Tuesdays with Stories! - #431 Pretty Boney

Episode Date: December 14, 2021

Mazel Tov Tuesgays, this week's ep is chock full of topics like why we need to put saddles on horses, which one of us has the bonier ass, meeting a bad pause guy, how much we pee, and more! Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays), & Better Help (betterhelp.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

post the Fox Tuesdays with stories brought to you by Blue Chew you know why the some on the only kids in Santa Claus I get it I'm dumb she was only kissin' em' because they couldn't bang is he couldn't get it up that candy cane was a little flimsy I get it I assume if you're kissing you're moving on to banging but what the hell do I know I everybody you gotta get blue chew I love it keep it right in the pocket you never know we all get in our head sometimes a dick it said tough to get hard every now and then you know sometimes you're having a bad day you think about too much crap the blue get on the blue chew get more confidence in the bedroom blue chew is an online prescription service that means no doctor's office

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we love sheath she loves us that's all I wear it's not just for men Robert Patton during a second tour in Iraq support this veteran owned company who's listener is a who's founder is a Tuesday himself and a big comedy fan how you doing Robbie go to sheath underwear dot com and order with promo code Tuesday's to get 20% off your first order and sheath underwear is 100% money back guarantee that sheath underwear dot com promo code Tuesday's get sheath underwear and let them support your balls yeehaw Hey Mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great

good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock

who's there Mark Norman and Joe List Tuesdays with stories everybody nah that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me hey folks welcome to another Tuesdays with stories I am Joe the Jewy Jubileier

eating List and I'm Mark the anti-semitic troll huh alright I feel like I should change clothes we wore this last week nah that's fine I think it's alright yeah that'll be funny we'll talk about it yeah there we go

nah alright I'm back here we go I like to let the curtain let them in on the curtain you got a bad curtain what your foot's on the curtain I love a meat curtain

do you well I don't mind it I don't like it yeah jeez let's get this text so depressed I feel like it's ah jeez a little lady no different person

oh okay yeah that's a tough text you're like ah jeez now you're putting it on me well I say when you tell somebody else you only have half the problem because you're giving half to them yee that's a little rude though isn't it

now you're giving it to them it's like herpes well we're here for each other you gotta be there for each other I get there but let's have some boundaries you can't just send me a grenade in the middle of the evening yeah it's a good point

but I'm not trying to be helpful I'll see what I can do but nah I get it I get it but I was just depressed I didn't text you you could text me not just depressed I could be like hey how about that Seinfeld

yeah send me an appetizer I'll go oh what's this ah mashed potatoes and then boom you open up the chicken goulash and it's full of sadness because some friends do they just

like an RPG from across town yeah yes and then they only call you when they have an RPG how about every every now and then you call me when you got a a balloon an HPV

yeah give me a couple a couple balloons an STD and then hit me with the FBI yeah yeah alright

but no I'm with you that's a bit of a hand grenade she lobbed at you or he ah the gargle oh you got to love a gargle do you have a gargle at night

oh I have a gargler really yeah I like to gargle well listerine I take the listerine I switch it around then I gargle it and then I spit it into my sister's asshole

but wait a minute what about the rea that seems to be bad for the rea I don't know I haven't gotten a ruling on that but I think the rea is only bad when it goes down because you can't like

reflux if you didn't flux oh it's flux it's reflux eon flux yeah flux capacitor interesting so the rea comes from here

I think so I think it goes down it comes up I don't know anything about the rea anymore I think you might have to it's like a not a goiter a geyser

yes or a personer the name guy doesn't that suck oh hey guy I knew a guy wait oh yeah it sucks

it's like a woman being named broad lady yeah but lady is like a nice name is it lady bird lady lady johnson

and this lady lady bird alright wait lady johnson who's that lady bird johnson it's three names her name is lady

her middle name is bird and then her last name is johnson that's no good or I think her maiden name is bird those are three things women bird dick

and then there's also almost famous the lady's girl's name is lady Penny Lane reveals that her name is lady oh that's a big shock lady antebellum too yeah well that's a lady a band

but guy stinks guys no good my name is guy hi I'm guy do you know a guy it's like dude

right this guy bannister guy bannister yeah he's a guy from JFK the film then there's guy bannum yeah yeah

and then there's guy Greer who I grew up with guy LaFleur but I think that's Guy Guy LaFleur he's a gun guy yeah I think Guy

in France in England or whatever it's Guy but here it's Guy Guy is what you're wearing karate yeah but this is Guy is a name and it's a wacky one

yeah it's not a good name it's like when you go to a shopping mall and it's called shopping or you know like you go to an Asian place and it's called like China food

and you're like man who named this shit huh right China men is even lazy this is my son dude and my daughter chick tits

yeah chick I know a guy named chick chickhurran Bob and Tom well there's that guy that's

what's his name it's chick what's his last name but I know that guy chickhurran chickpea chickhurran was the Lakers broadcaster

whoa chickhurran came up with slam dunk and you get a buck for that he should have patented that shit well he gets bucks for doing the game but he doesn't get additional bucks for slam dunk but you know like

Trump tried to coin your fired or whatever he tried to patented right it just seems like if you got a you got a good that word is used every 12 seconds well I think Michael Buffer owns

let's get rid of rumble and I think Bruce has to like pay him a couple bucks whoa yeah Chuck is saying yes well he knows about the buffet but I think

Chuck might quit yeah he's out it's not going great but we like you yeah he knows it's a shell but he would have uh officiated

what do you call it auto auto affixiation thank you auto erotic it's a good car erotic erotic

kind of love Madonna she looks real now she has a fake butt but boy does she oh you haven't seen it pull it up Chuck pull up fake Madonna

butt you gotta see this thing I can't wait to see this lady oh my god it looks like uh those red balls outside of Target oh I love those balls

Chuck see Chuck is reacting I wish this was on camera I mean Chuck shitting his jizz right now I think Madonna is underrated hot oh yeah I think she's the hottest of all

time the sexy fault I get shit for it I'm waiting to see these buns what the hell is she thinking look at that that is bet you can see it from the front it's wild

yeah this is even a picture of the buns but look she still looks great I open for her she looks a little funky alright I actually went after her on the show oh weird

yeah she uh I open for Schumer at the garden and Madonna was there and she's like I want to go on and uh you gotta say yeah to you know fake

butt Madonna and they threw her on yeah I I had that happen at the cellar with uh same thing Schumer brought Madonna and she walked right by

on the steps like this and it was I took a big whiff oh yeah a little Madonna sniff yeah is that like probably smelled some uh

Dennis Rodman or A-Rod oh yeah carbon Electra carbon Electra that's right oh she was something in the 90s huh yeah she wasn't bad

half Native American is that right got a little Choctaw just a good half Choctaw yeah uh but yeah Madonna still looks great

super sexy I don't like the rump I love that like a virgin when she's scooting across the floor forget about it and the sex book that whole tour

oh man the leather oh forget about it and the music is great yeah it's poppy it's fun it's light she's good

hey Chuck when you leave I wonder if you can get me a glass of water I need the water because the flux ah is that part of your thing because I can't get up and leave

this thing will fall to pieces can you wash my clothes alright well it's cramming an episode I'll go get water I'll just go get the water get the water you made a face

you're getting late I'll get water I can tell I don't like it I drink my water you don't drink that much water maybe I'll take some of your water I was gonna offer

but I didn't think he'd want to drink it I didn't see any offer coming there we go because my throat gets all what do you mean what do you mean I gave you extra got fluxy

what do you mean extra I gave you more than half oh I see well I appreciate it yeah yeah 40% hmm

oh I was thinking of the ad sorry I'm all over the road we're recording two episodes I just like to pull the curtain down this is back to back episodes in one sitting I don't know what's going on by the way

I'm starving I can feel my stomach sucking against my spine I can eat I'm like you know what I've had today a bagel and then I had a cinnamon roll

and I just haven't eaten I've been running around like a fucking asshole with his head tits off you're all bread I'm on no bread I know bagel

and cinnamon roll you love the no bread you're all about the no bread I just feel bad when I eat it I love bread I shove it right in my ass it's delightful what do you put on the bag

peanut butter all peanut butter organic I mean I slot you should see I take the knife out and it's like dripping and drooling

I do the same it's just a mess all in there I shove it right in there you ever go jelly ah occasionally I'll do peanut butter and jelly I don't do jelly on a bagel you don't put jelly on a bagel

why not you put jelly on a bag you can I don't I see well I do oatmeal every morning I love oatmeal

I love oatmeal too and I put a big steaming pile of PB in there and then I top it off a little blue boo blueberries yes yes that's all good

that's all nice I bet you take a big old shit the size of my sister's leg I'm talking I shit out of fire hydrogen but I just I watch my YouTubes all day long hey how was the

the Mohicans built and who made the pyramids and all this poor shit but I watched one it says I hope you don't eat oatmeal every day get out of here that was the caption

get out of here so of course I gotta click on it cause I had a scoop in my ass right at the moment they want you to click they got the click out of me and it said your glucose spikes

your mom's dead your dad's dead no it lowers cholesterol it's good it's good really he was a doctor he had a coat

everyone's a doctor you put out a coat oh I'm Dr. Bob Dr. Steve I'm Dr. Joe Cosby's a doctor get the hell out of here with the doctor

oh feels good I hate all this new that food's bad blueberries are bad a banana's bad oatmeal's bad get up and get out of here

I love when they go eat all my sugars in an apple you're like ah don't even tell me I can't handle it it doesn't matter no one's dying from apples

I'm sorry I thought it was an apple a day I know oh that's a misnomer blah blah blah what can I eat I gotta eat a leaf only exclusively a leaf

leaf and dirt that's it maybe a pussy I don't care I hate these food people whoa whoa whoa what are you eating the crust

I wouldn't touch that I will say the food chart or food groups or the pyramid whatever it is the sphinx it's gone off the rail

it's wrong I know about the wrong it's backwards it's upside down I know all about the charts I'm just saying we have learned a lot trying to be flipped

but here's the thing it's like what's what's it all worth I'm eating a pizza what do I get I get to live an extra six hours

if I don't have a pizza maybe six months alright six months well it's 88 to 89 and a half so I don't give a fuck I want my pizza alright alright you're living now

you're in the moment I like a pizza I'm here for a long time not a good time or whatever the reverse of that where's patrice where's Ralphie Mae

I'm just saying well that's the thing if you're talking to a patrice a Ralphie Mae whatever other massive person yeah I get it

but they know also Lizzo it's like Jackson Brown's wrote don't confront me with my failures I had not forgotten them ooh I'm aware

we're very aware now I I'm not in any danger look at I'm a fucking beanpole over here yeah you're doing alright I'm sure my heart is probably gonna stop

cause I eat a I ate burger but you do better a little pieces I just those people they're the same as the guy we talked about last week

who's like slick curls we got no reservations these people that just want to go hey whoa what are you eating butter get out of here

Jay Lennon ate fast food every day he's 85 he's still driving around in cars yeah Warren Buffett eats a McMuffin every day with a coke

yes a fucking regular American Coca Cola here's my thing if somebody asks you tell them I'm drinking coke

is that bad you go dad rots your teeth it makes your asshole fall out or whatever but the people that just walk up to someone enjoying a coke they love it

they love it but again we've learned I mean we thought smoking was good you know so you learn you live you learn but it's moderation

it's uh it's all relative right you gotta keep it realistic but just like the thing you said about the slick curl the guy who likes to get all he gets off on jizzing on your tits

that guy oh shit I lost my train I had a train oh I got it back what's the Jackson Brown song these days you want the line yeah

don't confront me with my failures I have not forgotten them yes so you know the hog got stolen and I rode it around all night locked it up every night locked it up every show last show I didn't lock it up

I get this one I got this eight hundred times did you lock it up no you gotta lock it up oh shit I gotta lock it up the fucking thing's gone they stole it

they're raping it in a tree right now I know I gotta lock it up that's part of it is we're public figures people have access to you you get a million messages it drives me crazy

I had the same thing my luggage stolen out of the trunk you gotta bring the luggage inside oh no way that's what I should have done you think I've learned that you try to say

I should have brought my luggage into the cheesecake factory you said leave it in the trunk there's been a crime wave in San Francisco you didn't know about the crime wave I don't know about the crime wave right right

you think I knew about the crime wave would I have no clothes if I fucking knew about the crime wave yeah I wonder where that stops because you don't do it to crazy events like a hog stolen

luggage stolen they'll do it but if you go yeah you know my mom was killed in the Sudan well you don't go to the Sudan like where does it end it doesn't keep going

yeah you don't fly Boston to LA on September 11th I'll tell you that right now exactly yeah you don't live in New Orleans in 2005 yeah that's that's no good right

right but you'll do it further for a stolen item I guess alright Chuck just quit he's leaving alright it's about time boy are we gonna do a number on him

while he's gone he'll see the tape oh yeah forget about the tape yeah I never know what the cat anymore I'm like we got the cat sitting right behind camera lounging and maxing and relaxing

do they want him in or do they not want him in overwhelming like the cat okay but if you don't I don't know alright you talk I'm gonna just get him in the shot

you're just gonna throw him in yeah that's how we do it here he's in Sydney's land I don't think we have to bring him in I think if he comes by you have the cat in this is insane Mark is pulling the cat

is like in a slumber Mark's throwing hot water on its face and waking him up he doesn't want to go he's turning he's fighting this is terrible

this is cat abuse and I'll get the shit for it that's what'll happen they're gonna go hey what the fuck Joe you hate cats meanwhile the thing was sleeping peacefully

and you just shot it up here well wait till PETA calls we're in deep doo doo I'll tell you that I can't see PETA PETA pan now it sees my water it's gonna come from my water

aha alright we got him in he'll walk out in a minute everybody wins those whiskers are wild that's one thing you gotta respect about animals

I just lifted this thing up it was in a stupor it was in a sleepy hang and I just picked it up put it here and it's like hey well cats no remorse

are the single most zen animal you got that right I mean they are just there yeah yeah yeah yeah what else is zen yeah cat might take it I think koalas up there cause they're getting high all day

I think most animals a horse if you see like a horse it just sits there that's true it's just there and then it eats when it's hungry and that's it

and you ride it it goes I guess I'm riding yeah I wonder what that feels like is that like a baby on your back what do you think the equivalent is hmm good question

it must it can't be much but here's the thing well maybe I'm wrong a horse never just collapses does it no it's too strong the legs are so strong

cause if you put a baby on my back for like 15 minutes I'd just crumble no I'm talking a toddler I know

I was doing a bit I went short it'd be funny but eventually you would go I gotta sit down you'd feel it yeah for sure

but I think a horse I think you could fucking ride that thing all day I think it's like a book bag you know you can wear a book bag all day after a while you're like

alright I'm gonna take it off but I think you throw one encyclopedia in there that's a horse with a human does the saddle help the horse or just a guy oh both

are you sure what does it do for the horse cause it feels like more weight for the horse oh good point but you don't want that tail bone poking you in the spine all night

I got the boniest butt you've ever seen I can cut meat with this oh we might have to do a bony butt off cause this thing I could

cut glass we need someone well Chuck's sitting in the couch we'll both sit on his leg I don't know how to work it too from like when I was a kid I'd fuck up Santa Claus

oh yeah I'd sit on there and just slice him up yeah yeah they don't like that but when Chuck gets here I think we should do a lap a butt butt cheek off

alright we're doing a lap dance yeah it'll be fun alright we'll take a lap you think Chuck likes this no what are you getting the guy's miserable can't believe they moved to New York

what a mistake I mean this guy's getting laid left and right he's killing it he's having threesomes he's banging gals and boys he's got a goatee

glasses you know what I mean he's dressed weird he's in the comic books I think well there's a scene over there with those comic book groupies you know there's comedy groupies

there's sports groupies he's got the girls who look like Silent Bob I got no groupies no there's no comedy whatever I think there are

I know a girl is into you really yeah but you're not gonna like it oh he looks like can you message me or text me I'll text you

there should be a text you're not gonna like it it's the same when you told me before cause you told me one years ago maybe it was the same setup large yeah

it might be the same dame oh you're repeating stories ladies if you're listening to the show and you're like boy if his wife died fell off a cliff and had AIDS

I wouldn't mind sucking on his dick for a couple minutes sure just slip into the DMs and be like oh yeah I would why is a dick suck so

hard to come by no pun intended but I'm just saying like I don't know a gal gets down there she does eight minutes of work it pleases this guy so much why is it so

maybe it's the demoralizing fact that you're putting a penis in your mouth the man's most horrific body part is going into your no the buttholes ah true true

alright well I'm counting the butthole out alright but you could knock it out in a in a coat room at the mall

and it's yet it's so you know what it is the reason they're so hard to come by is because men like them so much well I think it does hurt the mouth really yeah your mouth I mean

open your mouth as wide as you can for a few minutes that's probably already annoying right it is but how big is this dick I mean give me that remote

I got a nice one this is way smaller than my dick oh really are you kidding I mean well if you go up and down the tall one that's a long way

yeah get that in there yeah that's a little annoying it's long and then I think the guy it just takes forever and you get a load shot in your mouth sure

I got a gross salty load you can point it at the chest or in the garbage and the fish tank I guess but some women like to do it that's true that's true

but I think they'd rather have I like sex a lot more than I like a blow job yeah blow job I'm like I'll take three a year I'm fine yeah

but it's just weird cause like I'd rather do this than my taxes oh yeah no woman's like oh I wish I could do my taxes more often yeah I guess you're right

they're not just grabbing guys at bars and doing their taxes are they well maybe at a Jewish temple hey Chuck's back hey big Chuck

Chuck handsome Chuck alright how'd it go see oh throw the jacket on Chuck we also want to have a contest to see how's the bone of your butt

so you gotta sit down we're gonna sit on your lap yeah we just gotta sit on a leg yeah yeah yeah you willing to do this alright

plus I don't think Chuck's been on camera before I don't think so either it's a good looking jacket is it you look like uh

Jack Dalton from a diver oh yeah look at that guy I think I think I'm gonna dominate this bony butt by the way I think you might win

I was just talking it up insane yeah but you get that knee I got this I mean let me give you some you should go first why why cause I'm like

I'm the favorite I see like I'm the underdog yeah you're gonna feel his bone and be like oh interesting

and then I'm gonna just send this guy to the hospital for you alright here we go if you upset me first of all you gotta wallet and notes back should I take that out

you gotta get rid of those yeah you gotta pay alright alright it's like a knee pad but that would help you I'm choosing I wanted to be fair though okay okay

yeah this is I mean I can already tell now am I going butt to the middle you go one butt cheek to the leg oh one butt cheek

yeah oh I was gonna go right down the taint oh you can do whatever you want oh hey that's pretty bony that's pretty good

okay okay it's not good it's unpleasant oh yeah I feel like I'm in a it's gonna be an upset I'm in a really alright alright

alright what would you rank it like a ten a b one ten yeah he's not around a man's ass on his knee

I'd take it back he's an A in bonyness oh we're going high I'm nervous okay alright you better

hold on let me feel that oh that's a lot of meat I think you're bony oh what he's hurt look at

he's hurt now I don't know how to feel I'm like is this a good we should have made money on this I heard him you got more you got more patting though you got more patting

you got more patting why are you hurt for me and not hurt for him because you were wiggling well you did a different way sit the other way that's what I'm saying you're doing a side way

it's a competition well we gotta have the same sit method like no like that yeah there you go oof I could feel your thigh bone

Joe's bony what hold on hold on you sat a different way I gave you my sack hold on oh what about that Joe's bony

alright alright make sure again there we go it's a weapon do you want to feel this thing yeah I want to feel it now how bony could we be

he can't he can't even walk yeah you crippled him you crippled Chuck I mean this is a weapon I've been using this I'm telling you Santa Claus

is across the country we're quitting I'm nervous I mean you're gonna be in trouble oh god what do you got there lead weights Jesus Christ

it's like a hit I feel like I'm tiny hearting this could be my move I could go take out Easter bunnies all over holy shit do you sit on the Easter bunny no pedophile

I think you sit on the Easter bunny don't you what yeah Easter bunny I've seen the Santa I think the Santa but the Easter bunny

you sit on them also you don't just stand next to him yeah I think you sit on the Easter bunny that's news to me what about your mom's lap your poor mom she must have been getting her ass kicked

oh the head they'd always call me bony hey bony butt get out of here bony butt is there lingering is it still hurt okay I might have to go to the

physical theater yeah but yeah okay good to know about the bony butt that was exciting that was funny that might be viral see that's pre-internet fun

I feel like now kids are cling cling cling cling angry birds and uh you know PlayStation we still have to make fun yeah

for free that was fun that was a good time I was like Reagan had that bit about activities is this a good activity he's like let's see who can stare at the sun the longest

oh yeah yeah is this a good activity that's great he's very good I am star you know what I'm having I'm having the blood sugar drop you're too hungry

and I got the caffeine I need to get some food in my asshole my dad has low blood sugar and man he's an incredible hulk except it's angry

he doesn't turn green he doesn't turn buff he turns cunty and bitchy hangry they call it hangry and he's well hanged don't you

when I talk to an old person it makes me want to just kill myself they're like oh my eyes going my ears are weird my blood sugar I gotta go get tested

it's really depressing that we just deteriorate it's a sad state of affairs and it's inevitable it just bums me out you take your kale you take your quinoa your vitamins

it's gonna happen well I was talking to my my family about like my grandfather had dementia and then who were we just talking about Chevy Chase says oh yeah someone just

tell me Chevy Chase his early onset dementia is that right did you hear that too what he's gonna be like close to 70 right

that's not that old 60s he was old like 15 years ago like when he was on community he looked like an old he looked like an old man but

I just thought he looked like hell I didn't think he was actually that old but I guess you know he's on the he's on the first season of SNL which came out in 75 I think he was older then too

I think he was like older he was the oldest guy on there he was a hunk back then yeah tall cup of jizz 78

ohhhh okay we're pushing 80 so that's not even early onset dementia that's just regular dementia dementia I was reading about it because my grandfather had it

after the age of 65 10% of people over 65 have Alzheimer's or dementia and then every five years it goes up another 5% but women are twice as likely

to get it my mom has it really? not bad but she's got it is she like cuckoo for cocoa puffs? Alzheimer's

yeah what the hell are you chiming in for nobody's got a mic here everybody's chiming in we got a lot of non-mic chimers I'll call my mom right now

well she know who you are wait wait Alzheimer's yes I'm thinking of arthritis ahhh arthritis wrong one

arthritis wrong totally everyone's got arthritis alright my dentist has got arthritis starts with an A

yeah arthritis Arthur you got a greeting it starts with an H how's 50 bucks sound hahaha I'll take it

I think it was 20 bucks I fucked up but anyways but yeah this Alzheimer's that dementia shit's no joke but I think we do a lot of the things they said

heart disease heart problem high blood pressure that's bad for the thing and the Alzheimer's oh is that right yeah that's like

the worst your heart is the more likely dementia and booze booze fucks ya that's not good for the brain and lack of sleep oh man I got all three of those

yeah so you gotta be careful out there shit in my ass you're a big man on campus with no bread and while you're not sleeping you're drinking and what was the other one

oh I got a bad heart ah you don't have a bad heart get the hell out of here three ties is too small I'm the Grinch but alright you know Jim Carrey said

in eight and a half hours of makeup the first day with the Grinch eight and a half so what do you do just leave it on the rest of the time why was it so short

the rest of the time you said the first day yeah so was it did you just leave it on I think they shoot for 10 hours but that means the second day

you'd have to wear eight and a half too yeah god he almost quit they had to give him a pep talk but he hung in there and then the movie sucked

so yeah I couldn't I couldn't get into it so lose lose he's good but we ever have him back he's got a little dementia yeah he's a kook

yeah big kook he had a lady kill herself that he dated oh that'll do it herpy he gave her herpes is that right

there's more to it but we know too much about these guys like things were better in the 90s when he was ace ventura

he was a wacky guy in a Hawaiian shirt we all high five we go I see the movie I loved it dumb and dumbers great and then you go on with your life you didn't go

you know he's got herpes and his wife killed himself you go ah well the celebrity stuff is tough these rags they take the photos

they write the stuff it's very tough I hope I never get successful a lot of these people live with themselves too these journalists I saw I was watching succession and the journalist

is doing a piece on the guy and he goes you think she'll be nice and the lady goes yeah journalists you know they're very nice always very nice and it's true

you know you're like oh yeah their whole job is just cut you down and slander ya well the entertainment folks for sure yeah it's bad they want the clicks

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from Lucy thank you get on it yeehee alright we gotta get some stuff here right sure I mean the bony butt thing took 20 minutes oh yeah that was fun though

that was a great time I think people will enjoy that oh yeah I got more stories you got anything I feel like I'm hogging all the stories here I got not much I had this one

you ever have a guy I was hanging out with a guy all weekend I'm not going to say who it is he had the bad pauses bad pauses now let me give you an example like a bear

no no uh like pausing like pausing like uh waiting mm so okay alright

I'll try here we go Christmas tree the other day beautiful tree oh jeez that's a bad paus he would pause and then you go as a normal working

human adult you go oh I'll now I'll speak now right and then he would speak right over ya so he would have to pause to have his thoughts

maybe a dementia and then you would chime in and then he would interrupt you we'll try it again we'll try it again tell you these new sneakers I killed my feet

my feet hurt like hell oh jeez you see that was all weekend that's horrible paus I know bad paus and he would give you a window so then you would go

okay here we go and then he would step all over ya how about this guy uh this just reminded me because I like acting things out like this it's fun

alright this guy that goes to the bar I used to bartend and Sarah had the same thing should bartend it'll be like this uh alright you're the bartender

alright what kind of beers you got I got blood light uh Stella I don't like that oh gross blue moon

no uh Budweiser definitely not oh jeez I got uh Sierra Nevada yuck

like he wouldn't listen he just starts cutting out ah no no no oh that guy's thick jesus he's like a human yelp just let me name the beer

and then you tell me the beer you don't go through individually saying no yeah that is bad yeah bad knows bad paus bad paus the paus guy I don't know

weekend it was like a drip torture china thing what do you call that I think you got it oh okay torture china thing okay good chinese water torture

there it is we gotta get chuck mic'd up he's got a lot to contribute over there yeah better than his face but uh yeah so it gets late I don't get it

it's wild at six at six times I gotta eat food oh you were gone for a while yeah put me down for a nine hahahaha

um I'm starving I gotta get something I gotta get a cookie or a cracker well there's nothing here that you ate me out of house at home

I was trying to fill up on water I might eat a cactus alright by the way you gotta get some lights this is horrendous I just got it okay today

last week ah jeez she was supposed to do it it was a whole thing for those folks at home you got a christmas tree bear a barren tree here

yeah yeah bad paus bear wait what uh you got one what you got a tree we haven't gotten it yet cause we're going to germ

back yesterday but if I had one it would be decorated I'll tell you that this is worse than no tree real easy to say that's not worse than no tree what's worse

hey your kid got abducted well my kid's naked no a tree with no light here's let me give you some relationship advice if you're interested not relationship advice

that's not the right from fun for a relationship advice okay okay when you travel everyone gets magnets and stuff you got a christmas ornament

and then christmas time you pull them out you go oh remember vegas I like it remember balthamore I like it that's fun to do

that's good it's a scrapbook and an ornament yes and you see it annually cause your magnets you never look at the magnet and go wow

but if you put it away and bring it back it's nice good call magnet schools but this is depressing yeah it's just a lonely plant in my house

yeah he's got a plant you got to get some lights and some some presents under there maybe yeah I got to get a gift I wouldn't kill you

to get me a gift I'll toss it under there next time we record that's not bad yeah I like it what other ideas you got ahh

let's leave that for now I don't want to get to round pizza box huh that could be something I love that whoa I think it's hard to hinge

it doesn't hinge though that's the thing it would have to be round with a little flat side flat side oh wait it could open like a cage

like it could open it off ah but now it's a two piece it'd be two piece yeah yeah that's the best bathing suit a round pizza box

I'm telling you you just come up with that just popped in but here's the clinker this is good stuff the pizza's round the box is round the garbage is round

mmm well you don't put a pizza box in square you don't want it to fit in the well what's the square I think it's all janky

you can't get in like a dick in an ass that's a good point I usually do the step and fold the who you step in the middle and you fold it over oh

I love that band and squish step fold and squish and you deal with a lot of pizza boxes I had a bunch of pizza yesterday uh oh

my theory came true again bagel cinnamon roll and a whole pizza I'm living my life I had some people over ah

small group a story of folks gathering you never come anyways no it's too far yeah and the travel that's what I'm saying

well the travel you're traveling on Sunday oh I see so you know yeah I miss your house I didn't get home until 4 a.m.

well I missed that one train you know once 11 o'clock rolls around it's all over well by the way I mean this neighbor

we talk about it every week now but this is I'm afraid to come to your house at this point it's a real shift I sprint to the comedy cellar I don't even leave there

I wait for a lift when I see the lift I dive in come on they're swinging they're spitting I had a lady a friend

they were hocking loogies on her at 9 in the morning like a guy and like a second guy joined in I shouldn't have done that I'm not kidding they double teamed her

with spit which is my fantasy sure that's hot I haven't had someone spit in my mouth in years that was my thing for so long well we haven't hung out

that much alright not a loogie but a drip you don't want a loog Chuck you're saying yeah oh yes Chuck you're back no now he's out

I'm turned off oh my god you spit in or you get the spit I get the spit I get the spit oh you spit I get the spit

would be a good couple that's appalling you ask first though right you don't just start spitting one spit the warning spit isn't that weird warning spit

warning spit if you spit on somebody in a conversation you go this guy's a psycho I hope he dies but if you want to get spit on it's great

no you get shamed for that shit women won't do it most women are like what are you crazy I can't what are you talking about they won't spit

or take a spit no my wife wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire I'm begging her I'm like please for God's sakes really just let one loose

my little son I don't think so I mean if I stepped on jellyfish maybe sure that'll help my wife pisses once a day I've never seen a can of water

ever once can death proof death proof she might be dehydrated what's it called liquid death liquid death

yeah we gotta get you some bottles she is not that might be the problem she doesn't drink water or pee ever what it's the strangest thing

I've ever seen you're the op I'm the complete reverse yin and yang over here whiz and yang I have three cups of tea a day I drink bottle

I drink water just non-stop same with me all day I'm like a diabetic cactus I need water all day every day well I guess a cactus

is a bad example well whatever I mean I piss 50 times I'm not kidding I piss about 50 times a day that could be a problem

that's what everyone says I've been to doctors and they're fine with it pee and water constantly all day and I'm a nervous Nellie it's good at flushes I think I'm flushed

flushes meadow also it's like it's one of those things where you're like royal flush people are like that could be a problem but a large prostate

doesn't lead to cancer is that right they're unrelated so if you're the thing with peeing a lot and people are like you gotta go to a doctor it's just to take a medicine

as you pee less I'm living with it oh I thought it was a symptom of AIDS or cancer or scurvy it can if there's like

it is and shit or whatever I see if you've got a headache or something you ever jizz blood no I did that once

I was probably 15 I was yanking it and it was pink I gave it a goog it turns out it's kind of a thing no kidding I'm a

good rapper can't be like that common well it's not every day but it just happens randomly oh because I've come about 78,000 times

in the last six months and I haven't seen a pinch of red I know it tells a ruin but yeah don't do it it was

I think it was a stress thing or I had an edible I don't know something was going on but pink jizz I'm dying I'm squeezing my dick over here what are you, a prior?

well you know what I couldn't get prior convictions I couldn't get all my piss out because the cat oh you couldn't whizz in front of the cat

and then I couldn't piss between because where I got time crunch it's pretty great about a cat though the cat's seen your dick and heard me say the n-word

and they'll never tell good point because they could be working on something well I think I'll be dead by then what do you got you were in Sacramento

I got a bunch of stuff but you know what's fun in Sacramento I haven't been there since the World Series 2018 oh nice but anyways

how fun that we're recording back to back episodes so people are hearing about the same piss for two weeks oh yeah the piss hurt around the world

that's pretty funny that's not bad to them I haven't pissed in nine days right or eight days maybe dead there's no way

eight days have you watched that Beatles thing yet I got halfway in it's dense dense I mean it is nerd

Beatles shit like they're just writing a song hey George how are ya oh that's shit you know good good didn't literally do we got a little of this

you know maybe put a little on the snare drum so you got Disney Plus I got a steel cable oh that thing that got you to give me the thing

I don't want the steel it's HBO Max oh HBO no it's on Disney Plus I've been watching on HBO it's on Disney yeah it's

I don't have Disney I think I've liked it you got some I got your HBO you must have some I'm stealing the cable I'm watching on the stolen I hate the stolen

stolen valor I got a lot of stuff how long will we be going what time do we start I don't even know so six twenty five or so no yeah it's about four thirty

thirty five whoa alright well I got some more stuff here we've been riffing and raffin okay how about this oh I'm in we were in Royal Oak

you were in Royal Oak I was in Royal Oak a couple months ago I was back in Royal Oak to open for Louis twenty minutes outside of Detroit for a little context yeah fine town

Royal Oak Michigan home of Sam Raimi the comedy club and the theater Royal Oak Theater that's right so went there and black squirrels

oh yeah there are black squirrels more than black people interesting yeah cute squirrels well so I went out there but I was there

a few weeks before I was coming back I was there in November coming back in December to open for Louis yeah it's a quick flight so when I was there I was on the lookout

for activities because you gotta have the road activities and there ain't much going on in that town let's be honest so as folks might remember when I was there

I went to the big movie theater right behind the hotel oh it's gone no no the big one oh the old one is gone main yes the main theater

it's like there but not open but then the big theater shit they got a bowling alley in there they have a private screening room where Sarah and I sell this movie Titan

because they use it for like regular screenings but you can rent it so I saw the sign rent it so I hit up the big man Louis I go hey

they got a big private screening room over here we can watch any movie we want wow it's only 300 bucks by the way wait wait you bring in a movie you can

they have Amazon they can stream for you what so you get the experience or you the Amazon or you can watch whatever movie they have there

they have his fucking comic book bullshit remake bullshit yeah so I can't watch those but I go hey

why don't we rent it out 300 bucks by the way that's like that's not crazy not for him no well not for him but like

not for a group of people friends 300 is not crazy not bad all you can watch a big fight there or bring in a Debbie does Dallas

because you think about it a movie if you go to the movies in New York at least it's like 18 bucks you're already well it's only 80 but if you get 20 friends

you're like I'm just saying I get it 75 bucks is not that much more than 20 and you don't have to deal with any other people and you got a night out

you get your popcorn you throw it at each other you get the whole place you sneak beers in yeah exactly so it's not I was thinking like a thousand dollars

to rent out a movie theater yeah I mean they're losing a lot of cash on this deal well there's probably a lot of people that don't want to spend 300 bucks

I guess so again so whatever whatever it doesn't matter I'm getting all caught up in the spiderwebs of jizz

but so I go hey we could we'll rent the theater and he goes that sounds good we got Johnny Fish there so he gets the assistant to look into it

and she goes that's 300 bucks you can stream anything off Amazon wow now does he ever come to you and go thank god you're here

you got eight different ideas five menus options and 20 dicks to suck I wouldn't mind by the way the routing worked perfectly

because talking about the football game last week he drove straight from Indy left the night of the game to Chicago so he went to Cleveland Indy

Chicago three car rides couple hours each no airplanes this is why it worked out perfect this is why you guys get along so well

that is a part of why I mean you guys are buddies but he doesn't plan shit you're all planned that's like my wife it's fun to have

an OCD crazy plan guy yin and wang all set all set so we go there and of course I convinced him

hey it's a great idea we'll go do that we're gonna go watch a movie it's gonna be fun then he starts doing his thing where he's like this what about you ever see the

the curse of the wacky detective and I'm like this come on he's like I think we might want to watch that and I'm like

you gotta what's the rotten tomato we're watching a movie we've heard of we gotta watch something fun you don't get a private screening and watch a 1925

I'm sorry oh no God you want to smack him like the lady in the movie shut up you old dame plus we got John Fish here

I'm like come on Fish isn't gonna he's seen 11 movies in his life right let's show him something good let's not show him the curse of the jade twat

so we finally settled on another round did you see that movie it's a Danish movie lasted with Mads Nicholson people are raving

put this right on the top of your lips get out of you liked it hello wow you've never liked a movie since Star Wars 3

well it's a foreign you know I gotta be foreign I get it that's not true that's not true I love a lot of I know I know

what's the other one I like the what about Bob I can't remember Plain Street I just watched the a new movie called Old Henry I heard about that too

about a cowboy it's fun is it alright did you watch the black one yet black one there's a black cowboy movie yeah it's big any kind of tell you

something about Netflix and maybe I'll do a special they'll whatever come around and if that has that little end in the corner I'm out

can anyone name some original Netflix besides documentaries and stand up what are some original Netflix films that you're like

that is great Halloween Hubert what what's that what's that what's that what's that what's that

what's that what's that what's that what's that what's that I like all of them get home get away from any of them

would you get out of them I'm getting away for many and it's no good at the end yeah in his bag how Mum

gets soldiers I get away for many it's no good it's no good yeah at the end in his bed how dare they fall

and that's bother character it's very stylized is a Lauren Bender discount and does all the negatives wonderful guys

I've been seeing it pop up on my cue it's on Delta too Delta when you're on Delta you see it on there well so we decided on that

and I go great this was a movie I like the movies he's in it sounds great this is a hell of a film we're alone in the theater so we got

we're all propped up three in a row we got popcorn candy I'm shoving M&Ms and popcorn in and you can just let the

explicitums fly because you're the only ones in there well let me ask you this during the movie not the chat but a couple like you could go like this

that's fucking hilarious you do those that's fair you're not going what's up with this guy you think he cause we don't have the pause button pauses back there

they hit play just go you don't want to pause pauses bad bad pause so we're watching it like this but you do do like this that's fucking great that's good stuff

okay that's fine those kind of things like you're getting head you go oh yuck that's how I get head so it's like that kind of thing but great film

hell of a pick you know what it is it's life affirming interesting that's a hell of a review there yelp and hilarious by the way really

it's like a comedy for like 80% of it and then it gets like dark and sweet nice somebody wrecked it to me and I looked at it

and I said that's not bad and I never looked at it again so now with that guy's wreck and you're wreck life affirming I'm back Jack it's a little bit triggering for me

because the premise is this there was like a they're you know they're all bored midlife crisis people and sure and there's like

there's some theory I think it might have been Balzac that human beings are naturally lacking 0.05% alcohol in their blood is that right that was the guy's theory

I mean he's probably an alcoholic but he so they decided to test it and try to maintain 0.05% blood alcohol content throughout the day and they're school teachers

oh even cooler so hi jakes begins to ensue and then of course like anything they go what if we we took it up a notch and then you know boobly boo

I see that's your premise and this is danish it's danish so you gotta watch the subtitle whatever I think it's a combat like a conglomerate of

countries oh really because over there it's like a country's like a town I know you take one shit in the woods and you're off in Birmingham

I know yeah cookie time but I'll check it out I need a new movie I just watched one last night they would make you weep to your panties fellow uh oh

well buckle up for this one chuckie adrian adrian apollucci they're special no you upset me

adrian this one it's about I don't want to give too much away lady in the Upper West Side she wrote a couple movies was an actress cute blonde lady

this is the plot or this is the person that wrote it both oh so it's like an autobiography kind of it's a biography not auto erotic

but she she was a writer she finally made her own movie she hated being in movies she made her own movie it was a huge hit it's called waitress big movie

okay uh the day it comes out she's murdered whoa whoa they find her hanging from a

hanging from a whatever in the bathroom Jesus the husband walks in what the hell's going on here they got a two year old daughter she just made it career

she went off to Sundance she was a big hit at Sundance sneezing on the tits and uh the husband he goes it's a suicide she's hanging man

he goes ah she wouldn't kill herself and they go all right you're just sad and dumb let it let it fly let it fly

and he investigates and he finds out what really happened but woo they show the kid the kid grows up so this is

not a duck it's a duck it is a duck sorry but man space duck you want to get out the ducks and wet the whistle

put that puppy on you are gonna weep oh I love to weep I need a weep because I always want to weep I feel like weeping but I got no connection

I got that I'm disconnected yes it's got a lot of filler in the movie the whole thing could have been 11 minutes let's be honest

but here's the clinker the dad finds the killer and then meets him whoa they show the whole kid kaboom

whoa yeah it feels like a big reveal by the way I gave away too much yeah I mean that feels like quite the reveal ah bleep it out

well to me I can't bleep it out to me I'm here good point well I'll sacrifice you for the good of the people well they don't if I don't get to know

they don't get to know all right fuck it they're not gonna watch it you're not either the goose is out of the egg Ray ain't coming home you see

oh that's like the ultimate you can't beat that I don't know why Deer Zachary hasn't like come back into the cause that was before the murder craze

sure that's like the best one well that's just that's beyond murder that's just jerking off to sadness that's just it's torture

by the way this cat is killing me I gotta shove a floor of toad up my ass whatever it's called I know her we got the

the medicine I got my own drugs I brought them I don't know what you got you got some weird oh yes lightless tree was a weird

Native American I'm lightless tree oh yeah calm down blackface it's black feet motherfucker

oh yeah Eddie Murphy very good all right I think I got a tail I can throw a tail out there we gotta wrap this what time is it

Chuck or what time I got so many tails I don't even know which one I wanna plug John Fisch's special by the way it's called

Hinge one of the great comics he was like the guy so funny and a sweet cat so yes or check it out it's called Hinge

it's on YouTube go watch it you won't be disappointed a lot of the gay has already watched it so watch it again leave a comment get that algorithm

give it a plus up thumb thing and put a thumb on your ass and Fisch is a good egg and a killer comic and he's got another album too that's great

oh yeah very good comic and here's the thing with a lot of these guys myself including I'm hustling now nobody told those YouTube followers up

yeah the followers so now we got guys releasing YouTube specials and they got 48 subscribers so get out there

and do your part you'll enjoy the comedy share it comment like he's a first-class guy and it was really helpful to me when I was a young whip of snapper

great egg yeah absolutely how about this we stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Cleveland me and Fisch and Louie put it on a Ritz which was really fun

what oh putting on the Ritz Ritz Cracker I thought you were giving me something to finish the line the way you stopped you did a pause bad pause

that was a weird pause so I thought and I thought I saw a finger like you were like put it on a Ritz I thought I was supposed to be like and smell your shits or whatever

right right now now you're good bad pause I blew it what was I saying oh so we stayed at the Ritz so I was

in Cleveland I did hilarities by the way sold 168 tickets on a Wednesday which felt nice to me there was all gays it was just

as far as the eye could see so thank you Cleveland you rock gay pride so I'm staying at the arcade hotel which I love oh you gotta love the cave and I went over to that diner

you ever go to that diner Mike and Dee's or something it's like a big old brick building yeah past the holiday in or whatever yes I love that place it's a little hole in the wall

I go there I get and I love a breakfast it's a lot of bread I get french toast I get a new muffin I get some eggs with cheese I get seven bucks

wow seven dollars damn especially the Cleveland steamer or something seven bucks wow that's a lot of bread no bread

to buy your bread I had seven bucks I threw down 12 cause this is what I had on me so I tipped like 60% or whatever that is you got that right or 90%

I go there you go lady I tip five on seven twelve dollar breakfast move over to the Ritz and I go I don't feel like walking all the way down to the diner

there's crazy homeless I just get over here you know what I'll just eat at the Ritz it's one meal whoa Nellie who we got here

JP Marriott well I just didn't feel like cause I had walked all the way over there from the other hotel I see and by the way it's like 11 o'clock

cause I had to wait until they had a check in available I think you're gonna say you get an Uber or a Lyft or a cab or a rickshaw or a petty

no so it's cold and windy and lonely and there's crazy people and I pulled the wheelie bag with the backpack and the big coat packed in

shed down my gear in the hotel and I'm like I don't want to put my coat back on my hat back on walk back through the gauntlet I'll just get a breakfast here

one time O-T-O-T-O one time one time all right I'm nervous here about this bill especially after the seven

dollar bonanza you had earlier seven bucks so I go down to the Ritz I go I want a waffle oh god the Ritz waffle

waffles very empty it's not much there it's all fluff all fluff scrambled eggs with a little bit of cheddar cheese oh you got cheese at it

cheese and eggs and then what did I have maybe one other item hope you didn't get any guac a green tea all right you start getting drinks oh and home

hash browns I go give me a hash brown three eggs and a waffle now we got a beverage we got a waffle we got eggs

cheese and bacon you're fucked he brings the bill oh god I fell backwards with my legs up my skirt felt

like an old lady I can't I can't wait forty four dollars no waffle seventeen bucks that's what my flight

to albuquerque got two eggs eight bucks what is this an abortion clinic come on eight bucks for two eggs cheese

my green tea six dollars ah god four bucks and the tea was as much as the meal forty four dollars

for a breakfast get out of here with your Ritz I go you gotta be cocking me and they don't even give me a bottle of syrup they give me like a little shot

oh that's how they do it so I dump the the syrup in there it only hits the middle so by the way this is an answer to a lot of questions I tweeted the picture

of the waffle cause I just ate the middle with the syrup but I couldn't get the guy back from more syrup oh now the service is bad the service bad

the syrup service I just ate because I'm not gonna eat a waffle with those butter or syrup on it that's fucking you're not an animal

I'm not a communist sure I ate eight bucks yeah now you're tipping more than the old meal doesn't that seem insane

of course that I gotta tip a guy eight bucks because the tea cost six bucks it should be it should be like a bucket item

they must love these hobos out there cause they go hey they got eating here now we're gonna rape them it's just crazy that this guy

brought me a plate and a beverage eight bucks unreal I'm happy to pay a lot of waiters out there

got a tip because you signed into the agreement but they gotta have better that's what I hate about these five star places

they jack everything up they go hey you're paying for comfort no no I'm not comfortable at the Marriott the Marriott sweet so the Howard Johnson

I get a free breakfast free wifi and a mint on the pillow their wifi calls 18.99 the breakfast is 44 and the mint is up my ass

brutal it sucks for those waiters that work at these diner they bring out a plate and a coffee and another thing

they get three bucks this guy brings out a plate and a coffee he gets eight bucks and you never see him again in the syrups the size of my dick it's really

goofballs but whatever I mean they both worked out cause I guess I don't know well they say oh it's ambiance you get the ambiance

oh blow me with your ambiance that's a black chick I dated an 88 no kidding yeah yeah she was fun alright that's all I got I feel like we gotta wrap

you gotta get to your show yeah alright well I got some dates January 15th Vancouver January 16th Seattle laughs so let's tickets are up

I'll put it up again in my lake go to the websites and then I'm in Dallas whatever the fuck what's that club again those three clubs hyenas

hyenas end of January February I got some shit I can't remember where the fuck it is I'm coming back to Boston in April

Laugh Boston it's Patriots Day weekend I'm gonna be home for that so come on out to that can't wait to hear about Germany side splitters in March and yeah I'm gonna well I'm

I guess I'm back from Germany if you're hearing this so usually and then go subscribe to the YouTube and join the Patreon for God's sakes

we got a bunch of extra stuff yes we have the whatever that TV show was the bunch of live apps oh Larry Charles we got hot gay sets coming out

your album hot gay sets I don't know if that'll be out by then but we got Providence we got Netflix's cooking we'll do a whole thing with Netflix so it's gonna be a big

package of goo and you're not gonna wanna miss it I'll be in Kansas City Syracuse that was a bad pause it wasn't a bad pause are you the person

Sacramento and oh side splitters Milwaukee probably the bay area at some point oh La Jolla

that's the one La Jolla Comedy Club or La Jolla Comedy Store MarkNormanComedy.com check it out hit the specials go to YouTube subscribe

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