Tuesdays with Stories! - #427 Hate A Bisc

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

It's a scorching ep this week as the guys recap their trip to Skankfest South before Mark goes to L.A. for an impromptu TV taping while Joe deals with the worst plane passenger he's ever seen. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Public Rec (publicrec.com code: tuesdays), Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), buyraycon.com/tuesdays), & Green Chef (greenchef.com/tuesdays125) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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with free shipping. That's Fields.com slash Tuesdays to become a member and get 40% automatically taken off your first three months with free shipping. Fields.com slash Tuesdays feels a better way to feel better. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great.

Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up, and she didn't even flush. Knock knock.

Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah, this is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Here we are. It's Tuesdays, folks. Good to be here.

Chuck's on the ones and eights. Chuck D, Chuck E. Cheese, Chuck Nice, Chuck Woolery. Oh yeah, two and two. Coming back. Was that a good enough space in between the start? I mean, we literally were like, that guy should eat a pile of shit. Hello, we're here.

I mean, like, is there going to be enough? As long as you can cut. All right. Cool. Yeah, good point. The Tuesdays will be a buzz. I wonder who it is. It'll be.

It's about that. Which one of us is he talking about? I'm getting a lot of this on stage. All right, I do a little Q&A at the end now. And they go, where's Joe? That's the first question. Where's Joe at? Joe List.

They don't even say where something. They just say your name. Yeah, that's all I get. Well, I'm fucking my wife. She's like, where's Mark? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm fucking my wife. She's like, where's Mark? I don't know. I haven't talked to him today, but I'm going to get shirts made that say I don't know where Mark is. Would you buy those? It's fun.

It's a hot shirt for other people. I would buy that. It's a hot room, by the way. Is it warm in here? I think, well, I'm wearing layers because it's cold. I busted out the winter coat. Isn't it sad when you bust out the winter coat? I did the same thing.

Oh, it sucks. Yeah, but I've cracked the window and hopefully the breeze will come. I noticed that. Hopefully my father will come on my face. It's going to be back in studio. I know. I keep asking every Christmas. Yeah.

This year's the year. Santa can't bring that down the chimney. Worst on Hanukkah because you get eight, eight loads in the face. Did Santa have kids? Did he never fuck Mrs. Claus? There's no Santa kids. I think with all the midgets running around, you don't need them. You can't say midgets.

Elves. Elves. Of course. Yes. What are you crazy? Sorry. Well, he's the one with slave owner with all these little people. It's a good point.

Midgets is cool. No, get out of here. Midgets is cool. I'm friends with a little person and midgets is not cool. None of them are cool. They stink. I don't know. Maybe they're complaining.

We just don't hear them. Anyways, I don't want to sink to their level, but we got a... That's a small world. We got to get it going here. I mean, what are we doing? Don't short me on that joke, man. It's warm and I don't know. Chuck is here.

Chuck Knoblock. I don't know. The cat is scared of Chuck, so who knows what will happen with the cat? You're not going to want to hear this, but I'm getting some negative cat feedback. Really? A few people were like, it's enough already with the cat. The whole show is about the cat. Okay, great.

Great. We don't need to don't fuck with cats. I'm getting shit from people. Some lady gave me the finger. We talked about this already, but people are like, you better be nice to that cat. So you can't win. Now if it was enough with the cat and you're being too mean to the cat, you can't win them all. But I like this.

You understand the cat doesn't understand language. I'm not kicking it. Right. I'm making jokes about it. Between the two of us, only one has hidden its toy in an impossible to get to place, which you might look at as teasing. Yes. You know.

But you know, the cat, yeah, sometimes you're verbally abusive to the cat, but it doesn't know English. I say the n-word all the time. You've been quite verbally abusive. I just say, hey, you're, you suck. You're a fucking asshole with a piece of shit. And that's to myself. Sure.

Well, yeah. The cat does it. It's fun to flick it off. That's one of the perks of having an animal is you can be, you can say racial slurs and horrible things to it. It's fine. It's not in the cat heat, but you give it the finger and it's, I don't even know where it is.

It might be dead. I saw it through the window from the street, which was cool. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, that is the cat. Hey, that's cool. Yeah. I'm worried because it's a screen on that window.

I'm worried one day I'll just fly right through that puppy. Pull a Clapton. Yeah. Boy, he's in some hot water. They hate him. Really? Yeah. He's doesn't like the vaccine.

So all of a sudden, and then he said some racist shit back in the 70s. So he's out. People hate Clapton. I mean, everybody said, I think the president was racist in the 70s. Oh, absolutely. The great tapes. Great tapes. Oh, Nixon.

Nixon, yeah. Yes. We got one of those goddamn Jews in the office. No more Jews. Wow. It's what he's saying, you know, the K word. Oh, he did. Oh, a bunch.

Oh, yeah. Oh, did he get an N in there? We got an N in later. I think it was about a couple of Ns. Okay. I think there's a few Ns. All right. We had an N do two terms.

Well, this is hotter than a pistol. This episode, we got to really clean it up. I got a film coming out for God's sake. Oh, wow. I think we got enough backlogged offensive shit that this episode won't really cut the mustard. We got a lot to get to, by the way. Yeah, too much.

We got, I mean, Skankfest. I was in Portland. You were in Boston and LA. LA. I mean, this might be like a twofer. This is like a very special episode if it was a sitcom. Lot to talk about. Saw you last night.

Where do we start? Yeah. Oh, last night was a special night. We could end it all on last night. We could somehow do a nice little, what's the arc? Oh, but should we open what last night is it's fresh and then go work our way to Skankfest? Well, you missed a lot of Skankfest. I missed all.

I watched every clip. I was on a plane. I was in Boston going, oh, what else? I was checking your stories, his stories. It was tough. I mean, you were really missed. Everyone says they missed somebody, but you were actually genuinely really missed because you're the guy you want to be there.

You appreciate it. You know it. You love it. It's a festival. I mean, everybody's there and it kept being like, where's my? It felt like you were dead. Oh, hey. Well, it's nice to know what happens when I die.

Yeah. Nobody even twain. Gave a shit. But I did. I cared. All right. It was hard. And of course, I mean, literally all day.

He's not here. He was here Thursday. And people were mad because we squeezed in a pod, but I think the festival hadn't officially started yet. I think you're right. And so people were like, I bought tickets for the festival because Tuesdays with stories was here and it's not here. Right.

So people were here Thursday and he's like, but that wasn't the festival. So as a whole, Lewis really fucked everybody, I guess. It was the hardest thing I ever did getting on a plane at 9 a.m. at the Houston airport leaving Skankfest. And I'm walking out the hotel with my bags. I'm hungover. It was a crazy night. And Lewis is out there smoking weed.

He wakes up at 5 a.m. this guy's a fucking farmer. And he's like, where are you going? I'm like, I'm leaving. He's like, what? He couldn't even wrap his head around it. And I was like, all right, I gotta go. And I got an Uber. And I left.

It felt like leaving my kid. No, it was weird. It is because Thursday was still early. People were arriving Friday. So as you were leaving, everybody was getting there all day. You're just like, Soder gets here, Paul Verzi gets here, who I only saw once, but still it's good to know he's there. Rana Zeezy was there.

Josh Potter, Rana Zeezy, of course, Ari, Lewis, Jay, Bob Saget, Doug Stanhope was hanging out all week. Gilbert Godfrey was limping around. I mean, it was quite an affair. We should name a woman or a minority. Adrianne Apollucci was there. The guys we fucked chicks were there. Oh, I love that.

They're a great hang. Nice to see Corrine, Christina, very attractive ladies I might have had. Good looking ladies. If I wasn't gay, who else is there? Sarah was there. Brian Moses, you had Sarah, you had Bobby Kelly. That was great. Great hanging with him.

Mike Suarez, Tony Hinchcliffe. Shane Gillis. Fun group. Gillis was there. We had a great time. The 80s band. Oh, wow. That was a fun night.

It was me, Soder, Shane, Bobby, Suarez, and having a great time just trashing the band. They did this thing. They wear all these big wigs and pink pants. They look like an 80s band, but they do joke songs. Yeah. And a few covers. They did. The guy talked for like eight straight minutes, literally no exaggeration, an eight minute

rock talk. Between songs. Yes. The words. The words. Funny. No. I mean, did he go Brandon or whatever that thing is?

Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah. He's yelling that. And we had a good time just trashing them. And then we kind of came around on him, which was fun. I started a mosh pit, which is exciting. Bobby's shoving me into other people. There's just fans everywhere, which was so fun.

Somebody had the great joke. It's amazing that in Houston, eight people died at a concert and it wasn't Skankfest. Unbelievable. I mean, there was a huge trampling situation, but we had no problems. And I just want to say, Lewis has created the best American comedy festival. Unbelievable. They should have been all of them. They should do a campground next year.

I think they could do 10,000 people at that thing. They could do campground, a fairground. Fairground. Yes. And do it for 10 days. I mean, it was too quick. I know I was only there for two days, but... I mean, 10 days.

Well, somebody's going to OD or relapse, at least silent relapse, but get it longer. Get it because I left and I looked at my phone. Lewis is on a Clydesdale. Ari got dosed. You guys are at a roast. Shane Gillis is crowd-surfing with Doug Stanhope. I'm like, ah, what did I miss? I've never had FOMO so bad.

I'm a FOMOsexual. I mean, it was insane. And the fans were so nice. Shout out to the fans. The Tuesdays. We've created such amazing fans. I love the games. They're so pleasant.

Yeah. They know how to talk to you, treat you, and none of them is lingering and stuff, and they're not too fucked up. And when they are, they're like, I'm all fucked up. I'll see you when I'm sober. Everybody was just so nice and friendly. And there's a million jokes about how, like, oh, we're all going to get raped and the women aren't safe.

Right. Nobody could be nicer. Sarah's like, I feel so safe and welcome here. Totally. And it was just beautiful. By the way, there's about 100 jokes about how they all live in their mother's basement. And I'm like, I think everybody flew here and is staying at the Hilton for three days. I know.

I think 80% of the people flew in. Yeah, exactly. And the Hilton, by the way, downtown Houston Hilton. What a hotel. Lunch. Fast elevators, comfy beds, big rooms. We recorded a podcast there. I mean, this is the festival and there's no industry.

They hate it. They hate us. Whatever. They're clueless. But I know this is a party. And if you're at home next year, as if it's in New York or down south, go to Skankfest. You got to go. I don't care if it's in Darfur or Somalia or Flip, Michigan.

You got to go. Stand up at a funny joke who's on stage. He's like, you know, there's some, a lot of people I don't know. A lot of people I don't remember. I drink a lot. He's like, but you don't want to mistake random women for comedians at this festival. He's like, I'm at the hotel bar going, are you here for Skankfest? He was great.

Good to see him. And the box, there was just constant shows going on there. You fucking killed in there. Oh, thanks. That was fun. I blew off my last spot and I wouldn't seem to care. I did the roast. It was like the set of my life.

You killed it. And then they're like, you're in the box at 9 p.m. And I'm like, I don't think so. No, I'm done. I'll see you later. I hit the highway and get the hell out of there. Leave on a high note, baby. But I mean, it felt like a rock star in there.

We were getting pops everywhere we went, which was exciting. Yeah. But that roast, it was on YouTube. I don't know if it'll be back on YouTube. I think they got sued by whatever. Yeah, yeah. Papa G knows. But if you can get your, if you can get just your set up on the tube,

holy hell, this guy ripped it and rocked it. I mean, I was howling in a hotel room in LA going, laughing at the soda jokes, the Ari jokes. You killed it, Faddy. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. And by the way, Ron on Hershberg and JP McDade wrote a bunch of jokes, clearly contributed.

Those guys are, you want, you got, you need some laughs. You need a show, you sell something to roast, a movie, a TV show, whatever it is. You want it punched up. You call JP McDade, you call Ron on Hershberg. These guys swoop in. Yeah, funny guys, and they need the work for Christ's sake. And JP, he was good. Ron on fucked me a little bit.

He worked for Bobby, that piece of shit and whatever. But JP McDade, you guys should all check out his roast stuff, his stand up stuff. Funny guy. He was like an employee the day of. He's like, you need any more help? You want to jump on the phone? What else do you need? It just felt good.

I was like, I got plenty of ammo. It was like one of those things where you're like someone's like, you stay at someone's house and like, can I get you? You've done enough. Right, right, right. Go home. Relax. Yeah, yeah.

Take a breather. But it showed, it paid off. I don't know what you paid these Jews, but man, they do a great job. Not much. Ah, perfect. It's a win-win. But it was good. But it was, it was nice.

Because you get these compliments about the jokes and you're like, please be one I wrote. Yeah. I wrote that one. All right. Thank God. But it was very exciting. But what? I'm just worried.

I've complimented you on eight jokes. I hope one of them was yours. Yeah, most of them. Well, about 60% of them were bones. You're clean. Yeah, most people, they didn't write one thing. Yeah, I noticed. But Shane was amazing, by the way.

He fucking killed it. So funny, but I was so nervous. We were all so nervous. And I always think of this. I've mentioned it before. It's terrifying. The quote, my hero, the baseball player. I've never heard you mention it once.

That's all my passwords. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. 83. I got to change my passwords. All right. Change the password. He's your password.

What the fuck's going on? There's more to it than that. It's like, I want to blow. Is that 1941? Oh, my God. He's the greatest. Was he a sock? He is a baseball player.

But the Red Sox, but he was a big outside the box thinker. There's a documentary about him called. Well, it was a book called. I forgot what the documentary is called. What's so great about this cat? Well, he's fascinating. He's hilarious. He got blackballed from the game.

He loves baseball. He still plays. He's like a 75 year old guy. He's still playing as soon as they kicked him out of the big leagues. He went to Canada. Started playing up there to go across state line. What would he get kicked out? He fuck a kid.

He beat up a lady. Well, they didn't like him. He smoked a lot of pot. He talked about how he likes smoking pot. And he was one of these guys. But he's got. Anyways, he's got a great quote. He's a hilarious guy.

You watch him on anything. Just YouTube. He's got a he's a real philosopher. OK. Some people probably hate him. He's a big leftist, whatever. But he's got a great quote when they asked him before the seventh game of the World Series.

They said, is this the biggest game you ever pitched in? He said, no, the college World Series was because that was for fun. And that's how I felt about the roast. I'm like, I'm just trembling in the back because you got all your buddies right there. And we're sitting there waiting to go on. And it's like, it's Shane. It's Ari.

It's Bobby. It's Soder. And then you're about to annihilate each other. But everyone's so anxious. We're like, I don't want to do this. I can't do this. Bobby, sign up for this. We should just be hanging out.

Let's all bail right now. Yep. And you're just, my leg was like shaking. Oh, I get it. It's one thing to bomb on TV or while you're fucking your mother or at the cellar, which all sucks. Yeah, been there. But bombing with all your peers next to you.

And you just respect these people so much, or Shane, at least, the rest of them, whatever. But I mean, you just go, oh, I want to do well. And then it's standing room only. There's 2,000 people. And then every single comic is crammed right here. Like in your little vision box, there's like 150 comedians right there doing this.

And you just want to kill. Oh, yeah. I don't know if the regular folk, the civilians out there, know that. But even me on a headlining set in the middle of Tom Dick and Harry, Denver, wherever I am, my feature will come out and go, I'm going to watch you. I'm like, this guy sucks.

He's a hack. He's an open-micor. But I'm like, there's a comic in the room. And that's one comic I don't give a shit about, so I'll never see again. This is peers you've known for 20 years who are killer comics, who are all headliners, who are great acts, and they're watching and judging.

And you've got to kill for the audience. And they're going to make fun of you. So there's all these horrible elements going against you. Yes. It's just really anxiety-inducing. And you never tried the material either. That's the main thing with a roast, is you're doing every joke for the first time ever.

Yes. And you're always like, do I have enough ammo? Do I have enough? And it wasn't till like an hour before that I finally was like, this is enough. When you start doing it through your head, you're like, no, this is a lot of jokes. By the way, the time went out.

They're like, well, light yet six. Everybody did like 12 minutes. Never, it never does. Who gives a shit? I got to go first, which is the best spot on a roast. It's just the name of the documentary, by the way. Just remembered. There's a great quote.

He's got another great quote, one of my favorite quotes ever. He goes, I always get these calls to come and throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. And I say, not unless I get to throw out all the rest of them. That's a good line. And he said, I'm not going out there like some hacked cause. He goes, I like playing, which is great. Won't throw out the pitch unless he gets to play in the game.

He's like, let me pitch. Oh, he's wonderful. A lot of hours on YouTube. Great doc. Anyways, wonderful. Could be tough little need that space there. Horrible for an Asian person to say, but all right, we'll clean it up.

But yeah, that's great. The roast was great. You killed it. You never said the jokes before, but they all worked. Every time you have to do a roast for a comic, you have five stages of grief. Have you heard of this? I'm not familiar with the grief.

Yeah, yeah. I think you have five stages with a roast. Somebody goes, you want to do a roast? You go, sure. You regret it. Then you go, this is stupid. Then you go, how do I get out of it? And then you accept it.

And then you write the jokes. Yeah, good point. Then you die. Then you die, nice bitch. Yeah, it's fun. Some of the guys didn't put in the effort, which I don't understand. I don't understand the thing of signing up and being like,

I'll think of something. I mean, I get it, but it never works. And you always hate yourself after. You got to do the work. It sucks, but it's the only way to leave without killing yourself. Yeah, it was fun. It's a fun feeling.

And then going first, I had a nice big cigar and just sat in the back and just enjoyed it, which was great. But then the pressure started to get that nicotine in you. And then you start doing the thing of, is he mad? And you're sitting behind the guys and like, is he upset? Is he mad? And then you're like, does everybody hate me?

Is this OK? And then you have a meltdown. Ah, you're fine. Couple people did seem a little cunty on the mic, but what are you going to do? But it was awesome. And then as soon as it ended, after all that skank on you, skank fest, and it's nice to say hello to everybody,

but you're just stressed and you feel that pressure of talking to people and you're going to be on. Then Sarah and I got in the car and just left the hotel, jumped on the highway. I stopped at Wendy's, silent read, don't even worry about it. Stuffed the double cheeseburger up my ass, went back to her place in the suburbs.

Wait, you didn't hang after the roast? I hung for about a half hour. But once it's over, I'm like, I'm out. Wow. I hit a wall. I was done. I mean, first of all, at that festival, as much as I love the festival, everybody's on acid.

Everybody's on mushrooms. Everybody's drunk. And if you're not partaking, even if you are partaking, who wants to talk to somebody on acid? True. And it's a silent relapse phenomenon over there. It's like extravaganza on relapse. It's all booze and drugs and pussy.

I mean, the thing is about drunk people, even when I was a drunk, I was like, I hate drunk. Sure. You're just repeating themselves. They're like, what? What is it? What did you say? And then everybody, Saturday night,

everybody was on acid or mushrooms. And then some people were on Coke and acid. And you're just like, I mean, I'm on a different planet here. I might as well get out of here. Ari got dosed, speaking of acid. I was on the show. Oh, yeah. That was in the middle of the roast.

It was fucking great. And I appreciate Kim Congden, Kim Cong, because I was sitting next to Ari. It was when he was on stage. She was like, do not drink this water. I'm still with acid, which I appreciate, because you're smoking a cigar. You get dry.

I would have just pounded that thing and lost my tits. Imagine if you were on acid that night. Holy shit. That would be a showstopper. But it's awkward, too, because it's like dumb and dumber. I'm like, how's your burger? Because I'm sitting. I know this acid in the cup.

Right, right. And by the way, now I'm complicit. Like, I'm committing a crime. What are you going to do? Yeah, what are you going to do, I guess, but still. And I think you only drank a small amount of it. Damn, I wanted him to be out of his mind and shitting blood and puking.

Well, she came up and was like, Ari's on acid, which is such a great moment. But I looked and the bottle was like two ships. And I was like, ah, as great as the moment that was, is like, you should have let him finish it before. You got to put a pile of cashews in front of him. Something to get the thirst going. Well, he had a cigar.

There's nothing more thirst inducing than a big, fat, brown dick. Yeah, you got that right. Damn, that's a shit. I don't know how you do it with the Stoges, man. I had one on Rogan and it gives me anxiety. My anxiety goes up with the nicotine. The nicotine's insane.

I mean, that's why by the end of the roast, I was having an anxiety. I hadn't eaten because I was anxious before. So I was like, really, that's why I got out of there. I was like, I need to go be with my wife in pajamas and spoon. I hear you. Come back to the gay earth.

Spoon, man. Yeah, been there. Well, it sounded like a hell of a fest. It looked like a hell of a fest. Did you crowd surf? I didn't get to crowd surf. Yeah, I've always wanted to do that. I saw everybody doing it.

It looked pretty great. I crowd surfed the year before and then Bobby Kelly did. I don't know if you saw that tape. What? That was the Brooklyn one two years ago. We did, you know what, dude? I dove in the crowd and did a lap and then I came back and Bobby's like, me next.

I thought he was kidding. It's insane. I mean, talk about it. Travis Scott, Bobby's going to crush some people. I mean, it was wild. By the way, this year is, you know what, dude, and that goes on YouTube or whatever. Get on.

I've never been more on fire in my life. Never killed hot or ever in my life, packed room. I mean, it was insane. That Skype was the best weekend of my life performance-wise. Yeah, you were rolling. Maybe because you were the only sober guy in the vicinity. Yeah, could have been, but I felt it was fun. The funny too.

Yeah, thanks, whatever. All right, but yeah, great time. I did want it to end. Lewis, I've never seen Lewis be happier. Oh God, he was on top of the tits. Yeah, and just a good, oh, Karen Margolis, another lady who was there. He killed on the roast, by the way, Lewis.

Lewis did great. He did about an hour and a half, but he killed it. Zach and Miko killed it. Just a great time. I hated to leave, but I also knew if I stayed, I might do a special K or Oxy or some shit, so I had to get the fuck out of there. It was weird, and like, I never did acid,

so it's weird because you're like, everybody's on acid right now? And in my mind, acid is like, whoa! And like, there's people like- Pink elephants. And Josh Potter, and he's like, oh, I love that you love Matt Wayne. I'm like, you know about Matt Wayne on acid?

Like, in my mind, you take acid, and you don't know who Matt Wayne is anymore. No, that's all movie shit, where they're like, oh, I'm falling down a hole, and that's all bullshit. It's like being shit-faced. Like, I was like, hey, Josh, it's Joe List. He's like, yeah, man, what's up? How are you?

And I was like, all right, I thought my fucking nose was dripping off or whatever. No, no, I think it's like a Dalí painting, but it just gives you a bunch of energy, and you're all keyed up and excited and fun. It's a chemical. On acid? Yeah, it sounds like coke. It's a little tracery, but it's more, you're locked in.

Ah, maybe I'll do acid. Let's do acid. Ah, probably no. Patreon, get on it. That would be a $40 Patreon. Oh, yeah, it's just us sitting here. You have to bail me out of prison when I rape everybody. That's how I used to do things.

Just kidding. That sounds like a bad trip, but yeah, good time. Bean Town was great. Yeah, tell me about Bean Town. You were up there. It's hard because when you're in Skankfa, you're in like a vortex. You're not even getting any outside world news.

That's true. I mean, it was just a great time. We did a bunch of shows, like it's a nice club. There's good eggs over there. A lot of Boston gays came out, sold some shirts, took a million photos. I'm not supposed to do meet and greets, but I can't help it

because I feel guilty sitting in the green room. Why are you supposed to do them? Well, people say COVID and anal, AIDS and all this stuff, but I was like, I gotta do them. Yeah. You do them? Yeah, I didn't know we were, I didn't know we could not do them.

Yeah, well, you could say, ah, COVID makes me nervous. Yeah, right. But I think COVID's over, right? Ah, Ari has it right now. What? Yeah. Maybe he got it from the acid. He got it.

He has it. Sal Volcano was fucking crushed. He was sick for two weeks and Vedar lost like 10 pounds. I can't even recognize, he looks like he has AIDS. Holy shit. Yeah, so be careful out there, kids. Oh, damn. Well, now I'm nervous again,

but when you do Rogan, he gives you an antibody test, mostly so he can shame you that his are better. Right. But I had pretty good antibodies. Oh, okay, there you go. Which, I don't know what that means. Yeah, I've been taking vitamin diesel in that emergency. I put that in my ass every morning,

so far so good, but we'll see. Hey, everybody, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Raycon. The best gift you could give a loved one is to just shut up every once in a while, but you're not gonna do that, are you? So why not give them the next best thing to drown you out, Raycon wireless earbuds?

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You're gonna love them. I mean, what better ad or promo do you need than this guy's? Johnson is touching one right now. Get on it. Because he's my butler. Yeah, so here's the clinker. I got some, I don't know if I'm supposed to talk about this,

but I did, I had to go to LA. It all worked out. I'm doing Brea Improv, which is a suburb of LA. Right. Never heard of it. But I got some gig, because a guy pulled out of game show. Okay.

And so they called me and they're like, hey, can you host this? So I had like two days notice. I said, I'm in. It's a pilot presentation of a game show. Basically you shoot a couple of days, they package it and they send it to a network to pitch it. Uh-huh.

So it's almost like a pilot kind of thing? It's a pilot, yeah, but they needed a host. I see. And it's this hardware game. It's basically like chopped with hardware. Hardware. You know, like a chop, they go, here's a dildo, a buttplug, and a Guatemalan kid.

You gotta make a chopped salad. Oh, okay. I never saw chopped. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't care for little things. You wouldn't like it, but it passes the time. It's decent when you're on acid. Okay.

It's that, but they go, here's the twig, you know, Clanhood and Taser. You gotta make a recliner or whatever, you know? So it's like food, it's like chop, but with building. It's like MacGyver. It's MacGyver. It's a MacGyver show. That's good.

Yeah, put that in the pitch if you want. I like that. I like that. That's an older reference, but you know, they'll catch you. I think it's back. Isn't there a new MacGyver? What? I think it's like a teenager that's MacGyver.

What else are we gonna remake? The Holocaust? It's feels like we're just redoing everything. I think they tried to do that. Oh, did they? Yeah, a couple of people. Damn, I miss that movie. Oh, shit.

All right, I'll invest. That could be a hit. Joking. So you got a MacGyver show, so tell me about it. So it's Kookie, they fly out first class. So I'm going, now I'm going to LA on United Polaris. Polaris. That's what they call there for, you know,

they got mint, they got whatever, they got Polaris. Get out of here Polaris. It's called first class, you douchebags. They gotta have a cool name, it makes it fun. What is it, a car? The Polaris? Yeah. I think that's actually that thing

that goes around the pool that cleans it. I think that's a call to Polaris. No kidding. Give that a gooch, Chuck. I've never heard of Polaris either. You know that thing that goes around the pool and you're like, what is that? They go, it's cleaning it.

You're like, I don't think it is. It's just whipping around like a slave owner. What is that thing? I think that's a person. Polaris. Polaris. I think it's a star. It sounds like a star.

Maybe a star. But I think that, what's that pool thing called? It's a star in the northern circumpolar constellation of Ursa Minor. Uh-huh, Ursa Minor. She was hot in the 40s. Is it? That's what I'm saying.

I never saw the thing that goes around. No, it's got a name. Yeah, Jose. It's a manufacturer that does pool cleaning. All right, there we go. I'm not crazy. All right, so Polaris. Wait, they had to make a Polaris?

What happened? What was Polaris? I can't even remember. That's the name of the first class. Oh, right! First Polaris class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking they needed to make a Polaris

for the pool on it, because that's a good topic. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Take an elephant tusk and a shoehorn and a table. There you go. And make a Polaris. Yeah, good luck. Maybe I could write for the show.

Probably. You got the MacGyver thing. You got the shoehorn. You're in. All right, a flat screen, a candle, and a plant. And you got to make a podcast producer. I'm not great at improvising. All right.

So it's kind of scary, because you're like, okay, I got to go host this thing. And I'm the backbone of this show. I'm the host of this show that they're hoping gets picked up. Right. So it's a lot on your shoulders. So I'm like, all right, so they send you on a plane. You got a date to prepare.

I'm on the flight going, like, this is all this copy. You know, I'm reading all of it, like, oh god. You know, do you want some more chocolate? I go, more everything. All right, we're the Polaris. I'm laying down. I'm in that weird pod, you know, cast. And it was just a magical flight,

but I had to read all the shit you land. You go straight to a hotel. You got to land, get a rental car, and drive out to Ventura, California. Yeah, I hate, you know what the worst thing is in all of travel, is after you've landed and trying to get home or to hotel. It's that period.

That's it. Because when you land, you have the relief of like, all right, I'm off the plane. Yeah, but it's just started. I just had it yesterday. It's just, it's brutal. It's brutal, and the flight was delayed. I was supposed to get into like eight.

We got in at 11. Then you got to rent a car. It's the little things about travel. You know where you go, okay, I landed. Now I gotta go get the rental car. So you have to go out, wait for a shuttle. Oh, is that the hurt? No, that's the Ava shuttle.

Oh, that's the, whatever shuttle. Oh, that's the other one. That's the Emerald. Okay, oh, there's the hurts, and you chase the hurts. It's that part of travel that nobody talks about. You know what I had that was the best ever. I did Conan one, I did it twice, but one time in this story, they sent a car,

but I didn't realize that, because I'm an idiot. And so I rented a car. But no, it was great because I came down and there's a guy in a suit with my name holding a placard that says Joe List. And I go, hey, and he's like, I'm your driver. And I go, oh, hey, he's gonna take you to the hotel. And I was like, I didn't know I had a driver.

I rented a car. I'm here all week. Yeah. And he's like, oh, I'll take you to the car. So I came downstairs with my suitcase and a guy in a tux fucking drove me down the street to the rental car place. That's it.

So I had to wait for the shuttle. So that was nice. That's nice. See the little things. So then you get to the rental car and then everybody runs out to try to get there first. You get there, there's a zigzag of mouse maze of 800 people.

So you're like, ah, you did a six hour flight. You waited for a shuttle. You get to the place. Now you gotta wait through the line. It's a whole thing. Get your car, drive an hour to Ventura, check in the hotel. That takes 20.

We talked about the click-clack. We've been doing hotels for 800 years. We can't get a, just here's your key. Boom, you're done. Don't you always find, we've talked about this before. I know, I'm sure. Don't you always find like you're the fastest person? All day, especially in bed.

I talked about this in Houston. I'm waiting to get in there and you just want to check in so bad. You want to fuck, you haven't fucked in a month. Yes. And it's just every person, because they all go up there and go, where's the, you'll find the pool.

You don't need them to tell you. They're any good restaurants? Just fucking ask Siri. Walk out the door until you see a restaurant, you douche. How about this guy? Anything good around here? Hold on, they pull out a map of the city and they, you're here.

They always circle the X and then they draw all over. You're like, what do you got a swastika on this thing? Just get me up to the room. Well, people love to circle things. They love circles. I love circle, I circle all the time. There's anything, there's a pen of a thing I circle. Crop circle.

I'm all about circle. Hey, shut up out there, we're doing a podcast. There you go. Oh shit, I think he heard you. Yeah, he's yelling back. Oh geez, podcast. Let's get him. He sounded.

Tuesdays with stories. You know. Yeah, got it. Road game. So get up to the hotel. Now it's midnight, call time, 7 a.m. So then you're like, all right, I'm off, I'm off kilter, whatever, whatever.

I still gotta look at the copy. I gotta go to bed now and it's all, it's 3 a.m. in America or whatever in New York. So finally, whatever you get there and you drive to the set and it's the set where they did a myth busters. Oh. So that's kind of fun.

Yeah, I like that guy. Okay, that's some history here and it's a real show, a million cameras, there's teams, you gotta meet all the teams. I mean, this was heavy duty, this is TV baby. What kind of, how many people in the team? There's two people on each team, three teams. So you meet six people, it's like a husband and a wife,

a guy and a friend, two sisters. And you have the card, you have a little card where you go. I got cards, I got a teleprompter, but it's heavy because it's a lot of stuff you can't fuck up. They're like, we're on a tight schedule, we gotta have lunch by this time.

So we have to nail this shoot and they're building shit and I gotta go 30 seconds left team, 30 seconds. I'm that guy, I'm all in. Wow, this sounds fun, sorry about my belch. It was wild, but then you gotta have jokes, they hired you because they want you to be funny and then they tell you to be edgy and I went too edgy and they had to reel it back,

but just great time. Network game show is gonna be a tricky one for you. Tricky dicky. There's gonna be a lot of cutting. Whoever's editing is gonna have a hell of a cut. Yeah, it was bad news bears. I did a lot of like, one guy to chainsaw, I said, circumcise me and they're like,

whoo, whoo, whoo, cut it, cut it, let's dial it back, you know, all that shit. I mean, I just don't see this. Nah, the Epstein jokes they didn't care for. I mean, it really went to shit. I had a cold Kyle Rittenhouse things they hated, but either way, we had some good, you hear like the crew and the grips like,

Jesus Christ, so that's always fun. Yeah, but they don't care for my humor at the end of the day, but. I got hope for this though, because they can work around the cut. If it was a live show, you'd have no chance. You'd be out. They'd be idiots for auditioning you if it was live,

but if it's taped, you know, you get to say the things and the people go, oh, cause the people that are there, they're never upset. No. It's the people at home in fucking wherever in the, you know, Midwest. Not even the Midwest, we always think Midwest, but I don't think it's the Midwest anymore.

It used to be the Midwest. Coast elites. Now it's like people in West Seattle going, oh, he said fucking off color or whatever. Exactly. It really switched. There's a big switcheroo. Big switch with the offended.

It used to be the pearl clutch and religious right. Well, don't get me wrong. Actually, now that I'm thinking about this, they're all offended still. Cause the right is always, they're always offended too. You made a joke about Jesus. They'd all drop their shit. Point of abortion, whatever.

Or if you make any crack about Trump, they go, whoa, look at this fucking thing. Everybody's a snowflake about their bullshit. Yeah, it's all snowflakes. What the fuck them do? I have a great sense of humor. I love jokes. What about that one I did about the retard?

Oh, well, my cousin's retarded and he's half gay. And he works at Chick-fil-A. You're like, all right. I can't just cater my act to your fucking bullshit retarded family. Yeah, they're just as bad. All right. Anyway, so we get through the two days of shooting.

I mean, it's just rigorous shooting. And it makes you realize how much you love stand up. Of course, yeah. You're like, I could leave here right now, tell some jokes for an hour, kill, high five, get a paycheck and jerk off. And nobody's gonna tell you what to do. Nobody.

This is like, guy comes back up with a clipboard. Can we take that again? You gotta do this. And you gotta act like, make eye contact with everybody. Don't just look at it and tell, you know, and I get it, he's right. But it's just a lot of work and a lot of memorizing and a lot of just tap dancing.

So we do it, we get in the can, I think it went well. And then they go, all right, you're done. Jump in the car, drive to Brea. It's a good hour and a half away, but you're just like, all right, I'm gonna go do stand up now. And I check into that embassy suites. Brea is just a mall town.

It's all concrete, no beach, no nothing, no culture, no fun. But the shows were great, the club was great. Good times. I wish I had more about it, but it was just great. Yeah, one of those ones just goes well. It was a perfect club. I made the most money I've ever made at a comedy club. Wow.

And, cause I lucked out because the LA gig was supposed to happen during COVID and then it got pushed back. So then more tickets are allowed to buy. So you keep the people who bought originally and then you add over a year. Oh, that's nice. Pretty good.

Juice. Yeah, so I guess from now on I'll book a gig and then do it three years later, really sell it out. Yeah, well, I think the people, you built the fans is what you built. You didn't build the ticket sales, you built the people. So the people will just be there next time. If you build it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So, flew in yesterday, dropped my bag off, went right to PS10 anal and here we are. But I think you had some stuff. I got some stuff. Hold on, this is one of those weird things when Chuck is here.

I can't see Peter. I don't know what time it is. Where are we? I'm lost. Probably like 35 in. Oh, all right. Okay, cause we gotta know what's going on. Do I have a lot of time?

Do I have a little time? You know what I mean? I'm a time guy. Don't you feel like that with comedy? Like you gotta know what time it is, what time's that? How much time am I doing? Yeah, there's a big clock in the back of Brea and it's like, I know exactly where I'm at

and how much more to go. It's great. I thought when I was at Portland, they have a digital clock, but it's like up here. I saw that, yeah. I did some act out where I was like getting blown by my cousin and I'm like, this what? The clock's up here?

Oh yeah. What are you doing with the clock up there? Yeah, yeah. But anyways, yeah. PS109, I'll get to, but there's so much stuff. Let me just go right into the, I always don't want to talk about this travel stuff. We have so many things.

Have you ever had this? By the way, I flew all first class the last couple weeks. Me too. I'm about to hit diamond. Woo! I'm $2,000 away from diamond. So I'm buying all first class. I'm just buying the upgrades.

The girl's best friend? I mean, diamond. I never thought I'd make it. No, it's big. Diamond's big. That's making it. I mean, diamond. You get on the plane first.

You get upgraded on everything. You get the lounge or some other shit. Who cares? You push the old ladies out the way. The wheelchair guy tries to get on. You put a broomstick in the wheel and you get on first. You can fuck any ticket girl you want. She doesn't need to work at Delta.

You can fuck a Southwest douche. That's comfort. But I had this. I flew to Portland and a couple of fun things. First, I flew to Salt Lake City. Layover in Salt Lake City. I get the first class upgrade. I was pretty sure I was gonna get it.

I keep checking compulsively. To see there's two upgrades left. I'm number two. Then he gets his, there's one upgrade left. I'm number one. And it's like the clock is ticking away. And then right as they give you, they do the upgrade when it's boarding time.

As soon as it's time to start boarding, that's when they give the last upgrade. So it's boarding time. I keep refreshing. Boom, I get first class and I'm next to two guys that were like, yeah, one guy was in first class. His buddy's like, I went up there. I tried to fucking pay to get the upgrade.

They said it was not available. But the screen says there's one ticket available. And meanwhile, I'm the guy that got it. So you're like. I'm right next to the guy. That's awkward. But I'd already gotten it. He's like, I don't get it.

He's like, fuck them. He's like, I offered to pay. He's like, I got money. He's doing that thing where he's like flexing, as they say. He's like, I got the money. And I'm like, why don't you just buy first class initially? You don't have the money.

You didn't say that. I didn't say anything. I'm overhearing. You're hoping you win. I did win. I've already been upgraded. Oh, okay, great. So that's what I know.

He's like, why can't I get this ticket? This is bullshit. The system's rigged. I am standing there being like, I got it. I'm shocked that they wouldn't take the money over upgrading some nobody. Well, because I'm not a nobody. I'm a fucking.

Well, I guess you're diamond now. Well, I'm platinum. I'm about to be diamond. I got all the miles, whatever. I did well on the road. So I think they wanted to upgrade me. That'll do it. I think they saw it.

But anyways, so I get upgraded. I'm in seat 5A all the way to Salt Lake City. And there's four women in front of me, two in this row. And I'm behind them as we board. And they're annoying as shit. They're just loud and oh, just cackly, loud, having a party, having a good time. Can't stand them.

One of them goes, people don't like flying. They say they don't like flying. I find it relaxing. I don't get it. And I just want to be like this. No, you don't. You're trying to be different. Shut up.

Relaxing. Yeah. Flying's relax. If you fly private, maybe relaxing. Sure. There's nothing relaxing. You're standing in line right now. You're boarding.

It runs out of overhead space. You got to put your belt on. It's noisy. They come around. They make a million announcements. Nobody's relaxed on a plane. No, no. It takes five hours.

You're stuck here. You can't use your phone. It's a bummer. There's 150 strangers in there. The toilet smells like shit. It's like rocking like this. What are you talking about? We're all farting.

The Taliban. It sucks. I hate these people. They got to try to be like, I like flying. It's relaxing. It's not relaxing. Maybe you like it. What do you have?

It's special needs kid in the 80s. You don't like flying. It's not relaxing. Fuck you. Put the wings on that whore. And then you get the, I like cold pizza. Yeah, yeah. We all like cold pizza.

You're not interesting. Blow me. Shut up. We've talked about before. Who they put the fries in the burger. Putting the fries in the burger. Get the hell out of here. But anyways, it's not relaxing.

So I already hate this woman. Now they're sitting in front of me. The woman in front of them is friends. She sits like, you're going to shit. You're going to spit water all over the place and take your pants off and shove it in Chuck's mouth. She does this. As soon as we take off, sits like this.

100% of the flight talking to her friends. Oh wow, you got crazy. That's crazy. And so I'm sitting here. And I'm going to have a woman facing me. I can't nap, I can't watch a movie. Just imagine. I can't handle it.

How could it was this right now? I hate every minute of it. I mean, it's insane. That's brutal. Four and a half hours straight of this fat, bimbo douche. I mean, she never turned around. What? And you want to nap.

You want to put your hood on and nap. But I can't sleep with a woman facing me. And I'm watching a movie the whole time. I'm just doing this. Oh my god. She pulled an AC Slater on a Delta flight. I wanted to take her face and smash her the fuck out of it. I'm like, turn around.

This is so rude. That's rude to be facing the opposite way. I'm sorry. It is. It's brutal. Sorry. I got a little semen on the trip there. But holy hell.

I've flown every week for the last 28 years. I mean, that's your 9-11. 100% of flight. I was like, Costanza, it's very effeminate. I mean, I couldn't believe it. But it's just I could not exist. And I just hated her more and more. You can't do anything.

There's just a face facing you, the fucking douchebag. So there's a lady next to you, and she's talking to her. No, no, no. The lady next to me was cool. She had a huge rack, by the way, which never happens on a plane, I think. Good times. But she was just whatever.

This lady's not even involved. She's a regular or whatever lady. So who's she talking to? There's these two ladies are facing this way. This lady's two rows in front. I'm in 5A. She's in 3B, talking to 4A and 4B. And you're passing your head double D.

Yes, exactly. I see. Massive kids. OK. Just kept being like, whew. But anyways. We got a seatbelt extender? That was the only savior.

But I just defaced the whole time. That's the whole story. I fucking hated her. I'm with you. That is a nightmare. But they were also drunk. And they got drunker. And then a woman, how about this?

We throw the language around there. But in public, I'm a gentleman. She's talking. She's like, but I told her, you're a fucking cunt. She said, fucking cunt. I'm like, what are you saying? Who fucking raised you, you fucking animal? Yeah, who got you a fucking cunt?

Who got her a first class ticket, this coos? I don't know what's going on. You know what it was like? It was like Goodfellas, the scene of the wives. I'll tell you, I'll cut your fucking hand up. She spends her life in a nightgown. That's what they were of the same. They were Long Island ladies.

Yeah, I see. I know the ilk. Bad makeup, big hair. Got the blue shit on their face, like Braveheart. But anyways. Wow, what a nightmare. You want first class to be enjoyable, then you got a backwards coos.

It was brutal. Also, the talking, because you can't as loud as you can go. Yeah, of course, of course. It was awful. But then, how about this? This was interesting. I never had this in my life. This is just a fun little note.

I get off the plane and have a transfer layover, or whatever you call it. What's that called? Connection. A connection to get from Salt Lake City to Portland. I get off the plane. You always had that thing where's my gate? I got to figure it out.

I got a 30 minute thing. I walk off and I'm like, it says gate A-19. And I'm like, all right, A-19. And I'm like, wait, this is A-19. OK, wait, that's the wrong. So I switch and I'm like, A-19, A-19. I'm at the gate. Have you ever had that?

That never happened. I landed at the gate that the transfer is. And then I realize, it's the same plane. And then I'm waiting for an upgrade. And the seat available is 5A. I can upgrade again. Same seat. Wow, that's Jerry's apartment.

That's right. Wow, that's amazing. Because I'm usually, you know, you get to Atlanta. And you're like, I'm in E-9. And I got to be at A-4. And you're like, gee, I got to take a tram, a transition. Caitlyn Jenner, I'm all over the place. And you start running like home alone.

Kevin, you got your luggage. You're trying to beat the clock. Brutal. Yeah, but this was nice. So I went to Cafe Rio, got a nice burrito, went over, landed in Portland. And what a time in Portland, by the way. I mean, that club is killer.

And so many Tuesdays. And I was worried because you were there two weeks earlier. But they all came back out. They got nothing to do. They were so thrilled. And it was nice. Derek was supposed to come down with his kids and hang out. But the kid got Joey, little Joe got sick.

He shit his pants a couple of times. Make a wish. And so he didn't come. I went to Powell's bookstore. I spent three hours there. It's a cool store, huh? It's the best. It's just the best.

But I made a move on the lady in there once. It was exciting. Oh, really? Well, there's so many nooks and crannies, you can really slipper a bookmark. Oh, you're going to that erotica section. It's quite delightful, which I do. Good about it.

Hardcover over here. I went up there. I spent the whole day over there. And that city, we talked about this last week. We got it. This city's got to get control of the homeless people. I'm sorry. The banana's out there.

It's like a monster movie. Walking dead. And the heroin is just open. Streets right out there. And the hotel's not in the great place. It's not like a bad neighborhood. It's a bad neighborhood, but not a bad neighborhood. It's just a shitty neighborhood.

It's just boring. There's nothing to do. It's kind of a bummer over there. There's nothing going on. Yeah, it sucks. It's very gray and rainy. And I always say that my opener in Portland was like the homeless situation is out of control,

but REI is killing it because it's all tents. They all have fucking backpacks on and travel gear and little cooking things on a pan. Crazy. I think it's all donated, and they come, and they give them, they help them out. But then there's just crazy people in the streets. And I went over to Starbucks across from the hotel.

And because of COVID or whatever, they don't let you in. All these places. Yeah, they're bad out there. Cut corners that they didn't want to. Like my gym doesn't have towels anymore. Right. They're just like, eh, COVID. It doesn't even make sense.

You just don't want to clean the towels, you asshole. I can't get blown. She's blaming COVID. It's brutal. It's coming to the home. Blown. 19-year-old. So don't you miss those.

But anyways. Good times. So like I said, I had a bunch of 19-year-olds in my life. I had one 19-year-old and I was 20. Nah, that's not bad. That's not bad. That's one. That was a fun noise.

What was I talking about? I went to Starbucks. The hobos. Oh, yeah. They don't let you in. So you got to stand out line. I feel so vulnerable. And of course, a toothless fella comes over.

He's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go, yeah, what? And they just linger because I'm waiting in line. So I can't just keep walking. Have to let it linger. So we're just sitting there. And finally I go, all right, I got a few bucks. I go in my pocket and I'm doing very well.

So all I have is a fistful of 20s. And I go, ah, here you go. I give him the 20. What? Because I'm like, I want him to leave me alone. He can't make change either. And then I was, well, first I said, I can get you a bagel and a coffee.

You want a bagel and a coffee? He goes, nah, I really need arrangements or whatever the fuck, blankets or whatever the fuck. And I was like, well, why don't I get your coffee and a thing? And he's like, I really need money. And so I gave him a 20. And he goes, you know what?

I will get a coffee and a bagel. So then he gets in line. What? He got in line, not in front of me, behind me. So he gets a coffee and a bagel. And I'm like, I would just give him your coffee and bagel. Now he gets a coffee and bagel plus 14 bucks this guy. Oh, I hate this guy.

Well, whatever. He seemed nice. And then I felt bad because he said that, you know, after a while, the lady's name was like, Mahilda. And he's like, I bet your family's from Germany or the Netherlands. And that made me sad because I'm like, oh, this guy's like smart. He's just fucking lost his shit.

I wonder if it's dementia or just an addict. Well, he's missing all his teeth. So I assume it was some kind of acid or whatever. How's he going to eat the bagel, I wonder. That's tough. I think it's soft. You just chew it with your gums or something. The old gum job.

Gum chew. Gum chew. That's something. Yeah, Portland, they're ramping over there. Speaking of drugs, I will say LA, I got handed, I get handed drugs every now and then by the crowd. I got handed more drugs in LA than anywhere else.

Yeah, I was saying this in Portland. I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like you're not like a drug guy. Not the biggest druggy, but they come in handy at a party. Sure, but they act like you're, you know, stand-hope or Kurt Cobain. I see you. I feel like you do a lot of exercising and writing.

That's true. Yeah. You know what it is? I think they want to give you something. They want to be, and they've got the drugs, and they go, this is fun. Well, yeah. It's a hand-off situation.

It's fun. I think when you do drugs, you tell a story. It's a good story. So they're like, oh, he likes drugs. But I'm like, I don't, it's funny because all these people are like, Mark, with the drugs, you're going to talk to him with the drugs. I'm like, I know him quite well.

I don't think he's got a drug problem. He's got abs. No drugs. I mean, the green-hulk thing, I think. That was bad. That was bad. Won't happen again. But they're like, you know how we just give him,

he gets fistful of drugs. And I'm like, what? You should give him dumbbells and joke books or whatever. You know what I mean? It's tough to travel with, but yeah. But yeah, I got a lot of mushrooms and weeds. So it's minor shit. It ain't heavy-duty narcotics.

But I will say, I've been flying with these mushrooms, not noticing it. And I'm just going through security like, oh, I got like illegal shit in my bag, but a lot of contraband. But hey, haven't gotten caught yet. Contra fucking banned. That was a bad line and departed. That's right.

That's right. Yeah, departed's got some holes in it. Nicholson really overdoes it. It's got some real little stickers. By the way, I'm re-watching American Beauty for Joe and Ron on Tuck Movies. That movie is straight up bad. I loved it when it came out.

I liked it when it came out, but I was 17. I mean, it is bad. It's one best picture also. It's bad news bears. Well, everybody in hindsight started trashing it. Well, what's the flaw? I mean, I don't want to get into Iranans territory here. I mean, I'm 10 minutes in.

First of all, it's so fucking cartoonish. It's so on the nose. And what would be better is if, I mean, they're going to hear this again if they listen to the other podcast, but it should be nobody, a guy doesn't want to fuck a high school kid like this. He's doing that. And then he's like, do you want to ride?

I can give you a ride. I mean, I don't know if you have a car. It would be more subtle. Because you don't want to get busted. Exactly. There's repercussions to trying to fuck a teenager. That's a good point. He should be like this.

And you want to come over or like the movie Happiness. Do you ever see that movie? Oh, that's dark. That movie ruins American beauty because it's like so dark and fucked up and it's real. It's so authentic. This movie and like Annette Benning is like, I don't have plants.

I can get plants. Why don't I get plants? Like they're just playing it for comedy. It's so fucking goofy and silly. And it doesn't hold up great. But Annie doesn't fuck the girl, which is a little off-putting. I mean, he's literally sitting there like this. Yeah.

And you're like, that's how. And Patrice had that great joke about the TSA guys smelling your shoes with a straight face, how guys could keep a really straight face inside of like, yeah, you fucking nasty feet. I'll eat your asshole. That's the thing about men and women. They hide it.

Yeah. You're talking to a woman. You're just thinking about eating her out on a Sunday. All day long. But you're like, yeah, you want to get a coffee or something like that? Yeah. That's real life.

That's real life. Yeah, good point. No one's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, look at those titties. Whoa. Well, that's when I do acid. But you're right. It's true. It's definitely a little too cartoony.

It's a little too over the top. It's a spoon fit. Yes. And then he's like, I got to get a mustang, a 60 or whatever, a charger. It's all, yeah, you're right. It's on the nose. And then the guy's like, I filmed a bag and it was crazy.

And then she's like, I want to kill my dad. You're like, do you? It doesn't seem horrible. He's not that bad of a guy. And they're like, we're the couple that's fighting. She's the unhappy. Why? She fucks the obvious guy that is the king of real estate.

The Gallagher, yeah. And it's just, pfft. All right, good point. The homophobic guy is gay. Right, right. What a twist. By the way, it doesn't hold up either. It's funny how gay has just changed something.

At the beginning, he's like, these are my neighbors. Jim and Jim. Right. And they're just like two regular gay guys. Yeah. Like I'm not offended, but you are like, that was like a joke in 1999. He's like, look at this.

I got a couple of queers next to me. Completely, yeah. I mean, Will and Grace was just this giant gay parade of like homo flamboyant guys like, I'm getting shoes. And the crowd's like, yeah, get those shoes, homo, woo. He's really gay. Yeah, exactly.

Even the guy, Will, was friends with Grace. And he would be like, I got some action last night. And the crowd would laugh. And you're like, well, he's gay. He fucked a guy. That's what they do. That's not funny. Yeah, it's really fun and silly.

Whatever. Anywho. Anywho. What a week. Things are cooking. We got gigs. We got road dates. We want you to come say hello.

We got new shirts. Where's Mark? So things are cooking. You got to get those made up. You got about one day to get them cooking. I'll get them cooking. Wait, what was I going to say? The picture is big, by the way.

We got the episode coming up this week from. Oh, Skankfest app. Skankfest app is going up. Live app. And the Royers' RedEP with Shane Gillis is up. The Skankfest app had H Foley and. Ian Finance, Kevin Ryan. That's his name.

R U Garbage. We got the R U Garbage guys. We got Ian Finance. That was a killer app. Went a little long. Couldn't really wrap it up. But we had some pearls in there. Royers' RedEP was amazing.

We shot a hot gay sets last night at PS109. Oh, hey, Chuck, he's on it. So a lot of good stuff. Yeah, we had Soder. We had Louie. We had Hagen, me, you, the butler, the other guy. It was a T.J. Miller. Oh, Miller popped in, yeah.

Matt Wayne. That was great. Good to see Wayney. Another weird thing on the plane with a guy next to me was doing an aggressive wipe down. He had his own thing. It was like crazy. And he was a young guy.

He was like doing this. And then I felt bad because we talked about the trick. You bring a coffee. So you can just have your mask down the whole time. Oh, that's good. Do you like the coffee? So I'm like, he must hate me. Right.

I'm picking my nose and touching the thing. He probably thinks you're some alt-right Nazi. Don't you always feel as if it's the germ people? I always am like, let's count how often more you get sick than I do. I think about that every time. Like how much better are your chances? I know.

I know. And you might be making yourself sicker. You don't realize it because you're killing your immune system. But my big, I try to play ball. I wear the mask everywhere. I do all the bullshit. But the one protest, the one time I push back

is getting on a plane. They go, here's your little dumb wipey. And I go, I'm good. Yeah, I said the same thing. Do you really? No, I don't want it. Because they don't like that. They go, well, you don't want it.

It's like the AIDS ribbon in Seinfeld. They're like, who doesn't want to wear the ribbon? Who doesn't want to wipe down their shit? It's a waste because I fly 14 times a day. So I'm like, it's too many things. I care more about the environment than the fucking COVID. Yeah, that little. You're just handing me shit for no reason.

That little jizz rag. They don't biodegrade well. I'll tell you that. It's like the Hedberg joke. It's like, you throw this away for me. Exactly. I'm like, I'm just going to hand this back to you when you come through with the trap.

Right, right. Or I'll put in a little fucking vanilla folder back behind the seat and never see it again. Exactly. Same like with the Biskoff cookie. It reminds me of the Seinfeld. You do me a favor. Hold on to that one.

Get rid of the Biskoff. That's a doorstop. It's a brick. It should be put on a shelf and never looked at again. I hate the Bisk. Nobody wants a Biskoff. I mentioned the Biskoff. But yeah, join the fucking Patreon.

We got, like I said, hot gay sets, the other thing coming out, a bunch more stuff. We got a studio coming. Woo! We're renting a studio. We're going to start shooting some stuff there. I think we're going to try to grab another bonus here in a second.

We're kicking it up a notch, folks. You've got to get on it. All kinds of good stuff. All kinds of old stuff, too. Just backlog as bananas on its own. So get cooking, get gay, and queef it up. Where are you going to be? Three bucks, by the way.

You can get on there for. I am going to be Chicago this weekend. Come on out. Pack it out. Chicago, it's a big market. I was supposed to be there in March, August of 2019. And I was supposed to be there. God knows when.

Getting the COVID bump. So please come to that. This week and get your tickets. And it'll sell us a small room. Berlin. I cannot believe how many people. It blows my mind. I talked about it here.

I've gotten 50 emails. The tickets are already half sold out in like four hours. So one of these people that wanted the link, go get the tickets. It's up in my Insta stories. It's on my Twitter. You can find it now. The ticket link is up.

Get them stat. Because I don't want to add a second show. It's going to be jet lag, the whole thing. So it's going to sell out. So do it. Go there. I can't wait to hear about the German gaze. This is going to be wild.

There's so many. I mean, I got more responses than any gig in the States. Well, you never go. You're never going to go again. I mean, it's great. The Berlin wall. Bill Berlin. Berlin is big.

So Berlin, December 11th. I think it is. December 11th. And then next weekend, Providence Comedy Connection. That's like a hometown gig. The 26th and 27th Thanksgiving weekend. Come out to that. Oh, Cleveland.

One night in Cleveland. December 1st, Wednesday. One night only, Cleveland. Steamer. Yes. Come to that. Hilarity's best food ever. One night.

Get the tickets. That's it, folks. One show. Coming and going. All right. That's it for me. Get on it. I'll be in Vancouver this weekend.

We had a show on Thursday. Come on out. I'd never come to the BC. I'm excited about it. The Cove. Oh, Canada. Then New Orleans for Thanksgiving. A hometown hero coming back in.

Let's sell that puppy out if I don't. It's going to be embarrassing in front of my parents. Then I'm at Royal Oak, Michigan, Atlanta, Buckhead Theater, and Charlotte Comedy Zone for two nights, and Milwaukee Improv. Brand new room. I'm excited. And I love Wisconsin.

It's going to be freezing cold. Go Packers. Fudge pack my ass. Go Pack Joe. That'll do it for us. Praise Allah. Thanks a lot. Wait for it up.