Tuesdays with Stories! - #447 Poof Swoop

Episode Date: April 12, 2022

Heyo Tuesgays, it's another hot ep as we're wondering why there aren't missing kids on milk cartons anymore before hearing about Mark's time at Sebastian Maniscalco's show & the Kentucky country fair before Joe has a wild time in Tampa Bay. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native (Support the show and get 20% off your first order by visiting https://NativeDeo.com/tuesdayswithstories), Lucy (Support the show and get 20% Off with the code TUESDAYS at https://Lucy.co) & Fanimal (Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code TUESDAYS at https://Fanimal.com) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me all right hey folks here we are we're back we're in the studio oh no I didn't plug it in what oh yeah you gotta plug it in plug it in plug it in and look at this yeah oh look at that can we get

are we getting this I've always wanted to say are we getting this yes right you know when you have like a missing kid and you're like hi folks look at this are we seeing this can we pan over here right it's always fun when the guest is on late night and he holds up a thing I'm like can you see this which camera yeah they do do that that was big yeah you don't see missing kids anymore I think kids are still missing but I feel like I saw him on milk I saw him on TV I saw him in my basement yeah I see him all the time I definitely missing still but I think they went the way of the they got rid of the milk thing right because

people have dairy allergies they should put it on you know cheese well that's also dairy right good points yeah this idea stinks well you could put it on you know I scrolled through my Insta I'm getting you know hey buy the new iPhone or get these Adidas sneakers how about little Timmy boy got daily raped that's a good point yeah throw the kid up on the Instagram and also I'm like Pepsi Coke cupcakes cookies we're fat aren't we haha good point fat shits pizza boxes pizza right oh that's a big pick yeah huge pick of the kid like eating a slice of pizza that's what you do you tell the parents get your favorite kid pizza

pick do you know those kids that didn't like pizza oh let's get put them in the gulag that that's an American gulag that's a concentration camp oh it was like a pasta no no it sounds like it out of the gulag with the sauce yeah gulag marinara well yeah put it right on the pizza box you know what the problem is there's no money in it hmm you find the kid yeah sure the family's happy the kid is saved but the corporates they want that mula well it's gonna be a reward you gotta put up a reward hey if you don't eat your crust find a kid 30 bucks it's a must yeah you're gonna have some fun

slang there alright well yeah we we want to help the children I wonder cuz kids used to play outside more you hear every 80 year old comic going back in my day we rode our bikes all day and then we fucked each other and drank out of the hose and now it's like video games and phone I wonder if kid napping has gone down or up napping kid napping kid is just napping no kid napping well now they call it trafficking there's a lot of trafficking happen when I go to the airport the airport there's a lot of posters that say don't help out with trafficking I hate traffic yeah seems like they're in traffic we get them

stopped yeah just smack that window right we got you right here yeah do a little DIY checkpoint we're good to go I've got it right here in front of me yeah yeah kids so I think I don't know maybe it's gone I think it's also hard because they track them they have phones the cell phone now if you want to steal a kid you got to break the phone right and then they have the last time the phone was broken whatever they know whether you got them sure plus they have surveillance cameras yeah it's tricky so maybe it's gone down and maybe these kids are you know maybe they'll just fuck you you don't have to steal them

anymore hey kids know about fucking now I mean they got the porno's and all the internet's right there porn hub but they fuck less in that weird yeah the more porn you give them the more they don't fuck yeah that's interesting which I guess goes in the face of like these kids are seeing action or fighting on TV we got to put a disclaimer but maybe if you're watching on TV porn has proved that you're doing it less the proof is in the porno ah I think someone pointed out to me that there's porn where women just try on outfits like they get naked and they'll put on like a sexy outfit then get naked again I'll watch that that

I'm into because it feels real I think they're just like regular old looking women like they're cute women sure able that sounds nice there's women naked hot and then there's women in clothing hot they're both hot you see like a woman in high heels going out on the town or hairs did and she's got a short shirt with a blazer and shoulder pads and nails that's a hot look the Oscars I mean Kristen Stewart forget about it I never even thought about her when people like who's the hottest who's your bucket list fuck it list whatever I always like Emma Stone Roseanne Barr but now I saw Kristen Stewart list it's a short one but

sure sure ambient I saw you know Kristen Stewart she had like little shoe like doily socks like oh I didn't see the doily and booty shorts oh easy we might have to put you on a pizza box here in a minute then she had like a man's jacket unbuttoned with no tips how that a man's jacket geez it really barking up my tree here well it's Jack it what the hell is this she put together like kids shoes 80s NBA shorts and my dad's jacket and the combo just got me it triggered you're right near your your dick hole yeah I think that maybe hit some childhood because you got the kid shoe you think it a little girls at school when you're a

kid then you got the boy's shorts which you see a boner at the locker room and then you got the dad's jacket and he fucked you yeah exactly and then heavy eyes I love heavy eyes I love a long eye shadow and then her hair was swooped all the way a picture of her up or something put up a picture show bow or check we're getting this yeah put it right there which camera get it up there the swoop was big she her hair chose a political side and stuck with it you know there was no going back it was a poofy swoop poop swoop poop swoop Ryan hey this is the best episode we ever did yeah poof swoop sounds like a

great cereal head over the poof swoop it's hard to say with the milk with the kid pizza there we go but oh pet oh by pet oh pizza that's the name my new chain yeah I like that pet oh pizza well that's what they thought was happening in DC ever see that video the cop one of our favorite lines ever no so they had the shooter guy he's one of the QAnon idiots oh really he thought they were selling kids at the pizza place so he went there with his machine gun this is a pizza gate pizza gate yeah but the funniest thing ever the delivery there's a cop they get him out delivery ironically he comes out and

that you know they tackle them and put the knee in the back and they start handcuffing him and he's like they got my kids in there is my daughter in there whatever yeah he thinks just selling kids and then there's like a black cop who just goes oh he's talking about pizza gate and now the cops like what and he's like it's pizza gate he's an idiot it was it's really funny that is I got to see it I can't wait it's funny how certain foods like like Kool-Aid he drank the Kool-Aid you know Kool-Aid just turned into this cult association right we even still say that oh that guy drank the Kool-Aid right he's gone off the

the reservation but I wonder if pizza was like you know Domino's like come on what are you doing don't don't bring pizza into this I'll be trying to sell some pies here well I think just the one pizza place had the problem and it's a gay pizza yeah and then it puts it to the test is any publicity good publicity you know they all that old saying I think so because everybody wanted to go support the pizza because they've had trauma they're gay and I think that's it there you go there I'm like let's go check it out plus you want to see the scene of the crime yes like Columbine should sell pizza oh I like it

oh geez oh boy well yeah tippy-toe but yeah but some of these the Sarah has a theory we talk about all the time a lot of these crime shows they increase tourism like there was that baby that went missing from about that I think Aruba was they hit a low I'm saying the docks like I'm not saying they do it's a it's a jokey theory but you watch the dock and you're like this looks beautiful like there was the one like a room if they did a Natalie Halloway people would be going we got to go down there that's gorgeous it's gorgeous the waves and you could argue much like Chipotle send us some cards much like Chipotle was had

that a coal I scare and you're like I'm not eating there I'm like I'm eating there because they're gonna go double down on the cleanliness same with Aruba bring all the kiddos because nobody's gonna steal them now it's too risky exactly there was another one where a baby stolen from a house she's sleeping and then all the families down the street I think it was in Spain some island or maybe it was Morocco or he left the kid in the house alone yeah but they kept checking every eight minutes it was really mysterious and there's no we call it solution they don't have it figured out mystery oh wow

but the whole time I'm like I got to go to this village it's beautiful right in the water right hey any presses good press apparently 9-11 I think actually does have a pizza place and it's where it was oh just saying tourism you said Columbine right oh boy that's all either way 9-11 no Jews in the building yeah well this really fell apart ah so did the towers all right so get but you know it didn't fall apart mmm the live up the live episode good Lord what a killer but maybe our best yet banger I would say our best episode yet I know we're always saying you gotta get the patreon I know

times are hard inflation my father's gay will Smith is hitting people but my god this live app for the people that were there there was about 80 people there go pack Joe and the whole gang you other people yeah a lot of gays a lot of queefs all gays yeah but well there was about seven seven or eight non-gays and they got into the swing of things baby there was like an orgy they didn't know what was going on and before you know it they were hard and wet they loved it Andrew Chavone eight shit oh it was bad I prayed the night before I got on my knees and looked up at Allah and I said please let this guy bomb he's taking my

shadow or my thunder my asshole my virginity he died died on the vine I mean Chavone I haven't even talked to I deleted this number I blocked them I threw you know dog shit at his face he's banned from the cellar I heard they got a picture of they said don't let this queef it can he's bad I mean it was bad news bears you gotta hear it I mean just every line stinks stank yeah I wish Will Smith gonna come up and give him a little chin music cuz that was a real stinkfest there shiv yeah it was bad he's dead by now I gotta assume I mean just oh yeah the bobble bombed it was more of a bommel yeah a bommel exactly

right at the end he got one in at the buzz you know it was like it was like when the 16 seed plays the one and it's like 140 to 12 and then they put the the kid with Down syndrome in hits a 3 from the corner and everybody carries him out right that's what it was like yeah yeah he had a we're talking about kooks I'll give away one joke just to tease you wet your beak a smooch but he had a we're talking about kooks in New York all the kooks around he said kooks a hazard and boy he got a special needs make-a-wish clap off that and then we got the hell out of there that was pretty brilliant cuz they are kooks of

hazard they are it worked it was a double-double a double-double and double dribble he got whistled for it dribbling on his chin yeah traveling pu he's not gonna be traveling for comedy no one's gonna book him get out of here he's gonna be in New York for a long time bad it was bad but and speaking of butts little hot high butts Karen oh ripped it up she was lunch yet about it I mean caboose maybe the best guest we've ever had with respect to Ron Bennington Krista Stefano Nicky Glaser Yana's Papa's Michelle Wolf are you sure right sure Nick Vaterot yeah but she had some great zinger she came out

swinging she had great lines and sometimes I don't want to get too queasy here but sometimes with the with the ladies you might tiptoe a little maybe some eggshell action but she's all in baby she's fun you can say whatever you want uncensored killed it Fihan killed it killer killed kill killer yeah it was fun cuz we just had opposite was like a battery we had a battery positive and negative down there assault and battery yeah yeah that's true we had plus and minus and Chavone was a big ol subtraction and then we were hot we were hot to handle hot on fire I mean this was wall-to-wall killer easy peasy you

came out cuz I always have a little trouble at the start it's kind of like fucking a girl you're like what do I do here do I put a finger in the ass do I lick a nip you know sometimes when you go down the girl you got to kiss the stomach on the way down like a weirdo sure I've never gone down on a girl but I've read articles I'll send you a link so I never know how to start with the you know it's just it goes from people sitting in chairs and looking at empty stage to two idiots on stage trying to be funny immediately yeah so it's a weird transition you know it's a little Elliot Page there and somebody had a

great job but Elliot Page I'm standing next to those two big adults that said looks like it's our bar mitzvah but yeah so it's always on and then you came out I mean the first four things you said just bam bam bam it was lights out as they say fatty it was hot and we gotta give a shout out to bulger for warming up the crowd Danny Danny bulge came out he did a set that ain't an easy spot either he did a hot seven and rocked it baby he's a pro check out Danny bulger yeah it was diabetes really special and by the way I think it killed Chuck he went into traction the next night I don't know what the fuck I was back shot

out of his thing or whatever I don't know what's going on with him line is all wacky I I think he's he's fucking too much I think he's blowing his back out here getting pegged by all these whores I suspect he's full of shit that's what I think oh no I caught him show me a clinic ad he's like this is the girl and I'm like oh that full of shit that's my sister's friend maybe it's Maybelline I don't know but he's a he claims he's plowing 19 ladies a week so who knows I think he's he's will chamberlain over there in Staten Island yeah so he's dead we got Shelby out of retirement back on the ones and twos

everything feels right in the world yeah delightful yeah so you did to us Chuck and Siobhan can go you know fuck on a tree they stink yeah kick rocks you fucking come goes the Nazis no joking Chuck we love you get that spine fix what he got spina bifida I don't know he's in traction I don't even know what that means traction traction what does that mean let's try to think about let's put our heads together okay well when you're slipping traction is good it's what I'm saying he's getting traction in his career is gaining traction it's supposed to be good but in traction I think traction means like they that's

when they like they really staple you in because if you move it's bad so I think that's when they like they got your head glued to the thing I think like you know who's the RP McMurphy at the end I mean he's lobotomized but it's something like that I think it's when they really you're stuck jammed oh yeah can we get it can we get a reading on that Shelby I think traction as they tie it down it's almost like friction like you need friction to get the tires moving you need traction and then when you're literally unmovable that's the most traction right because you're you're so much traction you can't slide away right

mad on the way it's the opposite of that they're pulling you stronger pulling what this is hospital traction pulling their prick your pile I like a lot of leg pulling the leg all right so traction it's the attraction opposites attract aha there you go track suit so interaction means they're like it's almost like physical therapy I guess they're pulling on the on the muscles traction sounds bad I thought traction or maybe we're using it wrong well I've heard women be like how's the pregnancy she's in traction they're like oh no so maybe that means they're slowly pulling the kid ah pulling the kid out of the

clam right interesting clam eating clam bake it's funny that head comes out I've heard oh this check this out Shelby the stories of women orgasming well I've heard that yeah yeah and some shit their pants oh I know I did that's my dream date to be crowning shitting and coming at the same time in front of a group of strangers to how weird to start your life a baby like pops out and then just it's got his mom's shit all over him yeah I had to get my mother's shit on me till I was 21 now that was a hell of a slip and slide but yeah yeah that's true I don't know if the baby gets shit on it doesn't well if it's coming out of

the pussy the asshole is right that cuz she's laying so I imagine the shit just goes and then the head's coming out right here I mean the pussy and butthole are right next to each other as you know it's like she's the ball and the chef yes exactly so if the shit is spreading it's gotta be the baby must slip right on it well I did read somewhere that I didn't read this I don't know why I said that but my friend's mom has three kids and she said every single kid tore the skin between the vag hole in the a-hole my kids these women with the birthing it's it's horrific I feel for them she's triple vaxed that's the

ultimate misogyny is biology hmm I mean look at that there these ladies have to go through hell just to you know make a life yeah seems aren't all we got to do is jizz and they don't even get to jizz not I know they can they can get a prego without even orgasm which is a cruel trick prego go yeah there you go much biology don't know much about vaginal hey hmm oh they're trying to get my attention oh no I got you but yeah that live one was it was special and just a great hack people started showing up after there's a bunch of comics watching and special night and you know we were in a different room they put us

up in the upstairs part which is a little smaller and I was the first defended like why I think we can't sell out we sold out in 10 minutes baby you can't we can do the VU the village underground but I think it worked better because that VU has a back area and I think you lose a little people there's a disconnect yeah and there's more people that aren't fan if you don't sell out there's more randos you got that right and a rando will really ruin one of our rants I also think they make more money at the VU with the stand-up show ah giving us the door I think or have to I just remembered right now we're gonna

get paid for that I forgot yeah no money for Chavone no he should pay us hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by native deodorant you've heard us talk about our love for native they just sent me I got home and there was a new thing it comes like a little push pop it's delightful I love it I want to lick it there's no plastic this was eucalyptus and mint it smells amazing I put it on I'm just smelling my armpits every couple minutes like Molly Shannon in that sketch how they're all that that's why native is releasing their deodorant that that you know and love in new and improved plastic-free packaging

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sign up with Tuesdays for $20 credit towards your first purchase check out Fanimal and experience more yes here here back to the show thank you all right so that way last time we were at the podcast the night before yes big hot date yeah well the pot was on a Tuesday as you do and the night before I got I got a text from my agent saying hey what are you doing tonight I said I got a show or two shows and they goes well if you want to get out of it we got two tickets to the biggest WAP Diego show on the planet Godfather 15th anniversary Sebastian Maniscal whoa all right that wasn't bad but I think that was him I

don't know if that was a doo-wop band or a retarded kid on a Sunday but either way I've never seen him it sounds like that sort of yeah he's got some noises and movements but I gotta tell you you know going to the garden it's a to-do you know the parking the line the ticket the boop boop the metal detector take your keys out all that but when you got that VIP little a little excess I mean it's a game changer yeah I know the VIP I've been that VIP and it is something else it's quite a feeling cuz you just feel like a real swinging dick yes big swing that's Bill that's Will Smith uh-huh swinging dick that's great that's

not bad maybe I'll tweet it to eat it so yeah you're in the bowels as the Bono poster the Gaga the Cosby that hasn't been taken down yet and this food there's I'm going ham I got a mouthful of ham I got a couple of Stellas in me great hang was Rosebud Baker you sure we didn't talk with us no we didn't talk about it okay I haven't seen you since then all right it was Rosebud it was Mateo Pat McGann shows up it's so cool like oh there's the opener this is gonna go on in front of 20 grand people and he's just sitting here talking to us 20 grand people and then like 18,000 other people hello folks so then who else was there

there was one more cat hmm Sean Patton yeah Salvo can oh Salvo can oh yes the Puerto Rican Pat in that column and I'm I'm wolfing down burgers and fries and chicken wings and all that and the lady shows up everybody's hanging out it's a great time and they go you want to go to your box seat you go sure we go to the box seat Pat McGann comes out he does 20 minutes you know first couple minutes is shaky they're seating they're getting drinks but he ripped it he killed he did a little crowd work he's in the round by the way wow the round yes yes round table and killed it and then it's you know he goes off and you're like all

right I don't know much about Sebastian I've never seen him live I guarantee he'll be wearing a shiny jacket and he boy was he I mean that thing came out it was reflective it was it was like a he's doing construction you know you couldn't get past him wow did you have a shirt on underneath he did have a shirt thank God okay it was what we do is Kristen Stewart Timothy Shalamet oh that's shell what was that a shell of it ice skater I tweeted to the shall be leaked just like Zach Morris in the Zac attack episode the same exact jacket no shirt underneath right I'm so excited and it was it was great he came out and just

ripped it there was no political no points no activism no nothing it was just tears a bunch of funny shit about me and my my family and my dick and my childhood that's what I like I like just silly silly baloney yeah and you get it you're in the middle of it Sal's laughing he's he's elbowing me I'm blowing Mateo it was like a great night and we're all having a fun time we're all laughing and I realized maybe I'm too I'm of a judgy cunt with comedy I'm a purist I'm a queef whatever but I just kick back put my feet up I had 19 beers in me that might help but Jess had a blast and you didn't want it to end you

know when comedy you're in it and you don't realize it's comedy sure you know you're just so slipped into that warm ocean of jokes that you're just like enjoying it you know you're not sitting there going oh that was a good tag good callback transition anal whatever that's what the greats do I guess but the other thing that has to be noted or mentioned or said is that it's live comedy is meant to be consumed live you got that right that's why it becomes so special I hate comedy specials check mine out couple weeks April 29th on YouTube here whatever you see on YouTube on special on HBO on the big screen it's

just not as good as it was live in the room when you with friends and you're feeling the laughter you see that you're part of the show it's a dialogue back and forth the laughter the jokes and coming back when you're at home you're just on your couch isolated watching other people at the show yeah doesn't work same with a concert you got your phone in your hand you got cheese doodles on your ass you know it's different you're looking out the window at the neighbor who's changing it's it's not the same when you're in it you feel it it's it's like an orgy versus a porn yes ah so just a great time and we laughed and we left and

makes you love comedy again and and the crowd they love him which also makes it fun to watch them watch him they're like I mean when he came out it was like the Beatles yeah that's fun and I bet he doesn't get as much maybe he does I bet he doesn't get as many people being like you fucking loser you suck you're an idiot because they just love them and they're older they're older they're probably don't even use Twitter yeah totally and they just had a good time and I gotta tell you I walked around in the crowd a little bit it I'm talking real day goes these people are speaking Italian it was like an Olive Garden

commercial oh exactly a lot of that and a pys on and pedophile pizza you name it great time and I left and did a set which is always fun to go from this experience to like a little comedy club with 12 people at it yeah you know you get the both worlds there both are legitimate comedy but very different settings and I just ate a big bag of dicks so good times yeah last time I did Madison Square Garden I've only done it three times all with Louis but the night before I hadn't done a set in a couple days I got a warm-up so I went and did a bar show in a basement at like one of that bar is that's right next to

the garden I was like a block away like tomorrow I'm performing there and it was like 10 people at a bar a block away yeah you're like I'm gonna say all the same stuff isn't that funny it's the same thing that's the weird thing about comedy it's kind of magical but it's also fucking frustrating if Bill Burr is that famous story he's doing the garden the night before he goes let me run some jokes at the lol comedy club which is some rinky dink joint on 44th Street rinky stink and they didn't even let him in they're like we don't know who you are he's like doing the garden yeah so he went home you never heard this no I

never heard it famous story a popped in he's like ah no stakes here I've never heard of this club I'll just pop in and knock it out and they're like well you got to be booked he's like doing the garden they're like well whatever that I don't know about this garden good luck with the fruits and the vegetables but wow you're not getting on this stage fatty never heard a corduroy never heard a corduroy um the very pants I was returning what was I gonna say something about Madison Square Garden oh speaking of the Italians I was hanging out with Dan Bulger who's Irish sure but we were talking about the Sopranos uh-oh here we

go he does not care for it what I found somebody else he's like I watched it stinks it's horrible and then Dan Bulger one of the smartest whips out there these guys his story and he loves movies he's a great comic he's a buff hates it he's a buff he's not buff but he's a buff now he's frail he hates it so we're building a movement we're up to two all right you got two for hey you guys like the trans in the 80s you know you're getting there exactly maybe in 40 years you'll be cooking but right now we all hate you someday we're gonna win a bunch of medals for swimming yeah for swimming exactly Sopranos league anti

Soprano yeah well I disagree with bothy I think it's a great show but hey good for good for you finding a soulmate I know we fucked in the ass for a couple days sure it's like that Geraldo joke a gay lion tamer hooked up with another gay lion tamer that's you me too me three how's it looking Shelby we had some technical difficulties Shelby's doing something over there we might have lost the whole episode I'm gonna kill myself oh god we were we were rolling in the beginning I know it was insane but then now if we didn't lose it now we're talking about great the earlier episode was but I might my head I'm all I'm all

pipes over here I can't focus all pipes pipe laying pipe but pipe bomb I hope not but yeah yeah great time at the Sebastian show the gardens a magical place it's so cool because you're on the street there's a hobo shooting jizz at you there's a guy selling hot dogs and as a crazy lady with you know 38 bags of cans and then you go down some stairs and now I'm in the debate the greatest arena I'm watching a killer comic who's murdering and then you finish there and you leave and it's back to jizz I always think that the comedy seller it's just this little bastion because as we talk about every week that it's kook central and

you know whatever the fuck that neighborhood Greenwich Village sure I mean the kooks are just out of control kooks a hazard cookbox and you're downstairs and you just feel so safe and warm and it's packed and there's the brick in the basement and you got to get down there it's killer what's a womb Jerry wound down in these comedy clubs these basement rooms there the light is gone the sun is gone the the sounds are gone it's just you guys in this little fucking capsule together yes hiding in my room safe within my womb my touch no way on and no one touches me a womb with a view out of you I guess womb womb all

the way home that doesn't make sense the view sucks bad show yeah but no it's exciting but can I ask you I was gone I was in Florida for a few days oh Leon Tampa well you were you were gone okay so we have it you think we have it Shelby all right okay we are one of the kooks like give me this kook situation here because I've been gone I keep hoping to the cleaning up I read about irrigate was that coke no that was a silica packet silica Tom silica no Toyota silica it's a you know they keep the salt so the moisture yes yes there you go oh my just got my pussy just got soaking wet well no that would dry it

I thought I kept it wet no no it keeps it dry keeps the moisture out of clothes oh no kidding on mold oh well my pussy got wet for another reason all right Shelby smile I'll take it put a towel down because the kooks are crazy in the village and I'm all fucked up that didn't go anywhere it's on you so I'm so scared because I mean like I we finished the the live pod and I told you me and Siobhan we just sprinted up to the couple blocks and we like like Jerry and Kramer when the fucking street dogs rub them and I slide across the hood like Marty McFly into the door so no kooks get me is it getting any better

because I googled Eric Abrams and this guy he's arresting people he started a task force he's doing Ernie McCracken I don't know what's going on he's like McGruff the crime dog out there he's taking a bite out of these kooks but I gotta tell you should have shown the hobos Siobhan set they would have they would have scattered that's how bad it was but yeah yeah the kooks I don't know I think it's the same I walk around every day the day is fine day is good there's a couple out there they do the the drop the food trick which we've all seen and heard about but they're there they're somewhat behaved with that and

that sun goes down and it's full zombie mode well just got cold again the cold is back as it sends them out of the subway the subway was where it's a problem yeah that's where you're isolated and the street I'll jump them I'll run them I'll scale a tree I'll you know I'll throw like a hot dog over there when they turn around I sprint away sure but the subway it's they're just on you well let me ask you this there's lobby to lobby because I was showering thinking about you the other day and I thought you're doing jiu-jitsu for like three years now yeah yeah that's right look nobody wants to to headlock a hobo

which is a good good term but you know what he wants to headlock a hobo but you you know you can handle it I feel yeah but that's the thing and this is what I talked to Rogan about is like then you're in a fist but what if they pull a shiv a knife and it's not just the physical threat it's the discomfort this hornet in the car of like here we go and then it's always the move of like Wendy you pull the trigger right you know what I mean because you're like the guys close going are you fucking and I'm like do I just punch him now and then what are you doing you punch in a homeless guy it's a whole situation I

know but I do have to remind myself sometimes that I know how to throw an elbow and masturbate in front of my wife you know so yeah yeah there's something to be done are they but I just I don't like the that feeling of like oh god here we go the worst it's the worst I have a friend who told the story he was sitting on the subway wonderful comic and a big kook stood over him and was like I want money and he was like I don't have any money and he's like I want money and he stood over for about three stops I think he was pretending to be home he was a big muscle guy oh no and just standing over him like this and it

was just him and like two Asian ladies on the train which a little hurtful that the guy didn't intimidate the Asian ladies yeah he went right for that went to a man you're like oh geez yeah well usually they could know kung fu and stop Asian hate but I mean that's horrifying yeah that is what do you do there do you hit the guy in the nuts do you bailed I mean he got out of it obviously that's the thing all of a sudden you're in a wrestling match a fist fight I think he just waited it out and was like oh my god I hope this guy you have a fucking heart attack yeah that's the worst feeling the awkwardness

the uncomfortable even when a guy comes up and he's like come on come on man can I get a dollar and I was waiting at a red light and I'm like ah I can't go so the guy's like come on man give me a dollar and I'm like I want my credit card he goes give me the credit card I'm like what are we doing here the ride the credit card it's just it's it's unsettling it's unpleasant yeah I think Eric Abrams is that his name Abrams or is it Adams Eric Adams Adams I think it's Adams family Eric Abrams Abrams was the the producer from LA oh this is Comedy Central yeah yeah great guy great guy he would solve this he's handsome

do I think he's six four that kid yeah something like that he's a hunk hunk of a man but yeah the cooks there they're out and about and I don't know I don't know maybe with the summer it'll get better because I'll go lay out by the beach in the Rockaways who the hell knows but right now it's chilly again so I'm sure it's kicked up again but well everybody knows tourists they're like oh tourists this tour is that they fill the comedy clubs and they make it safer because they're like I lost to little blue cotton right like whatever and you like how they got him exactly the more normies we can get in there the better

mark normies yes exactly I went troopers I walked to buy a cat's is deli the day lying around the block with a bunch of douches with the the caricature paintings and the weird you know photos of them at Times Square and the observation deck so the guy the tourists are back yes that's nice I like the tourists the clubs are full and I'll tell you what else we need is a napkin the business is back 6th Avenue it's a hellhole but I say this like three blocks with no businesses you got to start putting some bars and a CVS and an ambulance whatever the fuck I know there so they can go hey shoe shoe kooks every shoe the kooks

every storefront looks like a like they're doing a BLM sale because just boards that say BLM BLM I know it's bad so I'm a business business lives matter but I think the inflation and all the business yeah you ever watch like 30 seconds of news you're like I'm gonna kill myself oh I don't do it anymore I get all my news from children on the playground it's tell me what you're thinking they're like well I shit myself my hands are sticky I go got it I move on that was me but it's terrifying but bad hopefully it gets a little better but the subway is full and now there's like you know what's it called Omicron B or

BBA to bachelor's degree three by the way I thought Delta 8 was COVID too have you heard about Delta 8 I think I have that's my status right I think them I'm Delta corporate 8 who the hell knows anymore there's 19 groups 15 leagues under the sea but do you know about the Delta I don't know I know Delta 88 which is an old car but all I keep hearing in the is Delta Burke also an old car van sure and a Van Nostrand vandalism what the fuck was I just talking about it's all Delta 8 yes you know about the Shelby ever hear that term I don't know eight it's a new weed thing Delta 8 I've heard like four people say it there was

a comedian that was doing a bit about it and then Baljo is shopping for weed and Tampa and the guys like Delta 8 it's like the new THC horseshit but I shit my pants I thought I thought we're gonna close our doors again it sounds like a strain but then that's what they call weed a strain that's what I had this is the exchange I said I thought that was a new strain he's like it is like no but the I meant like COVID or whatever that's a bit it's kind of like when I worked at FYE for your entertainment formerly record town when 50 cent came out I did the classic bit I worked there and the guy was like you got 50 cent and

I was like oh no I can't help you he's like you got 50 cent here and I was like listen pal this place a business get out of here it's a who's on first over there and you can do that with the who as well you know hey what do you know what band you like the who or which one the who right no I'm asking you who blah blah or guess you it's a fine product guess who also guess who is another band and there's yes yes yeah traffic you got yes which one all right and then there's rush I'm in a rush all right all right we're doing too many boy I'm really as that nine-inch nails found Nirvana yeah that was fun Celica yeah back it but

yeah so I just got back from Kentucky oh you're in Kentucky now Kentucky you know it's known for the toothless the guy wearing a barrel the overalls the jug with three X's on it and you get there it's the skyscrapers there's black people there's cars running around it's normal I know it's just like there's so many hack pants I can talk to you don't like yeah cities are just regular people yeah that was your also your Sebastian impression again but yeah it's just regular bill George Clooney Muhammad Ali Diane Sawyer I think so no kidding yeah look at that he should claim that more that would put that state on

the map a little more because all they got is bourbon and derby and chicken Belgium was tell me I guess is an old letterman where George Clooney was the lead guest and then the band was like one of these crazy metal bands that wears masks spooky masks and at the end of their set letterman came over he goes hey you want to go mess with George Clooney or something like that let's spook him whatever you know he does the pranks yeah I fucked up the line so what happened that was it that was a joke he said hey do you want to go mess with him or something like that I fucked it up cut this part it sucks that's fine

jeez letterman was funny letterman had a moment he's doing a new show I think on Netflix oh I bet it's serious serious already yeah serious XM but so Kentucky I get down there and I'm like I wanted some bourbon I want to watch a horse fucking self or whatever it is so then you get there and you're kind of disappointing because there's nobody in overalls is nobody with the thing out of the mouth and the straw hat but then on Saturday you know I had a couple pops and I for wake up with a hangover I got I got to see some of the city I've never been here let's fuck around walk out the door take a right there's a state

fair going on with goat races wow goat races goat kissing booth goat Dave Chappelle's the goat milk and goats goat milk goat cheese good times yeah go go dancer yeah there was a donkey there a donkey show I got to pet the donkey I took a photo with the donkey yeah it really kept up its name there did you see some bare feet some long grass some overalls not really there was a little some cowboy boots and cowboy hats and some some yokels but I gotta tell you this club is great it's a brand new club I was the third headliner there this thing is shiny sparkly new what's the club again Louisville comedy club it's

the same guys do Appleton Tacoma Spokane Oklahoma City good they're good and the staff was great they run it with an ironqueef and I gotta tell you though those audience drink you better go in there it's a slugfest they love the whiskey yes they do whiskey Kentucky bourbon exactly Massachusetts races that's all there right right I had a guy Blake Hammond Connor King we had a great one of those great week we sat down and wrote on on Friday for like three hours working on our act working on bits and these guys came out these guys hit me up and they go hey we see you're coming to Kentucky we live in Nashville

we'll drive there can we film you hmm I was like bring it on they're like here's some of our work it's all top-notch we just had a great time we're getting clips now you're writing Kanye bits because you know they're gonna be there right it's a good exercise yeah that's nice I was in Tampa no film crew a couple people reached out but you're like oh my god and then last year the emcee was filming the shows and he gave them to me so I was like ah someone will film it and you get there no film I'm an idiot no film in the camera well Tampa films they have a camera well they film if you give them an SD card sure took it from

me and you know whatever I don't know sorry I'm getting I'm getting rusty yeah you're on fumes what happened well you know I was worried that we lost some gold there I had a couple flubs and I got someone coming to my house I got a house guest a week I was all excited you ever have this we just excited every day like this gonna be fun we're gonna hang I'm gonna show the town paint the town brown and then all of a sudden the morning of you like I don't want house guest no horrible God no what do you have to hang there to watch TV with her do you have to chit chat you have to show her around you to get her a metro card

how's that work I'm not sure and she's like a tough broad and I'm afraid of the kooks so I have to like come up with reasons to take a lift I'm like that's a little chilly we might want to grab a lift and she's like isn't the train two bucks don't worry about it I like a little I like to cram into a lift yeah well if you're if you're spotting it it's fine to take a lift you'll be happy to get a lift if you're paying good point you'll be fine but yeah I don't know with the house because you never know how much you got a monitor because New York's hard enough on its own we're all eating a queef sandwich out there and

then somebody else is tagging along behind you and slows you down you out of your rhythm right well then you're also worried that you're like what if you're not that compatible ooh what if I'm like boy my my father's retarded and she's like what are you crazy I got a retarded kid and right father whatever your father you gotta be able to say retard around so that's that's like one of my staunch rules yeah you know these guys who their wives or these women who have husbands that you're like hey don't talk like that you're like I'm with you forever we're fucked I can't say this or he can't say that this is not good well

as I always say you want a wife who was born in the 70s I got a nice 1978 woman she's never ever once been like hey don't say that around me no no she saw Reagan and did blow and got AIDS so yeah she's lived yeah she saw him live at the Orpheum but I was in Tampa Tampa Florida side splitters love the split SS yeah one of the greats one of the great clubs and really soul which is exciting yeah a lot of Tuesdays came out I mean it was Tuesdays all over the place it was like wise guys right they were everywhere wise guys doing the line from Goodfellas but also wise guys in Salt Lake City sure a lot of gays there as

well I just love side splitters and BT has taken over and you talk about running with an iron best guy in the business and they added a there's a bathroom back there now green room room back there and it was just beautiful beautiful they got a new condo I mean that guy gives a shit we got drunk one night he's like I won't pay for a room I won't do it I was like I love it I stayed at the condo with both I have a hotel bulgers in the condo Dan bulger and we drive down there's like I got to drop you off I went in the condo new condo I'm like I'm staying here with you no way it was old school I mean we bumped up together we

slept in the same room make them make two beds so we fucked every night there's a little back porch we're having cigars I smoked about three cigars a day that was a mistake my throat hurts yeah yeah he saw a gator which was wild a little slow so it might have been something else but I thought it was a gator that's close enough sure what are we talking quarterback or a linebacker that was a big long gay tour oh wow a gay tour nothing wrong with that yeah better than a straight tour we should go on a gay tour together yeah Florida gay tour you we could do a thing the gay tour that's not bad we go to Jacksonville Tallahassee

Key West I love it you're a gay tour that's big baby these ideas they just spill out of me I love a spill yes oil spill BP spill the beans BTB P DP put it my ass yeah double pen thank you director photography but boy we had a great time and this is the thing yeah a lot of these comics they write to you and they go can I open for you can I open for you here is the most for young comics out there please most at sea of you agree with this the most valuable thing you have as a feature act or an opener is to have good notes when the headliner working on a new hour that's a lovely nugget you just threw out there

because I'm trying to build a new hour and I said that to bulger we rode on Saturday like much like a Friday much like yourself he's smoking weed I got a cigar was sitting out in the sun I had my shirt off we're just having a nice time we're bouncing bits back and forth for like an hour and a half and I'm writing everything down yes some people go what if you said this you're like God you're you everything he said and it's not like I'll write a joke for you it's like what about this as an angle maybe you say something about that right or that thing of like you tell a story and he's like that's a bit yes that's the

most valuable thing a comic can have is given good thoughts and notes and feedback if we're doing a listing Joe listing I would say it's valuable is does that have a notes offstage watching caring about the headliner stuff whatever we're all trying to get better here to good you have a good act solid act opener should be good act and then three him good hang good hang is important that's very important but even if they're a killer you're like well I hate being around you but the bouncing is part of the good hang true true good point but yeah it was fun we had a great time and then the basketball tournaments

on the golf tournaments on so watching golf watching basketball we went for long walks and it helps to have someone who's like I gotta get some steps in I'm like me too love a step so 12 step we went step step walking we went to some Chipotle we went to some the other place and the shows were just killer Friday early Saturday 8 p.m. unbelievable they want to laugh I think it's a special side splitters for you maybe I mean I do really well there I really like the people down there I like stuff and then they open a second club that's in a movie theater we might go down show the movie there maybe do a couple of bullshit

oh a gay tour and sweet Lou yeah do a show the movie do a couple things and we might be back there where it's getting finalized August 14th big show big show a huge show secret show well the reason is secret but we're coming back down for a little fun in the Sun it's gonna be something this is gonna be a lineup oh yeah like this is primo you're not gonna get this at the garden yeah this might be keep an eye out and ear out by the time this is how tickets may be on sale for this one this one's gonna be the gays and Jew and another guy a little guy big guy fat guy ugly guy funny guy it's the whole game and that's just me that's

gonna be something so that was great and then came back yesterday had the 7 a.m. flight which is all brutal that means you gotta be there at 6 you got to get up at 5 30 I get up I got but you know me that's you mmm I'm a psycho OCD I like tits I like you know feet I like my mother sure I like your mom so I set the alarm for 415 oh good lord plus I rented a car so you gotta return the car car and the car is a shuttle then Tampa Airport there's another train you gotta take two trains that's like Auschwitz I know you got a transfer they only had one train this is worse I feel like they had to transfer that would be the

worst part of the whole thing okay off the train off the train this train I get a direct flight don't make me transfer yeah yeah brutal I wonder if anyone transferred camps that like listen I got my paperwork here can you transfer me to for Auschwitz to uh what's the other thing they're getting traded crack out a drag cow or whatever yeah you got John I gotta play with the other team now right different chamber I got one year of eligibility yep anyway so I get up 415 the alarm goes off which is always because you wake up like this sure the Cosby wake normally an alarm you're like oh boy but those four

a.m. yeah it's a nightmare so I get up I drive over there and nothing crazy but just you fly home you land and it's like my wife is still in bed like 10 p.m. 10 a.m. it's not even I was in my house at like a little before 10 was like 939 a.m. and sneak into bed take a little nap it's Oscar Sunday Chavone came over and he was a little more on I hope so geez I don't know if I'd let him in the home I know you talk about a feature that can help you right after that thing yikes yikes so did he get in bed with you guys in the morning how's that work no I came over a couple hours later and we ordered pizzas Sarah sister came over

and it was real fun we watched the basketball and just yucked and shucked I wish you lived in Queens we'd be hanging every day I know it would be nice and but now you got you got a little Airbnb downstairs well I'm just saying Brooklyn fell through maybe Astoria Long Island City live at a high rise yeah you got a pool out there you got parking it's pretty snazzy then one train bang you're in yeah that's it folks all right something to think about it's not bad I'll I see Donnelly's over there myself it's a good group out there I think Vicky owns Soder the other guy now they both move they're in Gramercy yikes well

that doesn't bode well for the area well you got I mean you got Greg Stone you got Anthony DeVito you got John fit well John fish moved James Matters out there what about Shane Gillis Tom be Pope all those guys Shelby your Queens that's right over there who else is over there Sarah Talibash getting blue close Steve Rogers run on Hirschberg Andrew Chavone lot of just lost me at the end but pretty good lot of whatever it's a who's who who cares but we can use you yeah the who World Health Organization but all right maybe I'll think about it yeah if I could go Brooklyn why not go drag Queen why not go Queens and here's

the thing about Queens both airport I live 15 years from LaGuardia right I'm like 15 minutes from the airport that's insanity get a big townhouse with a pool and a bar and if you go if you get in the highway just you're right out the GW's right there the Midtown Tunnels right there and there's less of these fedoras with the skinny pants yeah and there's less kooks as well no kooks we're kook-free kook-free all right all right zero that's not bad that's my favorite drink but yeah okay you got a pretty good case here fatty and Long Island City very pie with the I mean get a big old high rise with the window floor to

ceiling push your tits up there I love tits on a glass they got restaurants they got bars over there too it's a nice little strip on what is that Vernon Vernon and then you got Grove 34 by the way which I'm doing I'm doing a monthly residential April 25th is the next one you gotta come over I'm doing one already I think April whoever the hell whatever I don't know one of those April's come on out to Wednesday that was another great night we packed it out I had everybody come over I think we might have talked about that one already I can't remember no we didn't talk about it it was Andrew Chavone gave Malika

Isabel Hagan and somebody else oh Matt Wayne is he a story no but he came all the way and the show was sold out packed and we hung at the house first then we went to the other house we were kicking balloons around Chuck shot it all that'll be on my YouTube love a balloon shoot himself yes Chuck get your act together get your back together yeah back in black Jesus this guy's a mess the spine spine it's so weird it's we're talking about their spine I know what are you Mr. Burns come on you're in traction oh he's not attractive no just kidding you look great no but the ladies seem to be sitting on his face or something you

gotta get a lady sit on your face and your dick just to balance you out your crooked well I think we're gonna wrap it up I mean I don't know what time it is what time is it what do you think she'll be over or under what's the over under underwear yeah sure play you throw in 75 ads and a couple plugs let me just throw this at your asshole and see if it farts okay so I had a 330 flight last night 330 that's all I could that Kentucky's got no options there's a 330 a.m. flight 330 that was a 530 noon yes I PM said last night ah well afternoon I got you so it's like I hate getting you lose the day so you're like

I'm gonna get some shit done while I'm in Kentucky just cuz I don't want to just dick around at the airport for nine hours and then fly out and then you land in New York about six yeah lose the whole day the whole night or whatever so I get some shit done I feel so good you know I do the some I hit the gym I go out to eat have a nice meal at Gordon beers brewery Gordon beers it's not great like the son of that it's not good it's like a shitty Ruby twos oh dude's gay but so I get all my shit packed I do some work I get my stuff done I get out to the airport a little early I feel good land and I go I don't think I brushed my teeth

today you ever have one of those are you like I don't know if I did that look are you talking to yeah yeah sure type two so I go yeah did I leave my bag my little what do you call that the dob kit top kid what is that called toilet sure oh toilet yes yes you know it's got my electric razor my Viagra my my brush I love my brush and it's all in there got pills in there I got drugs in there I got razors in there toothbrush I don't think you're using your brush right by the way I haven't hit it today it's a little bedhead it's no good worse than road head like a harpo so I packed I just packed up everything and I had so

much time that I've somehow in a weird like in a rush I would have remembered it was more time I forgot it hmm it's too much time too much time yeah so I'm now I call the hotel they go well you got to sign up for a lost my stuff calm you gotta get the app I'm like oh hey that app get out of here with the apps give me the main dish the entree yes so I that's what you saw me do it I was like oh I gotta put my credit card oh god I'll try the giant how try to try to guess how much for it to ship this you know little square bullshit leather bag with toiletries in it well a number popped up but I don't want to go too high cuz it

fucks up your story so I'll say 35 bucks next day is $99 get out of here today is 80 and then ground is ground zero is 28 oh you're grounded I know I'm grounded coffee so you can't brush your teeth for three days I haven't I'm chewing gum and hitting mince like there's no tomorrow I got 19 altoids in my ass but they rape me on these deliveries cuz they know you need it I got all kinds of shrooms in there and acid and heroin it's all rape I got it's all pipes concert tickets they hit you with a convenience oh I didn't convenient and if you buy eight tickets each ticket has a convenience charge what should be one convenience charge

same same group I'm like this is quite inconvenient these charges you got that right San Diego charges yes phone charges but either way I got fucked up the pooper and it's just a lesson pay attention get your head on a swivel we used to when I open for bird he would do a thing called dummy check mmm the dummy check you heard of this yes of course it's a big military jizz and they they do it out there and you go out of course I packed my my toiletries but you didn't cuz you're a dummy so don't believe in yourself is what I'm saying no I never have never will but this is what you need you need the two's gay

Alec Baldwin guy get the Baldwin guy I loaded the gun no the guy he keeps writing us emails if I feel terrible for the guy I think he's got special needs he keeps writing like seven-page things he's the man he's he's got me convinced but I make eight bucks a week I can't have an assistant plus I'm pretty on the stuff yeah you're doing a retard you got your flying middle seats you're missing I know I was in the overhead last week it's brutal so yeah yeah maybe I'll talk to this queen if he was a cute kid to the game of the live show he's like he's like I'm here hire me you come guys he's handsome he was sitting front and

center and we were like give us some dirt on Baldwin he's like yes field so that's what you want to fuck kids in front of this guy exactly you can go you know chuck your cheese and just blow everybody and he's gonna get you the number all the kids oh I'll see in the ball pit to me it's maybe we'll talk all right Alec Baldwin guy hit me up get him it would make me happy because I mean he's he's the resume is it's unbelievable stacked and I had to I had to write to him like this is adorable do you think I can afford Alec Baldwin's assistant well I can't afford you know who's a bad celebrity I couldn't think

of anybody no he's good maybe our Kelly yeah yeah a lot of tide up there but wait a minute how much this kid charging is the question well I think you work that out I'm not sure that two percent milk we'll do a trial run how about that yeah I think a hundred bucks a week maybe I don't see him that smart no he's young okay well get your stimulus back we'll see what happens maybe we'll talk there all right I would love to see this guy over here taking notes and he's making edits and you know maybe you can fix Chuck's back these assistants you massage Chuck who yeah that's a tough gig all right nobody wants to work here we

go folks we love you where are you gonna be there sloppy oh my god if I got it this weekend this is the big weekend a lot of Boston for the love of Christ you gotta come hell yeah read the word tell your aunts tell your uncles tell your fathers tell you parish come on Robert parish yeah next weekend Buffalo with Matt Wayne helium get some tickets for that it's cold up there it's miserable you almost won the Super Bowl you didn't make it Sabres so come out to that we're going to Saber game Saturday we're gonna Saber every moment Saber cap city May 5th through the 7th in Austin you know I'm terrified I'm not leaving that hotel

I'll tell you that PTSD PTSD my my dick 6th Street 6 cents yeah so come to that one and then the special is just a couple weeks away April 29th subscribe to my YouTube get ready for it watch it live the night it comes out that helps the algorithm or whatever the fuck comment like tweet jizz and join the patreon this live episode is a banger saying you gotta hear Chavone eat shit yeah he really dies on the anal there all right I'm in Phoenix you gotta come out it's a big room folks stand up live in Phoenix I love that town I love those people Baltimore Dallas love that club stand up at Huntsville Alabama stand up

live we might be going to England yes gonna throw that out there for some British queef if he wants to set something up maybe we could do a little hello hello yeah yeah right though governor so then we got doing some shows with Burt Irvine improv out in the LA I'm doing the Netflix Fest whatever that is Houston improv all over Texas comedy off-Broadway in Lexington Kentucky again I love KY jelly San Antonio lol West Palm Beach improv fluoride Richmond funny bow and all kinds of good stuff Brea improv and Orlando so yeah we got a lot of fun stuff down the pike as they say pipe or pike I think it's pike no kidding

wait a minute turn pike pipe wouldn't make sense down the pipe head on a pike coming down the pipe like when you water you turn it on it comes down the pipe I think it's coming down the pike like the turn pike yeah I think so oh and then you know over time okay what do you think Shelby or is pike by itself something a pike is a that was a stick your heads on a pike because wait the Massachusetts we call the turn pike the pike the mass pike mass pike that's the thing but that's short for turn pike right yeah fucks a pike take a pike go fly a pike mmm well whatever it's coming down the pipes and going right into the pike yeah

pike judge there's tubes oh yeah that's bad no well you can watch the tube which is good or tube top to top great for those though oh I love a tube top spaghetti I'll take a tube bottom I don't care that's skirt ah great skirt steak all right that's a good ending yes yes thanks folks praise Allah we love you queef it up tell a friend get on the patreon buy a bug come on and cut it thanks for this Mary Mary Mary