Tuesdays with Stories! - #440 Stretch and Pull
Episode Date: February 22, 2022Hey Tuesgays, we've got another hot ep for you as Joe recounts some of his past sexual failure and his awkward Fuck, Marry, Kill on Bobby Kelly's podcast while Mark plans a spontaneous trip with his l...ady. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: BetterHELP (Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at BetterHelp.com/Tuesdays, LIQUID IV (Support the show and get 25% off anything you order at LiquidIV.com with promo code TUESDAYS), Indochino (Support the show and $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code TUESDAYS at Indochino.com), & ENDEAVOR Athletics (Support the show and get15% off at checkout by using promo code TUESDAYS at endeavorathletic.com) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to out YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories
Transcript
Discussion (0)
hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good
to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a
surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag
surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and
Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed
to be cheesy
hey what the fuck you have there looks like a lake in Houston capuchin is
Flintwater now it's a cappuccino there it's got a little it's free we got a
coffee maker in the lobby of this law firm we're working in but what you put
in there water it looks watery and milky it's a milk in there little foam the
colors can we get a shot of this I mean the color is all wet looks terrible I
put some milk in yeah but it looks like watery milk or something it's like
brown lake brown it's not coffee brown mmm don't you think ah it tastes great it
it does the trick I got no sleep last night so I need a little kick it looks
soupy I saw you last now I will tease but we got something special going here
you might be noticing if you're watching on the camera yes we're in cans I know
and it's weird it's a weird look we're in the studio we're conforming it's a
little strange no conform no conform yeah no no bad form I mean you got a
yellow coffee for God's sakes what's less conforming than that good point I'm
wearing your dress nice you look like you're nice I could I could break down
some drywall with this outfit what are you talking about to me you're dressed
nice that looks nice that's an ensemble I got Jim horseshit my pant my sneakers
dirty I came from the gym this is how they would dress the guy on the sitcom
we just got fired yeah yeah exactly I'm like yeah I'm dumped and fired you
depressed like oh she left me and we have to call your friends come over we
go dude you don't need her she was fucking that black guy I'm dressed like
Piven in the audition in Seinfeld that's right can we pull up that maybe we put
the video we'll put the little thing next to it but I think he's wearing yellow
yellow polo and gray sweatpants yes and he's blue a picture in blue I was
picturing great when he comes he goes so what is this guy like a loser he's like
a real lose no no loser so good so good we got well so we're trying something
different we tease this the other day Shelby got a wild dick of his ass and
decided we're gonna try couldn't help it his ass was exposed my father's gay
I mean we got the clip we're trying we're doing it one time only OT OT O not
there's anything wrong with that but yeah just a couple clips we say a lot my
father's gay there you go so we'll try it we're shock jocks we're radio hey it's
a queef tits and and Joe blow in the morning yeah and so we're wearing came
by the way that a short cord here if I move an inch I'm gonna rip down the whole
sound system that cord no cord discord we have something I saw a finger I get
these shock queefs it's fine because if you hit it at the right moment bang it
comes I mean we got a really rely on the Shelby finger my father's gay all right
well we've got to go to the repeats already but I've never seen Shelby smile
this much so that's gotta mean something he looks like the piano player it looks
like dizzy he's over there his fingers are going Adrian Brody and the pianist
yeah it's really something all it goes don't love that film but I love it it's
good but it's a different movie that's all I need you to say it's on the
record check out Joe and Ron on talk pianist versus Schindler's list is
better yeah she's fun wonderful comedian and a buddy I feel like we had one
podcast I feel like we're friends but good Twitter too she messaged me and goes
hey well what your friends retarded I she didn't say retarded I don't want to
you know make it seem like she says that word but she friends an idiot she
is amazing she's like I walked out of pianist so I made her put a comment on
there oh she listens she listened because she's I think she just saw the
the headline oh yeah first piano she's like I can't even believe anyone would
debate this but anyways it's nice to have an attractive woman on your side
isn't it it really is like whenever you told me we got a hot female Tuesday I'm
like we're doing something right by the way did you get that photo no photo I'm
waiting for the photo I sit by the phone twirling the cord doing my hair no
photo help me out sister I just want to see that you're real I'm not gonna rub
one out or go down on you I just want to see the photo yeah I think maybe she's
not I think sometimes people listen to enough that they know Tuesday right so
they'll say Tuesday and that cuz I've had it before when I was in Seattle and a
guy was like hey a big Tuesday I go well check this out that's Derek yes Derek
the sound guy right and I go no Derek what are you talking about I've had the
same thing oh I'm a big Tuesday well that's lunch what are you talking about
it's dinner no no lunch it's a thing I tried to do yes it's all pipes and they
don't know I missed it hopefully people I wondered and people googling this we
have a Tuesdays with Seinfeld on Twitter hopefully he's keeping these people
afloat on what the hell we're talking about half the time I I say it every
week as I think about it every week it's so fascinating to me the people that
never watch Seinfeld and they're like what the fuck are these guys talking
about you get a message every now and then going hey never heard about it
before I'd never heard of him or the show I watched it it's pretty good you're
like pretty good you never heard of it what are you crazy never heard of
corduroy I gotta talk about I've been laughing over days I'm telling it as a
story and everyone goes I don't get it but we had a real moment the other day
we did we did you missed it but we're at Chipotle you me and Chuck I said I said
you know Yemen pretty similar to semen you went and it really made my life
complete I didn't know that felt very George and Jerry very Larry and you
really you gave me exactly what I needed on that one
all right go Yemen semen I don't get it but you gave me a mark it's one word
one letter off so I respect that it's a perfect little jump yeah it felt like a
real Larry moment and we love Larry we love Jerry not as much but is Yemen I
know nothing about Yemen I think it's Eastern Africa I think it's all by
Ethiopia I didn't know that at all I think I mean I don't know it for sure but
I think whitey white people live there and Yemen I think it's whitey I don't
think so what Barbara Streisand always thought it sang about Yemen Yemen or
she's in the movie Yemen which I guess was in the 70s and everybody was white
in the 70s I thought Yemen was like light-skinned brown Muslim call in if
you're in Yemen right I think I could be wrong about that I know that there's
Omen that's a movie with Damien that's a terrifying name lemon oh yeah Damien
Yemen oh three people appreciate that but that is something I think Damien
lemons a Tuesday at least he was he was gay for a while give him a gook he's a
fun cat oh funny guy handsome and just cool cool black he's a cool wow you didn't
have to take it there my god oh sorry white folks is losing a man hey what
was that who's that what's the etymology of that one is that aqua fina
shot not Mike he doesn't like Mike he doesn't want any hoopla it's for the
best but but I'm joking Mike wouldn't be bad a camera would end up oh god or a
mirror there's got a hell of a hair swoop going your hair looks great your
jawline is chiseled and your shoulders are a little thin but it's all pipes yeah
either way Yemen we got to go there maybe we'll do a live up I think there's
some trouble out there in the Middle East a lot of trouble the Middle East very
unstable I'm listening to a hell of a podcast Barry Weiss's podcast honestly
I highly recommend I think I recommend it to you he's got Brett Stevens on there
who's that he's a guy he's always he's from the Times and he's always on real
time and he's got Matt Taibe from Rolling Stone the bald ugly guy and
they're debating Ukraine Russia and I'm so susceptible to debate one talks for
four minutes this guy's a hundred percent right we don't know to be anywhere
near Ukraine fuck them let it fight it out and the other guy's like however and
then he speaks for four minutes I'm like that other guys are retirees are we
talking to get us all killed feel the same exact way what is that they make a
convincing arguments I got a soft brain I thought about this years ago with
the horse and carriage in New York because I was listening to some guy he's
like what are you talking about fuck the animals you have to have the clip
clop part of the city the spirit of the city like you're right that someone else
is like they beat the horses they fuck them in the ass they they make them eat
donkeys and the smell is horrible right it's torture and I'm like I don't know
what to do shoot half the horses and leave the other half to pulse around but
is that the definition of open-minded you can take both sides in and see the
good it's like when you go into a when you were younger and you go into a
classroom and every lady was ugly but you could see some beauty in one oh I
see the beauty a lot of ugly I want to fuck everyone now is what comes to women
and sex I've got my mind is more open than my father's asshole on a Halloween
evening that's an ass a lantern but yeah I don't know what that meant but it's a
big bag of candy you want to give him a tootsie roll but yeah I'm with you it's
it's exciting seeing the women's imperfections are fun now oh yeah kid you're
like give me the supermodel give me the Pamela whatever but as an adult you're
like oh look at that swastika on the neck on the c-section scar and the the
dingleberry yeah exactly we had that great bid that I think resulted in
getting divorced and famous at the same time to trade about the wife or nipples
all yeah it looks like an old black and white photo and he thinks it's hot and
I remember watching it being like that she can't enjoy this no they were divorced
ten minutes later but it really got pretty successful so it's a sliding scale
I guess yeah it's a balance but hold on back to what you were saying there the
debates the debates I'm with you I fly into Florida for a gig I look around I
put on a MAGA hat and a Hawaiian shirt and I kick a Mexican and I punch a Cuban
I'm like give me some bath salts shoot up that gay club I love it yes and then
you go to LA and you're like oh shit maybe I'll wear an AIDS ribbon and I
voted sticker and I'll give money to a Mexican and I'll join the the DNC right
it's it's it's it's tricking they're all making great points yeah they really are
yeah two things can be right we forget that in America
mmm two things to be right two things to be wrong well the middle path as the
Buddhists say our neighbor here is a little path somewhere in the middle but
sometimes with these debates you just go ah you figured out and then you have
that great relief we're like I'm a comedian I don't have to figure it out
doesn't matter what I think right so it's fun to think about and you get
overwhelmed being like well I don't know what to do in Ukraine then you're like
well that works out because I don't have a say anyways yeah good point good point
so then you're just like well that was good entertainment I don't know what to
think and then you can bring then you force it into topics yeah well the
thing is about the Ukraine they're not actually our allies they're not in
NATO yeah yeah you got a gorge yes yes or purge what is purging purge is when
you go and you like like if we purge would rip Shelby's clothes off fuck them
take his money kiss him on the lips I think oh that's different I thought I
anorexics purged now the purr oh maybe you're purging is there multiple purges
cuz I thought the purge was like when you go crazy isn't that the movie there's
no rules for it but what is the definition of a purge
I know what a purve is and I know what a purse is but what's a purge yeah
this way should be Mike's Shelby it's all pipes I know that give it a goog I
think purge means yeah it's tough I think there could be two purges this
throw up purge to get rid of get rid of everything you wipe the slate anal I
think that's right so you purging the food or you purging society hmm purge
the food so we could purge it we could get rid of his integrity yes purges
Meredith yes well he's good I want you to eat a stoplight and crap red white
and blue lightning and crap thunder that's the one I don't know where I got
my boy he's good he was good he played the penguin as well yes big penguin
purges I love that one of the great moments in that the whole film the
masterful film is when in the middle of his speech he goes I want to manage it
you understand that it's a great moment of comedy yeah this whole thing is like
you need a manager I didn't have a manager the reason I got taken advantage
of excited about manager and he stops he knows Rocky's dumb he's like I want to
be your man I love that because management is so much jargon and
bullshit and sugarcoating that at the end he just like I'm a real guy I've just
told you straight up very beautiful lovely film don't you want to do that with
ladies when you were I don't know if you ever hit on girls and bars back in the
day yes you know back in the 80s and go up and go gonna buy a drink and then you
just want to go like I think you're really pretty I'd like to fuck your your dad
yeah exactly well I always love Woody and Annie Hall when he goes let's just
kiss this way we can digest our food we'll be awkward later let's just get
out of the way okay great now we can go eat and that's like a lovely thing he
did there I know and come on ladies you know what we're doing we have to do this
song and dance the art of seduction I know they like that they like a little
foreplay and a little flirty bullshit but come on it's so phony let's get to it
well isn't that the old adage that was in the Bible that women know if they
want to fuck a guy within 10 minutes I heard that I heard that yeah I don't
believe it you can swap it and swap it I think men are like that for sure well
we want to fuck most everybody yeah and we can swing I could be absolutely not
and then start to be like you know what maybe I do want to fuck her of course
because you see her she's got a mustache and what's the thing a mole a mole on
her eyeball hair in it yeah and you're like oh yikes and then you know she
makes a couple jokes and slips and falls and you go I could make love to her yeah
and I'm and I hate to get into 80s comedy here but I'm the exact opposite of a
lady like if a guy goes up to a woman and goes I'd love to fuck you the woman's
like whoa who's this psycho a little forward huh just take it down a peg you
weirdo and I'm like if a girl comes up to me and she's horrific looking in a
wheelchair and goes I want to fuck you I think she's hotter yes open she's honest
she's cool we don't have to do all the bullshit oh what do you what do you
Virgo yes very aggressive as nice well I had a woman I've probably told the story
before somewhere but 4th of July 2003 no 2002 I was 20 years old and I was in
Charleston South Carolina maybe I haven't told this story a little old school
story black so Derek who the gaze no big D big D D man oh yeah there bear so
he's down in Charles he's like stationed in change a merchant Marie they send him
places so he's down in Charleston South Carolina and is way back in the day and
now maybe it was I must have been under I'll figure out the age later when I
turned 21 oh god oh boy 2003 this story sticks so it must have been July 20
2002 or whatever the fuck I say so I want to go to Charleston he's like come on
down well party's got a roommate Seamus they both rip it up party you know
fresh out of college you know merchant marine drunk crazy so I go all head down
there but at the time you're yeah I'm I'm into Simon and Garfunkel and
Karowak and one of those assholes you know so I'm like I'll take a bus yeah the
plane is expensive and at the time and it was post 911 and all that horseshit
so I was like why don't I take a bus to Charleston I know Charleston Charleston
Charleston 10 minutes yeah that's an easy bus so I got a dangerous bus but
still sure so I got take a bus it'll be romantic it'll be like you know midnight
cowboy I'll see the country cuz I was in that I'm going with the weather suits my
clothes so I just think this will be nice I've gone off to look for America and
I'm like that's what I'll do crazy what are you saying I go fuck it'll be fun
you don't know you don't know me I'm America I'm gonna go find the soul in
the spirit of America like one of those bullshit journalists whatever yeah
choo choo well that's a train so well whatever there it is I get a bus you're
a busboy 22 hour bus ride wow thinking Fanny get a bullet train or a prop
plane or a canoe well it was cheaper it was like a hundred bucks or whatever I
really thought it'd be an experience so I packed like a remember the stack of CD
the CD case where it's like four on each sleeve yes it's like a whole book I had
that and just bags of batteries most of my luggage was batteries that a disk man
batteries disk man and that this man would eat it would eat batteries yes you
were purging batteries there was no pod what's that thing the iPod iPod there was
iPod Ukraine every time I see the finger I think something's coming that's the
problem with it that's a joke trust me on this hey hey guy tell this guy tell
you Colin I every time I get that they look very similar well they're Brooklyn
guy you're gonna be okay say the goddamn words these kids today they got no
idea what they were talking about it they're missing out this is great great
it's Kitell Bronx you might be brought Brooklyn you sure Benson Hurst wow I got
a real knack on where people from give me another celebrity real quick was he
born in the Bronx I feel like I visualized Bronx with Kitell Stanley
Kubrick was Bronx Robert Klein was Bronx Klein don't forget Shapiro oh is he
Bronx now this is the music this is the we're looking for something music this
is like in a bad video game where I'm looking through the warehouse with my
gun they're so they're so similar to me they look similar they're both you
know specifically just says New York City Benson Hurst I'm pushing for it
early life born in New York City grew up in Brighton Beach I grew up in Brighton
Beach I thought maybe born in Bronx for some reason I don't know why I had a tough
guy because it's all it was all whites in the Bronx back in the day in Jews I don't
count them oh I see oh boy well you know not pure white folks is losing they
mind thank you all right that shall be on the twos and threes get a whoopee
Goldberg Jew drop if you can ah jeez all right well we gotta mix it up we
gotta we got a whites we got it all right Jew drop sounds like a good candy
give me a Jew drop that sounds really good there's a juju be an 11 drop yes find
those Jews I like that hey hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you
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liquid IV.com promo code Tuesdays hell yeah back to the show okay so you're on
the bus for 30 years going to South Carolina 22 hours and the first leg is
to New York and I get to I go all the way to New York and it's exciting you see
the skyline you're like wow I'm getting there yes transfer in New York Penn
Station I go whoo I'm a little pooped long buster I'm only in New York I'm
right hours in I'm like I'm like 200 miles from my house then you switch
there then you go down to like DC you switch again then you take a bus then
you get into like the deep south oh yeah bus stops and these stops are like on
like rural roads like houses and and you see a lot of like the poor folk and
this bus changes over and I remember feeling like there was like an old
black woman and I was the only white person on the bus in like South Carolina
in the Carolinas yeah and there was a black woman getting off and she's like
you go ahead and I was like no you go she's like oh oh thank you boy thank you
very much like I was like in the 50s like I shared ice cream with a black
person right right there is a lot of that still that slavery what's the word
remnants yeah I mean she acted like I had just handed her a thousand dollars
she's like oh my god thank you very much yeah I was like no problem it was very
straight but it's kind of nice as I felt like a hero sure everybody go I don't
care you take the front of the bus Rosa it was it was really like her reaction
fell straight I felt like I'd gone back in time yeah there's a lot of that there
and it's it's so rural there that it hasn't gotten as progressed because there's
not as many people to push for it there's not any skyscrapers or anything so
it's just the same shit over and over it's like the 40s yeah it was wild and
so 22 hours which feels like three days because you're only awake for 14 hours
in a day or whatever it went from like night to all the way day all the way
night and then morning again it was crazy did you at least have an open seat
with you as a jammed couple times I'd open seats towards the south it was
pretty open okay but still upright I mean like you're upright for 22 out you're
trying to sleep and talk and I'm like this is awful awful back hurts and then
you'd have like one of those stops in Bumble tits North Carolina sure and
there's like a 50 minute layover but you can't really go with there's nothing
there no it's not like a it's not like Penn Station or what do you call it what
is the support authority yeah where it's like McDonald's the New York Times
building and all this shit you're just like in the side of a row with the cars
like I know that you get out you do a little one of these and then you got to
go away well what are you up to are you going to a family reunion got a town how
about that huh yes and you're just running out of seated the cans of killing me
hate the can hate a can so they're just so just sitting there I'm dying finally I
get there it's like seven in the morning and Derek's at work and he left me a
fun Shawshank note he's like you've come this far maybe you're willing to come a
little farther and it was really excited I like Randall Stevens or whatever
bullshit good good a motto for a porn star Peter North you've come this far
oh probably come a little further like if you get to the tits hit the face yes
I'd love coming my face just the warmth well I want we got some time my father's
gay I think we need we have to we've circulate about three I think we got to
mix it up a little I know we didn't get a lot of the classics we wanted where the
cameras we wanted can yeah I wanted to say cut it but you know Joe trust me on
this I did the third it's hard to do we got a reservoir dog all right I expected
so I get there and then there at work so I get the key under the door I go in I
nap and then they come home and now it's the feeling of like they're at work
knowing they got a buddy and I was a fucking maniac yeah you were a maniac I
mean this is like 20 year old just discovered drinking I'm a wild animal
now but on a bus so I'm like a caged animal they just let go so we go out I
don't even know what story I'm telling it was in Charleston yeah you go on the
bus you're 20 years old oh I remember the story we got it we go out and we go
it's 4th of July now and you know me I was the karaoke king back in the day
laid off of it when I was the youth so I had a fake ID Joseph Michael Arnold
wherever you are Joe thank you JMA from Columbia South Carolina that was me
Columbia no one's gonna question that well it was a real idea I ran into a
problem in Boston I brought it back to Boston and I would show up with like a
socks hat and a Bruins shirt and be like hey we're just going to grab a couple
pops at the bar right and the guys like from Columbia and I'm like ah shit yeah
you got you there this was a bad idea Boston saying idea dropping ours right
I'm like a vodka and cream or whatever the fuck so any tips that I'm asked for a
sweet tea blend in it worked there so I went down to South Carolina they don't
give a shit down there because as we said these red states they don't care
about anything now it's a wild east yes southeast Middle East game cocks so they
look at the idea they go go ahead and we go into the bar and karaoke's going it's
fine we're meeting girls Derek had a hot girlfriend back in the days one of these
guys that always has hot women yeah cuz he's not a stunner he's pretty handsome
though when you look at he looks like Sinatra is that right yeah well you got
to get to the young Derek Sinatra now we've all aged but he's got a real face
I'm telling you used to get the hottest chicks on earth nothing against the the
D-man I'm just saying I've run into the cat a few times and he's not a showstop
or he's a he's a classically good-looking guy I guess but I wouldn't say he's a he's
a what's his name Tom Hardy that's just 20 years ago okay now he's a good boy shit don't
get me wrong he's states now but 20 years ago he was something pretty well give me
that so that'd be a photo Derek his game was a hot really yeah oh yeah that's
another thing down south I feel like you're gonna you can clean up a little
harder because up here there's a competition up the Indian got these
finance guys you're trying to bang Fallon's wife up here down there it's
Cletus and you gotta remember to he's stationed from out of town he's a
Boston guy he's a merchant Marie's got dressed white dress whites and he's got
the gay he's got a job and then you have the merchant marine have a nice thing
because they have like a military aspect they're in a uniform yes but they're
also like I'm down in the docks it's the shipping they're in the shipping
industry it's a good mix of of polite gentlemen straighten arrow with manly
and rugged yes plus he's funny we know how far funny can get us but he's big
he's funny and the what is it the whites dress whites dress whites only yes so
he's got that going on anyways hot girlfriend we tore Chelsea Charleston
which is beautiful and there's all the slave shit there which is a lot of
slave people are they don't like that but it's pretty neat when you see it yeah
and it's gonna be tough for the other black folk is they're just seeing that
slave shit all day every day you know we we sweet tear down a statue of Thomas
Edison because how he said the n-word on a podcast but back there it's like right
there they're like this is the mall I mean it's crazy cuz like I go to Fenway
Park and I'm like wow someone was sitting here when Ted Williams hit a
home run yeah they're going that someone got bought right here yeah you
know yikes boo white folks yeah losing they mine look I'm from Louisiana we
have all these slave like plaques like this is with the biggest slave trade in
America right here and over here it's where they you know bred them and over
here is where they fed them and over here is where they did the haircuts or
whatever it's it's a lot bred slaves yes I'm off bread
hi mark I would have been a good one too I'm off bread you're off bread so any
tips we go to the bar and it's 4th of July and it's just festive because the
south they like love America and bullshit so it's all exciting everyone's red
white and blue the whole thing and I put in my thing I'm gonna sing born to run
4th of July and so I go out they go let's have Joe let's come up and you know
I'm an unassuming nerd I'm gangly I'm uglier than I am now even if you can
imagine and I go up there and it goes and I'm jumping up on the wall I climbed
up on the thing I got on the speakers like fucking Eddie Vedder yeah I took
my shirt off I whip it into the crowd I mean this place went bananas still the
highlight of my life and it was like a there was like a it was like an L shaped
wall like half wall like yeah over here and here so there's people like dangling
over so I'm like running around high-five and everybody I'm climbing the
wall and the place just went nuts everyone's going wow baby whoa I got
every single person going and they're spraying everything it was wild and then
this woman walks up to me after cute as pie little thick southern thickness all
right we like the biscuits and gravy but cute and hot and her name was Joey I
like that and she walked up and said I don't care what you say I'm going home
with you wow that's a little rapey and I said well that's fine by me yeah go home
together went to the bar and shots and beer shot shot shots the whole thing
we're making out at the bar I don't want to tell the ending though oh that was
a thick thick sex well I blew it I was so insecure and then I couldn't find my
friends I got to find my buddies and they had left or small because back in
the day there's no cell phones right so I had to go find them by the time I found
them I couldn't find there and I remember being mad I remember like you guys
fucked me and they were like we thought you're going off yeah yeah Joey the
kangaroo but I have this staff I can't it's like a job interview we're like
what's your biggest flaw and you say something nice yeah I love my friend I
have loyalty these friends and I wanted to be with them I didn't want to just
blow away yeah the bus ride you see showed for them they were like in that
time but they I never fucked that off they fucked all the time we just left
you you had Joey and I was like I had to find you and they're like all right let
me go find Joey by the time I got back she probably thought I hated her and
right of course she's getting dittled by a piano leg at her apartment with a
vibrator never fucked Joey so if anyone knows Joey in South Carolina they can
be too many joeys down there yeah I guess not she would look thick should be
about 58 by now and three pounds and you could play that song and see if she
reacts to it she might come a running like a dog whistle so I didn't get to
see Joey but the point is she said that flipped something if I was like hey I
don't care what you say I'm gonna fuck your brains out tonight I think I'd get
you know kicked out of society oh yeah that's a crime and it makes you wonder
what could you have said I'm married I don't care I'm gay I don't care right
I'm a pedophile I don't care here's the n-word I don't care like where could you
go to see what she would do because she said I don't care what you say yes so
it'd be a fun little game to actually test that my father's gay yes my father's
gay there it is so trust me on this so anyways that's how the story ends but I've
been thinking about this a lot lately and I got more stories but I want a hog
here hog put a hog on me that I there was so many times that people wanted to
have sex with me and I just didn't pick up the signal because I had no confidence
yeah well it's also we've been beating in like hey don't be aggressive with
ladies don't take advantage of ladies and then so when a lady's all over you're
like there's no way plus you hit on girls your whole life they all turn you
down they call you ugly and gangly and tall and toothy five head so you know you
assume of a woman's talking here she doesn't mean it yes I had the same
thing yeah I was very insecure there was another time there was this woman that
I'm still friends with that I went to New York Film Academy together yep as you
do and we were both in love with each other I think we were best friends we
were just buddies and we talked and laughed and I was like God I love this
but she had a boyfriend but a boyfriend she was never around didn't talk about
him he was like back home boyfriend and she was never like I love him I miss
him whatever never mentioned that just I knew it and then our third friend was
like if it weren't for that boyfriend you guys would be together you guys should
be together wow then towards the end we saw lost in translation sure film
wonderful film and after we saw it she goes boy I just love that they kissed at
the end that was really perfect and then I was like yeah me too yeah
that later and looking back I'm like you fucking
I mean it was the same relationship they were in relationships they didn't care
about this together and of course they broke up like a month later her and
this guy and she was just looking up at she was little she was looking up at me
I love that they kissed I was like yeah no it was great wow I should have planted
one on it but I had my parents fucked me yeah yeah the insecurity you can't
imagine that and the ladies in all the movies they like the guy to grab and
pit them you know like do the dip the dip and then the smooch and it's so
romantic and you were the exact opposite of that I was a dip shit it was sucked I
had a thing at film Academy as well there was a woman there named Magali she
was Swiss French mega Lee and she was beautiful beautiful Swiss French so
she's from Switzerland and they speak French there wow love cheese oh yeah
yeah big cheesehead and she was like oh my how you doing my you know she was so
sexy and French and like swarthy and smooth you know she was hairy wow and I
had the biggest crush on but I couldn't think of a war I'd be cutting up all day
in class and she would show up and I would just froze so it's frozen and so one
time we got a little alone time we're at a bar and I'm kind of acting like a
human being and she I don't buy it I know well she was going in for some kind
of flirty thing I could you know when you're saying horrible shit but you can
still feel it I felt the connection I felt like we're something's cooking here
you get a little bit of a chub you know nothing is said but you feel the chub
you feel the connection you feel the warmth the love and I panicked and I
couldn't take all the feelings and I go yeah you know I think I farted and she
goes I know I'm a child and she goes ah you Americans with the humor he bad
humor and I was like ah I was just I was ruined and she was right it was a bad
joke but it was all out of just uncomfortableness and she was like yeah
you piece of shit and you're not funny oh it's rough you go you look back and
it's just like fucking a man but everything worked out we're doing well we
like our wives or whatever here we are we're making money we're good yeah so
whatever it's all pipes but who gives a shit but man back in the day now I mean
I got more there's like the same woman the Lost in Translation woman later
Derek was now living in Long Beach California again the shipping LBC what's
that the LBC yes so I was going there flying there and my friend this woman
she lived in LA she's an actor and I was talking to her and she's like I'll pick
you up at the airport got it get the half cock half cock so she's like I'll
pick you up at the airport and I'm like wow I'm flying to Long Beach she goes I
don't care I'll drive down so she drives from Hollywood to Long Beach hour I don't
know how far but it's not close it's not great so she drives down there and I'm
in like in love with this woman yes I don't know how to handle anything yeah
I've been there secure so she shows up and she's like dolled up oh boy dress made
up hair done and she's looking beautiful and she's like hey I'm here to pick you
up yeah and now she's single I'm single but I'm still retarded and so Derek is
staying with a new girlfriend not hot and he's living with her and I got to go
meet her because he's working so I gotta go meet her to get the keys and get in so
I'm like hey so this girl I go can you come take me to meet my friend's girlfriend
and these are different kinds of women the girl I'm friends with she's like
vegan and an actor and tattooed and just cares about things and this girl is
like a drinky party chick a typical drunk girl so we meet up and they just hate
each other instead of me going to this my friend's house to go make love and have
a date day I immediately meet up with my friend's girlfriend they don't like each
other I go okay I gotta go to her house cuz she's got the keys so I'll see you
later thanks for the ride sure and I think she was like a heartbroken then
later on the week I was like should we meet up she's like I got stuff to do your
friends with that drunk it is oh you can't blame her I mean I know it but she
got dolled up but it's a tough line ladies cuz how do we know you don't want
to assume you don't want to you know make a move if you don't like hey I thought
we were friends you make a move on me I just came down to hang out with you you
try to kiss me you fucking weirdo you're like all right but then if you don't try
to kiss hey you don't make a move I drove down I got dolled up you're like I
don't know we can't say anything it's all up in the ether so of course it's
gonna get mixed up every now and then it sucks too because I look like this
asshole heartbreaker like she was probably like he broke my heart I got
I think I came off that way and I didn't mean to I was just too insecure and I
was in love with this woman yes well that sucks but also well I think we have
this prominent society with with a lady guy thing where lady guy guy but you're
not allowed to you can just not like someone also like you know sometimes you
don't like a girl she's like you don't like me you fucking broke my heart you
like I don't like it but I did like her I know I'm just saying but there is that
too yes like some people just don't like you you don't get to like chew me out
because I'm not sexually attracted to yes but that's a whole another bag of
hammers yeah it was tough and then last one this is a quicker one there was once
a woman that it was at a show and she like pulled me aside like a side room
and like we made out oh that's hot and I was like into her too and then the next
day I did not a handle these things my text I was like boy you were drunk last
night huh and she was like no I wasn't and I was like well you were you were
acting crazy and she was like no I knew what I was doing and I was like oh and
she's like what you making me feel really small right now and I didn't know
how to recover I was like oh sorry I didn't what I should have been like you
know what I fucked up I don't know why I said that I'm really into you we should
go out on a date right but instead I was like oh sorry and I just did not a
hand feelings and emotions and communication so I'm out here just
breaking hearts if you can believe it yeah your heartbreak and then I'm walking
around going I can't get laid nobody loves me I'm lonely and I would go break
you know car windshields and steal it because I was so frustrated with myself
well dudes we had no one to talk to we were clues your heart problem fart
breaker I've farted and ruined that old relationship that I had so yeah we were
idiots we're hanging out with knuckleheads all day doing headlocks and
keg stands and then you get in front of a lady and it's all blurry yeah I fucked
up so much but then even my wife the first time I remember that she was like
inviting me to stay over and then she's like you want to watch a movie watch
nirvana unplugged I never made a move we'd literally laid in bed and watch all
of nirvana unplugged and the main thing is the fear of making a movie they're
like oh I don't see you that way and you're like that's what it is that's what
it is that's the real situation it's a tough it's a time you got to do some
real detective work there now let me let me change Jainals here please I got a
I got to tease something oh I can't wait so I don't know if I told you but you
know but hanging out with you I've been trying to get you to rub off on me give
me a little her pee whatever it is love to rub here's the rub dry rub so I took
some of your advice and I gotta tell you we've been doing 18 podcasts we've been
doing the road all day we're doing clips we're talking to Shelby we're busy yes
it's a lot of work talking to Shelby it is we're swamped Shelby's tough so the
lady my gal speaking a lady she's swamped too she's got nine podcasts she's got
eight friends two tits all this shit the cat and I'm like what are we doing she's
she's pulling her hair out every day I've gone no sleep stressed out every day
trying to do a pull-up in the park like a psycho and I was like fuck it
fuck it you're wet to Berlin this weather you know it's actually not bad
right now but these cold days with the little rain spritz it's enough enough
these New York winters yes it's all pipe so I go we're going to the beach yes so
I said get out your pocketbook your crazy coos we're looking up some dates get
the roll of decks get the daily planner here we go we picked a date spun the
globe we're going right here we're going to Saint Thomas and the Virgin Islands
Thomas Dustin I can't wait for this I'm very excited by the way by the time
you hear this you've gone to say Thomas come back and we've went all over the
world we've broken up at this point I know we're recording about nine weeks
ahead I can't wait to see the photos I love a sand beach sky palm cocktails I
love those stupid cocktails that give you a heartburn with the yellow pineapple
the blue straw the yeah the umbrella in there swirly straw I can't wait to infuse
myself with sugar and vodka and tequila get some swirly's eat her out from
behind get her in the doggy style eat her pussy with her asshole in your nose I
want you to really live down there oh we're gonna live baby and how about this
I'm in Omaha the weekend before and I'm going straight from Omaha to the island
so it's like doing a jerk off I love that it couldn't be more different and it
couldn't be more like okay after Omaha Kansas City you know I need a fucking
break and I never do this the flight at Omaha just to get to the Virgin Islands
with a little bit of daylight left is at 541 a.m. with a connection in Florida to
then go to the Virgin so it's gonna be a nightmare but I landed 3 p.m. in the
verge I'm gonna grab a rental car and just keep it at the hotel and just zip
around go surfing go snorkeling go aniling whatever it is love a zip now
she meets you there or she's gonna be in Omaha she's going from Newark to there
so I'll see her fat ass there who gets there first her she can check in and
jerk off and please herself and then I'll show up God this is exciting I love
this I love Island Martin yeah or says he just McFly I'm so happy can't wait and
just I've been watching these YouTube videos about St. Thomas like what do I
do and then these you choose are so helpful you get but did I don't watch
too much that you feel like I saw that in the video I thought you gotta get it's
such a balance you want a good idea of what you're gonna see but out spoil
all right no spoil right y'all that guy in Arizona I feel bad about that what
happened we were in Phoenix and you me and Chesley and one of the guy a comic
went to a ghost town oh yeah I kind of snapped because he we everywhere we
were walking he read about it before right I read that's not that great I
read this is pretty cool I read that's not bad and I went I don't care what you
read I want to live my life I felt bad I still feel guilty about it I remember
that I remember that kid now yeah you he was like a human trip advisor here's
the four stars that's too we're like all right all right we get it you read the
fucking email plus we're already here once you make the decision all your
notes don't help me now I'm about to see it yeah exactly I'm about to have my
own opinion and it's a bit of a downer this place isn't great like well let me
decide yes yeah no I'm with you well I feel that now I feel justified fuck him
I went these are the things that wake up being like why was I such an asshole
that guy yeah you'll have a snap every now that I like to snap up but either way
virgin by the time you see me next I'll have a tan I'll be on the island man I'll
have a coconut drink and a grass skirt and a destiny I can't wait you're one
of those guys always tan though you never I got the olive yeah that's nice
that's big the Sicilian side yeah people pay for that yeah yeah it's weird these
tanning places all over town I'm like I guess it is winter but I'm like the sun
is free that's strange it's very strange son is good son I haven't seen mine but
yeah I can't wait looking forward to it hey folks Tuesday stories is excited to
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hell yeah now i feel like we gotta go into last night we're gonna talk last
night by the way do you love elegy when it was on
now i didn't love it interesting i love borat the first one
yeah elegy i gotta think i think i got a problem with wiggers
white folks i like black people man this is how i look at it
it's like i love carrots i hate carrot cake i like black people
i don't like wiggers yeah but it's a character
yeah yeah really i let him slide on that but just the the idea of it i'm like
alright did that yo what's up but uh i just can't do it but that's what's so
funny he's making fun of the guys you hate i know but it's still there i see i
got you it's like if a guy's doing gay porn ironically
there's still a dick going on an ass and i'm like i get it's a joke but
it's still happening that was between us but nothing was between us but uh
he had some killer jokes though he's interviewing buzz aldrin
and he's like what is it like to be the first man on the sun and then he's like
it's too hot to go in the sun he goes what about the winter when the sun is
cold and that's that's cold that's cold don't get me wrong very good all right
we got to talk about last night because we have one of these things where we
each have our perspective and it it clenches together we separate yes yes so
give me your because yours is much more interesting so let's take me through it
so i did a i did a couple pods that day where we drink we in sam got pretty
sloppy with salvolcano and chris d so we're just putting them back and it's
a couple hours long and we got deep and so you're like
it's like four o'clock five o'clock six o'clock rock
yeah we're hammered and uh then we go oh we gotta do ari show ari you've heard of
him big ugly jew he sold out the grammar c theater with a
surprise lineup whoa so sells out in two seconds it's a it's a storytelling show
whatever no one knows who's going to be there all these big big fun people show
up it's a good time and we get drunk so now chris d is on the show sam is on
the show i'm on the show and sal goes well i'll go with you nice so sal shows up
and it's just one of those great nights in new york where you're like this theater
sold out we're half in the bag there's a briskness in the air
we're with all our pals this is fucking amazing pal volcano
yes pal pay pal so uh we're just like oh my god then i'm getting text from the
stand where are you you're on next i'm like oh
shit so i this is the beauty of the the stand is it's on union square
grammar c's on 23rd i can run there that's nine blocks
seven blocks seven sixteenth to the 23rd right
seven you're right so i just run straight down third avenue do the spot run
back they throw sal on to kill time i bump into you and soda on the way there
you guys make fun of me it's a great night i'm out of breath
run on do the stand hershberg up to the uh to the to the grammar c sal's on
killing they throw me up fun show i i riffed a story out of my
ass i barely do it it was okay and then i go
alright let's get your ass up here he comes up then we get shane gillis out
there he's doing the trump and uh we're zigging and zang it sal goes into the
crowd like donahue what he's taking questions oh i missed the donahue
that was wild we high five we chug some whiskey and then i go back to the stand
wrap that up and then i go to the cellar for a late spot
saw gullman saw tony wood saw indy hains great time anyone fun
uh tony woods was all right but it's funny every time i see him he's like hey
you you're there i'm like yeah we've been 600 times yeah he's one of those i'm
doing a ruble with them and i just feel like every night i'm gonna be like joe
list the guys from last night yes yes he's older likes to drink sure i'm not
mad at him there's plenty of guys a bunch of guys in comedy that you have to be
like remember i don't know like 28 years we met in 1994
i know i feel like that was some bookers i'm like you know you've booked before
they're like yeah you can send me tape like all right
but unless you're well that was a real condensed version right that was a lot
of fast i packed it in i thought we were gonna really stretch this and pull this
stretch and pull like a nutsack but you go you go
i maybe i i gave a big nugget yeah i want to dive into some detail because if
my version is longer than your version i'm gonna look like a dweeb over here
well i gave the overlay now you come in there with the
i'll underpay gritty yeah so i'm at the stand first i'm at the
i open for bobby kelly sometimes see you're taking from me i gotta take from
you because i have such time issues you got time i'm always like no i gotta get
there nine hours early so i'm not stressed i did bobby kelly's podcast
then i go we hang out the olive tree classic hang it's me and bobby eating
wings liz and uh by the way between you and me and the lamp post
i was doing bobby's pod with justin silver me justin silver and bobby
and liz calls oh boy and they're like and bobby calls bobby so he puts her on
the air he puts he answers the fight puts everyone on the air he puts
everybody on the air i don't know if that's legal he loves it yeah so he says
hey fuck mary kell me justin and and me i can't even get the sentence out
oh he did that to her he did it to her so right away you know me i got feelings
and i go jeez i'm like sitting there i'm bashful i'm turning all what's that
when you're red uh blushing blush i'm blushed yes and she
goes well i gotta marry bobby he's my best bud you know i'm compatible
so now i got my fingers crossed and i'm like i got my legs crossed trying to
hold down a boner and silvers uh he's a ripped little jewish
guy's got a cool hair he's got tattoos yeah no so i'm like and she's going uh
and i'm like come on please i have so little i've been married for 10 years
i'm gay i could have fucked the woman in long beach charleston you blew it
i was like please for the love of god and she goes i guess i'd fuck
joe because he's funny and i'm like oh my god i flipped i fell out of my chair i've
never gotten the fucking fuck mary kell i mean i've done fuck mary kell himler
and hitler and i was kill i was yeah somebody played it with me and uh you
know magic johnson and chamberlain i was kill
wow they fucked johnson over you they got hate i know that's what i'm saying wow
i mean i've never won the fuck and and she said fine you have to act like you're
cool we could see the video i'm like this oh neat fun yes in my in my mind i'm like
because when the thing about fuck mary kell it it puts your head there of course
but good for you for what i mean look let silvers a sweet guy but if he died no one would notice
yeah he stinks so i'm going oh my god it's probably ironic because he's so hot she feels
weird saying it he's hot and single so you picked the guy who's married but still it really
did a number on me but i felt like kastanza with elaine with the video which she does the audio
the sexy because then i go downstairs and she's in there and i'm like hey and it's just the two of
it hasn't opened yet so i'm like how's it going liz i'll be over here writing yeah we could fuck
and then so they were all hanging out the three of us and then she referenced it i made some
joke and she's like that's why i had fuck list and i'm like are you kidding me what's going on
i'm dumping water on my head in front of her i bought i took my steak and smacked myself in the
face with it give me a towel i gotta sit on it i mean it's uh i'm shitting my pants here so i
think i have a chance i might get divorced all right well you'll get some spots and so will she
on our vagina but uh either way that's exciting so that was a thrill anyways i hang out on there
but then thrill bobby goes is it hot near bobby goes a seven p.m i'm at the fact like why don't
he open let's go just open for him we need someone that i'd fuck on there sure and i go
well i can't do oh my god time flies when you're uh making shit up
the blast is so stupid i know it's ridiculous there's all this evidence that they do nothing
it's ending this week i can't believe it it's fine but anyways so uh where am i again
oh you fucked you fucked lizard the seller in the basement a dream so i i bet she's an animal
in a sack too i bet you'll really break in half well you know me i'm dying for someone to shove
a shoe in my ass and spit gum in my face she's the one for that she'll hit you with a hot poker
and a baseball bat if we were there i'd start by being like i gotta cancel my spot that's how i
would start it and then she started smacking me and putting a heel in my pee hole oh baby doll
this is getting good huh i hope she never hears this okay i i mean i don't think she's enjoying
no she doesn't know how to use a pod because she's 68 but uh yeah that's exciting good for you
she's a fun lady she's got some power to you you're getting seduced by her uh her power i know i want
to be a soft bottom to a power top yeah well you're softy so uh any jazz so let me get to the
point of this trial get right to it so they go hey hope for bobby at seven i go i can't this is
where i need some norman in my ass i go i can't i'm at the stand and i don't like to tell the time
because they always go what time they always do that and i go but just i don't i don't like to
rush i hate to rush but that's a thrill jerry don't you feel a thrill like oh shit the wind is in your
hair you're running out of the stand it's exciting no thrill hate the thrill all right will the thrill
is gone so i said i go i can't i'm at the stand they go what time i go seven thirty they go you
go at seven do ten minutes seven ten that is 20 minutes that is tight thank you but they go just
do it you fucking pussy so finally i go all right i'll do but we had to start right at seven yes
that's fair so then we do the stand with the fat black start right at seven i do ten i come off i
get a lift takes two minutes for the lift to arrive that puts me at seven twelve it's a nine minute
car ride that's what is that seven twenty one seven twenty one yeah but it was later than that i
ended up getting there at seven twenty seven okay i text joe harare i go i'll be there in three minutes
he goes no problem i walk in at seven twenty seven spots seven thirty at three minutes to walk in
worked out fine you're early technically worked out fine so i'm i'll try to squeeze in some more
spots then i got three at the stand but when you made it weren't you happy you did it happy
idea very happy that's what i thought bobby didn't pay me for the fat black it cost twelve
dollars for the lifts like whoa whoa he's got a Venmo your fat ass maybe i don't know there's a Venmo
coming you hear that bob oh and plus this guy's about to fuck the manager so you might want to get
on his good side he hasn't mentioned it well he could they could throw you 20 well we'll say so
any jazz so then i have three spots at the stand and you know you know me i know you
and i'm looking at the lineup it's like mark norman 745 mark norman 830 mark norman 945
and the host goes you see mark and i go i got some news for you pally between you and the
lamppost he ain't coming to that spot was it upstairs upstairs that'll do it i go he ain't
showing up for that because i know you and i know the lineup even though it's a secret lineup i got
i got moles all over the town yeah as soon as my wife so i know the lineup and i'm like he ain't
leaving that hang for this horseshit i'll tell you that right well i would like to but it ain't
it ain't gonna happen it was just too hard to pull mathematically i'm like 745 845 945 8 p.m.
show plus the hang yeah so uh you know i heard it wasn't a great one either wasn't great i started
whispering to all the comics i go hey be near the door because you're gonna get that norman spot
hey you're welcome there whipper snapper and all the young cops go what do you think we're doing
here we know oh everybody knows i like that so i go down i do my spot killer i do another spot
good and then side bump into soter and he goes hey i'm going over to the Gramercy in between
to see all the boys yes come on by we'd love to have you now this is where i'm a real
puss because i'm like i don't know can we go over there do we have passes are we gonna get back
there they are pretty strict over there i was like are we invited it's a theater i can't go over there
not be able to get in no shoot myself that hurts being like this i'm friends with arie i that's
there's mark i mark you know what i mean that's all i can see his nose you know you don't want that
right so i go you go i'm not going to go and he's like what are you talking about
he's like it's all of our best friends let's go over there and they don't know that at the box
office thank you yeah you're a good friend i mean what is that wanes world hey my girlfriend's a
lot of people's girlfriends are in there you know like who the fuck are we well so does like i'm on
the list and i'm like but do you have a plus one and he's like i think so it's like that kind of
thing so i go you know what fucking i'll go over there this is just my ego if they don't let me in
i'll go what can you do i'll walk back you know it's funny though if it says i'm on the it says
dan soter on the list but you can be like well it says list on you know this is the the guest list
there's your last name it's a little flimsy yeah it's not great well your name is technically on
the paper that's true that's all i'm saying there's probably a joe on there somewhere
aha you combine yeah go there is joe and his list all right i'm reaching but uh you know jack
reacher i like a reach well anyway so we walk over there that's when we bump into you yes which
was fun and i got you better get over there because i've already given you spot to recede
we laugh we go boy he's not sound that's crazy we get over there and we end up getting in and
they pretty lax actually so i got a sticker and by the way soter love the guy he flew the coop
right away really he gets his sticker he puts it on he goes i'll go talk to ari he's just gone
like a thief in the night and i go what the fuck is that we showed up together you bail on me
left me he's like don't worry i'll find ari i'll come back for you so i'm like all right
and then by the way the lady was like yeah your friends with him i'm like yeah she's like
there you go it gives me the stick i could have been a shooter a school shooter yeah right i got
the vibe but anyways i got my sticker went back there and saw you like you said tim dillon
did we even mention him he was there tim was a big guy i mean the pop he got i mean just an
alec boldens podcast he shot a lady what a hang though tim dillon all all whites but uh well
that's what you can get with a secret tim dillon ari shefier sam maril yourself gillis yeah great
hang and then walk back up me sam and soter walked back to the stand for the next spot that was great
soter got bumped he was pissed and uh just a great great night beautiful great night comedy new york
it's it's happening it's hopping it's it's it's a rush and it's it's crackling you know where they
can feel there's an electricity crackle crackle yeah there you go cracker but uh yeah so come see
us the the new stuff is cooking you got a you got a special coming out maybe in two years who knows
april april we got a we got a month for the love of tits subscribe to my youtube i gotta i gotta get
my i'm trying to put youtube shorts and youtube knickers and youtube socks youtube shorts uh
um i'm trying every i'm trying everything get over there and subscribe get on the most
fun shelby's ever had in his life i know he's got the boombox or whatever i mean he said
28 birthday parties that failed to reach this level of joy well let's be honest where there's more
people here than in his last birthday but either way you gotta have fun in life folks you gotta do
the drops you gotta come see us live he hit six million on youtube not subscribers subscribe
get on it where are you gonna be there for me i'm gonna be in boston and this is very important to
me patriots day weekend april 13 14 15 no 14 15 16 and if i don't sell here oh i legally have to hang
myself in fennel hall because well an epstein this is it's over if you don't sell this this is my
hometown big holiday weekend and uh my god almighty the the the special will come out right before
that so please boston show up for christ sake who's pumping out more material than this quiff you
got a special coming out you're probably already when that comes out you'll have a new half hour i got
a new half at least so come out then buffalo the week after that with matt wane everybody you want
to see matt wane local boy and uh we got tons of merch patreon get on i got other stuff coming up to
uh austin san francisco vancouver dates made up that's june 11th i'm so i'm going from san fran
to vancouver my agent's so good at routing i love a route and uh atlanta in june first time working
at lanta oh that'll fill up uh that's june 24 25 i think nashville august zany's finally
now i love zany what about the live app live app is march 21 second second march 22nd uh
fat black pussy cat comedy seller dot com hopefully my lady friend liana just put that on the website
fuck that into her we should have hers again she can come smack me around a little bit that's a
great idea pull my hair let's do it yeah so uh come out to all those things subscribe to the youtube
the patreon subscribe to our youtube too we're kicking ass over there hell yeah yeah youtube's
kicking up more clips more fun more uh good stuff for the patreon's cooking i'll be all over the
place mark norman dot com mark norman comedy dot com and i've been raleigh i mean this summer is
gonna be bananas chicago oh hi mark all kinds of cool stuff i i don't know when this comes out so
i'm scared to throw out a bunch of dates but indian apples is in there oh i got this comes out the
23rd 23rd okay so yeah fort wane 22nd february 22nd i'm doing utah again wise guy this is the big
episode everyone's been talking about it's tuesday it's 222 oh there you go everybody's been
messaging us so that's why it's special we got the sound drop because it's 222 222 222 227
louisville comedy club dania improv indianapolis lincoln theater in dc phoenix law stand-up live
magoobies adison improv back to dalis san joseh huntsville alabama that'll be tough san joseh gay
yeah urvine improv so we got a lot of fun stuff check it out give them hell brazella