Tuesdays with Stories! - #434 Gay Jokes

Episode Date: January 11, 2022

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hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy I could have gone louder but we're in the studio the 17 people conducting business around us they're real adults they have jobs Jerry I'm gonna come right out on the record the studio is the biggest mistake we ever

made they're gonna come in here and I just sell the cat for this thing and jail us I mean literally we're sitting in here right before this I mean I gotta whisper here before where the cameras we're sitting here having a nice conversation about you know rape and all of a sudden I just hear well we gotta pack it in 48% in the third quarter or else we're gonna blow each other yes I'm talking every detail I can hear his ex sales I can hear the person on the phone I heard a lady queef this guy's at Merrill Lynch he did 9-11 behind us I heard the whole thing they're gonna kill us yeah and we can't do the podcast we

have to just talk like regular people we know it's sunny out there good news is this free coffee and you can shit in the bowl and leave it I just went to the bathroom it's a communal effort here bathroom I don't know which camera to look in this this one camera a plus I got two comments about the studio I want to kill myself don't read the comments they're not good they're really good direct message got my number off of you know grinder and message me he's slid into your DM they says the kids say they slid into my BMS he's got shit all over his dick and I gotta ask him my nipples that's how you get AIDS but I read that

recently yeah joking no somebody with AIDS comes right inside your butt and is it's thing you know old Jets a millionaire come delivered I didn't know that I thought it was blood oh the black is this I think this tearing and then the cum goes into the book the tear right come in the tear that's a band come in the tear it's like a what do you call that oh pair oh I was thinking like a Swedish metal band ah come in the tear da da da dum dum dum dum dum dum dum shame what is it over there with the Nordic honkies who love that deep satanic metal well it's cold I think it's cold in Boston well we got to see you know we

got some rock and roll but we're also it's America you know I think up there it's also dark for like 48 years or something like that same with the Eskimos right say they got that insomnia movie we all saw that with Al Pacino Eskimos real is that a myth oh they're real I used to live with two they kept the apartment very cold Eskimo Vaughn move on was a baseball player move on I was thinking of Mo Green Eskimo green there you go there you go Eskimo pie oh yeah blonde egg bar you know Mo pie I don't know Mo pie he played lacrosse all right but anyway so I went to the communal bathroom over

here and I imagine everyone's gonna get to know us where the new kids on the block over here well it's New York City let's not forget there's a real keep your head down and move on vibe I suppose so by the way there's some food in the fridge you'll be taking I didn't know that I'm it's not label it's just like this is a Gatorade bottle lasagna no label I mean that's it's the end of that that's that's open game I mean it's a rabbit season well careful labels but I went into the bathroom label baby baby I went into the bathroom and someone's taking just a vicious Duke I think it was Chuck I mean you look like you take

bad shit oh no rabbit shit what rapid test those don't work no you look you got the look of a guy who takes weird weird shit I could see it yeah blood mostly rabbit though but all right I see you with impractical jokers on the iPhone just dropping soup cans in that bowl but to each is anal well anyway someone is sticking it up in there so I went to piss and you don't want to shit shame no everyone's against the shame you can't shame for anything anymore but shit shit we all shit we're all we're all in this together here number two well we all shit you don't shame for a regular shit and shame for a bad shit we don't

all shit like this guy go true peek over there I will like that I'll get a whiff of the bowl I'll put my nose right in that puppy but it's everybody poops nice you know it's I still got a little long going long cove but you don't want to shit in an office like this because you can see the sneaker and I thought even he's gonna see my sneakers and so I did I made the executive decision not to wash my hands I don't want to be in there any longer but then I thought I got recognizable sneaks and the big red so I had to go back like I started out and I had to be like whoop you ever make that noise when you

pretend you forgot something yes yes I was like oh and so I went back in and washed my hands but don't you think it's Chuck what are you doing that's the loudest crinkle ever what do you open in a diaphragm over there what was that going for a losage I'll stop what is the blue losage I got red losages mental oh you got a little throat is oh I get some dust allergies okay okay I'm good well anyways wouldn't you rather not wash your first of all I don't even wash your hands but you know when you rather not wash your hands than sit and stew and of course build shit I mean I go into the airport I whiz I do this I

let the water run and I get out of there I don't like wet hands well I don't put the water on the hands I just fake it that's what I mean I don't want I don't I fake it cuz I don't want wet hands I don't what hands either who needs them and I'm gonna be touching stuff and you know we gotta build an immunity I think I think there's something to spreading the germs it's good get it and spread it that's my motto now yes spread those cheeks and we got a we got a you know we got a germ up this nation a little bit everybody's purelling I had a guy I'm still looking for apartments by the way the realtor guy showing us around he

would go into a place purel you know after you touch the doorknob then he would show us around he would open a door purel I'm like you're gonna kill yourself your hands are gonna disintegrate you're just wiping them with chemicals all day I sat next to a guy in the plane I told you he took the little thing they gave him which I've never used ever I've never used it and he just smeared everything he just wiped everything yes they go to town single thing and I'm like listen pal I'm gonna be picking my nose and shoving it my ass and farting on your mouth when you sleep so totally I don't know what to

tell you but are you done with the village just admit it the village sucks it's a shithole it's horrible and you don't want to be there just say it out loud well I mean I loved of the deep village you walk around on Perry Street Charles Street bleaker all that by the water is beautiful I'm talking just Parker I'm talking 2022 village no it ain't the same horrible my whole dream was to get to the village Dylan McDougal Street the comedy cellar bohemia and then now it's a bohemio it's Thunderdome it's just hobo I'm dodging shit I'm like a guy in a monkey cage and I gotta get out it's horrible I hate the walk

from the cellar to the village underground well it's a half a block I know it's a half a block but it's a fucking haunted house of a half a block it's a half a haunted house block there you go it's an HHB but yeah that cut left first of all you cut left you got to go by the Barker the Barker Bob Bob Barker yeah you know the guy who goes hey free comedy show free cut and then he goes hey and you go hey and you feel guilty because he's barking and you're going to a great show and that's just part of it I guess I have guilt over that I had this happen yesterday with a friend who shall not be named do you hate this I hate this

you say you yourself say I've never seen this and then they go no they disagree but I'm like I'm not saying let me just give you this thing hey give me that getting fatty I'll give you the whole situation it's our female Barker okay I've never seen that thank you this is why you're a good friend and a better podcast partner I gave it away yes and I've actually seen it multiple times but I'm going with it I say I'm like I've never seen it I say you never which doesn't mean it's not a statement I've never seen this you understand the difference between I've never seen that and you never see that of course one is colloquial oh yes one's like it's an expression

you never see that means you've seen it but not often yes I've never seen that means I've never seen that right you with me so far very with you she hit my mouth you're a good friend I try you never see that shit in the mouth see I've seen it but you never see it it's on my wallpaper thank you what a good pal you are anyways so I say I never see female Barkers you never see that and then he goes no there's lots of female Barkers and I go well I've never seen one and he goes no they're they're everywhere there's tons of them oh I hate this I'm saying what I've seen and you're disagreeing with what I've seen I I'm so with you I'm not saying there are no female Barkers right I'm saying I never seen a female Barker I myself with my eyeballs I've never seen

it he's like no no no there's lots of them I see them all the time well this is you know what this is this is some kind of like this guy's trying to push some progressive thing on you which is fine I'm glad there's female Barkers I think women should be barking but he's pushing this thing down your throat of like oh no they're there like yeah I know but don't put your bullshit on me I just haven't seen it exactly and not only should be barking they should be leashed and caged agreed these women like the kids of the order too good for too long if you ask me yeah like look I've never seen a black guy be on time you never see that but my point is I'm with you I get this with this one this is this is my version of that you go uh somebody goes uh hey uh the the the

the garbage man's on fire and you go that's oh that's something goes I'm not joking I'm like I know it's still funny that's why it's funny it's because you're not joking but they go I'm serious like I know right I can still have an involuntary laugh I can see why you're that you're serious that's making it very funny yes yes when they go no no I'm serious I'm like I know but I still found it funny yeah what do you want me to do yeah it drives me nuts they go hey this kid is uh his pants fell down I go that's pretty hot he goes no no no it's not a joke I'm like I know I'm turned on the kids pants are down oh boy oh boy I mean this is just serious trouble call in right now 1877 offended if you're having trouble with the episode I think I hear the guy next door

he's calling I mean there's no way we're surviving here no we have to get the thick blankets and the whatever whatever it is the eggshells you know we should do is put some uh caution tape on the door or like under construction they'll throw on some vests and get a couple drills in here and they'll go oh it's a bunch of fucking rude ass crazy construction guys that's not bad not bad because people nobody respects a construction no people assume construction guys are retarded yes they've hurt them before I've never seen a retarded construction you see how I did that I like that but yeah yeah we get some hard hats we get some steel toe boots we say a couple n words get a car like a crawler and are you gonna bear claw we'll come in here with a with a big vest

and a belt well I gotta say we could pat chuck could pass for construction because he's a bit well if he lost the glasses okay but he's chunky he's got a flannel on but we're not construction guys I mean you're very handsome I mean I'm gonna fuck I got glasses well we give you the clipboard and the weird tripod with that thing on it you know and you go oh well what are you you're like a model yeah what are you talking about we got abs you're tan you get laid well you used to get laid I mean now you probably get laid still but the one person sure sure but I mean you're wearing you got cool sneaks you're wearing nice clothes I mean you can't be a construction these were free I mean look I'm just saying I could come in here I could put some blackface on I'll I'll

doll it up a little bit all right well you maybe maybe we can bad haircut I'll do it like a black out of tooth well it's yellow okay sorry I mean yellow stop Asian hate either way we'll make it work I feel like we can pull off construction I might get invisible I don't know I'm working really that's a big jump there yeah it hurts it hurts I mean your teeth are it's like a continental shift they got to go over time and just pop into place it's a big deal I read Steve Buscemi he said he never did because he gets the roll so maybe I'll get some roll but I'm not getting any rolls I'm getting rolls in my stomach but sure yeah yeah well he's the funny looking guy what was it on the fargo just kind of a funny just in a general sort of way yeah yeah he's got a kooky mug that guy

yeah you ever see that one ghost world where he's uh he's trying to bang Joe Hanson yeah I saw ghost world and then he's particularly ugly in Billy Madison when he crosses the name out of lipstick uh that that scene it was funny but it was jarring because it was so eerie quite jarring Chuck making a face what's the face something wrong I'm just looking at the settings all right oh good everything's good it's not good but yeah Buscemi big fan but great guy sweet guy I get to hang out with them hang out with them a couple times volunteer firefighter yeah he's really something if I could do it all over again I'd probably be a fireman what I think I was successful it doesn't make sense well if I people that are unsuccessful say that really yes if I could do it all over again I would

do this I don't know you're a hero you hang out in the truck all day you got a pole you're eating chili you got the the warehouse well I gotta tell you I spend a lot of my time with fireman and that's what I wanted to be that was my dream really more than comedy because I wanted to fall the family footsteps the whole thing Irish alcoholic yes exactly I don't like to work you know just take naps right right a lot of time off but you had to be a paramedic to become a firefighter and that's just and then to be a paramedic you gotta put the needles and I hate the needles Jerry I just want to put fires out I don't want to sell anybody that's a uh what do you call it mandatory I believe so I can literally hear the phone ringing yeah not not the ring tone like he's

making a call like his phone isn't ringing he's dialed 9-1-1 I assume I know Jesus Christ well this could be the last one folks wherever we go we'll take this at least but anyways I wanted to be a fireman but that's that's what deterred me from my dream they were like it's right to be a paramedic and I was like I don't want to be a paramedic that's horrible yeah I'm out now I didn't know that I thought it was carrying a fat lady down a flight of stairs you got some soot on your face you know or how about that uh that circular thing you catch guys with on the roof trampoline no I think it's a trampoline no trampoline you bounce this you catch uh I think it's similar though it's similar it's something a lean it gives whereas the tramp is taught maybe it's

ladio lean ah because you're not a tramp tramp you go up and down I like it is that clever that's something I can't tell anymore Chuck didn't care for it you're lean lean you got you got time to lean you got time to trampoline um I'll tell you he's not lean Chuck always back to body shaming Chuck's disgusting figure uh but any tits no firemen are fun that's a good gig but I think what you mean is if there was no comedy or if you couldn't if there was if you had to do something else maybe but if you had to do it all over again I would do everything the same you're doing very well well I think you have to be 35 and under to get in the fire squad I could that's president ah president's 35 you got to be 35 be a president yeah isn't that weird that seems high

I think it should be a max it should be between 35 and 65 no one in particular making me think this well somebody's got a great joke like Biden's what 80 I don't think he's 80 yet but I think he's like 78 or 79 can we get a ruling on that who's got that joke about like if your uber driver was as old as biden you'd be like this guy shouldn't be working and then yet he's in charge of the free world well I think people talk about I think mar said that a bunch I don't know if he did it as a bit but he kept saying he's like in no other profession would you think the best candidate is 78 years old of course any single job you wouldn't be like we should go with the 78 year old yeah yeah what do you got 79 79 okay good year right there at the end

he's the oldest right so far I think so I think it's not even well well Ronald Reagan might have approached 80 but he wasn't elected uh huh well back in the day people didn't even live to 79 you know like Hoover probably died at 61 yeah I suppose so sucked up something he's gone from suck to blow so let me let me throw this at you there please let's get into some business here uh had a had a bit of a fun little esoph's fable what do you got anything he's the oldest biden's the oldest Reagan was 77 when he left yeah and so now biden 79 so he beat him and that was a 1985 77 which is a little shakier yeah oh he was shaking little Michael J so go down to bridge port Connecticut up up for the stress factory sorry not a bad gig you get to fly you don't have to

fly you drive in it's an hour and a half we left early me and Marcus Monroe good egg funny guy nice guy sweet kid and uh I had a little little fun moment happened so we do our show it was horrific I ate my ass I got heckled for six hours yeah one of those shows where you get off stage and like oh man I feel like I got my I feel like I was in a fist fight at a bar yeah and then you got to go say hi to everybody which is also brutal probably shouldn't be doing that with Omicron but hey to each his anal you don't have to yeah you're right so we get out of there we go back to the hotel we walk the two blocks go to the hotel and uh I've had a couple pops by then and there's a guy behind the glass everybody's doing the mass down here now I think that's just where we're at as a

country yeah well I think when it's required but you don't want to do it yeah yeah he didn't this is a bullshit hotel it's a bullshit town he didn't give a fuck we didn't give a fuck so we walk in and I go what's up with breakfast and he goes that's uh from 6 to 11 I go who how's that work is that complimentary and he goes you gotta have a breakfast pass I go how do you get one of those he goes I don't know you gotta you gotta get one and I was like I think they give them out to people they like or girl scouts or presidents I don't know so I go how about this I give you free tickets to the show you give us a couple uh a couple breakfast passes and he goes done nice yeah you're a regular Gary Menke yeah he's just super a super black gay black guy who then we get the

passes beep beep I put him on the list I go he'll never show up whatever wake up the next day jerk off go down to breakfast I'm the only guy there the way just walks up so you guys you got your pass I go yeah yeah yeah she goes just put your pass down when you're done be on your way and I go great free shit it's all covered I leave I go oh I want to tip this lady no cash I forgot my whole wallet so I go I'm gonna throw my hips off guilty so what do you do I get back so I go I'm gonna leave and uh I swear to God I'll come back get some cash I swear and she's giving you like nah mm-hmm sure so I leave go up to my room key doesn't work ah shitbox hotel go back down get the key fixed go back up so now it's been 28 minutes sure on the way down I go let me hit the gym I do

one quick pull up you know come back down she's gone but I go I want to tip I throw a couple bucks on the table my ear pods were on the table the whole time interesting so it's a whole little lesson there tell me the lesson the lesson is I wasn't listening I came back to tip to do the right thing and I got my ear pods if I had not if I had flown the coop I would have lost my pod so it was like hey you you got rewarded for doing the right thing interesting Ray con yes that's what they were Ray cons Ray cons no question about it exactly I mean that's a fun story I mean I like that doing the right thing pays off yeah it's no Shawshank redemption but uh you know it was it was a little lesson and and being a good guy coming back and getting the jizz yeah you got it if you

don't get the jizz you can't swallow the cums what I say oh I think that was uh Matthew 108 yes all right all right oh that's bible did you read bible at all oh did I read bible I was in bible study oh oh tell me about that's embarrassing I'd like please diddle me I'm dying here this is so boring please nerd alert yeah well it's a catholic school right forced my dad said you're becoming a bad seed you're a bad egg you're a bad comic you're going to bible study they had some good points and uh so I had to get out of public school I was hanging out with the uh the brown kids wow threw me righty but I had a fucking tie on it was like out of a movie I had slacks and what age are we talking here 13 14 with your slack you have to wear slacks oh I was a slacker

yeah your slacker now you're gonna wear slacks that's something they're slacky man if that was 88 that would be really cooking but uh yeah yeah it was brutal I remember my first day I walk in with my dad because he had to like enroll me great again ninth oh with your dad I mean seeing with your dad in ninth grade you got to take your own life it was uh it was like before the school year started I had to get in and you have to take a you have to take an interview what do you have the keys I was there with the summer stuff going on you know kids are running around sure I walk in a kid trips me that's my first interaction with catholic school big black guy trips me follow my ass they all start laughing it was wild my dad goes come on he's picking me up I go I give the guy a look

and that was it we gotta get him on the show I know you're the big black guy from catholic school the trip mark Norman call in immediately we gotta get you in here I love I mean he's a funny guy he killed I was just the the uh the the fall guy oh I'd love to see his big black cock really close to my face sure we can make that happen I could get on craigslist right now and call a guy really a bigger guy well is that Craig from Madison huh the rapper turn comedian two chains no he's a black guy with a dick I assume what's his name serious name serious serious xm what's his name no sincere life sincere life yes that's it shout out to sincere hey Craig good egg did he did he get rid of sincere is he like prince now I'm not sure I've been talking to him in a minute

well either way high school was tough yeah high school's hard well high school was great for me I loved it we had a chapel what the hell's a chapel well you go pray we had to go to church every now and then I mean it was a nightmare oh this is just a falling it was bad I was thinking of what's it called what's the guy my uncle's one in the air force priest you go talk to it's not a priest but it's similar chaplain oh is that chaplain Charlie yeah Charlie is that the right word a chaplain I've heard a chaplain yeah chaplain you go talk to he's like a guidance counselor for adults who have like shell shocker I never knew what that was I was a chaplain chaplain I know what it was I think it's a religious II thing you might want to give that a google too I

think it's a chap la in yeah but I think it's not full religious because he doesn't give a she's not going to church or anything it's just borderline I think you're a guy that sits in a hut and then says that he's got a mustache so I guess that's allowed okay he gets a hut that's pretty good I don't know if it's a hut but it's an office I don't know sunglass hut what are they gonna hunt I've seen it to the mall there's no hut it's a it's a kiosk at best I think that's there this the the pitch the branding the branding that's correct yes we're on a beach we're living life we're in the sun everyone loves the beach business yeah but the funny thing is actually being in a hut is a nightmare you got no AC you got no floor you got no running water

you got no bathroom what do you got on a chaplain chaplain a member of the clergy attached to a private chapel institution ship branch of the armed forces interesting okay so I have got it my uncle a priest though he doesn't wear a collar or anything I mean this guy he's he shoots guns he's a member of the clergy I think that's pretty open okay you know this bishops cardinals you know pastors whatever right he hasn't been to church since 1981 I don't think I mean this guy I think it's just like a going on a therapist yeah he's like a therapist I think because I think a religious therapist back in the day your priest was the therapist but you go I got a problem I got to go talk to clergyman Johnson and remember he would come around to your mom go oh let me make

dinner the priest is here we didn't do any of this stuff we were cool looking back I'm like we were cool dudes we didn't do any of this horseshit we didn't do it either but I saw it happen you can't backtrack now you got a tie on you're getting tripped by a black well I had to wear a tie I had to do it I don't know it was part of the uniform I don't know your suspect if you ask me I think you pray all right maybe I pray I've been prayed upon I saw a priest have a stroke on stage in front of me what we were I went to a Catholic school and the priest had a stroke on stage in front of the whole school wow yeah it was he was that was the funniest he's ever been now who's stroking it coming to join you honey oh that's exciting my family was when I was a little bitty kid my grandfather

he was in the church he would hang out at the church oh you see you're you're in there too there dickless but I put my foot down but my grandfather I remember being like a young kid he participated in some sketch or something and he got pieced in the face what is this guy in the groundlings who's your uncle because it was no grandfather oh he was a grandpa yeah he took a pie in the face but I remember being a kid and I didn't understand the context and getting mad I was like six and I was like these sons of bitches just fucking pied grandpa I wanted I wanted to get some blood I wanted to trip them like you're black yes yes big black you didn't know about the uh the pie joke well I didn't know what was going on I was I was three years old I had a tiny dick and I just went

to go to talk to God or when I didn't understand anything I thought it was stupid even then I always hated it but there was people shouting about and my grandfather went up and said hey you break it up boys and then they hit him in the face of the pie that's a cool grandpa though yeah super cool I mean he's like the coolest the whole family's gone to shit since he died but yeah well yeah he was the nucleus two things about the pie in the face it's a weird gag because it's not actually a joke it's just I guess it's like a cartoon slapstick bullshit two I'd like to eat the pie well I think it was I think when you get pied in the face it's just shaving cream or whatever well that was my third thing I got pied in high school it hurts nobody it's I bet it's just the

the foam does nothing and then you get the tin hand that they like to really mush it for effect you're like hey I got a nose here yes who knows I mean yeah it is a hand of the note did you ever have to check your for cancers did you guys do the cancer cancer I got it up the ass what are you talking about bowel we did the check the cancer you had that maybe this is a New England thing what the hell check the cancer you'd say you'd say to a person you know if your hand is bigger than your face it means you have cancer and then people do this and then you smash their hand into their face wow that's pretty violent and it would really hurt but the thing was you could have just smacked me in the face I don't understand why you had to make me feel stupid and use my own hand well it's

all about the feeling stupid I think that's the gag but you could just be like hey your father has cancer what bye you know I guess but you don't now if you're hitting you it's funnier I guess so but you're hitting me you're hitting me with the thing it's like the tins not hitting you guns kill people or whatever I don't I disagree but the people kill people you're not like the tin man ah you hit you with the tin yes so it's the same with the hand I didn't hit myself well then hit my hand which hit me the hand is the tin right for intent in that's what I'm saying I see tan tan if I only had a heart yes all right well either way the pie in the face is overrated I think that's why I died out when's the last time you see a pie in the face it's been a while yeah it was

everywhere in the 70s 80s you know pre-internet pie in the face was viral that was like the world star it's also weird to just jump to hitting someone with a pie like why not talking out you know well talking out ain't funny hey we should uh work this out oh yeah this is comedy gold well it could be if you like shut your fucking mouth I'll put my dick in your ass if you don't shut up I mean that's funny I guess that's funny that's gay porn I guess that's the whole plot if you don't shut up put my dick in your ass and they go print it you know my favorite joke ever please the uh the two gay men they've been married for years and they're trying to spice up their sex life hey wait gays are married now what the fuck how long was I out Jesus what world are we

living in so let me just get right to it please so then the two gay guys and they're married for many decades and they're trying to spice up the sex life so it was illegal yes so they did the gay man one gay man says to gay gay a says to gay b uh kb it's a bad to get bit by a dog a poodle or it's a gay baby so he says we're spiced up our sex life I got an idea I'll hide and if you can find me I'll blow you and the other guy says great and then guy a says I'll be behind the couch that's a great joke I mean it's a classic classic joke you know the other gay joke that was always good not as good as that one but uh guy there's three guys had to sleep in a bed you know they could only afford one hotel room they're all in the same bed the guy in the end goes man I had this crazy dream that uh

somebody was yanking me off and the guy on the other end goes I had the same dream and the guy goes what'd you have in the guy in the middle goes I was skiing I mean that's a great joke I mean I mean that is that's what he's dying you can't poo poo the joke that's cool I'm not poo pooing it's just that joke's been around since the 70s I'm not saying it's new I'm not saying it's fresh I'm just saying it's a classic homo joke oh it's okay it's okay it's okay what about this one you want to go really old I mean this one's from 82 I think bring it on the older the better it's the one where I mean we got to whisper these jokes this is bad news bears there's no way not to mention we're in Manhattan if there'd be one thing if we were in fucking Indianapolis or something but

it's gonna be a gay skyscraper for all we know this could be where they shoot uh broke back so the uh the two guys I mean you know this one this joke from the 40s the two guys are they're fucking in the shower they're fucking in the shower in the ass and the guy says hey the phone he gets a phone call the shower it's the phone it's been walls it's like this I'm here in phone start from the beginning he's in the shower the two guys they're of the homosexual descent and they're having a sex in the shower all right all right that's a big shower they're having sex in the shower you know and then the phone ring it's folk back in the day there was no answer machine the landline was written it's a landline I know machine so he's like I got to

take this call it could be you know do your house or whatever the president yeah he goes don't come until I get back oh okay whatever you do don't come until I'm back here and the guy all right you got it I've never heard this he goes he takes the phone call you know he chats with his mother or whatever sure he comes back and this is come all over the shower this semen on the soap it's on the tub it's on the shower curtain it's on his face and he goes what are you doing you piece of shit I told you not to come and the guy says I didn't I fired it oh wow that's brilliant wow who wrote that Mort's all I mean that is a fucking Bill Cosby Groucho Marks uh is that a Confucius that is brilliant I fired it

it's my favorite joke I've never heard that oh man wow I thought it was seven I mean that's because you were at Catholic school we had no God you didn't get the school was where gay jokes were invented I mean more of a documentary but still wow that is really a hell of a zinger I mean I was living with the horrible joke my dad why did Michael Jackson buy the kids underwear they were half off you know that's got nothing on the comfort whoa that is good stuff that's a fun one man that's a fun one and there's your clip well I don't know we'll get banned from San Francisco after that point hey folks what's shaking Tuesdays with stories is sponsored by better help online therapy we've

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I think you got an iron lung there you're like you're hocking up a black lung well when I get worked up oh yeah who that was uh see those old jokes man they really pack a wallop that's good fun he had a whole lot of coming his ass yeah there was another one where's that other one where the guy one guy farts and he's like then they go oh he goes who's the gay guy we got to find the gay guy to the dragon from a truck or whatever and one guy fart oh it's not him and one guy goes like he's the gay remember that one no I don't give that a goo that one's I don't know how you're gonna google that type in PLL TTT yeah all right well we gotta focus here we have anything yeah we got a we you know what I mean sorry all right so uh what else happened in bridgeport I had another thing

oh had a lady get dragged out it got ugly Vinny brand and this lady where it was one of those things where me and her are going back and forth and you're kind of like where's the club like where's the staff what is going on oh yeah I know those it was out of control and like I get it nobody wants to work nobody gives a fuck about their comedy club it's like working at Applebee's basically you know it's a club so there's no care there's no pride in your gig or whatever so I'm just like what is going on and the whole audience going kick her out kick her out kick her out and I'm like yes I agree and one guy goes why don't they kick her out and I eventually go I don't know I guess the club doesn't give a fuck oh boy I lost

it because I was like what are we doing here I see waitresses going back and forth I see management going back and forth and eventually they they get her up and she's going don't fucking touch me we got the whole thing on tape wow yeah and they're pulling her out and she's like I was laughing I literally ever on tape going like roast me roast me come on bring it bring it bring it like bring it what do you think this is I have an act I'm doing a comedy show I got a zinger about a gig I'm coming jizz all over the farting so I got pretty ugly and they they drug her out and the boyfriend stayed oh my god the boyfriend's always stay well they want to see a show they're paying yeah I hate these people that are like get me involved roast me make it about me it's very strange

it was weird and it's weird to drive there pay the fee park your car get your ticket and be like I'm gonna ruin the show yeah I don't understand that I don't I don't know if it's like is that their intent going in or it's gotta be a there's a seedling in their head when they're heading there I maybe maybe and I think the booze kicks in and I think she's like everybody's laughing this is a fun show he's being irreverent he's I'm going hey look at this gay guy look at this black guy whatever and she's like me me now I guess I don't know I can't figure these people out you want to get into a room with them and just go what is it what's your deal what do you think a comedy show is that's like what the show I wanted to pitch that no one's buying I think about this show every

six minutes is just like that they get to the bottom of it what's happening yes what's going on why are you doing that and you you need other people to go no no you're wrong you need like eight people with you to go no no you're wrong because they just think they're right they're like this is comedy you can't handle it this is what we do we heckle well it's like my thing from last week or two whenever it was the guy cutting everyone in line where I'm like why do you think 11 people are mad at you yes you're not thinking that's weird exactly anyways so we're better than everybody it got it got kooky but uh you know there's this new show now uh have you heard of this where they you know people with the shopping carts they leave them anywhere they shit in them they

put them up their ass people are very uh loosey goosey with shopping carts okay and now there's a guy who goes out there and he goes what are you doing oh I've seen that guy and he shames them yeah I saw that on a clip somewhere 99% of the time they snap they're in the wrong they leave a cart in the handicap spot or whatever it is and he's like what are you doing they're like what do you mean like you can't just leave a cart there and they're like I was gonna move it and it's a very interesting look into the human psyche because you fucked up you were a dick I called you on it and you're mad right because you feel shame right well to be fair though the one clip I saw the guy kept harassing the person well that's not good and after a while it's it's kind of like we well we

talked I guess it was off here but we talked about people that will purposefully upset somebody and then be like look at them snap I don't like that I don't care for that so there is some of that there's an aspect of that because the one I watched the guy kept being like I don't know I'm sorry you'll you grab it or whatever I'm the guy it starts off as somebody doing something shitty yeah but then the other guy like well you're just harassing random people you're being shitty after a while I've noticed that you know a lot of these Karen videos the guy holding the camera is a bit of a Karen himself or herself right and you have to what's good for the goose is good for the gander kind of takes one of no one ah you spot it you got it as we say smelted dealt it so yeah I've noticed a lot

of these uh Karen callers can be a Karen in their own right but they might be like a black guy so nobody assumes they're Karen so you can't judge a Karen there's a Karen in all of us no judge here come the judge it's not a cop it's a it's a it's a tickle it's a PND a PND post nasal drip by the way I had a great moment at the stand the other night please I was at the stand five shows in one night don't you love five you don't have to go anywhere wait at the same club upstairs downstairs I love it it was the best and we had a good hat great hang happening we had Ari Shafir we had Rich Foss we had Steve Rogers Isabelle Hagan some other people that I don't know but they seem nice you know those people did they did they hang back or were they trying to get in the middle

what do you mean you know sometimes you got some new guys so you don't know and they they're not the core group and they try to hang and they hang around um it was a good good hang all night hang but that upstairs room is tough sledding oh every time same material 10 feet below murdering you go up a flight of stairs 10 feet above you bomb fest you can't believe it and the people downstairs are like this guy's great it's fun to see that one of the great comedic minds you go upstairs and those people are like this this guy sucks he sucks and he's stupid and I hate him yes it's wild fascinating and it's all lighting it's all pipes isn't that weird the light if the lighting is good and the room is good you're a genius if the lighting is bad and the room stinks you're a

fucking loser I equate it to a strip club you go to a strip club the right music's playing like the the place is decorated the lighting is good then you go upstairs and you got the same chick in a in a target yes just doing this shit in a target with no music and you go fucking woman's insane yeah she's crazy and she stinks she's got a c-section scar her kid's on the side of the stage and uh you know she's she's got a dick I think he stinks and I don't like him yes um five sets but he did the sets what was he gonna say about the stand I can't even remember you had a great night fuck five sets up and down what the hell was it set of stairs that the good room bad room I hate you straight in Roger right hang hang good times oh god I lost you know

it's weird there is a green room at the stand and I don't feel like anyone's using it I went in there the other night just Sarah and I that same night we were just sitting down there and it was like we were in our living room you feel stupid yeah because you're like what we could have just done this at home I guess is yeah I guess you're right if another one came down what the fuck was I gotta talk about at the stand god damn it I want to kill myself all the time well I gotta I gotta pickle while you trickle you do the pickle okay but I won't be able to think of mine because I'll be listening to you but that's fine it'll spring forward I think it'll jostle all right perfect night five spots same building great hang yeah but all that was just distraction I got excited

it was all something about the stand had a great night at the stand yeah let me jostle jostle it up we got some dead air jostling here so I'm at the bridgeport funny bone and this lady's been tweeting at me for like I don't know three years I thought of it I knew you would it was because I you know why because I had to clear my throat post nasal drip it's a quick story I'm gonna quick and then I want to hear this lady but I was sitting there talking to some of these young comics and we were talking about COVID Omicron I got some stories about that and I said I got I'm like I'm fine but I have this little tickle the post nasal drip right keep going and they're like I have that too and then that guy was like I have that too and then a guy was coming by an audience but we're

heading to the city he goes you guys talk about post nasal drip after you have COVID we're like yeah he's like I got that shit too we all went wow and we were like what a fun feeling and someone said it's I'd rather a doctor telling you you're a hundred percent fine is not as valuable as someone else going I have the same thing ah yes isn't that valuable it is it feels good because you're like I'm not alone it's the whole basis of the me too movement alcoholics anonymous and uh that's a LM yeah exactly yeah that's it all right let me hear about this lady no no but that is nice it was a fun feeling we all got together and said hey post nasal drip from COVID you said once when you look up an illness that you have and it has a name you automatically feel better exactly which is why

Lou Gehrig got fucked yeah because he's like shit there's nothing named after this I'll take it hey let's but all right so this lady it's very nice lady been tweeting at me like I wish I could see your show whatever I'm in Connecticut she's like I'm gonna come and she's like I couldn't come I couldn't get a babysitter I got COVID I'm gay now I had AIDS whatever it is she always has some reach you can't come so she's like I want to come but I can't go it's like my wife yeah and I'm like uh you know just come by whatever she's like I'm alone though is that weird I'm like I don't care there's a lot of people alone so I go all right come on put you on the list how about that she's like fine I'll go I'm nervous but I'll go she's a weird lady yeah this is interesting stuff so

I forget all about it put her on the list let's call her a Beyonce okay so uh you know sitting in the green room with the guy we're talking jokes whatever we're having a couple of drinks second show is about to start ah geez what is that cement that was stronger but uh you can hear yeah you think he wouldn't be able to hear that was paper see these are wood these are these are low bearing walls sheet rock baby yeah that's nothing you get a frat guy with a bad relationship he'll knock that down this is cement oh yeah it's like Jerry said that he said knocking on Kramer's door actually hurt ah it was solid is that right that's what he said okay so sitting in the green room door yellow and go hey mark your guest is here

I go what guest no guest and they go no no your guest and then in walks this kooky lady who I've never met and they're like yeah here she is you're welcome but I'm like ah she's like hey throws the coat off sits down she's like what are we doing we got a show here we go and I'm like who is this she's in the room it's like she's hit your perimeter like she's inside the walls man it changes everything so my opener Marcus is like oh they must know each other yeah they always leave he got the fuck out of dodge was like I was trying to give you some whatever yeah and now I'm like got notes here swastikas I was writing and she's like what are we doing oh you got some new stuff what's going on and I'm like oh yeah yeah and not you just go you have to 180 immediately and just

go into like chit chat mode god this is like stressing me out oh man I my heart was pumping I'm just like and she's like so uh how the show's been I'm like good and you know the green the whole point of the green room is I'm a comedian I hate people I hate small talk it's a safe space it's a safe space it was not safe I was infiltrated it was an ambush and uh so now I'm like oh COVID you know it's uh it's getting everybody and cold out huh I mean I'm doing the whole Thanksgiving dinner spiel and with the relatives eventually I go oh let me go one sec let me go look at the room and she's in there ordered drinks I mean it was wild so I go out there and I go what the fuck was that do the who's they're like we thought it was your friend I'm like I don't know this lady some old

bag and so uh they go okay okay so one guy comes in and he's like all right show's starting man let me get you to your seat and she's like what and you can tell she didn't want to go she wanted to hang on the green why would you so they bring her out to the show and I was like what the hell was that you never bring anybody back to like we thought it was your guest a secret private guest I'm like no guest so uh after the show hung out all night selling merch sitting there and she's banging on the green room door what the show's over she's Barney rubble yes Fred Flintstone whichever one was banging on the door I think it was Fred Wilma yeah all right deep cut so uh it was a big show eventually I just stopped answering the door I'm like I can't go back out there I can't see or I

can't face her oh she's messaging messaging private message what what's the deal what are we doing after and eventually she's sitting at the bar I don't know if I should say this but the bartender is like ma'am the lights are off like you gotta go I my car's running uh it's four in the morning and she goes well what are you doing and he goes I'm going home and she goes I'll go with you and he goes okay and that was that true story how do you like that isn't that something is that is that releasable I mean I think so I mean there's no names but I mean I mean if she hears that she'll just I imagine the old uh vein open I imagine she's gonna hear it she's a superfan right maybe she knows you're from you're the authority in the room I don't know you own a

microphone I mean maybe she knows you're from the tv shows or something but I imagine she's gonna dabble in this but we didn't I mean I don't know she didn't seem all there if I might oh she sounds bizarre I mean bizarre all right yeah well who knows what they did at home right there you go yeah yeah and and what's and that's another thing what's wrong with sleep with a guy you know we had we do this all they don't slut shame and then we go you said I fucked that guy I'm like I thought what's wrong with that what are you slut shaming yeah well I don't think he said that I think it's more just she sounds sad I think she was a lonely yeah which is fine I'm lonely yeah give me that guy's number I'm alone I'm lonely in a crowd he was a cute guy bartender you know he's got a job

I know a bartender named Bart Bartender Bartender yeah that's fun I like using bar keep what's shaking bar keep ah they don't like it when you say bar keep you think of that that band or on their arm love the swastika no it's like they got a puffy shirt and then there's like a thing yeah that little box hat that's low the low box the corn cob yeah well you know what that band is for no I don't know they put some tools in there they'll do like the bottle opener and they put it right back in the band aha now you don't have to find it all over the bar where's that bar where's that bottle over yeah I was a back pocket guy ah another another worse than that's nothing better than that spin not a spin love a good spin on that bottle right in the holster spin the black circle well

that's a hell of a tale but yeah I've done the I gotta go look at the room and just if you're at home if you're listening if we ever bump into each other and you hear me say I gotta go check out the room I hate yeah I mean that's like that is standard I don't want to be talking to you anymore hear here when you're like I like to go look at the room I don't go look at the room these people with the hanging out and they want to hang I had a guy he's like we're doing a shot I'm like I don't want a shot I've already had enough drinks I have another show he's like we're doing a shot I'm like I don't want one we're doing you start to understand what women go through with these fucking looney tunes guys who are just like not taking no for an answer we're doing this we're

doing that you're like dude I don't want a shot get the fuck away from me stop hanging out what do I get out of hanging out with you I'm a fun guy who care go be fun then what are you waiting for me for how fun can you be if you're trying to a shot with me no it's horrible I feel like if I was a woman or if I were a woman because people are like you hate this guy he's a piece of shit but you slept with them why'd you sleep with them I'd be I'd be a woman that fuck guys all the time because I was like this ah just get out of here just fuck me and leave me alone for god's sakes get out of my hell I fuck guys I don't even like just to get away from him yeah I've done it before yeah I totally understand that that would you know women are just like oh yeah I banged but I

I didn't know what else to do he wouldn't leave right sometimes you gotta bang yeah but yeah these guys would just hang arounders and again the club doesn't really uh step in a lot so you get you start to understand these these celebrity types who are just like oh I I don't mean anybody yeah I don't answer any text or email or whatever I just stay hide and see the show and I'm gone you see the show and then I'm gone but it sounds like a fun weekend yeah it was all right got some work done got some videos got some fun footage let me ask you this bit of a cliffhanger how'd you get there well how'd you get to the gig remember last week we were talking about your transportation ah well you got my head fatty so what'd you do by the way I brought it up to the

lady at home and she was like oh yeah what are you crazy can't drive there oh okay yeah I was afraid she's gonna hate me and be like what's he talking about and he's an idiot you're quick to think the hate she loves you yeah I don't know I'm suspect all right if you're not blowing him he assumes you hate well I mean you know sometimes some people not everybody some people don't blow but they they like I get a vibe she likes well girlfriends often hate the friends because they're like I don't like I don't like I don't know what he's putting in your head sure sure I get that a lot of girlfriends hate me don't get me wrong yeah you got that right but I'm not I'm not I'm a good influence I'm a sober guy I'm going hey be careful out there but you gotta realize you're

putting out a vibe now so then she'll go I hate him or no he hates me no no she said it that was Freudian he hates everybody heard it but see you think you worry so much that she hates you that she's probably like that you're maybe weird around her and then she's like oh well he hates me well I'm in the house no one wants you in the house that's the thing we did the podcast in the house not the podcast though that thing where you're like this go hide in the bedroom for an hour and a half we're gonna say some slurs over here yeah but she'll come out she'll chat with us good chat okay she makes an F and she feels a you don't make an F I make an F are you kidding me I said hello to a woman that I thought was her that wasn't her yeah that didn't help yeah I thought

that would help you're intimidating see you are what are you talking about I thought you hated me for months see what are you kidding me I thought I was like I love this guy you want to absorb it you're just like well what are you gonna like no listen this is something I love you I love you I love you are you kidding me you should hear the way I talk about you when you're not around I'd love to hear that big fat fuck you hear what he says in person wait what was I gonna say before I'm not intimidating nobody's intimidated by me he just said you were I am but you're I was I was I'm not a bitch we're quiet down you bitch intimidating I'm not intimidated how am I intimidated I was like I was like you know I want to be friends with everybody want to be cool

and Mark's like come sleep in my bed and you're like hey what's up how you're doing I'm out of here just because I hate the majority of people I meet doesn't mean I'm intimidating not intimidating that's not the right word scary it's cold cold cold to me for a little bit now I know you now we're it takes a minute it takes a minute just for a minute well this is getting I exude I exude warmth you're doing out but you're challenging him on the way he felt about you well that's the reason I'm challenging him is I have never been called cold ever anybody in fact I've been called quite warm so that's why I'm challenging so you're saying it's a good point to challenge no I'm saying you're saying he's saying I'm cold of course I'm gonna challenge that I think when

I first met you you seemed a little cold but but other people have said that you know what though you're a stranger with two buddies exactly what am I supposed to do well he was a buddy he was a warm guy I was over one point either but I wasn't I did your podcast back in the 80s you know we needed seven years ago I did your podcast you're nobody you're nothing there's no need to do your podcast you're a nice guy you're a good person I did your horse shit podcast that was a complete waste of time you know we need a chaplain to come in here and work all this out uncle Doug there you go Charlie cold get out of here at first at first I love you I love you know I love you my ex was terrified of you but she was mean thinking I said thinking it sure to get you for Christmas oh there

you go very sweet very best friends what do I do with that thing I threw mine away yeah I think I burned it all right but I appreciate it thank you all right well yeah crazy night crazy weekend Marcus Monroe drove his Prius didn't take the the beamer out I got to get that thing started you got to keep that thing running every now and then yeah it's a way in the in the garage I feel with my car I live in the garage for like four and a half weeks I'm worried they're turning tricks in it I know did I tell you the story about this thing so I have my car in a garage I tell you have to go say hey go get my car we don't say that you text car and they go get it I like that and so there's an office there and they have the monitor the security monitor with like

nine cameras downstairs and I'm waiting for my car I just look at the monitor and you just see red did I tell the story already I never heard it you just see red blurs go by every every screen it's like this like the guy's doing 60 miles an hour in the garage in my car and I'm watching the monitor and it's just a quick blur to the next camera blur and I'm like he just got in my car and drove it 50 miles an hour from the parking space to the elevator oh god and if you're doing that with your car mine's gonna blow a rod I think it's fucking 50 years old my rods and cones are all screwed up yeah I think they high tooled around in there because uh these guys are pros though they can whoosh then they fly right into a parking spot backwards these guys are good they're very good I

love my garage yeah my garage is all right it's a little pricy yeah man haven't still I know so this is why I'm moving to Brooklyn probably you gotta get out of there I put an offer in whoa yeah yeah the wheels are in motion but apparently the place we like of course everyone liked Brooklyn it just doesn't sit right the idea of you in Brooklyn I know I'm a city guy I know but and Brooklyn is so Brooklyn but I got some info about Brooklyn oh really yeah I'll tell you off all right this private information the thing about BK is it's huge we forget we go all Brooklyn we think Williamsburg you think of Bushwick it's a bunch of hipsters with coffee and lesbians but you go down south like uh Park Slope it's all strollers then you go over here and it's all

Arabian and then you go over here and it's all trans so it's uh it's a microcosm it's America there you go people say Americans are this Americans are that you're like Americans are a lot of things we're fat Americans are fucking idiots living in a hut and Americans are also billionaires on the Upper West Side exactly but we're all ugly Americans it's all pipes I do say I get embarrassed as an American sometimes they have all these YouTube clips of like British guys or Australian guys and they go they do a geography test with us and them and we all we lose a hundred percent of the time like we're stupid yeah yeah we don't know anything and then they go can you name as many Avengers as you can it'll be like Hawkeye Captain America and they get like 30 Avengers they go

name as many presidents as you can they're like Obama Trump Washington Washington is that something you're like oh god just say say last name say Coolidge and Jefferson and Reagan and Kennedy you can't say Kennedy I think there's a thing too do we lose something Chuck does there's a thing too like I think like 75 percent of Americans think Ben Franklin was president there's a lot of that stuff they name non people but I think I'm British because I know geography I know presidents I don't know superheroes and I got horrible teeth oh wow you fucking nailed it yeah so you know good day mate yeah you're you're whitey you got glasses big white I like New England New England there you go you're new British which is really just God's gift to America if you ask me New England's a hell

of a place Chuck looks like he's taking a shit right now I don't know what's going on you all right I'm good what's happening nothing nothing all right did that lady call is that what that is okay you and Shelby both I see a big face you see this like I'm doing we're doing the pod you're having a good time you just see it's too hot in here one of the cameras shut off but I have the two closeups yeah it's too hot the camera overheated shut up yeah Jesus yeah somebody's not that hot what are we on uh follow six it's just it's running for a long time you know it's the electricity that heats it up these lights are no joke those put out a lot of BTU a lot of jazz well we should do some plugs don't

you think please plug my I got I keep not plugging dates first of all Vancouver uh Vancouver it canceled but they haven't fucking emailed anybody I keep getting people like hey is Vancouver not happening it's not happening I'm not going but I don't know why they haven't emailed you I'll tell you why that is off air oh really oh yeah well the venue is cancel the show I didn't cancel the show but they canceled they're not telling anybody yeah they got to get on that but uh yeah so I won't be there Saturday but I will be in Seattle on Sunday and we're sold out which is very exciting is that laughs laughs boss laughs Seattle Sunday night sold out Omicron on a Sunday which makes me feel like a big bag of jizz oh you're

you're the man it's very exciting you're the man now dog and then Hyena's in Dallas January 21st and 22nd come out to that a lot of gays in Dallas I'm supposed to be in Toronto February 12th I don't know because Canada's wacky hopefully I'll be there Atlantic City yeah February 19th one night only at the Atlantic City Theater thing what's that gig is that a milio yeah oh yeah what is that place oh fuck I did it it's a good room just google Atlantic City Joe list February 19th you'll figure it out yeah something theater shit oh and then theater something secret group uh rescheduled because I had COVID as it turned out I'll tell that story next week uh February 15th day after Valentine's Day we wanted Valentine's Day they already had something going on so come out the 15th

and then uh Key West February 24 25 26 and then uh March I'm in Fort Worth again I'm inside splitters in Tampa March 24 25 26 and then the big one the big daddy Boston Laughmas in April 14 15 16 and Buffalo helium 21 22 23 that's in April so come on for god sakes that's a fun little run you're going up down left and right bunch more a lot of warm weather excited all right this week I'm in Des Moines funny bone not bragging I like that it's a good little room and it's uh selling pretty well so let's get those last couple tickets Syracuse apparently that got revamped and it's a whole new crew over there oh really yeah everybody's raving about Syracuse wow I'll believe it when I see it Sacramento we added a show I love that club punchline Omaha funny bone

let's get a steak and a laugh Columbus funny bone there with fat Crissel gonna pop in there that's a great room probably the best funny bone Summit Comedy Club in Fort Wayne Indiana brand new all you Indiana folk come on out let's make it happen La Jolla Comedy Store size players in Tampa funny bone Cincinnati Louisville Comedy Club Dania Improv which I guess is around Orlando or West Palm Beach Carolina Theater in Raleigh stand up live in Phoenix we got a lot of dates coming up check it out check out the stand-ups on Netflix out to lunch on YouTube I hate myself on YouTube as well also stand-ups uh season two yeah season two a lot of people checking that out yeah roll it on over make it a gaze weekend and uh get on the patreon folks Chuck's uh behind the wheel and he's

making it all happen he's uh very nice a little chunky and would be a horrible fireman give it a whirl tell us a gay joke praise Allah see you in hell