Tuesdays with Stories! - #449 The Buff Snuff

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

The boys are back in town everybody! Joe recaps a tale from his 40th birthday trip which includes coming face-to-face with a rattlesnake, and Mark goes to Moontower to kill before eating his own ass at the Goddamn Comedy Jam! Sponsors: - Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code TUESDAYS at https://Fanimal.com - Support the show and get 20% Off with the code TUESDAYS at https://Lucy.co - Support the show and receive your first month FREE at BlueChew.com, with promo code: TUESDAYS - Support the show and receive 20% off plus free shipping at https://manscaped.com when you use code: Tuesdays - Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays - Subscribe to our YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're queer this is it we're back in the old cookie studio because we're too scared to go to the place we're paying for we literally won't go to our home no

we have a house we haven't we rented it I think Shelby pulled a coup I think you got us hooked up with an 11-year lease at some place with a crazy lawyer right next door and then goes you know what I'm gonna retire you guys are good I'm seeing you off yeah yeah he's cuckoo it's not good we're paying a fee a month I think we signed a year lease we made it about six months not even I don't think it was in the new year we're April I think it's January was our first month like a third of the year man that's quick quick eviction good for us somebody said to me a record who said this Matt Wayne maybe somebody said these people if

you just what a we could record at night couldn't we yeah we do like 10 p.m. we have the keys no does the building close I think they locked at 10 p.m. I think they locked those glass doors up pretty good I think it's yeah it's more what's more about the fact you guys do spots all the time and you guys are off in the weekend if we can record in the weekend I think it'd be solved yeah but but it's anyways we could go and knock on the fellas door and say hey for this one hour we haven't been there in three weeks no I'm scared for one hour we're gonna be yelling about you know yes and then we'll never bother you again and I

think if someone we gave them a heads up hey we're screaming yell for an hour yes it's very quick I mean they're there all day nine hours a day yelling about their wives and their mistress and their retarded children we coming for an hour I feel like we do it at lunch we're golden lunch lunch is big in that world you know you get off you get you get a meal you get what is that door dash the power lunch crowd that's lunch let me just say first of all we've recorded in three weeks three full weeks three I don't know who you are who is that I know I feel weird because I'm like I'm hanging out with Matt Wayne I just did

Chris D's podcast and we're saying I love that I've recorded two episodes with Ron on I gotta get back to home I don't know what's like when you have a telephone and it's at the Cordis and you have to let it hang and it finds itself well we got a hang we got to find ourselves you know you got a telephone a landline and that the the wires all discombobulated from the single girl who's twirling it and talking about boys with a curler in her hair single girl twirl yeah yeah and so then you let the phone dangle and it it goes and then uncoils itself and we're gonna uncoil we got uncoil it's a natural progress

Charlie coil yeah I'm nervous cuz I'm getting a vibe too I feel like you're upset you're hurt I don't know you looked you looked weird you almost looked at me in the eye once but then didn't what five no five when I got here I don't know you're putting a vibe you're sitting in a way I don't know there's something going on I feel like you guys were talking juxtane yeah I know it is why you're feeling it he just wants to be like he was like this right before came he's like I think we should come here so he's doing that not to you I was scarfing a mark and no we don't know if we should move we should move to

this move I was thinking Long Island I'm brewing podcast move is what I'm talking about cuz we're trying to figure out yeah I was worried I came in I don't know I haven't seen you since the 70s wow no vibe see I gotta give a lot or else you got a vibe no give no give it's too much well you're sitting back you had your nuts I didn't give me like a whoa all right all right I got a bad hoe I don't need you to give I just need you to be you I see it was like a it was like a slouchy nut I hate a slouchy nut and then I'm feeling guilt cuz the eating and then you won't say anything so I'm like I'm mad about the food I'm

eating the phone I was eating I died almonds but you had not those you can put down that's not a meal I see and these supers not a meal Jerry no no no get the swordfish anyways we're here in the new thing now do you have it rock are you rockin rolling rock no no no vibe beg dad I rock yes teatops well I don't even know what to do I mean it's been a month since we've recorded I went to I've somebody gotten closer to you I went to Palm Springs for a week I went to Boston for five days I went to three Red Sox game a Bruins game I sold out some shows that went to Buffalo if you want to be humbled by the way do some

hometown shows and then go straight to Buffalo the buff will kill you that is a tough town tough crowd they give you a lot of these yeah a lot of those the buff snuff by the way I met this weird point in my career I you know we're doing pretty well but you do Boston then Buffalo the two checks from the two venues they look like different people check them the check at the end of the oh oh I see because being town it's like this people up the door with foam fingers and Red Sox tattoos a lot of blind eye blonde eyelashes shaggy caps and go hey let's stay you piece of shit right a lot of mix some Irish and pop

belly some drunk some some townies and you can't get us foot in the door they wanted to show we said no adding we're just gonna be packed out don't worry about it my family's in the back and then you go to buff and they're like hey we're giving homeless people tickets so it in and then you get you got the deposit the two checks oh and 375 thousand dollars the other one's eight bucks sure yeah I did Buffalo two months ago I had a bark I was out there bark I was like hey everybody I had a big horn I hear you hear you come on in it's a free chilly night the Buffalo bark I might fall over here the buff bark

yeah I've been there what is that's a tough market out there it's something that's going on and buff you get a Saber's game you might as well start doing improv well we went to the Saber's game Matt Wayne and I go that Matt Wayne is a first-class hang he's a hell of a cat good guy funny guy quick Chuck hung with him he loves Chuck I don't know the real he's the first I've never heard anyone say that wow I mean he's like Chuck's the best he wouldn't stop talking about Chuck we talk all the time oh now you're pushing it we got to get that Matt Wayne and Shelby talking I'd love to watch him duke it out over

Shelby I mean over Chuck being a decent human being I'm about to hit Shelby from the bullpen for Joe and Ronon because every time we record an episode someone emails me and goes you pieces of shit you're in the same house because we do zoom but we're in the same house because we're completely retarded I don't know how to upload anything interesting yeah yeah I don't know either but don't go back to shell town well he was down the street somebody and Chuck is backed up I mean he's got he hasn't edited my special from 1985 I know I'm waiting on a hot case set from evening at the improv I did a VH one spotlight he's

supposed to be chopping up yeah I think he's dealing in VHS over here with this timeline yeah HIV possibly he's lost a lot of weight luckily the live up came out I think people were fans oh yeah oh that was nice people loved it yeah we recorded that one in 2018 but it was up in six days and I was fucking in the hospital I know that was good that was great you're always fucking too much fucking but your back's good my back's good all right I gotta talk to the doctor about the sexual you know activity I gotta clear some stuff you got that swing you're doing all these hieroglyphics and all that shit it's

the ball gag the dildos the strap bonds it adds up a lot of weight don't you just want to get nasty what oh that's Shelby the door the door just creaked kicked out again creak in the cave oh my god that was terrifying yeah so you've been all over up down left right east west south north where do we begin you had a birthday you had a special you had a miscarriage talk to me I got no no you know about that I got to I got a lot of I got no notes I went so I went last time I recorded no no no no no no no no no notes c-note why do they say c-note I don't like it I know C century circa scent is the

root word oh 100 yeah hundred century centaur yeah but I don't I don't mean like the ectomology origin I just mean like why are you I'll give him a c-note yeah it sounds kind of cool it's like a sawbuck but that yeah I remember sawbuck the sawbuck parkway what about a nice hundo I like hundo I like hundo too give you a hundo throw your hundo four hundo five hundo yeah so you got hundo is a hundred you got c-note is a hundred you got a sawbuck I think is a hundred is that right something and then a thousand is a grand a k a g a g 4k 1k I like what people say he could give you a cool grand I don't know why cool fun cool

makes it better I also like and swing as he says honey oh we're gonna be a five honey by me you think we'll be there by midnight we're gonna be a five honey by midnight I love that what up by the way oh my god I was gonna text you and I haven't had a chance it was early in the morning it's like 8 30 in the morning and then I was like I'm gonna see him have you watched the Tony Hawk I watched it I watched it the first three minutes is the most compelling filmmaking I've ever seen real well here's the week let's that's unpack this as the queef say it it everything now is like a little heavy-handed it's all about depression and

I was molested and my dad fingered me with a c-note and all this shit but not just our podcast yes that's why we got kicked out but this one it was warranted like it didn't go over the top it's like he his dad was a weirdo the kids spitting on him throwing the beer can Adam all that shit and then how about the Rodney Mullins speech at the end oh my god I grew up watching these guys I never heard him speak you know they just that shut up and dribble I mean forget about it but I mean the first opening thing I'm like let me check this out I love a good doc you know whatever and he's falling and getting back doing the

thing and then the wheels spinning I'm like this is the best movie I've ever seen in my life oh yeah that's that's Tony Hawk's day he's not the best skater by the way just just to throw that out he's not everybody's like he's the Michael Jordan he's not he's great he's awesome he's innovative he changed the game and he but his thing is he doesn't stop until he gets it he'll just keep going and going going that's why I got the 900 on TV which I watched in real time with six of my buddies and pajamas with Bill Maher yes stop to get enough but anyways that was great but rain great stuff loved it so anyways the

last time we recorded April 4th which is three weeks ago there's the damn watch again what I don't know you're hearing things who told you put the bomb on so that night we recorded that I went home watched the National Championship Chavone came over this guy's just a hoot and a holler I mean you gotta you gotta get some chavone time I don't I don't see the appeal I don't find it attractive I'm getting nothing out of it you haven't hung no hung I mean you hung once these by the way someone messaged me I don't want to say who a friend of ours and was like I listened to the live episode the guy spilled coke coke on

your coat and wasn't gonna say anything he's a scumbag you got to get rid of this guy how about that oh wait talk about chavone chavone live episode he's filled coke and I watched him not say anything then I told the story in the podcast we're and this mutual friend was like this guy's a bad news get away from him who does that it's weird with triggers people you know hey he spilled coke on my jacket like kill him string him up get rid of him burn him alive but that's an interesting thought I don't know that's a whole now he's nice that's a bag of tits but had a great time he bombed the live episode we had a good

hang then yeah I take off for Palm Springs now this is one of those things I'm so anxious because it's my big birthday trip I planned it myself because nobody loves me so I have to play in my own parties yes plan so I got my best pal Derek you guys all know Derek D-man Derek Dunovan a dare hell of a son of a bitch funniest guy I've ever met in my whole life with respect to you I understand one in one a double D so it's Derek Dunovan double D yeah and he's chunky well so we booked the trip and him and his wife and his kids who you know I'm very close with and then my parents are coming by my parents why so

they're gonna come what are you thinking well they're only coming for a short period I can't even imagine them getting on a plane those two whack jobs on on a flight for six hours I can't even fathom it well it wasn't pretty I'll get into that but it's more their story but it's insane so I'm going out there we're flying out first Sarah and I are getting there the Tuesday afternoon we get it like noon and then Derek and his wife they live in Seattle so it's a straight shot but they get in it like 11 30 p.m. okay so Sarah and I have time to go and fucking all the rooms everything nice but you're so anxious you're gonna get

delayed or fucked up yeah someone's not gonna get there you know when you get to something big of course there's a lot of moving parts on a plate spinning you don't want to drop a plate the whole thing's ruined exactly same with Tampa in August was that sold out oh yeah two are one more to go so get those tickets folks is that's gonna fly off the shelf August 14th I think right yeah I think so that's party Sunday August look at is that a Sunday August 14th look that up please 14th sidesplitters.com whatever me Ari Mark yes Sunday special guest yeah that's August 14th so anyways I'm all anxious we fly out there

two flights gonna fly to Salt Lake City and then to Palm Springs got the car and I gotta tell you I had the easiest travel ever first-class upgrades on both boom boom Delta Lounge go get the car then we go find the house and Derek calls he's like I want to be on the phone when you first see the house because we're so excited about the house pretty penny on this B&B it's a verbo verbo I prefer a noun I don't know verbo verbo is the new thing they got all the commercials really are be oh verbose be oh yo verbo was home away and they bought home away there you go home away home away was a big one you're a home away home okay we're

one home away from having a three-man show here so we go down there it's just perfect travel we get the car no problems getting the car beautiful weather 90 degree it was hot as fuck it was like a hundred degrees always over there so we go over there we have the thing where you land you get there at noon but you can't the house till three we're gonna go kill time and all you want to do is fuck your wife and the tits kill Tony so I call Derek and like we're gonna drive by the house right now he's all excited he's like I'm at work right now can you believe that I'm like what we're on vacation yeah so we drive by the house

we're like it's amazing big bushes the whole thing the sprinkler system whatever the fuck love a bush you go in the back it's this big long in-ground pool with the hot tub oh just want to do some wife-swapping don't you know what I mean definitely you got that hot tub and the pool you want to put those kids to bed and I know what fuck each other's wives for a couple days you know what is that I get that I land in Florida I just want to fuck a guy's wife and do blow off a gay man's dick and then ride a jet ski with a iguana there's certain energy I think it's the palm trees maybe bombs interesting I'm using my palm but in

New Orleans is palm trees too and that's another city where you get that I want to break the rules and break a hymen yeah cuz I go to Boston I'm not like I want to eat out my aunt now you want to install some shelving in Boston I don't know what it is yeah exactly I play golden tea and like fist fight somebody but in Palm Springs just like should we go find some couples and fuck and by the way you know the upside-down pineapple oh that's swingers that's swingers the movie so the we were Sarah and I watched this B movie called Palm Swings which is on Showtime interesting it's like a soft-core porn we had a great time we

were commenting we should do some of these well we did strangers by the anal well that's like an a movie with a gay movie hey no that's on the patreon go get on the patreon killer app I got hard I didn't tell you I appreciate it so we watched Palm Swings and it's hilarious it's goofballs and the first day we go to like this big breakfast place and what do we see a big fat asshole in line and he looked like Chuck he had a t-shirt and said where's the party with an upside-down pineapple this guy I was like this is kids man but I looked at his wife and he looked like I mean like George went I don't even yet George went

away I went there um she was bad news gray like which hair and one of those skirts that goes all the way to the floor oh what is your acidic Jew that's cuckoo was acidic P you and you're such a bar because I think that's what swingers are always bad assholes it's never you know Tom Brady and Giselle aren't out there with with a pineapple t-shirt on like put your keys in a bowl you get exactly which by the way in Palm Swings they do that they have a big swinger meetup and then everyone puts their hotel room key in a bowl and you pick out of the bowl and that's you fuck and they didn't don't you think they

should have had a big crazy fat asshole with acne just like you got him one wild card love it yeah it's like a Wheel of Fortune there's one bankrupt and you go oh I hope I don't get Fred yes exactly they could have hired like a shirtless Chuck with a sombrero and they're like what you gotta fuck him you know that gross but something yeah that's a little far but yeah yeah that's a shame but the swingers you know and they always hear about these sex parties in New York and it's the sex clubs and it's always people who look like the cast of Roseanne Chappelle used to have a great bit I don't think it's on a

special I used to see him do it at the cellar but he's like I always feel like I'd fuck up the sex party like I show up with potato salad oh yeah and then he's like they doesn't act out of the guy he's like I just ate it with Chappelle's joke that was Dave Chappelle everybody I get it my acts a lot funnier than that oh yeah he sticks special Friday oh that's exciting this Friday the big day 9 30 p.m. I've noticed a lot of these specials now the last batch have been very it's very what's the term here with the title where you just keep it front and center hey new this year's material DeVito's is called my YouTube special

it's very what's the minimal almost minimal you know that seems to be the new trend is that the trend I don't know well my mind is supposed to be a play on an Elvis Costello which we're gonna do a Salak use is gonna take a photo and make it the album covers which will make it make more sense but no one gets it but still is something that that's something that adds up while my albums have some kind of like tributey album cover right here no good what is it so far no good so far no good yeah excuse me even like norms was called me doing stand-up right you know yeah so that seems to be the cool move well he's dead

well a cool guy but anyways comes out 9 30 p.m. this Friday watch live on the on the thing we'll be in the chat room and you know that's excited I'm gonna watch it I have Friday I'm in the city Friday which is rare so do we do a party maybe I'm not getting to watch it yeah we go to your place your pad will get some coax and pizza come on over if you want yeah I might come over come by move to Queens for God's sakes a little far far from what Long Island City it's 10 minutes Brooklyn's far now I get that detrain the Barclays up there in four minutes now you don't know what you're talking about you're out of your mind

hey everybody this week's episode of Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Phanimal I love live events that's true but I hate buying tickets the hidden fees suck and coordinating with friends is a nightmare you got that right especially with this guy there's nobody here but you know what I mean Mark he's hard to plan with always I end up fronting a bunch of money and chasing down my friends to get reimbursed and if they flake I'm stuck with the whole bill but then I discovered Phanimal that's right Phanimal Phanimal has tickets to everything and there are no fees no price you see no the price you see is the

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listener from Canada Lucy is now available at CA dot Lucy dot co that's CA dot Lucy dot co even though I was going downtown also I have to read this disclaimer warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical remember if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine visit Lucy dot co and be sure to use the promo code Tuesdays but ages so we go to Palm Springs it's fucking great we didn't fuck the Swinger guy we get there we fucking all the rooms it's all exciting by the way your palm swings get that sexy feel so I go to the hot tub I'm like I'm gonna get naked I'm gonna swim in the pool

whoa serious what are you crazy your house I'm like it's our house everyone's in bed no one's here the other family hasn't arrived yet so I take off my skips I did the classic like whip them over your head and toss them dove in that pool got a little chlorine in the cock and it felt great and then she was like okay and I kind of like did like a little skippy thing and kicked it we sat in the hot tub nude I love it it was the hottest thing I've done since fucking you know my father and I bolt together good for you hey your mind's in the gutter but you're living man that's great it's in the

something it's a shame that hot tub sex doesn't work yeah you know it seems perfect it's you're both warm the steam is coming out you're naked you're wet and then she sits on there your dick's like it sounds like you're trying to like push a balloon down a slide it's too much friction I think in the water isn't it weird I think we've talked about this before but water makes you dry it's so weird huh it dries you out it dries your clam it dries your skin like when you shower you get dry that's why it moisturize yeah it's kind of like soap scum it's like what the fuck I thought it was soap why are you making it dirty

you know what I'm saying yes okay good bit I'm not saying it's a bit but I'm it's a parallel let me throw this paradox parallel parallel means like running next to each other yeah well it's a parallel to what I was yeah yeah paradise parapeligic paralegal is that the same thing no which one's which a paralegal is a lawyer in a wheelchair I think what do you make of this what do you think of this theory you're a guy I like theory yeah you're a relatively I was gonna say intelligent but that's not the word no that's a little much yeah you're I don't know you like to be worldly worldly worldly philosophical

Gleefy going yeah cheesy hard yeah you're something you're a thinker you're something all right that's something when you put sunblock on I never use it and then you rub it on your head who's to say you're not rubbing it into your fingers or like the spray stuff like you get the spray right you spray it all over you spray it on your arm sure and then you rub it it rubs all over but like aren't you also equally rubbing it into your hand I would say so yeah is it like the sun blocks not like well he wants it on his arm let's go into the arm right I like I like but I do think the palm is a little rougher and has

less absorption I don't know if that's a word abortion has a less absorbing than the arm yeah I think so but when you finish you have shit on your head that's true so you're like how much of this like if I sprayed it on and then rubbed it with a cloth I guess that's absorbing that would take it off that would take it off but your hand is almost that's why wetness doesn't just if you put your hand in water it doesn't absorb the water right but if you put your arm in water but if I don't water on there are that's not gonna absorb me that's good trips off yeah towels I think you're just getting sunscreen on both yeah but

that's a good point I like it it's kind of like a what's his face what's that guy's name Gallagher bald guy Gallagher shimmel oh shimmel okay Gallagher too no shimmel I said about that cream you know that makes your dick bigger and he's like I lathered my hands up and then I realized wait why aren't my hands bigger oh great bit yeah funny guy yeah he's good by the way I'm gonna have to like pass off here cuz I got too much stuff I'm not even in the palms sorry sorry but we've been singing and saying it today I had to drive to Chris D to do his podcast today Chris drove to stat now which is a fucking abortion to get there it's a

haul but I listened to you know I was in traffic on the Queensborough bridge and I said you know what I need to do I haven't done this in a while I want to really smile and have some joy some boyish joy tossed on old track number two Ben Bailey Boulevard wow that's a deep cut if you're at home I he might have been taken off a Spotify but if you pause the podcast go to Apple Music Spotify a time machine yeah put on the Ben Bailey Boulevard track of Ben Bailey's album which is called Ben Bailey Boulevard I disagree don't pause do it later but do it but keep going with this work we're rolling that's a good

point but what a bit when he's killing it's been a while murder but it's such an amazing bit classic comic but what a thing that's a great moment there it's a great point because everybody's got these comedy albums and they're supposed to make you happy they're supposed to make you feel good and you wanted to feel good and you put it on joy to the world well I had on like XM because now I'm like I'm like this old-ass in traffic I can't listen to music if I'm cruising I want interesting if I'm sitting and like stop go give me some like you know Rush Limbaugh yes really good back you want a little stimulates you want a

little a ferrican you want a big return telling you what's what yes so I was like listening to like Stern he had Whitney Cummings on who's great but I was like I'm not feeling this and I was like I'm going to Ben Bailey Boulevard and I lie I mean I was laughing like a psycho just doubled over pounded the table one of the great bits of all time that's great that's a 25 year old bit I feel like you put on comedy now it's like hey my dad fucked my face when I was five and whoopsie boo boo well it's it's so funny because it's very 90s he's like you ever dialed the wrong number and this whole thing and it's very 90s but

it's it's so good but I gotta I'll pause Palm Springs is I feel like I've been talking this whole time no no but at least we should at least put a bow on the Nazi I mean it's the bow I'm in like I was there for seven days like I'm in the half day here okay geez well let me put a finger on it remember when you did that with your mom she said put touch this and then she tied it oh kind of yeah yeah so I'm only remember a memory of my mother but well I don't know where to begin either it's been 16 years I don't know where I was but I'll just fast forward ff all the way up to moon tower moon tower moon tower cat Stevens yeah

yes Islam yeah so by the way what a what a horrible thing to lose that name cat Stevens yeah changing use of Islam come on yeah just stick with cat just be like Muslim cat yeah I'm a muzzikat nothing wrong with a Muslim cat cat muzz so I hope that chair that squeaky is not picking up on listening all right I didn't even know a lot of squeaks squeaks the bleeps and the queeps I didn't get much but I stopped moving it's all about the movement sounds like a hotel fuck on swings yeah there we go pineapple I'll try to I'll try to keep still but so I fly down to Austin mm-hmm what you got I just any time you're going to

Austin it's exciting that's one of those poppin fun loving towns there next week comedy's great this podcasting this festivals this teenagers this kids that's great this booze so you fly down and you know what's nice is we've been around the block so you never used to fly there like I gotta get my badge I gotta get my package and my my duffel of horse shit you know what the this is the restaurant in town this is a ticket to a free snack pack at the local day care and all this horse shit you're never gonna use so I just landed I go yeah I don't need a badge and they go you gotta pick up your badge I'm like I'm good I

got a show tonight I'm gonna go to the show it's sold out it's at the Paramount Theater they don't let me in that's on you I'm not getting my badge no badge fuck a badge badge so is that pot still around now no no lady journey now ah okay Adrian out Hannah get in I get it it happens so I get a get a text I forgot I never booked an opener I just forgot you're that guy now you're Louie I'm Louie you know he calls the comedy club he says hey Cap City send a comedian my way oh that's kind of cool pretty fun I like maybe I'll do that what'd you do but then you get you run the risk of getting Johnny music cue or

whoever the fuck you know you don't want to get that guy the guy with the turntables or somebody looks like Chuck either way oh yeah so I show up and the shows at seven it's probably 430 in the afternoon by the way I go to the you land in the airport in Austin it's jam Grant Central Station it's not about comedians like oh there's Mark Marin eating a hoagie there's Tim Dill eating a dick there's Sam talent there's Anthony DeVito there's that guy it's so cool white a lot of whites it's Texas so I I go hey let me look at the moon tower lineup see who's around and so you get your pick of the litter so I go there's Rosebud hey Rose

you you want to do I'm I'm on a show at seven all right blow me hey DeVito I'm on a show at seven and so you get a little desperate it's like let's call it the bar you know you're like oh I guess I'll fuck this Rosie O'Donnell character here like oh my god so I just got an old pal in there who I got Andrew young blood and then yeah he's a good egg and then a Zai Zad Zied remember Zaid he's a Houston guy I was thinking of the oh I'm thinking of Assad that's the guy you know terrorist not Jordan Syria Assad got it got it he's a bad guy yeah then there's Arafat I don't know what he did oh yeah something sitting over there

wow I said it earlier I said you look great shame works you look great all you look fantastic thank you are you kidding so then we we we proceed to do the show you got a I got eight guys filming got assigned a bunch of shit there's all this legal horror shit mumbo jumbo but shows all show goes over that it's Neil Brennan shows up and I was like oh you want to do five or whatever he's like nah nah but we chatted and that was nice and he just watched the show side stage which is very nerve-racking because this guy's got a toe in every comedy pool right you know he's like helping Malaney right he

just Seth Meyers correspondence dinner he's hanging out with Chris Rock or whatever it is he's so scary too because he's got those clear glasses yeah fish going through him and these he's very like he sits you know like leg cross yes Ari does this too he's like kind of pontificating with the glasses and you're like I'm waiting any moment him to be like you're full of shit or something yeah yeah that he's like gonna just tell me my SAT scores make me cry there's a little good cop bad cop thing going on with him and he knows his stuff so you want him to approve of you and all that but he was very nice and you know what

you go you go up there and you want to be like you know half my act is about queefs right like this is silly shit right but it was all fine and he hung out he gave me a ton of notes ton of tags which is great nice then you be lying out of there it's always nice when you don't have to do the fan stuff they're like we got to get you over to here do I have no guilt about not shaking hands that's nice and we went to the New York's finest oh fun at Antones and then you're like oh there's row Rosebud there's Andy Hain oh Andy Haines hosted that's that's what was handy great guy funny guy love Haynes so then you

go to New York and it's all your pals it's DeVito it's Haynes it's Rosebud it's the other guy and Emma Willman and all these people you know so you're like oh this is I syphus there and boy did I eat a dick come on I swear to God you do the sold-out theater had the set of my life Neil Brennan's high-fiving me he's got clear glasses he sees I'm full of shit and then I go to Antones and it's a lot of the same people and I did the some of the same act cuz I've been I've been at that point come in the face yes and so I couldn't move because the cum was crackling and harding crackling cum on my face catch Stevens the

diamond ah yes so well I was kneeling and yeah I got the cum on the face and just ate a dick and then when you start bombing I don't know if you remember these days but the bombing makes you drink more oh yeah well that's the thing with drinking if you have a great set like a couple cocktails if you bomb you have a couple cocktails if you're off you're like I got a night off let me have some cocktails exactly that's a good point that's the beauty of drinking it works in any occasion yeah a divorce give me a drink I'm married let's toast a drink a wise man once said winner lose we still booze I love it yes what is who

said that Homer Simpson beer is the problem and the solution to all my problems the cause and the solution there you go of all my problems and then Ben Franklin said beer is proof that God loves us which doesn't really make sense so I want us to be happy that's it he God exists he wants us to be happy smart guy not funny head syphilis poon poon hound yeah yeah well easy with the Jewish slurs you whoa but yeah so then now here's the clinker one Josh out of Myers oh boy you know him you love him he goes hey you're still doing goddamn comedy jam and I'm like oh that's not my cup of jizz I don't know anything about

that I don't know any songs I can't sing I can't dance and he goes well you said you're doing it and I'm like I can't do it he's like dude two people pulled out you got to do it I'm like so I'm a half in the bag and I go fuck it it's gonna be bad and he's like no everybody says that it's gonna be super fun I'll guide you we got the full band they learned the song oh boy so I'm like what's the song it's this is how we do it by Montell Jordan this is how we do you should be doing this I was a wet blanket up there South Central does it like nobody does well I don't know about that Tony Braxton but I can the band memorized it

they're like they're waving the sheet music they're like you're in apparently I agreed to it at the cellar party which was also a blackout night geez and I couldn't get out of it I had to go up and it was the worst thing ever I can't imagine I can't imagine how bad because your voice is awful you don't know music you got no timing or rhythm yeah musically comedically fantastic charts but it got I've seen you try to tap your toe to a tune it's ugly it was an abomination Montell Jordan sent the cease and desist he's pissed the lawyer called me I mean you're like Elaine out there with the kick that was me I did a

little this oh man I mean I don't want to picture it there's a couple videos out there servicing it's worse than the Pam and Tommy I mean it is bad and I look there like he's singing with me and it's one of these we think you know everywhere you're like oh I know that song left to right like the back of my nutsack and then you get up there like 64 in the 19 there's all these like you know LA terminology that I don't know and Roy was it a real real bomb real abortion as somebody that did a lot of karaoke got laid doing karaoke a common mistake people here's the two big mistakes people make now I don't know if

Montell Williams is is rap or whatever I say it's wrapping yeah the two big mistakes are people want to do girls just want to have fun they don't realize what an incredible singer Cindy Loper sure hit those notes and number two is hip-hop people think they can do hip-hop no hip and you're just behind the whole time and you're hopping and it's just terrible bad bad news and there was a lot of that and the audience hated it and you can tell they were like how much longer like let's get through this and then the guy behind me I think Guy Branham went out there and did Enter Sandman it was like the place went

fucking nuts people are headbanging and waving their hair and breaking guitars so it was a real real real big abortion wow yikes what a weird night cuz it went reverse I know it's the best show ever and you didn't do so hot and then you ate shit yeah yeah Derek Gaines came out he's like man I had a great set cuz you fucking ate it it was all uphill whoa all right thank you what they're just book it's all New York people apparently I was I'm so sad cuz 2020 we were all doing moon tower and then it got canceled and then they were like splintered moon tower into several different things like I did that theater back in whenever the

fuck I did it last year and they call that moon tower oh yeah Rachel Feinstein with the only ones out there yeah Jessica Jessica yeah she was there as well yeah it is weird there's like eight moon towers now it's part of JFL but then there's like nine rogue comedy fest as well the the the Rhode Island one is like 15 of those a year I can't keep up he's like it's the spring one like what I can't finger anything out but I love moon tower I'm there this next week May 5th of the 7th it's still going not no Austin oh great city so come out to Cap City a new location yes that's exciting I think Grossman owns it now

that guy owns everything whoo he was there he was there oh wow it was fun I can't wait to hear about that because the old cap city was legendary Kenison Bill Hicks all that shit big room Ari did a special there so let me know yeah I can't wait May 5th of the 7th come on out folks get your tickets get them early oh yeah so folks Tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by blue chew I just turned 40 years old and you know what that means limp dicks are right around the corner that's why I gotta have a blue shoe handy you keep them right by the desk and bang you're in there you're ready to play there's

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most common form of cancer in men age 15 to 35 I'm outside of there I'm 40 now my god I'm giving support for fighters survivors and families impacted by testicular cancer as part of their we save balls initiative right now you can get 20% off plus free shipping with the code Tuesdays at manscaped dot com that's 20% off plus free shipping at manscape.com and use Tuesdays it's time to throw out your old hygiene habits and upgrade your life let's get back to the show all right all right I flew there from moon tower drinking all night got on a flight to Phoenix by the way Phoenix flights are no joke it's like a

two-hour flight I think was like 1100 bucks I'm going to Austin I waited I booked this week which is a week and a half out it's like $800 Austin's always crazy expensive it is it's all these people moving to Austin yeah comics and I'm like you gotta run out of money just trying to fly out of place it's crazy that Elon Musk lives there he bought Twitter the whole thing's fucked must get got lost well let me get back to Palm Springs then we'll swing it back around please so swingers I'm out there then so that night you know to get to West we had like a six-an-flight woke up at like four o'clock in the morning to

get to JFK nightmare and now you're like three hours ahead and Derek and his family get in at like 1145 then they get delayed so they get in at like 1230 which is 330 my time so I've been up for 23 hours oh you're gonna wait for I'm trying to wait up for them and let them in the house and everything I'm like falling asleep I'm like slotting myself and I'm trying to like jump in the pool naked and put a little in my ass to just to stay awake hell yeah they finally get there and you're so excited it's so hard to like have someone arrive late at night because you're like you're here in the kids face and I'm throwing them and

you want to go like a midnight swim right but they're exhausted because them to them 1230 if six and five and nine oh yeah so 1230 at night is like 7 a.m. or whatever the fuck it's gonna have kids so then we all go to bed I can't sleep I'm just tossing and turning because I'm a kid right I'm like I'm gonna take the kid and shove him up my ass I'm gonna do this that the other thing and the next day is my birthday so it's my first once your birthday you're like the king right even the kids I'm like you shut your fucking mouth you're doing what I want to do you got that right so you know we wake up we go see the Marilyn

Monroe statue and she's got a giant Marilyn Monroe with this the skirt blowing up and you look under it you look underneath it the kids love it I'm like that's a butthole and Joey my nephew he's like obsessed with poo and butt so everything but it's I'm having a blast smart kid I'm teaching him be whole I'm calling the shit a dingers and now he's just like earnestly like I take a dinger that's great good stuff we're laughing our asses off then I'm like you got to go to these palm canyons which is as big you walk down this long switch back into this canyon and then there's like some water down

there these big trees go in it's spectacular very nice so we go down there the kids are tired though because they've been up they're too excited so I'm like whatever you like forcing them to hike you like shut up this is fun you don't realize it it's literally 105 degrees child abuse out here so then we're getting ready to go back and the kids you like you got there like we're gonna sit on this rock because we're tired their legs hurt because every step you take is like four steps for them little legs you're doing 10,000 they're doing 40,000 yeah Brad Williams but yeah Vita has to deal with this too right so

Sarah sees like some puddle she's like I'm gonna put my feet in the water okay desert so they're like okay and then you know so Eric and Derek's like I'll follow you and then Derek just goes over there we're all like sheep the kids sit on a rock okay so I'm like well I'll stand halfway between because they're putting their dumb toes in a puddle literally a muddy puddle okay good blue singer yeah and then the kids are sitting on this rock so I'm like I'll stand in the middle and keep an eye on both try to I'll be the nucleus you're between a rock and a puddle but I'm looking at them because I want to make

sure you know my wife's not stepping on a scorpion sure and all of a sudden I just hear out of this year I hear get up get up listen to me you got to get up and so I'm like that's interesting I look over and it's like couple of idiots just like doing this seriously just move just go now listen to me and I'm like what is happening over here and I look and my niece and nephew they're sitting there like this oh no and I go what they're like there is a rattlesnake on your feet and I go what the hell is going on over here I come looking over and I go okay guys shoo over there is a rattlesnake I got a photo of it it's

nine feet long it's asleep dead asleep REM sleep but it's coiled like from here to here it's like this big it's like it's like a dinger and her like if you put your hand there this is her foot is like here who's her my niece dangling and her brother's next to her like cheese it's just like sitting there like two dipshits with a poisonous rattlesnake sitting I mean it's below her foot and her foot is dangling oh this is why you can't go to our rock the kid the kid foot dangle and then then what's even scarier for them is this three weirdo hipster assholes that are like this get out of there go I'm a little annoyed by

because you can tell they wanted to be the snake expert the hero yeah you could have just been like oh hey guy or grab one of us and say hey your kids about to step on a scorpion snake whatever the fuck it's called rattlesnake yes so the kids are like they finally like get up and they start walking and I'm like okay you're fine just walk over there and then you know the snakes still sleeping they're like sorry we didn't mean to scare everyone wow parents come over they're like what the hell's happening over here like well your daughter almost died well that's a whole thing kids love a rattle and then the kids had like

opposite reaction so Joey who had been tired he's like you got to carry me up this mountain because it's a mountain we got to climb sure gotta carry me please carry me somebody carry me yeah you know carry your dome and then he's like all right well let's get out of here and then he just shoots right up the thing no it doesn't need any help he just walks right up there he's like let's get the fuck out of here and we get to the top of the mountain we look down and it's just to see like the girl is just crying she's like oh my god I can't ever go by and the snake still sitting there wow can we put a picture of the snake on

the patreon well and everyone that yeah sure and then everyone that comes down you have to be like excuse me there's a snake right here don't stay I've never seen a rattlesnake that usually they're like out in the shade sure whatever I mean it was shady because he was below a rock but right on the path wow and eventually you know they got her up there we got her some ice cream and everything but it was quite a sight of one of those moments in life we are like we were so close to this being an entirely different vacation yes just like that a kid is dead yeah poison you gotta you gotta suck it out or eat her out

something yeah he on it I don't know what the rule is I don't know what you do I don't think you actually suck and the key is with those snake bite because there's venom you gotta stay calm yes freak out it starts pumping but you can't get a key can't tell a nine-year-old girl to be like this okay yeah who's just been bit by a poisonous thing he came like just stay cool you can't tell a 39-year-old girl to calm down either no yeah they get crazy so that was scary but it was a eventful we get out of there you had to be like this okay that was wild and she'll never hike again no life but god no actually did

like just not there which is so funny how kid mine work right like we're never going back there that's our snakes are then we went to Joshua tree which is like a national park which is massive and we just hiked all over right because you're like well the snake is in that park man yeah when I was a kid my parents like grandparents lived out in slide L which is like the sticks of Louisiana and it's I was fishing I don't know I don't know this is like 1941 I'm fishing off a pier with a straw hat and a stick in my mouth and this guy Gus he was an old mechanic he had a shirt said Gus on it and he was like doing yard work or

something and I'm just like you know and he just goes hey yeah and I looked next to me and he took a shovel and cut the head of a snake on it was coming towards me oh god yeah so I was like Jesus thanks Gus and he's like he went back into the shadows that away Gus well my friend Bart who that's the whole other story Boston he comes every year for Patriots Day which I'll tell in a later episode that makes sense oh yeah next another episode sure those like later feels like whatever in the future I get distracted sometimes but anyway so he had a story this is this story this is crazy so him and his wife went to

South Africa to Kruger Park the big park there Freddy and she's hanging out like reading in a gazebo and all of a sudden this black snake falls from the straw roof wow just falls next to her and she's like whoa that was crazy and for whatever reason she's just not afraid of snakes she's afraid of spiders scorpions dick clowns I don't care what fall I mean I have a cupcake fell I be like what the fuck well I think she was like whoa what and then she's like oh wow a snake and she's like look at this and then the snake like was like crawling around and it kind of like disappeared and she's like guys is a

snake over here check this out yeah and so one of the what a park rangers came over and he's like okay she's like yeah I went under the cushion you got to get it out of there because people sit here and he's like okay well I get it out and this is on video oh god the guy pulls up the cushion cushion and he jumps like 12 he goes oh god black mamba black mamba fell on her and she was like whoa that's crazy it's the most poisonous snake on the planet wow it's the fucking killbill snake wow and the guy that the fucking the South African like you know park ranger yeah he was like

they had to bring in four other park rangers and a big long stick and a hook and get it black snake bone and they said the guy said if it had bit her she would have been toast no deal there's no helicopter that would have got there fast enough she just would have been dropped dead dead and she's like how about that well they said it literally saved her was that she didn't freak out because if she had freaked out it would have bit her interest but she was like reading it was like whoa oh wow oh man you know women they're like we're in Africa and we're seeing a snake honey it's like when it's really happening yes

if she had been like ah it would have bit her on the face and she would have died and he'd be single and we could have fucked and there you go mamba number five how do you like that yeah snakes I'm terrified I don't like snake spiders anything that there's a phobia I got a little bit of a phobia I wouldn't say I'm all in but yeah you don't just don't want a creature I don't want a creature around a cockroach even I'm like ah you're ruining the night I know well we're city guys even a squirrel yeah squirrels are shady and an erratic a whore I mean I think we had this conversation before a whore Harry kept

making an Ecuador it's a horse a horse he's like walk over a pet and I'm like he's like why are you afraid of a horse I'm like it's a wild animal yeah the kick and they don't speak English and they bite no right and rotten musk it that's a yeah animal it's it's it's horse power yes and they have no sense of humor you can't do anything to get a horse to be like all right you got me there that's how I feel about DAW any human being if they want to kill you can be like please you know my father's gay I got a small dick I didn't mean what I said fuck me in the ass I love you you know but a horse if it wants to kick

you're gonna get kicked gonna get kicked and it's all pipes I mean there the buff they're buff forget about it I just went ahead abs and oh yeah and all they got huge dicks and and all they eat is grass it doesn't seem like they should be doing creatine and in a cycle of roids because they're all ripped well I think there's so much weight they're just standing all the time I stand I don't feel like I get stronger I guess that's why they had the new ones are all like because they're weak they can't support themselves and they got to build the muscle isn't it where the human beings have the longest can't survive on

your own time oh 30 30 years like most animals you pop it out and like within like four days they're like alright go kill something you fucking pussy yeah you're on your own you're paying rent get a job have a kid do you know why we looked us up recently you know why you never see baby pigeons oh okay I'm ready well it's because the pigeons they grow up fast but they they they house them they grew up so fast they you know milk them or whatever it's long enough that they look regular so they are baby pigeons you just don't you can't tell it's like Greg the cat the cat you hate I forgot about that thing that things like

three days old but they just look like they look like bangled tigers within like a week no kidding yeah it's a kitten tech it's not even a year wow yeah I forgot about that cat that makes me think yeah you should move to Brooklyn I don't want that thing in my borough there you go it's just something just growing black kids when I was in school these black kids they were eleven they were dunking and they had you know big boners in me and armpit hair so let me ask is there any you humoring me is there any chance of this Queens move or you guys kind of talking and being like he's an idiot Joe thinks we're gonna

move to Queens it's hilarious I my mind I'm like I think I just made some progress I like a Long Island city I like how the proximity to the city I like that's also I can get to the airport but just hit me with that came all this way it's it's not my favorite neighborhood like this it's high-rises it's shitty businesses living Manhattan everybody's ugly I'm in the village yeah that's literally a village it's a village takes a village takes all kinds well this happened in some places aren't high-rise village people there's a story of the airport yeah I'm 15 minutes I don't want to live in LaGuardia but you know the

Hudson news I'm not allowed in there anymore you're gonna be a cobble hell I'm telling you you're either gonna get lit you're gonna become one of them they're gonna kill you they're gonna lynch you or you're gonna have fedora and fucking the clear glasses well no you're acting like he moved somewhere and you become you're not Greek no but I like anal true true alright you got me there fatty I don't know it's such a culture but also but more and you're in danger but also they're gonna be like that's Mark Norman he's on Rogan they're gonna torch you I don't know I walked around the

neighborhood I met the neighbors it's an old Indian man he was like oh thank you very much or whatever the hell comedy I like comedy you can't even say that in that neighborhood and they're gonna hang you well it's a lot of black folk too which I feel good about cuz they don't get offended that's true that and you come in there with the clear glasses they go look at this motherfucker with a window on his face or whatever the hell they say so they keep it real which neighborhood is it again for green oh for green yes that's where Spike Lee's from how about that yes care for him Chuck input three words or less output no

input all right perfect you gotta have an opinion you think God came down and stopped the bullets haha I just I'm now watching the four-hour Tarantino doc about two hours in a two hour tour all right so I went to Phoenix Phoenix underrated city I would never live there I'd rather kill myself but it's blazing hot it's a dry heat and the team's name is the Suns but it's a great crowd it's a great club the part the neighborhood they put you in is it's like right downtown it's shops and businesses and restaurants and I had a great goddamn time we added a Saturday show at four which will really sneak up on you oh boy that four o'clock

you got a four seven and 930 but you know I'm out there with my gang and we like to booze so you wake up at one we do a zoom and then now it's 2 30 and you're like I can shower shit shave and I'm back at the show right yeah that's tough the forest of you want to have a four but no other shows that's that would be nice that is the dream I've always said that since I was like 14 years old I want like I want to do a 2 p.m. show and be like good night folks that's a Cosby did and he never had any bad ideas no no he's delivered a great life but what are we doing in Tampa we're doing I think we're doing a seven and nine and

a four in the morning well right now there's only two shows I assume the 710 or something but I don't think there is there I thought we did three shows that I thought that's how we're gonna cover the whole but I think we started with one then out of the second sold out sold out I don't know if we've added the third just yet oh maybe we should option let's add I mean it's gonna be a it's gonna be a pain in the ass but there's like nine of us so we don't have to do three hours it's also tricky though because we're arriving that day I'm coming from Nashville and you're coming from Atlanta or something like that yeah I don't

know I think San Antonio it's not a bad flight that doesn't seem bad it's probably that's wrecked though you're probably gonna fly from San Antonio to fucking Minnesota that's gonna be fun though come be part of that yeah that's what people should make a trip down just to be a part of it yeah you might have seen our acts 19 times and you hate Ari I get it but could be fun you know just that it's gonna be a vibe it's gonna be a there's an energy in the air it's a bachelor party for Christ's sake folks they'll be a lot of energy it's gonna be fun I can't wait I'm very excited yes gonna we're gonna be in London together

too we only for like 10 minutes we gotta figure out our schedules wouldn't that be nice we get a gay London app where we we do a pod and you can see big Ben in the back yeah we do it right by the window and we could do something like we're gonna talk to ugly people yes yes look look your teeth yeah we'll meet Mary Poppins it'll be nice I like that one check on boy well the London bridge it's falling what time how long we've been up here I feel like it's been like six months we're gonna need a clock in here all right great wow wow that and you still got 18 more novellas to dump on me I know I mean I haven't even got to

Bob I'm only in day one of continue on the continue on the Patriot Pomspray continue the Patriot and also next week of the week after I got I got Boston Patriots day I gotta get to Buffalo it's been wild we got a lot to catch up on yeah but the big news folks the time is here it's finally come the big race this Friday night 9 30 p.m. p.m. everyone keeps me like a m or p.m. I'm releasing it at nine o'clock in the morning what is this a week all that a really televangelist 9 30 p. Eastern that's 6 30 Pacific and 2 30 a.m. in London get out there YouTube my YouTube subscribe now jump in there I'll be in

the live chat I'm gonna be hit up Chuck for algorithm shit I don't know any of the algorithms Jason cast directors like you put in too many hashtags or you shouldn't have done that clip you shouldn't have that I don't know what the fuck's going on so are you it's five days away from now are you gonna do a clip every now and then are you gonna wait till it comes out to do clips well I was told to stop putting clips up I put the preview up then I put a whole bit up there the roller coaster bits I go watch that's a classic and then the special comes out Friday watch it live because this algorithm is like a god we

all pray to the fucking algorithm it makes me literally want to shoot a fucking bullet through the back of my head yeah I hate it I hate that it's this thing that exists but it does yep so watch it live that's the best thing you can do comment like share and I don't have all the fucking hoopla and the PR and the Rogan and the shit so just you are putting at the microphone there's the camera you make it happen make it work last time is on comedy essentially have all these subscribers I got a fraction of it so go subscribe tell everybody have a party for God's sakes I got to try to make my fucking

money back here you can Venmo that's always a good feeling when the producers making sure the camera's running yeah you can Venmo PayPal if you want to give a few bucks a lot of people have already asked one guy sent 50 bucks already let me give a show that's big baby 50 bucks from let me find it did a thing when I did called super chat or super group or super super super soker super sex super like super chat something like but he just just the Venmo's came in they were all competing with each other was amazing wow tell me about that Brandon Brandon Gerber Gerber baby food yes 50 bucks on a Monday hell yeah so

thank you BG and anyone try to try to match that fucking pass that yeah Gerber but thank you if you want to give a couple bucks five bucks seven bucks two bucks three bucks it's free it's on YouTube tele-friend and then a couple dates Austin next week May 5th to the 7th Cap City get your tickets now yes in the week after that that Wednesday I'm doing Wilson North Carolina oh quick break and then I'm at good nights in Raleigh another new room oh yeah they moved also and then May 30th is gig not gig harbor that's where I'm staying to coma to coma comedy club and then June I go to San Francisco June 9th to the

11th and then rickshaw theater in Vancouver June 12th and then a bunch more coming up Nashville side splitters with you and the gang it's gonna be great oh yeah next week I'll be in LA me and Sam are doing some shows at the Improv and some other places I'm with Bird at the Greek Addison Improv in Dallas I love this club I always have a great time in the DAL come on out Kennedy Bricktown okay see after that then we're in London we should should we set something up in London or is that too much my agent's been telling me he's trying for a while I got six lime he's hitting me up about a bar room they got

I just got an email about London all right well let's let's figure something because the gays are foaming at the mouth they'll come out they're half chubbed then I'm in Huntsville Alabama folks and Magoobies in Baltimore Gora Theater in Cleveland tickets are horrible Pantages Theater in Minneapolis tickets are solid and the Vic in Chicago that's a Burke Chrysler stuff Irvine Improv in LA Houston Improv in Tejas Lexington Kentucky San Antonio then Tampa with the queefs and what else I got to interject something here please London calling believable bad cap city just told me the venue isn't ready to

open and won't be ready for your weekend next week wow give me a call when you can man I've seen some people get dumped in real time before but that is the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard so cancel the Austin tickets I just bought a $900 flight I should reimburse oh my god they gotta reimburse and then I might be in London okay it looks like deal memo coming through coming across the wire I love the wire good show so how I disagree so how theater was unavailable but there's a place called to sit the name crumpets London but we're looking at it here it's not going to be

on sale yet obviously but May 19th Londoners May 19th I'm gonna have something cooking are you there yet no man you're getting there early huh I get why do an episode that you're not on I guess I see I see you that's fun intensive care unit that's also I see you yeah well anyway so May 19th I'll be doing a show in London I don't know where it is somewhere in Soho not the Soho theater they weren't available neither was cap city I mean I feel like my career is ending like in real time here well watch the special folks he's about to kill himself yeah yeah emails are just dick kicks yeah yeah well I'm not gonna be an

Austin fuck Austin I don't like it anyways I got fucking mugged last time and Rogan never got back to me so fuck Austin I won't be there there you go unbelievable you hear that Austin Brian Austin green whatever happened to him all right he's doing better than I am apparently yeah I think he's a cap city this weekend all right folks we'll see you all in hell we love you praise our loss sorry about the vibe I hope there's a job you're better than Austin yeah well George is saying I'm here I'm open bye thank you