Tuesdays with Stories! - #437 Bad Thread Read

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

Heyooo, we're back baby as Mark gets charmed by a handsome real estate agent, Joe sees a guy blow up at some gals at a show, and the guys reminisce about their first gig together in Sacramento. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Lucy (Support the show and get 20% Off with the code TUESDAYS at Lucy.co), Blue Chew (Support the show and receive your first month FREE at BlueChew.com, with promo code TUESDAYS), & Sheath (Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at SheathUnderwear.com) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to out YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy Oh Larry bird this is Kevin McHale where the Boston Celtics and what's good to see you hey good to be back what is a Celtic I think it's supposed to be Celtics we've been saying it right that's right yeah oh well you

guys are Irish you think you'd get it right over there yeah it should be the Boston Celtics by the way my first joke ever I told you before I'm sure let's hear it well I went to the Celtics game a lot of empty seats for a team called the Celtics hey and that was that was a hot one for like a good six months hey that's a joke folks I had a similar kind of a wordy hey ladies there's no there's no lesbian bars what about clits it'd be great because men couldn't find it it's not bad I was good boom I get the groamp you know people grow when it's very jokey but I'm like you couldn't come up with it you come guzzled Nazi I

feel the same way on Twitter they're like they're like but um boom or want one I'm like you've never said anything funny ever but um pump you stole that yeah the want was hack also even your insults are hack how do you like that yeah you stink Larry bird about this this is all my big ones this is like my conceptual bit I was like I was carlin on this this I was like they're waiting to get a load of me yeah I said hey that's saying you don't know what you got till it's gone you know what you got when you got it that's how you know you got it cuz you just got it that's very carl and say hey honey do we have a blender throw it

out and I'll tell you but you got a picture I was 17 I had a fedora not a fedora the derby I had a derby and pimples propeller on it why are you glasses I have glasses then all right well you lost me on the like the second one but I hear I like where your head's at I was a teenager sure it's cute it's got a good rhythm I was something and I did I mean I told you the other carlin one this is like before stand-up I hope for my friend's band Weldon Hill great band Weldon Hill yeah they were good nice really good and so I open for them and I said I did a poem I did fuck as a word often heard often slurred I just did

the full carlin I was a teenager it was 23 years ago for God's sakes all right now I had some rough stuff as well I said a whole joke about the DMV well how come there's no one ever no one attractive at the DMV that's why when they give you your license you go out to ugly picture no that's what you look like it was my big Seinfeld ending and a boy one kid I it would do well then one kid was like everybody's got a ugly people the DMV bit it crushed me because he was right I didn't know well what can you do with the toothpaste by the way with toothpaste the wife toothpaste thing what was that now well I don't know if

I could say she listens doesn't she huh remember you told me a thing and I was like that's a bit that's good give me the hum a few bars wow she wouldn't buy toothpaste so you hid your toothpaste don't you remember yeah yeah I do that every day that's the whole thing that's a bit that's all that's gold Jerry it's a boy's the turn what turn my wife I hate my wife she's a piece of shit she won't buy toothpaste so I'm hiding the toothpaste and she's got three cavities last year oh that's cavities now we got a you know my wife by the meanwhile she's spending eight grand of the dentist I got you spent two bucks on the toothpaste

you wouldn't have to go to the dentist there you go teeth they've never been whiter and she's getting a root canal something like that okay now we're writing I think that's I think about it all the time that's really okay maybe I'll work on that we still got a bounce bits one day that's funny oh yeah we keep forgetting about spits about some bits with every Tom Dick and Harry and and Tom Dick and Harry's stink they got nothing over my way I got you know what I have right now I got no road dates they keep first of all they keep canceling Canada oh my god oh Canada and everyone keeps giving me shit they go

what are you canceling I went to Ecuador I went to South America before the vaccine came out yeah I'm happy to go to Canada they keep canceling so fuck Canada I'm sorry I won't be in Toronto but Canada culture so I had Vancouver cancel I had Toronto cancel then I took some time then I had to cancel one gig cuz I had COVID and then I took a couple I'm trying to go every other week cuz I don't want to be all crazy so I haven't been doing the road so what I have right now I got I'm developing a new act yes I got 15 minutes because I'm doing 15 at the seller at the stand at the New York if you do a

half hour every night you have a half hour like that you got that right you have whatever you do the goldfish theory ah you know that one yeah they grow to the side it's not even a theory right it's like a real thing I don't know I threw a goldfish in a big tub and it didn't get any bigger so maybe it's not there's something there you throw a goldfish in my mother I've gone my mother a big tub ah big tub I wasn't bad all right Harriet Big Tubman yes the Underground Railroad but my point was I think I don't I think it's a myth because what about what about a New Yorkers there's a lot of tall New Yorkers

you'd think growing up in these tiny boxes they'd all be little well that's where it becomes metaphorical when you switch it to the humans oh it's literally goldfish goldfish literal humans figurative got it I believe mm-hmm the goldfish are literal if you throw them in the ocean they become I assume immediately yeah they go to hell but torture right it's like throwing a Jew in the projects they're gone but oh they're crunching the numbers and that's a good name for a Jew Jimmy Goldfish gold it's right in there Jews did not fuck around is also Jew that's right yeah they got their names are like green money

yeah gold banker bird you could put money in an iceberg sure sure iceberg lettuce birds not great iceberg slim be a great Jewish rapper mm-hmm all right but either way so yeah the goldfish thing I don't believe because if you put a goldfish in a pond it stays the same size I think it gets bigger doesn't it I don't think it does no a goldfish in a bowl stay small but if it got in a pond it would get bigger I'm pretty sure yeah well we should do a little field trip a Tuesday's field trip I love that goldfish that was like a big thing no I'm not against it but I've never done it our hockey isn't it crazy how I hate to

be like old man asshole but isn't it crazy how much times of jay in my lifetime in high school the hockey team was haze they had to eat a goldfish that was part of it good old days I mean can you imagine right now if you were a coach of a hockey team and you said hey you got a goldfish up your ass if you want to play centermen that goldfish was non-binary it'd be a transphobe and a fish phobe it would be ruined I mean you'd be you'd be fired immediately but and by the way some of the the wokeness progression I'm for I am against hockey coaches making their kids eat goldfish no I'm for it if my kids on the

hockey team I'm gonna make a meet a goldfish all right well that's fair but it is bones I think it's unhealthy it's torture it's you know it's a little gay too frankly yeah the oaky cookie well oaky cookie I would play with any high school kid right sure yeah yellow school bus pulls up by the way I'd be out as soon as they walked in and took their shirts off forget it I'd be all over the cookie oh yeah yeah you would drown that cookie that's a lot of frosting oh I know I would win you win if you're first the last one to come eats the cookie is that right yeah that's okay cookie everyone jerks off on a cookie last one

to come is gonna eat it oh that's right which would be hard for me in my younger days because I was on paxil for anxiety and depression I couldn't come oh yeah a whole fist in my ass I wouldn't come fill paxil all right good yeah what did he die he died a while ago yeah a few years ago that's a shame sweet guy good egg well that's the end of the show folks what we're talking about though we started with something we had Toronto goldfish oh Canada so I got 15 minutes talking about the new I got 15 minutes but it's good it's hot but I need I need to flex my leg a stretch my leg yeah I'm in the limbo period the product what

is that called pro what's that when you're you're not no purgatory yes I'm in purg and iceberg and I got all these bits that are like b-minus kind of getting chuckles but I can't clink them I can't get that ending in there so I'm in a shit spot b-minus is nice by the way though I'll take a b-minus tit but I'm saying with the bits it's like it's just it's a lull you know you got your a kill and kill and then the b-minus cooks in then you can be back it up with an a but it's like a good 10 15 of b-minus here's what I think about special we think about this I was reading about the director Howard Hawks hmm he had a

theory about movies you need three great scenes and no bad scenes oh I think a specials like that interesting you need three great bits and no bad bits but similar so the rest are okay they're good they're good they're not good you got you watching you're like this is good then you have a scene or a bit yeah where you're like whoa wow like think about bring the pain I think there's more than three don't you think well what are the great one black people versus n words big the OJ is big yeah yeah toss salad man toss salad solid very good okay so there you go I look at it I like that I I would in an hour I think three

is maybe five maybe but three great bits sure sure and then all good I think of it as a trail mix hmm I hate trail mix do you yeah I'll care for trail mix I like M&M's well here's the thing the trans now but I like trail mix too but I like trail trail mix all of it I like all of it so like to me a special should be like trail mix where I like a cashew I like a raisin whoa holy shit raisin so that's one that's what I said you pepper a couple M&M's in there so you get three M&M I'm saying three of them is just saying five M&M's I'm saying five M's okay so let's look at so my bits are shorter maybe well let's look at

so was your dick but let's look at um and thinner Eddie Murphy delirious yeah three great bits all good baby I mean what are the great I feel like he's got a guy's got the whole Italian guys dicks he's got the gaze and looking at my asshole he's got the ice cream ice cream and that's a great bit that's a great bit I mean that to me the big music Stevie Wonder Luther Vanderoff is great James Brown oh yeah Richard Pryor but that's the great one Cosby yeah these great bits yeah yeah you got something here maybe you're right oh it's Howard Hawks but I'm just applying it to the specials I'm not saying these are these

are hard and fast rules here like a hard it's an interesting theory yeah all right I like it I love it theory I love discussing throw it right in my ass I'm not anything I'm not saying that's the best special but that does make for a great special if you have an hour special with three great bits yeah and the rest are all good bits that's a good special I'm here because there's no bad bits it is interesting how you can't predict what's gonna catch you know Houston we have a problem that's really not that great of a sentence but it just grabbed ahold of the cock of America and jerked it well it's a big moment but

also with that they do make it the big moment like if there wasn't a trailer if that they didn't say it and go that was in the trailer and this is the moment would it be considered as great right although it is the turning point they have that quick all right how about this one run forest every black Negro in my neighborhood was yelling that at me when I took off outside the bodega well you know I ran cross-country track winter track so it was it was constant that was everybody and it was the earliest feeling of like you hack you I know God just call me a fag or something something I could use yeah I agree with give me

something but how about this one this was big in college I think we need more ice I think we need more cowbell all right we got the cowbell thing you saw you like walking you like feral we got it what about this and people still do that why I see a comic do this and I might offend somebody bring it on just my apology and no apology gut milk got just people are still referencing gut milk I swear to God I saw a good gut poo did I'm like what whatever it was I can't remember but gut milk was everywhere yeah I'm on I'm on almond and oak at this point yeah I just got milk no I got suicidal when you

said that yeah I got AIDS holy hell got milk yeah that was everywhere but that it's on the flip side to be that what do you call that copywriter marketer oh I see to be that guy or gal and be like I'm the guy I mean change the world everyone said it it changed marketing it changed billboards that was you by the way speaking of great bits that was like one of my earliest favorite Gullman bits because I saw six ads for milk today why is there one ad for milk that's a great bit who are they targeting people unaware of milk yes he goes they is eating a cereal dry is like I wish there was some kind of liquid I could pour into this

yes it's very dry I tried Dr. Pepper but it's a bit too effervescent yes how many people have that word in their act yes just Goldman boy he's good that's a great bit classic I got I got you ever have this kind of like the dry sock after a wet sock mm-hmm you know when you get wet nose into dry nose and it dries I got a bunch of dry snugs going and it's crusty it's yeah I got a crusty rim right now an old cavern in there with some stalactites but I love I love getting that out there and then just throwing it all over people's apartments oh my bad we vacuum I mean it sounds like a guy

falling down a mountain side right it's like it sounds like a German guy jizzing I mean it's just crunch city because I do all night like it is subconsciously my dream I'm just picking and dropping oh dude okay I'm a nail biter I mean so behind my couch is just a graveyard of anal I mean it's just twigs and tweaks of nail well sometimes I wake up I wake up before Sarah by a couple days and she'll like start to open her eyes and I look at the pillow it's like a movie I have to dive and do a swipe because it's just what is it it's just braille it's just dry bugs and they've just been sitting there and I'm

like don't open your eyes because I'll be divorced I mean it's it's booger central pillow I feel the same way about the Dan Druff oh it's no joke I'll leave my on the on the couch arm which is a brown leather couch and I'm doing you know a few of these every now and then that little head scratcher I'm thinking about philosophy and trans and then I get up but it's just a snow globe on the arm and I see the lady coming by I gotta go like the big bad wolf over there on that arm yeah you gotta snort it I mean it's bad news bears and it's just disgusting and I don't know and every once in a while I'll catch her in a pic

and I'm like oh my god I gotta eat this woman's pussy at some point on her birthday if maybe sure yeah send me the tape but my gal I caught her picking at the old labia the other night and I really nailed her to the wall oh come on I mean it was nothing you know it's like an underwear movement or a grape tube she pulled but I was on it I was like whoop I caught it that she was like no don't tell anybody especially no microphone uh toothpaste yes good bit needs a turn it's good it's got a turn cavities turn turn turn turn around oh this is fun this is a good time we're really here

we're having a podcast oh yeah you're gonna give us the half-clock horse shit oh yeah yeah all right we forgot about the half-clock shall be invented the half-clock and they never gave it to us that's right yeah but I like the half clock all right now to see you you said something or it felt like a curb up hmm maybe it was before that the mics heated up because they don't heat by the way but we get it by the way there's so many we've seen more people than we've ever seen I was in the elevator with a guy with a cane oh he's in the he's in the building a cane wow man I was gonna cane no man's good yeah interesting

lifestyle and then when I got here I couldn't believe you guys here got here before me because I went and got some burritos for the gang thank you by Chuck sorry he's he's on a diet you know what it is I didn't want to have to order three I thought of you I did think of you that's all right I was like three burritos would Chuck eats like a Filipino beach boy you know like berries and nuts and shrimp yeah I got a little bag of grapes I take around get bananas in the car yeah I like that yeah real fruit eater but I came down the hallway and there was a old gentleman standing here talking to you guys it was frightening I was left I

thought he was kicking us out I thought he was the repo man and these offices by the way we have like a closet the other office is a huge here's like leather desks and wood chairs yeah there's a bust of Jefferson and then he looked in here and it's just lights and cameras and I go we're shooting a porn he went there was a bust I saw a bust we should get some busts we're gonna get busted yeah maybe we got a bust to Shelby right here just to keep us in line yeah that's not bad all right so I got a bit of a canine oh I gotta throw right on your back and see if it's warm oh I can't wait come on my back now this is a

I got a lot done unpack here as they say oh god I say unfold I'm going unfold unfolds good okay but the thing is unfold I think it's easier just pick it up and then it unfolds unfold yeah good point but unpack you just dump out yeah all right all right I'm dumping all right so we're looking for apartments as you know we're going all over Brooklyn all over town you know got my realtor guy I've had this guy and he's one of these guys he's sweet as a pie he's nice as hell but you're like what are you getting out of this are you just hoping because he's we've been a year at this this apartment hunt I think it gets the big chuck

doesn't the big check at the end I think so right is that worth it I mean this is a year well basically when I just got my apartment in Staten Island I had to pay one full month of rent to the person who helped me find the apartment yeah one full month so I got I had to pay first month security and then one month to the finder whoa but we are gonna buy it so I don't know how that's gonna work you don't give them a month of mortgage a lot of clams they probably have a percentage of the closing or something it's probably true but I mean after a year I feel like I'd be like these people are wishy-washy they're lesbians

fuck them but he's hanging in but he's probably gotten a few other people right he might have a couple other a bunch of people okay okay that all the places he's showing to you he's showing to like ten other couples so he hopes that all of them eventually buy one right yeah damn I'm getting two times here yeah I think it's like a manager I think it's like 10% okay realtor realtor's making cash all right well he's well dressed he's coiffed yeah I mean it's not like McDonald's or sure sure all right so here's the clinker this guy's all over get actually getting friendly because you spend hours with this guy all day long you end up

getting a couple of other next house isn't ready let's go get a cup of turtle soup you're like all right fuck it now his hands on my knee never want to be friendly yeah so but whatever I invited the wedding I panicked so he's coming to the wedding he's he's officiating what's the numbers for the wedding by the way 200 300 100 about 180 gonna get lower down even Chuck's coming I'm coming I'm coming I'm gonna be like hey Chuck why are you here you might as well pick up a camera yeah how many people work for you that are gonna be here I know Sally Q's is going my

other guys going my god you guys gonna be bumping lenses oh geez whiz geez whiz so we doing a part of that thing or what we should live yeah the ladies like I gotta rhythm you don't understand we watched a lot of the TV show that's a lot of rapport oh I'm stressed all right so I'm drinking and cracking so tippy toe tippy toe so we're what we're hanging out with this guy the realtor I'm not gonna say his name but I saw on Street easy that's the hot website with all the sites I know about Street easy so I saw Zillow right yes but great name for a prostitute site Zillow Street easy but so I saw another

apartment I sent it to my guy and he was like oh this place looks great this could be a winner here we go and that's the things it's a lot of hope everything this might be the one right and it's like Tinder except you get to go inside on the first try but either way we see a guy we see an apartment or I do and I sent him he's like I'm busy this week I'm in Montauk or whatever I'm home at Epstein's Island I go all right so I messaged the guy who's showing it and he goes oh I can show you this tomorrow I was like oh is that an ethical I got my guy now I'm going to see it with this guy but he my guy can't make it well I'm

gonna miss out on the great apartment but it's the other guy a realtor also or he's the song's the place oh you're going to a different realtor so he's two time you're two time exactly so I go here here's my lady's number I can't go I got 18 pods whatever trucks in the hospital so he's so he's texting her now and now it's getting weird because I'm like who is this guy and well me and my lady went out to dinner we're having a couple cocktails we're eating shrimpy we're eating we're eating pussy and and she's like oh there's that guy again and then she's like giggling I'm like whoa whoa whoa what's going on here well you

guys are like getting canoodly here and she's like oh he's just a funny guy I'm like funny guy that's the kiss of the vein yeah that's all I got I got no dick I got no no job so I'm like okay and then I you know I let it go I'm like ah you're being crazy and then throughout the meal I'm it's 10 o'clock at night here we we got to wear this nice restaurant and I was like all right fuck this I'm going tomorrow I cancel everything I'm doing I'm pissed I'm doing like you know Rogan I'm doing Marin I'm doing good morning I'm there I cancel all of it to go meet this guy that guy's a queef though he's probably a little

guy with glasses and a shaved head you know the bald but he's charming as shit I read through the thread he's like cool as hell he's you read the thread I read a little thread she went to take a shit at one point I got in there she was picking a vagina never read the thread yeah bad thread read so I'm pissed so I and the guy goes all right I give my number okay you're dealing with me now chachi all right talking about like old labia there so now he's a hit me up and you know now he's swooning me and I'm full I want to blow him interesting he's good no she jealous of you no she was never into him because it'd be funny if

she's like what are you giggling yeah that's true so now I'm driving the bus and the guy's like well you want to meet up and I was like yeah but I'm only available at like 6 p.m. and then I got to go out and do a show after he's like all right whatever so this now it's the sunsetting I meet this guy out in Brooklyn it's beautiful neighborhood brownstone sunset this guy is smoking hot oh I mean he looks like McConaughey he's got a trench coat on his hair slick bag is wearing a Rolex he's got black pointy shoes and like a v-neck sweater I mean it's a little little chest hair poking out this guy's fucking gorgeous pointy

shoes something like that well the kids wear them I don't know like like black shoes like but not pointy that's like a lady shoe maybe not pointy but they're there like Italian leather die yes yes flat nose yeah flat nose yes like a little like a porpoise yes so I'm like oh I'm like swooning in the you don't see grabs my hand he twirls me dips me the Sun is going down the whole day was magical I go in this apartment I didn't notice anything because he just like this is crown molding from the 1800 this is an archway and I'm like all wet and hot and bothered turns out somehow we start talking about comedy huge comedy and he

knows stuff he's not just like oh I like Sebastian Maniscalco he's a kook you know he's like oh this guy Eddie Murphy second special what is in his good and they rock and all this shit I'm like wow this guy knows his stuff then we're talking to the guy showing the place somehow we end up in the basement floor of the apartment he's showing it's oh boy it's dark there's no light coming in he's got like a click click the hanging bulb yeah with the you know the iron falls from right right so we're in the basement of this old brownstone and somehow it comes up and then the showing guy you guys showing it just some old

white guys like I don't know man I can't stand this woke shit and now we got three guys masked down to here in the basement of a brownstone in Brooklyn in the dark just trashing just cancel it got weird and I'm like what am I doing here I got to get out of here so the guys are where you going like I'm going back to the village I gotta get a gig and he goes I'll go with you and I'm like which guy the hot guy the realtor hot guy the other guys got to stay and show the apartment to other people I see so why is it two showers that's what I don't get so the one guy the realtor goes from place to place but each place has another

guy each place has a guy station there the station guy yes and if you have any other questions he can answer them and he lets you in and all that the other guy knows all about the place he's like the salesman so he's doing all the talking and the smoozing and the other guys is there kind of letting you in seems like all rackets doesn't feel like a racket it's all a racket these guys are making out like banditos mm-hmm so I'm in love with this guy now we ride the train together at some point I was sitting on his lap I mean we're going from Brooklyn Manhattan it's a ride it's a half-hour ride certainly is so now I'm like

swooning over this guy now I feel really bad about my other guy yeah now what's the other guy give us some taste the other guy is he hot is he charming is he sweet no he's a big dweeb he's a nerd he's older he's got two kids he sounds nice he's nice he's definitely nice but he ain't a slick Rick over here right boy this is a tricky one this is tricky so now here's where it gets really interesting oh boy so the next day me and me and the lady are joking I'm like he's so hot I'm so glad I cock blocked you he was gonna fuck you in the ass on Broadway and text comes up from the original realtor and he goes I found

this amazing place you got to see it it's the original place or in the place that the hot guy showed me so I'm making my stomach hurt I go we're busted we're in cahoots he knows we're two-timing oh so now you gotta call the guy that lives at the house and be like pretend you don't know us well here's the thing so I go hey hey lady parts you got to go ah that's not bad I can't go so I'm like oh I got a dentist appointment or OBGYN I can't make it and he's like what you got to see it this place is great I'm like I'm enough with houses I hate houses I hate apartments and so she goes and I told everything about it I already

described everything to her so now she has to go there and oh look at this oh how about that you know and she's like trying to be blown away right and that's that's where we're at but I mean the whole thing is a curb up we've just been howling laughing at the apartment with this thing so does he so where are you I got so many questions please so is the other guy the original guy you think about firing him and what happens if you want to buy this place cuz the other guy the hot guy is gonna be like you owe me commission and then the dweeb guys gonna be like well you owe me commission you guys might each pay a commission

well the whole thing the place is beautiful place great but it's out we can't buy it because of this situation oh my god I know I know so we're going back with the original dweebie guy we feel bad but this guy still blowed me up he texted me today oh my hey sweetheart what are you wearing I'm like easy buddy I already got a guy you gotta get him in at the wedding let him come to the wedding maybe he gives a speech or he's the DJ or something that's not bad if he does he's gonna fight it out with the dweeb give him something important all right that's what I think but I know when I went to do Letterman I bought some

shoes and I know about shoes yeah you know the story Gary Gullman and Ryan Hamilton sure I should by the way Ryan Hamilton hit by a bus I know I texted with me other days he's okay yeah ribs broken six six ribs broken collapsed lung and he said he's a titanium rod in his arm that's healing well he hopes the other shit feels well damn yeah I felt bad too because he's like we don't we you know we know that's how lucky we have it we're so happy I've been like in a depression of funk he's right run over by a bus he's like you don't know how good you have it I'm like well I was thinking about killing myself but I gotta hit by

a bus so I can get some perseverance not that what's that called perspective yes purgatory I felt the same way after my spine thing this last week I was I was so lucky you're comparing a slip disk to a hit by a bus get out of here with that disc this can be serious it can't be compact I don't see Ryan Hamilton in the booth floppy disk what was I gonna say oh but I took shoes and you know I care about nice clean shoes as you can see sure the way I played tennis on clay look at these things they're ruined yeah out of the box dusty as hell it looks like a dog shit on them yeah it's not good shit dog

ah geez anyways so I remember when I went to we went to like Alan Edmonds and the guy was showing me the shoes and I had never bought anything before Alan Edmonds that's a place I've walked by I've never gone in who goes in there it's fancy what's the other place this Ethan Allen is furniture Alan Edmonds his shoes they're like across the street from each other sure but so those those oh we got the half car hey nice I really like the idea of the Shelby bust it's kind of fun oh you're the one maybe a hole in the mouth so it's gonna be all lip but we went there plaster we went there and they were showing me the

shoes and I tried on the shoes and I don't know what I'm doing I just kept looking up at my two dads going do I buy do I buy these tie them what is this and after like a 45 minutes an hour we were like they were all set hmm and the guy was like oh I can't do that he was pissed I said to Hamilton like we got to buy some shoes here and Ryan's like that's his job and you don't have to buy the shoes you don't have to he's like his job is to show you the shoes we're not happy the shoes you don't buy shoes you don't want because Ryan's a fashion guy right and I was like are you kidding me he's like he's licking the glass he's

crying yeah he called his dad but he's like it doesn't matter and literally we were like walking up you know 3rd Avenue I'm like looking back I can see him in the window I see the fog up and go away fog up and go away I can't do it and by the way the worst part was I bought this I spent $1,000 on a suit the sets on my YouTube now go check it out killer set murders thanks but I spent all my money on the suit literally 100% of my money and I was like I got 80 bucks left for shoes and Ryan and Gary it's like they were sweet to take me out and buy shoes but they're also like you can't wear 80 dollars shoes with a thousand dollar

suit I disagree but yeah well we went out and they bought me that you know a $900 pair of shoes that I wore the one time oh wow you still have them though I still got them yeah they're up my ass right now but maybe it's a wedding you wear them yeah maybe but I've gotten a couple shoes since other things so now I got three pairs of shoes that I want to wear at once every six months plus I got the plantar fasciitis this is why I can't go into these are these Alan Alders whatever that store is called because it's you're ruined that's I had to stop garage sales because you you walk up and some guys foaming at the mouth he's

jerking off he's got a half job he's like a customer oh my god he's got two saw horses with a plywood and a bunch of knickknacks and you go ah use tampon miscarriage and a jar I gotta get out of here and they go ah fuck I know I mean two quick stories but don't get me started on bookstores I got a pile of books I got books Jerry like just books first print original print you know pressing print whatever the fuck this print cursive print whatever it is I go there and it's just exactly and it's Louis did the great bit about it you open the door and it's like clang clang clang and you show it and it's just eye

contact their talk and they stand right next to you like what do you like to read so I got poetry books I got books that's just leaves I wish I had left it loosely but is that what was the other story I did see a spurt on oh sorry Alan all the things ah Sorkin ah Alan the commission Alan the generous hey the shoes double commission on the letterman buying the shoes the apartment and then the bookstore there was something else garage sales oh one time I went remember there used to be a big Lebowski store on like Thompson Street no you don't remember the store for Lebowski yeah what it's on Thompson the

whole store it was a store just Lebowski was playing on like DVD all day oh that's your boat like that's like a speed bump in it yeah it was like yeah that was a corn piece of corn there it was like a fart fell down a well poetic was it Walt Whitman over here Jesus I'm from Whitman but fuck me I was a big Lebowski score and I went in there and they sell you know robes and they sell the DVD and it's the t-shirt bowling ball yeah it was there it was there for a couple years and I went and I looked around I was like I love the movie and he goes you buying something oh and I was like not today I don't have

any money and he was like well it's not a museum and I was like what do you do you're bullying me into buying something I'm like they do so you expect everyone that comes into a big Lebowski store to buy something it's a very niche market yeah right this throw rug would really bring the room together I don't have that much I don't have a big what funds for big shit yeah what a psycho that's a little aggressive but that's why they're closed I mean that just shows how far New York has come I bet there's a pinkberry or a fucking right aid right there cuz you can't have a big Lebowski store in the village anymore big Lebowski

store and then I was so annoyed I went to the Barton Fink store yeah the Miller's mall is very nice it was quite a guy yeah there's a Miller's crossing guard hello folks it's Miller time all right but yeah wow big Lebowski store I mean even the fucking what's that record shop Bleecker Street Bleecker Street Bob Bleecker Street records is gone that was like a famous spot miss Kim's was it Kim's video Kim's these village I love on all these cool ass store and they hung on to they tried buying a new littler store out of the off the beaten path and they're all gone they get fucking extinct well the thing that's bleaker Bob

there that place closed right before like the day before the record explosion records have never been hired now they sell my turban outfitters that's how people get their music again finals back and he closed right before it happened he must be just kicking himself in the asshole I know records are fine I mean they're they're a cunt you your mouse queefs and they go they scratch but there's something fun about that right when you put the needle on and then it catches yeah sir plan it's a I went to Ari's place the other day he's got a who on the record player and he's doing that shit with a coffee where it's in a

beaker and he's swirling and I'm like who are you he's a strange guy you want to admit that he hates that neighborhood but I'm gonna get him I'm gonna get him he's got an apartment it's tight it's tight and it's like this I know I've been there but I think he I think he hates the neighborhood I think he's full of shit but I can't get him to say it yeah yeah I think truth serum that kill Bill about it'd be like this it's terrible I hate all the homeless you know even serum would be I would love my my golden life is to hit a one with truth serum tie her up and just ask her questions about men oh I'd be so scared

that she'd be like you dick is tiny it's all I hate the herpes you know you don't need her I'm talking about like what is it you like what guys do this don't you kind of like man splitting a little bit I bet come on talk to me right yeah it's hard to know you want to just crack into those diaries and the phone call they want to tap a phone call love a phone tap love to tap and just be like uh-huh but I just picture I'd be crying you know I mean sure assholes dirty you know he doesn't eat me out the way I want yeah Spanish I've heard the lady and her her gal pals they they have a pillow fight and panties and then

grapes and stuff and who it's mean just the things they say about their boy I had this guy of yours I tried to eat me out it was fucking embarrassing I couldn't wait for him to come back up I was like oh god I just picture them talk about you oh god but hey look we do it too we go hey she nibbled on my sack I was laughing the whole time I didn't even feel it well I did have a woman had the teeth involved in the blowjob yeah I wanted to go give me the number of the person that told you this was a good idea I want to have a chat with them right or the lady with ice in her mouth let me put some ice in like that the BJ was

working ice you never heard the ice baby I don't want any ice oh well don't go to the border I want no no pain no nothing no temperature I just want to be spit in my mouth you know that's all I want sure sure I want just a nice drooly spit in the mouth or the face like a real yeah you know Tuesday's Mysteries is brought to you by Lucy Lucy is a modern oral nicotine company that makes nicotine gum lozenges and pouches for adults who are looking for the best most responsible way to consume their nicotine we're all adults and some of us choose to use nicotine to relax focused or just unwind after a long day so when

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the loose if you enjoy using nicotine you should definitely check out Lucy's products at Lucy dot co that's Lucy dot co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout also I have to read this disclaimer you know the legal mumbo jumbo warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical but you knew that remember if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine visit Lucy dot co and be sure use that promo code Tuesdays thank you folks Tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by blue chew you know about blue chew they've been a sponsor for a long time they've always been good

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there they are you got red I got yellow we love old Bobby Patton this guy's nice fellow huge Tuesday spent some time with him at Skankfest by the way Skankfest Vegas get your tickets to that you may or may not see us but I wouldn't advertise if we weren't gonna be there sheath underwear is the underwear for comedy fans all the comedy fans love it if you're a regular listener to the show your balls and dicks aren't in two separate components right now what the F are you doing for God's sakes I wear this underwear every single day Mark does too we're not just saying that I love this underwear you know how I feel I love

pulling my dick out of that little pocket yes it's just delightful and it really does keep your balls and dick separate which they might they want to be together but they're separate US Army soldier and Tuesday Robert Patton knew there would had to be a better way to uns... sorry Bobby better way to unstuck the junk and that's how she was born magical dick pouch aside this underwear is comfy cool and comes in many different patterns you can have a pair of sheath ready for any occasion I tell you the women they love it they think it's sexy they make underwear and bras for the ladies too they didn't leave

out the ladies the comfort you guys know for your balls sheath has applied it to titties with their sports bras you gotta get some Marcus you know how to do it tell them how oh yeah I'm a fan I love them I wear them I sniff them sheath underwear dot com and order with promo code Tuesdays you get 20% off your first order and she's 100% money back guarantee that's sheath underwear dot com promo code Tuesdays get sheath underwear and let them support your balls get on it folks and thank us later well I gotta tell you about this just got back from California hey you did oh Sacramento what all we do is the hey the United

Flight went 9-11 I sat next to a fat guy the uber shit in my mouth all bad this was this is all positive okay like COVID so cross country though is a cunt yeah it stinks because in Sacramento is a weird area because you got to connect you got to connect Johnson not gonna connect hey to connect but we added some shows we did seven sold out shows that is a great room I love that room that was our first gig that's right in the day I was getting misty I hosted what was that oh 9 of 2010 it was 2009 it was right when I went to Peru it was the weekend before I went to Peru that's right see my ex I was heading to Peru it was an

emotional time in my life I'm glad I caught you before that trip oh my god but yeah it was me hosting you featuring and Joe DeRosa headlining yeah and I remember we like took home a couple waitresses we got drunk every night we mean you would get drunk at the pool at noon we made him go to that was when Bjorn left us our manager he quit and we were in the pool and then DeRosa came over he's like what are you guys gonna do and I was like I'm so bad with career I still am I was like what do you mean do right I'm like this is great yeah he's like at some point we all have to move to LA remember he said that yes we all

got to go to LA and I'm like LA yeah and it's amazing how much has changed and how much I didn't know I was so green I moved to New York in 08 right I'm still nobody I'm an open-micro I'm worthless I'm gay and you were like remember you gave me shit you're like you tell him about your day job up there don't let them think I was like really that bad I thought that was I thought I was supposed to be honest up there like no lie to them what about when we look for the strip club for like a four months we were like Moses out there remember that I had my pants on my head like like fucking Clark Griswold it was because we

drove by a titty bar and I was obsessed with titty bars back there yeah you were and I was like let's go we walked like up and down the highway I'm like I swear to God it's here it was like show night yeah two shows it was like 5 p.m. we're sweating looking for a titty bar and I had no money right right I remember that I remember I also remember a vague recollection of me just waiting in the pool and you were swimming on the other side I go you got to see this Mulaney guy you're like I don't know much about him I was like wow he did not to not know about Mulaney that's how how different time this was either way great weekend in

Sacramento got the hotel you know when you start selling out there nice to you my hotel you should stay in that residence in the Hilton and just I had Joey Avery and this guy Daoud Daoud yeah I love Avery though he's a hot son of a sexy little twink but we just had the greatest weekend those guys were cool as shit we worked on jokes we got drunk we we the crowds were great that these guys are younger they're like 28 30 31 so they're all in on the cams the content the clips the captions the graphics you name it I mean every show it was like a fucking gay porn shoot we had a whole back was aligned with cameras we all got

I gotta I gotta clip out of the gate you know we played ping-pong all day just one of those magic weekends everything was perfect until the last show the last show this is how magical the weekend was we got drunk with a stat it feels like like it's like a 2008 museum over there like everything you just kind of laid back you can still afford a home you can be a waiter and have a house you know it's clean it's safe it's just a different world out there that I look at the news it's a blizzard in New York everybody's like don't come back don't go back and I got my feet up by the pool right yes nice good living it's good

living the sack town I mean I don't go to back down don't go to L.A. or San Francisco but right now sack and all that shit is fun or New York don't come to sure this is maniacs everywhere yeah yeah that's off the path enough we're like this is nice you can get a car here and just live yeah but either way so all the shows are great killer shows and then Andrew Schultz is in town for some giant arena show on Saturday so Avery being the the little cunning cook that he is he goes hey how do you feel about this I'm gonna go do his show do a guess set on his show come back and feature okay go for it so he goes and I like

I like the gumption he goes out there does Schultz a show it's like 2,500 people some fucking amphitheater and his lights and a macaw you know it's a whole thing blue angels fly over and pretty good yeah also sounded like my toilet when I flush but yeah so he comes back we do the show and then the last week six shows killer we did meet and greets we did photos we did the whole thing six shows seventh show we're a little wiped I'm hung over third show of the night and man that crowd just sucked ass and you get spoiled you know these these are Tuesdays coming out these are comedy fans and that last one

was just like you know 20 minutes in I just I gave in and I was like you guys suck oh boy you know that feeling yeah it's not a great feeling it sucks you want to leave I talk about it all the time because it's like they're not enjoying it you're not enjoying it so you like why don't we just call it I know call it a day well we'll try another time and then they kept doing this thing where I was like man you guys are tough like jokes who just fall off a cliff like a fart in a well and then fall of a cliff and I'd be like I don't know what to do here and they go come on come on they'd all start clapping like get me

back up I'm like this isn't Rudy like the joke sucked like he or you hated the joke you can't just cheer me back on like you guys got to give a little right you know and then it all turned out fine I did a Q&A at the end and that did well because they just wanted to be talked to they wanted crowd work and then the meet and greet they're like we're huge fans I'm like well where were you that's that's that's what worries me sometimes with all the content and the podcast is they just want podcasts I guess so it's like that's boring we want off the cuff we want riffing we want we want gay anal jizz shit right I know I

get so jealous because maybe I'm just a boring comic but I watch like these Aziz the Aziz special he's sitting on a stool he's got a beanie on and he's just like what else what else and they're all like how do I get that how do I get you guys to hang on my every ball sack you know everything I'm saying is just like I feel like they're they're trying to look away and I have to go hold on hold this is a good bit well also we're joke guys so it's like it's harder with you can't pontificate you can't be like joke joke joke joke and then here here's a long thing and I'm not taking away from that style because I love that style I

like that style too I'm just jealous of it yeah well maybe you try maybe you got to start maybe that toothpaste thing you stretch it out maybe I'll stretch about toothpaste aware then remember the first time I had toothpaste enjoy toothpaste you had the toothpaste well toothpaste there I could see the people getting up like that's how I always felt I mean I started my career in fire houses so if you didn't if you didn't call them gay in about 30 seconds they'd throw their hose at you it's over forget about the hey you guys get anxiety you just hear the fire oh we got a live one here they spray it with the hose like the civil

rights you got to go hard and fast but yeah I don't know it's different styles different strokes for different folks but how did they get that how did they earn that we got we got a couple of credentials ourselves we got a couple millions of views we got a couple hot pods we got Chuck on the ones and fours when are we gonna earn a little pun tiff but let me ask you this do you worry that you have a lot of content that's responding to people do you worry that makes people want to see that then they go hey hey mark dirt bike right so you can go my mother's gonna dirt but whatever they want that I know the

problem with giving them too much of that is then they go hey somebody yells some shit out you know how good he is off the cuff right they want the cuff they want cuff you give them cuff they want cuff that's funny Bargatzi said the same thing he was like these heckle videos you're setting a bad precedent you got to be careful with the cuff yeah yeah you gotta watch out for that but then the cuff is such a good clip because they are not burning anything I know and then it's an interactive it's fun to watch it's tightrope shit so people enjoy it so you want the views the clicks the queeps exactly and they go well we want to go

see that but then you like they want to see that they want to see that you know what I mean like I see springsteen he's done the two he's got to play three and a half hours if it takes for 90 minutes I go what the fuck is that I want you run around with the shirt off and the thing I want you to play dead and get back up and say I'm a prisoner of rock and roll if you don't give me that the fuck am I doing here yeah that's why he's got to go all right folks I'm doing the acoustic show it's just me acoustics you go okay sure what's the acoustic you're gonna say this is the no no riff but you're also about to graduate the

theaters and theaters they're not yelling out the theater that's nice that's big I do love the club intimacy and you can't you can't work on a thing in a theater you can't go let me try this thing on beanie babies they're gonna go huh what are we doing here that's a good club you can beanie baby it up you know what I'm doing I'm doing this Grove 34 in Astoria it's three blocks from my house what the hell's that I don't know it's on 34 Street in Astoria or maybe it's eight blocks from my house but it's Astoria and it's these young whippersnappers one of the kids lives I thought you did it didn't they say you did it I maybe I

would say you did a big Grove 33 it kind of hurt my feelings like Mark was down the street from my house what the fuck is that I don't know this Grove yeah it's Grove 30 it's on Broadway and 34th Street which is pretty close to my home and they were like yeah mark was there he came in a limo he didn't hour he brought some girls he threw an after party in the room and I was like boy that's interesting it's all news to me it was about 60 feet from it but um well whatever but I'm gonna go down there and do some working out hey there you go down the street my house it's like my dream it's like the seller for you that

is a beauty huh nothing like being close to home yeah you want to be close to home and working out it's so fun but you gotta earn it it's hard well the hard thing with comedy though is you're like I gotta go stretch my legs work out but you do run out of material of course of course you're like I've done all the things I had written down here I can't just go like who exactly yeah that's as much as I can stretch it out then you turn into one of those queef comics is like let me tell you about my day let me let me feel like and well I had a phone called by mom and it really jostled a thing so you're like alright shut up I

hate days you gotta have a premise gotta have a premise but here's the clinker I do this Q&A at the end and somebody goes talk about your trans nanny and I'm like okay I had a trans nanny she was black he had a dress on you know and you're like what are we doing here cuz a I got no punchline to it and b you know what you're talking about but this this old lady here just got tickets to the late show she's she doesn't know the well she's like trans nanny what what kind of club is this right yeah it's a tricky thing yeah I feel that way all the time because I'm like there's so many Tuesdays here but then there's like people

just saw me on last comic stand or people that you know one tickets sure and then I'm like trying to appease them so much while I'll be like I don't know what I'm talking about just my father's tits and then they're like yeah it's a code all very difficult it is it is but maybe it's a curse and a bless because you know we're these quick guys everybody's bored people are signing checks around us that nobody wants to hear me one one you know moth flies by and my whole act is ruined you know so we got to keep them we got to hold them we got to pull them back in yes even though it hurts your feelings and it's

a lot of work maybe we're better off being quicker well you want to be quick I mean I'm happy with our skills but it's very tricky to it's very hard they want more content and then you do the pie it's all it's like a Newman speech with a male he's like it never ends and never ends it just keeps coming but get a good clip out there it does well what else you got what about that one we saw that one I know it's hard and the male never stops it's tricky I sit there at home and I can't do the content I don't want to do the content it's too much and then I go to the show they're like we got 31 sold for the late show

tricky I gotta do the content black beans are really having a race war in my asshole with the white rice I also by the way I don't know the rules like Sam's like what do you do and take your late nights and put up on your YouTube and I was like don't they shut you down he's like what are you a fucking girl just put it on he's like shut you down I'm like I thought they the FBI warning comes in for a letterman's dead Conan's flew to Mexico you're fine they don't know what's going on and then the other thing is then you post it on YouTube and they're like we saw this I know the other you and then it's like Joe Joe list

on Jimmy Fallon has 800,000 views and then Joe list on Joe list has 11 views right we still hate them it's still one's left to mean comment but now put that shit on your Instagram just cut one joke out yeah sorry Joe's a he's an anti-masker but yeah you got to cut it up put it on your screen and you get you get 10 jokes out of your letterman because it's it's a five-minute set so like I did it all I'm like I did my late and I gotta post it again I guess or something yeah you just use all the buffalo and I gotta tell you I sat in the room with the Daude and Avery and they're like let's see you TikTok and

you're like this is kind of I feel like embarrassed it's like when you know your friends like let me see your dick and you're like I don't think it's ready you know I don't think I'm proud of it and they're like this is pathetic he's like you're kind of you know you you you got a following like you should be bigger on here and I'm like I don't know what to do I post videos like this is the wrong format this is the wrong size like here's what you should do delete the whole thing and start over and I'm like what is this a tear down we're doing my house here like get rid of the house build it again the foundation is cracked

so I took the I listen I took the tiktok off I started a new one oh I just it makes me want to commit suicide you're kidding I'm like I can't do it yeah I am a boomer I have no tiktok I refuse tiktok yeah can't do it but I'm gonna be the old asshole that makes $1,100 at a show and there's seven people going we like you but at least you'll be happy maybe when I'm at the show and they go yeah you didn't hit any bonuses and you netted 600 bucks I'm not so happy well you got away you got away you got a ballot you got to go what it where am I happiest and getting fans and and moderation or whatever the hell it is

Kurds and way I mean I the what's the thing I'm saying here balance I guess balance even yeah where's the line yeah you're happy with doing it a little bit of content and getting some tickets sold or no content and less tickets right it's tricky and so it's all fun I feel good but I did like I was hanging out my niece and nephew last week and I'm going back again to cancel I felt good about this I got Toronto they canceled it's Super Bowl weekend so I go I'm going back to Seattle I'm happiest when I'm with Derek and his kids so I'm just flying back there 12 hours round trip I got the Delta one again the bed and I

had all the I have all these unused tickets from COVID I looked at my tickets I had $660 unused ticket free Delta one essentially free I spent for three years ago I'm going back I'm going hang out with the kids I should find a weekend go do the show but I'm happy it's with these kids so then I made a movie with them I make these little horror movies they have fun and I'm like should I post this is this content it's content but I posted before on YouTube and people go what is this dog shit we don't want to see you playing with your niece and nephew and someone else is like this is adorable it's hilarious I

don't know what to do yeah yeah and then I'm like I don't want to exploit my niece and nephew but it is pretty good it's pretty funny it's adorable and they like it they like it so I like it yeah some pedophiles can you know watch it and enjoy it they buy tickets to say something beforehand say this is just me and my family and this is just fun if you're looking for some hardcore real you know jizzing your father's tits content then go to the next video just say that that's not bad yeah that's great you're a good help oh yeah thanks for burning the letterman thing yeah you see yeah you're a good guy I always

feel like I'm an idiot cuz you're like I'm like if this isn't too much and then you're like eight seconds later you're like here you go you fucking dipshit a video or stretch a video yeah I'm really quite retarded I my mind it's like romantic I'm like hi guys I'm an idiot and I think everyone's like that act is old learn a few things so you can sell some tickets you piece of shit right right thank you anymore you know when the old guy was like I like a horse like get a car you bag well Tony V who's like the wisest and just the best really one of the wisest people I said I said to him years ago this is

like 2007 we were doing some silly contest in New York and I said yeah I'm just not good at the the networking the schmoozing networking thing I thought it was like cool and he goes well you get good at it yeah he's like it's part of the gig and I thought he was gonna be like I know what you mean he had a cigar this elder statesman I was like I like your cut of your jib yeah that's stupid you gotta work on that I love advice like that yeah do it I know you don't like it I know you think you're cool but you're wrong and move on and he's like it's more important than writing jokes for sure that's so funny yeah

yeah but then oops sorry I just remember being like being young and bitter and an alcoholic idiot and Soder would talk to everybody and he knew every waiter I remember being like this he's cheating he's cheating the system and then you realize years later he's just a friendly guy that's just who he is I remember being like what I'm trying to do at old school and this guy and then meanwhile he has better jokes than me and he just likes talking to the bartender he's like still friends with him I was like my mind my bitter 25 year old alcoholic mind I was like he's trying to talk to the bartender to get spots and then he's

just like 20 years later he's like I was talking to that bartender remember that suicidal bartender who works at Sears now we're still friends and I'm like oh shit you actually do like those people weird yeah seems like a lot of work but we're to talk to a non-comic to me Bert Kreischer like that where he's like chatting up with a guy in a headlock let's go to a dive bar he's like raise a nice people like I know but they're boring I like him yeah I likes it I this comedians of the seller they say they know every waiter by heart they say I love you to them they're like hugging the waiters they have a secret

handshake and I'm like but it's not that I think I'm better than them it's just I think I'm a piece of shit yeah I'm like they don't want to hear from me yeah I think you're better than me yes that's what I think it's the other way I don't want to bother you with my bullshit handshake yeah but whatever that it does seem like there is a a point you can reach and maybe I'm just hoping here where you don't have to do all the posting like you got your Louie your Mulaney your Aziz your obviously Seinfeld your Chappelle's like I know these are Titans of the industry but Bill Burr is not really doing a lot of hey guys here's

my pun about icebergs tweet right you know whereas I'm like oh put this tweet out or oh put this clip out I don't think they're doing that and I don't think it's hurting them right well you gotta ask when you get to that point I mean do you think if you didn't post a video for three weeks all these people would stop buying tickets probably not there you go but I think I could add more new people new people so it's a catch 22 year old it's really tricky but this has become not funny this is great how about how about mystique what about mystique in the world of comedy it

doesn't exist really well that's like Daniel Simonson I just I was my literally my favorite comedian hilarious guy Daniel Simonson is my favorite comedian I'm not saying that like hyperbolically he's the comic I want to watch most I watched with the VU went upstairs and watched with the fat black wow this guy is doing such real honest and hilarious stuff and it's silly and poignant I mean he's he's what I want to be I leave my car I'm like I gotta be better I gotta be more like this guy gotta be Norwegian but I asked was like come on mindful metal jacket cuz he's a nutcase he's like a lunatic yeah he's

depressed and I go you gotta come on this show and he goes well I don't want to do podcast I'm gonna not do interviews he's keeping the mystique oh smart guy is it mystique or mistake cuz it's a how does anyone know who you are right it's a much bigger challenge because podcasts are the way in but I do think they would hurt him what's I think they would hurt him I think he's he might be wrong but I like where his head's at because I like it too he's this odd ball weird he completely stands out on lineup he's a complete you completely unique in the lineup you talk about diversity this guy is diverse yeah he

thinks everybody talks every sounds everybody looks weird and I think if you knew more about him he would lose that mysteriousity is that a word mistake yeah there you go X-Men that was sweet because you said yeah but then corrected it that was like that was really that was really this guy yeah that was a really PC way of doing that is that a word yeah of course that's a word here's the actual right the word I just said you make a good coach but yeah it's interesting but yeah he's going mystique cuz I got no mystique everything I've said everything same they know the whole thing I'm the opposite of mystique I

think almost everybody has no mystique besides the Titans that you were talking about that's how it is now that's the difference between you think of like comedy in the 80s comedies and comedy in the 90s there was mystique that's the thing you don't get to hear anybody until they get on stage but that's the rub is if we didn't do these things we would have nobody it's a different world well is it not for them well Chris Chris Rock said Eddie Murphy is the only comedian with mystique but I don't agree no David tell has the most mystique David tells the community that I'm most like where does he go what exactly that's

exactly right thinking where does he go that's really think and it makes him interesting he's the most mysterious and he gives you nothing on stage well other than the best jokes yeah and when I go on stage where's the how's the hog where's the hog so I'm like all right so this these pods are getting into people's heads and I'm thinking about it enough to yell that out at me in a show so maybe it's good well that's the thing it's gonna be back and forth it's like you said a blessing a curse people are more personally invested in you guys because they know everything but some of this stuff is also just who you are you can't

help like I can't help who I am when I think something I say it to whoever I'm with I go boy I think I have cancer I'm dying so everybody knows all these things about me that's just who I am the other part the the content thing is more of a decision to be on podcasts or to not be on podcasts I can't not go I got herpes my father hated this though this thing you know that means it's hard to not do that you can't take it back that's just who you are as Joe Mackie is a very private person yes yes I'm a very out there person I am saying you can't not checking I'm kissing you yeah you can't take it back but the rest of the

career stuff we gotta get to some jokes here this is like a very special Tuesdays with stories but I was on the edge of my twat here people gonna love it people gonna love that all right well they love this yes that was good mystique it was nice hey what's the opposite of mystique I think I'm annoying is like guys annoying he's too much what's an antinom yes it's like it's being ostentatious right wouldn't that be the opposite of mystique because you're loud and you're no it's gotta be revealing or something oh transparent transparent there we are which is what my dad is I gotta get a parent yeah

transparent how about this I was in the subway the New York is terrified I think we might have made oh shit we're at an hour I gotta I think we might have made a tactical error when we started to devalue the police a couple years ago he don't say I said I do say and I said it then too well I got some tear gas for you that helps that brings them back but I'm noticing after we started to devalue the police things started to get a little hair around around and the more the city pushed back on the police the more the city is going through hell right now all over the country but I was on the train so I'm like I'm scared of

the train at this year I'm like a full-on I think in a robber train yeah the 40s I'm full on I'm full on pussy I'm spending all my money on lifts I'm taking lifts everywhere yeah because everywhere I go it's hobo Joe is spitting in my face yeah my ass all like an equinox sauna in here is a thickness but no I'm with you I'm seeing more dick on the train than I did opening for you know who so it's it's tough yeah it's bad news bears so I'm on the train and now I'm not like a swivel I'm a pussy I'm just going and everyone's changing car and I everyone's talking it's the talk of the town oh yeah the train's wild and

people go I won't sit anymore because when you sit you're in this like vulnerable position but sometimes when you stand they're standing so they walk right it's terrifying yeah trains are scary it's like the Holocaust I'm with you but I took the train here and if I see like an old lady on the train I'm like ah we're good he'll kill her kill her first well it's date day train out they'll hill kill hill one tree hill kill bill volume to but it's day trains not as bad the J train but day is not as bad J free remember didn't you say something earlier oh no run on reference to earlier yeah I got too

many podcasts we're two women here folks where we're we got no mistake it's embarrassing what we call transparent that's all terrible I really might kill myself someday not not so don't write to me I'll be fine but just like in a couple you know days all right we'll get a few in we'll put them in some in the cans a couple bonuses yeah where you do it well I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about my brain is the train I'm on the train it's terrifying it's scary I'm looking everywhere so I'm going to city winery during the snowstorm and city winery I've been taken off if I'm home in the city I'd like to do a

bunch of spots Friday at the stand I do five which I did this while I was at great that was great it all locked in up and down locking in and then you hit up people and go hey come hang at the stand so I had a Steve Rogers Ari Sarah Isabel good crew throwing around the laughs good fun we ordered pizza fries the table the whole thing so it was great and then Saturday take off but then I got a text about doing city winery which is a very cool room in the in the lower Tribeca area yes and it's but it's like way out in the Hudson River and I try to keep open mind and go I like to have my Saturday off I hate the

city in the weekends I don't like the subway but I go yeah you know I'll do the cool show cool show it's Rosebud Yamanica J Jurt I want to be a cool I want to be cool yeah you look you're cool so I go I'm doing the cool show three weeks pass and then it's snowstorm it's 12 degrees lifts cost 180 dollars the show is literally in the Hudson River it's 10 degree it's like oh yeah at the end it's a twister so I take the subway down there and I take the end train to the L train and then the L you're going to 8th Avenue so it's quiet you don't like an empty subway these days no because it's like one-on-one it's like

Hogan and Andre it's a haunted house so I'm sitting there I'm standing there because I don't sit because I'm too vulnerable so I'm standing then there's three attractive women stand there then like two meatball guys and that's it I'm not on then there's three women down the other end of the train all right guy comes in he looks like Ryan long like a white guy kind of long hair hood on no mask which I only say because you're supposed to wear a mask when you see someone with no mask you think like they're doing a little different yeah yeah this guy does his own thing so he comes in and he's like talking about

Wall Street or the market and he walks around these women he goes what do you guys think about these fiasco fiscal football I don't know any of the word I can't even pretend to talk about these words up down Dow Jones and they go yeah we don't know and he goes oh what are you a bunch of fucking cunts right here and he didn't look like a homeless great he just looked like a regular old dude like sober did you take him it's hard to say I mean maybe I had wet boots wet panties and but your heart rate goes up because it's like three women it's like okay well I might have to fight this guy but I don't care about these women if

they attack some I guess I have to say something just cunts I'm not gonna be like say pardon me there soldier sure I mean I don't give a shit you probably called him cunts in your brain already yeah I hate other all women but sure not really just my wife and aunt but um well you're out to cut so that's her name I'm cut so he's saying he's calling him cunts and I'm just sitting there going like what is this and I am like I'm trying to like wipe my feet cuz I got some fight training a couple years under my tits sure but you know I'm still frightened and then you're like what am I gonna do what if he has a weapon he's

crazy obviously wants a fight for God's sakes and then it's one of those things where it stops and 8th Avenue is the last stop and I don't know if you know the New York City subway system when you get to the last stop whatever reason it's state the doors don't open for like a full minute yes so you're just sitting there and you're like come on doors doors doors and he's like you can't you fucking cunts they're like we're all set that kind of thing like thank you move on and finally goes whatever he walks through there and he walked down the other and he does like the same spiel down there and then by the way this is

the guy hated the most these two other meatball chuches they go boy they look at the women oh they were crazy that guy was crazy huh and then so he's trying to like swoop in and pick up these women and I'm like you're worse than him actually yeah okay he's those guys are cunts yeah I didn't care for them but anyways I didn't have to fight the guys but it's just that terrifying feeling of just like oh my god if I gotta be and Sarah had a similar thing Sarah was on the train and the lady next to her the guy stood over he's like why aren't you giving me money why she's like the next woman in line like yeah the woman's

like I'm just trying to get home sir I'm sorry I don't want to do a horror show out here it's getting bad it's almost like a comic who's bombing and he's eventually like what's your problem you got a problem son and you're like no you just materials not good that's all you can't yell at them it's the same with these bums they go up and try to get money in there they're getting they're on edge they're getting restless like I need the money you know one's giving it to me because we're done with it we can't get every if you have 17 hobos on the train you can't give them all money no and they don't realize that they're just

like oh why aren't you giving me money it's like well I gave your fucking poor guy friend the money yeah that turns out they're not all friends I just found out no I thought they were a group maybe they had some friends I could sleep on a couch yeah but either way the problem is we had the pandemic the hobos came and they were they were uplifted and then thank you and then they they kind of dispersed we kind of came back and then there was some tension and now it's snowstorm Johnson so they all go downtown in the subway and then all hell breaks loose yeah oh you gotta take a dump I think I already did it my pants oh boy

they're soiled all right we gotta wrap up we're like way over time here yes are you gonna be there sloppy jalopy let me see here I mean look at that isn't that fun as a little whale sticker when he's made I got a rock in my my my pocket that's god damn adorable all right well Atlantic City February 9th is anyone coming to that gig does anyone go to Atlantic City I can't imagine it's gonna be sold eight tickets to that yeah well come on down we'll play Monopoly Atlantic City February 19th that's gonna be fun I imagine they'll be hell if you don't come so please come on my face Houston February 15th that's a makeup

gig Key West February 24 through 26 all these dates are on my website now and then side splitters in Tampa March 24 through 26 and then I got Laugh Boston Buffalo Helium I'm going back to Seattle again I'm in love with these children the May 30th Tacoma Comedy Club that's a new date Tacoma Comedy Club Monday May 30th it's Memorial Day one night only and then Cap City in May Charlie Goodnights or just Goodnights in Raleigh so May I got Austin I got Raleigh and I got Tacoma and then like I said Boston and Buffalo in April Houston in a couple weeks oh yeah this week I'm in Kansas City KC improv come on out love

to sell that out Omaha funny bone after that then we got Columbus funny bone I think Summit in Fort Wayne Indiana we'll see if that gets canceled La Jolla California back to the West Coast Tampa well pal Shawn Murphy's coming out Cincinnati funny bone Louisville Comedy Club in Kentucky Dania improv which I think is like around West Palm Beach Helium Indianapolis Carolina Theater and Raleigh Phoenix at stand-up live Calusa Casino wherever the hell that is Magubis in Baltimore Addison improv lot of fun dates out to lunch on YouTube I hate myself on YouTube Netflix Netflix half hours all across the table and yeah

check out I got a patreon now if you want to get on that and what else so you got a special date not yet be early April but please go subscribe to my YouTube now I gotta get it over 20,000 I'm releasing on my special I'm at like almost 19,000 there you go I gotta plug Joe and run on Joe and run on it's a hilarious pod it's very funny run on it's just the best and he's not the best but he's wonderful and so go check that out it's a lot of fun we're trash again night shalom on this week oh there you go he stinks and I can't remember I open my phone once you tell about airplane mode and you get all the I know I forget

and I can't even talk anymore I got 48 emails my niece is gay I don't know what's going on all right thanks gang we love you we got no mystique we're annoying we got transparency M&M's are woke and we'll see it help comedy