Tuesdays with Stories! - #429 Ignore The Cat

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

Happy post Thanksgiving Tuesgays, this week we talk Koi fish, inanimate objects talking, if it really "is what it is", & if Mark will get a new place before Mark goes to a Chappelle after party and shope for a weird board game. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays), Liquid IV (liquidiv.com code: tuesdays), & Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

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it. So that's lucy.co. Use promo code Tuesdays at checkout to get 20% off. Also, I have this disclaimer warning. This product contains tobacco non-tobacco nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Go to lucy.co and be sure to use promo code Tuesdays today. Hey folks, here we are. I have news update. Bad news. Chuck got sick last week so we had to record amongst ourselves. We don't know what we're doing. We're half a tard, computer illiterate, whatever you want to call it. Boomer, Jew. But we screwed up the video. I had to record on my phone because our camera broke. Shelby moved to Afghanistan to help the people. So we don't know what the hell happened but we ran out of memories and we only got half the pot on video. We have the audio but only half the video.

We screwed up. We suck. So sorry. Maybe somebody can animate the back half. That'd be fun. But to each his anal. So I'm just coming clean here and I'm just telling you what happened. We blew it. We screwed the pooch. Didn't know it wasn't getting video because we just got a phone on a tripod, like a couple of tards. But we got half of it. So enjoy the first half. You missed a hell of a cat trick in the second half but we'll figure it out. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Here we are. I'm getting some real mic core tension here. We've got a gangle, a tangle, and a wrangle here. Well, I don't want to point blame but you got a real Clark Griswold situation. Yeah, this is how they go wacky. John Hughes, whoa, whoa, okay. I thought it's a little goo goo on the screen screen. Here, let me, you talk all on, all on wound even though they're yours. Hey folks, sorry. I keep that in the drawer in the attic and I haven't looked at it in a week. But what is it with wires? They get a loan together. They start fighting like the Jews in Palestine. There we go. That's pretty good. I still got a curl in my queue here. Well,

careful because this is, this is taut. Yes. You got to be taught not to do that. Yep, yep, yep, tater taut. But I feel like I'm better now. Can we move the base over to the left a little there? Well, the base has to be okay because I don't want to get it un-pulled out. That's all I need. I'm golden right here. If I move the base at the bottom, base boost. I just hope the big mouth base, I hope the cat doesn't yak again and we'll have a decent show. Large mouth. Here we go. There we go. The wires get on the foot. But it is true what you said about the wires. What? Even when you wrap them up separately but equal, you put them in the drawer and all of a sudden you're right. It's a snake. Yeah, I don't know what goes on in those drawers. They have a

food fight or a fist fight or a cat fight. Oh, sorry. No, that wouldn't, and here we are. The cat's coming from long distance from my tea. This is tea. I don't fuck around with tea. You want to lick my water bottle? You want to lick my asshole? I'm happy to have you over Christmas Eve but you don't lick a guy's tea. No, no, you don't, especially the hot tea. That'll scold his fat puss. That might be what he needs. A little goose for the gander. Has he fully recovered? Because yesterday, I mean last week, it was out of control this kid. Oh, he was exercised by demons. Well, yeah, we got it out of him. We patted him on the back. I gave him a little castor oil and he's good to go. What if he hung himself on the things? Well, we could only be

so lucky. A little David Carrity. Never hurt anybody. He's going for the camera. Don't do it, dickless. What is he thinking? He's looking for the piano? I don't know what's going on. The cat has got something on his mind. He's possessed. He's off on the holidays. He hates the holidays. He's anti-Semitic. He hates Kwanzaa. Oh, he's really doing stuff. It's like when you go to the zoo, normally they're just laying there, but this is like the one time where you go. That's true. Don't you always hit those people when you go to the zoo and you're like, yeah, the bear, when we were there, they were fucking, they were swinging, they were playing go fish. I know. You just want some movement and then you start yapping at the guy. It's like when they tap on the fish tank

and the people go, don't tap on the glass. You're like, well, I need some movement here. The fish is sitting in the little castle fucking with the scuba guy. Yeah, we just, Sarah's mother has. Remind me I had a point, a question point. Point. Let me come back around to that because I think it's a good topic. Pointer sisters. So Sarah has a fish tank with koi, which are just goldfish that got big. Is that right? Joke koi? No, I think they're their own thing. No. Well, Sarah said with conviction, she knows about these things. Is she a fishmonger? That a koi pond is just goldfish that grew to a bigger size. No, that's a wives tale. Your wife. Are you sure? Because she said it like, nah, that's what it is. They look different. Are you, are you joshing me? That's what she said.

I don't know anything about fish. What am I, an asshole? I don't know fish. That's cuckoo. So what goldfish, when it gets big though, is it's still just a giant goldfish because koi fish do look similar to goldfish. They're gold. They're orange. I might have to go to the phone. Go to the phone. Give it a go because I'm telling you, they're two different types of fish. But do you know or are you just saying? I'm pretty sure. But what's your thing? I got no thing. My thing is a assist gendered white male, but I tell you, I think they're different fish. They wouldn't have a, they'd have a different name. They got koi and gold. Oh yeah. Well now that, immediately when I see the spelling is K-O-I, it's Japanese, goldfish on Japanese. No, they're

made by a pepperage farm. Colored varieties of the Amor carp that are kept for decorative purposes in outdoor koi ponds. There we are. I'm going to say difference between koi fish. Koi star. Difference. Between goldfish. There's no diff. I mean, there's all diff. Oh, difference. The first thing that comes out when you write in difference is between goldfish and koi fish. One's Asian, one's American. Many ways to tell it to a part, but the easiest way is to look for barbels. Thank you. Or whiskers near the mouth. Koi will have these barbels on the lips. Barbels. Goldfish will not. I don't know what a barbel is. Barbel is on your dick. So I guess there's similar 10 differences to help you distinguish them. So I guess she's just

fucked up because they look similar. She's lost her barbels. But well, whatever. But she said it in a way. This is the kind of fact you get that you go, Hey, you know, Koi or just big goldfish. The cat is going, Hey, I think it hates the red sweater. I think it's the red. It's a Jew. It's behind the television program. I don't know. It was a stretch, but it was something. I mean, this is a photo. We might have to stop and take a photo or turn the camera. He's popping out from behind it. I feel like we're talking about the cat too much for the people who don't video. They hate us. I know. We switched roles. That's what I was saying before. All right. Then I mentioned it yesterday and then three people emailed me go, no, no, we like the cat. It's divided. We can't

listen to these queefs. They're all over the road. Everybody just wants it their way. It's a microcosm of America. I know. One goes, no, no, we need guns. The other one says, no, we need housing or whatever the fuck. Exactly. Get the vaccine. It's a microchip. Bill Gates is fucking children. And Jared Fogle is making sandwiches. It's hard not to address because the cat's not. It's like it's just walking by. Right. It's doing crazy shit and it just slipped and fell. It made it. They always land on their feet. These guys, which I'd like to test. I'd like to throw one out of a copter and see what happens. Or a car. Or a car. I mean, eventually you can get on your feet, I guess. Sure. But they can't always land on their feet. What if we drop it head first? I guess they wiggle

around. Yeah. They get lands and wiggles. Well, here's the topic I had. Please. You had a point. Don't you? Well, not a point, but a topic. Maybe it's a point. This is fucking wild. Let it go. It's hard to let go. It just fell out. Feet first. There you go. Every time. But don't touch the camera. Don't you think it's always fun when inanimate objects are talking? Like we talk about the wires. Yes. The Pixar toys story. And then, you know, even before that, there was toy soldiers or something. Babes in Toyland or something like that. That wasn't that something sex toy. Remember that was the Aladdin had the carpet was very personified. Oh, right. On a magic carpet, Rad. Yes. Put the little boys in my ass. What was it?

All good teenagers take off their clothes. There it is. That's what I say. Not a great message. I mean, you got a shower. You got to change clothes. It doesn't really get the point across that I'm trying to fuck you. Well, I think it's subliminal and the teenager goes, well, I want to be good. So I'll take off my clothes. All right. I guess it's, I don't know. I don't know what that is exactly. Just saying. If we got the power of messaging and subliminal, I feel like we should be a little more direct. Yeah, it could be like, I'm over here, put on some chapstick and blow me to like, Oh, yeah, Carmack's on my hog here. Might have been nice, but it's always fun. The idea of, and Sarah and I do it. What happened?

The hog. I remind myself of the hog. The hog. Well, there you go. The hog to think about the hog right now is like chained up going, these aren't my parents. Oh, yes. Yes. And then a guy, I picture a guy coming over. He's really scary and big. And he goes, all right. And he's talking to his neighbor and he goes, I'm going to take the new bike out. And the motorcycle's like, no, I don't want to go out. I hope I see Mark. I know. I'm a picture guy with a jean jacket with the sleeves cut off and he's walking over with a big bunch of tools and the bike's going, no, no, don't work on me. Do you hear jingling when he walks? Yes. Jingling and the sparks in the background and heavy metal. Yes. There's another bike getting sought up. He's screaming,

but the guy can't hear it because he doesn't speak bike. Who frame Roger Rabbit is another great one. Hell of a picture. I watched it on the move on the airplane the other day. That is a movie. What a film. Robert Zemeckis. I believe it won best something in 1988 or whatever the hell it was. It was 88. I don't think it won anything, but I think it was special effects. Well, special effects. Oh, I see what you mean. Well, that's a win. I think when I hear best, I think best something real. But sure, I'm sure it won best cartoon movie, whatever. Okay. But maybe an edit situation, but that is a hell of a film. You got alcoholism in there. You're spoofing Chinatown. You got your mother's asshole, Jessica Rabbit's nude. Man, how about that JR? Yeah,

it was a, did you find this even as a kid? Maybe we talked about this before. I can't remember. Even as a child, Roger was my least favorite part. I always loved Hoskins. I related to the alcoholic guy that he was fun. And even the white, the weasels were fun. Christopher Lloyd, of course, I loved Roger Rabbit. I'm like, he sucks. He's not funny at all. He was a little much. He was always on. He was too much, but I liked him. I liked the noise was fun. He was, it was just fun seeing Bob Hoskins yank him by the ears and throw him around, you know, because he was a cartoon. Yeah, I guess that was fun. But I like the baby. The baby was great. That was more of a baby. Yeah, I like a cigar. I like looking up skirts. Sure. Yes,

Bob Hoskins, a British. Yes. And he pulled it off. Oh yeah. He's, there's a movie called Long Sunday, Long Black Sunday, something like that. He's fantastic from the 70s. It's a British. It's a good born, Long Black Sunday. Well, a few of those in college. But this is the happiest the cat has ever been. It's very exciting. Oh yeah. It almost died last week. But anyways, those were always fun. He's bulimic. Yeah, those are great when they personify an object. That is a good to cars is a big Pixar movie. The whole thing is just, Hey, that's a Corvette. So he's a cool car. He's got confidence and this is a little bug. So he's half a Homo and all that. I never saw. Yeah, I never saw cars. I know Paul Newman was involved. Oh, whatever happened to him.

I think he passed away. Son killed himself. Paul Newman. Yeah. It's one of these kids, you know, Paul Newman, handsome guy, race car driver, American icon, gives to the kids with the Newman's Fig Newtons. Newman's own. Newman's own with the salad dressing and the whole thing. And then his kid shoots his old face off. Wow. He was a new man after that. I think that he is my number one handsome guy. Well, Brad Pitt. You got Brad Pitt and, you know, yeah, Newman. Clooney. Get out of here with Clooney. He's dapper. He's charming. He's dapper. He's just so annoying. I hate his acting. I don't think he's fun, but Pitt is sexy. He's got rugged masculine. He's on that roof in Hollywood. I take my

dick out. I masturbate. I come in my pants. I take it out of my pants. I put it in my mouth. That's how attractive he is. Then you get kicked out of the theater. Yeah. Well, that one time. Pulled a full Fred Willard. But yeah, he's like 60 in that too, right? 55 at least. Got to be in the 50. I don't know if he's 60, but he's in the 50s for sure. Mid 50s. What a deal. Yeah. And he looks great. He's packing those sigs. He's got them rolled up. He cracks a beer. He's working on an antenna. He's got a Hawaiian shirt on, unbuttoned. Come on. So hot. So likeable. But Newman, my God. Cool hand, Luke. He's just moist. Yes. And he's funny and he's quippy and he doesn't talk. We don't have to. There's

something cool about a guy who shuts the fuck up until he's got a good line. Love a Newman. Well, man or woman, I've talked about this before for sure. Gene's no shirt. Best look in the business. Great look on a muscular man. But here's the thing about Newman. Hello. Newman? Thank you. He, he didn't, he wasn't like trying. I feel like Brad Pitt, he's in Fight Club. He's got spiky hair. He's wearing big glasses on a pink bathrobe. It's like, all right, we get it. You're a badass. Newman didn't go for it. Effortless. He was subtle. Effortless. Effortless sex. Yes. And he's eating eggs and that makes you think ovaries and then you want him to swallow

your balls and barb them. But he was rugged and handsome, but he wasn't pretty. I feel like Brad Pitt is too pretty sometimes. Well, just the eyes, those blue eyes. Yes. Yes. Crystal blue. I love a blue eye. I mean, I have blue eyes. I got like dark blue. Do you? Yeah, they're blue. Get in there. They're pretty blue. You got M&Ms. Yeah. I'm turds in here. But he's got the crystal piercing blue. You know what he has is that Irish people blue, which we talk about when you go to up Dublin and the women have black hair and crystal blue eyes. It makes me want to just shove their pussies in my mouth. Yes. Sit on my big fat face, you dirty mick. I mean, I would say I'd put all my money, all my

semen into one basket. Sure. The hottest look possible is jet black hair with crystal blue eyes. Agreed. I'll fight anybody. I'm glad you agree. I really agree. Don't fight me. But I like when the hair is straighter than a altar boy on a Friday, you know, just right down, up and down. That's the name of the movie. There it is. Yeah. So yeah, Paul Newman probably number one. And then to quit acting. He's the biggest actor on the planet. And then he goes, I'm going to drive cars. Drive cars. He's got the suit. You know what we should do? We should do that podcast taste buds, but we agree on everything. That would be fun. I love it. We just go, I know. Yes, same taste. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah. Yeah, I like that. We're called agree to agree.

I like that too. People agree to disagree. I never got that. I hate when people say it. It's a cop out. Yeah, it really is. You're gay. No, I'm not. We'll agree to disagree. Shut up. We don't get anywhere. All right. It's like it is what it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a nothing statement. It is what it is though. I have to say I've been pushing back on it is what it is. I kind of like it is what it is. Well, let's not make this more than what it is. There is wisdom and it is what it is. I feel that it's a little profound, but I think people abuse it. And I just don't think, you know, Jay Leno once said the great Jay Leno once said it doesn't have to be that difficult. Somebody was emailing him and he was like, Hey, can you do this date? He goes, I'll be there. And

he goes, man, I got to tell you for, you know, super famous rich guy, you're really easy to work with. He's like, nothing has to be that difficult. We all got to go. Well, let me see if I can turn it up and twist it out and call my manager, call my age, check the schedule book. Maybe we can slide you in. Yeah, your day. I'm just saying it is what it is. It's very similar to it doesn't have to be that difficult because it is what it is. Sounds like nothing. And it's like one of these people when people are like, Oh, that means nothing. But I'm like, I'm just saying, don't make it more than it is. Well, we're in traffic. Oh my God, we're in traffic. We're going to be late. It is what it is. Let's not go crazy. We're in traffic. That's it. It's rain. That's all it is. It's not

we're in traffic. Plus we're going to be late. Plus our fathers are gay. Right. You know what I mean? People do tend to add on myself included. So you say, Hey, it is what it is. Which I like. And there's nothing to do about it. Hey, that's a koi fish right down there. Eggs are eggs. Yeah, I think it is. Eggs are eggs. You know, that's some some philosophically shit there. But I do think it is what it is. Sometimes dismisses the solution. You know, we go, Hey, we're in traffic. Maybe we can get off here. Well, it is what it is. So we might as well just deal with it. Well, that's the author of it. The person who's saying it might be dismissing. They do use it to dismiss. Yes. But I'm saying don't say it's a bad saying just because the person that uses it to

dismiss. Okay. That person's a bad person. It's good saying use badly, but I do agree that people do. You go, Oh my God, I don't know what to do. My father wants to marry my aunt. And you know, my grandparents are eating each other out in front of me. Sure. What should I do? And then they go, it is what it is. And I'm like, Well, no, I want advice. Yes, that's what I'm saying. So some people use it as a dismissal. Yes. And that's where it got a little, the water's got a little muddied, as they say. But I think it is very solid of a statement. Thank you. I like mud. Do you? That's fun to play in, you know. Yeah, that's true. If you're not going anywhere. I mean, if you're going to church, you don't want mud in your asshole. No, no, I guess you could pray it

out. But what about these people with the mud faces? Not blackface, but the, uh, they go to the spa and they put the kiwi or the cucumber, then they go mud on the, on the mug. I see. I thought you were referring to a group of folks, the people that put, oh yeah, I hate these people. Derek, my best pal, you know about Derek. He sent me a photo, a selfie of him with the, the shit on his face. Yes. Yes. And I go, I almost threw my phone out the window. I go, what are you doing? I don't want to see that. Yeah. What was he doing? Well, Al Jolson, I guess it feels good or afterwards, your pores or some shit. I got to say, I've never done anything to take care of my face once ever. You got solid skin too. It's a crazy part. I mean, your forehead's, uh, picking up a lot of light.

It's nice and soft. I don't know. I mean, like, I'll moisturize occasionally. I'll remember to go, I should moisturize. So I look okay when I'm older, but it's like once every six weeks, I'll moisturize. I think that's healthy because look, we've been on this planet for 17 minutes and, uh, we put all this shit on our face. We do this facials and jizz and all this stuff, but I couldn't, it can't be meant to be. Right. I thought that's a little clunky, but you got it up here. I know what you mean, but by that rationale, here's the count of that point though. That's like saying, well, it's not, we're not meant to, uh, wear shoes. Right. Shoes where God didn't create shoes or they weren't on earth. That's a good point. We shouldn't be wearing shoes. It's like,

well, we've didn't figure out ways to improve life. Yes. True. So it's like, yeah, we, it's not like we were born with moisturizer in a rest, but I do think we over Medicaid or whatever you want to call it. You know, we got the hair shampoo, then we got conditioner, and then we got the relaxer, and then we got the moisturizer, and then we got the perm or whatever. It's like, your hair is fucked. Just deal with it or live with it. Well, I wash my hair every six months. I mean, people, if they saw my routine, that's healthier. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I got greasy hair, but I go to my friend's house, his wife, no, I know it's a cliche. She had 75 bottles in the shower. That's what I'm talking about. She's like an alcoholic. It's a stack. It looks like a house of cards.

Right, right. Exactly. It's too much. We get it. It's all the same. And they did all these tests in the forties with the, with the, here's a, here's a, uh, uh, Paul Mitchell and here's, uh, L'Oreal Fructisse or whatever the fuck. And the, you know, maroon number five or whatever. And it's all the same shit. They suck. They stink, but it's all the same shit. And they go, well, it smells good or it feels good or I have an orgasm. Remember that old commercial with the orgasm shampoo? Oh yeah. That was big. What was that? Dorel or L'Oreal? I remember Pert Plus was a thing. Pert was something. It was L'Oreal. And this, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe she's Paul Mitchell. Yeah. That was something I said. And then they had, uh, oh,

Prell, Prell, the hard stuff. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Then there was Neutrogena, Neutrogena Tgel. That's if you had bugs. I used that. I had lice and kale and all kinds of shit in my hair. Kale? Kale, kelp. I don't know what it was. That's the koi fish. Same thing. Well, let me tell you about last night. What? That's something people are going to think we just edited. Oh, sorry. That was weird. No good. It's good. I mean, let's move on. I mean, you were like in a syllable. People are going to think we just said the N word twice. That was the worst transition than Elliot Page. You were like, oh, this is crazy. Let me tell you about last night. Okay. I didn't know we were keeping it. I got a shampoos. No, I'm done. I mean, I don't want a shampoo, but, uh,

Tgel. I'm ready to move on, but it was just, it was very abrupt. Just too abrupt. Felt like a cut. Tgel Miller. But yeah. Uh, so last night, he's a good kid. Yeah, sweet guy, funny cat. Great head of hair, by the way. I wonder what he uses. Wow. Good question. Call in. If you know what Tgel Miller uses in his noggin. So last night, last night, I, uh, I had a fun night. First of all, I did two pods with Sam and a patron did a pie with you, went and did a set at the stand, great crowd. Then I did Legion of Skank. So I'm, I'm four pods deep and I'm, my brain is fried. I'm sitting there just like daydreaming. Daydreaming about young boys I grew up with and all this shit. I'm like, oh, I can't think of any more jokes. I'm out and there's a full crowd there.

Michael Chays on big J is zinging and zanging. Dave Smith was just on. Really? He was on, man. I think he skipped Skank first and he said, I got to kick it up a notch. She was. No kidding. He was on fire. He had just had great line after great line. And you know, when you're sitting there, you're going, there's nothing funny. I've milked everything. I've run this bar drag, bar, rag, dry. He would think of something. Wow. Yeah. So he was on it. I thought the cat would come back, but, uh, so ignore the cat, nor the cat. That's good. That feels like an old, uh, Buddhist quote. Ignore the cat. Oh yeah. It is what it is. Ignore the cat. It's puking next to you, but it ain't your world. You can't have a kitten without a tail. There it is. No fur.

No problem. But that's a Larry the Cable guy. We do the, oh, well, get purr done. All right. Well, we do the skanks and, uh, after it, you know, you get a little, a couple of pops in you, a couple cold ones. And I'm sitting at the bar with Che and I haven't talked to this guy. I haven't had a real conversation with him since 1981. You know, he's a hard guy to connect with. Just shoot him a text. He'll get right back to you. Exactly. So I actually ended up chatting with him. It's like working. It's going well. He's like a, he's like a date where you're like, does she like me? Do I just hate me? Do I have a chance here? That's what it feels like with him. I'm so jealous of these, uh, the dating now, by the way. So it's a whole other topic. We can get into that later.

Looking at that. But yeah, uh, I know ugly guys are cleaning up. It's insane. When I see the caliber of men that are getting regular sex, or I hear them above me in my apartment, I'm just blown away. Blown, Jerry. I think, my God, I fucking fucked up my 20s. I didn't know people that looked like this could get pussy. Well, it's the technology wasn't there in the 40s. Plus, now they got blue chew. I mean, think about all, I knew a friend. He could never get it up. We're 11 years old. I'm rock hard at every playground, every high school dance, every arcade. And he was like, I can't get it up. I panic. I get in my head. Now these kids had blue chew coming out of pez dispensers. It's so wild. I've never had that problem one time. 39 years old. I've never

once had a boner problem. Even with the amount of sauce you were pouring down that throat. Now I could always get it up. I told you this story. One time I had sex with a woman, the ugliest, smelliest, weirdest woman I ever had sex with, and I lost my boner inside of her. But it was only because her butthole smelled like a village with no running water. Yes, a little Darfur ass. Yeah. So I pulled out and said, I'm sorry, my grandmother died today. I can't do it. And then my roommate went, Hey, would you mind if I stepped in and I said, absolutely, I'd be thrilled because this lady won't stop crying. So he took over and took care of business. But other than that, back again, but that wasn't in my head or alcoholism. That was just a stinky piehole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We've all seen those and smelled those old scratch and sniff. Well, it's weird because when I can't get it up, I think about my dead grandmother. I am a grandmother. Yeah. I'm back. But yeah. Remember, what was that movie? Ferris Bueller? No, no, no, stop. We're not stop. My mom was shoot. Not that with the one with a Christina Applegate with a mom died and a barrier. The old lady dies. Grandma died or the neighbor died. Oh, it was a real bird movie. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Serial mom. Christina Applegate. I don't even know any Christina Applegate. She was transitioning from married with children to movies. And it was like her first role. And it was a real stinkfest. But it was fun. At that, at the age I was at, I was like nine. Drop dead Fred. It was in

that wheelhouse of just shitbag comedy degenerate cum stain. I don't know. I might have already been pretty snobby at the old age of 10. Yeah. It was, it was a TV, you know, dickfuck comedy. And everybody's shouting at the screen right now. Grandma kicked the bucket. Are we buried Nana? Damn. So I married an axe murderer? Yeah. It's in that, that, that year, baby. Stopping my mom was shoot. I might have to Google this. Get on the horn of your little China. Christina Applegate, dead grandma buried under the front yard. B movie, early 90s, shit box. Let me just go right to her. I am anal. Christina Aguilera. No, no, no. Applegate. Applegate. MS. Does she have MS? Breast Cancer? Breast Cancer and MS. Yikes. Poor girl. Damn,

that's a tough weekend. I didn't know that. Here she comes. All right. Let's go to the filmography. There we go. That's philanthropy. I don't care about that. No, no, get out of here. Jews of Satan, Beetleman. Oh, Joseph Satan. Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead. Thank you. That's it. All right. We got there. Sorry about that. Oh, I remember seeing this movie poster. Yeah. I don't think I watched the film though. It doesn't look great. It wasn't, it wasn't great, but it was a fun romp for an afternoon. There's a legacy. It's got a reception legacy. Oh, it was a cult class. Can fare the movie unfavorably to home alone. Every movie's unfavorable compared to home alone. Yeah. Well, this had a lot of death in it. Home alone was pretty squeaky.

Well, it was pretty violent though. 36% rotten tomatoes. Yeah, basically as an old lady who dies and then they just digger, they bury her and then they shoot the plates like a skeet shoot and they smoke weed on her roof and smell her panties and all that. It made 15 mil at the box office. But what was the budge? Well, it made 15. The budget was 10 and the box office was 25. We're in the black. Did the math. Black Sunday. Yeah. HBO Pictures. HBO. Stephen Herrick. Well, I'll have to check it out. Put it at the top of the queue. How many of these Americans that use the word queue? What's going on there? That's new. I think Netflix brought that in. I don't like it one bit. It's on the queue.

Queue it on. But I've heard them say it outside of the Netflix one. Oh, like in a line? They had the queue. That was like, what are you doing? We're going to start saying, you know, good day. The Lou. Hey, I'm going to the Lou or it's in the boot. Get the fuck out of here. The loop. I mean, they, what were we saying? I don't know. But Applegate. Oh, right. Yes. Watergate. I was going to say a similar thing. What were you going to say? I was going to say that was when they had the controversy over the apples. I don't know. That was a period distinct. It's too many podcasts. It just came from taste buds. I did Joe and Rana. We lost the whole app because we courted on 4K. You and I recorded yesterday. They all want, we got to do a Patreon.

I did Ari's podcast yesterday sales, but I can't, I don't have that much to say with you. I'm agreeing to agree. I'm an idiot. Yeah. I'm not even smart. They go, you know, you said this wrong. I'm like, I know I'm a public high school education. I didn't do one minute of post public high school. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Last school I attended was Whitman Hansen 21 years ago. I think a lot of billionaires barely got out of high school. I'm just saying, well, that hurts my feelings. Rich man, poor man. Give it a read. He's a, that guy's a fucking tart, but he made a lot of cash either way. I had a point. Christina Applegate. What was the point? Yeah. How did we get here? Oh, so last night I'm chatting with Jay.

And you know, I'm like, oh, I got to send Shelby the video file. I got to do a pull-up. I got to get home. I'm seeing an apartment tomorrow at 11am. Seen an apartment? Are you leaving? I might move. Oh, that would be delightful. You think? Where, where to? What neighborhood? I don't think it would help us, but we're getting a studio. What neighborhood? I'm looking at Cobble Hill. Brooklyn? Again with the Brooklyn? Well, it's bigger. Oh my God. You live in Queens. I don't come to Queens. Brooklyn stakes 10, 10 points off the top of my head. Brooklyn, we had this conversation before. I might as well just replay the tape. Send back the tape. Brooklyn, you're going to be 40 in 10 months. Yeah. That's for young people. Brooklyn's for 20 year olds. It's too hip. It's too woke.

It's too expensive. It's too far. That's it. And so it's far from the airport. It's far from the seller. It's fucking skinny jeans and silly hats. I mean, this is Cobble Hill though. This is families and strollers and, uh, you know, bay windows and brownstones. I know, but all those things, I'm talking about the people. Oh, well, the people are, these are parents and shit living there. I know the, the parents with skinny pants and weird hats. I don't care for that. Yeah, maybe you're right. I don't know. I'm wrong. I'm, I'm like, I'm not moving to Bushwick over here. I see. I see any kind of growth really scares me. I've noticed, especially on your body. Well, my cock grows when I see it shirtless. Yes. Jeans. Paul Newman. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Sheath

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half in the bag. I'm talking to a comedian who's on TV and he goes, oh, shit. I go, what? He goes, Chappelle is at the garden and I go, oh, right. He's playing that movie at the garden sold out and you know, they've got Busta Rhymes and Salt and Peppa and Bismarck Key and all these people two pack and they're all open for him. I go, how about you? How do you like that? And he goes, well, the show's over, but they're having an after party. I go, oh, it'll be fun. He goes, you want to go? And I'm like, you know, you just start doing on the back, get a car, go to the garden, get in, probably got to get COVID tested, go in there. You don't know anybody. Everybody's wearing cool sneakers and weird hair and they all live in Brooklyn and they go, hey, how are you?

Who are you? And then you lose Jay and then you're the weird honky off in the distance. I'm shorter than everybody. I'm gay. So you start doing the math and you go, I'm not going to that. I got to do my pull-ups and the hog is gone and you know, my dad's gay. My wallet's gone. Yes, that tearing sound. So he goes, all right, whatever. And then I have another drink. Next thing I know, I'm in the car. It is what it is. Sorry, what? It is what it is. Thank you. So we get in the car. By the way, he's got a car. I don't know how much I'm supposed to divulge. He's got a like a black Cadillac waiting for him. It just sits there. Wow. Yes. It's a guy in there who just waits. Pretty successful. I guess so. I never thought to do that. I'd just get another Uber or buy my own

car. Well, this is what I'm trying to say. You could be doing this stuff. Oh, I'm sure that was eight grand. No, it's a few hundred bucks. All right. Yeah, you can get it. Get a car. Get one right now. Get a Cadillac to have it pick us up. We'll go somewhere. Well, we went to see, what was that? Banna horses with a car. Yeah, that was a lift. What the fuck? Let's just do it. It'll be funny. All right. Well, I feel bad. The guy's sitting there. Do I get him a meal? Do I get him a book? No, they pay a ton of money. Okay. It's a pretty good gig. All right. No, it's a shit. Jesus Christ. Wow. All right. So we get in the car. We go to thank you. We get there. It's a shit show. Okay. You got to come through here. Who are you? Who are

you? He's got the mask on, the hoodie up, and he's like, I'm, I'm Michael J. There's all these people around here. I'm Michael J. And I'm like, they don't, he doesn't want to say it. They're like, who are you? I'm like, I'm nobody. I'm his agent, whatever. You're a dentist. You want to sweep together. So finally we get in. We got to get COVID tested. Then you got to wait a half hour for the results. We're in the bowels of the garden. And I keep trying to tell everybody, it's a guy sweeping. I'm like, you know, I played here once, you know, I'm just trying to fit in because I feel so out of place because everybody's famous and I'm not. And you know, there's a guy mopping the window and I'm like, yeah, yeah, you know, hoping for a Shumer here once, whatever.

And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Finally we get the COVID test done. We go in. Everybody, you know, knows him. Holy shit, Jay. What's up? What's up? Thank God, Ari's there. Oh, wow. Ari's there. Oh, that's right. Cause I was with him earlier. He said he was going there. I told him to come with me to my thing. Yeah. I was weird seated in there because I feel like Ari's been out of the mix a little bit. Yeah. He has been out of the mix. Yeah. Not to mention of Chris Roxy's and we might smack. Oh, well, I think they hashed it. Yeah. But I'm sure there's some dissipation. Disappation. That doesn't sound like it. Lingering, bad blood. There you go. Something. I think that's the definition of dissipate. Disappate. No, that means like

less. Disappearing. Disappearing. Like it was bigger. Now it's less. Yeah. Disappated. Okay. The bad blood dissipated. Well, yeah, I'm thinking lingering. Lingering. Have to let it linger. So we get there. You know, you know, a couple of people like I mooch the free food. I have a couple more pops and then I'm talking there. I'm there a couple of hours and Ari goes, oh, what time is it? I'm like about 1 45 a.m. He goes, oh, I had a seller spot at 115. And I go, well, you better text Liz because we're in deep doo-doo. And he goes, they lock your phones up. I don't have a phone. He pulls up the yonder bag. Oh, so I go, oh, I got mine. So I text Liz and she's like, what the fuck that beep beep beep? You know, Jewish slur, Jewish slur. So I send a photo

of Ari dancing and she's getting angrier, you know, and then he's like, we better get out of here. And I'm like, yeah, I should go home to it. You know, whatever, two in the morning, three in the morning, we show up at the seller. We end up sitting at the seller with Liz just chatting for an hour. That's fun. That's where our night began. Oh, yeah. Ari and I were there talking to Liz. There you go. It's just fun. It's home. You know, you get there, a tell's on the bouncers know you, Liz is there typing away. The waiters are there. What's this guy's name? Alex? Alex. I don't know. No, Alex. Yeah, right. He's around. But yeah, just a fun night that I went home and then I woke up and went to see the apartment. How do you like it? Is it all right?

It's nice. No, not two floors yet. Okay. Well, there's a basement. There's a floor and a basement and the bedroom was in the basement with not much light and it's next to the highway. I don't know what's going on over here. Well, you know, you want a little office, you want a little room. Yeah, I hear you. You want to write to Rome? There was a backyard. We got one of those in Astoria. Got some lovely homes over there. That's true. That's true. A lot of Turkish out there. The Upper West Side? I mean, you could be part of society like Jerry, like Equals. Equals, he loves the spots. But yeah, so that's where I'm at there. But we'll keep you posted. But I had to tell you about

the Chappelle Party because I saw Andrew Yang there. Really? Yeah, he was out in the boat. I said, hello, I voted for anyone. Oh, wow. He goes, you know, Michael J, I go, yeah, yeah, he goes, is he here? I say he's over there and he walked away. That's exciting. He probably was like, where? When did you vote for me? Yeah, yeah. Wait, what their vote? I don't think he made the primaries, did he? He's Asian. Maybe he did. Well, I guess he did. I don't know. I think he made something. Oh, he's making a new party. Oh, yeah, I heard about that party. I don't know how great that'll do for the Democratic Party, but that's a myth. Is it a myth? They always say that, oh, if you start another party, it's gonna hurt this party or that party. He's like, that's

bullshit. How is it a myth? I mean, that's how Gore lost. That's happened once. All right. Well, that's a big, that's a big miss. Luckily, there was no, uh, no bad, nothing bad came from that. Gore, he's cares about the environment. Gore Vidal. Yes. Gore. Is that running back? Frank Gore. Gore. Vidal. Hey. Hey, Gore, hey, that was fun. Hey, that could be a show idea. Yeah, Gore, hey, Gore, hey, like you're bloody and you make food. I like it. It's a lot of puns and one, but that's not a bad idea. Rip open a cow. You cook it. Yeah, that seems fun. There you go. Did I tell you this? This is Gore Tex. Oh, that's good. Say Gore Tex, don't you? Where are we at here? I don't know. This episode's a mess. We're cooking a lot. I can't tell what's happening

anymore. There's been more jokes in this app than most of them. The problem with the podcast, after a while, you're like, have I said this? Who am I talking to? Where are we? What time is it? It's a little blurry. And Colin Quinn always says he's so wise. He's like, we're living in a time where saying anything wrong can have your whole life destroyed and every comedian records everything he says and puts it out. I know. It's wild. It's really stupid. And I heard Jerry Seinfeld on a podcast saying, he goes, how come you don't do a podcast? You do a podcast once a year or you don't have your own podcast. Why is that? He goes, I could put all that into writing. He's like, all that mental energy that you have to come up with things to say, be creative,

be funny on the fly. That could be all done on the paper. So I don't want to give up any of my effort. You know, I have such a love hate relationship with Jerry. He says so many things that I'm like, what a genius. He's changed my life. He's my hero. That is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my entire life. Yes. First of all, it's a completely different muscle. Off the cuff, talking, conversation has nothing to do with writing an act or writing a show or anything. Well, it's like saying powerlifting and cardio. They're very different, different muscles. But if you do cardio all day, you're going to be less likely to go to the gym. I guess so. I mean, the analogy, I mean, he's saying, I don't need to do that because I could

take that time and put it into writing. I guess the main thing, let me get to my first. I know what you're going to say. And I've said before, where is all this material that he's writing? Where is it? We're doing 60 hours a year of podcast. Sure. You can listen to it. It's here. Here it is. Here's 60 hours of us being funny. So he's saying he's putting in 60 hours of writing. Right. Can I get some of it? Because everything he releases is here I am in 1978. Here's what I did in 1985. Well, what are you doing in 2021? I wouldn't mind hearing that material. I know. And then you cut, you X off every day you're writing. Give it to us. Give me something. Give me the B sides, the C sides. I don't understand. It's also, that would make

more sense if we weren't also writing. Right. You got a special coming out. I got a special coming out. You got a special from last year. I got a special from last year. We got albums up the ass late nights. We're doing that in this. Yeah. Good point. So if you're doing only that, shouldn't you have two specials a year? Yeah. Well, he does have, he did have the cars thing. Comedians cars. That's him talking. Yeah. And he's got the movie coming out. What movie? Pop-Tart. Oh, I don't know about Pop-Tart. Oh, he wrote a movie about Pop-Tart. It's the Spike Ferreston. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah. Love Spike. Yeah. You know, Jerry hits the tackles the big issues. Yeah. Well, I mean, so anyways, my point is, and he does a show, he does a version of this.

So he shouldn't dismiss because that's what Comedians of Cars is. Sure. And that's more effort. That's cameras. That's editing. That's booking. Right. You know, the whole, the whole kitten caboo. Anyways, I love Jerry. He created a show and it's, you know, we've ripped it off. We're quite successful with it. So appreciate you, Jerry. Love you. Yep. And you're the best. There you go. Some of these things. No, I hear you. I hear you. It's a lot. Well, you know what the problem with a lot of comedians is Chris Rock does this a lot too. They have these grandiose matter of fact statements with no nuance, no if and or but it's gospel. It's got to be this way. And you're like, no, there's a lot of cracks in that and holes in that. It's nothing is just,

you know, Chris Rock, women can't go down in lifestyle. Well, I'm sure some can. Yeah. You know, it's stuff like that. We're like, all right, it's not all end all be all. It's fun to be bold. It is. Bold is big. Bold is beautiful. Reminds me of one of Jerry's great moments though, which he has so many of is when Letterman's like, don't you feel like if you're not drinking coffee black, you're not really drinking coffee? And he goes, no. Yes. That's perfect. That's a perfect example. I don't think that and then Jerry, a comedian, cut it down. Yes. I love it. It's like when a Carlin goes, I don't want to get on the plane. I'm getting in the plane. And you go, shut the fuck up, you dirty cunt. You know what he means. I think that was a bit.

Oh, I know he's Dana Gould. He goes, all right, George, take it easy. And that's like his hero. I know he loved Carlin. I'm getting in the plane. Okay, George, relax. No, let me throw this down your gullet and see if it gives you a silent read. Sure. Probably. I got it right now. I thought it's burning. You want some water? You have water? Well, I've been drinking out of it. They'll give us water in there. What kind of cup? Is it a glass? It's a plastic cup. Let me see it. It's like a cup thing. You know, oh yeah, I'll drink some of that. Take a sip.

I was worried it was like a bottle bottle, like a water, like a pollen spring. What's wrong with that? Well, that your whole lip is on that. This I could probably find a nonlippy. All right, go nonlip. Should I try to do the thing when you pour it? Whatever you want. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter to me. I mean, I'd eat your ass. We're all pals. Did you do the show?

Yeah. Really? James Corden for those at home. Yeah, I did it. God, I don't even remember that. I blacked that out. I think I did it like a month there. That was like a month before you did it. And I remember being like, they're hot as hell. You can't go wrong. I might have gotten in your head a little bit. Then I ate shit. I don't remember you doing the show.

God, it's weird to think that there's a time, we're living in a time period where we've done so many late nights that you can't even remember them. I know. I know. And I thought they met something too and they didn't mean shit. I literally had this same thing with myself because Sarah went and did it. And I remember being there for Sarah and I was like, wait, did I do that show? Then I was like, wait, I did. It was only a second, but there was a moment where you're like, wait, yeah. Yes. It's so fucking weird. I have no recollection of you doing that show.

Wow, that's wild. It's weird. I know all the Conan, a lot of Conan. A lot of Conan, a couple of nights. Yes. Gordon, Colbert. Wow. How many late nights have you done? Nine? I think 13.

No. Can that be right? No. That can't be right. Eight Conan. You did Conan eight times? Eight Conan. It's supposed to be nine, but the pandemic fucked my ass. What?

Then two, four tonight shows. One was on a boat. I think I blacked out a lot of these. And then a cord and a Colbert. So I don't know where we're at now. And a partridge in a pear tree. Yes. That's wild. I think that's 14.

Well, we'll count it later. We'll look it up. But who knows? That is unbelievable. And not one of them really mattered. Nobody said, hey, I saw that. It changed my life for, hey, I never heard you before and that got me going. No, it's exciting. It's all on YouTube. It still lives.

People can go see it. And some people don't say where they saw. That's true. Some people are just there. And then some people saw it and then they go listen to the other stuff. So now they go, hey, two's gay. But that doesn't mean they didn't see on Colbert. Well, or whatever the fuck his name is, Corden.

Yeah. Yeah. So good point. You never know. And it all, it's all, it is what it is. There you go. Agree to a disagree. It's all worth doing. Plus, as we talk about, it's the experience, the moment, the suit. That's right.

The practice. It's so fun and so exciting. It's exciting. It's riveting. It's really, you got one shot. It's a tight rope. You can't fuck up one flub, one tick up. But it's over. It's, it's also, I was just thinking about it. I'm like, it's been so long that I'm like, I should try to do that again. Yeah. It's fun. It's a fun exercise.

And I'm proud of us for putting ourselves through it. Because it's kind of a nightmare. It's like nothing but anxiety. It's, it's failure. It's your failure is right on the other end of that cut hair. Failure is not an option. I disagree. Yeah. I guess it is. Yeah. It's right there. It's the easiest option too.

Yeah. Certainly. The only time you fail is the last time you try. By the way, one of our Tuesdays, I believe Jake Marshall sent us both on a DM. He goes, I think you guys would like this. And it's a tweet thread of paradoxes. I love a paradox. What's that mean? You know, it's a paradox, Martin.

Now it's a thing that seems like it would be one way, but it's the other. Like looking, being effortless takes a lot of effort. That's a paradox. Oh, I see. And it's a list of these. And they're fantastic. Really? Yeah.

They're very wise. I'll shoot it over it. Right. Shoot it on over. By the way, I got a little bit of a beef. Just remember the beef. Bad beef? Don't have a beef.

I think he died. I was at the cellar last night and I go, Hey, did Mark grab the Tuesdays with stories? Fettuccine thing. And she goes, now it's behind the bar. He's never grabbed it. So I got it behind the bar. It's on display at the cellar now. I saw that.

It's almost more exciting. It's someone made it. I don't even know who. Thank you. Shout out. But it's like a few silly Jerry, but it's you and I on the couch. On the couch doing an app. Yeah.

And it now lives behind the bar at the cellar. But I'm like, that should be over here. And she's like, well, he never got it. So it's ours now. Well, I was at the cellar two days ago talking to our pal Ryan Hammy. Oh, I love Hamilton. And she goes, Oh, there's your thing. And I go, I'll grab it.

She goes, no, no, that's staying back there. And I said, I'm taking it. And she's like, don't fucking touch it. So next time she takes a shit, I'm grabbing it. All right. It's going in the studio. God damn it. Either way, it's nice.

I mean, we live at the cellar, which is fun or the studio or whatever. But shout out. Thank you for the artwork. Appreciate it. Hell yeah. All right. So how about this? So it's holiday season.

My nieces, I got two nieces. I think that's seven and three of the ages. OK. Who knows? Who cares? And I go, well, I should get them a gift because they had a birthday in October. They both have a birthday in October. A couple of Scorpios.

And I didn't go down in October, but I'm going down now. So I said, I'm getting them a gift. All right. I'm going to be the fun uncle, the fun uncle, the touchy uncle, and get them a gift. Go down on them. Yes. So I said, now let me break this down. My brother's a Kweefy vegan.

He's a, I don't get me started. He, you know, he's all into the hypno and the holistic and the hoes and the pimps. And I go, they don't have a TV over there. He should live with you in Cobble Hill. You can get a silly hat. He's not that, he's not hip. He's a filthy grimy goo gobbler. What's a great green gobbler?

Greasy grimy gopherguts, mutilated monkey meat. Itsy bitsy, birdy feet, and me without juice. All right. I don't know the song so well. My spoon. But I thought, OK, I can't get them a video game. I can't get them a movie. I can't get them a DVD player.

I can't get them a TV. I can't get them a laptop. I can't get them an iPad. I can't get them a Playboy, a Gameboy, nothing. You do the Tom Hawk chop over there. Yes. So no TV. So I go, you know what?

I've gotten them books. I've gotten them dildos and games and all this stuff. So I said, they're getting older. These are smart kids. They can't have a TV. I'm getting them a chess set. Oh, fun. Seven-year-olds love chess sets.

Well, these are kooky little, you know, they live on a commune, basically. These are like hippie-dippy children here. I don't know what the hell's going on. You're painting quite a picture. I might have to come down there and take a peek at this guy. I can't wait for the wedding. I'm going to meet this fellow.

Oh, yes. I'm excited. I'm going to ask about the chess board. Please, wait a minute. He's got rat tails and he's wearing a vest. It's wild over there. So I'm getting them a chess board. And I go, hey, I live in Greenwich Village, baby.

I'm going down to Thompson Street with the chess row. Oh, those ones are fun. You didn't tell me it was the Thompson Street chess board. Yeah. That's something. I mean, what's great about this city, there's a little, there's Curry Hill with the fucking Indians and then there's Korea Town, there's Chinatown,

there's Little Italy. There's chess row. Yes. Yes. So there's just a section of town full of chess stores. Yeah, losers, we call them. Yeah, nerds and virgins. Now how about this?

I'm down on Thompson. You know how you walk down that street a million times? We've all seen it. I'm sure there's a Bob Dylan album with that street in it. But I go, OK, this place is like games and things. It was called The Uncommons. Oh, I think I've seen that place. Now you go in here, ding, ding, ding, ding.

I open the door. It's just wall to wall game. Dungeons and Dragons, Othello, Hungry Hungry Hippo, Monopoly, Sorry, Battleship Risk. Like you name it. Apology accepted. They go into these like crazy, crazy games, like, you know, Crystal Dick or whatever.

And these kids are rolling dice. They all got cheese stashes and chain wallets and eyeliner on and figureless gloves. This is just a Big J store. It's a Big J. It is. And it's bananas because it's just these kids, as far as I can see, these nerds at every table is full of these nerds.

It's a freezing cold day outside. They're all warmed up, drinking hot cocoa and monster, and they're just playing D&D. That's wild. It sounds horrendous to me. It's horrendous, but it's a scene, man. There's like little weird black kids with crazy dyed hair and nose rings and lip rings and neck tattoos

and a goth, a lot of goth. It's exciting that there's somewhere for everybody. Yes. You can find a home. So you want your nieces to be part of this. No. Oh, no. I'd never step foot in there, but it's cool.

It's like you said, it's a scene. These people have somewhere to go. This is their comedy club. This is their gym. This is their pianist concert hall. Whatever the fuck you want to say. So what kind of board did you get? Did you get them toy soldiers or Barbies

or Taylor Swift's or just regular? Well, I got out of there immediately. They gave me one look. I had a button down on the hat on. And they said, who's the jock? And I said, oh, I'm sorry. And they almost swirled me. So I got out of there for one.

He was pointing a slingshot right at me. So I bailed, ding, ding, ding. I ran out the door. So I see another one. Two doors down called chess forum. Oh, that sounds a little better. Yes. It sounds a little more, you put a suit on.

You got a Russian guy in there. Exactly. So how about this? I walk in, ding, ding, ding. I walk in this place. It's all this shit. It's from the 70s. Guys said it was an old printing shop from the 40s.

Russian guy looked like Malkovich in rounders. He's eating an Oreo. He's like, yes, can I help you? And I'm like, oh, hey, trying to buy a chessboard for my niece. He's like, women, don't play chess. I'm like, all right, all right. And then you look back the whole, you know,

it's one of those old New York buildings. So they just, it's like long. Deep. Deep. Yes. And they just nerds back there hitting the thing. Bobby Fisher style, like 10 tables of kids playing chess. It was fantastic.

Do you know why the timer, is there a penalty? Do you lose a guy if you don't go fast enough? What is the timing aspect? I've wondered that a million times. Do you run out of time and whoever has the most things left wins? I don't think. What is the timing aspect of chess? I think it's just a clock and that

you hit it, meaning like I'm done. You're officially done. But there must be a reason why it's being timed. There must be a penalty if you take too long. Maybe. There has to be. Or else. Oh yeah, maybe you're right.

It's like a shot clock. Yeah. Interesting. I'd never understood the time aspect of it. Somebody's going to write in. Because they go quick like this. But what is the benefit of speed? Why do you win with speed?

Yeah, yeah, that's good. I don't know. The only thing I can think of is if you run out of time fully. But that doesn't make sense because someone would just burn out the clock. Maybe it resets it. Right when you hit, you're like, all right, it resets it for this guy. Oh, maybe. Uh-huh.

We have a reset. Because if they run out of time, they lose a turn. Is that right? Could that be something? Maybe, or they're penalized or something. But I have seen people get up and they do it and this shit. You know, they're walking around the table, looking at it from all angles.

Well, so you obviously have ample time. Towards the end. Maybe you got to save all your time till the end. Oh, maybe that's something. Oh, so maybe there's an individual clock for both people. And if you run out of time, you lose the game. I guess. You only have an hour to win or 10 minutes or whatever the fuck it is.

It feels like it should come down to a battle of wits, not time, though. But I will not have a battle of wits with an unarmed man. Who said that? I think Shakespeare. Ah, he's good. Yeah, he's very good. But yeah, so I go, look, just I don't want to cause any trouble there, Chatsky.

Let me just get my board and leave. And he goes, you want wood board or you want bitch board plastic? And I was like, give me the wood. Give me the wood. So I hopped over like $38,000 for this guy. And I got the best board in the country. And here it is at my apartment. Oh, that's exciting.

So you're going to give the kids a board. Going to give them a board. And they will be bored. They will be bored. And they'll hit me with a board. And then I'll be the chairman of the board. That's exciting. I love that kind of stuff.

Giving is a nice. Yes. It's the gift to keep whatever the fuck who cares. Hit them in the head with a surf board. Surf's up. That's that's a thrill. That's exciting. I'm excited to hear about it.

And when do you go down there for Christmas? Tomorrow. Thanksgiving. Yes. All right. So now we're back. It's weird. But now I'm worried that they have chess because it hit me on the walk home.

Like they got a million games. They don't have a TV. Of course, some idiot bought them a chess board 10 years ago. But they could collect chess. It's a new chess board. This chess board's from you. And it's handcrafted in New York or whatever. That's true.

It's handmade. That's why I was wondering if you got because there's some that are like toy soldiers or some that are football players. They have those customized. I should have done that. You can get one with whatever girls are into. I got the most basic bitch bottom of the line. Not bottom of the line, but just basic ass standard shit.

Right. I see. Now I should have gotten a Pokemon or a superhero or something. Whatever they're into. I'm sure it'll be fine. It'll be great. They'll be thrilled. They're dad will yell at them.

You said you got to say thank you. Pretend to like it. There'll be that. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be blood. You want to be the fun uncle and show up with a goddamn Super Nintendo and go put this in your cunt, you twat.

Then she's going to go, what? It's like from the future. Well, sometimes the most basic thing. I got my niece and nephew a little toy that has like air in it. And you put a ball in its mouth. And you just go like this. And it goes and it shoots a ping pong ball. They still play with it.

It's 10 years later. And then you put it between your knees, put it between your butt cheeks. You know, you hit it when you come or whatever it is. It's pretty fun. But I like it. Let me tell you about my evening last night. Please.

So you went off to the Madison Square Garden with Ari. I was with Ari in the afternoon and I said, hey, I'm going to see Deartic and Delta Spirit at Webster Hall. You got to be, you got to come over. And he said, well, I'm going to the garden. And I go, well, this is going to be better. I'm telling you that right now. And he said, well, I want to go to the garden.

I want to see this in a theater. I'm like a Madison Square Garden Theater. It's a documentary. You watch it later. Exactly. But it's a scene. You got to go be part of the scene and whatever. Oh, wow.

He's very good. Sure. A talented guy. Huge cock I heard. Oh, is that right? That's the word on the street. Wow. Well, we have something in common.

Next time I see him, I got it in. There you go. I go, hey, we're big cock buddies. Yeah, you got to show them though. But anyway, so he couldn't go. My wife and I went. I had a spot at the stand. And this is my new thing.

I'm going to these shows. And I always go, I got the show on the books. I can't do a set. So I got to do a set the next night. And I go, why don't I do an early spot? I'm at the stand. The stand is three blocks from Webster Hall. Good point.

So I went to the stand. I go, I got to go first. I got to rock and roll show days ago. I got a toe here, buddy. Step on it. So I went over there. Did Ray Goots and Ray DeVito show, the two rays. I did it after you.

Oh, nice. That was a good crowd. Great crowd. They were hot. Set of my life. Couple of Tuesdays there. I thought the name of the show should be catching some rays. I thought it should be original rays.

Oh, I like that. Because they ain't famous. No, they certainly aren't. Nor will they be. But just get, oh, shit. I spilled some tea on my ass. Come on, Kent. Get the tea.

Great guys. Great show. Love those boys. Good eggs. So we go over to the stand. I go first. Hot crowd. It was one of those ones where you're like,

why did I do a spot? I should just go to the concert. What am I doing? Go out there. And then the first line kills. I'm doing new stuff. And you see Ray's over there. He's laughing and smiling.

There's a couple of Tuesdays. Some beautiful women. Oh, yeah. Everybody's laughing. Great set. And then you just feel that post-set energy. You're just like, ah, it feels good. I'm glad I did it.

Great feeling. I get Sarah. She's there waiting for me, which is so fun to have a lady waiting for you. That is nice. In New York City. You feel like somebody cares. Yes.

They don't. But you feel like it. That's all you need to feel. You walk out. I got no hat, no coat. As you saw, you tried to give me a coat. I appreciate it. But you don't want to have a heavy coat at the concert.

Then you got to hide the coat. And then I go, well, there's a coat check. I should have just worn it. Whatever. But I go, it's four blocks. Whatever. Who gives a shit? So it's free.

We go over to Webster Hall, walk in. And I just love concert energy at the anticipation. You know, the band is coming. They got the merch there. Of course, I bought some merch. I'm a sucker for merch. I love merch. I love the merch.

I got 500 t-shirts. It's a huge collection. I got no room for any of it. But I like to merge. I like to support the bands. Sure. So we go in there. We get our spot.

Big Webster Hall spectacular venue. You're waiting for the band. You're all excited. Sarah's never heard of either band, but she came along because she's a good friend. She's open minded. Yeah. She's down.

She trusts me. I'm like, they rock and roll. You'll like it. I know what you like. And you're going to like this. She goes, OK, terrific. All right. She's easy going.

Very easy. So we go in there. We get our spot. And you're anticipating the band. And you're like, which band's going to come out first? Yada, yada. Whatever. Go in there.

Then I'm thrilled I don't have a coat. Once you're inside, you're like, I'm so glad I don't have the coat. Good point. Because I don't want to deal with the coat check. It's going to be freezing later. It's freezing now. Band comes out.

Deertik. Have you ever heard of Deertik? So fellow New Englanders, which I was just in Providence last weekend. Yeah. So New England band, they just kick ass. Tight, Americana, a little bit of country, rock and roll. Some good old fashioned Americana, rock and roll.

Hell yeah. And they rip every song. And they don't do any bullshit. They're just like, song, song, song. They're fun. They're funny. They're cute. They're exciting.

You hear that band? No more jargon with the dilly-dallying in the middle. We don't need your bullshit poignant statement. You're a half joke. You're your quotation. Keep it rock. Rock talk. It stinks.

Just song after song after song. They finish. We're just blown away. I'm blown away. I was like, I've always liked that band. I listened to them a little bit. Never did a deep dive. Never really seen them.

This band, I'm going to every show. Every time they come around, I'm going to see this band. This band was killer. And the band I love the most of the two is Delta Spirit, who I haven't seen in 10 years. Great band. I got to say, I was like, you guys are going to have to switch.

Oh, they couldn't follow the tick. Well, Delta Spirit. Deertik had more fans, I think. A few people trickled out. Oh, how do you like them apples? But Delta Spirit, by the way, sexiest frontman, Matt Vazquez. He's so hot.

He looks like Phil Provenza. Remember for the photographer? Is he a little Latino? I guess he's a little bit Latino, but he's a beautiful man. And a little bit rock and roll. I'll look him up. Vazquez, I always need a new hot guy in my life. Amazing voice, amazing face, kick ass band.

They fucking ruled. Then Deertik comes out at the end. They play together, and they do a whole thing. I love when there's like eight people up there. Everybody's sing-along, bang-along. It was just a beautiful show, great rock show. From my money, there is nothing better than live music. I just love them.

Gaggle at guys up there, cranking it out, having fun, making weird faces, and soloing, the whole thing. And then I look up to the balcony. I see Sam Evans and Shane Torres, couple great comedians, which we were trying to get their attention. They saw us later. They took photos of us, which is always weird,

because it's like your rock face. I'm like, I'm just like, oh my god, burn this photo. Sure. Great time. I don't like people taking photos of me when I'm not looking. They're like snapping about you while you're down. It's weird. Yeah, it feels weird, but it was cute.

It was sweet, but yeah, I look like a fucking idiot. Sweet guys, nice guys. Plus, my rock, I get into the vibe. I'm flowing. Every once in a while, someone be like, I am a big Tuesday, and I'm like, now I'm self-conscious, because I'm dancing like an idiot. You want to let go?

I'm singing along, but whatever. It was a great time, and just a great show, just a great American rock and roll show. I'm so fucking happy we're back and doing things again. If they shut down again, I will take my own life. Oh, I can't do it. But you're right, that band of horses show. I never go to shows.

I never sit and watch, and I had a blast. I had a beer in my hand. We're all dancing. It was that weird, crazy, hippie chick rocking out alone, dancing by herself. That was awesome. Love a loner. Yes, phone people just let it all hang off.

Just let it lie. Let it drip off. It is what it is. So great time. Then we leave, where a few blocks from the train, I go, let's go. And at that moment, I felt I made the right decision, because we're leaving, and there's

just a line at the coach check. And we walked right by, and I go, I'll be cold for seven minutes. You're right. Swooped right by all those people. And then we were on the subway, and I'm like, we'd still be in the coach check line right now. We get down there, the train comes right away,

takes us back to a story, a beautiful neighborhood. You should move there. It'll be fun. We'll have a good time. I don't know. Anyways, yeah, you're probably right. But anyways, it's a hell of a time, hell of a night. Go check out Deartic, Killer Band, Delta Spirit Rules, too.

But boy, that Deartic really showed me something. They were right at the top of my list of bands to see live. You hear that, DT's? You're cooking. You got new fans? I'm going to check you out now. It's a good word of mouth, turd of mouth. And I got to say, you got to set in, and you caught a show.

So that's a good night. Yeah, great feeling, and I'm excited. And big stuff coming up. Huge stuff coming up. Big stuff. I got a movie coming out, a special, the Netflix thing. We're on the road like crazy, and we're going to have a studio soon.

It's going to be a big year for the gigs. We are cooking. I never even thought about that. We really are. There's jizz all over our tongue. Netflix movie, YouTube special recording in a week. Yeah, well, as of tonight. Yeah, yeah, two shows cooking at the VU.

You got an opener and all that, Jazz? No way. Next, no, next, it's a week from now. I'm all fucked up. All right, so that's what I said a week. Yeah, one week. So I'm confused, because when I get back, it'll be tonight. But opener jizz, anyone?

Matt Wayne's opening, and that's going to be fun. And I got a whole crew there. I'm spending a ton of money on a sign. And it's weird because I don't get to see it, so I hope it doesn't suck. Sign? You didn't see the sign? Because instead of the comedy seller,

it's going to say, it's going to be like the comedy sell sign, but say Joe List. But it's a chunk of money. Is it the neon? I think it looks just like the comedy seller outside, the light bulbs. It's light bulbs. That'll get you.

Those neon's will cook, kill a price tag. I mean, I don't even want to say it. People will look at me differently. Over 6 Gs? I can't say. Because I know Phil Hanley spent a pretty penny on that bedsheet he had up behind him. I think somebody gave birth on that thing.

I mean, yeah, it's hairy, folks. So please, when the time comes, hit that Venmo, that PayPal, the Chipotle, give me the Starbucks, because I'm breaking the piggy bank for this fucking thing. Wow, you're out of house and home on the sign. I saw the sign. And you haven't seen it. I have not seen the sign.

No. And then I'm just going to say, what if it sucks? I might have to just be like, OK, here's a pile of cash. Thanks for ruining my special. Get a photo of it, at least, just to see where you're at. It's like Bill Ingval. Here's your sign. Well, they send a diaphragm, but I

don't know how to use those things. A diaphragm. I don't know if that's going to help you in this case, but either way, you won't have a kid. But we'll see. But anyways, let me give somebody shoot some dates. Get some dates in my ass. Let me just get right through it.

That was a great scene. Yeah, we are. That's what she said. All right, so December 1, which is this week, this week, tomorrow, Cleveland Hilarities, one night only. Come out. No, that's alarm. Cleveland Hilarities, December 27.

By the way, Poughkeepsie's moved. They have like a flooding or something. Something happened. So that date is out. So you know, refund your tickets if you had them. Nobody did. December 22, one night only, secret group in Houston. Hell yeah.

Then January 15, Vancouver, I don't know the venue, but you'll be able to figure it out with the Googling. And January 16, one night only, laughs in Seattle. Oh, that's lunch. And then I'm coming back to Fort Worth. I'm coming to Toronto at one point. And Berlin, of course. And go to my YouTube, please, for the love of tits.

Subscribe to my YouTube. I've been putting some stuff on there, some good stuff. But I want to get those subscribers up for the algorithm when the special eventually does come out. Yes, yes. Get on the YouTubes, folks. I will be in Charlotte Comedy Zone, Atlanta Buckhead Theater, Milwaukee Improv, Kansas City Improv.

MarkNormanComedy.com. Also in Toronto at the Dark Comedy Fest, I think I'm there with a couple of crazy cats, Lewis Gomez, and who knows who else. Are we there the same weekend? Maybe. Are you there at the Dark Comedy, whatever? Yeah.

Oh, I'll see you there. Oh my god, that's insane. Yes, is that right? Pretty good. We're doing a podcast. Finally, we made it. Oh, maybe we are doing a pod. Is that right?

I have no idea. Oh, well, hopefully that'll be fun. And yeah, MarkNormanComedy.com. I hate myself. Out to lunch. Check them out. Keep an eye out. Keep an ear to the ground for the old new special.

My new special is coming out, I think December 26. Who knows if I'm supposed to say that? And yeah, keep on keeping on. It is what it is. Agree to agree. I think that's Keith Rich's birthday. George is saying cut it. Cut it.

Or maybe it's Mick Jaggers. Brains all out. No, he doesn't July. No one wants to be themselves. I'm in my headings when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe that it can.