Tuesdays with Stories! - #422 Red Light Fail

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

It's a piping hot ep this week as Joe gets a massage before a very invasive T.S.A. search while Mark travels to Madison, WI and has more car and moped troubles. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Better Help (betterhelp.com/tuesdays), Keeps (keeps.com/tuesdays), & Honey (joinhoney.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Here we are, folks. We're creeping. We're zooming. We're potting. We're all over the place. I'm in Nashville. I assume you're in a gay queen. Yeah, I'm in Queens. I'm just at a gay club. I go in the morning, blow a couple fellas, and I'm in my bedroom now. Hey, there you go. It's better than coffee. You get the cream. All right. Cream. Yeah, it's a Zoom show just to warn everybody. Sorry. Fuck us. Email us. Text us. But we're ships in the night. You're in Smashville. You were in New Orleans if I'm not mistaken. And then you fly back Monday.

I fly out Monday. I'm heading to Palm Springs to watch some tennis and do another vacation because I haven't vacationed in a while. Yeah. I'm doing the whole wedding venue. Boy, it really makes it real. When you see these venues, you go, oh, yeah, we're doing this. Shit. I bought you a ring. I thought I was done. Yeah, it's right. Well, you guys sprung right into it. I bought the ring and took about a year and a half. I didn't even see her for six months. I mean, this is crazy. That was going to happen. I was a monkey on my back. I thought the monkey got AIDS or swine flu. And here we are. I'm walking through churches going, oh, what do you got? Oh, 1880. How do you like that? Good year. What is that? A stained glass? Get out of town.

Brutal. Churches. You're not doing a church, are you? We're not. We're not. You walk through because these churches now, some sexy gay guy buys it and makes it all jizzy and cool lights and they make it all hip. And so it's not secular. That's the big word. But it's still a church. It still feels weird. So we're doing a, we got it. We found a place. What is secular? That means just the people of that sect? I think, I didn't know either. It means it's not religious anymore. It's just like open to the public normal, not weird and culty. Because they say sect. I don't know what sect is. There's all these words that you don't even go over. You just hear sect or denomination. I'm like, I don't know what sect is. I don't know what denomination is. I

don't know what sexual healing is. I don't know what gay sect is. Well, sexual healing is a song by Marvin Gaye. So that was close. But I think non-denominational is weird because it's money too. What denomination is that money? That's a two. It's a one. It's a five. Well, I know domination sex. That I know. I did that this morning when I was getting my cream. Dominatrix. Yeah, right. And then there's non-denominator, which is a fraction. And common denominator. Yes. That's me. My therapist. That's always bad when you get called a common denominator. Well, I think the common denominator is you and you're like, oh, it is me. Yeah, that's always hurtful. When you're trying to like complain about something and everyone's like, I think it's you.

You're like this. Well, that's not what I was looking for. I got to find a new friend now. Yeah, yeah. That's stung a little bit. But hey, I guess it's better to know. So you have a venue? I mean, can you talk about this? This is secret. This is the fastest engagement to venue of all time. Yeah. Well, she's quick. She's easy. She's a whore. And I got right in, but we flew down there. You know, let's be honest, it's a trip to New Orleans. You get drunk. You do drugs. You do anal. But we put 10 places on the books. And one guy, we went out drinking one night. One guy goes, have you tried the Beauregard house? And I go, ah, what the hell is that? We got eight places on the list of the top tier. And we go there and

we were sold instantly. Wow. Did you cancel the other 10 or just? Well, it was like the last one we saw. We canceled the other 10. We said, thanks, but no thanks. Blow me dickless. And we went with Beauregard and it was like super cheap. Everything locked in. You know, you go to one of them, they go, you go, this place is beautiful, but they only allow 12 people. And you go, ah, we got more people in the clan than that. And then you go to this place and they go, hey, you got to have no music. They're weird about music. Ah, well, that's out. I want to play the reggae. And so every place you were kind of settling. And then this place had everything we wanted. Wow. So it's a bar, a restaurant. It's old.

It's young. What kind of place we talk about? Is it German? It sounds German. Beauregard is an old general who popped into New Orleans. So they give him a how. That was the thing back then. Now we go, you know, Brad Pitt lived here. Back then it was like, hey, you know, Napoleon ate a girl out here and then they named the house after it. You know, back then a general was a big deal. Now you get John Goodman in there and they put a plaque on the wall. I had a general with Fox out in LA and nothing came of it. Yeah. Well, it's weird. You can get a general and then you might get a pilot. We're really going down the line here on military. And then the show tanks. Oh, that's great.

I got a pitch next week. And it's what's weird because I know you've had this. You do this thing at this business called show, which some guy in Detroit was like, hey, a little, little hot tip. It's show business and show is four letters and business is eight letters. So you should do that amount of effort, double the effort in business as show. He said, everyone's wants to do show. You got to work on business. And as he's saying this, this like, you know, 48 people in the crowd of the managers is like looking at me going, you didn't sell any tickets. What's going on? By the way, fans are now in on the tickets. They're aware of sellouts of tickets. I had a Tuesday come up and go, were some of the shows sold out or is this? No, no, none of the shows

were sold out. Thanks for asking though. That's all these podcasts and these comedy seminars and everything's behind the scenes. And you got a Kevin Hart's going to take you in the green room and eat your ass and all this. And it's ruined everything because the magic is gone. Now they know what a tag is. What premise you're working on. You know, what do you hack? They know all the lingo. I know it's our fault. We've been doing it. We got the inside. Everyone goes, I love listening to your show. It's inside baseball and all these young comics. Now they listen to the show and they go, hey, I know what you say. You got to just come right out and go for it. So will you, will you, you know, officiate my wedding? I really love you. Will you buy me a hot dog?

Yeah. Yeah. They go, did you hit your bonus? What's the guarantee? You go, ah, get out of here. You're a, you're a fat guy from Cleveland. Why do you know about a bonus? Shouldn't be a bonus. Greg bonus. But I can't even remember what I started talking about. Oh, sorry. You got a general. I got a, no, the general's over. Now I got a lieutenant, but I got to pitch a show, but it's weird because you're a trooper. These shows, you develop them for fucking six years. I'm like a different guy. It was about how I want my first pub and now I'm 58 years old and we're finally pitching, but I think it bows well because I don't even give a shit anymore. It's been so much time. Yeah. You fall out of love with it after a while.

It's like, uh, it's like a dog with AIDS. Eventually you got to just shoot the damn thing. You know, you're at first you're like, I got to kill old yellow. Oh my God. He, I love the dog so much. Then he starts biting your son and you go, all right, put him out back. I'm going to shoot him in the head. Well, I'm hoping this thing bites my son and we, and we sell it, but I'm excited, but I always think of Shawshank with Morgan Freeman at the end. And he says, you go stamp your papers, sunny boy, because I don't give a shit. And that's what I'm hoping for with this pitch. I go, ah, I don't know. I got a big movie coming out. I'm an executive producer. I'm a star. I'm a writer. I got 17 podcasts. My father's gay.

I'm going to get canceled every minute because I said, you know, whatever about whatever. Yeah. Just give it, just stamp your papers and they're going to go, you're on NBC eight PM. You said it's the perfect parallel, perfect analogy that Morgan Freeman, it's, it works with women too. You know, you go, Hey Susie, I love you. I'll do anything you want. I'm down on one knee. You're the love of my life soulmate. They go, ah, get out of here, you twink. And then if you go, Hey, you fat whore, put it, put it in my ass. I like pegging. You want to meet my dad? They go, who is this guy? It's like the opposite George. Yeah. That's a good point. Well, I think I was just talking about this last night and I talked

about it before. I think that I, I think I could do well now with women because my sex drive has gone down so much. When you're like 25, you're like, please, I need to fuck with the love of God. I'll do anything. I'll watch a shitty movie. I'll kiss my father on the lips for God's sake. I'll just give you money, please. Yeah. But now it's such a power to be like, I've had all the sex I need, whatever. That's true. It's attractive. It's what you, you're dripping with desperation back in the eighties and it's coming out of your eyeballs and you want to come on theirs. But my friend put on Tinder. He's like, I'm going to go the other way. I'm going to go the other way. He wrote, I have no sex drive. I just love to read. And he said he got laid all day long after

that. Who's this? Costanza? I know he tried it. He's like, what's it? It's a profile. I can delete it. Who cares? I'll give it a shot and this guy cleaned up. Talk about a heart cover. I mean, look at that. I got books up the ass. Look at that. I got breathe. I got unwinding anxiety over here. I got some Raymond Carver. I don't even know who that is. I think the killers of the jizzy moon. I got Pema children over here. I mean, this is crazy. Look at all these books. Wow. Yeah. I'm a librarian. A worm. Yes. Yes. Sperm. But yeah. No, I think, I think you would clean up now. You're an adult. You have some money. You got a car. You got glasses. You'd be killed it. I don't think the glasses is so good. I wouldn't take out the glasses. I think some chicks

dig a nice four eye. Maybe. Well, I guess you get to reveal, you get to take them off and then you got like a new look. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Wow. You look like a different guy. That was like the movie all that. I was like, who is this guy? I got a nice haircut going for me too. They love a good haircut. I got my first ever haircut from an Asian. Asians are cutting hairs now. I've just seen them cutting some stuff. They cut nails. They cut you a check and they do dry cleaning. What Asians are you working for? Yang. I guess Acme. Acme Comedy Club. Lewis. Oh, yeah. But I went to this. Asians are good with grooming. I guess so. Yeah, they're good with everything. And I got a massage yesterday. I'm

really, my bagel place is all Asian. I got a full body massage yesterday at a place, which was very exciting. It's only the second time I've ever done that. Where are you? I'm in Astoria. You get a massage? Yeah. Well, I pinched a nerve during the filming of my film. Wow. Swinging a pillow. It's a whole embarrassing story. I literally was like hitting a pillow and I was like, I just heard a pop and it went all the way down my spine. Wow. That's the most LA sentence, by the way. I was shooting my movie and I had to go get a massage. No, I got to get my green juice, hit the yoga, and you know, fuck a kid. I do all that stuff and a green juice produced it. But I love green.

I went over there and I do think, if I was like rich, I feel like I'd just have a masseuse. These people must be living great lives. These really rich people. You wake up, you get an hour long massage. I mean, this lady beat the shit out of me. She was pulling on my panties and punching the side of my leg and she got her elbow in there. There was hot stones. Wow. Good band. But now, wait a minute. Let me ask you this. Does it help you? Do you walk away going, wow, I feel like a new gay? Or do you say, I need a data recoup? I don't know. It feels like, Korean lady with her elbow in my asshole is in my idea of a party. Maybe it is. I like a fist. I guess, I don't know yet. The answer is undecided because I still got this crick. It came back.

I thought it was gone. And I also have all this anxiety going because it feels weirdly dirty. I feel like you walk out of there and I feel like everyone's looking at me like, did he just get a hand job? Right. And I didn't. But the guy's eating food at the desk. He's listening to music, watching Asian YouTube. And it just feels weird. I feel like she's held hostage. Maybe this is all racist. I don't know. But it just felt strange. And also, I guess I'm a loser, a douche, a piece of shit or whatever. But the little hole you put your face through, your dad's pussy, mother, whatever. You put that, it is like being born. You put your face in there. It smells like fish. You're crowning. So you put your face in there. But my Adam's apple, it sticks. It's on the pad.

And then when she pushes, I feel like it's caving in my trick. Is that normal for people? Well, now you're getting choked, which is even hotter. But I think that is normal. Maybe you got to lower your face a smooch because you got a long upper body here. So your neck is maybe in the wrong spot. I think so. And I left my underwear on too because I just feel weird and she kept tugging on them. So I think you're supposed to take your underwear off. She was pulling the legs up and the band down. Who did it? Travolta? Who was the lady in there? I don't know her name. But she was just peeling my leg up, which I got all these butt pimples. The back of my legs are just horrendous. No, I don't even look back in that area. I can't do it. It's all in groans.

It looks like a teenager's forehead on the day after Halloween. It's bad. Yeah, whenever I'm naked at my house or anywhere in a hotel, I walk around the house backwards because I don't want to see the back door. I do that with sex. My wife and I, we have sex and I literally back out because I just think at any given moment, there's a big smear of shit across my butt cheek. Yes. Or you got a huge patch of shaman back there and a hot wheels and a paper clip. It's scary. I'm crowning. There could be a turtle head sticking out. I just picture a piece of shit on my asshole at all times. Same, same. Yeah, yeah. I got a ton of hair. The back of my asshole looks like Peter Jackson's head. Give that a goog. That reference works if you know them. Yeah, of course. They know Peter Jackson.

All right. All right. You never know. But yeah, I don't know. I felt pretty good. I left feeling good, but it is weird because I'm like, did I tip enough? It's a whole neurotic thing. And the place also, I mean, this is the low class place. This isn't like the best place. So it's just like divided by like paper, you know those like bullshit walls? It's just like a divider. And then I hear a guy next door being like, oh yeah, really sore. Oh yeah. Oh God football player. Yeah. I'm just listening to this guy talk about his glory days and glory holes. Oh geez. I hate the overly mowny guy. Yeah. It was like being at the ER. Right. Right. Yeah. The George with the sponge bath. Not now, Ma. Shut up. And then he throws tic-tac at her. Tic-tac.

Yeah. Well, I got too much. I got a lot to get into here. I don't know. Should I hit me with some? All right. All right. Well, first off, I did Madison on state because I haven't seen you in eight years. So it's a Coons age. So I got to give you the whole kitten caboo here. Comedy on state. Yeah. I did. Oh yeah. Comedy on state in Madison, Wisconsin. One of the great clubs. It's on the calendar. It glistens on that calendar. You see it shining with a little sparkle behind it. It's just magic out there. This town is cute. The girls Eve and Anna run it are amazing. Everything is perfect. The green room is bigger than my whole ass. It's huge. I know. Just hearing about it, you're like, I got to get back there. It's so, it's just the best.

And oh man, just hearing it, I'm like, oh, it transports me there to that elevator, the green room. Yes. I forget where I was. I was just, I was in Detroit, I think, talking to the emcee about it, just telling him. And he's like, you know, he's a emcee in Michigan. So he's like, what? It feels like the scene in Bull Durham where like Kevin Costner is like, I've been in the show and they all gather around. And he's like, you don't carry your own bags. The women are insane. Everyone's like, oh God, that's what it feels like talking about comedy on state. Completely. I mean, I've done two albums there and everybody's like, where's Joe? When's Joe coming? The ladies who run it are so nice.

They're so attractive. I don't want to get all into it, but I saw him kick a lady out and one of them, she gets on her knees in a mini skirt and a blazer and she's going, you need to get the hell out of here. It's like next to a table in the front row. And they're like, oh, and I'm like squirting a little bit. The whole thing's hot. They just care so much about the room. They revamped it. He thought it was a good club before. Now it's a sexy comedy club with good lights and weird old oils and just a great time sold merch. They're all over you with the merch. They got your back. They sell it for you. There's food and they don't you love a menu book? Oh my God. Forget about it. They go get the food. It's crazy. They get it because you can get a steak here, daddy. Oh,

or you can get a chicken parm. You can get a filet of fish. You can get tacos. You can get Mexican. That's the same thing. I mean, it's unbelievable. I love a menu book. It doesn't seem really. It's like you open it. It's like the Bible, you know, and you're like, oh my God, we can get sushi. We can get pussy, whatever it is. And they bring it right to you and they film all the shows. You know, now we got to hire some, some queef out there in Rhode Island who's like, hey, I'll come follow you around. I'll just give me $8 million and I'll tape you in the green room and we can, we can, you know, get you shitting and all that. And yeah. But they just film all the shows. You don't have to worry about it. And just the crowds were bananas. Sean Murphy opened. He

ripped it. And you just go walk around. We went to the football game. We went to the Wisconsin and Michigan game. It was incredible. Oh, I watched that game. Whoo. Stinkfest. The old badgers. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's exciting. Yeah, it was great. I gotta tell you, those games, it's, it's so, it feels very fifties. It's like a throwback where the whole town is out. I got some grandma sitting next to me in row eight seat four and she's going, come on, you hobo. Where'd you learn to throw your pussy? You throw like a bitch. And you're like, Jesus Christ, she's spitting up bratwurst on you. And it's just, they love it. They live for it. You know, it's, they don't have much going on in old Wisconsin. So this football is like their, that's their Scientology. They're

all in. Oh, I love it so much. I mean, I told you years ago, I was in Iowa and I went to an Iowa State basketball game on a Monday night. It was Iowa State, Kansas. And it went over time. And there was four old ladies behind me. It was like the first wives club and they were all going nuts. Same thing. I mean, they're yelling racial slurs the whole time and spilling popcorn on my head. And it was just great. And I love these ladies. They all looked exactly perfectly round like basketballs. They had like slacks and like small heels and like tight Iowa State sweatshirts. And you can tell they would be smoking if they were allowed to. And they just, they live and die with every moment of these 19 year old kids playing hoop.

Exactly. And yeah, there's chain smoking and they're all mean. And you can tell their husbands hit them so they get out their anger at the football players. And the Wisconsin is, they were horribly losing. I mean, it was an ugly game and they're still just rooting and tooting. They called one guy a tranny. It was insane. I, uh, we had to get out early because, uh, it was getting, it's getting a little dicey in there. But I love when you go to a city and you feel like I live here for a second. You know, I feel like I'm engulfed in all the restaurants, all the football, all the neighborhoods. You know, it just feels like you're there and then you get to leave. And it's fun too because now as we're veterans of the comedy game, by the way, I did

my first open mic 21 years ago today. Oh, hey, look at that. That's a feather in your queef. Yeah. More than half my life. Well, more than half my life. Wow. How about that? Strange. But anyways, now you go to all these towns and you're in them for like the fifth time. Like I was in Royal Oak, Michigan, which by the way, I don't want to get too excited and crazy here. I think we might be in Royal Oak at the same time. What? Louis, Louis at the theater. I'm only doing one date with them and it's Royal Oak, but I think we might miss each other. Okay. Well, I'm there November 28, 29, 30, and then you're there like December 1st or something like that. Wow. Two clips in the night. Yeah. I think shit. I think you come the second, third, fourth. Hold on. I'm

there on the second. Yeah. We're going to miss you by two days a day and a half. Ah, shit my ass. Maybe you come out early. There you go. I've done that before. But some of these towns, you're like, I go to Royal Oak. It's like my fifth time in there. I've spent 17 days of my life there. So I'm like, here, I'll show you around. I know this place, this place has got great burgers. There's a great burger joint, that little two brothers, little brothers. Oh yeah. Leave me alone brother. Whatever the fuck it is. That place is great and they have a big brother. Big giant movie theater there. It's a cool town. But anyways, the point is you go to all these towns like Madison, I know well, and Iowa, all these towns you start to know. It's quite enjoyable.

Yeah. It's so nice and just the meet and greets and the crowds and it's just, it's nice to get out of New York. New York, everything's jizzing on you and a hobo is blowing you and all this stuff and everybody's angry and tense and there's woke and there's PC and all this. Everybody's mad and you're not doing things right. And I feel like there, it's just everybody just kind of takes it easy and goes to dinner and hugs their dad. I know it's, you walk around, we were there Saturday, we're in Royal Oak, Sarinite and you go for a walk off the beaten path and you're in the, the suburbie and it's autumn. There's like an autumn breeze and leaves are changing and you see like old people playing pickleball and then there's young

people playing soccer and there's little cunts riding their bikes and everyone's setting up their grill and they know the football game is late at afternoon and I love these states. See Wisconsin, it's all Wisconsin, but in Michigan, you got Michigan and Michigan State. So you got the flag, each neighbor has a different flag so it's all enemy territory. They're all getting along but you see people starting to get their barbecues going and it's, I love a Saturday in the fall in middle America. It's just glorious. It makes you grateful to be an American. Yeah, I completely agree. It's Americana. I always heard that growing up. I didn't know what the hell it meant because my dad was never home, but it's just weird because people shit on the, the Midwest and

they're behind the times. They don't get it and it's a flyover state, but then I'm like, well, who's the, who's the idiot here? Who's the dummy because we're out here on the coastal cities, protesting and you know, killing babies and cutting dicks off, but they're like having a good time, not worrying about it. So maybe they're behind the times. They got a hammer loop on their jeans, but they're happier. Well, I mean, this is happy and it's all, it's hard with the broad strokes because there's some pretty fucking miserable people out there. The car plant, the car plant closed. They're sitting there. They got, I mean, it depends on where you are. There's plenty of people that go, oh, the farm ring is all dead. It's droughty or whatever. And there's plenty of them

too that are like, Hey, let's get in the car and go charge the Capitol and fucking smash in a thing and take a shit on the desk because we're upset about the results. So there's plenty of that. And New York has plenty of happy people. You and I are New Yorkers. We're skipping around, run around, having spots. That's fun. Hell yeah. So there's happy and happy and angry in both places. But I do agree. There's times when you're out there and you're like, this is the way you should live. You get in your little car and you drive around and you're pulling your driveway and the neighbors go by and you go, Hey, Larry, how's it going, Stu? And out here, I'm waiting for the subway. It's fucking 300 degrees. There's a homeless person

costing me on every single train car. Your neighborhood. I don't even know what's going on. Really? I can't even be over there. I walked down 6th Avenue. It's like a knife fight. I'm hurtling crazies and I'm like, I'm just sprinting from location to location. I know it's the walking dead over there by that Chipotle on 6th Avenue. It's wild. These weird, these homeless and addicts and what they pick a spot and they all just hang there. I don't know what that is, but it's like a meetup. But either way, you make a good point. There's good and bad in both. And this is why you got to discuss things. Some people just go, this is the way to live. It's the only way. It's perfect. Your way sucks. And you go,

well, what about this? And they go, fuck you. I'll kill you and burn your house down. So it's good to discuss. It's all pros and cons. I want a house everywhere. Everywhere I go. I'm like, why don't you just move to Michigan? I'm like, we're 20 minutes from Detroit. It's a hub airport. They got great sports. Nice people. It's fall. You get the big old lake. I could drive to Cleveland and Cincinnati and Chicago. Let's just move here. Fuck it. And then I go to Philadelphia. I'm like, what a city. I'm in inner city, Philadelphia. There's history, the city hall, the comedy club, then New York, the main, I go to Maine. I'm just jizzing all over my parents. I thank God I roll around on the rocks and get in

the ocean and heels. And it's amazing. Lake George, I want to move there, the Hudson Valley, Adirai. It's a fine country. It's a spectacular country. It's a fine country. We got great shit. All we do is trash it mostly, not us, but most people. And yet, everybody wants to come here. So how bad could it be? And also, I have the same thing with the cities because we don't live there. So it's a grasses greener thing. I'm in Nashville. I went out last night with Theo and Nate and like, they have these huge homes and they have cars in the garage and they got a dog that greets them and we go out to dinner and it's great and everybody's happy. And I'm like, I should live here. And then you go, no, it's just because I don't live here. It's like you meet a fat chick and you go, boy,

she tickled my ass. No one else did that. Maybe I'll marry her, but you can't. Eddie Murphy had that great joke about the Ritz crackers. Remember that joke? No. This is a regular cracker. Oh, it's on Raw. He talks about a woman. You start fucking a woman. He goes, it's like, it's like, if you don't eat anything for a while, you have a Ritz cracker and you're like, holy shit. And he's licking his hands and he goes, this is unbelievable. And after a while you go, it's just a fucking regular old cracker. Yeah. So we should appreciate the fact that we can go to these amazing places, fall in love with it and then leave, but still come back.

That's what I try to do when I go there. I go, this time I'm going here. I'm not going to think about moving. I'm not going to go to Zillow and dream about my whole life. I'm just going to enjoy being here, which is quite nice. And I had this thing too. I'm like, I'm going to move to the Jersey shore. I want to be the ocean, the whole thing, the life. I should get a house in western mass. I could work from there, blah, blah, blah. But then I walk through the central park. I do therapy in the park. I'm in sheep meadow. I gather all our friends around on a Sunday. We hang out in sheep meadow. Then you go, that was great. The sun sets. It's magic hour. You look at the skyscrapers and the trees next to each other. Yes. Natural beauty, man made beauty. You hop on the subway.

You sit there listening to music. You get a free ride, not a free ride, a $2.50 ride downtown. You go to the comedy cell. You do four sets at the cellar. And I go, what am I talking about? This is the greatest city in the goddamn world. Of course. You can't beat it. I totally feel you. But at least we get to break it up. And that's what we should be grateful for that too. We get to leave and come back. Then we have the greatest city. Then you're at the cellar. You're in the park. You're uptown. You're downtown. You're in Brooklyn. There's cool shit there. You're on the water. You're walking the pier. Whatever it is. So we got it all. We have all of it. And we can't figure it out, but we have it right under our twats. Well, and you think you just want to,

you want to change and we're doing well now in our careers financially. So you're like, you want to make a big score. What have I got this? What have I got that? But it's this hedonistic adaptation. You adapt to everything you have. Right. This is an important thing you can do too is you go, you stop and you think about your gratitude. You're like, everything I have in my life at one point, this would be the answer to my prayers. Yes. There's a point where I had four roommates. I had Cantor coming in and out. I had the Samoan over there. I wasn't passing any club. I had no checking account, no savings account. My room was 14 feet by seven feet. I couldn't get laid unless I paid my father. And now I got a nice apartment. I got no roommates. I have regular

sex. I got a savings account, a checking account, a business account, whatever, a Netflix account. I got a lot of stuff. It's going well and we got work, our calendars are full. Yes. And then we got good buddies. So we're doing all right. We're doing all right. I mean, remember a time, somebody's got that great Buddhist quote. You know, these Buddhists are good with the quoting and they eat a lot. But it was like, hey, if you stop and look at everything you have now, you won't believe it. You wouldn't have believed it back then. Or like, everything you have now, you wished for then and you're still not happy. So be aware of it. I can't, somebody give that a goog. Call it if you know, but it's something like that. I think it's very similar to what I said right before, but whatever.

I'm agreeing with you, but I wanted to nail the quote and I couldn't do it. You're all, you're gays are in line with your sneakers, something like that. Yeah. Gays like sneaking, but who knows. But yeah, I completely agree and you got to be grateful and I'm just grateful that we can, Airbnb is so cool because you go live in a house in Montana for three days and you're like, I live here now. This is cool. It's not a hotel. It's like a house. I'm on the lake. Like you had that cabin in Mass. Mass. Was that Mass? New York, Lake George. Oh, is that Lake George? Yes, Lake George. Yes. That cabin was insane. I want to move there now too. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. I got to tell you though, you look at these houses, you ever do this. It was

like, it's like that moment in vacation where Clark starts pulling cash out of his wallet and then putting it back in when Eddie asks, I'm like, maybe I'm going to get a place in the Jersey Shore. I had a great weekend in Comedy Castle and then I look it up and I'm like, all right, maybe I'll just get a hotel for a couple of days. Yeah. These houses are like 1.5 million, 2 million, 3 million. It's bananas. Yeah. Much like my cholesterol and my dick, they keep going up and you do find the one town that they're low in in a year, that'll be over. Hey folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by BetterHelp. We love BetterHelp. You know how much we care about mental health. We're both nutcases. We both love our therapist. I mean,

my whole life is therapy and meditation and all this shit and it's really changed my whole life. So don't wait around. The best thing I ever did in my whole life was taking care of my mental health. Nobody ever told me how important it is. So I'm here to tell you how important it is. Right now, you got to go to BetterHelp. It is a professional therapy all online. It's all remote. You do it from the comfort and privacy of your home. They got a flexible schedule, phone or video calls at your convenience. Get a good match. They will put you with a licensed therapist who is right for you. That's the important part of therapy. Someone you feel like you can talk to. That's what I have. I absolutely love it. You need to go do it. It's

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month. That's betterhelp.com slash Tuesdays for 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com slash Tuesdays. Sign up for BetterHelp to start living a happier life. Teddy. Yeah, you got to do it. You must do it. Oh, yeah. Tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by Keeps. Two out of three men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they are 35, which means more than 50 million dudes in the U.S. alone are going bald. It scares the hell out of me going bald. Look at this beautiful head of hair I got all natural, so I don't have to worry about it too much, but luscious. Some of you folks at home might have to be terrified of this. My forehead's always been big. Don't write to me. Keeps his low-cost treatment start at just $10 per month.

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savings. It's literally free. Installs in just a few seconds. Save some dough and support Tuesdays with stories. Get Honey for free at JoinHoney.com slash Tuesdays. That's JoinHoney.com slash Tuesdays. J-O-I-N Honey.com slash Tuesdays. And get that Honey, baby, and save some moolah. Gotta get the Honey. All right. Thank you. Thank you. All right. I got a couple things I want to throw at you. Please, please. I got more too, but we got all night. All right. We got tonight. So who needs tomorrow? You told a story the other day a couple weeks ago about a gay fella coming over and searching yet the airport. Oh, man. That guy was handsy. So I was, I'm listening to the story. I'm going, oh my God, that's crazy. That's wild. But when somebody else is telling a story, you go, oh my

God, that sounds insane. But you're not living it. You're not feeling it. You got that right. You're just going, wow, shit. That sounds insane. That must have sucked. Wow. That's crazy. All right. And then, you know, it's a story. So we tell stories. We crank everything up. We jizz everything up. Everything becomes a little kooky here. You never know. You never understand it until it happens to you. So you go, wow. Yeah. That sounds nuts. All right. Well, anyways, let's talk about the Red Sox. So I go, I'm flying to Detroit from the Comedy Castle. So many gays came out. Best weekend of my life. I mean, love the gays. It was insane. And I got to tell you, we'll talk off air, but I hit one of these, these deals where it swings from guarantee to this thing and

I can't even, it's insane. It's the most insane thing that I've experienced in my life. Yeah. I thought a mistake was made. So thank you to everyone that came out in Royal Oak. God bless you. I'll be back. I love you. We're so grateful. We appreciate you. Just insane. Insanely kind gifts and everything. A guy gave me a fucking beautiful first edition book that I'm reading and enjoying and so many kind words. So thank you, Royal Oak folks. And you're there in a couple of months. That's going to be insane. Can't wait. Yeah. I love the mitten. It'll be off the hook or the chain, whatever we're off of nowadays. But anyways, so I'm flying there and now I got clear and pre-check. I mean, I'm zipping right

through. Zip recruiter. I go over there and Sarah doesn't have pre-check. She doesn't have clear. So I go, listen to it. You're on your own. You got to get these things. I'm sorry. Consider us divorced for the next few minutes. It's like the grandpa in the Donner party. Like, hey, you're not going to make it. CSE old man. You're on foot. You're done for. I mean, I just kick her right to the curb and the TSA's lady's like, you ain't going to do her like that. And I'm like, hey, she's got it. She can sign up. Yeah. I'll see a sister. I'll get you a coffee on the other side. I'll buy you some magazines, whatever you need. But yeah, I got to, I got to hang back because you didn't get a clear card. Skanky McGee.

I said, beat it. So I walk over to clear and they're not so friendly, but I put my eyeballs in there. The government takes all my, you know, porn history or whatever happens. I go to preach. I go to pre-check. I go, Hey, I'm pre-check. I'm clear. I'm queer. We're here. I go in literally nobody. There's literally nobody in line in front of me. Absolutely zero. And I look over and she's like 78th in line. It's a bunch of, it's like Ellis Island, 1912 over there. I see, you know, Vito Andalini's in line. He's got herpes, whatever he had. Like in Guinea. I go through the line. No problem. I put my luggage on. I walk to the thing. And you know, we're travelers. So I know nothing's in my pocket. I think in your pocket,

blah, blah, blah. I go, I got nothing. They go, Oh, it's a random screening. I hate the rando. So I go, all right, no problem. Nobody's in front of me anyway. So it gives a shit. So then the security lady takes those little, you know, the little brown turd. No, the sandpaper, the little sandpaper, they rub your hand. Oh yeah. What is that? I hate that thing. I have no idea. But this gets wacky. I don't know. This is exactly what you had, but she swipes the hand, the sandpaper on my handpaper. She puts it in a little thing and it goes comes up red alert. That's all saving. So I go, she goes, Oh, wow. Okay. And I've never seen this. Usually it's just a bullshit. What do I have on my hands besides, you know, jizz and popcorn?

I think it's gunpowder. Yes, exactly. So she comes over. She goes, she brings over the big guy. He comes over. He swipes, puts it in the thing. What are you even touching, Fanny? I go, I go, what is this? And I didn't, I still didn't know what's going on. He goes, all right, we got to do a full search. He puts on rubber gloves and he's like, are you okay with me touching you wherever your privates? I'm going to touch your privates. And I'm like, what is this? Like, I'm like in a different planet. I'm like, what's going on? What? Yeah. And he goes, I got to do a full search. You failed the thing. And I go, yeah, I guess so. And he goes, I'm very sensitive of my armpits. He puts a hand up into my armpit

and the other one on the top and just goes all the way down my arm, both sides. Then he puts his hand between my balls and leg, like up in my balls and leg area, like violated. I felt truly violated. Completely. And I go, I go, I'm sorry. Can we time out here? What is happening right now? And at the same time, the woman is going through my suitcase and she's pulling every single item out, including a vibrator and lube, by the way. And she's rubbing the sandpaper on all of it. And I go, I got to know what's going on here. This is, this is a little insane. I don't understand what's going on. And he says, well, you failed the thing. We're going to retest. I'm going to do a full search. We're going to search everything in your bag. And if you pass this time, you'll have a

good day, which is a little threatening, isn't it? A little threatening. A little, uh, what's the word? Jarring? A little, whoa, aggressive. Because it's an implication of like, if I don't pass, you're going to have a bad day. You got that right. And I go, well, what is it? And he goes, you failed your hand test or whatever. And I go, well, what could be, what are some things that set that off? And he goes, sir, don't worry about that right now. Let's just do the search. And he won't give me an answer. I'm like, I took acid reflux pill this morning. What is, I don't have explosives. I didn't work with explosives this morning. No, no, I hate to don't worry about it. What do you mean? You got your hand up my

ass in my taint. I'm not going to worry. So he did several of those. He goes, I'm going to put my hand in your waistband. So he's got his thumb inside my waistband going all the way around. He went back up into the genitals again. I mean, this was, I felt like a, like a freshman at orientation. It was crazy. They really raped me. It's like Penn State over there. It was bad news bears. And she went through everything, swiped it. Luckily after all this, he did a swipe again, green. So I got the explosives off me, but it was really unnerving, unsettling. I hated it. And so I was like, you should file a complaint, but I'm like, who would listen? Who cares? Hashtag me to, whatever. It is violent. There's no doubt about it. I mean,

because you, not only you, look, I've all had my balls grabbed by 78 different dudes on the rowing team, but it's like, this is serious. You're in front of everybody. They're walking by, you getting their bags like, Oh, what the fuck's going on over there? And they really just hit those genitals. It's not light. They really get in there. No, it's not light at all. It's dark meat. And he was dark and the whole thing was very unpleasant. And also it took away from my, getting through time. You have that thing. You want to be like this. I didn't even have a problem, but whatever, but all good now. But it was scary because that thing of like, if it comes up green, you'll have a nice day, but then I'm like, I guess I look like a domestic terrorist. I'm a big

white guy. You know how all these white guys are bringing explosives on the planes? Yeah. Do you ever do this one where you go, I didn't bring any explosives. I don't have a weapon. I've never dealt with anything terroristy. And this is how I'm acting. Now let's say you did want to commit a crime and you got caught. I always think this is how I'll act if I got caught doing terrorist shit. Right. Is that stupid? No, it makes sense. I mean, that's what you want to do, a good con man, you know, studies that kind of behavior, I think, right? Yeah. Like if you're in a lie, sometimes you go, how do I act normally? What would I be doing now if I actually didn't kill that guy? You know? Well, the best thing like that is that Chappelle bit. He's like,

I never touched that bitch. Fuck you. He talks about Clinton, the way Clinton denied the sex. He's like, I did not have sexual ways. Like, have you ever been accused of fucking someone you didn't fuck? It doesn't sound like that. You're like, fuck you, motherfucker. I didn't touch that bitch. That's true. Yeah. Please believe me. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. But anyways, oh, you know what we forgot to do is plug. We have a new merch page. Shelby doing the dirty work. Got this new merch page. Tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com. Nailed it. Tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com. Tons of new shirts, crazy designs, cool designs. A lot of you jump right on it because you follow the Twitter and I think the Patreon has it too. So go check that out. There's an assortment

of killer merch. Yes. It's awesome. It's in the description of the link of the episode. So go do that. And I also want to plug October 26th. You guys are going to shit blood. If you're driving, pull over. If you're on the train, jump off because when we tell you these guests, you're going to rush to the computer to buy your tickets. I think people are going to fly in for this show. I can see that. Yeah. Tuesday, October 26th. Live. Tuesdayswithstories, which will eventually go on the Patreon. Yep. In Royersford, Souljolls. We're going to have posters that we're going to sell and sign. These posters are so cool. Special guests, Sean Patton and Shane Gillis.

Hot off the heels of every podcast in America. I mean, Gillis is doing a full Beatles tour right now. So check him out before he kills himself. He's going to be live and it's a Patreon app. So we're going to go in, baby. There's no, we're behind a paywall now so that we can get kooky out there. We're in the middle of the woods in the middle of Royersford. Get a beer, get a folding chair, say hello and buy a poster. It's going to be the best night of your life. This is going to be down and dirty. So come on out, fly in, train in, walk in. But I mean, these are two of the funniest guys on the planet. And that makes four of the funniest guys, if you ask me. So it's going to be something James Madden will be. I mean, this is going to be,

this is going to be hot to trot. So you're not going to want to miss this. So if you can't make it, get on the Patreon and check that out and go get some new merch and show it off from the show and we'll have posters that we'll be signing. Yes. You got to get one of those posters, frame that puppy, piss off your wife and the shirts are lunch, man. They got one of a guy, me and green hulks. It's on his tongue. It looks really cool. So whoever did these design, these big cartel, they are top notch artists. Yeah. God bless you. So all right. All right. What else have you been up to? All right. So just want to say Madison was awesome. But before Madison, I had a little chitchat with my pal Eric Mann and he said, you know, I should come to New York one night. We'll

film a bunch of sets, you know, make a little video out of it. You got to have your content. You got to have the content. It's all content. It's all content and never ends. So he goes, what we should do is take the beamer out and you got three spots. We'll just pop around Manhattan. We'll film the whole thing and it'll be, it'll be fun. I said, that's a great idea. I never get to take the car out. This will be a good reason. I got a danger fields. I know, no, Jesus, that place is closed. I got a comic strip spot, then a New York comedy club, then a seller. So it was like a fun club night and it was a while. Well, we show up at my place. We go get the car out. Car is looking good. It's sexy. It's got a shine on it. They pull out of that garage with those

garage lights gleaming on it. Did you get them off the car? Huh? That was a joke. He said, had a shine on it. Oh, that was a little risque. Sorry. I forgot about shine. I mean, there's so many racial slurs to keep up with these days. I start to lose track. So we got our German car and we hate the Jews. No. So we pull the car out. We jump in that thing and it's purring like a kitten. We drive it up to comic strip on 82nd and 2nd. We get a spot right outside and it's just a great time. We do the show. Show is great. We run back in the car. It starts up, but the headlights stop working. Oh boy. So we're like, ah, geez, 1973. What the hell is going on with this thing? So now we're driving around Manhattan with no headlights

and we're in a very flashy car. It's not like I can blend in. I mean, a little tin can from the 70s. Maybe they won't see you. No lights. Yeah. Maybe, maybe. So now the lights aren't working. And then I go, ah, the pedal feels weird. Something's up with the pedal, like the gas pedal. Because you know, you're shifting. You need those pedals to be on the up and up. Sure. I take my iPhone out, turn the light on. I shine it down into the well there, what do you call that? The foot well. Pedal is off the, off the metal thing, just sitting around and it's just a little metal dick I'm pushing in. So the pedals off and broke. Oh my God. Now the valve fell off. The valve fell off. So now I got no headlights. We're driving down

2nd Avenue in Manhattan as cars honking going, move it or lose it, dickless. You learn how to drive, queef. Well, wait, don't buy it before you ride it. You know, whatever it is. And I'm like, all right, all right. So I got no pedal and I'm already not a stick shift aficionado. You know, this is still kind of a new car for me. It's been sitting around for a year getting fixed up. Pedal falls off. Lights aren't working. No power steering. I'm sweating. I got the camera guy right next to me. Woo. It was tough. But we get to New York comedy club. We park it in a handicap spot because we couldn't find anything. And I'm nervous, Jerry. I'm just like, I don't know if I can get back in that thing. It's a debt trap. It's a suicide wrap. You got to get out while you're young. I

mean, this is terrifying that you get the pedals falling off. I think you might want to get a bigger house, put it in the living room, put a glass case over it and have it be, you know, an item, a talking point. What do you call it? A conversation piece. There it is. Because it sounds like a piece. It's a POS. So, so I go, what the hell's going on? Why I just got this thing out of the shop? The guy's a pro. They really gave it the final kisses. So, I get back in, I start it up, but you kind of, there's a party going like, I just want to put this thing back in the garage. I don't even want to go to the cellar. I'm scared of this thing. And it's a lot of money and all that was like, what have I done? I'm having all these thoughts of like, regrets.

You can't take a chance anymore. You ruined your life. So, I started up. I actually only hit a button with my elbow. The lights flick on. So, there's a light button I didn't even know about. It's like a Scooby-Doo cartoon. I know. So, then I get my head down there and I find the, the pedal, it's, you know, the little plastic thing is just falling off and there's a little arm there. So, I take the pedal, I look at it, I put it back on the arm and it snaps right in. Now the pedal's back. The lights are back and we're back. All right. So, we go to the cellar. I kind of had a hard set there. I got a bomb, but turned out to be a great night and now I'm not nervous about the car again because I've had some, it's almost like when you fight with a friend and then you're

more close after. Water under the bridge. Yes. Good Paul Simon song, but yeah. So, then we get back home to my house and my friend's gonna sleep over on the couch and I go, you know what? What are you, nine? I know. I know. We had cookies and cocoa. You gotta say crash. Adults crash. Good point. Good point. Crash and burn. So, also award-winning movie and I go, not great, Paul Haggis, but Sticks. You got the best pick. You know, that was back when being, you know, racial was new. Whoa, this guy's touching on black people. This is wild, but now it's overdone. But either way, we get back home and I go, wait, I'm just realizing I fly out to Madison tomorrow, then I go to New Orleans from Madison, then I go to Nashville from New Orleans. So, I'm not

gonna be home for two weeks. Hence the, the zoom pod. I got the hog out here tied up to a telephone pole. They're gonna tell that motherfucker. So, he goes, well, what do you want to do? It's, you know, two in the morning. I, what are you gonna put in your garage? I'm like, I can't put in the garage right now. It's too late. So, he's like, well, I don't know what to tell you. He's like, I got to go to bed. I got to be up at, I got to bust into back to Philly at six in the morning. It's fucking 2 a.m. Can we go to bed? And I go, I can't leave that hog out here. It'll get towed. I'm gone for too long. So, he goes, well, I don't know what to tell you. So, I go, how about this? We bring it in the apartment. Oh boy. So, you know me?

Carry it up three flights of stairs? Well, we got the old freight elevator. All right, the freight. But, freight cat. I live in one of these old school, queefy buildings. Everybody's a, an old bag and they got, you know, polio and all this stuff. So, they're, they're very weird about their apartment, about the building. That's a, you know, it's always a, everything's a board issue. Hey, you want to have people on the roof? You got to tell the board. We got to approve it. You know, you can't have a tiger in here. It'll get weird. And it is legal mumbo jumbo. So, I go, we can get that up to my apartment, but if we get busted bringing a gas powered bike in here, I'm going to get kicked out.

Oh no. So, it felt like a sitcom. I unlocked the bike. We bring it down my little stairs. It's like two in the morning. It's, you know, these people are all sleeping. They're all old. And it felt like a cartoon. Like I look in the window and I see some old man with a feather. Going up, you know, he's sleeping with a nightcap on. And I'm just, you know, we bring it through the front door and there's two doors in my apartment to get to the front door, to get through the foyer, the parlor, the, the lobby. And we're banging the thing. Bam! Bam! Boo! We try to get it through. This thing's a million pounds. It's dripping gas everywhere. It smells like an old grease monkey. And we get it through. And then I look up,

surveillance camera. Oh God. Did you wear black at least? No black. Blackface on. That was it. And I run to the elevator. I open the elevator. He wheels it in. We pack it in real quick. We go up to the third floor. We run it through. The cat flips out. The cat sees it and goes, what the fuck is that thing? She thought it was a puma. And I put it in the living room. You don't realize this is a regular size moped. You put that thing inside a New York apartment. That's it. That's the whole apartment. You can't get around it. It's taken up the couch. You can't see the TV. The ceiling fan is hitting it. It's over. Yeah. It's not a big place. No. Not big. So now we're just sniffing it. Like,

does it smell like gas? Are we gonna die? Is the cat gonna lick the, the tire and, and croak? You know? Lord, I hope so. So I got the lady in the bedroom. She's sleeping. It's, you know, 2.30 in the morning now. We're sweating. And it feels like we stole something, but we brought it in. It feels right. Usually you steal, you take things out. So typically, so I tuck it away as much as I can. It's still, you know, all over the road. And I can wake up the late and I go, so we got a moped. She's like, wait, you got a moped? It felt like a sitcom. Like, what are you doing? You crazy husband? You men with your vehicles and all this shit. You smell like motor oil. You're covered in blackface. So I wait for her to leave. And the next day I put it,

I put it in the bedroom. Now it's next to my side of the bed. So it's just sitting there right now. What? Yes. She's got a bike in the bedroom. Bike in the bedroom. And she's just doing her office stuff with a, you know, two-stroke moped right behind her all day. She might be jerking off on it. I know they like the vibrations. Yeah. You fire it up. You sit on that thing. You hit the throttle a little bit. Oh yeah. Well, jerk away. We'll take a photo. That's a photo shoot. Some whore on a bike, you know, with a bikini on and we'll get a big snake. So it's just sitting there, but it was a wild, wild ride. How about the people that think snakes are sexy? Isn't that weird? Yeah. What's up with that? Britney Spears, Alice Coop. They got a snake on them.

It's supposed to be like hot. It's a fucking, a legless creature. I never got that. That's so true. Yeah. It's on the shoulders and the whole time, they've got to be just going, oh God, how long till I get this snake off me? Yeah. It stinks. There's nothing sexy about a snake. No. I never got it. Maybe it went inside you if it fucked you. Like if it... I guess. I guess that would be sexy. Yeah. I don't know. Boa. I don't even like a boa, let alone a boa constrictor. No. Boa's stink. All that stuff stinks. I don't even care for leopard. Leopard print, leopard skin. The only sexy animal thing is leather. Oh, leather's good. Leather's hot. I like leather shorts.

Oh, I love leather shorts. Leather short, leather skirt, leather shoes. Leather hat I don't care for. No. Any kind of hat is bad. Hat's no good. No. Hat's a yarmulke. There's no sexy hat to me. Maybe a baseball hat if you're like working out. It's kind of hot. You're looking at dude. That's kind of sexy. I like when the girl puts the ponytail through the hole in the back of the baseball cap. That's kind of fun. Anything pony. Pony's good. That's another animal thing that's sexy. Pony's good. They got a fat ass. They're muscular legs. Big dick. Yeah. Long face. By the long face. Yeah. Remember the first time I heard that joke? I was like, that's pretty good. Yeah. It's not bad. So yeah. Flew down to NOLA. By the way, getting from Madison in New Orleans is

a bit of a nightmare. I mean, I get the Amistad now. That was a hellish trip. And then just did it up in NOLA, found the place, did shrooms with the lady, met up with old friends, saw the folks, did a show. It was great. That's great. I'm excited about that big wedding. I can't wait. Are we invited? Of course. Now, let me ask you this there, sloppy jalopy. We couldn't decide to do it on a Wednesday because we figure everybody's got to do the road. And then your wife told us, fuck that. People want to come out. They want to take a weekend off. They'll do a Saturday. You're too insecure. Then she called us nerds. Yeah. I think we talked about this on the podcast, but I think it's insane to have a weekday wedding just because you think people won't come. I think we had this

exact conversation, but you got to do a weekend. Weekends where it's at. People want to take a weekend and people are happy to take a weekend off. You're projecting. You don't want to take a weekend off. Everybody else is happy too. And I can't wait. I'm going to get a big crazy tie. Is it going to be formal or what are we talking about? Because for a while you were talking about a barefoot bullshit, which I'd have to not come to. No, no, no. Formal, you know, suit, the whole, you know, nothing crazy. You don't have to wear a boa or a clan hood. Just come in a suit, just regular wedding. The place is beautiful. We're going to get a band. It's going to be very low key. Quick ceremony, a lot of booze, dancing, food. That's it. No religion, no a la, no nothing.

And no religion too. Yeah, I can't wait. That's going to be fun. I'm excited. We're getting the whole gang. Make a weekend out of it if you want. You know, come down early. It's New Orleans. So you get to eat and drink and then be merry. Oh yeah. I'm going to do all that stuff. I can't wait. I'm pumped. All right. So yeah, we'll have you there. Maybe some other people have come. That guest list is a bit daunting. It's quite daunting. And then this is my advice though. Maybe we talked about this too. Don't just let everybody that you think maybe just have them come. I regret so many people that I was like, oh, they should have had them. But at the time, you're like, well, we got to keep it to 115 because it's $170,000 a day. And then just

fuck money. Fuck your mother. Just have everybody come. So how many did you have? 115, I think, or 116. Oh, wow. Okay. And so you had a bunch of people didn't come and they yelled at you. Yeah, they didn't yell. I think a couple were sour. But there's just more that you're like, I regret having them not there. I would have liked to have them there. There's more people I would have liked to have had. So you say and spend the money and have them. Yeah. If they're on the fence, just go with it. I mean, there was so many people. I mean, I had taken their address and then they just kind of ended up being like, ah, shit, we don't have enough whatever. Right, right. So Wolf, Christie, all these old Boston folks. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah,

the more people I would have liked to have had. All right. All right. Good to know. We might blow it all out. We might invite, you know, the neighbors and the super and, uh, you know, Estie. Who knows? Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. I don't know. Okay, maybe we'll do that. Get the Samoan over there. Yeah, we'll get him going. He'll limp around. It'll be fun. Yeah. So just a great time in New Orleans. I did that cool Louis CK move in the 80s where I tweeted out like, Hey, doing a show in New Orleans tonight. Come by. We sold it out. So that was fun. Oh, it's beautiful. That's so exciting. That's a good time. Yeah. And just a good time in Nola. I tell you, I hate to, nah, I'm not going to say it because people get mad, but uh,

it was just a great trip and saw the folks. You're gonna, I can't wait to show you around New Orleans. And I even thought, is this crazy? I'm so insecure about like people coming down that I was like, maybe we'll do a show on Sunday with all the guys and just make some money. No, that's really stupid. You absolutely should not do that. All right. It's offensive to everybody involved. It's offensive to her parents, to her, to her family, to your parents, to the guests. And then you got everyone thinking about their sets the night before we're all going to be dancing and going, Oh, shit. Are you going to do that bit? I got to follow him. Who's going to go last? I don't want to follow that guy. And then it's like you're, you're turning. No, you're under

thinking it. And then you're turning your wedding. This is supposed to be a celebration of your life and love. Take business out of it for once in your fucking life. No comedy. You don't do comedy. You shouldn't do comedy the night after the wedding. You shouldn't do it two nights after the wedding for God's sakes. Maybe I'll do an open mic at the ceremony. The rehearsal dinner will have an open mic. It's terrible, terrible idea. All right. Forget it. Nobody wants to do shows. Nobody wants to do comedy at your wedding. No, that means a couple of days later. I mean, maybe a week later, a few days later. All right. Well, I just wanted to, I want to show you guys around, show you the ropes. I will show me around, but don't show me to a show. I'm gonna, I'm gonna

be nervous going, Oh, I can't do that bit. What pitch should I do? I don't want to go first. Why is he after me? I want to go down there and dance the night away, see some sites, see your child at home, kiss your father on the lips, meet this weird brother of yours that I don't even believe exist. I want to really, really live. Okay. Let's live. We'll get you to relapse and we'll get in the pool and we'll push people into the bushes. Going to relapse would be happy to relapse. It'll be great. Please, relapse. You heard it here, folks. Silent relapse. It won't be fun. All these people are like, man, I wish I could drink with you. And like, no, you don't. It was horrible. I'd be trying to fuck old ladies and smashing street signs. I'd never leave your house. I'd think you're

mad at me. It wasn't fun. Yeah, that's a bit. Maybe that's a bit. That's a bit. All right. Where are you going to be there? Speaking of bits, I want to hear some new stuff. You got you on the road. What do you got cooking there, Fetty? I got a bunch of stuff. November is a big month. Zany's in Chicago. Helium in Portland and Providence Comedy Connection. That's Thanksgiving weekend. The Friday, Saturday after Thanksgiving, I'll be at the Providence Comedy Connection. And yeah, those are the big three December. I'm in, I don't know. I forget. And go subscribe. Oh, oh, huge news. Huge. I almost forgot. This is big. December 7th, a day that will live in infamy. Wait a minute. Oh, God. Pearl Harbor Day. Oh, God. New special. Shooting the new special December 7th at the

Village Underground. Tickets are on sale right now. Eight o'clock show, 10 o'clock show, December 7th. Fucking FDR will be there or Truman, whoever the fuck it was, FDR. And it's got to be something we're going to bomb the Japanese or whatever happened. Village Underground comedy seller.com, two shows. Come on out. Go pack, Joe. You got to come. You got to be there and bring some wives and girlfriends. It's all dudes. The gays are all men. I got 500 men. We need some women to even it out so the guys can laugh at whatever. Come on out. December 7th, Village Underground. It's going to be hot. It's going to be beautiful. And I cannot wait. And I'm thinking about maybe. Is this crazy? The day after, we might do a wedding.

That's not bad. Get remarried. Maybe we can get married. Yeah, that's not bad. Well, our careers will skyrocket. That's true. That's true. All right. We'll tie the knot and we'll tie one on. And wow, this is exciting. New special. This came out of nowhere. December 7th. Can't wait. Very excited. Oh, that's what I was going to say. Subscribe to my YouTube for God's sakes. It's probably going to end up there. And I got to get those subscribers up so more people will see it. Algorithm bullshit that we're all a slave to. So go subscribe to my YouTube and get your tickets December 7th, Village Underground.

Here, here. Wow. That is big, big new. What a bomb drop. What an exclusive. These gays are getting here. So good stuff. I can't wait. I'll be there in the back, Chucklin. Rochester, New York. Come on out to that. Dr. Grinn speaking of Michigan. Portland Helium. I'm right on your heels. Laugh Boston. Your hometown. Beantown. Brea, California. Vancouver, British Columbia at the, what is that? The House of Comedy. Then New Orleans going back for Howlin' Wolf and seeing the folks. Royal Oak back in the Mitten. Buckhead Theater Atlanta and Chicago, I think in 2022. So we got a lot of good stuff. Royersford, October 26th. You don't want to miss it. Killer Guest, Killer Show.

Chuck's going to come out there and jizz on us. It's going to be a hot one. And get that merch, big cartel. And get on the Patreon, queeps. We got bonuses cooking. Chuck's got a new one coming out with me and Providence I think in a couple days. So it's all locking in. Yeah, I can't wait. Thanks for listening. We appreciate you. We're grateful you're allowing us to live wonderful lives and we're really appreciative of it. So thank you. Yes, here, here. Grateful. Praise Allah. Cheers.