Tuesdays with Stories! - #433 International Shitting

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

Happy New Year ya chooches! It's our first episode of 2022 as Joe deals with an aggressive passenger on his tumultuous return from Germany while Mark rings in the new year in Milwaukee. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Native (Support the show and get 20% off your first order by visiting NativeDeo.com/ tuesdayswithstories) & Raycon (Support the show and get 15% off your first Raycon order at BUYRAYCON.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to out YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are folks in the studio in midtown Manhattan how do you like that there's a load bearing walls Jerry no I don't think they are those are coming

down I heard a snow plow on the 17th floor I heard a guy queef next door so who knows the walls it's thin paper thin we're the high rise I've never been in a high rise I have a key card I went boop boop and the guy went well I'm such an idiot I still stopped I was like hey I have this the guys like what are you doing I was like that's my face I work here yeah and the guys like I don't care swipe in and then the lady the dentist lady the fat and she looks like who's the Georgia people lady huh the fat Georgia lady people hate her they love her oh Kathy Bates no she's black over every Avery Avery Avery

I don't know Avery Avery Island Sean Avery you know her the fucking lady she's making all the waves they wanted to be president Lizzo really hair now who is Oprah Lizzo is a real fat rapper lady who plays I think the cello or the flute maybe the flute what you got to pull this video up when you can she's a fat lady who torques while fluting hold on what is her name but you know who I'm talking about Oprah she's fat Oprah she's cool she's good I think her steely Stacy Abrams I see I see I think he's talking about some singer Georgia on my mind no okay but anyway oh yeah the lady at the desk looks like her I said hey

I'm new here I work here and I go that's my friend over there and she I think she was like I don't care yeah which is good I don't want to chat with them anyway get me in get me out it's weird though but we have a job I don't know what camera where the cameras is this my close up yeah hell yeah alright sorry about the shirt it's about 150 degrees in here this was supposed to be like an under situation burning my retinas there that is quite the yellow I like yellow makes your teeth look wider my wife says I look good and yellow she's like I love you and yellow you gotta wear yellow every day with the yellow really I don't know

what it means no one looks good and yellow she's lying to you I think she's colorblind no I think people can look good and yellow you should try a yellow I can't do yellow I was a bed wetter growing up everything I was yellow well you gotta hydrate if it's coming out yellow that's true you ever eat a bunch of vitamins you piss and it looks like Kool-Aid down there I've been taking vitamin D I'm not I don't want to get jump right into COVID stuff but I gotta tell you I'm recovering oh Shelby's got his mask off you're about to go this is scary your raw dog in the air I've been doing a zinc I just bought a big

whopper full of zinc and not to mention the first of all it's $68 for a bunch of zinc and zinc secondly by by by secondly I think it's cured me oh sorry I think it cured me I never got COVID this whole time I've been going to orgies I've been blowing little boys and going to the kennel and petting random dogs nothing well I gotta tell you folks folks at home get out there and get Omicron I feel alive I'm dying to get it I'm jealous you got it get it and spread it that's my new motto I say give it to everyone we should have Omicron parties because everybody I know is shaking in their boots they're calling me should I

go to the cellar should I go to my mother's should I eat my dad out and I gotta tell you I just gave it to Sarah's mom her sister my parents my niece I gave it to everybody wow a few people on a plane a couple bagel shops and I feel like a hundred bucks when you're like Norton the virus you're all over everybody's desktop what was it Norton Jim there was a antivirus Norton oh I always see that I don't know anything about computers I don't either and the virus once I got a virus I would just throw the thing out the window I couldn't handle it yeah I had the same thing but I think the apple doesn't get

viruses isn't that right well it's something with cookies what else the cookie I accept everything I do too bring it on cookie jizz right my face whatever it is I'll eat it I'm quite progressive did you ever play okay cookie uh yeah actually that's what that was my major I was in a frat for about eight minutes I don't know what a major is honestly a major a minor a bachelor a PhD and a sergeant HPV I got there was major dad that was a show in the 80s but watch that show I thought it's dark it was horrible I never got it okay your dad's in the military who gives a fuck where's the comedy my dad was in the

military too he just you know rape me but I think they come up with a title first yes major dad what if the dad was a major in the army major dad he's a major oh that's great yeah it's like who's the boss that's a great title we'll work around that yes two gay men or whatever three men and a baby there's a real title that gives you half the premise right there but wait a minute major what the hell is oh your major as you go into college and you go hey I'm Jim Jim hacksaw Jim Duggan I'd like to a degree and they go well what's your major and you go film and they go okay you can you don't have to take math you

don't take science you can take English but you have to take other stuff that's just the major that's the major but you can get around the other stuff if you're major in something retarded so is there only to a major in a minor or is there mediums there's no need so what do you do you go in there's a minor is there a minor I minor yeah I hear that all the time yeah our Kelly they say I majored in and you know Tompkins Square Park and I minored in Central Park right you know what I mean yeah yeah I guess I never minored how come you didn't minor I don't know I didn't have the hat yeah all right I majored in film because I

didn't have to take math wow and did you graduate oh yeah barely skin of my foreskin but I just I went to college failed out of three colleges by the way not proud of it my parents made me finish because they figured I was going nowhere like get a degree my parents made me finish on their face last night and then I moved to New York I said fuck college I move to New York to do comedy they said you got to finish so I finished online it was the easiest thing I've ever done oh nice should have done the whole thing online did you get a cap no cap no gown either no gown who needs it I had the high school one do you say

gowned I always say D but it's gown no D cap and gown gown otherwise want to say gowned maybe it's past tense you got gowned yeah that was fun to throw it though yeah I was nervous to throw it I was such a little bitch at graduation I was like I want my cap though so I kind of did like a fake like oh oh that's a good point and I had that's all folks written on it hey I had the n-word they're gonna make fun of me oh I like that what about this thing the tassel the tassel remember you kept the tassel for a while people had it in there like rear view mirror look at this graduated six months you're like you might want to

move on now yes it's that in the car the high school ring get out of here with the ring the people that wore the ring if you're listening and you wore a ring stop listening we don't want to be associated with you no class ring people hate there I'd rather you hang a nuva ring from the from the rear view at least I know you're getting laid get up and get out of here I'd rather you have the ring DVD around your finger you like that movie I'm not a big horror cunt they really care she has wet hair who cares I know she comes out of a well that's a good thing right the girl came out of a well good she's saved it's all

kids and water in these movies it's always like a baby going and I'm like I'll just kick the baby or swim it's never like a buff black guy with a knife and well that's actually scary candy man was that candy man that's the one movie but I think they were scary this down what was with the bees though I didn't get the bees I don't know what's up with bees my girl was a D they had bees my girl because I was the same age as coke right he gets eaten by bees and I was like holy shit that was heavy terrifying you know my childhood dog shadow he was a little black thing that's racist yeah well he was on welfare and didn't take

care of his kids but he got eaten by ants pups didn't take care of his pups but yeah he was a good good good dog but one day I came outside he was on an ant pile twitching and the ants had swarmed yeah I remember hearing this story before and sounded suspicious well I might have what do you call it not that bold super exaggerated what's that accentuated hyperbole hyperbole but he must have died of a disease than the ants got them they just overtake a dog well he was little how little and these are fire ants ah you didn't say fire haha yes they weren't these weren't worker ants what's the other end you only hear about fire and

nothing was carpenter ants is that one sounds like a working ant I like a carpenter ant carpenter and that's a big one ah like a big thick ant my ants pretty big I got a thick ant yeah but yeah you got fire ant they're all red they're they're vicious they got that those claws mm remember honey I shrunk loves honey I shrunk that kid the kid from overboard and that big and big that kid was hot and he reminds me of Matt Wayne they're very similar I can see that they got red hair they're funny plus Matt Wayne loves those movies Shelby's on the move which scares me the 80s funny kid was great I mean that kid

was amazing and I looked him up he was in a band and I listened to the band they're not so hot ah hope we don't hear this but uh all in if you know his name I forget his name I looked it up recently he's fantastic by the way the littlest kid from overboard is the kid in home alone who's talking to the van people wait a minute wait a minute the van people the there's a horror movie yeah remember when they count the head they count the neighbor the neighbor kid comes oh yeah the neighbor kid he's the little kid Joey in overboard oh I mean we're deep into the weeds here but 80s baby love the 80s good times

in the 90s 80s were all suburb did you watch Quentin Tarantino on Rogan by any chance I didn't but it's it's on my list I listen to him on Marin which didn't give me the juice no good juice no but about that goodbye juice but yeah he did Rogan he was talking about the 80s movies were just cookie cutter suburb horseshit happy ending you know popcorn anal bead sure but then in the 90s they're like let's get crazy yes and I hope comedy has that well I think is that it became independent again and that's what's happening I hope with movies again I got an independent movie coming up myself you got that right but I think

they were like alright enough of this shit and now it's happening again with all the blockbusters and the the sequels and the horseshit yeah the super hero it gives birth to some more independent shit some some anal some blood some rape yes let's bring it back and comedy is full of anal but comedy is YouTube and podcasts and internet and queef time and all that shit so comedy is great right now the underground yeah you got you me Sam Kramer the butler Shane everybody's got these cool specials and it's very exciting by the way you have a great special on Netflix right now which I

gotta say thanks because all these people are discovering my yes yes that's great by the way I clicked over I don't want to watch my special or see anything about it because it makes me feel weird but sure I just put the cursor on it and you came up as the first joke really yeah like you know you go right right preview yeah and the preview is you which is funny it's not even the right season but hey whatever that's all the same to them I guess but we watched it New Year's Eve Eve Sarah and I sat up we had a couple chuckles my dad watched a couple bits this is the other guy and then you know he went to bed as your

boyfriend but yeah it was great it was exciting so everyone go make sure you watch it I think it juices the number I don't know what it does but juices they see the num they're seeing the numbers even though we're not they're too smart to show us the numbers because then we got a little bargaining chip we got a little leverage right but it I got a ton of great messages I want to thank the Jews out there the queefs the fatties the gays thanks for the love and I got a little bit of hate but I knew it was coming yeah what can you do guys a transphobe this guy fucked his dad you know two of those are true sure whatever

but by the way I have to say I was very impressed with Janelle James that was the only one other one I watched yeah I laughed out loud really funny stuff in there I was like damn I mean I watched like eight minutes because it was like two o'clock in the morning but I'll watch the rest at some point but you got to see this Brian Simpson cat I haven't got to sit we're gonna watch all of them very funny but I gotta tell you we got rid of Netflix so I had to watch to my parents and we left but we might bring it back well what do you just had a little moment of a responsibility where you said hey I got to get to reading well it's

on Sarah's account this is like not even good Potter but it's on Sarah's account she's trying to save some money when we got the showtime so we could watch the comedy store doc and then I hate most of the Netflix originals I want to watch in the theater right I like we never even watch it I watch criterion I watch HBO I watch iTunes I just buy movies because I'm a compulsive idiot well if you want to come over to Steel Cable Island I know his room for you on the peninsula well I got a thing you may have heard of called morals so I don't have the Netflix but maybe I'll get it back all right get it back or you could

do what I do and just use Chuck's password when you really think about Netflix I hate to say it because I'd like them to buy something for me at some point but they're not so it kind of stinks yeah it's not great they got a few movies that are great some of your favorite movies but I'm like I already own these movies and then there's the Netflix originals mostly stink some are good a guy sent me a list of very good ones and then the stand-up is fun but you know yeah they got the good and they got the Sebastian's and the Seinfeld's and the burrs and the other guy but yeah the HBO is the the primo for just the

lunch movies the great series the good doc you stuff maybe I shouldn't be shooting on Netflix they get a lot of it they don't hear this yeah they'll hear it now the comedy is great the comedy solid comedy is great obviously the market cornered as they say yeah but anyways it was a thrill to watch it was very exciting I'm proud of you I thought it was hilarious and the guy with the comedy shirt in the front yeah some gays came out yeah it's funny how what people get offended by I got the one guy doing the whole rant on me about how I'm a transphobe and I did a whole thing about the Holocaust and how the guy's

taking photo who's the guy taking photos of the Holocaust like that to me that was way and then I was like any juicer get him like it's wildly anti-semitic but that's fine that's a joke it's only when you talk about their thing that's no longer a joke isn't that wacky of course it's wacky and not to mention Brian Simpson said a whole retard chunk and that's fun I don't know the whole things it's all very topsy-turvy but glad to have it out there and now here's the clinker though click it I did the Milwaukee improv over New Year's had to do the whole toast and the countdown and the anals that's fun yeah it was fun

Milwaukee cookie town but I gotta tell you we talked about this is before the break going out there with nothing I mean these people we saw the Netflix I see him in the lobby stand-ups was killer and you're like well this 30 minutes it's out yeah I gotta go into a new year with a new hour with a no shit no jokes just half-baked ideas I'm up there going what's up with the toad stools it's not a toad it's not a stool I'm dying up there I had no ideas it was brutal but then they go this guy this guy got an Netflix who's this chuch yeah it's a little bit scary and then we're because of the Omacruch it were like losing

places to work out I just lost I had to cancel seven spots to try not to get Omacron then I got it anyways had to cancel Houston I'll be back February 15th by the way I canceled Houston cuz I was like I feel a little wacky I tested negative but I don't want to be a bitch but whatever I'll just cancel then it turns out I had it so I'm glad I canceled I would have given everyone in the room Omacron you did the right thing fatty but anyways I'll be back there February 15th but yeah it's scary and you have to try to cram out as much as you can before I'm like holy shit how am I gonna do this yeah I will figure it out

yeah I did a lot of Q&A a lot of like Milwaukee stuff like what's up with Wisconsin cheese curds oh boy a written house huh that got me about 11 seconds what about this if you're homeless a lot of people listen to every episode they know the show if you hear something that we've talked about in the past that feels like a bit I love it email us reach out and go every once in a while I'll get like a comedian will write you do that on stage yes hilarious yes so please shoot us an idea not your own ideas no god no we don't want that trash sometimes people email me and go hey I'm a bartender in you know fucking

Cleveland yeah Sandusky Ohio and I got a bit about fingering kids on the sidelines regional I don't need a bit from you yes yes no bits no bits thank you thank you we're all chock full we're all loaded up here so but thanks for the love I gotta write some new stuff it's coming and well I think I think Omicron's gonna peak and then plummet I think we'll be all back to normal but I don't want to speak out of anal it's gonna peak this week and I'm a geek it's all gonna be yeah fleek it's gonna be great the Greeks invented anal and yeah how do you speak one cheek squeak that's a funny term that's good one cheek

squeak never heard that you ever heard that no I like it oh it's fun that's when you I've heard sitting on a duck by the bay cuz I'm gay hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by native deodorant baby it's a new year and who doesn't want to make some easy changes to their personal hygiene routine to make it a little cleaner that's where native comes in baby love the native great sense great feel I keep a bunch around the house I use them the lady uses them I got it on right now that's nice aluminum free deodorant and body washes are never made with parabens or sulfates and are both cruelty free also offers

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yourself this new year there's no better way to do it than with a pair of Raycon wireless earbuds in your ears I absolutely love Raycon I love the way they fit it's that HD sound I don't know nothing about anything but I know I don't leave my house without my Raycon earbuds they are the best in the business Raycon wireless earbuds are the best way to bring audio with you because no matter how much you shake things up you know they won't fall out of your ears there everyday earbuds look feel and sound better than ever Raycon offers eight hours of playtime and a 32 hour battery life that's insane right now Tuesdays

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men without hats a bunch of public enemy we went all in on the rap we hit every genre rap rock share in a two-piece bikini or whatever the hell that was I came our Smith they got a little dicey to she's gonna want to get there this is a little edgier a little spicier a little sweeter a little sexier and we're doing one a week this week is Seinfeld last week was music videos we got the new studio we're here to use it we got to pay for this fucking thing you got that we're doing or making worth it is what I mean whatever and we want to thank everybody that's been on the patreon all along yeah I mean who the names are but

it's Ari Shaffir it's Bert Kreischer it's Nikki Glaser it's Michelle Wolf yeah keep coming yeah yeah there you go there you go yeah we got some heavy hitters there folks a lot of great stuff tell a friend share it spread the cheeks wave it up join now see you next week so how was the holiday I gotta get I gotta get this Germany story we got jerks we teased it and then we had two weeks off and I gotta try it's difficult because you want a fresh story and of course everybody knows you fucked me last recording so it's not gonna be fresh but I gotta try to work it up because it was one of these things that bothered

me for about a week and now it's been three weeks wait wait the story not doing the story bothered you not doing this no not that oh the actual thing that happened in the oh all right I can't wait hit me with the story then let's bother all right I might have to check a couple notes or maybe I'll just go from memory you got it up here I can see it but I just I don't want to miss anything big I'll never be able to find it oh my god I got covid so oh yeah boy that yellow it's a lot woo something came out of my mouth no the yellow shirt right yes yes but yeah all right so I told you about the pharmacist with the

big tits so I want to fuck if I yes yes the hot farm big farm okay can't believe you went to Germany that's still pretty wild you you squeaked in fatty cuz what a squeak that was that was that would not be happening with Omicron yeah it was a two-beak squeak so that didn't sound good that was a lot of semen now we're back so you know it is you've flown across the country a different country during covid this is a few weeks ago pre Omicron sure went to Germany squeezed it in Omicron was on the move at the time in Germany at the time it was moving around couple cases here couple cases there I think London was getting hit so

you got to get this when Biden said you need a negative test to fly back to America got like the new rule we thought you needed it to go to Germany I spent like 300 bucks on a fucking PCR rapid I hate the rapid got to the desk and I said the guy said you have your negative test I said we took it we haven't got the results yet the guy was like just go ahead ah he's like a Delta guy right system is whacked out it's all out to lunch it's all pipes so to fly back to the States you got to get a test but all the tests were closed whatever doesn't matter so the night before we leave we're like we'll get a test in the morning

and we make appointments they have testing at the airport but now you know the feeling you know me I'm I like to I don't fly by the seat of my pants too much you fly at three hours early I like to have my ducks in a row as it were so come in a row I'm going to the airport to fly back to America with no test wow you require a test wow so I'm like oh my god what we doing but it was our last day on vacation we don't want to wait in line to get a goddamn test sure hate the test so Sarah's like I made two appointments one appointment for each of us then I go in I make my own appointment so I'm like I want extra

appointments okay so we can get there because I don't want to get stuck in Germany no heard that story Berlin is nice but it's seven days I want to go home so we're flying to Paris first then the United States we get to the airport and everything's foreign language we leave early get out there we find the testing site big sign no rapid tests hi yeah yeah so holy oh my god we're stuck I'm trying to use this fucking meditation Buddhism shit I'm like worst case scenario we're stuck in Berlin for a couple days we're having a great time who cares we're not gonna die what is it 14 days though isn't it well that's a

one only to get a test I don't have COVID negative test good point we have to get the test then there is a chance you test positive because we've been out gallivanting in Germany ain't a gallivant so I walk in and over there in Europe they're wacky the guy has like the full suit he looks like fucking Marty McFly when he goes to the past he's got the suit and the thing yeah yeah the yeah what was that the plutonium plutonium he's got gloves he has those weird shoes that like Mark Wahlberg uses yes the depart yeah he's got a hair net on the whole thing like sunglasses he looks like a fucking idiot like a

Martian I walk in I go hey I need a negative test from New York it says you have no rapids but we signed up for a rapid and he's like you fly today and like what we're flying like an hour I need the test oh good it goes all right 50 euros blah blah blah we get the test they jam it way up there hate the jam so we go over we go thank you so much we jog over to the Delta desk you know me I'm diamond now straight to the front of line talk to a lady I'm sorry these ladies I could just feel that she liked me okay I liked her she liked me that's rare she gets me all she packs the bag she was your diamond here's your passes

to the fucking whatever you call it the lounge I love a lounge she goes all right well now give me those negative tests and I'm like we don't have them yet we just got tested we're waiting for a many minutes she's like I'm sorry I can't let you on there until you get the negative test she goes wait right there and as soon as you get the negative test come right back to the front of the line that's helpful I go okay great and she's German she's German okay kind of older probably like 70 but like I'd fuck her hey I love an old germ so I got some in my throat so we sit there we wait I'm refreshing refreshing refreshing

while I'm refreshing I watch the Delta line out the door like 40 people in line oh but sky priority still open so finally we get the negative test we go to the sky priority line and we're next and the lady sees me because she likes me she goes move to this line behind you're here I love this cuz so I move over then this lady over here some random lady in line goes hey hey hey the lines back there ooh Germany and I go hey listen I'm sky priority diamond you got that right in the priority lane suck on that well why do you get to go first and I look at the lady and the lady goes the lady at the desk pipes in even though

she's working on one lady she goes he's next he was here he's priority wow do me a favor don't worry about me look at this ugly American showing people who's who a little what for and I gotta tell you Sarah went like you sounded like dirty Harry just then I mean like her pussy she started dripping on the floor love this give this lady a beach towel baby we got a sock you send a little sass towards a 55 year old German lady it's hot I used to hit him I go don't worry about me young lady and then by the way the set there's two windows and window one opens up at this

moment and we go like this so she's not even in like the back of the line she's still next she's still ahead of me she's a German Karen I'm like you're not priority yes she's Karen and so I go she goes over there and I go you find like staring her down like you twat I'm I was here first you're still next and this is the loser line yeah suck it Nazi so I go up there I say hey thanks a lot of course the ego you just want to like get in front of that lady a lot I want to beat her through security either up I want to fuck her husband yes never saw again but get on the plane fly to Paris we land in Paris what's that a two hour

one hour not too long I don't know hour and a half hour 40 but okay delayed on the ground so now we got a hustle because we have a connection to New York obviously at that right we land in Paris but in Paris you go through passport what's it called custom customs in Paris so you don't you know whatever that you're leaving Europe you want to get the customs over with but you now you got a connect and cussed exactly when you still go to customs in New York in America to true what a nightmare so we got we're delayed we got that says boy also these international flights they board like an hour early mm-hmm so you get that thing

that says boarding now right boarding you're like fuck we're boarding so we're like running but everybody on this flight is also going to New York so everyone's running together fucking home alone yes Kevin run right off yeah so we all run then we get to the passport line and it's long and we're like shit and I'm going all right there's three windows open it moves fast cuz you only they just go okay great they stamp your papers sure papers papers and let you go so I'm like ah fuck this line is so long I don't want to miss my flight but worst get once again I go worst-case scenario we're stuck in Paris the line's gonna

move they're boarding now but the flight doesn't leave for another hour all right all right you're good you're gravy so here's where it gets jizzy oh god put it on my back so we're in line and then everyone else from the flight because we're at the front because we're a diamond diamond the rest of people from our flight are arriving behind us so there's like three aisles worth a line in front of us and now there's like two lanes worth behind us oh so you're in a good spot here pretty good we're in the middle of the pack okay you're dust and diamond so we're sitting there going all right this is moving it'll move it'll be

fine I'm very calm in anxious moments really people are very good in high stress situations we've been preparing for this our whole life that's true it's the anticipation of anxiety that really makes you anxious that's right you're in the mix you can deal with it I'm fine I told you the story when they took this the stitches out of my go I'm so nervous I'm gonna pass out the guys like all right just relax and then he did it he's like you're the best patient I've ever had wow in the moment you're like yes it's like driving a race car before you're like I'm driving a race car oh my god but then when you're in the car you're

zending I'm Paul Newman ah Newman's own Newman died so we're the line middle of the pack just waiting relax and trying to breathe I'm like we're gonna make it if we don't make it we're stuck in Paris what's the worst that's not so bad that sounds like a Woody Allen movie hey we're stuck in Paris that's not bad I'll take it so we're sitting there not all of a sudden we hear excuse me coming through we're now our flights leaving our flights board and who's this guy we turn around it's a Mac and Meyer it's a guy with a little sidekick and I'm higher well it's a fun do you hear that Mac and Meyer never Mac and cheese who's Mac

and Meyer delicious yeah yeah I don't know Mac and Meyer my family said that hey Mac and Meyer get over here who would Mac and Meyer could you Google Mac and must be a regional thing was there an origin maybe it was a family thing sounds like an 80s show Mac and Meyer maybe like a maybe there was a Simon and Simon I don't know Simon Simon Garfunkel fantastic Simon and Schuster who they that's the publishing of the books yes I don't know Mac and Meyer well whatever no Breckenmeyer two assholes Oscar I'm her but you lose your what's Oppenheimer oh yeah he invented the bomb yes yes I'm having one of those

tonight and no look gay oh thank you you got something a 1963 sitcom well Mac and my who's in it anybody good all right well you think about it my mother was born in 59 so she was four so it must have been a show maybe her dad called her Mac and Meyer a couple of repeats you see it on Nick at night I got it check you need two people so we're Mac and Meyer all right can I be Mac I suppose you give me back all right I don't be my or what is he Jewish I like a Jew take it um goodbye Jews oh yeah Germany that's where I was trying to get out well Paris that fits so all of a sudden these two assholes they're cutting

through the line going hey where we got over we got a we got a connection connection we're boarding who's just stepping through everybody I don't like this juke and I go what the fuck is this now I'm just painting a picture here I want everyone to have a clear picture but also you don't want to go German Karen on him but he's stepping in front of everyone in line okay this is different this is different I'm in the priority lane there's two lanes just there's priority and there's no lane I mean there's though you're whatever lane loser lane the priority lane has nobody in it right this lady wanted me to get

in the back of a line that I don't belong in I see so this is different this is different this guy there's only one line here he's cutting everybody haha he thinks he has priority right but you're all going to the same place we're all going to the same place so at first everyone just starts letting them go everyone just goes oh shit I guess cuz if you just do stuff people just let you go confidence goes a long way now I suspect this gentleman is of African American persuasion little guilt kicking and I suspect there might have been more pushback sooner if you just been a white Karen a white man a white man hey

hey toxic masculinity honky you guys get everything white man sit down I think people are afraid of racial incidents so nobody wants to say anything even in gay Perry I think so I figured it was only an American queef but I guess it's over there too I could be wrong I'm just supposing I like I suppose I think the camera gets rolling and you go hey back of the line blackie they don't want to be that person oh no now you're on war world star getting blown up on black Twitter so everyone just kind of goes hmm yeah and this guy and his buddy he's like I don't care I'm not being late sorry not missing

another flight I'm not missing this flight and then finally somebody goes hey two guys okay and finally somebody goes but one was the aggressive the other one was just kind of following along the alpha and the beta and finally I mean there's still like two full rows behind us but they're coming okay by the year someone go hey what is this what the hell and he's like sorry I'm not taking out taking action whoa he comes all the way up to us and I go whoa I'm on the New York flight to he's my flight's boarding I go but my flight's boarding yes and he just cruises by going yeah I don't care and I go well why do you get

to go I don't understand huh I'm like we're boarding yes you're putting us behind I'm getting pissed and he goes well I'm not missing my flight I'll tell you that I missed the flight already and finally a lady goes hey and she stands across the thing and goes no wow I'm on this flight and he goes well let's go you didn't go you should go to and we're like well this is gonna cause chaos the whole system's gonna come upon how the world worry this is not society we're living in a society so there's that's being more pushed back and this lady starts going hey security security the line watch it sister and then he goes he

goes why are you gonna throw me under the bus and I want to go under the bus so you admit that you're doing something and he goes well you guys don't have the balls to take action I'm who is it's about balls what no we're living in a society yes it's about consideration it's about rules it's about structure and he starts yeah it becomes a whole melee because it's going no no why do you get to go holy well I'm on this flight we're like well we're all on this flight yes on the same flight it's the same flight you cook and he's like well I'm going I don't care I'm not missing my flight I already missed the flight you're

like well I've missed many flights exactly whose fault is that you're missing flights you're probably fucking some trollop in a hotel you missed your bus that's the way it goes so we're like why why do you get to cut everyone and then this is what made me the most furious finally he stops where he is but he's cut a hundred people already yes so then this lady goes this there's one lady that's like really fighting it and she's like you don't understand and he's like and they both think they're a hundred percent I know well she kind of is she is she's like you got to get behind every you can't just cut everybody and

then he starts yelling back and then this is the lady I hate the most the lady at the front of the line who's like you know a little white American lady with like thickly yeah she looks like me frankly all right but she's like she goes to the the guy who's doing all the cutting and she's like relax she's like why even waste your energy don't even waste your energy on these people me you can come in front of me don't even bother it's not even worth and I'm like why are you so on this guy exactly just cut 200 people he's the bad guy he's the asshole right and she's like you can cut in front of me and I'm like

well why does she you're deciding that you get to cut everybody in here yeah who gave you the scepter you can't that's insane yeah you're not the leader here and I've seen people late for flights in this situation and here's how you do it you walk up to each individual and go I'm so sorry my flight is born would you mind if I went ahead of you yes and let each person give them individual one at a time right that's how you do it it pisses me off this lady thinks she's a hero she thinks she's a saint she's gonna go back home and go she's gonna pull a hammy pat herself on the back go hey I help this guy nobody

else would help them they were rude to him I stepped in fuck you you cook she's acting like we're assholes she's like don't even waste your energy on these people I'm like us people we're regular people we're missing our flight and every person that goes in front of us we're delayed of course what if you cut me and I missed the plane by one second this is a great little microcosm for society and then there was another lady and this lady she goes well I'm on this flight so I'm cutting to and she starts cut it I go what are you doing now we're cutting and then she goes you want me to go behind you and I said yes yes get

behind me well I can't defend everybody else but you're not getting in front of me there you cut all those people they can do whatever they're doing right you ain't cutting me you got that right it was fine I'll get behind you then like I'm an asshole what are these other cattle doing just they're afraid of an incident yes the nobody wants to be the person yelling at somebody so you call you can't even blame Mack and Meyer or whatever the hell his name is because this is just the way it's crafted now and they it's not even their fault they just go oh I have to be somewhere no one wants an incident I'm taking advantage

I and like I said if they went to each person and said my flight is leaving I'm trying to connect could I go in front of you sure sorry same pitch could I go in front of you can make your way up that way or go to the border patrol person and say is there any way I could cut to the front if the authority gives you a permission I guess but I still think that's insane well where's the guy with the machine gun and the in the full track suit on with the helmet and everything where's this guy he should be going whoa whoa everybody get back here you know shoot a couple shots in the air you know get a warning out there well I

guess they didn't have him he was off that day or whatever maybe at Omicron but it was just a chaotic scene but it makes everyone's blood boil of course blood pressure is up by the way every single person made the flight because they board so early so then everyone runs the plane we all get on and then we sit on the plane like this for 45 minutes before it even starts to move so it's all for no reason and you're like it doesn't take that long to get through passport control it takes like two seconds I know what was the purpose of the trip business okay that's you stamp see you later there you go and there's

three windows right so it's like three people probably six people per minute yes and there's 40 people in line that's pretty good but now man what an incident so you're gonna sit on the flight with this guy and he's like all right I made it you're like yeah yeah remember that whole fucking incident asshole and it was it felt good though that I was like why do you get to go I don't understand why we're on the same flight yeah why and then he said you don't have the balls to take action and you're like no you're an asshole who doesn't care about other people exactly lived your way we would have complete

chaos completely everybody would just get to keep cutting yes it wouldn't work society would crumble crumble but he'll never understand that that's what bugs me is the fact that it's not even that he's an asshole if he went up and was like I don't give a shit about you I'm making my flight fuck all you guys eat my ass blow me toodles I'd go I get it right I don't like it but I get it but this whole like well I'm not missing my flight that's what kills me the fact that he thinks he has some kind of valid reason right and also you want to be like don't you see that nine people are yelling at you cuz I was yelling at

him like yeah common denominator right right no one else is doing this it's just you and then the one lady that tried it felt so good she's like well do you want me to get she was of a similar persuasion do you want me to she's like you want me to get behind you then I'll cut out all these people and like yeah yeah you're not in front of me I don't understand how you would get to go in front of me right I'm here I'm on the same flight as you so you don't have priority over me now you're behind me that's what a line is it's a line insane I these people are like insane you don't have the balls that take action

well you know what balls take out of the 9-11 terrorists you know that's like exactly it's like going I'm at star Bob late for work I'm cutting to the front of line I have balls yes exactly now you're an asshole yeah your piece of shit you're breaking the rules and nobody wants an incident nobody wants to be on the daily news exactly so man that is infuriating but you got your flight everybody made it that guy turned out to be the pilot I'm sure and all's well that ends well exactly we made the flight and you know you just want to like the lady that was the lady that was like well I'm cutting to and I go no behind me

because she was in this row and you know how it goes like this yeah so yeah her stepping out of the thing would put her in front of us that's why I was like get back there yeah we sorry gov and I'm dying let it up getting off the plane at LaGuardia or JFK she was like walking towards the cab line cuz she got her suitcase first and we kind of picked up the pace to be like this get my cap first yeah I have balls I'm getting this cab first well we weren't in line yet so I just walk faster you walk faster you walk faster do you got that right well you know it's funny because I people just want it their way I was watching unsolved

mysteries and this lady killed a guy and then she was on the run and she kept going up to people and she was like I'm so hungry I have no money I'm cold out here can I can you help me and she's like no one's helping me and I'm like you killed a guy you crazy whore what's wrong but she doesn't understand that this guy died innocently you killed him he stopped his lights out but now you're like the world's against me it's like no no you killed the dude you're a murderer yes but she can't see it that way she's just like I'm cold that guy's in a pool of his own blood you fucking skank anyways it was quite a quite an incident

lot of yelling and shouting just like I said the blood pressure was just through the roof oh yeah and then you're looking at the person in front of you acting all like what are you talking about well there's something about travel where two things happen on in airports and bus stations and all this shit shitting gets way crazier you ever go to an airport bathroom and just guys like this is like guys from shitting from Turkey and Afghanistan and Canada it's all different kinds of crazy shitting international shitting international shitting is next level it's just like dropping bowling balls in there and then tensions are

higher you know you see the guy at the front desk going I'm not going back in you know I missed my flight because you guys you guys got a refund me or put me up and all that shit so it's uh it's it's elbows out there well I don't know how to fix it but it there's just so much stress because first of all you run out of room I saw somebody be like at one point tweet like why would you want to be the first one in the plane and you're like because they run out of room yes and you want to get your space above you and or sometimes the suitcase goes behind you so then when you land you're like hey my suitcase is six rows back

and everybody hates you so that's that's an issue that becomes stressful and then the zones people try to go in the wrong I know it's just a goddamn fucking mess it's a mess and the whole thing's very flimsy like we have all these rules all the security all this protocol but one one house of cards and the whole thing crumbles crumbles anyways that was a Germany tail and I got a lot of COVID shit too but tell me what's going on with your life well I just a long oh no it's good stuff that was a hell of a story but I just got to say you know we did the whole family thing we did a super spreader event we had we went to

Cape Cod to do hangout with the lady and all that good stuff and her family is so much more normal than mine don't you know you like that you know you got your family they're all whack jobs and then you go hang out with your ladies family and you're like oh you guys are nice you have a real home here there's a dog running around it's like a movie yeah same we got the same situation going yeah it's like a John Hughes film over here the kids lying down the banister there's a tree with presents under it there's a ham in the oven you know it's beautiful and it's just great but I got to tell you fatty I got nothing to say to these

people I know the feeling and then you you're so desperate for something to say that you end up just your standards for conversation go through the floor because you just need something I got a hot I got something for you please I'm dying out there I'm watching the news I'm reading fun facts and tidbits just to try to throw something out all right well I just this is for people like us because I always feel it's hard for me to connect with other people often connect for I got a few people I really connect with and some you're just dying I even people you're friends with you're like this is awkward because once you run out

of this one topic you talk about you're like hmm what we got here you know I mean so like what's the amount of sports it's the only reason I like sports because it gives you something sports are big and my thing is I have so little to say that I know I have so little to say so then I'm anticipating how bad this conversation is gonna be and then I clam up more right does that make sense of course I'm so worried about it's kind of like on stage where you're like that joke bomb so then you try to say something else on that bond now you're just trying to chase a laugh of course you're deep in there and then you're

thinking about a thing you said seven you hate that it happens on podcast you're like I'm talking right now but I'm thinking about a thing I said ten minutes ago totally all right here you go I got the answer for you please this is gonna blow your tits off you hear you listen to this folks this is gonna save you on every family outing so I follow this all these mental health things because I'm a mess hit me lost your phone questions slash ways to authentically connect with people wow change your life I send me the link dickless I haven't had a chance to try it yet okay quote if you could tell your younger self one

thing what would it be so you ask your your girlfriend's stupid fat aunt this but is that crazy what do you want beer or soda what's something you wish you'd done when you were a kid you fat whore I mean I don't I just feels like it's kind of left fielding it's a little left field but it's beautiful because you know it puts her in a spot she gets to think of something all right what would be your answer say I'm not I'm not Betty okay sitting there in sandwich Betty white and I say hey boy Red Sox really won the pennant that one year uh-huh let me ask you this mark I don't know you too well you sure you're a nice kid you're

fucking my my niece in the ass you got that right days yep loves it up the pooper if you can tell by the way I just saw Shelby's teeth for the first time ever the guy smile he likes anal jokes if you could tell your younger self one thing what would it be hmm I guess I'd say don't say the n-word on a podcast in 94 yeah well that's something I like it that's just one that's just one here's another one where do you feel the most happiest and most like yourself ah probably on a gay porn set um how is life feeling for you right now what is on your mind you could say that to your girlfriend's parents they'll fucking

love you forever yeah all right this is good where you gotta where'd you get this this is the the dot holistic dot psychologist she wrote a book it's but she puts it all on Instagram all right here's another one if you could travel anywhere in the world tomorrow where would it be and why that's a great one that one's a little lighter what did you learn about yourself this past year what's something you wish more people knew about you 10 inches all right yeah this is good stuff well there's a few questions I'm gonna try it this is my New Year's resolution I can't wait I'll be fucking the mom before you know it

will be connecting too much how often you think about fucking your girlfriend's mom it's crossed my mind and the dad you know and the sister and the brother and the nephew sister oh yeah interesting not oh boy well not saying I would but you know everything crosses your mind I thought about fucking Shelby today I thought as soon as he smiled I was like oh maybe yeah I like when he doesn't smile well you're in for news for you anyway so you're in sandwich you don't know what to say you don't know what to say but yeah you pushed through and then I'm doing a new thing I've actually caught maybe I caught this from you much

like COVID but I I'm doing a new thing where I used to be very self-conscious very worried about what people think and I noticed no one gives a fuck really and I'm used to be bad with kids because I would go it's kind of like Seinfeld where he's like hello how are you I was that way with kids yeah and now I see a kid I pick it up I punch it in the stomach I get in the headlock I go what racial what race do you hate the most your piece of shit it's one of the questions and then I'm like laying on the ground being this kid I'm great with kids I'm making him laugh he's dying laughing he's spitting up on me I changed his diaper I kept it

my little drawer there it's great that's fantastic I mean I love a good kid you know me I got a little Joe out there I go to see him and see how you got a kid named after you for Christ jizz I think I'm dying I'm still contagious all right oh yeah you don't sound you sound like Harvey Fierstein over here well you know what it is we're really getting worked up here you got that right Shelby's dying Shelby might be giggling for a second oh by the way oh we're almost done but yeah great time then here's the clinker left the parents house to go to bean town where her sister and husband live and these are good

good eggs they got a nice house we stay there we play with the kid we go out drinking we got eaten it's tough in these suburbs because you got nothing I know there's nothing to do except drink I don't know how you do it we'd start drinking 11 a.m. well here's what I do and we talked about this before I'm a winter beachgoer this is what I did yesterday two days ago with the niece and nephew I throw them in the car we're going to the beach we weren't too far from your wife's neck of the way either we go down to Marshfield we go to Hummer Rock Beach and you go out there the wind first of all it's unseasonably warm

it's like 50 degrees yeah but you go down there you watch the waves spray it it's quite spiritual you skip some rocks you throw some rocks you see the OSHA it gives you something to do I guess yeah I gotta have a beer in my hand at least just just holding a beer or holding a cocktail it adds so much oh I drink 75 ounces of water I have the liquid I mean I'm just crushing them on my head and throwing them send us some liquid death will you crazy coos get over here Ruth what is it Ginsburg what's her name Colleen Colleen yes send us some liquid death yeah you crazy whack job we need some water in here by the way Colleen

Quinn owns the Omaha funny bone and Louie thanked her in the special and like I looked at the Reddit thing everyone's like he's busting Collins balls Colin call me like everyone's tweeting at me they think it's like a joke that's like Louie's like Colleen Quinn like what kind of joke would that be yeah I don't get it I'm Margaret Normand stop the presses that's comedy gold but yeah so it was just a lesson in four days with the parents four days with the sister and I'm talking intimate they got a little smaller house and you wake up and they're right there and you got to go walk to the bathroom they

wake up at five because they have a two-year-old and I'm playing with the kid you're hung over being hung over with a kid might be one of the seventh circles of hell yeah but the kids are nice because I find my family I have the big extended family and I can't connect with any of them with the kids are there it's easier because I find it easy to connect with a kid because I feel like a kid and you can just talk to them they're honest and they're funny and you can be funny so easy to be funny I'm pulling my thumbs off they're on the floor shitting their pants they're completely genuine they they they just say what they're

thinking there's no filter no I love a kid and you know I'd like to date one because they're just so sweet they're great they're great they're innocent isn't that weird this kid has no idea about edges you know herpes racism yeah holocaust it's nice it's none of that's in there lost love breach of trust all that stuff my whole comedy set this kid doesn't know any of it yeah kids and cages I envy that yeah so had a good time pushed through it was kind of a breakthrough for me and I'm not to make it about myself but then it's your show well we fly out of there and here's the the rub you fly out I have immediate

immediate not clarity relaxation ah you know like you're with the family piece of mind centered hmm I don't know but you get out of there and you're like I'm going to a gig now and you feel like a load is all I'm gonna go do my thing the whole time you just sitting there going to these people like me am I getting too drunk I said something stupid yep I'm bored they hate me I'm not part of the family I'm fucking their daughter yeah you get that comfort zone comfort I knew that because I was with you know my wife's family for four days and then you had that thing we were like oh you know what I gotta go to the

bath and we know we had we went to the big giant house but there was above the garage apartment that we had so I kept being like oh I left my tea over there I'll be right back I'm gonna get my tea yes and I just go over there we go it's like you have oxygen for the first time right and so true and you go you come back but I had some connections myself like her brother's very quiet and there was a pool table like you want to play pool and he's never said anything to me before so it's like hey all right I'm in hey that's big so it feels good because you gotta live with these people you gotta make a life you gotta make it work

but yeah and then we go straight to my family now we've switched positions and it's tough because you're naturally a little more comfortable there but you want her to be comfortable too so you're kind of doing a little legwork to help her meet with the family halfway but the no drinking is tough yes also for me I put myself I'm like with her family because I know where for me at least where drinking goes I'd love to have that beer to be like oh this feels good but I'm like by 10 o'clock I'd be in a blackout yeah you fucking dumb British country you don't know what and then the next morning I'd be like I can't go down

there I know so that part makes it easier that's another thing no one talks about you're at these parents house they all get up early they're all 78 years old they wake up at 5 they farm they do all this shit in the morning and you just want to sleep till noon I know because not only even if you're not sleeping you just laying there in that cocoon and you don't have to think of any bullshit to say and you got your phone there you're like oh I'm watching a black guy get beat up on TikTok it's great well here's what I have because we're in Texas now they all live in Texas so every day 70 sunny the whole thing right but we live in

New York where it's just garbage during the winter so I want to be outside every single minute of the thing so it's sunny out and I'm like can we go outside they're like outside what are you talking about I'm like come on 65 it's sunny we're in Texas let's get outside right that's tricky to an officer I'm a control freak not a control freak but I want to do something yes I can't I can't just sit inside a house sitting and then her family so smart they're all they read like you wouldn't believe how much they read I believe it my parents are the same way these are two books a week people oh every single one of them so

they're literally talking about like 13th century Scottish politics I'm not joking and you're just sitting there and I feel like he stands I'm like what about sports you like sports yeah I'm dying and they're like look at me and I'm like yo yeah of course the till of the Huns she was great right I don't the fuck we're talking about those kilts it's crazy that's all I got the golf they invented golf they know about the economy in like the Czech Republic they're like wow the Czech Republic cronies going down so that's gonna affect the thing I get it and that's impressive but that does feel like a

little bit of a waste of time I guess it's a shit it's all what you're into over here watching 48 college football I'm watching you know Tulsa play fucking Oklahoma and they think that's a waste of time and they're going here's it's a ball in a hole yeah exactly like what are you an idiot I'm like I watched good fellas for the 300th time last night you notice his tie is green right so it's all pipes it's all pipes but let me give you my new years and we'll get the hell out of judge here sure so we go to Milwaukee by the way Milwaukee's like you're in sunny Tejas I'm in a freezing cold Wisconsin it's brutal the fudge

packers the cheese curds the beer the breweries it's just freezing out there and then the club of course is 18 miles outside of the city so it's a 30 minute drive into the town every day if you want to hit it up right so we do the show it's great it's a great club big improv 400 seats in a mall whatever it works the staffs amazing I'm in there with umar Khan he's a good egg killed it every night AJ was the host great local guy Finney no different AJ younger guy newer guy but I like Finney love Finney's a good chuch so here we go we got our game plan all right it's Friday night it's New Year's Eve we got two shows seven and ten which

means it'll end 11 30 so now you got a half hour to fucking get it together by midnight and smooth your lady so are you do you have to come out and say do the countdown I didn't I talked my way out of it because nobody wants nobody wants to sit in a mall and go count down kiss your fat grandma so I do my set I high-tailed out of there we jump in AJ's car we grab a couple of road beers and with some whiskey we jump in the car we're going it's 1151 he goes all right he's running red lights and he goes I know a bar we just got to get to a bar we get to this bar called the high note it's packed we get in there they're doing

karaoke or some bullshit we grab it's we park illegally we run in it's 1158 boom we get in there somebody hands you a cocktail you walk in you dip your lady ten nine smooch you look around you go there's a bunch of ghouls and mutants here let's get the fuck out nice now it's 1202 we go to this bar called Stella it's like a it's a black bar it's like out of animal house oh we dance with the dates yeah that it was that thing but it was super chill super cool great time you know swiggin booze and high-fiving and then it was a 1 a.m. we said let's go home it was the perfect New Year's it was great and we went back home and made

sweet sweet anal oh that's nice love that first sex of the new year which I haven't had yet I just oh really my parents house well they could watch yeah good point but yeah I love that new year you get home your fuck and it's the first one of 2022 it feels good nice orgasm hotel to hotel adds a lot well when you're together for a million years you need the hotel you hope to have a mirror so you can watch yourself yes you know Bob Hope or whatever that's and yeah isn't that weird though like yeah we'll be in our apartment all day long they're right when we hotel it's like just turns into horn town but it's

something about your dumb sheets your dumb artwork your dumb rug your dumb cat your dumb dick well that's where you're regular that's where you're like do we need toilet paper cuz I was wiping my ass it was really bleeding like a sieve over there sorry about that again at the hotel it feels sexual it feels like an affair feels like something you can picture the sister it's a little bit easier it is on the TV the remote the drapes exactly right hate the drink but I got I gotta tell my COVID till they'll do it next about teas again wait what this COVID stuff I got a whole I didn't know I was stepping on your

Omicron step I took 45 minutes to tell the the thing but it's German all right all right well boy hot up fun time good to see again happy Jew year and we're we got a studio we're making things of ourselves we killed the cat we're living it up we got a studio we're doing a ton of bonuses I got COVID still currently I'm giving it to these guys please and yeah get on the patreon like we said you heard the ad earlier we're doing all kinds of new stuff it's gonna be fun it's gonna be exciting we got new merch we got the Greg thanks Diego friend Diego designed some new shirts those are up on the website the link is

in the wherever somewhere the link I assume the links in the YouTube and the podcast thing and description yeah YouTube tell a friend spread the love patrons cooking a lot of live stuff coming we should do a live up sometimes century we're gonna talk to Liz Vancouver has been canceled of course Omicron no Vancouver I think Seattle's still on I'll figure that out ASAP I'm going to Dallas in January I forget the day and I'm sure that's on boy you're more Texas and Ted Cruz you're down there every week I know in February 15th I'm back in Houston secret group get your tickets now love that room Boston in

April Laugh Boston Patriots Day Week and April 13 14 15 I think Shelby are making a face do we lose all this all right all right I'll be a bridge port stress factory in Connecticut this weekend Sacramento punchline Kansas City improv Syracuse funny bone La Jolla Des Moines Iowa we got a lot of fun fun wacky dates on the blower La Jolla is coming up in San Diego Austin again for moon tower that's later in the year but yeah well we'll do it up thanks for listening keep being gay fuck you dad we love you wipe your ass braze Allah we'll see you in hell