Tuesdays with Stories! - #448 Braff Beef

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

It's a nutty Tuesdays folks, as Mark witnesses a knife fight in the subway and Joe cowers at the kooks taking over NYC! Joe flips for the new movie "X" and scolds Mark for defecating too infrequently! Spinach smoothies!! Heyo Tuesgays, it's another hot ep as we're wondering why there aren't missing kids on milk cartons anymore before hearing about Mark's time at Sebastian Maniscalco's show & the Kentucky country fair before Joe has a wild time in Tampa Bay. Check it out! Sponsors: Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at https://SheathUnderwear.com Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/Tuesdays Support the show and get 25% off anything you order at https://LiquidIV.com with promo code TUESDAYS Support the show and receive up to 60% off your subscription at https://Babbel.com/TUESDAYS Support the show and get up to 34% off some sweet new metal art with the code TUESDAYS at https://displate.com/tuesdayswithstories?art=624740987334c Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey folks here we are is this it now give it a give it a real start hey folks here we are at the conference table at Merrill Lynch in the second

tower of 9-11 me that's as my guest Steve ran as easy no I'm not really here but first of all first and foremost sorry I know a lot of you autistic you're gonna shit your pants when you see us in a different place we got kicked out of the other place Shelby hung himself Chuck is dead yeah fortunately Chuck is literally I think on a gurney right now he's being wheeled out of some hospital Shelby's dead we're at the the Gotham studios we had to pull it together and our our studio hates us they we got a noise complaint I know which is a long time coming we're fucked I don't know what to do we gotta buy these things but

there's no way these things work I don't buy it the squishy fucking oh the soundproof shit yeah this is that's that's a joke there's no way yeah yeah I don't know anymore who knows I think it does work in I see him stapling egg cartons on the wall at the Beale Street studio in Tennessee Beale Street that's BB King oh BB he's good West Sun Studio Sun Sun that's Memphis sorry what did I say you said Beale Street well that's on Beale Street Sun is yeah daughter son and daughter don't call me daughter it also rises so anyways sorry for the new thing because I know a lot of our people are similar to me yeah change we're

sitting in the different side you know I got a glass of water they're gonna be like you should have a bottle I'm gonna kill my parents right right we got your routine man you're a man of habit retarded yeah I'm fucked up in the head and I got problems man I'm homicidal right now I did the thing where you're so early that you become late hate coming late because you know me I mean I'm an early bird I leave four hours early for the airport I came here at 8 15 I camped out outside of our old studio I forgot where we were I fucked up the address the guy screwed up my drink I hate lateness it makes me sick to my

stomach I don't know how you do it it though I hate it to the anxiety the feeling for first of all it's guilt and then it's hate yourself and then it's you're you feeling considerate you feel like you're holding everybody up you feel like a burden that's our big that's our big flaw a bird early bird what's this a bird I don't know recognize that no that's a tell skanks the memories you got any tattoos a bird he goes a bird oh yeah tell you something you like animals right boy he's good yeah he goes any tattoos scars I think you're looking for the women's outreach program Oprah will be with you in a

moment so good that album holds up most common hold up well it's just silly and timeless do you think if I had this discussion yesterday if you watch Jerry Seifel I'm telling you for the last time you'd never seen it men in black they slap it out of your head a lot of slapping you watch I'm telling you for the last time do you think you're rolling or you go that's fine you know I watched it with my family on HBO on the premiere night and we were howling yes but yeah it's a good question I mean it's tough because I've heard it so I can't judge but I think they'd be part so I go that's good yeah they'd be that

but because I watched like Larry Miller evening at the improv and I'm like what a bucket of shit and I like Larry Miller too I mean I haven't seen him in 48 years but you're right it doesn't hold up in those old shows I watched the Doug Stanhope clip he sent me it takes 12 minutes to get to a bit the Stanhope bit I mean he's like the greatest comic of all time and you can see that it's funny but you're watching and you're like oh yuck if you haven't seen it it's on it's like even at the improv yeah like 91 he's got a mullet past his asshole and he literally does a bit where he's making fun of punks haircuts yeah these

idiots walking around with a mohawk he has hair that's like dragging on the ground that's true yeah and that bean town accent was so thick I thought he was gonna sell me a Red Sox jersey and he sounds like Dennis May he's got the you okay he's like talking like this alright fella it's in his bananas yeah well speaking of bananas I got bad news for you Fanny oh no monkeys monkeys how they eat bananas ah well I think a monkey would be good news I'm afraid of monkeys sure they ripped your face off exactly the band sucked I don't see any people that are afraid of animals it's so strange to me well I guess a cat I'm

okay with well cat whatever the whole thing with the cat I hope it's dead no offense leg may whatever but you know I told you I was in Ecuador and there's a horse and I was like you're afraid of a horse that's hilarious I'm like it's a horse it's a horse it's seven feet tall it kicks it's got a long face yeah it eats carrots and sugar cubes it's like a model all right so give me the bad news just hit me with it I came all this way well I took the so I landed in New York this is the New York New York story I landed in New York at 11 a.m. or 12 p.m. whatever it was and I took the subway to meet a friend in Brooklyn don't tell me

knife fight no in front of me I was filmed in video knife fight I'm talking fucking Warriors 80s shit oh my god I can't handle it I'm petrified I was lying it's why I got off the train early I'm too afraid to be on the train I got off at Lexington Avenue and started walking here it's why I'm late Jesus Christ well I get it now I mean I'm on the train it's Sunday afternoon the Sun is shining it's the Lord's Day and Lord sucks there's a hobo you know smoking a full cigarette on the train I walk in he goes you want to you want to hit this and I'm like you know oh it's jarring but you you you adapt as we do oh and in comes

the hobo lady oh hobo lady so we got hobo on hobo crime and and she's doing the hey if you have any money here the here the praise be to Allah the whole thing and he goes bad bitch this is my trainer some shit and he's blowing smoke on her and she goes fuck you and word and word and word this is on the car this is in the car no the car car oh we're moving too it's not like the doors open oh hey the doors he goes fuck you and he stands up and he does one of these like a like a night turner kind of thing fun like that bring it on and knife out of the boot oh my god what is she doc holiday Travis Bickel I know it

was wild it was out of a gang movie oh and it was it was so cool because she would go do these big long swipes and the whole car would go turn the other way it's what the other side of the cargo oh we're all swiped up together swipe left oh my god swipe right so super swipe but what's good left or right politics or no well they both the most terrible but the the bumble I think right is good swipe right I'm in oh okay swipe left is like garbage right yeah all right sorry I derailed the story no no derail you never did the apps apps dating apps oh no I didn't know apps no apps no apps all right well

Google Maps but either way she's swiping he is not flinching I mean these hobos they got nothing to lose you know so he's just like bring it on and he's like inching closer to her and she keeps doing this shit like a three musketeer and he's like huh bring it bring it and then the fucking door opens and the cops come on oh my god so the cops were like ready they were ready they must have phoned ahead or something phone a friend yeah I think they had a lifeline and the guy in the booth and the conductor whatever I think he had a button well if they took a poll I'd be you know capital punishment yeah kill them all just zap

them I mean I'm horrified I hate the city I'm gonna move to I did a gig in Morris Plains I almost bought a house I was like on Zillow as I went on stage it's beautiful out there it's quite lovely how fun is a gig great gig got the jacket thank you Mike the owner that guy first class great egg comedy fan been doing they've been booking Artie Lang since the 80s made me salmon and yeah Danny Braff gig it was fun yeah that guy Mikey implies like hey if you ever want to come back and let me pay you directly you'll make some real money ask Mark exactly Danny I got beef with Braff all of a sudden braff beef a good

soup I know braff beef mmm my god the knife fight I know you're traumatized are you afraid does it carry over no I was fine it doesn't hit me you know but if you tweet that I'm a I'm a hack I'm like I know but I guess it hasn't happened because I keep getting frustrated with each other see Rana on last night that pimple yeah and I'm like I just hate the village right now and he's like that's fine I'm fine doesn't happen to me and I hate that nothing happened to me people right what if I what if your girlfriend was like yeah I was brutally raped you like I didn't get raped never happened to me I'm like well it happened to me all

right I had another incident another cook the cooks are going crazy through the cooking glass I was talking about the cooks to my friend Lindsay was in town as me Lindsay and Sarah will walk into the cellar and I'm like yeah this is crazy cooks you gotta watch out the cooks yeah and there was a big he was big usually they're like all jacked up like a Picasso yeah this guy looked like he could work the door at the cellar and he had a dog a dog you know I'm afraid of dog hate a dog I mean roughy homeless dog it was a big dog big pit bull what I hate guys that are called big dog a big dog

yeah out of here what about regular just dog what's up dog that's not bad that's not bad yeah you don't hear about small dog a small dog there's a lot of small dogs out there there's a little bow wow ah it's true and he's something there's Snoop Dogg yeah what does that mean I don't know S capital S oh yes so fresh and double OP do double G you see I do yeah okay he's good yeah yeah now he's cooking with Martin Stewart the whole where we're in the matrix who the hell knows what's going on but all right so you get three women so I'm walking up with my women my my I had one on each arm and I'm going yeah you know it's a

little cookie around here and this guy leans right in he goes why don't you shut the fuck up shut up like right in my face like this I'm telling you it was like Randy Savage and Hogan at WrestleMania five where are we this is right outside the cellar oh my lord I had I'm like very good at bobbing and we I just did a bob no weave just a bob all right nothing wrong with a bob both hairstyles I tweeted that years ago nobody liked it oh tweet again I'll retweet all right thanks a bob and a weave yeah and I also said Robert De Niro likes black women so when he walks down the street it's Bob and weave all right

that's a little insensitive I hear you don't don't will Smith me hella Bob and weave I'm kidding of course it's gold yeah try them both I tried them both the no dive but I was I was a week into Twitter maybe you do a series like the one out of two you ever see what people do that yeah I find that little little indulgent it's a lot yeah just write an article yeah right move on what what the hell's a sub stack but we'll get to that later sub stacks exciting that's like a new it's the new thing oh okay you go on I think it's like a patreon but for words oh sounds boring yeah that's thanks for those things

you pretend to read yes yes have you seen the new step stack it's really something right I did that with all the the separate piece Lord of the Flies and Anne Frank's book pretended to read all of them yeah get out of here with the books I've read two books same novels that is ah I read the other shit you know showbiz bio joke book sure the Mars book that one's great oh is that good that true story oh I did read that yeah that's great I wish he gave the names though it was frustrating I know but oh so the guy screamed to my face I weaved and you just have to go like you see and it's nice to have witnesses yes to be

like you see what I'm talking about right all that they're like we saw that that was crazy I'm up to like 15 of these what is about that mug it's it's a billboard for hey hey cook cook alarm lay it on me I think I'm a goof I suck I don't know I don't know it's the teeth the forehead the glasses the herpes the weird dick the thumbprint I don't know what it is but there's a lot to hate here yeah yeah a lot going on up there but it's bad news bears but I'm a changed man I'm jogging places now I run into this I'm like Forrest Gump wow just running into the city because I'm like I'll skip the train right you

stepping shit they hang you Dr. Pepper you meet the president could be worse but I had a big moment I'm traumatized I got PTSD I got STDs but the other day Wednesday night I left the VU Village Underground and I said you know what I'm taking this I'm going to West 4th right into the belly of the beast hell yeah I'm coming back you ain't stopping me I talked to Alan he's like that's not cowardice that's courage courage you're courageous you're on the train so I took 1am I took the fucking train home suck my dick this is my town god damn it 1am well it wasn't 1am I'm in at the part of the 1am the rest is true all right 6 p.m. man

that's funny cuz that's my train that's my stuff I take that every day now you gotta move it's just horrible I think about you every day I'm like you're gonna get killed your wife's gonna get raped she's gonna like it it's bad news bears yeah yes she's into that but knife fight I'm with you I'm with you I mean and that was West 4th too oh were you sweating we get out of here you follow baloney I swear to God because it was those two I was like that guy must be never she was nervous but I was like I'm watching I'm out I know but sometimes they turn these people will turn on you I've seen like people yelling at each

other you know and they go what do you watch what are you looking at then they look like two-on-one I had that happen outside Sarah's old apartment it was like a couple is screaming at each other like are you motherfucker yeah and then I was like Jesus I'm like looking and they're like the fuck's your problem they both start screaming at you I'm like oh it happens it's like when you watch Planet Earth and these hyenas are going at it you know and then one guy walks by some wildebeest they just go yes yeah it's not good but I wasn't too nervous but it ended quickly and the guy might have gotten cut up pretty

good oh my god he was so confident and then there was an Amazon worker you know he's funny he's like young black kid no mask on full Amazon gear you can tell you probably just got off to deliver an 800 packages and he's just standing in between I'm like on the on the door you know what they're going in front of them and everybody else is like in the back and he didn't give a shit oh god it's it's crazy it's crazy talk it's kooky talk but yeah I'm like I do buddy so we all went home from the stand the other day was like five I've been having these epic hangs over in the story we get the whole gang over there yeah you got a

good group out there great group I had my friend Lindsay staying downstairs then Steve Rogers and Caitlin Bluffin they had a comic from LA isn't it weird with two LA comics both staying in the same apartment yeah that is something that was something but every night would come over like hey I got a friend in town so you have like Rana would come downstairs and then Steve and Caitlin would come over have like a seven-person hang till like two in the morning wow it's like it's quite a situation over there it is comedy house who needs booze Long Island City get a town house a big floor to ceiling window I know it's funny I

went to Brooklyn the other day to look at places it's crawling with these young hipster queef couples they all go in there they all go I like the veranda and the crown molding or whatever the fuck you never hear about regular molding you know I don't ever hear about crown molding either oh well you're living a good life then I try I pretend to know what it is I go yes good crown mm-hmm the Queen but yeah it's just all these people going in and out some have kids and they got the latte and the stroller and it's a nightmare come to Long Island have you mentioned Long Island City to your wife no they'll throw

that out there I was two weeks ago I'm my messenger said throw a message hey Long Island City what do you think it's all up and coming you get the you got a sky what do you call it sky rise skyline skyline this high rise skyline what is this guy I thought a skyline was a bridge now the skyline is it's a comedy club in Appleton for most but skyline when you step back and look oh skyline it looks like a chart you're right what's your favorite chart huh pie chart what's the what's the chart with the big world trade centers what's that chart called oh yeah that's the one I like wait that's not a chart though that's a

blueprint no I'm talking to chart with the big I think I just I think I just charted the bit it looks like it looks like a skyline what's that chart is a skyline chart I don't think that's a chart that's a chart of course it's a skyline no it's a chart if you have like you know this is the Republican vote the blue there's a blue oh that's a chart of the columns that's a column that's it okay column Quinn but how do you have columns with a building what you say the world trade center is a chart well it looks like a column oh when you look at a column chart it looks similar to a skyline

oh god I thought you were saying that was a chart no no trade center all right now I'm back I charted so I'm saying what's your favorite chart you like pie you like column then there's a what's the other chart the ziggy one the zigzaggy yeah they're like the what do you call the EQ that's a fun chart that's the COVID chart yes then the vaccine people and the unvaxxed people right the spike so I go pie pie is good 3.4 banana blueberry bananas foster what is that a Boston cream it's a smoothie what are you talking about pies ah yes hard time following you know I'm all I'm telling you I'm whacked out well I'm whacked I

had a house guest I'm stressed about that I'm going on vacation tomorrow it's turning 40 I'm all a piece of shit you make me sick your body's dying and your whole immune system falls off a cliff with Palm Springs I'm gonna be fat I'm gonna be a fat shit I think you just hit that age and the chicken parms go right to your ass or whatever yeah yeah I read I've been listening all these nutrition podcast oh they just talk about 40 it's one at all you start crumbling and you have to break down you have to die so we're in the back half now so you got to start breaking brutal what do you think go pack Joe you must just feel

like death oh I can't imagine he's he's got to be 61 he looks like 88 and he's traveling he's got a baby he's trapped like inspiring he's got a like a fetus and he's like yeah we went to Zaire we went I'm like don't you worry about you know yeah he's like no no the kid likes him whatever yeah hey guy likes the drafts so God bless you go pack Joe you give me hope for my old age he's got a full head of hair he's got a beautiful lady he's got a nice-looking kid and he loves comedy and he comes out to shows that motherfuckers in every live show I wish he was my father I know time flies by the way his son is 23

alright I can fuck that kid but anyways alright let's settle down regroup group Zaire pie chart wall over the road settling in settling down what do you do the four the five second in five second hold five second out well you could do that that's a square bleep breathing they call that a square cube breathing pie chart breathing ice cube I like the straw breathing that's very helpful that was draw it's like you breathe in through the nose or about a four count and you breathe out longer but as though you're exhaling through a straw like this and that lowers your blood pressure when you exhale your blood

pressure goes down and when you inhale it goes up it's like a cleaf so you want to cheat a blood pressure test whoa take your blood pressure then do some straw breathing long exhale while they're checking it goes right down that the yeah that's the Walgreens yeah destroy you as a kid your mom's buying tampons and Magnum condoms I was so bored I was like put my hand on that thing put my dick in that thing put my face on that thing but I did it once you make a mistake it's like what happens to the rock is just he must break his arm he's all low mass welcome to the rock you got that right rock hey folks Tuesday's

with stories is sponsored by better help online therapy you may not realize it but headaches teeth grinding and even digestive issues can be indicators of stress I got all of those right now other stress indicators include doom scrolling sleeping too little or too much under eating and overeating put simply stress shows up in all kinds of ways my tits gets wrong when I'm stressed I love therapy I go to therapy I talk to Alan you know Alan you wish you could have Alan the next best thing maybe even better quite frankly is better help here better help rules I got three friends into butter better help

through the Tuesdays with stories podcast they're all loving it they're all thanking me I'm not just saying that that really happened oh yeah I love better help it's the best it's a world that's telling you to do more grind all the time this is your mind to take care of yourself do less and maybe try some therapy better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to I recommend seeing them though it's much more affordable than in-person therapy give it a try and see if online therapy

can help you lower your stress Tuesdays with stories listeners get 10% off their first month at better help dot com slash Tuesdays that's B E T T E R H E L P dot com slash Tuesdays you who hey Tuesdays with stories is thrilled to welcome our new sponsor Babel for most of us learning a second language in school wasn't exactly a high point in our academic career you got that right fourth grade Spanish now thanks to Babel the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions there's an addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language whether you'll be traveling abroad or just have some

free time Babel teaches bite-sized language lessons that you'll actually use in the real world look I took French as a kid I lost all of it I took Spanish I definitely lost that somebody build a wall between me and the Spanish teacher because I didn't get a word of that shit so get on it and look everybody's impressive you know language it's better for your brain it's better for you you can go overseas and talk that shit and not get ripped off by the way so Babel's 50 minute lessons make it a perfect way to learn a new language on the go other language learning apps use AI for their lesson plans with Babel

lessons were created by over a hundred language experts with Babel you can choose from 14 different languages including Spanish French Italian and German plus Babel speech recognition technology helps you improve your pronunciation and accent man this is genius there's so many ways to learn with Babel you can access podcast games video stories and even live classes plus it comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee start your new language learning journey today with Babel right now save up to 60% off your subscription when you go to Babel.com slash Tuesdays that's B-A-B-B-E-L.com

slash Tuesdays for up to 60% off your subscription my god that's a steal Babel it's the language for life get on it oh speaking of movies can I tell you about a movie experience please so I saw the movie X mm I don't know is that a porn it's well it's about a group of people making a porn oh kids a young people making porn called euphoria they're going to make porn I keep hearing about this euphoria hot show I think you'd like it all right it's hip it's it's trendy but it's it's well done hey you can really rub one out oh some cute kids trans ladies it's fun times well drugs this movie X it's about these

young group of people in the 70s Texas they go to make a porn and of course it's a slasher flick yeah so it's like slasher comedy thrills saw it in the theater and remember I told the Batman story on here worth and then loved it and then I saw it with other people I hated it that worries me a little bit about your jet you're judging I take your your critique very seriously then you get whimsical with one showing and then the next showing you hate it well I lost all credibility everybody hates me every message so I saw this movie X with bulger my ex and we went and saw it I mean this movie rules it rules it's

so good so I posted and then every Tuesday's like I don't know how we can trust you you piece of shit Batman watch it twice I guess hashtag the Batman so I'm like no this is different because Batman I let my guard down it's Batman it is whimsical he's got the wings and the business sure sure the mobile the cave yes the belt mobile he's from Alabama that'd be fun a southern Batman oh Baptist right I'm gonna get y'all that's all I got on that well Batman so anyway so this one I'm like no this is different trust me this time this is gold this is great okay no one trust me so I go maybe they're right they know me

better than I know myself I'm afraid of hobos I gotta go see it again knife fight plus I wanted to talk about it with people the problem is when you see a movie that no one's seen yes talk about it right right so yesterday rainy day in New York beautiful beautifully rainy a cloudy wake up I got my my housemate Lindsay there Lindsay Adams great comic check her out snack time podcast there you go wonderful so she has she's like into sweets bakery and all the sweets so there's some baker you ever hear this bakery lower east side super moon super moon no I don't know super moon super moon bake house over by your old neck of

the way we walk by your old place on Ludlow the old place yeah super moon so we go down that she's like I want to go there it's raining she's like they don't deliver here it's so far she's she went to the SNL after-party so she's on no sleep so she's in the mix she's in the mix yeah so I go I'll tell you what I'll drive us down there wow you got the car I got the car it's Sunday no traffic it's nice and it's rainy you know I'm like I will get in the car we'll drive down there love a car so we made a day of it we drive down to the lower east fine part I did an amazing parallel parking job you got two women in the car forget about it

it's just like you have a moment of like there's a lot of pressure I can't fuck up I gotta be a man I'm afraid of the subway yep and I mean I just knocked it right in there should have put a towel down on that is it an escort what do you got there Centra Centra yeah something something with vitamins I saw I parked it I was like equidistant a dick length from both cars two inches yeah put it in park and I went down I turn around and I said I want to genuinely apologize for getting your pussy so wet yeah let's go get some pastries hope you have been drilled a hole in the floor of the car look they'll let it run out gotta let it

leak so we go over to Supermoon and boy we really I mean Lindsay she knows her stuff she got one of everything I've been talking chocolate you gotta see this place it's insane I'll show you the photo I'm sure she's a lovely petite lady I can't believe she's woven down all these carbs sweets and sugars well I think you run you go for a run you work up people always say this to me like how do you eat like that and I'm blessed with a nice metabolism but I'm like I'm spend all day running I'm jumping I'm dancing I'm doing push-ups I go to the gym I steam yeah I'm working okay you got to work out you get no credit for

working that's the thing about skinny guys oh must be nice well I hit the gym I do push-ups I hate myself cardio anxiety I stop eating I fast you know I found this gay I shit you shit oh yeah not as much as I should though I hear I got friends they shit three times a day yeah once a while I'll shit a couple times see I'm like two a week that's no good maybe three you know what you want a good shit I've talked about this a lot you mix healthy with unhealthy you're not getting enough unhealthy you need a big dog you get like a big spinachy smoothie some veggies then you throw like a triple cheeseburger greasy you know

an old pussy and some fries sure sure you get some oh then you're like you get like a race riot your gut and you got to get him out of the city exactly I like that a knife fight going on in there exactly okay unhealthy with healthy see that's something you'll never hear on on the pod I live and learn live and learn supermoon so we're at the supermoon we get all the pastries it's great we're over by DeRose's place we pop over DeRose's bar he's not there that's a relief so we leave there drive back you know we rest up hang out we go over the movies run on joins we walk up I'm like you gotta see this movie and they do the

thing you've already seen it I'm like but you haven't seen it I gotta see it again I'll pay for the tickets I'm like that kid I'll pay to hang out with me yes yes so everyone goes great we sit there it's me it's Sarah it's Rana and the movie is gold really you gotta see it oh it's so good I can't wait I'm down you got that you got a worst person in the world yeah you got X and then something else you like that I got them all on my list I can't remember the worst person in the world in X are just unbelievable is it too artsy fartsy because I was in the mood for a flick last night but I wasn't ready for some

some art bullshit well worst person is artsy farts and you got to read it I don't mind reading okay I read every movie it's sad and whatever but X is pure fun tits sex thrills laughs scares I mean run on and Sarah now I've seen the flick and they're going whoa throw in the popcorn classic kicking the legs up you know converting to Judaism it was really fun I love it but then let me just tell this and then I'm out of stuff take over come on please so then we're about 20 minutes into the movie enjoying ourselves Rana's get his big giant diet Pepsi because he's a nerd sure I got my M&Ms cuz you know my

father's gay and Sarah's takes my popcorn yeah then you get the guy this guy movie's 20 minutes into the film you see like a little phone in the court down there yeah guys coming in late and he's got his ticket and he's holding his phone to the ticket going and I'm like you don't need to look at the ticket it's not a baseball game aha because now they assign seats oh they do yes but it's like there's seven people in the theater right daytime on a Sunday no one's heard of this goddamn movie I'm trying to spread the word and he's like alright I'm I'm L7 hmm and I'm like loser just said anywhere just find a seat you're

20 minutes late right so he walks in the row in front of us all slow and stupid nobody's sitting in the row in front of us he walks all the way down this row with his phone looking at the ticket then he comes back up goes up our row starts working his way all the way down our row while the movie's happening so you're just distracted because you're like what is this guy yeah and then he's got the seat next to two seats down from Ronan has taken all the coats and just putting them it's like it's wide open this is my seat and you're like what are you talking about there's no one here wow Ronan has to collect the coats and

while he's doing that he kicks over his full diet it's like a gallon it's like a gallon of diet Pepsi which kind of made it worth it because it's his Pepsi what do I care yeah it's fun and the whole theater smell like Pepsi and so we just hated this guy but then the guy endeared himself to us because everything that happened he was like oh no man oh no oh shit like that you just like this that's adorable he's sweet he's like he's you know he's slow he's get down syndrome something was up he's a love yeah something's off he's watching by himself he showed up late he needs to sit in the exact seat he's saying things before

they happen well it's a porno to you're lucky this guy didn't get after it you know I mean if he's off he might have if he's going oh no to the scary scenes what's he doing on the sex scenes that's a good point I was worried about Ronan because Ronan's one of these guys he just tells you what he jerks off to aha he's like I've been jerking off like unprovoked oh I like that that's a good topic yeah he's like I've been jerking off to this and you're like alright take it easy my wife's here my mother's over there sure sure but anyways great flick go see X while it's in the theaters or stream it find it it rules alright triple

X can't wait that's the thing now is like if you don't want to make a porn you can make a movie about a porn with porn in it you know if you want to fuck a kid you can just do euphoria and have 24 year olds who are in high school yeah you know you can there's always is weird loophole you want to make a racist joke you got to make a guy in the joke racist saying it that's not bad aha yeah that's the move now you can still do fucked up shit but you just got to do eight different levels around it so you're not the bad guy you got to hide it it's like football it's a passing game but if you want to run you got to like throw it out

to the receiver and then he like tosses it back to the quarterback he can run but it's a running play good good analogy yeah that's something I don't know that's something yeah I got to get back to the movies I haven't gone in six years it's all right there for you I mean you got the best movie theater right in your neighborhood there what Angelica well you got Angelica one direction I have see the other direction of course it's you know the Cooke embassy as she won't says I mean I mean you're just in it I can't think about you it's so weird it's crazy how much has shifted the village was like primo white bread rich honky like

you know upper crust and now it's just what do you call it skid row with those shanty towns the guys got the like the seven seven blocks worth of horseshit that he collects then the what do you call the hoarder hoarding yes but suppose the Eric Adams is on it I keep reading article I'm like jerking off to Eric Adams at night yeah yeah a task force and a unit and some other bullshit is black yeah but I gotta say the cops are on it that knife fight broke out it was like West Side Story in there and I love the left arm yeah then the yeah I'm a pirate Jerry and yeah that cop was too sweet he was on it I love it I love the

cops I just want to blow cops I want to suck all their dicks let them come in my face handcuff me to my mother I've seen that porn but I will say the cops they're different now because you know back when I was banging back in the 80s you'd see a cop they go get over here what do you think you're doing they poke you with that stick you know hey well you don't know where you're going whatever and now they're like sir you okay come off to your cup talk to me sir come talk to me and then they hug the guy and then they kiss and then they both do a podcast that's a kind of gentler machine gun hand but I don't know whatever

whatever it takes just clean it up keep it moving yeah shoot them kill them do what you got to do but I gotta tell you I was just in Florida can you see my glow you're always glowing though you're one of these guys you're like George's girlfriend in season 8 the bullshit season you just know you're always tan season 8 that on is that one Kramer did blackface remember the main no that was on I was a black chick he was dating it was I that was an early one when he goes the tan yes yes falls asleep no this is the one with the woman's to tan she was in Maine George has two girlfriends oh yeah ridiculous plot I fade out on a lot

of those yeah eight and nine stink but yeah so I'm in Florida and boy it is a different world down there I was in Dania Beach which is kind of between Miami and Fort Lauderdale it's like the taint okay you know right between these two sexy fun towns and everything's going great I got Brittany brave hosting I got Dave Siegel Ricky Cruz I had like a great group great club they take carry over there by the way what's the club Dania Beach improv by the way if I get 18 more guys going gotta get list down here I'm like I don't book it I know I appreciate I like the sentiment you know we all like the the six to her feet

at old forehead but you know I'm trying to I'm trying to sell some shirts here gotta get list out here let me call his agent who you with UTA what are you APA I know well if you want to talk comments people I was like how come you're not sold out I don't know yeah people like them or I'm sorry I hate homeless people I think that's it yeah yeah like I sold out one the other one was nice my shows are full of hobos they come out they buy a ticket who we got to kill ourselves yeah yeah these comments they sting these backhanded I don't know if they're trying to be mean but people can really find a way to get

right in your ass about it yeah it's brutal I don't know how I can't I can't make it another year in this business I'm gonna I'm like Joni Mitchell I'm gonna make a lot of money and I'm gonna quit this crazy scene did she do that that's her line it don't snow here it stays pretty green I'm gonna make a lot of money I'm gonna quit this crazy scene oh she's good very good but I think she's still tour so I don't know if that line holds up it's kind of like the net she was like I'm never doing comedy again then she did a special a year later right well it's a line I don't know it's a line it looks cool it's fun to say you're

quitting and then not quit mm-hmm it's like George I quit shows up the next day great episode so Larry David so everything's going great Thursday's killer Friday early show is killer Saturday late killer Saturday I think Saturday early used to be the hot show sure that was like it's gonna sell out it's date night it's fucking Saturday baby everybody's coming there's no excuses Friday late used to be the shit show yep everybody's drunk they worked all week they're tired they they've had it they don't want to listen to your thoughts on Uber so that is shifted I think with the pandemic now for me Friday late's fine

and Saturday early is a nightmare because I'm getting the old folk I'm getting the season ticket holders I'm getting the the I've never heard of you before which is fine but you make one Jew joke or a gay joke and they're like what the fuck kind of show is this right they think they're going out see Bob Hope and then they see my ass and I'm doing 20 minutes on Isis well I have a theory about this maybe please maybe I feel like a Lloyd Christmas I'm like I think I just yeah I just had a thought the podcast fans they want to go see the weird show so they're buying up the late show they're like the late shows crazy

they go longer they know that I think I think the podcast now everybody has inside knowledge of comedy now yes so they know if there's gonna be a longer show it'll be the late show right early show you got to get up and you got to flip the room yeah so people are like let's get the late show that's the weird show that's where it gets weird they want to see the weird off the cuff they want to see maybe a hecklers they get to see something weird they want a longer show so they go to the late show yeah that's a theory interesting well yeah this early show I mean I had front row was like cocoon I mean it was Tommy

Bahama it was it was like a Jimmy Buffett concert it was a bunch of bald guys with the horseshoe hair with the the shirts with the floral pattern that go all the way down the white shorts the flip flops tan it was it was over they were they would do like that when I like that was a good one that was a good one you know and then they're ordering all this shit and they don't hear anything because they're fucking 98 years old so I got the waitress going who had the my tie who got the bike that she's an inch away from the guy and then she's the four inches away for me because he's in the front row and I'm like I'm trying

to do my bid on anal there were secretions and she's going who had the buffalo tender wrap you're like yeah you're killing me whore I know the cloud well you got to go to the theaters get these theaters going buckhead buckhouse or buck Joe Buck theater whatever it is the buck town yes what does that mean that's the Atlanta are you doing buck buck shit so whatever it's called I think I did the buck is the buck in it I did the buck head yeah yeah the buck stops here but yeah I did that one but you know I like clubs I like these clubs and it's just those that Saturday early show fills up with

the with the local townies who don't know what the fuck they're seeing and they want to see Sid Caesar or some shit you know they want jelly Berman but that's the thing though that's what's weird about a like you're 40 just around the corner 38 over here oh god but we keep thinking that but these old people now they're from like 1978 I graduated high school like 1981 we're old yeah we're old the Sid Caesar people have been dead for 60 years right these are like they did coke they're probably still doing coke that's the real problem right they're like from the seven like let's go do some blow and go to the dildo improv or

whatever town you're in yeah what's it called I was in dildo I was in the butt plug improv and I'm still hurting but Daniel Beach it's just one of these fake towns they pop up in the middle of you know it's in between two big cities right they just call it some bullshit and they have it's all the same out there it's a Apple Store it's a Chipotle it's a Bar Louie it's a Buckle number Buckle Tommy John again used to work at Buckle oh yeah they're hanging on to 1998 you know with a with a clutched fist sure I love 98 I saw Pearl Jam Conan had the five year anniversary I was a junior in high school 98 was great love the 90s yeah see

yeah now we're the old people it's weird you see these shows are like back in the old days 1994 yeah and you're like oh man I was I was 11 I know it's have you thought about this there's comedians in New York City that will like emcee a show that were born while I was doing comedy whoa it's bizarre you meet like a kid he's like 19 I'm like I was like opening for Dane Cook when this guy was shooting out of his mom's cunt oh man the cunt shoot holy shit great festival cunt shoot Dallin Dallahassie that ever got in I was in the poop shoot but yeah holy shit that's horrible man this is gold the kid born during stand-up that

is a cuckoo bananas I know it's weird oh I had somebody say something that the people wearing like ironic shirts from our youth friends my god yeah give me your Frasier I'm like oh my god it's funny friends got a bunch of flak for like having all white cats and then no gay and whatever but like at the time friends was kind of pushing it the guy had a lesbian wife Ross dated a black chick right I think that was about it but you know that was some stuff yeah there was something that was something then I tell you about I think I told you this on this podcast I was in Fort Worth and some guy was like that was great

man you're funny guy he's like you ever heard of Stavros Halkius you're like Adam yeah he's at my wedding he's like what he's like what about Lewis Gomez you ever meet him and I'm like meet him I fucked him this guy's a this guy's out to lunch what does he think I don't live in the same city we're all in comedy yeah whatever hey folks what's shaking Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by sheath underwear just like your parents some things just better when they're separate you know it you love it the Jews in Palestine what else roller bladers and skateboarders segregation you name it now the folks over sheath

they're finally separating your dick from your balls I'm wearing them right now I'm looking at them my junk looks good the lady likes them they feel good they look good they smell bad but that's on me you got to get sheet I'm wearing them what more do you need to know US Army soldier in Tuesday Robert Patton knew there had to be a better way to keep his dick from sticking to his leg and sheath was born comfy and cool sheath comes in so many different patterns you can have a pair ready for any occasion and they didn't leave out the ladies either they comfort you guys you know them for your balls and sheath has applied

the same technology to the boobs with the sports brazier go to sheath underwear dot com and order with promo code twos gaze and get 20% off your first order and sheaths 100% money back guarantee that sheath underwear dot com promo code twos gaze get sheath underwear and let them support your balls hey folks Tuesdays with stories brought to you by liquid IV whether you're at the gym the beach or a sweat lodge anywhere you need to hydrate make sure you get liquid IV I drink about two of these a day just to be safe I like the sauce I like the alcohol I like grandpa's cuff medicine so I need a little hydration I am dehydrated but

liquid IV covers it what the hell I take them every day they sent me a big bag of this stuff it tastes good it feels good and it's nice to be hydrated your body works better it's a well-oiled machine you got watermelon lemon lime strawberry pina colada one stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more effectively than water alone made with premium ingredients liquid IV is vegan non-gmo and free of gluten dairy and soy and they're supporting frontline workers to stay healthy liquid IV is donated to hospitals EMS food banks veterans and active military over 19 million donated so far the doctors

are doing it folks that's all you need to know you don't want to get one of those real IVs they're eight million dollars and who the hell wants to put a needle in their ass get the liquid IV in bulk nationwide a Costco or just for you gaze you can get 25% off when you go to liquid IV comm and you'd cause to use code Tuesdays at checkout that's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code Tuesdays at liquid IV dot com experience better hydration today at liquid IV dot com promo code Tuesdays I know comedy is weird because like you have this comedy community but like there's so many of us and then like you

love some and then some of them hate you but then you you have the same job but you're so different it's a weird thing where we have to then you go to a festival and you're like hi you hate me yeah it's very strange but we're the same job I don't know yeah I from an old school I really think comedians should be looking out for comedians and I agree and protecting comedians and on the side of comedians but there's so many that he can't you know this that they get splintered and then the sides get taken and then everybody's gay I've seen a couple comedians be like I'm on team Will Smith and I'm like what are

you doing yeah very strange very P you yeah what do you what's going on over there I don't know if they're like getting up a lot I think they're just like comedians right maybe that's it but yeah I mean a comedian can take a shit and whip it in the crowd and I'll be like well you know you had some stuff yeah trying props but you know I come from the you know the union fucking Boston yeah you can't scare me I'm sticking with the union yeah well you heard the the Amazon kids unionized I don't know much about the Amazon you're all about the Amazon today am I when you said Amazon uniform earlier by the way

I was thinking like the that brown hat yeah safari I was thinking safari guy like I was pictured like a machete and like you know those bullet shells the guy from jubanji yes and he's like shoot huh yeah I would have loved to have him there he would have an elephant rifle and a bowie knife this guy was just working he was delivering packages all day what was the gun with that you know was it porcupig or Elmer Fudd had with the it extended out like a horn at the end what was that gun oh yeah like a trumpet yeah I think that's old school it's like a musket now a musket has the knife oh you're right what's the

remember there was a bayonet came out oh yeah that's a good point I think the musket is the the one where you pack it you pack it in like a dirty asshole you know that was like one of the great political videos I ever saw when they talked about the second amendment and there was like an office shooting you ever see that one no no it was pretty good the guy comes in and he shoots like a musket and everyone scatters and he's like you know he's doing this thing cuz like this is the law when we made the gun law I was like clever fun yeah it was pretty good and because about a time he finishes everyone's gone and

he's like oh geez you know right yeah you had to pack it in imagine that in a war too you're like oh done sonny I missed hold on hold on you know give me a second here I mean that that's brutal and I think they all miss too I think those guns were like you know what they spread back then you could hit them that's what the thing is yeah horn spreads it I think you want to spread hit everybody give everybody herpes give a little piece I get it and spread it there you go one and four that's what they say one and two in this room yeah there you go 50% to you and me I'll take it they say everybody's probably has it

but it's deep in your loins so it doesn't come out well Sarah I've been having sex with Sarah for two years now and she hasn't that was a joke she has been together for 12 years she hasn't gotten it so you're looking down there with a mag you got a you know a big magnifying glass and a Sherlock Holmes hat and a cigarette you really in that badge looking for blisters I get in there when she's sleeping I peer in there with a monocle but I haven't seen any all right get down there with a pen light really look around there my gal has never seen her own clam what do you mean she won't look at it she never done

yoga or anything like that now one time I try to put a mirror on the floor she wouldn't go near it she doesn't want to see her own box speaking of women in me too movement and everything even though we weren't speaking of that now remember for years at CPS they sell they sold the cane with the mirror on the bottom of it that's like a total just like rape gag it was up skirt yes yes but whatever assault sure sure yeah that was big I remember in third grade a kid had his shoes a little mirror on it and he would go around you know checking out ladies skirts but your shoes I never got that because you just see an

underwear like to me that's not that crazy underwear is hot this is more cloth but my thing you can't get a it's like you're getting a good look like if you have like an ups you want to really like you know zoom in you're looking from up here right yeah you want to chuck Barry you need a camera in the toilet but that is funny that they were just like yeah you get it that's an old man he looks up women's skirts CVS eight bucks that was a gang see the problem is but here's what's interesting now is I feel like a lot of these shows we're getting progressive we're branching out a lot of a lot of dick being shown mm-hmm which is

interesting because these women are like great finally some equality we can see dick but I think a lot of people are still like hey don't objectify these women with the tits so you're like well which one is it right you know you got to objectify you can objectify both that's okay but you can only objectify one what's the rule well this stuff is all tricky it's above our pay grade because some is liberating and some is objectifying it's a lie you know yes because you could have a movie where there's tons of tits and it's like well they're objectifying these women but some people are like well they're

liberating the women free the nipple so it is all very confusing and I try to just stay in my lane yeah out of it this is above me or whatever the hell because it's case by case you know this one oh that's offensive and then that one is liberating we are like but they're the same thing that's what I mean I'm like this is not for me I don't know what this is so just whatever but all I know is I watched X it ruled and I went home and masturbated hell yeah go see X I'll probably watch that this week and I watched the Kanye doc I keep hearing about this it's great hey I really loved it I mean he's a kook but the guy who

did it cootie really puts it together well and it's super inspiring I love an origin a origin yes and he he's just it's fun see him broke in New York being like he lives out in Newark you know he lives yeah he's sitting in his car sorry little semen and he's sitting in his car and he's like I've been here a year I can't get anything going nobody respects me then he gets signed but the label won't they don't like answer his calls it's fascinating yeah I gotta check it out I love a good doc I like an origin I like a entertainment bio yeah VH1 legends and then behind the music that's I love that stuff love the bio

big fan yeah I just I like seeing how someone got from here to here and I'll tell you see the they put everything in which I commend Kanye for I mean it's all he's watching Tucker Carlson in one scene he's like this is facts facts you know and they're like turn that white boy off you know he's like facts it's you like wow he could have cut that out do you see a real time this week I did not there's like some great great stuff in there some good job I should stop hitting the table yeah I saw I saw that Maher has a podcast and he had a Tarantino on which anytime Tarantino's on something I can't not listen yeah you gotta hear but

then my Tarantino is like I look at him so differently since I talked to Ron on who hung out with him and he's like he's insufferable he's brutal really yeah I think like him and Louie were like we got to get out of here this guy stinks what I think he's like well you got it like well let me tell you a story he's like now I got a story and he's like he's a nut okay you got to get the coffee okay everything's okay I say the n-word my movie okay all right all right I think you got you gotta you get it's longer though okay it's like a gayer right right right I think he's like six eight he just seems towering he's got that giant mug

and the big old chin he seems like he's about 900 feet tall the jaw yeah yeah yeah yeah he's very movie of movable mm-hmm yeah he's like one of those flappy things at the car lot but I'll listen to it hello hell of an artist I can't wait I'm gonna listen to it I love Mar I love Tarantino Marga it's real high ah he loves the weed and you know there's a lot of like what were you talking about who are you where am I it gets a little off the rails you're a weed guy right you know a couple times together I do it for sleeping mmm so which is weird like it's this drug you know growing up it was like a

narcotic gateway drug past the joint baby rolling a plot now I'm like well so much of that but aren't you wasting the high yeah but it helps you sleep right so to me is that a waste that's a use yeah I remember when I was a kid it took a long flight with my dad and he goes have a beer I go whoa whoa he doesn't have a beer I was like I was probably like 19 I was a booze bag at the time but he's like I have a beer I'm like all right he goes I'll help you sleep my dad's obsessed with sleeping so like when I was a kid he I would fall asleep in the car are you like coming home from my grandma this house and he would he'd

be like he's like Cosby he would pick me up you ever do this as a kid he would pick me up because I was sleeping in the car and he would pick me up and gently bring me in the house that's adorable that's adorable but I would I would be awake but I wanted to touch me any other time that's sweet yeah my dad touched me on you know Friday nights after a couple glasses of wine sure sure well take what you can get hey folks Tuesdays of Stories is brought to you by Displate Displate is a one-of-a-kind metal poster designed to capture your unique passions they got millions of cool designs available featuring gaming

movies comics anime with officially licensed designs from Bethesda Star Wars Netflix and many more I got one hanging up in my apartment I got a Rodney Dangerfield back to school tin poster these things are super cool they're kind of vintage looking they look sleek they're they're they're sexy these are cool and it stands out you know you got a bunch of canvas and you know Rothko and Pollock and all that horse shit up on your wall forget these prints forget these queefs get yourself a metallic poster it's super fun it looks good and it stands out big fan it only takes 20 seconds to set them up with no power

tools no damages no frustration and once you mount one you can switch it out for a new one in a flash and with everyone you buy Displate will plant a tree that's nice hey hey click the link in our description to see some of our favorite Displates and get our back big special discount 23% off two Displates or 34% off three or more Displates which will be automatically applied to your cart when you click the link or use Tuesdays the code is Tuesday's plural when you visit display.com DSPLATE.com it's an amazing deal and only for a limited time get on it display oh no that's adorable my dad hit me one time

like square in the face really good yeah I was a Smith yeah and it fucked me up forever because this pocket stick a turn but I was sitting I was being annoying again I was in the middle seat to the middle child I'm not the middle child but there's only two of us the car is always when they got angry the car I think as they get the road rage 10 and 2 69 whatever sure I'm sitting there just chatting and I was and I was just being me I'm going oh well I think it's crazy that squirrels can jump and how come the birds can be on the wires don't get electrocuted right and he just went back he you know I turned me wait where

were you in the middle I was in the middle seat right here back no middle front bench yes big bench 87 Chevrolet celebrity wow and he just went and I remember going like like that pause like you lose it and I remember going in and have like a hand print I had like a literal hand print on my face a wedding ring right here yeah and I just was like oh but I remember it was so deep and it's still in me because I was just being me right I was like me as myself my dad hates me I was being myself and he hit me right for being like well I wasn't I thought I was just being like isn't that crazy dad he was like whoa I never

I think he was he was fucked up too because he's like the power of my the dog or whatever that movie sucks and did he say like look what you did this is your fault or I'm sorry or I hate your wife or my wife no I think he looked at me and was like oh my god I'm a piece of shit something I don't know I think my mother pegged him that night I don't know what happened but hey yeah that'll get you riled up I got hit once too and my dad he went and he goes look what you made me do and I went I'm calling social services cuz I heard that in a movie he was like oh shut up and I think he hit me again after I said that yeah but it was

bad and then and then you know I did the bit about a couple years later he left me at Puppa Geno's we went to pick up pizza and I was like I mean this man hates me he doesn't like it he's hitting you he's leaving you places this isn't a good sign I'm gonna hear this pot I'm sure he doesn't listen I don't think so if he can't handle you in a car for six minutes he's not gonna do a 48 and then one other car drama one time my sister and I we were playing like taxi where I was she was blowing you back there and you gave your dad a 20 what does that mean I was I was Joni Foster she was Travis Bickle no I was sitting in the

back seat and should say where do you want to go or whatever and I'd say let's go I want to go to Texas and she'd go off we go like that you know I mean we're like 8 and 21 or whatever sure but I had the seatbelt in my mouth because you know you just gnar yeah yeah it was a big gnar you just chew on a foot or whatever it is and so I had a sheet out and I was like I want to go to Florida and she's like where and she ripped it and my tooth just went fly and once again I had the pause where I was like you know blood squirting everywhere she ripped my tooth right out of my goddamn head holy shit what that's a small mouth well it's

a tiny mouth it was a small seat belt and what tooth the front the front the front tooth she ripped up my front tooth it's all I wanted for Christmas holy this is like one of the two furs the two for yeah it's hurting buck teeth buckhead theater yes buck cherry wow that's crazy all in the car you guys were in that car all the time it feels like yeah you know it was a real springsteen song situation but I had a bad one too one time my brother oh boy now I'm getting now I'm getting real deeper to the white trash stuff he had worms were remember worms it was a dumber dumber remember worms yeah worms you can have

where we had him in from eating shit I think was he eating I don't think so although my mom's not a great cook but he had worms and he was complaining about it and he was squirming and all that he had worms up his ass I guess I'll give that a go because I don't know maybe I'm speaking out of anal here but the worm squirm yeah yeah from from sperm to worm and he had worms in his ass and he was complaining about it so much that my mom was like pull the car over grabbed him out the backseat flipped him around the car like Derek Chauvin the guys got his got his hands on the hood and she pulls his pants on broad daylight middle of

New Orleans proper pants down I'm just sitting there going wow this is fucking wild I'm eating gummy worms and she looked at his asshole oh did she pull one out like sounds a little lambs oh I wish I wish but they're little they're like yeah yeah say easy mega hat yeah so he had worms and she was like yeah you got them then put the pants back up put him in the car and me and him you know set there quietly for an hour God I remember hearing about worms I've got the root if he ate boogers or come I think he got worms I think he got it he got it from eating something I think my lady's gonna have a fucking fishing trunk back there

is a tackle box but yeah yeah it's it's bad news well over that I don't hear about worms anymore well we don't have children if we were around children I think they check you for worms because every couple minutes my uncle would come and look at my asshole to see if there's any growing well you better hope they're back there cuz maybe he won't penetrate you if they are but I think I think my parents this neglected we I had headlights he had leeches you know one of us was in a wheelchair we had the weird gimp arms so yeah we were all fucked up but it was I guess we gotta wrap up I don't know but yeah it was hard

and as a kid that you just went out because your parents had to work yes so we would just be in the woods all day and mosquitoes and leeches and I remember falling off my bike and like hitting my balls and I was bleeding out of the ball I feel like Gordon Bombay not Gordon Bombay Gordon Randy chance Gordon Beersh Gordy how but Gordon I put my hand in my pants and I was bleeding my nut was like sliced it didn't fall out I know you got me trumped on this one but it was it was a it was a slicer by the way speaking of which the live podcast oh get on the patreon slice holy shit that episode was insane saying banger

after banger great crowd great group Feehan killed it you've owned yeah he's done I saw Feehan last night and it brought me back I was like you kill you were so on I just wanted to take her head and punt it cuz I was so happy yeah but yeah get the get the patreon but what were you saying I don't know about your uncle and your ass slice I can't remember slice something slice well I slice my balls that was all but it healed it wasn't bad it was just like a nick it was like it was like an inch long yeah and but it was I had blood coming out of my balls it was terrifying yeah and you just dealt with it you kind of just were

like alright like I didn't I didn't run home when a bad shit happened to me just dealt remember you would lay there as a kid you're like then 12 minutes later you were fine I think I told this story before but one time another time I fell off I guess I was bad at riding a bike but you know it was bumpy whatever and I wrecked my bike riding home I remember I had a Marshall Falk rookie card isn't the San Diego State helmet and I sliced my knee open so bad and I when I bent it would like open yes yes so I rode my bike home with like one leg leg straight and I would like pull it up with underneath and we got home and I told

my dad I was like I don't want to go to the hospital don't make me go to the hospital and he had been in the hospital the day before because my sister got hit with a baseball or something there you go so he was like we're not going to the fucking hospital I was like yes you're the best so I remember sitting there with my knee like gashed up and my mother came home like three hours later and I was like I dad said I don't have to go to the hospital and she like lifted the towel and my patella is like exposed and she was like I love to spread that on bread she's like Steve you piece of shit he's bleeding out and I had to go and I got

six stitches in my knee whoa yeah I mean it was like ripped open wow my dad was like don't worry about it you're fine man I remember one time we'll get out of here we got to do dates but my house was we lived in that dilapidated house and I had no floor in the living room so it would just be beams you know with no floor on top of it and they were trying to fix it and you know as a kid I'm living in squalor but it was fun it was like a jungle gym sure so there was like a five foot drop between the beams and this in the dirt you can see brats and shit down there bodies hookers and I was like I'm gonna jump from beam to beam

they had a three foot gap between each one I'm like I'm gonna jump there back and forth so of course I jump and I miss one and I all I catch is that oh and I just do the teeth clenched the chin just pop so chin pop big pop Jay Leno and blood everywhere and my parents are at work and I remember being like bleeding profusely and going like huh what the hell is the number to their office pre-cell phone all landline I was like I was I was trying numbers but would you try numbers oh yeah five with the credit card we do that you check on a porn site and be like let's just guess the numbers right right and so I eventually

got it and my brother's there laughing at me and I'm like dad I'm dying I'm bleeding out he's like I'm with a client I was like ah shit so you know he came by a few years a few years later and we worked it out I had to get stitches on that one chin gash yeah love gash oh I like to put my chin in the gash yeah but a gash all right we got a we got a wrap it up I think we've been here for three days where are you gonna be there fatty well I got the special that's the big thing the comedy special that might be bad audio oh sorry I was trying to do a drum roll not sure I've no I've slapped the table earlier and I just picture

my whole life is just comments and messages yeah all I'm thinking about is someone being like you talk too much you hit the table you're a piece of shit you deserve to get hit the dad slap yeah fuck yeah anyway so the April 29th that's soon I don't know when this fucking episode comes out but April 29th the special subscribe to my YouTube for God's sakes watch it live it'll be 9 p.m. Eastern April 29th YouTube new special very excited and also I put out a short film that it's doing pretty well 7,000 views in a day which is exciting a lot of people hate it people like it's pretentious it's a waste of time you're

a piece of shit you suck you should kill yourself yeah what can you do so anyways do that and then May 5th to the 7th Austin what's it called cap city hey hey then good nights and Raleigh then the Wednesday in Greenville the one you did I forget the name of it I gotta look it up it's comedy zone no it's a one nighter you did it I can't remember that it's a bar it's fun yeah I think it was good I think you liked it I can't remember but carry it I'm doing that one and then a bunch of other stuff oh June 9th through the 11th San Francisco punchline the Cooke's I'm already afraid of the Cooke's there oh yeah bad Cooke in

SF Vancouver the 11th that one everyone's warning me about the Cooke's there rickshaw theater really and then hotel to gig gig hotel that's my plan so those are some dates comedian Joe list com get on the patreon the live episode is out there we're doing a full video bonus every week it's killer and please subscribe and get excited spread the word about the special here here well said good stuff I don't know when this comes out either I'm at the Vic theater in Chicago I'm at the agorad in Cleveland I'm at the DC theater with that Christmas Charlottesville Southern you name it mark Norman comedy dot com

check it out give it a gander follow us on the socials we got old specials to share it tell a friend queef it up get on the patreon buy a shirt praise all of thank you we love you comedy