Tuesdays with Stories! - #432 Brown Pierce

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

Hey Hey Tuesgays, it's out last episode of 2021 and we're in our new studio as Mark heads to Atlanta before being hit on by a pasta loving woman in Brooklyn while Joe films his new special at the Village Underground before having loads of vaccine passport issues in Germany. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays), & Better Help (betterhelp.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to out YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

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Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with? Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Cialis. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me.

Ha-ha! Hey, folks, I mean, what a whirlwind this is. We just broke the hymen on this new office, new apartment, new studio. I don't know where the camera is. I don't know where to look. Do I look at my solo? Do I look at the?

I'm all off. This might be strait. I can't see Peter. Don't look at Shelby, because that'll ruin yourself a steam. But just stay focused. Right down the barrel. First of all, I haven't seen Shelby since 1988. Hell yeah.

We're in a box here. I feel like ZeroDoc 30. It's ridiculous. You're in a collar. I'm going to a Christmas party later. I want to look nice for the party. Those collars are funny. I'm wearing a new pant.

Blue collar, company. By the way, I've seen people keep messaging me. You've had the same pair of sneakers for three years. I re-up. I just go to Amazon. I just go, give me the same sneaks. They're working for me. They're comfy.

People don't like the red shoe. You stepped in dog shit. I don't know what's going on. I know. I know. I got a whirl to hell from. It wasn't dog shit, by the way. I checked those sneaks.

It was a cow pie or something. Just some goo. It was a goo. This is our first episode in the new venue. It's very strange. And I got to tell you, this is a high end. Oh, what a building. They got Bobca in the lobby.

I know. I went to town on an oatmeal raisin tray. We got free coffee. There's a bunch of regular people having business meetings in the conference room. And then we shuffle in here like a couple of twats. I mean, there's literally people working. Like they're cracking codes.

And you think about what comedy is like now, with saying things, saying the wrong thing, whatever. Think about what the corporate world is like. The HR. My god, it's up to the pooper. People are getting fired just for wearing blackface. What happened to these times? And now we're in here.

And I can hear the guy shuffling next to me. I mean, we say we let it with the explicit of his fly. Yeah, apparently we got a Jewish lawyer, which is a little redundant, next to us in an office. And you just got back from Germany. Yeah, so we're going to keep it dialed in on the heave stuff. Yeah, we're going to have to get those soundproof things. Or hang some carpets or some drapes.

Sure, it matches the curtains. Something's got to give here. I mean, I predict we're going to be thrown out here in 30 minutes. Oh, yeah, it's just us walking through. You got a backpack on. I had a boner. The whole thing looks bad. It's like ladies at a desk.

It looks like a dentist's office. I wasn't prepared for this. It's literally a doctor's office. You come in, there's ladies wearing masks, there's plastic. They have like, they have pens. They got pens, Jerry. One guy was a guy, no, I sniffed his fingers. I think I saw an iPad.

What the fuck? Woo, we're goners. But let's let it ride. We'll get one month out. I'll give you a little sniff of what it's like here. There's a coffee shop in the lobby. Oh, yeah. And the coffee is $5.

I bought a bottle of water. Guess where I paid for this bottle of water? I don't know, $4.99? $3.21. It's like airport over here. And the guy, don't you hate this? The guy gave me the welcome to New York, which fathers makes it like, I've lived here for 48 years.

Well, that's the thing, we're on Fifth Avenue at Midtown. So the only people coming in here are a couple of yokels from Montana and the people who work in the building. And I got a backpack. I wanted to get street cry. I wanted to be like, yeah, well, I've been banging since Queens, I don't know, whatever you say. Yeah, yeah, something a little Cool J, the Bronx, Jay-Z.

Ladies love Cool J. Concrete jungle, a little cocky. Well, you got some thing in rap. You got to be cocky. You can't be up there like, I don't believe in myself. I would like that. That would be fun. I like Elf on a shelf.

I don't believe in myself. My dick is small and I'm worried about you all. All right, I liked it. That was bad. Maybe I'll be something. Maybe I'll be the, you know, the Nebish MC. Hey, MC Nebish. I think you got something there.

MC and Secure, that's something here. I think you got to put Lil in there though. Lil or big. Oh, yes. I worked at FYE for your entertainment. I think formerly Saturday matinee or record time. I can't remember what, what's what. When we alphabetized, there was a lot of,

hip-hop is all L's and B's because it's bigs and Lil's. That makes sense. They really don't, there's no medium in hip-hop. Oh, good point. You know, it's just big and Lil is biggie smalls and then there's Lil John. Yeah, good point. No mediocre Ralph.

What? Okay. I wear, I can literally hear what people are saying outside. We are not going to last here. No. You did good, you tried your best. It was a fine effort, but I can literally hear numbers being crunched and we're about to say, who knows what?

We're going to be ourselves, which is the worst thing you can do. And I used to work in corporate folks. We're on the 17th floor here. This, they don't, they don't mess around out here. It's a cavity check time. But we got to get some egg cartons or some horseshit. And ISIS den this place out.

Cause we can't let this pipe out to the hallway. We'll get ruined. We'll get sued. I'm just going to hear us. It's over. It is insane. But whatever, let's, let's get into some stuff. Cause I got too much stuff.

I mean, I've had a whirlwind of a week, the craziest week of my life. And by the way, all that's bouncing around in my head is like this podcast, I give it two weeks. It's dead. They're corporate now. Mark's in a collar. I mean, we can't combine office with collar.

No, no, no. What is a collar with the police? That's my collar. I think it's, you grab them by the collar. Oh. Get away you son of a bitch. You're going in. Especially a priest, you know, the kid fucking.

You gotta get that collar. They didn't get arrested too much. That's true. They would just swap locations like us. They really skated quite a bit. I mean, it's been touched upon, no pun intended. But I mean, the church is still there. People are still going, giving money.

I mean, how many arrests were there at six? It's the great Chris Rock joke. You get fired at McDonald's for doing that. Why not the Catholicism of the Vatican? Yeah. It's about time someone takes down these molestine priests. Hell yeah. Bill Byrd, a great point about Sinead O'Connor

ripping the Pope up was like the biggest, you know, controversy on the planet. She got fired from SNLs. Her career went through the toilet. But these didlin' kids. So she was kind of on something there. Yeah. That was an early cancellation.

Mm-hmm. I feel that way. Someone else pointed that out too. This might be controversial or whatever, but with the war in Iraq, when France didn't sign on, everyone was like, fuck up, freedom fries, and like, maybe we owe them an apology. Like, ah, we fucked up.

Sorry about that. Well, it's funny how it's flipped because before Sinead O, that bald coos, she ripped up the Pope and it was like the religious people, the conservatives, fuck her, and now it's the other way. Right. Now it's like, hey, Obama, AOC, anal. Yeah, who knows?

Yeah, yeah, you can't win. I have to know what the hell's going on out there. But anyways, we're corporate now, and I'm not gonna swear. Oh, really? All right, all right. I'm going clean as a whistle from here on out. I'll give you 11 seconds.

Well, I'll do my best, but I'm getting used to the mic too. It's white, which is strange. Yeah, yeah, I like white, better than nevermind. But I'll say this, I know you got a couple of nuggets. You did a fucking comedy special. You did a goddamn European tour over here. Is that Europe? Oh, that's big time.

Yeah. Germany's like, right in the, that's Europe, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's just so many. There's UK, there's Europe, there's Great Britain, there's Italy, there's England. It's a lot of stuff. But we got Bosnia. Who knows what's going on in Bosnia?

That's not Europe. That's Europe. No. Oh, yeah. What's Europe? Europe is Bosnia to UK. It's a whole Latvia. Really?

Oh, yeah, this is all kind of Belarus. It's fascinating. Like, it's almost the way New York is. You walk three blocks, and you're in Chinatown. Then you go two feet that way. You're in Little Italy. And then you're in, you know, Koreatown. It's all pipes, Jerry.

But you know my theory, I've said this before, I know many places. But Israel is Asia. Like Jesus Christ is Asian. I know, it's fascinating. It's not, Middle East is not a continent. Yeah, you're right. And when you say Jesus is Asian, people shit blood.

They go, what are you crazy? He's a good driver. Yeah, Russians are Asian. Yeah, well, they kind of look at you. They look at a Mongolian. You start going real East with the Russia. Because Russia's fucking huge. It's just a giant, big old birthmark

on the face of the earth. And yeah, you get a little Mongol. Hello, I am from Russia. I am Asian. Oh, let's talk to all. Well, that's it. Pretty good Russian. Well, there you go, folks.

The fire alarm's about to go off. But. Chinese fire alarm. A fire drill. What was that? Fire drill. That's when you run around the car? Yeah, did we coin that, or is that a real thing?

We coin that. I don't know where the Chinese part. I don't know what the Chinese part is. I don't either. And then you got the Chinese New Year, which will pop up in June, like a goddamn whack-a-mole. Like, where'd that come from? And then we're all a squirrel, or a snake, or a dragon.

Yeah, I think I'm an otter. You're a twink. Who could keep up? All right, so give me a couple of nuggets. So I'll give you some nugs. So I just want to throw this out there. All over the road, I did Atlanta. Hot Atlanta.

Hot Atlanta, one night only, my first theater. That's a big sock in your ass. Big sock of jizz up my face. And I've done the Paramount in Austin, but it was COVID. So it was half capacity, whatever the fuck, 40% Omnicrum. So we did the Buckhead. I love Atlanta. I love the South.

I go back to my roots. I get there. It's like black people with Africa. I go to the South, and I go, woo-hoo, Edward. And it's just great. And we had Caleb sign it open. He killed. He had that thing where he killed so hard,

then after the show, they're like, who was the opener? I was like, gah. Yeah. A lot of that. But it's brutal. Always better than he killed. And Green Room's great. It's a different world.

Theater is, you're the show. It's an event. Thank you. Praise Allah. You know, your people are dressed up. Great. Jesus. What was that?

What if we're allergic to the place? We're allergic to corporations. What if they're putting something in me? I think playing out is putting something in the salt. What's he saying? Yeah, we both had a couple of treats there. Yeah, I'm reacting to something. I can feel it.

Me too. I'm swollen. I got some antihistamines if you want to shove it in your asshole. Bring it on. Maybe I'll snort one. Maybe this was like a cat farm or something in here before that or a doghouse. Well, there's a lot of dust.

I assume we drilled a hole and there's some dust here. There's the dust. Shelby's rolling his eyes already. He can't stand us. Dusty bottoms. Dusty baker. Oh, shit. So we do the Buckhead.

It's just great. And I love the Atlanta flight. It's like two seconds long. You're in Atlanta. It's a hub. I rented a car. Eric. Yeah, my buddy shows up.

He flies down. He films the whole thing. It was just a great event. And I love Jerry. I love these people have. I waited outside. They shake your hand. A lot of Tuesdays.

A meet and greet at the theater. I did a meet and greet. I can't not do it. I feel guilty. No, it's hard. Yeah. You know what I do sometimes? I'll stand in the back.

That way, if they see me, they'll come. So they can't say I didn't meet in Greek. That's good. But sometimes what still kills me, and maybe I don't know where you're at now, and maybe you sell all the tickets, I still got 20% of the people hate me. They don't know who I am.

So they don't want to. It's like I'm in Cleveland. And it's some guy that lives in Parma, Ohio. And he's got whatever hat on. And he doesn't want to talk to me. So I feel like a nerd being like, good day, mate. And he's like, get out of here, you asshole. So that's why I don't like to stand out there.

You want them to come to you, for sure. Because you don't want to bother anybody. But who the hell's showing up to your show, then mad at you? Well, they're not mad at me. They're just like, I don't want to say hello to this guy. He's a fucking quiff. That's fair. I get it.

I don't want to say hello to me either. So just a great time. And then Umar hits me up. Don't you love what this happens? My buddy Umar Khan, he's in town, opening for Chad Daniels at the punchline. Wow, that's a weekend. That's a festival.

That's a weekend, baby. So of course, I hit up Chad. And he's like, ah, I got fucking wrecked last night. I'm like shitting poo here. I got to go to bed and then re-up and get some electrodes. It's a good thing to shit, by the way, poo. It's true. It's the way you want to be shitting.

But so he bails. So Khan's like, I'll meet you over there. He shows up. I go, hey, he's cool. You know, I know he's brown. But let him in. They let him in. We hang out in the green room.

We drink. They finally kick us out of the green room. And here's the clinker. We go to this bar. I'm talking like Divey Atlanta Bar. And Buckhead is kind of the richer area of town. The affluent, afflact. And we go there.

And it's nothing but white guys in blazers and polos and blonde chicks and heels dancing. Sounds like I'm fucking outside here. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think I saw a Hispanic lady out there. But this was just like blonde, uppity honkeys. And you're like, oh, yeah, the South. You know, there's no, it's not like diverse.

It's just like they're listening to Third Eye Blind, fist pumping, and dancing, having the time of their life. I love the South. And it's just a fun time down there, because it doesn't feel as all tight and queefed up. It doesn't feel queefed up. That's what I'm getting at. Umar said it best.

It's like 1994 in here. Everybody's just having a good time. The music was also of that era. And you know, you see a guy hit on a girl. Can I buy you a drink? Oh, yeah. Now they're talking. There was no Tinder, and cancel, and anal.

It was just fun people having fun. They weren't worried about everything. Hey, is that body shaming? We don't have a POC in here. It was just a fun time. God, that sounds like a great time. And how many people are we talking here? 1,000 people?

800 people at the show? Oh, the show is 900. Whoa! But it sounds like a big load of jizz. But you think you do a 300 seat weekend. And that's what? Thursday sold out, Friday late sold out. Now we're at 900 already.

Right. But still, 900 at a show is insane. Forget about it. And you can feel it, and it's 900 that know you and like you. This is, you know, I used to own for Schumer, or Louie, or Tom Papa, or whoever the fuck. And it was like, I'm the guy who has to set the table, and eat shit for 20 minutes, and then they bring on the people

they like. Right. Well, this is what the dream has been. We've said this in every interview, every phone call, whatever we've ever had is, well, I just want to perform for people that came to see me. I mean, that's what we've been saying since we were 17 years old. You got that right, Danny.

We're like astronaut wives with that like planned answer. Well, that's what I'd really like is for people to come see me. Right. Instead of trying to win over some Tom Dick and Harry that are like, who's this asshole? I want to see Jeff Foxworthy. So, I mean, you did it speaking of Atlanta. I mean, you did it.

Oh, thanks. Well, we did it once. But I think you do need to go through the ranks. You need to kill for strangers and be able to open up a show that people don't know yet. Of course. But we did all that. We put our time in, gosh darn it.

A lot of time. Woo, too much time. Time is on my side. Yes, it is. All right, so got way too hammered, drove the car back. Best drunk driver in America, by the way. Oh, come on. Got the car back and crashed.

And then here's the clinker. You've got to drive to Charlotte the next day. Why do I have to do that? Because I did the one night theater, and then Friday, Saturday, Charlotte Comedy Zone. Oh, you talk about humility. I mean, you go from the theater to the comedy zone. Well, it's the best zone.

Oh, it's a good zone. You've never been? Never been to the zone. Hell of a zone. I've been to some terrible zones. I mean, those are typically piss poor. Twilight Zone. Did you have the Bone Zone?

That's a car dealership in New Orleans. BOHN was a guy who was John Bone. He was like, come over to the Bone Zone, which sounds naughty now. No, Bone is, that's local. We had Dave Dinger Ford. Dave Dinger. Dave Dinger Ford in Braitree.

Both of these guys could be gay porn stars. So we got John Bone and Dave Dinger. Someone make a poster. John, Dave, Dave Dinger, and John Bone. I mean, that's great. Yeah, they'll fuck in the tailpipe. I mean, even Shelby almost smiled. It was face moved.

I don't know, he might have had something wrong. I think he had an itch. All right, so I wanted to drive because I got my content guy. You got to have content. I hate the content. I hate the continent. By the way, I had a content guy in Cleveland. I haven't heard from him since.

He came with a camp corner. He never turned it on. He just asked me about you. And I haven't seen the video. It was about six months ago. Did you get a paycheck, a sub, a receipt? The worst part, by the way, was that's the best club in the fucking world hilarious.

Oh, that's great. And then at the end, they hand you a thumb drive with the show on it. He's like, oh, by the way, we videotaped the show, two cameras, HD, and I'm like, well, what's this guy doing? This guy just made off with all my secrets. Yeah. And I haven't heard from him.

Where are you? I forget his name. He had to hang out with him. That's the other part. These camera guys get a little fast and loose in the green room. They put their feet up. They're making coffee. They're making biscuits.

Going, how are you? How's your mom? You're like, get out of here. Shoot the show. I mean, he didn't even, the camera, it was like under his, he was carrying like a football. He's like this, ah, so what time is Mark come home? Typically, I'm like, I don't know.

Mark's doing, why aren't you shooting? And I had some, I had some good puns I came up with. You know, I was in the back going, hey, I better, I forget what it was, but some funny bits that I think would be good. So wherever you are, Steve Dinger, someone from Cleveland, I forget his name. I'll look it up.

Dinger called in. He must be related to David, I assume. But yeah, you know, shoot the show, not shoot the shit. That's what I say. Oh, I like that. Thank you, put it on a shirt. So don't shoot the school, but what are you going to do? I'm trying to figure out where the feet go.

Hey, hey, another one of these. Hey, another one of that. Yeah. Did we buy this? Woo. Oh, great. Hi, Ed. We bought a lot of stuff because our payment

was about a fraction of what we make. Yeah, we're in the hole now, folks. Yeah. All right. Join the Patreon. For God's sakes, we can't afford this. New stuff cooking. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, so we got to Charlotte. By the way, that drive was a nightmare. I drove. It could have flown for 48 minutes, but I wanted the content. So you rent the car, you drive in the rain, you almost crash, you're hungover, you want to kill yourself.

I hate car content. All that backstage content is so tough because you really need to film every minute. Because as soon as you turn it off, you feel that looseness. And then all of a sudden, you're like, every time at the time, I hemorrhaged on my father's asshole on Christmas, and they're like, that's good stuff. And then you have to repeat it.

This shirt is making me uncomfortable. Well, it's an H&M. I got it for $4 in the grab box. But it's a Christmas party. It's a little wrinkly. Hopefully I'm pitting out here. So hopefully that derinkles. Are you working the party or are you invited to the party?

I'm invited to the party. It's for the lady's work party. So it's going to be a real dick fest. Can I ask a personal question? Please. Why is she working? Tell her to quit. What do you mean?

She could be a housewife. You make money. Are you going to go to corporate parties? I'd rather pay my wife's rent, room, and board, and meals than go to one corporate party a year. Tell her to quit. I'm with you. But I'm going to go there for one hour.

I'm going to eat all the food, drink all the booze, and I tail it out of there with a bag full of cupcakes under my arm. I guess that's not bad. But I know it sucks. The corporate party's a nightmare. I want to shoot myself in the tits. But it's one hour a year.

I could handle it. And I need her to work, you know? Give her a ride. You don't want to be the lady because she buys shit. Your gal, whereas she puts a hoodie on and has a cup of hot tea and watches a movie. My gal's like, I need a mink coat and a dildo and a black guy. They need all this shit.

Right. You got House of Gucci. I saw that film. That's the hell of a picture. Is that right? I thought I had a good time over there. I don't know. Oh, I prefer House of Gucci.

But yeah, it's a lot of stuff. And you want her to have her own money. And also, what's she going to do all day? We got a cat and a couch. Doesn't she write? She does bits. She has a podcast. She exercises, I'm sure.

She watches Netflix and Chills. All right, all right. All right, well, maybe I'll run it by her. But I like her working. I like a working woman. Yeah, of course. Working girl. That's a fun movie, Melanie Griffith.

It was a Griffith or Griffin. That's a good question. I think it's Griffith. Oh, I thought it was Griffin. Wait, wait. I think it's Griffith. Melanie Griffith. I think it's this.

I'm thinking of Kathy. Well, there's Peter Griffith. Yes, he's fat. Oh, he's so funny. Oh, he's great. That's a hell of a program. A lot of jokes. Maybe the most jokes per capita.

So many jokes. I always say, you watch an episode of Family Guy. You're going to laugh out loud one time, at least. At least, at least. Yep. Simpsons is great, but there's not as many zingers that quick. No, Family Guy is now better than The Simpsons.

Like, total. I don't mean now it has passed as a whole to me. That's the better show, in my opinion. You know, Hates Family Guy's at Matt Groening or Groening? Oh, really? The owner, the maker, creator of The Simpsons. Yes. Yeah, well, that's fair.

So Charlotte comedies, when we drive there in the rain, hung over. Nothing worse than driving hung over. We get there. It's a really great club. Yeah, I heard things. I heard things. It's a great club.

Charlotte's a cool town, just kind of a humble, understated southern town. They got the Panthers. They got the Hornets. They're just good eggs over there. A lot of southern hospitality. There's a good white and black mix. It feels like a real city.

And the club is just built perfectly. We do four shows, two Friday, two Saturday. Friday first show, banger. Friday late show, banger. Get drunk, talk to the owner. What comics do you hate, the whole thing? Now, how about this? I want to run this by you.

I go to Chipotle on Saturday morning, have a nice sleep in. Morning. Yeah, I go there at like 11 AM. That's breakfast. Oh, I like a nice 11. Yeah. So I go there, and they go, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

Can't come in there, Fatty. And I go, what's the problem? They go, we're understaffed. Understaffed. We can't handle a walk-in. And I go, you can't handle a walk-in. Country's going down the tubes. It's in the shitter, folks.

Christopher walk-in. So now there's eight guys milling about at Chipotle. We're all hungover. We're all, you know, gay. And so I go, what do I do? And they go, make an online order. Right, I've dealt with this. I know this.

Send it in, and we'll cook it up, and you grab your bag, and get the fuck out of Dutch. Now, can I interject here? Please. Because you and I, we've been a lot at Chipotle's together, all over the globe. All over the Green Earth. And where would Chipotle buddies, if you will?

Yes, buddies. Which I think, I think John again, Tommy John again, has always been a little upset about it. Because that was our thing on the road. And then we became Chipotle. I ditched a Chipotle bud for a Chipotle bud. In my defense, he's not much on the road. He had a couple of rug rats.

And he's sane and fucking his wife. He's stapled down now. And boy, we really met. What a great loss to stand up, Tommy. If you're listening, for God's sakes, just go back on the road and show the people how to do comedy, for God's sakes. I might say, I don't know about Phenom,

but he is a natural. He just got it. He understands joke writing so well. Well, he's one of these guys who doesn't do a set for three months, and goes, I'll go on, does 12 minutes, and just burns the room to the ground, and then leaves, and goes, I'll do a set in a couple of weeks. But anyways, come back, Tommy.

Do a big thing with one of those swinging cameras where it comes down and re-get the crown, for God's sakes. Yeah, we miss you. Check out his albums. What is it, one, two, three, and nine? One, two, and three, I think there's only three. Three albums, All Killer, Lights Out, Great Comic. Amazing, but anyways, We Would Chipotle, Bud,

what was I getting at? Oh, but you and I, the way we order, we do a little finagling with the faces and the jokes. You go, can I get extra rice, because you can throw hot coffee in my face. I'm not gonna get anything else, I just want rice. So just load me up, you do a little flirting, a little work.

So the online, plus I like to go, ah, God, I'm a piece of shit. Step on my balls until I come. Could you mix it up a little bit? I like when it's mixed, you know the mix? And they go, oh, I don't mind mixing. And then I go, mix race, and we all go, ah, you know, it's fun, we make a night out of it.

It's really fun, and you know, I like to really look at their tits while they're scooping in the nuggets, but the nibblets, you scoop the nibblets. But any jizz, when you do it online, you don't get, you don't get it what you need. It's like a performance at a club versus a zoom performance.

You're not getting the connection, you're not in the room. By the way, when the burrito making is face-to-face, they put a little integrity into it, you know? They're working, when that shit's behind glass and you're going, what the fuck's going on over there? They're just, they're really phoning it in. Not to mention sometimes they'll put it in a bag

and the bag just sits at the end of the desk and you're banging the window because they need someone to plug in that it's finished. Now let me ask you that one, sloppy jalopy. They got a bunch of shelves with these bags on it, you know, this was Bob, this was Greg, this is Bill. Couldn't you just walk in, there's no checking,

there's no ID, I've never seen one. Are you Bob? I think people do that. First and foremost, it's shelves with a V. What did I say? Shelfs. Oh, shelves Vs. Okay.

Well, I thought that would be fun and now I just feel like a jerk. Well, I'm glad you're correct, but I didn't know I said shelves. Well, I feel like a jerk off because I thought something would happen that would be funny, but now I just look like a douche. Elves on a shelves.

Yeah, well, I stick. Ah, we'll cut this out. That's a correction. I was wrong, you were right. There we go. I hate myself. Well, they're making it worse now. Is it hot there?

Is my Molly kicking it? It's insane how hot it is and it's crazy how well I can hear these people through the walls. I know, I heard some of the Johnson report. Johnson rod. But any jizz, yes, I think people do that. I think homeless people do that quite a bit.

I would do it all day long. Yeah, I would do that instead of a costing me. God damn psychos. So I just said, I'm out of there and you know, you got the whole goddamn day to burn. So I look on my phone, next Chipotle one mile away, I start walking. I get to that Chipotle.

They got servers over there or whatever his staff. So it all worked out. And it was just a great weekend, top to bottom. But here we go. Saturday early show, killer. Tuesdays, photos sold out of merch. Saturday late. Woo, doggie.

Nightmare, slug fest, the bachelorette party, the hot chicks who don't give a shit about comedy. The drunk lady in the back stood up for my feature act and she was like, you don't know what yet. And he goes, shut the fuck up bitch, sit your ass down. Now the husband's going, don't talk to my wife that way. And he goes, your wife's a fucking cooze. And he goes, ah.

Oh boy. And then they're throwing him out. And then you gotta make that. I mean, it was a fucking shit show. You gotta be careful with the guns. People have guns. You say, hey, your wife's a dumb god. He could bust a cap.

That's true. Did people say bust a cap anymore? You know what it is? The black folk, they come up with this cool lingo and then Whitey jumps on it and they go. That's what we do. Black people do to lingo what we do to neighborhoods. Right.

You know, Whitey's got the good neighborhood, a couple of Schwarz's moving. They go, all right, time to get to the burbs. And then white people take the lingo and Black people go, all right, we gotta come up with a new slang. Right, so what's the new gun slang? I think it's something with. Bust a cap.

No, my whip is the car. Whip is car. Whip. Yeah, they go, I pull up my whip. You know, like I whip around the block here. Oh, I see. Seems a little offensive with the history. Yeah, I say whip or snapper.

Ah, yeah, what is gun? I smoke you. That was the 90s. That meant turn it sideways. Hmm, smoke you. Good movie, sideways. Bust a cap. I'm sure, call in if you know a gentleman of color.

Throw in. Throw in shade. Throw in heat. Throw in heat. Yeah, throw in a curveball. Bust a cap. I'm gonna pop one, show him who's boss. Remember Medieval on your ass?

That was huge for 10 minutes. Yeah, well, that was just Pulp Fiction. I always have a problem with this when people say grown ass. I thought that was just Chris Rock. He's like, he's a grown ass man. And then it became, everyone started saying that. I think that was out there. Are you sure?

Well, he probably made it bigger, but I think that was out there. You're a grown ass man. You gotta get your shit together. I think he made it pop. Because I don't remember hearing grown ass, but I was 12, I wasn't in the African-American circles. But I think he popularized grown ass.

Maybe, maybe. But it felt like everyone started saying grown ass, and I'm like, I think that's Chris's thing. Yeah, you ever heard Ismo? Ismo, I know Gizmo from the Gremlins, which I just watched. Don't get him wet. But Ismo is this comic.

I think he's Danish. Give this a goog, Shelbo. I don't see you got a laptop there. I think he's Danish or Finnish, maybe Finnish. Yes, Finnish carpenter. And he did a Conan, and it's wild. It's like all about ass, because he's foreign. So he's like, I don't understand the English language.

You got a thick accent. He's like, you got, I'll beat your ass, and then I got some ass. And it sounds kind of 80s, but it's really clever. But he does grown ass. And his ass backwards. And that's in there. Is it?

Yes, he got them all. I mean, it's a real masterpiece this guy's put together. It's very carlony. A piece of ass. There you go. Shelby, what's going on over there? Do you have a mic? Your ass is crass.

Yes, here's a mic. Aha, Finnish. Finnish, no kidding. Finland. I wonder if Simon said hates them. The rivals. Yeah, interesting. Here's what's weird about Finland.

It's more Russian than it is Scandinavian. I think we've had this conversation before. I don't think we have. Yeah, it's like the language and the, what do you call it? The feel, the vibe. It's like Tuka Rask. It sounds very Russian, Finland.

I didn't know that. The language is more like, there's a lot of those K's and. Oh really? I don't fuck with the Finns, as they say. Like, I don't know anything. What did Finnish people do? Finnish line?

Well, there's hockey. I just know Tuka Rask and there's a few Finnish hockey players. You don't see a lot of comedy coming out of Finland. They don't seem like a fun bunch. No. Maybe they like vodka. But that's what I mean. They're Russian.

They're very Russian vibe. They're very cold and hard, which as are the Germans, which I'll get into in a little bit. But I picture Russian as like some big Boris, you know, big fucking brunette guy. And then I picture a Finnish guy as a skinny blonde dude. No, I think that's more Norway, Sweden.

That's what I'm saying. The blonde. The Finns are not blonde. Interesting. I think they're like dark. I could be completely way off on this. Ah, we'll give it a good look. But I think they're more like dark-haired Nazi types

than they are the like, who's gonna get out in golden. Right, right. I think Ikea. Yeah, there's like, you picture like the sweater with the thing and like, are we going for a ski? Hello, welcome.

Yes. That's Sweden, Norway. That's not a little Indian, but I'm not good with the voices. But I think Finland is more like, oh, the big hats, the fur hats. Oh, the hats. Yeah, and the hockey and the fights.

Battery Park, 50 bucks. Yeah. Okay. Well, either way, I got my ass kicked on that late show on Saturday and I just, I pulled a diva move. I was like, no pics. I'm done.

Yeah, I've done those. You just run into the green room, you close the door and you kind of go, because it's an hour of babysitting and they're drunk and they're hyped up and they're aggressive. Well, I think what's happening for you is in some of these markets,

you sell out three shows, but then that last show in a smaller market, like Charlotte. Yes. There's still a few tickets missing. So you sprinkle in like 60, oh, we'll go to a show. Yes, yes.

And then you're just talking about the Nazis, fucking the Jews or whatever. And they're going, well, I have never. Yeah, there's a lot of that. Plus they're drunk idiots. Yeah, it's just weird that the last tickets, as you say, are bought by fucking animals. Right.

Like why can't they just be bought by nice people also? Yeah, well, some of them probably are, but only 10, what's that old saying? 10% of the people cause 90% of the problem. You got that right. Jews. Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor. These walls, if they could quave.

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You deserve it. Hey, folks. That was a great time to sign up for the Tuesdays of the story's Patreon. Patreon.com slash Tuesdays. Because we have a bunch of new stuff, as you can see, we're in the new studio, new sign. We're gonna be in here for at least a couple weeks

before they throw us out. We're doing all kinds of bonus stuff plus the backlog of all the live episodes and the commentaries. We're gonna be doing a lot more of that. We have to. We gotta pay for this place somehow. Mark, tell them a little more.

We got all kinds of names. We got so many hours. We got video. We got hot case sets. We're running around New York. We're running on the road. We got Seinfeld videos. We critique a curb a few times.

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Oh, yeah, new. We're both gonna be new, having sex in the ass. Yeah, I don't know what that set shall be. It said new, I saw it. New stuff. New, a lot of new stuff coming. And we're gonna kick it up an notch. 2022 is a new year with new content, with new queefs.

Get on it, tell a friend, anal. Nude. Oh, you know what's hard about this set? I don't have the clock. We gotta get a clock. I love the clock. I love the clock. I feel all out of sorts.

I feel like I'm in Finland in the 80s. Last thing I'll say, very Russian. Last thing I'll say, and then we'll turn it over to the big germ. But try to guess how many sets I did last night. Give it, give it to me straight. Last night. Well, I was there for three of them.

Oh, that's true. And so there's at least four, but you wouldn't say it for four. Five feels closer, but that's still not it. I wanna say seven. I'm doing the thing where you get to have two answers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanna say seven, but I'll go with six.

But my initial instinct is eight. That way I cover three. That's quite a spread you got there. Well, my final answer is six, but also I'm saying seven and eight. So that way it's, you know what I mean? Pretty good. I'm gonna start doing that with my dick.

Ah, you know, the final answer is five, but I'm gonna go with 19. All right, eight. Whoa, eight. I said eight. You said, you got it. I knew it. How about this?

Fuckin' five sets on the books. Two at the stand, three at the cellar. Mm-hmm. Not an easy night, but still doable. Sure. And I'll tell you what would make it easier is the goddamn hog. Ah.

Oh yeah, no hog. No hog, so I'm running, I'm zipping, I'm training, I'm all over the road. So boom. Oh, also I did the bonfire. So I don't know if that counts as a set, but it was a live pod. Yeah, that's not a set, but I see what you mean.

Throw that in there, eight and a half, we'll call it. Sure. Good movie. That was our kick. All right, so boom, cellar, boom, another cellar, boom, two at the stand, bam, back to the cellar, boom, back to the stand, bam, back to the cellar, and then they go, hey, Aziz pulled out. You got to, can you do two spots?

Bring it on. I wish your dad had pulled out. Yeah. So it all locked in, then I hung out and got drunk with Shane Gillis. Wow, what a night. What a comedy town. A COVID-8.

Yes. A COVID-8 is like a 2019, 11. Ooh, I'll take it. Cause COVID it's tougher, now all the bullshit and the yucky and the business. Yeah. So eight is really something. So what time was the first spot?

What time was the last spot? Well, the bonfire was at seven, so I did the mic on that from seven to eight, 10. Just chiming in, sniping from the back with a microphone, making fun of Seldar's face. And then, second, the first spot was at 8.15. Okay. Then 9.05, then 9.30, then at the stand at nine,

then at the upstairs of the stand at whatever that was, then back to the cellar, three more, back to the stand, one more at the cellar. Wow. It was insane. Isn't it fun to be a guy that gets three at the cellar? Yeah, well, it was only because the brown kid bailed. Right.

But I'll take it. By the way, I had my first conversation with Aziz. It was quite pleasant. He's a sweet guy. He never spoke to me before. My whole life, I thought he hated me. Me too. We were there, he sat down, he's like,

so what's going on? We shot our specials the same night. Oh, that's right. So we really bonded. And I say that so I can take back the zinger. I thought it was a funny zinger, but now I feel like I need to say, what a swell guy. Yeah, he's cool.

He's been through worse. So yeah, he's a good egg and he's been humbled a little. I think it made him sweeter. But great guy, good stuff. He did some kind of special thing. Yeah, he shot the night I shot. I think he's doing like an experimenty. I'm working out special.

I think so. They made the lighting. Did you any sets with the lighting like that at the cellar? No. So they lit the room for him, because I think he was talking to some crowd or one of the crowd lit. So we did a few sets where the whole crowd

was lit at the cellar. Oh, I don't like that. Very strange. It was kind of fun, but very weird. That's funny, because this is lit. It's good. But that's not good. Lit.

Is this a finished bit? Yeah. All right. The bit's finished, that's for sure. Does he remone? So yeah, so I think that was all I had to get out. Where's my phone here? Ah, shit in my mouth.

I don't know. It's gone. It's gone. There it is. I just want to make sure I got it all out there, Fetty. Eh. Oh, last thing I want to say. Please.

Did a set. I don't know if I should divulge this. Uh-oh. I did a set at the Soho House or the Dumbo House in Brooklyn. I don't know the Dumbo House, not the Bambi House, but not the Dumbo House. It's one of these high-end clubs. It's like a club med or something.

You've got to have a membership. Club med. It's very high up. What do you call it? High society. You go in, they go, hey, and I'm on the list. It's all velvet and lighting and oils, and there's a big beautiful bar, and there's

a view of the fucking Brooklyn Bridge. It's very upscale, very nice. You've got to be a member of blah, blah, blah. They have to approve you. Jesus Christ. I know. You hear about shit like that, and you're like, that's going away, but it's there.

Right. So I want to tip the bartender, but all I have is a 50. Oh, my god. I'm not going to give this guy a 50 or the waiter. So I go up to the bar, and I go, hey, can you break this? And the guy goes, eh. All right. Cash is out.

People hate cash. Cash is dog shit. But they like it if it's a cash, if you're tipping in cash. Yes. Because cash they can keep or whatever. That's what I was trying to do, but he was like, all right. Now he has to go to Kuwait to go find an ATM. The last one, blow the cobwebs off it,

get the cash out. So there's a lady sitting there, good looking, cute, modern woman. Sure. And she's eating a bowl of pasta. Gross. And I'm just, she's doing her thing. I'm waiting for the change, and she goes,

you want some pasta? And I go, uh, OK. You know, you don't offer me food. So she's got some killer rig of Tony there. So I start going in, and she's like, I know. I walk around all day hoping someone will offer me a bowl of pasta. That's never happened.

Totally. I know. It was weird, but what's the word? I'm game. Like, I don't, well, you know, it's like, you picked the wrong guy. Like, I think she thought she was being cute, but I'm like, I'm in.

Does she share a fork or she have two forks? I use the fork. In COVID times, you took her fork. If you would go down on a woman, I feel like you could eat off her fork. Well, yeah, I don't believe in germs. I'm a germ guy. I sit in the toilet.

I lick it. I throw my own shit in my father's face. I like germs. I've never washed my hands in my life. Same. I've done that to the fake. If I did it for 10 minutes in March, 2020, I washed my hands. I went, all right, that's enough of that.

I don't purell either if we're getting out of this. Oh, I find this stuff gross. I hate purels. It's jizz. It feels like jizz. I try to do a bit about it, and it ate shit because everyone thought I was idiotic. Right, right.

No, I put my face under that thing just because I'm used to that. But the hands, I don't want it. I got spoken to because I did this as a bit like 40 years ago. I was like, purell, I find it gross. It's grosser than germs. And somebody sat me down. It was like, he read a study that said,

if the cream, whatever the fuck the shit is. Are you the goo? The goo. If the goo was in pill form, they would consider it the greatest pill since the bulk. Salt. That's crazy. Fucking the root of salt.

Yeah. Did you know this, that polio? I just learned this. Polio only fucked up like 5% of people. It's very similar to COVID. Like polio was quite innocuous for the majority of people. I just listened to it on a podcast with an epidemiologist. We had a president with polio.

I know, well, he had it bad. He had a bad case of polio. All right, all right. Well, the vaccine killed a lot of people, too, by the way. I think a handful of people. OK, well, a handful of people had polio. In the tens. Well, more than a handful, like 5% was millions.

Oh, I see. All right, all right. But it wasn't unlike whatever the fuck, COVID. Yeah, interesting. Yeah, the vaccine, it was a big deal. Polio. Jew from Brooklyn. Salk.

Salk? Salk. I think it's Salk. Jonas. Jonas Salk. Thank you. I only know it from the Larry David bit. Yeah.

See, comedy's informative. Jews, we love Jews. So the lady goes, hey, you want some pasta? I go, yeah, no, I got a fucking red mouth over here with the pasta sauce. And I got the napkin in my shirt. I'm really going to town. And she's like, oh, you can tell she's

kind of bored with life. She's like, what are you doing here? I'm like, I'm doing the show. She's a comedian. And I go, yeah, she goes, I love Dave Chappelle. I think he's important. I think we need him. And I'm like, like, she's going off.

And then she goes, all right, I'm going to go get a cigarette. I'm like, who are you? You offer pasta? You love Dave Chappelle? You hate trans people? And you're going to smoke? Like, it feels like I'm talking to a woman from the 80s.

I know. I feel like you're making this lady up just to, like, get me hot and bothered. It's working. No makeup. It did feel surreal. I'm like, is this a camera? Like, who's fucking with me here?

She had no makeup? It felt made up. But no, she was wearing makeup. Oh, good. So then she just goes, well, maybe I'll call you. And I was like, I'm in a relationship and all that. And I just panicked. And I got out of there.

And I feel bad. She probably was like, oh, I'm ugly or whatever. But you know, I'm engaged and whatnot. And I had the pasta farts. So I just ran out of there. But there's no better feeling, man. You're in the elevator like, I don't know the feeling. But it sounds great.

Well, we'll pay a lady. But it was just a fascinating little endeavor. Experience. Experience. Yeah, I picture her, by the way, putting the cigarette out in the pasta, like kind of a sexy move. She puts it out in the marinara.

Yeah. Can we talk about real quick, just a side note, my biggest cliche in movies that I just hope ends and I hate it. Tarantino started, I think. And everyone does it. Is the sizzle sound when people smoke? It does not exist. Yes.

They do it. I watched House of Gucci. And they do it for one sizzle. And then the next drag, it doesn't sizzle. I've smoked cigarettes. I've smoked cigars. It does not make a sizzle. That's a good point.

You'd have to really get in there with some equipment to hear it. And it's just a hack, cliche, dumb thing. Right. You know the sizzle? Yeah, I know this. It does sound cool. And it adds something, but it's not real.

So then it's weird. It also feels like, it's like we talk about it. I'm like, I think that's Tarantino's. I don't get it. He did it. Yeah, you're doing it. I don't know what's going on here. I wonder who the first to have a sizzle is.

I don't know the sizzle, but I don't care for the sizzle. I hate the sizzle. But anyways, I just picture her putting it out in marinara and blowing smoke. Yes. Maybe your wife will die. Yeah, who knows? Who knows?

Yeah, but she was just like, I'll fuck this, dude. You could tell. It wasn't me. It was just like, I'm bored. I live alone. She kept saying, I live alone. I live alone. I'm like, whoa.

This is like a dream, lady. I'd kill for this experience. It felt like a trap, though. It was too put on a silver platter. Now, do you ever say, I had this in Germany with the lay? Well, I'll get into that in a minute, because it's a whole big to-do. More women should be doing this.

Women are so fucking retarded with this shit. Like, oh, I'm waiting for the shining armor, come, guzzling, douche, all that. Get out there, ladies. If you hit on us, the hit rate will be way higher. You just bust these. Yeah, just say. I think that's what bumble is.

Isn't it bumble? Yes. What about a thing called fumble? I don't know the rest of the details, but it sounds like a bit or a sketch. I like it. I like it. Fumble, yeah.

You say horrible stuff. You blow it up. You ruin it. Yeah. That's good. Fumble's good. Fumble. Maybe I'll put something together.

By the way, ladies, they would initiate. That's the whole thing. Horrific at initiating, because they never had to. It's not part of their world. So they'd be like, how's your Tuesday? You're like, that's all you got. Come on. You're trying to get me wet here.

All right. I got to get it out. You want some rigatoni? That would get me right where I need to be. And it got me. I mean, she had a to-go box. She didn't need it at the end. I ate that shit with a silver spoon.

Yeah. I'd like to take home her box. All right. Checking facts on it. Oh, wow. This is exciting. I did an interview. And now the guys, I got a fact checker reaching out.

I love a fact checker. That's fun. We need more of that. We need a fact checker, too. How about that? Anyway, I wanted to look at my notes, and I got to stop by a fact checker. Yeah.

Lay it on me here, because I mean, we got a special. We got a Germany. We got a herpy. Hit me with it. Well, some of you might have to wait, because this is all. I mean, I got some epic banana shit. All right. I don't know where we're at with the time.

No, it's perfect. We got plenty of time. I don't think we're recording again until the 70s. By the way, I have to let people know that we are off. Oh, wait. That already happened, though. By the time this comes out. Yeah, I think it happened.

So we're back. Welcome. Hey, good to be back. It's a new year, new venue. Yeah. Well, it's almost a new year. I think this will come out. I can't figure stuff out anymore.

Right. Either way, we're knocking on the door of a new year. It's the 28th. There we go. I had my last drink nine years ago today. The 28th. Isn't that weird? Nine years?

It goes by too fast. Whoa. Isn't that weird? It was over nine years ago. We had two 58-year-old women up in our hotel room smelling their little boxes. Well, that was a little. I had a fist and a coffee table in that thing.

That must have been 14 years ago. Wow. What a wild romp. Those women are dead. They were so old then. They must be dead now. You know what's weird is I had a girlfriend that I was in love with.

That was my whole life. But we broke up. And then you and I became friends like right after. There was no intersection of that. I was the rebound. You were my rebound. Yeah, I'll take it. I blew you.

Pretty good. Yeah. Anyways, all right. Well, first I got to give a shout out to what's that? That looks like a swastika. You got the thing messed up. It's not reading. Shelby just sent us some symbolic, some symbol.

Oh. 21st. No, we take Christmas week off. So 28. It's a tradition. It's a tradition. Yes. And I thought that was how much time

we have left in the show. I can't figure out the arms. I keep sliding off the arm over here. Yeah, not a good slide there. Bad slide. It's also 1,050 degrees in here. I am pitting. Brad, pitting out.

Did your pits look horrendous? I didn't want to say anything. You look like a fat mailman. I look like John Goodman in a theater show in the South. Like a Southern lawyer. I do declare. All right, so let's hear. I mean, I want to say I was at both specials, bangers.

Thank you. Yeah, I want to shout out to all the gays that came out. I mean, two's gays are plenty everywhere, and both shows packed. I bought a six foot by three foot Joe List sign. This thing's bigger than me. I don't even want to say how much I paid for the goddamn thing.

Six grand? More money. Oh, man, you hate to hear that. Plus the light bulbs, they had to bring it down. I feel bad because I don't want the goddamn thing. I think they're just disassembling it. Can we merch this thing? Can we auction this, mother?

Anybody want this sign? This is a legendary memorabilia, and the comedy zeitgeist is going to go down in history. It's a beautiful sign. It's full of bulbs. It looks like something on Broadway in the 40s. But the bulbs were rented, so there's no bulbs. And I think it's already going to be gone by the time

they're hearing this. I think, you know, Louis had a good point. Imagine if every set ever built still existed. You wouldn't be able to shoot movies anymore. It lives on film. It lives forever on the film. I know, but if some guy in Milwaukee wants to throw this in his shit box house,

it's, I think it's something. It's something, but it feels weird that someone just has a six foot sign with my name on it. I think it's kind of fun. I don't know. But I just, I can't ship it for God's sakes. They'll do it all. All you got to do is go, here it is.

You figure it out. Shelby'll do it. Shelby's not doing it. He doesn't even smile when we make jokes. Give him $11, he'll do it. I don't have $11. I spent it all on the goddamn sign. But I think he'd make it back, at least half.

I don't feel comfortable with someone sending me $4,000 with the sign of my name on it. I'll handle the sign. I'll give you the sign. Give me the sign. I saw the sign. The sign says, stay away fools. There's love rules.

Here's your sign. All right. Filling ball. I never cared for that. No one did. We all hated it. Somebody did. He's got a private jet.

He was on the, he was in the, he was the Ringo. That's a good point. Uh-huh. You're 16. You're beautiful and you're fine. Are you watching the Beatles nuns? I haven't seen the Beatles. We talked about the Beatles.

I haven't, cause it's on Disney. Ah, I got the cable stealer. I know about the cable stealing. Try to get me to steal the cable. I care about society. Cable boy. Cable guy. Great film.

Good movie. All right. So thank you for everyone that came out. The taping was the best night of my life. The first show was incredible. The second show was better. It'll be out in March or so. I gotta try to write some material for God's sakes.

But this is, this is gonna be hot. Hot. This is gonna be a hot spesh. Hot spesh. You feel good about it? That's huge. Cause every comic hates themselves and hates their act and insecure.

So if you feel good about it, that means it was really something. I was in the back with Colin Quinn. Pretty cool. The first one you had, Louie. You got two legends at your special tapings. It was pretty nice. And I talked to Colin the next day.

He really made me feel good. He was really sweet. And by the way, he gave you a shout out. He's like, I saw Norman laughing and he was laughing not in a way. Like, look at me laughing at my friend. He was laughing. Oh wow.

I was like touching. Cause I've never seen you laugh. No, it's not easy. But he's a, he's so smart. He's so wise. Very wise. He, the fact that he caught me laughing says a lot. He's so observant.

Yeah. He is the smartest, best person. He's everything I want to be. And I just, I love him more than I, I don't even want to talk about it. It gets me weird, but he put me in the right place before and after the next day. It was the best day of my life.

So thank you, Colin. You'll never hear this, but my father's gay. I'd love to get him on, but I also don't want to bug him. He hates podcasts. Oh really? He's tested. He's like, remember Bill volume two and he's like despises women, hates blondes,

nothing but contempt for, but whatever. Yeah. I don't think he's gonna do it. He's done so many, which makes you realize how sweet he is even more. He hates him and he's done the hyenas and all these fucking bugs. He got COVID there too, almost killed him.

Good point, good point. He hates podcasts, did it anyways, almost died. But we digress, we're gonna run out of time. Anyways, the special was amazing. Thanks for everyone that came from far distances. Then I felt so good because I planned it out. I planned this trip to Germany because I want to get the mile

so I could be diamond in the valley next year. Smart. Which worked. I'm diamond. I booked the trip in June. I was like COVID will be over by then. Yeah. And so will Dustin Diamond.

He's done. And so I booked the trip and it's all because of a terrorist attack. Because of the terrorist attack at the Christmas, what do you call it? Market. I was like, I've never been to a Christmas, I didn't know they had these Christmas markets.

So the terrorist helped the tourism. What? Terrorism, tourism. Get out of here. Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna go to that thing. Tourists are kind of similar to you, you fly in, you ruin it, you leave. It's the same.

Same thing. So I booked the trip back in June. I was like COVID will be over because this is when the vaccines were coming out. I thought it was all gonna be dandy. And then I had all these dates and then I was going to Germany and I'm like, I want to shoot the special.

I want the special to come out before the movie. So I got to shoot the special. And then I was looking and I was like, I go to Germany, then it's Christmas. So I was like, I'll shoot it right before Germany. So I call my manager in age. I say, hey, you talk to Liz. I'm gonna shoot on the Tuesday

before I leave for Germany. Here, here. And they say, well, I don't know. Do you think this? And then I go, just put it in there. I don't want to even, sometimes I feel this way. I don't want to hear other options. I don't want to think about doing it in Chicago or Minneapolis.

I go, just get me the village underground. Get me the same crew as last time. I'm gonna just go there, do it. And I'm gonna fly to Germany and enjoy myself. Well, you know you. You know you're an analyzer. You're a nitpicker. You dwell on options.

Well, maybe that's it. Maybe that's it. And then that would just take more time. So I think you're playing it smart. I don't want to dwell. Yeah, no dwell. Print it. Dwell Griffin.

Yes. So I say, just set it up. We set it up. I got to shout out to Liz, who's just the best in the world. I mean, just the best sets it all up. Get the outfit, go down there. Jason Katz directed.

Unbelievable. Great job. Great crew. And so we go down there, do the special. It's a humdinger. And everybody, there was so many comics there. It was so heartening. Phil, Hanley, Sam Merrill, Quinn, Rosebud,

Andy Haynes, Rana, Matt Wayne. I mean, I think Matt Wayne was on the show. Matt Wayne was on the show. Gary Veter was there. Yes. Merrill, Quinn. Will Silvence. Silvence was taking photos.

Jacob Williams, Caitlin Palufo, Isabelle Hagan, Steve Rogers. Sean Murphy. Sean Murphy, a whole gang. Sam Evans was there. The other guy. And just, it was so touching. So many Tuesdays and comics.

And the comics just means so much. So it was so sweet. I just felt like George Bailey. Then we went back to Astoria. Went to Astoria Diner, because there's too many psychotic, fucking crazy drug addicted homeless people on the streets in New York.

The village is tapped. I want to walk to Waverly Diner, my favorite diner, but I'm like, what, it's not the risk reward. I'm like, let's just get a car. It's too psychotic out there. It's a shame. I was bummed.

I came down after my set and the whole place was empty. I was like, where's List? Like he went to Astoria. I was like, I felt bad, but I just don't want to deal with the nonsense. I get it. I get it. So we go out to Bel Air Diner.

It's me, Sam Evans, Sean Murphy, Caitlin, Steve, Ronan, Sarah, me. It's quite a booth. Great milkshakes, great time, great laughs. We walk home. Next day, I go do Are You Garbage? Oh. For the third time.

That's fun. And by the way, there's a wake of COVID right behind me. Mike Early was another comic that was there. He's got COVID now. Andy Haynes has COVID now. Are You Garbage? People both have COVID now. Simonson.

Oh, is that right? Sean Murphy. Simonson was there. He has COVID. Sean Murphy has COVID. I don't know if I'm supposed to let that out. Everybody's got COVID. This will be weeks away.

Yeah. They're probably all dead or recovered. Sure. I'm the crumb. I bet they're recovered. So anyways, the whole, everyone's got COVID right now. I'm going to Germany. As you know, everyone's writing to me

that you're not gonna be able to do it. The show's gonna get canceled. COVID there. It's COVID there. The Nazis are there. These naysayers. When the naysayers need, you picked up the pace. You said nothing's gonna stop me.

So get out of my face. I'm having adventures all over the place. Rochelle. Rochelle. We're gaysayers. Andages. We go to Germany. Everyone's warning.

And it is a bummer there. So you need your vaccine passport. And it says digital thing. And people had said there's no international vaccine passport as of yet. So every place you go, you gotta show that you're vaccinated, including the outdoor markets. Wow.

Every restaurant, bar, coffee shop, store, the mall. Interesting. It's a little kooky. You think with the history over there, they'd feel weird going, let me see your papers. Well, it's a little wacky. And you can also prove that you've just recovered, which is good.

Okay. That's fair. So you can be unvaccinated and recovered, but if you're unvaccinated and haven't gotten it, you're out of luck. Whoa, wait, you haven't gotten COVID. If you haven't gotten COVID and you're not vaccinated, you're out.

You can't enjoy anything. You're getting punished for not having COVID now. It's a little strange. It's very strange, a little kooky. So we show up there and there is no international passport. So we just have our little New York card. That's in English. Yes.

And it's just written handpaper. So we're showing up with this card going, hi, can we come, we have a, and they go, no, no, no, that's the digital. Here we go. You need the digital. Here we go. You got to go to a pharmacy.

A pharmacist will help you. And I don't even know what that means. So we go to a pharmacy. So you're in Germany. This is in Germany. Oh, wow, okay. So in Germany, the pharmacist goes, is there a vaccine?

No, we don't help you. Come on, Hans. And I go, all right, shit. So we go to another pharmacy and the lady goes, yeah, let me, I can help you out. No, hold on. She gives you a piece of paper written in German. And she goes, here, show them this.

Jesus. And I go, okay. So I got my paper vaccine thing from New York. And then I have a paper with German rules on it. And then Sarah goes, well, can I get one of those? I need one of those too. And she's like, she's like, hold on, I'll get you one too.

And then she gives it to Sarah. So then we go to these markets and I go, here's my vaccine. I'm visiting the United States and this lady gave me a piece of paper and she told me to point to this line. I don't know what it says, but see. And the guys would read it and go,

all right, go ahead, go ahead. What is it, her pee? What is it on there? I have no idea. So then another one, we go to like three. We go to German gate to translate. So we go to like three markets. Well, I'm going to tell you what it says on there.

So we go to like three markets. They let us in begrudgingly. Another guy goes, no, no, you need a digital. You need a passport. And I go, well, we're visiting the States. I go, look, see this piece of paper? Pharmacist said to show you this. And finally the guy goes, my friend,

these are the rules. This is from November. These are just the rules of how to, the vaccine rules. I thought she gave me a pass. They said, hey, he can get in. They're just the rules that say you have to have a vaccine passport. So he's like, this is not anything.

This piece of paper is nothing. This is just information. He's like, this is old information. Wow. So the lady just gave me some horse shit and said like, there you go. She gave me basically like a brochure or some bullshit. Yeah. So our, we're low.

We're like, our morale is low. But wait, how did you get in? They just were like, ah, these guys are idiots. They just took pity on us. They went fine. Just go, who cares? It's a very serious operation, by the way. You got to do all this shit,

but then I can show you a fucking napkin when I'm in. So we go back to the hotel and we're down. We're bummed because everywhere you go, you have this anxiety of like, are we going to get in? Are we not going to get in? We look like idiots.

There's a language barrier. Not a great trip experience so far. We're just bummed out and we go, all right. And so Sarah's like, I'm taking a nap. And so I sat there like stewing at the end of the bed and I went, you know what? I'm a man. I'm taking action.

I'm going, I'll be right back. I said, I'm going to go back. I put my coat on, my hat on. I put my boots on and I went, I don't have boots. I don't know why I said that. I put my stickers on. I took the piece of paper. I went down.

Now you're going to love this. Pharmacist again? You might come. I go straight down. I go to the hotel. I'm like, I'm going to talk to the hotel people and find out what's going on. I like it.

Now when I get down there, there's a line of people. And I go, I'm not waiting in line. So I go down the street. I go, I'm walking till I find a pharmacist and I'm coming back here with a vaccine passport. Ugly American. I walk into the pharmacist and I see this beautiful woman.

And you can only see her eyes because everyone's masked up. I love an eyeball. She's got nice cans. Green sweater with a hell of a can. German can. Double can. Two cans.

Cans. Sam. So I walk up to her and she's got beautiful high makeup and piercing brown eyes. Oh boy. Can you be brown and pierce? Yeah, pierce a brown. All right.

Well, you got brown pierce. Pierce Brosnan. So I go in there and I say, pardon me. I'm sorry. And she's got black hair. Just a gorgeous knockout. You're like, my wife's a napping right now. I just let you know.

With the can. She had no pasta, but she was hot. All right. She had the cans, right? Yes. Love a can. I wish I had a photo of this beautiful big bosom Dutchman. Me too.

I'll tell you the whole story. Ooh, nice. Thank you. So I say to the lady, I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time. I'm visiting from America and she cuts me off. And she goes, and you can't get in anywhere and nobody's helping you.

And I almost fell to my knees, Mark. I was already in love with her. She cut me off. I love a cut off. I love a cut. Wait, was she in English? No, she's German. But she knew English.

Yeah, she spoke English. A lot of them are bilingual. Most people are bilingual. Some don't want to deal with you. But she's like, and you can't, and you don't know how to, it's like, what was that? That helped make me look high-waisted.

Remember that sound? Oh, yeah. It's hard for me to find pants. It don't make me look high-waist. Yeah. So that's what it felt like. You feel close. Yes.

And she's like, nobody understands. And I was like, yes, I touched her. I felt the sweater. I was like, oh my God. I felt the sweater and the love. And I went, yes. I was like, can you help me? She's like, of course it does my job.

And she's like, I need a paper, I can't do the accent. But she's like, I need your passport. You have your vaccine. I go, I got my vaccine right here. Here's my card. What a man. I'm fully vaccinated.

I'm boosted. I got everything you need. Boost. And she's like, I need an ID. I need a passport. I don't have my passport. She goes, any ID. Just give me your name.

I handed my license. And she's like, I'll be right out. And I go, my wife is here. Can I get my wife down here? And she's like, well, tell her to come down here. I text my wife, I'm like, wake up. I got it figured out. And she's like, oh my God, Daddy did it.

I'm getting all exclamation points, bold. Daddy, put it at me. And so there's hot, beautiful, sexy, pharmacist woman goes in the back. And you know that feeling when you're like, it's solved. It's over. I got it. It's being worked on right now.

Hell yeah. So I'm bouncing off the walls. I'm telling Sarah, like get down here. There's a better looking woman that's gonna help us. So she's in the back just kidding. So she's in the back doing her thing, working it, she comes out and she's like, hands me the paper.

I got my papers now. Oh my Lord, what a feeling. And from the big breasted hottie. Big titty German hottie who gets me. So she gives you the papers and she's like, here's the papers, but you want to digitalize this. Cause that's even better. So you get this app called the Luca app,

which you have to literally check in everywhere you go and check out. They know where you are at all times. This is a nightmare. Very strange. I refused to check out. I was like, as far as you know, I'm in the restaurant. Don't check out.

So. I don't do it with hotels either. I just leave. Oh, you gotta leave. So I go, thank you so much. And she's like, don't worry. She's like, I go, this is what I had, this piece of paper.

And the lady's like, what? She's like, this woman mock you. This fine assist, she's mocking you. And she's like, all these people that were taking pity on you. This is embarrassing. She's like, these are just the rules. She reveals that it was the rules.

Wow. And she's like, yeah, that's, those are bad people. And I was like, well, I can't believe you helped me. And she's like, that's my job. There's course to help you. Wow. And I was like, God bless you.

So I go and find Sarah. Prejudice. I say, hey, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I think I'm in love with this woman. And she's like, that's okay. I don't care. And I go, great, I'm not gonna leave you. But if you die, I'm coming straight here.

I got to circle to the highlighter. I like it. I'm coming right back here. Give her a little what for? Maybe I make it a little jealous. Well, this pasta lady, you might want to circle her. Just in case. Maybe, yeah.

You don't need car accidents, flights, COVID. They could pass away. That's a good point. I'll give her my noodle. Yeah. So al dente. So we go back and I go, this is the wife I was telling you about.

And then she goes, give me the thing, give me the card. She goes back, helps her. Now we're back in business. And then she's like, hey, I got the Throes lozenges. I could get you. She gives me some like free lozenges. Well, you know what the silent re?

I think she knew about this three. I was like, I think she could hear it. She could sense it in my voice. What? It's a good farm. Gave us some lozenges. Gave us some free mash. She's like, here's a stack of masks.

Now go out there and live. And I just was like, I love you. God bless. We loved her. We were pushing each other. So now we're back. We got our vaccine passports. I feel like I'm gonna have to fast forward to some stories.

They'll come back to the other ones. Where are we at? We're out here, Shobu. 51. We're at an hour. We're at an hour. Oh, 104? Shit, sorry.

I went too long. Fuck, man. Don't worry. That was all great stuff. The pharmacist. Oh my God. There's so much stuff I gotta get to. I'll just cut right to this.

No, this other one's too big. It's too big. I don't wanna lose a full chunk. Where we gotta come back here at some point. It's too big. We'll be back. All right, I gotta put a bow on it, but to be continued,

because I got some insane Germany stuff. I didn't even get to the goods. I wanna hear about the show as well. I wanna hear about the gays out there. The show was amazing. A gay, a Tuesday, an Irish Tuesday, who lives in Sweden, from Ireland, lives in Sweden, and he flew four flights to be there.

Four flights. And he had, I don't know where Mark's shirt is. We had another guy from England. I came down. I couldn't even understand the fucking guy. He saw English. He was like, ah, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And they came.

They both had the matching shirts. We all hung out. Every comic came from Berlin. Standing ovation. You gotta go up there and do that. Yeah. What? Oh my God, it was so fun.

Is it different there? Do they laugh at different shit? Do they get it? They were laughing. They were aces. They were just great aces. Who the hell am I? I don't know.

He turned into Joey Roses all of a sudden. I sound like you wearing that shirt. There you go. A pack of cigarettes rolled up in that thing. I know. We gotta wrap up. Join the goddamn Patreon. I got dates.

I keep forgetting to plug. Dates, we need dates. Toronto, February 12th, the Royal Cinema. Please, everyone's been asking about Toronto. I'll be there. January 15th, the Rick Shaw Theatre in Vancouver, which sounds like it's all junkies. People get warning me to get a gun.

Yeah, it's wild over there. That street you're on. It's the Hobo Street. Oh, jeez. Hastings, I believe. Maybe I'll cancel. No, it'll be fun. The labs.

January 16th, the next night in Seattle. And then I'm in Dallas in February. Boston Patriots Day weekend. That's gonna be big. Get tickets early. That's a big one that I'm excited about. And a bunch of stuff. Key West in March.

And subscribe to my YouTube, because the special's gonna come out on there. So please, for God's sakes, do that. Hell yeah. Kansas City, Improv, Syracuse, Funny Bone, La Jolla, Comedy Store, Sacramento Punchline, Kentucky doing Lexington doing Cincinnati. No, Columbus, Ohio.

Sorry, I love Columbus. I think it's Lexington. All kinds of crazy dates. We're locking and loading this year. Buckle up, enjoy the Netflix specials out now. Tell a friend. Actually comes out on the 29th. That's tomorrow.

Oh, tomorrow. Watch it immediately. Get those numbers up. Let the Netflix people see who's boss. Yeah, and then draw a look on this guy's, why not? Why are you there? I don't think anyone knows. I did one about 48 years ago.

It's stuck and nobody watched it. You got a great resume on paper. On paper, I'm doing pretty good. Paper. I got Letterman, The Tonight Show, Netflix. Last guy standing, Rogan, all these things. Couple Rogans. Finalist.

Nobody cares. Come your hair. But yeah, we love you. Praise Allah. I'm Kevin Hart. That's the Fat Man. And we'll see you in hell. Thank you, new office.

These are load-bearing walls. They're not gonna come down. No one wants to be themselves. I'm in my heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe that we've got you.