Tuesdays with Stories! - #430 Balzac Bust

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

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Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Ah! Here we are, folks. We're doing it.

We're live. We're... Weafin. We're at New York City. Reporting from the couch. We got nine cats here. One chuck and two gays. I don't know how you're living like this.

You got a second cat. It ain't easy. I was just in the bathroom with both cats. What? The new cat tried to drink my piss. I swear to God. Wow. You had a threesome in the bathroom with two cats.

Basically, we got our cat. We got the fat man. I don't know where he is now. He's probably shitting blood or eating a taco. But then we got a friend who we need to house cat sit for. Because they cat sit our guy. The goose is for the gander. Oh, the cat.

Yeah. The cat got your tongue. I think about getting a dog. But you're just gone all the time. What do you guys do? You have someone take your cat? We bring it to a pal and they watch it. Oh, I see.

But the beauty is the cat is pretty manageable. You throw it in the dryer and it just spins. So if you're planning a trip, whatever, do you ever take the cat? Can you bring a cat on a plane? You can. It ain't pretty. It's a lot of rrrrr. And then you take it out to pet it.

And it's like it hates it. And you got to put it back in the carrier. But on a Amtrak, it's not so bad. Wow. What are you going to do? Travel like fucking Julius Joe Jackson across the country with a kitten? Riding the rails over here. I mean, yeah, it's hard because like, you know, my wife, you know, she hates me.

I hate her. I got a small dick. She's got a big pussy and we don't have no pets. Yes. And so every once in a while, I think it would be so fun. What you want is the moment where she key Christmas Sunday or whatever and she keys in the door. And I'm like, oh, I forgot your gear. Well, you know what?

I got a little something I could give you open that door. It comes running out and bites your tits off. And you're like a hero. You could get a retarded boy or something. They'd be the same. But no, you're right. It's nice. They come home.

They eat you out. They lick your toes. It's great. Well, at our age, if we had a kid, it would be a retarded boy. True. I mean, she's 59. I'm 61. But that moment is so fun.

Was this cat a surprise or was it let's go get a cat like assholes? Wait. Surprise to me. I came home after a long hard stint on the road and I was like, what's this come? Guzzler doing? And she said, oh, yeah, you know, it's good for the goose. It's good for the gander. Oh, surprise cat.

I know. Yikes. Nobody's running shit by me. I got no hand. I mean, a dog is a best friend. You know, I don't want to go into a cat's dog's bit here, but a cat, a dog is really, it loves you. It licks you.

It bites the enemy. Yes. The enemy. This cat helps the enemy. You know, I read a story about a dog had knocked a gun out of a guy's hand. He was trying to kill himself. I feel like a cat would load the bullets. You know, he'd be out of here.

Get out of here. I swear to God. True story. Now, what if he jumped with the dog, run down and catch him or what? Yeah, he would let you catch the fall or whatever. Wow. Or maybe he'd bite the guy's ankle and he's hanging there and then the dog would pull him back up.

I had a fun metaphorical. What the hell was that? Am I shedding? Am I going bald? You got dandruff? Right in this moment? I just sprinkled out. Oh, well, welcome to adulthood.

What was I going to say? Oh, I had a metaphorical thing happen the other day. I think it's just dandruff. What is dandruff? Can I ask that? I think it's pollen, little hair, little dust. It's a conglomeration of jizz and queves and pubes. Well, it can't include dust because there's dust and dandruff.

So dust wouldn't be solo if it's also in dandruff, right? Yeah, yeah. Good for the gander. That's a good point. Yeah. What is dander? You know what dander is? I thought dander came from animals.

I thought like dander came from dander. Well, this is all, this is dandelion here. Dandelion, yeah. What's that to say? No. I got this target for $4 thing. This is chinchilla. Oh, so there's the metaphorical thing.

I don't know where the dander came from. I didn't think of dander. It was coming out of your eyeballs. Oh, because I thought it was dander. That's right. Yeah. But a dander hugging kiss. It wasn't bad.

Amanda dander. Something, yeah. I think it was better than your, I think it was better. Chuck's laughing. All right. Well, good. I don't like that Chuck has sex.

It's insane to me. You look like Chuck is here. Oh, yeah, I know. I can't believe someone is fucking Chuck. Hold on. You can't see him on camera. They can't see how gross he is. So what does it help?

I can't see Peter. So I was trying to open the curtain in my hotel, right? Ah, yes. And I couldn't get it open. And I was getting angry. I was going, what the fucking curtain piece of shit hotel? And then I realized I was standing on the bottom. Ah, very metaphorical.

Yes. You think, what the fuck? Everything's fucking. Oh, it's me. It's something I'm doing. Interesting. That's true. I like it.

As Thom York said, you do it to yourself. And that's what really hurts. Radiohead. I like to say Thom. It's funny. Yeah. It's like often. Hmm?

Like saying often. But that is the word, like often powers. Oh, I thought it was often. But it is often. Right? I think often is the correct way. There's a T in there, isn't there? Yeah, it's a silent T.

A silent night. I often, I mean, you say often. But I thought it was like button. Not button. What's the one? Smelled. Smelt. The way people say smelt.

But it is smelled. No, it's smelt. No, it's smelled. Smelt is a vision, isn't it? We might even have this conversation before. Yeah. I don't know about that one. He smelled.

What about Honest? Honest, Papa's. Is it often? It's often. That's how you're supposed to say it? Yeah. No kidding. I mean, I often, I guess I don't say often that much.

Offenheimer. You don't say often. Yeah, it's pretty un-often. Not often. I don't think that's a word either. It's not often, I say often. There we go. That's fun.

All right. But anyways, I was doing, I was standing on the thing and I had a moment, I was like, that was something, that was a real... Good for you for absorbing it though. Most people go, ah, I'm a fucking retard. All right, boop, boop, boop, boop. Yeah, I did both. You took it in.

But anyways, I went in the bathroom and this cat, alternative cat, was in there. Yes. And I tried to open the door to let it out, but then I'm hearing you guys. I can't hear you and try to piss. I can't have a cat near me and try to piss. So I turned the water on to drown you guys out. But then the cat jumped up on the sink, but I think cats melted water. Don't they have a water thing?

Yeah, they're like gremlins. They like water. Oh, I thought they, if they get water, if you splash it, doesn't a cat freak out? They don't like it. They don't like water. You're right. Okay. So that, so I closed, I turned the water off so he wouldn't get whatever.

But then he was licking the bowl. Yeah. But then I started to piss and he heard the piss and he went, ooh, there's more of that thing. So then he was like on the sink, like a gargoyle looking at my piss. And I was like, I can't have a cat drink piss as much as I don't care for cats. I don't want him to drink piss. He'll dig it.

You think? Yeah. They like a tinkle. They like anything tinkling. Like that's why we have this little, uh, stupid Nazi dribbler here. Cause it, it, it trinkles and tinkles. But the problem is if you watch a cat with a faucet, once the faucet gets turned off, it licks the, the rim.

I can't have a cat lick my dick again. Rim job. Yeah. That thing's got a bite. Well, it's got the paper, sandpaper tongue too. It's not great on the, on the chode. Are you dry? Is your skin all dry?

I don't drink. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't watch porn. So I, I just sit at home. I take another shower. Cause otherwise I'm just looking at Instagram. I'm like the chuchu.

The shower's bad. What do you mean? That's a paradox. Everybody goes, Hey, I'm dry. I'll jump in the shower. Now you're drying out your skin more. Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm not taking the shower to get dry.

I'm taking it cause I'm going. I'm a mentally handicapped child late at night on the run. I got nothing to do. So I go into the shower cause the shower's fun, but I'm doubly dry as a result. I'm not going to get dry. I'm a mentally handicapped child late at night on the run. I got nothing to do. So I go into the shower cause the shower's fun, but I'm doubly dry as a result.

Yes. And you get flaky. You get ashy and ash Wednesday. And you get, I get dandruff real bad. I get chap lips. I'm a mess. I mean, I, I don't want to show you. Plus I wear the same underwear every day for a week.

Cause I don't know how to pack cause I'm fucking Kevin McAllister. Same here. So I'm just all. Kevin. I'm all itchy everywhere. And I started itchy. And once you started itchy, I can't stop like a heroin addict. Yeah.

You can't see the shit. It's hidden. It's good marks. Hidden shitting. Yes. Often. Hard hitting Mark Whitton. Ah, yeah.

He's a. Kitten. Guy. All right. But yeah. Where were you all this weekend? I've been everywhere. Oh, I've been gone for a week.

And then before that I was gone for a week. Yes. I had the one night in bed out of 14 days. Oh man. One night in Bangkok. I've been there and I opened Pandora's cock with the whole. Hey, don't say where's Joe. Hey, what's Joe up to the Q and a.

Now they all do it as a goof. Oh, so I'm screwed. So I need to show it says I don't know where Joe is. Forget it. It's too much. It's too. The whole thing. It's cute that they're on board.

They're zinging me. We're having fun. We're busting balls. We're shooting the shite. But I got no good answer. It's very cute. Uh-oh. Yeah.

As you're seamin. Oh my God. Good Lord. He went full of Crip at the end of that or blood. I saw a guy sneeze into his mask and then that's it. I'm like, you're going to just leave that? You got to throw that out. No, you got to get to the movies.

You're going to walk around with a sneeze in your own mask. You got to take the mask down and sneeze into your shirt. Now you live with that. The mask is least disposable. I'd rather have sneeze on my tits than fucking. Then you're just breathing in your own sneeze. Good to know for when I finish on you. I'll shoot it right on the chest and not the mug.

The mug just stands out. But yeah, everyone. But my thing, the wears mark is fun. That's like a sweet, like I listened to the show. The problem I have is like, you know, when Mark was here, this is what he did. I don't know if that's fantastic. You know, Mark doesn't talk like that.

He doesn't say that. Mark goes to this thing. You're going to go to the other show. That's where Mark went. I'm like, I don't do what Mark does. I don't know what the fuck he did. I don't care what he did. That is strange.

I don't understand that at all. Well, we're different people. What do I care? You know, you're going to do the thing. You're going to do this? No, I don't know what that is. Well, that's what Mark does. All right.

Well, that's great for him. What the fuck do you want me to do? You're going to do that fentanyl. You're going to do a line up the fat chick. You're going to, you know, eat, eat ass and get age pylori. No, we're different. Yeah. So whatever you're going to do.

It's an odd couple. You go through the legs. Now between the legs. I go between. I see. Yeah. Anyways, I was in Royal Oak, Michigan. Just missed you.

I know. Yeah. What the hell? I know. We missed each other by a couple of days. Where's Joe? He's in town. Why isn't he with you?

I know. I wanted to stay. I should have stayed and hung, but I had to other business. Then I went to Cleveland. Then from Cleveland to Indianapolis, Indianapolis home. It was quite a journey. Middle, Middle East. Middle West.

That's right. Middle West sounds way worse or different than Midwest. Yeah, that's true. Middle West sounds like something in the Lord of the Rings. I went to Middle West. Middle West. And killed an orc and got the ring and gollum. Let me pull up some.

No, I mean, I got a bunch of shit. All right. Put it in my ass. See if I finish happening here. Lay it on me. Oh, this is a while ago. This is back in here. When was the last time we recorded?

It's been a year. It's been quite some time. It's been quite some time. I think we did early, right? Something happened. Anyways, I haven't seen you since the 70s. But so I went to the stand, did a spot. It was like a produce show.

It's one of these shows. You get over there and it's upstairs. And there's like the window you can see in. Hate upstairs. And there's just seven people. I can see the heads and like, it's good. Good crowd. Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm looking. I'm like, how? What are you talking about? Yeah. There's more people in the East street band that are at this fucking show. What's that? That was my clearance. Oh, you ever seen that video dancing in the dark?

I've seen the video. I mean, I would have done. That's a little vague. Anybody can do that. No, that's big. He's a saxophone. He plays the saxophone bar none. You got to put that clip in, Chuck, of the giant black guy

with sleeveless shirt and the flat top going. Yeah. Then when he's done, he plays the sax. You think Clarence, you think sax. You don't think claps. All right. I think clap, I think. Me in the 80s.

Yeah. I mean. Yeah. No, I hear you, but that's just burned into my brain seeing that music video. And I think Courtney Cox comes up and eats him out. That's right. That's exciting.

See, she was hot for like 10 minutes. Oh, she had a window. Yeah. It was a real window. Window. Isn't it weird that Brad Pitt hot for 30 years? Courtney Cox had like eight minutes of fame or whatever that thing is.

She's like a plate of nachos where they're great, but you wait too long and that shit's ruined. Yeah, forget about it. She's a nacho window hot. Yeah. She's a nod ho. Here's your title. Hey, all right.

Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Aniston's still going. This is the other cat we're sitting. I know. I just got used to Greg. And now we got Pete or whoever the fuck this is.

Not Greg. What's his name? I think it's Reggie. Reggie. I can't keep up. It looks white. Hell, he was late. What was that time?

What the fuck were we doing? Oh, so I go to the stands. Oh, Courtney Cox. Go to the stand. And the greatest rock and roll saxophone play has been reduced to a clapper. Hey, that was a fun item in the 80s. The clapper.

We've got a clapper. Now we got a VR. You know, we've really kicked it up. We got iPads. Someone freaked me out. She was like, dude, we're like really close to like everything virtual. Forget about it.

We're like, you and I, the three of us will hang all at our house with VR goggles and you'll be there. And you have a conversation. No one will ever have to leave their house again. It's a nightmare. It's really bizarre. And then there's going to be two camps. There's going to be concentration.

No, there's going to be real life people. And then there's going to be the VR people who just stuck and live in that world because it's too good. They're getting laid. They're in a private jet. They're in a mansion. They're in Tuscany. And we're out here at the grocery store like a chuch.

But here's the thing. That's the video game version of this. The like, let me go play a video game thing. But she's, they're saying that like that will be actual life. Not like I'm going to throw on VR and fuck Jenna Jameson. But like shopping, you just go on and like, like almost like Amazon, the way you click, kind of like that now, but you throw on goggles and you're just like in the grocery store, grabbing

things like this or whatever. Or like meeting the way everything's on zoom now. Yeah. Zoom will just keep improving. So like comedy shows will just be like, hey, throw on the goggles. You're at the show. It'll look real. I know, but I do.

I think you're right. But I think people are going to stand back and go, hey, you coming to my show, you got to be in the room. I hope so. There's going to be a two camp. I hope so. But I don't want to go off the deep end here. But this is all crazy.

Like I was in Cleveland, which is always regular depressing. Now it's like next level. I go out to walk. It's me and six schizophrenic guys. Nobody's working. It's empty. The country got hit real hard in the pooper. I mean, I told you about Portland.

I hear SF. They're killing Girl Scouts on the street. They're shitting on the sidewalk. It's wild out there. It's it's Thunderdome. It's a banana. It's scary. I ended up, I had an off night in Cleveland.

I just walked around that arcade by myself. Yeah. I get my steps in because I went outside and I got mugged by the hamburger. It was fucking terrifying. I had to stay inside. Yeah. That area.

You got about talking about a window. You got about three blocks down that little street with the clubs on it. That's it. Yeah. But then even then you got crazy. That's true. And you're like, fuck me hard.

I don't want to deal with it. I know. And the hobo you give to one and then the next one rolls up and he goes, Hey, here's a honky. I'll hit him up and you go, I gave it to your friend. And he goes, I don't know him. And you go, what do you want me to do? I know.

Should I come out here with the ice cream? That guy got to get a change belt. Oh, yeah. Keep ball happy. I like those change belts. Those are fun. I always wanted one of those. Good time.

Anything you take out and it replaces. Yeah. Pez. That's it. Pez was good. The other thing, there's always a thing that. Even a cigarette case. You know, you got the guy.

Oh, yeah. That's a good look. Even the Altoid, I think is pretty sexy. Yeah. That's fun. The cigarette thing was big. How about in like a once upon a time in Hollywood, you got that wooden one.

It's all like organized. Nice. Yeah. And then you have a couple of stovies in those wooden ones. That's nice. Yeah. Those are fun. Yeah.

Anything in a case. A cigar, a poker. You know, your friend's like, oh, let's play some poker. He pulls out that big metal motherfucker and flips it open. A pool cue. Pool cue. You screw it in. That's nice.

That's nice. Even in the movies, like the action movies where the guy pulls out a briefcase and he opens it up and he's got his guns sitting in the correct slot of Styrofoam. Yes. You're like, who cuts that? Yeah. That's nice. And then he goes to the future two when they go back to the past and he opens the case.

He's got money from everywhere. Oh, that was big. He goes through there and he's got every year and he's like pulls out a couple things. Something he can speak to us. Right. Great film. It's so weird to be broke for most of your life. Always poor.

And then like I worked on a few movies as a PA and whatnot and they would go, all right, here you take this money. You go get lunch. Then they'd be like, you go get it. We're out of stop signs. Go buy a stop sign. Now we're out of shoes. Go get it.

You're just handing out cash. They call it petty cash. I'm like, this could pay by rent. Yeah, petty cash is weird. I worked at Sears. They had petty cash. Take some petty cash and go buy a banana. What's petty?

Tom? Richard. Ah. Wait, let me get to these ladies. Oh, sorry. I hate these ladies. We even digress. One lady.

You're going to hate this lady. This might be the all time lady we hate the most ever. Ah, we've had some real coups awards, a real cunt of fame. That would be fun. We're going to have a cunt of fame Tuesdays with stories. Go back to the backlog. Yes, COF. We have to do it with men, too, because otherwise we look like assholes.

Sure, sure, the dick of fame, but that sounds like a porn series. The dick of fame. Oh, boy. I don't think I'd make it. No. Maybe a shame. Take a shame. Yeah.

Yeah, I'd make the cunt of, or wait, shit. I'd make the dick of fame, but only because of the moles. Ew. Whaa. Moles. If I ever go on a lineup, I'm out. What do you think about sitting like this? Because it's kind of comfy, but it's a real T kettle leg cross.

I mean, I don't think, if my wife dies, I'm just a virgin the rest of my life. Ah, it's a bad looking. I think you're killing some sperm in there. No, my balls are, it's all squashed up. Oh. Because I got the long bag. See, I got the long bag. Mine go lower.

I can go lower high. You want me to go low? Yeah, go low. I got to do a little adjusting, but I'll go below. There we go. No, that's not it. Well, that's no good. Yeah, see.

Let's go. Oh, I got one up, one down. I've had that too. Stacked. Yes. Stack Edwards. Good show on NBC with Pamela Anderson. Really?

Stacked. No, it wasn't a good show, but I jerked off to it. I never heard of it. Elon Gold. Really? She was a book salesman, so it was stacked. Because you stacked the books. Get out of here.

Nineties. Wow. Elon Gold's back on curves. I know. He's doing it up. Anyway, so these girls. This girl. I'll put her up there with one of the word.

I mean, you've had some run-ins, but this is one of the words. Now tell you why. So I got my Starbucks. You know me. I like my tea. I'm always like my tea. I'm carrying my tea around. Routine.

I got some problems. Routine. Ager. A routine ager. Oh, okay. I don't know. Poutine. I don't mind if I do.

There you go. Where's the cat? I don't know. All right. So you got the Cous of the Year. I got the Starbucks. I walk into the show. I go up on stage with the comics coming off.

I go, they any good? Like, it's good. They're fun. They're laughing. I go, oh, great. I walk on stage and a girl. There's seven people. Maybe there's 12, whatever.

There's one woman all the way left. She goes, oh, God. You walk on stage? I walk on stage. I haven't said anything. Oh, God. What is up with these girls? I go, what?

She goes Starbucks. He's drinking Starbucks. Oh. I can't win. Yeah. She goes, it's not even reusable. Jesus. Oh.

What is this? Is this a Portlandia sketch? I go, what the fuck? I haven't said a word. I just walked on. She literally gives me, oh, he's drinking Starbucks and it's not reusable. Oh, I'm appalled. And so right away, I wanted to kick her head off her shoulders.

She's just sitting right there in the front row. I hated this woman so much. Reusable. You know, it was fun too. It's double cupped because it's tea. It's hot. And I go, look at this. It's double cupped.

I'm not going to use this one. I go, this one's not even wet. Yeah. I'm going to throw it straight in the trap. I haven't done a bit yet. I haven't said anything. I hope you threw it in their face. I walked out.

I go, yeah, I'm going to throw this out. I'm going to go fucking light some Styrofoam on fire. She goes, oh, please don't. Please don't. Wow. This is a comedy show. Huh? She seems like a good time.

And then I go, I go, what do you, I got a bit about climate change. I go, what do you worry about climate change? I'm like, let me try to, let me try to just exhale, get through this. I got a climate change bit. So I go, it sounds like you're concerned about climate change. Go into a bit. Just nothing. I look over, she's just like this.

And then I get filled with hatred. I'm like, you're a piece of shit. You're the worst kind of person. Clearly. Because you think that you're the hero. Yeah. You think you're like a good person. Yep.

And let me tell you something. We got climate issues, environmental issues. My Starbucks cup, if I shot myself in the head, none of it, the world's problems are solved. No. No, no, no. You're going to save on two cups a day for the rest of your lives or whatever the fuck. She read one article. It's like that guy who goes, hey, you're going to eat that burger?

Don't get the burger. Cows die out there or whatever in the mills. And they cut them up and they slaughter them. And you go, it's on the menu. Somebody else is going to order it. And it's me getting this burger is going to change the world here. Your energy is in the wrong place. You're such a douche.

And it's like, if you want to help the environment, I wanted to go out. I'm like, I hope you're a vegetarian. I hope you don't take cabs. I hope you don't wear leather. I hope you don't drive. I hope you don't jump shit in the ocean. Like you better be perfect. If you're going to see a person with a cup and go, oh, what an asshole.

She had a chip. And also you think your local coffee place, whatever, they're somehow way better than Starbucks who pays livable wages, I might add. And also gives birth to the coffee culture. Starbucks is good. Fuck you. Fuck them. Fuck her.

Here, here. Pro Starbucks. And yeah, double cup. What do you want me to do? Useable cup everywhere I go. I'm drinking tea. We're going to drink beverages. What am I supposed to do?

Carry around a glass? I know. Exactly. Take a glass from home. Get one of those big, what do you call those, like energy? Not energy, the things that people bring to the gym. These guys. Steroids.

Oh, a tin. They want you to bring that shit around everywhere or whatever it is. And you're like, I'm not doing that. And look, the paper straw thing. That was a big to do with the whole country. A turtle fucked a straw. I went up his ass and it gave him bowel cancer. They found out they didn't do anything.

The straws are fine. I'm all for reducing plastic. I want to play ball. I want to help. I turned my lights off. I recycle. I donate money to the nature conservatory or the fucking school. I'm donating left and right.

This is the clean air task force. They're supposed to be the best thing. I'm giving all kinds of money to them. And I walk when I can and I jog when I can't or whatever. She thinks she's helping, but it's really just narcissism. It's me, me, me. Let me show you by shaming him that I'm a good egg. You're a rude asshole.

You're at a show. I mean, that's the main thing. I keep looking at Chuck. Sorry, Chuck. I can't understand how you're getting laid. So I keep looking over there. I'm like, what's he doing? It's a problem.

I guess you special something. Special K eating too much. I was gonna say K, but I wasn't sure if K made sense. It did. But I still went for it. Special gay. Aha. I just hate, I'm like, you're such a rude douche bag.

Yeah. A fucking douche. Well, the thing is they're validated to be rude because you're the bad guy. Right. So now I've made you, I've cemented you as the bad guy. Now I can be the biggest cunt on the block because I'm doing good. I'm morally superior, so I can shit in your lunchbox and I still am the savior. Yeah.

It really is just obnoxious. She's like, anyways, I fight through the set. And then there's a woman over here and she was, this is so long. I got like really, where are we here? Stand. Oh, stand. What? The stand upstairs.

Remember with the window? Yes. Courtney Cox. So there's another woman. I'm just dying now. I got to fill my time. I want to just leave and I say, Hey, you got beautiful makeup job. I mean, this lady said something too, but she said something like productive.

Okay. She was like, did you know this or something like that? Because there was a weird wine glass and she's like, you know, it's, it's designed after something. Do you know anything about this? Yeah. Always good when you're interacting with the audience this much. That's never a good sign when you guys have a full conversation about a wine glass with

the audience. We're sure I've ever done. It was like a, there's a wine glass designed after a kidney bean or something weird. I don't know. I don't know. I know why it's bad for the kidneys. I don't know what happened, but something happened. So I said, Oh, and I got, by the way, beautiful makeup.

She's gorgeous. And her face, she had like the right tits, Sarah's into makeup. So I know a little bit about the makeup and she had just beautiful contour, black face. It was just really something. And I said, Hey, great makeup job. And her friend went, Oh, come, she's naturally beautiful. Now I want to cut ahead so you don't get upset. The woman who I complimented was complimented, but this next one goes, she's naturally beautiful.

And her other friend goes like, what are you doing? That's not, you don't do that. And then this girl, the original T girls like this, oh, she gives me another, oh, wow. And I go, what do you want? Is that bad? I started like back pedaling. I'm like, is that no good? You are wearing makeup.

Yes. Yes. It looks nice. I don't understand. You obviously worked hard on it. And then finally the world with the makeup said, yeah, yeah, no, I appreciate it. Like, I'm like, I feel like flatter. That's why I'm quiet.

She's like, I appreciate it. I tried a new thing out and I'm like, I can tell you worked hard and it looks great. Talk about metaphorical. This comes back to your curtain with the foot and the problem is quiet. The happy people are quiet. It's these psycho wackos who have to voice everything, broadcast every thought they have, every fucking complaint. But all the sane people in America are just quiet.

And then we keep listening to the whack jobs because they're the ones screaming, the squeaky wheel, man. She was wacky and I felt horrible because I never want to hurt anyone's feel. I mean, fuck the tea lady. Fuck her. I hope her feelings are hurt. I hope her tits hurt. Tea for twat.

Yeah. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I just like, if I tell Sarah, hey, your makeup looks great. She's like, thanks for noticing. It's so sweet. How much you care about my makeup or whatever. Let's make up some makeup on me.

I hate kiss. So I was like, it looks great. She's like, yeah, I worked hard and I was like, I can tell you worked hard and I'm glad I complimented you. And you killed it. And I said to the frat, fuck you. I go, fuck you and fuck you. You fucking made me feel like shit.

Yes. Your asshole. Yes. Good. Naturally. I'm like, and she is beautiful. She's wearing makeup. So why not compliment the makeup?

These gals woke up on the wrong side of the trough. They wanted to yell at somebody. You were the guy. They're at a comedy show. There's not a lot of people in the audience. No one's doing security. So they feel entitled, just run their yaps and it's pretty rude and no one stops them. What do you think of this?

Because I think I get this is a good analogy. It's the equivalent, if I went, hey, I like your shirt and pants and you went, you don't think I look good naked? Ah, yes. That's pretty good, right? That's a decent analogy. Yeah. I'm like, I'm going to stand because you could go, oh, you're naturally beautiful.

Well, I'm more than just my looks. Oh, I'm just saying you're very pretty. Oh, you're objectifying me. We could just do this all day. All day. But she was nice. She was like, ah, she's like, I did. I tried something different and she was like flattered, like buttered up.

I think I might have been able to make love to her. Yeah. Well, you know, we need the compliment to actually speak up sometimes and that's kind of a micro concept for everything. You know, trans. We got to help trans people. And then you hear some trans person go, I'm good. Stop talking for me.

And that's what you need. You need the trans person to pipe up and they go, what, I'm going to work. I don't care about you guys as dumb bicker, but we need you to say something. It's true. Well, it's a lot of broad strokes. People can say to the trans people, then you got one trans person that's offended by Chappelle and one trans person is like, I love Chappelle. And then we go, oh, trans people feel this way and you're like, no, some do some don't.

It's like saying women like tall men. Well, some women like clam. Some women like a thumb in the ass and so do all the other women, but that's a bad example. Sure. They all like it, I think. I think so. I got to trim my nail. But no, I think you're right.

Yeah. And we do that with it. Men are toxic. So gay guys, all cops are bastards. So the black ones too. Like, well, you can't just broad. Too broad. I'd like to stroke that broad.

Love a broad. Do you watch broad city? I caught a minute. Yeah. I saw it a couple times. I was kind of attracted to Alana. Something there. I like a big Jew mug.

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Well, yeah. I was also in Royal Oak and had the great sets all around so there's no good story. But we had the one show where we had this guy, Brett Hayden, come out. He's the host. And they go, Brett Hayden. He comes out and the girl goes, Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett. And you're like, what are we doing here? You're a grown up.

You're at a comedy show. You're at a live event. Somehow the lines with comedy got skewed. You never do that in Broadway. Not once in a million years you get tased and thrown out like Jazzy Jeff. Well, it's a nightclub. That's the difference. This theater and nightclub.

And we've talked about this before in a lot of those old magazines, it would say arts and then you flip to nightlife. Oh, we're nightlife. We're nightlife. We're not art. We're nightclub nightlife. You got to go to the theater. In a theater they'll say something.

In a theater, yeah, I've done very few theater gigs or I guess I've opened for a lot of theaters. But yeah, you're right. It's like, this feels good. They're laughing. They're not, they're not going, let me get the, the taquitos, you know, they're not rolling over, doing shots. They're not clinking.

And you go, this is pretty good. And it's almost like we have to get through the clubs as some kind of weird test and like obstacle course. And then you earn theater. A gauntlet. Gauntlet. Josh Gauntlet, man. That was a stretch.

But yeah, yeah, you're right. It's a gauntlet. But you got to earn those theaters. You got to earn the theater. But yeah. I think it's because we're nightclub, nightlife, whatever. Nighttime. Nightlife.

You flip. I like the nightlife, baby. I like the boogie. Yeah. Who's that? A Stefan? No, I think it's older than that. I like the nightlife.

I liked it. Gloria Gaynor, maybe? Ooh. No, I think she did the one song. I will survive. Yeah. But she didn't really survive. No, I think she won herself.

One hit wonder. Oh. I like the nightlife. Maybe it's the Bee Gees. No. Who's the lady? Well, they can pass. Maybe it's cool in the gang.

There's only like six disco people I've ever heard of. Yeah. Can we get a ruling on this joke? Give it a go. Who's saying I like the nightlife? I like the boogie. Yeah. And who's the gang?

Is it just cool? Cool in the gang. They sang the other one. They sang Get Down Tonight. Do a little dance. And then they had a second one. Were they funky music white boy? Alicia Bridges.

I knew it was a lady, like a lone lady. Get out of here with the Alicia Bridges. Who does white boy funky music? Play that funky music. And as a kid, I remember being bothered by it. It was like, geez. Imagine saying that the other way. Play that funky music, black child.

Lay down the boogie and play the movie. Oh, yeah. Wild Cherry. That's right. I remember that. Then there was hot chocolate. A lot of sexy foods in the 70s. 70s was all sex all the time.

Oh, yeah. It's pre-AIDS. Pre-AIDS. You can really get crazy pre-AIDS. But now sex is crazy again. I mean, Chuck is getting pussy. Ronald Hershberg gets laid. I'm eating here.

It's just terrible. That's appalling. The cops are coming now. They heard that. Um, Royal Oak, the Bret Lady. Oh, oh, yeah. Sorry. So, uh, I had this one where it's a great club,

comedy castle, good club. Then they did it to the feature Nate. And then they're like, hey, man, what do you want to do? And I was like, just throw her out. Get rid of her. And they're like, really? And I'm like, yeah, get rid of her. So they got rid of her.

And that was it. I'm a fan. I always say that. I'm like a Nazi when it comes to comedy clubs. I throw people out immediately. Why not? When the show starts and they're like, are you ready for comedy? And they're like, woo.

I'm like, you're out. Sorry. Tell already. You're just obnoxious. Leave. See ya. Yeah. You're hammered on the way in.

You're messed up. You're cooked up. What's the point? I mean, I'm doing a show and I used to go, oh, you can't handle it. Oh, you're a bitch. Oh, you, uh, you need silence. What do you, some kind of artist, you some kind of baby. And now I'm like, eh, I want to do the bits.

Yeah. It's a little much. You're sitting here. You got shit faced and now I got to deal with it. Get out of here. It stinks. All right. Now I feel guilty.

I hate drunks. Yeah. They're tough. And I become one later, but I'm not going to do it and ruin somebody. Maybe I'll yell an Uber driver. Yeah. You don't ruin the day. I went to the, I went to the big 10 championship football game on Saturday.

Big 10. In Indianapolis. Indeed. I'm skipping around here, but we brought up drunk people and we've been shitting on women. So I feel like I got to throw a guy out there because this guy worse than any of these women were mentioning dick of fame. This guy's a piece of shit. We go to the game and you know, it's Louis and I.

So we got the tickets, which was fun because I didn't, I wanted to go to the game. I was going to go to the game anyways. I was opening for him. We did Royal Oak. Then I did a one nighter in Cleveland. Then I hope for him in Cleveland. Then he has Saturday off and then goes to Chicago for Sunday. I'm going home.

Yeah. But I saw that game when we planned the thing and I went, I'm going to that game. No question about it. So I messaged him. I go, Hey, the big 10 championship Saturday. It's Indianapolis. He doesn't know anything about college. I go, it's a big game.

Don't worry about it. It'll be fun. Do you want to go? I'm going either way. So no pressure. And he goes, sure, that sounds better than anything I'm going to do. You got that right. So I go, great.

He tells his assistant, go get some tickets. Now she got jumps in the tickets. They buy the crazy goofy $9,000 tickets. Oh boy. Well, that's good for you. Right. It's good for me, but I'm a control freak. I know sport.

This is what I do. All I do is go to stub hub. You know me. I buy seven sets of tickets. I'm looking at this seat. That seat. This will be good. This will be that interest is here.

This is too high. That's low. This is the corner. I put a lot of thought into seats. Okay. And I go to so many sporting events. It's obnoxious. I really know what I'm doing here.

You're a seat geek. I'm a seat geek. So she goes on there and just buys the ticket. She probably just goes, let me get these are the most expensive. Grab those. It says best seat. So she gets them. What?

With football and hockey, close becomes bad. You get too close because you're low. You got a low angle. You can't see. You're at the high level. Plus you're near the benches and you're looking over the 75 guys on the sidelines with big giant helmets and huge dicks. Little Brad Williams action.

I got to look by them and this is a national game. So there's the moving camera. I hate a moving cam. So when they're right in front of you, you see two guys going, they park literally right in front of you. Right. Because you got the best spot. Yes.

I got the camera angle. So we get tickets on the 45 yard line. Six rows back. So on paper, you're like six rows back midfield. Holy shit. I'm jizzing on my asshole. Yeah. But I'm like, hmm, sixth row, you kind of want 15, 20, maybe even like a second level

because you really get the birds eye. And with football, you can see those, those routes being run. You really get the, the defensive coordinator doesn't sit in the sixth row. Man, you got to be a seat geek to hear six row and go, I don't know about this one, Faddy. Well it's hockey, hockey too. Hockey's like the big one. People say like, oh, I got front row. And you're like, well, good luck because you can't see 40% of the ice.

Yikes. No ice. It's down here. You're just, you just lose it. You're like, all right, hopefully something's happening. At the border, you can only see 10% of the ice. It's all angles. So anyways, I'm like, I'm such a cunt because I'm getting a free ticket.

It's like a $9,000 free ticket. And I'm like, six row. Also, I got to ask, when you say seats, because I went to the college game in Wisconsin, I was going to kill myself. I was sitting on a block of plywood and a, and a no back and I had a dildo in my ass. Well, this is a big game. This is the championship. It's neutral sites at Lucas oil stadium, which is like three months old.

I mean, it's not that old. It's, it's got to be 15, 10 years old because I went there drunk one time. I see. It's over nine years old. Okay. It's new. But these, and also we're on the 50 yard line, six rows back. So these are like cushy seats.

Yes. This is that soft jizz. I hear you. So we get the seats. She gets the seats. I go, great kick ass. Going to be there. Check everything.

All right. All of a sudden Chuck's moving around. All right. Great. That's great. And he gets laid. I don't get it. Yeah, I guess.

Not physically. Facing one of them. All right. So, so we get, we go into the game. Now I'm all excited. We're going to fly. So like three weeks ago, I hate this whole story is just I'm smart, but he goes, well, what do we do?

We fly over there. We should fly there. I go from Cleveland to Indianapolis. Ah, how's the drive? Five hours. Yeah. You got to fly. So he's like, he wants to fly.

But I go, what if we leave after the show Friday, go halfway, get a nice hotel, wake up that way. We're halfway there. Break up the ride because you don't want to drive five hours and go to a four hour football game. I hear you. Who wants to fly? And sure.

Direct, no direct flights from Cleveland, Indianapolis. What? No, you can't fly from Cleveland, Indianapolis. It's an eight minute flight. You got to go to Detroit or Chicago because these hubs, you got to find a hub. I'm with you on the sleep now. So there's no hub. So the night before we're walking around Cleveland, and I go, boy, I, I hate that we're

going to the airport tomorrow. I want to fly. I hate the security. You know all the things. He didn't, he didn't go for the, uh, middle, middle snooze, wake up, didn't go for it. What? Now here we are three, three weeks later, night before football Eve, I go, it sucks to go to the airport tomorrow.

And he's like, I know, I hate the airport. And I go, and it's two flights, you know, and he's like, two flights. Oh shit. We got to wake up, have two flights. He goes, I don't want to do that. And I go, why don't we leave tonight in a car, drive to Columbus. It's two hours south of Cleveland and it's on the right of Indy. Uh-huh.

And Columbus is not a bad town. Great town. And there's nice hotels. Better than Cleveland. That's the way he grabs his assistant and goes, Hey, why don't we do this? He's like, that's a good idea. And I'm like, I had it twice. I had it two weeks ago.

And he, what'd he say? He said, I had no dice. Hey, I didn't feel like it. But then once you get there, you're like, let's just drive plus after show you jacked up. You jacked up and it drives fun. You put on a little Zeppelin and cruise. Exactly.

When you got to go somewhere the next day, it's always good to get half the ride out because after a show you're like, what are we going to do? We're going to go back and watch fucking the best of Lily Tomlin on an infomercial. Wow. She's got that. I don't know. I just made it up. I don't know where she popped it.

I'm just going to say I'd like to get it. All right. Good. You got to let it pop. You got to let it pop. Don't filter. No filter. Like Instagram.

Because I've seen the dick pic and you always put that mosaic on there. Oh, right. So anyways, finally we decide, great, we're renting a car. We get the car. We drive to the gig. John Fish is on the show. I love fish. And his flight gets fucked up.

So he's got to, he's got to leave for Pittsburgh. So we both take cars, oh, fish and I drove together. Then after, after the gig, fish leaves in his car to go to Pittsburgh. Fish leaves in our car to go to Columbus. We're jacked up. We're listening to music. We're bullshit and having a great time. Yeah.

And it brings you back to the old days. We never have comedy car rides anymore. Car rides are the best. You do a line. You yuck it up. You make fun of people. It's great. In the old days, the comics were always in a car.

Always in a car. Always talking shit. You bonded in a car. You go, I don't really know Terry that well. Three hours in, you're blowing them. Nothing bonds in a car. I mean, that's how we got together. You got that right.

That car ride to Boston. That's true. Yes. We talked about Seinfeld, atheism, the Jews. Yeah, it was kind of a little dicey, but it was fun because you're like, I know, you think that? I think that. Oh my God.

That's crazy. It was a simpler time. And then you bust out like a deep Seinfeld reference. That's how you, that's the weight of my heart. Every once in a while, somebody will message me and be like, July 3rd, I'm like, oh my gosh. You got that right. Put it in my ass.

Or whatever it is. So we bonded then. I remember that was, you're on the phone with your girlfriend. You're like, we got a big patch of ice. I got to get off the phone. And I remember like, what? Yeah. The first slides I've ever heard in my life.

Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't get off the phone with her. Yeah. It was tough. And then you're like, we take turns driving. I'm like, that's ridiculous. You were like, there's four of us.

We're each taking a turn. I'm like, it's 200 miles. I went up to each drive one hour and then you're like, whoa, I got a big patch of ice ahead of me. Yeah. We're doing 70. It would be here before you know it. Right.

Right. Well, I was scraped with a barrel of excuses because I did a lot of these like, all right. That'll do it. Yeah. Got it. Duly noted. Copy that. This guy's crazy.

I was out of lies. I was like, hey, my safety's in jeopardy here. He's fatty. I got to go. You pig. It was like two hilarious lies. I went taking turns driving and there's a big patch of ice. Yeah.

Yeah. Good stuff. She hated me. Oh boy. I think she hated me too, but actually. She thought you hated her. Is that right? Yeah.

You get to this a lot with ladies. Oh, I liked her. Remember when we went to Coney Island? That was a good time. Oh yeah. Yeah. The whole time she's like, oh, she pulled me to the side of the bathroom. What do I do when I do wrong?

Did I make fun of his dick? My dad was gay. What's he mad about? Well, I like both those things. We had rum and coax and big gulps. We rode the bumper cars. We were on bumper cars together. You got that right.

We rode the coax. Yeah. I can't believe we fit. That was fun. Those camps. Oh yeah. Look how long these legs are. Jesus.

Anyways, that was fun. So we get in the car. We're driving. We're having a bunch of laughs. We get to the hotel. The next morning we get up. We go to the ball game, get to Indianapolis and I love the pageantry of college football. You got a page.

Particularly, I just blew a snot on the microphone. I'll take it. But particularly a neutral site game. Neutral site. Because we're not in, it's Iowa versus Michigan. We're not in Ann Arbor. We're not in Iowa City. We're in Indian.

So what you have, you've got tons of people from both schools coming. It's like a war. And everyone's got their colors on. And I was doing a fun gag. Every time we'd walk by Iowa's people, I'd go, go hawks. And they'd be like, hawks. And I'd walk by Michigan. I'd go, go blue.

And they'd go, yeah. Yeah, I did that with politics. It was a fun rile. And I was getting everybody going. Yeah, come on. Just bumping the whole thing. Very exciting. So we did that.

We walk around Indy. And it's really fun. We're shitting on the homeless people. We're making fun of the bros. There's bros everywhere. Then we go to this steakhouse called. Bromeless. St. Elmo's, which is like a famous steakhouse there.

I've heard. Yeah. It's a 1902 steakhouse. Good movie. So we wanted to make a reservation. I got a lot of story here. There's gonna be a lot. I'm sorry.

All right. Bring it on. St. Elmo. We walk up to St. Elmo's. Fire. And we go, maybe we'll make a reservation. I'm telling him, like, you don't understand college football. We're not getting a reservation.

Town's packed. Because that's the college football. That's part of it. You don't get a steak. You have a whiskey. Oh, is that right? You have a cigar. It's part of the thing.

It's man night. It's manly. It's the old tradition. Yes. You hear that, Elliot Page? So we go upstairs. He's a man. He's a man.

So we'll cut this. All right. So we can't do it. I gotta go. She's a listener. He. Fuck. See?

It's not easy. Damn it. Juno. He's got a 12 pack, too, by the way. He's a real hot, hot piece of ace, this little boy. No kidding. Oh, yeah. I'll take a look.

I'll take a look. Well, anyone can get fucked now. Chuck's got knee-deep and pussy. I know. And he's trans. Yeah. All right. Continue.

It's too heavy. It's hot, heavy. So we, where are we? Oh, we're going to St. Elmo's. Yes, Elmo's Fire. So you're going to hate this guy. I got a lot of guys. Oh, good.

I love people I hate. So they got a little, the fucking, what's this thing right here? No, outside this thing with the, that you open it. The red velvet rope. A red velvet rope. And they got this. $10,000 pyramid, I'm telling you. They got a pimple standing in front of it.

A pimple? He's got no pimple. Oh, pimple. Oh, I thought they got to hire a pimple. I thought it was the work. No. So he's one of these guys with his pants and jacket or different colors. Like he's dressed nice, but he's got like tan pants, blue jacket or whatever.

I hate that two tone suit horseshit. Yeah. Two tone. It sticks. Tommy, two tone. You get one tone. I'm sorry. Yeah.

Or three. Can't go two. Tone low. So he's there and he's got this hair where it's like combed, slick, but then curls. Oh, the copes like curl. CSC. Oh, yeah. It's horrendous.

Oh, yeah. It's like fine-tuned comb back here and it's a pile of curls in the back. Yeah, I've seen that. It's a bad look. Oh, it's disgusting. Now, was he thinning? No, thin. Full thin.

Full thin. Full swooping curl. Because a lot of guys will thin, but they want to hold on to what they got. Right. So they curl it in the back, but this guy just in need of a shape-up. Oh, he sucked. And he was like hipster-y and like tall, queef. He was just a queef of a man.

Queef man. And so we walk up and he goes, he's stepping in front of people. It's like they told him like, hey, you stand out here or whatever. And he really is like, okay, I'll do it. Right. So he's like, whoop, whoop, whoop. Like this. He's that guy.

Like I was here first. No, he works there. Oh, he's a host. He's the host guy. And so he, I hate these jeans. What's that pants we like, the ad that we have? Public rec. Yeah, I forgot my public recs.

We're recommending public rec. Pants are up my ballsack. Oh, yeah. So you ever read any ballsack? No, but it's a great name. It's such a fun name. Maybe we should read them. Let's try them out.

That would be a good queef. We read ballsack and try to decipher it. I'm telling you, you can't follow that name though. It's like a movie title where you go, holy shit. And you see the movie. You're like, that sucked. But there's like busts of them in France. Really?

Oh, I've seen busts. I don't have to say bust a ballsack. It's a ballsack bust. I'm telling you. All right. I've seen a ballsack bust in Paris. And we'll read. We'll both read a chapter.

And then we'll try to tell the other one what it's about. Because it's going to be a tough, tough sledding. What's that with ball state? That's where Dave Letterman went. Whoa. It's all coming around. Yes. We drove by ball state.

All right. It's a good insurance. Yeah. We are ball state. So we walk up to the queef. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then we immediately hate the guy, of course. And Louie's like, hey, we're going to see about making a reservation.

He goes, well, maybe if you want to have dinner at nine o'clock, because it's a busy night. And I knew it was going to be busy, but I hated the attitude. Hated the tune. So he's like, if you want to have dinner at nine, we're too busy for a year, you fuck. And so we go, ah, that's all right. We'll go check it out. Well, the problem with that is the joy.

They enjoy that. It's like, wait, OK, my night's ruined. We're having a bad night. We need something to happen. It's not happening. And you get off on it. That's what's weird. Oh, he's a stinker.

He's a real zilch this guy. So we go, well, we're going to go check it out. And he goes, you check it out if you want, but it ain't going to happen. Oh, this guy's a ball sack. So then we walk in. It's about two o'clock PM. We want to make a reservation for five, six. Oh, this is already pretty responsible.

I thought you just walked up at, you know, five. We're going to make a res. So we walk in and now we go, hey, what's the deal with tables? She goes, well, we're booked until nine, unless you want to eat right now. So both of us look at each other out of spite. We're like, let's go eat steak. Yes. We went and forced fed ourselves to steak at two o'clock in the afternoon.

Because we hated this goddamn queef. Yes. He's a queef of a man. And so we had just eaten. What'd you say? Spite steak. Yes, exactly. A spike steak.

So we went, I mean, we're both like, well, I'm full. We had eaten fucking Burger King like a half hour earlier. And we go, well, whatever. I'm not walking back past that guy and have him do a told you so. No, no, but I hope you showed him. Hey, Dick, let's look at that big old T-bone. Ah. Well, so we go, give us two right now.

Yep. We go back there and it's this beautiful old steak. It's like a bar. I'd like to drink it like a man. I wanted a whiskey and a cigar and a woman. Silent relapse. So we go in there and it's a nice big place. And I'm sure someone's going to get mad at me, but this place stinks.

What's that? Stinks out loud. I thought it was nice. Saying out nice place. Oh, bad grub. We go in there. It's, first of all, it's freezing. And we're not like old men or anything.

It's like a vent just freezing cold air. And then you're going to hate this too. Hate a drafty rest. The waiter was nice. Good guy. Good waiter. He's got the suit. I mean, this is a first class place, supposedly.

White jacket. Black jacket. Oh, man. Not my fave. Not to be confused with a flak jacket. I like a white. So he comes up and he does this. This infuriates me.

I mean, this is like a fucking curvy enthusiasm episode. He goes, hey, we do our steaks a little rarer here. Ah, what is that? So medium is medium rare. And rare is whatever conglomerate of words. It's like venti and grande. Just give me a medium. That's what I said.

It was like a lane at the movie theater going, there is no small. The smallest medium, medium is large. Well, what's the smallest one? That's kids. Do adults ever order kids? Not usually. Yes. That's what it felt like.

That's right. So it's time to order the temperature. And I go, all right, well, I like medium rare. So should I get medium? He's like, you should get medium rare plus. Oh, man. It's a streaming service. This is a curb.

It's crazy. A curb plus. And so Louis is like, well, I want my medium. Yeah. And he's like, well, mediums light or mediums heavy or whatever. He's trying to describe them like, why don't you just catch up and adjust? Yes. Adjust to every other fucking steakhouse ever.

I'm going to have the Amazon prime rib. All right. That was going all off your TV thing. Ah, I got you. All right. So I go, yeah, I guess whatever. So just tell me, give me what regular medium rare is at a regular restaurant. Yes.

You know what medium rare at every other restaurant ever established? I want that. Whatever you guys call it. And they must have this conversation 20,000 times a day. It's like, we could fix this. We could rectify the situation if you just got your shit together. It's kind of like when people go, actually I'm polyamorous, twist tie, dick cheese, lesbian, paramorphic.

And you're like, wait, what? They're like, they just got to be different. They got to have one over on you. It's a whole thing. I couldn't stop laughing because Lou is getting pissed. The more pissed he's getting, the more I'm laughing. Sure. And meanwhile, he's paying for the $800 meal.

I'm just on a free ride. So I'm just howling, laughing at the whole thing. But the queef of a man, they know what they got. They know it's St. Elmo's. Oh, he had to have the big salad. So they know that I can have the slick with the curls. I can be a queef of a man and I can have a medium rare plus diner. The whole thing was a mess.

And so then I'm hearing that waiter give the same spiel to all the people. Every time I hear it, I'm just dying. I could not stop laughing because he's like, just a heads up our medium. Everyone's going, so a medium is what? He's like a medium. I'm like, it's mind blowing that you guys have been doing this for 117 years or 120 years, whatever it is. Well ours is a little different.

Oh, so what does it mean? How does it, how does it differ? I'm like, you guys suck. Yeah. Anyways, then his steak comes. It's like bleeding red. And he's like, this is the wrong thing. I want to cook for more.

Then it comes back. It's a charred brick. Oh, they're losing business now because they got to send back now tables aren't opening up. Ironically, it's not lunch. It was bad lunch, but we got to a real fuck you the guy. Oh, then I'm leaving. Yes.

Slip curl guy. Curls. He's standing there still, still blocking people. And I go, pardon me. He goes, whoa, scared the shit out of me. That's my move. I go, what profession are you? Yes.

You're working at a restaurant, like a high class restaurant. You're just yelling shit. Wow. You scared the shit out of me. He's like, you got right in my ear. What is this? The South Side of Chicago? He works in Indianapolis.

I was like, gun your ear. You're standing in the fuck. I can't get out. I said, pardon me. Whoa. Easy big fella. It was insane. We hated this man so much.

Slip curls. And when Louis gets mad, there's nobody funnier ever. Oh, really? He's not being funny. He's just, he's not saying funny things. He's just livid. And I just, I was fucking howling. So we lost about 400 bucks in the thing.

We were both hungry. We went and got hot dogs at the stadium. Jesus Christ. Well, it's principle. Good. Slip curls can eat a dick. And medium rare plus minus, fuck you. So I never even got to the douche bag at the game.

That was another douche. I started this douche and went on to another douche. All of dick. I mean, I start to think, maybe I'm the common denominator, but I think America just sucks. That's a little of both. Well, so far you haven't contended with any of these people. No, I'm with you so far.

I mean, a woman that starts a performance by going, oh, yuck. It's not even reusable. She sucks. That's not me, right? Hope she does. She's the worst. Okay, that's not me. Then I got a guy who combs his hair back to a curl.

Wow. I mean, that doesn't mean you're a bad guy. All right, but he's still, he's standing in front. He's taking joy in the not letting us in. Yes. Don't like the joy take. So. Where's the joy?

And he's saying shit in a professional environment, when he says I scared him, when he's standing. He's standing in the hallway. No, I'm with you there, sloppy, sloppy. So he does suck, right? He stinks. And this is only three sucks out of a whole of America. And the temperature system is bullshit, right?

What do you mean? The fucking are medium, medium rare. And then medium rare is medium hot. It's horseshit. It's all, it's medium horseshit. That stinks. Everyone thinks that stinks. I'm sorry.

It's no good. So this guy. Oh, Jesus. God, you scared me there. Shit. So then we go to the ball game. And the game, the pageantry is just off the charts. Off the charts.

The band, the marching band, the cheerleaders, they're doing flips. I love it. Dual color. And that corner is going crazy. This corner is going crazy. And every time they start a chant, they start a chant. Yes.

And we're surrounded by Michigan. So we just adopt. Yeah, we're Michigan fans. What the fuck? Why the hell not? So we're screaming. We're yelling the whole thing. But then there's these guys behind us.

I hated this man. Big, fat, bloated, bright red. Not unlike Chuck. He's all gross. No, I'm kidding. That one, you didn't get a laugh. So I feel bad. I'm only kidding.

This is a big, fat piece of shit. Red face fucking douchebag. Oh, yeah. Glasses and beard like yours, though. Ah, shit. Yeah, it's a bad look. Yeah, that's right. I'm kidding.

Anyways, he was a big douche and he's doing the, let's go Brandon chant. Let's go, let's go Brandon. Oh, he's that guy. He's like, let's get it going. And can I just say, there's so much, I hate both sides, but all this stuff, liberals got to make everything political. And I'm like, we're at a football game.

Everyone's having fun. Right. You're trying to start a political chant here. Ah, I see. You're the asshole. You're making it political. Right. You're thinking about any of this.

Nobody's talking. He's like, let's do it. And I can hear him because he's like, you guys are going to chant too. I don't want to look like an idiot. Right. We're going to try to get it going. He thinks the stadium is going to do a let's go Brandon chant. Yeah.

And so him and his three buddies do it like four times. By the way, it's like second down and five. It's not like in between anything. Yes, yes. The game's happening. And he's like, let's take a time out and do a let's go Brandon. Right. How about we enjoy the game?

We're here. We're in it. I know he's decked out in the gear. He's in a Mohawk or whatever. Bad. Bad Chuck. So he stinks. Then he starts doing this.

The Iowa quarterback's number seven. So he goes number seven as Lady Hips. That's fun. Okay. Great. Funny line. Sure. Whatever the fight.

I mean, it stinks to begin with. Yeah. So does he. He does this for four full quarters. Wow. Every time they're on the field. Lady Hips. Here comes Lady Hips.

You get a two of a maybe. Two max. And I want to go again with the Lady Hips. HBO Max. Write some material. We got two comics here. Yes. You're a piece of shit.

Just Lady Hips. It's hilarious. He's thinking of these zero zilch lines behind one of the great comics of all time. It's hilarious. He has no idea he's dropping bad material in front of the comedy God. I mean, you could have said two great comics. Well, I'm talking about legends. You're on my couch.

I'm working on it. All right. We're getting there. You got a special coming out. Yeah. Well, a few months. Yeah. Shooting tomorrow.

Shooting tomorrow. I'm not going to release this thing till August of 2025. How is that? You're going to pull a Mackie. I mean, I got to have some material. I got the shows. Well, what are you going with? 45?

It's about 50. Ooh. That's a lot of you giving away a lot there, sloppy. You switched sides with the argument here. Well, I just thought you were doing a half hour special a while back. I don't know what I'm doing. Who knows? All right.

All right. It's all right. Brought it up. Game was great. The guy sucked. Just Lady Hips. Lady Hips. He's one of these guys.

Oh, because we were so close. He's yelling to the coach, hey, Jim, Jim, sub out nine for 12. He kept yelling that because he got two quarterbacks. Man. Nine for 12. And you want to go, they're winning. Yes. You don't know what you're talking about.

Right. You know, the change the quarterback, guys, the worst guy in all of sports. Yeah. Take out Brady. He's having it off. Shut up. Right. Shut up.

You know what's good to do with those guys? And this is a little bit of joy in this is when they're doing that and you can tell they're dying for you to look back and be like, and just give them nothing. Just stone them. It was fun. It was fun. You just want to go, we got it. Lady Hips.

Yeah. He's got Lady Hips. Got it. Oh, you don't like the joke? No, I just said it 48 times. It was funny once. Exactly. Funny once, obviously, but we got to wrap up.

I'm looking at the clock here. We're way over time. Did he have a pal? He had a few pals. Four pals. They weren't as bad as him. You start to wonder, what are they thinking? Do they go home and go fucking Reggie, huh?

I think they would just stuck with him from high school. It was one of those guys. I guess with Chuck. Yeah. I hear you. Yeah, it was one of those deals. But anyways. All right.

I've talked too much. We've got more to be continued. Well, we've got more pods to do. We've got a lot of Hips coming out in the future. We've got Chuck here. We've got a lot of stuff cooking. You've got a special in the works. Netflix coming out in December 29th.

And yeah, we'll be on the road. Where are you going to be? I've got a bunch of stuff coming up. January 15th, Vancouver. I don't know the venue. I'll figure it out, but you can figure it out. January 16th laughs in Seattle. That's a one night only.

I should have brought my book. Oh, I have a book. It's over there. I'm in Dallas at the end of January 22nd, 23rd, something like that. And Boston Laugh Boston. That's Patriots Day weekend. That's not till April, but that'll be something. Hell yeah.

And back at side splitters in March in Tampa. So side splitters Laugh Boston in April laughs in Seattle. January 16th and Vancouver, January 15th. Subscribe to my YouTube. The special will be on there. I need those subscribers. I put up a best of the, you know what dude? Oh, I watched it.

Oh, thanks. That was big. So many great lines. Please subscribe. Go watch that. Watch that stuff. Hell yeah. Tits on my mother.

All right. All right. All right. Toronto coming up. Charlotte this weekend. Atlanta might be a couple of tickets left. Milwaukee for New Years. That's going to be tough.

Kansas City. Sacramento coming up. The punchline. Syracuse. And check it out to lunch on YouTube. Oh, I'm forgetting a big one here. I'm doing side splitters in March. So we got a lot of stuff coming up.

MarketNormanComedy.com. Telefriend. Cleave it up. Praise Allah. Comedy. No one wants to be themselves. Oh, and the heavens where legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die.

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