Tuesdays with Stories! - #428 Puke and Run

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

It's a whirlwind of an ep this week as Mark's bike goes missing before a nightmare trip to Vancouver while Joe has a hell of a time at Starbucks. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), BetterHelp (betterhelp.com/tuesdays), Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays), & Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey, hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by blue chew You're getting older. So sometimes the genie doesn't always come out of the lamp no matter who's rubbing it. Well Alakazam blue chew is here to grant your wish of a better dick Alakazam, I don't know it feels Racist towards them maybe a Muslim who knows look we've all tried it. We all enjoyed it blue chew is good You pop it in you take a nibble and boom your heart is a rock on Tuesday. You got to do it. Why take the chance? That's all mental folks You start thinking about the boner and you can't get it up and then you can't get it back. It's a mess

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Visit blue chew.com. I get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code Tuesdays just pay $5 for shipping again. That's blue chew Dot-com promo code Tuesdays to try it for free visit blue chew dot-com for more details and important safety information And we thank blue chew for sponsoring the podcast. Love you blue chew Hey mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag Surf's up

And she didn't even flush knock knock who's there? Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy Here we are We're here. We're queer what shake and you got the red on very loud. Good hoodie. It's loud I don't know. I got red and red red on top round the bottom The black folk like the matching I went to public school and it was like oh shit. You don't match. Yeah, they like to match I mean I'm and and be and a lot of all new balance and you got Nike a lot of ends in the sneakers Yeah, a lot of n words. Yeah, we're doing it up

Boy, it's been a wild run. I feel like I haven't seen you in a minute. Yeah, it's weird because we just recorded didn't we? I mean it was only a week ago. Wasn't it was it? No, it must have been Monday. Yeah With Chuck with Chuck who now has COVID Yeah, we out of what we're allowed to doesn't it feel like COVID's like this dirty thing It's like being gay in the 40s. Yeah, or the 90s. Sure, Ellen Isn't that a sweet letter that that Zaini's letter? She writes to Zaini's and it's like I'd like to middle act I'm clean. Please have me. I love that letter. I took a photo of it when I was there It's fun seeing people at the bottom. I mean she is a bottom

But it's fun seeing people when they start especially when you know them as a superstar Yeah, it's very exciting and to have her be like humble and be like, please let me let me work here and I'm funnier than this This is just a business email. That's Zaini's What are some clubs that have as much history like you feel it? Yeah, danger feels was like that, but it's gone Right strip comic strip. Yes, they have a thing framed of Seinfeld doing is filling out a card for an open mic Right, that's exciting and someone writes like strong material. I think it's Lucian is like strong material Little dick or something. Yeah, ugly face Too early for Lucian. I don't know whoever it was, but the Zaini's old town Chicago

Which they call it downtown because they've Rosemont in downtown and all the locals like this isn't downtown I'll tell you that you're like, all right. Well, that's the name of the club But that route you walk in and it's palpable whatever that word means. Yes It's just a hundreds and hundreds of headshots black and white everyone's dead tons of Jay Leno photos Yeah, a lot of Odees People quit it used to be a Titty bar back in the day Vaudeville or not vaudeville. What's the other one?

Burlesque, yes, Bill Burlesque, you know, I think would kill on sixty-five four thousand dollar pyramid whatever that thing Man, we would clean up. We would just look at each other and fart and I go Holocaust I don't think we gotta get we should put together a show. Yes, because it's the other one We flip up or something like that where oh flip cup. No, it's it's heads up heads up Yes, we got a challenge someone we got a challenge someone on heads up I mean, I feel like we would dominate Dominatrix Dom I rara Tom DeLauisse

Yeah, it's a great idea. Let's we should go around the country doing heads up seven up and just really cook Yeah, like like street vendor people we bark them in and then like watch these two go right. It's like, you know, yeah, whatever Seinfeld bartender But we would clean up but then they'd go all they got it to set up they're grifters They're they're hustlers. They're root. They're rucking us. We go. No, no, you do it Dom DiMaggio. Just thought of another Dom Sorry, I was having trouble with the Dom's Hey, that's fun cash it but any tits What was they saying? Oh, I love I've had Domino's since the 70s. You're doing well

I feel like you were more addicted to Domino's than booze. Well the reflux I had to cut down on all this stuff, but then I was back to the ENT. I went to the ENT was fantastic Wait, wait, the EMT ENT. Oh, yeah, and T ENT your nose throat emergency Nazi trial There was a few of those back in the day. That's true. I don't know if there were emergencies, but well, I think I've got pretty hairy Yeah, it was bad news bears those Nazis are not great Not see yeah, they stuck but

So I went to the ear nose because I was freaking out after skank fest because I was having cigars up the ass and hot sauce And then just get anxiety and hadn't been in a couple years You know the reflux can can lead to esophageal cancer And everybody nobody's helpful. Everyone wants to be like this Oh, you better be careful with the thing and I just cannot stop eating Chipotle and marinara Yeah smoking cigars and then we yell a lot. We talk a lot, right and we're in Houston. It's Mexican food. It's Barbecue, it's booze. It's cigars. Yeah podcast. You're just screaming your butts off Well, and I did the roast you go first you feel great

But then as you're sitting there you start to have that anxiety of like oh, yeah, does everybody hate me Is he mad so then that anxiety manifests into like what if you have cancer, right? I'm looking at my own throat. I'm like is that red is that bumpy? so I'm neurotic so I made an appointment went to the ear nose throat doctor and What a relief going to the doctor's fantastic. I was so anxious Freakin out he puts the scope up your nose that goes all the way down into your world Does that hurt? It's not great, but it really saved me from the COVID to like COVID testing does not bother me No, it's a little because this thing goes all the way down into your throat and he looked at it

And I was afraid of cancer and his nurse. She was like to get out of here doctor. She starts laughing She's like that's hilarious and then he looked And I was like well, it's he's like it's a little red. It's irritating. You gotta lay off the hot sauce You gotta okay gotta lay off the hot sauce on show night He's a good enough a show have some hot stuff But this is bad it's gonna irritate swell it up and he's like the cigars are bad I don't want to get into why cigars are bad but lay off the cigars, okay And I'm like but what about I gotta get cancer. He's like you're not a cancer guy

What is it? You're totally a cancer guy. That's all you talk about. I'm he's saying you're not gonna get it He's like you're not a guy because I don't smoke. I don't drink He's a doctor. He's looking in there. He's like he's like look at you. He's like you're thin He's like you take care of yourself the people it's the people that are smoking and drinking like, uh, you know a tell A teller should be going every three hours to get his throat checked Right, right deep throat, but he laughed me off. He's like get out of here. He's like you had endoscopy two years ago I'm like do I need another one? He's like what? No

He's like go. I don't even know what an endoscopy is. That's the one when they put the camera all the way into your asshole Wow Goes way down. Damn the anal cam. He's like you don't have barrets. You don't have esophageal anything. He's like you're totally fine This is the best news I've ever heard. I feel like a hundred bucks. I went straight out and ate a bunch of marinara and chipotle Yeah, I mean well now that you know that all that good news. What are you gonna? stew about You got nothing you got all this brain this open space free now Oh, it's plenty to stew. Well, I had stopped stewing for a long time. All right

I just started re stewing. Ah bad stew re stew stew suck cliff Stewy griffin stew heart But beef stew Oh, I love beef stew bring it on ladle it if you're a guy named stew You gotta have the nickname beef stew, right? I hope unless you're a fucking vegan. Yeah, or like a skinny prick hate these skinny guys Uh, but anyways clean bill of health now. I know you got a lot going on You got a lot cooking big stuff big meat big asshole big stew I don't want I don't want to take up any more of my ear nose throat business, but I'm cancer free

I love it. I love the hearing that that's great news. Good to have you back And I'm glad you can live free and breathe clear. It's nice, but god these doctors It's outrageous how expensive they are. It's bananas. I wear rubbery. I was just in canada health care I got my asshole checked. Did you nah, I should have Yeah, we need to have that health care taken care of feels like we could do it, right? Oh 100% we won't get into it. We did that a couple weeks ago at austin. I think we broke it down and nobody Called me a nazi. So don't read the comments. Oh shit. Are they bad?

I read a few there was a lot of these guys don't know shit about whatsoever and I'll give them what for and uh, the whole thing so Well, we're a couple of comics. We're zinging and zinging Yeah, nobody knows what's what anything. No cares. We got a filled time blow me, but I got too much to talk about some good some bad some happy some sad What's this bad? I mean, I you can't you alluded to bad twice. Can we just get the bad out of the way? Not bad for you is bad for me. Well, I don't like bad for you bad for you is bad for me because I care about you Oh, well, that's nice. All right. Uh-oh speaking of bad party's over Here comes old dick tits. This cat gets more mixed reviews than a than a woody allen fill

I mean I bump it. I'm in chicago. I'm meeting and greeting by the way chicago unbelievable. He sold every seat. It was so exciting Yeah, but the twos get it come up. They go you got to get rid of the cat the cat is shit Ruins the podcast worse than they've ever happened. I'm like jesus christ. All right. I'll kill the cat kill the cat He walks away next guy comes up. He's wearing cat ears. He's got a tail He brings me cat food kibbles and bits. Right. I got you know, I got playing with the yarn I got act outs and bits and and he's like you got to get greg the cat get a second cat Yeah, you each have a cat. Right. You should do it in the cat cage. Sure. Sure cat woman cat nip scratch fever

Um, all right. Well the cat in the hat So we'll just dive right into it. Please hit me with the bad. All right. We're going bad first Get it out of the way when people say good news bad news always take the bad first, of course you want the bad Yeah, so uh, the good news isn't that good though. It's never good You like that like the bad news is your father has cancer the good news is uh, the socks are playing tonight It's taco night. You're like jesus christ. All right, but uh, so What's what's that day wednesday?

It's wednesday night last week in new york city beautiful night 60 degrees I got vancouver on thursday, which is a hellish slog I mean, that's a cross country and a cross border and a covet You know, it's just a lot of horseshit. Get up here dick. Is this direct No, you can't do direct anymore because you got to stop for covet and talk to him and you know Blow up hockey player and eat some maple syrup. I hate covet covet's ruining my germany trip by the way I'll get well. Yeah buckle up fatty because it's it's you haven't seen the most of it yet. So I go, all right. It's wednesday night. I got four sets

Now four sets in new york is uh, it's a tall order because you know, I got the comic strip I got west side comedy club. I got the stand and I got gotham So i'm upper east upper west Lower east lower west basically So it's uh, it's uh, it's a tough night maneuvering wise, but I got the hog Right, so I got the hog and I'll go I'll zip I'll zap I'll zing and I'll zang right So, uh, everything's going to plan. I map it out. I text all the producers Hey, can I go first on this one last on that one third on this one? It's all lock it in pipes

Lock it in too. Well, we're like oh something's going on here. So I fly up to west side comedy club do the set great show packed out zip over to The comic strip knock it out hot show everything's running on time. I locked the bike up. I run on stage boom mark I'm kevin hard. All right. I leave unlock the bike bam barrel it down to gotham Hot show killer stuff. I got a gaffigan's there. How you doing lock the bike up Do a couple pull-ups go on it got them. Hey, I finish unlock the bike zip down to new york comedy club Park the bike look at my phone Hey, you're fine. You got plenty of time all good

Don't worry about it. I was like, oh, okay. So you can relax a little you're not late Put the bike down or I you know, I park it This guy walks up this guy kevin. I haven't seen this guy in years. He's uh used to date schumer Or he's an old road uh road manager guy Nice guy's got kids now. We chat we chat. He goes. I saw the bike pull up I said hello somebody comes out from the club. I go you're on I go on Fun show hot crowd a lot of gays doing my thing doing some new stuff and I get this one The stretch the stretch

I guess somebody wasn't there or the host went gay or had diarrhea. Who knows so I'm stretching supposed to do 15 minutes I end up doing 20 whatever no biggie get off stage. Thanks for stretching. Here's your money You want a water? Yeah, give me a water and I'm talking to this guy at the in the lobby area of new york comedy club And I go what the hell I look at the window. That's weird bike's gone. Hmm. So I was like, oh, that's weird. Ah, maybe somebody's playing with it. Maybe I'm Weafing my vision's off. I go outside the bike's just gone. My wall. It's gone. Wallet is gone that tearing sound So I'm like, what the hell? And I see these guys on a stoop, you know shooting dice smoking dope and I go, hey, do you guys see a bike here?

He goes nah, nah, but there's a lot of shelters around here a lot of homeless shelters and I go, uh So I go, I guess the bike got stolen Because I feel like if it got towed, that's the other option you'd see a beep beep beep Yeah tow takes hours days days no one's getting towed in 15 minutes 20 and a half hour Totally so I'm like, huh totally. Yes Foot finger so I'm like, well also and the guy goes, did you lock it up and I go, I guess I did Oh, that's that Kevin Kevin fucked you Kevin

So I'm like and you have that denial you're like, oh somebody's fucking with me. It's something's going. I walk around the block Maybe I'll see it. Maybe a guy's playing with it because it still has no keys in it So you can't start it But you could just walk away with it, you know, right, but who wants to walk away with the bike? I know Jimmy it or jig it or yeah N word rig who knows but either way the bike's not where I parked it I couldn't be towed. So I said fine. I'm calling the police. Okay. I call the police You're a real Karen. I know right so the police show up and

They got there in like 20 minutes and I'm starting to get like the sadness is hitting me like ah the hog You've had it for years people know about the hog. You love the hog. You fuck the hog. Hi on the hog. Yes Hogs and heffers. All right hog warts. So uh cops show up now. Here's the clinker hog and us Oh nice So the cops show up and it's two young guys got an asian guy and an indian guy Indian like Like from india. I see, you know, the hola la la la curry the other stuff curry favor. Yeah. Yeah cabs

So he's like, uh, all right, let you know, he's got the notepad. All right. Where'd you park it right here? Okay, what what year is it? What's the VIN number and I'm pulling out all the bullshit And he goes, uh, huh. So what do you do? And he you know, the cops are very dismissive They're like, all right, they won't really look you in the eye and all these people are come out of the show now They're going huge Tuesday. Let me get a photo kevin hard. I praise Allah Queef it up anal house greg and these guys are like who is this dude And they cops don't give a shit and then one of them goes Were you on rogan and I go, yeah done it a couple times. Oh my god. Yeah, I guess they googled me

Weird. So now they're like you want you've been on rogan. We love rogan. They're going nuts and I'm like, oh, yeah defund the police whatever and So then we're gonna get that bike but That was it. I got their numbers. They said here's a here. Call us if you need anything and uh, that's what we're at What that's the end that's still searching There's no bike. Well, what do you want? I mean, I it's gone. I told the police. They got they made a report I'm I'm not mad. I'm upset. You don't have the bike. I thought it was your hand happy I thought this was gonna be a fun story where they went out and they searched and they found a guy

They kicked in his door. They shot him twice or whatever. I told you it was bad Oh my god. Well, I thought it was gonna be bad and then redeem or something No, so it's out. It's missing right now currently currently it's out there I'm sure it's in the Bronx getting chopped up and fucked up the pooper right of the tailpipe. So New york gays if you're out and about keep an eye peeled for the golden brown 1986 garelli It could be anywhere. I mean, it could be jersey could be connecticut the tri-state areas long island I mean, let's get some eyes out on this thing. Yes an apb. Whatever that is. Ashley brook roberts. Yeah Wait bro, bro wasn't even close. All right, but you know what? I mean help us out anal. Oh my god, bitch

So, uh, yeah, it's out there. Jerry. Here's an interesting thing Because I heard a little bit about this thing. What do you mean? Well, I heard That night I got no idea but that night wednesday I was at the cellar. Okay, and then sarah was at new york comedy club. Yeah later or maybe at the same time I think I saw her and I jogged over And I was texting with you. That's right. We were texting that night And then we came out and we were talking about something. She's like, oh, mark's bike gets stolen from here. I guess And I was like, oh, that's crazy. I was like, I'm texting with him right now and she's like, yeah

And I was like, what happened? I don't know what's going on and she's like, I don't know. I just heard someone say that Yeah, I was like weird and then I texted you back. We texted a couple more times But then I just forgot about it and you never brought it up So I thought I don't want to bother anybody and then we were texting. So I was like, I don't think that had I don't think that's Oh, I think it must be done. I just assumed I figured it was gotten back and then it moved on. That's why we were texting regular text Right, right. No, I was texting through tears. Oh my god. The bike But yeah, the bike I walked home with my head between my taint

But the bike feels like rosy perez and white man can't jump like it always leaves Does it feel like a final time? No, it does feel like I might fight But maybe I'm just being in denial or my kid's uh kidnapped and I'm going Oh, he'll turn up or my dad went out and got a pack of cigarettes and I'm like, that's coming back But maybe he won't because maybe you can sing to it at jeopardy and win it back or whatever Like you gotta throw the hookshot up there and make it right. What is it quints? You never know the start for the letter q. I don't know taberlin

Yeah, and a hookshot What a great cut that is It's a hell of a film great picture. What do you guys not that's ganna. You're over here on the whatever it was You're shooting for the sedan I don't know what that means. Oh Sudan because the the backboards are flags that represent whatever countries these fellows are from And he has to shoot the thing, but it's ridiculous It's that that part of this it's an amazing movie great script But that's that he's like he puts up his car

right Like he's Betting his car on a one-handed hookshot three quarters the length of the court, right? Are you like, what kind of bet is that also? I love of the security guard. I know get you on to the program on tv this giant game show By the way, I was watching rudy today because I needed a little motivation. You know Yes, that rudy had a profound effect on my life. Oh really? Well, he's a blue collar kid from the small town and he's like they're all mean to him and he's like

I'm gonna be somebody you'll see and they're like this shut up. You faggot right. That's how I grew up. So I really relate uh, but anyways so I'm watching the movie and I don't know how well, you know rudy, but The first gaze he goes to school. He's at noted. He's going to the holy cross Community college across the street. He's trying to get into the football game and he can't The fighting irish. Yeah. Yes, the little guy with the knuckles. So he's trying to get in there To the game. There's a big game day and he was working for the boosters

But and he was going to get into the game because he works for the Notre Dame boosters But he gets kicked out because he's drunk and he says I don't go to school here boosters shot So they're like you can't uh, I got one so or I didn't whatever you guys did so uh He can't get into the game But he works for the grounds crew. This would be more fun if you if you knew the movie, right? He's got a job in the grounds crew. I'm like you can get to the game You work at the stadium you mow the lawn at the football stadium

Yeah, just throw the uh windbreaker on and pop in it doesn't make sense. Uh, no sense Anyways, all right. Well, that's the first Leg is it the only bad? No There's more bad, but there is a redeem a silent redeem. Okay a bad redeem. I like a redeem, but boy. I hope this They they on it or they what is this? They're not on anything. They like rogan. They hate me, but They they drive around once and they go we didn't see it. Sorry kill yourself cam checked the guy went He did the whole uh scouring the area hit all those these cops are very vague and they're they don't look in the eye

They say a lot of fluff words, you know like well, we're gonna find the bike right now. All right. Here we go over here They keep adding words and they won't answer questions. They're very strange. The problem is they don't give a fuck And I wouldn't either as a taxpayer. I'm okay with I'm not giving a fuck Yeah, they got bullets whizzing over their head and a cab and blm and george anal all this shit So who knows anymore, but this is a moped. They're like, oh, we see 13 of these get stolen every 10 seconds It's yada yada yada, and I was like, but look at this one. It's cool. And he was like, that's a good looking pick Yeah, jeez these cops you wait. You just come on help me But what are you gonna do? They gotta go fight crime. There's crimes all over crimes up

9 million people in the city crimes up hosed down Uh, the you see that guy gets that lady shot a lady in the head. Do you see that in the bro in brooklyn? No, I missed it. Yeah. Well, they don't like to put a lot of Certain types of news on for some reason I don't want to get into the news But you see that guy drove through a crowd in wisconsin. Yeah, it's uh, the news is wacky It's wacky to becky these news stories are quite Misleading yes, you got to do what you got to do your own reconnaissance

You go, okay. Well fox said this and then cnn said that but neither of those seem realistic So then you got to like go take a shower and noodle over it like that's not news. Just tell me what fucking happened Yeah, that's wild. I don't want to get into it, but it's it's dog shit out there. It's a whole problem It's a big issue big ish and nothing's what it seems big shoes gay. Yes Not a time not a tee he had a hug. Was it huh? Smirk maybe Uh, wait, so what so the cops are looking for that. So what happens next then you go to vancouver Yeah, so now the hog is gone lost the hog high on the hog low on the hog kills me to think someone has the

I know they're right that thing into the sunset getting laid I think about it all the time because he remembers my suitcase incident in san jose All I think is like somebody has my vintage jimmy buffet t-shirt. It's on the floor somewhere. Yes, it exists Yes matter cannot be created nor destroyed so somewhere it exists You're right. They're probably jizzing in that shirt right now Then throwing it across the room a laptop is laptops with pictures of my wife's asshole all over the fucking town somewhere I got backups if you need those but yeah Either way, it's sad. It's it's a bummer. It's just a thing. They always say that it's just things

You're like, I know but I liked it Yeah, your son's a thing. He's gone. How about that? He took it. Yes. It belongs to me and someone stole it These pieces shit should have locked it up. I hope that guy dies or woman could have been a woman Could have been a woman. They're bad too. Probably a man probably statistically, but either way statistics are bad So uh walked home, you know head between your tits just uh shit that sucks cold night You try to throw a podcast on you can't stop thinking about somebody revving that engine and showing his friends Look at this. Oh, he didn't even lock it up fucking piece of shit. You're like I wonder if he knows you if he saw you. I know that feels like I got mark norman's bike over here like like john voigt

Yes, boss Just driving around on mark norman's hug all right, so Now you just got to come home and you tell the lady she goes. Oh, that's horrible You pack your shit you go to bed you wake up at the crack of quiff to go to van Cooper can I ask you get some nice sex at least though. Do you get the unbumbed sex? No, you know, I wasn't even in the mood Oh, wow. Yeah, I know I couldn't pull it up because uh I don't know. There was no gas in the tank

I just didn't have it. I was just thinking about the hog. I lit a candle. I said a prayer I've had a moment of silence because that's where my mind goes. I'm like if my like parents could sick and die I gotta get a blowjob, right? Don't you get your ass all eaten if your mother dies? It'd be nice Yeah, well what she dies. I'll report back. Please all right, so You know you go to bed you wake up at 5 48 the next day You got to get your uber you got to get your brush your teeth you get your shit together Go don't forget the charger. Don't forget the laptop. Don't forget this. Don't forget the bluetooth

so Here we are jfk seattle delta That's the plan. Okay. Yeah, that's uh, I know I know the fly and I know the terminal. I know it all Exactly terminal two you go over there. Yeah, I just wow. I just did that flight twice twice in three weeks Yeah, yeah, I'm done with west coast. I did la. I did portland. I did vancouver. I did phoenix. I'm good all right, so

Get to delta the guy goes what time is your flight? I was like, ah, I said eight and he and it was like 650 he goes Checked in. I'm like ballot international. Yeah. Oh It's supposed to be two hours for that. He's correct. Really? Well, he's supposed to be there. I mean the two hours is not really necessary, but you have to be there early Yeah, because I got the passport and the thing and the bullshit. Okay. Yeah, well and and covet in canada's covet crazy So I had to get a covet test On monday just to like get your results ready because you got to bring that to the airport

So now I got a covet test. I get there. I'm an hour early Not oh Oh, jeez now it's running over here. Oh, what's happening to oh, that's a big pile of yak over there What's happening? It's getting cuckoo. I think it's jumping up and down. What's the eating something? I think it ate a Oh, man, something's wrong. My yak again. Yeah, it's about to puke again. Oh, shit Oh Jesus well the cat's out the pod. I think that's it. We gotta we gotta cut him But something's wrong. It keeps running. I think he's trying to run from his past

I mean, this is bad news bears. My yak again, and it's twisting its head up weird. He's a he's exercised Yeah, it feels satiny. Oh, he's got a drill a dribble of slobber. I know it's bending its back Oh, do we might die on us here? Should we call may? I mean, this is bad mayday. I mean, this is bad Running I've never seen anything like this. Well the carpets ruin. That's for sure. Do you have to call your wife? I mean, this is wild For the folks at home the cat is making a crazy noise it pukes Yeah, then it arches it back turns its head backwards and then runs Wow pukes in another place. Yeah and runs again. I mean, this seems like uh, it looked like an exorcism

Yeah, I hope he's all right. It must have eaten something wacky. Oh boy Well, now I'm concerned, but uh, we got a pot to do the show must the bike is on What's over there? What's the black thing in front of the door? What is the black thing? Maybe chewed on something Hey, what is that? You're tall Is it a bug a bug like a big let me look over there. All right. Go look over there. I'll uh color commentate So the cat yacked up some weird orange goo and it's on the carpet joe's gonna go check it out and looks Oh, it's a hair tie

Really A lot of it looks like a human puke. Geez there. I gotta clean that up. That's thick God damn it. Something's wrong with the cat. I don't know how bad it is over here. Maybe it hurt the pot. It's not a fan I mean, I think the cat likes come down. What if he took the uh, what do you look at come down? Because he puked over here too. I'm trying to see where it's I think it was just a little bit of gurgle there Gurgle up. I don't think it was a full on Okay, this book's knocked over. Is that a clue? Maybe the book knows where the hog is that cat ate something. It's brown. It looks like a big

Oh, that was weird noise. It was a gurgle itself. That sounded like a star trek villain I never saw a star trek, but you know what I mean. Oh, it's a lot of hurl. All right It is I'm like, I thought it was less but the way it's moving is weird Yeah, well, we don't have chuck but we got up chuck. All right, so Who that farts node picnic either? But uh, all right, we got to try to regroup I hope the grand didn't go into the bedroom and keel over. I know I've never seen anything puke and run. Yeah puke and run bad convenience store You gotta come by the puke and run

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Dung All right, so Get the JFK The lady's giving me shit, you know, you're waiting line now you're sweating because you're like, oh, I'm supposed to be two hours I'm only an hour early and you get to the front of the line and she's like hello And I'm like I'm going to Vancouver. She's like, oh god, you're up against it And she goes, do you have your vaccine card? Here you go. Do you have your COVID test negative? Here you go. Do you have your

Canada entry app What and I go, what's that? She goes, oh, you're supposed to fill out this app Are you supposed to download an app fill out the form? It's the only way to get on the plane And I go, I hate an app now. I gotta make a username password. It's all apps. Jerry fucking hate apps I'm tired of out. I'm sick and tired of fucking apps drives me nuts But you got to just do it right there and you're sweating and I got a coat on and you get the the the backpack there And I'm like, okay address uh password. Okay. Oh now they send you Confirmation now you gotta go outside the app get get on your phone. Okay. Now put that in. It's just such a come guzzler

What was the last vaccination? So you're looking on the card. It's all wrinkled and tattered you put that in Finally after like 15 minutes of beep boop. Ah, we got it And she's like, all right, you're through you're good Get there get on the plane got the whole row. Hey, things are looking up Fly to Seattle land in Seattle We're a little late so they go you better hurry up and get your connection and I'm running and I see a chipotle and I go Damn, I'd love to eat there. It's you know, it's a five and a half hour flight I know that's the thing it fucking ruins your meals these flights

I know these cross-country flights as you eat a breakfast if you're lucky and then your next meal It's like 7 30 p.m. Exactly and the time change not to mention So I'm like trying to check in because I'm like, I want that chipotle. I want I'm starving I want that chipotle I haven't eaten today and it's like you got to go to the gate You got to go to the gate. So I'm like fuck chipotle. Let me just knock this out because who knows what this will be So I run to the gate. There's a line you're waiting the line you get up to the gate and the lady goes You got your uh, canada admission. Hey, you go. You got your vaccine car. Here you go. You got your covid test Here you go. Wait a minute

And you're like, what is it? I've done everything. I swear to god. I did the test. She goes It's got to be within 72 hours. When'd you get the test? I was like, I don't know Monday. She goes hold on It's been 74 hours Come on lady parts. What are we doing here sister? We're splitting hairs fatty And she's like, I don't know and I and she leans over to some fat guy with a vest on. She's like, good, but then he goes So he says no So that that the whole thing shot and I'm like, look yakuza. I gotta get to vancouver. We got two sold out shows tonight She goes, well, you could get a covid test and get on the next flight and I was like, well, what is that land?

She's like 10. I'm like the shows at seven the other ones at nine. We got a bigger work vancouver Yes Good title So I was like, I can't do that. You gotta you gotta let me slide. She's like, hey, it's canada trodo's and brownface They got healthcare and weed and all that you're fucked and I go So what do I do so I get on the horn with the the management and I'm like kind of yelling I don't want to say yelling, but I'm giving the the assistant the business stern stern daniel stern howard It sucks stern

So I uh I'm like, why'd you let me get a test on monday? I should have been tuesday He's like well because the results say they take two days if you got a tuesday might have been too late and he's right He's right, but I just you want to yell at somebody. Yeah, of course so One one lady on the team had a had an interesting idea. She goes. All right. How about this get the test at the airport Rent a car drive the three hours. You'll make it. That seems better. You think I don't know It sounds like something if you've missed the flight you missed the flight

It's like the old seinfeld bit if you missed the flight, there's no alternative. There's no cannon. That's a great bit Cannon remember that? Oh, no, I don't know that bit It was in the book. I don't know if you ever did it. He's like, uh The bit was it was a flight. There's no other option if you missed the train you can get a bus If you don't have the bus you can rent a car. We're on a plane. There's no like cannon when they're like, all right Hold on. That was st. Louis. He's like, that's about Kansas City He's like jump in. Oh, I never heard that because when you land get out of the way because we're setting your luggage right after you It's a fun silly bit. I mean the best part is the act out of moving it from st. Louis to

Kansas City Because that's about The luggage is good Here comes a fucking sampson. I it's fucking hilarious. That's great. Oh, he's gold. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah good so I got because now you're thinking man. I had a cushy 48 minute flight with first class I know and now I'm getting a covet test I'm getting in line to get a covet test and then driving three and a half hours after renting a car

It's all bunkers. Isn't that the instant test or whatever the rapid? Yeah, I'm sick and It's all stupid. It's all stupid. You're like, look at me. Can you do like a field sobriety test? I don't have covet. Let me copy you look at my ass all vaccinated. I'm double vax. I'm boosted It's the same with berlin. I booked this trip. I'm fucking thrilled about berlin. I sold out the show in fucking eight hours I got people being like, hey, can we get a ticket? Can you do a second show and now I got people emailing me the christmas markets are closing. They're outside They're outside. You wear a mask. You're vaccinated. I don't understand. Wait. It's an outdoor show No, the show's inside but the the markets are outside. I just don't get it

I don't get it either and it's all semantics and they I even told the lady. I was like, you know, this is bullshit She's like, I know, I know. I just don't want to get fired. So I get it I understand everyone's got to do it, but it's like, what are we doing? I know it's so stupid The vaccine to me changes everything if you're vaccinated you get to fucking do it people like I don't get it Yeah, that's the thing We got vaccinated now we get to do things right even if you're unvaccinated It's like you do things if you're unvaccinated. I'm vaccinated. I'll go hang out with you. I don't give a fuck What is the vaccine? Everything should be open. I'm sorry. That's the that's what the rule should be

It does not make sense Plus how are we have we have to wear masks and we have to be vaccinated. It doesn't make sense Why would both of those things exist? It's cuckoo bananas I just think once the vaccine is readily available. Everyone gets to do whatever they want. Yeah, by the way I heard austria just shut down or locked down again. I know they're right next to germany I'm I'm terrified that I'm going on this trip the trip of a lifetime christmas. I plan it for eight months Yep, and they're just going to go on. You can't come and how about this? There's no international vaccine passport So I don't know how to prove my vaccine there other than showing them a card right and they're going to go

No, no, you got to have the passport docile folds. She was yep. Yep. There was a Rotterdam and brussels have already are violently protesting. They're like, we're not going back to lockdown I can't go back fatty. I can't do it. I'm not going back not going back No, I mean, I'm not meant not to mention. We're going to concerts. I'm going to rock show tonight I'm meeting and greeting in chicago. We're at zany's is 140 people. It's packed in there. I'm fine. Yes I'm back. I'm boosted boost Rudy so I go, all right, I guess, you know, you got to just like kick in the high gear. I get my dumb test

And they go you got to wait here for your results and I go I don't have time to wait I have to go get on a shuttle to a rental car Rent a car when I'm not reserved get a car and start driving and they're like, I highly recommend you waiting and I'm like, what's the difference? Are you going to email me my results? They're like, yeah, but we have to retest you I'm like, how often does that happen and they're like pretty rarely and I'm like, well, then shut the fuck up You're retested. Yes retarded So they like to make it harder. I think in a weird subconscious way. They like to be like, well, you should wait

I'm like, I got to go if I stay. I won't make it. She's like, I would wait Like you just want things worse for me for some weird reason. I don't know Yeah, I think they like the the power or the thing or I don't get it Power trip people like to poop on the parade. They like pooping I think people get off and being like just to let you know everything's gonna be closed and you get to Germany I don't even like it. They like doing that. It's the same with the twitter country goes, uh, you know You typo and then you delete it and then put it back up and he goes. Oh, what was up that typo? You're like, I made a typo and I deleted it. You come stay maybe alone

This is your life. This is where you get off. They like doing it. People love to bum people. Yes the bum How about a cheer? No bum. Cheers. Good show so I get the fucking car, you know, you get on the shuttle You get to the budget or the dollar or the uh, whatever the hell it is Avis and you go, hey, I have a reservation. No Okay, we got this piece of shit We got we got a three-wheeled car with a dildo in the seat and it says uh swask on the side

You're like, all right, I'll take it and uh, like, all right, that'll be $9,000. You're like, all right, here you go And I just get in the car and I just That's high tail out of there. I mean, I'm in washington state just Be lining it to vancouver So two hours in I got uh, Billy Joel on the blower. I'm kind of starting to level out. I get the results negative big shocker. Who fucking knew Who? Get to the porter the guy goes. All right. What do you got? I go. Here you go. He goes. All right. Keep it moving dickless

And now the phone's out of commission I didn't think about that. I got no plan the phone. Isn't it just an extended or whatever? I thought I worked in canada. No, I got no right to roam. We got at&t or something. Yes, uh, at&t That's your problem. Oh, jeez. It is your problem. It's the longest day of my life I mean, this is horrible. I'd rather have aids than at&t Positive so, uh, what's the difference in aids and hiv? I'll never understand Well, now I don't know. I mean back in the day it man It was like you're gonna die and then it means death. I don't know

Bad hiv positive is like heads up I've had nine gays and magic johnson explains to me. I still don't get it now I think it's just a transition a transitions from one to the other like jenner. Yes, exactly. Got it hiv Positive is a fucking olympic athlete and aids is a reality star hearing aids Am I hearing aids? What was that again? That's the uh, metallica. Oh, yeah car. Why should I hearing aids? Am I fearing aids? What a weird thing to say. You gotta live your life. Um, by the way the line

Matt Wayne and I were in chicago. We were doing seinfeld all weekend. It was so fun The line I fucking burst that left. I couldn't stop laughing was the um, You know his favorite animal The leopard he likes the spots Oh, that's a great line. He likes the spots. What kind of show? No other show is like that That the weird old jewish uncle is explaining why his favorite animal is a leopard right because he likes the spots I just heard a noise is the cat dead. Should you check on the cat? I'm a little worried about the cat. Maybe check on the cat. Let me check check. Phil's fill some air

I'll fill some air uh, mark's checking on the cat. Don't step in the huge pile of shit I told you it's bad news bears The cat puke from the disc from my seat my point of view It looks like a little piece of something like a little rubber dog shit you buy at a joke shop I went closer It is thick. It looks like someone dropped a frappe like a milkshake Is the cat alive I walk in the the bedroom. He's on the bed and I turn the light on anyway

Oh, jeez. He's got some issues. I think he got hit with a vampire or he's got uh, COVID maybe or something. Oh, maybe he's got COVID. Does he have COVID toes? Is COVID toe a thing? I feel like that was horseshit. I've never heard of COVID toe. I've heard of athlete's foot Dennis Elbow never heard of COVID toe. That's a new one. Frostbite. You heard of COVID toe. I've never heard of COVID toe. Seriously? I've heard of camel toe I've seen that No, there's COVID toe and there's COVID knuckle COVID toes is when your toes fall off or something. What?

I gotta look it up. That's a Let me look it up. Look it up. There's some COVID toes. Give it a goog. I've never heard of COVID toes. I think they curl up. They're gonna get a coma toes They're very similar words. No, COVID toes. It's when your toes curl up like the fucking wicket witch of the east I think. Oh, I've had a good orgasm or two with a toe curl. COVID toes is the thing I'm telling you. Hold on. Let me look it up. I've never heard of this one. This is new to me. COVID toe comes up right away COVID tongue is another thing. COVID tongue. COVID toes. What you need to know? What are the symptoms? The skin on one or more. Hold on. Uh-oh. Probably no shortness of breath. Yada yada

Uh-huh. What causes COVID toes? Unclear skin changes. What are the symptoms? Look at that's a COVID toe Oh, interesting. That doesn't look so bad. Yeah, I think I have COVID toes. That was a kid I know I've heard hammer toe, toe jam, toe cheese Cheeto But never COVID toe. The skin on one or more of your toes or fingers may swell up and look bright red then gradually turn purple I got COVID cock turns bright purple I think like my bike got COVID toeed. Lots of people don't feel anything

They haven't even noticed these changes when their toes or whatever blisters itching pain. It's like herpes for this toe Wow. All right. Yeah, COVID toes breakout Anyway, all right. So you hop in the car. You get a clear bill of health. You go across the border Now i'm off to uh the great white way. I cross the border easy peasy. Japanesey and The phone goes kaput. You know, I got no phone, but I click over to overview on the maps Which is uh, it's not the actual ziggity zagity. It's like a list of directions. Oh fun classic like the old days Yeah, but the old days weren't easy. I'm a pioneer now. I got uh Scurvy and the native americans are coming after me. So it'll just be like take a right

Then go straight then take a left. So you have to actually keep an eye. It's not like you gotta keep track of them There's no two miles. So you're gonna get off on the exit this exit. It's all it's all paper Right, so it's harder. Now the clock's ticking. I got eight wrecks. It's raining by the way. It's pouring rain Always i'm doing the whole like uh squinty going slow at the white we who we who we who we who And i'm like does that say geronimo or not and you're like fucking i'll take the exit And it just was a bitch and a half finally you get to The condo by the way, it's a condo for this club, which is our also a kick in the dick Uh, it's a house of comedy. It's not a bad room, but I hate a condo and they always go it's a but it's a nice condo

I know everyone always says that only denver has the nice condo. Yeah, it's on par with denver But I still want a hotel. I want the coffee in the lobby I want a shit blood in the toilet and not look at it Not on you know, the the fridge was full of weird food and uh, you just know another comic You know, you're in rike a glacis jerked off in there or gabriel a glacis. Sorry Either way, it's weird So you you get there and I pull in and luckily a guy from the club is Empathizing and understands what I went through so he's like I'll show up at the condo

And I'll help you out. I'll give you the key because you need a key and all that shit. I'll give you the wi-fi So I pull up in a car and he goes. Oh, you're driving. Huh? There's no parking here. Oh, and I got god God, this is a fucking hellacious gig. I know we still have two shows to do So I was like, well, what do I do? He's like, well, you could pay to park you could park at my play We're kind of just going over it and I go a fuck it and I just pull into a reserve spot in the driver in the uh Parking lot and I go I'm putting it here and he goes it could get towed. I'm like, I'll risk it. I run up. I shower. I come down Car's still there. I drive the car to the club, which is like two blocks park at the club

Do the gigs drive back to the to the uh condo go to bed wake up And drive the car back to the airport and uber back. This is all a one nighter No, no, no, I do it a whole weekend. Oh, I was saying you're driving back to Seattle I'm sorry. Oh, no, no, I drove the car back to the airport because I had to get rid of the rental. Oh I see. Yeah, so I had to wake up early drive the car back come back

And yada yada did the shows shows were good. Guess who opened for me. You'll never guess Well, that doesn't seem fun. Yeah, you're right. Let me try to think hold on obscure Too obscure, but I must know who it is. I believe you tell me I'm gonna go. Oh, wow I think so. I mean he's a kid. I'll say he's a canadian legend Canadian legend. All right, martin short No, not that big not that big canadian legend stand up. Oh bret butt. No, but ballpark Uh, phil handley jeremy hots. Oh Wow

That's fun. He opened for you. That's the thing. We had what we took covid off So he's rusty. So he's like, I want to get back into it. I'm going on tour soon So I thought I'd middle and I was like, what the fuck I'm going up after you. That's like going up after, you know Tom papa or something. Wow. That's exciting. Very exciting and uh, you know, he's killing He's got his uh dog in the green room. He's telling me old stories. He's like, I was friends with nor mcdonald We were like this and I knew this guy knew that guy this guy chewed me out And uh, just a fun fun time, but here's the other clinker. Wow a lot of clinkers big clinker You gotta go back over the border. You need a new test

Are you fucking me? Not fucking. Yeah, I'd like to but Jesus It's gotta be within 72 hours. So now we got a big debate at the club. I got eight guys. I got the cook I got the waitresses. I got the hostess. I got the manager. I got all the other openers and I go Well, I did take one at the airport and then you get the guy with the green visor He's like, well, let's see. It'll be 68 hours by the time you get it. It's your call So now we do this whole day. Like do you want to risk it? It's techly within time But I don't know can it'll fuck you. They'll fuck you. They'll fuck you

So I don't get it. Well, it says 72. It's under 72. What's the risk? What's the debate? Well, the debate is you never know. Oh my god So I went and got the goddamn test. They paid for it. I went down to gas town I saw the uh museum of art downtown vancouver. I mean, it's it's hard to be Spectacular unbelievable stanley park the high rises the whole thing Unbelievable the the water the views Mount Rainier That gas town is something special too. It's really pretty But uh the heroin might got the heroin. I mean

everywhere Seattle portland new york Everywhere I go. I feel like that west coast over there that portland. Seattle all the way down to la and uh You know, san francisco brutal over there with the opioids and the homeless and the thing the other day I was leaving the cellar a guy I swung at me again. What it's crazy. I walked out as a fun night. It was me Louis ronan sarah great hang over there. You came in that was the night the handling thing. Yeah, you were there It was right when I walked out

We were at separate tables though, which is a bummer separate but equal. Yeah, but uh Walking out great night and I ordered a lift and I was looking to see what the guy is And uh, there was like a crazy homeless guy standing there being like uh money Like that thing and I just went. Ah, sorry. I can't look back at my phone and then he like lurched. He did like Fucker Whoa, it was great. It was like a cartoon because it startled me. I threw my phone and then caught it like I did this Wow Caught it and I like swung into like square and up position. Yeah, I was like, oh, and I was like, hey, hey, whoa

Yeah, and then sarah and ronan right there and they had to cotton. Luckily he just kept moved on to some other people It was fun though because ronan was like, hey, that was impressive and I was like, thank you All right, which is nice But uh, it was scary. I get back in the car. I'm like, this is another incident and then ronan's like it's because you're tall I'm like just say goofy Right tall tall and I'm like, it's not me. It's it's not me. It's them. They're crazy. Yeah Fucking there's crazy people and we were talking about that There used to be insane asylums. There's no more asylums. That's true. These people should be in asynosylum. Yeah

Like that's what we're seeing. We're seeing people that should be institutionalized Walking out of the street. Yeah. Well, are those over? I think they're over. He said reagan ended them I have to do some research, but I guess reagan was like it's a morning in america. Fuck them. Let them out or whatever I didn't want to fund him. I think oh Yes, all these budget cuts. It's always budget cuts. Well, let's at least put them to work put them in a circus Make them do the fields or something like give them a some structure It's no good, but uh, it's just why it makes you want to move to the suburbs And buy a fucking machine gun and mount it on the roof of my house and just sit up there

You start to get it. Yeah, just been on a swivel It's just uh, it's it's a different world out here. I know I know I got a some lady swung a backpack at me in uh, Vancouver she got off the bus It's all hobos and and derelicts and addicts and this lady gets off the bus and you know The bus pulls up and I'm walking next to the bus just by chance the back door swings open She plops off just big fat homeless lady and uh, I was like right next to her and she goes six feet Swung her backpack. I do like a matrix. It was a coven swing. Oh a coven swing. Well. Yeah, it was a six feeder Yeah, exactly coven. What the fuck? I know it was bad news and uh,

By the way, I went to the Vancouver Museum of Art big protest I was like, uh, here we go with the protest and they were going no vax passports. No vax passports. So that's something Yeah The public is talking the public is clamoring. I think people are angry. Some people want to keep this going this pandemic Which I don't understand. Let's get back to normal you queefs. Ah I just don't get it. I said my thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So that that was it the shows were good We had a couple uh pills are good You ever had this one uh had the the front row table long table of like cute 18 year old blondes

and Six of them are texting four of them are giggling amongst themselves and one one of them is just like bored with me So I have every bad thing going on at once. I got the not paying attention. I got the talking I got the one chick who hates me and then I got the one lady heckling me Yeah, that's awful. Yeah, it's like a little like they it's like a t-shirt or something Like they put like what if we put all the greatest on the shirt and you're walking across abbey road or whatever And you're like, oh, that's clever. I had the greatest hits of hecklers the greatest dids too. They were cute, but it was just uh It was just a nightmare because you want to go. Hey you dirty

But they're like cute young pretty ladies so you can't really be mean for some reason even though it's all about equality But who knows anymore Did you ever get that strip club bit from Vancouver to work? Now I tried it. I've tried it every year for like 10 years That's like me with this story about my ex-girlfriend that I got brought back again to kind of works I love that bit. I love yours Well, tell the audience the titty bar in Vancouver 38 years ago. Whatever year we were both single just put that date on there And uh, there was no women coming out right remember that we just there was no one there and you're like, well

This is just a gay bar. Yeah, it's very funny and you're like, that's a bit and I tried I tweaked it I twisted it and uh, nothing I've written pages on that bit The funniest thing that happened there that I tried to do is a bit Remember the lady came out. There was one woman that came over We're the only ones in there and she came over and I said, uh, you have french fries back there And she's like you want french fries? And I was like, yeah, she's like, hold on. I'll be right back And then she walked all the way the other part of the bar You see her talk to a woman and I was like, great. She put in the fry order then a different woman comes all the way over

He goes, I'm the waitress. What do you want to eat? I go, well french fries. She goes, you want french fries? And I was like, yeah, isn't that what she's like? No, she's not allowed to take orders So I'm like, well, why didn't she just tell you that we wanted french fries? Well, that's you can't take orders But whatever it's all stupid that that feels like a covid thing, you know Like well, you have to tell her and she can't do this and all these dumb rules that we put on ourselves but You gotta follow they use covid to make their business shittier

Yes Talk about this in vakuva. You can't go into starbucks in the one place some time you can and then my gym doesn't have towels Like we don't have towels because of covid. I'm like, what the how does that make even kind of a little sense It doesn't work. It's the same with the hotels where they go. Hey, we want to be green here So we're only giving you a washcloth and you're like, what? Well, we're going green. We don't want to wash a bunch of clothes like no, you're skipping and you're saving money That's what i'm saying. Yes. Don't act like you're act doing something for the environment You're certainly not doing that. No, it's it's skimping. It's just uh, oh, this will be a nice way to uh

It's I think people do that too. They go like, hey, I believe in this and that and you're like you're just Using this shit to look better or virtuous or get a better job or whatever or get hired Oh, we're we're turning into old assholes. I guess so we're a couple of boomers. Yeah, we're boomers Yeah, well blow me boomer size and he was cool. Oh, yeah, we went to the super bowl Yeah Zoomer well chris burman. He's called boomer, which is boomer. So it doesn't really First boomer that guy sucks. Well, you know, it's weird is like the These kids in the 60s got all flower power

You know, uh, fuck the man man Hippy-dippy wood stock and then they got older and they became yuppies and bought all the pasta makers and the hbo's and the Rogaine sure and then a roguin. Yeah, and then these cats are all, you know, woke and hip and Cool and activists and they're gonna get older and what's gonna happen Yeah, I don't know. They're gonna beat the shit of their kids or something or take a shit or kill themselves I don't know what's going on. Well, hopefully their kids annoy the shit out of them like they're annoyed and shit out everybody else Yeah, who knows? I don't know nothing about anything but, uh

Wait, did we finish the story? Sorry, we got I'm done So the hecklers, but the shows were good shows were good. I and I I hired a film A film guy. Thank you. You gotta get you gotta get content It's all the content I hired a film queef and he shot it and I went to town on these ladies and really zinged and zanged We got all that on tape. So it kind of worked out. Oh, that's fun. But yeah A lot of gays out there in the coup. So thank you gays. Love the gays. I'll be out there I should have brought my book January 15th. I think it is. Oh, no Saturday

And then I'm doing a one nighter in Seattle the 16th So I'm gonna make that same car ride Love the one night So did you get to fly from Vancouver or did you have to drive back to Seattle? I flew from Vancouver to Seattle. So that worked that worked But it was a 10 and a half hour travel day. I woke up at 5 a.m. And I got back to new york at 9 30 p.m It's horrible. Like I said, I did it twice in three weeks that those cross country Flying east is always tough. And that's the where we're fully back. I mean the miles I'm putting in

Oh, yeah, and in like the last few weeks I went from New york to Seattle back to new york to houston back portland back chicago back Then I'm going Boston providence then straight to detroit to cleveland back to new york to berlin And back how long to get new york for berlin Just a couple days. I only have like two nights left in new york. We're gonna have some we might have to zoom I'm gone like a motherfucker. Yeah, you are good. I mean, I'll be gone as well But not like that. You're jet-setting fatty bad news bear and then this germany. I have said all I can hopefully germany for god's sakes come through

And be cool. You got back. But evidently it's a covid factory over there Uh Ari got it chuck got it veter got it. Everybody's getting it again, but maybe you get it you move on Maybe it's not the end of the world for christ sake. Well, like I said, I'm boost. I got a hell of a boost It was pretty fun to get the boost. Oh, yeah, I went over there was like some weird, uh, low budge Uh, what do you call it bodega or pharmacy? But it was like the shitty one and I was kind of like is this cool But then you're like it's the same shot who gives a shit right and the guy was really nice peat

He was like an old new york guy and he's like, hey, how you doing? I was like, hey, pretty good He's like, I got the shot a couple days ago. No problems. You're gonna be fine And he goes, let me know and I go. Yeah, you know me. I'm a big coward I don't know you stuck it right in there and then he's like, you did great He gave me a lollipop and a nice pack which was great and you know, it was nice about going to this place He didn't do the 15 minutes. You got to wait around. Yeah, I hate the way and the first time I got the shot I'm allergic to ivy profit and so I said that and they're like you got to wait for 30 So I had to sit there for 30 minutes and the reactions happened in the first 30 seconds

Right, exactly for one half hour to stand there with a clock. This guy was like, yeah, I'll see you later Yeah, I was like, all right. Take care. A lot of those things I don't buy You know, hey, you can't go swimming after eat out a girl and uh, you know, what's that other one? Like don't eat before surgery. I'm like, I bet I could eat. I bet I'd be fine. Yeah, I think it's all bullshit Yeah, yeah, yeah What would you do with the hangovers with the ivy profit back in your day? Now just Tylenol I thought they were the same thing. No different. Uh, let me tell let me tell this one story real quick

We're gonna get the hell out of here. I gotta get to the stand because uh starting to stink a little. Yeah, I feel bad for that cat It was rough. I don't know what it ate. He's going through puberty Um, so how about this? I'm at Chicago. First of all, great weekend. Matt Wayne came killed every show so many Tuesdays Every show packed so exciting so fun so much support Saw some good, uh, old Tuesday friends there and just a great time. We walked all of we were doing 17 000 steps We had to lumelle notties was great Went to that orso's restaurant, which was fantastic. Hell, yeah Love that spot. Love zanies. Love everyone there. So thanks everybody for coming out beautiful good management

Because I know burt left burt's gone. Yeah, there's the good guy. Everyone was good there and sarah perry shout out to her She I'm seed. She was fantastic. I'm very good hang and uh, just a good time. I had a great time up there Yeah, I love that upstairs green room. It's just there's a ton of history. It's just comfortable there Delightful delight and you can walk to the hotel you walk back Start boutique hotel that that hip hotel lincoln. Yes. It's like a hipster lobby, but then like a shitty hotel upstairs A great view spectacular view. I've played a real cougar in there years ago. Oh, no kidding. Yeah, Chicago cougars That's a good name. Good team But so I go to starbucks got the third base

I try to do this as a bit it just bombed every night who cares nobody cares But I'm at starbucks first thing in the morning I'm going to a meeting which was fun and that was a black meeting and they kept going You sing it baby. It was great. All right. It was really fun really fun very spiritual And uh, so I'm in line at the starbucks. I got nine eight. You know me if I'm late I want to kill my the cat just came back Maybe he's alive. It's moving. So if I'm late, I'm I'm compulsively early. It makes me psychotic to be late Yes, so I get to starbucks long line out the door

Take it forever. It's a lot like as one person. Is that the counter? You know that thing where you're just you're not paying attention Yeah, and you're just kind of looking at your phone and check your email all of a sudden you're like Is that the same person right and all of a sudden you have that like alarm go off. You're like, what the fuck is going on here? What is this? It's a young girl and her parent And then she finally moves she finally finishes so the line starts to move and there's a young girl behind me And this girl recognizes this girl. She goes hey, and they go what's going on? She goes I just bought all of our teachers starbucks gift cards And i'm like what

What so at nine eight first of all, fuck you. You're a con trying to get ahead. You're cheating the system Who buys gifts for their teachers? I hate these kids that are bringing gifts to the teachers Yeah, you have teachers pet kweef pussy, and I love teachers. I think they're underpaid Criminally, I think that it should be more. I think it's an underrated job. God bless you. I wish you did a better job They get summers off they leave it three. It's the easiest gig in the world. Oh, they're paid shit. They gotta buy their own supply It's horrible. Talk to a teacher They're all fucking their students and then we'd have a better society if we had some better teachers our public school system Is broken but whatever

God bless you. Thanks for your service. They're getting threatened. These kids are beating them up. They're all autistic now They claim it's a whole situation. So it's difficult. You gotta deal with the allergies and all the shit And you get paid shit money and you're off all summer, but you don't get paid, right? Uh, so it's brutal. So god bless the teachers, but Fuck these kids that are like, I got you a gift card. Mrs. Dingleberry. Oh, can I get an a? I just like you're a douche and like this is who goes to harvard. He gets to be president They brought the goddamn kid and those are the same the comics that show up at the club You can show up at your spot and they're like arm in arm with the club owner

I'm like, I didn't know we could do that. Right. I brought doughnuts. Well, how about you write a joke exactly? I hate these people because I'm the quiet guy Writing and I don't know how to talk to anyone. I go. Oh, thanks for having me. I'm nervous I'll see you later Right and meanwhile they're like I brought 25 pizzas to the staff and I'm like, oh, fuck you. Yeah, you're not a comic you cheater and also Go at 11 a.m. Or 3 p.m. Right. Everyone here. We're real workers. We all have jobs

Not mean so much, but all these people are going to work and they're late because you are taking your dumb daughter To buy all your oh, here you go. Here's your gift card. Fuck off. Fuck your family. Yes Suck it teach. Anyways, that's my rant for the week. All right. I love it. Geez. Is that your bike? I think that was it. Oh, my bike's not that loud. I can't see peter You might have put one of those things on there though, huh? You know the thing where they put the thing all the track Oh The growler or whatever. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the muffler the muffler the steamer Something Stanley steamer stevelyn cleveland steamer. Uh, I got a couple days. I gotta plug these days

I got a couple one-nighters and now I really gotta plug the dates because people are coming for god's sake. You got that right December 1st one night. Oh careful. Watch out the cat puked Right in front of you right in front of you there. Yeah, the cat's a little dinged up. Yeah, something happened See there's a big pile of business there Right in front of you 12 o'clock about a foot ahead edge of the rug edge of the rug uh what Oh

Yeah, he's going crazy. He was running and doing weird things. Yeah, he was a little kooky He's got his bears. That's made planner making a cameo folks. Yes. Um, check out her December 1st Hilarities one night. Oh, were you going? I shot it out and then I Got the bike too late. Uh, I thought you were like, this is disrespectful. I'll change my mind, but Just didn't happen December 1st. Hilarities one night only. It's a wednesday. It's in between louis dates cleveland Come get tickets one night only December 22nd. Houston also one night only that secret group great room Christmas time pack it out December 22nd and then also perkypsy laugh up That's the uh, whatever the weekend before that is what are those numbers? That's a good little uh, it's a good room in a hotel

And it's like 30 minutes from the city. It's 17 18 December 17th and 18th berlin the 11th That's sold out. You can't get into that but perkypsy 17 18 secret group the 22nd Hilarities December 1st and then january i'm doing that vancouver date in seattle back to back january 15th january 16th And these are a lot of one-nighters. So you got it. We got to pack these out folks every day He's got to come you got to sell out the one-nighters exactly every day is going to come. That's an old adage from play though I think that's a t-shirt get on it every day is going to come All right, where are you? Tell them all the places. Uh, royal oak, michigan I'm in new orland. I'm just missing you

Oh, I forget because I have a day off. Well this weekend. I'm in new orland's hometown here. We had a second show Uh, please come to that then royal oak, michigan the next weekend after that Then charlotte comedy zone and atlanta buckhead theater uh Milwaukee improv uh, kansas city improv All kinds of dates mark norman comedy dot com. Check it out. Give them a hell praise. I'll uh, I gotta clean up some cat view

Georgia's saying cut it