Tuesdays with Stories! - #436 Long Luke Load

Episode Date: January 25, 2022

Hoo wee!! This episode has everything for ya gang as Mark rebounds on the last night of a rough trip to Syracuse while Joe loses video of a hot set before seeing a crazy COVID train lady and seeing Monster Jam with Shane Gillis. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Better Help (Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at BetterHelp.com/Tuesdays), Indochino (Support the show and $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code TUESDAYS at Indochino.com), & Endeavor (Support the show and get15% off at checkout by using promo code TUESDAYS at  endeavorathletic.com) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to out YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are folks it's Tuesday we're in the studio we're gonna get kicked out the secretary hates this and the guy next door is my lawyer I legitimately saw a guy like I peeked through I came in here I said what's up

you homos or whatever version of that sure then I was like I gotta take a shit I walked out and I saw a guy with his door was open a jar I hate a jar and it just wasn't and we made a okay he looked up like that we made an eye contact he looked like James L Brooks it's just it's bad it's bad this is a bad situation well you're also dressed like an aerobics instructor from the 80s so he's probably like well where's your dress code who's this guy's coming in here to do a jazz or size I got all my primary colors it's too solid well I'm wearing these are a new sponsor called endeavor endeavor nice pole and

they're nice pants I recommend them you gotta get them but they're a little bit more stronger than I thought and I put them on I got red shoes blue pants a lot yeah you look like the the Brazilian flag over here colors are that flag but yeah that's some solid Amish ankle porn you're pulling off here and that ankle is whiter than Barry Mantelow well you know what I need to do I gotta go and put all my money into clothes because oh that's a horrible investment no listen to this because I was in Nairobi what's the one Cleveland yeah I was in

Cleveland with you know whatever a few weeks ago with John Fish months ago months ago fish and we're shopping I went I he's like you gotta get some clothes like I don't need clothes and I get some sweatpants at like champs sports or whatever it is one of those places sure Lady Foot Locker and they're like sweatpants 40 bucks I go give me a large they're soft and squishy I get two of them 80 bucks yes I wear them for you know three weeks straight wash them get them back and they look like my nephew's pants they're neither knickers I got football pants on yeah well knicker please but I know what you mean you

can't do it I get I get these clothes now I buy clothes for life you know people go these are in you gotta get these I go I'm not getting these because they're not evergreen I'm like Cosby I want to knock you out and I wanted my jokes to work in 20 years well that's what happens but be but I just I shrink I can't wash my clothes I'm telling you I got these long daddy legs you do yeah they shrink and my wife is walking around with all these great sweatpants they shrink to her size I'm like three feet taller than this bitch yeah maybe you buy big maybe you go to big and tall like you know the rock or Cedric the

entertainer but that's what I'm saying is I gotta spend my I have to go have them like sew the pants for me like whatever like whatever Luke Longley does you know I mean like yeah he played for the Bulls back in the day he's got a long right in there that's pretty good that's not bad I love a Luke I always wanted to be Luke when I was a kid me too I love Luke Luke Skywalker of course of course and there's no gay Luke and there's Luke you know I mean sure there's a gay Luke somewhere I guess but Luke was Luke you got the ooh and the cuh plus cool hand Luke I tried to be in one time Derek and I were wrestling and he was

like sitting on my face and farting in my tits and I kept like coming back for more and it was a bummer because he had never seen cool hand Luke oh yes and so I had like a black eye and I was like I'll still keep going yeah one yet and then like three weeks later he watches the movie he's like oh you're just doing that scene I'm like well whatever hand me an egg 35 or 39 50 I wanted to be a Luke big movie for me when I saw that movie it blew my tits right into my asshole oh of course it was good fun but man I want to be a Luke maybe I'll change to Luke Luke list Luke list holy shit anyone else hard that's a gay

porn name I've ever heard it sounds like a superhero Joe sucks there's just so many of them it's so generic no offense average Joe Joey bag of donuts you know Joe Rogan Joe Camel Joe or Joe Camel yeah they mark is biblical which is a little awkward well Joe is biblical is that right we got Joe huge what are you kidding oh Joseph Jesus Mary and Joseph he's like the biggest one Mark's not in the Bible what I'm one of the dudes Mark Luke and John no one ever heard of Luke Luke's Bible Luke's big that takes from it I think a little bit yeah I like more of a Koran guy you're telling me Mark is more biblical than Joe I'm Joe I'm the

father well no one goes hey it's Mary the baby and Joe over here it's Joseph well that's my name Joseph maybe I'll go by Joseph Joseph Luke no what are you a documentary filmmaker now it Joseph is so pretentious it's weird it's an old guy with a beard who has a sweater on and sells a wool hats that's a good point Joseph Luke's a little hippy-dippy it's not for you who is Joseph in the Bible I don't know anything by I watch act his dad was Zeus's dad Jesus's ah I thought that was God isn't he the son of God well well either way fuck Mary and she wasn't awake for it nobody that Gerardo joke is the best man she really stuck

to her story that is goal but I watched I was just working with a guy he's doing these Bible jokes I feel like an asshole I got to read this Bible because oh it's a tough read but I don't know what the hell they're talking about everyone's like hey it's a little bit like Xenix if you know what I mean I'm like what is Xenix or is that I may have made that up I don't know about Xenix but playing there in Arizona but I'll tell you the Bible is tough and it's wild it is just rape pedophilia murder I mean I have a bit about the Bible I went to Catholic school it is insane it's like the good book you know the Bible put your hand on

the body the whole thing is just just death and the sadness so the the Old Testament Jesus is not in it that's what I picked up is that right he's out he's not in there yes equal he's in the second one which all my knowledge of the Bible is from jokes and like last temptation of Christ which I never got into because I was like I don't know who's who you're supposed to know the story I think well we know the cross you know the crucifixion why they did I think he got canceled or he put out a tweet something happened where they put Jesus up on the thing they they hammer the nails and then the Egyptians are

there I know this is a people go there's a couple of Apostles yeah Luke and Mark oh maybe okay so maybe Luke and Mark then is the big dinner you know the set what is it the dinner the last supper supper I know about the supper where's the early supper you never hear about the first supper yeah supper that's brunch there's no litter no lupor and then there's I know jeet the wise men came they brought gifts but that's not in the Bible that's like later I think that's later what about Merth what the hell is Merth I don't know I'm a flat Mercer final frontier yeah yeah there's that I thought the wise men were in there they

did three guys they bring your toys well maybe I don't know if they're in there I confused because sometimes I forget I confused like the Bible with Christmas with the pilgrims pilgrim is the Mayflower in the Bible no no that's a myth gay flower I think they hate Columbus is equal is he part of that he's Italian he's the only Italian whose name doesn't end in a vowel right a wop Diego that's a pretty good trivia right name another Italian name that ends in non-vowel mmm why is he Columbus why isn't he Columbus yeah Colombo Colombo Colombo he's something yeah that was a show he's a wop where's he a Jew Peter

fuck I think he's a Jew yeah I think he's a Jew but I think he played an Italian because Colombo right back then people didn't want to watch Jews like you saw the crime get real yeah yeah not not on my watch hmm well the the Holocaust didn't get solved what do you mean well these are all Jews you think one of them would go hey this is a bad idea yeah it's hard cuz you like there was so many they could have really beat the shit out of some Nazis but I think you get spooked or something six million you're like hey you guys couldn't get two million together and get a Nazi in a headlock but what are you gonna do

hit them with stale bread I mean it's a little tricky they got the guns and the yelling I feel like that star David you could use as a throwing star let's let's get creative here that dreidel throw a few of those at you but I think they took that stuff I went to the museum was a whole pile of shit in there they took their pots their pans and the start it was like an armband they would have to like got it wet snapped it at them that's true yeah that big pile of stuff it looks like a like a like a swap meet I want to get in there and do some pickin it's very moving you go you look at it you go my god that belong to you know

Judy yikes yeah yeah poor Judy but yeah I watched the Schindler's List with the lady and she's tick-talking through half of it and diddling herself but we got some tears going there's some great I missed the tits what you're watching AMC there's tons of tits think I did big-time tits what you tits he's fucking now he's fucking the ladies they got a great tip I jerked off to pause the Nazi tits good Nazi tits yeah I love a Nazi tit you did not see any tits I can bear apparently not what about the Nazi and Indiana Jones that blonde coos in the last one the last one crusade I didn't care for crusade well the movie stinks

Sean Connery was was when he does the bird the whole thing's cookie but all the man now dog yeah welcome to the rock but either way the scene with the Nazi lady was she was so hot yeah the blonde off the redabble I'd like to see a hot Nazi that's gotta be a porn right yeah that's gotta be a porn yeah there's I'm sure there's a Holocaust porn there's every other kind of porn well anyways I might go by Luke Luke we try call me Luke for a little bit you don't fit a Luke though it doesn't you're kidding me I'm all Luke you got no Luke why you what do you put up your Luke Luke University oh yeah no Luke I think you

could pull off a Luke maybe you gotta be real tough you know I always thought my name is Joseph Albert I always thought like if I hated my first name or somebody else in the name I go by Al big Al or Bert but then there's already a Bert now a couple of Burt's yeah Bernie Al's too short I know it's the same syllable as Joe but it's just two letters two letters is tough yeah that's why you need a big Al or a fat Al or a crazy Al Chris Al there you go he's fat yeah but yeah I hated Mark as a kid really always hated it well you hate your own name yeah I was one of the I was the guy like call me dickless or Toto or Chuchu Toto was big

my dad called me that cuz I had the same hair as the dog and Wizard of Oz oh yeah I can see that they call me a fucking dog yeah yeah well a lovable dog who's smart too was he of course I'll take it yeah yeah yeah I wanted a nickname so bad but if they don't stick they got to be put on you yeah I guess so when I was I used to be a PA on a couple of flicks or day back when I was trying to find myself didn't know where I was I was rudderless so I worked on some movies and it's a pretty grueling job you got to lock that it lock it up you know about lock it up I know what lock it up I think we talked about lock it up on here

oh we talked about lock it up all right lock her up yeah but either way what you're not in there that was that elbow right through like the walk this way video yeah so I'm working on this movie and we're in the middle of Texas San Antonio out in the brush cuz we're shooting some crazy scene I I go I got to take a piss they go all right lock it up or cool it out or whatever and I go pee and I step on a cactus oh and I'm on the walkie so I'm like you know you can hear me and they're like what happened what happened cuz I didn't know if a coyote got me and I go I had a pee I stepped on a cactus I fell on it and

they're like you can hear the howls of all the grip the makeup ladies so for the rest of the movie I was cactus oh yeah that's pretty good yeah that is I mean like cactus Jack was a was a guy that's true cactus mark and long leg Luke I mean I think we could pull this off we got some cowboy hat and a belt buckle cactus here in middle school they call me gangly fag but it didn't stick in high school now that fits yeah that one I like I got a corny-ass white boy yeah big one that's fun everything all right Shelby every once in a while you make a face and I'm afraid the thing shut down all right cool I think you

hated the Bible talk Shelby is wildly devout I don't know people know that he's kneeling now no kidding I've caught you kneeling a few times but that was at a different bar well should we get into some some jizz it's just great to see I was out in Dallas and it's just so isolating you forget I cuz they don't let you bring anybody and I was working with a nice guy but I had shit to do I had to zoo I had to do a podcast on zoom and the other thing and work out and all the stuff and isn't that a bitch you know you kind of when you go on the road you kind of want to de-com jizz you know you want to jizz all over your back and take

it easy put your feet up watch back to the future marathon order in but when you have the zooms and the self-tapes and the other shit it kills your weekend it's tough it's all it's all obligations and whatever but I know I keep saying this I've been a while though I really want to feel a jizzy low to my back feels like it's about time I haven't heard you say that in a while it's been a while have you back well it's not till you said it that I was like that must be fun right on the butt you know I mean yeah my lady loves ejaculate she is she'll swim in that if it was a l'oreal sold it she'd buy it a little

little container and put it right here it just feels fun to feel like well there it was you know I mean I come you gotta take the lady come you gotta take their word for it they go I came and they dig your heels into your asshole but they don't get to see and feel a pile of hot toothpaste on your face I know and it is warm I move all eating it it is blazing hot it's like cocoa and this is why I don't get why you don't like the squirting well the squirting is fake it's pissed they're pissing on you know I do like it what do you mean that's what I hate the squirting no I think the squirting is fake that that's my

porn I go to I like reverse I know that you got me all wrong wait a minute send me a link you have to get a Luke this is Uncle Joe long Luke I love the that's the only point I ever got into was reverse Bukaki with her all like taking all that yeah the reverse argument but that's not that's that's piss I'm talking when you really need deep in a gash and that thing is Katrina baby you got a you got a raincoat on an umbrella and it's really just well it's a wave pool baby wow keep in mind my wife is 64 years old so I mean it's not hydrated yeah yeah I get it my own spit but yeah I remember I

remember I fucked a couple kids back in there you know now they squirt back at the guns yeah little super soker super soker remember those were so fun you needed one you had to have the soker and if you had a knockoff forget about it that beat the shit out of you with that tank yeah yeah oh man that's super so and then some kids went too far like look you got the middle range that's all you need but some kids would get the bazooka he's got a fucking backpack on with a hose going to the gun and you're like what is this those grenades oh come on this is all very violent to this is this is preschool shooting when you

would just buy a super soker and shoot each other in the face you know you didn't have to bring an AK to the to the high school a preschool shooting I like it title what's that my equipment you know my equipment yeah I love the wit one of my favorite guys on earth he used to have a great joke about it how all his friends had super sokers but they were poor so I had to make do he's like I had a thing of Windex oh yes and then he's like I gotta crank it up this is no good it's not working so I go into the sink and the kids are like he's got the rain it was a great bit good time yeah kids are fun to have sex with but

yeah what the hell we're talking about we're gonna get into some juice oh yes I got distracted I think by the Bukkaki the Bukkaki took out the load on my back yeah yeah long Luke load yes that sounds like a Korean director but and Joe is in there a lot with the Koreans yeah soon Joe hello Huck yeah Bong Boon soon Joe come yeah all right I got a lot of stuff to get into please please well first of all I just went to Dallas it was really fun and tell me about this I need your help I need you please lay it on me fatty come yes you know you're very good with the content everybody's content I stink with the content a lot of work

it's taking over my life it's consuming I'm bad with the content I hate the content and I hate Instagram used to be photos it would be a sunset and a motorcycle and a bikini shot and now it's tick-tock it's all video it's video I hate the video I hate it and it's all comics going you ever see a bag and then you skip I hate comedy yes comedy's bad but you got to do it so you know I had a couple clips from Portland that guy and then I had the Cleveland incident the guy shot my video stuff and then I made fun of him here I think you didn't care for that I'm sorry that right I didn't know about the Cleveland incident I

still haven't gotten it back remember I was talking about the video a guy came and video yes nice guy yes and and you know I said I really video I don't know I never saw anything oh yeah you never got it and he wrote back and he's like you hurt my feelings you piece of shit he made fun of my teeth so I think we're fighting oh my lord I had no idea I feel terrible I feel bad but I still have the clip so it's Japan haven't paid him but I'll exchange goods just sex and discounts sure sure yeah wow this is boy you really must have done a number on this Cleveland content what you held you say about his choppers well no he made

fun of my teeth oh but I was like hey where's my video you son of an onion wait a minute he made fun of your teeth and now he's being a was well I just I don't know what's going on I think it's hard to edit I think he's consumed I think he had COVID I think you know it's perfect editing time you got the door closed and the blanket on that's a good point I have a point but anyways I'll get it when I get it whatever I don't trust this Cleveland coups so I'm nervous about the the tape and the thing so I'm like ah well whatever I just forget about it cuz I suck at career I stink at it now you're writing jokes

that's what we got into this to do and now there's all there's like 18 other jobs it'd be like hey you're a fisherman now you gotta you gotta do a cartoon with a fish and it's dancing in blackface that's how I feel so we're there and then there's a video guy there shooting the emcee it was very funny great weekend here Gamble and then Seth Knowles all right Gamble and Knowles yeah good lawyers so he's sitting there and the guy's got the video he's got video in my set and I sit there go I should have a video in my set badass doing other stuff I don't know the content I can't stand it what am I doing

I'll probably just be a whatever show I just shot a special who cares then I go up the camera is set up and there's a camera sitting there dead this is the hottest crowd ever saw is that right I mean the place was fire Jerry the paint was coming off the walls the walls were shaken the earth was quaking my mind was breaking I mean and then there's this group of gals and they go we got we were supposed to get married but the marriage fell through and I had this whole riff I was killing this is gold it's all riff and I'm going this thing and this guy he should fuck this guy you should fuck that guy off to ask my wife if I can fuck

you and the crowd it was like deaf comedy jam woo I mean long Luke riff it was insane I mean I kicked the guy's drink over I was like dumb and dumber I threw pretzels and lit a fire on fire you got the ketchup and mustard and the whole time I'm going I maybe he hit record maybe he just said and this is what sucks about the content thing instead of coming off and going that was the best show of my life aha the greatest oh my god these people I'm gonna blow me what a star I guess I go did you tape that by any chance he's like no would have been a great clip though I'm still mad and you had a

great moment but you can't enjoy it cuz come staying over here didn't push the old red button and I'm like this is why there's 40 tickets this is why my father's gay the whole thing and so now what do you think about this hit me there sloppy jalopy I'm thinking about I have the audio I'm thinking about animating it I love it you get someone to animate the price cost forty eight thousand dollars gonna be a pretty penny and it's gonna take 20 haven't even gotten the Cleveland video this cartoon is gonna take a month and a half what are you gonna hit up Warner Brothers do people want to watch a cartoon though of

course cartoons are big kids love them I never liked cartoon I don't care for me maybe I'll play it on a Saturday morning I like that yeah get the kids involved with your retard stuff but I want to kill myself and everything I see is a clip of a guy going well what you say but but but I gotta post my bullshit and I just yeah it's a nightmare don't get me started on reels you gotta post reels I'm like a year on this now I'm doing reels it ever ends I don't know what a real get reels yeah and tick-tock and I'm talking to Sam he's like I make seventy five thousand dollars a minute you gotta post this on

that and this on there and I'm like oh fuck me well that's the other thing though you make a couple clams on this shit you get some shekels but you're also shelling out thirty eight hundred dollars to pay for a Tom Dick and Kweef face over here in Denver to set up a rig and a jib and a swoop all this shit with the lights and the camera and the action I think some of those words we can't even say anymore but okay it was a good time maybe I'll animate I reached out Sam's like I got an animator tell him you know my name or whatever so maybe I'll you know get it animated I don't know I like it I like

it you could also do that Ken Burns horseshit where you got like a weird moving photo of you you know like just audio maybe it's an idea it's an idea but if you had the audio I think you got something here but it's not the same it'd be great to see the whores in the back hooting and hollering the drink kicked over I mean this is all hella killer lunch footage well I made it the part about the drink but the rest is true but now it talks I'm building it up so if I put the cartoon they're going you made a cartoon on this shit I don't know it's something hey it's it's as good as little gays which I also want to see a

cartoon of that's good and then whoever did that add that art was killer yeah he works for a Morkin Mindy or whatever Morkin Mindy's back holy shit Nanu Nanu something whatever it is yeah I don't know I don't watch anything but anyways I said and the worst part is you have these things I know you do these things where you're like in life I feel like we're consumed with these room like why didn't I say hey could you record myself I do the same fucking thing it's like a social thing yeah I don't want to do that what if I bother on the whole thing yeah I mean literally there's like a 4k HD camera set up pointed at me having the

night of my life I just didn't want to go could you take me too because I feel like a piece of shit everybody hates me I want to kill myself I do this so I had the set two things I want to want to commiserate with you here oh geez oh this is bad a door slam I went right back to my childhood when my dad would get angry I just slammed the door that was a big slam this is bad I was slam dunk I mean we're yelling in here chick her and chick is a weird name the guy's name is chick chick chick works any chick people say you're all you're like a chick yes Luke chick you got great legs Luke chick chick Luke I think that's a

hockey player by the way Milan Lucic oh crazy pollock but either way two things one I was in Phoenix once and I had a guy this guy open for me Zoltan check it out he's good very good so he's a good West Coast queef and he'll he'll open for me every now and then and he has the he's got the content he's the content king and he's got the jib set up and the the gook and all the other stuff and he's he's killing and he's got his video it was right after the the riot they're the January 6th thing and he had a whole thing on that with the Elke guy and the face paint and I had the heckles set situation of my life and I was like

did you get it and he's like I didn't get it but he's like that would you'd be Eddie Murphy if that came out I'm like I forgot the other thing what was your other thing I had another thing on that yeah it's gone but it only remind me of Louie one time oh I remembered it you want to go you go because I've been hogging now I've been hogging I was all Dallas I went hogging in college and so I met my ex but let me say this you talked about the thing where you could you could have just said can you record and it would have been no yes if and or anal and I had the I went to do Rogan in Texas and I went you know you go off

the plane you go I didn't break my keys that's great I live with a lady we like each other we're getting married she can let me in and then you start thinking well what if she's not home and I get home and I went to in Iowa I'm like oh yeah no keys let me just tell her hey put my keys in the foyer or in the front room or unlock the door or whatever and I was like I don't want to bother her so then I get home after this whole connection of Iowa Texas a lot of flights I finally make it home you get out of the Uber and you go ah hey you home I'm not home I'm in Brooklyn I could have texted nine other time but I

didn't do it that's my worst nightmare I think about that all the time a big big key checker all day long doing this same same I'm worried about the keys you're a keykeeper yeah you're the king of that though you've had a lot of situations I know why didn't you just say you couldn't go I know it's a problem I don't want to bother but it would have been two seconds I know it's bad now I'm homeless but the Louis thing that he did one time he we did a set like a theater was doing new and his phone didn't record he didn't whatever so he sent out an email to everybody that had tickets it was like if anybody was legally

recording that I won't punish you we won't care we're not mad I need the recording and a guy wrote back I was like hey I was bootlegging it if you want it what he's like send it to my assistant so he got it from a guy bootlegging isn't that interesting it's kind of when your parents say don't ever do this but then one day they're like did you do that because I fucked up yeah that happens every now and then so he got us I was like was anyone illegal but I don't think anyone's just recording video of sets by the way don't do that well that also fucked him in Long Island too so yeah forget about that so

there's the good comes with the bad or whatever the hell did you say and the ugly yeah Clint Eastwood Westerns are back baby yeah I love a good Western you see old Henry I told you about old Henry ah it's pretty good well I'd watch it off your Rick I know then you wrote hey it was great yes hey folks Tuesdays with stories is very excited to welcome our new sponsor endeavor athletic I just came from equinox teaser gyms today only allow you to tug and pull on your clothes for so long before they politely ask you to leave and not come back don't let ill-fitting athletic gear get in the way of being your best on the field in the

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take a buddy I like and we wipe the floor with you we're unbeatable I don't know what cameras let's look at we can't be beaten you think you know your pal we've been doing a free form for 18 years here you can't touch us put it my ass that's a good idea yeah you donate $7,000 to our equinox fund and you know you mean you come to challenge us we beat you and then you have to take your pants off and we fuck you there you go screw the kids donate us thanks a lot we'll kill you George say cut it all right but so yeah so keep going well that was that was that was Dallas I mean I want to get into I gotta get into

Tacoma but do you want to do some stuff yeah I just did a whole long thing you went to Dallas and you were mad there was no shooting absentee Kennedy all right all right pulled that out of my ass but we were both got raped ain't a leak as I went to my number one least favorite city in America and just tucking up the tailpipe Syracuse New York you know who you are you know where you are two degrees hmm that's that's the other thing about Syracuse every time I show up they go this is wild it's never this cold I'm like I came here in July last year it was fucking two degrees what the hell

you're talking about it's never nice I think I said this last time we talked about Syracuse it blows my mind that they're able to recruit basketball players to come to say I know how did you do that that's all they have well they're they're pretty legendary that orange team or whatever I know Jim Bayhime I mean that guy run for president gay high he's getting like young urban kids be like come up here it's nice and they're like okay that's a good boy how are you doing that yeah he should we're on BLM but they have no lives up there because there's nothing to do so they don't matter but it was

wild up there I mean just tundra shit you know you guy picks you up with the fur coat on he's like get in the car we will die out here you know I'm cutting open and a polar bear I'm living in it it's so cold it's like Rocky 4 yeah the crazy Russian the Russian Ivan Draca oh yeah big time he was man that's a handsome man huh I will break you handsome well he's a perfect space like the the Aryan with the muscle with the blonde and the good face he's got a PhD by the way no kidding off Lundgren yeah PhD is pre hyperbolic diabetic I have no idea people say a PhD I don't know what the fuck they're talking about I'm really

a moron no you're a smart cat well I got wisdom but I got no knowledge you got whiz yeah on me so yeah get up there and Thursday night it's it's in a mall all they have is a mall the people there said everybody's got a puss on you know even the women look like they got a they've been hit today and they're like well it's a good day only got hit twice it's just it's just a bummer get that puss off your face yeah so all right Pete Kevin Meany you know the mall food the whole thing's a bummer and you know I get there and the first crowd I've been having some good sets you know we've been selling some tickets people are some

gays come out the Netflix things are kind of moving and then you get there and it all goes away these people go who are you we don't care we're here to eat you're lucky we're here we got free tickets and it brings you right back to those like first couple years of do I suck I'm not good at this these people hated me and you you turn into first you have that feeling of like fuck you guys and then you go in and you're like maybe it's me maybe I do so why can't I get them to laugh this is on me and then you know you just start spiraling and it's just heckle and shutting them down and then the club not doing anything and then

getting mad at the club and then you realize you like the chicken fingers more than you like me and the whole thing sucks you end up getting drunk now you're in a spiral you wake up hungover you bomb again that night so you get drunk again whatever five shows eating my ass selling shirts selling shirts in the mall on the third floor yeah then here we go last night last show I tell Raj Raj Balani funny guy he was opening he goes what do you want to do you want to you want to drive back at like 8 a.m. or you want to just suck it up and drive the four hours back on Saturday night after the second show and I said let's

do it second show drive so he goes all right so we pack our bags we get to the the mall Saturday early show slug fest it sold out you think sold out here we go but now it's just more people that don't give a fuck right you know which is actually harder and they're all the way in the back and they're not even listening you know you walk to the back of the club and you walk back up and everybody's texting everybody's tick-tocking and you're like what are you gonna do but fucking say you're like you counting the minutes it's got to do 45 it's got to do 45 and I know there's people hearing this going I was at the show it didn't

seem that bad but you don't know when you do a good show then you go there you're like this is tough right yeah it's alright sometimes that was reversed to sometimes you're like that was the best show in my life people like crowd sock but I loved you and that's true that was great yeah yeah I go both ways so first show was tough just brutal you know the guys looking up at you like this at the front row I know that guy like this works I've done this joke a billion times it's like that was my bulletproof joke and and then then I'll be like look at this fat guy and they're like I'm like I worked on that joke six months the fat

guy thing killed you what do we do in here I know they want they want Rickles they want to go through and go is this guy an eagle or a Jew yeah they don't want to drink yeah that's not bad they don't want to think they don't want to process they don't want to they don't want to like stew on anything they just want give me the straight chocolate they want the chocolate they want the man a's they don't want to they don't want the radish on the side they don't want the salad they want the straight dick in the ass man is I don't know where I got mayonnaise I could hear someone outside yelling dick in the ass dick in the

like a high heel step no I hate a heel step well I like it up my ass but I don't want it in the hallway oh god that we have to like put hoods on when we leave I got a clan of it if you need it but so for Saturday late show was tough then you got to sell shirts and and then you know you're selling shirts the guys like I was a guy yelled at you you're like oh hey he's like you know I'm you know I like it like whatever you sell the shirt you take the photo then Saturday late show I'm like here we go it's like a heist you know you're like get the car running get the bag in the car get out of my face you fuck you

let's get paid now all this shit you're planning just to get this shit out of dodge I always feel like I'm hurting their feelings I'm like would you mind give me the check on Thursday I really want to leave I know they're like well you might sell out on Saturday you wanted to have tally that it just keep it keep me the guarantee yeah I need to get out of here yeah I handed the manager my hotel heels like you take the room I'm gone so then Saturday late show comes ago here we go it's half full the other show it's all this one's full so now we've gone down to 120 people hottest show of the year all this just bullshit

all weekend and then the last show is just like Tuesdays why comedy fans people and we drove here from Omaha we drove here from Beijing and Wuhan and all this shit you gotta animate it yeah give the people what they want I know and then also the beauty of it is you ate shit for six years on all the other shows so you've built up all these like Syracuse Zings so now in the last show you're winging and wapping and wapping and you're just killing them with all these they're like where'd he come up with all this shit you're like yeah I came up with it cuz I got my ass kicked on fucking three other shows

pay home yes gay I'm so hottest show ever and then they're like we gotta get a photo and then I'm like well this is backwards because now we're high-tailing it out of here I'm running out there with a bag of money and my pants are falling down I'm running out of the mall and they're all go where you going we had the greatest experience of our lives it was like this connection this magical night and then you're leaving and so it's kind of cookie could you leave right after that great show right and how was that right you're through the night good talk good Convo great talk where we talk about you and amped up

from the show so you're feeling good and it was a good show you end on a high note you got your check so it was great it was four hours flew by and he got tired at one point so I drove that's kind of fun now I'm driving the bus pulled up man pulled up to the house at 4 a.m. and was so happy we did it wow that's fun I love a drive through the night I love comics in a car it doesn't happen as much as it used to it was great cuz you have those whole you have those big belly laughs which is you and him saying horrible shit then you get real you talk about your childhood or your girlfriend problems and then you get

you talk about therapy then you get back to the laughs it's great yeah it's always it's a weird thing I've been on both sides of this when you leave right after show because one of you just got off stage and you're on stage for 50 minutes your friend the other person's been sitting around for an hour true so it's hard cuz you're like like when you're the one opening you're like alright get through the show come on let's get it we're talking but when you just head on you're like and then that lady that crazy that was crazy see that bit you hear that bit and they're like I'm done with that I've already moved on yeah

they're like that my my weekend's over yeah it's always tricky yeah yeah well whatever we had a great night and driving through New York at night is nice cuz it's no one on the road oh yeah pretty and it's easy and quick got to that Lincoln tunnel zip-zap zoom back home in bed at 418 love those twinkly lights here here big city big city bright lights so what do you got well I got a whole bunch of stuff do we get that sign yet Shelby where are we at here I feel like we've been what's I miss the sea I miss the half cock I didn't see a half clock I've never heard that did you invent that okay I've never heard of that

in my life show because hey the half the show I'm gonna give you one of these I was like what is that a big see you call me a cunt vitamin C what do we do it here but apparently it's half of a clock the big C is what they call cancer what a clip the big C oh I got a big C in my house oh yeah you'll see I see I forgot about I see yeah it was fun that's what I say to my wife I see ah take some math well I got a bunch of stuff I don't know where to start here I mean I got started my sack and get to my anal let me throw you out some category I'll be one of those comedians when they give the categories I find that very pretentious

a little bit what do you want dirty you want family what do the jokes you know the best joke who's that guy we love he wrote for Harvard he's got the great joke with the Sears Cadillac Dan mints oh he's great damn inside a great one making fun of those people he goes I got time for one joke left one joke what do you guys want to hear you want to hear a joke about boo or a joke about get off the stage that's I've never heard that one very funny guy that reminds me of David tell on the sidewalk he's getting mob by all these people in photos and it's Jota Rosa and big Jane goes have you met stance here and does nothing come on

who thinks of that all right here are my categories it's category me monster jam I don't know what that is crazy lady wow equinox oh crazy lady jumps out at me because it's now we got a situation here monster jam I assume that's a song from the 40s that's monster mash sorry and then equinox I want to hear bugs I know you signed up all right well give me the whole kid so where are we at with time are we have see three-quarters see oh we're about to get a picture of a clock yeah that's left are you kidding me flew by that flew 18 okay okay almost twice as much as 10 yes that's true

it's you know less than half all right well let me just let me just get right through it here so the legal age all right crazy lady in the train this is a quickie fun train lady the train is all wacky wackadoo I'm sure you're hearing about on the news yes and it's well first of all an Asian lady got pushed on the tracks yes I apologize for that again but then secondly it's winter so the the cuckoos are going down to the choo choo yes the weather of the winters on its way a alright so there's a crazy lady I get on the f-train which is a particularly kooky train I agree why is that I think as it goes from the Bronx

into Brooklyn all about where it's headed right like the end train is the nicest because it goes to Astoria oh interesting my buddy when canter when he had a girlfriend who was like young and she was drinking and loud I might have told this story before she was like loud on the train she was like whoa and a guy goes you gotta quiet down this train's going up the Bronx mmm it was like kind of like he was gonna take it easy this is not you know I mean this is a serious train this is in playtime yeah people are not fucking around with like 20 year old like I moved to the city right you gotta shut the fuck up people live in

the give me a person grab your ankles yeah in hell so I'm on the f-train and that is a quick fun diddy I said I see this lady on the platform and she's got the the supermass you know that mass with the two things on the side yo yes the tits on the side it's like the World War three mask right she's got that like Darth Vader shit and then she has the plastic shield Jesus so she's doubled up on kook this lady hates a load in the face oh yeah so we're opposite so she's got a bunch of bags she's like a whole bag lady yeah double masked supermass she's a mascot get on the the train and she comes running it

like a cartoon character because she wants the whole she was like Kramer she wants the whole bench to herself and she runs in her bag spills everywhere but she does this she's got like both the thing a lot already and then she like touches the foot of a black woman which is just I mean as soon as I saw I saw the contact and I just I put on my 3d glasses leaned in because I was like well this is gonna be fun we got content this could be something and this lady was like you motherfucking bitch you touched my foot I should beat the shit out of you whoa the lady was like oh and like scooping up her shit and then the black

guy goes we all paid the same price that's not your seat you don't get all the seats she ever on he paid the same price I should beat the shit out of you and I was like yeah yeah she was like a character right you know I couldn't think of a character man in the iron mask yeah who knows Bigelow whoever GI Jojo but that was fun her shit spilled everywhere and then every time someone come on she would do this she'd like do this thing like I get the whole thing yeah yeah cuz you wanted to be not near anybody I don't know maybe she's got some I'm with the angry black lady I mean this oh yeah at the bench what cuz

you're scared of COVID we're all dealing with this shit I know you're a fucking dipshit anyways Karen that was crazy lady let me talk a little bit about Seattle I went out to Seattle my buddy Derek you know Derek he moved to Gig Harbor tea man gig harbor I'd we should do a show there it sounds like it's 10 minutes from the Tacoma comedy club I never heard a gig yeah it's right next to Tacoma okay so I don't want to get too into that but it was beautiful and great I went and hung out with little Joe oh he's cute I might call Luke oh I like that Luke and Big Luke that's not bad all right that was sweet that

was a squeaker put in the books that was fun I go out to gig harbor I got the one night I just want to see the old fam hang out throw the kids around see the new house that was fun and Luke I took my niece out for like a day date it was really fun because the parents are at work so it's fun to be that guy oh yeah yeah yes I scoop her up by the way his wife Erica my friend she works at a beauty salon and it's all these like hot beauty salon women oh yeah and the kid is just his daughters just at the you know take your daughter to work day thing sure and so I show up off the plane I'm picking her up to take her out

for a few hours while her mother works which is very excited I'm cool you're the fun uncle I'm fun call it call me fun call now there you go but I show up but I flew so I'm wearing sweatpants that are three feet too short because of the washing machine I haven't showered so I got like matted head yeah sleeping on the plane I just look like a hobo I haven't showered and that's a big old hall big hall five hours five and a half so I get dropped off and a lift I come in with a suitcase and a bag and you know homeless people have overrun this is in West Seattle West Seattle is just overrun with homeless people so I come

in with a bag I got a paper bag a plastic bag I got a mask on my hair's matted I look like a hobo sure and then his kid just opens the door goes hey funkel Joe it's funkel Joe time I grab her hand and just whisk her off and these crazy beauty bitches are like who the fuck someone just took you kid she was like in the back I just took her kid left and they were like what the fuck should we call 911 it was a whole situation holy hell yeah so it was that was fun and then you come back and you feel like a hero because you're like this guy that's got the kid and she's happy she's holding a popsicle stick

sure ever as you know and they're like oh what a nice boy yes yeah and these parents they they get admitted from their kids and they're you're a saint you're a hero I was saying so it was fun that was a great time but then Saturday we're going to monster gym you know about monster is that the other the trucks the big trucks the monster trucks their truck which used to be a concert back in Massachusetts at 94.5 monster jam hip-hop thing right right yeah yeah I've heard that on the radio monster jam this weekend all the great bands yeah exactly so we go into Tacoma dome oh which is a real shithole have you been

inside no but it's legendary it is a piece of shit building really dank and dark and so I'm posting photos I'm in gig harbor Shane Gillis messages me goes hey I'm in Tacoma there we go he's 10 minutes away and I go well guess what this is right up your asshole we're going to monster gym right you're a red neck weirdo yeah so I go hey get a ticket and I go I'll tell you what I'll get you a ticket and you could sit to my left the family will be to my right you don't have to meet anybody you're a good egg that's a sweet thought because I've been there where you're like I'd like to meet but I'm like a niece a nephew a

friend a wife oh dude just the wife alone I'm out exactly so we did it and he came in he shuffled past all now I didn't even introduce him he came on this side well he'd be blends right in over there he's got a hoodie on he's got jowls and he's already holding a beer oh somebody gave him a beer somebody was like hey Shane yeah I want to buy you a Bud Light whatever that's great so that was fun so I could lean in make my kid comments boy this is pretty something sunny boy and I'd be like this guy's a piece of shit you don't have the Shane and the kids I love it yin and yang so that was fun and I think trouble for

saying which by the way monster trucks pretty fun for about 20 minutes I don't get it and then you're like yeah yeah you know it was big before Internet I went in the 80s when I was like five I was like wow then now I can see a guy getting fisted it's fine I was fine but like there's only so it's very limited yes the big jump and then you can go on your front tires which is impressive and they do a donut okay other than that you're like all right got it I got it yeah but the fun thing is you go on a website and you rate the score hmm so that was really fun because they're doing all the tricks and Shane I'd be like

1.5 oh there you go that's something and my nephew he's adorable he puts it to 10 every time oh literally the truck comes and stalls out they come and tow him off and he's like 10 okay he's a cute kid he's positive yeah he's very positive HIV so sure that was cute Shane and I had a good time and of course this is the classic thing Shane's like come do guest spots let's hang because he's on the road by himself he didn't bring anybody he's alone and I'm 10 minutes away so he's like please come do spots it'll be great and then I post a photo of us everyone's going oh we'll see you tonight interesting and it's 10 minutes away but

this is why you got to live in the city because we go in the backyard we got a little campfire going big old bonfire I got a box of cigars forget it Derek's got a cigar I got a cigar with more lined up we got a pizza coming oh tell stories I'm in my pajamas Shane's like hey still make the 8 o'clock show I'm like I'll be there for the 10 yes then 940 runs around he's like come on dude please have clock and I got my I got my shoes up with a fire babe I'm bathed in the firelight with a fat cigar which is a big brown dick yes and the kid I'm killing with the kids Derek's killing me his wife is there we're having a great

time like I can't do comedy this is why I can't buy a house that's a good point yeah yeah we'll never see you again you buy out you be chopping firewood and fucking beavers I but I long for it I know and it's nice but here's the clinker people go dude I got a sold out show we love doing comedy we'll hang out and you're like yes but it's the other things it's the other shit I gotta get in a car I gotta drive there park show up there's gonna be a weird manager you go who are you hey I'm here okay now you gotta go sit with Shane do the set get that's what it is if you can teleport to the center of the stage and go joke

joke joke laugh laugh thank you and then teleport out it'd be be money this is why I want to swallow your jizz first thing the morning you get me I said the same thing with the I said if I could teleport that's what I said I said teleport because it is and to come teleport I said teleport telling you port it's it's because I'm a storm and all these cities these titties they all are just overrun with homeless and I'm like I don't want to look for parking and I'm gonna have to deal with three homeless assholes no offense I feel bad blah blah blah they chased you I know I'm gonna get chased in there and then you

know I don't want to deal with it if I could teleport I wish there could be two of me I know I'm like that's so fun and I want to be that guy I know what it's like to be alone on the road and you see like a friend is down the street you're like please come here for God's sake I get it and the career he sells out every show hey here's my best set and they go boy I never even knew Joe List did comedy I thought he just posted photos of mountains right you know this is a sunset queef over here but it helps I can't leave I got a cigar and a fire and the stars around there's no way I'm like I'm sorry that's like this but I would

have heard if I went to the club too but you know I just I couldn't leave so I'm sorry Shane I appreciate the end he gets it he know I mean Shane's a killer he's hilarious and he he's one of us he's an anti-social weirdo he's a thoughtful guy so he knows what's going down great guy I was like I'm sorry I posted a photo like I post I sent him a photo of like my knees smiling with a fire I'm like I'm sorry bro yeah yeah he gets it but again it's the extra shit and that's what other people don't understand like I got people going you want to do my podcast I'm like ah you know like I thought you love doing podcasts I'm like

I do but you live in Park Slope that's gonna be an hour there hour back now it's a four-hour experience because you want to be on your dumb podcast yeah it's hard it's all balance but it's all pipes and I say the guest spot is the ultimate because people go you can't give me five minutes I'm like well it's not five minutes it's you got to hang out in the green room I got a chit chat you got to tell me about how your back hurts then you go bomb then you come back off now you're trying to hang out and do the second show it's it's not the five minutes it's everything else it's a lot of stuff I said that the teleport just

and I'm there I'm like ah nice feeling I hadn't shower I'm like I forget it I want to shower drive borrow friends car whatever yeah but anyways it was great I long to be in the woods I love gig I swear to God I just moved to Washington I want to be with family like that when you have that family feeling you're like yes I love you it's beautiful kids but again is it special because you don't do it every day right if you did it every day you go get the fuck where's that text I got to go do a set I know it's hard it's a hard to balance it's a balance but I'll wrap it up here I got this one last thing I want to tell you

about because I really want to make a push for you hold on we got crazy lady we got Seattle was the other one equinox ah it's all coming around baby I'll tell you what I am part of a new society I'm going with Luke yeah you're Luke if you got an equinox card Joe is dead I got fancy blue pants that are too short white ankles I belong to equinox have you been in an equinox I have my god Shangri-La in there everybody's hot it's it's a subtle music is playing it's a good temperature the in the steam room my god the steam it smells like pussy in there I love it you can't believe the bodies on these I've taken photos I've

jerked it I've looked in the glass I've fogged it up I mean you go to a gym and there's this fat fucks and you're stupid and there's like old ladies and get out of here I mean everyone's pitch perfect hot body it's new it's smell it's just beautiful I went I was like let me just sniff it out you know me I'm like let me just get some feels and right away I'm like give me the premium I'm a new man like here's a mile away $12,000 but you got a joint it's right next door we're touching walls I stay right before this I know it's beautiful in there and then they brought some Asian guy in there long gook co or long long sorry long Luke

Joey we came in there and he he got the whole aesthetic down I mean that the feng shui in there the come shui whatever it is it is perfect you can't believe my old gym has no towel zero towels they blame COVID they're like well COVID so we don't have to I'm like sure that doesn't make sense I don't do it COVID and then there's there's no there's a smoothie bar there there's like a hot woman you get our own locker there's towels everywhere you're slipping on towels and then they have these what do you call it what's that shit eucalyptus exactly yeah there's eucalyptus towels everywhere you put

up the nose shove them in your face stick them in your ass I mean yes believe it they got creams Jerry cream cream on me cream of some young guy it's amazing this cute tips and creams I can't even believe it it's unbelievable it's not believable it ain't believable yeah my lady was a part of it and she was like come by come I get a smoothie I'd be in there like shit I feel like a troll under a bridge I'm like I got a bowl on my face with hair coming out of it I don't belong I'm a rec center guy well that's the thing I don't know how to work out I got a private thing they give you a free private session the guy shows you how to

do things because I'm in there it's like the Regan joke I'm in the scaffolding I don't know what I'm doing well don't you help me with the outfit also you look like my grandma at the the Jazzercise this is a sponsor that's right whatever we love you I go in there I literally take like two five pound weight I do this and the guy gives me a look so I just toss it to him I walk in they all turn their head and I'm like I'm sorry I leave and I'm so afraid they're gonna be like I heard you say that you know the F word they don't listen to this they pass right by our pod they're listening to fucking you know activist alley or

whatever the hell but it's so exciting in there I mean you gotta join come on it's right next door well what's the pre what do we pay a ninth now it's it's it's it's it's hefty yeah that's how you text me two days ago freaking out we gotta make some money I got my broke here I spent my my nut on towels he got eucalyptus in your ass well on the same day I signed up for health insurance and equinox so I doubled my monthly nut but I got Joe and Ron I have a patreon it's doing okay it covers I always do that I'm like all right that's a couple hundred bucks that covers the equinox right so I don't know but it's pretty excited it's

about three and a quarter a month okay that's not bad I'm a little hefty for a gym I'm paying more than that and fucking beamer parking yeah well I mean yeah my parking cost the same thing sure it's very expensive city but it's usually 500 bucks to join that knocked it into a hundred and you get it back if you if you go in eight times in the first 30 days so yeah it's not bad it's like movie pass you got to use it yeah exactly and I feel like I got a private trainer I'm gonna talk to him about something but I'm nervous actually they ask you very personal questions yeah well you know hey you want to know I'll

tell you I'm an open pamphlet but I don't know hopefully what you look like you dress for Tybo in 1999 it's like how many grams of fruit to eat a day I'm like get out of here wow yeah so we'll see how that goes that'll be a story I'm only doing it for the podcast there you go we'll tell about the coming on your back see where he stands on that that'll get him off your ass I think they have that as a service at equinox oh man yeah you're in equinox jizz or what do you call it uh you could lip you could jizz cuz they'll urine on you too but yeah hell of a thing I'm a new man and you get I mean I don't think people are gonna

even recognize me I'm all fresh you're very fresh you're glowing over here you got a glimmer I got a haircut and a glow I mean I feel like a nude man so I'm excited about that I don't know what we got to be at two hours at this point I never saw the half clock or the full clock yeah Shelby's cock yes what do you think Shelby decent cock all right well with those lips you must have a if you got one of those lips downtown you're you're you're set for life but all right there we go we got to do some ads don't forget and plugs to love endeavor plugs where you gonna be at there fat man well I'll go while you get the book out these

are sweatpants that shrink oh look at that yeah there I don't know what brand this is CSG I think it's like yes well if you get a they shrink again throw my way because I'll fit my tiny legs but hey China Mark Norman comedy com for dates I'm all over the place La Jolla we added a show Kansas City coming in there with Jeff Asmus that'll be fun he's open yeah hope I said that right awesome as awesome as Jeff of the G I'm awful and all over the play Raleigh at the Carolina Theatre shit in my mouth where else am I gonna be oh Indian apolis helium with a umar that'll be fun Columbus a funny bone with Chris L all

kinds Cincinnati Liberty funny bone a lot of fun dates a lot of Midwest a lot of the West Coast so come on oh moon tower got to do the Paramount Theatre good times good stuff let's cook DC I'm coming to so I say hello queef it up Mark Norman out to lunch check out the Netflix and I hate myself and you tell them where they're fatty all right Atlantic City Atlantic City comedy club one night that's gonna be rough there's no gaze so please come out to that one please that's February 19th then Key West make the trip down take the drive February 24 through 26 Tom Dustin's Club come on out to that then I'll be at

hyenas and Fort Worth's if you missed Dallas that's March 4th and 5th side splitters in Tampa March 24 25 26 that's always a big one one of my favorites come out to that for sure Laugh Boston April 14 15 16 Buffalo helium with Matt Wayne that's April 21 22 23 nice and then don't forget Houston February 15th that's just in a couple weeks that's a secret group February 15 come out to that that's gonna be fun and please for the love of tit I gotta I gotta cut of the special already oh my lord I think I haven't watched it yet I can't bring myself to look at it I'm so nervous and I can't release it till I write some

jokes I got about 12 yeah I hear that so that'll be out subscribed my YouTube go to the YouTube Joe and Ron on talk movies is on there it's a very funny podcast I think you'll enjoy it we make a lot of jokes he's quite a reverent that guy he says some crazy shit yeah fun guy funny guy so go check that out it's on my YouTube please subscribe and I don't know that's it and join the picture we haven't even mentioned the picture we're really good doing it now we're actually really doing it now in the studio with the video we played some game of heads up oh that's gonna be a big hit that was insane so yeah we got

the behind the scenes of the Netflix shoot is on there we got a bunch of hot case sets we're putting up something at least once a week at least plus extra shit bonus stuff a lot of bullshit so all plus all the backlog by the way big backlog so put a log up my ass and yeah so we'll see in hell thanks gang praise Allah