Tuesdays with Stories! - #444 San Digaygo

Episode Date: March 22, 2022

Hey ya chooches, it's another hot ep as Joe gives his Batman review before seeing a drunk pilot, while Mark shoots a gay sizzle reel and has a ski weekend with Ari Shaffir and others. Check it out! Check out our NEW MERCH STORE here! New designs and items! https://tuesdayswithstories.bigcartel.com/ Sponsored by: Better Help (Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/Tuesdays), Liquid IV (Support the show and get 25% off anything you order at https://LiquidIV.com with pro)o)code TUESDAYS), Indochino (Support the show and $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code TUESDAYS at https://Indochino.com), Füm (Support the show, quit smoking naturally with Füm, AND save 10% by using code TUESDAYS at https://www.breathefum.com/TUESDAYS), & Draft Kings (Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code TUESDAYS to get $200 in free bets when you spend $5 If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customers only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy ah shit my ass we are back folks we're here we're clear we're a little under the weather Joe's under the wallpaper the something happened in the studio I think all the yelling from the guys divorce on the phone called knock

the wallpaper off the walls it looks like Katrina in here what happened shit there's like dust and it's I think it's dried glue which feels very similar to come yeah let's be honest I think Shelby's living in here on the weekends and maybe fucking prostitutes who knows it's all shedding on me yeah not good it's like he planned this to get back at you yeah I don't know what's going on we just got here it's Monday afternoon this is a metaphor for the the podcast is are we crumbling is it all falling well I just I don't mind if but it's all it's all pipes it's all pipes it's just jizzing on me yeah it's all my hair so

hard to not be a dandruff guy and now I got lice yeah yeah well lice to me yeah I got dandruff it's no joke that head and shoulders doesn't work you gotta get the T gel oh Neutrogena yeah it smells like a power plant that's just the does but I'll tell you you know what the with the dandruff they always tell you keep rinse and repeat that's a marketing scam you gotta just not wash I never want I was just in a room I swam in the Caribbean every day didn't shot didn't shampoo once finally I shampooed yesterday because it was getting a little old yeah well we're been conditioned to to wash your hair too much you need some

sebum you need that natural quay fall in there it's good for you like the black folk they got that natural glow and they pick it up right I never do any shampooing I think I'm too far the other direction I go like you know six seven months maybe a year without shampooing it looks good you got a shine a sheen well this is freshly pooed oh shit Charlie sheen I feel like spinach should have this for a slogan power plant oh I like it all they have a little you know the power plant yeah hey power plant you don't get your noble in there but yeah that's pretty good power plant because there's super food right power plant is better power

plant is fun but I think maybe has a negative connotation power plant nuclear a shitty job yeah whatever but I gotta say I really am under the weather I'm under the the shit because I feel like shit I got back from vacation what's a work trip but vacation really got back from Aruba with a sinus infection and I'm dying maybe not infection but whatever what's her name Casey Anthony Amanda smart no Vander sloot Vander sloot and Natalie Hall away yes hall away yes yes I don't like to talk about it keep the hallway clear but yeah yeah that really hurt tourism over there hurt the tourism and then they're like

is 900 women missing a day in Florida we had one woman a day everybody was looking but Nancy Grace went down there she shit all over the place they hate Nancy Grace great bring up grace yeah grace say grace princess grace I was a pants place I had a sleepover when I was a kid and I slept at my friend's house we had to have dinner together and the mom made me say grace I come from a bunch of atheists bunch of booze bags and I didn't know what the hell I was doing what is grace like what is the actual grace when they say that our father for the food for I have sinned to each his own the kingdom come the potatoes we

appreciate it and then you do the sign of Allah so when you say grace there's not an actual thing you say it just means say something I think there is a thing kind of like the national anthem like there's a set couple of bars but it's mostly just thanking so if someone says say grace and I say hey this is thing I appreciate the food I'm like very excited and I'm gonna shove it in my ass and eat it until I come yeah is that grace or is that not great I think that counts it's graceful you put your own spin on it there's no lyrics to grace it does like two lines you got to get in there Chuck anything I think I think

you're supposed to say whatever you want but they have like a default yes all back on if you're like I don't want to think about it right now right you're like oh thank you God for the yeah for the state of the food rubbing up rub thanks for the grub yeah that counts that's grace but if you say that in a place that has doily place settings and dresses they're not gonna be happy about that yeah doily rules but I don't know that's a good question yeah I think they don't want you doing a if you do a little rub a dub dub put the food in my tub it's they I think they get annoyed it's no good yeah they throw a roll at

you or whatever the hell it is I think there is one that's like the our father like the way you were saying it I think there is one like there's something there's something but I had to say it I panicked and I think I did like a full Kramer I went went hard and on the n-word or whatever but I blew it what are you gonna do but yeah I feel like shit I got the the reflux the stuff knows everything and hopefully it's not COVID I just had COVID two and a half months ago it's probably not and if it is well over yeah it feels like even if you get it it feels like I had COVID it was it was better than this really I don't know

what's up there well for me COVID was just a bodily you know I was just a big pile of diarrhea I was hurting I was weak this is just I got the mucus membrane insane in the membrane and I'm just right there yeah pain right in the sinus dick yeah I feel stuff I mean Chuck's a goner there's no way he's gonna get out of this alive this 13 feet by six feet but yeah so I'm stuffed I'm runny I'm tired I'm achy so I'm just I got shit to contribute but I got a bunch of stuff I was in a ruby for a week I was in Fort Worth for two days laid on me fatty yeah this gay I don't know I meant to take a nap I got a wallpaper falling

on me I'm all fucked up here I know you're like a first responder here that the second tower to fall this is the first we lost the sign even I know I just hate the white dust yeah it's 9-11 I'm told you don't tell ran as easy but that I watched the Batman movie oh eight hours yeah it's lie I watched it twice you loved it loved it he's so sad now I like I like a POW BAM WAP you know I was thinking it will get to a point where they do a spoofy Batman with the tiny ears to come back let me ask you this is anyone ever do this bit because I think this is funny in the movie the guy gets his phone call he says it's for

you shouldn't Batman hold the phone up here that's good that's great and he's like this hello what I like that he's gonna hold the fire I mean I'm like that's that's pure gold that it would add some levity I love it I love they need levity but here's the thing he should have a bat phone that's about nine inches long yeah that would be fun to one of those oh yeah how wow bang oh yeah zoom but I had this thing have you ever had this and I have a full Batman discussion on Joe and run on podcast but you ever watch a movie this happens a lot I'm by myself I'm in Fort Worth the new Batman's out I gotta go see a

Batman so I wake up there's a 1030 show you gotta go see it at 8 a.m. you got it because it's four and a half days long day yeah if I go to a to I'll be late for my own gig right so I get tickets for the 10 30 a.m. I wake up I go for a run I do my push-ups I jerk off put some things in my ass to see if they fit sure I go to Starbucks I have my tea my bagel I do a little writing I get all the stuff done at 10 20 I'm going to see Batman I already got all my shit done there you go 10 30 a.m. Batman it's quiet there's like two other people and so I'm by myself I got my feet up I got M&M's and candy I would have and popcorn

you earned it because you did your work I earned it I woke up so early I'm like this is great about time I leave it'll only be 145 there it is so I'm in there and I go and Batman comes out and he's swinging and punching and Paul Dano he kind of looks like me he's like he does way and I'm going this is great yeah fantastic I love Batman I like Batman too he's cute but I don't like he's so bummed out but let me finish yeah I see it also I text everybody I've ever met I go do the new Batman is fly it's banging I'm trying to do the new slang it's lit it's lit it's fire I'm you know it's it's hot it's

retarded whatever people are saying I yeah yeah I'm texting everybody they go wow I can't wait and I go that's fun good stuff then I'm like you know and of course there's a couple I'm I write there's a couple things I don't like I didn't like this I didn't like this but overall I loved it okay now keep in mind I've been Fort Worth alone suicidal that helps shit gig shit club shit everything nice club sorry I want to work there still but I ain't as high yeah it's tough but it was fun it's good I'm grateful they throw me bonuses I enjoy working there's not a shit club good good town good people up there so I

do the thing and I'm like yeah that was weird that part so but I love that I love that I'm Batman I'm a Batman guy yeah then I go down to Aruba and I'll fill in some details here I'm down in Aruba for seven days Jesus every day it's 80 degrees it's proud 90 degrees and breezy swimming in the ocean the whole thing and we have a bunch nights off so I go we should go see the Batman again well this is with Sarah who hasn't seen it and in Aruba Ray who hasn't seen it no but now you did devoting 19 hours of your life to this bat six hours a day of school six and a half all right all right that's a lot of bad what are we in

Wuhan I mean Dave Chappelle does eight-hour sets every night yeah well nobody's a fan of that either well that also makes me sad and depressed but keep going anyways the referring to yourself as the goat feels weird I don't like the goat or the bat I don't care for goat just say the greatest the best whatever too much goat out there I know and you get I hate goats a goat cheese I like sheep we were in Wales is sheep everywhere there's a lot of fun but sheep is an insult she was bad I know but sheep are beautiful they're fluffy they're fluffy they're puffy they're friendly they wear them there's packs yeah yeah I

think you could you could fuck either yeah you fuck anything really that's true fuck this wallpaper I would like to but anyways to the walls already so I say to Sarah and Ray let's let's go see it'll be fun and they're like oh it's nice out every day but it ends up raining that day which never rains in Aruba plus don't you feel like when you're in a place that's sunny and 80 every day you're like well there's no shortage of sun it's like we have to like capture this sunny day right sunny but a three-hour movie is actually a nice break from pure sun for sure you don't get cancer out here exactly so I

go we'll go to the movies so we go over the movie the four we're going to the 440 showing about time we get out it'll be dinner time it'll be nice nice so I go online to buy the tickets my wife handles the ticket money and you can't click on it so I'm like it must be sold out Batman people are going to the movies in Aruba was that's what Sarah said and I go well listen wait what there's seven hotels all down the street it's the one rainy day and it's the biggest movie on the planet makes sense adds up but you know me I don't trust the online stuff because I'm an old soul you see yes yes so big coat so I say let me

just walk right over there I'll go check it out if I can get tickets I'll get the tickets check it out tickets so I walk over there I walk up to the guy the guy's a Ruby in a Rubin and he says a good sandwich I go well my son I try to make a sandwich out of who's cute but he didn't go for it I see maybe the she so I just jerked off watching them buy tickets but I say hey is there anything left for bad I know it's the biggest movie on the planet I know there's a bunch of hotels everyone's got kids it's a rainy day you got any tickets could you squeeze us in for an old buccaneer sure yeah and the guy goes tickets all

playing tickets and he's like turns the screen is that you can pick your thing he goes it's all available the zero ticket sold I thought it was sold out zero ticket sold have you ever done that will you make a case for why it's sold out and you're like this is why it's sold out get there he's like it's not a single ticket coming here interesting so you were way off way off but you were right not to trust I was right not to trust yes so good you saw the movie 11 times so the three of us had the thing to ourselves now I've seen the movie and I'm like it's pretty good you guys gonna like it like it's to it's

seen it twice I know where this is going and now I'm watching the movie now I got some buddies I've seen all the tricks and the first five minutes I'm like that doesn't make sense I start making fun he makes fun that we're all just shitting on it and before you know what I'm like this is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life what happens they got me because I was alone at Fort Worth yeah you were lonely you were scared you were a bat if you're gonna submit a movie to win an Oscar send the voters to Fort Worth I mean my movie comes out fourth of July I'm gonna play it exclusively in Fort Worth I love it

that's a great idea Fort Worth Fort Wayne Fort Hood Fort Knox that's the tough one that's right good luck getting in there yeah her pussy was like Fort Knox or whatever yeah all right well so now the movie's bad so I shouldn't see it well I think it's somewhere in between well the first time I was I wasn't like this is the bed I was like I liked it it was good but it's got some problems but it's got some fun stuff all right well I'll fly to Fort Worth if I'm gonna see it I'd like to have a good time it's Fort Worth the trip it's it's tricky but anyways that was it but it was quite fun to see it by ourselves

because you can talk and be silly and yell yeah you know he went to sleep she's like I hate this word word that was fun fortnight all right well I still would like to see it but I have to clear my schedule apparently and there's some annoying woke missy things you gotta squeeze it in there they squeeze they got a squeezing a lot of squeeze the public sick of it of course but that's how it goes things have to fizzle and then we go the other way so right I think right now we're on the down slope whoa whoa slippery slope easy tippy toe but all right well okay so it sounds pretty good and did Sarah like it yeah she

hated it we all hated it we just don't want one of us to gum at it I think the I think that a lot of the stuff was good I thought the car chase was like one of the best car chases I've seen in like a mainstream movie in a long time yeah it was so fun it was a real fun there's a real shot nonsense though I mean I you know spoiler alert spoiler I won't spoil but there's a thing I've already heard there's a car chase there's a one thing in the movie where literally a guy a bad guy tells you know Batman a Bruce Wayne hey this is who killed your dad and Bruce Wayne's like what I'm upset about this and the very next they don't pad it it

just goes to the next scene and a guy's like that's not who killed your dad this guy killed your dad he's like what and it just makes him look like a gullible idiot like a plot twist followed by you can't have a plot twist followed by a plot twist in the next scene too much twist this trip it's Tristan turn yeah I think that that was the problem I think that the cinematography was awesome and the tone was awesome but there was a lot of plot stuff that was a little weird it was a little silly but that's fine I don't know it's amazing they can get that wrong they got 38 million people working on this movie it's a giant

crew all these board members and writers and all that and they can still fuck that up yeah well it happens it happens the human flaw human beings are flawed that's two in a row I've made so if you see a bad movie around July give them a little slack they tried their best maybe he's never acted before a movie before go to Fort Worth oh god it's a piece of shit we made a piece of shit so bad I heard good things I can't watch it who saw it who saw it Tim Dylan oh yeah yeah he said it was okay okay enjoyed it he likes it he's also an Irish drunk so maybe to hit home yeah that's true that's what it's about

haha oh spoiler Tim said it but he was also like it's not funny but it's a drama it's a drama yeah there you go Tim hates me oh god no he said he liked it and in eight three hours I'll tell you that no nice and quick 48 minutes total yes and unfortunately your dad is still alive unlike Batman's whoa oh god the weird thing is Batman's it's they keep updating it so Batman's parents died in like 2008 oh literally it's like they shot in 2001 I'm like he was died in Tower 2 I know you know we're getting old because everything I watched now is like back in 1994 I'm like that was a fun little that was a fun time I was a

kid you know like I watched the panel and Tommy Lee thing have you seen that no I haven't watched it's silly it's campy it's over the top but it's fun but everything's like in 94 and they're like Wi-Fi wow they have to go to the the library to find some Google shit to see the website you know and it's like all right we get it they're making a million jokes about VCRs and whatnot but it's fun I enjoyed it you know movie I saw recently that I was surprised to find is quite campy Schindler's list a lot of camps yeah what was I gonna say 9-11 how about this I worked with Tony V comedy legend Boston comedy guy and this

is so crazy when I started doing comedy I was 18 years old so everybody seemed ancient right I found out this weekend that Tony V was 46 when I met him my wife is 44 oh wow I thought Tony V was like an old man when you're 18 you meet a 46 year old guy 48 year old guy you think he's like an old man gray and he was like he'd been around for 20 years but now I look back they're people in their 40s I thought I thought they were 110 now now that you're what 39 yeah yeah now they you feel the same age almost they'll he'll he's like what 62 yes but you're like yeah we're the same yes and these young comics that are

starting now they're 19 they think I'm like 60 I know I know it's weird I can't get it up it's weird I got gray hair we're old oh they're looking at us going I'd like to get to that career I know I want to shoot myself exactly content king but the movie's bad they're remaking white men can't jump to really what are we doing we got enough it's called black men can do anything yes they're remaking it with some rappers is woody and I I gotta tell you I rewatched it out of anger like I'm watching the original so good test it's so funny Wesley Snipes is unreal like he deserves an Oscar for that role would he killed it it's so

many great jokes in it and one of my favorite scripts ever yeah Rosie Perez is hilarious the whole thing's great and it ain't it ain't woke I'll tell you that like they go in like black people you just want to look good you don't care about winning and white people you did but you're all stiff right it's great but they're gonna ruin it that's fantastic great movie and you see Rosie's big nipple right it's a nipple it's bigger than this cup underrated can Puerto Rican cans and but you know they're gonna have the Rosie character she's gonna come in and dunk at the end you know it's gonna be one of those

things we should be paying the same boom 360 tongue the stonkies yeah somebody's gonna be trans it'll be fun what can you do trans women can't vote I don't know that's the new title but either way we've been everywhere you've been ever you've been in Aruba for seven days I was in Aruba for seven Fort Worth for two and my mother's asked for a half a day I feel like after Fort Worth you need seven of Aruba right you know it's a cleanse well I've just been happy to be out of the city yeah the train is it's just like it's like a Batman movie out there it is yeah the face is painted they're taking shits the light

cigarettes I was terrified I know what's he the penguin of the Riddler there's that's the other problem there's 18 villains this is my other thing with the movie just have one villain and you don't have to do the big end of the world crazy just have it be there's a serial killer on the loose the Riddler and he's like oh Riddler and then you get them and that's it yeah they got three mobsters the penguins in there there's another mob guy and I don't need the mob it's a comic book yes it should be the fruit cake and he comes in and blows you and throws grapes at you or whatever it's Andy Dick basically go kill Andy Dick

call today plus you use it up the penguin you could add another movie later with the penguin well the other thing is with all these is it's all it's a franchise you have to set everything up so the first one just setting up the penguin right so he can be a mean later yeah yeah yeah well yeah there you go penguin with this in this global warming I don't know hey hey folks Tuesday's with stories is brought to you by draft King sports book join the action of the biggest college basketball tournament of the year with draft King sports book new customers bet $5 on any team to win and get $200 and free bets if they do if

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online therapy a lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about well go out of your way to treat yourself better to how often do you guys get yourselves the treatment you need not enough I say we've got to invest in ourselves too for me working out or going to therapy as an investment in myself this month better help online therapy wants to remind you to take care of your most important relationships the one you have with yourself it's like that Whitney Houston song here here I believe the children are all super whatever happened I go to therapy once a week Alan is back in

person by the way but I got a stuffy nose so I can't go see him so I might go check out better help I go to therapy I love therapy it's changed my whole life you are your greatest asset so invest the time and effort into yourself like you do for other people better help is online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to it's much more affordable than in person therapy that's for sure and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours great movie invention of the buddy cup film give it a try and see why

over 2 million people have used better help online therapy Tuesday's with stories are sponsored by better help and listeners get 10% off their first month at better help dot com slash Tuesday's that's B E T T E R H E L P dot com slash Tuesday's can't find a better help back to the show who I got a lot to bring down the senior since 75 all right so first things first I had a big excursion cook let me map this out for you please fly to San Diego oh gigs in La Jolla all weekend sold out we're already sold out can't wait you know it's been snowing jizz it's been flurrying here so we're going to sunny

San Diego can't wait it ain't LA LA's full of cunts and hobos San Diego is just the same weather the same hot people and no queefs mm-hmm so I love San Diego and that have you been to that La Jolla store no it's magic baby and they're asking for you no kidding yeah there's a buzz that's my agent no no they don't like him but we'll get you in and it's just like I you know you get these emails before a club like hey can I open hey you're doing that show can I open I get the most for this wow because they just like everybody wants to do that room it's a hot room that's a new thing by the way when we were coming up you had to email

the club and say hey please work me now you email the comedian I know I never met you the club used to pass you now the comic passes you right it's a new phenomenon so great weekend had Alec parent hosting he killed it I had my boy Zoltan he's a San Diego legend check out his special modern mail on YouTube and we just had a great time tweaking bits working out ate all the fucking burritos they got 18 different play you got to try Don Carlos you got to try the taco shop yada yada great weekend now here's the clinker we got eight shows sold out I'm texting with Ari cuz we're going skiing the next following week and

Ari's like well we'll see you Sunday we got three shows at wise guys those shows are gonna sell out they were already sold out and they're gonna pay for the whole ski trip wow so I go oh great so I'm looking at my schedule I'm on the beach I got sunglasses on and I'm like I got two shows in La Jolla on Sunday I got three shows and wise guys on classic Norman classic I need an assistant you got problems I'm a mess I'm not autistic you get the assistant guy email me really the guy Alec Baldwin's assistant oh he did email me gotta get on that guy he sounds amazing I love that guy I'm worried now I've ever got I want to get

this guy and I go I can't afford you gonna talk to Marcus I ignored me and he's gay I like it I'm just worried getting in bed with these queves and then you owe him a bunch of money then they steal money they know your secrets then they run a tell-all book about your asshole I'm scared you're not in bed he works for you that's bad with your manager you bet with Chuck you bet with Shelby yeah with me yeah we're by we're boning we're bad no bad we got bunk beds it's bad trying to get in bed yes he takes me photos of his bed but unsolicited I might add but yeah with a couple of bunnies in there those are

some real hot ladies I don't know bunnies maybe more of a hair we got some listeners let's keep moving all right all right all right first time Chuck's been quiet but all right so um so now I'm freaking out so Ari's mad you know you get a fun-loving Ari you can put a shoehorn up Ari's dick hole he doesn't care he throws a cup of piss at you it's all fun and gay but he's mad Ari yeah he's like you fucked us you're you're like one of the big names on the wise guys show in Utah and if you don't do these shows now you're not contributing to the trip and you're just gonna show up on Monday we're gonna be on the slopes

already the whole thing's ruined right again with the slopes easy with the slurs sorry the hills the hills the bunny hop whatever it's called the black diamond oh Jesus diamond Tuskegee whatever it is so I go I don't know what to do here I love the sold out shows but then we also got wise guys right I can't just cancel to that's that's that's a 250 cedar that's 500 people you gotta be mean to yes so I really do some contemplating and my agents are going they all everybody hates Ari in the business you know hey Darry's he's an incomplete he's a troublemaker and I go I can't cancel these shows are and he's

like wow here's the clinker they work for you cancel these shows you promised me we we booked this shit November I was like he's right but then I go back to the agent like fuck that guy he does Bert he's Jewish we hate him and I'm like the golf club episode in Seinfeld what do you mean the golf go back turn back no keep going yes he's chasing the car or the golf clubs so I said okay how about this I'll call the La Jolla club and you know I hate confrontation I hate all this so I call the club I go around the management I go around the agent will cut the bike in half yes and I go I promise my friend I'm going with other

friends I can't let them down if I don't show up to wise guys they're gonna feel jipped these are like $60 tickets are you know he hiked it up because we got a big house sure so I call the owner of the club I'm terrified he's an owner he's a businessman Jerry men with jobs I know and I go hey I think I got to cancel Sunday and he goes dude you're killing me here and I'm like well think of it like this what if I got a movie I just had to go and he's like I get that but you didn't get a movie and I'm like I know but this happens he's like it happens but you're fucking me and I'm like how about this my worst nightmare I

know like this I'm freaking out I'm shaking I'm on the beach shaking I got the white nose I got the big silver thing you know and I'm like I gotta do it I'm sorry he's like alright well might not have you at the club again I shit so tell me you gotta get me in you're bad man I know I don't be associated with you I know it's it's bad bad news tell me so I go how about this sloppy jalopy I'm coming back into LA in June I'll fly down to San Diego first I'll make up two shows for you and then I'll go to LA and he said you got yourself a deal now so I gave him a make-up date I changed my flight we did all the shows

we had a great time I pissed off the entire staff they're like we wanted to work Sunday make some money but sorry I flew to flew to Utah and what about all these Padres that were getting ready to see you fuck them and now they can't go in June because I got a wedding and boy I'll tell you my my DM blew up sound that was like we've but my DMs blew up like what happened a Sunday you okay what's the fuck are you your big time in us who do you think you are you think you're hot shit what do you what do you a cool guy now you cancel guy I'm like no I fucked up so ah geez but we made it to Utah it was one of the Ari hats off to the guy

Yamaha's off to him because he juggled like seven comedians coming together in Utah he got the house the house is unreal it was in Park City up on a hill hot tub the whole thing I have photos I'll send it to the patreon and he got the shows cooking we did a 3 p.m. a 7 p.m. and 8 p.m. he got a p.m. yeah you got a big suburban he got sushi delivered some sushi guy was a fan he came and catered the whole green room Ryan Hamilton showed up the shows were amazing and then we jumped in the suburban and we drove to Park City and got hammered we did shrooms and we skied all week now who's the group take us to the group tell me the

group hell of a group big group hate group Ari Shafir Shane Gillis O'Neill O'Neill Ryan O'Neill Ryan O'Neill of a she's got that podcast David and O'Neill date Dale and O'Neill it's pretty big life give give that a goog ran is easy Ian fight ants Sean Patton wow so a lot of a lot of fun whites and you know just had a blast I mean skiing all day making dinner at night laughing music playing true for drinking we watch bad movies making fun of the movies throwing stuff at the screen then you jump in the hot tub have a couple of tequila's laugh shit on comics so many inside jokes you know it's one of those things too we had

a fire going then Shane would do one of these to Ari now they're wrestling on the floor we're hollering toward popcorn Adam and pissing on him just a fun time jumping in the snow rolling around and getting back in the hot tub so just one night of shows yes one night first night you knock it out it was it was a little bit of a feat but yeah you know we just had a great there was all sold out boom the club Keith the club owner he loved it love Keith and then we just drove out after we we paid our dues we got our checks and we still made money on top of it wow that's amazing yeah just great me and Shane pocketing white

claws and drinking them on the ski lift on the gondola so you're like oh we're coming up to the ends he had to chug it then you had to hold on to the can ski down with the can throw it away and then the last night we went to a big steak dinner wow big apple pie yeah you don't want to know what that bill was we did a little credit card roulette I already had to pick it up good times just a just one of those magical couple days that is fun that is good and that's where you were you there the whole week or where were you elsewhere well we did Sunday at wise guys Monday Tuesday Wednesday flew out Wednesday on a red

eye to Tampa oh so there was another city yes I was thinking you're in Salt Lake this whole time no no no I would have died I mean just I'm sick because of that trip and red eye doesn't help either these red eyes are the biggest misconception in the business red eyes tough there's no good time to fly we had it yesterday we came back we had a 330 flight and then you get in at 830 you see you lose your day yeah have a little bit of morning but if you have the early flight you get a day where you're going but then you have to get up early right right it's tricky and then you know hey it's five hour flight to Tampa I

don't get five hours of sleep I landed Tampa and then I'll get another couple hours and I'll be fresh as a daisy and then you get 15 minutes of sleep I was in the middle seat and then you land in Tampa at 7 a.m. and the rooms are ready to three come on with the middle seat you make me cry you fucking idiot it's not funny anymore it's angering it's livid it was not funny for me to sit in the middle that doesn't make sense John Goodman and Chris Farley on either end I'm fucking freaking out you got to be either if you're either lying or you're an idiot I can't tell what's going on sitting you a photo I bought the flight I

forget about it then the ticket was wrong to be peep peep peep peep and I go ooh 11b that doesn't sound good he can 40,000 a day it's all pipes it's all pipes oh my Christ assistant an agent of manager a sister something I mean my yeah well yeah sometimes sisters help something I don't know sure this is like a word sister act sister act yeah sister club either way sister sister by the way sister how about this speaking of middle seats yesterday we're flying back from Aruba Aruba Ray books the fly best guy in the world love him the great guy but for some reason he bought the flight 17 months ago he gets

Sarah a window and me and I'll three seat row he's like that way the seat between is open I'm like yeah in October it's open not in February they were at the height of the Ruba season yes he's like now it'll be open I'm like why would that happen why would you think that yeah so then she has the window there's an open seat then me in the aisle and I was like well just sit in the middle and then we'll give someone the window because they'll prefer the window I need the aisle because I pissed 48 times I drink 17 cups of tea and I'm nervous but I put her in the middle of the east but the middle is not bad if

you know the person next to you that helps because you get some arm rest you can you can debate the L I'll take the arm for now and you can lean you can snuggle and you can chat and she's a little frail lady yes exactly so she sits in the window I sit in the aisle that middle is open like maybe it'll be open lady comes hot Asian lady wow and I go I stand up so she can go in but I go hey would you prefer the window because my wife is is in the window and I'm in the aisle and she goes mmm which right away I'm like what I'm helping you out lady and she goes I'll take the aisle oh now she's negotiating I go no no

I'm the aisle I need the aisle and then Sarah pipes and she's like he's got a bladder thing I'm like well I drink a lot of coffee and you know I don't say tea because that's the whole thing I'm a British fag so I say no I like tea though I take a lot of coffee Asians they love tea I think they invented it to be quite I believe so I think China I think Japan oh really feels on Neil's podcast the sleeping at last podcast thank you well there's the China green tips I think it's an old China because China's been around longer maybe China owned Japan at some point was it vice versa it's up with Mao yeah

and the G you might be right G I think China no no he's a good emperor he's struck back that one time yes was it the Empire I guess that's the same thing Emperor an Emperor has an Empire yeah does the Emperor's new clothes then there's a dynasty what the hell's that that was the Patriots at one point I know but I think it goes back to China and a TV show China dynasty China's D I know China's like ducks China duck mighty ducks what are you talking about oh they eat duck paging duck isn't that shiny peaking peaking duck no Clarence French peaking soup in ah but any jizz so

she says I'll take the aisle and I go no I'm the aisle that she goes well I don't want to sit in the window I want I'd like the aisle and I go well the aisle is not available you got the window and then the lady the flight it's a full flight to the flight and he goes what's going on here sugar or something like that like throw some attitude yeah and I go I go I just panic I go all right take the middle you dumb bitch I just shoved her in the middle and then Sarah and I just look at each other like all right so she preferred the middle over the window see she she bluffed and lost I think so yeah I negotiate but she

broughed so she she took the middle and it was weird so I'm like we had Sarah never holding hands across her face yeah well you screwed the pooch there China yeah and Sarah slept on her shoulder and it was very strange I've never heard anybody turn down a window for a middle that's cuckoo bananas but she thought she was getting the aisle she had another thing coming yeah emerald aisle hey Tuesday's stories is brought to you by liquid IV whether you're at the gym beach or sweat lodge anywhere you need to hydrate make sure you bring liquid IV I love this stuff I take one every day you know I need to hydrate we

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so I got hit up before San Diego and this LA production company goes we got a game show idea we think Mark would be a good host could we shoot a sizzle while he's in San Diego will come down from LA shoot the whole thing wrap it up before his shows and head back to the Tinseltown I said great great they go the whole thing will take three hours we'll pick you up we'll buy you lunch yada yada we worked on the script a little together I put some jokes in it these guys are pros they got a good list of bullshit they've done they come out there and they go it's grips and you know lights and cameras and all this action and they go

we just want to add one thing while we're here and I go yeah you know I try to be an open coffin yeah lay it on me and they go yes you and they go can we get a scene of you getting naked what and running into the ocean hmm and I was like that they're like that's gonna be the big button and look I'm a fun free wheel and country girl I got I got a fun attitude I'm down I'm open minded but nudity is not my cup of jizz really yeah I don't know I got a weird sack I got crazy pubes I got a dick with a mole on it I assume they blur the dick and ball well they'll burn show but I'm just I'm with a bunch of mooks out here you know

the crew has to see it can't they give you a nude thing they give you an underwear that's nude colored so we have in the movie they have that and that was one of the gags and that was in the script so we got the the beige what do you call it skin tone new any nude panty and I drop trowel in the middle of the town square and it's a big you know it's a big laugh but they go we can get in that ocean though that would be better and I was like well I'll do the the nude thing in the ocean like the the panty and they go now we want but hmm because but it's funny and then the crew has that footage forever I know

what about a new thong no crack yeah you ruin the crack I see the crack yeah black don't crack so I go alright I'll do it and then the guy goes okay here's what's gonna because the show is about your biggest fears so though you're we're gonna make up that your biggest fear is nudity and getting in the ocean and I'm like well actually I am scared of that they're like so you're gonna overcome it that's the big ending but you're gonna overcome it with another guy what so hell is this show I'm blowing over a lot here but I mean so I'm like okay who's the other guy he's this hot gay guy with a huge dog what huge so we have to hold

hands I'm homophobic I'm hold hands with a naked guy I'm naked that's where you saw Tim Dillon yeah so I'm holding hands with this guy this is the first day I get to San Diego I fly there we shoot this and I'm holding hands with this guy I'm naked it's cold and windy on this nude beach my dick's the size of an acorn my sax the size of Gibraltar oh my god holding hands with this well hung homosexual Sandy Gago yes and Sandy hook for me I was freaking out but I'm holding hands with this guy and I go all right let's just fucking do I felt like a you know those women you see in the 50s who are like they're like okay

get naked they're like you know I felt like that women from the 50s well you know they have these stag films where these women get naked because they have to you know this I don't know the old days okay 90s I'm not familiar but sounds hot well I'll send you a link please but you know those women who get naked against their will either way that was me and here's I felt exploited a violation right so I'm holding hands with this guy I'm like I let's get it going here you know it's like oh I gotta change the lens whoop new battery I'm like come on I'm naked here I got a seagull nipping at my sack here so I

I'm like all right here we go let's do it yeah yeah I roll film roll so sound speeding sound speeding and we're about 10 yards out from the ocean and we start running and then he goes now jump so we have to both jump in unison and that's the end you know oh god and we we do it and I run backwards to the crew because I don't want my dong on film you know I run backwards to the crew this guy's just waddling you know he's fucking feeling good he's confident he's doing cartwheels and they go we got to take it again we must have done it 11 times oh my it was the longest shoot of my life they kept missing it they're like the

jump was off you hit a wave a seagull shit in my eye whatever it is now is there a fluffer does anyone fluff you I was doing my own fluff and I was up there in front of the water cancel for that yeah I know right I was pulling a Fred Willard over there and that's all on film that got everything we finally got it I went home crying wow Jesus so keep a look over that sizzle folks it's just a sizzle I know I know imagine what the show is gonna be I'm gonna be in a blow on a black-eyed alley my fear well I'd tune in for that I'd get on the patreon or whatever but yeah I have photos I'll put the photos on the

patreon I have photos of me butt naked on a beach that's scary and by the way you said you walk back I would shuffle side I'm more self-conscious about my ass it's got acne there's poo on it don't you feel like there's always a shit swipe across your ass cheek always and then there's one of these dangling animals exactly I know I got an inside out asshole I mean there's pimples and I'm not matching the other day I was looking at my ass I got the dip I got a cottage cheese yeah I got a cottage cheese acme comedy club ass right it's disgusting might do some dips I died there occasionally I squat I dip but

I think it's too many brownies and chocolate your cookies at Starbucks goes right to the S but I know so I feel like a fucking weirdo doing but I do what am I squatting yeah I can't do it am I at Instagram influencer model you know it's silly and then I've heard women say I hate a guy with a big ass yeah I don't I don't get I don't understand all the stuff that women do I'm like you're not doing it for us right that I'm doing a bit about this on stage these eyelash extensions I'm like nobody asked you to do that no they got eyelashes out to here like fucking Minnie Mouse and then the butt lift that too I'm like

yeah looks like a big bubble thing right I need to do that I agree and then they get mad as they're like we have to do is because of men and men's society and they run everything I'm like we didn't we didn't ask for the pencil thin eyebrow or the weird liner on the lips no they don't need any of that no no all you need to do is shut the fuck up oh hey hey little miss muffin talking nobody's ever made a sandwich in my life and the last sandwich that was made for me was my mother in fifth grade you want me to make you say what I'll make you say I'd love for you to make you say I'm pretty particular peanut butter and jelly more

peanut butter than jelly that's one thing I never got is my friend is a stay at home dad you know these queefs and the wife makes a big boatload of cheese at the office and he's like I feel like I got to make all the dinners take care of the kids do the laundry because she's doing that and at the office making the the mula so I come home and I clean up the house and do the yard work or whatever and I'm like yeah that's fair so is it why isn't it fair the other way hmm I think it's fair this I think it is too but there's a little stigma hmm you know if you go hey honey I worked all day where's the dinner if you're like whoa

whoa what are you a misogynist you're like well now I'm just I'd like an equal life well I think you got to work it out as long as this communication as long as you say hey you make a sandwich and blow me you fucking dipshit there you go you're good all right all right if she doesn't you hit her that's fine that's I think it's no conversation you just expect it that's right it's bad right I think I don't know yeah you got to communicate where you hit not a marriage counselor sure all right well I basically blew my whole while but I have one little nugget I'm saving hit me a nug or hold on now you go you go I've been

naked on the beach I've been on a red eye well let me five in let me tell you a little bit about Fort Worth but I went down to Hyena's and good weekend I work you know CJ Landry you know him you'll work with him Chicago name sounds so familiar I think he's Dallas all right maybe I know CJ a couple CJ's out there funny guy it's funny how some letters go together CJ anything with a JTJ works CJ RJ RJ AJ BJ KJ Kevin Johnson but you don't hear a lot of I'm KJ Stevenson now J is good but like then this DD Ramon but you never have like a KL tails bad KLM that's that Delta I think they're associated or is

that radio KLM radio WKL LL KLM CD that's now CD lamb there's I guess you could combine a lot of letters it's really you got to make it work yes you have to be the right guy yeah CK didn't work before Louie exactly FF is no good FF is Johnson full frontal I've been there right but anyways I work with him and Zach Webb sweet guys Zach Webb does a joke he goes ever I got my name Zach Webb it's short for Zachary Weber II that's fun that's pretty cute I like it but so CJ and then Lauren Jamison came to the guest but but let me let me tell you this and this may be awkward cuz I think CJ may be a Tuesday but he comes

there we do the show Friday show goes well and it's not an easy room and he's murdering and then he goes man I got this crazy email from this lady oh I was at the show all right it threw me off kilter here Chuck's changed the battery battery camera though it's not the camera oh I see it's a lot of pressure yeah no no two shot Jim choose to his gay well now I'm all thrown off you're gonna be all we're gonna work with Fort Worth I'm all wacky but I want to close up I hate a close-up yeah not not a good close-up on that myself but don't make this a real all right so what I'm talking about so

CJ Landry he gets the email from a lady and the lady and he's like look at this crazy email this woman's a batshit asshole and they'll and the email he reads the email aloud fun word in the in the show in the green room oh in the green room it's me and Zachary Weber II and CJ lamb yeah and on the lamb someone else wait who's CJ lamb lamp job he's an athlete I think I think he's a running bag or a receiver CJ Landry there you go different guy so he's reading the CD lamb is an American football wide receiver yes CD lamb yeah okay that's him he's very good he's electric one of those guys so anyways he's reading the

email and he's like the lady writes a I think you could be better you got some funny stuff but my god you got to work harder you suck wow or some woman's planning and I'm like wow what an asshole we're all like oh what a bitch I can't believe these women but I'm like I think she probably wants to fuck you yeah and then he's like and then she writes PS you were better than Joe list though whoa night I go list and turn what are you doing you're reading this email about how this woman hates me I don't want to hear that no no wow I probably wasn't trying to hurt you but yeah like he could have left that out I mean leave a

warning don't read it I mean what the fuck I get my own emails here every day that says you suck you look like garbage your dick should fall off your piece of shit you're a hack drinking when I wrote that but so he just reads email he's like I know it's what she says neck wow what the fuck that hurts because not only is he bad he's getting critiqued but now you're worse than him I know everything she said about him is now on me but worse but worse yes you stink so yeah I don't know it just hit me I sat there I almost cried yeah now did you have to do a show after that or were you done I had two shows of course he's up there

shucking and jiving and killing of course oh well they all think he's better than me I gotta kill myself so anyways it was the worst weekend of my life I'll never talk to the guy again but yeah maybe he does this maybe he knows this this lady and then he sends an email he goes hey how about this headliner he might have wrote the email I have no idea how I see it's a little ploy but now he's a great guy fucking hilarious and great weekend but evidently I sucked but what do you do now let me ask you this one please put it in my ass if I believe so I could go to Aruba so I go straight from Fort Worth to Aruba brutal

flight five a.m. flight from Fort Worth to Atlanta but I got the Delta Lounge now me too oh it's amazing it's the best I was a united lounge guy yeah piss on your lounge United Delta it's it's Eucalyptus is a there's a Yanni playing there's all kinds of food open bar killer forget about I bumped into Mateo Lane over there so hot gay that's a hot gay that's a sexy sexy homosexual sweet guy funny guy great body glad I went on the beach with him so let me ask you this I go I get to Aruba and then all the pilots the pilot is in the audience all the pilots stay at the same hotel the holiday in Aruba they can kick them up a notch

you think well I think it's you know their corporation that's how they get on top by paying everybody the bottom I see so I get there and there's two pilots on the elevator with me Delta pilots I'm a Delta boy and it's like kind of a shorter older gay man and taller whatever straight guy I guess he wasn't really talking sure the guy's like we'll meet on the beach we'll meet there in a half hour it'll be great and I was thinking about this as a pilot it must suck because you just get stuck with a guy in the cockpit you don't know like a four five six hour flight it sucks if you don't know the guy interesting but

maybe it's fun or you don't like the guy I mean yeah it could that could be a thing but maybe it's falling you show up to a feature weekend and your features killer yeah but what if you get a pilot who's reading emails about what a bad pilot you are a good point you don't want to hack pilots so anyway so they're on the thing and I'm like oh that's fun to see the pilots behind the scenes and now I know they're get to stay in Aruba how fun to go fly your plane then you go out and swim or whatever yeah so I go to the beach bar I meet Sarah they were having some burgers some fish we're eating each other out the pilot just like three

hours later I see the little gay pilot he comes up to the bar and he's like hey Hank let me get another beer let me get a sea breeze and he's getting a bathing suit I could see his bare feet his nipples he's shirtless what the shirtless pilot I don't like to say that that's what I'm saying I'm like hammer this is so weird I'm like if this guy's my pilot I'm gonna dive off the plane wow he's got like a car he's got like a bay breeze it's bright blue there's fruit on it a straw sticking out and he's like got his foot up on the the stool and I'm just looking at his barefoot toenails and nipples toenail nipples of a pilot you're

a Delta man get back to work put a suit on with the sea breeze he's like wow that's weird right that's weird that's a job I don't want to see their nipples no no it's like seeing a fireman blowing a guy well that I've seen my uncle's a fireman yeah good that's how we got to come to the Academy send me the video he's got to work the pole but some job you can see a bartender's nipples your therapist nipples you like to see but a pilot no I want them jerk tucked in hair cut you know upright cap cap yeah the whole thing shiny shoe they all got that same black luggage with the wings and the the waitress the stewardess knows them right

yeah you want a little clean cut with a pilot fly right very strange you got a straighten up a fly right he was he was wacky and flying wrong yeah and now is he gonna be hung over for the flight home like oh hey folks we're gonna take this thing up to 2800 feet give me that Advil yeah it was it was weird it was a weird thing to know these pilots like when you see a teacher at the grocery store that's what it is yeah you see the pilot at the bar it's just it's no good no good I don't like it but anyways apparently he's allowed to do that how this is fun you're in New England or Chuck I was yesterday you know Aruba has

one professional athlete Xander Bogart for the Boston Red Sox from Aruba I think there might be one other baseball player ever but he's the Aruba guy is baseball the most diverse sport of the four major league sports I would say by far yeah MMA might be up there well if you're adding MMA then that's the most international yeah but you're talking for team sports I would say without question yeah they got a million South Americans over there well you got Asian gold or a Dominican you got the Dominicans yep couple Cubans is like everyone's the wildest of Venezuela I'll throw a Japanese cat a lot of

Japanese some Korean now you got a Canadian occasionally but hockey also hockey you got Finland Russia you got a lot of Canada a lot of the States a lot of the way some Swedes yes couple Norway there's a couple Germans dry sidle there you go couple others so maybe hockey dreidel dreidel yeah it's interesting all right so it's we know hockey only is only like 10 countries playing hockey the Czech Republic Finland Sweden Russia yeah hockey's not that big but then it is big yeah it's here but I think you know England they're not playing hockey you know France they're not really playing hockey yeah how did England miss

out on hockey they got cold weather they got white people it seems like a shoe in that's interesting I don't know well I don't know if they have as much ice though because if they're in the what do you call that Gulfstream like it doesn't get super snowy in England maybe that's what it is they never had the ponds yeah over exactly I thought it snowed there yeah maybe I think it snows but I think it snows a lot because that's why it's warm up there all right the way not that it's warm but it's it's not that freezing what about Greenland they're all ice and Iceland but Greenland I think is all I but I

think there's a lot of people there I'll give that a goog on the the Greenland population I think it's small all right play much hockey call in if you know about the Greenland you never meet anyone green greenish Greenland yeah what's up with that Greenland being population of Greenland is 56,000 wow that's a that's my family's that size but man yeah I mean that's crazy 56 thou that's more people of Yankee Stadium has 58,000 greeny I told you no one's living there must be abundance of rape I bet oh yeah what is it two cops I know right the proper name for them is is basically like Eskimos so that like well Eskimos

so it's Inuit or KLALLIT KLM I feel like Inuit's not gonna last long that that feels pretty nobody cares about Inuit he's a fucking Inuit yeah yeah it sounds worse than Eskimo absolutely the hard continent makes it bad it's kind of like server and waiter like I don't say waiters they server like server sounds worse you're serving me you're a servant good point good point the servants protecting servant but yeah so all right so you got a baseball thing what was I saying oh but anyway Xander Bogart he's the star of the Red Sox he's from Aruba so when you're in Aruba I'm a Red Sox guy so I'm like take me by his

house where does he live where do you grow up what's it like so yesterday we're in line it takes three hours to get through customs everything in Aruba so we're in the the line for customs and I look over and I you know how you like your your eyes like a camera in a film I just see a big Boston Red Sox duffel bag oh come on and I pan up the duffel and there's just his big specimen and I like that's him that's Bogart I keep it quiet it's like a make-a-wish and he's in the the global entry because he's like a superstar sure so we're all in the line like assholes I see him he's with another guy who's wearing a he's got a

braves you know bag yeah little smaller guy I didn't recognize him I guess he braves and he's got the bag so I cannot buy like that's him and he's huge and he's buff and he's black one of my wife to fuck him in front of me sure sounds good to me so I look at him he goes to the global entry and I'm like I know that's him that's definitely him and Sarah's like are you sure and I'm like she doesn't even know yet but I'm like pushing her in the bushes and I'm like look around to see if anyone else recognizes him nobody does he walks through and one guy who's on the other side waiting I think he was detained or

something oh he gave him the fist bump and grabs a selfie I'm like that confirms that that's him and he's Sam he's at the diamond earring and he's just a physical spec oh big hunk of man yeah and it was exciting so texting Ray and Ray of course is like get a photo get him do an ad for the show Ruba Ray's tell him what the gig he'll open a host and I'm like I was like he can he already walked away and he's like leave the line I'm telling you go find him I couldn't do it and I look for him but he's not in with the schlubs it's like Ellis Island up there he can't be he's probably in the VIP section the

batter's box whatever oh yeah the dugout it'd be great if he threw you the jersey like a little kid like refrigerator Perry I know and you want to be like I'm from Boston but everybody in a room is from Massachusetts so everyone's just whatever but it felt good and you want to be like that's him yeah and I got the socks Jersey I just haven't even wearing it so I wanted to be like hey look at this but he doesn't give a shit well that's nice you got you caught him I caught him I saw him it's exciting but that is funny because you're like I could see him but then I've been to a million games you can see him in uniform

playing but somehow seeing the guy outside of the ballpark means more to you of course if it's like seeing a pilot at the bars it means more that's right I wish I saw his nipples right well in one day we'll catch a training video or something yeah I could probably see his nipples I bet he's done an ad for underwear pull him up she's but wait I wanted to say one thing oh I lost it shit yeah the rooble rooble global entry Greenland anal entry 53,000 once you said your wife would fuck have I lost it I picked up a bag yeah now I'm picturing Sarah blowing his bow guards bow guards ass all right I'm free it's gone well we

gotta wrap it up anyways yeah you saw him that's nice I can't believe you saw the one celebrity on the island that's pretty wild pretty wild good for you yeah pretty cool but I mean it's a small island I mean there's probably less people than Greenland I got it back what is it about Massachusetts you everywhere I go I go to Key West I was just in St. Thomas in the Virgin Isle you're in Aruba it's all mass people the whole strip well Aruba is the most insane it's crazy we're on the beach it just spread like wildfire like there was everybody within you can see it's like the south shore south down there but

Massachusetts is so cold yeah so bitter and it's so dense there's so many people in New England also everybody says I'm from Boston Massachusetts but you got a factor in Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, Massachusetts it's a ton of people and it's so cold and shitty there and JetBlue flies direct to all those islands and to Aruba and it's also it's all big families right everyone go everyone in Massachusetts is like a 27-person family so we're all going down there lock stock and barrel and so everybody's down there a lot of New Yorkers in Aruba too it's everyone's from New York, New Jersey or

Massachusetts a hundred people all right you never see a person who was like I'm from Wisconsin never never and they needed to yeah but I think maybe they go to California or Arizona snowbirds yep they call them but all right we got to wrap this puppy up with a bow here where you gonna be there fatty well I got all the big dates coming up next week I'm doing another Astoria Grove 34 I think next Monday and boss of side splitters March 24th to the 26th side splitters Tampa then the big one Laugh Boston that one my whole life is on the line I will shoot myself if it doesn't sell out April 14th through the 16th Patriots Day

weekend we're back maybe baseball is happening the marathon's happening I'll be at the marathon I'll be at the ballgame I'll be at Laugh Boston come say hello then the weekend after that's Buffalo April 21st to the 23rd Cap City May 5th through the 7th the weekend after that is Raleigh I'm doing that one night or you did Wednesday Greenville I think it's like a rock club they sent me photos of you doing it oh yeah that's all right that's how they get me like here's Mark doing it have fun while you do every fucking gig on earth I want to send a back a photo of you in an arcade in front of three people in a middle seat

going he's also sitting in the middle seat middle seat it might be the middle seat of shows but anyways I'll be in Greenville come to that show then good nights and a ton of other shit coming up April 29th is when I'm gonna release the special 209th comedy special heard here first it's gonna be on my YouTube go subscribe this is the one this is gonna really take it off baby I saw it live it's a humdinger it's lunch it's lights out it was killer so you're gonna really love it and tune in for the sign alone the sign was 18 grand at Venmo me PayPal Venmo five six bucks eight bucks yeah 300 bucks if you could because the

sign cost me 48,000 I know it's in a landfill it's that Nile right now I don't know where the hell it is I tried to lug it home I could have bought Greenland for the price I paid for this thing I joined the patreon for God's sake yes we got a lot of stuff cooking something new every week at least I'm you got that check I got it on me I'm dying out here I can't pay my rent oh you're doing fine I'm doing very well all right we got a funny bone Cincinnati this weekend out in Liberty it's out there folks Louisville Comedy Club in Kentucky Dania Beach Improv Indianapolis Helium Carolina Theatre in

Durham with my old pal Sean Murphy stand-up live in Phoenix Calusa Casino Resort Magoobies and Baltimore Addison Improv one of my favorite rooms in a good old Dallas there I think we're going to London too we should set something up yeah I want to do a live gaze my agent's working on something Huntsville Alabama doing some shows with Burt Kreischer we're going back to Red Rocks Irvine Improv Houston Improv Comedy Off Broadway in Lexington San Antonio I'm all over Texas Jesus Christ West Palm Beach and Florida Richmond funny bone lot of great stuff we got a theater tour cooking all over the road the Vic in

Chicago Cleveland the Agora Theater Durham Minneapolis Red Bank Red Bank New Jersey thank you moving oh really my house there I'll come see you I'll believe it when I see it the Mount Basie count Basie I'm moving right in there lock stuck I'll be there all right we love you quiff it up praise our law thank you gang we'll see in hell you're gonna I was just in Tampa you're gonna have a BT's runs it with it well oh I love BT I love Tampa good idea comedy thank you