Tuesdays with Stories! - #446 Poop Shoot Clinker

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

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hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're live this is it Tuesdays with stories we got to start Chuck was fucking two hours late

what the hell happened Chuck the switcher you were not late before the switcher 30 minutes I was here 30 minutes late you blew Kevin Smith I don't know what's going on two clerks three it's all back I wish you were silent buff we were scheduled for new it was 75 minutes late

we're like guns and roses over here what the hell I'm holding my tongue I had to run back to my car because I bought Bray brought back up equipment that's the truth 30 minutes late even before that so that's 30 that's the 30 that's the 30 that's a less than half of 75 minutes I'm gonna get Shelby back on her

I'll kill you Shelby never late once full tenure and he had a limp zero zero late I got a limp dick now that Chuck's on the helm that's alright we're here it's we're queer it's Tuesdays with stories it's Tuesday it's the eve of my 40th birthday I just realized you're old you're over the hill you're gross

40 I got to quit the podcast I can't be doing this my 40s no podcasting is over at 40 it's bad news it's like wearing cargo pants or a flat brim hat what am I gonna be 47 would you shave your legs on Christmas if your father blew your mother in front of you well 40 is the new 20 or whatever they say 10 is the new 11 I don't know I can't keep up our Kelly but I think it'll be fine oh we're fucked and you look great you thin you got hair your soul so we're pre-recording a couple weeks in advance I got all these trips you got trips the whole thing

I got in reality as they're listening I got like 12 hours left in my 30s I got about 13 12 days left should I go bananas should I cheat on my wife should I fuck a guy should I blow Shelby what should I do well blow us first why not do you want to do a party do you want to a shindig or do you want to have a cupcake and watch the NBA finals I'm more of an NHL guy but when you think about blowing somebody it's fun but when you really put yourself there the personality the guy the balls the groove your nose is gonna hit puke

the hair yeah that's the hair the dialogue to me the dialogue that's the good part like imagine I'm blowing you I gotta be like okay Mark here we go take those pants off that's the best part no it's all downhill after that I mean the dialogue is nice we get to chit chat you know I'd like to blow a guy who's like he's got like a like one of those masquerade masks in his mouth is duct tape and he comes in he's got a club foot

they got parties for this I mean this is this is doable but should I do it before I turn 40 save it save it for 60 you can't start blowing guys in your 40s exactly I think you save it for later you get old yeah you don't want to blow that wad too early but then you can't breathe good if you're like 70 blowing a guy because the nose I think becomes restricted

you gotta breathe right open that sinus right up those are kind of done they were huge really doing anything well it was a it was a brilliant invention because it sticks to your nose and it goes and it pulls it open

that was the idea but I mean I was one of my first jokes if you're constipated can you put it across your asshole ooh I like it I was a kid well here's the clinker what's up with the yeah I think the eyeball the baseball black paint I don't think that does anything either no that's old too you don't see that very much anymore

now that they do it's like war paint it's like I'm doing the black the eye black watch out that's a gateway to blackface it sure is gateway to blackface that's the best Star Wars movie return of the n-word yeah but anyways yeah so I don't know

my birthday I'm going to Palm Springs Derek and his wife and the kids are coming oh okay you got a thing so I got that but maybe before you know why don't we go to a diner Chipotle we'll get you a candle and sing a song a diner might be nice

you know a cellar hang yeah we could there's a lot of new people at the cell we just won't invite no no they could watch from afar and do one of these well we got you a birthday clown but loon animals and a penguin a big cake with your face on it that'll ruin my appetite

that mug on a on an icing a big stretch job with a pool and a bar we can put a little herpes on the cake that'd be fun little sores but anyways jimmies remember jimmies jimmies but you guys didn't say jimmies that was very new england I think

and we still say it and every time I say it they'll be like a Gen Z going like looking at me and snapping a photo to post on you know reddit or whatever sure oh is that offensive I think jimmies might be bad now jimmies is bad? yeah my friend sister got yelled at for it when she was like

10 ordering at an ice cream store what does it mean? it's an old slave driving term the slaves weren't named jimmy were they? yeah I think they were they weren't eating ice cream either jimmy cracked corn and I don't care think about that

I think they were more in the cotton game than the corn game oh interesting I'll look it up look it up I guess it's sprinkles now but I thought sprinkles were colorful rainbow is sprinkled and jimmies were

oh that makes it racial then the colorful ones are sprinkles why don't we go all the way and call the colorful ones gays because it's a rainbow we call them pride put some pride on there Jim Crow

oh Jim Crow he's the jimmy bad guy chocolate sprinkles is what you're supposed to say chocolate sprinkles I never liked them anyways I'm a chocolate chip guy I want the chips without I never liked the idea of something on top of your ice cream

because then only some of the bites have the thing it does bug me that's why I like that fudge that syrup because you scoop and the syrup dips in then you can mix I like a black and white swirl it looks like a little dog poop at the bottom sure sure I love eating poop

but yeah yeah I don't get the jimmies either excuse me the chocolate sprinks because it sounds worse chocolate sprinkles sounds like they're moving in the neighborhood this neighborhood's getting some chocolate sprinkles if I got on the subway and there's a couple of chocolate sprinkles

I'd take off doesn't seem good I'm going to the sprinkle parade next week gay pride what was I saying I forgot already I'm on fumes folks I landed today you can't land on Monday no the syrup

oh the sprinkles they don't have any flavor I've taken a big bite of them I pour the sprinkles in my mouth they don't taste like anything that's the flavor it's all color it's all pipes it's all pipes Jerry so it's a myth when I was in high school

I was dating my girlfriend worked at Dairy Queen I've never shared this before but when I'm on my death bed rotting of cancer in four to seven years I will think about I had it all made in the shade because her mother was gone a lot

kind of a latchkey kid her brother who happens to be my best friend now he went to school he went to King's Point Merchant Marine Academy so she had this two bedroom apartment to herself basically I would go over there and she worked the late shift

at Queen like six to ten p.m and one time I was just in the house I was laying in my girlfriend's bed it was one of those like a princess with the things the mosquito net yeah kind of a mosquito net but for girls sure Lowry frilly pink net bullshit

yes exactly frilly pink net bullshit so I laid in the air and she had the little boom box like a little white boom box with the CD where you press the corner yes it pops open I know it well

and then she had Jerry Seinfeld I'm telling you for the last time the CD with the shot from behind the suit the blue beacon theater I believe no it wasn't the beacon one of those Broadhurst Broadhurst I believe it's Broadhurst theater

can we get a Google on that I don't know where that is I think it's like 43rd 44th one of those it was a theater theater he says of the Broadhurst historic theater that I know nothing about pretty sure it's the Broadhurst Broadhurst at 235 west 44th street

there it is all right Broadhurst I found the CD and I was Seinfeld obsessed TV show Seinfeld but at that time I didn't have HBO so I had yet to see the special oh it was big and I said hey I'll throw the CD on I popped the CD in the boom box

I laid in her bed and this was pre-phone pre all that shit so I laid in the princess bed looking at the ceiling I had the hot girl cheerleader girlfriend who was at work she was gonna come home smelling like an ice cream ooh another one with that had the whole place to myself I laid there

and listened to that CD and I howled howled that Halloween bit my god oh yeah look at the pants leg keep it moving I'm Superman look at the pant legs the breathing the mask the wool the fur on the jacket

what's supposed to be I'm supposed to be done by now you want to move it along with the three musketeers unbelievable what's that the orange marshmallow shape like a peanut do me a favor you hold on to that one I mean that bit just cut because it had the plastic mask with the elastic I'm like that was my experience how did he do that

boy this is so much Americana you're up in New England you're in the girls bed you're jerking off you got the CD player she's a Dairy Queen you're listening to a clean comedian it's all it's all pipe it was amazing amazing I died laughing then she came home then your girlfriend's home you got all the dope means from laughing

and we didn't even fuck because we were like teenagers so we came I fingered her belly button and kissed her on the cheek oh yeah watch over that lint it was just uh pure bliss it was gold it was gorgeous small town America innocent time oh it was

wonderful now she hates me Seinfeld is dead and there I'm 40 well what a great little memory there those are the nice moments in life you got to soak them in and uh I'm surprised your lady wasn't a a fatty fatty well you work well you work

I'm just saying you work a Dairy Queen I had my mouth under that nozzle all day I would assume she'd be a bit of a porker no no pork I mean fit as fit can be still is fit I believe I mean I stalk her on Instagram and Facebook and Myspace sure and

Grindr hope you're in the top friends um but uh she was fit and petite and little petite and sweet and okay and uh it was great uh a little cup not a big cup yes a cone well that's okay yeah

I don't know I've been eating too much ice cream cone tits I had ice cream last night it was so exciting so did I I had a hell of a weekend my wife was out of town it's college basketball and arch madness at the time of recording this you're like Kevin McAllister in there you order a pizza you wet the bed you stop a robbery

I mean I literally made Kraft mac and cheese the full pound box and then wash it down with chocolate chip ice cream and you can jerk off on the couch you got porn going you do a little dance I like to dance alone I love I'm always dancing and rocking out loud

and then the other thing was Ron I'm my upstairs neighbor he's out in Europe riding fences and then Steve and Caitlyn my other neighbors they were both on the road so it was just me and the one non comedian oh nice I saw she was walking up the sidewalk and I was walking down the sidewalk on the other side and I wanted to

be like we have a place to ourselves we can get weird let's get cookie but you know I hear you well that's a great little weekend sometimes you need that you know you get the lady out of the house and you kick your feet up and you sleep over well you know what it is it's guilt free sports because there was a big tennis

tournament big basketball tournament so I watched 12 hours and I try to be a good husband where I want my sports but after a while I gotta go all right I'll sacrifice these two games so we can watch share Madison County or river runs through it or whatever right 90 day

fiance or locked up in a broadhurst well I would that I won't watch oh it's bad it makes you dumber yeah yeah that that shit I can't do but I'll watch you know you know gay porn with her yeah well what's annoying is my gal watch she watches all that horseshit TV and sometimes you get sucked

in it's almost like a like a what's a bad tractor beam well what's bad for you heroin sex you see what you guys doing fentanyl you go hey guy this is bad then after three days but you're like alright cut me off a piece and now you're on fentanyl

right that's what these shows are like yeah if you get too sucked in like well that's a midget in a wheelchair fucking a regular dude what the hell is going on here right it's like a freak show it's a car what do you call that traffic jam a pile up pile up there's an old adage if you spend enough time at the barbershop you're gonna get

haircuts hey I like that yes so I'm getting a haircut now at home I'm watching all these horseshit shows I'm getting corn rows in and she's like I'm like alright we've watched two hours of this we gotta move it along well she's like well you watched dumb UFC

I'm like these are skilled men who fight each other there's all their lives are on the line there's 8 million people in the crowd it's killer stuff that it makes me crazy when people compare reality shows to sports they're like sports is just a reality show but I'm like it's unscripted

it's athletic they're playing against each other yes by the way it's live this is the other thing that happens in relationships we're like I have to watch this now it's only on now this is on demand I can't watch the fucking the sweet 16 on your birthday right watch it

now and it's vice versa it's not all weirdly edited where they're like oh the 600 pound sisters took a shit on the porch and you go but that really happened they did get that up and it's all fake it's all pipes it's not reality like we can get another take of this I was just talking about this the other day

there was an episode of home improvement that I remember watching Wilson and the whole thing that's dabbing how do you dab again that's it oh yeah Chuck just did a high hole luckily off camera and then there was this one for 10 minutes

oh that's flossing that's not right that's a floss and then there was like the doggie boomer alert doggie fresh doggie was like I think that's a tit shake no that's doggie I don't know if that's doggie I think so

that was the doggie I don't know about the tongue but look at the doggie the tongue is my own take on it wait what was I gonna say shit basketball sports fuck it was some good the doggie uh shit jimmy's sprinkles

oh god it was important oh wait a minute what was I talking about oh the UFC the sports the 90 day sports on demand oh home improvement 600 pound load Wilson home improvement there was uh an episode the whole episode was it was their anniversary

but the lions were in the playoffs or the pistons whoever the fuck the guys gotta watch the game it's the same cliche every fucking I just thought I'm like well your wife sucks cause you could just say you know this is my favorite thing I know it's our anniversary this happens to be

the same date that we got married on 48 years ago but the lions are all I care about and they're playing one playoff game which is the most unrealistic part of the whole show we just let me watch the game then we'll celebrate after and before we can go to dinner before the game I never understand like if your wife

is like absolutely not you're not watching that game you just get divorced I completely agree I'd be like what are you talking about you're depriving me of my favorite thing yeah what kind of shrew are you like uh you see these commercials where the guy's swiffering

and he's like dancing with the swiffer and the wife comes home she's like he's cleaning he's having a good time what are you Matt you're mad he's having fun cleaning I don't give a start on these commercials it's very strange I'll go photo follow on you come on bring it on jizz on my face cause I don't get it

I just rolled around and did a kick what a piece of shit what's the problem here every single commercial the guy comes in he's just like trying to cook and the spaghetti's like exploding on his face he's like whoo and she's like dumb dad you're stupid and I'm like he's okay he's trying his best

he's cooking he's a nice human being that was a great old Apollo joke AOL so easy even dad can use it oh the guy that bought it you took a piece of shit that was fun you know if a woman is portrayed badly you can comment if a guy is portrayed badly

it's like don't comment no comment whatever we're boomers boomer hey folks Tuesdays with stories is sponsored by better help online therapy you may not realize it but headaches teeth grinding and even

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slash Tuesdays 15% on Raycons buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays get on it oh yeah so uh I gotta tell ya oh boy I hate arriving in New York on a Monday

it ruins the whole rhythm we did a Sunday show buckle up for this one fatty I'm about to throw a clinker right up your poop shoot where were you Cincinnati Ohio it's an hour and 40 minute flight to the top ad

direct from Newark nice airport decent airport although it has the tram I hate the tram well tram Olympics yeah Lea Thomas

I get it but uh I hate the tram I just let me walk everywhere I do walk you don't have to take the tram no one's got a gun to your head you gotta take a tram to get through security to get to the tram to the other security

to a tram to your transfer yeah you get done with security then you get on a train I'm like once I'm done with security I check out that's it for me that's too much mental energy already now I gotta get on a fucking tram to Auschwitz tram stamp

yes so I'm going to Cincinnati best move I ever made American Express uh-huh MX dealt have you used it as you get in the lounge and I go alright and I took the time and I ordered it and this is all foreign for me

I don't know what I put in I made $8 million last year I just lied all this shit and they sent me the car too sweet and you got it in your pocket and I get there and they go my flight's at three I land at five so I'm already kind of pushing it I don't know how you're living this life

well I gotta get to the airport too I have a whole day I did laundry I showered I did a push-up I jerked off I had a sprinkle it was great then you get to the airport so now the flight is delayed so now my manager's like you might have to go straight to the show

show's an hour away from the airport it's at Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty so I'm like fuck now the flight keeps getting pushed back and I go god damn it wait a minute I got that card what's the lounge?

I live at Newark that's a hell of a I've been to that lounge but these lounges unbelievable you don't know what you're missing until you go to one of these lounges there's strippers, there's coke, there's spaghetti yeah yeah it's great it's lunch and I was a united

queef for a while shit box lounge they had ramen noodles, cold cuts and I think like a handy snack united we stand against your lounge you got that right shit lounge, trash lounge bad lounge

so I'm in this delta lounge and now the flight keeps going back and back and back then I eventually get the thing 7am what? so I'm like I'm having a great time in the lounge eating chili it's a buffet, it's a dessert bar I've had 13 gin and tonics

I've had 9 iced teas, 4 coffees and an enema and I'm like this is great and I go I can't make it I'm not going back home I'm not going back home and then coming back tomorrow it's too much not to mention the uber ride was $90

because of these gas prices they're higher than Hunter Biden it's brutal because I'm afraid of the subway so I'm taking ubers everywhere I'm in deaths right now because I'm afraid of the kooks out there yeah yeah yeah it's not good gauntlet of kooks in this city

it's an obstacle course of psychos I'm jogging everywhere I've never been in better shape so maybe she should get some mace you ever thought about that? I thought about mace, someone said you know by the way Salicus one time we took photos of people on the street

I was like isn't this crazy you can't just take photos of people he's like you'll be fine I've never had a problem by the way here's your can of mace I got one too and I'm like well that dog don't hunt those don't jive not to mention he's got a buck knife in his boot that he's going to cut a kid with it he doesn't feel like a guy that could really

throw down either well the hawaiian shirt in the 4 foot 8 doesn't really look tough but sweet kid and he's from Brooklyn so I don't know I wouldn't put it past him to shank a motherfucker I guess yeah he's got the mace and whatever

yeah yeah yeah so he looks like Hunter S. Topson if he lost his job if he didn't kill himself and like retired so I'm in the the lounge there I'm a lounge lizard and I'm on the horn come on we gotta get there so we gotta fly out at 1130

I land at 130 I get to the hotel at 215 the next day no that night oh so I missed the two shows Friday oh cause usually a weekend for the folks at home it's a Thursday one show two Friday two Saturday come home Sunday now I'm doing

two Friday two Saturday one Sunday which I hate but I get it you gotta do that you gotta do your time but I just missed the two shows so then they had to do the whole like hey guys he's not coming if you want tickets we'll reimburse you you can come back on Sunday or you can

say here and watch the openers go really long oh I had some decent openers I handpicked them so it was alright but uh one of the guys he text me was like I'm gonna go out and say fuck Mark Norman I was like do whatever you want and they were like

I know it's a little hurtful but uh I get it so landed at 2 30 2 15 or whatever got to the hotel at 2 30 in the morning and just went to bed and it just fucks you your whole things off isn't there party though that has the moment that you're like

ah a little bit there's a little party that's like alright no work and it's out of my control that's the thing you cancel the show you feel the guilt you want to kill yourself right but if they if you just can't make it you're like there's an acceptance there it's like a blanket of enjoyment there is an acceptance but no one

really accepts I still did the shows I did a little Q&A after like where were you on Friday yeah flight didn't it was delayed uh-huh what do you mean uh-huh I'm not flying it that wasn't drunk uh behind the wheel like uh sully well you've built up a bit of a

reputation for a guy that uh you know double books and stretches the truth from time to time so people might be a little skeptical that you had a corporate gig or you shot a movie or you got laid sure alright alright fair enough but it was out of my anal and I wanted to be

there because now on Sunday I got a pile of merch this high because if I had two more shows I could have sold it yeah that sucks and then the paycheck you you lose a couple grand missing that that first night that's the part nobody thinks about they're like oh it must be nice you have a night off I'm like I take the uh the grand over

this yeah grand would be nice and I'm sitting in the airport but either way grand is good Sunday show show is great and then I'm like well I gotta go do Tuesdays on Monday I want to be back bright and early you know New York if you don't it's like surfing if you don't get there on Sunday you're not ready

for the wave right and you know it's like on Monday if you get there on Monday they just throw you in the ocean you're like wait my board uh I'm topsy turvy I'm like a cork bob it up and down but on Sunday you're ready yes exactly you need the day back you need that we had that recently too we came back from Aruba and we got in it like Sunday

at like 11 30 p.m. so you still lose the Sunday yes yes one day you're right back yes exactly so landed came straight here but the flight was at 7 so you gotta get there at 6 put them an hour out so you gotta leave at 5

so you gotta get up at 4 30 so the whole thing sucks but we're here we're queer we're doing it for the folks this is what I keep thinking about you know I want to move to red bank Chuck has a house in red bank or a cousin or somebody whatever bullshit and I want to be near the ocean I love the ocean

I'm tired of the city I want ocean I want yard I want stars sure I want you know less hobos chasing me yes yes and so I long for it but I've lived 15 minutes from the airport for 15 years what a dream I don't think I'm

ready for it yeah it takes me 10 minutes to get to the airport that's huge I'm gonna be an hour and a half from LaGuardia United is only flies to eight places from Delta I know and so and then I'm even 45 minutes from Newark Newark I hate Newark Newark stinks Whitney Houston's

from there but saints of Newark but you will fly less if you're that far away subconsciously you go that's an hour to the airport fuck that trip it seeps in but then what do I do down there I'm gonna have to set up gigs I could I could set up a gig

a bar gig you can help me Chuck maybe I don't know I could do Uncle Vinny's is closer stress factory sure and live pods at Smodcastle live Tuesdays live Tuesdays whatever that means oh yeah doesn't he have a film festival

or something like that too I was there all weekend I was filming all weekend alright that's enough out of you but I'm teasing Shelby but yeah so what I wanted to say was I'm back and guess what I'm doing tonight

I can't guess cause you already told me Chuck yes Chuck guess what I'm doing tonight you're never gonna guess see the new house now the house fell through by the way floor fell through I don't know what cake shop Joe's birthday cake

cake shop for Joe's birthday oh well that's enough three weeks alright we gotta get ready I got free tickets to see at the Madison Square Garden oh boy Sebastian hey men of Scalch

I am so excited to hear a review of this I can't wait I'm not the I get it I think he's a funny guy he's a good comic he's obviously a huge household name yada yada not my cup exactly but I'm pumped to go see I think our buddy Pat House is opening no kidding I think so

at the garden it's a box I love a box I get a the snacks cereal box yes I got a hook up we have the same agent so he's like you ever where you want to go I'm like yeah and how about this I want to text Jerry

hey dickless you fat hebe you going any chance you're going to old Seabass tonight and he might say oh no shit I got shit to do but it's a good way it's a good lifeline I'm throwing out a preserver

wow I think I might know that Jerry's out of town I got my own inside him still send the text he might be back what do you got well I got a we have a mutual friend who's like I'm going on a trip with Jerry big CQ I'd rather not say

private guy it's Kramer Michael Richards I used to write for him talking wow I thought it was pretty funny I'm going away with Jerry and I said well Kramer and Elaine be there and he said no those are fake characters but good question

it was a fun little battle it was who this could be well I'll tell you off but alright that's good but it's just really it's a reason to poke the bear don't forget about me there when's the last poke what's going on with Jerry no poke I mean he's been doing a movie

the pandemic he's gay he's been doing this pop tart movie for six years it feels like and I haven't seen him I got them I haven't talked to him I'm too scared to text when Norm died I texted him and that was about that was the last time that was

a few months ago yeah it was like less than a year ago maybe in the fall maybe I don't know maybe summer no less than a year because I know I was doing music for the film coming soon and we were at the studio and it was awkward because we were recording music

for the movie and I was with Louis and I got the news and I know he didn't know so I just like sat on it and then like there's the moment where he gets a text and I can see him see and he's like oh my god and I'm like I know I've been sitting on this he's like you didn't say anything sit on my face isn't it weird

like I used to hate those movie scenes where you know a guy's mom gets hit by a bus and he's like oh my god I gotta tell John his mom died and he goes your mom got hit by a bus and the guy goes okay yeah what else is going on and you're like no no I'm serious and he's like what

who would do that who would go oh shut up like who makes that joke randomly your mom got hit by a bus and he's like no one fatty all right but when Norm died I was like that's fucking bullshit so I did the thing I hate you did the thing but people are like people always say like I thought

it was a joke we were like exactly what you're saying but you're like you thought I was doing a bit about your dad being a paralyze exactly yeah randomly out of nowhere we haven't talked six months I just I break the silence by saying exactly you know your dad's I always hated that trope

and every movie did it but yeah so when Norm died I was like ah that's he's he is a comedian so I was like ah that's something going on there he's not really dead Norm I know we love you Norm we love you Jerry how about Shandling that was like years ago isn't that weird I went through my whole

Instagram the other day fun set you a couple fun videos yeah good stuff it was so weird because the pod we were like plugging it the pod was like eight months old this Instagram post where we're like check out our new podcast oh it's adorable it's so weird it was a it was a simpler time

yes it was we said crazy shit we had no stakes we had no repercussions good good time there's something very great about anonymity yeah yeah don't forget that folks all you losers out there who have no following but

there we go we remember Louie would say that to us and we'd get mad I know I know we'd be like shut up you millionaire piece of shit if I could do anything I'd go back to when nobody knew me and we were mad we'd be like I hate him he's in his private jet and now I just kill

wait nobody knows me never mind I'm still good to go we want it both ways we want all the accoutrements you want the restaurant and the jet and the nice car and the money but you don't want to be bothered you don't want to get canceled you don't want to get yelled at you don't want to get

tweeted a bit mean stuff so it's tough it's a tight rope eventually we will kill ourselves yes probably on my 40th guarantee it folks I remember listening to Tuesdays at first and you guys would always just be like I got three hundred dollars for a backyard gig and you used to talk about money all the time

and I was like what the hell is this well we had no money so we made three figures it was a big deal but we'll kill ourselves and we'll do it on the Patreon that's not a bad idea join the Patreon by the way our Patreon is rock and roll so much shit on the tons of stuff

all in the studio all fun all crazy all pipes alright so let me throw this one at you there Sloppy Jalopy please okay what's that the half of it oh you're doing the Shelby sign oh yeah well first of all we miss you Shelby Shelby, R.I.P

um Tuesday's Stories is brought to you by Sheath Underwear you know it we all know it I mean how many times have we talked about Sheath Underwear on the podcast it's our favorite thing in the whole wide world a group check of your parents

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patterns you can't have a pair ready for any occasion you can you can't have a pair oh my god I'm bad at reading but read this folks go to SheathUnderwear.com and order with promo code Tuesdays to get 20% off your first order

and Sheath 100% back money guarantee I'm dyslexic obviously that's SheathUnderwear.com promo code Tuesdays get SheathUnderwear and let them support your balls so we lost the house

Shelby oh yeah the apartment I thought you were telling the fans that we've lost Shelby oh no he's not a house he's more of a shack I'd say but we had the house in Brooklyn the fixer upper the money pit they all went to hell we were about to ink it

sign the deal and the guy wanted more money right before I've never inked anything I want to ink I'd love to ink a deal yes the kitchen ink inking seems fun ink a tribe yes inky oh inky finger inky anger

I'm on fumes but yeah the guy was a real slime ball and everybody got all these gays DMing me like fuck this guy don't buy the house this guy's full of shit I run real estate I build houses I screw people over I flip a lot of flipping it's a bone piles

but yeah so that's it no house well you'll find another house I know but we like that one and it was so much time you gotta go to the realtor you blow him you check out the room you pick out a bed and I did a window frame and all this shit

well they say you know buying a house is a stressful thing or whatever is that right they said something like that I can't remember what they said but age are you S.E. it's a house but yeah so we lost the house but how about this

on the flight you know when you get these delayed flights everybody's pissed everybody on the flights pissed so I had the weirdest interaction and I'm gonna try not to get offensive here oh boy yeah but here we go Jimmy hat, Jimmy hat, tippy toe but Jimmy hat

is that racial what the hell's a Jimmy hat what about Jimmy rigged that's racial plus rigged is one letter off but we're on the flight we land the flight I had a weird interaction I had a big

blonde lady older lady next to me and she got out you know they go boom and everybody stands up ah yes seatbelt sign comes up yes and I'm in the window she's in the aisle and she stood up quick and grabbed her bag down and dropped it on the aisle

and I was like good for you and I'm doing that thing because you got the overhead right over you but you want to establish I am getting off yes exactly the establishment so she got a wild hair her ass and she grabs my bag and goes nice and I got a big

hefty bag full of butt plugs and clannards and what not so she pulls that down I go thank you this lady behind her is dragging like a 5 year old kid kind of a ghetto lady will say and she's like bitch why the fuck you bringing other people's bags down my kid has seizures

I got to get off this fucking plane and the lady was like alright well there's people in front of me like take it easy she's like don't fucking talk to me like that and like she's going at it and so now I'm like I'm gonna let her go you know because I'm technically next this lady's barreling from the back

uh-huh because of the seizure thing and she's like I was supposed to be on the front of this plane fuck all y'all they put me in the back I was supposed to be in the front I was like alright alright easy Rosa Parks but so I let her go and and the blonde lady is doing like a few of these like ah whatever fuck you

buh buh buh like down the what do you call that the tarmac uh-huh yes so I watch her and she's like fuck you bitch and she's trying to catch her she's like gonna hit her she's gonna give her kid a seizure I know and I felt bad for the poor kid she was yanking the arm and eventually

the blonde ladies you could tell she's picked up the pace a little she's high tailing out of there sure it's good and this lady's like fuck you and she's like this is why we don't like white people because the shit like this and I'm like you're in an airport she's screaming these obscenities with a kid

in tow screaming these things and I'm just like oh my god because you don't want to get in the wave of it because then they'll go what are you looking at right that's my biggest fear so you hang back and she did this the whole way down the the the corridor and then where I'm in the uber line and I see

her on the phone going this fucking white bitch but I'm like who are you calling who's just who answers that call if this lady called me I'd be like whoa I'm not answering that she's gonna just yell at me oh my god that's terrifying I mean first of all the seizure what difference makes you as a seizure I think

she was basically saying like I got a medical issue here let me off first I guess and why she's so mad about you taking the other bags she's trying to be helpful because she's saying hey I'm trying to get off this plane and you're helping other people with their fucking bags like move out of my way well I don't I don't get this lady one

bitch she's got some problems I think Bobby's got some problems but I guess a kid with the seizure they should put the wooden spoon in the mouth you ever see that yeah that's a good move that's a fun move they should put a little fudge on that spoon just just to help the guy out a little bit you ever get the spoon fudge with your mom made brownies you

go there you go lick it yeah yeah lick a bowl lick a hair pair of hairy balls but yeah I just any time I see a scene like that I just want to take the lady good how about a hug you need a hug what's going on with you yeah or take the kid away I'd grab that kid yeah I don't

mind a seizure kid no I love a seizure every once in a while you throw a wooden spoon in its mouth and even move on under seizure Julius seizure there you go seizure salad yeah I like that all right not a great salad shakes a lot but yeah so that

just bummed me out and it's just all that built up sitting at the airport all day bumping into people you're hot you're tired you're thirsty you're gay you got a boner I think that's the you just recited the Statue of Liberty give us your hot you're tired your boners exactly gay your angels

you ever think back to me back in the days so the uh I think the Germans know the English showed up in America and then the Irish showed up and they go fuck these guys Irish need not apply these guys a piece of shit then the Italian showed up and they go all right we're cool the Irish

fuck these whops they're greasy they hit each other they got wife beaters on and then black people showed up and they were like I feel bad about everything these are the bad guys right and then we had the 9-11 9-11 it was like these Muslims and then we're like hey we love you guys black white Italian

Irish fuck these and then every black guy was like they're the new n-words remember that bit right so I think we're just here where it takes a while to adapt that's what it is but weren't the Spanish here first Santa Maria and Eva and Eva Marie Santa Maria

Santa Maria the Nina and the Pinta and the Santa Maria there you go Columbus was Italian but it was a Spanish fleet what's up with that I think they left Spain 1492 the ocean blue

Columbus was Italian but I think he stopped in Spain they left from Spain I think so but I think over there in Europe Spain and Italy they're like neighbors it's weird there's some space in between Florida and

Nebraska I think there's a chunk of land and the Mediterranean got it well look at the Ukraine and Rush they're pretty close by the way Jimmy rigged not racist

it came from jury rigged which was like a sailing term G-U-R-Y no not racist it's a Scottish thing there we go but I think if you say these things you might if you have the ectomology set up on your phone I think people hear it they go

right well rigged to got a bad rap with a couple other words with rigged you know Jerry rigged everything is nautical by the way you go back to every you know break the ice that's when the cargo ships would show up and break the ice on the water it's all nautical

Mark Twain Mark Twain oh the twain is the rope I think six feet two knots and then you mark it your mark it twain show you how high the water is

Jerry rigged which became Jimmy rigged how do you like that maybe it'll be Joe rigged at some point I'd like to rig that sounds like a cool guy you know Joe rigged he's tough you got a fist fight how about this speaking of

racial things but this one this is nice this is a sweet one oh we got a nice one okay wow this is just a connection just something about a connection with someone of a different gender and race it just it means more it's big because white guys you know you say

hey what's up there dude yeah see at the meeting hey what's up dude hey wait hey man you're like hey alright little dope me little piece little bit you got like a soul in your spirit nothing better so right before the show I was down here on the corner out in the street

Willie and the boat boys I went to get a Starbucks the Credence yeah the Credence down on the corner out in the street Willie and the poor boys have been

bring a nickel and tap your feet hey what the hell do these lawyers think we're doing in here Willie and the poor boy you know Credence once got introduced on a late night as Willie and the poor boys that's fun anyways so I went down to get a Starbucks tea

and they're back behind the counter and the lady first of all I ordered my drink and then this lady from behind she had already left she came back and she was like an arm and a sling which I never trust ever since sounds the lambs sling is bullshit

plus there's like the assassins that have it in the cast that's how I feel about a guitar case I'm like he's got a machine gun in there not bad every time or candy that's a pedophile with a lot of kids a guitar bag he's just full of toddlers in there

I imagine flipping that guitar open and it's just nothing but smarties I would let him go down on me although I'm not a kid the pubes does the pedophile go down on the kid or vice versa or both the kid doesn't know what going down is

oh fair is fair well I didn't even say hey it's a lollipop although it would be fun to hold up a kid and stand 69 I was wondering about the 69 because there's so little you'd have to really scrunch your bottom yeah that's why I think you gotta hold him up and he'd be so light

I don't think we're supposed to be talking about this alright alright just saying I'm not a condoning it but I'm just saying I had a porn when I was getting called porno bizarro little midget guy and they did all kinds of cookie stuff oh wow I think that's pretty typical

in porn now the standing 69 oh really it's a muscly guy holding a little petite woman right maybe I'll make one please send me the link you're tall well anyway I can get veter well anyways so I'm next

in the queue what are we at the airport? starbucks so I go up to the lady and as my turn I like to really charm you know so I say hey you know me I'll have the grande and then as I'm saying this the lady in the sling

sling blade comes over and she goes excuse me and her lid is off and it's filled to the brim black hot coffee and she goes hey I need some whole milk in here where's the whole milk she does this old handicap lady

weird cripples filled coffee one-armed thing no hook or anything either nothing fun give me a hook at least she comes up with her hot coffee she goes I'm gonna need some whole milk here and two splendas and she's wedging into my territory

because I have the window now I'm next she's got that cast in you and so the lady says you know okay we'll get you some whole milk can we get some whole milk sugar some sugar and whole milk please sugar for her and she's just wedging in my space and I want to just

elbow her back you know yeah break that other arm and so then I say I'd already ordered my grande emperors clouds tea Jesus Christ what an order well that's the name of it it's a green tea that's what they order you sound like some kind of high maintenance

Kardashian I'll have the grande emperors dream wet dream palace but it's not my fault that's the name of the tea grande is the size I'd love to say give me a medium green tea and a herald herald oh the paper Boston fold it and put it under my arms

drink it and take a shit yes that's the dream put my hard hat on or whatever but you know I'm a fucking loser and I go to Starbucks whatever by the way why don't you kill me 4 06 for a hot tea in the city what it shouldn't break for what are these gas prices that killed you

I almost shit blood it's a bag it's a tea bag yes and water and water brutal so I ordered the thing anyways long story short actually short story long she goes she presses the thing and she goes God this POS sucks and I go hey that's fun

POS POS POS also stands for peace of shit POS POS and she's like hearty laugh black woman I love it she went ah that's good that's good nothing better there's another black woman back here and she goes

POS POS and she doesn't entertain she was like didn't get it from her but I went dopamine crazy you got one yes every step away from what you are and you get a connection is more

if it's a you're a skinny white guy with glasses if I get a muscular white guy with no glasses I'm like hey all right if I get a fat guy with a mohawk and one foot even better but you get a heavy black

woman that's like a bunch of opposites yeah I like that you get isis and you're in I mean that's a big one I like I hate myself very much I know cut your head off I mean that would be like yes lower the flag for you you're like alright nothing better

you're bringing the two things with this one I went to a public school so there was a lot of sprinkles and the best thing you could get from the black lady was you stupid when I got a you stupid it was like that was like an applause break high five you know kill sesh

also you know it's a great unifier with you and a black guy if a hot girl walks by of any ethnicity could be white Asian you know whatever Malaysian she walks by and you and the black guy go like that's big nothing brings together

two racial men there like a hot lady well sex is the ultimate language universal yes because you jizz everyone knows right you jizz good website I think that's a country you jizz

are we bombing them I don't know do they have oil the Caribbean I see you jizz republic Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by express VPN if you're a pervert like me you probably used incognito mode it's not as incognito as you think

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dot com slash Tuesdays go to express VPN dot com slash Tuesday to learn more thank you um but yeah so Sebastian tonight I'll give you a full report I'm sure it'll be a hum dinger I can't wait to watch these guineas fucking hooten holler

when he comes out they're gonna it's like Elvis I'm gonna be creaming themselves I can't wait to hear I want to hear about the seats and you're probably in the VIP with the burgers and the beer that's gonna be great you'll probably see all the celebrities around there yes that's gonna be something maybe like

who's that like John Travolta I assume will be there and he like him so much the Stallone I'm trying to think of Italian the celebrities sure sure yeah Stallone uh Brando Mario and Luigi yeah who's Italian that's all pipes that is pipes

um um but yeah let me see I might have something else maybe I got something else I mean I'm hitting the skids oh last thing I gotta say this will be quick I've been at the airport 18 times a year because we travel so much and I gotta tell

you 18 times a day I mean yeah there you go whoever made the sticker because I put stickers on my laptop just so I know it's mine because I go through the airport security so I need to know it's mine the hang 10 fuck your mom is front and center

on that Apple computer and every lady who's going shoes off keys wallet all empty bucket belt shoes whatever they always go what the hell is this what the fuck is going on here or they laugh

it's kind of like a fun sociological experiment some people are like hang 10 fuck your mom what's wrong with you boy are you crazy and then some people are like ah this is awesome it's fun I mean I forgot about that sticker do we make that as a t-shirt or is it too offensive I have one but I only wear it

to you know AC DC shows and shit or like an antifa rally I can't wear that anywhere yeah that was good fun thanks for whoever made that and hit the merch thing look at these mugs mug constants where the cameras were gay give it a goog

here's the clinker call in I mean this is a hell of a mug that's a good look it's sturdy it's hefty yeah I want to pour some piss into that thing it's a four finger mug you so rarely find a four finger love a four finger in my ass what's the most fingers you've ever had in a ladies vagina

three really yeah a triangle right one time I was fingering girl and this is in a hotel in Jersey and who she was like this is a springsteen song I know it was years ago and I'm getting out of this pussy but I was fingering her with two

and she was like going nuts and I went you know what let me just see what happens and I put the third one in so now I got some girth and she came so I'm like oh wow bigger is better you're three finger mark she's a bowling ball one time I put

my thumb in an asshole of a woman nor man hard to tell sure and I had like a hangnail thing and it wasn't pretty I think it was a scraper it stings sometimes you get that vagina juice and they're like oh boy that is spicy yeah well I got the juice and she was upset I was upset

and I was sticking out like a sore thumb and sure it was it was it was like oh the pulsating anal good punk bad but yeah yeah the the hangnail really catch a an orifice just reminded me of an old Don

Gavin bit he goes yeah you know you had the hotel they had the what do you call it hospital corners where they've tucked the sheets blankets in hospital corner I think that's what it's called okay that's what it's called right hospital corners when you tuck the

sheet and blanket in okay because he says that's why they call it hospital because you go to the house because he's trying to kick the sheets out and he sprained his toe and he goes you know a lot of people will lie when they have an injury to make it sound like they're more excited sure me you know I sprained it skydiving with pirates

pirates what a sentence easy on the wall I know I just I felt I was almost like the walk this way video yeah yeah that's a hell of a ride hospital corners you got it whoa there you go he goes I'm afraid I'm gonna drool I'll seal myself in

Don Gavin live with the Manhattan so funny man that guy is so funny but those those sheets I hate the tuck you gotta kick you're kicking like crazy just to get out of there one tuck one no tuck but I watched some comedy this week

I went down to the comedy cellar it was home all weekend watching basketball I go to the cellar I watched Ben Bailey just brings me so much joy he's got some great bits Ethan Simmons Patterson funny guy funny kid he's no social media but he's hilarious yeah well what's it like on the week I'm going

every week I'm trying to buy a home and raise a family and eat up my wife so what's what's a weekend at the cellar like these days because he used to be my whole life well I'm not there too much myself but it was pretty fun I put it for the early spots I think she doesn't like you putting in for early so she gives me the fat black bar so not as great

but I went down I had a 730 at fat black lounge and a 930 at fat black bar so in between I went downstairs to the VU because I don't want to leave because I'm afraid of the streets so I go downstairs to the VU I order some wings and fries

Mike Yard orders the same thing another bonding experience so we're down there eating wings and fries I watched Ben Bailey I watched Ethan Simmons Patterson I watched some Mike Yard and just had a great time you forget how much fun it is to watch comedy and eat wings

it's the best you just kick back and you're like oh that's why people show up to this exactly and it was just bringing me joy and it reminded me that we're part of something you're in the basement the low ceiling, the brick, the nightclub it's packed and everyone's just exuding joy and you forget because it's not that long ago

COVID was happening nobody could go anywhere we're back out we have to really be fresh we don't care how great it is grateful for the human connection the show, the laughing together it's a beautiful thing, no mass everybody's elbowing each other

sling blade, sling state it's a great thing comedy is hot right now it's so fun watching one person after the other you get the enjoyment of a show of like let's see what this guy has to say I'm excited but tonight

we're filming a thing tonight I'm at the Grove 34 I'm at Wayne coming Andrew Chavone of course finally get to meet the Chavone Kid at the live app that's gonna be something, the live app if you're listening is probably out on the Patreon right now but it's the eve of the live app

I'm excited I'm bubbling Jerry, I'm excited, I'm effervescent we haven't done a live since what? Moon Tower or something? it's been years I can't wait and the Chavone Kid if you're listening there chivvy eat because you've been put up on a pedestal

he's a funny guy we had a cigar in my backyard the other day no cigar, cigar, I'm talking break the heat I need some funny you got a lot to live up to, big shoes you know what I did this week? I'm a man I bought a box of cigars it comes to your door

you have to like slice it open, you open it you have a whole box, I feel like a cowboy I'm a cowboy, yes that's a good time you're like a Rockefeller over there you gotta come over and hang in my backyard and have a cigar that's a great night I love the idea, here you go that cedar box, I get to go

which one, which one are they all the same but I pick one, you bite the end off and you put it right up your ass it's pretty fun, I gotta cut it, you don't have to bite come over, you, me, Chavone, Big Dick Rogers we'll have a whole gang I was hoping to be just us I'm not comfortable with that

damn it, Chavone it's true to get my life you gotta love Chavone, he's really funny and he's got some stuff and Karen Fian is coming on, she's gonna be something love the Fian that is a heck of a you don't think we need another guy

no, it's gonna be good, there's us too we gotta be able to talk and then Fian is hilarious and Chavone will be there, it's gonna be something what if we get old Simonson open I think he's in Europe ah, oh he is oh good for him

well, it'd be nice to give a kid five up top I think that gets the room quiet they're getting their chicken wings they're getting their phones off with Chavone? what time is it? I think we're like with three days into this thing 56

it feels late because we were supposed to start 75 minutes earlier Shelby Chuck fucked us, yep, I wonder if Shelby will listen still, I don't think so probably not, I highly doubt it can we sign off, can we give a big sign off, yeah, that's a good idea

Shelby, our number one man, our best producer we've ever had by far, never late once no, no, edit stuff set up the whole studio doesn't have 14 threesomes in a week thin never once, you know

doesn't know Kevin Smith mentioned celebrity directors yeah, yeah Shelby has moved on to greener pastures well, miss you Shelby hard feelings, he's just got other opportunities and whatnot but eight years baby

eight years and Shelby called us and just hit us with it it was like dumb and dumber, I came all this way I know, our pets heads are falling off it's pretty wild, yeah I can't believe he's gone, it's all hitting me now so we'll miss him, I mean

Shelby was there in the early early days at stand up labs yes, yes, exactly we've been sending him the clips when we were at the lunch stuff studios he came there one time I think then there was lunch stuff too then he found us this place, Chuck's

is filming right now people are coming after me, it has nothing to do with me it has nothing to do with me, no comments Chuck planted the seed, it was all his idea but he's very diabolical but hey, thanks for the wallpaper Shelby and hopefully we'll see you on the other side add the mugs, add the merch

Chuck hasn't designed shit the NBC logo that wasn't good where is that, I think I threw those out Chuck's got some good stuff but you've got to kick it up a notch now you've got nobody doing the heavy lifting it's all on your shoulders now there Chuck

Chuck is furious we're joking with you there but yeah, Shelby eight years, we had some good times thanks for the lips send Shelby a thank you a congrats, we love you three man operation for a long time

Rod and Fanny, we got Chuck and uh... we'd love to see some positive Shelby comments and no negative comments about anybody else don't attack the Chuckster we'll miss you Shelby and uh... yeah

end of an error, he said can we do a five minute phone call I did not expect him to commit suicide on air but... to each his anal good... good stuff where are you going to be there well this weekend

or next weekend if I survive my 40th oh that was a spitter it sounded like a camel oh jeez a little aftershock oh my god next weekend

Green Bay next weekend I'll be in Boston the big weekend I'll be there for dates for a year and a half well hey you got a plug April uh... 14th through the 16th I will be at Laugh Boston

that's a big one, it's going to be fun I got uh... Sarah's coming with me I think Mike Whitman will come by Baldrick probably good crew, I can smell your farts weekend after that April 21st to the 23rd Matt Wayne and I will be at Buffalo Helium

we're going to go to the Sabres game too what was that thing Raleigh, Good Nights and then I'm doing Greenville the night before that that's in May that is May 12th through the 14th one night in Greenville May 11th May 5th through the 7th

Austin, Cap City and then June, I got Vancouver coming up I got San Francisco Toronto's getting made up July 29th, Toronto Nashville in August a whole bunch of other shit it's going to be great

and then the special April 29th, what am I doing? go to my YouTube, subscribe right now April 29th premiere watch it for the premiere that's going to be special it's going to be exciting, the big special coming out it's going to be awesome

subscribe and uh... follow me on Instagram and Twitter and mostly YouTube for God's sakes join the picture where are you going to be good stuff, good plugs cooking, iron's on the quiff I'm in the Indianapolis at the Helium

Carolina Theatre in Durham stand up live in Phoenix Calusa Casino Resort in California I think I'm in Baltimore and McGooby Addison Improv in Dallas love that club stand up in Huntsville, Alabama I hear that's a humdinger

doing some shows with Burke Kreischer I think we're going back to Red Rock's Irvine Improv and outside of LA and a Houston Improv back to Tejas Broadway Comedy Off Broadway in Lexington LOL in San Antone West Palm Beach, Florida

Richmond Funny Bone, a lot of good stuff Denver Cleveland and DC theaters, Charlottesville as well Tiki Torch, going to be a hot show get on the Patreon, live apps out there Birch

we miss you, Shelbo Brasila, check out the specials YouTubes, Netflix and check any final things no we miss you, Shelby thank you the good old days

Georgia St. got it did you hit stop oh my god you pressed something that part better be in there Shelby never hit stop alright we're out