Tuesdays with Stories! - #440 Stretch and Pull

Episode Date: February 22, 2022

Hey Tuesgays, we've got another hot ep for you as Joe recounts some of his past sexual failure and his awkward Fuck, Marry, Kill on Bobby Kelly's podcast while Mark plans a spontaneous trip with his l...ady. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: BetterHELP (Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at BetterHelp.com/Tuesdays, LIQUID IV (Support the show and get 25% off anything you order at LiquidIV.com with promo code TUESDAYS), Indochino (Support the show and $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code TUESDAYS at Indochino.com), & ENDEAVOR Athletics (Support the show and get15% off at checkout by using promo code TUESDAYS at  endeavorathletic.com) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to out YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

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Starting point is 00:00:00 hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey what the fuck you have there looks like a lake in Houston capuchin is Flintwater now it's a cappuccino there it's got a little it's free we got a
Starting point is 00:00:44 coffee maker in the lobby of this law firm we're working in but what you put in there water it looks watery and milky it's a milk in there little foam the colors can we get a shot of this I mean the color is all wet looks terrible I put some milk in yeah but it looks like watery milk or something it's like brown lake brown it's not coffee brown mmm don't you think ah it tastes great it it does the trick I got no sleep last night so I need a little kick it looks soupy I saw you last now I will tease but we got something special going here you might be noticing if you're watching on the camera yes we're in cans I know
Starting point is 00:01:23 and it's weird it's a weird look we're in the studio we're conforming it's a little strange no conform no conform yeah no no bad form I mean you got a yellow coffee for God's sakes what's less conforming than that good point I'm wearing your dress nice you look like you're nice I could I could break down some drywall with this outfit what are you talking about to me you're dressed nice that looks nice that's an ensemble I got Jim horseshit my pant my sneakers dirty I came from the gym this is how they would dress the guy on the sitcom we just got fired yeah yeah exactly I'm like yeah I'm dumped and fired you
Starting point is 00:02:00 depressed like oh she left me and we have to call your friends come over we go dude you don't need her she was fucking that black guy I'm dressed like Piven in the audition in Seinfeld that's right can we pull up that maybe we put the video we'll put the little thing next to it but I think he's wearing yellow yellow polo and gray sweatpants yes and he's blue a picture in blue I was picturing great when he comes he goes so what is this guy like a loser he's like a real lose no no loser so good so good we got well so we're trying something different we tease this the other day Shelby got a wild dick of his ass and
Starting point is 00:02:33 decided we're gonna try couldn't help it his ass was exposed my father's gay I mean we got the clip we're trying we're doing it one time only OT OT O not there's anything wrong with that but yeah just a couple clips we say a lot my father's gay there you go so we'll try it we're shock jocks we're radio hey it's a queef tits and and Joe blow in the morning yeah and so we're wearing came by the way that a short cord here if I move an inch I'm gonna rip down the whole sound system that cord no cord discord we have something I saw a finger I get these shock queefs it's fine because if you hit it at the right moment bang it
Starting point is 00:03:20 comes I mean we got a really rely on the Shelby finger my father's gay all right well we've got to go to the repeats already but I've never seen Shelby smile this much so that's gotta mean something he looks like the piano player it looks like dizzy he's over there his fingers are going Adrian Brody and the pianist yeah it's really something all it goes don't love that film but I love it it's good but it's a different movie that's all I need you to say it's on the record check out Joe and Ron on talk pianist versus Schindler's list is better yeah she's fun wonderful comedian and a buddy I feel like we had one
Starting point is 00:04:01 podcast I feel like we're friends but good Twitter too she messaged me and goes hey well what your friends retarded I she didn't say retarded I don't want to you know make it seem like she says that word but she friends an idiot she is amazing she's like I walked out of pianist so I made her put a comment on there oh she listens she listened because she's I think she just saw the the headline oh yeah first piano she's like I can't even believe anyone would debate this but anyways it's nice to have an attractive woman on your side isn't it it really is like whenever you told me we got a hot female Tuesday I'm
Starting point is 00:04:30 like we're doing something right by the way did you get that photo no photo I'm waiting for the photo I sit by the phone twirling the cord doing my hair no photo help me out sister I just want to see that you're real I'm not gonna rub one out or go down on you I just want to see the photo yeah I think maybe she's not I think sometimes people listen to enough that they know Tuesday right so they'll say Tuesday and that cuz I've had it before when I was in Seattle and a guy was like hey a big Tuesday I go well check this out that's Derek yes Derek the sound guy right and I go no Derek what are you talking about I've had the
Starting point is 00:05:05 same thing oh I'm a big Tuesday well that's lunch what are you talking about it's dinner no no lunch it's a thing I tried to do yes it's all pipes and they don't know I missed it hopefully people I wondered and people googling this we have a Tuesdays with Seinfeld on Twitter hopefully he's keeping these people afloat on what the hell we're talking about half the time I I say it every week as I think about it every week it's so fascinating to me the people that never watch Seinfeld and they're like what the fuck are these guys talking about you get a message every now and then going hey never heard about it
Starting point is 00:05:41 before I'd never heard of him or the show I watched it it's pretty good you're like pretty good you never heard of it what are you crazy never heard of corduroy I gotta talk about I've been laughing over days I'm telling it as a story and everyone goes I don't get it but we had a real moment the other day we did we did you missed it but we're at Chipotle you me and Chuck I said I said you know Yemen pretty similar to semen you went and it really made my life complete I didn't know that felt very George and Jerry very Larry and you really you gave me exactly what I needed on that one
Starting point is 00:06:15 all right go Yemen semen I don't get it but you gave me a mark it's one word one letter off so I respect that it's a perfect little jump yeah it felt like a real Larry moment and we love Larry we love Jerry not as much but is Yemen I know nothing about Yemen I think it's Eastern Africa I think it's all by Ethiopia I didn't know that at all I think I mean I don't know it for sure but I think whitey white people live there and Yemen I think it's whitey I don't think so what Barbara Streisand always thought it sang about Yemen Yemen or she's in the movie Yemen which I guess was in the 70s and everybody was white
Starting point is 00:06:49 in the 70s I thought Yemen was like light-skinned brown Muslim call in if you're in Yemen right I think I could be wrong about that I know that there's Omen that's a movie with Damien that's a terrifying name lemon oh yeah Damien Yemen oh three people appreciate that but that is something I think Damien lemons a Tuesday at least he was he was gay for a while give him a gook he's a fun cat oh funny guy handsome and just cool cool black he's a cool wow you didn't have to take it there my god oh sorry white folks is losing a man hey what was that who's that what's the etymology of that one is that aqua fina
Starting point is 00:07:32 shot not Mike he doesn't like Mike he doesn't want any hoopla it's for the best but but I'm joking Mike wouldn't be bad a camera would end up oh god or a mirror there's got a hell of a hair swoop going your hair looks great your jawline is chiseled and your shoulders are a little thin but it's all pipes yeah either way Yemen we got to go there maybe we'll do a live up I think there's some trouble out there in the Middle East a lot of trouble the Middle East very unstable I'm listening to a hell of a podcast Barry Weiss's podcast honestly I highly recommend I think I recommend it to you he's got Brett Stevens on there
Starting point is 00:08:14 who's that he's a guy he's always he's from the Times and he's always on real time and he's got Matt Taibe from Rolling Stone the bald ugly guy and they're debating Ukraine Russia and I'm so susceptible to debate one talks for four minutes this guy's a hundred percent right we don't know to be anywhere near Ukraine fuck them let it fight it out and the other guy's like however and then he speaks for four minutes I'm like that other guys are retirees are we talking to get us all killed feel the same exact way what is that they make a convincing arguments I got a soft brain I thought about this years ago with
Starting point is 00:08:50 the horse and carriage in New York because I was listening to some guy he's like what are you talking about fuck the animals you have to have the clip clop part of the city the spirit of the city like you're right that someone else is like they beat the horses they fuck them in the ass they they make them eat donkeys and the smell is horrible right it's torture and I'm like I don't know what to do shoot half the horses and leave the other half to pulse around but is that the definition of open-minded you can take both sides in and see the good it's like when you go into a when you were younger and you go into a
Starting point is 00:09:20 classroom and every lady was ugly but you could see some beauty in one oh I see the beauty a lot of ugly I want to fuck everyone now is what comes to women and sex I've got my mind is more open than my father's asshole on a Halloween evening that's an ass a lantern but yeah I don't know what that meant but it's a big bag of candy you want to give him a tootsie roll but yeah I'm with you it's it's exciting seeing the women's imperfections are fun now oh yeah kid you're like give me the supermodel give me the Pamela whatever but as an adult you're like oh look at that swastika on the neck on the c-section scar and the the
Starting point is 00:09:58 dingleberry yeah exactly we had that great bid that I think resulted in getting divorced and famous at the same time to trade about the wife or nipples all yeah it looks like an old black and white photo and he thinks it's hot and I remember watching it being like that she can't enjoy this no they were divorced ten minutes later but it really got pretty successful so it's a sliding scale I guess yeah it's a balance but hold on back to what you were saying there the debates the debates I'm with you I fly into Florida for a gig I look around I put on a MAGA hat and a Hawaiian shirt and I kick a Mexican and I punch a Cuban
Starting point is 00:10:33 I'm like give me some bath salts shoot up that gay club I love it yes and then you go to LA and you're like oh shit maybe I'll wear an AIDS ribbon and I voted sticker and I'll give money to a Mexican and I'll join the the DNC right it's it's it's it's tricking they're all making great points yeah they really are yeah two things can be right we forget that in America mmm two things to be right two things to be wrong well the middle path as the Buddhists say our neighbor here is a little path somewhere in the middle but sometimes with these debates you just go ah you figured out and then you have
Starting point is 00:11:07 that great relief we're like I'm a comedian I don't have to figure it out doesn't matter what I think right so it's fun to think about and you get overwhelmed being like well I don't know what to do in Ukraine then you're like well that works out because I don't have a say anyways yeah good point good point so then you're just like well that was good entertainment I don't know what to think and then you can bring then you force it into topics yeah well the thing is about the Ukraine they're not actually our allies they're not in NATO yeah yeah you got a gorge yes yes or purge what is purging purge is when
Starting point is 00:11:38 you go and you like like if we purge would rip Shelby's clothes off fuck them take his money kiss him on the lips I think oh that's different I thought I anorexics purged now the purr oh maybe you're purging is there multiple purges cuz I thought the purge was like when you go crazy isn't that the movie there's no rules for it but what is the definition of a purge I know what a purve is and I know what a purse is but what's a purge yeah this way should be Mike's Shelby it's all pipes I know that give it a goog I think purge means yeah it's tough I think there could be two purges this
Starting point is 00:12:13 throw up purge to get rid of get rid of everything you wipe the slate anal I think that's right so you purging the food or you purging society hmm purge the food so we could purge it we could get rid of his integrity yes purges Meredith yes well he's good I want you to eat a stoplight and crap red white and blue lightning and crap thunder that's the one I don't know where I got my boy he's good he was good he played the penguin as well yes big penguin purges I love that one of the great moments in that the whole film the masterful film is when in the middle of his speech he goes I want to manage it
Starting point is 00:12:55 you understand that it's a great moment of comedy yeah this whole thing is like you need a manager I didn't have a manager the reason I got taken advantage of excited about manager and he stops he knows Rocky's dumb he's like I want to be your man I love that because management is so much jargon and bullshit and sugarcoating that at the end he just like I'm a real guy I've just told you straight up very beautiful lovely film don't you want to do that with ladies when you were I don't know if you ever hit on girls and bars back in the day yes you know back in the 80s and go up and go gonna buy a drink and then you
Starting point is 00:13:27 just want to go like I think you're really pretty I'd like to fuck your your dad yeah exactly well I always love Woody and Annie Hall when he goes let's just kiss this way we can digest our food we'll be awkward later let's just get out of the way okay great now we can go eat and that's like a lovely thing he did there I know and come on ladies you know what we're doing we have to do this song and dance the art of seduction I know they like that they like a little foreplay and a little flirty bullshit but come on it's so phony let's get to it well isn't that the old adage that was in the Bible that women know if they
Starting point is 00:13:58 want to fuck a guy within 10 minutes I heard that I heard that yeah I don't believe it you can swap it and swap it I think men are like that for sure well we want to fuck most everybody yeah and we can swing I could be absolutely not and then start to be like you know what maybe I do want to fuck her of course because you see her she's got a mustache and what's the thing a mole a mole on her eyeball hair in it yeah and you're like oh yikes and then you know she makes a couple jokes and slips and falls and you go I could make love to her yeah and I'm and I hate to get into 80s comedy here but I'm the exact opposite of a
Starting point is 00:14:32 lady like if a guy goes up to a woman and goes I'd love to fuck you the woman's like whoa who's this psycho a little forward huh just take it down a peg you weirdo and I'm like if a girl comes up to me and she's horrific looking in a wheelchair and goes I want to fuck you I think she's hotter yes open she's honest she's cool we don't have to do all the bullshit oh what do you what do you Virgo yes very aggressive as nice well I had a woman I've probably told the story before somewhere but 4th of July 2003 no 2002 I was 20 years old and I was in Charleston South Carolina maybe I haven't told this story a little old school
Starting point is 00:15:09 story black so Derek who the gaze no big D big D D man oh yeah there bear so he's down in Charles he's like stationed in change a merchant Marie they send him places so he's down in Charleston South Carolina and is way back in the day and now maybe it was I must have been under I'll figure out the age later when I turned 21 oh god oh boy 2003 this story sticks so it must have been July 20 2002 or whatever the fuck I say so I want to go to Charleston he's like come on down well party's got a roommate Seamus they both rip it up party you know fresh out of college you know merchant marine drunk crazy so I go all head down
Starting point is 00:15:50 there but at the time you're yeah I'm I'm into Simon and Garfunkel and Karowak and one of those assholes you know so I'm like I'll take a bus yeah the plane is expensive and at the time and it was post 911 and all that horseshit so I was like why don't I take a bus to Charleston I know Charleston Charleston Charleston 10 minutes yeah that's an easy bus so I got a dangerous bus but still sure so I got take a bus it'll be romantic it'll be like you know midnight cowboy I'll see the country cuz I was in that I'm going with the weather suits my clothes so I just think this will be nice I've gone off to look for America and
Starting point is 00:16:33 I'm like that's what I'll do crazy what are you saying I go fuck it'll be fun you don't know you don't know me I'm America I'm gonna go find the soul in the spirit of America like one of those bullshit journalists whatever yeah choo choo well that's a train so well whatever there it is I get a bus you're a busboy 22 hour bus ride wow thinking Fanny get a bullet train or a prop plane or a canoe well it was cheaper it was like a hundred bucks or whatever I really thought it'd be an experience so I packed like a remember the stack of CD the CD case where it's like four on each sleeve yes it's like a whole book I had
Starting point is 00:17:10 that and just bags of batteries most of my luggage was batteries that a disk man batteries disk man and that this man would eat it would eat batteries yes you were purging batteries there was no pod what's that thing the iPod iPod there was iPod Ukraine every time I see the finger I think something's coming that's the problem with it that's a joke trust me on this hey hey guy tell this guy tell you Colin I every time I get that they look very similar well they're Brooklyn guy you're gonna be okay say the goddamn words these kids today they got no idea what they were talking about it they're missing out this is great great
Starting point is 00:17:56 it's Kitell Bronx you might be brought Brooklyn you sure Benson Hurst wow I got a real knack on where people from give me another celebrity real quick was he born in the Bronx I feel like I visualized Bronx with Kitell Stanley Kubrick was Bronx Robert Klein was Bronx Klein don't forget Shapiro oh is he Bronx now this is the music this is the we're looking for something music this is like in a bad video game where I'm looking through the warehouse with my gun they're so they're so similar to me they look similar they're both you know specifically just says New York City Benson Hurst I'm pushing for it
Starting point is 00:18:32 early life born in New York City grew up in Brighton Beach I grew up in Brighton Beach I thought maybe born in Bronx for some reason I don't know why I had a tough guy because it's all it was all whites in the Bronx back in the day in Jews I don't count them oh I see oh boy well you know not pure white folks is losing they mind thank you all right that shall be on the twos and threes get a whoopee Goldberg Jew drop if you can ah jeez all right well we gotta mix it up we gotta we got a whites we got it all right Jew drop sounds like a good candy give me a Jew drop that sounds really good there's a juju be an 11 drop yes find
Starting point is 00:19:19 those Jews I like that hey hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by better help online therapy is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals well you got to get on the better help online therapy better help assesses your needs and matches you with your own licensed professional therapists you'll be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours it's not a crisis line it's a self-help it's professional therapy done securely online there is a broad range of expertise available which may not be locally available in many areas available
Starting point is 00:19:55 worldwide you can log in your account anytime and send a message to your therapist schedule weekly video or phone sessions no waiting room better help is committed better help is committed to great matches so they make it easy and free to change therapists if needed it's more affordable than traditional online therapy financial aid is available better help wants you to start living a happier life we're both in therapy you got to do it it's good for you clean out the garbage talk to somebody get the feelings together tell them how to do it fatty visit better help dot com slash Tuesdays that's better HELP and join the
Starting point is 00:20:31 over two million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional in fact so many people have been using better help that they are recruiting additional therapists in all 50 states special offer for Tuesdays get 10% off your first month at better help dot com slash Tuesdays do it today yeah okay Tuesdays with stories is sponsored by liquid IV if you're thinking about getting that summer body ready for beach season you'll want to meet your next workout at workout buddy liquid IV they sent me about eight gallons of this stuff I drink a couple every day I like the
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Starting point is 00:21:50 servings donated so far and just for the gays grab liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to liquid IV.com and use code Tuesdays at checkout that's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code Tuesdays at liquid IV.com experience better hydration today at liquid IV.com promo code Tuesdays hell yeah back to the show okay so you're on the bus for 30 years going to South Carolina 22 hours and the first leg is to New York and I get to I go all the way to New York and it's exciting you see the skyline you're like wow I'm getting there yes transfer in New York Penn
Starting point is 00:22:38 Station I go whoo I'm a little pooped long buster I'm only in New York I'm right hours in I'm like I'm like 200 miles from my house then you switch there then you go down to like DC you switch again then you take a bus then you get into like the deep south oh yeah bus stops and these stops are like on like rural roads like houses and and you see a lot of like the poor folk and this bus changes over and I remember feeling like there was like an old black woman and I was the only white person on the bus in like South Carolina in the Carolinas yeah and there was a black woman getting off and she's like
Starting point is 00:23:17 you go ahead and I was like no you go she's like oh oh thank you boy thank you very much like I was like in the 50s like I shared ice cream with a black person right right there is a lot of that still that slavery what's the word remnants yeah I mean she acted like I had just handed her a thousand dollars she's like oh my god thank you very much yeah I was like no problem it was very straight but it's kind of nice as I felt like a hero sure everybody go I don't care you take the front of the bus Rosa it was it was really like her reaction fell straight I felt like I'd gone back in time yeah there's a lot of that there
Starting point is 00:23:53 and it's it's so rural there that it hasn't gotten as progressed because there's not as many people to push for it there's not any skyscrapers or anything so it's just the same shit over and over it's like the 40s yeah it was wild and so 22 hours which feels like three days because you're only awake for 14 hours in a day or whatever it went from like night to all the way day all the way night and then morning again it was crazy did you at least have an open seat with you as a jammed couple times I'd open seats towards the south it was pretty open okay but still upright I mean like you're upright for 22 out you're
Starting point is 00:24:28 trying to sleep and talk and I'm like this is awful awful back hurts and then you'd have like one of those stops in Bumble tits North Carolina sure and there's like a 50 minute layover but you can't really go with there's nothing there no it's not like a it's not like Penn Station or what do you call it what is the support authority yeah where it's like McDonald's the New York Times building and all this shit you're just like in the side of a row with the cars like I know that you get out you do a little one of these and then you got to go away well what are you up to are you going to a family reunion got a town how
Starting point is 00:25:02 about that huh yes and you're just running out of seated the cans of killing me hate the can hate a can so they're just so just sitting there I'm dying finally I get there it's like seven in the morning and Derek's at work and he left me a fun Shawshank note he's like you've come this far maybe you're willing to come a little farther and it was really excited I like Randall Stevens or whatever bullshit good good a motto for a porn star Peter North you've come this far oh probably come a little further like if you get to the tits hit the face yes I'd love coming my face just the warmth well I want we got some time my father's
Starting point is 00:25:37 gay I think we need we have to we've circulate about three I think we got to mix it up a little I know we didn't get a lot of the classics we wanted where the cameras we wanted can yeah I wanted to say cut it but you know Joe trust me on this I did the third it's hard to do we got a reservoir dog all right I expected so I get there and then there at work so I get the key under the door I go in I nap and then they come home and now it's the feeling of like they're at work knowing they got a buddy and I was a fucking maniac yeah you were a maniac I mean this is like 20 year old just discovered drinking I'm a wild animal
Starting point is 00:26:19 now but on a bus so I'm like a caged animal they just let go so we go out I don't even know what story I'm telling it was in Charleston yeah you go on the bus you're 20 years old oh I remember the story we got it we go out and we go it's 4th of July now and you know me I was the karaoke king back in the day laid off of it when I was the youth so I had a fake ID Joseph Michael Arnold wherever you are Joe thank you JMA from Columbia South Carolina that was me Columbia no one's gonna question that well it was a real idea I ran into a problem in Boston I brought it back to Boston and I would show up with like a
Starting point is 00:26:55 socks hat and a Bruins shirt and be like hey we're just going to grab a couple pops at the bar right and the guys like from Columbia and I'm like ah shit yeah you got you there this was a bad idea Boston saying idea dropping ours right I'm like a vodka and cream or whatever the fuck so any tips that I'm asked for a sweet tea blend in it worked there so I went down to South Carolina they don't give a shit down there because as we said these red states they don't care about anything now it's a wild east yes southeast Middle East game cocks so they look at the idea they go go ahead and we go into the bar and karaoke's going it's
Starting point is 00:27:31 fine we're meeting girls Derek had a hot girlfriend back in the days one of these guys that always has hot women yeah cuz he's not a stunner he's pretty handsome though when you look at he looks like Sinatra is that right yeah well you got to get to the young Derek Sinatra now we've all aged but he's got a real face I'm telling you used to get the hottest chicks on earth nothing against the the D-man I'm just saying I've run into the cat a few times and he's not a showstop or he's a he's a classically good-looking guy I guess but I wouldn't say he's a he's a what's his name Tom Hardy that's just 20 years ago okay now he's a good boy shit don't
Starting point is 00:28:06 get me wrong he's states now but 20 years ago he was something pretty well give me that so that'd be a photo Derek his game was a hot really yeah oh yeah that's another thing down south I feel like you're gonna you can clean up a little harder because up here there's a competition up the Indian got these finance guys you're trying to bang Fallon's wife up here down there it's Cletus and you gotta remember to he's stationed from out of town he's a Boston guy he's a merchant Marie's got dressed white dress whites and he's got the gay he's got a job and then you have the merchant marine have a nice thing
Starting point is 00:28:39 because they have like a military aspect they're in a uniform yes but they're also like I'm down in the docks it's the shipping they're in the shipping industry it's a good mix of of polite gentlemen straighten arrow with manly and rugged yes plus he's funny we know how far funny can get us but he's big he's funny and the what is it the whites dress whites dress whites only yes so he's got that going on anyways hot girlfriend we tore Chelsea Charleston which is beautiful and there's all the slave shit there which is a lot of slave people are they don't like that but it's pretty neat when you see it yeah
Starting point is 00:29:16 and it's gonna be tough for the other black folk is they're just seeing that slave shit all day every day you know we we sweet tear down a statue of Thomas Edison because how he said the n-word on a podcast but back there it's like right there they're like this is the mall I mean it's crazy cuz like I go to Fenway Park and I'm like wow someone was sitting here when Ted Williams hit a home run yeah they're going that someone got bought right here yeah you know yikes boo white folks yeah losing they mine look I'm from Louisiana we have all these slave like plaques like this is with the biggest slave trade in
Starting point is 00:29:50 America right here and over here it's where they you know bred them and over here is where they fed them and over here is where they did the haircuts or whatever it's it's a lot bred slaves yes I'm off bread hi mark I would have been a good one too I'm off bread you're off bread so any tips we go to the bar and it's 4th of July and it's just festive because the south they like love America and bullshit so it's all exciting everyone's red white and blue the whole thing and I put in my thing I'm gonna sing born to run 4th of July and so I go out they go let's have Joe let's come up and you know
Starting point is 00:30:30 I'm an unassuming nerd I'm gangly I'm uglier than I am now even if you can imagine and I go up there and it goes and I'm jumping up on the wall I climbed up on the thing I got on the speakers like fucking Eddie Vedder yeah I took my shirt off I whip it into the crowd I mean this place went bananas still the highlight of my life and it was like a there was like a it was like an L shaped wall like half wall like yeah over here and here so there's people like dangling over so I'm like running around high-five and everybody I'm climbing the wall and the place just went nuts everyone's going wow baby whoa I got
Starting point is 00:31:11 every single person going and they're spraying everything it was wild and then this woman walks up to me after cute as pie little thick southern thickness all right we like the biscuits and gravy but cute and hot and her name was Joey I like that and she walked up and said I don't care what you say I'm going home with you wow that's a little rapey and I said well that's fine by me yeah go home together went to the bar and shots and beer shot shot shots the whole thing we're making out at the bar I don't want to tell the ending though oh that was a thick thick sex well I blew it I was so insecure and then I couldn't find my
Starting point is 00:31:58 friends I got to find my buddies and they had left or small because back in the day there's no cell phones right so I had to go find them by the time I found them I couldn't find there and I remember being mad I remember like you guys fucked me and they were like we thought you're going off yeah yeah Joey the kangaroo but I have this staff I can't it's like a job interview we're like what's your biggest flaw and you say something nice yeah I love my friend I have loyalty these friends and I wanted to be with them I didn't want to just blow away yeah the bus ride you see showed for them they were like in that
Starting point is 00:32:27 time but they I never fucked that off they fucked all the time we just left you you had Joey and I was like I had to find you and they're like all right let me go find Joey by the time I got back she probably thought I hated her and right of course she's getting dittled by a piano leg at her apartment with a vibrator never fucked Joey so if anyone knows Joey in South Carolina they can be too many joeys down there yeah I guess not she would look thick should be about 58 by now and three pounds and you could play that song and see if she reacts to it she might come a running like a dog whistle so I didn't get to
Starting point is 00:32:58 see Joey but the point is she said that flipped something if I was like hey I don't care what you say I'm gonna fuck your brains out tonight I think I'd get you know kicked out of society oh yeah that's a crime and it makes you wonder what could you have said I'm married I don't care I'm gay I don't care right I'm a pedophile I don't care here's the n-word I don't care like where could you go to see what she would do because she said I don't care what you say yes so it'd be a fun little game to actually test that my father's gay yes my father's gay there it is so trust me on this so anyways that's how the story ends but I've
Starting point is 00:33:35 been thinking about this a lot lately and I got more stories but I want a hog here hog put a hog on me that I there was so many times that people wanted to have sex with me and I just didn't pick up the signal because I had no confidence yeah well it's also we've been beating in like hey don't be aggressive with ladies don't take advantage of ladies and then so when a lady's all over you're like there's no way plus you hit on girls your whole life they all turn you down they call you ugly and gangly and tall and toothy five head so you know you assume of a woman's talking here she doesn't mean it yes I had the same
Starting point is 00:34:10 thing yeah I was very insecure there was another time there was this woman that I'm still friends with that I went to New York Film Academy together yep as you do and we were both in love with each other I think we were best friends we were just buddies and we talked and laughed and I was like God I love this but she had a boyfriend but a boyfriend she was never around didn't talk about him he was like back home boyfriend and she was never like I love him I miss him whatever never mentioned that just I knew it and then our third friend was like if it weren't for that boyfriend you guys would be together you guys should
Starting point is 00:34:41 be together wow then towards the end we saw lost in translation sure film wonderful film and after we saw it she goes boy I just love that they kissed at the end that was really perfect and then I was like yeah me too yeah that later and looking back I'm like you fucking I mean it was the same relationship they were in relationships they didn't care about this together and of course they broke up like a month later her and this guy and she was just looking up at she was little she was looking up at me I love that they kissed I was like yeah no it was great wow I should have planted
Starting point is 00:35:19 one on it but I had my parents fucked me yeah yeah the insecurity you can't imagine that and the ladies in all the movies they like the guy to grab and pit them you know like do the dip the dip and then the smooch and it's so romantic and you were the exact opposite of that I was a dip shit it was sucked I had a thing at film Academy as well there was a woman there named Magali she was Swiss French mega Lee and she was beautiful beautiful Swiss French so she's from Switzerland and they speak French there wow love cheese oh yeah yeah big cheesehead and she was like oh my how you doing my you know she was so
Starting point is 00:36:02 sexy and French and like swarthy and smooth you know she was hairy wow and I had the biggest crush on but I couldn't think of a war I'd be cutting up all day in class and she would show up and I would just froze so it's frozen and so one time we got a little alone time we're at a bar and I'm kind of acting like a human being and she I don't buy it I know well she was going in for some kind of flirty thing I could you know when you're saying horrible shit but you can still feel it I felt the connection I felt like we're something's cooking here you get a little bit of a chub you know nothing is said but you feel the chub
Starting point is 00:36:38 you feel the connection you feel the warmth the love and I panicked and I couldn't take all the feelings and I go yeah you know I think I farted and she goes I know I'm a child and she goes ah you Americans with the humor he bad humor and I was like ah I was just I was ruined and she was right it was a bad joke but it was all out of just uncomfortableness and she was like yeah you piece of shit and you're not funny oh it's rough you go you look back and it's just like fucking a man but everything worked out we're doing well we like our wives or whatever here we are we're making money we're good yeah so
Starting point is 00:37:16 whatever it's all pipes but who gives a shit but man back in the day now I mean I got more there's like the same woman the Lost in Translation woman later Derek was now living in Long Beach California again the shipping LBC what's that the LBC yes so I was going there flying there and my friend this woman she lived in LA she's an actor and I was talking to her and she's like I'll pick you up at the airport got it get the half cock half cock so she's like I'll pick you up at the airport and I'm like wow I'm flying to Long Beach she goes I don't care I'll drive down so she drives from Hollywood to Long Beach hour I don't
Starting point is 00:37:56 know how far but it's not close it's not great so she drives down there and I'm in like in love with this woman yes I don't know how to handle anything yeah I've been there secure so she shows up and she's like dolled up oh boy dress made up hair done and she's looking beautiful and she's like hey I'm here to pick you up yeah and now she's single I'm single but I'm still retarded and so Derek is staying with a new girlfriend not hot and he's living with her and I got to go meet her because he's working so I gotta go meet her to get the keys and get in so I'm like hey so this girl I go can you come take me to meet my friend's girlfriend
Starting point is 00:38:41 and these are different kinds of women the girl I'm friends with she's like vegan and an actor and tattooed and just cares about things and this girl is like a drinky party chick a typical drunk girl so we meet up and they just hate each other instead of me going to this my friend's house to go make love and have a date day I immediately meet up with my friend's girlfriend they don't like each other I go okay I gotta go to her house cuz she's got the keys so I'll see you later thanks for the ride sure and I think she was like a heartbroken then later on the week I was like should we meet up she's like I got stuff to do your
Starting point is 00:39:18 friends with that drunk it is oh you can't blame her I mean I know it but she got dolled up but it's a tough line ladies cuz how do we know you don't want to assume you don't want to you know make a move if you don't like hey I thought we were friends you make a move on me I just came down to hang out with you you try to kiss me you fucking weirdo you're like all right but then if you don't try to kiss hey you don't make a move I drove down I got dolled up you're like I don't know we can't say anything it's all up in the ether so of course it's gonna get mixed up every now and then it sucks too because I look like this
Starting point is 00:39:49 asshole heartbreaker like she was probably like he broke my heart I got I think I came off that way and I didn't mean to I was just too insecure and I was in love with this woman yes well that sucks but also well I think we have this prominent society with with a lady guy thing where lady guy guy but you're not allowed to you can just not like someone also like you know sometimes you don't like a girl she's like you don't like me you fucking broke my heart you like I don't like it but I did like her I know I'm just saying but there is that too yes like some people just don't like you you don't get to like chew me out
Starting point is 00:40:26 because I'm not sexually attracted to yes but that's a whole another bag of hammers yeah it was tough and then last one this is a quicker one there was once a woman that it was at a show and she like pulled me aside like a side room and like we made out oh that's hot and I was like into her too and then the next day I did not a handle these things my text I was like boy you were drunk last night huh and she was like no I wasn't and I was like well you were you were acting crazy and she was like no I knew what I was doing and I was like oh and she's like what you making me feel really small right now and I didn't know
Starting point is 00:41:00 how to recover I was like oh sorry I didn't what I should have been like you know what I fucked up I don't know why I said that I'm really into you we should go out on a date right but instead I was like oh sorry and I just did not a hand feelings and emotions and communication so I'm out here just breaking hearts if you can believe it yeah your heartbreak and then I'm walking around going I can't get laid nobody loves me I'm lonely and I would go break you know car windshields and steal it because I was so frustrated with myself well dudes we had no one to talk to we were clues your heart problem fart
Starting point is 00:41:29 breaker I've farted and ruined that old relationship that I had so yeah we were idiots we're hanging out with knuckleheads all day doing headlocks and keg stands and then you get in front of a lady and it's all blurry yeah I fucked up so much but then even my wife the first time I remember that she was like inviting me to stay over and then she's like you want to watch a movie watch nirvana unplugged I never made a move we'd literally laid in bed and watch all of nirvana unplugged and the main thing is the fear of making a movie they're like oh I don't see you that way and you're like that's what it is that's what
Starting point is 00:41:58 it is that's the real situation it's a tough it's a time you got to do some real detective work there now let me let me change Jainals here please I got a I got to tease something oh I can't wait so I don't know if I told you but you know but hanging out with you I've been trying to get you to rub off on me give me a little her pee whatever it is love to rub here's the rub dry rub so I took some of your advice and I gotta tell you we've been doing 18 podcasts we've been doing the road all day we're doing clips we're talking to Shelby we're busy yes it's a lot of work talking to Shelby it is we're swamped Shelby's tough so the
Starting point is 00:42:37 lady my gal speaking a lady she's swamped too she's got nine podcasts she's got eight friends two tits all this shit the cat and I'm like what are we doing she's she's pulling her hair out every day I've gone no sleep stressed out every day trying to do a pull-up in the park like a psycho and I was like fuck it fuck it you're wet to Berlin this weather you know it's actually not bad right now but these cold days with the little rain spritz it's enough enough these New York winters yes it's all pipe so I go we're going to the beach yes so I said get out your pocketbook your crazy coos we're looking up some dates get
Starting point is 00:43:19 the roll of decks get the daily planner here we go we picked a date spun the globe we're going right here we're going to Saint Thomas and the Virgin Islands Thomas Dustin I can't wait for this I'm very excited by the way by the time you hear this you've gone to say Thomas come back and we've went all over the world we've broken up at this point I know we're recording about nine weeks ahead I can't wait to see the photos I love a sand beach sky palm cocktails I love those stupid cocktails that give you a heartburn with the yellow pineapple the blue straw the yeah the umbrella in there swirly straw I can't wait to infuse
Starting point is 00:44:01 myself with sugar and vodka and tequila get some swirly's eat her out from behind get her in the doggy style eat her pussy with her asshole in your nose I want you to really live down there oh we're gonna live baby and how about this I'm in Omaha the weekend before and I'm going straight from Omaha to the island so it's like doing a jerk off I love that it couldn't be more different and it couldn't be more like okay after Omaha Kansas City you know I need a fucking break and I never do this the flight at Omaha just to get to the Virgin Islands with a little bit of daylight left is at 541 a.m. with a connection in Florida to
Starting point is 00:44:39 then go to the Virgin so it's gonna be a nightmare but I landed 3 p.m. in the verge I'm gonna grab a rental car and just keep it at the hotel and just zip around go surfing go snorkeling go aniling whatever it is love a zip now she meets you there or she's gonna be in Omaha she's going from Newark to there so I'll see her fat ass there who gets there first her she can check in and jerk off and please herself and then I'll show up God this is exciting I love this I love Island Martin yeah or says he just McFly I'm so happy can't wait and just I've been watching these YouTube videos about St. Thomas like what do I
Starting point is 00:45:20 do and then these you choose are so helpful you get but did I don't watch too much that you feel like I saw that in the video I thought you gotta get it's such a balance you want a good idea of what you're gonna see but out spoil all right no spoil right y'all that guy in Arizona I feel bad about that what happened we were in Phoenix and you me and Chesley and one of the guy a comic went to a ghost town oh yeah I kind of snapped because he we everywhere we were walking he read about it before right I read that's not that great I read this is pretty cool I read that's not bad and I went I don't care what you
Starting point is 00:45:54 read I want to live my life I felt bad I still feel guilty about it I remember that I remember that kid now yeah you he was like a human trip advisor here's the four stars that's too we're like all right all right we get it you read the fucking email plus we're already here once you make the decision all your notes don't help me now I'm about to see it yeah exactly I'm about to have my own opinion and it's a bit of a downer this place isn't great like well let me decide yes yeah no I'm with you well I feel that now I feel justified fuck him I went these are the things that wake up being like why was I such an asshole
Starting point is 00:46:23 that guy yeah you'll have a snap every now that I like to snap up but either way virgin by the time you see me next I'll have a tan I'll be on the island man I'll have a coconut drink and a grass skirt and a destiny I can't wait you're one of those guys always tan though you never I got the olive yeah that's nice that's big the Sicilian side yeah people pay for that yeah yeah it's weird these tanning places all over town I'm like I guess it is winter but I'm like the sun is free that's strange it's very strange son is good son I haven't seen mine but yeah I can't wait looking forward to it hey folks Tuesday stories is excited to
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Starting point is 00:50:07 e-n-d-e-a-v-o-r athletic dot com promo code Tuesdays for 15 percent off at checkout endeavor you don't give up when the reps get hard and your performance gear shouldn't either hell yeah now i feel like we gotta go into last night we're gonna talk last night by the way do you love elegy when it was on now i didn't love it interesting i love borat the first one yeah elegy i gotta think i think i got a problem with wiggers white folks i like black people man this is how i look at it
Starting point is 00:50:40 it's like i love carrots i hate carrot cake i like black people i don't like wiggers yeah but it's a character yeah yeah really i let him slide on that but just the the idea of it i'm like alright did that yo what's up but uh i just can't do it but that's what's so funny he's making fun of the guys you hate i know but it's still there i see i got you it's like if a guy's doing gay porn ironically there's still a dick going on an ass and i'm like i get it's a joke but it's still happening that was between us but nothing was between us but uh
Starting point is 00:51:12 he had some killer jokes though he's interviewing buzz aldrin and he's like what is it like to be the first man on the sun and then he's like it's too hot to go in the sun he goes what about the winter when the sun is cold and that's that's cold that's cold don't get me wrong very good all right we got to talk about last night because we have one of these things where we each have our perspective and it it clenches together we separate yes yes so give me your because yours is much more interesting so let's take me through it so i did a i did a couple pods that day where we drink we in sam got pretty
Starting point is 00:51:42 sloppy with salvolcano and chris d so we're just putting them back and it's a couple hours long and we got deep and so you're like it's like four o'clock five o'clock six o'clock rock yeah we're hammered and uh then we go oh we gotta do ari show ari you've heard of him big ugly jew he sold out the grammar c theater with a surprise lineup whoa so sells out in two seconds it's a it's a storytelling show whatever no one knows who's going to be there all these big big fun people show up it's a good time and we get drunk so now chris d is on the show sam is on
Starting point is 00:52:23 the show i'm on the show and sal goes well i'll go with you nice so sal shows up and it's just one of those great nights in new york where you're like this theater sold out we're half in the bag there's a briskness in the air we're with all our pals this is fucking amazing pal volcano yes pal pay pal so uh we're just like oh my god then i'm getting text from the stand where are you you're on next i'm like oh shit so i this is the beauty of the the stand is it's on union square grammar c's on 23rd i can run there that's nine blocks
Starting point is 00:52:55 seven blocks seven sixteenth to the 23rd right seven you're right so i just run straight down third avenue do the spot run back they throw sal on to kill time i bump into you and soda on the way there you guys make fun of me it's a great night i'm out of breath run on do the stand hershberg up to the uh to the to the grammar c sal's on killing they throw me up fun show i i riffed a story out of my ass i barely do it it was okay and then i go alright let's get your ass up here he comes up then we get shane gillis out
Starting point is 00:53:27 there he's doing the trump and uh we're zigging and zang it sal goes into the crowd like donahue what he's taking questions oh i missed the donahue that was wild we high five we chug some whiskey and then i go back to the stand wrap that up and then i go to the cellar for a late spot saw gullman saw tony wood saw indy hains great time anyone fun uh tony woods was all right but it's funny every time i see him he's like hey you you're there i'm like yeah we've been 600 times yeah he's one of those i'm doing a ruble with them and i just feel like every night i'm gonna be like joe
Starting point is 00:53:56 list the guys from last night yes yes he's older likes to drink sure i'm not mad at him there's plenty of guys a bunch of guys in comedy that you have to be like remember i don't know like 28 years we met in 1994 i know i feel like that was some bookers i'm like you know you've booked before they're like yeah you can send me tape like all right but unless you're well that was a real condensed version right that was a lot of fast i packed it in i thought we were gonna really stretch this and pull this stretch and pull like a nutsack but you go you go
Starting point is 00:54:29 i maybe i i gave a big nugget yeah i want to dive into some detail because if my version is longer than your version i'm gonna look like a dweeb over here well i gave the overlay now you come in there with the i'll underpay gritty yeah so i'm at the stand first i'm at the i open for bobby kelly sometimes see you're taking from me i gotta take from you because i have such time issues you got time i'm always like no i gotta get there nine hours early so i'm not stressed i did bobby kelly's podcast then i go we hang out the olive tree classic hang it's me and bobby eating
Starting point is 00:55:03 wings liz and uh by the way between you and me and the lamp post i was doing bobby's pod with justin silver me justin silver and bobby and liz calls oh boy and they're like and bobby calls bobby so he puts her on the air he puts he answers the fight puts everyone on the air he puts everybody on the air i don't know if that's legal he loves it yeah so he says hey fuck mary kell me justin and and me i can't even get the sentence out oh he did that to her he did it to her so right away you know me i got feelings and i go jeez i'm like sitting there i'm bashful i'm turning all what's that
Starting point is 00:55:35 when you're red uh blushing blush i'm blushed yes and she goes well i gotta marry bobby he's my best bud you know i'm compatible so now i got my fingers crossed and i'm like i got my legs crossed trying to hold down a boner and silvers uh he's a ripped little jewish guy's got a cool hair he's got tattoos yeah no so i'm like and she's going uh and i'm like come on please i have so little i've been married for 10 years i'm gay i could have fucked the woman in long beach charleston you blew it i was like please for the love of god and she goes i guess i'd fuck
Starting point is 00:56:11 joe because he's funny and i'm like oh my god i flipped i fell out of my chair i've never gotten the fucking fuck mary kell i mean i've done fuck mary kell himler and hitler and i was kill i was yeah somebody played it with me and uh you know magic johnson and chamberlain i was kill wow they fucked johnson over you they got hate i know that's what i'm saying wow i mean i've never won the fuck and and she said fine you have to act like you're cool we could see the video i'm like this oh neat fun yes in my in my mind i'm like because when the thing about fuck mary kell it it puts your head there of course
Starting point is 00:56:44 but good for you for what i mean look let silvers a sweet guy but if he died no one would notice yeah he stinks so i'm going oh my god it's probably ironic because he's so hot she feels weird saying it he's hot and single so you picked the guy who's married but still it really did a number on me but i felt like kastanza with elaine with the video which she does the audio the sexy because then i go downstairs and she's in there and i'm like hey and it's just the two of it hasn't opened yet so i'm like how's it going liz i'll be over here writing yeah we could fuck and then so they were all hanging out the three of us and then she referenced it i made some joke and she's like that's why i had fuck list and i'm like are you kidding me what's going on
Starting point is 00:57:22 i'm dumping water on my head in front of her i bought i took my steak and smacked myself in the face with it give me a towel i gotta sit on it i mean it's uh i'm shitting my pants here so i think i have a chance i might get divorced all right well you'll get some spots and so will she on our vagina but uh either way that's exciting so that was a thrill anyways i hang out on there but then thrill bobby goes is it hot near bobby goes a seven p.m i'm at the fact like why don't he open let's go just open for him we need someone that i'd fuck on there sure and i go well i can't do oh my god time flies when you're uh making shit up the blast is so stupid i know it's ridiculous there's all this evidence that they do nothing
Starting point is 00:58:06 it's ending this week i can't believe it it's fine but anyways so uh where am i again oh you fucked you fucked lizard the seller in the basement a dream so i i bet she's an animal in a sack too i bet you'll really break in half well you know me i'm dying for someone to shove a shoe in my ass and spit gum in my face she's the one for that she'll hit you with a hot poker and a baseball bat if we were there i'd start by being like i gotta cancel my spot that's how i would start it and then she started smacking me and putting a heel in my pee hole oh baby doll this is getting good huh i hope she never hears this okay i i mean i don't think she's enjoying no she doesn't know how to use a pod because she's 68 but uh yeah that's exciting good for you
Starting point is 00:58:52 she's a fun lady she's got some power to you you're getting seduced by her uh her power i know i want to be a soft bottom to a power top yeah well you're softy so uh any jazz so let me get to the point of this trial get right to it so they go hey hope for bobby at seven i go i can't this is where i need some norman in my ass i go i can't i'm at the stand and i don't like to tell the time because they always go what time they always do that and i go but just i don't i don't like to rush i hate to rush but that's a thrill jerry don't you feel a thrill like oh shit the wind is in your hair you're running out of the stand it's exciting no thrill hate the thrill all right will the thrill is gone so i said i go i can't i'm at the stand they go what time i go seven thirty they go you
Starting point is 00:59:35 go at seven do ten minutes seven ten that is 20 minutes that is tight thank you but they go just do it you fucking pussy so finally i go all right i'll do but we had to start right at seven yes that's fair so then we do the stand with the fat black start right at seven i do ten i come off i get a lift takes two minutes for the lift to arrive that puts me at seven twelve it's a nine minute car ride that's what is that seven twenty one seven twenty one yeah but it was later than that i ended up getting there at seven twenty seven okay i text joe harare i go i'll be there in three minutes he goes no problem i walk in at seven twenty seven spots seven thirty at three minutes to walk in worked out fine you're early technically worked out fine so i'm i'll try to squeeze in some more
Starting point is 01:00:18 spots then i got three at the stand but when you made it weren't you happy you did it happy idea very happy that's what i thought bobby didn't pay me for the fat black it cost twelve dollars for the lifts like whoa whoa he's got a Venmo your fat ass maybe i don't know there's a Venmo coming you hear that bob oh and plus this guy's about to fuck the manager so you might want to get on his good side he hasn't mentioned it well he could they could throw you 20 well we'll say so any jazz so then i have three spots at the stand and you know you know me i know you and i'm looking at the lineup it's like mark norman 745 mark norman 830 mark norman 945 and the host goes you see mark and i go i got some news for you pally between you and the
Starting point is 01:01:01 lamppost he ain't coming to that spot was it upstairs upstairs that'll do it i go he ain't showing up for that because i know you and i know the lineup even though it's a secret lineup i got i got moles all over the town yeah as soon as my wife so i know the lineup and i'm like he ain't leaving that hang for this horseshit i'll tell you that right well i would like to but it ain't it ain't gonna happen it was just too hard to pull mathematically i'm like 745 845 945 8 p.m. show plus the hang yeah so uh you know i heard it wasn't a great one either wasn't great i started whispering to all the comics i go hey be near the door because you're gonna get that norman spot hey you're welcome there whipper snapper and all the young cops go what do you think we're doing
Starting point is 01:01:40 here we know oh everybody knows i like that so i go down i do my spot killer i do another spot good and then side bump into soter and he goes hey i'm going over to the Gramercy in between to see all the boys yes come on by we'd love to have you now this is where i'm a real puss because i'm like i don't know can we go over there do we have passes are we gonna get back there they are pretty strict over there i was like are we invited it's a theater i can't go over there not be able to get in no shoot myself that hurts being like this i'm friends with arie i that's there's mark i mark you know what i mean that's all i can see his nose you know you don't want that right so i go you go i'm not going to go and he's like what are you talking about
Starting point is 01:02:19 he's like it's all of our best friends let's go over there and they don't know that at the box office thank you yeah you're a good friend i mean what is that wanes world hey my girlfriend's a lot of people's girlfriends are in there you know like who the fuck are we well so does like i'm on the list and i'm like but do you have a plus one and he's like i think so it's like that kind of thing so i go you know what fucking i'll go over there this is just my ego if they don't let me in i'll go what can you do i'll walk back you know it's funny though if it says i'm on the it says dan soter on the list but you can be like well it says list on you know this is the the guest list there's your last name it's a little flimsy yeah it's not great well your name is technically on
Starting point is 01:02:55 the paper that's true that's all i'm saying there's probably a joe on there somewhere aha you combine yeah go there is joe and his list all right i'm reaching but uh you know jack reacher i like a reach well anyway so we walk over there that's when we bump into you yes which was fun and i got you better get over there because i've already given you spot to recede we laugh we go boy he's not sound that's crazy we get over there and we end up getting in and they pretty lax actually so i got a sticker and by the way soter love the guy he flew the coop right away really he gets his sticker he puts it on he goes i'll go talk to ari he's just gone like a thief in the night and i go what the fuck is that we showed up together you bail on me
Starting point is 01:03:35 left me he's like don't worry i'll find ari i'll come back for you so i'm like all right and then by the way the lady was like yeah your friends with him i'm like yeah she's like there you go it gives me the stick i could have been a shooter a school shooter yeah right i got the vibe but anyways i got my sticker went back there and saw you like you said tim dillon did we even mention him he was there tim was a big guy i mean the pop he got i mean just an alec boldens podcast he shot a lady what a hang though tim dillon all all whites but uh well that's what you can get with a secret tim dillon ari shefier sam maril yourself gillis yeah great hang and then walk back up me sam and soter walked back to the stand for the next spot that was great
Starting point is 01:04:13 soter got bumped he was pissed and uh just a great great night beautiful great night comedy new york it's it's happening it's hopping it's it's it's a rush and it's it's crackling you know where they can feel there's an electricity crackle crackle yeah there you go cracker but uh yeah so come see us the the new stuff is cooking you got a you got a special coming out maybe in two years who knows april april we got a we got a month for the love of tits subscribe to my youtube i gotta i gotta get my i'm trying to put youtube shorts and youtube knickers and youtube socks youtube shorts uh um i'm trying every i'm trying everything get over there and subscribe get on the most fun shelby's ever had in his life i know he's got the boombox or whatever i mean he said
Starting point is 01:05:03 28 birthday parties that failed to reach this level of joy well let's be honest where there's more people here than in his last birthday but either way you gotta have fun in life folks you gotta do the drops you gotta come see us live he hit six million on youtube not subscribers subscribe get on it where are you gonna be there for me i'm gonna be in boston and this is very important to me patriots day weekend april 13 14 15 no 14 15 16 and if i don't sell here oh i legally have to hang myself in fennel hall because well an epstein this is it's over if you don't sell this this is my hometown big holiday weekend and uh my god almighty the the the special will come out right before that so please boston show up for christ sake who's pumping out more material than this quiff you
Starting point is 01:05:51 got a special coming out you're probably already when that comes out you'll have a new half hour i got a new half at least so come out then buffalo the week after that with matt wane everybody you want to see matt wane local boy and uh we got tons of merch patreon get on i got other stuff coming up to uh austin san francisco vancouver dates made up that's june 11th i'm so i'm going from san fran to vancouver my agent's so good at routing i love a route and uh atlanta in june first time working at lanta oh that'll fill up uh that's june 24 25 i think nashville august zany's finally now i love zany what about the live app live app is march 21 second second march 22nd uh fat black pussy cat comedy seller dot com hopefully my lady friend liana just put that on the website
Starting point is 01:06:41 fuck that into her we should have hers again she can come smack me around a little bit that's a great idea pull my hair let's do it yeah so uh come out to all those things subscribe to the youtube the patreon subscribe to our youtube too we're kicking ass over there hell yeah yeah youtube's kicking up more clips more fun more uh good stuff for the patreon's cooking i'll be all over the place mark norman dot com mark norman comedy dot com and i've been raleigh i mean this summer is gonna be bananas chicago oh hi mark all kinds of cool stuff i i don't know when this comes out so i'm scared to throw out a bunch of dates but indian apples is in there oh i got this comes out the 23rd 23rd okay so yeah fort wane 22nd february 22nd i'm doing utah again wise guy this is the big
Starting point is 01:07:29 episode everyone's been talking about it's tuesday it's 222 oh there you go everybody's been messaging us so that's why it's special we got the sound drop because it's 222 222 222 227 louisville comedy club dania improv indianapolis lincoln theater in dc phoenix law stand-up live magoobies adison improv back to dalis san joseh huntsville alabama that'll be tough san joseh gay yeah urvine improv so we got a lot of fun stuff check it out give them hell brazella

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