Tuesdays with Stories! - #426 Rap Roots

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

Hey Hey Tuesgays, Mark and Joe are coming at you from a hotel room at Skankfest to hear about Mark's trip to Austin, Joe's hockey experience in Seattle, and much more. Check it out! Check out our NEW ...MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Better Help (betterhelp.com/tuesdays), Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), & Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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Starting point is 00:00:00 hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're in a hilton in houston a fine hilt very nice hotel we went to the spa there what you did yeah they got a steam room they got a
Starting point is 00:00:48 song is a steam room working to two seats the steam room and sauna wow oh I love you know me and steam oh yeah me and steam are like this oh yeah steam punk you should get a robe and head over there all right I'll get a Joe Robin and get up there yeah that wasn't looking very I can't see with this lamp here I know I can't see Peter it's a skankfest folks we're we're making it all work we got a live pod tonight with a bunch of fun drop-ins and we're making it work yeah it's exciting it's always weird and we probably talk about this every time we record at a festival it's probably you know Tony Hinchcliffe right next to it
Starting point is 00:01:29 like there's a wall here so somebody's just listening to us podcast and doesn't it feel embarrassing like putting a podcast out onto the podcast planet is whatever you're like a podcast but having someone here you record it is humiliating it's so true you know what it's like when you see these hot influencer ladies like going on the side of the road some assholes taking a photo and you're like you look like an idiot but then you see the photo you're like she's pretty hot yes what is that it just the seeing it happen is embarrassing it's the same with like hitting on a girl somebody's watching you it's it's
Starting point is 00:02:01 embarrassing yeah I had that too we made the movie and there's like people sitting around watching and just look silly cuz I'm like hi mom like we need to talk and you're like just it's gonna be better than this don't worry I know it's true it's humiliating and so apologies to whoever's next to especially when it's comics kills me they see right you know it's really embarrassing is when you're I write jokes out loud in my hotel what so yeah I go oh what's the deal with bedsheets you know and thread count whatever and then the joke might work on stage but if you actually saw the process you'd be like get rid of this guy
Starting point is 00:02:37 kill him string him up it's the same as like someone's seeing your notebook do you have a bigger fear in your life than somebody looking at your notebook and then we're gonna die but it's gonna be looking at our notebooks like I think my father's gay it's just pages of shit mine looks like grudens emails and then fucking what's his tits John the apatow just takes photos of fucking Shanling's thing and puts it on a movie I know he's lucky wasn't swastikas and nudes yeah I mean if somebody please for the love of Christ I mean you're my friend if I die stay away from my goddamn notebooks you don't put them on the
Starting point is 00:03:13 HBO max or whatever the fuck you don't want them in the Smithsonian or whatever no I don't want anything I don't want anyone look at my notebook because it's all just like maybe I'll put this in my ass you know my father's sexy on Wednesdays I just can't have it yeah no I'm with you I'm with you it's bad news I write horribly because my ex used to read them like oh what do you got here like she was trying to be supportive and so I write it in hieroglyphics and emojis all kinds of the shapes yeah I will do you find because sometimes I think I my brain is melting or I have Alzheimer's or whatever because when I'm
Starting point is 00:03:46 right but I think your brain thinks faster than your hand can move sure so I'll start writing and I'm like writing letters that don't even make sense I'm like I'm not even close to spelling this right yeah cuz I jump ahead and I'll just start writing shit and I have to like cross it out and rewrite it so I'll be able to read it yes yes it just a little humps after a while you know that's all it is it looks like Michael J. Fox got in there yeah little humps this is like that we're probably gonna get cancer at some point everyone gets it yeah it's such a bummer but did you know this did we talk about this in the
Starting point is 00:04:15 pot already for people that people that smoke for decades like a pack a day only like 20% of them will get cancer yeah they up those numbers it's but it's low that's what I'm saying I mean that's crazy like you think if you smoke you get cancer I mean don't get me wrong you get emphysema birth defects and sure stunted growth yellow teeth yeah you can get that anyways I find but you know it's not automatic you know cancer 80% 8 out of 10 don't get cancer that's pretty good you always hear about that old bag at the diner gone I smoked every day since I was one and I drink black coffee and whiskey and got fucked in the
Starting point is 00:04:52 ass and you go hey you look great yeah exactly so I drink black gum whoa man that's gotta be tough get my water over there you go yeah cancer we just had a friend's mom die and I was like how did how'd she go and everyone's like I don't know I didn't hear and I went I bet it was cancer got a call an hour later was cancer but you know that the number one killer is heart disease heart disease above cancer you never hear about heart disease yeah but it's like number one but cancer just because I think because there's so many cancer survivors so it's so had cancer they beat it they beat this they beat that it almost seems fun I
Starting point is 00:05:26 mean don't get me wrong knock on tits I don't want to get a cancer but it seems fun to be a survivor you have that card to play completely yeah I mean my mom was a cancer survivor and she never plays it I'm like play it you crazy goose get it out there deal them up I mean I'd be like what movie do you guys want to see well I'm a cancer survivor so we're gonna go see you know Scorsese or whatever this list yeah norm I mean there's another guy never played it never even mentioned it once best friends family the whole thing nothing very strange I watched a video I don't know if I told you this it was like called the day in the
Starting point is 00:05:58 life of norm it's him in a shitbox apartment on his laptop doing like bets and his mom will bring him like a cheese sandwich and then that was the whole thing oh that's fun it seemed like he was in heaven but I was like man this is a comedian right here it's such a bummer Jerry Remy was like the Red Sox a color analyst for my entire life looks exactly like my dad same accent same face wow I gotta show you a photo please dad you're gonna shit Steve list not much of a talker no not it wouldn't be a good gig for him no no you know what I hate was when you do the face ID and you don't have your face available cuz I got a
Starting point is 00:06:36 microphone yeah it pauses for a long time before it gives you the numbers up right right I hate the boss face look at that on the bottom oh that's not you at all my dad my dad that's your dad doesn't it look like my dad a little bit look like an Asian version now you don't know what my dad looks like I guess dad on that that guy's a little puffy he's puffy puff daddy that's my puff dad yeah my puff dad look at that yeah I don't know that guy looks like Arnold from a happy day you don't know what you're talking about this is what my dad looks like that was Pat marita that's my dad crazy Steve list shout out it's
Starting point is 00:07:13 unbelievable well he's my dad he's my butler he's my dad I know what my dad looks like I mean that is dead on that's confusing I show people they're like what that's your dad I gotta pull the picture of Steve well I'm not gonna show the people play by play we'll just show me I don't have no they've got them on zoom I don't have a photo of my dad I don't know if I would either yeah I don't got any photos of my dad but whatever just trust me it's not a great story anyways but but he died it was so somebody had like cancer like nine times it was like his ninth battle yes whoa yeah just kept coming back but
Starting point is 00:07:44 he was a smoker and the whole thing and he came out a couple weeks ago with the oxygen tank once they have the oxygen that's it it done nobody is like I used to have an oxygen tank right now I don't it seems like it's weird that you can't beat cancer like if you smoke you ruin your lungs but wouldn't it be nice if you could smoke and ruin cancer hmm you see what I'm saying why can't cancer be killed by bad shit that's kind of like carlin had that bit about the cancer eats the other cancer the more cancer you got the healthier you are remember that bit no I don't remember that one that was the one get yourself a bowl of broccoli
Starting point is 00:08:14 oh yeah there you go the more cancer you have the healthy because the cancer of big cancer will eat the little cancer so right right well like you think you drink it away like I'll booze is poison I'll poison my cancer kill it well that's what chemo is this is poison yes no no your tits fall off and your dick gets bigger or whatever happens keep it sounds very unpleasant I think the incredible Hulk got chemo was that what that was I don't know I never saw that I don't care for that kind of business the green guy yeah I really don't I don't give a shit yeah I get it he's green and there's been like nine of them too many
Starting point is 00:08:47 hulks green hulks Ed Norton Jim Norton Ken Norton this is a bunch of Norton's run around Norton antivirus they're everywhere I know you're right there's a lot of Hulk they get a thing they did 12 Spider-Man's dude they did 9 Batman and 14 Avengers and I think we're talking about this before also but it's like it doesn't all be an origin we understand who Spider-Man is why do they have to have a kid get bit by a snake and turn into a Spider-Man just go alright the Spider-Man he's here he's clear every time it's Batman he's like okay this guy knows karate his father getting shot I
Starting point is 00:09:19 understand I know Batman I've heard of Batman yeah Robin's gay he laid an egg we got it moving along just show him beating up the bad guys exactly pow bam boom who gives a shit that Nolan did a good job yeah that was fun man look at the pant legs this is quite a thing I'm nervous about walking to the gig we'll walk together I might have to because you know I've had several incidences Salt Lake City Austin there's homeless people everywhere you got to walk under a highway nothing good has ever happened under a highway I made the walk last night I remember the highway I think you might have had too much sauce
Starting point is 00:09:52 and less I'm crazy and and Sarah's from here she got robbed at gunpoint here like 20 years ago really she's like people get mugged at gunpoint don't I always think this is funny I know there's gonna be a bit people like don't bring cash don't bring a lot of cash yeah I don't care about the cat the trauma is getting mugged right so it's like it's not like they know how much cash I have the thing sucks is the person like putting a gun in your face and saying give you your money I don't care I'm like oh and I lost $100 right yeah my parents always say because it was inevitable you're getting mugged in my neighborhood as a kid and
Starting point is 00:10:24 they're like just give them the stuff that things aren't worth anything I'm like it's not about that it's about me crying getting called a homo while being kicked in the balls exactly they tie you up and kick you in the asshole and I'm like well I only lost 10 bucks right I actually got mugged three times in New York when I moved here and I was shit-faced every time and I'm so glad because I didn't deal with the the mental trauma right because I was out in a blackout yeah it's funny I've been mugged or chased or accosted a bunch and every time you're like this is awful I don't care about the money I'll get the
Starting point is 00:10:54 guy a thousand dollars to not mug me yes here here there you go take it you read gunpoint never gunpoint I don't know if I have either I had a Tom Dustin and Shay Moss got robbed at gunpoint outside while I was inside story oh it's great Tom Dustin was like I got 20 bucks shoot me for it guy and then they ripped Shane's pants off they like grabbed his head like old pants right and they just grabbed his pocket and pulled it just like ripped his jeans down like a fucking basketball player taking the court the breakaways but that was back when we were just insanely poor like pants were 15 years old you had $11 in your pocket
Starting point is 00:11:29 you spent all of it on beer maybe you got a hit a weed at some point and you had like a Taco Bell $1 soft taco yeah exactly and you didn't have a smart phone no maybe you had a flip phone but even then you had like a house phone in your pocket yeah that's true at a landline do you remember my old phone had a plan on it where if you send me a text it was 10 cents and so I was so broken my friends would send me text over and over going hey blow me fuck you kill yourself I'm like you kill me I can't afford this right I hate the group text earlier today I shot a little sketch video a couple weeks ago be out
Starting point is 00:12:04 by the time this comes out oh yeah it was fun but I'm showing Sarah I'm like check it out what do you think and you and Chuck and me were on a group text and it was just kept coming down you're watching the video and I'm like fuck but you guys don't know you're just saying whatever but you're just trying to watch a movie and it's like hey what it was you Wednesday I don't know about Wednesday I'm not good and I'm like fuck your mother hard in the ass I get that with the jerking I'm watching porn hub all the sudden my Aunt Sylvia's texted me about Christmas I'm like hey hey cool it who's yeah sex Sylvie yeah I gotta I gotta
Starting point is 00:12:38 change my settings so where it doesn't drop down during a porn I hate the drop-down hate a drop and my phone is broken you know when you do this and the video convert it won't convert oh is it on locked maybe because when you go to this thing I just learned this see this thing you go to that I don't know what it is exactly but mine's unlike it's a lot you can lock it's a lot Jerry it makes sense because it's got a little arrow going twisty yeah it won't do that I just learned this that's good that might be it passing it on that's what it is you got to go click that thing I was scared to bring it up because it seems
Starting point is 00:13:12 stupid but now you fixed it yeah I was just I was out there with Derek my best pal and his wife who's my other pal where we're good buddy they put the thing on the kids are like my niece and nephew you know they named him Joe after me and it's just so sweet we have quite a relationship I feel special there that is nice they love me I love them it's just delightful you're the fun uncle I'm fungal they call me fungal earnestly wow like hey fungal Joe what my nephew I hate to be like to make this into kids say the darndest thing but he's five we're sitting there this is the most adorable thing I've ever heard he goes I know
Starting point is 00:13:43 this is gonna be a hard question but I know you move your mouth but how do you talk he said he said that he said that's adorable that's a good question I said well there's little corn it's like a guitar and they vibrate and that's how the noise happens and he goes that's great he's showing the silent re I didn't want to bring up the silent re he doesn't need to know about the re no re he's too young for the re or the her pee yeah it's you know you don't want to bring that stuff up or cancer any that stuff but then he put this to me he's like who do you like better mom or dad they're both right there and it's hard because you're
Starting point is 00:14:13 like what are you kidding me yeah I'd shit in her mouth I don't care about this woman don't count killer in front of him but I'm kidding of course I love nice lady to never matter or have I I don't think so she was at the wedding but I don't know if you went around handing I think I dated her once glad handing no she's tremendous but you have to go of course I love them both shame very equal that's the move but you know you're like I love him well I love my wife what are you shitting me yeah why do kids do that because I see that with my mom like come on who do you like better me or the brother and she'd be like shut up kill
Starting point is 00:14:45 yourself and I'm like come on you can tell me well that one there's definitely a preference oh yeah and you got to keep it you have to say I love because but the kid that means the kids thinking about it of course well how could you not he's like hmm I don't know that's why it's fun to be an uncle because the uncle you're like I'm above both these because they're always going get down sit down what are you doing you can't eat that I'm just like handing them chocolate I'm shoving cinnamon rolls in his asshole there you go it's fantastic I mean I'm just winning there's nothing I don't have to discipline anybody it's fantastic
Starting point is 00:15:14 it's the best gig you can spoil him you always do that I'm gonna spoil the hell out of these kids oh it's great yeah it's nice all right yeah it's a people rank that's what we do like you ever leave a comedy show after like a seller set and they go I like the third guy I like the second guy the best oh the girl sucked every single person does that it's a natural thing but we all do that top 10 movies movies is good and that you compare movies that aren't even have nothing to do with each other yeah goodfellas is better than Jaws exactly we do with comics we do with lists Schindler's list Joe list all the top
Starting point is 00:15:46 10 list yeah people like a list they like it well the list thing has become a way to keep the audience there stay tuned for number one right and then it gets everyone Matt gets them talking it's all algorithm shit yeah how dare you say that fucking you know porkies is better than midnight run right right not to go back to the kid thing but it is interesting how kids would you trade adult the adult world is dark you know we fuck we jizz in our hands we make out we've we we spit in each other's faces we have racial tensions those are all good things well either way you got the I'm talking about the herpes gonorrhea
Starting point is 00:16:29 whatever it is death cancer yes and kids don't really know about all that stuff but they also don't know about all the other fun they don't know about heroin booze and coke and anal sex yeah so it's a toss up yeah it's nice being a kid but the other thing everyone I remember like adults would say this and mr. loopy and my health teacher in seventh grade big loop he was loopy he said to me it was so nice he's like people are gonna tell you it sucks being an adult being a kid is the best you know how you got good you have it he's like they're full of baloney he had to say baloney yeah he's like I'm gonna do whatever I want to do
Starting point is 00:17:04 I want to say that to kids I'm like I don't ask anybody permission for anything I eat cinnamon rolls every morning I got cigars I take my wife's heels and shove them right my asshole yes she leaves the house yes I do whatever I want to do I know but there's negatives of course there's negatives about cholesterol you know about tech check fraud and you know identity theft well now I'm 40 I chipotle I'm fucked up for like three days my throat's all scratch burns it hurts and like I said cholesterol blood pressure all that shit you gotta be like oh god I'm gonna die I should not do that and a
Starting point is 00:17:40 kid a kid can just drink motor oil but conversely they're also allergic to shit if this kid gets a peanut on his shoe blows up like a balloon and dies is that right yeah he's a peanut kid I feel like you got to put more peanuts in his dick just to get him in there I'm telling you they die wow it's crazy isn't that weird how allergies kind of that wasn't around in the 80s and now it's just everybody yeah it's strange same a trans it's just like what the hell happened over here to the trans bomb and autism I get we watched Rain Man and not to get to into Derek's family but he's got a relative who's autistic like very
Starting point is 00:18:18 similar to Rain Man that font level numbers I don't know that yes he knows if you tell him is your birthday he knows what day you were born on wow yeah he's got that he memorized everything number he's very similar to Rain Man I would never run out of things to ask that guy I would just sit him down give him a Heath bar and go to town he's fun he's fascinating he's funny he's a funny guy but you're like I don't have a kid he's not my I know him but like I don't I'm not related to but I'd be so insulted by these people that's like I'm on the spectrum so I'm like spectrum I'm like he can't stop masturbating at the airport
Starting point is 00:18:51 right you know what do you do you blink a couple times or you need the light to be dim or you're anxious there at parties I'm autistic ah no people said to me they're like ah you're autistic they call us autistic and I'm like what are you insane I'm like a smart person I'm like social and I get called one guy called me a sociopath I'm like well that hurt my feelings so isn't that proof enough that I'm not yes I was a sociopath that I would just be I would walk right through that yeah it's just like we're just a little off we're cookie yeah it's like autistic I'm like what are you saying but all these
Starting point is 00:19:26 people are like spectrum this and I don't want to sound like some crazy old back in my day no but I'm like this guy is I don't want to be this yeah I mean it's crazy yeah he's a mutant yeah he's not he's not like doing well he's totally yeah that's a different day we do with everything now we go he's a Nazi and you're like well he's actually a big fat Jew and his dad was in the Holocaust but he's a Nazi and he's a racist and he's a pedophile you're like what do you talk about a guy fucked a 25-year-old he's a pedophile we go all the way now it's exactly it's the same with like the word violence that's
Starting point is 00:20:00 violence you're like it's literally not violent like if you're not at this parade you're violent I'm like do you understand the word violence I'm confused and then silence is violent so what does that mean for the library they're like yes silence is violence like no it's not no it's not that's the library is a riot exactly and then if some guys some right-wing cook tries to speak at a college they shut him down you're like wasn't that silencing him isn't taking my left Twitter silencing so that silencing is okay what about a silencer on a gun that could be violent I don't want to get to down this all right
Starting point is 00:20:37 rabbit shit but any jazz but so I got some Seattle stuff I throw right at you Oh play I got Portland so we're in the same ball oh that's so where we were right down the street from each other same ball bag it's funny yeah because you're like three hours feels far but close it's close I mean but then you're like I'm not going three hours that's far enough yeah yeah that we drove from Austin to Houston yesterday and it it wasn't bad yeah that's a fun ride that's everything just easier here but anyways I went to Seattle the Seattle Kraken game this is a new hockey team very exciting my Kraken just Kraken no Mick Kraken I don't
Starting point is 00:21:14 feel about that it's a sea monster oh the Kraken release the Kraken that's the big thing they got a fun logo it's like an S but it's a monster-y thing these people do the logos are unbelievable my aunt's a sea monster like Conti main yeah okay but wait what's the logo is it a big wormy tremor thing well it's an S but it looks like a dragon it's like a crack it's an S Kraken's Kraken I thought Kraken was Scotland and the Loch Ness and all those freaks over there I didn't think we were dealing with that shit I think Seattle similar it rains I don't know give us a manatee or a porpoise I don't know something in the in the
Starting point is 00:21:50 vicinity well I don't know what the purpose of the porpoise of that I fucked up my own what would be the porpoise of that there you go I'm shitting my mouth damn it I'll be a homo all right but I don't know I think that sea it's very nautical it's gonna be a monster you can't have a porpoise you're a hockey team well I got the penguins that's a good point but that's from like 1968 or whatever that was a thing back then they're in a tuxedo they don't they can't fly and it's ice it's ice makes sense I don't know nowadays how about a polar bear well they're almost extinct and that's not
Starting point is 00:22:24 in Seattle either you got more cracking than you got polar bears no Kraken ain't real a polar bears won't be real about ten minutes they're going down hard but that's a Coca-Cola well I liked because one of the names that was thrown out there was the sockeyes which is a sockeye salmon they have the salmon run like a soccer like a black eye a sockeye I like it how much better is Seattle sockeye and you can have a fish with a black eye exactly made a fake logo and I thought it was gonna be the sock we all decided on the sockeyes they went with Kraken sockeye but they're I guess they're cracking down but I went to the hockey
Starting point is 00:22:57 game and it's adorable to see a new franchise I'm from New England so we have all the oldest franchises the Bruins are from the original six teams the Red Sox from 1872 the Patriots 1960 so not that old but and then the Celtics of course so we're like old-school tradition the whole thing yeah but these new franchises they try to have like a tradition this is what we do and it's funny when you're there because it's like the third game ever right and so they're doing these things where they're like I'll start the sentence you finish it it's time for a Kraken and like a third the crowd's like power play like
Starting point is 00:23:35 they don't know they're just like it's not like a thing where it's like that's what we do they're trying to build it and then they just there's a whole bunch of things that were funny one of the things they say is welcome to the loudest arena in the NHL and you're like how can you claim that you're brand new it's like this it's the third game literally yeah it's like saying you're the hottest kid it's like saying well like it's how they do like world's famous pizza right nobody knows who you are yeah this is a marketing thing it's almost like a religion you know we're like oh Catholicism it's been around Jews we got
Starting point is 00:24:03 it but then when they're like Scientology you're like I don't know who's who's Elron this feels shady but they're all shady but this one's new his boy Elron I liked it yeah just fun it was a futuristic Flintstones yeah Flintstones was better I guess the jokes were better on Flintstones weren't they well Flint stones at a laugh track which was kooky for a cartoon yeah but I really like the elephant was the shower that's classic yeah the he would open the under the sink it was a bird eating the trash mm-hmm that was fun that's a good gig yeah they were good bam bam hit the lady yeah Barney Barney at a hot wife they both
Starting point is 00:24:41 that hot wives it's the honeymooners that's what it is yeah Norton back to Norton the hitting your wife was comedy in the 50s yeah you would go hey you crazy whore and she would go oh Ernie or whatever it's hard because like I was just talking about this with Sarah her mom like I was watching used cars you watch that movie the Kurt Russell movie from 1980 never seen it it's Robert Zemeckis first movie I believe it's very funny you'll enjoy it it's like an 80s comedy with like a car chase and tits but there's a scene where like the woman is like they're doing a used car commercial and like the hood flies up and
Starting point is 00:25:16 it rips her dress off and she's just naked and then a guy runs up and just squeezing her tits and all the guys are like fighting for the remote and stuff and you're like it's hilarious yeah and then I'm talking to a woman she's like wow that's offensive and I'm like I know but that's what makes it funny exactly that that was acceptable of course it's like doubly funny it's a funny gag it's also funny that in 1980 it was like that's funny that's funny yeah well rape her a little bit it's like an airplane when they're all freaking out on the plane then the woman's just tits come out remember that yeah like amazing
Starting point is 00:25:45 tits she's super hot but it was just that was funny this tits well that's the thing I'm like no I ended like that's probably why all these men were so shitty to women and I'm like I don't disagree but that's what makes it funny now in hindsight that's why I like that's don't you see why that's funny it's like this is a horrible thing to depict of course which is funny that's why I mean look at Chappelle doing the homeless guy with the crackhead he's doing this shit he's got the white lips like that's horrible it's mean this guy's homeless he's a drug addict he's a poor and down and out but you make fun of him yes it's
Starting point is 00:26:15 comedy we're making fun of him but any tits yeah so we go to the hockey game how'd I get to use cars I have no idea tits when a whole rig of my roll around tits and anal yeah sex I can't remember but they do that so like there's all these little growing pains at the hockey game and first you ever have this I'm just a cunt of a person I guess but there's like a guy behind me and so a lot of people in Seattle they never had a hockey team but obviously some people watch hockey because whatever but the guy was like hockey virtue signaling out loud does that make sense give me an exam well he's just saying very obvious
Starting point is 00:26:52 things out loud and it feels like he's just like I know this game like he's like oh we got a delayed penalty here I could sit the ref's got his arm up delayed penalty stuff that you would never say it sounds like he's feeling dead air you would just watch it like but he's just letting people know I know what's happening right he's like they're gonna pull the goalie keep an eye out for the goalie like I'm like who are you talking to it sounds like you're just letting everyone in the section know that you understand the game this is what's for you call yourself a cunt but I call this a good observation I think it is a good
Starting point is 00:27:23 observation he kept saying he's like there he goes goalies out it's up to goalies out but like he's not rooting for the team no no he's just letting us know I'm like you just want to go that's great terrific isn't that what they do hey top of the ninth bases loaded I mean you're just telling us what's happening but that's the analyst this is a guy in the stands oh I thought he was on the mic no this is a dead air I thought he was trying to say no no this is a fucking Tom Dick and Harry fuck that guy he sucks he's just in the arena going oh that's a slash that's two minutes he's gonna be in the box for two
Starting point is 00:27:55 minutes literally he's saying things like that wow you must have hated that guy but he's not talking to his wife would be one thing if he was like so he'll go go in the box like she's like tell me what the game pop or whatever yeah yeah he's yelling that out loud that is weird I'm like you suck I kind of get it because you ever know I was at a football game in Wisconsin and there's nothing to do is he just start going here we go here we go boys yeah and my friends like it's halftime what are you doing oh shit it's alright but you just feel stupid sitting there quietly sometimes yeah I suppose but this is
Starting point is 00:28:24 another level of chatting out loud to no one yeah just letting people know he knows but whatever little hustle out there come on here we go but that's rooting I was rooting rooting I get a root I love to root yes even root I root through trash sometimes sure hey I've grass roots the roots the band root beer the guy with the pick there oh yeah quest quest love there it is at the table with him at the cellar one time he's got a big afro it was very out of place it was like quest love Chris Rock Tracy Morgan and Kevin Hart and me I swear to God and I'm just like this you were the token yeah they're just talking
Starting point is 00:29:02 about you know Ferraris or whatever and I'm like this yeah the Kraken I was yeah but anyway I was like stuck in the corner if I was on the outs I would have been like I'll see myself out but you're like stuck in there at that table sometimes right now I get it so how was the game did they win the Kraken Kraken one good game but there's a couple other things real quick I'll never bother you again but so one thing is there there's all the like I said just growing pains they're like look up to the big Tron or the megatron whatever the fuck it's called for the Kraken save of the game and they show it and you know it's
Starting point is 00:29:37 exciting like let's see the save of the game the guy in the golden misses the puck it hits the post they're like here's the save of the day the puck goes under his pad hits the post and rims out they just showed a non say like that's literally not a save yeah but they're like it's the save of the game like it's just funny stuff it makes you it's like a minor league team or something you're like what they're working the bugs out it's hilarious and then this guy had two goals in the game of course three is a hat trick so everyone's like maybe we'll see a hat trick and a guy it's like an empty net goal he fires it down the end
Starting point is 00:30:08 of the ice scores and three people just fire their hats out on the ice and I'm like that wasn't the guy it wasn't a hat trick it's just like these three idiots they're all hyped up to be like this yeah I did it just throw it like I think they didn't understand hat tricks right so I'm like you just threw a $50 hat under the ice that's not a good hat trick and then you're just like that they must feel like such dipshit to be like this all right I think they're trying to get pumped up with the new team I guess it's like that Connecticut team with the mob guy who bought a team they're all you got you got to come out swinging with
Starting point is 00:30:40 you the new guy you got to do something but yeah it was but there might have been one other example that I thought was hilarious I take some notes and then I'll just shove a new things are hard you know the new restaurant you got to have the grand opening the new nightclub you got to really pop out of the gate or else it just fizzles yeah and it was great I mean it was packed and the arena is like all nice and it's all about climate change because Amazon bought it it's climate change arena or whatever and there's plants and it's fun right right but it's one of these new hip plate I hate this hipster shit oh yeah I'm like
Starting point is 00:31:13 where do I get a hot dog and tater tots yes it's there's a vegan restaurant the size of Rhode Island in there give me my don't I don't want to keen while in the ice it's like we got a $14 IPA with orange peels I'm like give me a Coca Cola a french fry and a hot dog if it ain't broke clefs it's just all this super duper shit but yeah yeah get a protein pack and a vegan massage get out of here jizz in my face all right we got a bunch of sponsors of course and you don't have your phone because we're filming on it so maybe I'll toss it over that's it over you do want I'll do the next all right great folks we got some great sponsors
Starting point is 00:31:54 that we love Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by better help online therapy wait don't we do this at the end now ah fuck it Tuesdays with stories is sponsored by better help online therapy the idea of needing therapy can be scary but look at it this way we get oil changes for our cars to prevent bigger issues down the road we sure do I need one actually we do chores regularly to avoid a messy house I don't do that therapy is the same exact thing but for your mental health it's tune up time right now so go out there and get yourself a therapist I love therapy we
Starting point is 00:32:27 have Alan you love him love Al big Al going to therapy doesn't mean something's wrong with you it means you're investing in yourself to keep your mind healthy tell me how to do it there Marcus hey folks better help is customized therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can start communicating with your therapist in under 48 hours wow why invest in everything else and not your mind just for our listeners get 10% off their first month at better help comm
Starting point is 00:32:59 slash Tuesdays that's B E T T E R H E L P dot com slash Tuesdays take control of your life and get the help you deserve with better help and Tuesdays stories also brought to you by she's under but she's take over you don't even need anything for she there it is if you're listening at home Mark is showing his underwear band and it is a she's pair of panties that's all I wear now thank you she yeah we love she's I mean you know all about she they these underwear they're not only supportive they keep your balls off your leg there's two pouches one for your dick one for your balls she isn't just for men by the way my wife loves it
Starting point is 00:33:38 as well she's got a sports bra she's got a pair of panties that really turn me on yes for all you ladygays and I know you're out there get a go to she now has sports bras bikini briefs and boy shorts and the idea of she's as you know came from its founder US Army soldier Robert Patton who's here in Houston for the festival my god that was during his second tour in Iraq he supports this awesome veteran owned company whose founders of Tuesdays himself and a big comedy fan go to she's underwear dot com and order with promo code Tuesdays to get 20% off your first order and she's underwear 100% money back guarantee
Starting point is 00:34:10 that she's underwear dot com promo code Tuesdays get she's underwear and let them support your balls and blue chew you know the B.C. what where will we be without blue chew keep it in your pocket chewable works fast never fails love it get it if you're going on dates if you're on the apps get the blue chew just in case you can't get it going and it'll save your life and relationship that's right no doctors officer waiting in line blue chew is an online prescription service you can talk to a licensed medical provider and get a prescription online blue chew makes everything in the U.S.A. we love America so if you could
Starting point is 00:34:50 benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform blue chew can help special offer just for the gaze visit blue chew dot com and get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code Tuesdays just pay five dollars shipping again that's B.L.U.E. chew dot com and promo code Tuesdays to try it for free visit blue chew dot com for more details and important safety information we thank blue chew for supporting this podcast here here all right give me some give me some Portland one of my favorite town I don't know why I said that I like Portland find well I'll tell you it's gone down the
Starting point is 00:35:23 shitter quick because sounds like the hobo situation was but what about in the neighborhood of the club and hotel the club's okay but you go two blocks and the club's fucked or that area is fucked and the hotel was all right the hotel was nice but whoo boy we walked around a little else go to voodoo doughnuts let's fucking live it up in Portland the walk there was like the walking dead I mean it was just crack pipe and you see the needles going in and whoever whoever's working at REI is cleaning up because it's all tents it's all camping gear and little kitchenettes out there and this you see I was with my opener Ari man as
Starting point is 00:36:02 it is like what's that human shit you're like Jesus Christ it's a whole nother world over there I don't know what that city used to be cute and residential and weird and kooky it is just free for all I'm dreading it because I got Derek and his kids are coming down I'm gonna you know forget tell us someone how to talk they're gonna be like how do you shit on the street I know I go to the Pearl District that's Pearl that's the cool old spot in town it's got a ton of new restaurants ton of bars safe but boy you go by any overpass and it's a it's a shit show I hate that I know and it used to not be like that it's weird to leave a
Starting point is 00:36:39 town I performed there for seven years in a row and then come back one day and it's weird like it's weird to see it flip it's like a Chappelle talks about DC's like it's like a crack bomb went off that's what it feels like exactly I hate it I'm like I'm sorry I'm an empathetic guy I care I'm compassionate but I'm like I don't want to deal with it these people are nuts and then they you they know you have money they need money right I'm shocked we didn't get jumped but it's weird because they always say well it's the pandemic the pandemic I'm like so what do you mean some guys restaurant goes belly up and now he's on the
Starting point is 00:37:12 street doing crack I don't buy that yeah I don't know what's going on else because it's a lot of schizophrenia and AIDS and you know scurvy out there so who the hell knows but don't go to certain areas because it is wild yeah god what about the walk from the hotel to the club I would take the shuttle as a shuttle yeah it's like a four-minute drive or a 20 minute walk so take the shuttle okay the guy's nice sometimes I like when it's a distance like here the club is three blocks away and I'm like I wish it was 10 so I could take a lift and not be like hey what are you pussy yeah yeah it's weird too about the the jump because you
Starting point is 00:37:49 get a cost everywhere you go I think because it's on your your noggin I don't think I walked home at four in the morning last night you know tuned up with a couple of high balls and nothing but you're like head on a swivel and then they get you it's probably nothing I mean there's probably nothing but that's the fact that Sarah's like oh I people get mugged down there I wouldn't even be thinking about me with this it's like a boner once it's in your head you can't get it yeah I suppose so all right well I feel my mouth and they stay right in there so they come I appreciate that by the way but no problem I my ex had a
Starting point is 00:38:20 chihuahua and this dog was a cunt it was a come go I hated that everybody was yappy and queefy yeah and she would pick it up and rock it like a little bitch and I was like oh man it's nips were up in the air his little feet were dangling and I can't be that thing let me try that you go because it could feel me yeah feel my nerves and it hated me yeah I know that feeling the dogs the dogs and the homeless they all hate me yes yes and they're both foaming at the mouth well I'm just traumatized I had those two Austin guys really fucked me I get it terrified I get it but I had that in Boston two years ago when I was a kid but
Starting point is 00:38:53 here's the clinker the club the club is great the shows are great the crowds are great and if you make fun of Portland being fucked up they're like yes the outsider comes in and tells us what's what and they love it right yeah that's fun but the club was good you're gonna have a blast I can't wait I'm there this weekend yeah this weekend November 11th to the 13th come on out folks we are whizzing and whazzin all over this God's green creation here up and down left and right I know it's why I go Portland Helium Chicago Zainis Providence comedy connection then I'm doing a show in Berlin shooting a special I'm in
Starting point is 00:39:28 Cleveland for a one night or two yeah Royal Oak Cleveland with Louie doing a one night on my own hilarities I can't wait jet set yes feels good yeah so oh how about this so we on the walk to voodoo donuts we're like Bob and weaving these nutjobs and this guy jumps out of a bar tattoos of leather vest the whole thing big boots bracelets chain wallet he goes Mark Norman I go huh and he goes we're doing an open mic right now you gotta come in I was like ah you know your first instinct is to go get out of here I'm on it's it's four o'clock I got a show I gotta save it and he's like come on I go alright and I go up and I eat
Starting point is 00:40:06 shit for two minutes that I got off stage that's hilarious but it wasn't an arcade was it no it was a shit box dive bar okay because one time I was there years ago with Louie on the big tour pre-cancellation and we were doing all these bar shows don't mind we went to a arcade I probably told us during the podcast and soda was there because he was at the club oh and we were like this is gonna be a nightmare but we'll just do it and then Louie went on so everybody crowded around and got all excited and then he finished and everybody went back to playing video game I just ate shit while everyone was playing you know
Starting point is 00:40:36 Gallagher of course I did two minutes and I could see people in the crowd going and then I got off no one laughed and they also gonna get a photo I was like all right yeah that's comedy that's what happens you become like a celebrity they don't even want to hear you anymore I just want a piece here I don't hear me either but like don't don't say hey come on in and then you know it's gonna suck but I get it he he was a nice guy but the shows were great everything was fun and then what the hell did I do that then we went back to New York yeah and then you came here we did we came to Texas and me Shane and
Starting point is 00:41:14 Ari did Rogan together what is this understated give me a give me the good I was going to hell I felt like I forgot something but either way we we fly Ari set the whole thing up you got to hand it to this big he but he really figured it all out he knows what he's doing he really knows how to set up some fun yes so he had this big idea to do a secret show in front of skankfest I lost Stan Hope you know at Montreal just for spite there you go and Ari set up this show and he was like I'm gonna get Rogan out there Stan Hope maybe a tell nobody shows up I'm the secret guest which is a big bummer but he's like well do Rogan
Starting point is 00:41:51 on Tuesday I was like oh great he set up the flights he booked the flights he's like give me your frequent flyer numbers all that shit he handles everything wow and I go give me let me give you some money goes out of the club will pay for it or Rogan will pay like all right he should just be an agent he should he's got the face he's not funny I mean it would work he's got it all so any 61 he's seen everything I think he booked a new heart yes I'm him to wrap up probably life I mean yeah so we go down we do rogue we have to get tested the nurse was insanely hot but yes I know that nurse oh that was cute yeah thank you so we go
Starting point is 00:42:28 there we got to go an antibodies test we get the test I had like barely any Rogan's got a thick fat piece and he made fun of all of us and then we I didn't realize we went straight to JFK me and Ari shared an Uber and then you get on a flight for four hours where you take a nap then you land in Austin you go straight to Rogan's and you go right on the pod so I haven't eaten so right when we sit out it's like 4 p.m. we haven't eaten Shane hasn't eaten Rogan pours us eight whiskies and Shane's got a box of Bud lights the joints going around by 428 I'm on the floor oh god and you're on the biggest podcast in America going
Starting point is 00:43:03 I'll tell you who sucks at this and she's bad and he's gay and it just went flying we did a lot of editing you lose your wits yes wits I think about that with you know what to this you know what dudes out there from 2002 and I'm just shithouse being like I'll tell you about these Native Americans whatever it's like an NWA lyric out there I just hiccuped I heard something cute no it was insane but we just had a ball and you know it's just poofs of smoke and Rogan and we're making fun of Ari and Shane's fat and it was just a great time and Jamo's laughing over there you know and we had a hoot and a holler and then we
Starting point is 00:43:45 got out of there we're like wow we are banged up went to the secret group did shows oh no that was the next day what oh we went to the Vulcan glass and open for uh Rogan oh fun oh yeah I saw Shane downstairs he was telling me yeah looking glad that's a cool looking gas looking gas that's cool too very cool sold out looked like an old like a bloodsport movie you know they're all hanging over the rafters waving money and that's great and you know Tony's there and Adam from the comedy store and Kim Kong then it was a good good hang good group Rogan gets all this food so we realized we have no place to stay we
Starting point is 00:44:22 never booked a hotel what and I was like I bet Rogan will let us stay at his place so I brought it up on the pod oh and he goes oh my wife's not gonna like that I said well I like kids I'll touch your daughters and all this and he was like now I'm definitely not letting you stay over so we get to the club and now it's like we did the show we're hanging out we're all drinking more and mushrooms start going around I mean it got pretty wild and we go yeah we still have a place to stay and he goes hold on yep uh-huh all right you got three rooms at the line hotel it's like the hip hotel in town God he's got pull God
Starting point is 00:45:01 you want to be rich so bad I know not rich like I we're doing well oh I want like rich oh yeah we are like I rented out three floors so no one will bother you exactly he's got that the disposable in so in my ass so we go there and then we leave and now it's like two in the morning he's like I gotta go home but tomorrow I'll pick you up and we'll go check out my new club oh yeah but the club can't give away any spoilers any secrets but it is gonna be a doozy really oh my can you tell me how many seats three four five six I don't know what I'm allowed to disclose okay okay isn't a great location it is in a cool ass old
Starting point is 00:45:42 theater and it is badass wow okay old theater that gives me a little hint yeah couple of very store s like the darkness and the red lighting and all that shit so that Austin it's about to really get cooking well I hope they take care of their homeless is that what's going on down there apparently a Rogan's got a red phone in his room and he goes hey I saw one hobo and they go kill him oh my red phone yeah I think they're I think they're handling it wow I don't know what we're gonna do we gotta get a big snow plow through America and just pick up all the hobos hold on it's one of those things you're like I don't want to know
Starting point is 00:46:20 just take care of it don't tell me anything else just scoop them up and send them to Canada or whatever you do but well there's a guy in New York he's a guardian angel remember them oh yeah I know that guy yeah that guy he said we should take them all and put them in a work camp in Westchester and everybody goes what are you crazy but he starts shower you go give me some give some structure we'd probably build some some railroads or whatever they do yeah it's hard to say I mean I heard that I went to two Pearl Jam shows in Seattle a few years ago sold out stadiums safe go feel whatever the fuck it's called now hmm
Starting point is 00:46:50 all the money was going to the homeless and I come back three years later and it's worse it's worth where's his money going I don't understand how I don't have the solution so I don't know but someone told me that they have enough money in the homeless fund that they could give each of them $40,000 wow let's try that fuck it we'll raise some more money after they'll burn that in a week see Elon Musk came on TV or whatever you do now and he goes I am willing to give nine billion dollars to homelessness to stop world hunger that's what he said nine billion but I want it to know exactly where every penny's going he's like I'm
Starting point is 00:47:25 not gonna give it to charity I'm not gonna give it to the UN because you guys are gonna keep it and give it to George Floyd or whatever the fuck so I want to know where it's going and they were like I will get back to you don't you feel I've talked I feel like this is like our most political episode whatever people but people I've had this theory Derek has this theory we've talked about it's like don't you wish your taxes they sent you a breakdown that'd be great I'd be so much happier I mean I don't mind paying taxes this is where I'm more of a liberal guy I'm like great I got money and you take it and disperse it yes but you're
Starting point is 00:47:57 like give me a breakdown of like all right you sent 300 bucks to potholes right you sent 800 to painting a bridge yeah 900 went to homeless kids and then you got a thousand to health care yeah and then you took care of a couple you paid for a lethal injection in Texas or whatever the fuck it is just give me a breakdown yes so I can see agreed that I'd feel better because it would feel like service I'd be like okay great I'm helping completely and they could go show your friend like look at the pothole help and he goes look what I did for the abortion yes this is good this is good I would run on this run on because I
Starting point is 00:48:32 are great comic shooting a special December 21st no one's going I might have a shit oh there it is sorry I mean it would just be nice if someone's like okay you owe whatever twenty two thousand dollars and with that twenty two thousand you know hi what 495 is gonna be smooth as an egg you're like fantastic exactly but I completely agree I think it goes into the pockets of the fat cats or whatever all those words that I don't know what that means sure sure the Washington Wall Street guys what do you think about the this idea and this you're gonna hate first class you pay more you get a better seat sure you
Starting point is 00:49:06 get booze you get food you get a lay down you get a TV whatever you get you don't get in coach pay more taxes you get more incentives well he gets the other way around the people with all the money they pay more taxes yeah have all the doing better yeah that's the tax yeah but they're doing better like you're saying if you pay more taxes you get better stuff but it's the other way around you get better stuff so you pay more in taxes yeah but you had to earn that stuff that's true well some people did some people did that's the problem that's true yeah that's the real issue it's these god damn corporations don't
Starting point is 00:49:46 pay any fucking time that's apple and Amazon are fucking us I don't get it that's they're beating the system they're very smart they know what they're doing and then you got to let them go with it because they're making good shit that's what that's what really fucking kills us interesting we're breaking down the whole country yeah it's very exciting but so you're saying you pay more in taxes so you get it's a thought I mean that's just how everything else works in humanity right you pay more at a steakhouse you get the bread you get the butter you get the salad comes with it you know you get the guy with the pepper
Starting point is 00:50:16 thing right but you already have that that's why you're paying the the bigger taxes but this is where the problem is I mean this is where the idea of it is to raise the level of the lowest person the person that's doing the worst ideally you want the person who's doing the least best to be doing okay that's the kind of society you want to live in that's the idea to me of the taxes you're like right you got all this money so you pay this money and with this money we educate everybody better yep we give everybody health care the people that can't afford food we give them food until they're able to do better and then
Starting point is 00:50:52 eventually when they're doing better they pay back into the same system that's the idea that's the idea but it's a little optimist I think some people just want to mooch off some people will never even if you give them all the goods they won't get up there but I think that's a smaller percentage of people yeah there's more people that just are fucked by this goddamn system I agree up in there I agree but I don't know that's where I'm gonna lose everybody but no I'm with you but yeah it's just you just wish it would just work better but we got such a shitty system you wish you went alright I made $900,000 so here's
Starting point is 00:51:25 $300,000 and they take that money and they go okay here's a house for you you ninkum poop and we're gonna come by and wipe your ass for you or whatever the fuck you gotta do but you know what it's just there's too many people for it to all work like it's a tough it's we have a lot of people you know when you're playing a flip cup and in college and you got eight guys on your team and they got eight guys on their team you you make it in your friend makes it in your other friend mate then the fourth guy he can't get in you go ah you blow it for the whole team you queef yes that's the system there's always that one guy was
Starting point is 00:51:53 gonna be lagging yes it's very tough it's very tricky and you want those people at the bottom for lack of a better term to be up here I'm a tough we got a low bottom with the bottom yeah this country is is sleeping in your own shit underneath the highway right and then people in the middle gonna walk by and they go hey why don't you give me your money a piece of shit or I'll smash you over the head with a fucking iron yeah and you go I'm gonna smash him the face of an iron and you go up fuck me it's all this time that's been happening since the Middle Ages yeah it's a stinker so I don't have any answers but we could
Starting point is 00:52:23 provide you with a little entertainment well I wonder what hobos because they get so used to that life it's like Brooks and Shawshank you go back to jail or even castaway when he comes back and he's just staring at the ice because he did four years on an island without electricity and and pillows so now he's like I can't deal with this is too much right takes a minute to readjust thank you and obviously there's mental problems too but a lot of that you think if we had a better education system a better health care system so early on they could go see a doctor that's what makes me crazy we got all this fucking money
Starting point is 00:52:59 you should just have health care should be a basic fucking right and I can't believe that people can't all agree on that yeah give him the health care what are we doing yeah it's a little goofy so you get shit out the bottom and then the drugs and the things so god but it's like I said I'm like I want to take care of these people yes but I don't want them in my fucking neighborhood not in my backyard you know what I mean and nobody does you can take the most progressive most empathetic open-minded they go whoa whoa whoa that guys smells like shit yeah my daughter exactly they're like we got to do this and that
Starting point is 00:53:28 be like all right well he's gonna sleep in your front yard take shits there you go well I don't want him can't have that yeah so it's tricky we're really up the all right all right well we're moving along here so yeah good good show we did a show at the secret group last night Houston if you're in town go to the secret group great club it's like a multi-purpose thing they got an open mic room they got a main room they got a DJ thing they got a roof a bar it's great and skill is killed Ari killed we had some local guide to a set that was fun and then we just parted it up and tonight's gonna be no different we got a
Starting point is 00:54:02 live show and then a stand-up show at 10 I believe oh we're on that yeah yeah it's exciting I can't wait I love it it's the first festival in like two years I can't wait everything I love what a festival with Sarah and I checked in we're walking up the hallway Shane Gillis hey what are you doing Shane then Stan Doug Stanhope walks up it's me Stanhope Gillis Sarah you're like this is fantastic then I bump into you and then everyone's coming Voss is coming Bobby Mike Cannon Sagalow the other guy Adrian Adrian Hannigan Becky oh yeah basically just New York it's pretty much all New York and then we get the roast I can't
Starting point is 00:54:37 wait for that is that gonna be a YouTube I don't know what the hell it is it better be I'd like to watch it gas thing somewhere I don't know what gas is exactly it's something comes out of my ass but you have yet one black guy he pulled out yeah he pulled out and then came on her face but you know gas stands for Gomez and Sampson whatever his name is Sam right Sutton Sutton that's what gas came oh Gomez and Sutton yeah how about that it's funny we use the a when we need it yes but we don't use it USA yeah should be US of a wait a US OA that's oh not and but you get by the same it should be T USA the United States
Starting point is 00:55:17 of America you go interesting this is another funny thing that happened in Seattle on the way back from the Kraken game Kraken we jump in a cab it's raining it's always a mess leaving sporting events yeah we're in the cab we're all crammed in and the guys like old-school cab driver he's like we're going to West Seattle he goes 40 bucks and you go okay whatever no no meter you just go whatever let's get out of here you just want to you can get any I'll pay any price let me get in the car and get out of here that's a new thing with these cabbies I think once Uber came out there like I'm calling the shots yeah I don't
Starting point is 00:55:49 give a fuck so he says 40 bucks we sit in the cab you're just like sweating your stuffed in there and like you don't want your leg flush you hate a flush leg flush leg well we're all in the backseat three across you have space between oh I had the same thing last night at a booth yeah give me a little church in state I can't be flush no flush it's like need a asshole flush I just can't handle so I'm using like my hip flexor to keep my leg over here it sucks and so we get there and the guy goes ah 45 bucks oh no what 40 and then these guys don't have cash because they have jobs and shit sure I think we only have cash cuz we do stand
Starting point is 00:56:25 up now us and strippers good point maybe drug dealers oh yeah them we'll see a few of them under the fucking bridge tonight I'll buy something so god these wreck life pants I absolutely love them it's all I wear now I'm done with jeans but I think the laundromat shrunk public wreck we need some new pairs yeah please I mean I'm just wearing spandex anyways so we get out of town the guy goes 45 they go hey you pay I don't have any cash that we'll pay you back that whole thing we like I'm not getting this money back yeah so I got 320s and I go here's 60 and he goes okay let me get you a card it's cold as a grifter it's
Starting point is 00:57:05 like hilarious and I was like he said it's so matter-of-factly that I just laughed and went all right what am I gonna do with your card yeah but I'm gonna say change it was like he delivered it like the most perfect George Burns yeah and he was like digging around that he was getting I literally thought he was getting changed he said card I'm like I gave him the 25% or 30% tip yeah just based on how fucking funny it was I wonder if he actually thought he had casted when he didn't he went I'll switch it on the fly because I'll give you a kind of like I don't need a car we have lived the only reason we're in your cab
Starting point is 00:57:35 we're desperate this 15,000 people just flowed out the loudest people in the and anyways that was hilarious that's what we'll pay you back is a that's a popular one oh never getting that money about it you're not gonna see that in the rest of your life it's hard because you're staying at the house it's hard to be like I get that money it's like Louis would always do that it'd be like a homeless guy would walk up and he'd be like give me 20 bucks yeah homeless guy he's like I'll get you back yeah and it's hard to be like can you that 20 bucks we're staying at a $3,000 a night hotel yeah and he's paying you 800 whatever
Starting point is 00:58:06 the fuck he did the same thing to me and I but he let me open for him after that so I think he did pay it back yeah it evens out I guess but you're still like I don't want to give 20 bucks to that guy now that's a lot of money give me a five baby yeah exactly you could have thrown a pencil out the window about to say the same thing it was a sip though it would have been a fun moment sip I gotta plug some shit here oh we're wrapping the ass soon it takes a while to plug and wrap we got to wrap it up but I got a plug well helium this weekend and then this Sunday PS 109 back at the Upper East Side Show I think you're on it I hope I
Starting point is 00:58:40 am wait 14th what day November 14th coming up well it's the Sunday after this episode comes out I'll be there you sure oh yeah all right I'll be there pencil me in I'll be there I'll be there November 14th it's a Sunday what's today the fourth so 10 days 10 days okay this will come out on Tuesday so you got to do the math so the Sunday coming up well no after that two days from now with the one after that got it got it yeah but this Sunday is the next Sunday well time favorite conversations so anyways PS 109 come to the show there might be a huge special guest so that's gonna be something it's always a fun show Matt
Starting point is 00:59:23 Wayne so it's not even know who's on the line even the host is killer killer host big special guest always a fun show and it's it's our show with Cantor and I do the show so come to that Portland helium this weekend Chicago Zaini's next week November 18th to the 20th Matt's coming for that too that's gonna be a fun one got to do well there huge market small clubs to buy your tickets early then Providence County connection November 26th and 27th then just added December 1st one night only hilarities in Cleveland just the one night or Wednesday night can I ask because it's in between Louis Royal Oak and Louis
Starting point is 00:59:59 Cleveland that's even better yeah so I'm doing one night only OT OT O one time one time only and then of course December 7th still tickets available the late show special taping and now new date if you're in Germany which I know we have a lot of German games yes you got that right fuck I don't know the venue just yet but Berlin market down December 11th Berlin it's a small room 130 cedar so fill that thing up I'll be there with Sarah wait a minute is this the Berlin trip you booked on a whim whim wow Wim Hof yeah this is the Wim Hof breathing December whatever the fuck 11th something like that I think that's
Starting point is 01:00:37 Lamaze Lorenzo Lamaze sometimes I think about just buying a muscle car just be one of those guys I think about all I've had one in high school I loved it fun just like an old you know Chevelle you know what I mean just one of those cool cars a Pontiac Grand Prix or some shit you know and Sam a Camaro a GTO yeah something 68 GTO the old you know stacked assholes anyways those are my dates for God's sakes come and subscribe to my YouTube that was a lot of shit I got a lot of shit as well oh boy brain fart braya we added a show in Bray on Thursday which I think is a suburb of LA come on out it's like where the rich
Starting point is 01:01:29 people live big room that'll be fun New Orleans howlin wolf we added a show that's not gonna sell so please come to that I don't know if we got any nola gaze on here sure the only gay yeah how about that weird title for a plane yeah why you putting gay on your plane well that's the name he's sending a message all right but Atlanta Milwaukee Charlotte comedy zone Kansas City improv we got some fun stuff cooking and yeah come on out check out our specials on YouTube they got a new date for the Netflix it's it's end of the year I'll say that and yeah good get on the patreon we got new we got a we got a soul Joel up today or whenever
Starting point is 01:02:19 this is out and then we got a we got a skankfest episode that'll be on the patreon with some fun guests so cooking cooking cooking plus I think there's some hot gay sets out there and all kinds of goodies yeah a couple hot gay sets we had a bonus that came out today and then or yesterday and then today we have the full live episode from soul Joel's with Shane Gillis and Sean had yes that was a million lat 90 straight minutes of laughs yep and I think Shane is popping by tonight on tonight's live episode with Ian finance and then the are you garbage guys come by we don't figure out to record that too I'm gonna need a lot
Starting point is 01:02:53 of microphones and they are garbage but guys are pretty fat so we're gonna need some seats good point but yeah so good stuff it's all cooking merches out we got new merch shell bows gone the ones and twos and we're gonna get a studio at some point so we're trying folks yeah we're moving into a studio but yeah that Patriot you're crazy to not get on you can get on for $4 a month and get here to fucking live by the whole thing you got to do it we're making it work we're making it gay we're making it in China thanks a lot praise Allah wake it up

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