an office, and it's all windows, both of them.

Everyone's fucking in a hotel. Everyone's jerking off in a hotel. Everyone's shitting. Everyone's walking around naked. At some point, the hotel has to adapt. I mean, the office has to adapt to you. They must love it. I imagine that that's like a pool they have.

I agree. Put in some money. Who's going to see the first dick or whatever. Right. But I would be thrilled. I never had an office job. But if I was working nine to five, five days a week for 45 years, if I didn't kill myself,

I'd be thrilled to see a pair of tits. I completely agree. My old apartment, I used to live on the Lower East Side. I lived in this tiny dick of an apartment. The only upside, I had a half a window that looked out out of the giant apartment building, and it was one of these swanky high rises. Every single week, there'd be a photographer in there

with a hot lady naked taking a photo. And she was up there doing this shit, naked shirt. And I would be out the window, kind of with one eye, just creaked against the brick, trying to see something. And it was all so common. You just want to see. It's very voyeuristic. It was amazing.

And when you see a boob in the wild or a labia, I mean, you want to call your parents. It's so exciting. Yeah. Do you want to be, I really, I love photography. I'd love to shoot women naked. I love it. Wouldn't that be fun?

Of course. And I think these photographers, I think they do quite well, if you know what I mean. I think so, because they get in a vulnerable spot, and it's artistic. Why don't you lean your tits over your shoulders, stick your bush in your armpit? Exactly.

And I think the gals, they feel hot. They go, hey, maybe I am pretty sexy. And then they get all tuned up. Anytime I'm at a bookstore, I swing right over that photography section. And I grab a book and take a peek. The female form. I mean, look, this is a barren wasteland of art right here.

We could put something in this thing. Me and the lady, we bicker. We can't decide. She goes, what do you think about this? I go, ah, that's cheese dick. And I go, what about this? She goes, ah, what am I a douche? But the only thing we can agree on

is maybe like a naked lady right here. And she's into it. She likes a naked lady. It's a good look. All right, well, let's take us some naked ladies we might have to put up there. I mean, you don't want Danny DeVito. You don't want a naked man.

But you know, even a naked fat lady, a naked skinny lady, a naked tall lady, it all works. Fat lady. A naked fat lady, I think, is novelty. It's like fun. Like, oh, look at these guys. They're kooky. Maybe it's from like the 30s.

One of those ones, like an 1880s. Yes, yeah. Yeah, like a current fatty. Disgusting. That's, all right, you got something. You got an old fatty, like one of the ones with like the cowboy hat. She's got like thigh highs, one of those.

That's fun. She's like a broad. Yes. Maybe a broad. I'll take a broad stroke. Not a lady, though. Broad noodle. But maybe a thick lady.

Like Kate Winslet in Titanic, where she's got the head over there. She's a little thick. Is she thick? I think she's thick. I think she was 90s thick. I don't know. I think that thick has sailed.

Well, thick is good. Not fat. I like thick. Thick and thick. I thought she was normal. She's not thin. No, normal. Maybe she's normal.

I think that's middle now. OK, maybe she's middle. I think the goal posts have gotten fatter. All right, I'll take a look. I haven't seen the movie in quite a while. It's not great. No, it really isn't. It's one best picture.

Doesn't quite make sense a lot of it. Well, my heart will go on. I know. Ron and I were just talking about this. We have a movie pod. Check it out. But I think back in the day, fucking for a week was really meaningful.

Like Titanic, they fuck for a couple days. Oh, yeah. And Casablanca, they fuck for a week. And it's like, will she leave her husband for this guy? But in reality, you fuck for like four days. You don't even know the person's name half the time. Sure, with the tenders and the bumbles. Forget about it.

Yeah, now you just fuck everyone for a week. I'll fuck you for a week. That was every movie. It was like these Woody Allen movies. It's like, oh my god, I met someone. We have great sex. You're like, yeah, yeah. Join the club.

Yeah. That was a whole movie. Doesn't make sense, but. Interesting. Well, people also got married just to fuck back in the day, too. Right. That was a big thing.

Like, I want to fuck this chick, but I don't even like her. Well, you got to make an honest woman out of her. So you had to marry the lady just to get laid. Now it's like the reverse. You marry them in spite of only being able to fuck them. Like, you're like, ah, it sucks that I can only fuck her, but I'll marry her. Oh, yeah.

It's just nice to hang out with. That's a great point. The whole thing is flipped. Lot of flipping. Flip flop. Is this good? I don't know. We had a moment.

All right. Well, anyways, we went down to Philly. Tell me what you think of this. Please. I think you're going to like this. Put it in my ass. See if I finish. So what I do is, we're there at the hotel,

and we've talked about this before. You get there Thursday. It's always quiet. Sometimes you get there Wednesday. You're like, the only one. You own the place. Oh, you got that right. Then the weekend turns around, especially Friday.

It just fills up. And that was all these new people in your hotel. Oh, yeah. I hate that. I never thought of it like that. It's annoying. You can't get to that desk guy. That desk guy is done these days.

They need to update that. I feel like everything's updated. We got Uber. We got Amazon. We got Netflix. The hotel desk guy, Orgal, is on their own. Everybody's got a million questions, and he's got to line out the door, and he can't get to you.

It should be a desk gang. There should be a whole gang down there. Like people, there should be three people, and then one person behind each of them. Yes, yes. And then the phones ring in. The guy's doing your cards. It all takes too long.

I told you about my new system. I show up. I show my ID. They hand me an envelope. I go up the stairs. I love that system. Good system. Systemic racism.

I got a system in my ass. Oh, yeah, I'll pop it. But so we go there, and Saturday night, we come out after the shows. And I always feel people are always like, you get nerves for the show? I'm like, I don't ever. I get nervous walking home from the show in Philly.

It's 12.15 at night. Philly's a tough town. It's the range of tough. You got bros, you got hobos, you got ghetto, you got Jews, you got Asians. It's all kinds of stuff. And then you have those couples that are fighting. And I always feel like when you see a couple fighting,

if you make eye contact with a guy, he'll fight you. Because he can't hit her. Good point. So he sends the energy your way. What the fuck are you looking at? Yeah. But then if he hits her, you got to do something. I know.

You got to go, oh, I'm going to get involved or whatever. Right, right. It's tough. Tough spot. Tough for the lady, too, because she might get hit also. Exactly. So I get anxious. I feel very vulnerable in that city at 12.30 at night.

And it's a good nine-minute walk to the hoe. It's a walk. And Philly is all alleys. So it's like 100 times you come out of that alley and someone's in there. Spare change. You go, oh, Jesus Christ. And you know, man, I'm a little gun shy now.

Little jumpy. What is it called? Triggered. Triggered because I've had two incidences. Yes. Both one during the day. So I see all those people. Now I used to buy them a snack and give them some yodels

and wash their feet. But now I see them. I just run for the hills. I hear you. I shove my wife into them and then just take off. It's so funny, because during the day, when the blue sky is out and the sun is shining, that Rittenhouse Square is like a little Shangri-La.

Everybody's in the fountain and blowing each other and there's kids. We had breakfast there one day. We got a couple bagel sandwiches, sat in Rittenhouse, and just, whoops, I touched the remote. Oh, there you go. But remote learning. So I go in there.

We're working remotely. Is that like a sketch? Remote learning, because that's what everyone was doing. And maybe you learn about the remote. It's not great. It doesn't have a little leg. No, it stinks. Universal remote.

Yeah. That's something. I never got that thing to work. Put the code in. I go, I got no code. Anything with a code I hate. I hate code. I hate the name Cody.

I hate codes. If you told me to have a baby and a million dollars you had to sign up for an account, I'd be out. No, if it doesn't have face recognition, I just get a new thing. Forget a password. It's a login. It's over.

It all stinks. It's just nothing but passwords. I know. And now tickets. I go to a lot of shows. It's all this website. I got seven apps here. I can't keep track.

I hate apps. I'm done with apps. I like mozzarella sticks. All right, those aren't bad. So Saturday night, we're going back to the show after the last show. You feel like you're done. You do it all to meet and greet.

And I'm meeting and greeting everybody. Everyone's saying hello. Tons of photos. Shout out to Kyle, the door guy. He took a million photos. Good. You throw the guy a Twunski, I hope. I threw him 40.

Oh, shit. I'll Venmo him. I think a 10 bucks a show. He's taking 50 photos, makes you feel safe. The whole thing. He's quite charming. Good kid. And I think he did a thing where he kept taking so many

photos that I had my armor on people for like a half an hour. Oh, yeah. I'm like, come on, just grab one and go. But it was nice. Because there was two young women. They came back four times to retake the photo because they were self-conscious about their faces. It's an epidemic with the ladies in the photos.

It's a lot. And then they start telling it, go higher, go lower, move the lighting. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember the old days? You took a click, click, it flashed. You went, that was it.

You hoped for the best. You had to deal with it. It's kind of like kids. You hope it's a decent one. It's not special needs. And you don't get another try. And if it's a bad one, you chuck it in a dumpster. That's the move.

So this thing takes a long time to power up, by the way, your TV. Well, it's cycles. Well, it's just a menu. You've got to kill this because you're going to talk about it. Go ahead and hit the power there, Freddie. Hit the power. Hit the power.

I need a code. Fight the power. And you're done. All right. Now you've got to log out. Oh, jeez. That's terrifying. I've got to get to this story eventually.

We get back. What are you doing? I'm getting the ads. You're telling me to turn the TV off, and then you get in your phone. We got new ads. The TV wasn't even doing anything. It was just a menu.

There we go. I'm getting them ready. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's what I'm saying. What the fuck's wrong with us? I'm on top of it. We're like 75 minutes in here. We're cooking.

We haven't told anything yet. Well, we had to get the aspirin for 20 minutes. I found one. That was Famo Todi. Laura Todi. All right. Big pharma over here. All right.

So we get back to the Saturday night. We do the shows, meet and greets. Thanks to all the gays. We love you. God bless you. Thanks for the gifts. Thanks for coming, for laughing, the whole thing. Praise Allah.

So then we leave there, and Sarah's like, oh, it's so nice to be done. And I'm like, but we're not done. We've got to walk through all the alleys. The alley, Allie McGraw. You know my alleys. Yes. Isn't it McBeal?

That's a few alleys. Is it McGraw? That's an old alley. Oh, I don't know that alley. She fucked Steve McQueen back in 41. No kidding. Allie McGraw. She was in that movie.

She's in the Robert Shaw. Well, no, what's that guy's name? I love Robert Shaw. No, not the D. Taking of Pelham Parkway, Jaws. Agent. James Bond? Kid stays in the picture.

Oh, Peter Bogdanovitch? Yeah, the other guy, the handsome guy. Mitch McConnell. The agent. He's not handsome. No, no. Ah, shit. Mitch, Robert Mitchum.

No, that's an actor. He was a gay, I think. Agent. The agent, the guy the movie's about. I told those crouts to suck it. You know that guy. What's his name? I don't think it's Mitch.

I think it was Robert. Robert Mitchell. Robert Evans. Robert Evans. He's very good. Mucus. I'm going to tell you about this elevator eventually. Please, we got ads, too.

We get back to the hotel. All the wedding, it's two wedding parties in the hotel. They're all converging as we walk up. That's a bad hotel. The layout doesn't apply to a wedding party. But it was like Braveheart. There's like a group, a clan from over here and a clan from over there.

And they clandestinely all met. And they cram in right in front of us. Oh, man, blue face. They're all in the dresses and the things. And then there's a line for the elevator. There's like 30 people deep. And they're all drunk. I hate drunks.

Yeah, they're tough. Because they always want to get you involved. When you got a pants on, you're fucking this guy. Yeah, they got you in a headlock. They're knurpling you. So Sarah's like, this is going to take us 20 minutes. And I'm like, we just finished working. So I said, I'm not doing it.

I'll walk up the stairs. We're on the 17th floor. I go, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I'm in good shape. What are you, Rocky? I got a nice butt. Well, it was Philly.

Yeah, it's true. Take it to the zoo. Retards love the zoo. Can't argue with that. I'm telling you my bit, they did the Rocky musical. I was like, did they leave Retards love the zoo in the musical? I'd love to hear that on, Key.

It'd be a funny song. Yeah. Retaker to the zoo. Retards love the zoo. And you can have a good muggle. It was a good bit. That's not bad. Nobody liked it.

I like it. So I go up to the front desk and I go, I got it. This is a crazy question. Don't sweat it. But is there any way we could walk to the 17th floor? Oh, that is a cookie. Where healthy people are in good shape. I can't deal with this.

And the lady was like, she was upset with me. I don't want to do the impression. Wow. Wow, that was majestic. So she says, hey, Billy, Billy, they want to walk to the 17th floor. There we go. And the guy, security guy, big guy, African American

fellow, he says, why you want to walk to the 17th floor? That's insane. They hate the walk. They said, well, it's all drunks of his. 40 people is a line to get the escalator. I don't want to wait. But if I can't, don't worry about it. We'll just wait.

And he goes, hmm. Yeah, now he's got a little power, a little juice. He goes, I got you. Come on. There you go. He's got the keys jingling, the key thing. Yeah, they love the jingle. So he goes, follow me.

Walks us up a flight of stairs. And I go, all right, well, I guess we're walking. He's going to walk with us. He's a heavy set fella. And he goes, we get to the top of this level of stairs. He goes, this never happened. You never talked to me. Don't say a word about this.

What? He goes, I'm taking you through the employee elevator. Oh. And I go, hey, all right. So we walk through the kit, the bowels of the hotel. You're like Jimmy Conway. Through the kitchen, the whole thing around the side. And we go into the thing.

It's this little elevator. He goes, boop, boop. He uses a code. He's got one of those magnet things. Oh, man. And it's like this shitty beat up old elevator. We ride the elevator. And I'm like, I'm like really like, oh, thanks, brother.

I appreciate you, my friend, or whatever. And fist bumping them and giving them some gang signs or whatever. I just wanted to bond with the guy. Let him know I'm one of the cool guys. Yes, yes, you dap up. I said, I hate the police. I love basketball.

I have a dream. Hip hop. And we go up to the 17th floor. He goes, what room are you in? I said, 17.02. And he goes, come on. Walked us right to the door. Keys us in.

He goes, there you go. He smacked Sarah in the ass, kissed me on the lips. And I said, thank you so much. Georgia's saying cut it. I gave him 50 bucks. Wow. And the rest of my wallet. And I was like, Prince William.

It was amazing. I was so happy I asked. I felt so cool. And I was like, how do you like that, young lady? That's pretty good. We didn't have sex and we watched Star Wars. Damn it. Well, weird movie choice.

But it's crazy that the funny thing is that was fun for him too. He's given you the great night and living it up. And he's being nice. But he got to be a big shot a little bit too. Because you wouldn't have that without him. Yes, it was exciting. So we both stroked each other's assholes a little bit.

Exactly. Sweet guy, big shout out to him. We got to read the ads. The episode's almost over. I fucked up. This took too long. I hate myself. I'll kill myself someday.

I hope so. But I wonder if he knew you were the comic. I bet that had something to do with it. I don't think so. Well, he said this. That's what I like. I said, it's tough. It's all the drunk people.

And I get it. They're having fun. But you know. And he goes, he's like, believe me, I got to deal with it all night. I got to deal with these people all night. He's like, I've been dealing with them all weekend. And he goes, the problem is, I'll

talk to these people because they get too loud and crazy. And they say, fuck you. We paid for it. And I say, this is him talking. He says, I say, these people pay for it too. And I said, thank you. Exactly. Wow, you guys are cut from the same anal.

Exactly. I wanted to hug this guy. I love this guy. But it's a good point because the weddings, they get drunk and they sleep in the hallway and they knock stuff over and they have a good time. And they're like, we paid so much money. And you're like, there's other people here.

You got a point. So his point, I appreciate the point. Great point. Great point. And great Scott. My father's getting. Here we go. Tuesday Stories is brought to you by Honey.

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Well, that's all I got. I don't know. I think that's it. I don't know. Maybe something. All right. Well, the shows were good. You did some yucks.

You got some laughs. Shows were great. I mean, all I have written, I'm like, great shows. A lot of fun. Oh, these are roast jokes. Big roast coming up eventually. Yeah, we went to the Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts. That was great.

And man, it was great. Oh, they had a fan by Sarah. I was in the morning getting a coffee and I hear a guy go, hey, can I pay for that coffee? Nice Tuesday. Wow. And I said, it's for Sarah. And he said, oh, never mind.

How do you like that? No, he said, yeah, happy to. And he bought us a coffee, which was great. So thank you to that gay. You're the best. The gays, we got the best fans of the nicest queeps. They're so good natured and smart and cute. Great people and thanks for supporting

and the Patreon folks, we especially thank a lot of extra stuff on there, obviously. And thanks a lot. Here, here. All right, I'll rattle off a couple of things. I got to get your input on this because this is interesting. OK, I love interesting. All right, doing Providence, Rhode Island,

the comedy connection, great club, great town. Sure. Underrated town, by the way. I mean, I don't know how long you want to live there, but in a weekend, it's fantastic. Well, they got great titty bars, great Italian food, big ol' mall, the Prairie River, Brown University, absolutely love.

Love, should be called Asian. But either way, great town. Everybody, it's almost like a small town. I mean, it's Rhode Island. It's a tiny state. My dick looks huge there. It's a great time. The sun was shining.

The weather was good. I was hanging out with Chuck and Ray Harrington and Doug Key. I had a good group. And the club is just such a mom and poppy. They run it so well. They're so nice. You know, I was talking to these guys. They just sit in the green room with you in chat.

They're so normal. They got an apron on. They're out in the kitchen. These guys, like, they get their hands dirty. Good guy. Becky there? Becky's there. She's been there 20 years.

Oh, Becky. I know. I've known her half my life. It's so strange. Wow. Yeah, I get drunk with the staff after. And I'm like, who, who sucks? Who do you hate?

Who do you love? And they go, I saw this guy who's famous now. I watched him bomb all weekend. And now he's a fucking killing it. I'm like, wow, it's so fun to hear the old stories. Love an old story. Yeah, so great time, great club. And if they don't think a guy's funny, they'll cut them.

Cut them? They'll be like, well, he's not working here again. I think they'll slice them. No, no, no. Well, maybe in the mob out there. It's pretty mobbed up. The last run mafia run town, they say. Well, they're doing a good job.

They say the highway twists and turns. It's because the mob ran it. And they were like, they refuse to move any houses or buildings. They had to build the highway around it. How do you like that? Oh, Bugats, Scuba Boos. Pretty good. How about this one?

Pounds, you know, you weight 200 pounds? No, I don't. 250? Yeah, like 170. Oh, all right. 175, I've been packing it on. We all lie on our license. But you know why it's called LBs?

Because it's pounds, but why is it called LBS? Well, let me think. Uh-oh. Side note, can I just digress for a second? I just figured out on my own, cents is short for percentage of a dollar, right? Does that make sense? Well, I know in French, it's sa.

But I'm like, it's 48 cents is 48% of a dollar. I think it's all tied together. It's the romance, Lang. But percent, sa in French is 100. So one penny is one cent per cent. So maybe I'm wrong. No, I think cent and sa in percent. I think it's all in bed together.

Well, I don't know about sa. I didn't care for the films. But all right, let me think of pounds. Yeah, yeah, lay it on me, Fetties. Yeah, you implied it as Italian in some way. No, no, I thought there was an implication. No, no, three play, Sharmin. But sworn.

Well, you're a Sharmin guy. Thank you. Let me think, pounds, LBS, libs, libtards, vaccine. Oh, that's not bad. Trumpuck. I got nothing, I got nothing. What's the LB? La loser, batshit, sorry.

Libras. Libras. Libra is a god and a Roman god with the scales. And Rome is in Italy. Oh. So you implied. All right, well, I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to.

That was an accident. OK. But she's holding the scales this coup. She's got the scales in the book. And what's her name, Libra? Libra. And Libra means book in Spanish, which is similar to Italian.

Interesting, another romance. Primavera. The stone. Spring. Aha, that's what I poked. So Libra is the lady and she's the scale. Scale whore. No kidding.

Yeah, pretty good. Wow. All right, all right. Just a fun little aside. What's his name, Julian, aside? So fun town. Now I take the Amtrak down there. Up.

Up there. I had this big plan. I'm going to get the beamer out. The weather's great. I'll hightail it up there. I get to really be in the car for like three hours, shift it and grind it, and play in the muzak, and roo-ha.

Thunderstorms. Thursday. Thursday was bad. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, good. Beautiful. And I didn't want to be hightailing that thing. And then rain, it's all little. It's cute.

It's fly right off the highway. Yeah, hydroplane. Thank you. So I take the train. I had to just submit and go, all right, get on the goddamn Amtrak. I get on early. I've watched you over the years.

You're good with this stuff. You're like a Native American. You put your hand on the ground. You can tell what gate it's going to open on the Amtrak. Oh, yeah, I love the gift. I love the gift gate. You got a gate gift. So I try to do you.

I'm like, oh, I'm trying to feel you out. I got bad teeth. I'm getting herpes. I'm looking around. I'm trying to summon you. You got to keep an eye on the conductors and the cops. They start mounting. That's good.

And they shift over there. Well, they were attacking a minority. So they were a little occupado. But I felt like I kind of got a little thing. It's almost like a bet where you're like, put it all on black. You bet. Yeah, and he was. He got dazed.

But I went down. I got down early. I run down there. You get your good seat by the window with the charger. Yes, need it. You know how it is. Got to have it. Got to have the charger.

Got to have the window. And you kind of want that other seat occupied. You know how we do that. You lean in a little bit. You fart on it. You put your balls on it. I save up all my farts for a week. I just start dropping them.

Forget about it. I make nags and IPAs and trash. Yeah, so I'm watching everybody file in. And everybody's taking up all the seats. Everybody wants the two seat. Eventually, you got to start giving in and sitting next to people. Sure. But I got my window and I got my charger.

You can sit next to me all you want, but I'm farting. I'm quaffing. I'm quaffing. So I'm like, man, I nailed it. I feel so good about myself. Guy comes down with his wife. I got a seat open. The lady across the hall has a seat open.

And the guy goes, ah. He looks around. I'm doing the thing where I'm like, what is that, a cardinal? What is that, a Robin out there, Blue Jay? I'm trying to really focus away from him. Sure. I got the earphones in. I'm wearing bows, beats by Dre.

I got a sleep mask on and a neck pillow. And the guy goes, excuse me. And I keep kind of, what is that, a swallow out there? Is that a spitter? And the guy goes, and I go, ah. Yeah, can I help you there, Fanny? And he goes, ah. I'd like to sit next to my wife.

Could you sit next to her? And I kind of gave it a look around. There's a lot of open areas, but he picked me. I'm such a twerp. I'm a twink. I'm a puss. He knew. I know, but it sucks, is you're in the window.

You're supposed to sit aisle for aisle, not window for aisle. I tried to relay that. I was like, I've been in this situation so many times. One time on a cross-country flight, the guy goes, I want to sit with my wife, I go, OK. And I sat in a middle seat for six hours between two chunk of ruse that it ruined my life. So I triggered Jerry.

So I go, ah. I pulled a George. I go, I got the arm, you know? Joe. I got my nuts here. And the guy was like, I know, I know. It's bad, I know. I realize it's bad, but I just really want to sit with my wife.

And I go, ah, I had the charger. Then you want to go, do you? You rode here in a car. You're going on a trip together. You'll be together the rest of your goddamn life. Take a break. That's a good point. And I was thinking, you guys sit on either side of the aisle.

You know, it's like politics. Who cares? All you got is this old two-foot aisle between you. That's not good enough. Now, I got to ask you this. Why aren't you in the quiet car? You got to go to the quiet car. Because then when they say that, you go, wow, it's quiet car.

You can't talk to your wife. Oh, I panicked. I saw an open seat. I jumped. I hear you. I've done it. I didn't know. Sometimes you don't notice that quiet car plackered.

I know. It's very quiet. Yes, it's true. So I go, ah, I had the window. And he goes, I know, I know. That's how hard this guy pressed. He was like, I'm aware this sucks, but I'm hanging on to you because I know you're a fucking

goner. And he was right. I respect the guy. I kind of do too. And I went, all right. And I'm like, look, I'm a fucking man. I can sit next to this person. I don't need a window.

I'm a grown up. So I go, all right. And I get up. And I will say, this guy wanted to be next to his wife. I mean, they're sharing a picnic basket. They're doing a puzzle. They do a Rubik's Cube together. They recorded a podcast.

So I'm sitting next to old Cookeface over here. And she is doing this number. She's got the laptop out. She's got the snacks. She's got the grapes, the cheese. And then she puts her phone on the laptop. She's FaceTiming. She's on a laptop and FaceTiming.

She's with these FaceTimers. I don't get it. I looked. I peeked over. I was like, what do you need to say to this lady the whole three hour train ride? And she's going, the other lady's making dinner. She's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh.

These people, they can't be alone. So they just FaceTiming each other. This woman is not even talking. They're making dinner. And she's on a train quietly going like, whatever, up with Kelly. Oh, yeah, Kelly. She died.

She's like sauteing. I'm like, what are we doing here? They all FaceTimed. Sarah has a niece. We were all hanging out with the family for like nine hours. At one point, she pulled a FaceTiming out of her pocket. What? It just fit in the pocket.

Their face, that's how they communicate with FaceTiming, even if they're in a pocket. I hate Face. I'm saving Face. FaceTiming is my enemy. I've never used FaceTiming. I don't want to use you FaceTiming me. I cut you out of my life.

I hate it. My least favorite part of the hockey game is the FaceOff. Yes, bad movie, too. A terrible movie. So not only do I lose the window, I lose the charger, but I also sit next to FaceTime, cus. And the whole thing sucks. So I'm just sitting there like a little 10-year-old who

got a bad Christmas gift. I'm steaming. And I go, you know what? Instead of just sitting here and stewing, I'm going to get up, and I'm going to walk around, and I'm going to go buy myself a cup of coffee and a skittle. Go to the cafe, car, hang out. There's some people that just, they mount up at the cafe.

They sit there all day. So I went to the cafe, car. I bought myself a little fruit cup and an enema and all this and a handjob. And then I go set, and the tables were open. At the cafe, car. At the cafe, car. I love those tables.

I had a great time. That's nice. I love a table. It's nice because also the whole crew sometimes will sit in there. And then you get to overhear their conversation. It's hilarious. I tried to write a sitcom about it.

Never worked, but whatever. Love the crew. They'll be like, that motherfucker. You get the good stories in there. Yeah, crew's good. It's like a proctologist. You sit right next to them and you hear a good conductor story.

Yeah, good butt stuff, crew cut. So I went all the way back to my seat, which is eight cars deep. Got my bag. I gave them all a look. This guy's loving his wife. They're necking. They're writing a poem.

And I went back, brought my bag all the way to the cafe, car, sat back at the table. Sometimes those tables are off limits. Yes. This was open. So it all worked out. Yeah, they've met them off limits for the crew, I think, sometimes.

Geez. That's harsh. I've been on Amtrak a year because I bought the car. So I haven't taken Amtrak in a while. There was COVID and then the car. Right. Two, three years since I've been on a thing. I like their burgers.

Yeah, you do like those, but that burger's got to be nutrient meat or something. I don't know what you're thinking. It's not great, but it's fun. It's fun. It's fun eating the goddamn burger. It gets all microwavium, melty, and the bread's soft, and you peel it off, and you get a Pepsi.

All right, so how about this? You ever had this? I get to Providence. It's great. I check into the hotel. Beautiful, sunny night, sunny day. The club's great. I had a flawless weekend.

You ever had that? I'm talking, every show's sold out. Every crowd was amazing. We sold out of merch. No heckle, no nothing. It was, the staff was great. The owners were great. The feature was great.

Chuck was there. Doug was there. Doug recorded his album. By the way, I'm doing Rogue Island Comedy Fest on October 11. You want to come to Newport, Rhode Island? Great city. I went to Doug's hometown. Went to Warren, which is adorable.

It's like a fucking city out of an 80s movie, like Goonies, where they just ride bikes and pick pumpkins and go to church and shit. You went to Warren. Gee. Yeah, regulator. So yeah, just had a great weekend, then the only hiccup. Boy.

And I hate to say it, Doug. Dougie Fresh, you've heard him on the Patreon before, he's a good kid. He did his album, went well. His, he goes, my mom's coming to the Sunday show, and you go, oh, that's fine, whatever. You know, it sucks for you. You know what he wants to perform in front of their parents.

And he goes, yeah, yeah, she's a bit of a thing. And I go, ah, whatever. So we're sitting in the green room. The mom comes in. She hugs us all. She says, let me get a photo. I've heard so much about you. Yeah, yeah, she's kind of a fun, eccentric lady,

leather jacket, red glasses. And I don't like that. We put her in the back. She chats the whole show. At the end, I go, Doug, you got to get your mom here. Doug got to stand next to her for 20 minutes going, mom, shut up, shut up. Oh my god.

Well, I mean, no offense to your mom, Doug. I love you. And you've been really helpful to me, but leather jacket and red glasses. You don't want one of them in the audience. No, no, that's a red jacket flag. I mean, I assume she rode into an O'Wheely on a dirt bike. She had a look like that.

She had boots on and a swastika. So I gave her a little bit of a what for. And she she clammed up. But you could tell you want to be like your son's a comedian. You've been around comedy. You still don't know not to shut the yappy. Well, they get excited. I had an uncle one time at a firehouse show.

And everyone's like, what's with this guy with the mustache? The little guy can't stop talking. And I was like, that's my uncle. And Chris Allen was on the show. He's in the Air Force. And then Alvin David from Providence. He's in the Air Force. And they were telling Air Force stories.

You look over. It's my uncle and two of the comics on the show, all high-fiving and triple kissing. Yeah, it's bad news. Because I think it's Air Force is like one of the. Was she in the Air Force? Maybe. She was high on life.

She sounds like a pilot. But I think sometimes they get so excited, they can't stop chatting. I think the pilot light was off. But the pilot was in the audience. Nice lady. And it all is well. It ends well.

Doug drove me to the train station to hope his album sells well. He killed it all weekend. It's one of those nice ones where you do 25 minutes and you lock it in over four sets. Right. And yeah, then the train ride was 78 hours. But I made it back.

We're here. We're queer. We did it for the fans. We got it out on time. And the rest is history, as they say. I love it. I mean, aside from the sellouts, I had a pretty perfect weekend myself.

Not one incident. Everyone was great. Every show was amazing. That Philly Helium. There was no ceilings, great green room, great MC, great staff. Totally perfect. Fine food. We went to the, we wanted to runs.

We went to the Penn. We went to the Franklin Field, which is where the Penn relays happen. The most famous track meet in the world. And we ran. We're the only ones in the big stadium. It was fucking great. Penn is mightier than the sword.

What's that guy's name? Sandusky. Yes. That's Penn State. Two different schools. What is this? This is Penn. This is U-Pen.

U-Pen. Ivy League. I-Pen. We all Penn. We all Penn for IcePen. I think Penn Atentury came from Pennsylvania. Is that right? Eastern State Penn Atentury is in Philly, which is beautiful.

There we are. All right. A lot of Penn. Penn and Teller. Count at Penn Gillette. But yeah, it was a great week. I mean, beautiful day. September in the Northeast, you can't beat it.

You can't beat it. Unless you're in Los Angeles, then it's this weather 100% of the time. But they're all crazy and it's on fire. And earthquakes and all that shit. Homeless. Gangs. Throat.

Smog. Dodgers. Gays. Yeah, it was a great fucking weekend. We went to the art museum. It was great. And everyone was so nice. And it's just a good living.

I had this thing where I'm like, I want to make movies and be an actor. I don't know what I was doing. And you do one week in a helium. I'm like, what am I talking about? This is the best life ever. It's a great gig. You're doing great.

You're selling tickets. The people like you. You're tall. Doing all right. Yeah, I was thinking of acting anyways. I'm watching cuts in the movie. I'm like, forget it. No one watched this movie.

It's a piece of shit. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm horrible. Can't watch it daily. I've seen you act. You're pretty good. Watch this. What?

That's something. That was not bad. That wasn't bad. Yeah. I think you got SNL. Yeah, I don't know about that. Nah, not with this pod. You got a lot of stuff to delete.

It's not going to be good. But eventually, we're having fun while we do it. Stick with us, folks. Join the Patreon for God's sakes. There's a full bonus episode up there right now. It was a great episode. I bought a guitar here all about. I got so many nice messages being like, people were like,

let's see that guitar. I sent it to about 45 people. I'd like to see it. I showed you. Remember the thing? I showed it to you. It's a good looking ax. And yeah, people were so nice.

I think it's maple or something like that. They can't ever just be yellow. That was just to be like mahogany, honey. It's honey. Egg shell. Yeah. Honey's a sponsor. Oh, yeah.

Thanks, honey. Yes, nothing, honey. But that cereal? Yeah, that was fun. What are you doing? Nothing, honey. It was a big commercial. It was good.

Whatever you have in the commercials, those are something. Yeah, I hate them. All right. Well, we all hate them. We did seven of them. But yeah, we'll see you next time, folks. We love you. Dates, we got to play some dates.

Oh, please, get some dates. The big race. The big race. I prefer a cherry. Where am I going to be this week in Royal Oak, Michigan? You know where it's going to be. Meets coming by to do a spot on Thursday. He's got a kid.

I don't know how he affords it. But he just recorded an album. Some of you went out for that, I think. I hope. Maybe. Who knows? Sure. Royal Oak, Michigan this weekend.

Next weekend, October 8th and 9th, Bananas, which is now in Rutherford, B. Hayes. B. Hayes. Oh, the camera went off again. Oh, what the fuck? Son of an Aids. Well, we got most of it. I don't know either.

Did you just text me? I got a text from you. Someone steal your phone. Is it back on recording? Yeah, I don't know what happened. Hold on. Let me get this place here. Go.

Anyways, Bananas, Rutherford, August 8th. I mean, October 8th and 9th. And then November is a big month after Skankfest. I met Zanies in Chicago, downtown, and Portland Helium. And December. I'm in Providence. And December. Oh, wow.

November. Thanksgiving weekend. I'll be in Providence, so come check that out. All right, all right. I'm at comedy on state this weekend. We're going to try to add a show. Zanies in Nashville. Friday to Sunday, Rochester, New York.

Dr. Grins in Michigan. Portland Helium. New Orleans. Brea in California. Vancouver in Canada. New Orleans again. That was a mistake. Royal Oak, Michigan.

Atlanta Buckhead Theater. Laugh Boston, all over the road. And we're doing a Soul Joules. Yes, October 26th. 26th. Already some tickets sold. Make sure you get your tickets. That might sell out.

I mean, that's going to be a big one. Hotline. Oh, yeah. And then that'll be on the Patreon. So come on out to Royersburg. We got to figure out who we're bringing. Oh my god. Yeah, we can't fill an hour.

It's so fun. No, we can't. All right, we'll see you, folks. Enjoy it. Weep it up. Praise our love. No one wants to be themselves. I'm in the heavens when legends cry.

Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe that we've got you.