Tuesdays with Stories! - #421 Whole Boost

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

Hoooo weeee, it's another great Tuesdays as we're pontificating about death, the biggest states, how we know what to eat, and more! Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays), Liquid IV (liquidiv.com code: tuesdays), Native (nativedeo.com/tuesdayswithstores or use code: tuesdayswithstories), Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays) Breakshot Pool available on the Apple & Android stores or at https://breakshotpool.com/ Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey folks Tuesday's stories is brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum We all know how hard it is to cut down on the smokes Look times are tough The world is kooky every now and then you do you feel like you need a drag From one of those cancer sticks, but I think the medical society has spoken up. You got to drop them You know you want better breathing you want better lungs you want a better life a longer life My dad used to smoke. He still sucks So get rid of them Lucy was founded by Caltech scientists former smokers who wanted to help other people quit

They set out to create a better and cleaner nicotine alternative It took three years of research and experimenting and they made Lucy a nicotine gum that actually tastes good Comes with three flavors wintergreen cinnamon and pomegranate. I like cinnamon feels like you're just chewing regular old gum It tastes good. It feels good. Only got each each one has four milligrams of nicotine. You don't like gum get the lozenge They got a nice cherry ice When you're craving a smoke just need a little something to satisfy the habit baby, so get Lucy and you're prepared Go or subscribe monthly. They'll come right to your house They're supporting this show so go support them get 20% off all products including gum or lozenges at lucy.co

With code Tuesdays, that's 20% off Lucy.co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout Here's a legal mumbo jumbo warning this product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical But you already knew that so get 20% off at lucy.co with code Tuesdays yeah Hey mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do great good to be here Welcome to Tuesdays with stories Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag Surf's up

And she didn't even flush knock knock who's there? Mark Norman and Joe list. Yeah, it's Tuesdays with stories everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy My radio is spitting at me Hey, buddy, welcome to Tuesdays with stories This is gonna be a fun one a wacky one a crazy one a cookie one. How you doing Marcus? Hey, I'm good We just had Chipotle. I got that full gut of pico de gallo That's it. Oh, okay. It sounded like it was more coming. Well, there's a shit coming

I'll tell you that there's a storm of Bruin in the old Belly it's a hard poops gonna fall remember when we used to the old Old days upper west side by the way, you know who I saw Schumer I saw Schumer second ago with you. So you know that for sure got that one just saw her looking good by the way Yeah, she's a mom nice to see her No, what was I saying? Oh, who did I see I did my hour at people say my hour? I just headlined the fat black. It's a little pretentious. This is my hour full shit It's like a one-man show or a special event. I know and it caught on it seeps into the thing

I'm saying it it seeps and then they say an evening with Joe Liz. Oh And even what are we going on a date? Candles and a horse-drawn buggy with a hand job, but ages so we go I go and do the fat black pussycat Great time Steve Big Dick Rogers Matt Wayne who's I think the funniest person on the fucking planet Nobody funny than old MW. I mean, I wish I could be one of these guys that could produce your album. Yes I'm like, how do I get to be that guy? I start a label. What do you love? I miss my dream a show called underrated and then in each episode. It's a 30 minute You go, hey Chad Daniels come to underrated. He's like great and then you get to it's like Rodney with the young comedians

Yeah, that sounds nice doesn't it because Matt Wayne is the funniest person I've ever met in my life killer jokes hilarious Yeah, he's got no album. No special. No YouTube. No Instagram money never said ha I mean, it's I want to just take it all and just shove it up everyone's ass. Yeah come But that's nice a lot of comics go. Hey, this guy's really funny. How can I ruin his life? How can I kill him? How can I fuck his wife and you're like, I want to help him, right? So a good guy here, but anyways, he's hilarious. It was a great time, but Back to the original point the point think Upper West Side old school. You know who I bumped into Came to the show. Oh, wow. Hold on. We're gonna get it. What D. Snyder. No

West Side the old days of the podcast Fatigate. No, you're never gonna guess. I'm giving you bad clues. Gee Shelby. No, no So I'll be buying a ticket to see me. I don't think so. Good point. Good point. Oh, right. They came and saw you. All right, hit me Mick the flow No, I don't think that to float Mick from Starbucks remember Mick Mick Nick I think it's Mick Rick. I think it's Mick. We're gonna make Starbucks. Oh, I would have never gotten that I know Go there before and after every podcast. He was Mick. He was a Tuesday. Give me a nice free

Tea, which I remember and you got the chocolate chip cook the cookie and you give me a cookie and a whole I think you got fire I think he's out in the streets. Well, he was giving out cookies like it was Riot act cookie right act Riot act read read you the riot act. It's got to be a law right the act Yeah, I guess like brown v. Wade act is that an act? That's a miscarriage. I think no, it's it's abortion. Oh, that's right Then this brown brown versus the board of it was everything brown a lot of browns back then not in not in the restaurants Yeah, those are both brown. Isn't it brown versus the board of education is Well, bro v. Oh, it's Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade. I'm conflating. Yes, you think a brown University or

No, I think that's a woman's name Brown versus the board of education. Yes. I think that's a lady that wanted to go to school And there was Murphy Brown. That was a show in the Cleveland Browns. Yes. Yes in my underwear brown Bad Leroy Brown. That's right. That's right. It's brown-eyed girl. Oh, yeah, she's good. Yeah. Yeah It's like Lepidia Brown. Remember that that's Brecanica. Isn't it? Encyclopedia Britannica once I leave you brown was a detective show. Oh, I don't know. It was like Indiana Jones You got a kooky name then this Emmett L Brown back to the future. Oh, that's right And then there's James Brown from the waist down

Living in America That's a James Brown lyric. He wrote that shit. Yeah, I had a word here. Hey, that's good. Well, you were saying something Miracle something Mick. Oh, I got it back. So We were talking about Mick on our way up the stairs in my apartment. We're talking about some old guy We used to know back in the 40s of quick comedy yada yada. We were just now. Yeah, just now Remember the guy did comedy. He said he's a Tuesday. Oh Yeah, and then I go Wow I haven't thought about that guy in like 20 years or 10 years or whatever and it all comes rushing back

And I think the brain really has in a finite amount of people that it can let you hang with Well, I believe I don't believe but I don't say that but I think you can recall Most things that happen in your life. You just need to be have a finger in your ass Right. You need a little boost. You need a boost. It's like trying to get hard Tony V has that great joke where he says people tell him stories or information. He's like, I'm sorry I got Bon Jovi lyrics up here. They're just aren't going anywhere

So you can say whatever you want, but it's not going to be stored up there, right because you have I got every line of good fellas gemmed up there. I can't I can't take in new information Yeah, but you ever see something like uh and say something, you know, you go back to your parents house You pop a vhs in you're like, oh my god I haven't seen this in year and this was my whole world. It's like a home video you made and you're like, what the hell is this? Who is that friend? I forgot about that guy. Remember his mom was hot. Oh man. We drove his dad's car it all comes whooshing back and It's another world and now you're in this world. That's why it's important to remember this when you're going through shit

None of this will matter. I mean think about there's an old adage. I try to do this bit. It never works ever But people say try to remember what you were worried about a year ago today Which is it's helpful. My bid is always I remember it was death I'm worried about death. That's what I'm worried about is death and but I think people it depresses people It's a bummer. I feel like if you change it to can't get it up or something it might soften it You can't hey, that's a fun pun. Ah I think you can't joke about death. I don't like it talk about death. They're like there's people It's the same people that are like don't say plane crash when we're on the plane. Yeah. Yeah, there's people that think if you say death

Someone's gonna die. Yeah, it's human nature. Well, you know, we were scared We had to invent heaven just to avoid this feeling of oh, we're never gonna be around which to me I find kind of comforting Like yeah, you're dead. You're in the dirt a worm is going up your ass and you don't feel it. You don't know it It's kind of nice. Yeah, I need something big up my ass to feel it these days But earthworm it all passes. That's the thing with school and that's the thing that's so frustrating You can't put that on a kid. They're like, oh my god. I got a zit on my asshole And my father hit me and my mother is getting divorced and my grandma's got great tits

And you go none of this is gonna matter not a thing like six weeks six years 10 years I know but it's hard when you're in the eye of the storm. You can't see the outside of that wind You got the cow going by and the barn going by you're like, this is it. I know it's all over You can't see the force from the queefs, but it's gonna be It's all cheese. It's all gonna be great. It's all fine. Yeah, but Anyways, Mick came to the show. It was nice to see Mick and his buddy was like his Hype man. He's like, you remember Mick? I was like, oh, yeah, Mick. He's like he used to be at Starbucks and then Mick was just sitting there kind of embarrassed

But uh, it was great to see Mick and Fat black is nice because I can I can pack it. Yes. It was like sold out. You're like feels good. It seats 28 people That's the best But uh, and it feels it feels loungy in there. I don't know if you folks have been to the fat black pussy cab But it feels very 60s Uh Vibey jazzy velvety fun like that playboy after dark kind of vibe. Well, that's what we tried to do that show Remember it was a big failure big flop. Oh, that was ugly. That was so bad. It was like the worst night of our lives

Yeah, yeah, I've had a few of those. We had industry there I think about that. It just sends a My p-hole god, I hate industry. They don't get it. We had people come and we got the the We had a naked guy. We had a beefy shirtless guy and then with a bow tie. We were trying to be sexual. Yeah, we ate it It's still a good show idea. It's not bad Tell the folks at home if you if you want to it was basically like the playboy show, yep But with us hosting and instead of like hot women would have beefy guys right to be

Inclusive would have like sexy beef cakes walking around with bow ties and no shirt handing out drinks And you can smoke and everything and then you have comics come up. We basically do the podcast what was podcast with Guests, yeah, I guess I don't know what the hook is but then I realized That show didn't have a hook either the playboy show the hook is it's fun Well, yeah, they don't like that shit because it's on tv speaking of fun. Here comes old dick dick cheese coming in Big long cat. I don't know if he makes it in the frame there. That's all right. All right. All right. He's up and at him I mean, how do you not uh, you're gonna go marble table or squishy fur chair You got to go for a chair. Yeah the fur chair, but I think this table is cool

And he's got some fuzz. So he's wrapped in a blanket. That's true So if I had my own blanket I'd still go with the chair and he is a main coon All right from main Sorry, he's a main Afro-american but from main it's a chilly climate up there. So I think they're they're bred to uh To be warm. So in the in the summer he was in hell. Is it actually main the state of Maine? Yeah, that's where they started No kidding. I got a man. We should bond over this. You ever go to booth bay harbor. There you go

That's our whisker move. What about bang or bang or and uh, you like steven king lewiston, main Uh-huh, this is portland. Also most, um Matchsticks come from main. That's a fun fact. No kidding. Yeah, that's the big uh Out export most coastline Uh one syllable state Yeah, you know what they say this this one hit me hard the other day England is smaller than texas Yeah, by a lot. Isn't that crazy though? I think of england. I think oh this empire they conquered everybody

They got bad teeth and horrible food and worse weather Smaller than texas. No wonder we can't get along. We're all we're too big. England's small. I mean England's smaller than new england. I mean, it's tiny. Is it? It's a little blip. I'd have to look at the square mileage But I mean, I think it's a lot smaller than new england. I mean, we're talking that we talk in the united kingdom the whole uk. I mean texas is enormous Maybe this is bigger than my dick. Well, maybe uk is a little more maybe they throw florid in we get the uk But uh, yeah, pull pull the map up there. I mean, look at it. There's the whole uk

But you got to really zoom in. Yeah, you gotta zoom in. It's like my dick Uh, you know, you got scotland on top there, but england isn't so big ain't so big But you just think of it as a superpower a big bend The beetles. Well, that's what the thing is they they've owned everything They've I think they've occupied like 87 of the planet at some point or another they got rugby in india for christ sake I mean, they've been everywhere. I'm getting the square mileage of england It's not much I'm shocked. I mean, it's just show size doesn't matter because they came in and really just on a lot of places

Well, I think if you just go in and start shooting people and killing them or whatever I think they had the the big technology back in the day. They uh, what do they colonize? That's what they do Yeah, colonialist imperialists. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Gerbilists, I don't know. There's all kinds of ists. I don't wear cologne, but toponomy history. Oh, there you go It's gonna be tough to get the square mile. I don't know. You might have to put that in the series I'll put it right in don't worry. Yeah, this is where we need a producer put it in my ass. Yeah england All right, here we go square miles Here it comes very exciting

50,000 square miles That sounds like a lot when you put it like that it does because when you fly to california, it's about 5,000 Well, I know I don't know if that's a square mile. No, that's not a square mile I think it's like 3,000 miles across the country. Oh, I thought it was five. I think it's five to england three to california How do you like that? All right states by square miles. It comes right up I know main is about 14,000 square miles. Alaska 570,000 That's huge. That's like a continent. So let's go through all the states that are bigger than england Geez, we don't have that kind of time. Sure we do

All right, I'm gonna start with I mean most of the states are bigger than england. Wow Just england. That's england. That's not the uk. Okay. It's just england But I'd like to know what the uk is we're getting real square. All right. I'm just gonna say this there's 27 28 states bigger than england All right. Well, Georgia, michigan, iowa, illinois, wisconsin, florida, dakotas, nebraska, kansas, yucca We're good. England's tiny. No, but I'm saying no wonder we're so divided and fucked up and and queefy because uh There's a lot of space So there's a lot of different thoughts a lot of different ideas. I mean you go to nashville

You're in honky tonk straw hat cowboy boot wearing Uh country town you go to florida you're Cuba do a line and have a plantain then you go to Phoenix and it's like blonde women with fake tits and dentists and golf carts Then you go to san francisco and it's about to hippie dippies and hobos. We're not united. It's all Kooky and quacky. I mean it doesn't make any sense. No, but we're not united, but we are united That's the thing We're united, I guess and that's the name of the states is united. Yeah, they're united. It's one country

You got one president and all that shit. Sure. It's all very It's diverse. Oh, yeah mentally and racially but Yeah, yeah, I guess it's a good thing Because it's kind of fun going to denver and be like, oh, it's it's a little rocky over here these guys are fun and different and then you go to philly and it's a bunch of meat heads and and hairy armed

mooks Yes So well, I think it's fine. It's like europe. I mean it's kind of like europe where you travel from country to country But that's even more diver because Switzerland and then italy you got different languages and whatnot You got sheep and then you gotta swar the harry greece ball. Yeah, so and we got both those here. I think Yeah, yeah, everybody's a sheep. It's all a lot of fun though. The world is a great big oyster. Yes, and we're Pearls or whatever pearl jam. Well, I don't know where I am anymore on this I don't either. I had oyster two days ago. I love a good oyster. I don't hate an oyster. It's like you didn't come

That's what I like It's like they put come on a shell and then you suck at dad. It's disgusting. It's like a jello shot to me Well, who's the first guy to eat one that guy was hungry? Wow, that's a that's a road. You can go down with everything true first guy to wipe his ass first guy to Swallow come first guy to you know, watch a movie is a lot of firsts I guess but a movie was made to be watched. I feel like an oyster some guy to crack it open and go Uh, there's jizz in here. This is not what I hope that there to be a berry or a nut I guess it is a nut

But uh, it's jizz and he had to slurp it down. That's how starving he was well think about it But everything I mean someone tried a pig foot someone tried to cook a cow. They ate it raw They got sick and died the whole family died. I mean think about how much has happened from here to uh We're living in a great time Minus the social media and division and all that stuff Of course society's crumbling around us and I want to kill myself every day here here But we know what we can eat and not eat you know like romaine lettuce People didn't think to eat that they ate poison ivy. They ate

You know, there's just his assholes on a wednesday for fun. Also spicy. So It's good like we I always think it's weird. I think we've talked about this before maybe how do animals know what's food and what's not food Like how do we know you look around the house? I know what to eat and what not to eat. That's a box That's a fucking cat toy. Well, you got to think food. We're all animals too and food is num More oh uno Food is number one. It's a how do I get food? How do I get it? Then it's like shelter Fucking maybe water, you know anal

so Food is uno So, you know these animals in the woods they wake up and just go food got to get food got to get food And so we're gonna that's our first job and we've got evolution. So you smell the You smell the glass and you go well that ain't food But then you smell a uh raspberry and you know that is but it's hard to know like but that's the thing with a cat Or a dog. They know you throw a dog A shoe. He's like that's not food. How do they know?

How does he know not to swallow a shoe? I think he might swallow a shoe. It is leather. It's an animal I don't know any dogs swallowing shoes. Uh dogs will eat anything I don't know. He's a peanut butter right now and prove it to you, but well peanut butter is food That's true, but one time I was uh a shoe on your dick. You're not getting a blow job But like if I drop a piece of turkey, he'll eat it the fat cat But if I drop a Tylenol PM, he'll go and he won't eat it. That's what I'm saying How does he know about the PM in the turkey? Well, one's a chemical and one's a meat Huh, so the ol factory

In the in the honker there and the schnaz is going no good good But that's what's so crazy because then you get in this weird twisty turny world of like But how does it how does his nose work? How does his nose go into his brain and then his brain works? Well, you're also talking about Thousands of years of evalue. I know that's what I mean. That's so exciting. It's very exciting That's how it had to have happened. It got passed down. I guess through one cat to a dog Right, you ever go to a small town and you're like, man, it's like a 1987 museum here You know, everything is a little older. The they're still wearing no fear shirts and uh

Baggy jeans on a hammer loop and you're like, oh man, you guys are way behind Yeah, but I guess the internet changed that a little Yeah, sometimes you'd go to a town in the 90s and you're like, whoo you guys are way out You guys just saying crazy shit that no one says anymore like radical or groovy, right? And then you bring those things back. I'll hear people say rad now. You talk to dean del rey. Oh, man Everything's groovy rad fire It's all it's he's doing all the decades that guy It's gonna range of stuff

But it is weird when you hear new words and then all of a sudden they seep in you start saying them That's true. I think we talked about this I'm like, I haven't seen you in a minute and I'm like, what the hell just happened to me people would say that and I'm like What are you talking about a minute? What is this horse shit? I'd say I said dope the other day I'm eating over here No, I know I caught myself. You're a dope. Exactly So it happens at seeps cherry the cat's eating its paw right now. Yeah, that's where they call that giving a bath He's giving himself a bath. That's really crazy. I mean, I'm sure this bit has been done, but

Imagine, you know, you Look at your own something on your thing. You just lick it off. I know these cats are idiots You really gotta care about yourself to lick shit off your arm Hey, hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by native deodorant Look, I smell horrible We all smell terrible. I've been trying to shower less. So uh, the fumes are cooking We go to the gym. We run. We work out and we just live and breathe We smell weird. The body has an odor. Let's be honest native cares about what you put into your body

And put on your body They want to stop you from stinking and they want to stop you the right way You know native for their legendary aluminum free deodorant But they take the same philosophy and made body wash toothpaste and mineral based sunscreen Hello broad spectrum spf 30 for your face and body It's lightweight absorbs quickly and you can choose between unscented or coconut and pineapple Get deodorant and body wash in amazing sense like coconut and vanilla Citrus and herbal must lavender and rose and more you can even build your own personalized product bundles

That's not bad Mix and match three of your favorite scents and keep them on rotation. So you have something for every occasion stay fresh clean With native by going to native do dot com slash tuesdays with stories one word Or use promo code tuesdays with stories at checkout and get 20 off your first order. That's native deo dot com slash tuesdays with stories Or use promo code tuesdays with stories at checkout for 20 off your first order Get on it Hey, hey tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by rake com You can't control the vibes in the outside world. Sometimes they're groovy and sometimes they stink

But you can't control the vibes that go into your noggin how with rake con earbuds I love rake con. I got a pair at the house. I keep them by the bed I throw them in my ear balls when I when I lay down when I watch tv sometimes i'll Clean and i'll throw these puppies in the sound is great. They snug fit right in that ear and they're just the crispest best Pipes coming at you. I mean I I put these on at the gym. I walk around the town. I love walking Christopher and uh, it's just a good time. You gotta get them They got the new everyday earbuds. They look and feel and sound better than ever

They've got a shiny new look optimized gel tips for the perfect in ear fit You get three new sound profiles to make sure everything you're listening to sounds great And just the right amount of bass you got pure mode for podcasts. You got balanced mode for Heavy metal and rock and you got bass mode for hip-hop edm and ray gay That's my gay porn name ray gay There's also a new all new awareness mode for when you need to listen to your surroundings a car honk Or a lady yelling at you. Maybe a cat call from a construction site. Who knows? So get on it. They offer eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life

Damn They also have a built-in mic so you can take calls at the press of a button Raycon started half the price at premium auto brands But they sound just as good if not better and with a 40 day happiness guarantee you have no reason not to try Right now you tuesdays can get 15 off all their products just for being our listeners Just go to buy raycon dot com slash tuesdays. That's b u y not buy like me That's it. You'll get 15 off your order. That's 15 off at buy raycon dot com slash tuesdays One more time buy raycon dot com slash tuesdays

Well, I think it's obvious to the folks at home. We're recording two episodes in one week You gave away the magic. Well, they're gonna be saying what's going on here. This is kooky I'd rather just give it to them give it to them straight. Yeah, you're a straight shooter. I'd like to shoot straight I mean they gotta say how come this is so wacky. This is kooky. Well, let me let me run this by you. Please Norway You've been there. Yep. Oh, yeah, you're the reindeer many times. I've been there had well reindeer I've been to norway four times in my life. Jesus. Who are you daniel simons? I'm a real norwegian I guess so you're a scandinay. There's a bunch of gays up there. I'll tell you that scandagavian

So I go to norway. No, I'm reading the norway news coronavirus Norway news Oh, I get the news from all over That's where I learned that texas is bigger than england, but That's the news Well, they're a little behind there. It was a slow day, but my point is

Coronavirus is declared a flu There today What's that mean? That means they're like, ah, it's a flu. We're calling it a flu. We're moving on Interesting. I think that's a good sign. I think we're maybe Pulling out a little bit. I feel like you go around new york even the master lower the uh The the amount of people giving a shit is lower people are sitting next to each other Here's what I don't understand though. Isn't it not a flu? I thought it was a corona virus and the flu is an influenza virus

I I can't keep track of what's what because I heard the flu now is just a version of the spanish flu Like eventually a cold will just be the corona virus will be a cold But I thought a cold was a cold I can't keep track of this shit the common cold. I know we can't get rid of the cold. They say it's incurable Right, no cure Uh for cancer Well, I was talking to collin quinn who just got covid again and he said his doctor was it was like nothing It was like a blip right he felt like he had a headache for 10 minutes and the doctor said this will just be

A calm this will be like the new cold in a couple years. Oh, that's I can live with that. Yeah me too Let's do it if you're vaccinated. I think if you're unvaccinated it it fucking rapes your mother or something Then they say the vaccine wears off in eight minutes and you got to redo it. It's it sucks But I'm happy to get a booster. It seems like fun to me I'll go get a boost give me the booster at a at a jamba juice You know, I don't want to go into the government building waiting line with the fat asian lady who doesn't speak english And then uh, you know, it takes an hour and a half jamba boost Yes, that's pretty good. But I think I was talking to somebody last night. They said they just went no identification

No, nothing. They said hey, I'll take that Pfizer boost and they shoved it right up their ass. So all right So I don't know what's what but I think we're fine. I mean, I think we're fine. I went to philly did meet and greets did every show Whatever no masks Shook hands kissed up on the lips same tested negative Sellers packed every night every night. You just got to show that card. That's how they get you Yeah, I don't mind showing a card. I got a card. I don't mind any of it Yeah, all right. All right. You know, it'd be nice if they could do other things with a boost

You get the booster vaccine give me a boost of uh, vitamin c penicillin and Portuguese speaking, you know, put it all on a boost. I want a whole boost I think you can get a de-boost for sure. Oh, you got a vitamin. Yeah One of those last night great great german film the boost Uh, but yeah, you take a multivitamin. The spanish is gonna be tricky. Yeah, that'll be two every time It's portuguese, but still eventually it's a chip I think you get a chip you get the portuguese chip you shove it in your brain or whatever That's what they're talking about in the future. You can scan your eyeballs

You can you can fuck your dad if you want, right? It'll all be chips. You can get an incest chip a gay chip A chocolate chip Whatever you can't have just one chip, but I uh, it's weird that everybody's like, I don't want them tracking me, you know with the vaccine But then you're like, you got a phone in your asshole every every 10 seconds of everywhere you're walking You got your steps marked. You got a satellite connection. Don't get me started on these people with the things It's just goofballs, but everyone's gonna hate me for sure. But It is it's crazy. I'm like if you're upset about the tracking

I hope you don't fly anywhere have a phone or do anything. I hope you're in the woods because that's what's going on here And uh, I don't know. There's a there's a camera on every single street corner everything Ah, I'm just giving up. I'm like, all right. We're tracked. What are you gonna do? It's like when they in the 90s, they would go the reading your emails the government knows me and I'm like All my emails say queep jizz and anal. That's it. That's what I said my aunt my grandma and I Put click send if you think I'm an ISIS come grab me I do say praise Allah every now and then I'm sure that'll I'm sure I'm on some list At the pentagon, but yeah, I don't know track away. I think you might have a smirk if you read my shit

I know and like all the stuff about the government and the patriot act. I get it But this is way where I mean the fucking facebook Makes the patriot act look like uh, you know the riot act I mean Get a little better than my act the phone really does know us better than why's know us Man, and there was a thing they talked about it on one of these fucking podcasts. I can't remember tristan harris I think was oh, he's good all the harris is a great dan sam tristan Ed greg it's pretty good. Oh neil patrick. Oh, yeah, he's fine. He's whatever

Uh, what about harris and ford harris and ford harris and ford. That's what I thought Anyways, it's probably more harris is greg harris. By the way, it was a relief picture for the boston red socks in 1981 Well, that could be made up. Um Well, it's all made up really I guess you're right. It's all perception What was I gonna say about harris? Oh, he was saying that your phone now the phones will know have the capability to know If you're gay before you do wow He's like, absolutely. That's true because they see how long you pause on one thing You know if you're falling a bicyclist you stop they're like well

He stopped on that for eight minutes and then he flew by karmine lecturing a pair of heels Interesting So the phone and then you google like what's it like to have a dick in your ass? Should I wear my mother's lipstick on friday? Man, I think you're reading my mind. So the phone is like, uh, we got a gay here. Yes And and he doesn't even know he's gay. He thinks he's just wondering what lipstick feels like on his butt You're dead, right? And verizon is like we got a live one here reel them in send them some photos of elton john in the 70s liberace

and uh You know shia labouf shirtless, but wow that is fascinating. This is how good the phone is I'll do the face recognition. You ever do that every day. I love it and I'll make weird face try to trick it It gets me every time and if I wear sunglasses, it still knows it's me see I can make a weird face and and and Fuck it up. I think though. I mean try it. Look you got it. It unlocked. All right Oh, wait, I think you tricked it. Oh, all right. Well, I take it all back. Yeah, I guess I'm not going full re Right, but now it's not doing it just regular. Uh, shit

Now there it goes. There we go. Okay. We're back j. No, I gotta remember to mention All kinds of reminders for the reminder our pal j nog Shot of special It's called something from nothing. We're in it. We're both in it. Yeah, we are it's really cool It'll be out on apple tv amazon prime comcast spectrum dish cox google play youtube vimeo jesus october 5th Marks in it. I'm in it and uh, go check it out. I got a sneak preview and it fucking kicks ass It's a great little special. You're gonna love it. So go check it out something from nothing j nog great guy

Good guy big gay good egg Comedy guy lives in queens done his show good kid. Does he live in queens? Oh, yeah I thought he's like in westchester or something like that. I think he's a queens guy born and raised On the playground. I think he I thought he moved out of there though. Oh, wait. He's got a house He doesn't have a kid I assume you go to queens to get a house. He's got a second kid. Oh gotta pull out there nagi I was talking to mike cannon. He moved to the country during the pandemic or his wife's mother or something And he's like I can't go back to the city. Wow. It's like it would be

Just horrible to do to your kid to be like, all right get back in you're gonna get a cement backyard again The kid's like, what are you shitting me? That's true. I think about that. I wouldn't mind have a little rug wrap But you can't what are we just gonna throw him in that playground every day? It's tough. You don't want a city kid I mean no offense. We love sam maril, but he can't drive a car. He's writing jokes all day He's a jew. I mean these city people are wacky. They're wacky people. They're on edge. They're they're they're quirky They got a cup of coffee when they're 11. They're reading the post I know I don't you picture sam being like three years old with a dunk and donuts coffee Totally and you got to be on the subway

I'm afraid of the subway a homeless guy asked me for a quarter. I take off running I kick him in the chest and dive behind a sewer sure sure and I'm 49 years old Well, I grew up in the in the inner city and it ain't pretty I'll tell you that right now I'd go to the suburb as a kid. I was like, what? Your bikes are the front law the doors are locked your mom's got an orange slices. What are we doing here? It's it's just a different breed to have a a baby a child a trauma the exhaust pipes and the The car sirens graffiti the litter the jerking forget it I remember when I was a kid my friend lived in the burbs lake view. That's what it's called always had a nice name lake view or

Bay whatever, you know bay hodge bay side. Yeah, it was always nice and then flowery and sunshiny so we were uh Hanging out at my friend's house and his dad was like a psycho, you know the scary dad He was from texas. He was terrifying this kid We just happened to walk outside dad's like, all right, let's go to the whatever the store and we're like, okay Yes, sir, and we see a kid go down their driveway with one of the bikes stole it Right out of the garage. Whoo like they had like a carport kid stole it the dad goes get in he chased this kid down Bumped his back tire. I mean he was weaving in and out of traffic chase this kid and the kid just Jumped off the bike and ran away and it blew my mind. Wow. He's like batman. He's batman. He's like a country guy

He's like, you know, I for an eye. I'll shoot you in the face. You steal my bike You know my property is one of those guys and you know, my dad's like, you know libtard a lawyer suit guy You know, he's like, hey, sunny. I'll sue you right and this guy was uh, he was a little more hands on My dad my bike I stole my dad went and found it which was fun in the car. Yeah, it was pretty exciting But it was stolen by uh, these two young girls who were older than us And they said, hey, can we borrow your bike for two minutes? We just gotta go down the end of the road Took my bike and God I gave it to him. I gave it over. They had tits. I was like 11. They were 12 or 15 or whatever

That would hold up in court. They had developed a little bit and they had a pair of tits and they said, hey Or they each had a pair of tits. It wasn't one pair between them for four tits Yeah, and they jumped in and just took off and then it was like two hours later I came home and I'm like dad some fucking hot twats took my bike And he said, well, I'll settle the score and we got in the car the old 87 Chevy celebrity And he found him and he said smarten up Bikes in the trunk. It was very exciting. Who are these? You never hear about gals doing a grand theft auto Well, it wasn't that grand and it was a bike but

It was so exciting. I mean, I would have given anybody anything when I was a kid. You're such a bitch I was the same way. I remember my next door neighbors came over Brian and Donnie and I just wanted them to like me. I started. I gave him a david robinson like rookie car It's worked like 75 thousand dollars now And I was like, hey, you want to take it? They were like, okay. What about this he-man? I was like take that And then my parents came home. My house was empty. It was like we got evicted and she's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I got a couple buddies I mean, it was just white walls. Everything's gone. The alf poster the hulk hogan

Lines on the wall there. It's terrible. Oh, man. Yeah, I was giving out blowjobs like there's no tomorrow But it's true. But how come we were the kid who gave away? We never got Well, because I'm not a bad person. I'm a good. I'm a sweet sweet boy and probably because my my parents didn't Give me any value or something. Yeah. Yeah, I think we're cut from the same cunt because uh, I'm with you there on the value We're we're discount rack I mean, I hated myself But also those other kids are like bullies. They had dads that fucking threw them out of the car if they talked or whatever Yep, so it's a it's a balance. Yeah

I had friends who were who are like us growing up, you know a bunch of nerds and dweebs and Whatever one time we were skateboarding on a church some stairs and this guy pulled up big black guy with like a raggedy ass Hoopty, you know like a hoopty a hoopty car, you know a piece of shit I never heard hoopty. You never heard hoopty. No, I've heard hopty dance. No hoopty. It's like, you know, it's like a shit box on wheels Oh, okay. It's like It's got the smoke coming out the rim falls off a jalopy. There you go sloppy a hoopty jalopy So he pulls up and uh, we're filming, you know, that was back in the early nights when you filmed skateboarding We had the big shoulder camera. Sure, you know at the vhs tape and the guy goes, all right

All right, come here. He jumps out of the door is open. He goes. He pulls his pants up He's all dirty. He's like, let me let me shoot you. Let me shoot you Hey, give me the camera and you guys come up and I'll get a better angle because you guys both need to be and we're like Okay, sir, and we gave him the camera. He got in the car and left Oh, where are the cameras? I don't know. They're at a pawn shop in new orleans. They probably exist Don't you always think about that when you lose something get something stolen that camera is existing somewhere right now I think about that all the time, uh, bill burr is that funny joke about he's like, what happened to roller blades?

This is a pile of roller blades in the atlantic ocean this high and I'm like, that's so true Everybody had them now they don't have them. I think about that with my suitcase that got stolen. If you remember Some episodes ago and I had an ipad with had like 75,000 photos of my wife's tits on it Oh, I remember those and I had a jimmy buffet like vintage yellow t-shirt that I loved more than anything I remember that. Sure. Quite a few t-shirts and undies and they're just they have to be somewhere Sure, and then there was that was when I left it in the cab Then there was the second suitcase and sarah's suitcase with all our I've lost two full suitcases in my life Not that far apart either by the way

Soul crusher when you lose a full suit with laptop your favorite shit because you only pack your good shit But it comes back to what we were talking about earlier. Now. I'm not affected by I wish I had that t-shirt when I think about it, but my life is fine. It's better than it's ever been So you lose a suitcase. It's like, you know, it hurts for a minute though You got to admit but it does it all comes out in the wash as they say Of course I admit, but I'm saying in permanence that feeling goes away Anything that has the ability to arise will fall away

And you can stick that in your pipe and blow me all righty Uh, yeah, I saw a clip of norm. I'm like I'm on all norm clip all day last night I did for like 20 in a row. I watched norm highlights. Do you follow that? I did it for like two hours straight. Damn. I almost sent you one, but I was like, I'll be bothering him Yeah, I was gonna send you but then it's like, hey, yeah, I got this one. Yeah, soul Right. Well, I've seen them all I think but one was uh, one I'd never seen it was 28 seconds And it just it was just norm and black and white and it said uh, I know times are tough But this two shall pass

We've all been through tough times We're all going through something and it was comforting to hear him say that and then knowing he had cancer While he was saying right and he passed. Yeah, it passed. All right. Pass the stone Uh, he's dead, but yeah, it's just such a pleasure to To watch him in your mind. You're like, that's so sad. He's dead, but to him. He's not sad Right. He's doing great. So the mom outlived him Yeah, that's sad. That is tough one of my favorite Seinfeld jokes They said the cv show

When he said uh, it's always a tragedy when the parents outlive the child and then george says Yes, I hope my parents die long before I That's great feels very larry. Isn't that weird too like uh, You know, your our parents are gonna die inevitably We will too but our parents are gonna die and it's gonna be hard And then you think like this is so sad But every single person in history went through that unless they died first Right

You think it's almost like when your friend gets pregnant. You're like, you pushed a kid out. Oh my god, I think you're clam That's insane, but we were pushed out. You were pushed out Everyone was pushed out. It's not a miracle. No, he just had a kid biology. There's like seven billion people in my Neighborhood, so yeah, you know not that miraculous, but it's all very exciting We're the perfect distance from the sun and rotating. Yeah, all that shit really worked out. So And then you pull back on that marble, you know, you're right here. Then you just pull back and the earth and it's just a vast ball

Rolling around in the atmosphere of a black space And we're sitting here going but i'm jealous, but i'm a thirsty That's why it's so fun like in apollo 13 and in real life when they went there You can cover the entire earth with your thumb. Yeah And I think was this jim level was talking about he's like it's crazy that everything you've ever experienced thought felt Person store long line. He's like it's all behind my thumb right now How insane is it to be an out of space? Yeah, there's some kid getting fucked as a Wolverine tearing apart another animal right now like a deer is getting bit in the neck all right now

And uh, yeah, I've always loved to do that. I'm like how many people are listening to brown sugar by the rolling stones right now I know there's a number of course there has to be a number of that and then how many people are having anal sex right now How many people are dying right now? Yeah It's it's all really interesting and then there's got to be like Somebody that has like a clown nose on the shit on their ass cheek right now right now Somebody has a bad wipe and they're they're wearing makeup And then we live in Manhattan or we live in new york So it's you can just walk around and there's this giant box with windows full of

Thousands of people and they're doing crazy shit. It's wild There's somebody jerking off right now while shitting and reading mad magazine in new york city. I bet Yeah, that's fun. I could do that all day all day Yeah, that's a good time Tuesdays of stories is brought to you by Break shot pool break shot pool is the only game on the app store specifically designed to be played between real life friends It's a fun and perky turn-based game and it's completely non-intrusive

No annoying ads are forced in app purchases. We've all seen that with break shot pool You can play pool with your friends without needing to be online at the same time When your friend plays you just get a notification and it's your turn and play whenever you feel like it Wow, this is the future folks the game is free and in app purchases are completely optional And if you're not a gamer or a huge pool fan, check it out. It's worth it Yes, I've been playing it and it's a lot of fun. It's really this is really where we're headed folks And this is cool. There's it's almost like when those guys would play chess back in the day You know one guy would move his piece and then the other guy would come by two weeks later and move his and

That was good stuff. You could cook a meal come back, you know Jack-to-kings ace pawn, whatever the hell it was So it's fun. Joe will do it. Then I'll get a notification. It's fun hearing from your friends and you're playing And you know, we all have weird intimacy issues So you get to connect with your pals without having to hug the game is free too Break shot pools available for iOS and Android iOS and Android can even play against each other. Whoo. That's rare So you have a real interact Interactical

Interactual you have a real Interactual queef there. Ah, that's fun. They put queef right in there Tuesdays who download the game in the next week will get a variety of in-game goodies for free to make your experience even better So go to the apple or android app stores and search for break shot pool. That's break shot one word B R E a k s o t and pool p o l So one more time. That's break shot pool break shot one word pool. All right Download the game and play already folks. It's fun. The developers are huge Tuesdays and we think the gays will definitely like this game Get it. Haha

So let's make break shot pool The game of the gays is Tuesdays. You're getting free goodies. The whole thing is free. So give it a shot. Why not? It's free Give it a gander folks. We're all a bunch of cheap skates And for those you can see the video. This is what the game looks like Check it out and get it now We'll throw that link right in there Tuesdays with stories is proud to introduce our brand new sponsor liquid IV Oh my god

We all got a routine you get up you do a push-up you rub one out you take vitamins you watch porn you go To the to the library you hit on the nerd chick She says no, then you go back and you know you you got a routine everybody's got something It's flu season support your immune system with proper hydration and vitamin One stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone These guys sent us a giant bag of this stuff Man, I just put it in everything now. I put in my water every day I'll put two in a day, especially if I know I'm gonna tie one on that night

Get on it. It actually tastes great. It feels good. You feel Hydrated, you know, it's almost like a car when everything's well oiled everything's just rolling moving right, you know, it's all clicking I love it. I'm dehydrated. I'm an alcoholic It helps you got to get on it. Take it every day. Why the hell not just feel better Keep that body lubricated healthier than those overpriced sugary sports drinks No artificial flavors of preservatives and less sugar than an apple. You can't beat it Made with clean ingredients non-gmo vegan and free of gluten dairy and soy Everybody hates soy. I think soy is bad for you

And the supporting frontline workers to stay healthy liquid IV has donated 11 million servings so far To hospitals ems food banks veterans and active military. I think they sent me nine million of those Thank you liquid IV and I've done a real IV and liquid IV and they feel very similar Grab your favorite liquid IV flavors nationwide at walmart or get it delivered get 25 off When you go to liquid IV dot com and use code Tuesdays at checkout. Yeah, it's an IV. You don't have to get the needle Everybody hates the needle. That's 25 off anything you order get better hydration today using promo code Tuesdays at liquid IV dot com Might as well just keep some at the house. All right

Let's go drinking We got the ads Ah, she's gonna text them later. Let's do it in post. All right post good cereal brand Also an office. Not really a good cereal brand. I mean, all right. All right post and what are they got? What's what's post? I think you got lucky charm tricks. That's post. I think it's well, maybe general mills There's general mills. What's the what's frosted flakes? Kellogg Kellogg is big Solid who does apple jacks that's Kellogg's too. Yeah, Kellogg's is like Kellogg is good ironically post stinks post is like

Many yeah wheat shit so much wheat too much wheat wheat ease might be post that might be Kellogg actually Call these Huh? All right, maybe I'll look that up too. All right might as well Kellogg Yeah, Kellogg is the good one general mills is They they got some solid stuff in the mills Do they oh, yeah. Oh, yeah mills is good general mills and the bisco

Cereal the bisco is more cookies. I think yeah, you're right. Oh, okay. General mills has got some shit. Ah, lucky charms tricks Yep, uh, cocoa puffs. Oh come on. These are classic. Wow. Lucky charms is good. Yeah. Now. What about post? Post cereals. I think post might have one or two hall of famers post cereal brands. Ah, I don't think it's alphabets Get the fuck out of here with alphabets. I'm dyslexic. I hate alphabets Oh, I got alphabets soup. I need some new bits. Yeah favorite breakfast cereal from oh pebbles Grape nuts What am I my aunt? Oh, this sucks. Yikes. Where's the wikipedia? No wikipedia here All right. Well orio's orio's

Cereal no, that's a serious orio's. Oh All right, I just want a list. How come I can't get a list they can't list on a iPhone tough there's no it makes me so angry and there's not I know you just want to just look up what I want you to find Yeah, quick. Just give it to me nine more rows post consumer brand. All right. You're off Oh, I got it all here's the list. Here's the list. Oh, we got a list alphabets brand flakes chips ahoy golden crisp grape nuts honeycomb pebbles post them

waffle crisp This is dog shit. Yeah, they got a couple that keep them in In business like pebbles. Let me get Kellogg's here. Oh, wow. We're about to shit blood. We hear the Kellogg's line up Cornflakes frosted flakes pringles egos cheese it who's it in pringles with milk? It's in battle creek, michigan Brands they got their own brands ego garden burger pringles sunshine biscuit. Oh, they're killing it cracklers crack crack horse Serial fruity snap. All right. Here's the cereal. Here we go. Hit me. Thank apple jacks. Okay, and flakes Cinnabon

cinnamon mini buns Cocoa krispies. Aha corn flakes corn pops Crispex crunchy nut. Hell. Yeah crunch arose never heard of it dildos dildos. Put that in me Fruit loops frosted flakes. All right frosted mini wheats fruit and fiber honey smacks Jesus Uh, the dildos of my fruit loop. Yeah gizmo's pop tarts raisin brand raisin wheats Rocky mountain chocolate factory. That sounds like my panties after I go to a broncos game That's a game for scooby-doo special k

SpongeBob three of those are drug related by the way. Oh, yeah. Good point special k smacks Uh heroin. Oh, there's some discontinued cereals. Bart Simpson's no problemos that one. I'm not even making up. Wow This just sounds like a guy who's bad at Spanish Uh, what do you want sir? No problemo. Just trying to get by see three p.o.'s I mean, that's a louisie k.o.'s Oh, man I finished those early All right. All right. Well, we learned a lot there. We got uh, england. We got cereal

We got the earth. We're really pushing the audience to the test here. Let's see what kind of episode they'll They'll sit through. Yeah. I'm on uh, no sleep. What no sleep. I couldn't sleep. I just lay there My brain just reels. I know what you mean. If I don't take some kind of pill same. I got problems I'm taking benadryl p.m. I know what's the other thing that's supposed to be natural melatonin Hb. What's that? Feel feels used to send us stuff. I haven't gotten anything in a while Yeah feels you blew it fanny hit us up But yeah, I it's a mental block. Yes. I'll fall asleep and then wake up not to mention I got the bladder of an 89 year old woman. I piss every eight minutes

Yeah, not a good bladder over here. You you you on a road trip. I can't even imagine it's bad I got jimmy legs. I'm drinking tea all day and I toss and I turn same and I'm hot and bothered and I get the music every little loop a song loop Song yeah song just goes over and over over and over, you know Wheels on the bus go round and round round and round round and round Thought loop. I get like cancer in your ass Um

And then I have a thing where I don't know about you, but like when I'm stressed or anxious I'll I'll use sat I'll think about sex to take me out. I do the same thing. I'm like, I'm just fucking my aunt But then that's what I do. I know I'm having too much anxiety where all I can think about is like, you know, you know Nylons on a woman on a school bus sure and like leather shoes in my ass. So okay. I think about past conquers Oh, I don't have a lot of conquers. I see a lot of divides. No conquers double surrenders. Yeah Yeah, well, I think about old uh old haunts and uh old old gash and really uh like Like trying to bring myself back there like oh remember in 88 when you went to the halloween party and she was dressed as a jack-o-lantern and I was the candy and Good times. Yeah, I hear you but yeah, it just it starts to race and I get anxiety now in the morning

This is why I wake up at like 7 a.m. Yeah And people are like jealous like you wake up early. I'm like I get up early because I'm having a panic attack Right. I gotta send email. I gotta blow my father. I gotta call my mother and tell him about the blow job And so I just get up. Yeah I'm the same way and then they you know, these people wake up and they go, oh, I got two more hours. I'll sleep I'm like, what do you mean you got two more hours? How do you just go back to sleep? That it's mind-blowing to me and also This is interesting too. I'm 75, but I still wake up with hard-ons

Really? Yeah, I wake up with a rock hard car. I'm like Jim Morrison in leather pants I get one a month maybe I used to be daily and then you have to go pee in the toilet and you'd hit the the shower But now I get one a month. I'd say and I have to be dreaming about my dad Or you know, whoever the teacher the principal the cop the butcher or the cat The candlestick maker. Oh, yeah I think it's a nursery rhyme or a christmas. But you're the baker and the candlestick maker What is the what's the origin of that? I think it's one of those, you know, up your button around the corner You know, it's one of those limbricks from the sea. I never

I never got into anything. I was a kid for about six weeks. I never got into any Kid thing cartoons fable. What's an asop? I saw Fable he's a guy he had some stories and like little misriding hood and all that shit I'm like, I always hated it. I'm like get out of here. I like I'm serious. I like the godfather when I was like 10 Right, right, you know, I'm like sports. I was all sports It's true. You were never a kid. I had no childhood. No thunder cats. No transformers. No power rangers I watched I was too young for power engines. I mean I watched thunder cats. I was in it for like a minute But yeah, that must have been tough as a little struggling nine-year-old when you're reading playboy

Oh, I struggled big time. I like sports. I loved all the sports, but And then I got into movie. I was into like kid-ish movies overboard. Honey, I shrunk the kids Yes, I was into Bill and Ted. Yeah stuff like that You know, uh, money python. I was into young and ferris bueller. Yeah, but even wrestling I was into I was like 11. I was like, all right. This is a little silly. That's how I felt the guys got Tight hot pants on and long hair and he's oiled up. Well, what are we doing here? He's hitting you with a chair a guy in a business suit and then I got into like Billy Joel and it was all like It's nine o'clock on a Saturday and I had like this downtrodden. He like yeah drinking. I'm sad. Oh, yeah

It was it was bad. I wish I was listening to like You know Some romper room or whatever the fuck it is Or barney. Yeah. Well, the the Other opposite end of that is the guy we know who has 900 action figures on his wall and he plays with him every night And then he puts on ginger turtles pajamas and has a bubble bath with a little rubber ducky. Yeah, I find these guys that are into Wrestling still a little bit off-putting quite frankly. It's a little odd. I get it And then sometimes you feel weird because you're the only one at the table who's not into it

They're like in macho man, you know face fucked a million dollar baby or whatever Like wait, what who cares the guys wearing a green suit. They're they're 48 year old men with an opioid addiction Well, and from what I understand wrestling now It's like peter jones versus steve murphy. It used to be ultimate warrior versus Oh, yeah, it was like jokes. It was like super heroes. Yeah. Yeah, that's the undertaker Yeah, he was from death valley, which is silly and then he was fighting like the rich guy came out and then there was like He's this guy's from australia and he's had snakes in his pants. That's right Bushmen or whatever the bush?

Yeah, that's true macho man was silly would eat the slim gym He had a beard and sunglasses on and now you're right They just take a job and they they crazy it up. They're like, this is the gardener. He's got a weed wacker Oh, I thought they don't even do that anymore. I thought it was just like Oh, maybe you're right versus mike. Well, there's there's like steve austin Right, but he's he's got even that was 20 years ago now. Oh, is that right? We're old. No, then i'm out. I'm out No, steve austin's he retired. I think 15 years ago. Oh, jeez. Well, what the hell do I know? I will say this wrestling the only thing that's sadder when you go when you go pro

Hmm, maybe prostitution. Yes, isn't that a little bit of yours? Never worked. Yeah Not on here either here. Not really But I was just like, I think I know that from you Yeah, I tried to get it to work the big joke at the end was uh, well the only thing similar is uh, at the end You both are you get choked out by a guy in a suit Good thing. Yeah, right Yeah, no, that stinks. All right, but the premise is great. The premise is something very good Professional I went professional

Well, what do you mean? You're uh, you getting paid? Well, yeah, but I wear my father's underwear. I don't know something Yeah, something. It's tough tried to crack. That's an old one. I remember that from like You know 2005 or something. Give me five more years. I'll crack it I gotta sneeze. It's one of those bits I put on the back shelf and uh, oh Jesus christ almighty. It's a sneeze burp Hallelujah. You put on the back shelf and then you know, you're in the shower one day when you're getting divorced and you go I got it

I don't know if this is a back shelf. It's a back burner. Ah, just a regular shelf. This top shelf Sure top chef. What about when now when the guy you go? Hey, you got any shoes? Let me check the back shelf. They go in the back. I don't know the back shelf. I don't think that's regular Maybe just the back. Yeah. Yeah, baby got back. Have you heard this new term? I keep hearing I want my baby back. I hadn't heard this ever my whole life heard it six months ago now I'm hearing it every 10 minutes hit me Let's table it Have you heard this not once it's new you're gonna hear it now

It's one of these things that now that I've said it you're gonna start hearing it I feel like I would have noticed table it you're gonna hear it I think industry people say it will table this for another time table you put it on the table But it's already on the table Right. No, I think it's in their pockets So they take it they put it on the table and then they come back to the table. I guess it seems like you'd put in your pocket Let me look this up to pocket it Pocket it makes more sense to me. I think it's in the pocket

Now it's on the table and there's pocket pool, but then there's also take it off the table Exactly. So take it. It's the opposite of take it off the table The table to take it off the table has to be on the table then there's under the table Table and dreaming. Yes on the table. You got to table it I don't know table they're working backwards I'll tell you off the table and added table. That's gonna come and go. I that's not sticking I can feel it. By the way, I'm happy to announce or say remind you I said that about the fidget spinners I was like, I give this six weeks

Fuck all you got remember Lewis Gomez was like obsessed with fidget spin. Oh my god He's doing videos about it that and the hovercraft came and went Oh, what's hover? Maybe there's a two the two wheels. Did you put your stand on it? Oh, yeah It was the hottest christmas item every kid tom dick and anal had to have one and uh that that came and went but You know what stuck was uh, let's unpack this Yes, that's uh, I think table it is is the new one pad. Okay. There's also put a pin in it was big too Here it is idioms by the free dictionary to delay postpone or suspends Something for future consideration or discussion the legislature agreed to table the motion for another day

Table a motion to postpone. Okay made it on the internet, but I don't know if that's sticking Table is no good. Where does the expression table it come from? And oh, yeah, here it is parliamentary procedure. So I think it's been around Usually means postpone finally made it to the uh Common vernac difference between american and british usage blah blah blah isn't it weird in britain and england we both say It's on the up and up in britain it means like It's coming up. It's getting better. Yeah, but in america. It means like square

It's on the up and up This guy's offered me a hundred bucks. Is he on the up and up? Yeah, that's what that means here right in england that means and I found this out because saris is up and up And I'm like, I think you're saying it wrong, but I didn't want to say anything to her So I googled it. Uh-huh and in england it means something else. Yeah, it's on the up and up meaning like it's going places It's on the come up. Yeah, interesting like this neighborhood. It used to be shitty, but now it's on the up and up Uh-huh, but we use a completely different way. I think theirs makes more sense I guess I don't know where ours comes from the up and up the up and up

There's no down and down. No, it's down and dirty. That's true. Uh-huh. I'm down interesting. Yeah, it's interesting how those, uh Those things change There's a street over there that used to be called, uh Orchard street and just through time saying orchard orchard. It just got changed to orange street Wow, isn't that weird? That's very weird, you know, because just uh, you get some foreigner guy coming in and he goes I'm going on or Maybe it was a doubt syndrome, but over time. I just kind of uh, it's like in new orleans. We say where yet Where yet meaning like how you doing? But it's where yet

And yet is now a word and we call we call uh, like rednecks. Yeah, it's like guys are really yet Weird because you say where yet Hmm cultural Yeah, well you should table that. Yeah, we'll table it That's on the up and up That's just fun. I think ah something here. Yeah, that's weird. It's interesting I think people I will get a lot of people going. Hey, that was weird and fun kooky. They had moments The the thing in the uh with the ocean like you you lose your jimmy buffett shirt the suitcases. That was a moment

No, I think it's been good. All right. I'm I'm like delusional. I'm so tired. I'm like, uh, Woozy maybe take a couple pms Do I got shows? I meant tomorrow not tonight after the shows after the shows. Yes. Yeah, it's all Stressful, you know you ever have this I uh made sweet sweet love to the lady earlier and you're like, I'm glad I got that in Because now we're not doing it tonight Hmm That makes sense. I think I have a different kind of situation. Uh-huh I never had I don't understand these people that are like, oh, my wife wants to fuck

I've initiated every single sex ever ever. Well, I initiated but I'm just saying you're like now I have to worry about that tonight I'm like, there's no thing where we're like, we got to do it Oh, well, I'm just saying it was a I like a daily Oh a daily. Well, maybe not a daily, but uh, if you do it once of the day, you're you're good Is what I'm sure John daily. Yes daily show Yeah, but I'm I'm old now if I fuck three days in a row. I'm like, I need some days off. No, I get that I can't uh I can't be thinking of someone new every day. No, that's a lot of imagination. I mean, so Meet more people

But yeah, I like a nice three spot Three spots three days in a row and then you're like this. Let's take the weekend off But in the old days, you know, I'll be jerking off every 10 minutes I see a bare foot and I jerk off I'd see someone throw up in a garbage can have to go beat off Yeah, I didn't know you were into the grizzlies, but I what is it about a hotel room? I'll jerk off four times in a day just because it's it's easy I think we're lonely and there's nothing to do. There's nothing doing your dicks right there

But there's that Murphy's law or whatever the fuck. No, that's not right. What's the other one? Pavlovian law Dog, whatever it is That was fun. There you go As soon as I walk into a hotel my dick just shoots up into the sky and I got to beat off into the bible immediately Talk about up and up It is right there. It's something about the mirror or the smell the the comforter. Yes the remote

I save I put that remote up my ass. I I close the blinds and really spray one on the wall Immediately. Yeah, immediately. What do you what do you do towel? Oh, I go get a towel. Yeah, and then every once in a while I will either on purpose or accidentally confuse my pizza towel with my jerking off towel And I'll just smear a big thing of cum. I got I just got jizz and pepperoni right on my cheek Man, oh man, oh man All right, then ain't cheese folks There we go a little popper at the end there anal popper

All right, where are you gonna be this uh upcoming year? Oh, I don't even I think I caught your delusion Maybe you got coveted and I'm catching it now. Well, you're welcome delta Um frequent flyer. I'm flying delta tomorrow. I'm at bananas this weekend. Uh friday saturday in rutherford with matt wane and ray goots What's that goots last from the past? Yeah, I'm excited. It's got to be me matt wane ray goots Down there in uh rutherford. What else at jersey rutherford behave Yeah, I think that's where the uh giants player this they used to play Maybe that's what you're playing in the stadium giant stadium. Well now it's met life, but anyways I am also

November is big november. I will be at chicago zany's portland helium and Providence comedy connection all back to back to back plus skankfest So I will hope to see you guys there get some tickets and please subscribe to my youtube page There's a bunch of shit on there and i'm gonna put a special out there Early early next year shooting hopefully in december. We're trying to finalize a date But uh, please subscribe to that and uh, yeah, that's it very exciting good stuff. I'm uh portland, origan Rochester, boston new orleans Uh dr grins and grand rapids

royal oak Atlanta Bucket theater all kinds of stuff. There's your pooper Check out the special on youtube Check out the patreon get a shirt. Shelby's got new shirts. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, we got killer We got a we got a plug killer new merch. I mean Best merchant town. I don't know Boy, hold on. I'll find it. Shelby will shoot us in the dick. Yeah, we forgot it last time

But he puts it in the description on itunes. So, uh, Give it a whirl. Let's see. Here we go. Shelby easy does it Oh, there's fanny and shelby. Oh, it's shelby and me and mark. Here we go. There it is What do you got twitter hold on this. Oh, there it is. You got it. Oh, I got nothing comb I just got comb. Yeah, comb. So good. I prefer a brush comb Keep calm and carry on. You got there. Here it is. I got it hit me Tuesdays with stories dot big cartel Dot com b i g c a r t e l here here Tuesdays with stories dot big cartel dot com tons of new kick ass stuff Killer merch calm like look at these things. You can't even see it, but they're really cool shirts. They're super cool

We're like army guys. I look like Harrison Ford. You're Rambo. I don't even know what the fuck that is But it's great. Yeah, the colors are fun colors and whites Separate check it out buddy equal here here church and state. Thanks guys. We're uh, we're gonna pass out We're on edge. Thank you. Praise. I'll uh, queep it up. Georgia's saying cut it