Tuesdays with Stories! - #443 Piss Partner

Episode Date: March 15, 2022

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Hey folks, welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. This episode is brought to you by Lucy. Hey fellas, you're a responsible consumer and you want a responsible way to consume your nicotine, don't you? If you're looking for nicotine gum, lozenges, or pouches to use nicotine to relax, focus, or just unwind after a long day, there's only one stop you should make. It's Lucy. Lucy is the best. Hey, I love nicotine. I was smoking three cigars a day down in Key West. It's fun, but this is a much safer way to do it. If you've been looking for an alternative to smoking, why not switch to nicotine product that you can feel good about? This is a product you can feel good. They sent us some stuff. We sent it to some friends. They loved it. You're going to love it.

If you enjoy using nicotine, you should definitely check out Lucy's products at Lucy.co. That's Lucy.co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout. Also, I have to read this disclaimer warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Remember, if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine, visit Lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code Tuesdays. It's time for the show. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody.

No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey, folks. Welcome to the studio Tuesdays with stories. The house is all wallpaper. Oh, no, the wallpaper's not over the wires. What? I hate the wires. Oh my god, they hate the wires. I kind of like that they hate the wires. Yeah, suck it. We can't please them all. That's what Cosby said. Yeah, the wires are there, but the wallpaper's up. We're in the studio. The cat's dead. By the way, I'm getting all this shit being the studio is List's idea. He doesn't like the cat. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to kill the cat, stuff it, put it right here. I want to wear it on my head like fucking the Revenant.

Yeah, like a Davy Kroc. I didn't want to do the studio. I liked the house. I pushed back against the studio. Now I like the studio. We got three antique Jews that can hear every word we're saying. Oh yeah, Holocaust Jews. These guys are old as shit. They hate us. They're in no Putin. I don't know. It's bad. You can't get a hello out of everybody. Everybody's wearing masks. They can hear us say queef a mile away. By the way, everything that's made the pod better, I was against. Video, audio. I didn't want it to be audio. I didn't want it to be video. I didn't want the studio. I didn't want clips. I didn't want YouTube. You got to do it all. It's a nightmare. Nobody wants to do the shit, but you got to do the shit.

Oh, ads. I remember I was like, we're not going to do ads. We're above that. We're better than that. And then they were like, we'll give you six bucks if you say my father's name. And I was like, I tattooed it on my forehead. Love your father. By the way, Fanny's like, would you mind doing nine ads? I'm like, make it 20. I don't give a shit. Bring it on. Draft kings, everybody. Me undies. Fuck out. They're like, okay, just a heads up. Draft kings, you know, makes people poor. They shake their house. They're fighting against the Ukraine. That's their problem. We're in. Yeah, there's a lot of shit going on in China that nobody cares about. Doesn't it feel like that's weird? Yeah, these Uyghurs and the slavery and the Muslims and the Apple iPhone

kids jumping out of a window. Yeah, it's bad stuff over there, but I think we save money because they make the stuff. So you get a few bucks or something like that. Those little fingers. We need them and hey, I think they said an iPhone would be like 12 grand if it didn't have the kids cooking them. Oh, kidding. Well, I'm willing to watch a few kids die for a cheaper phone, but sure. I say it before I'll say it again. I'll shove it in my ass and see if you come. The phone is the greatest bargain on the planet. It's a good bargain. Even if it's 900, these things should be cost 50,000. I'm using it seven hours a day. I'm shooting porn on it. My mother, the porn, I got the compass, the other thing. Yeah, the calculator,

the tip divider, send me the porn, by the way. It's crazy. Oh, it's pretty good. Yeah, you can shoot a movie with these things. You got my date book. I got every joke I ever wrote. I got YouTube. I got Twitter. I got Instagram. It's a little office mate in one. It's a Palm Pilot. It is a Palm Pilot. The pilot's in the audience. Great television program. Hell of a show. What a show. The Larry David doc is out soon, so we can't wait. Yeah, it's out now if you're listening. We can't reveal that we recorded in advance. I got a guy threatening to bomb my house because we recorded one two days in advance. Well, I think we're the only podcasters who read the comments, listen to the tweets,

listen to the feedback, because other people just live their life. The Theo Vaughn's having a great time with his feet up, eating out a girl with cowboy boots on, and we're sitting there going, he hated this, the soundboard, the cat, the couch, what are we doing? And I'm like, ah, let's just ride it into the sunset. Who's got the boots, Theo or the girl? I think the girl. I was picturing her with cowboy boots naked, which is kind of hot. I don't like cowboy boots and shorts. Never liked the look. It looks goofy. I like shorts and heels. Now that's a look. Ah, heels on a, heels on a, in a clan hood works. I mean, just heels all day. Step on my, my dick. Heels. But yeah, I mean, also, I don't read the, the YouTube comments,

I can't, I haven't read those since 85 because they all, I read them today. They like you, they hate you, they like me, they hate me, Chuck's fat. No one hates me, you can't, you can't fool me. Oh, it's in there, it's in there. You can't fool me, they hate me, but that's all right. What are you going to do? George is saying cut it, it's all pipes, but a lot of these are direct messages. They just email me. Like my email, Jerry. That hurt. Wait, are you giving out your Gmail? It's out there. It's out there, Jerry, and I'm loving it. You can find it on the Twitter and the Instagram. I only have one email. What do you have, the secret email? I think so. Wait a minute. No one's emailing me. Yeah, well, they don't hate you. I'm getting DMs.

DMs I get. But I'm not getting an email. By the way, somebody sent me a set of bosoms. It was pretty thrilling. What, Chuck? Wow. He sent me everything but that. Sent in more tits. What are we doing? How come he's getting tits? See, I'd rather get a little hate and some tits than no hate and no tits. I'm getting like 70 hates to one tit. I mean, I got one tit ever. Hate is just all day, every day. I don't know. Might be worth it. That's two tits, by the way. A pair, yeah. Yes, a pair. Two pair. Paradise. I got two tits to paradise. I got two tits to paradise. Is that Eddie Money? Eddie Money. Yes. Somebody doesn't like this dude, but I think the show is really popped off because before I was very self-conscious,

we were occupying your home and the cat. Yes, yes, the home is tough. I got the lady folding laundry fingering herself to the Tim Dillon pod while we're in there shouting about anals. I know. I always just think, oh, gosh, she's in the other room. He looks out of the wall being like, these are retards. I know. I'm carrying this fucking idiot. I know. Who would marry us? Every once in a while, Sarah will say something that I'm like, that hurt. Yeah. She's like, you know, if you do the jizz podcast or whatever. That's pretty good. That's funny. That's pretty good. I agree. I mean, it's amazing that vaginas get moist in any fashion for our faces and our vagina, our dicks. Well, I got a balloon of lube. I mean, I squeeze it all over. It's a big

Tweety the bird birthday balloon filled with lube and I squeeze it. Tweety the bird. I think it's Tweety bird. I don't know if you need the, the, we got it. Tweety the accountant. Tweety the district attorney. I'm just doing that. That bit sounds a little familiar. Yeah. The Lieutenant Colonel. Well, his name is Tweety bird. Yes. So we, but we got the bird. I understand. But like, you're making fun of me for saying Tweety the bird, but his name is Tweety bird. But it's like saying, uh, road runner, the coyote. No, wait, road, the runner. No, that's so good. Road runner, the bird that runs. What is a road runner? It's a bird. Oh yeah. I've seen one, but they're not as spectacular. I thought it was going to have long legs and safe things like meat, meat. The

cartoon ruined it because you see one, it's kind of like a vagina. The first time you see a vagina, whoa, that looks different than the, uh, my mom's, but the road run, it's about this tall and it's not that fast. Yeah. It just kind of, it just runs, I guess. What's with these birds that can't fly? I know. Yeah. What is that? Uh, chickens? No wonder you're getting your heads cut off. Roosters, penguins. Oh, penguin. Uh, what's the other, the pink one? Flamingos. Flamingo. They're, they're, they're, their diet makes them pink and they're gay. Flamingo to hell. What do they eat? Pussy? Shrimp. They're gay. They're not eating puss. Who eats? The skin becomes the color of what they eat. They start, they start out white and then they turn pink. From eating

shrimp? Yeah. That's all they eat. Washington red skin. Cause I'm eating marinara and ketchup. That's true. I should be brown. I eat a lot of, uh, gravy and vegetable soup. And Chris Allen that one time. Oh yeah. That's why it opens for me. But, uh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. That is weird that they turn in, you are what you eat. Chris will just hit me with a heavy text by the way. Wow. That just drops a bomb of heavy and I'm like, Jesus Christ, I'm washing the dishes. Yeah, yeah. He's, he's an emotional guy. Give me a couple of jokes to lube me up. Use the Tweety the bird to lube me before you hit me with like, uh, you know, my wife's leaving me or whatever. Right, right. That's an example. I don't want to make it seem like it's getting divorced. Oh boy.

No, he's got a good marriage, but yeah, yeah. He'll, uh, he likes to go right in. He doesn't, he's dry anal. There's no lube. I'll tell you what text I send to him exclusively. One time he told me he wasn't into Elizabeth Hurley said she wasn't attractive. So every time she posts on Instagram, I send it right over there. This, this is quite a dame, this lady. She's like 64 years old. I wish that my mother was this hot. Still looking good. You can't even believe it. Go on to Elizabeth Hurley.com or whatever it's called. Pull it up. We don't have anything to pull it up on. Remember we used to have that. Oh yeah. That was a hot minute. That was back in the day. Yeah, but see, here's what you can't tell a black friend. You can't go Serena Williams. I don't see it. They go,

what? Uh, it's like he said the n-word in a Tyler Perry movie. They go crazy and they're like, what are you crazy? Look at that ass. I'm like, I don't know. It's just not my cup. She'd, she'd break me in half. No, Serena stinks. I mean, I think she's attractive, but it's a lot of lady. Yeah. No, that's not, that's not my cup of tea. I mean Naomi Osaka, her, I can get behind her. Yeah. Yeah. I can't actually arrest me, but I'd like to know if she can hold my balls and serve them. I don't know. But yeah, we'll keep it in line. No back. No backs. Yes. Yeah. Joke of it. You gotta die. Now here's the thing about him. Everybody hates him right now. He won't get vexed. He won't get vexed, but I think in two years it'll, they'll forget it when he wins another whatever.

Yeah. Well, if they let him play, I don't know if he's going to be able to play and he's willing to risk the thing. And I think we talked about it off air. So I read the comments on these things and someone's like, so what do we care? Why are you telling us? And I'm like, you know, he didn't walk into the newspaper and say, Hey, I'm not going to play in the tournament. Yeah. He's a famous guy. Yes. That's why we care. Yes. And you care enough to read it and comment. Exactly. You care. Well, here's my question about the vaccine and feel free to kick me right in the clip. But oh boy, where are we going here? I just want to, I just want to make sure I got, I got the vex, I got the boost, all that. I play, I'm playing ball, but he won't get it. The vaccine,

all it does is lower your symptoms when you get COVID. Right. So if he won't get it, why does that bother them? It would just lower his symptoms. And he's a healthy guy. He's obviously in peak physical condition. Certainly, certainly. Certainly. Where's the shirt? And then, so if he doesn't get the vaccine, why does that bother other people? He just will have worse symptoms. Is it like a hospital thing? Well, I guess they think the mutate that mutates more. If you're not vexed, then other people think the opposite. The truth is, I don't really understand either. I feel the same way. I don't get it. But if you say it, my God, they paint swastikas on your forehead and throw dog shit in your tits because, but the guy, this is my thing

with Jokovic. First of all, he had it. Second of all, he's the healthiest person on the planet. Exactly. And I've read a good amount about the guy. As you know, I'm a tennis fanatic, which is just a fan, isn't it? It is. It's a shortened version. Yeah. But fanatic has taken over as like bigger. It's true. Isn't that funny how that works? You're like, I'm a sports fanatic. I'm a sports fanatic. Right. You know which one's the bigger fan. But it's the same thing. Yeah. It's like saying he's a religious fanatic, but if you said he's a religious fan, that would be funny. You're a fan of religion. Just a fan. I have a flag. I go to the games. That's fun. Yeah. Fanatic is like, ah! Yeah, exactly. But anyway, yeah, he like measures his food

and he spends four hours a day stretching. Yes. He's got three nutritionalists and all the shit. And he's like, I don't put anything out in my body outside of this regimen. Yes. My body's a temple. Like a Jew. Who gives a shit? I don't get it either. I don't get it. And look, I'm not trying to push back. Everybody goes, hey, what are you, proud boy? All right. I'm like, no, no, no. I got the vaccine. I just want to know why you don't, you know, they go, well, you don't have the vaccine. Get away from me. I'm like, well, what does it matter about you? He's just going to have more symptoms. Shelby's got two pennies over there. It stops the spread, too. But like, it's not like 100%. Like just, you know, you can

still get it if you, but it's still, you know, it helps. It slows the spread. Yeah. So maybe if he gets it and he has less sim, he'll heal faster. So then he won't give it to someone else. He won't like be on a ventilator if he gets it. He could still be like, holy shit, I'm in bed, but he's like, you're not going to die. So, and then it could, it stops the, it helps him not spread it, too. If he's, even if he's just, you know, walking around fine. It makes him less contagious. I gotta say, I mean, I was a double vaxed and boosted and that spread like a wild fire across my whole family who was all boosted. But they're all alive, you know? Yes, certainly they're alive. But all these tennis guys are going to be alive. But hey,

why, you know, I think he'll live if he gets it. Oh, yeah. But he might spread it to someone who won't live is what you're saying. That's true. I see. Okay. But he could still spread it if he had the vax. It helps it not spread, but it's not like 100%. Okay. All right. Well, hey, I'm just curious because I want it to be good. I got the fucking thing. I'm just asking questions. Yeah. Well, anyways, I'd like to see him play, but Neil Young just unsubscribed. And Joan Baez or whatever. I'd like to see the guy play some tennis. I don't give a shit. They should, shouldn't they vote on it? The tour should vote. That would make more sense to me. Like the fans? The, the, the tour, the people on the tour, the players. Oh, the players in the

locker room is on the court. They should just do a vote because I bet a lot of those players would be like, I don't give a fuck. I'm vaxed. I'm boosted. I'm the healthiest guy on the planet. Sure. I mean, these are the healthiest athletes on planet earth to me, these tennis players. Of course. Of course. And so is Rogan and Aaron Rodgers. Both very healthy. Yeah, I would say, but the tennis player is even more than those guys. Even more. Yeah, they're out there. They talk about cardio. Back and forth all day with that ball. A lot of back and forth. But anyways, I'm gonna get a couple more boosts. I don't give a fuck. Shoot it right in my asshole. I had a great time. Put it in me. I'm with you. Yeah, it feels good.

You feel like you're doing something. You're in line as an Asian guy with a mask. He's, he's pricking you. It's fun. But you also have to respect the guy that's like, alright, I just won't play. I don't give a shit. I do. I mean, I respect the balls, and he knows he's gonna get a world of shit. We get two tweets. We jerk each other off and cry into the, into the sunset. But this guy's like, eh, whatever. I'll, I'll get yelled at. Yeah. I respect myself and I have opinions and I stick with him. I don't understand it. This is how I look at it. And this is, I'll get all kinds of shit for this. It's similar with guns to me. I wish that nobody wanted a gun.

But we got an amendment. I mean, you got to be able to have guns. People got to shoot their parents. They got to shoot themselves. They got to shoot the bulls. The classmates. I'm not going to get a gun, but you guys got to, you get guns. That's the law. People like guns. Go get the guns. I wish you didn't want a gun, but you got a gun. So everyone's got a gun, whatever. Right. I'm personally, I don't want it. I'm not for it. And I wish no one else had one, but that's not the way I don't get to rule the world. Yes. Same with the vaccine. I like the vaccine. I wish everyone would get the vaccine, but if you don't want the vaccine, don't get the vaccine. What do I give a

shit? Well, yeah, we live in a free society. You can make your own decision. Look, if you're hurting someone else, I get it. Like if you have a gun and you go around shooting people at school. Well, that's illegal. That's illegal and bad news. Against the rules. But if you have a gun and you like to look at it and you go to the range on the weekends and shoot your dad and all that, great. Go for it. Yeah. But I think their argument is not getting the vaccine does hurt people. That's the case they're making. Yeah. Which I, if that's true, that then get it, but I don't get how it hurts people. Yeah. I think, well, what Shelby said there, but yeah, but then she'll, you seem a little hesitant about it. Also, it's like,

can you make somebody get a medical thing they don't want? Right. Right. But I mean, the other vaccines are required, the measles and the meeples and the moot, whatever the fuck when you're a kid, right in your ass. I believe so in public schools. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. So I don't know. We're losing everybody. This is not what they want to tune in. They'll email all of us. They won't email you. Everything you say is great. They'll email me. They're a piece of shit. Maybe change that email. Maybe that's the move. Maybe we'll. Maybe it'll be. I'll chase it to Joe List drama. Hotmail. Hot tits. I'll tell you. I'm not gonna find him and burn his house down. You're ruined. I'm not immune to the insults. They

still hurt. I need to lower those symptoms, but we'll figure it out. Hey, how about this cowboy? I, uh, sorry, I'm foggy. I'm having a foggy day, folks. Could be from the vaccine. Symptoms, side effects. By the way, some of the anti-vax people, we haven't touched on them. A lot of them are big old retard. I don't want to make it sound like we're, you know, no, no, no. I'm just, I read some of these, uh, these tweets, these articles, they're dipshits. They think everyone's dying. They think a third of the people have died. It's really embarrassing. They make you gay. Yeah, it's weird because it's the similar two sides of the same anal. You know, these guys are like, if you don't get the vaccine, you're gonna die in your

sleep and your dad's dead and I'm gay and all this. And then all the people are like, if you get the vaccine, you're gonna die in your sleep. So you're like, you guys sound very similar. I think that's called horseshoe politics. Ah, is that what that is? You've been so far that you're actually closer to each other than you think. Right, right. Like, hey, I'm very progressive, so we should segregate. You know, and you're like, wait, what? How do we get back to segregation? I do think it's a pretty fair argument. The pro-choice argument is my body, my choice. So you're making that case. I know, that's tough. I feel like you got to go with that on the vaccine. Am I insane on that? No, I mean, that is pretty. It adds up. It lines up perfectly. I mean,

but they say you have an abortion. That's my kid, my choice. You get the vaccine, now you're hurting me. Right. It's like secondhand smoke. Well, what if that baby cured AIDS? I might get AIDS someday. But that baby could also be Hitler with AIDS. Right. But I would make the same argument with the secondhand smoke as the fat guy on the plane. Now you're into my seat. This is secondhand fat. You're not gonna die from the secondhand fat. This is just on your face for a couple days. Have you ever heard of a guy dying from secondhand smoke? You always say secondhand smoke, but no one's ever like, what do you die of? Secondhand. Well, I think that people have probably gotten something. I don't know, but my uncle went to the fire academy. They gave him a physical and they

were like, how long you've been smoking for? And he's like, I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, but his grandmother, my grandmother, his mother, smoked 48 packs a day. So there's something to be said about this secondhand smoke. All right. I take it back. See, that's all I want. As you give me info, I'll change my mind. I'm a mind changer. But also, I think I read this step before, only about 10% of people that smoke for decades get cancer. So what percent is your secondhand smokers are getting cancer? I'd say way less 1%. Because you think about all these people that you know that have smoked. Tom Dustin, I was gonna talk about him. We just had him on. I mean, I just was with them. He smokes a pack of cigarettes a day since I've known him. It was

20 years. Yeah. No cancer. No cancer. Yeah. He's out jet skiing in Galavante. Right. He's running a hell of a show in the keys and not to mention, they say your cell phone, red meat, eating ass, whatever it is, it all gives you cancer. And you're like, I do that. All three of those every day. Oh boy. This is a fun one. I mean, we might have to just start over. Yeah, delete the whole thing. We're gonna think we're assholes. We might as well say the n-word now and just get it in there. What's fun is I'll get shit from left and right. I get crushed from both sides. It's really astounding. That means you're doing something right. I think so. You're getting shit from both sides. I don't know. I'll watch a Bill Burke clip when

you read the comments like, this lefty pussy bitch, libtard, cum guzzling, cuck. And then the other one is like, this proud boy, alt-right piece of shit, storm the Capitol, I bet. You know, you're like, well, how did you get both of those? I have it all the time. I hang out with my, here in New York, people are like, you're a right wing Nazi conservative asshole. I go hang out with my family. They're like, oh, here comes Mr. Liberal Cuck piece of shit. Right. I get that on the road. Don't you feel like you go to Fort Wayne, Indiana. They're like, look at this, cuck. And I'm like, what? And then you do the same act in Brooklyn. They're like, oh, boy, here comes David Duke. No, I get an astounding amount of tweets calling me a lib cuck piece of shit. I'm like,

I'm like a pretty moderate Democrat here. I mean, I'm independent actually, but. Oh, is that right? I've always been Indian. I'm an Indian guy. Indiana Jones. But I've never voted for a Republican. But now we're getting a little outside of our zone here. Gotta get back in the zone. Love a zone. But people, I'm like, whatever. People recall it. They're like, I'm like, have you listened to our show? I know. You left wing piece of shit. I'm like, the people you're talking about would shoot me in the face if they listened to five minutes of this podcast. People just make you what they want you to be so they can hate you.

They justify a way to hate you. But you're like, you're wrong. And they're like, I'm going to keep you that way so I can, it still validates my opinion. Yeah. Well, let me get back to what I was trying to say there, before you brought it into a political round table. But you're right. It was me. Let's talk more about Joe Kovitz not wanting the vaccine. Hey folks, Tuesdays with stories is thrilled to welcome our new sponsor, Phanimal. As you know about me from listening to the show, I love live events, but I hate buying tickets. The hidden fees suck and coordinating with friends is also a nightmare. I always end up fronting a bunch of money and chasing down my friends

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I thought you met the film. Oh, no, with Jack Lemon. Best picture, 1960. 60, yeah. So great film, by the way. Great film. He's a hell of an actor. Very funny. Him and Walter Mattha, one of the good duos. One of the great duos. Yeah, we're better than them. I agree. So I go to the apartment, now we meet the owner. Oh, boy. Now this is trouble. I'm scared to even say it because he might hear this and nuke me. But so once you buy it, then you're the owner. Yes. Or he continues to own and you rent? No, no, no. We own. You buy. I'm buying. Trying to buy. I don't know how it works. Does he get the money? Yes. Okay. It's his place. But he owns a ton of shit. He's one of these guys. Little used car salesman-y. Turkish, fella. You know, he's my friend,

my friend. And he cuts you off and he's fake nice and he's fake charming, but he's just like steamrolling you the whole time. And you're polite and you're a human being. So you're like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Then you try to talk and he's like, what the, yes, yes, what is, okay. So here, we need to do wall here. We do that. And I'm like, well, what kind of wall are you going to put up? And he's like, my friend, we have it. Don't worry. No, no worry for you. We got it. And you're like, I just need to know. Like, can we get a window here? No, window, extra money. You don't want window. Outside bed. You like wall. I'm like, wait, what? And he just keeps going and eventually you just give up. So we go meet him. This guy's a real piece of work. We go meet him at his place

in Bed-Stuy. He's got a big realtor business. Me and the lady go out there. We said, I will meet at one. Great. We get there. I get the text from his assistant. He's not going to be there at all 145 now. He's busy. And I'm like, oh, so now we're like, well, let's go get a bite. So we finally show up at his place at 145. He doesn't get there until two. He comes in. Hello. Sorry about that. You know, New York City crazy. Hey, come back to my office. And we sit in the office. He's like, here's what you want. Here's why we can't do it. Here's what we can do. And you're just like, ah, and he's just totally, you know, just bulldozing the whole conversation. And then he goes, well, how about this? Why don't we go to place? We talk it out. And I'm like, ah, so the

lady has a job. She's a nine to fiveer. So she's like, you're already an hour late. Now we're going to drive that we could have just met there. So this guy's a real coup. Yeah, he stinks. But it's weird because you were like, oh, I don't want to deal with this guy. But once you buy the place, you don't have to deal with them. That's the thing. So let me just give you let me just lay it all out. The place is a is a certain price, but it's it's not fixed. So he's saying for this price, I will give you the place and I will fix it. But it's going to be bare bones like shitty work. Not shitty work, but it's going to be like the lowest common denominator, whatever I got to do to just get by to code. But I'm not going to make it nice. I'm not going to

who knows if the water will work, who knows if the toilet will flush, who knows if the air conditioning will work. That's what he's saying. Basically. Okay. So I'm just like trying to reason with this guy, but he's so he's so slimy and quick that I can't he's better than me at this negotiating thing. He's a he's a he's a mover and a shaker. I'm a comedian. Right. So I could maybe get a zinger in there and he's like, I don't understand joke. No, keep moving, whatever. And I'm like, ah, shit, I got nothing on this guy. And so the lady will talk and he's like, we don't listen to women put on burqa, whatever. And I'm like, ah, shit. So I'm texting my guy, my realtor dweeb. And I'm like, dude, this guy's killing me. He's calling me my friend. I can't keep up. He's

he's bitching at me. He's saying all this crazy shit. And he goes, I'm on the way. On the way. That's hot. So we are on our way. We're in this guy's Porsche on the way to the building to the place. Which guy's place? Wait, what? We went to his office. Now he's like, we should go see the house. And the turkey has a Porsche. Yes. Wow. I'm telling you, this guy's got 28 units all over the city. So where's May? Is she tied to the roof? She's in with me. She's it's a double seat. It's the big Porsche, the SUV. I hate this guy. I hate that car. I hate this guy. He's got eight rings. He's got, you know, an earring. He's got jeans with stuff on him, like tears and jewels. I mean, this guy's all in. Oh, so he's like a young guy. He's probably 50

years old. He's got two kids. He's 50 with the jeans. He's Turkish. Oh my God. I've been to Turkey. Yeah. I don't want to quit this guy cold turkey, but he's in the car like, oh, you remind me of my son. I'm like, what are we doing here? I'm like, we just want to buy a place that we don't want to deal with this, but this is part of it. So we get to the house. He unlocks the door. There's eight Mexican guys working. They scurry. They see him and they're like, oh, you know, it's like roaches. And so he's like, right here, we put up wall. I'm like, well, no, we like it open air. They're like, no, no wall good. You need more room because he gets to sell it for more bedrooms or whatever. There's all these tricks. I hate the tricks. Hate the tricks. So like fruit loops.

We're in there and well, tricks are for kids. And we get in there and I'm just like, ah, I'm overwhelmed. My head is spinning. And then my dweeb shows up. Love the dweeb. Love the dweeb. And he's like, wait, what? No, we can't do that. You agree to this? We have an approved list of what you're going to do. And he's like, never read list. He's like, well, you approved it. And he's like, oh, no, maybe we can't sell to you. And now he's backpelling in the guy. And my guy's like, no, no. And I'm like, hallelujah. Like I wanted to blow him. I understand women who like this shit because I like it. I understand women. So I'm just like, thank God you're here. And I'm like, you see what I'm dealing with? And he's like, I had no idea. It was just crazy.

And it was just so relieving because he was pushing back. And every time I would push back, he'd go, no, no, he makes you feel stupid. And you're like, maybe he's right. I'm wrong. He's the pro. I'm an idiot. This is like a club owner. It's just why we have agents. This brand of person who were surrounded by this office, by the way. Yes. I love those guys. They're sharks. They're sharks. And he had a, he was a shark and I got my make-o. I got a tiger or whatever. They're a great white. A tiger shark. Oh, great whites. Well, that'll probably go away. Yeah, I would imagine so. Yeah. Mediocre white or like, uh, you shouldn't be allowed to vote

white or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man's playing white, whatever it is. So my guy and him are just button heads and it's great, but now we might not get the place. Because he's like, oh, I thought I was going to do bullshit work and now you want real work. I don't know. I'll sell it to someone else. I could get $5 million tomorrow for this. And my guy's like, $5 million. Come on. He's like, I could do it. So is there an option to buy the house for the cheaper without him doing anything? And then you guys just hire your own queef to get another shark. You get a construction shark. Well, I'm going tomorrow to meet a construction shark, but at the price where he's offering,

we should get a working home. Right. And it's not that, yeah, there's holes in the floor, there's no banister, there's wires dangling everywhere. So we should get a decent home for what we're paying. But he's saying, you want this, now it goes up. Oh, you want that? Now it goes up. And we're like, we want a toilet. Right. You gotta have a toilet. Yeah. We need one toilet in this place. So he's kind of like, oh, a toilet. That's going to be a lot to work. Pipes. That's all pipes, you know, water spinning, shit go down, all this shit. So it's tough. It is a real, real finagle here. He's like David Putty keys. They get it started. Yeah, exactly. He's a little used car. So

it's a nightmare. And here's what we think. We just want to get in the play because the place is beautiful. It's got good bones, as they say. And it's in a great location right by the subway, right by the park in Fort Greene. And we want it. So we're almost like, let's just get in there. And we'll put our own fucking toilet in. I'll put some gloves on and overalls and become a lesbian and I'll install everything. Right. Boy, this is so exciting. But they say it's the most stressful thing in the world is to buy a home. Because you're picturing it, you got your photos on, the couch, we'll put an L shape, we'll have a Super Bowl party, no welcome, the whole thing. Exactly. So, boy, it's exciting. I hope you get it. But fuck this guy.

I know it's tough, but you just deal with it and then you want to just get it done and move on with your fucking life. Then in two years, you're going to look back and go, remember that fucking Turkish queef? That was a whole rig on my roll. Yeah, you never ever remember. Everything passes. Passes. So that's what I'm doing. I'm pushing through and we'll see. We'll see. But he would have gotten one over on me if I didn't have the dweeb and thank God, I didn't go with the hot realtor. Oh, right. Yeah, I remember the hot guy. He tried to swoop in. The hot guy would have been useless. He would have been like,

I like those jeans. Where'd you get those? He would have been shit. Guy swoop. Yes. Good. I love a good dweeb. I love those guys. They just know it because that's us with comedy. Yes. We know comedy. They know finagling and working or whatever. Yeah, and their thing is way more useful. Sure, we make a buck on the road. We go to some little rinky dink club and tell our yuckity yuck yucks, but these guys are men, Jerry. Yeah. They come in there and they are, it's like two bulls or two rams, button heads, and I get to watch and I'm like, Oh, thank God, I'm like the lady, you know, with the towel like, Oh, so with jobs, Jerry. Yes. Very exciting. Yeah,

that's great news. Well, when do you find out what happens next? I think by next week, we'll know. So we'll keep the, the queefs posted, the gaze and the hoos and the what's and the wiggles, but we'll see what happens. I mean, it's why you're going to be like George Bailey over there with a house with a loose knob thing and the piano and the other thing. I think it's haunted. There's like a Malaysian family in the in the attic. So Anne Frank, who knows? Was she Malaysian? No, I don't think so. It's weird that Malaysian has Asian in it. Yeah. Mal is bad, right? Oh, malfunction. Mal Asian. Mal Asian. That's a bad Asian. What about a caulk Asian? That's got Asian in it as well. That's a caulk. That's a caulk with a

massive dick, I think, which is rare. We're gonna have an Asian. Yeah. That's a caulk with a massive dick. Yeah. That's even more rare. Hey, folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Native Deodorant. Who has the time to read that long list of ingredients on the back of the bottle of deodorant? Some ingredients I can't even pronounce. If you care about what goes into your body, then it's time you've tried Native. Every native product is thoughtfully formulated to keep you feeling and smelling fresh all day long. I'm wearing it right now. We got a bunch in the house. We just keep them in the medicine cabinet. I use it. The lady uses it. The smells are great. It feels good. It's good for you. This year, Native has something sweet in store for their

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Oh, I love abreast. Yeah, and a thigh. You have this, this morning, we get back, Sarah and I were in Key West. I'll get all into that, but. You get back today? Well, last night. Okay. Yesterday. So, we get back, and then this morning, you know, I'm like, hey, why don't we do a little fucking, a little get back at it, you know? Another thing in the morning, you know? So, you fuck first thing in the morning, and it's great, and I come, I jazz, I feel great. Hell yeah. Because I'm having the re-entering. It's like the astronauts coming back to the atmosphere. Yeah. I'm in Key West for four days. It's 80 and sunny every day. I'm swimming in the ocean at heels. I'm riding a bike everywhere at

night. The shows are fun. I'm hanging out with Tommy Dustin, my best pal of all time. I mean, I got to know the guy 25 years now. Great guy, funny guy. And we're just having this great time. I'm smoking like three cigars a day. It was just delightful. You're living, baby. The sun is setting. It's purple. We had a back porch. They got a condo now. It's amazing. You're like Hemingway out there. Don't kill yourself. Beautiful. I didn't write anything. Did he kill himself? No. Shotgun to the head. No kidding. Good for him. Yeah, he earned it. Baby shoes for sale. Never worn. So, I'm smoking the cigar. The sun is setting. And now, I'm back in New York, and you have that like, ah, back in New York. I got a podcast. I got an email. I got a, it's 40 degrees, the whole

thing. So, I'm having a hard time readjusting. It hits you hard. So, I'm like, let's fuck first thing in the morning. Great sex, jizz. Then, do you ever have this? I'm like, now I lost a sex card. No. We're not going to fuck twice in a day. Maybe you fuck twice in a day. You could do that. She's not fucking twice in a day. She's 85 years old. Yeah, good point. But you know, now I don't have any sex to look forward to. If I didn't have sex in the morning right now in the middle of the podcast, I'd be like, hey, I can go home and have sex. Right. But we're no two furs. I don't know about you. We've been together for 11 years. She's 75 years old. My dick is tiny. We're not doing two in a day. Two in a day is no good. I mean, maybe if we're in the Bahamas, or it's a wedding,

or she's asleep, whatever. Sure. But now I don't have the sex. You'd play it early in the game. It's like a board game. Right. Where you're like, blow me or whatever. Yes. And then later on, you're like, shit, I wish I had that still. Yeah. That makes sense. It does, but I'm also like, but you got laid. I don't know. It feels like you're asking for a lot here. You got laid, and now you're like, oh, I can't get laid again. Well, it's the attic. It's the drug. It's like I did all the blow. And then three in the morning, I'm like, I need another boost, but I got no boost. I did all the blow. He snorted the cunt. So it's like I was all blown up for the first half of the party, but now the party's dwindling. I'm getting sad again. It's cold. It gets dark early.

The homeless on the train are still scary. Terrifying. You could fuck them, I guess. That might help. But yeah, no, you're right. I get it. I get it. But you know what? That's interesting what you bring up, because they always say, eat the frog. You heard this? Eat the frog. Yeah. From Frogger? And the S. Eat the fly. Is it Eat the fly? No, from Frogger. You look like a frog, but he said, eat the frog is some one of those Buddhist, Asian, Malaysian, Caucasian sayings where they go, eat the frog in the morning. Do the worst thing in the morning. Oh. And then your day is better. Just it has to go up. No kidding. So it's kind of like this brilliant, you know, one of those motivational queefs has the whole thing. But

you did the opposite. You fucked the frog. Yeah. And so now your day is only going down because you started with jizzing. Yes, I jizzed. Jizzed early. Yeah, you jizzed all over the frog's face and now you're, you got nothing. That was fun. The idea, I like the idea of making animals eat your cum. That's kind of fun. Oh, I love that because a dog will eat it. I don't doubt about it. You jizzed on a couple of Alpo cubes. He's going to go to town. All right. What's an Alpo cube? You know, like a kibble and bit, kibble and jizz. Is it Alpo? That's one of the dog foods. Purina, Alpo, the other one. Nabisco? Nah, that's a cracker. You know, Nabisco is the two guys' names. They put them together. It's like John Naples and Biscay Bombshell or some shit.

That's Mira Max too. Is that right? That's parents. It's Mira and Max. Was their parents? Ah, yeah. Who named shit after their parents? Get a life. Yeah, wow, rapists, evidently. Yeah, was it? Oh, yeah, that's him. He's a bad seed, but he can do, but... He had a bad dick, apparently, I heard. Get a weird dick. Sod of Epstein and Hitler had one ball. So maybe there's something with weird dicks. Yeah, I guess so. We got to stop body shaming. Oh, yeah, the dick will really... Women will talk about an uncircumcised dick and be like, oh, it was so gross, it was hideous, but then if you call him fat, they're like, you're a piece of shit. You just destroyed that hood, that hoodie, uh, circ over there. Yeah, good point. I have a point. Anyway, Shelby, you're

right over there. I don't know what's going on. We might not be getting any of this. I mean, Shelby looks like he's reading Mein Kampf over there. He's just like pulling his hair out. He keeps twitching. I can't tell what's going on. I thought that was a good book. What are you talking about? Oh, but yeah, you had the morning sex. So I had morning sex, but anyways, let me just get right into Key West here because I was down in Key West. Key Best, Key Weird, Key Worst, whatever you call it. Sure. What do you think about Key Weird as a nickname? I don't... I kept saying that. I was like, that sucks. It doesn't rhyme. It's not anything. No, I don't like it. Key Best is better. Key Best makes sense. And Key Worst, Key West, Worst. I like that too. But Key Weird, I'm like, get out of here.

People are obsessed with their cities being weird. Keep Portland weird. Keep Austin weird. Why? How about making fun or interesting or nice people or gay or whatever? Why weird? And once you start calling it the thing, it's not the thing anymore. Now you're just being weird. Now it's like, we're weird. Right. It's like when Lizzo goes, I'm so hot. You're like, you know who doesn't say they're hot as Giselle? You know, I'm just saying like, if you have to keep telling us, maybe it's not that thing. It's like the old Margaret Thatcher joke. This one's very offensive now. I didn't even thought about it a while. She said, being a woman is like being a leader. If you have to tell people you are, you probably are not. But that one, I mean, they would fucking hang

her in Mallory Square for saying that. You got that right, but I get it. It's a fun quote. I'm quoting. Don't, you know, don't email the club or whatever. But anyway, she was a big feminist figure. Oh yeah. She ran a country for God's sake. There you go. I don't know which one, but one of them. Yes. My mom liked her. My father's gay. So anyways, Tom Dustin's got the best and Joe Maddow. I don't want to sell Maddow short because he's doing a whole bunch down there too. I've known both these guys my whole life. This way I've known Tom Dustin more than half of my life. Oh yeah. That's how it goes. It's weird. He's a great guy, hilarious. I mean, you hang out with the guy and just dying, laughing all day. He's the most Boston guy on the planet. The

accent is funny. His face is funny. His words are funny. Funny guy. We're playing, you know, 20 questions down there which Chuck Dixie invented, which Slayers have been playing it for years, our whole lives. But anyways, you know, when you think you have it, you have to ask a question to narrow it down. Sure. I had the guy, I can't remember who it was, Amelia O'Vez or something. Sarah goes, does he have pointy ears? And I go, no. And Tom goes, does he want them? Cause he thought it was Spock. It was a fictional character. I don't know who the character was. I see. But it was a funny line. Do you have pointy ears? No. Does he want pointy ears? Who wants pointy ears? How would you narrow it down? Anyways, funny guy. So we go down to Key West. I'm all

excited because I love Key West. Tom and I went there for the first time in 2006. We were roommates inseparable back in the day. Yeah. And you got the story about it. I think you told it on the stage. We told it on the stage. It'll be up in the YouTube. It's fun. It killed. It was so fun. Sweetie the bird. And a whole bunch of fun lines in there. And it was quite exciting. Anyways, we go down there and now they have a condo. So we have like a badass condo. It's like an A frame thing and there's a back porch. So I'm smoking cigars. Great time. I love it. Tom's girlfriend, Kristen. She's great. Sarah comes down with me. So it's just beautiful every day. And you know, you want to go on these adventures. So we're going swimming in the ocean, the whole

thing, biking, beers, cigars, food, the whole thing. Yes. He's got a bocce set. They got bocce ball down there. I love bocce. Love a good bocce. So we go down to the bocce courts and they're right off the beach. There's like a beach and then the main road and then bocce courts. So there is a beach. There's beaches. Yeah. I always thought there was no beach in Key West. I think they're man-made. I'll take that. As long as they're not woman-made. But there's a couple beaches. I found one Fort Zachary, which is an old fort from the Civil War. And then they used it for World War One, World War Two. It's a state park. They got a beach there. It's beautiful. Okay. Okay. Good to know. Beautiful discovery down there. Then they got another big man-made one on the coast, if you

can believe it. Mm. Coastal beach. Yes. Love a coast. Life's a beach. They all have a coaster. You like a coaster? You don't like a coaster. I don't love a coaster. That's the whole table of coaster. It's fun to toss it. That's true. And they say funny things sometimes as like a tits on there. It's a good coaster. That's not a bad coast. You don't want to put a drink on it. We should sell coasters. Yes. You know, a nipple with a nipple ring on the back. It says, you know, vote for Cuomo or whatever. Right. Not the homo. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? That was a subway ad. Koch versus Cuomo. He said vote for Cuomo. Not the homo. That was a subway ad. Subway sandwiches. Wow. What a town. Well, yeah, the subway sandwiches, their ads got way weirder.

Hey, you like a tuna or a kid? We got them. $5 foot long. That guy was a fat pig, and then he lost all the weight, and then he fucked a kid. Yeah, not cool. No. Subpar behavior, if you ask me. Stay fat. Yeah. Yeah. All right. But yeah, Key West, I want to go down there, but the crowds are a little rowdy, and I just get drunk the whole time, and then I'm like, what did I do that for? I don't remember any of it. Well, you got to go down there. I mean, they opened up the seat and they added seats. Now, my buddy Matt Lever, who's a Tuesday, he's going down there, saw the bar in half and moved the bar. They're going to add even more seats. I mean, this is really something down there. I remember talking to a club owner who was like, oh, your buddy's open

to Key West. You can't do comedy in Key West. It doesn't work. I've tried it for years, and I'm like, well, you didn't have the secret weapon. Tom Dustin. Tom Dustin. He's the mayor down there. Hell yeah. He really is. He's every guy who goes, oh, that's Tom Dustin, comedy Key West. He's one of those guys. And he started, it was amazing, because a lot of people go, I always say Key West is like, if New Orleans fucked a Red Lobster, because it's boozy, it's music-y, but it's beach-y. You know, we don't have the beach there in New Orleans, but New Orleans is a shit comedy town, because you want to get drunk, you want to party, you want to get sloppy, you want to listen to music, you want to get a guy in a headlock and fuck a lady or cougar or whatever,

and Key West is similar, but it works. Yes, it's hard because they are, you do have to be a little bit party starter, because I'm doing jokes about suicide and my father's asshole, and they're like, what? Because they've been drinking whatever's all day. Yeah, they got a coconut drink. They don't want to hear about your therapy session. Exactly. It was one of those ones where I'm like, you ever think about killing yourself? And the guy goes, no. Literally. Wow. And I was like, oh, well, it's just a joke anyways, but whatever. It's all jokes. Pipes. But anyways, so we go down there, we go to play bocce with the bocce ball set, and I'm like, yes, let's go play bocce. I love bocce. Plus, when you have a big show, you don't want to go too crazy. Sure. You don't want to be

in the sun all day, hiking, whatever. This show is almost a hindrance. The show is ruining this weekend. The show's in the way. So we take the bocce, we go down to the bocce courts, and it's wide open, because we're worried about leagues, you know. Oh, wow. But no leagues today. We got the court to ourselves. We're all excited. Sarah's never played, so it's me and Sarah versus Tom and Kristen. Then we mix it up. We do boys versus girls, of course. Sure. But there's a group of, now you know me with the homeless. I got some problems. They come after you. They got problems with me. Yeah, you got no problems with them. Five head of yours. Yeah. So they're all sitting over behind the court about 20 feet back. Picnic bench. There's about seven of them over there.

Okay. And so right when we get out, I'm triggered. I'm like, oh my God, here we go with the homeless. They hate me. There's something about me. Yes. You got to look for these hobos. They don't like it. I guess. I don't know what it is, but so we go over there, and I think they might be a little unstable if you ask me, some of these guys. See that? Well, the drug abuse, the mental illness, the no showering for six years. Right. So enough about Tom. So we go over to the botchy court, and we start the game. We start playing, and I'm having a great time. I mean, you know me. A game I love. Love a game, competition. You're in the sun. You're moving. You're shaking. If you got a game, shove it right up my ass. I want to play tennis. I love cornhole, softball, botchy ball.

You know, 20 questions, the movie game. Booze in my mouth, whatever it is. Anything you want to play. I'm down. Hell yeah. I'm down, Jerry. I like to play, and I flourish. Yes. So we're playing the botchy thing. It's a good time, and of course I got to piss. You know me. I drink 17 green teas, 48 waters a day. My father's gay. Drinking smoothie. So I'm like, I'm having a great time. We win the game, but I go, I got to piss, and for a sober guy, you piss more than a booze bag. We were talking about that. I'm like, if I drank, I can't even imagine. Can you imagine? You'd have to get a diaper, a catheter, and a hobo's mouth. I would just be pissing my pants constantly. Yeah. So I go over to piss. There's a little area to piss, I thought, but it's locked, and I can see all the

homeless guys looking at me like, hey, that's our couch over there. Right. Right. But you're the gazelle. They've been waiting for you to break free of the pack. That's right. I'm a gazelle. You've got a bad leg. I'm Joey Gazelle. So I go, I come back, I go, listen, there's no bathroom. And then Kristen, Tom's girlfriend, she goes, hey, I got to piss too. Okay. So now I got to piss partner. Piss part. Love a piss partner. Yes. But then Tom rented a jeep and he goes, take the jeep and she goes, wow, I've never driven a big rig jeep thing. Big rig. And Tom goes, all right, I'll just drive. So I go driving to piss. We're driving to piss because we're in the middle of nowhere. It's hobos, a highway, and there's like a nature preserve. I can't piss on a parrot. Who? A parrot.

Parrot head. Yeah. Well, I guess there's no palm tree. I guess you can't piss on a palm tree. It's too thin. Your dick would come out the other side. Well, it's very open. And then there's the beach, and then there's the hobos. Yeah, too open. And then she's a lady, which was nice because if you're a man, everyone wants you to piss. Everyone wants a man to just be able to piss everywhere. It's true. It's one of the perks. It's a perk, I guess, but I can't piss with you in the room. You got stage fright. I got mental problems. I can't come if my wife is in the room. I can't piss if you're in the room. That's going to be a problem with the wife. I need to come in front of her, but I can't shit unless my dad's in the room. That helps. Your dad is very laxative. Oh, yeah.

Mustache. Conducent for shitting. Gets the parts turning. But I think, you know, we talk about women have it hard, men have it hard. One of the hard things about men is everyone expects you to be able to piss. You got a point. I'm like, I don't want to piss by a tree with fucking cars in a garage. Speaking of that, I think your dad's around because I got a mean log cooking here. That was a chili, a stew, a chowder. That did not sound like a log. No, no, that was a cauldron bubbling. Sounded like a log going over the waterfall. That was bad. Boy, call the paramedic because I might need a cork. Well, I can't go on like this. I'm not concerned about your well-being. I had two cups of coffee.

I drank a bunch of last night. I'm foggy, Jerry. Yeah, bad fog. Fog. Fog of war. Great film. McNamara. So anyways. A fog in the wheel. So Tom goes, I'll drive. And Sarah, she likes alone time like me because she's a psycho. So she goes, I go, why don't you come along? And she goes, well, I'll watch the balls because we got all the botchy balls. Yes, the ball watch. So I go, all right, I feel a little nervous. We're leaving her with the hobos right over there. She's got the balls though. They're weapons. I don't know about that. But so she goes, she goes, I'll just look at TikTok, which so we get in the van or the Jeep, drive down the street, find the bathroom. And as soon as we pull back, I'm like, what if my wife gets raped by 11 guys

right now? I mean, that would be hot, but it's still a bummer. Sure, sure. And they might be better than you at it. Yeah, I gotta assume. Yeah. So we go, we take a piss, we go back, it's now anxious that she's going to be dead. We get back and she's fine. She's still sitting there tick talking, but she goes, by the way, things have changed a little bit. Uh-oh. Two additional people have shown up. Oh boy. And something happened. They all are just screaming at each other. It's like a royal rumble over there. Oh, wow. So they hate each other. Yeah. So all right. It's, fuck you, fuck your mother. I've lived here for 35 years. Well, fuck you. And one of them is a woman with a pink dress and big tits. Uh-huh. And they're going,

get out of here. You don't know. It's just a lot of yelling. Sure. And I don't know. I guess I'm a big bitch. I've been, I'm triggered because I've had the, the Austin incident, the Salt Lake City incident, several New York incidents. Yeah. My father's gay. So Cuomo, I'm just like, hey, why don't we just pack it up? We'll play a different game. Sure. We can go to the beach. We can play volleyball is over there. We can go to the bar. We can go to the restaurant. We can go swim in the ocean. How do you feel about this? I'm like, why keep playing bocce when there's 11 people outside of their minds screaming and swearing at each other right there? Oh, I'm totally with you. Cause also bocce, you got a couple of honkies playing bocce. It's a little

triggering for them. Like all these guys think they're better than us. They got a Jeep. They have to leave to piss. So what do they think they are? Some elite class bullshit, you know? So they're, they're going to get mad at you because they hate themselves. And now you think you're better than me? Plus my enjoyment level has all the way down here now because there's hornets in the car. It's like somebody tossed a hornet's nest into the Jeep and then closed the roof. So true. But these hornets smell like feces. Yeah. So it's a whole, it's a whole thing. So there's all this screaming and I'm trying to go, you know what? It's over there. But now bocce, they're behind, every time we're on this side of the court, we have our back to them. I don't like my back to

somebody. No, get out of there. I'm with you. This, well, what are you going to fight 12 guys covered in AIDS? What's the point? Thank you. You always get me. Yeah. I mean, I like the tits in the pink dress, but hey, you can't want them all. Sacrifice the tits. So now I got a role and I immediately stand over here so I can keep an eye on my wife's ass and make sure no one's shoving anything in there. So then we're playing. I'm trying to keep it cool. Nobody else can't because they're all Key Wested out. They're like, don't worry about it, man. Key West five. I got the grew up in Boston, living in York vibes. Oh yeah, neurotic on edge. Well, here's my other thing. And maybe you can speak to this too because part of it's like, is this because my parents are

pussies? But also I'm like, my whole from 18 on for the seven years I was hanging out in Boston and like every night there was a melee. Same. Same. I saw a guy smash a bottle in a guy's face. I saw a guy knocked out and the guy just kept punching him in the face. Yes. Yes. So I know where shit can go. Oh yeah. And I and these guys have no governor. You know, they're not going to go, well, we should ratchet it down a notch. They're going to pick up a botchy ball and shove it right in your pee hole. They don't give a fuck. That's how I feel. So at the first sign of yell, I'm like, ah, we'll just go to a different place. And it was not them. What's the upside? Let's say you do fight this guy. You beat him up. You nick a knuckle. Now you got AIDS. You know, it's you

going to beat up a hobo. This guy's deranged. I don't know. They're deranged. Yeah, it just doesn't make sense. There's no upside. And if you're not having fun, let's go out and have fun around our own, uh, you know, brethren with homes. So that's how I feel. Now keep an eye out where this goes. Uh-oh. So now we're botchy, the lady in the pink dress, the new hobo, who I'm not even sure is a hobo or if she's just a Samaritan. I don't want to say good. You never hear about Samaritans. They're not good. That's true. There's a bad Samaritan, right? Mediocre Samaritans? Right. Right. Okay, Samaritan. There's got to be some regular Samaritans walking out there. What is a Samaritan? I have no idea. Is it like a civilian? I don't know. Because if it's a Samaritan, why do

we need the good? If Samaritan means good, why do you need the good? It's like Tweety the Bird. Hey, uh, what's your name again? Shelby, can we get on that? What's uh, what's Samaritan? What the fuck does that mean? Give it a goog. Oh boy. Oh, you, you already on that? Wow. A person who is generous in helping those in distress. See, yeah. It's a, it's a, what do you call redundant? See, I'm the opposite of a Samaritan because I'm like, they're in distress. Let's get the hell out of here. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a shit Samaritan. Right. Interesting. Then it's humanitarian. Anything terrian is good. Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. Pedophile terrian. Yeah. Pterodactyl. Yeah. Terrian is good. Boston terrian. Uh-huh. Um, so listen to this. So now we're playing Bonci. We're on this end of the

court. When I'm on this end of the court, I'm not as worried because I can see we got a good 75 feet. But when that in the court, now our backs to them were close. Okay. There's all kinds of screaming going on. One of the guys comes over. He sits on the bench next to us. Oh, you see. But he feels like a guy who's been shamed by the one antagonist. Okay. This guy sits next to us. He's just going, you can do it. You can do it. He's like one of those guys. So I'm like, okay, okay. He seems all right. But it never starts. It can change quickly. Change. So then the pink dress lady with the huge tits comes over and she's carrying a pipe like this law. It's all pipes. A corkstruy pipe. I don't even know what this was for. Oh boy. And she goes, Hey, just to let you know, he's threatening to

come over here and beat you guys with this. You should call the cops. He says he wants to beat all the tourists. He's swearing and you better call the cops. And I go, I'm like, all right. That's a wrap. You guys win. Grab the balls. Leave the balls. I don't care. I'm ready to run home. I'm underway as filled with shit. Sure. Sure. And you called it. You profiled. You judged and you were correct. Yeah. Well, they didn't see it that way. My friends who I love more than life itself are like, we're not too worried about them. Don't worry. They thought she was nuts. I thought she was my mother. I was like, thank God I wanted to give her a piggyback home and eat her out with cowboy boots on. She's a great Samaritan. She's a good mother Teresa. She's a messenger. But she's

like, okay, suit yourself. And I understand she's probably a nut too. Maybe she's cuckoo. I don't know. But that's enough warning. I'll heed that. I'll heed. I love a heed. Yes. My best friends are he. But I'm like, all right. That's the end of the game, right? And Tom's like, it's seven four. What are you talking about? I'm like, come on. Pipes, Jerry. She has a pipe literally. It's all pipes. Corkscrew. What are you crazy? Heed. Heed. And they're like, don't worry about it. And now the cheese stands alone. Everybody, he's scattered everybody because they're all afraid of him. So now it's just this one guy and he's on the bench like a gargoyle really watching us. Oh, it heeds. It bleeds. I'm just like, okay. So now I'm like, your turn. I roll it like that.

I'm 40 feet from the ballino or the balloon knot, whatever the hell it's called. And I just go, okay, let's move down the other side. Yeah. And I'm like, every time we keep score, I'm adding points. I'm like, I think it's 10 and eight you. I'm like, I don't know. I think it was 10. Right. You can't enjoy. No, enjoy. The whole thing's ruined. This guy's got a bad vibe. You can feel the vibe. He's staring a hole in the back of your anal. Get out of there. That's how I felt. And as soon as we packed up and got in the Jeep, I was like, whew. And now I'm back to Joe again. Yes, Joe's back. Good to have you back. The sun, the breeze, the thing. I'm like, yes. And like I said, it's not like we're in wherever where there's one thing to do. I'm like, we could water ski, we

could jet ski, we could scuba dive, we could go airplane hangers, whatever. Sure. Sure. What's that one parasail? Yeah, Tom and I did that way back. It's pretty boring. It's pretty gay. It's pretty boring. I'd rather a pair of tits, but it just feels like once you're up there, you're like, now what? Yeah. Well, the thing is, it folds up because of the umbrella. So you're really crammed in there and you're like knee to ass flush tight like this. Yeah. And there's no action. Right. I need a thrill. No thrill. I guess it's a view. There's a good view, but that television program stinks. Sure, whoopee. It's a view, but you're like this. Well, that's something. Yeah. So it's okay. All right. More of a jet ski guy. I want to love a jet ski. Boy, that's not, I feel guilty

jet skiing because I have so much fun. That sets up with the childhood, but I shouldn't be allowed to be having this much fun. Who am I? Who am I fucking, you know, Bernie Madoff? Why am I allowed to do this? You think he had fun? Oh yeah. What are you kidding? I never read too much about him. Oh, don't you love when a name lands perfect like Madoff? Oh yeah. You never, you never caught that? No, never made off. Bernie Madoff, Anthony Weiner. There's a couple that just fall right on it. Yeah. That's pretty good. I had another one. I lost it. Well, there's the shitter guy. What's his name? John, John Dump. John Dump. I don't know him. He sounds fun. The guy that had met the toilet, his name is shitter. Oh, it's John Crapper. Is that what it is? I think it's

John Crappers. He got John and Crapp. Yeah. It's something like that. John Shithouse. Get that a goog there, Shelter. Yeah. I think it's Stevie Byrne, Dirty Butt, something like that. I think it is Crapper. I think it's John Crapper. And it's Dick Trickle. And you go to the John. Yes, Dick Butkus. There's a couple out there that did a dead smack on that. It's just beautiful. What about there's an old Red Sox player? His name is Four Body Parts. Tony Armis. Tony Armass. Whoa. Pretty good. Blew my mind. That's great. Shelby, what do we got? There's Thomas Crapper. Tommy Crapp. Close. Well, the John's out, but whatever. They called him John, I bet. They better call him Crapp. You know what's the tough one is? A guy who gets hookers is a John. Oh,

right. That was confusing as a kid. His name's John. No, he is a John. What do you mean he is a John? You know, I didn't get it. And then you're pissing the John. Yes. I got to go to the John. Right. The guy that gets hookers? Exactly. It was a lot to process. Thank God we're not kids anymore because you just had to take all this information and not understand anything. If you asked a question, my dad would hit me. Yeah, it's very confusing. Yeah, but you live, you learn, you quiff, you jizz. Yep. That's the key. Apparently I got a miscarriage of Bublin because that did not sound good and it was very warm. Now it's Bad News Bears. Oh, Jesus, Christ. But anyways, Key West was amazing. I had some other shit, but we've gone long. I feel

terrible about even talking politics for a second. I hate myself, but Fort Zachary jumped in the ocean, the salt water, it heals and it's hard to be back. I missed Tom. We had a great time, great laughs, so many good laughs and just, oh, it was beautiful. Great. I had a fun little nugget and I'll get out of here on this. Five AM pickup out of Fort Wayne this weekend, really kicking the ball and I found the perfect sleep remedy for me. I take an edible at night and I just sleep all throughout the night. I was always against edibles. I'm not a weed guy, but it works. So I couldn't fall asleep, so I popped the edible and now it's one of those things where you fall asleep at two and you wake up at 4.30 to get ready to pack and everything.

So I'm still high. So I'm like, I'm high. You hate being high. I feel like an idiot. I'm lost. I'm insecure. I'm nervous. But I'm walking out of the hotel room. Door slams behind me. I got the suitcase. Sun is still down. It's nighttime. I can hear drunks in the hotel room because it's still five. I guess they're still partying. Walk past one room. Oh, I love that. And I just stood outside the door for like eight minutes. I didn't read because I was high. Right. So I was just like, I'm holding my bag just like, oh, yeah, do it to me. Oh, and I was like, I just stood out there and listen, it was so great. Oh my god. Glass on the thing? I had no glass, but I didn't need one. This lady was bolting,

belting. That's so exciting. I love that. Did you hear any reant or the bed hitting the post? A couple of thumps. I think I was a thump. It was a bed or a head or a pipe. I don't know what was going on. Maybe your butt plug fell out and hit the floor. But either way, it was, it was, it was porn. Oh, I love that. That's so fun. Somebody else fucking is amazing. I remember walking up 37th Street in Astoria and seeing a guy really pine. You just saw the two feet. In the window? Yeah, in the window. And he was kind of ripped, which strangely makes it hotter. Of course, of course. Yeah, you just want to see the lady having a good time. You know, that's all you want. Some of these guys watch pornos where they pull the lady's hair and

punch her in the clit and I'm like, I wanted to like it. Yeah, I like a lady just going, you know, whatever. Yeah, coming. Yes, come. I went the leg shake with the thigh jiggle. Give me the whole thing. So, but yeah, then I got on the plane and connected the flight. It was a nightmare, but we made it home, but it was just fun to hear the fucking, I thought of you. I don't know if that's healthy. I appreciate it. I like to fuck and get fucked by my dad. So, I think that's great news. All right, and you're going to be on the road. Yeah, I'm going out there, folks. Well, first of all, we got to plug the Patreon. Yes. Really working hard. Tell them about the Patreon. What'd you put? We got a ton of stuff.

We do one a week now. We got games. We got videos. We got reviews. We got anal. We got all kinds of good stuff. Live apps, tons of backlog stuff, by the way. Even if you sign up today, you're going to be three years behind full of shit. So, if the world ends, get on that Patreon. There's a lot of content, great stuff. We got mugs. We got shirts. The cat's dead. We're going to stuff it. So, get on it, folks. Three bucks. You can't beat it, but give us five. Muggestanza. Tampa side splitters. March 24th through 26th. Coming back to Florida. I love Florida and I love Tampa. So, come out to side splitters. Let's fill that right up. And then, I got the big ones coming. April is Laugh Boston. April 14th through 16th.

And then, Buffalo, the following weekend, 21 through 23. And then, after that, I got it. Oh, my God. I got May 5th through the 7th, Austin side splitters. The weekend after that, I think it was 12 through 14 or something. Good nights in Raleigh. Hell, yeah. And the special, I think, is going to come out the end of April. Oh, that's huge. That's going to be April 29th, I believe. Tentative, but it's all cut together. I got the credits and the music and the thing. God, I got all kinds of shit in the can. I got a special. I got a film coming. I got a short film, a special. And then, a whole bunch more YouTube shit. Get on the YouTube. Tom Dustin and I tellin' our Key West stories up on there. And you gotta familiarize yourself with Tom Dustin.

He's the best. The best. Funniest guy. And yeah, you're cookin'. The content is cookin'. The videos are cookin'. I mean, you're rollin', fatty. I'm tryin'. I'm the new king of content. I got video. I got three different video guys workin' for me. He mailin' me, sendin' me. Hell, yeah. That's sadly, that's the name of the game now. It's a nightmare. It's a lot of work. It never ends. It's a ball up a hill. You want to kill yourself, but it'll sell one more ticket, so who the hell knows? All right. All right. I'm going to be all over the place, too. I'm in Tampa, Daniel Beach Improv, Chicago, Cleveland, Durham, Charlottesville at the Southern, a couple theater dates cookin'. We got shit in my mouth doin' so. Denver,

Cueve Dallas. I'm just picturing the U.S. and tryin' to remember where Phoenix, tryin' to remember where I am. So yeah, a lot of fun stuff. DC, come on out. Say hello. Cueve it up. Get on the Patreon and praise Allah.