Tuesdays with Stories! - #450 Spade! Damon! Garfield!

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

It's a hot, hot ep as Mark and Joe recap their performance for Matt Damon! Joe's new special "This Year's Material" is released on Youtube and he talks about his watch party, as Mark encounters one bad hombre! Finally, Mark gets an heartwarming DM from David Spade! Sponsors: - Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/Tuesdays - Support the show and get 15% off your first Raycon order at https://BuyRaycon.com/Tuesdays - Support the show and get 3 months free by visiting https://ExpressVPN.com/Tuesdays - Support the show and get 20% off your first order by visiting https://NativeDeo.com/tuesdayswithstories Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, WEEKLY bonus stuff, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're back in the studio on a Sunday we had to come in here on the fucking day off just because we're scared of everybody it's very weird Chuck's been coming on all the door handles we're back we've been here

in seven weeks the still reeks of Shelby in here and it's just very strange I can smell those lips a mile away but yeah it's empty it feels like being at school on a weekend you know the halls are blank and there's no one around to yell at you yeah we should do a little breakfast club run around jumping down getting the vents or whatever I love it yeah I got a false alarm I gotta apologize I thought it was Mother's Day someone told me it was Mother's Day I think Sarah I think yeah last night she was like oh I think it's Mother's Day so I texted I told you it's Mother's Day then I texted my mother you texted your

mother my mother wrote back it's it's next week you dip shit yeah and it is my friend Derek's birthday so that's something okay that's something he's like a mother yeah he's got tits yeah but yeah I texted my mom as well and then she's and she's like it's not Mother's Day and I went oh sorry well I'll call you later she goes yeah you better we got a lot to talk about so my god a lot to talk about yeah I was fighting no it's just she wants to be made muffins she's a new book she's gay you know it's all these she have a book my mom has written four books no kidding wow artist mother oh she is on it baby she runs a

museum she's all cultured she's worldly she's fat what a mother so she she sits there and oh yeah she's typing and ticking and tacking and you know I'd sling dick jokes in bar rooms but sale the same you're both telling stories you're both communicating for the entertainment of others that's true that's true hers is all about you know this is how hot sauce is made and here's the soul food and I'm like how about these Puerto Ricans yeah that's that's pretty cool it's a cool you got a cool mom she's cool cast to get a podcast I remember hearing about that I did it I did it I got on there you know it's like doing

Rogan huge exposure just had a huge spike oh yeah yeah real road spike right up my ass it's tough doing a pie with your mom because you're sitting there and all we do is queef craft jizz and anal and she's like so how is the New York City going and you're like it's very good mother oh my god I can imagine a podcast with my mother oh it's brutal it's in the words of Mike Lawrence I remember he had a dinner with his mom and he did a set and he goes oh well I had dinner with my mom earlier now I'm doing a show this is my second performance of the night that's fun and it's so true it's like a date it's a date and it's a

date where you're trying not to get laid so it's all backwards do you think if you met your young mother like back to the future should be into you I bet she would you don't think so I mean your handsome she loves you you got a nice bod now now she's all into you know the smarts and the books and the schools and I would I was shucking and driving doing shots and eating out ass yeah no you're not smart but no still I mean you'd be funny you'd be charming I'm sure you probably dipper or like finger or hair or pussy or something sure well my mom wasn't she's an interesting looking lady but she now has the short hair gray

hair short hmm red coke bottle glasses cuckoo earrings you know like me like an art teacher yeah she looks like you she's a little taller and a little thinner but she wears Crocs and Moomoo oh she's all in I hate Crocs I see some with Crocs I just want to smack him across the face I hate a crock yeah crock of shit crock pot what was a crock of shit did you have that we said crock all the time that was big it was big what's a crock an alligator is that what it is a crock of shit but you can call it a crock well there's a crock pot crock pot what's a crock pot I know the crock pot you know crock pot but what

is a crock pot I don't really know a crock pot that you put oh it's a little there put some what is that a cream of mush stew griffin and then you put it in and you put the top on you and they go all right in 13 days yes will be a brisket that's right Sarah has one of those she'll make it I'll use it to steam you ever meet a Gus yeah once really I told you about what's I said I killed that snake I told you about and slide all the way yeah that's right Gus well there was a guy I forget his name tough name Gus his name was student in high school his name was stew everyone called him stew and I think his last name was

stew it or something they're a stew I preferred soup and then my friend forgot his name was like isn't that Gus and we all made fun of him yeah cuz you're like he thought his name was Gus that's hilarious but stew and Gus are actually pretty close they got a you in there and an S three letters Stu Gus ah Stu Gus that's a rough name so it's do gus it's 66% the same word just mixed up sure as to you g us there you go so you flip the S and the move the you it's like your thing with Ari and Ira right you flip yes both Jewish names just yeah around I think Gus is short for something like Gustav or goes good

stop oh bus if you name your kid Gus he's gonna be blue collar he's gonna be a chimney sweep or a AC vac what do you call those HVAC thank you yeah and fat also Gus feels like a fat guy the mouse in Cinderella was Gus and he was a real porker no kidding Cinderella Cinderella you have a lovely belly I can't remember the song no I don't remember it either it was Disney it was a big one that big Cinderella guy really no Cinderella story that's a big sports term oh yeah Cinderella story I just care for that either it's funny when these giant fat you know manly sports guys with a beer and a mustache or like it's a Cinderella

story I'm like it's weird that you're quoting this Disney cartoon from the 40s that the Cinderella man oh yeah the boxer I try to do a joke a long time ago speaking of men with silly things there's like those motorcycle bikers that have the tassels yeah that's why you see the black leather tassels and I always thought that was I try to do this as a joke when I was 11 years old right I bet you like he's like a tough guy he's got me a gang he's got skull and crossbones he's like can I get some tassels on here it's true I want some tassels waving right it's like when they strange when they have those jackets and

all under here it's like all these dangly tinsel bullshit on their jacket right yeah more tassels tassels very tassily yes David tasselhoff offensive tassel aha tassel box it's hard it's Sunday folks so we're a little wacky here don't tassel me I'm local I've never been I've never we've never done a Sunday it's like a there's a big bike race outside you and I was this is bad for comedy we met in Bryant Park it's 70 degrees sunny we just sat and looked at the grass it was like we're meditating and kissing what's funny as you go to you go to Paris you go to gay paris or Italy we got it right here fatty it's that we're

in it yeah it's pretty good well French babes they smoke cigarettes they got hairy armpits they're sexy Lizzie comaton sure not fat either no they all eat his fish bread cheese and dessert and smoke cigarettes and they they're anorexic they look great they look amazing I don't love the hairy arm but what are you gonna do now I don't care for a hairy armpit a hairy leg really is a I'm very old school I see a hairy now my wife doesn't shave for a couple days it's my wife I love her there's a couple prickly's whatever but the ones with just the swoopy long hair on the leg I just I can't I can't abide ah swoopy is tough

you know when you're in a pool and it goes like that whoa but my dad had shoulder hair so we'd be in the pool and he'd be throwing me and I remember seeing that shit wiggle but a spiky on a lady isn't terrible because you're like alright it's it's coming in right but it's not it's not living there it's visiting no I feel bad how do my pew a big bush I'll take it their pussy looks like the top of your head I'm okay with it yeah alright I don't know about that but I don't mind a little five o'clock shadow it's Don Draper pussy had a hard work day I want to put a cigarette right in the clam but a full bush is tough

because you can't see it I want to see the laib I don't mind I just want to feel the laib and I don't mind having pubes all over my tongue like like somebody you know put scotch tape on a cat and ripped it off like somebody dropped a scone on the floor at the barbershop no I like I like really part and through there and like put my fingers through that when you put your hands down panties and it's pubes it lets you know it's like a warning track let you know like you're almost at the the wall it's almost a home run right and it lets you know that oh that she's legal right you know that's not necessarily my 13 year old

boyfriend has pubic hair that's true I forgot about Reggie yeah Reggie he's a sexy little Greek hey Reg love you buddy cute kid big puke small dick well let me plug this special guy like the special oh yeah it's out I'm just gonna get it out there right now if you haven't listened go listen if you watch it put it on repeat we're slaves to the algorithm so we really need the views you know what a night I gotta tell you I'm still riding the high lay it on me just right at my eye I want to hear everything we all promoted it it's such a big deal a guy doing a special it's like it's better than marriage it's very exciting it's

it is completely independent this is an independent film my own cash my own dollars I gave it to Jason Katz he shot the whole thing what a crew this guy two buffoons they're called you got that right and cats couple great buffoons and I said just make it look like the other one let's just do it I don't care whatever the sign costs seven thousand dollars now I should have bought it the seven thousand I charge I know all these people are offering to buy it now I'm like well I could have used you by the way you can buy it just call a company and say hey make me a sign that's a good point six by four that says Joe Liz

send him a picture but you gotta have the real one that you want the story it's like when they buy Steve McQueen's car or Don Lemon's watch you want the real one yeah you don't want the you want the because then you go hey you know this is a Harry Belafonte's butt plug here yeah there becomes a replica yes don't you hate when you look at something and you stare at it and then underneath it says replica you see like a trophy like this is the NHL fucking the Campbell conference replica fuck me yeah hey to rep replica sounds like a Toyota Toyota replica mm-hmm that's not bad but then you got a fake car yeah yeah but can I

can I say you know we're comics where we're queefy we're gay we're loners we're introverts we're nutjobs we're anal we're herpes riddled we we these specials for our group it's like having a kid yeah the way these other people normies out there not my fans just normals you know they have a day job they go to an office they have a cocktail at happy hour they watch the Super Bowl they go to Christmas normal lives they all have a kid and they all go we have a bachelor party or a bridal shower or baby shower or a golden shower this is our kid this is our kid and you make another one you got a little baby I got a little baby

he's three days old you know what I mean he's crying he's shitting and wiping his ass and if it's the specialist funny the kid is healthy it's a healthy baby we gotta it's got a hundred thousand views on this healthy baby if you have a bad bomb that's a retarded kid yeah well what are you gonna do it happens plus then there's the kids with like a hair lip arm over here the brain is moist or whatever yes yes they got the water baby head the long forehead that's tough now what's like a I guess Chappelle he's had like Siamese children oh good point nuts I think that's terms out a conjoined conjoined yeah he does two at

a time right that is like the eight minute special or 15 minute special that was like a premature baby me he had a preemie and then Louie has these specials behind a paywall that's like that guy had a kid in a back back room of a bar with like a unlicensed doctor right dirty tools and with the short thing the preemie it's like a preemie because everyone's like it's amazing you got to see it then you're like is it doesn't seem ideal but you got to pretend I'm like I would have loved an hour long healthy baby this is just kind of a PSA baby I think we got something here with behind the scenes

you're like it's amazing I mean behind in public you're like this great great baby good for you heroic yes you really sent a message with that baby but then they leave and you're like Jesus Christ right which they worked on a baby and us doing these YouTube specials it's like we're having a kid in our house we don't need the fucking hospital we don't need you with all your extra money and tubes and Purell we're doing it right on the couch yeah we're like Jenny McCarthy we got unvaccinated children yeah she's against the shots yeah well she's singled out I don't know where she's at boy that show I really jerked it to that

television program she was always so hot so hot and goofy and just tits everywhere then karma electric comes in and then she's nothing to sneeze at either no I never got into Carmen Electra love that Electra yeah I don't like giant cans well then what about Macarth well McCarthy had personality yeah wasn't great she was blonde the leg she was fun she was funny and crass to me now I don't care for personality but back then now she's met Donnie Wahlberg perfect to washed up losers I saw them at the socks game once had she looked yeah I was from a distance behind is like back of the head yeah look at that there's a shelf life on

that coos yeah it's tough but the Wahlbergs too I mean well I guess Markie Mark still hanging in he looks okay he's good hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by better help online therapy life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it symptoms can include a lack of motivation feeling helpless or trapped attachment fatigue and much more I've been I've had all kinds of things up like this I've had pins and needles in my arms I've had migraine headaches I've had constipation and diarrhea all from stress and anxiety I'm doing much better right now and the reason is I

started to go to therapy we associate burnout with work but that's not the only cause any of our roles in life can lead us to feel burned out and better help online therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself you can't take care of anybody else unless you take and care yourself first that's why I love therapy it allowed me to understand my own problems and then now I'm much more better of service to everybody else so check out better help better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to

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siblings are getting her flowers chocolates wouldn't it be nice to be the one person that sends her great earbuds you know what I mean that's a nice ear buds excuse me my speech impediment Raycons are mom friendly for those who are just switching to wireless earbuds they're easy to set up easy to use plus they come in a bunch of color options so you can find mom a color that suits her you know mom and their colors with optimized gel tips for the perfect in-ear fit these earbuds are so comfortable and they will not budge promise you that tell your mom how much you love her and make sure she hears it

in a crystal clear audio quality with Raycon go to buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays to get 15% off your Mother's Day order that's buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays it's coming up it's just a few days away get some Raycons Marcus Ray calm by the way speaking of I'll come back to the special how about Matt Damon we didn't perform for Matt Damon winner Jerry I forgot that fucked up we're performing for goodwill and I don't you remember it Oscar winner and then the next day I went to Andrew Garfield I had Matt Damon Andrew Garfield back to back how do you like that and my lady saw Alec Baldwin with his fake Hispanic wife on

6th Avenue no kidding yeah celebrity weather the celebrities are out at 65 and sunny but how about this so I get to the stand and Adele the manager is like oh my god Matt Damon is here and you know I'm a Boston guy departed goodwill hunting he's Boston I'm Boston we both love the socks you lace cut curtain Irish fuck they were both hot and you know so it's it's like slightly different he's a little bit older than me but you know Boston Irish hot guy sex symbols yes that's you well one in the same you got that right how do you like them apples dick so I go oh my god Matt Damon we're like we're like cousins you

know brothers even so I'm like I gotta really bring the heat and kill cuz my my boy Damon's out there and I had an old goodwill hunting bit when I first started I was like dust that off that was 25 years old he would know that was directly pandering right for that David poop shoot I know well somebody else alluded to Jason Bourne I'm like alright we got it easy but it's too hard so I'm like I gotta come up with some Bob maybe I'll do a bit I'll just I'll just wedge it in there like you know as a socks fan things are a little bit weird green monster so I went up I had a great set fun set good set okay set I kind of bombed

whatever yeah I come off and then you get there and then you were like the Boston bomb they were starting on they were like ahead of schedule it was very weird they were like and by the way they're about to throw some guy up to kill time and then you showed up I had to watch him get like devastated ah well hey that's the brakes dickless welcome to show biz that's the way it goes so then you go up there and this is why I can't get ahead and show business we're standing in the back corner and John Rodzinski's there who I really like that love that guy SNL alarm cute as a button great on curb yeah oh that's right

big err arc on curb big arc arc Norman golden arches there you go so we're back there the show ends and I go oh my god Matt Damien's gonna walk by and I just can't do it I don't want to be that queef who's like oh you're walking by yeah so I gotta go hide let's go hide I just I dive in the back and John Rodzinski who's like doing well in show business is like I want to say hi to Matt Damon yeah you know we don't have that I jump behind a case of vodka and I'm like this oh my god he'll never like me who cares I suck a piece I'm literally like hiding in the AV room that's funny a celebrity comes and you hide I know it's

bad it's bad I'm so stupid what is what do you think is gonna happen he's gonna go the teeth well I just don't want to look is that how people feel they might feel that way maybe a lady or two but I go I tell you one time there's a Boston comic and he said your teeth if they're on a woman would be a deal breaker and I'd never stopped thinking about it was he trying to be a meanest guy on the planet I think so okay well I think he was a sad loser who's never amounted to anything yeah he's a piece of shit but I wouldn't be a deal break I think I don't know a woman with these teeth forget about it yeah even if she

was the hottest I don't even notice the teeth I don't think they're that bad well we see each other a lot maybe I don't know I'm out luckily you got a type two that closes it closes up on it yeah actually I will kill myself but not today the specials do it well Matt Damon hates me you got that right so we go and hide and then we're talking going oh yeah this is crazy and then I'm like am I a fucking idiot why don't I just say hi to Matt Damon but I'm afraid of him being like this we get it you want to say hello yeah that guy that's like oh whoops I didn't even know you're in there I know well you could just stand

there you don't have to say hi you don't know him why would you say hi anyway right walk by yeah but I didn't want to be the guy that's just waiting for my praise oh excuse me hello after the show yes I'm saying after so I hide we hang up for a while and you're like I got to go to a bar show so you take off then I'm hanging out and Adele goes I just met Matt Damon it was crazy good did he mention me she goes no he was here to see Mark like oh come on that's that's are you kidding I think his friend was the fan and then his friend's a fan but his friend was like you got to go see this guy Mark Norman by the way it was

the most perfect setup for me though cuz I went Norman it was perfect it was so perfect but it was just it crushed me I'm Boston come on the socks give him Damon you can have no he's mine too it's gotta be a New Orleans asshole who Ellen's from New Orleans all right you can have Ellen I guess no who's the guy isn't the law or somebody iconic junior yeah there you go he's there you know all right I'll take Harry Khan Matt Damon's mine Damon Affleck Boogie bets Marky Mark Mark Wahlberg I guess I don't know yeah you got a lot of bean town over there I know we rule it is crazy the amount of

talent coming out of mass great talent it's something brewing in that area you got MIT got Harvard plus you got blue collar you got snow you got Irish you got a shooting yes hitting your wife whatever it is domestic abuse racism I don't know what it is but the sports teams that's all I do is think about the sports teams what do you mean look at the sweater all day I'm thinking about their talent oh well you could bring in talent though that's different cuz they're not all over Toronto 1841 you don't play for the town you grew up in yeah that would be a cool time I would prefer to see people from their town playing but

Damon is actually like I hear this see mark and I'm like son of an onion this piece of shit can I just have Damon but no Damon so then you saw Damon I didn't what I was looking I was looking and I had to run out but the whole time I'm going so blacks are weird you know and I'm looking out there and I can't find them oh I thought you chatted with Damon no no chat no chat what oh I've been so mad for four days behind the vodka boxes I know I made you know and then I hightailed it out of there and boy Adele looks so nice these days oh very attractive very attracted to Adele but I fucked you I thought when you went up

there you bumped into David no bump no cuz somebody said I was there when Mark found out that he was there to see him no I didn't know I did the set I said hi to you I said a derogatory term about Asians and then I still born identity I got out of there oh in my head it was just you and Damon like giving each other noogies and then you've given like chicken fights with Damon on your shoulders I was like I wanted Damon how do you like that I shouldn't hit no no hid hid I should have stood out there and said hey I thought about being this guy socks are up 3 to 1 yeah yeah but then he's like all right I get it you

queef and people say that to me and I'm like this okay great I'm with you though I met Larry David who I feel a weird connection to and a kinship and I he was sitting where Chuck is and I was at Amy Schumer's wedding and she goes oh Larry you got to meet Mark and I go hey doing and he goes hey and that was it I could have gone over and gone I'm a huge fan I fucked your daughter or whatever but I just gave it one of these because it was out of respect right you gave him a high all out of respect yes yes I knew he liked it I knew he was a Jewish man and I wanted to go hug him and kiss him on the cheek and nibble his

ear but you know it's hard to say with Springsteen I met Springsteen I want to be like this you're my dad I can't believe it my whole life changed because of you that's all I do is listen to you and I want to be like this of course skin right off his but but but but but but but but but but but but it's weird because everything in your body saying leap on him sit on his lap tickle his balls but yeah you out of respect you push back he do the exact opposite of what you want to do well you have a deep hatred for yourself so I'm like I don't want to punish him with my company you like to see my teeth and maybe I get

herpes you're like I can't deep hatred but any who it was exciting and we got to perform for Matt Damon that was fun I did think you bumped into him though that's no bum if I did I didn't notice I probably called him a f-word and got out of there but but how crazy that a guy whose friends with Matt Damon is like Matt you got to go see my buddy Mark Norman it's insane it's wild and I didn't have the best set of my life either by the way so that was a tough group and no I was getting heckled the whole time so I'm like I want to like channel energy to the heckler like Matt Damon is here shut the fuck up I know

I know ruining this for me but no call you know you think oh maybe I'll get an email maybe I'll get a nice job at a boy nothing but he knows about you and he's probably watching he probably want to bother you he's probably like I don't want to be the guy who's like hey I'm a movie star I wanted to say you're great but he's watching you Matt Damon knows you well well maybe he'll see this and now he knows you look at that sweater fatty well I work for you MD hey Damon John do you house or MD but in the next day I go to get a nice haircut in midtown because I'm doing well I leave and as I walk up the street I just see

all these paparazzi which happens every once in a while in New York there's like 50 of them which is a weird feeling because you have to walk through them like they're all like the whole sidewalk is blocked but this is my town and I got to get to home but you know look at my wife's hairy pussy she sleeps big bush and so you got to just like walk through these paparazzi's I'm like I don't give a shit they're like you're in the shot they're like doing that I'm like well I got to go home right and then a car pulls up and I see a lady who's just filming and I go who we excited to see and she goes I actually don't know

that's a hive mentality yeah she's like I don't even know but she's gonna get her celebrity right and then some guy over here goes it's Andrew Garfield who I'm not a big fan of frankly yeah I don't care for his face not a great face but good good acting so then I take a my phone I go I'll snap a photo of the scene grab a photo Andrew Garfield he comes out he signs some autographs you know I'll be a movie star soon so I take a photo I want to know it's I'll be like him you know with the little shitty people signing autographs you know let them take my photo designer glasses there you go I take a couple photos it's

fine I posted up on Instagram then in the background there's a guy making this face hmm and so I circled him and wrote I guess he's more of a Toby McGuire guy I post that's fun content King of content then I get a message he's like hey that's me oh he's a Tuesday that's hilarious so he's looking at Garfield I'm back there George that's the exact scenario that's him that's me and then the next day somebody tagged me it's like the Andrew Garfield fan page and you just see me back there like boo I love the idea of you cutting through the paparazzi and all the shots are just forehead you know they can't get around

it man that's fun wow how do you look he looked hot I mean Garfield I don't think is attractive but he looked spoken hot I think he's a handsome guy I think the ladies dig him no kidding well I think he's a goofy silly boy but Garfield he likes lasagna hate Monday's Heathcliff yeah Garfield knockoff there's a rip and I watched it sadly me too Heathcliff Heathcliff no one cares you got that right right no one did he's a Heathcliff guy I prefer Garfield well I've seen Heathcliff he was basically Garfield with adventures Garfield sat on a couch fucked with Odie shit on Greg or what's the guy's name John John Arbuckle

yeah shit on John then he went back into his hole was Heathcliff a garbage cat yeah junkyard cat JYC there was a lot of junkyard based comedy cartoons back there was like Toxic Avengers and junkyard dog and I was gonna go to the ground Oscar the Grouch fucking trash can fuck around Sesame Street that is one of the great bits ever oh that whole chunk I let's observational it's genius Chabelle at his best is the best yeah kill him softly is still isn't that sad that he's that's the thing about comedy you everything else you get better and better but that is still his prime work I think his masterpiece yeah well there's

other factors though you know you go you do some TV and then you get whatever personal problem whatever but speaking of specials the specials I just want to say a shout out to everybody that's watching it's up on YouTube right now it's called this year's material go subscribe like comment to share we're over a hundred thousand views of the time of recording this which is very exciting it was a special night it really was it was magical and I was there and I can you know when you feel it crackling in the air you can feel it and you felt it that night I'm sitting next to Louie we're laughing half the shit I

hadn't heard which is also fun you get to see your friends act which we never do we're always in Poughkeepsie and Phoenix or whatever so really magical night special night and then Friday night it came out we watched I had a big watch party people came over the house it was a good group Matt Wayne Sarah her sister canter Louie came over Butler Matt Damon Sam Evans Isabel Hagan Ben Affleck there we go for getting somebody oh it's your phone of course I don't care for him yeah I know he bummed all night you know there we go consistent but it was one of those things we had the countdown going chavone came over early

we smoked a cigar in the back Ronon came downstairs I got all these comics living in my you gotta move to Queen I tell you the clubhouse I'm telling you last night Rana comes home from his spots he sits there he tells me all his sob story about his stupid spots go subscribe to his YouTube by the way he's got a special coming out that's right that's right killer get on these YouTube's this is the way you got to support these folks that aren't getting the industry love yes we're having babies on a couch folks look at it that way exactly yeah it was very exciting now how about this I'm in Calusa

California I'm groggy I'm on three hours of sleep it's a seven and a half hour travel day and I'm in the back of a casino sitting on my phone and I go let me check out the special because it's seven seven o'clock seven o'clock there yeah so the special came out at 9 30 9 30 you stirred so that means it's been out for half hour right yeah so I'm all loopy I'm drinking a tequila and I go let me check it out and then I see the live chat going the chat was insane so then I jump in and go comedy it's all pipes whatever the fuck jizz on my ass and then you're like Mark's here and then I see Louise in there and it was just a

it was great I'm in the middle of nowhere and I felt close well it was quite a thrill because we have it on my TV we're all sitting in a big circle and everyone has it on their screens because we're trying to cheat the algorithm and canner figure out he knows how to get you can watch it live with the chat buzzing on the side of the TV oh wow so we got it on the big screen TV with the chat going and everybody's like I'm writing this I'm writing that and it was funny because they have the super chat where you can put money up and highlights your comment yes to make some money so right as it started or it was counting down

Louise like I'm gonna give a ridiculous amount of money it'll be funny and I'll write a comment so he puts down $500 wow and then he doesn't have a comment because we're all stupid we don't know we're doing we're old he's in his 70s sure so he gives it just says Louie CK $499.99 and it just pops up with no comment no anything that's kind of cooler it's kind of fun but everyone's like is that the real Louie which is hilarious that somebody would impersonate Louie and give me $500 so he gives $500 as a goof Chavone's giving a few bucks and my wife's giving a couple bucks and but he blew it because a half hour

later there's 4,000 people watching live that's an arena a theater a hockey you ball baseball park theater 4,000 is nice so there's 4,000 people in there but everyone's respect and people are like is that the real Louie and he's like suck my dick you fucking asshole that was fun then you piped in all piped in I'm piping yeah and it was so fun we were having laughs and just a great hang yeah and you feel so good because everyone's so nice and then we watched Tim Burton's Batman and we just like mystery science theater to the whole thing that's a fun show it was fun and then we watched Dumb and Dumber and then we just sat around

telling comedy story we hung out to like one o'clock in the morning telling comedy stories we had wings pizza cakes cupcakes you know canner and Wayne had a couple beers and there's the watch and boy it was just a great great one of the best nights literally of my whole life I felt so much love thank you to all the Tuesdays it just feels so heartwarming genuinely heartwarming and we have such great friends and so much town people Louie brought a gift it was the microphone from DC when he shot the special the 2017 Mike daughters of our revolution yes yes sorry I couldn't get that out

yeah yeah our daughter's American Revolution that's it they have that's the name of the venue that was one of our highlight comedy weekends of all time yes that was really something to jump in jacks throwing the oranges George Town game George's thing got it so I got that microphone sweet gift plus 500 bucks yeah and donate but it said now please enter and I blacked out yeah that's fine you know what you have to do another window I'm done exactly but just a special night you all just touched my heart and touched my ass keep it going share it with somebody that you haven't shared it with put it on Twitter Instagram the whole

thing and we're trying to organically grow this yes you want the industry to be like this we fucked up again we fucked up again we're missing all the good comedy everybody wants good comedy this is good comedy so get on it folks it's right there for you for free tell a friend share it's a killer special and I think you'll enjoy it so why not watch it put it on the background while you make love to your daughters put it on tell some friends buy a ticket to a show and you just feel good you're like all right that's two banger our specials in less than two years and a feature film coming right up the tailpipe behind King

and I'm playing the game now baby and all the little haters come out he's just this he's just that suck my dick you're nothing you're nothing and you know murdering for an hour your wife back and guess what I'm touring with a new hour fuck you you're not that I'm something hell yeah wow you know it you fucking know it you're not that and you know it you got nothing you queef skin yourself you haters all you gotta leave your dump come at the sound sucks hair cut yeah your whole life sticks your life is miserable this is your lot life you got a shit on everything and poop but you're worthless get help I'm

bringing joy you're bringing the hate I'm like your darkness yes you're a zero kill yourself and fuck your dad yeah anyways I appreciate the support I love all you thank you I'll get my teeth fixed comedy all right you hear that David so hey Damon please like me Matt Damon yeah I think you'd like him yeah I don't know I didn't I looked over well someone said this like this classic thing someone was like oh sit next to me was laughing was he really good where dad where was he I was looking I was scanning he was back left he was like the departed he had a hat on like this they all gonna have hats have a hat he was

like this in the corner okay and yeah I peeked in while you were on it wasn't pretty he was texting okay I believe you I would have texted his friend brought literally a guy was like hey Matt Damon you gotta see Mark Norman yeah it seems strange but now it's real the stand the stand is cooking we got to give a little love to the stand oh my god keep having us back and they're selling tickets and you got a pop when you walk on big pop the fans are out I appreciate it hell yeah so uh whoo we're to begin let me just throw it Kalusa hit me with Kalusa I don't even know what this is and then that guy from NYPD blue

I think you look at a Kahlua which is a drink David Kaluso he's the Asian cup I never watched it I was already done with cop dramas is 900 CSI HTV HGTV what's it called special victims anal SVW TV stinks yeah but can I ask a question is there a reason the table is 400 feet from us I actually brought it in closer and I got tired can we pull it in or fuck up the shot because my water is about seven feet from there we go well now I got no leg here but the leg all the way across shit sorry I'm pulling wires the wires stinks too pulling strings so it's literally a Friday night gig one night or at a casino in the

middle of nowhere Kalusa is about an hour from SAC oh SAC town yes so you got to fly to Sacramento so it's an 8 a.m. flight all the way to Denver then you gotta whatever you call it transfer thank you transition all the way to Sacramento then you got to get in a black town car and drive the hour nice so it is a hum ding ur and I'm talking you are driving and you're looking out you go oh god if you see a farmhouse you're lucky it is it looks like the bottle of a ranch dressing it's just hills and trees and picket fences I love it that's luck oh thank god I saw town house well I just I like civilization I'm a city

queen sure like oh there's a guy I'm hoeing over there hoeing is that a thing I don't know I just get a question it but I liked it back ho back co front ho okay oh you man he had the trail right right there's ho ho those are good ding dong ho ho yo chuck's got all of them in his bag yeah he lost weight I'm just kidding all right well ho knows baseball but so I'm in the middle of nowhere and you know you pull up to this you know these Indian casinos which is the last thing we call Indian by the way you know it's all Native American we say in the casino no it's a Native American casino interesting just saying

yeah the casinos I think right yeah they got the land we gave them some land they get the casinos doesn't seem like like the Native Americans are doing great and then it's weird to throw my gambling thing on top of it well some of them weird it's like anything there's a few of them that'll I have hundreds of millions of dollars and they have the casinos yeah there's like four of them with money yeah but I think a lot of them it's not great yeah all righty Tuesday the story is brought to you by express VPN when you use the bathroom you always close the door behind you right you probably don't want random passerby's

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slash Tuesday's today today use my exclusive link EXPR ESS VPN dot com slash Tuesday's and get and you can get an extra three months free that's express VPN dot com slash Tuesday's thank you native deodorant you heard us talk about our love for native they understand it's not just what's on the inside that counts but also the outside that's why native is releasing their deodorant that you know and love in a new and improved plastic free packaging nice very organic very thoughtful very environment-friendly I could use some right now I got some BO cook and native smells great it looks great it feels great when

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and even unscented that's the mood you don't smell too dainty sometimes ready to try plastic free deodorant go to native do.com slash Tuesdays with stories one word or use promo code Tuesdays with stories at checkout and get 20% off your first order that's native deo.com slash Tuesdays with stories one word or use promo code Tuesdays with stories at checkout for 20% off your first order get on it folks and smell better so finally you show up to this and you know you're all banged up you know you're greasy the flights you dehydrated you got AIDS you know you finally get there you fall out of the van you give

the guy a 20 you go now I go check in and the sun is shining you're like Dracula you're like and you're like I just got to get upstairs get a shower a shit and a shave and regroup yes you get your feet on the ground yes feet so I go into check in now this is gonna sound derogatory but there's a guy in overalls okay no joke a guy in overalls and his son I assume and he's got like a Marilyn Manson shirt and and red you know those red pants men wear I've seen red pants I don't like them homeless pimp wears red pants love him don't care for the pants not a fan of the pants fancy pants so you got it overall I got

a red pant and I go here to check in you drop your credit card or your ID I'm trying to the check-in process needs to be updated it's a lot of I know what are you doing behind that glass well we've talked about before I wish there was a hat similar to this hat and it just said you know scuba boo some kind of secret word a little it just says hey I check into a hotel every fuckin week hand me a key with a number on it that's it I'll do the rest I'll find the pool I'll find the numbers I know elevators I know what I'm doing yeah I don't need a map of the town with all the cafes and brothels and Rubin Tugs

just give me to the room yeah no speech just a key thank you key master so I keys I'm checking in you're the ladies like all the way from New York whoa big city living 9-11 and I'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah keep it moving cozy so these guys the overall in the red pad are just staring at me and I'm like you know what I'm waiting for like you're not from around here are you boy I'm waiting for one of those right so I just see these guys and then they're just kind of like you know they're giddy they're like shaking and I go hey are you doing they're like we're coming to the show we're Tuesdays rainbows we're

Jews whatever I'm like oh hey all right so they go do you want to see the room and I'm like what do you mean they're like do you want to see the the room the showroom with Ramon yeah I was like okay we'll walk yeah so I'm like all right and these are nice cats you know but I'm all tweaked out you know I'm like I'm on no sleep I got drool here I got jizz in my ass and I walk so these guys are walking me through the casino I got a bag over my shoulder I look like hell but you know in a casino I'm I look like Elvis right to these respirators and and limps and camo hats so they're chatting hey we're coming to the show we

can't wait we've listened to you for years all right great great we get to the showroom it is a warehouse attached to the casino I'm talking 800 seats mile high ceiling I mean it looks like where WWF is you know it's like a big big place so I meet the two ladies and they're like okay you're gonna come out at eight o'clock do you have an opener here's your green room the other they're very nice and these the I got overall in red pants just staring there they're just regular gays yeah they're not running the thing or security or something no they just happen to be walking around waiting for the show and they saw me

checking in but they showed you the room they walked me to the room wow yeah paint gay walk into the room very nice gays and appreciate the help and so now I've seen the room and I go who's been here like you have you had any comics I expected to say we had a magician a hypnotist and carrot top and she goes we had Christia a month ago then we had Nikki Glaser then we had Ali Wong then we had I don't know and I was like wow you guys have big names here no kidding so I felt honored and then these guys are you want me to walk you back to the room and I'm like I got it so I leave them go up to the room you shit shower

and shave and then I go down and it's sold out there's a line around the fucking building because there's nothing to do there and what town is this cause a male Calusa yes never heard of it but you basically just go there fly in pick up a check tell a few jokes and fly right back wow a bucket gig they used to call that is that right in the old days you ever heard that I never heard that it was like in Judy Carter's book back in the 80s they said a bucket gig because it's as though you drive those is money in a bucket imagine there's a thousand bucks four hours now you drive up and get it yeah well it was show is just the

whatever it's all a drop in the bucket because I got that check and so I'm with this guy Caleb Lush funny guy opener I mean Sacramento he drove in and he he killed and he was like should we hit the tables and I'm like I gotta be honest with you I have a car picking me up at 415 to get to a 615 flight I'm calling it I'm already on no sleep we did a good gig and he was like I get it and he drove back to sack okay but show is great these crowds are so grateful you showed up right you know they love Rogan they love Tuesdays they love all this shit so they're like I do a Q&A at the end and one guy goes make fun of Mexicans and I

go well all right you'd look cute in a cage you know we got to build a wall around them and they're going nuts they're going for it the Mexicans are the best sense of humor yes Latino really very good audiences very good very good and these people come out they want to be zing do you know it's like a Rickles moment and so I'm saying I'm zanging and I go you guys are four foot nothing yours you're built like a like a Rubik's Cube what's going on there and this guy stands up he's sitting alone at a big table and he goes enough I'm like huh he's a crazy looking Mexican guy he's got a beard and then a

hat and he's like bitch I'm funnier than USA I'll take you I'll take you down and let me come up there tell some jokes you ain't funny and I go all right easy can we get ice on this guy you know I'm doing the whole thing and the Mexicans are going nuts and he's getting more angry oh my god he's like a Mexican farmer he doesn't know who I am so he's like what are you doing kids in cages build the wall fuck you so I get where he's coming from sure but I'm like sir do you understand these are jokes I have no problem with Mexicans he's like I got a problem with you say I'm coming up their homes it's gonna be curtains for you or

whatever the hell and I'm like can I stop you for a second is he saying you comma essay or is he saying USA genuine question you comma essay okay I thought you were saying USA like I got a problem with America you thought that too oh good good catch yeah now he was saying essay homes right that whole thing bro a lot of fool coming out of Mexican you know like what you got fool I feel like why he doesn't go with fool as much as Mexicans yeah I think that was mr. T I think when I was pretty well I pity the fool right and why do you say like in the the castle days like who I who is the fool who comes near me right so we

lost full black people picked it up now Mexicans are using food so they eventually grab him they grab this guy they're doing like the arms thing and he's wiggling you know and they they pull him out kicking and screaming and I just to know well I guess there's the border police you know and just going with it the whole time and the Mexicans love you gotta be careful because you know he could be he could be a bad ombre oh he was a bad ombre I mean he could he could beat the shit out of you yeah because if he's a you know he takes offense he could be he could live a hard life he could be one of these guys that's you

know kicks ass that's true that's true he could be an MS 13 year old I don't know but the show was great we got the hell out of there and I flew back yesterday and I was back to being wonky but I got eight hours of sleep but I'm fresh oh you're back you're fresh and I was bummed about the gig because you kept saying you around Friday record Friday you're gonna come to the party Friday we had the party because you were around but you had the gig but you had a good party yeah it was okay we had in the chat I want to look good for the party it was Friday and I thought it was a Saturday it feels casino feels Saturday

it should be Saturday yeah yeah yeah well thank you Calusa and sorry good job Calusa but yeah yeah what can you do Chuck and I were very sad well you had the party you got cakes you got Louie you got 500 bucks it was pretty good not coming to Queens are you just hit me with it you never even been to the home you gotta come to the home I've been at home I know but only to pick up to go for a ride you gotta come put your feet up come out back have a cigar Chuck's been in the home you but in the home yeah big home hang I'll pick you up and bring you there I'll give you a ride back yard baby what do you think with next UFC

fight Super Bowl big big fight big game yeah we can watch a movie whatever you want yeah well let's not go full game well you're in the car outside I don't yeah yeah I'm just pissing in my own mouth yeah yeah you hold the door but yeah all right that's come out bring the lady we're going to tour I want to be the Gatsby's we can be Gatsby's tour what tour of Queens you don't know Queens the way I do it could be Sarah you may Matt Damon and who's his wife does he have a wife I'm sure he's got a hot broad at home somebody a celebrity or he's got kids I know he's got kids yeah he's got kids

he's got a go he had project green light remember that a little bit he got canceled too yeah because he said I used to say oh before that even during the Me Too movie he's like well we need degrees of oh right right that was bad Cosby and then there's Louie or whatever what's going on he's got quite a wife oh yeah Lucy Anna Barrasso hey Lucy she's a quite a looker if I know Lucy like I think I do her May and Sarah will all be doing each other's pigtails you me and him will be you know fist fighting and fighting crime talking to us yeah we'll move the furniture out of the living room have a whole wrestling match let's do it Damien we can be friends with an Oscar winner

Jerry I'm friends with Meryl Streep that's not bad that's not bad hey I drew Barrymore now friend Lee that's not that's pretty good no Oscar but she showed her tits to Letterman oh that's right and and Spielberg Spielberg that's true that's true I'm friends with the Lucas brothers they were nominated that's not bad okay yeah there we go Sam is now shooting for them oh no kidding yeah he's in the mix yeah hey there's Sally I think he's shooting somebody's shot Ron on shot Ron on and then he's doing something he's got something coming up I'd like to shoot Ron on but why it's good to have you back what a crazy crazy trip I got one more nugget please how we're doing on uh El Taimo okay El Clowno so how about this so I gotta I get a

what do you call when they tag in a story on Instagram tag I got tagged in a story tag it I hope this isn't speaking out of anal here but uh this guy goes hey okay it's out there so this guy tags me he goes hey David Spade oh boy has a new special out and he did one of your jokes verbatim oh and I was like here we go with the joke thieving and I don't like getting in the middle of all the drama and the hadle hadle anal whatever it's it's annoying yes cradle so it's uh this guy's like hey here's the joke and he wrote it out and he's like you know the dialogue of the joke and I'm like wow that is exactly my joke so you're like ah then you start brewing you're like maybe this either could he have stolen no well he's not a thief he's not that guy and I like spade and I like

his stand up sure funny guy and plus it's cool you grow up watching Tommy boy and SNL and Black Sheep so it's exciting and uh I go huh how about that hey you just start pondering but I forget about it two days later I'm in Calusa half drunk trying to go to bed for my four o'clock pickup and I got a boop dm David spade whoa spades daemon garfield we're rubbing elbows who are we we're like TMZ over here I mean Garfield I just kind of saw on the street randomly but whatever we'll take it we'll take it we're like at a vanity fair party Drew Barrymore over there Barrymore yes good all right so uh I go what oh my god and it's a it's a voice memo which is always kind of cool weird that means he's talking it's even cooler it's anybody his publicist can write it

he writes he's talking to me Jerry yeah we're just taking reservations but uh so I go whoo and I really buckle up to listen to this I make the bed I close the door I turn the lights down I'm like oh I'm gonna listen to this it's two in the morning I'm on the edge of my asshole let's go shove it up there I want to listen I'll let you listen it's like my friend's tits I'm like here look she sent me a photo well I'll listen eventually but right now okay shit it on my tits I can't believe I almost forgot this so I'm like oh baby I turned the TV off I you know I take the phone off the hook and I go spade and daemon this is crazy spade man they know you yes so I go hit that play button you know and it's like hey mark spade here everybody everybody

tells me you're a great comic I hope you know I didn't steal the joke uh I'm a fan of your work we have a lot of friends in common hope you're cool hope we're cool then he said something funny I can't remember now shit was it yours he said something good I can't remember shit I'll let you listen maybe we should play it on on the page yeah page jump on the page yeah voice mails from celebrities you play a david spade I'll play an Andrew Garfield if you have Garfield's number text it to me please and uh so he said something funny he's like all right I hope we're cool uh see you next time you're in LA maybe whatever and I'm like so then I gotta write back obviously you don't voicemail back no maybe I should have voicemail

back I don't know how to work that shit me either I would have flown it I would have the n word I would have fucked it up yeah so now he's got me saying the n word on tape so I just wrote back but then you don't want to be you don't want to blow them too much you want to go I'm a huge fan but it is a mensch move to do that he's a big celeb I'm a nobody he could just go oh this guy thinks I stole a fuck this douche who cares about him he's worthless you know what is he know Matt Damon I doubt it well you are a player by the way I will say that player for sure if it was if you had 8 000 followers and it was a youtube special with 400 views so let's not act like whatever he knows you're on the up you know Matt Damon yeah Damon's

going to see you you're not nothing Damon's friend I mean if uh if I know but he brought Damon once he brings Damon Damon is now coming to see you well I still would rather Seinfeld call me back but that's either here nor there but my point is I think it's nice but let's not go blowing them too much and hey I love spay one of the funniest guys all time sure but I think if Ronon does a bit and spay does he ain't calling stupid Ronon oh really I should have said stupid he's the smartest guy I know he's so sweet he's adorable very funny he's subscribed to his youtube good special uh yeah yeah all right well here's the clinker click spade is cool with he's like that with timmy dillon no kidding oh they're tight they're tight and glazer by the way wow yeah so I mean if you watch

lights out which was his old comedy central show tim dillon had a segment he would do the news remember that I should start following peers it'd be nice no idea you don't even follow me I follow all right I'm all over Matt Damon yes yes friend I watch the Netflix all right informant so uh I write back something a little a little too swarm I re because I was drunk so you know you get all wispy and emotional but I uh I wrote back like a nice chunk and it said scene a little bit nice to get a little heart or a favorite or a gotcha or we're cool but whatever he's busy I get it Farley's dead and uh so that was it but pretty exciting pretty exciting a little nugget there that's quite a thrill it's very exciting and how nice that so many people were like hey that's

Norman for sure like obviously somebody notified and plenty of people notified yeah right it's fascinating the the antenna for joke stealing goes up with these these knuckleheads out there they love calling people out for joke stealing they love that drama but they should know that and I I think with this all the time jokes the first thing that you think shouldn't be joke thief yes first thing you think should think is like oh they might have come up with something similar yeah like the idea that like David spade is just stealing jokes from comedians who are doing well if it's a lesser comp like maybe I guess but then they're like how did they find that like yeah David spade is not just like oh this guy has a 300 000 followers I'll do one of his bits

exactly exactly like Mencia did a blatant Cosby joke which is it's more realistic that he stole that because it's a Bill Cosby joke that everybody knows and he's a giant so you can just take from Cosby right you know what it's really taking from a mid-level guy I don't think yeah I don't think I don't think it says uh probably especially celebrities now it's like you can't do that much because people everyone watching right exactly so that was my two cents plus the special I did that joke on nobody watched so it'd be weird if he was the one guy to watch it right but pretty cool it's also crazy that the internet it can reach you like somebody wrote a story tagged him tagged me and he was like oh what's this right that's crazy some some rando in the middle of Cleveland

tagged him and he was like shit he caught it so that's the internet for you good and bad but pretty cool pretty cool getting uh and now I haven't in with him so now I see him at the holiday party with Harvey Weinstein and I can go up and go hey remember that joke yeah that's pretty cool yeah you're that guy by many accounts by the way one of the funniest guys ever to hang out with that's what I hear Colin says he's just unbelievable he said spade and sandler together it's like you can't believe it right I heard norm too he gets spade and norm together right hot hot ticket yeah well that's a tough tough get together nowadays nowadays it's really much impossible but yeah it's so sad that norm died but particularly when it's like

time to release the special because you're like ah that was a big tweet oh I didn't think about that I missed that tweet yeah he was a fan of the listing yeah he would have tweeted the king the funniest guy to be yeah that's all that matters I could use that tweet it'd be nice yeah if only in croaked well what can you do damn could have gotten a tweet yeah all right well that's that where are we at there Chuckie 55 55 I can't drive I gotta take a boom boom like a black kid on a Thursday I know what we gotta get out of here it's 72 degrees and sunny it's like spectacular out there and it's a beautiful day perfect day we're coming back tomorrow to record more you got that right and by this is just a good time to be a Tuesday exciting stuff we got all

this shit cooking and swirling and swerving push the hot gay sets new one hot gay sets is out grand new one up there great app killed episode nine of hot gay set wow wow episode 10 should be out by Christmas 2025 we've done nine in uh in 11 months that's pretty good okay nine and 11 months yeah right yeah you fucking come at me all the time but we do a lot of shit is that right I sort of nine and 11 months I didn't start working for you until last April and it's April now so when do we even shoot the first hot guy wow that's exciting yeah we got some live apps in there we got some random bonus stuff in there the hot gay sets it's totals over four hours of documentary stuff on the page well I am sorry for busting your balls about the two videos you shot four and

seven months ago that still aren't edited that is my bad seven months ago is there I think so I think one is it was warm out it was like September no it was it was after that it was after the hot gay sets it was after the last hot gay sets it's cool it's going to come out soon that's the next one PS 1092 PS 109 by the way we're back at PS 109 this Friday come hang and shoot it if we want to release something in a couple years that's a last one I did was Louis T.J. Miller Soder it was a killer that was the one we filmed it's coming it's coming it's coming so it's Christmas check out check out the new hot gay sets though people loving it people really like people love the netflix one which is the last one yeah and this one is like the opposite side of the point it's a

4am tire change episode it's a show in a hotel and we pop a tire for the morning yeah it's it's we're slumming it you got to get out there get on there and then we've been recording a new one every week here on this we got the zoom one which was hot we got more coming we're shooting some more tomorrow Chuck is on it Chuck is the best we're very grateful for Chuck his fake back injury is healed how many people are like like I was talking to like someone that we all know last night and they're like hey like does this really hate you I don't think so no he's like I tried to talk to Mark about it and Mark wouldn't give me a straight answer oh jeez I like to leave it out there leave it uh glooming I love you I love your work when you do it it's just fantastic very good

work yeah every once in a while you know you're like Terrence Malick you know what I mean it's like you take a 15 year break and then when it comes out it's a little overrated it's like Chris Rock you know you have great stuff but it takes 12 years to get another one yeah and I might hopefully you know you present an Oscar at some point uh but don't get slapped uh but no you're the best Chuck's the best we got Chuck on the ones and twos and six and nines and he's just if you want to fuck Chuck send him a message for God's sakes this man is uh an Adonis evidently you got to be careful though I've had women send me messages like look what Chuck wrote to me I'm like ah don't don't bring me into this oh jeez is best I said hey he'll bring your banana bread if you fuck him so

oh by the way a lady who shall remain nameless she was like I heard you talking about breasts on tuesdays oh my lord save she sent me a couple of the the rubbing yes holy I rubbed one out after it was wild wild premo premo deez premo and it was like a 60 second video I mean it is the time to beat is 60 seconds this was like I beat it I mean my christ on christmas but this friday we're back at ps 109 thank you around this weekend what do you do no i'm at the netflix fest or whatever the oh right right well thanks for not saying you are and then not being but anyways this friday night just kidding i just want to make chuck feel better i hate both of you i'm gay and uh but anyways this friday night we're back at ps 109 it's going to be a hell of a lineup i'm

sure we haven't booked anybody but the tickets are already sold so it's going to be great ps 109 and then austin is getting i don't know why this club is not telling anybody i still got people being like i'm so pumped for austin i don't know why they're not emailing it got moved it's going to be in the winter now the club wasn't open it wasn't me but then i'm going to wilson north carolina on the 12th raleigh what the hell is it wilson that's the one i'm doing because of you you did it they sent me photos of you doing it oh that's a tough one they said no mark loved it you can ask mark that's a tough one they had to like ask mark it's the best that's on the 11th 12 13 14 good nights in raleigh

i love that place gig harbor on the 30th may 30th and then uh london may 19 just announced those are real quick they're already snipping up snapping up are we doing a set in london i don't know we got to work it out i don't know when you're there we're there at different you're there towards the end of my trip but let's do a live pod if we please if somebody can give us a goddamn venue we can do it we'll do a live pod i don't know what day but uh we'll both be in london and we'll have so much to talk about we can talk about the london the fish out of water the the pickadilly the big ben all that stuff and then teams the queen let me just throw this out there too june is big san francisco the magoobies in baltimore then the

atlanta punchline nice that's back to back to back to back june 9th through the 11th san francisco magoobies 16 through 18 atlanta 24 25 big month word on the street is you got a new act already i got a new act already so watch the special go see it uh well it's not exactly tight i wouldn't say but it's pretty there's some there's some good chunks in there and uh my father's gay georgia saying cut it where are you all right i'm all over the road baby uh when's this come out in two weeks i'm at the addison improv in dallas i love that club i love that room come on by then brick town okc good club good town then i'm in london with the fat man huntsville alabama stand up live i heard that's a big room so please for the love of god poppin magoobies in baltimore as well the

vic in chicago doing the berkreicher tour ervine improv in la that's a big room houston improv i'm doing lafayette one night only wow that's in uh july so get tickets to that that'll that'll move baby i love jason lennard show out there you did that one he's great i did it i loved it i mean i had a psychotic new orleans heckler oh right right i forgot about that i'm mad about the saints yes yes well they're marching in and then we got lexington and san antonio all kinds of fun stuff cleveland agora theater that's not moving at all red bank new jersey at the vogal and then a palm beach impromptu florida so uh say hello go gay queef it up blow your dad we love you we're gay chuck's fat fuck your dad hey hey he's in chuck oh sorry chucks great bringing banana bread

fantastic and we love you chuckie and uh we miss you shelby but uh yeah thank you mad daemon thank you david spade and we'll see you on the red carpet