Tuesdays with Stories! - #435 Fung Wah Gold

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

We're back baby and talking about Mark's unimpressive Delta status, why we're not looking at Tik Tok, our new idea for 'Lil' Gays', and Joe finally gets into his topsy turvy way of finding out he had COVID. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Manscaped (Support the show and receive 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com when you use code Tuesdays), Sheath (Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at SheathUnderwear.com), & Liquid IV (Support the show and get 25% off anything you order at LiquidIV.com with promo code TUESDAYS) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to out YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey hey folks here we are how about a breath talk to me I mean I hated the start it was weird because we

had a good you had a good one it was weird and you came out of the seat but then chuck clapped into the mic phoenix rising from the ashes and then chuck shit the bed over here with his claps and then take you by the way is that your wall on the floor there's a wallet where I know where to put it I know to put it is that a wallet that's it stands it looks like a fucking football man toss that on camera that's when you know you're not gonna go through let me see look at this thing Jesus cry I thought there was a brick it's a sandwich that's a hoagie this is a wall

I'll show you a wall let's see you let's do a wallet comparison Jesus you got a micro dick wow that is dangerous yeah that I mean what is that I don't want to go through your wallet but tell I mean don't tell us either cuz no one cares but I don't know which side to go on the post I've also never seen someone's wallet so big they have to put it on the floor I've seen a guy put on the table maybe next to him in the seat in their jacket you got the thing on the floor like it's a doorstop that's a wall that's a wallet you go front pocket so nobody can pick you I'm somewhere in between you two Jews there a little bit

that's thick that's thick yeah you're getting there all right it's thick but it's not that thing this is designer Ted Baker imported from London by me I imported it myself then I'm almost due for a new one because the edges are frank that's a that's a hefty I like the fold I like a fold yeah well you like a full you like my asshole then because folds your asshole I don't know about fold fold just cup coffee origami mug yeah well I think I you know me we this is where we differ I'm just a fan of pulling down the curtain you let the folks know I were in the same clothes you love a beef curtain take it down I

don't want to bother everybody with every nitpicky Jew in the city but tell him the story well I'm not bothering I'm saying the reason we're in the same clothes we're a little too animal a little tired we're a little tired because this is our second episode this is my fourth podcast of the day wait a minute how'd you get to four I woke up first thing in the morning just build coffee all over the tea chair of its black tea oh people say this people are like and I used to say this I kind of admit my own faults people go and just water I'm like but it's not it's tea right it's water that has absorbed leaves it comes out

brown water that's true it's like saying Pepsi's water right it's made of liquid this water but there's sugar and shit in it or whatever the fuck is in Pepsi it's also weird how it's in the cup it's tea but if it's on the couch it's now water that doesn't make sense yeah lie but it's like they think like I doesn't say it'll come out because it's water but you like no it's it's soaked in the leaves yeah or vice versa whatever it might still come out but so well I'm yeah what were you talking about my fourth podcast I woke up first thing in the morning did Joe and run on talk movies on YouTube check it out I

never plugged the goddamn thing I probably should he's a sad fellow with nothing going on yeah he's not attractive so go check that out there's a lot of comedy in there it's a lot of fun then I was shot over here we shot last week's episode which was a banger killer at that street joke section tell a friend report it call the police because that was a humdinger that was something then I ran my little ass over to Adele and Tom Cassidy's podcast top nine top nine there you go we're both on that check it out check those out want to give a hot plug there then I jogged back met up with you geezers for lunch and now here we

are number four had a little Chipotle there at a bowl thanks for the cards folks I got somebody give me a $60 puppy wow how many cards we used to get Jack blackjack dealers we had so many cards crazy and by the way some people give me cheesecake factory Starbucks I love I've gotten a movie theater cut like an AMC so thanks to everybody out there for the gifts keep them coming we really appreciate it yeah bring on those uber those uber ones weren't too shabby remember you scratch and sniff that was a good time uber was big I'm on Uber Eats just because those cards oh love an uber card yeah keep them coming

ah shit I had a thing oh I just made bow I just want to tell everybody I made Delta gold gold no good that's embarrassing gold I use every airline and I'm like gold was six of them I'm diamond baby I'm top number one you got it I've been saying this for ten years we're in reruns just pick one and go with it it's embarrassing gold my aunt is gold she takes the bus she got gold just from riding the fucking feng hua bus wash it's feng hua gold she rode the feng hua so often they gave her Delta gold Delta gold is humiliating well will openers that have Delta you got you got platinum diamond gold yeah I'm right

below you you're too below me what's between gold and platinum or diamond huh you just named all three of them I think platinum's top I'm diamond no diamonds top diamonds diamond below diamond all right play gold gold is down below gold in my ear gold is like you're like boarding third well I think they let the ghouls on and the mutants and the kids and then they're the the Jews and then me yeah it's bad news I mean all right but I think you got to go standard one but you're closer to Newark which Newark is United United I'm a titanium or whatever but United's such a stinker but I shouldn't a poo poo good for you you

made it to my grandmother's status I don't well get that in a fucking token I'll get you on the subway all right well hey get me on the subway because I was happy to get gold I already got upgraded the Delta comfort oh my god what are you doing you're buying coach yeah I'm coaching hoping for a comfort I love a comfort up oh my god you gotta buy comfort and get the first class upgrade interesting I mean you live in your life incorrectly doing 80 bucks a flight yeah I'm smooth sailing I gotta tell you comfort is the same as first class with COVID well I mean certainly the comforts to be better I mean Chuck

could you chime let's get a chuck time you get more space in first class but remember the booze card is gone the dessert card is gone back in my day in the 40s they would pull a dessert card out there they were scooping ice cream with nipples plus no blacks yes a simpler time I'm teasing I'm teasing hard teasing they didn't make the flight they were late and you had to like wear a suit and a hat with a dress smoking I was hitting a secretary the whole thing I think I would have liked those times where the women had the big poofy dresses and you throw the poof up over the face like when you fucking her you

can't even see her face and gross tits because the dress is all poofed up I love a poofy dress no face fuck you got a scoop in to find them like you're right down there alright I'm going back under oh yeah that was a big scene in Greece when he was like moving all that shit and the girls like but you can stop a rape because it takes 30 minutes to get to the poof what about back to the future when they do the the when the camera is swinging over and he flips her up over and she's got the legs I paused and there was this the snowy pause thing and I would just beat it like you read about you want to just you see those

legs over you want to just bam just put a face right in there headbutt the clam a pussy squish yes all right sorry Chuck I cut you off there fatty I gotta be honest I'm a I'm a cheap man so I would I would make the I would save it I would save the money see the only guy with the frontier points I honestly I go to whoever's cheapest I do a lot of Southwest but that's a big mistake I made that I'm telling you as a man who's lived it's it's a bad policy you think you're nice you're saving a few bucks this guy's giving us money tips hold on toot mcduck over here you stay loyal and I'm upgraded on every single

flight I'm never not upgraded mmm every flight I'm first-class really every flight come on and diamond you're automatically first on the plane well international I'm not getting upgrade it says LIS comma J yes it's not even a comma it's like a slash guns and roses yes he's good yes play when he was like 15 is that your mind no people play like seven oh I see what he had been playing guitar for like eight years when this came out wow right I think it was 14 when he started playing now here's the question I wonder if this is Googleable probably not but the lack of internet back then you would

just hone in on something you go hey I'm a piano guy or I'm a basketball guy I'm a runner I'm a whatever and you would just you had no internet there was no phone to check so you had to just keep playing well I think that's something that people forget Sarah brings this up a lot and it's been brought up in other quarters and quarters is you think don't nickel and dime me here you think musicians are the coolest I got the hats and the leather and the thing that's a that's not my my thing are fucking nerd they're nerd they're band-man right up nerd you're the band that never left their homes ever they sat at the end of

the bed and practice guitar Eddie Van Halen is a fucking nerd I completely agree and don't get me started on hair metal with the long hair and the spandex and the boots get out of here you dweeb yeah they were just sitting around learning their dumb guitars while we were out finger fucking ladies you got that right kissing our dads on the lips now they get finger fucking into that later because the women go ah the Beatles are here but yeah they were a bunch of dorks I mean the Beatles played in Hamburg eight hours a night that people threw beer at them they were nobodies I think that's part of it is that then

they get famous and then they just fuck 350 women a night and they're like pointing at them be like get her back here I'm gonna eat her pussy yeah because I was a dweeb for 40 years now I got my comeuppance exactly but yeah so slash started when he was 14 then he's like a virtuoso I don't understand it but it's a kind of a it's a clinker here because you got internet and angry birds and tick-tock all this shit Atari whatever it is all this fortnight third night all this shit that just makes you kill time kill Tony waste your life but you have more access to books language tutorials all this shit too so it's actually

easier to learn stuff but you have also have a lot of time sucks books Jerry but I think sense of course but yeah it's the addiction to the phone people thought the TV was a big deal but the TV and I'm quoting from Catherine Price's book and several other books Tristan Harris all these assholes oh yeah he's big I'll talk about the TV didn't have a group of scientists at working in real time to keep you watching yes they just did their best like hopefully they watch TV and you watch TV but your phone is literally right now a fucking thing from Uber Eats just came up in like hey aren't you hungry which is scary because we

just mentioned them and then you go yeah whoa fucking Democrats they're lizards but so then you go let me look at Uber and you never just check the one thing they got you they know how to get it hey so and so that you may know is on Facebook might want to check that exactly TV didn't have that the TV wasn't like hey that girl in school just posted a nude you might want to right you know go jerk off this is the worst thing TV did back then because we always talk about corporation well corporations have always been blood-sucking they've always been around it was Lucky Strikes variety hour

Windex's talk show they would a fucking judge just shove those products right up the tailpipe all day long and that was their big thing but that was that was the extent of it was just hey it's a mayonnaise night you know blue play night oh yeah that's what my grinder accounts called but yeah yeah that was the big extent back then was like hey it's a Tabasco hour mm-hmm and now it's hey your dad's gay and here's 10 reasons why you should fuck him and give us money yeah it's it's all pipes but it's tricky by the way check out both Catherine Price's books power of fun and how to break up with your phone and

she's on two episodes of mindful metal jacket which is coming back I gotta plug that one to plug a bad plugger but plug would see a my lady as a office job you know nine to five real adult lady and she has to sell stuff she's in sales she was on tiktok all day long realized it was a problem first step cut it out and now she's killing it at work oh nice which is just so sad that this thing could just ruin you well so here's another thing now we're off on a real topic here but topic so I was reading that Quentin Tarantino watches three movies a day what a nerd speaking of dweebs oh yeah and I was telling my buddy and he's like

three movies a day that's crazy that's insane how do you watch your movies a day which I was doing during COVID and I usually watch one and a half movies a day sometimes two and even three it sounds crazy but three movies is six hours and you're awake for 16 17 hours that leaves you another 10 11 hours the problem is the reason why it's so hard to understand that concept is most people look at their phones six seven eight hours a day exactly like to watch six hours of movies a day is better than looking at your phone for six hours at least it's art and it's consuming and it's one storyline instead of 48 fucking

tiktok which tiktok is by far the worst I'm not on by far the worst of all I don't touch it see I have it but I don't touch it for that reason I watched two movies yesterday and it wasn't that weird so it is doable now you watch it wait I mean this is my skin I wake up I watch a movie from 10 to 12 I go out I do shit I watch a movie from four to six I go out do shows come home and watch a movie from midnight to two yeah it's not that crazy by the way do you see the power of the dog I haven't seen it it's Sarah watch without me so when your partner watches it it's hard to watch it so I gotta you know damn that's that's cheating I mean

that's worse than that yoga instructor she fucked kick her out of the house or whatever yeah to watch it but no I haven't seen it yet but it's slow but it's it's good I like slow I don't mind slow my father's slow you know I was thinking about this now we're getting on to another top the Western is coming back Western is big I mean Tomahawk fucking rules yeah does that other one that came out I can't think of oh the heller high water is basically a Western yeah kind of you didn't like that I love how I want I just don't know how if it's a Western I think it's this it's the bender genre gender bender a little bit

but I think it's I would consider it okay then you got no country that's a Western I mean that was 15 years ago that's true but I think they're back Netflix is buying these Westerns and the best movies they put out most of Netflix movies are just dog piles of horseshit I also loved old old what's it called old Henry which was just came out which is great oh I gotta watch that yeah that's a humdinger and there's a black one too that came out the heart of they fall and that one's very style it's Lawrence bender but either way Westerns are back and I think it's because you try to always be why do

things pop why do things kind of take over and I think it's because all we do is look at our phones all we do is this digital bullshit and this is gritty it's men out in the range fighting fucking and killing Native Americans baby it's the baseline living and that shows huge to the Kevin Costner yellow stone yellow stone is big and now there's like a pre-yellow stone which I hate the sequels prequel a prequel now there's like it's like the Star Wars is with a story here's Yoda's cousin it's like we got it if something's working you gotta go oh well this is this is a job of the huts postman over here coming in I think

I just thought of something brilliant this might be something here's a moment I think I just yeah I just had an idea oh a cartoon show maybe the patreon it's little Tuesdays it's us as kids L.I.L. apostrophe it's the little gays little gays little gays and it's you and me and we're sitting with the chairs in our feet alike here you know we got the short leg people love the dangling feet anytime a foot doesn't hit the floor people are happy beater people like them yes it's us sit here and you get little kid we're going like this my dad just my face oh this is gold this is big baby this is big the phones are already lighting up

it's not big it's little it's little gold little gays little gays cartoons and we talk about elementary type of stuff all right moms I want you to write in send in photos of your children and make them look gay so you know you have a thing where you go you know today I was at the nursery and this kid he sticks his thermometer up his ass what's the thing you suck on the lollipop I was thinking cock I can't wait to have audition videos of kids go on my mom's game I mean this we could just get Joe Mackie he's older than us but you just get you know the kid took his he put his pass by the rug you don't do that I'm

wrong about the kick a rug about yeah he's on the bus he's sitting the back while I'm gold baby Rosa Parks this is great news I love it we got a pitch this and the kid I'll have glasses with teeny little dot eyes I never had that but it's fun the thick like the kid that the glasses that don't fit I mean with a big mouth kids look like us enough we could almost as use them who's the big mouth kids I made a clip of us once and it's just the kids from them the show big mouth on Netflix I don't know big mouth what Mulaney and Nicole show it's a cartoon right they look just like us that's all

I'm saying well interesting it's a tall kid with glasses and a short kid with curly hair a little gay this could be huge little gays is something it's funny I hate the prequels but we make up our own prequel it's pretty good will you bring kids in I mean I got a picture of them but I don't know how well they can see their kids pretty good pretty good all right I don't think we just take their artwork though I think Mulaney quit the business now that he's back okay he's around he's off the you know be bopping and scatting with the old Munn the clock so I have no idea what's going on where we are about eight minutes

oh wow little gays is big baby I need some child actors in here we'll teach them the ropes we'll show them how to say lay it on me fatty jizz yeah exactly this is good let's give me something I don't know we can even mix it up to and go we'll do a lady show where two women do us and then we do a black show where two blacks come in oh I mean that's like the full franchise down that's like it's not the same anymore yeah that point's all corporate out and take it exactly don't touch my bum and they're like oh you they used to say come in the ass yeah yeah lay it on me fat man yeah don't say fat man it's shaming you know you get it she

better stick that in my ass and see if I come motherfucker right on my face all right well there's no way we're gonna get away like we're gonna I feel like we're gonna leave the studio and there's gonna be 14 people in the suits with their arms folded just in the break room going out and one guy with a pipe doing this oh like a pipe pipe I think meant like a oh no no no metal pipe lead pipe by the way you ever look at the game clue it's all horrific they got the gun I guess I never played clue never care about clue now clue is big in my home yeah I didn't give a shit about clue it's pretty much child abuse trying to get a

kid to play with a board game now with all the gadgets and what nots the hover boards and the shits out there you you give a kid a clue game and it's you should be putting a home or like those what are those parent people that the bad parents what do you call those mom and dad no no the people that that arrest parents child protective ages out cpa dss there you go yeah anybody with clue it's it's a noose it's a lead pipe it's a candlestick mmm come on never played no on patreon me and you going to a full game of clue it'll take six hours I love to play clue all right I'll teach you the ropes I don't have a clue we have to

get one there you go I'll pull you in no life no monopoly no candy land jump no we played games all the time just not clue oh okay I love a board we played a lot of I'm bored we played some scrabble we played a lot of monopoly big cards we're big poker as a kid we're playing poker poker in the rear yeah we didn't do poker that's interesting yeah we were a big drunk poker thing I had a thought I had something sexy something fun who know you ever touch you know a little bit of uno more go fish go fish was big we still play a lot of cards that's my family that's the only time we're having a good time is playing cards

oh yeah we're all cards and Pictionary party edition Pictionary is underrated that was big we get charades going to go to my we're all games my house if you come to my house it's games now what if you don't want to play a game can you opt out or is that a Sarah oh really if you can opt out but you look like an asshole you're sticking the mud people will hate you forever it's just a commitment that's the problem with the games is the commitment but the it's better than a no game because then the commitment is like where are you from ooh you know I mean it's point that's takes then you gotta be like well I went

to high school a black kid tripped me ahead of tie on oh really well now I'm triggered so now you're gonna play that you want to play the games but going back just one last thing about these generations and the stuff this is so sad I have a kid I know who you know when I identify the kid but there's a kid in my life a lot of kids in my life but this one kid he's obsessed with football because obsessed knows the stats the players every team free agency but autism or just just regular okay but when the game is on he's not watching oh interesting interesting literally fourth quarter Super Bowl 21 18 21 17 down the

strat two minutes left he's like this I'm like you're not looking yeah but I can't even watch the game it sounds like he just likes the numbers of it he likes the mechanics of next you like the play well it's the tiktok because on tiktok it's a football player making a run like a little bit like look at this you ever see this this is Barry Sanders I'm like I was alive I watched it happen TV you're missing this game you know what it is this comes back to the movie thing people can't watch a full movie now but they'll watch tiktok for nine hours they can't watch six hours exactly you can choose they want to pick I want to watch this

when I want to watch it how I want to watch it and it's quick because you can the next one I don't like it exactly I don't like it where's a football game is just glued to your TV and you have no options exactly I got right somewhere in my it's bad it's bad news but it's like podcasting who listens to the radio but with pot you go oh I'm gonna download this from my flight where's the radio you're like oh is this something and you had to just go with what they had but you lose the surprise the surprise was so fun the surprise great oh that's that song it's the end of the world and I'm blowing it was great what about when

you had to try to record a song I mean we're losing the kids in this one yeah yeah but it was a different time are you glad you grew up before all that shit you saw a little bit of life I played go fish with my grandma for Christ's sake yeah I wouldn't change anything I would change some things including my underwear I could use about three inches of height I'd say well you can't change that that's what I'm saying but if I could oh I see yeah yeah yeah it was a different time a better time but now we sound like those comics who do all nostalgia bits back in my day you had to pull the lawnmower string I know what

are we doing what are we becoming how about this speaking of generations and young kids and missing things the other day I'm sitting around at the stand I talked about with Steve Rogers we're talking comedies funny stuff blah blah blah he's never seen this is spinal tap there's a lot of that now never seen it and he's a rock he loves cheese dick 80s rock he listens to foreigner and like Kansas I mean he's a real really what a nerd huge cock though yeah well that'll do it so I'm like you're he laughs at everything nobody loves comedy more than this guy he laughs more than anybody and he loves cheese dick comedy I mean rock

and roll and I'm like you gotta come over tomorrow night screening my house it's Saturday night so he's got nothing to do so I took the night off I said hey come on over we sat there we had a little screening we watched this is spinal tap quite a fun night what do you think he laughed but he didn't laugh as much as I wanted to see that's tough I empathize with the big dick there not because I have one but because when someone shows you something I don't feel like I can enjoy it as much you gotta see this sit out right now we're putting it on put the seatbelt on watch it that's it and you go okay now I'm what

you're watching me watch it now I gotta react it's a nightmare but I have to say I know what you mean I completely agree I've been in that spot where they hold the computer but this was I'm good at presenting cuz I don't do the what well you I hate those people I got a friend he never oh my god he's like are you crazy are you kidding me like I didn't see it what do you want me to do I saw a bunch of this stuff yes I lost all this stuff I didn't see this one thing I'm sorry I didn't see the thing you wanted me to see never heard a corduroy so I said we should watch it this is how I do it let me tell you this I'll read I'll

be Rodgers hold on hold on yeah so you got the huge cock there yeah and I go yeah this is spinal tap obviously that's like my top five I never caught it you never saw this is my laptop never seen it comedy yeah love car see a lot of comedy mood never never caught that one though just slipped by I'm surprised what are you doing tomorrow night you got spots I know I got COVID so I'm gonna I'm gonna stay in why don't you come over and we'll watch it it's great you're gonna love it I don't know I prefer to stay home you know it's gonna be a good time we live in the same home you come over my house because on the lips that

was a big regret of mine well watch spinal tap so I did kind of that thing okay that's not bad and then I sat down I said you know it's one of my favorites you know how that goes yeah and we watched it and he laughed hard in a bunch of spots but it what's hard with spinal tap is there's so many subtleties yes that you laugh more each time you see it yes so and then they just it's not like a they're not like and here's the joke they're just talking straight through right you want to be like because he just said they were so bad they were booing them when we were on stage did you miss that yes I know exactly what you

mean they miss it they miss everything because it just goes quick but I'm like that's literally my favorite joke of all time right that man so bad they were still booing them while we were on stage right I mean that's like the funniest joke anyone's ever made ever and he went right by him I know shit so it all goes by I mean shit say when she laughed at okay okay smell the glow I mean it was this line's like a smell the it wasn't a glove I assure you I'm like are you not dying they were shoving the cock in the face of the kid I had the same thing with the late see the ladies the younger younger Dame here and she's obsessed

with the tiktoks and all that and she she thinks watching a movie is having a movie on while scrolling that's just what she thinks a movie is I got a friend like that too I've said look we're gonna watch this and I'll take the phone out of her hand it's a little little dad like which I think turns around but I take the phone out and I go you're watching this movie and I had the best revenge because I could tell she was just doing it for me she didn't give a fuck they don't give a fuck about anything but she put it on women are young people young people and my my lady so it gets on and she's just she they what do you mean

did I say they oh yeah she's she's everything I got trans neutral by national whatever but she's watching it and I could tell she's white knuckling it and later I went a party with her the movie comes up naturally and they're all like oh I love that oh my god how about that part and I relished in the fact that she couldn't enjoy the conversation she was like oh I think I missed that part oh I was scrolling that part I was what I'm like yeah you fucking can't tell you like it now you missed the whole fucking movie now you don't get this is what it's all about it's about enjoying it it's about talking about it

later it's about living your life mustard and relish yes put it in my ass yeah I got a friend like that how about that you ever have this this is like it makes me want to take a gun and shove it right in a vagina and shoot oh I'd like to see that we are you should see what 350 said Megan will do it a woman's pussy that you should see um that's that from a taxi driver it was from my wedding night yeah so my dad's best man's speech what he was my best man that's ridiculous anyways you think he'll be mine what's that never mind I mean he's probably available he doesn't say much I just want to see him

talk that's the only reason I hire him let me just peel that mustache off and said here's to you and throw it in the crowd like a bouquet I didn't see that coming bouquet you throw yeah don't you throw the leg thing to throw a lot of things are the wedding you throw rice you throw you throw your back out it throw up yeah throw the game yeah I throw on the white towel what was I gonna say your dad's gay he's got a mustache before that oh when the person chooses the movie and then looks at their phone I go no no no no no you chose you're all in you can't choose the movie and now I don't look at my phone

during movies yeah so now I'm sitting here watching a movie and I don't want to watch and you're looking at tiktok and I'm watching Little House in the Prairie whatever horseshit you chose so with you that's a horrible movie and show I'm with you you picked it you deal with it yes now how about this one if we're talking about guns in a clam I'm gonna put that silence a right in your snatch there sister what the hell are you doing here by the way you look like spider man on a wall here what is this it's literally 20 degrees outside oh man that's a wet ankle I got my nose on it I haven't changed I got I gotta wear

thermals I change my life I got a winter hat and thermal underwear big socks and a big coat I feel like you're working on the docks or something it's not that cold is it it's 11 are you shitting 30 degrees outside 30 is low first of all but it ain't thermal underwear 28 degrees right now 28 degrees that means if you put this cup of water outside it would freeze in a couple days a couple days but here's the point antifreeze so I'm at a comedy show I'm headlining the opener is on a funny guy this guy is in the back row I'm in the bag hiding like waiting to go on I'm

watching the guy to see if he does any jokes I do I'm in the back I already hate this audience I hate the club I hate the city I hate life I hate my dad this guy is in the back with his girlfriend and he's going look at this he's showing a funny shit during a comedy show and the crowd is dying laughing the guy's killing and he just couldn't watch and I'd watch him put his phone I studied this guy I was like alright he put his phone down now he's gonna watch but you could see he just he'd get like 30 seconds he'd be like this isn't blowing my mind right now so I'm out well and they're joining in the middle of

something yes follow this whatever it stinks and but they're joining the because on his fault it's an addiction it's an addiction and I caught myself reaching my phone I said no no you don't want to be that guy the frees they reminded me and this isn't even a great story but the night it was back in 2011 Cardinals Rangers World Series when the Nick and Hardy show was on oh wow they were doing the serious radio show and they were on at the same time as the World Series so they watched the game and Nick goes Michael freeze just hit a home run I'll walk off home run and Hardy goes it's David freeze and it goes

well mr. freeze God it was so funny off the cuff what a funny time for those two people of all people to have it's a fucking tea the men in suits had their money behind those two can you imagine those to any corporation giving those two guys something insane but that's what comedy was back there's like these two guys are funny I know but one's a drug addict and one's a psychopath I know but they're funny yeah that's all it took it was a hell of a time I mean they got fired obviously yeah they made a lot of cash though I think oh yeah big money hey

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sheath underwear and let them support your balls 20% off with code twos gaze at sheath underwear dot com thank you anyway let me tell my covid story cuz I've been over it for six weeks please please here late on me look like a creamsicle I got red I got chocolate I got vanilla and then I got gray you gotta go thermal it'll change your life I know everyone teases me your poke fun it's no I get it degrees promise when you get in the house and then you're like well this is goofy I wear these around my house it's fine this is it's goofy hot we got the lights on and who told you to put the bomb on Chuck Chuck is radiating heat yeah Jesus Christ

what happened nothing says view weather in Austin oh nice so oh that smelled weird oh you know what's gonna be great is when the that's that Chipotle with the little silent read and then semen the little gays are gonna have to cute as far hold on guys yeah a little tight buttholes farting that was fun so let me talk about this covid business because I'm a little nervous there's gonna be a disclaimer here if you are triggered by stories of mass spreading oh this is already spread your legs here so might as well keep it going yeah here we go this is ugly all right well it's a couple weeks ago so the damage is done anyway

yeah a lot of damage done yeah kids died I think an old lady you pulled a Cuomo and killed about a thousand old people so so I had so going back a ways we're going to the weekend leading up to the week of Christmas this is like the weekend of like 1819 wow that's a long time ago something like that 1819 yeah that's the year I started comedy but so I get a cold you know cold season flu season now all the car has hit the shores rabbit and it's hit it's running it's it's milder but it's the most infectious disease since herpes sure and so everyone's getting it and that's seller you know everyone's getting everybody

and I want it because I got this quiet period I got my special out of the way you know Ron I had to cancel his special the whole thing everything's getting canceled here canceled there and I'm like let me get I want COVID bad because I want to knock it out during the holiday season yeah lay it on me you don't miss any shows it's mild knock it out because eventually everyone's gonna get it and they want you to stay inside which went from staying for 48 days to stay in for three hours they cut that puppy right now because we're losing the workforce so I get the cold sour is gone she goes to San Antonio with Ari I'm at home sitting

there I get a stuffed nose a couple sneezes and I'm clearing my throat and I go shit I better go get tested so this is right when the Omicron exploded in New York and everyone's getting ready to travel I go to a place to get tested it's 400 bucks for a rapid whatever that's capitalism so I said I'm not paying for hundo there's like a test that cost a hundred bucks that's like we'll get it back to you we promise or whatever yeah yeah there's no line this because there's lines everywhere lines like coke so I sign up I go alright I guess I'll spend a hundred bucks because I gotta travel the whole thing go see my

mother-in-law bullshit give them a hundred bucks they go the next test is in three hours so come back I'm like all right well this is out of control I go I leave there I walk out and they're setting up a tent you see them like clicking the tent in and there's like four people in line so I go hey what's going on here and they go this is the free COVID tent they're opening up in about 10 minutes okay all right maybe I'll get the free COVID yeah get free COVID COVID for free I jump in the free COVID line I wait there for about a half an hour because they're setting up and there's a guy in front of me who's

a Tuesday get the fuck out of tits it turns around he goes hey I don't want to you know betray your privacy or whatever but I'm a big Tuesday love your shit how do you like that I say great to see you my man while I high-five and we touch dicks wait till he sees the little gays then I get up to the thing the tent and it's intense no pun intended the guy's like yelling at the woman she's like where's a Bertha she went on lunch she went on lunch it's not even 10 a.m. she went they're all screaming it's just a mess classic Bertha it's a mess so they're giving out rapids and a PCR and they go which one

do you want and I go well what's the dirt can I get one of each and they go yeah I swipe and then you swipe because I don't know it's nice because I'm going to the cellar that night so I can go okay I got my spot so they give me the rap and I go great then they get the PCR more accurate test yes that takes a 24 hours politically correct retarded there you go so I go give me one of each they swoop the weft they swoop the white just getting ready for little gaze yeah yeah right so I walk away I go great I just had two tests I'm sitting around and then I'm going well I have that appointment for the other test I

already paid for it oh yeah so I'm like a couple hours past I go maybe I'll go get that one too just to make sure just in case that free test was a little weird yeah you got two for now yeah and plus I think this is how I think about spending I already spent a hundred bucks so if I get three tests I'm down to 33 bucks a test that's pretty good I got nothing to do not bad 33 so I walk back up there I got the appointment hey mr. Liz what's up swipe it again I kind of like it it gives you like dopamine so I'm doing something that's true and you feel responsible you feel like hey I'm taking advantage I'm a good

citizen I'm trying things so I go home I got the cold and then you start going well maybe I have COVID maybe I don't have COVID he has COVID she has COVID I sneeze twice I shit my pants I came on my tits yep you know if you're putting everything together classic Friday then I get no results from the free one the rapid supposed to come back in a half hour to an hour you got ghosted so I got five six seven eight nine hours of past no results this is a very rapid not rapid then I get a message on Instagram from a guy going hey I'm the guy at the Tuesday you met you get those rapid results I go I haven't you guys are

buddies now so 24 more hours past the next day I get the results of the hundred dollar test negative I go great perfect I don't have COVID it's probably a cold whatever never get the results from the other two tests I waited in life like a half an hour these free tests the tent never got results shoddy work over here exactly so I go COVID scare averted I'm going to the seller I go do my spots I go hey I got a cold I'm sorry I'm dripping and draping but I don't have COVID don't worry about it then I feel better for about three days I'm like great it wasn't COVID I'm a hundred percent you had a little illness you felt

a little cold but I but I took the emergency drank some of that love it I'm back I feel fine that zinc is big too they gotta get the zinc yes so I had some zinc some vitamin C whatever I'm back three days later time to go to Texas for the holidays uh-huh Tejas yes love Texas Texas toast I'm on the plane I'm sitting there going all right off we go to Texas and no mass you hate mass well I'm wearing a mask in the plane man date I'd love a mandate had one of those in the 80s so well so I'm on the the plane now I wear the mask but I make sure I get a couple beverages so I can pull that thing right down now

they're all with that a couple sips of the drink yes so I go you got you always have that drink you just get the other come by go water I get it water I just give a straw with no no cup I'm like so I'm feeling good I got my negative test so I'm on the plane all of a sudden my head starts to hurt a little bit and I got a scratch oh head and scratch but often I get headaches on a plane because it's very stressful and there's no you lose hydration on a plane hydration the sinuses and then so whatever then I get the tickle and you know I have reflux I'm like well I've been eating a lot of marinara I had a couple cookies but it's

worse than normal it's making me want to cough a little hmm hmm I got that in the plane I turn into James Brown hey that was pretty good that would bed man's world move it yeah groove it yeah anyways I'm on the plane and then I text say I got the internet there I text there I go hey I don't want to be an alarm but I might get another COVID test my throat is really bothering me and I got a headache but it might just be a stress headache and just throat sure and she didn't care I land in Houston Texas no mass land get there we're going we're sitting in traffic my head is now like pounding oh wow pound pounding head but

I don't kick I get migraines occasionally I'm a stressed out guy every once in a while so I go I take Tylenol take a shower you like to wish it out whoosh I love a whoosh see your mother the three of us we go straight to Chachis in Kingwood Texas I love this restaurant Chachi Mexican restaurant restaurant just queso Mexican you know what I mean they got cheese there I got but this is first-class Tex-Mex they're real Mexicans in there I okay I love a good Tex-Mex I like Tex-Mex more than Max oh my god Mexican even come close to Tex-Mex I hate Max I say Max you got out of the country I go to California I eat

Max I'm like get out of here I'm going to Chipotle yeah I prefer Chex-Mex in California I'll go to Chipotle in Texas I don't go to Chipotle I mean occasionally we've been to Chipotle in Texas you got that right anyways let me get right to it we're at Chachis we're in there eating we're coming I'm going oh well I got my reflexes really kicking it up here oh yeah I mean the rest we did sit outside to be fair this is gonna be hate outside a tent with eight people so we're out there eating the Tex-Mex I got the headache I finished I shit I have like the craziest shits ever I go home I'm just like I'm blasting out but I'm

like I can't be the case so I ate it 10 minutes ago and I eat it every day was it diharhea I'm sorry was it diarrhea oh or was it just a long long it was long but some extra business a little shrapnel like it was like a big bus that had a oil leak bus with an oil leak so your your shit out speed yeah so I have a good shit and a headache but I chalk it up to travel whatever take some town LPM sleep wake up the next day now I got that gistro still been there and I go I'm starting to feel a little wacky and I have the big show that night big show group great club Andrew Youngblood shout out a couple hundred tickets sold or

whatever 150 tickets so whatever it is good room we went there oh yeah I love that room I did the the single best show my career was there Christmas 2019 is that right oh my god it was the best and we got a patreon from there if you're on the patreon we did a live from skankfest in that room with the guys from our you garbage great episode oh good eggs so much great shit on the patreon and we're cranking it up by the way we got Chuck on the ones and twos dial it up baby a lot of killer stuff in there not signed up today so you're shitting blood so shit the next morning I wake up and I got a little bit of a cough not the craze but

dry cough and I go I gotta go get tested your mother's downstairs I know it's annoying but I feel like we're gonna meet up with your family so I said texting the family because we're going there the next day we're going to make family so I text the whole group the whole siblings I go listen I'm going to get tested I got sick they go we don't give a shit we're having a great time we love you we don't want to be without you you're number one Texas baby you exude warmth we just want to be with you thank you so I say great so we go down we get tested again it's a fuck in this place in Texas nobody's getting tested they don't give a fuck

that's nice for you no line no test is Texas test is a tetanus that's like Tetris tonight is so we go to this place you have a doctor's appointment here it's not like a big line free for all you go into it it's free so you go in it's like a doctor's appointment so I wait in line not in line in the lobby whatever waiting room there it is I come in the lady wonderful sweet ladies takes my blood pressure perfect blood pressure whoa like them apples speaking of pressure good feeling perfect blood they take my temperature at 98 6 perfect blood pressure gives me the test she goes we'll be back in 15 minutes it's a rapid

super test doctor comes in no I hate it doc come now while I'm sitting there I'm feeling funky now I feel really just a little weird nothing crazy I text Graham K who I've been talking to that Sunday at the comedy celler K I say hey Graham how you doing he goes I was just about to text you I got COVID ah golden Graham go interesting because I'm not feeling too hot he goes you're probably toast that's a quote and so I go all right well now I know I'm get I got COVID the doctor's gonna come in here right as I hang up with Grammy walks in goes negative come on negative oh and I go are you sure because I had a direct exposure I feel

a little woozy I got a cough and seems a little weird and the guys like sit with his hands in his pockets legs crossed against the thing goes pal it's negative whoa like his hip he hits the piece of paper he's like 97% accurate wow who is this guy John Wayne he's Texas he's Texas doctor and at this point the story hadn't broke that these tests are shit shit test so he goes all right I go all right beautiful I got a doctor here I got to tell I did a take home the night before I did an at-home test a fucking regular test and then this doctor so I go giddy up so I go out to Sarah I come skipping out I go let's go to the

bagel shop we love let's go to the supermarket let's go to Starbucks let's go to Panera bread and nobody wears masks in Texas oh man you could have gone to an orgy rodeo you're in well I'm not gonna be the nerd from the big city with my glasses wearing a mask when no one else is wearing a mask they don't even believe in the vaccine you got that right so I'm in there wine and dine and 69 and I'm good and you know me I could be quite warm so I'm in there ordering copies I'm tipping I'm at the wait stack I'm hugging everybody I go hey how about those deck I'm giving headlocks yeah I mean I'm all over the

city spitting in their mouth I got the tits I got three negative tests in a row bang bang bang negative negative negative doctor a material medical professional with a piece of paper and a lab coat and so a doctor sit there he goes you're crazy and none of them will wear a mask anyways they're in it's Texas they go we don't wear a mask we don't give a shit and all I got is a little scratchy throat and headache so I go well whatever so I'm out gallivanting we end up cancel the shit cuz I'm like I'm not feeling too good and it feels weird to cancel I don't like it's like all young blood and he goes listen we're

shutting the club down next week everyone has Omicron our whole staff as if you want to cancel it's no big deal he's a great guy great guy he goes we can just reschedule and I'm like I don't know I call my agent you know me I don't want to let people down I go I got fans I've sold tickets it feels weird but I do feel funky but maybe I'm just in my head maybe I'm crazy sure and so finally we go you know what let's just ask cuz what if I by chance I'm testing now I don't want to just give all these people COVID I feel like a prick and a dick and a chick so it's like a Dr. Seuss so we reschedule and I got that feels better we

go back out to dinner we go back to chat she's heard him oh you know me if I like something I just triple up that's why I'm here you got that right so I'm out there eating Mexican queso shoving it in my ass I'm tipping I'm going to the bathroom I mean I burned my mask a couple days ago she landed Texas you go they don't give a shit I feel the same way that's their policy burn the mask you buy a cowboy hat they don't care oh yeah so why should I care when in Rome you know the governor's in a fucking wheelchair is that right yeah no kidding look it up by the way the eye patch guy his office is right next

to Sarah's house uh Crenshaw Crenshaw yes he's right down the street wow same building her father had an office isn't that fun now isn't that just a mask for your eye it's kind of an eye mask go but I he's got COVID eye the worst detective I'm going to come Cobra Kai so I'm by so we reschedule the show and we're sitting around and you know when you go to see your mother-in-law my mother-in-law is a hundred and eight years old we're sitting there watching a show but the pyramids that's what she's into scheme now the you know the oh I see I see not the $10,000 no I think we'd do well in there I would love

to do that I still think we'd do good patreon yeah we should set that up let's set it up do one of those boom we play that's the head thing the heads up seven up what do you call that heads up let's play heads up on patreon do it today that's gold I bet we'd mop the floor with that thing you gotta buy an iPad though I think you can do a phone maybe yes oh I got an iPad for that phone pillow it is an iPad yeah that's what those you were making no no that could be a bit yeah maybe all right let's keep it moving so wait there we go so watch the pyramid thing uh-huh ask me a proctologist Kramer you are the

ass man as my white whale so that we're watching the pyramid thing and I'm sitting there I go you ever do this you're like testing cuz I don't want to be a paranoid maniac and Sarah has no empathy for anything whatsoever she's just like shut up you bitch you're a fucking loser I like that no woman and so oh no I lost my puffy thing oh weird I didn't notice it go away it's probably in your crotch you put your your microphone your ass oh yeah the farting it might be up your ass came out of his ass oh we're getting that this is too good as the sound gonna be bad now you're good you're good we might win a

cable ace for this up all right keep it going cable ace I love a cable ace it's the only ace I like cable do's ace of spades I've got ace freely and I've got Peter Chris you're wearing a Weezer shirt are you not I am yes well I'm yeah doesn't sound like it I'm a weezer right now let me get right to it please so watch the pyramid stuff did you ever do this when you're feeling sick but then you're like am I sick when you turn your head quick I never that's a good move I'm doing this I'm like yeah I think I close my eyes and it burns when I'm over here they don't even notice me because they're like sitting on that side

watch the pyramids like I didn't know that about the pyramids and I'm like doing this my temperature I'm coughing into my mouth yeah I'm like swapping my own mouth with my pinky and my ass to see if I come right it's a whole thing I'm kind of freaking out but I have that moment of like I'm really glad I'm not on stage right now yes I feel fucking whacked out and then I was like do you guys have a thermometer and they're like we don't have a thermometer and I'm like alright no sweat don't worry about it and then her mother's like you're still worried about COVID like she said like I was a bitch and I was like you're right

you're right never mind I'm not worried she's like you got nothing but negative tests I'm like alright good point sorry and I copy me while she's getting COVID right now not to spoil the story oh geez 808 so so I go yeah it's probably fine but I did feel like I'm glad I canceled that show cuz I feel crazy take Tylenol PM again sleep the day away I wake up the next morning still feel a little jizzy but not too bad better we like we like to run okay so I go let's go run I'll run it out whatever I have it's probably reflex let's go for a run get it all out I run 3.1 miles of 5k feel pretty good couple coughs after but I'm

sweating I'm running that ran a good time too I'll say under 8 minutes a mile good hustle good sweat going I'm like now I'm back alright alright you're replenished all good in the hood and but a couple coughs still a couple wheezy peasy Japanese we go to our bagel shop I go inside I hug and kiss everybody we wine and dine we eat outside to be safe but we're waiting in there for quite a while oh boy no mask yeah so we leave we're driving by I see a drive-through testing site with no cars in it cuz it's Texas you got that right and I just grabbed the wheel and go pull right here you're like the 19

test I go give me one more test because we're going to meet the family okay and I don't want to give cove into 25 people and I go it's a rapid test maybe it's negative Sarah is getting mad at this point like you're a loser you're a nerd you're a queef you're a douche I should have married someone else you stink your sticks too small you gave me herpes she's mentioned these to me yeah yeah so I go just just one more test it's a drive-through who gives a shit we'll be in the car I've through they come out with a cute tip in the window oh yeah they come in you put your license your credit card in the bag you send it

off you come back she swapped crazy a swap ever had she held it in there whoa I have like I have no aversion to these tests whatsoever she put it in there deep and held it out of a window in a car out of wind I mean the car like this wow holds it back there my eyes twitching she pulls it on I'm like if this thing's negative we're free and clear you got aids this thing is way up I got something else because I'm having this thing I'm like why am I sick twice in three days I never get sick I'm like I had a cold three days ago yes how can I be sick again so now I'm hoping it's going to worry about it I'm like what

the fuck's wrong with me I'm dying and this is right out of a window right out of a window man I hate to see the herpes test oh I'll give it to you all right so we leave we go meet up with her mother have dinner again at Chachi's probably I don't know what we did for dinner that night we're hanging out get the email negative come on I got it at home doctor appointment and a fucking drive through negative negative negative and I go that's it that's it I'm not gonna hear another word from me no COVID which is a little pressure because their sister's like I bet you don't have COVID and I was like yeah you're probably right but

I get mad I'm like this who are you to say I don't have COVID right three tests I said it's a run on who's my buddy and he goes was it a PCR and I go fuck you at some point I gotta believe these I snapped yeah I was like fuck the PCR I've had three different kinds of tests I talked to a doctor I don't have it fuck you I'm like at what point do you accept these tests yes and he's like I'm just saying get a PCR if you can I was like fuck off I said fuck you I was like wow shut up harsh get out of here you fat you what loser what do we have 48 different PCR we got a rapid we got a heartbeat what are the other ones antigen there's

something else CPR there's all kinds of these test it's too much give me one test that works and call today it's wild so now we're off to Hill Country which is you know outside of Austin we drive we're in the car her mother's 72 Sarah we're singing along we're dancing I'm giving a hand job you're breathing on her we get there day night one all of a sudden Sarah oh how do you like that starts getting sick and everyone she's like sick sick and a cold I feel good I'm like I'm hiking I'm smoking cigars I feel great I ran Iraq you know so Sarah sick now all sudden everyone starts going well I wonder if you have

COVID I go she doesn't have come she has what I had this is what I had right it triggers me because I'm like you guys thought I wasn't sick now she's sick what do you think I was just kidding right and I'm like she has the exact symptoms I had she had I had and I don't have COVID so how would she have COVID she didn't have COVID exactly and they didn't believe you now they believe her what the hell so they're all gone maybe she has COVID I don't know whatever we hang out lovely Christmas just a great time we're high the Hill Country is beautiful yeah it's rolling Hills the big Lake Canyon Lake we walk

around the dam just a great time that's lunch beautiful then we do three days there Sarah's sick now everyone else feels fine we pack up we get back in the car her 85 year old mother Sarah she was 65 and me we drive back to Houston have a nice time now as you remember we're getting ready to go to fly home then go to Philly to see Dr. Dogg oh I love the DD last shows ever yep they're retiring then we got to do Dr. Dogg the next night I'm taking my nephew driving up to Boston take my nephew to the Providence College game you're from Rhode Island they got a great squad this year we're taking over the game top

25 battle against Seton Hall there there you go so this is the plan but the Dr. Dogg everyone's canceling everything they hold the line they're like we're doing our shows hey what's the last hurrah and I'm like good for you fuck this rescheduling do the shows requires a negative test to get in you got 13 of those we're back in but it's gonna be within 48 hours I can't take any more tests and days have passed I'm out gallivanting in Hill Country stopping in every gas station to talk to Tom Dick and Harry right he writes bread the thread the good word get it and spread it I mean we've been from Houston to

Austin to Hill Country everywhere in between Canyon Lake and stopped in a million grocery stores Starbucks coffee shops and Bucky's it's like you're on a campaign to give people COVID it's wild so you got to get tested I go I know it's annoying why don't we go hit that drive-thru we need the negative test anyways back to the drive-thru we'll go to the drive-thru plus Sarah's been sick and I still have a lingering jizz I hate a lingering but I'm fine I'm running I'm smoking I'm hiking I'm biking yes yes and fucking and fucking I knew it so that's probably what gave it to her we hit the drive-thru we had a 4 3rd 20 p.m.

flight we go around 1 p.m. we go couple swabs sure sure in the car lean up the door and go great now we got our negative test we don't have to worry about it in Philly we're going to the concert man you've taken more tests than an Asian kid so we go and my father threw me off a building and so that's what happens to the kids doesn't it or they jump off the building I see I see I guess the father doesn't throw him off the building I think they jump out of the iPhone factory that's a building okay but there's a father they jump off the NYU oh yeah why you kid right by the seller a couple years ago is there a father I think the

father was mad cuz you gotta be mine oh wow man it's gonna suck to be Asian yeah not to mention the hate and a little dinks squid game but um so this episode might get us well all right well you're going to Philly so we get dropped the airport and invested all of a sudden your mom is driving us to the airport she's got a little milk and coffee and she's 77 yeah her cough sounds a little grittier it's a little Tom wait see oh shit it's a little bit like Jesus and she's like I got a little light headache and we're like oh light headache she's old man she used to fuck Biden like that I get a cough interesting

well we have the same thing we were in the car whatever it is it's whatever bug and she's like I think there's other bugs going around just because it's COVID doesn't mean AIDS went away and cancer and all that shit point good yeah good point good point and we got the naked we got the negative test so she drops us off the airport she's like I love you honey have a good time out there and we go see you soon New Yorker comes down and starts jizzing all over town so then we go through security and this this is just a side note you're gonna hate this so much pissed already so I walk up to the clear I'm clear sour is not so I say

go fuck yourself clear walk up to the clear line I go this is clear and there's two guys talking with the clear suits oh yeah yep go right through there clear suits on yeah you can see the deck geez that's pretty good so I walk all the way up the aisle then when I get to the end of the aisle I see the clear machine is on this side there's two aisles next to each other the clear machine whether you they fucking shoot your eyes and read your social security whatever sure sure it's right here facing this way okay so it's here and I was like oh I'm so oh shit I thought he told me this is the clear aisle I'm supposed to be right

here and this lady goes you gotta walk down it's a rope you psycho and I go I gotta walk all the way back I can't just do this yeah it's right here it's literally here right but I'm like she's like no you can't you got to go back oh I'm furious I hate that shit and so I turn to the clear guy and I go I can't you can't just I can't just go what what she's like the wave away this is all they have what to shoot this lady I hate her so I gotta walk a hundred yards back this empty lane and then just do this and walk a hundred yards back up to get to the same spot and there's nobody here oh my lord all of it is just to walk up

the thing it doesn't make any sense it's no sense I don't want to go on a rant here because we got a story to do we got a show to wrap up but this bothers me because this is where Karen's come from you know you get the Karen video nobody shows this part of the crazy Couser goes hey you got to take a 20 minute detour to go one foot I'm not kidding I mean this like I guess I don't know how far the camera can shoot I mean literally it's standing here but facing that way okay so I couldn't just do this right it's here yes yes to walk 200 yards back what sense does that make anyway so I just I hope you gave her a little what

for well then I walked up so I go through the clear and I have my ticket and I went to scan it at her thing she's like you don't scan and I go I'm sorry I don't know how it works that's good I walked by her I go through this the super security they pull my bag they go they gotta go look for your bag a guy goes and the guy was very friendly he goes you got a cigar cutter in here and I go yeah I got a cigar cutter he goes I gotta find it and I'm like it's you know what it is yeah so he empties my bag and I was on vacation so I have oatmeal in there green I'm just a bag full of shit yeah he's pulling everything out long

story short the cigar cutter had seeped into my Tylenol like box a little pill box it was in this we couldn't fight so we're tearing the butt plug the dildos the heroin finally by the way sour is now waiting for me I got clear and pre-check but she's already through cuz I had this guy the irony so we get through we go finally that's over I'm worried about your mom's cop that's crazy we walk up to the gate the gate door opens and they go all right pre-boarding anyone with wheelchairs or club feet get on now that's how they do it and I go hey we're diamond now so as soon as they're done with the idiots we're in damn gold

so here we go all right next next group to board hey our results came in positive now we're talking I got my suitcase and my backpack and they're literally going diamond please welcome diamond to the stage diamond to the state was a strip club and we look to each other and go what do you got she's like I just got a night I was gonna pause I'm like I got a positive oh my god your mother's gonna die this is crazy they're boy like do we get out of here should we leave we call her having a pack up do we walk back through there we're positive we can't get on a plane we're positive like diamond hello let's

go first class we're first class you gotta go out of your first class you're not gonna bother anybody you're facing the wrong way we got our masks on we're positive with through security and we had checked bags and I'm like well we got checked bags yeah you gotta go to dr. dog he's the doctor she's like what about my mother my mother's dying oh my god what do we do about my mother and I'm like who gives a shit about your mother get out the goddamn plane shut and so now we can't talk about it because we're fucking on the plane we can't have anyone hear us going I'm sorry did you say your boss yeah right so

about just going I got my phone down to like the darkest day I can't even see because I'm like texting my mother taking her mother like everybody we got COVID hi get out the couch we're dying I gotta text the whole family and her sister's like oh my god I hiccuped a couple times you're basically a terrorist I've got a terrorist on a plane and I'm sitting there and it was like the fucking poison at the Kramer episode with the roaches I'm like I went in there I read the newspaper sat down I read a manuscript I was like the bagel shop Starbucks the grocery store I gave it to everybody the whole state of

Texas is ruined it's wild like we went to high school football game I fucked three women while you were sleeping I went to Dairy Queen oh my god what God is and then we're on the plane I'm like it's a sold out flight oh wow and so I'm like what do we do oh my god so I put like another mask on I put duct tape over my nipples yeah I put sunglasses on a full hazmat suit you got gloves on I was crazy and I'm texting everybody I'm like I have COVID right now my god damn plane oh my lord everything we've heard they've been like don't fly don't talk to anybody shut down fucking burn your clothes yes yes yes kill yourself and

it's crazy for two years of watching this thing and like remember there was like six cases in Seattle we're like it's coming it's getting closer then there was one of the upper west side well my god we're gonna kill ourselves and now it's in me the thing from two years ago it's in my nipples it's on my ass in my pubes your patient zero you went around you fly now I'm on a flight I'm flying across the goddamn country you're the guy from Wuhan so you know me on a flight I pissed four times every flight you just up here walking up and down bringing it up like a like a priest with the spray thing what we're in

first class sitting there like this I'm like don't say anything she's like what do I do about my mother I'm like don't mention your mother and I'm like I know what your mother she's dead so let it go so I was sitting there were texting her and they're like oh my god she has it oh my god everyone's like oh my god we're dying my niece is sick oh my god and so we sit there we don't get up once in the flight I didn't even have a sip of water which normally I like to do I kept the mask on tight then we get off and even then you're like you know wait for your luggage you're in the cab and you're like I can't believe this finally we get

home we just like kick the door open we're like oh my god by this point I feel fine so does she we're feeling we feel a hundred percent we got a little tickles that's all that's fascinating you're not even sick anymore but you have it no and when I had it I was running and smoking cigars and hiking wow so it didn't bad and we only knew about the test because a dr. dog right otherwise I would have been like well that was crazy we had the weird same cold so you'd be happy to know this was three weeks ago now her mother's fine her sister's fine full recovery but they all everybody's good clearly positive yeah the mother

sister and her niece but the other family members didn't get it fortunately they all feel fine and then by the way it gets even worse than that because oh worse two days after Christmas I've texted my family my family's like we all hate each other we need you to come up here but what because I'm going to go to New Year's in Boston or Massachusetts they're fighting well they're not fighting but they're just like no just come we don't care okay and by the way you're supposed to be whatever the CDC rules I'm like I'm fine it's been days since I had it but they were like we don't care so same

thing we're like we won't stop we'll just drive straight from New York to Massachusetts and you feel weird because you're like I'm testing positive I have COVID yeah my parents are like we don't care just give it to us we've been boosted who gives a shit they end up not getting it because we're fine because he only contagious I think three days or five days or something and you guys don't hug it'd been eight or nine days yeah we don't talk to each other so sure we just play a picture there you go anyways that was an epic wow man so yeah you had it you spread it and look you're done with it you got through it and you

're fine now everybody's fine and you got it over with so now you probably got any bodies up the yin yang and you're home free I feel I feel empty-bodied up I'm vaxxed and boosted which did wonders work for Omicron and I feel good and by the way don't worry we're only in the bagel shop for five minutes I exaggerated a little bit yeah it's a word about 30 places of business though it's a comedy show you know folks we got a divulge a little and that's not the right word what do you call when you up it exaggerate exaggerate thank you I thought started with a D I don't know why but yeah do do they cover

dick dynamite diamond Delta I don't know but either way glad to have you back good thing you got it oh wait I'm gonna say the word hold on it's devour not exaggerate divulge embellish embellish I was a one letter right after D embellish just say this real quick too I don't want to get serious and talk about these people message me and I've seen a couple comments message tweets fucking list is full of shit he fucking wanted me he was wrong about COVID you're like well tons of information has changed aha you don't keep the same opinion right out of the process to me the vaccine was the big thing what's up with

buddy believe in the vaccine now I'm like once I went and get a vaccine I'm going out now yeah that's the point that's why I'm like you told me about this vaccine I got the back if you don't like a vaccine don't get a vaccine I don't give a fuck but I'm like what's I'm vaccinated now I'm like let's go out let's be out what are you talking about early on it was like hey be careful we're wearing masks we're staying in and I believe in a society that's what we're doing so I'm like great that's what we're doing yeah what you have the vaccine they're just clinging to this thing they love it yeah you love COVID and now it's

gotten it also by the way has changed to be like ridiculously more mild yes or milder and we got vaccinations it's milder and now we even have a treatment yeah so yes I don't feel the same way as I did in April of 2020 you fucking Nimrod you're the idiot I wait everything changes at one point it was there's no way it's from a lab it's a bad it's a wet market and then 10 months later oh it's definitely a lab it's obviously a lab and now you're okay to say that when you couldn't before I mean you can do anything they all thought the earth was flat then fucking Magellan or Galileo one of those guys just on a

bar napkin they were like oh maybe it's round and then next week it's round now you know that's how it works information changes so should your feelings on things yes yes anyways but it's still shouldn't still marry be careful be safe but Omicron quite mild and it is a thing I'm like I don't want to sound like an asshole here but if I was this level of sick I was with Omicron I would have gone to the comedy cell there three years ago I mean oh for sure you would have been like I got a little cold how you doing no doubt about it so anyways but yeah my story I guess the vaccine the booster saved you a little yeah I

think so but I have to say Sarah was not boosted and I think she was a little bit sick of the two days that we were like sick sick she was like coughing more throughout the night but she was fine she had no lingering cough she was fine oh okay I don't want to I'm like I'm I like the boost I'm happy I got a boost but I was boosted Sarah had not been boosted we were about the same amount of sick all right well there you go you heard it here first folks take that Joe doesn't believe in the booster whatever information you think but by the way I believe in the vaccine go get a vaccine if you don't want to get a

vaccine you'll get a vaccine I don't give a fuck what you do that's how I feel do whatever you want like you to subscribe and comment and follow the show is what I guess just don't DM us mean shit how about that I got plenty of that yeah what can you do it's nice some people hate me yeah me too yeah it's part of it you can't win them all you know that's what they say and it's it's really true you try but you really can't you know a very wise man who was very smart never did anything wrong once said I don't know the secret to success but the secret to failure is to try to please everyone and that man was serial rapist Bill Cosby

there you go he was honest something with the second part but yeah alright folks well how long do we do like an hour 15 oh play heads up on the patreon it's gonna be a hot hum digger you guys are missing out that's gonna be lunch you're not on there get on there what an epic what a tale I think I have COVID now thanks to that story and we're gonna we're gonna wrap it up here folks you got any hot dates you want to plug their fat man yeah but I don't know where they are I'll start I'll start alright I'm gonna be in Syracuse funny bone Syracuse New York Sacramento punchline we added a show let's do it up Omaha funny bone

Columbus Ohio Fort Wayne Indiana La Jolla comedy store Tampa side splitters Cincinnati Louisville comedy club in Kentucky Danny improv in Florida I'm doing a theater in Raleigh I'm doing Chicago theater this summer it's gonna be not Chicago theater the Vic in Chicago wow I don't know what that is something big is big I got the Pearl Jam bootleg from the Vic whoa I don't even know the Vic Michael Vic when a dog I think that's June or some shit so I'm going deep but I get on the patreon get on Mark Norman comedy dot com check out the stand-ups season two season three YouTube YouTube where are you gonna be

well I got hyenas in Dallas that's this weekend come on out Texas you know I love you sorry about spreading an infectious disease all over your state but you guys didn't care in the first place and then back in Houston again February 15th in Houston that's where I really spread it sorry about that but I canceled Atlantic City comedy club it's called February 19th that's a Saturday night in Feb and then Key West comedy February 24 2526 come down make the trip will smoke some cigars will hang out Hemingway Tom Dustin all the good stuff come out to Key West make it a destination one of the best clubs in the

country if you ask me and it's run by comedians hell yeah it's the nut house running the asylum or whatever that fucking saying is and then back in Texas Fort Worth's March 4th and 5th then a Ruba Ray's comedy club March 6th to the 12th side splitters you know how much I love side splitters that is probably my second favorite comedy club in the country absolutely love it they've always been so good to me I do better than anywhere else so please come out March 24 through 26 then Laugh Boston April 14 15 16 that's gonna be embarrassing if I don't sell well there so just come it's Patriots Day weekend I'll be at the

game I'll be at the marathon you know that Sarah's birthday Buffalo Helium April 21st of the 23rd and then May which is a little far out there but Cap City back in Austin I mean I fucking just moved to Texas yeah May 5th of the 7th and good nights and Raleigh's may Raleigh May 12th through the 14th and then check out Joe and Ron on talk movies mindful metal jacket is back you can check all that out on my YouTube and subscribe to that here and join the patreon in the page I know we keep saying it but we're doing a lot more stuff in the studio now we're about to record a bonus we have bonuses of just

us bullshitting we have bonuses up watching Seinfeld we have live episodes you get the video a week early yeah it's a lot going on on the patreon so go sign up now you can join for four bucks a month that's three bucks even yeah here 75 cents a week hey you can't beat it a lot of great stuff a lot of great stars and more to come that's the thing so get on it folks tell a friend praise Allah 75 that's a week that's insane that's pocket change or lunch money