Tuesdays with Stories! - #424 Swoop In

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

Sheesh, it's another hot ep this week as Joe helps a bystander after a big slip and fall while Mark does yoga with Ari Shaffir before they both see a Band of Horses concert. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Better Help (betterhelp.com/tuesdays), Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), & Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey folks Tuesdays with stories as always is brought to you by Sheath Underwear. It is our favorite. Look at those black and blues. Those are nice. We love Sheath so much. The reason we love it. I mean I don't even know how to start. First of all they're silky smooth underwear. They're so dog god damn comfortable. They're nice to the touch. My lady's got a sports bra and some little booty short things they sent us. I got a bunch of pair. They separate your dick and balls. It feels so nice to pull your dick out of that thing. It's wonderful. It's very sexy and we love our buddy Robert Patton. He's going to be at Skankfest by the way. I've never met him. I can't even imagine what he looks like. He's a huge dick. Rugged. Rugged hunk. The idea for Sheath came from its

founder US Army soldier Robert Patton during the second tour in Iraq. Support this awesome veteran owned company whose founder is a Tuesday and a big comedy fan. Tell them how Marcus go to sheathunderwear.com and order with promo code Tuesdays to get 20% off your first order and Sheath underwear is 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com promo code Tuesdays. Get Sheath underwear and let them support your cojones. Hey Mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah. This is Tuesdays with stories everybody. No that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey folks. Here we are. It's Tuesday. We're here. We're on a leather couch. I got white shoes. You got red. And I got a skid mark in my undies. Yep. We almost touched the thing. You know this is big. Chris Allen gave me a lot of shit. This is a bad thing in the black community. I got Jordan Sox and New Balance sneakers. You can't mix and match if you're in African America. Two different brands. Although they mixed and matched African America. So hyphenated. What about a mixed guy, a mixed race. That's biracial. Oh I thought it was swirl. But yeah Nike with New Balance. That's you're out of the club. They're going to be like oh shit. Look at this piece of shit or whatever.

What's it. I mean I got Levi's and Adidas. Well that's New Balance shirt. That's not foot. That's legs and that's foot. This is foot and foot. Same of body part. Yes exactly. All right. I think legs and hands you can go different. You're going to wear isotonic gloves and wrangler jeans. That's fine. Got it. Okay. You can't wear isotonic gloves with you know. Got it. Well I've got a Liz Claiborne undies that I always with wings. Always. Isn't it always. No it's depends. Oh it depends. But I'm talking about a maxi pad. Isn't it always. Oh is that always. Maybe it is. Is there blood on it. Always. Oh yeah. It has a little dove in a dove. Or is that a dove chocolate. That's in my other underwear. No dove bar.

Has the bird on it. And that's soap. Of course. But there's a dove chocolate bar. Yeah. Is that the same company. That's confusing. It's got to be the same company because then they would sue you can't have dove and dove. Well David off. It's like clean my ass with the bar. It looks like the chocolate but either way we got to we got to get a patent going or a lawsuit cooking. What is class action. Here about that. Sean Patton. Class action lawsuit. Yes. Class action lawsuit. Yeah. Class action. I don't know. Is that a school shooter. I got to sue the shooter. That's some action for sure. Class action. Yeah I don't know what class action is. I just know class action lost. I mean there's so many

terms you hear that you have no idea. No idea. And I go with I go that should be a class action lawsuit against these speed bumps. But I don't know what I'm talking about. People also use felony a lot in comedy. Yeah it's a felony. And you're like well yeah it's rape. I mean it's like it is a felony but it's even more than that. But I think felony is just a funny word. Yeah felonies better. Look at this. Oh there you go. You tried to set up our own lighting. I feel like everyone's gonna hate us. Don't blame it on Chuck. Chuck how you do it. Chuck's going through it right now. He's moving. He's got some personal problems. He's gone gay finally. Yeah he's had to change bars. So yeah he's he's going through it. Chuck we miss you. He's moving to New York. He's moved to

Staten Island of all places. I love the guy who moves to Staten Island. I've never heard of that. Well a lot of people are doing it now. Sal Chris D. Well they they grew up there or Sal grew up there. Yeah I guess so. Wu Tang Pete Davidson. Jeff Harris. Yeah. Joe's is good. Yeah the other guy. Eddie Pepitone. Chris D. was just telling me. Is he is he Staten Island. Queens. Oh who. Pep. Pepitone. Yes that. Chris D. was just telling me that he moved to Staten Island. He's got a house out there like a nice part of town or whatever. And this cattle of a sudden. I love the string theory with you. Fuck the string. You're going to start it up. Ha. There you go. Go you cunt. It's a horrible hunter or end gatherer. Well gather string I guess. Hunter Biden.

That was my wife's cunt. I'll pull some strings. But Chris D. don't pull that one. Chris Chris D. moved to this nice Staten Island area and I hope I'm not telling stories out of school here. I'm sure he told on his podcast or one of them. So the garbage guy comes and leaves a bag behind. So Chris D. goes hey you left the bag here. The guy goes toss it in throw it in. And Chris goes what do you mean throw it in. He's like it'd be fun. Go ahead grab the thing and throw it in there. That's his job. Chris throws it in. He's like it wasn't that fun. And he's like yeah all right. Yeah. You forgot it. So I thought and the guy goes well you take care of me. I'll take care of you. Some kind of gay code or a mob thing. I think it's like mob. He's shaking them

down. And so Chris asked the neighbor. The neighbor says yeah you got to grease him a little if you want him to take your trash. What. And Chris says well maybe I'll just report him to the city. This is where New York City and the neighbor goes trust me. You don't want to do that. Oh man. This is scary. You know you hear about these Staten Island Guido's and the guineas and the Wops but I thought those days were over. I guess I mean this might just be some Schmuck who wants a few bucks. Maybe he's seen Cruz and Chris or whatever his name is and he knows he's got the cat. I mean this is insane with the cat by the way. The cat is a big fan of yours. I know it ain't mutual but maybe it smells my twat. I don't know. I mean I've been shoving nip in my asshole for fun

on Wednesdays. Well it's paying off finally because he's a fan. Look at that. How cute. What is catnip. It's a it's a plant that just makes him shit blood. They go crazy. They get a boner. They queef. They go whackadoo. But what's the plant. Is that the name of the plant? Nip. Catnip. Really? I think they named it catnip after the cat reaction. So I don't know what it was before that probably some Latin term like pussiest prodraba. That's what they found bin Laden. Yeah. Well they switched it over to catnip and the cats. It's a true story. We bought so like let's see what happens to cat. It was like a like bath salts in Florida. He shot up a gay club. Interesting. Yeah. Well. Good cat. Good time. He's a fan of yours. Don't throw that string again

though because he'll he'll never let it down. But yeah poor Chris D. You'd think a pie's on would help out a fellow Guido. Yeah. I think they just want to get the palms greased or whatever it is. But I don't know. I mean these guys moving to Staten Island. It seems insane to me. It seems the same but Staten Island has some beautiful areas. Really. They don't talk about it. Yeah. There's like country clubs out there. I mean look there's some shit holes. Don't get me wrong. But it's got a couple sections that are just golf courses and pristine. No kidding. And I'm sure you get a you get a little discount because it's you got to take a fucking boat to get there. Well you can drive. You're right on the Verrazano or whatever. He said it takes

me half an hour to get to the cellar. Oh he's a good hack. Nice to see Chris D. He's one of those guys you see and you're like let me just sit right here and have a few laughs. Great. Great. I'm trying to get him hooked up with my management but he doesn't want to give up that 10 percent though. Well that 10 percent is it adds up. It certainly does. I mean it's a lot. 10 percent. It's 10 percent and I don't want to get into this. Well you shoot some for 100 grand. You got to give him 10 grand. I know. I'm out of money. $10,000 for what would you do. I did the jokes and the zingers and the delivery. I think it's a dying breed a lost art or whatever. It feels like it. And but I this is the people. What are we doing here. But now let's talk more after you

dumped water out on the table for the cat for my homies. The way the light is hitting it. It looks like gizmo. It looks like a big load. Yeah. It looks like a Lewinsky right on the table there. But I swear to God it's just water. You could put your foot in it. If it sticks it's come. All right. That's the old Native American adage. Yes. No stick. All right. All right. No stick come. That sounds like a product. Oh I like that. Could use that in the hotel room because I'm really ruining the drapes. What is it that makes one jizz shoot further than another. I think it's a build up. If you jerk it and then jerk it right after you're going to get a dribble factory right like the NBA. But if you hold it in and really save it up and just get all

keyed up with horniness it's going to shoot across the room. But I do find the sexier the sex the further it shoots. Yes. Yes. So it's like because if my wife you know wears blackface and sticks a pump in my ass it really shoots up over my eye. Oh yeah. But if she's wearing a hoodie and a pair of Nike's it's just nothing. No nothing. Jesus that scared me. I got the light was in my eye. Oh yeah. Sit down. Maybe I got too much water on Pride Rock here but take a breather. Will you Nicholas. We're all trying to hang out to a pod here in the cat. It's too rambunctious. It scared the fuck out of me that time. But what was I going to say. Don't you wish there was a product that you could stick into a woman's vagina that gives you the measurements like I

watched baseball now and they immediately go the launch angle was 85 degrees. It left the bat at 110 miles an hour and it traveled 440 feet. It's so exciting. I wish the loads when you jerk off obviously you see where the load goes. Yeah. But don't you wish when you have sex in her. Don't you wish you could get the stats on what the load is. Oh the load. No idea where that went. Yes. Exactly the load down. Yes. It just you come in here and you go that was moving at 48 miles an hour. It would have traveled 16 feet and whatever it tasted like chocolate. This is a great idea. And I mean we got the math. We got the technology at least do it in porn. Try it. They never try anything. Try it. You know you got that. You know that thing where the dog

runs and it jumps into the lake when it catches the stick. Oh yeah. We can measure that. We can't measure semen. That's what I'm saying. So it should be like a little thing like the size of like a buffalo head. This is big. Yes. You shove it up the twat and then you jizz in it and then you pull the coin out and you go look at that. You hit right in the eye. I love it. I love it. I mean what if you just put up a big big screen like you know those golfer guys and it's just all those screens. Yeah. You hit it and then they go there's no ball but they know what happened. It's the same with the semen. Put that screen in the vagina and we'll get a read out. This could be something. I love it. My neighbor my parents neighbor has one of those golf things and you

just want to get the invite. I feel like Wilson. I'm just peeking over the top going. Hey what do you got there. Five head. Right. You know or whatever. Iron. Yeah. A golf simulator. How about a how about a stimulator. That's the jizz one. Oh I see. That's something. I like this idea because you want to know what's cooking. My gal I think she's faking it but she'll be like oh I can feel it. I can feel you jizzing. I'm like I don't think you can. No I think they feel it gets wetter. I think it turns them on a lot. Yeah well that's the biology kicking in going hey this is a baby being sucked up into me bitch scoop it in. Yes so you're putting the batter in the in the oven where it's meant to go because sex is a real trick when you think about it better up the whole thing

is just trying to make a baby. That's what your body thinks and we're going we're tricking you. We're not actually going to make about wearing a condom. I'm pulling out. I'm jizzing in her eye but the body doesn't know that and thank God it doesn't. Right. Boy it's all a lot of fun. I love jizz. We talk about it a lot but we're lovers of jizz folks. It's it's life fluid. It's great. Yeah yeah it's not good in a sock. It really hardens it up but it's a it's a good good product and we need each other. We need the ovary. You need the the jism. Yeah certainly and it's fun at a party. I read I'm reading that sapiens book which is a required reading for anyone with a dick. Oh but it talks about how it all comes back to nature and biology and and

nanomalistic primal wiring. That's why when you got a bunch of sweets you just want to eat the whole ice cream tub because back of the day was so rare to find sweet or anything tasty or good that you would just eat it all because you might get mauled by a bear in the process of eating it interesting. Or you might never see it again. Yeah you eat your container. Yeah so we sit there and we go man I'm a fat cunt. I can't I got no willpower but no it's just because you're wiring you want to eat it all because you might die tomorrow. Yeah exactly so you might as well and you might die tomorrow. That's true. Probably not. Yeah probably not and you can just go buy another one at the store or go on Amazon and get the briars right into your face. I think I do a good

typing on an apple computer. What do you think of this? Oh that's pretty good. That triggers me because you know what that makes me think of are those cum guzzled Nazis at the Delta desk who go let me just check and you go what are you doing back there? It's three buttons. I wish I could always see the screen. What's the screen look like? They don't let you see the screen. No screen see. Let me see the screen. I think they're fake. I think it's a lot of that just nothing happening. It's the same with the hotels you try to check in you go hey Mark Norman they go let me see your ID okay incidentals just checking on any rooms available and it's never like

you know it's always a lot. Yes extra typing. Extra typing I don't buy it. By the way new curb starts tonight. Is that right? Yeah that's right. The audition. Oh I had something to add a second ago. What are we talking about? Now before the typing. Gisulator, stimulator. Now it was after that. Xeben, clam, labia, clit, the G-spot. That's a mess. Wait hold on what do we say? Cum, giz. Golf, typing. I think I do a good typing. There's something in between. Oh Amazon briars the sweets the sweets. Oh the sweets okay must have been that the ice cream. Yes yes it's a primal he goes back to the monkey days where you found a grapefruit and you had the whole thing right in front of you the tiger was going to eat your ass. It was going to be a good

topic. Oh it's going to be a debatable conversational topic. Topical cream. Evolution. Oh that's the myth fuck. Oh let's see. Oh this is it. There we go we got it. It's not as great as I thought. How many Tuesdays do you think have died in the time we've been doing this podcast? A handful at least just statistically. You think? I mean I know of two. Norm? What three? Wow Norm loved the thing. How about that? Didn't that fun? I was sending you some messages. Yes. He loved it. He loved Tuesdays. Love the show. Norm MacDonald listened to Tuesdays with stories. I don't know if he caught every up but I think he knew about it. I think he caught a couple apps and he died. Good company folks. And there was What's His Toes. Newman died. Who is the

comedian? I think he was from Houston. Sarah knew him. He came up with Humble Bragg. What's his name? Yeah he's good. He's funny. Funny guy. Died addict. He wrote on a couple things. That's 30 rock maybe. I'll think of it. Hugh. A Jui guy. Herzog. No no no. I'll think of it. I'll think of it. Oh he's good. Somebody's yelling it at the radio. I know. Hey guys what do you have cancer? No he was an addict. He OD. Oh he OD. His name was a fuck. I'll think of it. I feel bad not thinking of this. Steve Smith. Steve. No. No Steve. Not a Steve. Stefan. Wolf. Ah fuck. People are shouting it. Oh god. And then there was our doctor. The pediatrician. Dr. J. Dr. J. Sute. Yeah. There's three. A couple of smart cats. I mean we got Norm the funniest guy on the planet.

We got this writer cat. We can't think of his name. And then we got a goddamn MD. I think it's an H. It starts with an H. There's an H in there. Halbrook. Hugh Millen. Hart. Hartzuck. Harry. Harry. There was something Harry. Miles. Hiles. Styles. Harry Styles. No it's who's lying. It's Hiles. Oh I almost said it. Hile Hitler. Fuck. Shit. I don't know. It's an H. It's an H and it's Henry. Hiles or Miles or Styles. Miles Teller. No he's an actor. Henry Hills. There's an H involved. I think it's a Herzog. No it ain't a Herzog. It's no Herzog. I'm thinking H and I'm thinking Hebe. Oh I gotta pull it. I almost said it. I almost. All right it's on the tip of your dick. It really is. Look come up with it but yeah. Oh no Whittles. Harris Whittles. Harris Whittles. Harris Whittles.

Yes. Funny guy. Nice guy. Yeah he was a Tuesday so there's three games. He was a Tuesday. Big Tuesday. What. Yes. I thought of that guy. I put that guy on a mountain. He was a smart clever cookie kid. Well we're smart and clever. We just say jizz a lot. All right I'll take it. The cat is blocking the light. You're blocking the light. Puss. Move it. The light might be terrible. I can't tell. I'm giving you devils. Mark of the beast. How about the people that believe in the devil. I saw a guy the other day. He had like three balloons that spelled out 666. He was all tattooed and had earrings and he was like listening to you know some shit. It's embarrassing. Like you believe in the devil and you're showing it through balloons. It's very weird to be into

balloons and the devil. That's true. Yeah. Would you go to party city by all the sixes. He's like give me three sixes. I want to let people know. I worship the devil Satan. Well we make fun of the nerd who's got the book bag on. He goes door to door the Mormon guy. You know. Oh look at this nerd. I'm like well the devil guy is just as nerdy. He just believes another thing. It's even sillier too because God it's like it helps everything. You're like how could this all be created. It's miraculous. Yeah. The devil like he's sitting in the crust of the earth with fire. He's got a tail. He's just hanging out with gays all day really. It's just bunch of homos down there burning and the horns. Is it the plastic. Well those are

Jews. Is it the the headband thing or they grow out real. I think they're real or I think he's got a tail. He's got a hoof. And the Foo Man shoe thing. Yeah. Yeah. Not sure what that's about. Is he all red. And a pitchfork. Like do you still need the pitchfork. Get an iPhone. Yeah or a gun. Gun. He could be shooting people. Yes. Good point. It goes back to my point why I never understood why a superhero villains never were insulting. Super villains. Thank you. Super villains. You know you got your Lex Luthor. You got your Magneto. You got your Joker. You think Joker would call Batman a fag. Yeah. You're already evil. Why not use evil language. Yeah. Word. Well I think the thing is the program is for the kids. That's the issue. Good point.

You know. Good point. But yeah I mean Black Panther. They'd be throwing all kinds of why not. You think they'd be like hey you're already trying to ruin the world. He might as well throw an n bomb out at the Black Panther. I'm sure at the meeting before they go and steal the diamond or whatever they're like. And what if you know what shows up. Oh God that's son of a bitch. There's your cartoon. You know people always say hey we got superheroes but they're gritty now. Not enough. I want slurs with the villains. No they're shitty. Even the Joker is stabbing people in the eye with a pencil. I want to watch the world burn. You're not going to throw out an n word. Right. And that was you know that was dark. But by the way Joker I enjoyed

Joker but why can't he he's just bending his shoulders a bunch. He's like oh look at look at my shoulders. I thought it was pretty good. It was good but I'm like the movements were strange. Oh look at it. I'm a Joker. Look at my shoulder blades. I'm like all right I get it. And there was a lot of rib. He showed his ribs a lot. That's what I mean. He's just ribs and shoulders. Oh it's so brave powerful whatever. Sure. Sure. It was an odd film that Joker. I liked it but it was it was odd. It was fun. We've gone so far out of whack with Batman. I like old Batman when he's he's got shark repellent and he's in a cool car and he's got the gay friend and he's just a regular guy with a blue cape and now it's like I'm angry. My dad's dead. Yeah.

I don't I guess you got to go that route to make it more cinematic. I like the bigger ears though. Yeah. The tiny ears. It's a little silly. Yeah. I think it was supposed to be so married punch about to go pow. Zang zoom. Yeah. It's fun. I thought it was more fun. Yeah. James Bond to James Bond was a fun guy. You know he got he got tied up. He was fucking ladies and now I feel like he's pissed. Ban it. Ban it. I got a couple stories. Please. Please. So the other day tell me what you think of this. I think you're going to be with me on this usually with me. I appreciate it. I try to be with love the one you with. So I'm walking up right up the block here a couple block and I don't want to be too specific but I'm walking up a street that's near here. Drive back on my way to the

comedy dome up on the Upper East Side. Yes. New club. So I'm walking like this and I see an old lady coming and this is not a city for old people. No city. 60. It's just be see you later. Head to Florida or Jersey or Long Island. Wherever the fuck. I assume those are those country diehards like I'm staying. The kids like mom please you're 74. Let me put you in the in the Long Island house or whatever and then I'm staying. Yeah. All right. It's not for the old when the wind blows right through. It's no place for the old but I'm walking country and this lady falls flat on her face. She looked like an old like probably mid 60s just on one of the greats and it's all greats and pipes everywhere. Not great. She trips is goes boom when you watch it happen you go. Oh god. You hate to see

it. So I crossed the street went to the show and I think she's dead. All right. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I have a funeral. You know me. I'm a good Sam Samaritan. Sure. Marillian. So I go up and I go. Oh my god. I got a spring into action here. I'm a man. So I go over and I say Missy are you okay. You're all right. She goes oh I think I think so. Wow. She's all dinged up. She's wearing a mask outside which is a little silly. Sure. And I go. Yeah. You want me to call somebody. Just just take take your time getting up. Just don't move too suddenly or anything because yeah greater bones are all broken. And I see the blood slowly soaking through her mask. Oh wow. She's like am I okay. And I'm like you look great. Don't worry about it first. She hit her face.

I might have got some hands down. It was just a sudden bang. And so I'm crouched down like you know Rich Gedmond in Game 6. Sure. I'm throwing down some signs and I say are you okay. Just just go slow. I'm like you want to call somebody. I can call your little dinged up there and she pulls down her mask and I go yeah you got a scrape on your nose. It's not too bad. And then some other fellow swoops in the swooping. This is your collar. He swoops in. I'm here. I got her. I'm a hero for God's sake. Get out of here. This guy cucks me. He cucks right in line. He goes hey ma'am are you all right. Your face is bleeding there. He pulls out like some napkins. He goes here hold these to your face. You want to help up. I would have given my sweatshirt. Yeah.

You had the naps ready. I want to be oh we're blinking. The camera's blinking right in the middle of the story. Ah shit. So he's got the napkins. I would have given my shirt. I want to be a shirt off my back. Yes. Don't you want to be a shirt off your back. Give me the shirt off his back. Not only are you showing some skin but you're helping. Yeah and why is it back. It's on the front too. That's true. Sure on your back really. Yeah good point. Good point. It's all over. I guess because you got someone's back. The back is the I don't know it's more metaphoric. Don't turn your back. Plus there's no nips back there. Backdraft. The nips ruin things. I guess so. Or they make things if you're a baby lover. Sure. Yeah. But anyways the guy fucking cuts in. I'm

like this is my save. Go find your own damn old lady with a broken nose that nobody cares about. Yes. And not to mention now she's got to do. She already did the I'm OK with you. Yeah I'm fine. Now he's going to go you OK. Yes I'm OK. Another guy you OK. Yes I'm OK. Like who's this for me are you. And then he goes let me help you up and she's like thank you so much and he puts his arm out. She's got the arm and he like pulls her up and then she kind of like falls he's like whoa and he catches her like that romantic movie. They're fucking my god. Hey and she's like I think I'm OK and he's like I think you're all right and I'm just standing over here. I felt so cocked. You got cocked. I'm like this is my lady. Man he really intercepted your your wounded dove there.

I know and I wanted to be that guy. I wanted to fix her wig and wipe the lipstick off her face and and he did it and he sees her off and he goes boy that was crazy huh. And you know that Joe blows not you the other blow. He's going to go downtown to his lady and go yeah help some old bag off a great today. You know busy busy life out here. I'm like I was like first god damn it. And then he walks away and he had like a long jacket. He was like quaff and he walked like Batman and he's all like I'm off to the next woman. I was like fuck you. Fuck your parents who you got raised improperly. If somebody's helping an old lady you don't swoop in. I'm sorry. No swoop. You think you're a hero. You're stealing swoops. I mean this guy sucks. I don't want to tell you

what he looked like. He was just a gothy dude. The gothy and this lady is probably telling her friend luckily a handsome man swooped in and helped me up. Get out of here. It was a first I woke up. I saw a huge forehead and then I came to and what turned out it was a handsome guy. No I hated. I wasn't handsome. Well maybe he was. I don't know. I can be a hero baby. I just I hated that guy. I was like I'm here. I got I got her. Yeah that is tough. You turn around for a sip of tang. He jumps off the moon. Although I have to say I don't want to be there. I don't like touching. I don't want to help anyone up. They touch you. I don't want my hands on somebody but it's an old lady. I know but she's all they're all mushy and weird. They got that soft back. I hate a soft back.

I like a hard back. And then they always have like extra things back there. It's like a bra. A back brace. It's thick. Yeah. It's like a weird. It's like Mrs. Doubtfire. Yeah it's no good. It's no good. But that does suck. You want to be the hero. You want to save. How about this though whenever when you saw her go down and you ran in first was there a party like hope everybody's seeing this me helping this old bag of bones here with the bloody nose. You hope a woman a preferably a woman. I mean if you know if Tim Dillon walks by I'm not like hey Tim look at that whatever maybe TMZ could go hey we got a guy with weird teeth helping a lady here. Yeah that would be nice. I'd love to be the weird teeth TMZ guy but you would be that that's a

credit now. That would do better than a tonight show. It would be something you'd like to have something. We'll set something up. Hey that's pretty good. We'll get a retarded kid. I'll push him. You save. I know I think it might work but I mean I just I think they actually did that on curb didn't they. Maybe maybe. But don't you love. I want to do the thing where I squat down and you push. They fall right over. That works like a charm. They did do it with Steve Coogan. Remember as he was trying to get back with Cheryl. But either way yeah you kind of hope someone will say like you want it to be one of these comics who maybe doesn't care for us. Yes. Yes. Just helping an old lady. Exactly. Don't worry. You think we're such bad guys can

we say you know horrible words but the proof is in the pudding. Yes exactly. And this guy's putting his dick in this old bag who broker knows but probably nasty fall. You're just like just move away. Don't you have a grandson who can fund you some cash. You probably save money if you moved to like Nebraska. True. Yeah. Go to Westchester Jersey lady get a lawn and a car and a sofa. Get along little doggy. So I had a lady. You could tell she was an Italian immigrant and she was an older gal and her her daughters or her sisters were up on the top of the subway stairs. They were going come on. Whatever the Italian like a me amici a bento or whatever. And she was like he and she had this giant suitcase huge bigger than her. So I go move it.

You dirty wop and I grab this the luggage and I hook it up the stairs and the little girls up there going you know and nobody saw. I said they said thank you and you walk away. It feels good to just walk away. I did my good deed and I'm not asking for money. No Venmo no PayPal just you don't know. You know I did once and I got a couple a couple of things. I was at Harold Square 34th Street here and I walked a lady's suitcase that is a while ago. Same deal the big old suitcase you like when you lug it up the thing. Sure. And then you get there and you go all right take care and then you realize she's leaving and there's another full flight of stairs and you're like you got to find somebody else for that one. I'm not sitting here going through the

gate and doing a second flight of stairs. Yeah. Yeah. I'll do one but not two. But today I had it ironically on the way here at Harold Square again going down the stairs and I blew right by her. I was like somebody will help her. Yeah. I had the thought I'm like I should help because it was the same thing the giant I'm moving to New York City suitcase right but I had to get here. I wanted to get a smoothie before the show. We've all had that too where you like all right I would help you sister Hazel but the clock's ticking so I know I know what you mean so but somebody'll jump in. Somebody's gonna help. Yeah I mean somebody jumped in on your broad. People love to help. It helps helping people makes you happy. Whatever. Sure. But that was

something and then in the way here I had something happen. I've never seen this happen in my whole life. Maybe you've seen it. You've seen a lot. Put it in my ass. I'm on the subway back to Harold Square again. I take the D train to West 4th Street here in Manhattan to get down to this area. Oh I love a big orange D. Oh yeah. Vainy. So Trump. So I get on the train. I take it all way down to West 4th and then you hear on the train because that's an express it goes 30 whatever that I can't do the horn train horn. Oh I thought it was a phone vibrating on a table. No I'm not great with the sounds of it. It's the horn. Yeah it's kind of like that. Yeah it's not pretty. So it's doing that but that makes me nervous because I'm like someone's in the track. It's

not normal. There's normally not a honk. Yeah from going 34th to 4th. Usually the honk means get out of the way. We're coming. Yeah you're going to get hit by a train. So I'm like shit is somebody in there and of course your brain just goes haywire. Well it's a homeless guy. What if we kill someone. We're gonna be stuck under there. Yep. So it slows all the way to a stop and then it sucks getting stuck in there because you get no reception. Yes. Then you can't be like I'm running late or anything. She's just sitting there and I just picture you pacing being like where is he. He's dead. I'm sitting here with the cat. So the train stops and I'm in the front car. I like the front car and the conductor pops out. I like the conductor seat. So I'm like

well this is weird. Then he tells a guy to move. He's like moves the guy out of the seat and there's like an ad but there's a secret compartment. He opens the ad like a MacGyver situation pulls the switch and the doors open and we're like it's pitch black. We're in the middle of the tunnel and like seven construction guys. Thanks Henry. All right. Hey all right. How are you doing Hank. And all these construction guys get on. So they must have been working on the tracks and flagged them down. Wow. And they just got on. They felt that we were all like wow this is like a magic trick a little behind the scenes. Pretty cool. The village people just hopped on closed the doors and we kept going. They got a lift home. At least it was quick. You

know that seems to take eight hours when they do shit like that. It's nice that they got in and got out. It was pretty fun. It was cool to know. But now I'm like I found the secret compartment. I know how to open that door. I know but I think you need a weird little dick key. Like a submarine. Yes. Turn the keys. Yeah the subway is a weird weird little place down there. You ever see you ever stop on the subway and you just see a door in a in a in a tube like there's a you're in the tunnel and you look out the window and you just whizz by the door and then you kind of see in and there's people working in there. It's very bizarre. You see like ninjas and working out. Yes. Mole people. They say they run over about I don't know like 20 people a year down there.

Really. Yeah. Give it a go. There's a number. They say that's the hardest part about being an MTA guys because you just you just see like a flash of a lady like and then they're gone and then you just they're just under there just getting mangled and ripped apart and then you just got to go to your next place. Yeah. What can you do. I guess people kept ringing the bell. You're Batman. Do you ever have you ever like get meditative on the subway where you're like you're like sitting there and you're like I'm underground right now. Just being shot to like a different part of the world. It's fascinating. It is. You get so frustrated with the subway here and there. It's delayed or whatever. And sometimes you just take

it. What's that word. Blase cathartic where you become you don't recognize it anymore. You become immune. Not immune. It's not bad. You become blank. But you become take it for granted. There you go. Also you take it for granted. You become become it normalized. Yeah. Something caramelized. I don't know. You take it for granted. You just go on the subway. Like here's my three bucks whatever you sit down. But you're like I'm sitting and reading and just right underneath the ground. I go from my house in Queens to your house in the village. Yep. People and like a half an hour. Yeah. And there's people above you walking around. They don't even know it. They don't know it. You don't know it. And you're on there with a select group too. There's some weird

focus group on the train of a goth chick a hobo and a wigger and Bob you're all going to be in the same place. We're under the world. It's great. Someone dug it all out and laid down the tracks and you really shoot. It's wild. It's true. And it's funny how people are like we got to go to New York and have a hot dog and ride the Ferris wheel and see the Liberty. I'm like get on the subway. Yeah. So that's an attraction. It is quite the attraction and there's some attractive people on there rules of attraction. Yeah. So get on that subway and you got to admit. I mean it's always off kilter and off schedule. But if you really look at that map, you go boy, this is really well thought out. Oh, it's unbelievable. It's really awesome. I watched

the taking of one, two, three the other day. It's just quite a film classic. The old one. So fun. Yeah. I didn't watch that other one. Yeah. The other one stinks. The old ones. It's a classic. It's a killer movie. You know, Hannibal said when he moved here, he was so broke he would sleep on the subway. Just get on the train at night and just Wow. Five hours in up and down the Coney Island up to Queens and back. That sounds a little made up. I mean, what was it the first day? I mean, because you had to have an apartment. He was homeless. Well, he was suitcase with them. He said he was plowing a lady and he was sleeping at her place when he could. And then he had a

gym membership. So he would shower there and then sleep on the train. So where's all the stuff at the girls house? I guess I guess he threw a bag over there. But I think I think he had all his clothes in a suitcase or a book bag or something. It seems a little fishy. A little fishy. But who knows where the hell he is now? He was a funny guy. Yeah. What's he up to? I already moved to Hawaii and now he teaches karate or something. No kid. I always want to be one of those guys that drops out, you know. Yeah. Long beard. And I swim with coconuts or whatever you do with coconuts. Sure. And then people, they find you and you're on HBO sports and you go, Oh yeah, I sell weed now.

I make my own shoes that are, you know, pepperonis or whatever. That is pretty good. And then it's like the movies where they go, uh, we got a surprise show. We need you back. And you know, I can't, I gave it up and you throw your, your hammer at them because you're in a wood shop making something and they're like, we got to get them. And then they capture your daughter. They bring her to the show. And then you're like, all right, I'll do my hot 10. If I get my girl back. And then it cuts you a Carnegie Hall and you're just eating it because you haven't done a set in three years. And you're just using the wrong language. Everyone hates you. That was a big trope in the 80s movies. Like he was the bad, he was a Marine. He was a green

beret. We got to get them in there. Like they don't have a thousand other guys who could do just as good. He was a marksman. He knew kung fu. He was a great guy. Get him in there. And he's like, I don't, I gave it up. It's funny. You're mark. It's marksman. We did a marksman. There's no Joe's man. He got a Heisman. Joe Heisman, right? Joe, Joe, name of these Joe. Wait, Joe Thiesman. Hold on. Thiesman. Thiesman. Joe Thiesman. But his name was originally Thiesman, but they changed it to rhyme with Heisman. What? Yeah. Oh, wait, wait. So Heisman was first. Heisman is a trophy. But when Joe Thiesman was in, yes, I don't know, Bill Heisman. Yeah. And when Joe Thiesman was in college, his name was Thiesman. They're like,

Joe Thiesman. What's up, Joey Thies? But then he was going to use a big star. They said he could win the Heisman. So we changed it to Thiesman. So it would rhyme with Heisman. What? Yeah. Kind of like vote for, you know, Como, not the homo. Right. It was like a slogan. And so they changed his pronunciation of his name. And it just stuck. It stuck. It kept it. And then Lawrence Taylor broke his leg. And then there's Heimlich. Yeah. That's a maneuver. Yeah. Named after a guy. Hell of a maneuver. One of the best maneuvers. Great maneuver. What's another maneuver? That's not the maneuvers. What's the famous one, though? Heimlich maneuver? That might be the only famous maneuver. But I think there's maneuvers in a plane,

like you do the Thompson maneuver and it flips upside down or something. I mean, there's plenty of maneuvers, but that's the maneuver. That is the maneuver. The Heimlich maneuver. Yeah. What about a woman over? Feels a little sexist. I had a woman over driver. I go lift terrible. Hey folks, Tuesdays with stories is sponsored by better help online therapy. Going to therapy is routine maintenance for your mind. We get oil changes for our cars to prevent bigger issues down the road. We see the doctor and go to the gym to take care of our bodies to prevent injury and disease. And we do chores regularly to avoid a messy house. Therapy is the same exact thing, but for your mental health, I go to therapy. I love it. I went

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low point of the show. That was on the edge of my ass on Joe'sman. All right. Well, I wanted to talk about band of horses. Did we cover that? Oh, we haven't covered that. Yeah. That was really fun. That was really something. That was a magical evening. Special night. We're sitting here. Would we go to Chipotle? Oh, it was like a date night. It was nice. It was beautiful. The wind was blowing. It was a perfect night. It was crisp, autumn air. It was like 60 degrees. We go get Chipotle. We blow each other. We do a pod. And then you're like, hey, we're going to band of horses. I got tickets. Sorry, the honking. I think they can't hear it. Remember they talked about this? They can't hear it. They can't see anything. They don't know what we're

talking about. All right, honky. So then we go to band of horses. We go out to Brooklyn like a couple of men who love each other. Buddies. Huh? Buddies. And then we walk into this really intimate showing of the band of horses, which is a large band. Yeah. You missed the part of it, though. Please. Well, I thought it was Brooklyn Steel or Brooklyn Made. We went to the wrong place. Wrong venue. Yeah. Remember? Yeah. It felt very 90s. We're at the, we're here. I'm outside. We're talking to Cantor. He's like, I don't see you. We don't see you. And we're like, he's fucking crazy. He must be drunk. It's funny how quickly you blame the other guy. Right. Well, it's very similar venue names. Yeah. Brooklyn Steel, Brooklyn Made. And they were a

pile away. Made of steel. Yeah. And they're very close to each other. Similar looking venues, by the way. Sure. Similar looking street area, the whole thing. But it was so fun. It was like a date night. Yeah. You had a little dinner, a nice podcast. You got the lift. It's very exciting. Very exciting. And I'm not a big band guy. I don't really go see music. I don't really do anything, honestly. And that was a hell of a way to see a band. I mean, it was standing rolling. Was it 300 people in there? Maybe. I think they claimed five, but maybe it was more like three. I can never tell. Felt three-ish. I can't tell either. And we were standing up. We had a couple of beers. We danced. We had some pals there. Cantor brought a couple of gaggles

of ladies. And we danced the night away. And then we went home. Yeah. Some beautiful, beautiful dames. And by the way, the group we were with, a little more cock than I realized. You know, it was weird. A little banged up. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You don't realize because we showed up right before the show because we're cool. And then we just got a nice spot. I love being tall. I am jealous. You just look right over everybody. We stood side of the stage. That was fun. Full house. And then we had Cantor and his get his name and then a couple of friends of mine that I've known for years, the friends of his or friends of mine. But it's that weird thing. We're after the show. We're all sitting there being goofs and they're acting wild. And then you go,

yeah, we're going to go to this. That was fun. I'll see you later. And then the next day I see Cantor and he's like, what happened to you guys last night? Where did you go after the show? Right. And I'm like, have you gone mental? We hung out. Oh, we had a big goodbye. We hugged. We said goodbye. We made plans. I didn't know they were that hammer. He was like, what? And I'm like, yeah, we were there. We say goodbye to you. I took a lift home. Remember that? Yeah. See, sometimes I wonder because when you're so I had like two beers, I wasn't feeling it at all. But like, when you get out, oh, the cat knocked over the lamp. You fucking gunt. That's gonna change the lighting. Weirdo lighting. That's all right. So when you get out of there and you're

not drunk and they are, you're like, I gotta go. Oh, of course. Because it's I look, I like drunk people. I get drunk all the time. I'm hung over now. But if you're not all drunk, it ain't the same. No. And here's the thing about drunk folks, because sometimes people are like, oh, you're sober now. I missed when they're drunk. They get and take this. Yeah, a little bit. So we're like, Mr. sober doesn't like the drunk. But I'm like, but I didn't like drugs when I was drunk. I was the worst person on earth when I was drunk. Drunk suck. They don't understand everything. It's all misunderstandings. You're like, I'm gonna get a, I'm gonna use the bathroom. What are you going? You leaving? Now I'm gonna take a piss. You're pissed. Right. Oh, shut up. Yeah, that's

true. There's misunderstandings and everything is way slower. What should we do? You want to get food? He wants to get food. I didn't say I want to go. Oh, he doesn't want food. You're like, God, this is all taking too long. I'm frustrated. I'm leaving. It's infuriating. Everything is louder. Everyone can hear us. And I'm like, everyone hates us. They're like, you're paranoid. You don't know. I'm like, I'm telling you that guy wants to fight us. He's staring at us. I know. I have more sense than you right now. This guy's upset. And then they go, Hey, he thinks you're upset. You want to fuck it? And I'm like, Oh my God. You're right. You're right. It's all the volume. It's just repeated. And then you're like, I already said that. Yes. And you can't leave. It's like,

wait, wait, wait, hold on. No, no, we already went through this. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Nobody wants you to leave when you're drunk and you try to leave. It's sad. Don't go. I need you. It's a lot of repeating. It's brutal. And I was a word. It was always like, let's get hot dogs and throw them at cars. People are like, well, I'm like, don't be a pussy. Yeah. A lot of that. That was most of my childhood as well. Yeah. This was, I was 31, but whatever. Ah, shit. I was 13. It was fun. It was a hell of a show. Great band. And it was really a nice time. We danced. We jumped. We sang. It was great. Beautiful woman there. Yeah. Very attractive. Women dancing. It doesn't get much better than that. I love it. Just to the beat,

moving, body, swaying, wiggling. I love how women can wiggle. They really wiggle. And I love, there was the one woman by her side. I love an independent woman. Doesn't need nobody. She's like, I'm over here having a good old time. You like independent. I love that. I love a woman with a suitcase alone, leaving. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. Get out of my life. And it's fucked me a couple of times because I've had multiple girlfriends that were just like, all right, well, I'm moving to South America. Like the guy you were talking, like Hannibal. Right. Like, I'm going to go live in Bhutan. And you're like, fuck, but I really wanted to marry you. And they're like, yeah, but I'm not that kind of girl. And you're like, the thing that attracts you to them

is the reason they leave. Interesting. Because you like that their sperm of the moment, they fly by the seat of their thong. Yes. And all of a sudden, you know, they're gone. It's like a woman with the bad boy. I love a bad boy. Then he slaps you around a little bit and fucks you're a dad. And you're like, ah, he's so bad. Yeah. That's what fucked me. You play with matches. You get burned or you get bitten. You live with the sting, whatever the thing is. Sure. Yeah. King and the sting. So we see that show. It was a great night. We go home, yada, yada, yuda. Next day, speaking of Jews, Ari gives me a buzz. Oh. And he goes, what do you know about yoga? And I go, I like it with fruit. I tend to stir it. And he goes, no yoga. And I go, oh, yoga.

I never did it. That was a pretty good Ari. I've never done yoga. I'm not against it, but it's not my cup of jizz, whatever. And he goes, I'm shooting these dumb videos. I got Bobby Kelly. I got this guy. They're all horrible at it. So I need another guy who's horrible at it. And I said, well, come on over. We did yoga, my roof for an hour. Fun. It was a blast. I feel bad for shitting on anybody with a yoga mat or a downward anal, whatever it is, but I was zin'd out. I was meditative. I felt free and clear after I get it. Oh, I love yoga. Big yoga guy. As you know, I love a mat. You put that mat in your little bag, your strings, and you walk in there. You want to see women go to a yoga studio. Forget about it. I mean, it's just,

you can't even believe it. I'm like putting my glasses on so I can see these broads. Yeah, well, the yoga pant alone. Then they got their all tight body and a fit and just enough muscles, not too much. Plus it's like 48 to one women to men in there. You got two gay guys, one guy who's like onto it. And then you're like, this is my yoga studio. And then a bunch of women. And then there's usually a few, you know, hefty folks trying to get it together or whatever. I wonder why the ladies like it. I guess because you're not getting ripped. Nobody wants a ripped lady. Sorry, China or whoever the hell is listening. She died. Oh, good. All right. Then don't have to worry about it. But you know, nobody wants a muscular coos. No, some muscles nice. Some muscle.

Yeah. The leg. I like a leg. I like that divider there. I love a divider tone. Yes. I'll take a tone deaf. Don't look. Wow. Tony, Tony, Tony. Oh, we're having fun. Oh, yeah. But yeah, you want a little tone, big tone, but you don't want you don't want, you know, beef. Carl Malone, Carl Matone. Whatever happened to him? I think he's like, I think he's one of these cooks. He doesn't believe in dinosaurs or he's racist or he's a Republican. Something. I know he was controversial for a minute there. He's a flat earth. Maybe people are upset about. Yeah. There's a couple of flat earth NBAs

out there. Kyrie Irving, I believe. There you go. He doesn't like things or whatever. I like flat earthers because a it reminds you that some people are just fucking either crazy or stupid. And at least he's admitting it. Yeah. There's a couple prize. Some other flat earthers are like, I think it's flat, but I tell people around. Right. Yeah, I don't get it. It's weird. I don't understand flat earth. I don't get the idea of it. It's like, no, no, it's flat. What? What? Yeah. I don't even get it. We got proof. We got globes. We got books and they go, eh, seen enough. But why do they even like think about it? I don't understand. I think they, they, a lot of people just think we're, we're, they're being lied to and duped all the time. The duped. So I think that's a, that's a dup

category. Dup, duped, duped, duped, duped, duped, duped, duped. I don't know how the show's not bigger. I know. I think it's the lighting. That could be. But yeah. So we talked about the MTA. I got to run this one by you. Oh, by the way, just the yoga was good. I might do it again. Oh, yoga's fun. Yoga's great. I love yoga. Now, what do I, I give that a goog and I find a place and you pay a hundred bucks and you go on a class and you stretch. Well, you live in New York. I'm in studios everywhere. They got yoga for the people, which I don't really care for them. That's like the cheapo depot, but you can go to a real place somewhere like 20 bucks a class, 25 bucks a class, which is not cheap, but bad. Again, they're very attractive. I like a big room. That's the hot

shit. It's like 115 degrees in there. I'm not ready for that. You really sweat it out. It's nice. Sweatshop. And, but the nice thing is if you don't, if you're not feeling, you can just lay down. That's a pose. Shavasana. Lay down. It's like dead man's pose. You're just laying there. Technically you're in a yoga pose. I think it's an Irish chick I dated. Shavasana. I think it's Indian. Ah, but same thing. There's only nine countries that start with I. Where'd you pull that out of? A popsicle stick? One of my favorite trivias. All right, let's do them. Oh, sorry. You go ahead. Iron Rand. iPhone. Wait, hold on. Indonesia. There you go. Iraq. Yes. I'm already out. India. Yes. All right. All right.

Oh, there's nine, huh? Yep. Illinois, Indiana. Oh, shit. Oh, boy. Well, there's some big ones. Some of them you've been to. I mean, some of the most famous countries. I know. The pressure's getting to me. I got India. That's a big one. Yeah, it's big. But the countries, there's so many goddamn countries. Little dicks, red hair. Ireland. Ireland's one. Okay, good call. I was going brown people. I don't know why. I went straight to the brown areas. Well, is the Jews? You got some brown Jews out there. That's a big one. That's a big one. We're already in a fincky here. Then you got some dark tan folks. Italian. Big food. There you go. Boy, these are big. God, I missed these. I went real brown POC.

There you go. And then you got Indonesia. Big glue. Oh, I think we got a bunch. Iraq, Iran. Oh, I ran. I didn't say Italy. That's six. Six. Shit. We need three whole countries. Well, the toughest one is Ivory Coast. I would have never got that one's the tough one. That's seven. Then you got Rosebud Baker is in one of them right now. If you're following Instagram. I'm not. I'm not. Iceland. Iceland. There you go. I don't even know she was there. Iceland. That's seven eight. We only need one more. You know it. I always know him, but I know I can't think of it. Wait, Indonesia. We got India. We got go pack. Joe's screaming at the TV. I know. I know. I actually did this on my album recording. This is exactly this thing, my special. I don't

miss that. I didn't release it. It was like this. I see. Oh, I see land. Wait, which one are we forgetting? Israel, Italy, Iraq, Iran, Israel. There's got to be one in that weird Indonesia we got. Europe area. Illinois. All right. We got to, we might have to come back to this because I feel like we're, uh, we're going to lose the folks that are screaming at the thing. I know. Japan, China. Eh, is it eh or is an I? Iran, Iraq, and Iran. Oh, fuck. Portugal, Afghanistan, Poland, Turkey, South America, Mexico, Iguana, Ipilito. Maybe there's eight. Oh, shit. No, I think there's nine. What are we forgetting? Hold on. Tell some stories. I'll do some. Look, I'll go to Google Maps. The yoga was fun.

And were you Grand Rapids? Yeah. Yeah. So I wanted to say this. We do this show every week. We bitch and moan about all the travel. I just had a perfect travel day and I have to appreciate it. I have to be grateful for it. Oh, hit me with it. Well, you know, you get your Uber. Uber came right on time. No traffic. Got right to Newark. Newark wasn't bad. It went through clear. By the way, they're doing a thing at Newark. I don't know if the other airports are doing this where, you know, you get your bin, you put your computer in the bin, you put your fucking phone in a bin, whatever it is. I still got to get pre-checked, but put your phone in the bin, you put your wallet in the bin, you put your iPad or your earphones, the whole bin thing, the belt, the keys. Now you go,

bring all your shit to the belt and the guy pulls a bin out for you. Yeah. And I go, I just got like 30 things in my hand and he's like, all right, well, laptop. And I give him the laptop and he goes, all right, put all the other shit in your bag. And I'm like, you want me to put all these trinkets? I got loose chains. I got a wallet. I got a joke book. I got a pen. I'm not putting that shit in my bag. I always throw that in my bag. Really? Yeah. You take my wallet, you throw it all in the bag. But then you got to take it out of the bag. So what's all about taking it out of a bag? I like it in my pocket. You got to take it out of a bin or you got to take it out of a bag. I don't have it in a bag than a bin. The bag is no good because I got to

zip the bag. I got to sit on it and pull the fucking zipper. It pops. I got a dildo popping out one way and a maxi pad on the other side and I'm sitting on it in the airport. I got too much stuff. Too much stuff. You got to travel less. You need that scene from that movie that sucks up in the air. Maybe I'll get, I was thinking terminal. Maybe I'll get the Fanny pack. Cancer. Fanny, we love Fanny. Fanny. All right, fan. Good ads. But yeah, the new system sucks. They don't want to give those bins out. I like eight bins. I want eight bins. I want 12 napkins and I want three spoons. There's just no way to travel out of New York City with that being easy peasy Japanese. You got that right. I want to move to Northern Kentucky, Cincinnati, hop in my car, throw a

bag in the trunk and drive right out. By the way, we got all of them. We just counted wrong. Oh, shit. Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Ivory Coast. Oh, my fault. I can't go. Yeah, we stink. Count Charcula. But all right, so the flight was on time and now if the flight is on time, you're going to get there early. Yes. Which is pretty nice. I love early. You shave 15 minutes off. That's a game changer. And I'm a big, what do you call it, an impatient cunt. And so I get that Uber while I'm getting off the plane. Oh, that's dangerous. Well, you land in Grand Rapids. Those Ubers take three miles in a mule. Yeah. How is Grand Rapids, by the way? That could be a little dicey. Well, we sold it all out,

which is nice. But the green room is attached to the office and the office is like the main hub. It's like Grand Central Station with all the waitresses are running through there because they keep their phones in the office and they want to go text their fucking dumb boyfriend and send a tit-pick and then they go back and they put some pizza in there and they go in there like a fucking raccoon and take a bite. And they don't even notice you as a human. I know. You're just like an ass. And I'm eating ribs and shit. I'm like, oh, you know, all got poo all over my face and my fingers are dirty. And you try to look at your notes and then the guy go, they feel weird for walking in. So the security guy goes, cold out. You're like,

yeah, cold out. You need a green room. It's hard because it's their break area too. So you're taking their space. That's a good point. It's like they look at you like, ah, this fucking guy. And they deserve to look at you that way. But that's how we're looking at them. Right, exactly. Yeah. So there's a wedding hall across the way. I would just sit there in the dark. I've done the same thing. Oh, yeah. And here's another thing. And I probably shouldn't say this because I'm not going to say it. All right. But save it for the Patreon. Well, people will hear it and get upset. But it was the crowds were great, you know, because I've bombed at that place for years and they get.

Yeah. They really get cocked there. It's in a building called the Bob. It's big old building, which is not clever. And is that really what it stands for? Yeah. I know. He thought it was something fun. But the first floor is like laser tags. Second floor is an orgy. Third floor is a bar. Fifth floor is a, you know, a clan rally. And then the 17th floor is comedy. So it's just this drunk, chucky cheese of 18 layers of debauchery. And there's nets like the Apple headquarters because kids can fall off the balcony. The Asians are jumping. But yeah, you always see a chubby chicken at Tiara take a spill down the fifth floor stairwell. And it is just 22 year old blackouts in there. Yeah, it's tough. I did. Last time I was there was New Year's Eve 2017,

I think. And I never had worked New Year's again. I did the New Year's Eve there. It was like 1201. I ran across the street and hid in my hotel. I had some crazy psychopaths in the elevator with me. That was scary. And I never, I was like, that's the last New Year's Eve I'm ever working. Haven't worked again on New Year's Eve. I don't blame you. I could, I could see it. It's pretty nice to take the night off. Good for you. It's fun. It's like we were talking about it's all drunks. It's amateur hour out there. There's all these crazy stairs and fights and it's just wacky. So I stay home and masturbate. I don't blame you, especially, you know, the ball drops and you drop jizz off at the pool. All right. But either way,

good weekend. Had a nice feature. Laura peak. She was great. And peak. Yeah. I think it's Irish. Ah, fine. I love Laura peak. Starts with an I. Hello. And Garrett Elzinga. Oh, Garrett. I love Garrett. Yeah. I've known him for 25 years. He's a Tuesday. Is he? I think so. All right, Garrett. He's nice because he's a regular guy in a real comic. So you're like, this green room's weird, right? He's like, I know it's insane. You're like, okay, a little reason. Well, all these clubs, this one local guy that takes out, he just works there. Yeah. That's his spot. I think he lived here for a minute. He did. He did. I think he went broke, but he moved back and I'm glad he did because he's like,

my rock there. Yes. I rock. So great weekend overall. Good shows. No heckle. No drunks. Good time. And we sold merch, which that place is small. So I'm selling merch and people are trying to get in, get out, and you're doing photos and you're squished up. But then you've got to swipe the guy's credit card with two guys next to you. It's a brood. It's like fucking in a phone booth, but we made it work. We sold all the merch, flew out the next morning, and again, the flight. Right on time, baby. And once again, I got the Uber while on the plane, on the tarmac, two minutes, hit the ground, running, ground transpo, baggage claim, section four, Kea Sarento, I'm home. So you checked the bag. No, no, I'm just saying you got

to run past baggage claim to get out. I never checked a bag. I checked a bag. Recently we went to Palm Springs. I might start being a bag check guy. Here's the thing about the bag check. What sucks when you get there. It is a reliable. Yeah. Well, it just, it adds another 28 minutes sometimes. You just got to go at the beginning when you get there. But on the way back, it actually, I always think it saves time. You grab it and you run, but most part, by the time you get out, I got to piss as soon as I got to play. But the time you piss and get a coffee and you know, whatever, it comes pretty quick. But it happens, it works well if you have a layover. That's what we had. And it's also good if you don't have shows. Yes. If you're going on vacation, the

check in the bag is nice. That's a good code. And we got a long layover because it does suck running from one fucking gate to the other with a bag. That's true. And how about this? So how are we looking here? We got to wrap it up. Oh, jeez. Last thing I'll say. I flew Allegiant Air. Have you ever heard of this? Oh my God. I've never heard of this. It just makes me sick to my stomach that you're trying new airlines. Well, it was all that was flying out direct. I mean, I flew out of there on Sunday at two in the morning and Allegiant Air was like $11 and a, you know, a snack pack. And I got there. And you know me, I'm old school. I like to print out my boarding pass. There's no, you know, everybody united Delta. They got the little

kiosk. Nothing. So I see the Allegiant Air thing and it's some pissed off lady. And I was like, excuse me, ma'am, I hate to bother you. Where are the little boop-boops? I'm trying to print my boarding pass. She goes, Oh, you want to print out? I can do that for you. It's $5. I'm like, $5. Yeah, I thought she was doing the dumb joke. I hate that gag. Hate the gag. Terrible gag. Reflex. So I go, Oh yeah. But yeah, here's my ID. And she goes, Oh, it's $5. I'm like, Wow, this is pretty bad. I mean, I, I sucked it up when Spirit said, Hey, it's $50 to check a bag. I sucked it up when Frontier said, Hey, it's $20 for a hand job. I sucked it up. But this $5 for a Brent printed boarding pass. Get out of town. You lost me. I want to just tell me my boarding

number. I'll print it. I'll write it out. I'll write it out. Give me the number. I'll put a little smiley face and Mark Norman. Hey, there you go. There you go. I'll stick a picture to it. And I'll make a fucking QR code or whatever. But she's like, or you can download the app. And I was like, I'll download the app. Otherwise you got to pay the five bucks. I'll give you five bucks. I've just too many apps. I hate the app. I got an app for everything. I got NBC Sports, HBO, Criterion Channel, Instagram, Twitter, every concert now, this dice tickets, access tickets, credit card, your fucking, your mother's house. It's all pipes, Jerry. Yeah. Is it? It's good. I never heard it. I'd like to do it sometime. It'd be nice. But yeah, no, I'm with

it. It's too many apps, but the principle, Jerry, the principle. See, I'm the principle of the apps. The principle of the $5 principle. I don't mind that principle. Mr. Belding, I'll pay for it. Can't do it. The principle of the apps, the apps are killing me. I got seven pages of apps. You can delete the app. I'll never go to Legion again, but I'm not giving the lady a 20 to break so I can get a piece of paper the size of my tampon. Five bucks. I'll buy five bucks under the couch right now. The cat can barf up five bucks. Well, if I had a couch with me, I'd clean it out in the airport, but I'm not giving her a Finske for a piece of paper. Sorry. See what a Finske can do for a guy's attitude. All right. We got to wrap it up. I got a show. I'm at the Fat Black Pussycat

in six minutes. Oh, geez. All right. And we're at Souljoles tomorrow. Tomorrow night. Or today. Are these guys today? Today. Yes. We're recording on a weird day. Even though I was going downtown. Royersford tonight. Is Sean Patton really coming? Did you make that up? He called me or he texted me and he said, what time is it? I got, that's bad. I was like, dude, it's in Pennsylvania. Like, it's the whole night. He goes, all right, all right. So that makes me nervous. We're going to leave Queens at like three Queens. That's what my car is. Are you driving? No, we should take the thing. I think you can't put Shane Gillis in that tin can. Stick out the whole, the whole window. I mean, if you want to rent a car in Manhattan. No, we're coming to Queens. I think Shane lives

in Queens, too. He does. Yeah. So Sean, I'm sure is in a bumfuck Brooklyn. You're gonna have to scoop up Patton or something. All right. I'll be there. These guys, too. These are like legit guys. It's not like Steve Rogers. You give them like 25 bucks. No, I won't give them some. Okay, but I think it's going to sell out. So I hope so. Well, it will sell out. If you guys buy tickets, Royersford tonight, we're selling posters, limited amount of posters signed. These aren't posters. These aren't working. These posters. It's just tremendous. Todd Bertrude. Oh, that was a flapper. That was some loose pussy lips. Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow. I saw your jeans move. That was crazy. I saw your family jeans. Whatever. Mom jeans. But yeah, yeah,

Sol Joll's posters signed. What are we doing? 20 clams for a poster? I was going to say 75, but whatever. Well, we'll cut the difference. We'll go 25. Five bucks to print them. Or you can get the app, but Royersford tonight. I'm shooting my special. The 8 p.m. sold out. The 10 p.m. still available. December 7th. What's this? My special tape. Oh, shit. I already sold out one of them. That's big. Yeah. That's going to be fun. I want to plug Ronon's, by the way, just because he's never going to sell me tickets. This son of a bitch. No, December 21st. Ronon shooting his. So come to mine for real and then pretend to come to his December 21st at the VU. Ronon is a killer. Funny guy. Good comic. People sure his movie

opinions suck and his face is off putting, but he's unbelievable. Standup comedian. Come be part of the action. If you're coming to mine, you should go to his December 21st village underground. Make the same reservations and November is a big month. Chicago for God's sake. I love you. Last time I was there. It was Tuesdays everywhere. Shytown. November 18th through the 20th. Zane ease. Buy some tickets to that late show on Saturday for God's sake. We're all come to one show so I can sell a couple out and hit some of these bonuses, but come out. Matt Wayne's coming along. Portland Helium. Yeah, that's going to be fun. He's leaving his house. Finally. Portland Helium November 11th through the 13th and Providence comedy detection November 26th to the

27th. That's Thanksgiving weekend. That's going to be fun. Yes. Come check it out and please subscribe to my YouTube. I'm approaching 15,000 subscribers. I got those numbers way up because we're leasing the special on there and the algorithm and all this shit. We're all a slave to the goddamn algorithm. You got that right. I'll go. All right. I'll be at Portland, Oregon this weekend. We got one show left with tickets. So get on it before it goes clean. Laugh Boston. That'll be fun. I think we're at Skankfest as well. You're doing the Lewis roast. Oh yeah. I can't wait for that. Big. That's going to be something. Going to be lunch. Brea Improv in California. I don't get out to LA often folks. So come on out. Vancouver. House of comedy. We're going up to Old Whiteway.

Royal Oak, Michigan. Comedy castles. Charlotte. North Carolina and Atlanta Buckhead Theater. New Orleans at the Howlin' Wolf. Milwaukee Improv. A lot of fun stuff. Kansas City Improv. Later down the line. Also, Phil Hanley is doing a special at the VU. Oh yeah. Liz is up my ass about promoting. You got to promote it. I'm like, all right. We'll promote it. So Hanley's doing one. I don't even know the fucking night. November. November 20 something. There it is, folks. And I think this is his first and only album. So it's going to be all the hits. And you want to go see that. He's a funny cat. Canadian. And yeah. Watch our YouTube specials. Get on the Patreon. Tell a friend. Get a shirt. I saw some new gauge shirts out there. And they look pretty

lunch. Tell a friend. Queef it up. This pod should be bigger. Sorry about the lighting. The cat's gate. Can't find the fill date. Brazala. Georgia's saying cut it. Sorry, Phil. I can't buy the date. It'll be great. You're awesome. Queef.