Tuesdays with Stories! - #425 Bald Guy Mug

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

Hachi machi, it's another hot Tuesdays ep as Joe and Sarah encounter a weird guy in an elevator before we talk about past jobs and physical pain in comedy. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays), Keeps (keeps.com/tuesdays), Native Deodorant (nativedeodorant.com code: tuesdayswithstories), & Liquid IV (liquidiv.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

and they're supporting this show so go support them get 20% off all products including gum or losses at lucy.co with code Tuesdays that's 20% of lucy.co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout here's the legal mumbo jumbo this product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical but everybody knows that so get 20% off at lucy.co with promo code Tuesdays hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah there's Tuesdays with stories everybody no that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my baby yo is spitting at me yeah hey folks here we are I think it's Halloween ish

that's past oh it's past the ghost of Christmas past are you a Halloween guy you like Halloween do you ever get into it I like it I had memories of trick-or-treating I half-assed a lot of costumes I stole a lot of candy I egged a few houses and tp'd a few Native Americans a tp'd it was more terrorist than Indian that's all the same they were terrorists if you ask me we came here just to poke around see what's going on you know and all of a sudden they start shooting arrows at us and Tomahawk chopping us scalpin and so we had to fuck them up yeah we are the Braves for handling these savages

oh land of the free home of the brave no question about it you know the national anthem the star spangler letter ends at a question wait it's a question mark how so well I saw I was watching a game and I remember it was like it was like a hockey game and it was happening in Canada and I was watching on the big screen and it ended with the star spangled banner it ended with a question mark and I was like they're trying to call us cow but the last line is oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave it's a question yeah

how does it but I think they say oh man does it yeah but they're saying like is it still there or whatever but it ends with land of the free home of the brave but it's still the same sentence right so when you see it written out it's like home of the brave yeah so that's the question because I remember when I was a young guy you know we were going to Iraq and I was like where number one are you kidding they deserve it

yeah also weird that uh the guy who wrote that I don't feel like he gets any is due at Francis Scott keys hey Alicia Keys is dead is that right no she's black he might have been black you never know that's true that's true they're good musically

oh are they ever athletics music penis oh yeah tap dancing very fast yeah yeah quick twitch

yep Michael J. Fox uh but wait you're watching on the big screen with the hockey yeah it's tough to go to these events and not look at that screen wow this is just the words of the star spangled banner

ah I see so you're looking up there and then yeah but the jumbo trons are so jumbo jumbo shrimp it's hard not to look you're right well any kind of screen yes it's drawn to it yeah even a screen door

gotta look in the screen door slams Mary's dress ways but you're at the cellar even and someone's talking and you just naturally just go because you want to see this movement it's just a natural thing and it's a video of a guy moving her gal and you might even not even like the gal

or the guy but it's movement not like any gals they stink damn don't touch the camera cat now the cat is right oh there it goes let's give you a hell of a shot oh don't

hey Greg hey hey hey yo dickless quave anal this way you can't even hear hey hey right over here

you think he's deaf and blind hey we got some nip over here oh ho we got a mouse here look at that mouse yep yep yep there you go

that's gonna be a great shot though but I'm worried he juiced it a little bit maybe he breathed on it wrong no juke I didn't see any juke alright don't juke juke bucks yeah juice bucks but halloween was fun

when I was a kid I never didn't trick or treat my next to across the street was Eric Chalmers you know him Big Chalmy Big Chalman and he was fun

and they had the fun halloween house uh huh still going good good great mark left the camera's broken it's a whole thing it's a whole new camera

so they would have scary music and he did his own little haunted house thing he'd dress up as Dracula and then we had a whole production in my role I got to play was I was like a trick or treater so I would wear like a

whatever super boy or whatever costume ooh that's hot and I would walk up like I'm trick or treating and I would wait for other kids to be trick or treating I would walk with them

yep and then Jim Crancia you remember Crancia sure Cran he'd come running out like a devil costume or whatever and like form tackle me

and then Eric Chalmers would bite Uncle Dale on the neck and he'd go and fall down we had a whole thing that's great and we scared the fuck out

of the neighborhood the music would be playing it was really my favorite thing I loved it I loved that I loved coming together I loved the autumn air I loved the scare

and the kids and then fucking them and the candy and the decorations it's great it's fascinating I was thinking about this the other day

when I was driving wherever the fuck we were I can't remember but isn't it funny like if you came from another country or planet or town

and you just came to the states and you're like why is there dead bodies it's a strange holiday isn't it it's very strange it's spooky the whole thing is death

blood witches ghouls goblins it's kooky and sluts it's all slutty shit yeah which

you know nobody's complaining about no well probably some people but sure fat women I assume but it's funny to be like

ah visiting my uncle in America and then you come in October and there's like skull hands sticking out of the ground and blood which is interesting too

because it's sort of propping up murder well we're cool with murder here isn't that weird it's like sex is bad

offending people with like gays and groups is bad but true crime is through the roof serial killers are through the roof

murder jokes where you go hey I killed my dad they go hahaha and I'm like that's way worse than the gay joke

by the way yeah good point I never got that that's the feelings but hey I'm gonna kill myself they're like it's got suicidal

well even that's getting dicey now oh is it yeah cause I say it 40 times a set and people start to get weird and now the term is

un unalive or unalive the undead no that's a movie I think yeah no there's like

unforgiven unlife for it it's some new PC death term really yeah it's unalive I think it's unalive

really I don't know that one unalive what does that mean it means you're not dead but instead of dead you say

unlife or that's something fucking stupid like that I can't remember it's unalive I mean we're getting out of hand now

it's a person of size is fat and dick of man is gay I can't keep up I love man I think tall

is no good I think I'm like tall is how tall is a compliment I'm lengthy tall no tall women are really gross

I think I think I said that before they have a tough go at it they're always like oh I can't get laid and I'm taller than all the boys and they put on a pair of heels

forget it oh it's over but I look I'm not a I'm not a tall man but I don't mind a big tree of a skank

I do I find it very off-putting really yeah they shouldn't be allowed to be out and about maybe we do a little tiny hearty and take those legs down

from the shin down like saw off the shin and tape the feet to the broken shins yeah like a comedy gag with the knee and the shoe do you like

short how short can you go sometimes too short is wacky I'm like how's it all fit you got organs in there and

you're wearing a diaper can I throw you around the room it's sometimes too short is weird organs trail well the woman I got herpes from

she was very short almost midget wow she was like like a pair of heels away from being midget or a little person excuse me

I don't like the too short which I think is a rapper I don't like the too short because I feel like the lady form can't be all the way there it's all it's all compacted in

you know so you can't have all the curvy with these curvy interesting now people say they like tall men

yes but I mean I do a bit about this I'm just very lanky which is not as good I mean look at these legs I'm all leg leg is good

I don't think leg is great I think it's a power thing they're looking up at you literally I look up to you well they need so to be taller than them so that's important

because our guy that's shorter is stupid but when I was a kid the short guys with cool ones what yes I'm telling you

they were all cool because they walked in a cool way or something like that I don't know they were like a bag of cheese yeah exactly

and then the muscularly it's a better body when you're more compact you think because you're long like a long

long is naturally skinny when you lengthen right you become skinny interesting yeah I hear you there but it's tall and fat too

yeah oh yeah big and tall store right now what about these gals though because they want to equal everything equilibrium

equal the sugar packet but they want the guy taller so it's like you want to be everywhere else you want even but you still like

a taller man that shows that biology is real you can't beat primal nature and urges and all that shit what do you mean

well because you want everything being a man and a me or equal we're all the same but I still want to be smaller than you

right you know the femininity still kicks in a little yeah yeah you still want to you want them to be bigger you don't want a little boy

yeah and they don't want to be able to beat up a guy in the minority there but you don't want to be able to beat up your husband yeah you want him

to be able to beat you up but not beat you up that's what you want that's the key you want him to be like hey be nice to me but if you know I called

your mother a twat you should be able to beat the shit out of me yes can but won't can but won't there you go that's a good

presidential slogan that's my gay sex policy I can can but won't sure but sometimes do

put it in again now how about this this goes back a ways a couple weeks ago we were in indian wells california sarah and i

you might remember quit bragging beautiful place think it's native american wells it's lovely down there so we were down there

and we're staying in a resort casino and these resort casinos they feel like it's just a little naughty doesn't it how do you how do you

mean well it's casino so anytime this gambling it just a little naughty yeah there's always like a limp and some drug folks

some poor people it's a little nerve wracking we were leaving with all of our luggage and we saw these two like scratchy junky people with like scratch tickets everywhere

oh well pun intended yeah yeah and you're like ah shit like what's stopping them from just being like all right give me

that suitcase sure yeah and I would be like I don't know and then they just throw a shoe at me or whatever could be worse

you know what I mean looking people they are all fat and crazy and scratched up yeah track marks just like a mess

the meth people they pick at themselves it's bad news it's nasty so but I'm walking by with like a suitcase full of cash

and a pair of new balance sure they could have jacked me up yeah yeah but I guess they just

I don't know why didn't they maybe it's a different breed over there well they don't have the energy probably they don't have the skill or whatever

but it's still nerve wracking but so we're at the resort casino ah Agua Caliente oh hot water that's right

spicy water I think just hot okay hot water is that right I think Caliente means hot right yeah but does it mean spicy

that's a good quote well we say both I think hot means spicy here yeah here it does Caliente yeah we got Caliente cab

it's a Mexican joint over here which I guess means oh especially if it's a wine hot Cabernet but uh

uh oh cat's pissed but yeah uh Caliente spa Agua got it so we're at Agua Caliente in Rancho Mirage

Jesus where are you in Mexico here we're going full of Hispaniol well California's a little Mexico

yeah I guess or big Mexico it's pretty close so I'm in the Rancho Mirage Agua Caliente okay por favor so we got

we're in there the last night we come home we go out to tennis we have a great time have some dinner we went to a place called JJ's in Palm Springs

one of these old Mexican restaurants established 1984 ah not that old that's pretty old now we're old

that's 36 years old alright alright and this day and age and this economy this market I guess you're right especially

but I'm 83 right so I guess I hear hey it's old 1980s well this is California nothing's old in California that's true

it's the great white west isn't it weird like you grow up and I grew up in New England you're New Orleans it's like everything's from the

1700s 1800s this house is 200 years old this restaurant the bar then you go to Europe and you're like

this is like you know from 890 right then you go to the Middle East and then you're like we weren't even

before Christmas yeah I went there oh yeah wasn't great nah I think I'm just dead but so we go to the

this place JJ's which is nice and then you sit and you're like well I love this place and because it's all it's all pipes Jerry

it's all urban outfitters now it's pop spring everything's very cool it gets taken over so 1984 is old now right

so we go in there and we're the only two in there it's authentic it's got a nice feel yeah I love that patina what's patina

patina means a little it's a little scuff on it but it gives it character oh you know like a hot old guy with gray hair

Rick patina there you go so we go in there and the lady comes over she's super nice and we're just high fiving for going to the cool place

we didn't go to Chipotle Burger King we went to the cool JJ's free chips I don't know if they were free but we got chips alright I love when you sit down

they just pop the chips and salsa right in your face yeah they didn't have queso because the mexico that's not that's only tex mex

has queso mex no queso I did not know that you got to go to texas if you want queso I got to do my texas but so we sit down there

then a lay a guy comes in he's a regular and the the proprietor greets him he goes hey welcome bienvenue or whatever

and the guy goes hey JJ oh wow JJ he's JJ JJ's still cooking but JJ yeah so I felt great because I was like

okay this is really JJ's we really did it we got the place was he Mexican oh yeah alright build that wall

Jose Jose so he came over and he goes hey I just wanted to say thanks for coming we love this place and they're having a hard time because covid and everything

sure sure and so he was so grateful and he was doing this shit and blessing us and great restaurants if you're ever in Palm Springs go hit up JJ's

yeah I love it I love an old Mexican I love authentic nice out of the way all that bullshit yeah I know me too

so we go there we go back to the Caliente Agua Caliente Rancho Mirage got it got it we're getting the elevator and this is a sensitive topic so I don't want to get

too weird here have I given you my theory on elevators it's the last place on earth where you have to be in a small place with a stranger

for a certain amount of time everything is groomed now you got your delta comfort you got your uber plus you got your apartment or whatever you can get away from people pretty good

but that elevator I don't care if you're a Rockefeller or Haley Joel Osment you're getting into an elevator with some strangers for a little bit that's a good point

well bathroom stalls are like that I'm always jammed in there with another guy oh well you gotta stop doing the tap on the tile but no it's a good point elevators are interesting

and they're fascinating too cause there was like this study online or YouTube somewhere where they can you can influence how people stand in an elevator sometimes you stand in a circle

people will just naturally stand in a circle if you're facing that side of the wall people will just naturally face that way cause there's no specific way to face

in an elevator yes interesting so you can really like get weird where you're like we're single file we're in a box we're in a corner

I go straight corner I always go corner too yeah leave the lady alone have you ever heard that Eddie Murphy story I don't know if I have Eddie Murphy you know

the height of his powers he goes to some building in midtown you know he's going up to see an agent and it's this nice skyscraper and he's got

big black glasses on big black leather and he's with all his giant big black guys and he's got his goons he's got his posse his entourage sure

they're all jammed in this elevator and this you know executive or whatever CEO white woman with the heels and the pants

who is running on it's the 80s cute blonde lady hold that elevator and she gets on and she just looks back and seven black guys just with full regalia

on and she's you know the 80s at a different time sure and you could tell she's visibly frightened and she's like

clenching her pocket book and grabbing her clip and Eddie Murphy looks back like this is hilarious how scared she is

and he goes on three and they go oh wow I'll just start laughing oh god yeah good times yeah that's fun

I mean that is terrifying for this woman yeah you can't blame her I would have done the same thing I mean you know me a guy asked for change and I run for the hills yeah I would have just started

blowing the biggest one I heard that's the move in jail yeah so that's what I do at my parents' house sure Thanksgiving's coming up well hello jobs

from my mom but so where am I on this story oh sorry sorry I'm very caliente ranchero

lookamonga I didn't say elevator elevate elevato elevato oh chivato I think elvato is a dog

or cat a dog is pedero pedero goto is a cat goto yeah domo maybe goto hate bed

go roboto pedero means dog and but but not but like asshole but but like but there's more to this sentence

however so it's you're kind of like I'm gay dog I don't blow guys on Wednesdays right isn't that weird yeah

that sounded like morse code of all the things I mean why don't you just make up another word well we got a few of those dog and but what are some examples well like we got pretty hey that she's a pretty lady

and that's pretty good yeah pretty I just pulled that out of my goto is that or pedero yeah that's similar but dog and but

feels so well we got foot and foot the bill I don't know oh yeah foot the bill I just pulled these out of thin jizz here

foot the bills good what else is there Tracy is a boys name and girls name that's not what we're doing all right all right different category just kind of looking around here

yeah we're doing Tracy book them yeah good point book them book them and then there's a book yes

it's book Jerry but any tips let me get to this elevator sorry sorry let me just skip right ahead to the elevator so Sarah and I get in the elevator it's a little late at night 11 30

it's not crazy we get on and then you hear a hold the door there we go I grab the door I hit the open button

and stick my foot in there you're a good man and in comes this is where it gets a little dicey and spicy Choctaw no child

it's a person invalid yes like a nice dress strapless up here one of these

and like a floppy down here toot toot pink and blue nice outward like kind of 80s almost Cindy Loppery got it got it

pair of heels hmm but clean shaven bald head with a real man face ah

guy mug so it's kind of a a bald guy mug lopper dress how the shoulders is born a man pretty broad

yeah it feels like it it was a man or is still a man yeah but it left a lot for curiosity pondering

we'll say it's not a chappelle fan I would imagine ah but this just looked like a dude in a dress and I'm a good person so I go hey

I saw them coming sure so I said hey come on in and you know Sarah grabbed her purse and acted like

it was Eddie Murphy he got in the corner yeah yeah he just went how you doing have a good night how you doing but it felt like

it was a bit of a a call person oh lady of the night that's what it felt like they have the night don't you think

because we're in a hotel resort a little bit of naughty business it's 1130 no room key to speak of and just had

a little tiny dress I see like I was like how you doing and then there was just kind of like this

and I'm talking ball like cue ball ball wow no chest area whatsoever but a nice little dress

what about a double A what do you mean battery oh the Adam's apple yep hmm

well women do have Adam's apples tiny but small ones yeah I got more of a pretty much that I didn't really look close

because it's a quick elevator right four floors or whatever and then we got off and walked into his room but it was interesting because we felt like

maybe it's escort escort that's the word I'm looking for there it is it's an escort but wouldn't you be upset

if you were like you know I'm gonna dabble in the trans sure and you get a full cue yeah and you just get a non

you know Patrick Stewart over here or go napalm in the morning Robert Duvall Duvall oh yeah

I mean this was no Duval Duval's 115 now well he's got a cue ball man face this guy had a very raw very round head

I'm trying to think of somebody more equivalent I see maybe Matt Taiby nah I don't know I mean it was smooth as eggs

I mean just dark brown not black but like a tan a white person Jason Statham very tan more old

mmm like Matt Williams the third baseman for the San Francisco Giants in like the 90s geez that's a sweet

don't pull maybe I'll pull up a photo of Matt Williams and show you yeah alright because I want to get hard to this noggin

and I think this is gonna but what do you think of this what are you making of this situation I think you got something here but I think as a little considerate

if you go full trans escort you throw on a blonde wig this is it man I nailed it perfect that's exactly what he looks like

can we get a shot of this zoom in on this photo Matt Williams everybody how's it look hold on oh damn it you got this ah there it is the fucking

cue ball that's what he looked like it might have been him matter of fact I mean this is California well he was a catcher I mean this is um

wasn't pitching the big marine Matt the bat I mean this looks like him from Bishop California oh man well throw that guy in a dress

and we might have an escort I mean this could be him that they looked exactly like that but just picture I mean wouldn't you be upset if you were like I'm gonna get a little dice

because I gotta tell you I've been in hotels back in my single drinking days in Vegas and I thought man if I'm ever gonna suck a dick

this is the time and place get the yellow pages out and look up D for dicks right and get one of them over and you know I never did it

but I thought about it for a couple weeks straight and I get it I mean the yellow pages that's mostly for the Asians but I get what you're putting down yeah but

I thought maybe someone did that and then you get that boom boom and you open the door and you see old Matt Williams waving you home in my sister's prom dress

sure sure yeah yeah that's tough I don't know I think she was or they or them was going a little getting a little too liberal with her

her ways there or maybe that guy requested he goes I want a real shiny dome coming at me you know who knows

maybe that's part of the kink but the thing was it was an off putting looking not off putting but like not a attractive

man or woman yeah you know what I mean you want somebody that's the thing with now by the way it could just be a person

hanging out at the Agua Caliente but also true just you know sometimes you just have a feel oh you get a feel felt like something but it moved

it's gonna be you want somebody if you're gonna get an escort you want someone attractive either way of course even if you want a woman

they send a man you at least want it to be like you know Michael Koster somebody nice oh yeah yeah he's hot

you want somebody a handsome man this is like just a tweener yeah that's a tough thing too about the Vegas thing you mentioned is

I've been in Vegas before and you're at the bar and you're drinking your sorrows away cause you lost 20 grand at a roulette table and then some good looking

young whippersnapper coos in a ball gown and a tube top goes hey

you okay buddy and you're like whoa who's this who's this kooky bro to chat me up

man maybe my luck's turning around and then she's like nah it's turning out to be a hell of a night and then the bartender's going

hey don't do it buddy and I'm like what do you mean he's like oh she's been working the whole night she's done the whole room she fucked the whole bar I'm like

what nah she's into me and he's like nah you're crazy that's Jenny the prostitute and you go oh damn

but I thought I had something they're always doing the circular wax those bartenders yeah they got one rag and one spot and they really hit it hard

yeah it's fun wax on watching TV because sometimes you see the bartender they're sitting on the cooler facing back it's always a good look like here's the bar

and they're sitting there watching the thing and they go hey welcome in come on in what can I get you yeah but you got a cool look I think that's a lazy employee well that's what he said

you're on his side I guess because he goes what are you going to watch but I'm talking no customers have come okay okay zero people

first customer of the day it's not 1115 on New Year's Eve and I'm sitting on the cooler watching Dick Clark in the inventory and then

wipe the dust off the bottles maybe replace the keg exactly he wants you to dust the bottles and clean the ash trays sure and blow them I guess

I mean you've got time to watch hockey you've got time to cocky I couldn't think of anything but you know clean time to clean

yes that's a fun one you never heard that maybe I have somewhere but I've lived a long life I don't know I've heard a lot of shit I think you've had two jobs

your whole gig no I've had a bunch all right I bartended I worked at Sears I worked at FYE I worked at my Derek's Uncle's Frame Shop

got my hand over one time that sucked yeah that seems like a boring gig framing oh well we were slicing glass cutting glass all the time

Jesus and that was tough and then I pretended that my grandfather got sick and then never went back I kept dating the girl who lived in the same house as him

dude that was a little dicey yeah yeah we were at the FYE Leans department store hey not basement

fluff and fold no no we were upstairs okay hey that's like Anne Frank and then what else I think that might have been it

that's a good five I counted five no more than that what are you crazy that was six I got frame I got FYE lean I got bartender

I got FYE FYE whatever that is Sears I was a plow I did some walkways and shit

that was under the table oh that's adorable that was fun I did some plumbing work with my uncle too it's all pipes oh yeah I was doing a lot of pipe

pipe cleaning with my mouth that plumbing is that's a wacky gigzy the guy cleans out your toilet you got a big cat a dead cat in there and he goes

that'll be nine million dollars you're like well how'd we get here well it's not a plum job I'll take that but you got that right I've never heard nectarine

is what I always remember is hot on the left cold on the right uncle would always say that was like his mantra his mantra montage

Eric Montrose yeah and you know shit flows downhill that's a metaphor of course I don't get it well everyone complains

if I'm shitty to you you're shitty to your wife and then she's shitty to the cat and then the cat shits on my mouth I never heard that shit flows downhill so when the boss is upset

the person I'm not saying I'm your boss and you're her boss but you know what I mean it just all but in a company if the president's upset

he yells at the VP and then they go and yell at the fuck hey what are you guys doing out here and then their assholes to the cat shit flows downhill

I thought it was be a plumbing metaphor well it's plumbing also meaning if you got a shit pipe point it down the hill got it

or if you're below the shit when the pipe bursts you're getting it getting a mouthful of feces something's going bad you gotta go high yeah

I guess the point is don't live at the bottom of the hill because you're gonna get a world of shit coming at you from the plumbing station you got that right yeah

which is basically what New Orleans is just a big town that lives on the bottom of the hill and when that rain comes in you're just sitting in it

below sea level that was the DiPallo's joke he goes yeah you decided to start your life in a soup bowl something like that that was more to it

yeah he's funny very funny very miller influenced clearly oh yeah I mean I also just did a little bit of a millery impression

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get out folks keep that's worth it good news keeps has got both of them the baby let's play a bad one and then you go to work and get the gym and take your vitamins and you stretch and play the piano and rub one out I have another job and another job out there I have a job since I moved to New York though that's impressive other than

you went to the most expensive city in America and didn't work yeah well and people are always like wow how'd you do that and I'm like well I had three roommates I lived in a seven foot room my electricity was turned off a bunch I borrowed money from everybody I knew I was completely broke I ate none of my spaghettios it's not like I was like doing well right yeah I think I moved here I've had probably seven jobs here alone I mean furniture mover, temp, temp is the worst gig ever because every day is your first day and it's a new place you gotta get

this is Sheila she's in accounting this is Betty she does the files and you're like ahhh you're hungover and you gotta you know the tube top on and the jizz and you're here and it sucks because they just call you randomly you know you're like hello and you have to take a call at 6 a.m. they go can you be in the day Jenny died you got hit by a bus all right I'll be there do you know how to plum or do you know how to weld you're like I'll figure it out brutal gig that's why I could never do it because anything day of I'm like I'm out I already have my day planned I know

I'm like I got I'm watching Seinfeld season 6 beginning to end exactly and I was gonna sleep till 3 and it's 6 a.m. I went to bed at 5 I'm in bed with a man still can't do it but I would have to do it I was broke I feel that way with restaurant workers and firemen there's all this covering I can't cover for somebody I'm like I already made my plan a lot of cover hey I need you to come in and work my my shift I'd be like nah nah I can't do that I'll tell you what though when they cover for you it's pretty good

I know I'd be that guy I'd be the guy that always needs covered but he doesn't want to cover yeah no cover Dave I'd be like hey listen I got tickets to the Bruins game can you cover my oh you got it and then three days later like hey my mom is their tits fell off and she's gonna die tomorrow I'd be like well I can't be working you don't really need tits I gotta catch a movie yeah go to see show girls but yeah it's true there was always that one guy though

I used to work at a Mexican restaurant JJ's yeah JJ's and that there was always that one lady who was like you want to show I got I got seven kids I got a car payment I got AIDS I'll take it yeah some people need the shifts that makes sense thank God for that lady I never I never appealed to me to do anyway because I'd rather money wasn't that important to me I want my day I just want to be able to watch you know fucking good fellas again right they're like yeah it's a big shift it's a big night you'll make 300 cash

I'm like I'll figure something out I gotta watch sports cup I used to wait tables and I would give my day you want move what's all right I got a 12 top that's two I can't handle a 12 top like you have no other tables it's a Friday there's no one in here like I can't do it I can't carry 12 plates you take it and then there's always be a guy who took it yeah that's tough so I'd be at work not making money but I'm there I should work while at work but I still didn't want to do it yeah I went to work I drove to Filene's one time a couple times with the shirt the tie the

slacks the socks got there and look like a Larry David was like I can't do it can't go in and like that's all the hardest parts is getting dressed getting the car and going there but I was like I just can't face it it's funny because Woody Allen said what is it 80% of life is showing up like if you go to the gym you'll probably work out but you prove it were you're the 20%er you're like yeah I'm here and I'm still not going in blow me yeah it's hard you just can't do it I mean even we I shot this movie even that was like again today

right 12 hours but don't you find that if you get over that hump you're kind of glad you did it yeah of course it's a hard hump but if you get past it you're you're living life well and you look back and like work when I bartended when it was really busy that's when it was fun and also when I worked in department stores what's that call what's the term retail retail retail December was the best because it was just ripped through right because you're just literally true it never stops and you're

like whoa it's three o'clock all right right it's when nobody's there that you're like I'm gonna kill myself that clock you're just staring at it and just jizzing right on your face it won't move the best job was serious as I worked loss prevention I'm sure I've talked all about it running around the best I mean because you're just we had cameras we had 82 cameras motion the whole thing yeah and you're there watching people you can get weird in there and then you walk the floor you're like I'm gonna go on the floor and you're just

walking around and you can when you catch up with that heart rate skyrockets and you're running and chasing them it was the best well you're doing stuff you're not just behind a register or you're not just folding clothes or bagging groceries you're doing something you're out there stopping crime you're interacting the best day when I bartended we had it was a cop bar which I always say if I was gonna open I know people hate the cops whatever but if I was gonna start a bar or open a bar whatever you make it a cop fireman but I don't have no problem no they're at security you stay open lay

you go no one's going in there and starting shit because it's fucking cops everywhere right and they drink and they they're union guys they bring in all their friends the fundraising all that shit so I worked at a cop bar and one of the cops tragically killed himself yeah but that night like hey listen you know so so and so killed himself tonight's the the funeral though whatever Irish way yes so they're like we brought in a second guy he's gonna be your bartender but I'm like but I don't need a second guy I'm a bartender and they're like you need a second guy it was like one of those things where he's like hey we'll be

working together I do this you move over there watch my ass touch me and then like it was like the door open and it just bang just pile yeah I mean we had people 7d packed out into the street I made like 400 bucks that this is 2001 400 bucks cash I was like 18 years old 19 years old and we split this so we made $800 in tips because everyone's just crying and let's have another one for Jimmy yeah and it was it was wild and everybody was hammered crying sobbing I love it but I didn't have that much I knew the guy but I didn't have much connection to him so I just left with like a fit this bursting out and then

the guys would be like have a shift drink and I'm like I can I'm 19 years old I gotta drive they don't care and they're like what towns you're driving through and I'm like Brockton Stoughton and Whitman like who's on tonight you got the beer and they're like pinching my cheek and hand cuff me for fun and we gotta go back to this bar I think it's gone they probably got shut down because it's a 12-year-old serving martinis oh it was so fun but a lot of times it sucked because it was just it was quiet but that day man we were just rockin you're just like bang bang bang it was like a hip to be square or whatever the fuck that

pewee little hippy hippy shake ah yes I picked you just barely looking over the bar you got a rag over your shoulder you're passing up mugs full of beer it's all spilling on you well speaking of mugs I mean as ugly as I am now picture me at 17 I mean I had pimples my teeth were worse I was like whoa hello that's adorable I didn't make ultra it's like I wasn't even around then and beers were like a buck and a quarter it was a domestic draft was two and a quarter domestic bottle 250 two and a quarter you do some buybacks with the with the pigs oh I was shoving them right up their ass all of them I was a couple you

know cops that beat a kid I gave them free drinks you don't get beat what about a couple of like cougar ladies in there they must have been all over look how cute he's so lanky a lot of cougars but I didn't get the cute because I think now I'd get the cute he's got something but back then I mean I was a pole right just a string big street lamp with a pair of glasses and braces on right right you look like that that guy on the on the windows with the just a paper clip with glasses yeah that guy you were that guy yeah it was bad damn but good times but it was pretty fun yeah I gotta say it was it was nice see what's hard for me

about a gig is even a bar that sounds fun I would have been sneaking a few schnapps under the table oh yeah but it's hard being trapped in a place for that long for me eight hours to me if I ever had an office job which I had a lot of and I hated all of them but they'd go oh we got to get this delivery over to the Johnson and Johnson factory they had a blood clot over there and I go I'll do it right oh I love getting out then you're like oh my god you're in the sun you're like Brooks and Shawshank like oh my god and then the wind hits your face you're like ah then you get a sandwich you you pet a dog it's great I still

feel that way everyone I went through my big breakup that woman just really cut my dick off and fed it to my dad but he was tough I was some day for the dead though I remember going to canner's bar Jason Canada was like my lord and savior or whatever you call it friend that's it he would bartend at the Mansfield which is where Sarah bartended to which one time this is sad this before I dated Sarah I showed up to go drink for canter and then he wasn't there but Sarah was because they would trade shifts and she was like hey how are you you came by to see me and I was like I didn't think to go I was like nah I'm looking for Jason

you chuch I should have been like that's right yeah of course you got to wing it but I was so heartbroken at the time and obsessed with my ex I couldn't even think about this woman who was just cute and like you came to say hi and I was like now I didn't come to look up a canner oh boy that must have crushed her speaking of heartbroken and I didn't even hang he was like oh he's off today and I was like ah shit all right well take care fucking idiot yeah no signal not picking up what she's putting down but hey it all worked out in the end you guys are divorced yeah it's fine but but anyways I would go to the Mansfield

and hang out with canner and then he would have this I would just drink the whole shift and he'd be like oh we're out of Limes I go I go Limes I felt like let me do something yeah I'm sitting here drinking for free the whole time right oh you would get the Limes I'd go get the line I'm like I'll go and he's like really is that okay I'd look at the manager and give the high five or thumbs up whatever I just did yeah and I'd go down to Gristini's or whatever buy some Limes and it really was yeah it felt like service it was nice don't you feel like and it we had so much time back then I feel like hey we do eight podcast you're

doing you got to watch 12 movies just to talk to Ron on and then we got eight specials cooking we got a this and that we go to LA we go on the road we go to the cellar we do this we touch the cat back then you had a day to kill I was almost hard you're like what do I what else do we do we go to Chuck E cheese let's get a couple golf balls gone to the ocean you know you had to find things to do it's the worst I don't do well with time I don't either if I'm too swamped I'm stressed I lose my mind it's there's a balance you got to find a balance that's so true and the people probably hate hearing it because some people are

working and roofing and doing all this stuff but an empty day is not great it it seems great on paper you go whoo tomorrow I'm gonna make a grilled cheese I'm gonna jerk off and put it on the grilled cheese and eat it and then I'm gonna go to the amusement park but you don't you just start going I'm not doing enough I'm lazy I'm gay I feel bad and then then it all goes to hell well I'm trying to do a bit about this I think the worst thing that ever happened everybody is saying live life to the fullest you know live life to your fullest interesting because now whenever I'm watching Goodfellas again I'm like I

should be watching a new movie then I put on a new movie and I'm like I don't like this movie right and then now with the business I mean it's all content it makes me want to just shoot myself and I fall behind cuz I can't do content but I'm like I don't want to do it but you're like you can't even watch a game I'm watching the World Series being like I should tweet I'll live tweet it I'm like I'm just trying to think of a fucking tweet it's always it's up being like hey I took a shit and showed it to my parents throw that out there it's tough I'll retweet that I appreciate it that's not bad but yeah no it's tough and you can't

win and then before you know it it's all gone you're like wow 48 what do I do and then you had all this time and you wasted it gone what should I be doing should I be doing this should I be tweeting and then it's gone well that's the real key is to accept whatever you're doing as what you're doing and connect to that activity yes like right now we're podcasting it's a nice time we're entertaining some people share this thing with podcast we did a live one last night which you gotta join the patreon to get this fucking thing lunch God it was so good magical evening I think last night's was so good that this episode is

like suffering we're hungover I'm like I like this is so I'm not saying it's bad I'm just saying it's it's yesterday was so insane that I'm like I feel like physically and emotionally drained from it unbelievable I mean it was a live audience at a dome outdoor and the crowd was just ripping and rapping and we were cooking it was four funny kooks and it was it just it all came together we sold out of posters we had a couple beers we drove back it was great hot crowd I mean they were hot hot they really gave it up on a few lines I had that stuck and they still saved me so you guys are the real heroes out there and Royersford

Sean Patton Shane Gillis I mean it was just bang it was a banger everything it was laughs wall the wall maybe our best live episode possibly the best best crowd best group of guys best flow best zingers best night and say it's so good and I forget why I brought that up connecting you got to connect oh I was just gonna say about podcasting it's so weird because there's like 90,000 people listening to this that's crazy but we're just sitting here talking to each other it's so we're just Theo Vaughn pointed that I did his pot and he's like more people are gonna watch this in the tonight show tonight I'm like that is insanity it's very

bizarre and we're just talking and there's a little black square over there yeah that for a BLM is representing like a hundred thousand people yeah yeah it's true but what does that say about our society not to get to cheese dick over here but it obviously is a lack of connection a lack of something if people have to watch to come guzzlers chop it up for an hour well I don't think it means that that's we're entertaining we're funny okay okay I mean back in 1381 the jester would come down and juggle and talk about fucking his dad in the mouth and feeding him a dick probably I think if you throw this out there in 1988 people

go what the fuck is that no kind of public access show who would watch the who are these guys people watched at Siskel and Ebert were huge in 1988 they were talking about movies or whatever and Howard Stern and good point good point there's plenty of people talking I mean it was fun turns he was big yeah people like to take we're entertaining it's not like we're just talking about you know I'm always looking for a dumb bigger message so I always want to find it I think we're doing great entertaining I'm not to take away from me us blowing each other I'm just saying I wonder why podcasters are boomed I think it's funny

and it's also like unadulterated there's no corporation that's interesting we're saying Phil's Florence Phils over here you got that right and you know my my theory about what people really love people like watching friends have fun they do look at the Joker's that's my thing that's my theory people really love is there anything more fun than watching bloopers of a show you're like having fun Elaine and Kramer laughing offscreen I mean it's gold she kicks him in the balls on accident he's like Jesus Christ and then she loses it then they go cut cut and you get to see behind the scenes a little it's authentic

yes it's sports when the guy hits the home run they come in the dugout and they're all put their arms around punching them and he's smiling they're all laughing they do the secret handshake sure people like to watch people having a nice time they really do that's why I'm so sick of people talking about it which I shouldn't break it up because now I'm talking about it but you gotta watch Ted last so you know in these crazy times when everybody's burning each other alive and putting spikes in their dick he's fun it's positive I don't want to talk about Ted last so because everyone is hate me I'm already

the Sopranos guy everybody blah blah blah what about the wire never saw it actually I did I watched the first episode and I hated it all right well we talked about a new batch of enemies we talked about it here and I know it's great I'm wrong you're right don't fucking at me you're better than me I'm an idiot I'm stupid I'm gonna kill myself but I just felt like it was like all right stick them up buddy boy what get out of here fuzz it just felt like the wire you gotta make it a little blacker than that well whatever it is I can't remember it was ten years ago but I'll get the shit but Ted lasso it I mean I know

people right for it that we know ah shit good point forget I brought it up yeah the show I like lassos but I I found an appalling I'll just say that let's keep it moving though it may keep moving the worst thing by the way it's the plot of major league and that's true but it's soccer though so it's okay edge or jokes but whatever I think people right for it it's good let me throw this one in your anal cavity and see if it makes your orgasm I'm sure it's great I just don't care for it there you go yes it's safe you don't like everything I don't like pussy so I'm not gonna say who's it'll ruin the whole thing but

we were talking about getting over the hump and once you get over the hump it's not that bad and being busy is better than sitting around somebody said the best parts of life are there are on the other end of fear meaning you know you got stage fright okay but then you gotta go on it's an eight o'clock show and it's seven fifty eight you go I can't do it I can't do it Johnny don't put me up there I'm freaking out and you go you gotta go on man it's at seven fifty nine now you gotta go on in one minute I can't do it are you shitting blood you're crying you go on it's terrifying you have a good time the crowd last you go off you go

holy shit that was exhilarating I've never felt so alive or skydiving you're looking out that fucking door and you're terrified you give you kill your mom just to not jump right you jump you're terrified the best moment of your life yeah it's really relief I suppose it's like removing this suffering this is nice because I have moments after I leave the dentist I feel like I'm walking on Jews I'm just I'm just feeling the flow because you're like oh that's over I got through it it's great pardon me once if it wonders if you're addicted to that a little like you you put yourself in these horrific situations you get through it

and now you're living large well that's what you're talking about right yeah saying but I mean the dentist in a year now and I don't want to go back but don't go back but yeah when you feel it feels good to be because it gets all the dopamines and serotonin and seratolomosh and it gets it all flowing yeah yeah and anything is like that it doesn't even have to be fear too I would I would argue you know you you get your shit together and you build something you build a table and it's hell you gotta say in the wood and saw it nail it and drill it and queef on it and then it's done and you go that was hell but now I

got a table it actually makes the table more valuable and more fun yeah it feels pretty good maybe we should just make me think we should try anal no I'm afraid of it and she's painful and at the end you have a table yeah there you go so you can use my back as a table it might be nice you pull it out and you go whoo feels great well for one of us it's gonna be better than the other I wasn't saying us oh I think that made you right now on camera with the cat watching Patreon mmm but I think that live-up is coming out Thursday right the Chuck said in a couple days Thursday he's got some magical wizardry cooking over there he

did the whole thing Chuck sat out there in the freezing cold no jacket filmed everything took photos did the audio the guys a goddamn Grand Wizard that's right he's good I was an ill tied yawn but yeah it was great wow I'm just exhausted I was out yesterday or last week whatever was we went through the live up I'm pitching a show to a network so I had to do that I had to do a podcast with Ron on I had to get up early to do something and it was just so stressful and driving back in the pouring rain those live podcast speaking of the what we're talking about you're stressed because you have nothing planned oh yeah it could just pull not a fat air

and you can just bomb every once like it's like being an athlete you're like I go for four with three strikeouts yeah you get the yips yeah so I definitely got the yips on the on the walk up the stairs to the stage ago you're gonna suck you're not gonna think of anything and I go what are you doing man you're you're supposed to be my brain why do you do that yeah I get that one my head it's the pillow hey remember that time you wet the bed in 88 you know and your dad's gay and your mom's weird and your brother sucks cock I don't know I get in the morning it's like someone threw a to-do list grenade into my face you wake up and

you're like all right well don't forget you gotta go for a run you gotta stretch you gotta buy your mother some pearls you gotta get your dad an anal bead sure you gotta work out and all that shit yeah that the to do this I wonder if I mean that's a cheesy joke but you're you're morning in the morning oh yeah I wonder if there's something there that probably not hmm but more you know you're a funeral and you're like this sucks and you know what else sucks getting up early I did write a I wrote a short called good morning about a guy whose wife dies hmm and he just starts fucking everybody it's good morning oh that's

good he's more he's like ah more and then he mourns he talks to women he's like I'm just so sad my wife is dead and she's like oh my god is there anything I can do and he's like well you keep me company yeah you blow that's good morning good morning would not mad I feel it feels very Larry David well he's the best yeah see the new curb yeah yeah I enjoyed it it was very long a little long a lot of setup a lot of setup but it was very good Albert Brooks is the great JB had like three lines I was crying laughing when he was interviewing Mary Mary Ferguson's I won't say why but I was like this is great setup this is

great writing this is great great premise yes all right now we're talking about TV shows let me just double check the camera make sure it's still video camera we got that our camera fucked up we still good all right you got a lot of space by the way recently I went on a phone diet like space just made space uh-huh feel great what do you mean you deleted videos I deleted all kinds of videos tons of photos then I deleted tons of voice memos oh that's what kills the phone you're I got years on there yes anything that's not labeled just delete delete delete delete delete delete because I'll label killer set all new

this is my album right if anything I don't label it wasn't memorable enough then you're like this is three years old I have when am I gonna listen to this that's true it's already a special now exactly the stuff's over so I delete and yet then you gotta go to permanently delete and it was like you know when you know when you look at your storage it's like this is like a sliver yes anyway oh yes now are you going delete delete I mean you taking the time and swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe yeah swipe left yeah I deleted tons of stuff freed up a ton of space and there's attachments videos I have so many videos

that are just like a slow mo of me like flicking my dick from one side of the other oh yeah I'd like to send send me that because like that's funny you don't get to go easy on the flick yeah you can't you know you flick you can see a flick yeah you don't want to nail it on that one but I've had some friends flick my dick before and I still haven't talked to him that was in like you know 71 I hate these dick flickers I never got it that's a bad breed never got it one time I was sitting there like this just like reading a comic book back in the 40s and my friend came up with a hot wheel track and just yeah got me right in the car

I saw red I killed his dad I freaked out brutal I know my uncle a couple years ago we were playing cornhole as always so I ever do in my family and he just whipped a bag a cornhole bag at my dick that's pretty good and I went you're a fucking jackal you fucking scumbag you fucking asshole it's always you doing this shit I mean I went crazy I was like fucking Earl Weaver just screaming at him and kicking dirt on his shins and everyone was like Jesus that was insane but I'm like you don't hit a dick what about was it ball it was ball yeah it was like a bad and that ball back you just it's like staggering it's so bad I

just don't get it I'm like that's your humor you're inflicting pain on me unsuspectedly yeah but it's all funny so it's it makes it funny because it's a stupid part no it's dangerous I mean you're fucking balls could swell up I can't jizz I could never have a child I mean it's just I don't get it yeah no it's not good it's not good quality humor it's no you know fluffy or Ralphie may but it's it's a quick jolt I guess but I don't like humor that's like wait so you're having a good time and I'm upset I'm hurt but let's say you flicked it at Ari and Ari went down and we're all laughing I feel awful that's a bully

that's called a bully that's called a bully but he's gonna be fine in two minutes maybe one thing if you cut his toe off and we all went ah you're like well the guy's missing a toe what are we in the mob here with my peshy I'm just like all right I'm going to fucking punch you in the face when you're not expecting it that's my humor that's funny to me that's what I think is funny interesting you got a big ugly juice now I'm like mad at Ari for something he didn't do I'm like you got a big ugly face I'm gonna fucking blast you with my fist it's gonna hurt and then but you'll get over it it won't hurt after a

while I guess but it's something funny you're about the balls I guess so but it's so sensitive it is I'd rather get punched in the face than punched in the balls now I take the balls yeah I don't think so I don't want either but you don't really get black balls now you get black bald that's true from you know saying everything everything was said in this podcast in this blue bold blue balls as you almost came black ball I don't know what the ectomology is or whatever that is I think you got it is that right yeah and what's the ectomology on ectomology good point I have a point Latin I think ah yes Latinx the Hispanic people how do

they get Latin I think we covered this word repeats yeah good point you know that was these Greek homos who are fucking each other in the ass and doing the Olympics and gymnastics and naked and mythology and then they made Latin and then we though it's all based on Latin everything comes back to Latin and then Latinos how do we get here good question maybe Spain Spain Europe Spain the Spaniards went to South America Latin America Spanish Conquerors like a match what's that good donkey hote ah doesn't sound right yeah forget I brought it up but yeah I like a roast because at least you can be like ah you hurt me but that

was clever right right yeah physical pay I have no interest in physical pain in sex or humor and I don't love it in movies you know like the three stooges I'm like ah this is this is boring to me exactly they're hitting each other I'm like that's terrible yeah I don't get it yeah and it you feel bad for the people but I guess it's cartoony where they go knock his nose off but it's not actually off I thought I was sports bloopers like look at these two guys they ran into each other I'm like that's terrible yeah that's funny it's not funny at all the guys injured I know and if they show a trailer for a comedy movie and the guy

gets hit hitting the balls by a rake immediately I'm like ah that's not gonna be great right it's gonna be a weak comedy but we gotta wrap this thing up here oh yeah we got what are you gonna be there fatty well big November I keep plugging it Portland Helium November 11th of the 13th that's next week and November 18th of the 20th Zany Chicago that's a big one big city love that city haven't been there a couple years bring in Matt Wayne get the tickets small room they'll sell out so please get some tickets and then Providence comedy connection over 25 and 26 or 26 27 whatever after Thanksgiving and join the

Patreon for God's sakes we got that live up there was recording another live up this Thursday at Skankfest in two days from now yeah there'll be two live apps including the one we just recorded with Sean Patton and Shane Gillis it's an hour and a half wall-to-wall laughs yes and thanks again to everyone that came out and everyone that's on the Patreon already we love you we appreciate it you're wonderful yeah and Chuck you should get Chuck going down to Rhode Island with you oh yeah a couple of film things on tape grief hot gay queues and then I'm gonna be in Vancouver Charlotte Atlanta

shit I got some other ones New Orleans Milwaukee so Mark Norman comedy.com check out our specials on YouTube subscribe to YouTube get on the Patreon buy a shirt we're we're cooking on a studio Shelby's nipping at the heels of some studio queues and yeah tell a friend and keep on keeping on praise Allah Georgia say cut it