Tuesdays with Stories! - #423 Blown Plug

Episode Date: October 19, 2021

It's a jam packed ep as Joe meets some rude and perturbed folks at a tennis tournament before interrupting an emergency shit while Mark has multiple tire issues before an emotional heckler causes chaos at a show. Check it out!  Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Green Chef (greenchef.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays125), Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), ExpressVPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays), & Public Rec (publicrec.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey, hey folks Tuesday the stories is brought to you by feels CBD CBD is it about what you feel It's about what you don't feel like stress anxiety or pain. I can't sleep. I got anxiety I'm a mess. I love CBD. It calms the brain. It just chills you out But you don't get high and it's great. It helps me snooze I my brain goes a mile a minute at night now and I hit the pillow I pop some fields and I'm off To la la sleep land feels as a premium CBD will help you feel your best while keeping your head clear The thing to remember about CBD is finding your right dose is important and everyone's dose is different So feels offers a free CBD hotline to help you find your perfect dose

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It comes in three flavors wintergreen cinnamon and pomegranate. I like cinnamon the answer comes back every time Cinnamon don't like gum try the losses citrus mint or cherry ice Four milligrams of nicotine in each subscribe monthly and get deliveries. So you'll always be ready Hey, they are supporting this show. So go support them get 20% off all products including gum or lozenges at lucy.co With code Tuesdays. That's 20% off lucy.co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout Here's the legal mumbo jumbo warning this product product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is Chemical but you already knew that so get 20% off at lucy.co with code Tuesdays. Oh, yeah Hey mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories

Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag Surf's up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less. Yeah, it's Tuesdays with stories everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy Here we are folks we're doing it Swallowed a big June bug. We're here. It's a New York City. It's getting nippy out there. It's groundhog day And what it's got to be 60 55 degrees out there 55. It's what it's known as an autumn chill I love autumn in New York fall Bring it on. I'm sick of summer. I'm sick of spring fall on my ass. I love the fall

I mean the fall the autumn the is there another one. That's it, right fall autumn autumn. Yeah It's about it October fest sober October, I guess that's it fall and autumn. Well Halloween. You got Thanksgiving Well as a sports not I got baseball playoffs up my ass I got college football in the tip of my dick. You got the hockey season just started hoop Just started whatever but you got all day I mean all weekend and I was up there with my family and it's all we have is sports if the sports were taken away Forget about it. I take a gun and just put it right in my mouth and shoot myself

interesting even mom Well mom, she's you know sweeping cleaning mopping dishes whatever she'll she'll throw some shit in there But she's a good woman when I drank you drank you went Oh, have you tried this? Have you sniffed this? Have you stuck that up your ass? That's exciting But with the sports you get all the cats fucking with the camera don't knock it over your piece of shit just sniffing but The sports you can throw in the game. Did you see that play? Who do you think's gonna win? With the Bruins game will put in a pot and go who do you think's gonna score everyone put in five bucks? You think Pasternak you think your mother's asshole, so

Sports October is the time to me interesting. Well, I think sport. I think you touched in on something there fatty where sports is really I Mean look to a son and the dad. What are we gonna talk about? Anal anal shrinkage, you know like can't want you to throw this the string. Oh, I thought that was the charger I thought I wanted to know no see that string. He's got that off a tampon. He shook down a lady now. You got to throw it Hey, we go fetch you play fetch. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Now he's hunting see he's got it. He thinks the spring is a little gay worm So this is gonna go on the whole episode go on for six weeks. This is the episode this is it and

Try to throw on the table see if he goes up on the table Get it dickless up bitch. There we go. Oh, watch out for the water. Watch the water. You come guzzlin not It's got no tact But sucks either way the sports. Yes, you know, you think about the 40s the 50s the 30s Hey, you got one channel or the radio and be what are you gonna talk to your gruff scary man dad about He's working at the factory all day. He hits your mom. He's He's at the mill. You know, he's slugging back beers. You need that game. It's all we got I heard the radio that

Belichick might be blown his son before they go. Oh, well, if he blows his son They might be up by three and a half by half time or whatever. Hey, right gives you something to connect with yes And I'll tell you there's times where there's not a lot of sports going on and you're just kind of like And even with the sports, I'll be like would look at this play. Did you see that and you still get a And you're like, all right tough crowd with the pops. Well, this is my fetish Oh, yeah, my toes a little bit my wife won't do it lick that toe. Yeah, suck a toe Oh, I love sucking it. Oh, you kidding me. That's where you and I diff but a toe is like a butthole I gotta I gotta do the wash in sure. You can't just take off a sneaker. There's people that are into like dirty feet

That's disgusting. That's why you're out dancing. You take a shoe off get the toe away from me But if you're fresh out of the shower in the tub together, and don't get me wrong. I'm not coming Sure, but I'll stick it in my mouth a little bit for sure. No, thank you. You got some whore at Woodstock Doing the the watuzi to you know Buffalo Springfield I don't want that hoof in my apartment chalking up sand everywhere. Get out of here. Well, again I'm not like a guy who's like, oh, I got I just met her on a date. I took her to the movies I hope I can suck some toe tonight. I'm just saying you put a toe in my mouth. I'll suck on it for a couple days I'm the same your toe my aunt's toe my wife's toe. I'll suck on it

But I was a back in my single wacky days watch I got a couple of cun hairs on there back of my wacky days I was putting my tongue in all kinds of orifices and crevices is and I Got a I got a virus which one H. Pylori. Oh, I remember the H. Pylori. Yeah, those are tough days Pylori Kilmartin. Yes, exactly and Oh, those are tough tough times, but you know you pop one Annie Beattych in your back Let me tell you about this because I thought this was interesting. I did a big Cornhole tournament fundraiser

For my uncle's fire department the Holbrook fire department Holbrook mass great group of guys. Usually we do Grabbing at our really want you to play fetch there, but hey, it's all in the wires. We're working vacation Cool it there dickless He's a playful a little rambunctious gweef. What are you wearing your girlfriend shoes? What's going on there? No good Little white no white with the oh, I see a little symbol there All right, wait, but if a lady wore him it would look okay I don't know what you sound like a Netflix exec a little too white, but no, I don't know That's a Reebok. All right. What do you got on you got on a period blood over here?

I got a nice dirty running sneak. All right new balance got some stank on it like a man Yeah, that looks like Dainty for it. It's a little dainty. I might really well. I got the gum soul I got a I got an emblem on the side gum soul. Isn't that a detective? That's a gum shoe. Mm-hmm similar I like a cum shoe. You ever come on the shoe with a boot. Oh, yeah on accident I got a hit it on a timberland instruction site, but yeah, well, what were you saying about your dad? Oh Cornhole a fundraiser so usually do the comedy show

But we couldn't do the comedy because of COVID and everybody died or whatever happened So this year they did a cornhole tournament, which is a hell of a way to raise funds great I'd let no overhead it's outside at a bar in the parking lot and you have to put in I think it's a hundred bucks a team so 50 bucks ahead Okay, you get a partner you put in a hundred bucks all goes directly to the fire department I like these charity it or the fundraiser directly to the group. Yeah, I love the group direct got to get direct So direct deposit I get some comics to come down the whole family goes over there And it's 500 bucks if you win the tournament

Oh, nothing to sneeze at and so everybody in the family is going I think we might win I think dad and Susan might win. I think Jerry and Amanda might win I think Bob and Tom might win and I go let me just tell you right now folks Nobody's winning this because it's a cash prize So if there's a cash prize, there's gonna be two ringers And I go there's gonna be two fat douchebags that found out about this all they do is play cornhole And they go around town like fucking rounders. Yeah, it's like carnies. They come into town They drive in they make a weekend out of it

They look in the yellow pages they find the nearest cornhole tournament They go win the thing and I go I'll bet all the money that two fat douchebags There are there are fucking Ringers win this tournament everyone. Oh, you're crazy. Shut up. Well, you don't know what you're talking about the cornhole sharks Exactly and what happens to big fat guys? No smiles. No laughs. They're all high five. They showed up to win their 500 Yep, no nonsense. They throw everyone the whole joy list. Don't you hate a joy list joy list? Well, they're playing cornhole professionally. They've done a lot of shit going on in their lives professionally by the way the split in five hundo, which isn't exactly I

Mean 250 bucks, you're not getting far in this economy and Whitman mass I feel like you could buy a McMansion good points. What is a McMansion? I keep hearing McMansion What happened to mansion or not mansion? Where we at Mick? Is that an Irish guy? No? I think McDonald's is like cheap shitty food. It's a cheap shitty mansion. I believe It's like a it's like a you know, you put it in the machine and just crank it out Exactly So oh boy. Oh man, we're all we're all very active cat. Oh, he's all over the place But we gonna say he loves we call this pride rock and he's I think he's bugged cuz we got two feet

one lady shoe one menopausal and Zoom mic, and I think he's a little little annoyed by it. It's four feet, but Damn it. Rock. What is he gay? What do you mean pride rock? Well, like a lion king? You ever seen it? I saw it, but a long time ago. I'll send you a clip I remember the sex thing. Remember he falls and it turns into sex. Oh Yeah, when the Disney guys got all horned up and started animating Yeah, we did the Aladdin put your clothes on dickless or what was it all good teenagers take off their clothes

But put your clothes on dickless is better. Yeah that's Frozen in the Will Smith one So anyways as predicted the two fat guy and they throw and they never smile once they just toss it in there and you try to go Hey, what's up there pal? I'm a comedian. They don't listen. They just throw it in. Yep, but so the thing about the dads When you play cornhole your your teammate is on the other end and your opponents are next to you So if we were standing like this, you'd be my opponent with your partner down there Oh, so you got to make small talk with the fat weirdo and your buddies across the way

Exactly, it's a lot of small talk and I had Mike Whitman as my teammate I love the wit we were the porky pines two words fun. And it's a weird. He's named after the town Yeah, I'm in the town. My best bud is the same name as my town. That's like I bring you and your name is Joe Orleans That's a good. That's a good porn name. Oh, yeah, spicy like the head Any jizz so I'm sitting they make it small talk and one of my team that my opponents is like a young whippa snapper And he says hey, how do you know what brings you to the fire department gig? I go well, my uncle's one of the firemen and he goes. Oh, which one I say oh Campbell over here

He's got the huge cock and the little feet. Yeah, that's true big Dale big Dale huge cock I'm gonna hear about Dale. That's a fire hose downtown. It's a thick thick So I say I know him but I mean I don't I know all the guy I've been I've been hanging out because my uncle graduated the fire Academy the same week. I did my first open Wow Big name so we kind of came out at the same time and So I go I know all these guys for 20 years and I point to this one guy over here I go that guy right there that guy's a fucking oh, that's because this kid goes. I'm the new recruit. Oh He's the newest fireman. I can't give you the tea put the tea here

That seems you'll be carrying. All right. What's precarious mean strange peculiar? No, that's that's different. That's a different carry. This is like if something's precariously balanced, which means it could fall Oh, maybe it's a little dangerous care must be in there. Mmm, right? rious Interesting pre cautious. Maybe it's in that family. Oh, yeah, it's gone. It kills itself. Yeah, it's about time Sitting here all day. I don't blame it Anyways, the kids says I'm the new recruit and I go, oh, wow, you knew I'm like, well, let me tell you about the guys I know all these guys. Oh, this guy's nuts. And I go this guy over here. He's a fucking psychopath complete maniac

We used to drink together. I could tell you some stories about this fucking nut right here. Yeah, and then this kid goes. That's my dad So I had to do the well maniac in a good way obviously Yeah, but I mean I didn't want to get into details. Luckily I didn't but we used to I mean, what are we talking fucking animals? Running over kids. What are we doing here? I mean, well, I'm 22. He's probably 10 years older He's on the fire department. You know single guy. I'm I'm gay. We're young with drinking I mean just use your imagination folks, but all right. Well, we know where you got the herp Well, I'm telling this whip a snap. I'm glad I didn't tell any stories out of school because but it's weird though That's what made me think about this. We're talking about eating pussies

Isn't it weird to think your dad was running around I know I know my dad was a hunk in his day, too So he really I'm sure he was eating a caboose and licking nips and fucking boys Why wouldn't it be weird if you were playing cornhole with an old guy and he pointed to your dad It was like this guy's a straight fucking psycho right here I think I would love my dad's got a briefcase and a buttoned up green shirt with with bad pants and then brown shoes I think I'd like that. Well, you might get some of his shoes, but But the kid I'm sure no I didn't tell like I gave it anyway because he's on the fire department with

So they must all be telling stories, but I was just thinking I can't imagine a situation Where a guy with a big bushy mustache says all this guy points to old Steve List Yeah, this guy's a pure psycho maniac. No same with my dad. I would never happen They go, hey, you know your dad was the best Cub Scout or whatever, you know, and it would be He's gotta know though because he's on the fire team some other guy probably your father was a fucking Retired out there. He was fucking donkeys. We took him to the donkey show we down out of Mexico and you know He plowed a pig the fire team

But anyways that was great I don't want to get too into the cornhole But we had a great time because I got more cornhole But I don't want to if I talk for too long these people they send me death threats Well, who is the fat guys that we do we follow them? Can we give them a goog or they a couple of You know Huskers well, so that's the other thing so the fact guys they win they get the 200 bucks the assholes But here's the best part so you have the tournament. It's fine when we did well Whitman and I we won three games He was Jesus this cat's dying for you to give it a toss

Yeah, get on there. They can't point. It's like Louise Joe. Yeah. Oh Right my penis. Yeah. Yeah, he's assaulting There you go. All right, I'm gonna throw it really far away. Yeah, out the window poor for four. Yeah Keep going. Hello. Got though Easy boogaloo I was wearing clogged this cat. He wouldn't last a minute in the wild. I'm basically giving it to you Why'd you throw it that way? Well, he'll keep you'll stay on the chair for a minute We're gonna throw it in the closet and shut it. Well, he's gonna come out eventually

So the two fat guys win they're fine, but so here's the fun thing is They go they were raising the funds for the fire department yada yada and this music playing everyone's eating wings It's a good time, but then they set up now if you're ever doing a fundraiser I'm gonna look right in the camera for this. This is how you raise funds. All right All right, you ever have your daughter brain cells are all wacky or whatever. I mean this thing's killing me This is out of control. Oh, maybe I'll just get rid of the string the string or the cat something Yeah, the people listening to auto. They're gonna be like what the fuck's going on here The cat is keeps bringing a tampon string up to Joe Joe keeps throwing in the cat brings it back

It's got tell you it's got the mind of a dog. I think he's a trans. Yeah, you got a little trans cat dog It's down there. Yeah, dummy. He thinks he put it on the couch, but it's down. He wants you to pick it up He thinks he did his part. He showed up with it You got to get on the YouTube folks if you really want to have a YouTube we were like Jack Hanover here Putting it back here. How do you like that? It'll climb up there. Is this child abuse? Oh, no I finally I'm with the cat for the first time. Yeah, you got to figure it out there. Sure luck

We're losing all the audio listeners we got to come back audio. It's enough with the cat already Get the string the string thing's gonna bump me out. I'm gonna put him down I'm listed Mark's holding the cat if you're listening at home. Yeah So here's how you raise funds for your sick kids. Yes They set up the long toss so the cornhole board they put the cornhole board 50 feet away Yeah, and draw a little line Whoever can make it in the hole it costs five bucks for a throw you can throw two at it two turns in a row Ten bucks two turns. Okay, and if you get it in you get half the pot now the ego kicks in

The ego the fun the wacky everyone goes I think I can do that doesn't look so hard Yep, I'm telling you this was like a back alley in Harlem in the 30s Everybody's going. Oh Can you get it give it to old Jimbo you got to give it to Steve Steve let he'll throw it and get Marty over here Marty Can throw a bag. Yeah, no my wife. She throws on the hand. You got a factor in the wind You're not factor in the rain. It went crazy 800 bucks Nobody ever wanted what people were missing a couple people hit the rim one guy skidded over it

I put in 50 bucks myself I kept going back up there and they go list is getting another shirt everyone started rooting for each other I mean money was flying everywhere people were sponsoring other people a young kid threw it and it landed on the rim And some guy goes hey re up he handed him a 20. He doesn't even know him He just handed 20 bucks. Yeah, he had the kid suck his dick. It was pretty wild I get the rules one more time you throw it in a kid's mouth. What is it? So the the board is 50 feet away, okay, and you gotta be behind the line You get a toss five bucks gets you one toss, okay

If you get it in you get half the pot and of course the the other half goes to the fire department Building and building and building Wow, that's genius and it went for an hour It took over the whole thing to the point They had to go put that down the finals are happening of the tournament And we had to go watch the fat assholes win all the money, but I mean this was why I mean people were screaming jumping jiving We got to make that national we cure Hepatitis I'm telling you what because here's the thing about it. These guys the ringers. Yes people I mean, I'm very good at cornhole. I'm above average. All right say cuz Whitman. I mean he was brutal

But we won three matches. I carry the team he came on strong at the end All right, you ever have the thing with the the cornhole where you got your own bag and you hit it They both go in. Oh, that happens a lot. I mean there was some drama drama. That's big, but I Lost my train of thought. Oh, but these ringers so they can throw it in every time They just toss it in on the whole it never misses the board, but if you move it back 20 30 feet They don't know what they're doing. It's a different sport different game So nobody could do it and we were all screaming and there was like a I don't know what you say anymore like a special needs guy

And everyone kept giving him money He took about 40 try and everyone was like come on buddy. You got and we wanted him to hit it so bad, of course But the new term is down Z. I think that's I'm talking I mean hundreds and hundreds of dollars. It was a huge hit. This thing is wants that string so bad I know well, he's got to learn you got to figure it out there Chachi, I Like to get the good. Oh, yeah. All right, but anyways, let me shove this mic up my ass because I'm gonna get death threats About seven people that hate me. Well, I I got a saga here. Oh, I love a song

Saga saga cereal. Here we go. Now. This is a doozy now. We last talked when I was in Nashville Mm-hmm. How you doing cat and I didn't realize I had a Sunday show So I suck of course, you know, I need an assistant. I can't make a schedule. So now I'm here on a Sunday I'm in Nashville. I'm in Rhode Island on Monday. Hmm, which I thought I'd fly back Sunday You have a night in New York you make love to the lady you fuck the cat and then I would drive up on Monday to the Rhode Island three-hour drive three and a half No dice now. I have to change my flight to fly into New York earlier Jump right in a guy's car and high tail it up to Rhode Island

Brutal on paper. You're like, hey, you land in New York. You're jumping a guy But you just you got your suitcase you want to go home you're hung over you're teared up You're crunchy in the socks brutal brutal. So I land I drop my shit off She goes, hey, you're home and I go zip it cunt and I walk right out the door and go all the way up to Astoria Jumping Raj's car, you know Raj Siviraman now Balani Not a Raj Balani different Indian same color. No, and so we go up to Queens We jump in his car and we just start

Driving straight to Rhode Island. They got a cut through Connecticut and we all know Connecticut on a weekday in this Time of year is a nightmare. I did it today. I drove from Massachusetts this morning left 7 30 a.m It's just a kick right in the sack. You can't I get around it. It's like COVID It's everywhere and it's that sandy hook. Look we get at the kids died get over it. Keep the cars moving So we get caught here. We go blubba-dubba-doo, but we're making decent time. We're like, okay, the show's at 7 We'll get there at 5 30. We'll have time to kick back or we're gonna there at 6, you know, you have a meal Doug keys there. I like Doug rogue Island comedy fest. Check it out every year in Rhode Island Newport We're driving along talking shit comedians bullshitting farting boom tire blows. Oh

God, I know so you go. Well, it happened. Let me get out and change it He's like, I don't want to change. I'm like, I got it I finally get to put pull my skirt off and put my overalls on because I know how to change a tire Nobody knows how to change a tire. Yeah, that's strange strange. Some people get we know can't even drive Yeah, or pump gas even meet those people. No, I've never seen that. Oh my god There's people that are like, I don't know how to pump gas. I got to find a full station. I'm like, what are you saying? Wow? Jesus Christ, it's like the Jean-Jacques a bore over here. Can you turn on the windshield wiper? What else can't you do exactly? Who puts your belt on?

We get out of the car and he's got one of these Jeep I think it's called a Jeep legacy or Pioneer. It's it's a Jeep of some kind But it ain't a Wrangler or a Cherokee Jeep trick. Yeah, so I go. All right. Let me pop the trunk. No spare Ah, well, that's that makes it hard to change the tire can't spare a square, but They go it's almost like a little brittle. They go. Hey, you got no spare in this car but we supplied you with a weird thing that Pumps into your car and a pump sealant Seal it to the car. So it fixes the wheel. Yeah, you literally it has a hose and he go you twist it

If I got the string Wow, I'm almost proud of you even though you're super annoying That's impressive. That was impressive. Good for you He's talking a blue streak now Jack. Yeah string theory so This it's got a tube and it pumps into your tire and you put it on sealant and it pumps in sealant and then It's supposed to have patched the hole from the inside Then you twist it the knob and it puts air in Wow. That's insane insane and you know on paper Hey, that's pretty pretty clever here. We did this Steve Jobs Stephen Hawking Neil deGrasse tie

So we were down on our knees where we're doing oh seal it put the seal in okay, it's all electric It's up in the the cigarette lighter thing and then we go okay. I think that's enough seal and put air in so we put the air in It's not it's not moving. It's not going up and down So I called Doug and I go hey no dice the cars flat you got to come over like my ex and Doug goes already comes picks us up. It's 30 minutes out. Then we drive there do the shows two shows shows are great Lot of gays. It's in a hotel. We have some beers. We have some pizza great time So the whole time we're doing that there's like a bunch of comics there and all the comics are getting hammered going We're staying we got a hotel room. We're we're no bodies. We're gonna hang out here

We're gonna drink and try to get laid and whatever and I'm like I want to get back I want to get back sure we'll get back at three in the morning, but I want to get back sure so Raj goes yeah, I'd like to get back to and Doug goes you sure I got you the sweet Newport nautical theme hotels are really cool and pretty You know, there's a big fish on the wall and like they're all the submarine holes, you know the portholes windows. It's fun So I'm like wow, this is a nice room. I go up and take a shit in the room. It's a beautiful room It's huge, but I was like nah, let's let's high-tail it out of here and Raj goes. What about the car tire?

I go. Oh, yeah, we go to Walmart. We buy a plug Plug yeah, you plug the hole. Oh The sealant didn't work sick. I never heard of a plug. Oh, you plug a tire You got a hole there you go and you plug put a plug in and pull it out and it stays Like a butt plug. Yeah, it's a butt plug. It's pretty reliable and The guy at the Walmart guy the tire guy was like, oh, yeah, this will get you you can drive 75 miles an hour for like a week On this thing. We're like great. Nice. So we get the plug that takes us a half hour We figure out how to plug it, you know, we got the car up on the whatever we plug it and we go great

And now by this time this is where the gas station the whole thing took forever cop show up because we're out in the middle of nowhere and a gas station plug in a tire and It's in we've a couple of guys and an Indian dude So the cops like who's this? What do you call this kind? We're like he's Indian He goes woo or don we go it's a dot and he goes all right great And we get back in the car and it's one of those things where we're like, hey, hey going pretty good I think we're good. You know, it's one in the morning. We're gonna make it by four. We're gonna make it. All right So we drive for about an hour. We forget about it. We stop worrying about it. Oh

the plug blows Blown plug on plug blow me blow me down Yeah, so Now we're like shit, so we call Doug and he goes hey, I'm knee-deep and gas over here I got a sailor hat on and a strap on in my ass. I can't come get you now How far have you gotten that you're still calling Doug? It couldn't be too far. We had about an hour and change We're in the we're in the sticks now. I feel like you're abusing Doug We just had to say hey, we just wanted we just wanted to vent. What about triple a doesn't have triple a

He doesn't have triple a and they said even if you do they would just tow it And then they'd have to bring you to a hotel or bring you to New York We're like, we don't want to sit with a tow truck or how's that gonna work? So we're like fuck. What do we do here? What about 24 hour Walmart? Nothing. We tried it Yeah, and we even rode a few miles on the rim like going we went to a gas station We put air in it filled it up and then it just Went down like an old queef so we go. Yeah, we're in the middle of nowhere. It's two in the morning So we go I guess we got to get a motel

So we went from having a suite Oh my god to now getting a motel with This honky and this Indian guy. You always want to take a lift back to the suite I looked into the lift. It was up like 280 bucks or something because there's no no drivers available I looked in everything isn't he a driver That is just Indian. Okay, so Now we look up motels So I'm sitting on the side of the road the cars jizzing Raj's pissed and

The cops pulled back up. This is a new town. We're in now the cops pull the old town. That's where Well, this was old say Brooke. Oh, that's where Don't tell me don't Catherine Hepburn live. Is that right? Yeah, we're like the richest town very nice town Well, you don't say Brooke the cops pull up Brooke shields and they go what the hell are you kids doing with the Indian and we go? Oh, yeah Yeah, flat tire we plugged it but plug Hair plug it didn't go and they go Well, you can't just stand around here and we go. Yeah, well, where do we go?

And he goes well, you can stay at the end and we go how far is that he goes about a mile and we go should we walk? He goes, all right get in The whole thing I'll put on the page The cops like they're around here. Oh, I've had a few tonight, you know, it was great. That's great. They're protecting They're serving. Yeah, they're protecting a little protect And you're gonna get a car and how you can't right and I made Joe like very uncomfortable back here He's like you got that right. We do that on purpose. I'm like, I know I know the on purpose Yeah, I'll give you the on purpose thing. So good times and you really feel bad for the the black folk cuz I'm like this is great

We're having fun. What is that a 12 gauge? They're blast. Yeah, it was great some of them too. It's a real hoot. Yeah, so he drives us to the Motel and it's like out of a John Hughes movie like all right, you take that bed. I'll take this bed It's a shit box, you know, there's fleas everywhere. There's stains on the wall. There's jizz in my ass and But those bears yeah, exactly and he said those are pillows so he's in his bed We're both in our you know that thing where you got to get down to your undies and t-shirt He's covered in hair and I'm like, all right. Well

Guess we could turn in now the lights are out. You can feel each other in the room We don't know each other that well. He's a nice guy, but the whole thing is like, how did we get here? This is brutal. I know a female comic is a friend just had to share a room with a male comic It's not you're not gonna get raped or anything, but it is that weird thing of like I turn out the light now It's so weird. What's your over the age of like? 11 it's so weird sharing a room with a person you know brush my teeth when you're done. Yeah, I gotta see your feet I don't want to see a guy's feet exactly and like I have weird routine I did a plank, you know the whole thing was off off kilter and

Did you get to know he's like do you mind if I call my girl? My guy's like honey, I love you if I never see you again. I'm like, oh god I'm under the covers. I'm jerking off. You know the whole thing was cuckoo. Did they have beads? Sometimes they have beads No beads. Thank God. Thank God. I hate the beads. I had anal beads, but Those when the lights went out, but yeah, it was wild and you know He's a great guy and of course you get no sleep. You're tossing and turning. He's saying Allah in the middle of the night I'm snoring. He's farting The old man is snoring whatever, you know, and he goes what here's what I'm gonna do

I'm gonna wake up at eight because we did a lot of googling Alright easy cat did a lot of googling. Oh, I'll keep them going for a minute We get a lot of googling. He's like the tire shop opens at eight So I'm gonna call them immediately when we wake up and we'll get the tile the car over there and then We'll get a ride back or whatever. Okay, so I go, okay, great So he calls the tire shop. No one has this tire Jeep fucked everybody on give not giving a spare that Seal it horseshit didn't work. Nobody's got this time. They're like, oh, they don't make that He's like, let me call it every tire shop. Oh, yeah, have you tried this one? Yeah, I tried that one

Oh, yeah, those tires are out of commission COVID did it did he guys are always prickly too. Oh very prickly and Turns out one guy's like we have that in our warehouse, but the warehouse is about two hours away So I have to go there and then drive back. So probably about 4 p.m We'll be able to get you back. Oh, and we're like 4 p.m I was in Nashville 10 seconds ago that I came straight to Rhode Island and now I'm stuck in Rhode Island and old say Brooke All I can do is hear the lady going. I told you not to do these gigs just say no Why are you going to Rhode Island? You just got off a flight you psycho So then I go aha

Those drunk guys at the at the show the party they're they're partying. I bet they're not even up yet The guys from the show who stayed in the hotel. Oh, I see so I go Hello, hey guys, it's me Mark Dorman headliner. What are you guys doing? They're like, ah, we're gonna head back soon. You in New York yet? No, actually, we had a tire pop and they're like Oh shit, where are you? Well, we're don't say Brooke. Okay. Well, what do you need? I could could you swing through here and pick us up? They pick us up pick it's taking you where though back to Manhattan. What? Well, they live in New York Oh, they live in New York. These are all New York comics. I see I see I got a little confused

They went party. They got a free room. They're gonna take advantage. I got you so So they're on their way to New York anyways They're on the way to New York anyway. They scooped the niblets. They scooped the niblets So when they go, we're like just get up. I'm gonna go back to bed for a minute. He's got a shit blood So we go. All right, you need to take your time. You know, you're extra nice when someone's helping you Well, whatever you got to do. I'll give you guys money So me and Raj head over to the little mom and pop diner. We have a nice obelisk

come back we get the car to the shop and Raj goes, I'm gonna stay with the car and I go you're a good man I'll see you later and I jump in the car with these queefs and we hide tail it back to the big apple That's beautiful all's well that ends well. I mean is he all right is his car, okay? I kept out of guilt. I kept checking in on him. Like how is it? He's like they're a little prickly They're give me shit. I'm Indian and the beads and then but he finally got home. Oh good. Thank God that away Raj Raj story with neighbors. Yeah, good guy. I wonder if I know Raj. I'm sure you man He's got a studio out there. He's offering us to have but it's an Astoria

Yeah, that's right live but Studio all right. Well, you know, maybe I'll hit them up But what that is quite a tail quite a tail quite a tail So I got home and then it's one of those things were like now. It's two or one So you're like I got no sleep the Indian guy now I'm with these guys and you're just wiped from like all the planning and figuring things out and then the driving back See, you know the whole time like a punch buggy. What are you doing for Christmas? And they're great guys. Oh boy. Someone's here. I think that's Raj

I don't know who that the door. What do you do? I bet it's FedEx. Oh You got that? I don't know who that could be federal express. Oh Oh, right All right, I'm gonna lane today. I always thought that was kind of sexy when she was like federal express Oh, yeah, that was fun. There's something hot about a woman with a dude voice and a lady joking is fun Yeah, I think so. I think that's what it is. You don't see women joking enough Chelsea Handler Tuesday's the story is also brought to you by green chef green chef is America's number one meal kit for eating

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But right now they have an exclusive offer just for you gays go to public rec Dot-com and use code Tuesdays to get 10% off. That's public rec REC dot-com and use our promo code Tuesdays for 10% off do it back to the show Wait, what was I gonna say? Raj. Oh, yeah, I just had that same feeling because I Landed in flu was in Palm Springs flew home landed at like 12 30 a.m.. Drove got a cab to Astoria Got in at 1 a.m. Yeah, watch TV because you just go straight into bed now

No bed straight you got to watch TV for an hour went to bed woke up at 9 a.m.. Got right in the car and drove to Whitman For this cornhole business, but it's the same thing. I haven't and then I drove woke up at 7 30 this morning drive back So it's like I haven't been home home. Yes in like 10 days Oh my straight from one trip to the other and one trip was a Palm Springs desert tennis hiking vacation Right, and the other one was with 48 people raising funds for a goddamn fire department with two fat ringers So it's like I've had two completely different situations And I wish we podcasted post Palm Springs because I'd be I'm on top of the world I did this and now I'm in this family hangover. It's like a hangover

The family they take it out of you. I just saw my family name. They they have a way of making you feel Stupid again. Well, they I've read some psychology bullshit That was like your family always sees you as you were when a kid they treat you in that way Yes, so it doesn't matter how much fucking Credits and whatever you've done Money you make you're still just that piece of shit. That's afraid to go on Space Mountain Yeah, I'm the bedwetting braces curly-haired nerd saying that like they still to this day They're like remember you chickened out in Space Mountain. I was like I was nine

I was on a helicopter in Baghdad. Yeah I'm wearing a helmet and a flak jacket and they're fuck. I'm in Saddam Hussein's palace literally. How do you like that mom? I'm taking a shit in ISIS's Toilet I was a little afraid of the roller coaster when I was nine I'm on TV over here. I didn't have pubes now. I got too many blow me Anyways, yeah, so it's a whole thing, but I gotta tell you a little bit about this Palm Springs It's a good movie. What a job. I enjoyed the hell out of that film, but What a great time great trip and and Sarah's been busting my queefs a little bit because she's like we go on too many trips

I'm trying to get worked. I'm trying to go momentum. Wow. I got the opposite in this bedroom over here Well, we should flip because that's wife swap. I got Getting this thing because I always want to go play something like let's live we got some money We got I always say to you all the time. What's the point of doing comedy? We're trying to beat the system here You're right. You're right. Why am I gonna work? I don't want to work. No, you've got the right attitude We're all a bunch of workaholics. We can't sit with ourselves Meanwhile, you go to a oh you as open in a Yankee game in the same fucking day Then you go over to a splash mount. It was the Mets and there's no splash as a desert, but close enough

But hey, I mean we could probably compare bank accounts. It wouldn't be pretty but Still I'm having a nice time out there, but we went to Palm Springs. I go It's just gonna be two days. So I made it quick fast because I'm trying to you try to Well three and a half days, but two full days, okay So we travel we wake up at 4 a.m. Go out to JFK you fly to Salt Lake City Layover then fly to Palm Springs rent the car. So then you get there you get you leave at 6 a.m. East Coast Yeah, you get there. It's 1 p.m. So you have a whole day and night That's something then two full days of no travel those are tennis days

And then the next morning you have some time before you fly out got it so we got day session one day for the Indian Wells tennis tournament night session the next night and I gotta tell you I want to be rich and just go to every day of a tennis tournament because you get into it You get you spend the whole day there and that's like a smaller tournament So the players play two days in a row and there was nobody there because usually the tournaments in March But they moved it to October because of the the fucking Shit and all the big stars aren't playing Joe Kovic's not there Nadal Federer Serena Williams. Where are they? I think they're all schedule wise the older guys now. They just save it for the big Grand Slam

Oh, so this is like a shitty fest. It doesn't matter where you got to save it up for the The big Montreal Super Bowl well when you get old now. Yeah, now they're like that So any jizz there's like nobody at this fucking thing So we're sitting with our feet up and I'm yeah, I was killing with the little ladies around. Oh, yeah That's some big lines. Love it. Let's hear it now Let me hear you. Let me hear what you think of this because this really kind of peeved me peeve in my ass So there's three British ladies. We're like the only ones in this section. Then there's three British ladies bad teeth and There it's sometimes it's hard, you know, you can't control what kind of teeth you get but so they're sitting up there

And me too. They didn't take oh boy, but Legs all right. Sorry. I'm yelling. We're all cheering for Andy Murray. He's a British, you know, he's coming back the whole thing Why me so I'm going come on Andy. We're all cheering for him He's getting beat and I go come on Andy We all like you better and that gets a big laugh because it's like, you know, it's a nice sport whatever and clean and these three old ladies they laugh like oh funny funny whatever and Something something I'm getting some laughs. They keep looking back and then every break they play the music and I'm dancing like a goof

Dancing everybody loves it the whole thing. I'm a hit in the section. I love it. Love it. Hit with the old broads. So then Tell me what you think of this. Mm-hmm. So it's in the second set and Manny Murray's he's gonna lose and I go come on Andy come back. We don't want to go home yet. Okay, funny Whatever cute and this woman goes. Have you got a home? Oh What is that she turned on you have I got a home? I mean she was being funny But I'm like, have I got a home? I got a beautiful home. What am I homeless? I'm like, you want to see my bank account? I'm doing quite well. Yeah, I've got a home I'm not an asshole. I'm not smoking cigarettes and yelling cunt. I'm being clever and cute over here

I'm at a tennis tournament for God's sakes. I don't know if she was being cutesy. That sounds pretty cutting I think the old bag was sticking it to you. I feel like she was sticking it Yeah, a little piss and vinegar and this Nana. What the fuck is that? Have you got a home? I think you had one too many Riffs and she she was like, all right, that's you're off. You're cut off But I think she thought I was gonna be like, I don't know home and I go I go like this. Yeah Which I thought was pretty good boy. That's that's a punch right to the kisser. I go. Yeah, I live in New York You fucking douche. I buy a very expensive rent. Yes. Yeah, yeah, Britt. What are you doing here? You're on our turf by the way, you're in section 480. You're not exactly killing it. I mean come on

Yeah, good point and you're gonna die soon. So what you cheer up there cocoon? I didn't care for that. Have you got a home? Not a fan. I seem homeless. I'm at a tennis tournament Right, exactly and maybe offensive to the hobos out there. Yeah, exactly. So fuck her But anyways, it was a great time. I got a little bathroom tail bathrooms hit me fatty I thought this was fun So I had a layover in Salt Lake City and I had to take a huge shit What is it about waking up early that throws your gastral system off?

I have the same thing and I don't know how about your your Waterworks in here and all that but for some reason if I'm feeling off and I shit. I feel better I think my body brings all the toxins and all the dog shit together and I get it out and I feel better Yeah, that's what I have but it's so weird when you wake up three hours earlier. You're just nothing but farts Yeah, and it really is. I'm like are we just farting all night just Maybe it seeps through your dick hole and just you don't even you don't even make the flapping noise just And that's what they thought ghosts were in the in the old days could be well He's a stinky ghost so I got a shit

So I run off the plane and run into the bathroom now. This is gonna be hard to Visualize but I come in and I don't like I had to go to the I was gonna say I don't like urinals But I had to shit so you can't shit in a urinal and I don't know nothing public So I come in and there's a bunch of people. It's busy at the air. That's a huge airport Salt Lake city. Oh, yeah, hub. So a big Delta hub So I walk in and then there's three stalls very nice airport nice bathroom And I come in and the first stall door is open a jar It's a jar open and it's got the green. It's got the green red system. Oh lock unlock

Yes, so it's unlocked and open a jar of pickles. Yes, so your head then there's just a guy Standing outside of it. He looks like he's waiting with the doors open So I walk right by him and as I walk in I bump into a guy who's leaving I go shit Sorry, I didn't know anyone's in there He's like just finishing up and turning and I was like I didn't know anyone's in there because the doors open I got mad him like you gotta lock the door. What I hate people that don't lock the door. Yeah, so I go in He closes the door and I just hear fuck what the fuck and then I hear him say to this other guy I goes I thought you were waiting here. He's like I was waiting. He's like I got a shit so bad

I've been waiting this whole fucking time, huh? So this guy outside was waiting for his buddy to finish pissing so he could shit What but the buddy didn't lock the door so I cut the guy Are you getting this bitch why was he outside well one guy's in the stall pissing yes And the other guy is standing right outside the door waiting for the stall and you cut him I cut him but only because The door was unlocked Joe. I just thought he was standing there like a fucking weirdo in the bathroom Uh-huh. I didn't realize why didn't you go? Hey dickless. I'm about to shit. I think as I came in at such a strong angle

I just went I just zipped in I see you zipped and he was coming out The guy was coming up. He like whoa. Whoa. What the fuck is this? So I just blatantly cut him But now I know this guy's waiting to shit and he was gonna shit his pants, but now I'm in there So now I can't shit cuz I'm thinking about this guy Wow, but what now you know you cut him now I know I cut him, but I got a shit so I don't give a fuck about him Sure your ass is on the on this on the warmth. It's on the seat exactly It's his buddy's fault that I cut him cuz his buddy's a chuchu didn't fucking lock the door

Interesting pop unlock because if he had locked the door, I would have went ah shit someone's in there And then this guy would have went oh, and I'm next right. Oh Jesus. Oh boy. Do you see what I mean? I do. This is a little Kirby a situation here But then I had to shit while listening to a guy talk about how he had to shit and I can see like under his feet I like doing the little I got a shit dance and shitting is already vulnerable And now when somebody's angry and you got a rush of shit get out of here rush of shit rush of Shawna I mean, I had to shit as fast as good and I wiped a hundred times and I had the magic marker in my ass I got I hate the marker and then I come out and he's still there. He's like

I'm like Sorry, bro. Yeah, and so now he's got a shit on top my shit. I didn't flush the toilet the whole thing not to mention all the awkward like This guy, you know, it was a shit after anybody you got a shit you got a shit Oh, he's third in the batting order at least at least not to mention the Mormons in that town And what did what is a polygamy? Yeah? Well, so anyways, I cut a guy in line took a big shit. He had the shit and that was wacky But all's well that shits well. Yeah, I guess so And I got I got I mean, I got a bunch of other stuff. Do you want to hear so? Yeah, I'd love to say it on me. Oh British lady do you have a home? Okay, that one I did. Okay. Well this one

Boy, I had a lot of shitting stories. So I'll skip the shit story. But then how about that? You're gonna hate this woman and her daughter. I can't wait. We've got a coupes coming. Isn't it fun to just hate people? Oh Yeah, that's why I got in the KKK really enjoyable. Yeah What about a gay gay gay, you know, it's like a hate group of all gays. I like it. I like it the gay gay gay gay gay They they were they could wear sheets, but they'll be like pink Pink sheets. Thank you. That's something pink. She's a pink sheet. That's when you get fired, right? Oh a pink slip a pink slip Yes, that was a sheet. Why don't I think she'd what's sheet? There's a rap sheet There's a

Can't for that music the sheet music the sheet music Music the gay gay gay listen to sheet music. Is that something rap sheet music? Okay, cuz it's gonna be sheet music for rap songs. Hey All right, there's also sheets the gas station. All right. Yeah come and go Wow, yeah Petal Stuckies is a one down south. Oh, yeah, I know Stuckie's Stuckie Murray remember them Past give that a goog. I don't know one of them died. I assume in a fire. Well, they funny. I don't really remember them I've never seen them around music. Yeah

Yeah, that's all you need to remember But Henry's great. Oh, Henry Phillip. Oh, yeah, he's funny and Steven Lynch. Whatever happened to that cook I don't know but Steven was huge. Yeah, he was big. I don't know. It's sorry He was black head Berg Lynch David tell they were a deraldo. They were all in cahoots dain cook. That's right That was a different breed different generation So listen to these women that I hate Back to the broad day to the tournament this time. It's night. We go to night session Which is just so fun. You have the morning session. You're there all day. It's like a festival that that that I mean

Isn't enough tennis we've seen enough enough. That's tennis all day. I love tennis I mean, I just love it and I finally I taught Sarah how to how it's scoring works, which was fun So she got into it a little bit. I brought my camera. So I was taking some like real photos and shit I mean, I can just sit there all day and all night. I just love it So I'm there the night to we cut day to but we're at the night session Which is beautiful because the Sun is setting over the mountains. It's spectacular. I love the desert Palm Springs Is it boiling hot out there? No, it's gorgeous Southern California in the fall. It's like 75 and so it was hot actually But not horrible. It was like, you know, 85 dry heat. Whatever the fuck that means, but when the sun goes down, it's like

58 60 That's lunch gambling hiking. We hiked all day Spectacular woke up early as through water in her face take her out go hiking here here And it's such a great activity to hike all day Then go to tennis because ten you're just sitting there quiet Nice way to unwind so there's it's again. It's pretty quiet watching the match and there's a fat Woman and her fat daughter two rows in front of us. Okay, and I'm talking it's it's sparse So there's like two people on that end of the aisle two rows behind us. There's a few people couple of fat ringers

Yeah, so we're sitting behind the fat mother-daughter combo then a guy comes he's solo and he's drunk But a nice guy just by himself. I relate to this guy. Sure. He's a drunk He's watching tennis by himself. I can I see myself in this guy. What a weird tennis Palm Spring drunk alone That's a weird mix Palm Spring is a kind of a high affluent highfalutin area. It is very gay area very gay Well, the gay is like nice areas sure And so So he's a guy he comes in and he's got he's by himself. He's drinking some kind of chocolate drink with a rim and he's Chocolate drink with a rim. What kind of drunk is this? It's kind of like a powdered rim or some a cocoa rim

Is he one of these gays? I don't know. Yeah, I think he was gay. He seems straight He's gruff folder and like an overcoat maybe or something. All right, baby gays don't mind a rim So he's got a brown rim. Yeah, I think he's gay He's sipping on a brown rim drink. Maybe he's gay. I don't know. I can't tell what's what rim or rum Well, it's probably rum, but a room. Oh a rim room like a like a margarita, but brown Swap water, I don't know what that means. It's probably some tennis cocktails probably a mud mudville nine or whatever Yeah It's a it's a Williams sister. There you go liquid death. I don't know it had powdered shit on it

Can I get to the story? Sorry about it shit So he drinks the the Nestle quick thing puts that down then he leaves and I'm just I like this guy the fat woman and her Fat daughter there. They're just whatever. I don't care about sure. Sure. They're having a nice time They're taking selfies that I'm in which is always weird when you do the look when they're doing the selfies Oh, yeah, the photo bomb then the guy comes back and he's got a little tray. He's got a beer now He switched from licking a beer in the clear or whatever. He's got a big old beer and a hot dog with the war Yeah, love it relish Seaweed salmon mustard ketchup come the whole thing. I think he was straight

So he comes in and he's a little stomach as he's drunk, but he's got a tennis. I he's got a tennis booklet And I see and he walks a little past his seat and he takes a little bit of a dip and a turn and he spills Some beer. I'm talking just a lip just a little Layer meniscus it spills on the floor and the woman goes. Oh What The daughter goes. Oh my god. She's like 14. She goes. Oh my god. He goes. Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry I'm so sorry. He falls down into his seat. He's got a hot dog and a beer and he goes. I'm so sorry. Oh, sorry My god, she goes what the and they both throw in their hands

Hands up to shoot This and then they get up. Oh, the daughter keeps looking at the back like doing this. Oh my god I'm jizz on you lady. I'm sitting there. You're at a sporting event. You're gonna get a little beer It's a sporting event. He's an old man He's a sad drunk old man and you did you got to give him the hey no sweat. Yes How many beers I've had dropped on me people have pissed in my mouth coming my ass for fun It's like what are you talking about and shit the daughter keeps looking at the back? Oh my god I'm appalled and I'm looking at the shirt. There's not even anything on the shirt. Yeah, she audibly goes asshole

Wow They get up and they move down which doesn't even make sense. Does it make sense like what's he gonna keep dumping beer on you? You crazy goose get out of here he spelled you're at a professional live sporting event you dumb shit head I would have gone up and blown the guy just out of guilt I feel horrible for this guy, so she gets up and she moves down here now They're directly in front of me and this hand waving goes on for eight minutes Oh my lord the check in the back looking at the shirt and the daughter. I'm like you're raising a fucking douche bag Yes, this is a Tina teach your kids some like forgive me. It happens. No sweat right hell of a match

I mean, what are you gonna? You're gonna be a little wet? We're in the desert it will dry and it was barely on her we hated her and then I audibly said you're the asshole It's like Jerry at the opera I feel tough in attendance. Yeah, you got that right. I'll fuck that lady up. Yeah, you got a home What? Huh? What'd you say? That was a call back till the British goes. Oh, you got a home on the accent was too good I didn't I can't do the accent. Let me see there might be one See everything tends to be the opposite Bill Cosby's preaching all this good family living clean up your act Put your fucking pants up then he's killing people are raping people whatever he's doing Everything is the opposite. She called this guy an asshole. She's an asshole. I'm like you're the very definition of an asshole

Exactly a person made an honest mistake trying to get to their seat hands full at a sporting event And it's a drip it wasn't a full beer I've had a full 16 ounce beer dumped on me at a Pearl Jam show. I was unhappy I'm bummed cuz like I was drunk and you go ah fuck, but what am I gonna do fight him? I know exactly go ah shit now My pant legs, but I mean this was like Miniscule if anything Oddly Cosman asshole makes him feel bad shames him move seats. Yeah, I mean the hands in the air Dude and they kept talking but they were like whispering and going looking back at him and I'm like he's got nobody

He's a sad old guy. Just let him watch some tennis couple of Karen's right here And then the fat one's gonna die alone Let's be honest and the mom's probably a single lady She can't get a man with that kind of attitude come on. Ah, just forgive forgive and forget, but who am I? I'm not forgiving her forgetting so who don't I know I'm we're acting like the two fat bros to the to the beer guy But they deserved it. I mean you can't be that mean to a guy that that's too it's overdone It's unnecessary. You just want to be like I could help you. I need need help you need Allen You need therapy you need some meditation some forgiveness the kindness and is this the this is the biggest problem in your life

Your life is so great that you have one drop of beer spilled on you and you use it to emote all this horse shit That's going on you're hurting you got real problems something internal is going on You're taking it out on old Budweiser face and he was a nice guy and he was fine He was like come on let's go away He was cheering him on not obnoxiously just nice clapping and this was fascinating because we was he was one row up We could see him. He's just tweeting non-stop at people He's only this guy like no way to think of like a 60 year old guy Yeah, it was all because I was like leaning in to see he's like tweeting at tennis people be like that

She looks good in this one. Wow. There's some people that just use Twitter to be like hell of a match What'd you think bud? Yeah, that's true. That's interesting. Isn't it weird that we're sitting here I wasn't even at this fucking match and This is consuming me that consumed you yes consumed this guy probably thought about it for two second He's the one who got yelled at he probably put it out of his ass. He didn't care. He went. Oh, whatever. What's up with them? Also healthy to be fair. I mean, I got a show. I got to entertain Sometimes you get that by the way people right now. You got to get over your piece of shit. I'm like, well, we're doing a program here We need content and I can't just meditate over here. Right. Talk about something. It'd be not a great show

So I was meditating and did my mantra But that being said it did linger. It was like an hour limb just stare I mean every point I would just stare and be like you fucking Horrible people that does that do other people do that do other people. Oh, yeah, okay. Okay. I didn't know I think other people Just go, oh, that's crazy. Oh look at the swing on that cunt Maybe some people but I think most people are walking around but they're like fuming about their Lives or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well that that bums me out. I don't know that shit drives me crazy So, all right, you ready for this? Yes. All right. I'll try to pull this one out of my ass and

Hey snappers that delivered that delivered speaking of pulling out of the ass, so I Go to Rochester. Oh Market Polito comedy at the Carlson Rochester real blue collar, you know Bowson loam Kodak, you know, it was one of these boom towns It just fell to shit when when the Kodak went digital last time I was there was with you You know Chris Allen came up and visited the week 2017 crazy cuz they didn't do well 2017 yeah, it's four years ago. Holy moly. Yeah, we're old. I'm known in that long

so Doing the show Great show. You don't want a club really cares. They give a shit. He picks you up from the airport He's got a blazer on he's like, how are you buddy? We can't wait to have you We got you in this room. They check in with you like they need you to do that and all that but it's nice comedy at the Carlyle Carlson Well, I was

care you said care and I Carol Carolson, okay Yeah, I was looking to this Carlyle. I love it, but I fucking ruined the whole show either way We get to the place the show is great. He's one of these guys like he's tearing tickets. He's moving tables He's helping you. He comes in the green room and what do you need? He's got the rider there. Everything's great Quentin Taren tickets. There we go. We're back and Just a great show now. This is still like a

It's kind of a rough-and-tumble town that Rochester, you know, these are they got some town. He's up there scary So both all the shows are great, but the two late shows were pretty Wild west. Oh boy. I mean it is just zinging and saying and that guy's getting thrown out that guy heckled I shoot him down. He get thrown out. There's a fist fight. There's a chicken wing, you know I mean it was a rootin tootin over there and By the second show Saturday night, I just I just had it. I was like I gotta do my act This is this is not how comedy is right and the shows are great. The club's great. They were super I don't want to shoot on the club, but great club at one point. I did like a alright

Let's just drop the material and do a Q&A. Oh, that's where we're at here I mean I've gone full put the chalk down. I got an airplane a paper airplane shoot to my head You know, I'm the teacher. I'm going all right. What are you kids want to talk about? You want to do some rap? You want to fight? What do you want? You know, so I'm the substitute teacher. I'm pissed my hair is frazzled and We just started going What's up with it one guy? Where's Joe? You know that that's a fun one. He's on another gig. I'm sorry We're not actually connected, you know, whatever. I was like come here with mark. I'm like, what do you want to do feature for mark? What's going on here exactly have a life. They don't know what to yell one guy's like abortion squid game

You know, it's all this shit and one guy one lady goes bring back the second guy, which is always hurt. Oh, who's the second guy? That was Chris Allen. Oh, yeah, the feature That's a tough heckle I had to do a whole day. Oh, you got a black fetish You know, I've just tried not to be hurt because that's things but what are you gonna do and Now this is the clinker one guy goes this guy, you know the guy in the front row He's barely listening when he does listens. He goes Oh Yeah, he's falling over. He's clapping at the wrong time. Get a mark get him a lot of that shit

He was at the cornhole fundraiser. Yeah, he's a fat ringer and he hated these zingers But either way is if his fat daughter's texting, he's cheered me on for no reason and his other friend is sleeping So I already hate the table immediately What at one point the woman started filming me and I had to shit shit in her mass But so he you know, I'm zinging and zagging eventually the guy goes Front row raise his hand. I'm like you've been yelling at me all night. Now you raise your hand I eat the get a fucking the the class pet over here and I go. What is it? What is it dickless? What's the what's the big hubbub?

and he goes Can I get emotional and the whole place goes? Here we go. No, don't get emotional just ask a question or don't we've already had you know We've been through it and he goes he just stands up and he goes mark I gotta tell you and he just starts walking towards Sit your fat as dad don't come up here. This is a sacred stage You can't don't even put a foot on there pops up on stage and I'm not scared I have no stage fear because like whatever happens. I'll get broken up or I'll hit him with the mic stand or whatever

But he gets these pops up on stage and I'm like I'm up against the wall like this You know doing this bullshit like a cool guy and he's just walking towards me and I go Well, let's see what happens here, but I knew a camera is rolling. It's always nice. That's nice So I had a camera on me so he's walking towards me and he's you know, he's a little worse for wear whatever that means and Whoo out of the shadows the bouncer tackles Love it tackles his ass than another guy jumped said it was like a like a fumble when the ball's all over the place Sure a fumble. Yes, and they pick him up and they bring his raiders hat and his sweatpants off to the side and they just

I mean they Rodney King them up and I go, how do you like that? That's why you got a come see live comedy. Thanks for coming out I'm Mark Norman and we got off and great. Let's see. Did you get emotional or we got emotional in the in the hospital? I assume with them with the breathing tube and the make-a-wish, but Yeah, that was that was a wild wild evening. Oh, wow. That is Horrifying. I mean, yeah that town I had a couple run-ins with some street folk up there. Oh, yeah I always do I got a bad face boy. You're a sitting twat over there. I mean sitting cock I gotta grow some mutton chops and I don't know

Tattoo, maybe something to go tat on the neck or maybe a forehead Bullseye, I don't know what you need. Yeah, but I don't know. I can't remember what happened I remember we probably talked about in the podcast four years ago, but probably I remember having a couple situations up there It's a it's a dicey town, but a nice club. I'd like to be back. It's been about nine years. Yeah, great club They they want to have you they tell Joe tell Joe, you know, you know, we have to manage each other where we're each other's agent Like me going you got to do that club is gonna make you go I'll be there. I don't gotta go through an agent. You got to find a date. You got to do a contract But yeah, I haven't emailed the comedy club and been like can I come there since 1998?

Right. Well, it was an email was new right? What are you a scientist? That was an email. Yeah, but So that was that we sold some shirts. We took some photos I had the thing where the kid heckled me for an hour got thrown out bought a shirt. Isn't that oh wow That's a that's a no other art form has that nobody's going up to Pearl Jam throwing a burrito at his face And then Eddie Vedder is behind a table, you know going hey cash your card, right? So what what what more of a hands-on art form is there besides, you know porn? It's really something and people really have access to you. It's awkward and it's gonna be awkward tonight We're going to a concert. I have you ever been to a concert. It feels weird. I don't know what to do

I'm gonna hide in the back. Well, you gotta change your shoes first and foremost. Oh, yeah, well, it's a Brooklyn it's in Brooklyn heels. I feel like you'll fit in But I'm excited but that's what happens now a lot of these general admission shows you get Tuesdays They come up and then they kind of stand next to you right and you're like, you know playing air guitar And they're like, oh, you're going air guitar. That's interesting. Yeah Yeah, I like to air guitar and they blog about it. I saw Joe. We did air guitar. Yeah, it's a little interesting Yeah, I see All right. Well, maybe we can find a nook a corner a shadow to hide in yeah, that might be a bit nice. All right

All right. Well, that's dashes. Where are you gonna be? We should put a soul drill. Oh soul Joel's this Next Tuesday eight days from now or seven days from now. I should say seven days from now Soul Joel's it will sell out. So get your tickets book your tickets. I think it's already like three quarters sold Yeah, I'm under the tent. Is that right? Yes, and we got huge guests Sean Patton and Shane Gillis big Whales, yeah big fat guests. It's gonna be something and then November is a huge month. Obviously skankfest. We're doing a live Tuesdays. What day was it a Thursday? Oh Thursday? Yeah Oh, that's better locked in great. It's locked Jerry

Skankfest that's already sold out. You can't come to that unless you already have tickets November 11 to the 13th Portland Helium November 18th was a 20th Zany Chicago November 25th and 26 or maybe 26 27th. I think yeah 26 27 Providence comedy connection That's like a hometown gig and then December 7th. You guys already sold out the first show. That's my special taping So you got to come to the 10 p.m. Show at the Village Underground That's on sale at the comedy seller comm you can make a reservation you make a reservation and That's a tell oh, right, right. Jay is in jihadist one way Oh, no one way inside joke and then please subscribe to my YouTube the special is probably gonna be on my YouTube

I need some subscribers over there So go over to Joe list is a bunch of old fun shit Joe and Ron on's on there subscribe for the love of fucking Pete That's it. You got that right and yeah support Joe go subscribe because all the hot shit's going to YouTube I mean Gillis is out there now and stop roses got one cooking. I think Ron Staping yeah, yeah all kinds of killers going to the tubes We also have one on there already each and I'm at dr. Grins in Grand Rapids, Michigan Portland Helium Laugh Boston

Brea California at the Improv Vancouver British Columbia at the house of comedy New Orleans at the howlin wolf hometown hero Royal Oak, Michigan back in the Mish Atlanta Buckhead Theater Milwaukee Improv All kinds of fun dates by the way I do a show every Wednesday in Manhattan at a New York comedy club and a show every Tuesday in the comedy seller fat black Pussycat on Tuesdays at 1030 just if you live in the city Come on out check us out get on the patreon. We got a new hot gay sets up Thanks to Chuck D on the ones and eights and Yeah, say hello. We fit up tell a friend

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