Tuesdays with Stories! - #451 Wheel People

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

It's a rollicking Tuesdays as Joe is still high off the continuing success of his new special and Mark is getting ready to head to the Netflix Is a Joke Festival in LA. Joe talks about his time at Patriots' Day in Boston, and the boys wonder about what's in their foggy future as they head to London! Sponsors: - Support the show and get 20% off your first order by visiting https://NativeDeo.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show and get 20% Off with the code TUESDAYS at https://Lucy.co - Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code TUESDAYS at https://Fanimal.com - Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at https://SheathUnderwear.com Subscribe to our Patreon for WEEKLY bonus episodes and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing here we are studio we we came in late it's 538 because wow seadog was late he got no offender bender but suppose evidently supposedly no photos no no

yes I want to see the police report it's always something I can tell you her name you fucking are already I know yeah you sent me enough women's names my god Chuck it's not his back it's a bike race if it's not a bike race it's a disc if it's not a disc it's a fucking it's a bumper who knows what that's the first time he had a lady from the back yeah but yeah we're working on it show me was like Cal Ripken every day he was out here with the injuries yep yep the phone call I was in a car wreck and I'm fine nothing's wrong with my car but they didn't even have a car he walked everywhere he left at 8 a.m. he got here at

5 p.m. it all worked out it just slide home on his big lips I mean not that right no problem CSL ever Cal Ripen he's a picture I'm more of a catcher hey all right well hey good to have you glad you're okay glad you're fucking that lady you're rear-ended yeah here we are but he has what I'm saying is it's five-ish and hopefully the the office queefs and the suits and the business men they're back home with their wives in Long Island yes I agree there's one guy with his door open and we were just discussing it feels you can't complain about the sound if your door is open you got that right you're asking for it's

like a short skirt his door is always open now let me ask you this just to go back for a moment who do you think is better at making up stories for why they're late on the fly you were Chuck because I feel like you're two of the greats all time well two of the all-time greats yeah you're actually not great which I always thought was surprising because you do it a lot haha but you're not good I'm a terrible fucking liar I'm a terrible I bought the I bought the bender the bender I buy that's real right I just looked at her name is your name geez bleep that she's a senator of Iowa she doesn't want that out there

for making putting her name teacher you just put your name into one of those come up with a name things so wait what was what about my late the lies are no good well I mean the first time I remember is is you driving with with me with your your girlfriend the time you like this five of us in the car yeah taking turns driving yeah I see a big she-to-ice up ahead she bought that took line and I think clinker I think she might have been a dodo if she bought that I see ice you're doing eight miles an hour why would we switch seats the whole thing was insane you got to remember if you want to believe it you're more likely to

believe I think she wanted to believe it I think Hitler said that the bigger the more people believe it is that right yeah so you know he had some ideas oh yeah well he got shit done I'll give him that but I will say I think a lie is almost like a comedy joke where if you go hard it's you buy it more meaning if you tiptoe around maybe black folk it's it's gonna get you some pushback but if you go all in and call them the n-word and say horrible things they go alright he's being silly right Kramer taught me that yeah I'm not sure I gotta ask the question your police work there but you know I don't know about them with the

blacks but yeah but no yeah I think if you I mean obviously you go big car accident not too big right it's believable but we bought it yes but you know it's another good lie trick lie and make it embarrassing for you and they believe it because they go oh he must be telling the truth why would he let us know his dick is small yeah are you go just a mat you go home it's just I can't even get into it it's crazy sure it's just too much going on it's not even worth telling you and people go all right right kind of like the feminine like teacher I have to go to the bad nobody's going the bathroom well it's a feminine

need they go oh I use that one a few times but here's where you guys are bad hmm there's too many you can only if you get like if you did one a year yeah like okay I got you but Chuck he's like I have back surgery the next day you know woman the next night like race right bike do you believe the bike race the bike race I believe I saw the bike the rest is made up the disc you're hopping around like a maniac I know I shouldn't I shouldn't have started being more gymnastic at the same time as I had the back you're like leaning in like yeah you're pretty comfortable over there for a back nut yeah all right well we're

glad you're here you're queer you didn't die I hope that fender better didn't hurt your back I know that could have been bad when you get whiplash it was absolutely nothing to me all right the person should have been like no problem and we should have both taken off yeah well it was 44 minutes and nothing but we're here we're live a little late oh boy all pipes now what are you going with next week what do you think bunions what are you taking a Ukraine maybe a Russian bombing there's gonna nukes that nylon something's gonna happen yeah who knows get to work on it

now maybe you guys can come up with something all right we'll put our head dumb heads together and we'll figure out a maybe sickle cell who knows we'll get something cooking the truth will set you free but we're here chucks on the ones and twos as you know you know you love them mm-hmm we're back for another Tuesdays with story here here we're just going strong I mean we're in here in an hour every week for what 10 years almost wow nine coming up on nine years nine years wow we almost are hitting puberty soon nine is a good year yeah nine lives nine nine nine nine o'clock nine inches nine niners all right two

more years we can legally fucking adult yes 11 yeah I think so right maybe in Jersey that's right I have that right I believe so yeah something like that tell that the Jared Fogle that's a great gillis bit the bit we had to go first like I really think Rhode Island he's like I don't know 15 they're like Jesus he's like well what were you gonna say first a great bit great bit very funny comedian I think he opened his special with that oh is that right yeah cuz he did that he did a cool thing with his shanggill special where he did like a a bit and then then it started so then he went back to the

special so he showed you a bit then he did a little intro little intro then he went back to the special that's smart that's fun it was fun it was a nice little trick that's a good trick and it's doing quite well on the YouTube's as is yours I think have we hit too hundo at the time of recording this we're close by the time you're hearing this I would hope it 200,000 because well yeah but yeah it's still going strong it's cooking it's queefing I want to thank all the twosgays who are just right on it I mean like we talked about it last week but I mean 4,000 people in the chat all kinds of donations and everyone's

spreading the word spreading their butt cheeks it's a beautiful thing it feels like a community it feels like a family the twosgays they rally they you can see them on the chat rooms they're going hey it's tonight 9 30 get your peanut butter get your toast we are doing it fatty yeah and your dog to look it up but it's been fantastic I just feel touched but then you have the stress come in then it starts to slow and then you're like I gotta do this podcast I gotta try to get on that show I gotta get on this show and we've been talking about I'm tired of doing all the shows that's a nightmare you just want to do stand-up I want to

write and do stand-up and talk to you for an hour a week but you gotta do this you gotta do that you gotta email the reels the the queefs I'm having a hard time cuz I agree with you and I'm having a hard time deciding I feel like I'm writing less material than I used to and is that because of all the extra shit we have to do or is that because I'm lazier now or is that because I'm gay well what do you think it is is it a combination amalgam it's a combination I think first of all you become less desperate ah something I was thinking about this the other day somebody is I posted some clip and some guys like dude

you seem desperate and I'm like I am desperate I'm like I'm putting everything I have into this job yeah this is my livelihood anything I like I spent $25,000 on a sign and 300 bucks in the rest of the production right it's very difficult I'm all in on this thing I got a wife eventually have to retire your popularity is brief fleeting there's young people coming up behind us yeah rear-ending and I always think of Springsteen my my god my idol my hero he had a show you know he's played these four-hour shows and that's how he made it the live and the thing is that right and he's sitting there and he's just

completely exhausted I mean you got to watch one of these old shows you can't earn the energy and someone's interviewing you how do you play that long that hard for that amount of time without much energy he said I don't know I guess it's just desperation there you go the hunger Jerry I mean it's real like you can see it well that's why these comedians their first second album is always bananas lights out killer lunch because they need it I remember writing out to lunch literally and being like this isn't hitting this line has to hit if it doesn't hit I'll kill myself and then of course nobody bought it and had

to go on YouTube and it was a failure and all that but I don't work as hard as I did then and I think you're right it's the hunger well another thing that becomes hard as you sell tickets is they're there to see they're excited to laugh so they're like all right yes that this that I mean I watched Louis have this 20 years ago at the creek or 10 years ago whatever it was the creek at the creek he's popped in and he goes and the cave okay and he goes you know something I don't know that doesn't make sense so I fucked my mother and the ass until she came the crowd was like no no no that's not good I didn't have

that's not the joke right but they start to laugh and love you every more the first hour or two you're building in front of some fans but mostly strangers that's why it becomes hard yeah you got to go find you got to go to like you know Bumble Dick Montana yeah what's there what play in Peoria which is where Richard Pryor and kinesin are from I didn't know kinesin was yeah and that while the two of the greats are from this one little drinky dink come guzzling town no kidding something something there can't mess juice it's Ira proctor Mike Favreau Bill Burr those other two aren't quite as good no Favreau did he do

iron man thank you thank you Favreau he's from Queens that's right is that right I believe it is I try to know where he's from give me a celebrity he wears he has the Queens College on in swingers is that right yeah well I think that was a little autobiography little homage yes did he ever do stand up though now hopefully not too many people do and stand up kill yourself quit yeah flushing I put an Asian joke on my Insta today a clip I mean a Korean lady went at it and she was a fan and she's cool we took a photo after but all you see is the Asian joke so I got a couple of you know Koreans DMing me oh

interesting yeah well one guy wrote it like hey this is a little much like I'm a fan but geez you're better than this and I DMed him I was like hey I didn't mean to upset you I was clearly it was like the thing I said before I was going all in I was being ridiculous and he was like I appreciate that and he took his comment down no kid discussion yes exactly yeah he said it so yeah discussion is key and it was a beautiful thing and now we're tighter quoting Seinfeld for God's sake I know the tits I you know I don't be out of the tits coming on them the Rhines are crossed whoa whoa easy from Seinfeld

by the way Chuck looks he's gonna fight me he's just staring at me my hand is still shaking but I did accident wasn't anything yeah the adrenaline thing still darling wow try some straw breathing yeah you know what the straw breeds what's that you do some strawberry I know that's all they hurt turtles strawberry that's when you breathe in the nose and then you do a longer exhale out the mouth as though there's a straw like a small circle which is how I breathe always and it it will lower your heart rate in just a few moments I do that was sleeping when I can't sleep I do the they say I do a

double intake oh interesting that's Andrew Huberman I don't know Huberman but you want to be breathing in through your nose I read a whole book on that one sometimes I got a nose clog we got we got a kick into gear because I did this is both a bonus I mean Chuck's giving us hand signals if you ever give me hand signals I already said it you're the guy you're the guy that you like you say something and then some person says I'm like that's what I just said sure with it like you like this we gotta crank up the energy the guys like yeah the energy is low and I'm like I already acknowledge that I know I feel the same

way with you know what I mean like yeah yeah I already said I do you know that you go hey the walls blue and you go yeah it is you know what I mean yeah yeah we did this I said that we're beating I can't validate you twice it's too much you know my wife yeah that's why I said hello anyway let's get it up I got my feet up you know it is we're gonna write more material we suck we're horrible now but anyways the comedy now it's all pipes and podcasts and bonuses and patreons and reels and clips and my father's gay so much shit that's not stand-up and here's the clinker one they go when's the next special where's the

special what's next you're like well I'm doing all this and then they go hey the podcast was a minute late kill yourself and you're like so now I gotta have a special and the podcast a minute late so you hate me but you love the pod but you hate us but you hate that's late it's too much I know I know it's just it's hard and I'm gonna shoot myself in the tits at some point but I'm also sure they love the complaining about it yeah it's all fun but anyways we're here we're queer it's live we're at the lunch stuff what's not even what do we call this one lunch stuff to my be dinner at lunch stuff north lunch there we go LSN lunch stuff

goo I mean this is and this is temporary folks here because we got a lawyer and accountant and I can't even think of a third job but they're all here bye so we're here we're happy we're excited yeah it's late in the day hopefully the queeps have gone home and leave us alone because we have a noise complaint in the works this queeps in here and kooks out there I'm so nervous with the kooks I've been avoiding the train I gotta get on the train I've been running into the city it's quite delightful at least you're getting some exercise there I'm fit as a drum you run into the city then you see a kook and you run out I saw a kook the

other day shirtless dusty a lot of dust on these guys shirtless dusty with the shorts just crazy shit stains and everything you know horrible stains standing there against the wall and somebody walk by to go and then we go Jesus Christ and then he would just do it again he that was his whole day there's a guy that lives in Key West that's his thing he left yeah he's got two big ferns like Ace Ventura and he just jumps out and then goes oh my god and he goes back in there and I think he's gonna get killed because when people jump at me I like kick like a horse I get scared do you ever see those videos of like a

guy will pop out of a garbage can and it looks like obviously a high school and everybody goes whoa then you do with the black guy like it's every time it's a great video my buddy my buddy Derek had a years ago this is like pre-internet I guess the internet was out but it was it was gay or whatever sure this is a King's Point Merchant Marine Academy and there was this guy Steve Mernicke real nut classic Nicky couple there's a M and an R in front of it Mernicke oh it's Mr. Nicky yeah it's like Sabarro we're just weird concepts in front of each other how do you say that it's borrow the borrow that took me eight years to

learn yeah some people say Sabarro yeah right I don't like those words just let make it like knife just silent or not knife knife yes my dad always said connife though that was like his bit yeah he's funny guy all right yeah he was silly I'd read read tool that one and then I'd always be I'll retool you movie I'll retool you retooling I'll retool you Brian Doyle Murray a caddy shack Christmas vacation I'll retool pick up that blood there you go by Brian Doyle Murray fantastic funny guy funny family Bill Murray he's what is he raping people he pulled a ponytail ponytail he's

always on the lamb they're coming after we moved to Mexico he's freaking out I tell you I knew it was gonna happen did I tell you my predict yes you told me the thing the lady I said this already you did you're a Nick anyways Steve Bernickie he was a nutcase he drove my car a few times you don't when you drank but you know my drinking drive so you gave the keys to somebody else who was just as drunk stored my life I was the guy who got the keys ah I'm the best drunk driver I could like I got a merit badge in it well I just never wanted to get a rest I wasn't afraid of dying I was afraid of getting

arrested right you drive and I'll sit over here I wanted to die but anyways so Bernickie they're all pipes they were they in the hallway they had a camcorder old-school you know or oh well I don't know maybe 9-11 but they had a kid hide in a box and hit sit in the box and then it jump out and scare all the plebs okay that's the freshman jump out of their shoes and run in their little gay outfits but the Steve Bernickie somebody tried it with him and nobody gave the warning to this other kid that yeah so he pops out of the thing and he just punched kids through a crazy combo beat

the shit out of the kid and the box they bought he looked like Ace from Turl when he comes through the box oh yeah with the tutu bloody nose black eye tutu the box is like there was duct tape wasn't even there before I mean and the kid he just and he kept walking it was one of those guys he was like whoa and then keeps walking the kids like I'm sorry oh my god a hundred percent Renickie was beaten as a child oh yeah I suck his mother's dick or something something happened there that guy knows how to beat up a box good for him hey folks Tuesday stories is brought to you by native you've heard us talk about our love for

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come with the guns and the bullshit and the horses march in what's this you know the military in England yeah it's like a ceremony oh I see it's a merchant marine account every once in a while the senator comes or whatever the sure you got to shoot him on a horse you got to come in with some horses right it's a celebration horses are always part of the shit yeah president dies horses come yes yes I hate when a horse comes it hurts but yeah I know what you mean it's it is weird with and the horses are like I don't know what's happening I know and then inauguration you have to have a horse all the stuff parades they have

horses these poor horses are getting dragged in the shit they don't even understand what about sometimes you don't even put your foot in the stirrup and swing it sometimes they come up from behind and do like the the leapfrog you ever see that no no leap you ever seen it with a horse video yeah yeah like a cowboy runs up he runs up from behind oh that's the coolest move of all time that is the cool good in your ball sack hits right on that that hump on the on the saddle saddle hump the saddle hump that is not at hump is no joke no my wife's got saddle humps and then I hope you're jumping on it good lord I feel like the

horse is sitting there eating curds and way and all of a sudden he's like I get I wonder if there's a horse out there like you got to come to the gay pride parade he's like I'm putting my hoof down I'm not going to that I ain't okay horse well I could kick and fuck I mean I think they rate they must rape right horses yeah yeah I think animals have to rape or they die not died they the species would die out right but they must also some of them want to fuck some of them do sure but I think a lot of them I'm a race to live in this neighborhood now I'd hear like and I'm like that cat's getting tooled in the

re-tooled in the in the cooter you know mr. Ed he couldn't get boners that's right got the name mr. Ed hi folks how we doing see you all in hell how's everybody doing all right just get right to the story please sorry Riddick you know it's one of these things they come in with the 21 gun salute and the three horse asshole sure come in they do a ceremony have to sing so one of the horses of course being a horse of course of course he takes a huge shit just a mound of horses that's what they do manure yeah he's been eating you know hay and grass and pussy yeah there's a big pile of shit with pubes in it and

everybody all the people are marching and they got to go around it and this Bernicki guy he's in a mood he doesn't give a shit so he walks up in information he's in his dress whites his shoes you got to shine them if you don't see your face they beat you right right and he jumps up in the air two feet and just smashes down on the pile of horseshit it sprays everywhere all up on his boots his whole uniform this guy's got some problems go straight to class and now he's in class I'm driving the bus you know civics class I have no idea what civics is by the way no idea he's sitting in civics he's got shit

everywhere Honda it's a classic okay wow what a psycho who is this guy what's he doing now I'm scared he's gonna come to my house and beat me he's not I think he was from Maryland I really bonded with him because he was a real nut but he was really sweet had really listen and drive my car around I think he was sober at the time I don't know if he still he sounds like a like a kook if you ask me but he does does sound fun I mean this guy's living on the edge who steps in poop purposely well I think you're tired of the school because you're working for the man everything but why do you join up well you have to have opportunities you

want to say because these guys once they've graduated they sail they make like 90,000 bucks a month and they see the world they see the world and then you can come in charge and all of a sudden you're like you're driving the bus yeah you know what's interesting is I'll go to some small town just in Calusa California I did a casino gig out there not bragging and you see these people and their farmers they're wearing overalls and you're like you're the guys who go to war this is the guy we're all twinkie city queeps you know my coffee is too too cold or whatever the train is late that guy's jerking off but these

guys they deal with shotguns they have boots on they have overalls facial hair these are men Jerry they're men they really manned it up but it was fun I mean I always went I'd like to be a sailor if I could live another life you have this as you get older now a midlife crisis I'm old I'm gay now I think like that sucks you only get one life because I'm like I would have liked to have you know pursued a career in baseball you know a color play-by-play deep till after the good the good news is the life is long and you see these guys they get into shit real late in life you know these these Larry Davids or whatever

like I'm gonna sell cars right you know he's 75 I mean it's a show premise but I think you can do that yeah I guess I mean sailing is tough I guess I could go to sail I could go to Maine I mean it physically I could do it but it's hard to get in a big job shortage so maybe I could well you don't join the Navy though now you're on the poop deck and the high seas at the USSR or whatever yes so you don't want to do that but sailing you can pick up a boat you wax it you sand it you got a sail out there you're a nautical the starboard bow you're in starboard yeah it's starboard to the right ports to the left I wonder I've

because you think this the Navy is known as being gay that's like a big yeah that's the old thing stereotype yeah and I think it's because a you're on the high seas with dudes all day sure that's the main thing you're young you're horny and you're away from everybody no one can see you scream right the sail away it's similar to flight attendants huh they gave you never heard that no oh that's like the oldest premise in the book what do you mean it's a very gay you never noticed every male flight attendants gay oh I've seen the gays but what does that have to do with the high seas in the skies oh so you know the

stereotype that flight attendants are gay sure I've seen them well it's similar in that they're flying around they don't want to be home okay I'm off to this place I'm off to that they're running they're running from their dad this is in the old days now it's people are quite accepting of the gays but they're still gay on those those jet blues and virgins oh yeah yeah they're there I see every every dude on there is a homosexual oh boy well I'm not saying everyone but I'd say 90% of the male flight attendants are homosexual right that's what I thought you never heard of no I heard of that but the sailing the

sailing and the flying is similar one's sailing away one's flying away but I don't think people are boning on the flights I think they're boning on the boats now I don't think they're boning on the boats maybe in the 40s I think so I mean they got musicals on those things they got a mop a deck a dick I think the majority of Navy guys are not actually gay like the the flight attendant that's a stereotype because it's true yeah the Navy is an old stereotype it's a husband's tail the white they wear white it's tight they have bell bottoms right right there was all the musicals anchors away yes anchors again exactly and I

think they drink a little bit but I think you get your bunker you're sleeping with a you're bunking with a young chap from Iowa where's the flight attendant there that's a four-hour flight they go home and they get laid I think they go in the hotel but I'm telling you these these sailors by the way not the most accepting group I don't think oh really I think these sailors they're out at sea going about these fucking you know what this is not a politically correct situation out there when you're on the pirates yeah they're pirates where you're on the black sea that's the only black thing about it you know they're not

really dealing in the I think you have no rules you're on the water right you're in a uncharted uncharted waters you can say anything I mean call in if you're a gay sailor but it's a great line in Jaws by the way I'm not talking about pleasure cruising a gay sailing yes we're gonna need a bigger dick so I think I think sailors were gay I also think that was considered a gay four at some point but so manly but gays are mainly they're hairy forearmed they're taking it up the poop I took theater as a kid because I like theater but I was the straight guy I cleaned up but how many gay kids did you have in high school

well nobody was out when I was you know right when we were banging nobody was gay nobody except us but we had a guy Patrick who was super gay only a girlfriend he was very dainty he was very hello he was fabulous you know and everybody knew but we were cool nobody hated them sure if it was really gay you didn't call him gay if it was you I call you gay right that's kind of how it went back then here mirror movement of the door slam easy that's kind of how you can tell like I'll call you fatty sure but I won't call Ralphie Mae fatty I mean he's dead but you know what I'm saying yeah I won't call him at all no he won't

answer but yeah that's my point is you can kind of tell what's what by what you won't say right that's kind of like retarded you know because I'm a down syndrome retarded no but I call you retarded yeah yes that's a little retarded mm-hmm kid I have a bit about that is retarded back oh can we say retarded retarded is out big time you sure I'm sure I think it's coming back like baggy jeans I don't think so now because I mean I do a joke about the word retarded and people people call people get upset I had a guy a fan oh really Jason Katz the director is calling he's walking his dog that's

scary to me he's a sailor I know I get so anxious cuz everybody's like you have to do this now how come you haven't done this well I feel so stupid with the industry people like have you got the Johnson Rod I'm like I don't know the Johnson be have you done the shoe boo boo the industry's out you're doing it you're making waves you're making moves but he's not industry he's like alternative he's the director he's like yeah they took over my YouTube thank Christ on Christmas yes I would have 11 views at this point it's a lot of work it's a whole thing that we don't understand we write jokes now it's like

the Mitch Hedberg joke can you farm it's exactly I'm so stressed out no farming don't know how to farm farm it out I say big pharma is there any I usually go on an airplane mode is anything more stressful than recording a podcast and you have someone texting and calling you can see it go of course of course that this is why Elon Musk to me is so fascinating and why I think a lot of people hate him and love him and all that look what it can you imagine what he must be dealing with you put on a special you're like I gotta tweet this I gotta do eight pockets I gotta blow this guy I gotta go on a flight attendant

and suck him off on the air but Elon Musk is buying Twitter he gets a assload of hate all day long he doesn't think about it he's building spaceships he's going to Mars he's got a truck cyber truck he's got PayPal he's African-American it's a lot yeah I think he has assistance it's just built differently mentally differently I'm just like I'm able to handle three things at a time and you're just like when am I gonna write I want to tell jokes I want to hang out with my niece my nephew my buddies and Sarah the whole thing and it's just it's very stressful but nobody wants to hear there's their roofers out

there they're plumber they work in HVAC I'm sorry I'm gay I hate myself I did a gig in Fort Wayne I had a guy like man we listen to you on the truck on the forklift and I was like oh wow like that is the real deal job blue collar this guy is a an American guy with a job and and everybody else sits around like jet-blue minting what it used to be or whatever and it hit home Jerry well it's very hard for everybody everybody's fighting a battle when you bump into people you should think boy they've had I mean a truck was in a car accident today for God's allegedly yeah a very small petite car accident well he's doing a

good job of faking the handshake but let me tell you a little bit about because this happened nine months ago we never got to it because it's everything's been so crazy pregnant I was up in Boston Patriots Day as you know I love the Patriots Day go to the marathon you're in New England or my my brother's wife was running in it for that when the bombing happened like there my whole family was like they knocked out all the cell phones they couldn't communicate with each other wow I was a survivor I wasn't there that day it was crazy cuz I knew my family was there and I was at a Best Buy and I saw on the TV the

Boston bombing happened and I couldn't talk to any of them wow it's amazing how quick you come up with a lie I just I can't believe it I know I mean that is wild no that's crazy I'm glad they're okay they're okay yeah they were all fine she finished like before it happened thank God I feel for I mean obviously this is one of those things you say this I feel for the people that didn't get to finish who go that's who you feel for and I'm like well I first and foremost the people that died and got hurt obviously I thought that goes without saying I know I hate the the fact that you can't be feel for two

things I know and also it literally it literally goes without saying I like people think you're like I feel bad for the people that have flew in from wherever and had trained for this big day and they got to run 23 miles they had to stop and they go like that's who you feel bad for I'm like you know you think I don't feel bad for the people that died for their families that's what you think that's my statement we could do that all day oh these poor people in Ukraine they're getting heads blown off you don't care about Africa well can I care about both I just said one thing what about the Asians what about the kids

making cell phones you don't feel for them fuck you and I didn't read about that just now I just read about you crazy I don't feel bad for I only have so much bandwidth to feel bad for people anyways wind up there and now the Patriots Day you know how much it means to me I talk about it every year it's the best day I just can't describe it it feel and I'm sure you have this with Mardi Gras or the other thing whatever it is you go up there and it just feels like a community you feel proud to be from there everything feels small New England is big but it's small yes but it feels small even though it's quite big

aha there's a lot of people but it feels like a small town particularly on Patriots Day because it feels like the hearts and mind of everybody is in the same place at the same time that is a beautiful thing especially now with all the disconnected with the tubes and the phones and the interns nets I hate an inner tube the bleeps the sweeps and the creeps so yeah I when you can feel connected I think that's all we really want to of course you want to feel connection I'm what I'm reading this thing this book it's called a steal your focus give that a good oh yeah I know that but oh something or other yeah he's a

big gay great guy fun guy smart guy and this guy is changing my life it's all about just what is it stolen stolen focus thank you stolen valor and I like to steal but this guy is he's got it all down he's got numbers he's got stats he broke it down he makes it accessible and cute little cookie bite information it's good stuff man well we got to connect we ought to connect so I go up to connect love to connect comedy connection where I started sure love connection so I go up to Patriots Day and it's laugh Boston I'm doing like my agent is so good I have the best agent ever why you don't hear that every day

he bought ten months in advance he books laugh Boston on Patriots Day weekend on purpose or I was like I got your boss I routed for Patriots Day this way you're off Sunday I know you're taking nephew to the gate knows everything that's lunch just a fan he's a Tuesday by the way whoa an Asian Tuesday what agent agent agent yes sorry stop agent hate so I got the laugh Boston I go up there and now the shows are all selling out in advance oh and that's the best feeling it's a nice thing hometown you're going up there that's lunch and it's so thrilling so Saturday night go up there we're stay downtown it's just beautiful weather 65

degrees so we're everyone and all the runners are in the hotel I've never stayed in a hotel Patriots Day weekend normally my parents house so all the runners that you can tell everyone's a runner they all get their gear and their stuff and and then all the handicapped runner people are there what it's called now disabled people nubs hoppers I don't know what the cold whatever it is the wheel people the like the wheelers it's like return to us oh yeah those guys are freaky that was really scary scary shit fatty well what are the what do you call those the wheelbarrow handicapper handicapped called I think it's called

hand racing or jumpers and no what do you call that I think it's literally called wheelchair still I think it's cripple but the word the appropriate word yeah that's called handicappable disabled disabled I think there we go disabled but it's wheeled people yeah we'll be as I'm seeing the wheel people it's very exciting wheel time with Bill Maher we'll fortune yeah so anyways they're there you're here they're there sure sure I can't I got my focus is stolen I'm all good book whacked out yeah pipes game writer so we're having this great weekend the first day Friday morning we go I'm like let's go for a run Saturday

we know we're big runners with queeps we run everywhere so we go for a run we go down to the Esplanade on the Charles River we run over the long fellow bridge across Cambridge back over the Harvard Bridge it's just spectacular running on the Charles the the what do you call it rose blossoms I don't know I love come my dad loves come so I'm running along the child we're made from come we have a great run a come run then we walk down Boyle's I'm like let me go show you the the finish line come on Eileen so we walk down to the finish line Copley Square it's in its festive the racism for another two days but it's just festive

love festive so everyone thinks we're runners because I'll go to the new balance story bought some new sneakers I bought these kicks and I bought some running shirt all this gear everyone's like good luck good luck Monday and I don't even correct him I go you got it I'm not can't wait yeah so I hope it holds up yeah take it got a weak hammy let him think it Tuesday's stories is brought to you by Fana mall Fana mall I love a good live event but I hate buying those darn tickets the hidden fees they suck and the coordinating with friends it's all a nightmare I always end up front in a bunch of money and chasing

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Fana mall and experience more get on it Fana mall Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by you know what I'm about to say sheath underwear oh come on just like your parents some things are just better when they're separate and now the folks over at sheath are finally separating your dick from your mouth balls whoops dick from your balls just kidding Robert we love you Bobby Bobby Patton hey Pat American War veteran buddy of ours we love this son of an onion he made underwear I'm wearing him right now I can tell you that I know which ones I got on cuz I've been wearing for three days but rash I love these undies they

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my wife was wearing a pair last night oh yeah comfort you guys know for your balls sheath is applied to boobs with their sports bras go to sheath underwear dot com and order with promo code twos gaze yes 20% off your first order and she's 100% money back guarantee that's sheath underwear dot com promo code twos gaze hell yeah get sheath underwear and let them support your balls sec so we go down past the finish line I'm telling all the stories this is where the bombs went off I remember being here when I was 11 this I came here when I was 15 then we go on Newberry Street it's almost Sarah's birthday so

we walk up and down Newberry Street I said get whatever you want I'm buying there we go so we bought a few records I bought something my mother it's her birthday to just a great day out in the city it's nice to feel like a tourist in your own town I know it is lovely and I love that somebody puts up signs they put up decorations they're all out there I love that it's somebody got that going it's a beautiful day beautiful city we go back I got bulger text to me Mike Whitman's coming out bulges hang at the old gang I love it and then Uncle Dale comes to the show my parents come to the show they don't say much my sister

comes the whole family's there everybody's coming just a great time great hang we're in the back it's me bulger Mike Whitman Jim Whitman we're telling all the old stories remember that time Tom Duster what about when E.J. Murphy said this great time sure great great hang then Sunday I take my nephew to the baseball game that's a good time my friend canner and Bart they come up to the game we sing sweet Caroline the whole thing bean town then it's Monday morning you set the alarm for 8 a.m. the game starts at 11 a.m. the only pre-noon professional sports event which is exciting now

where's the wife and all that is she excited is she like 8 a.m. let me I want to sleep I don't care about baseball well this is the first year she ever came and so I know I've been getting better as hard as I could hit the cliff eighth grade but sure so she never comes and I say you have to come because it means so much to me don't you see this is the biggest day of my life sure this day the family the friends the game the festivities so I say please and and she comes all right but Sunday's her birthday I already committed to take my nephew to the game because I'm like I gotta take my nephew the game it's this

Christmas gift he's never been I'm gay how's he never been to a game what is this kid a disabled well he's 13 these kids people at Boston is so expensive like a Kansas City Royals game for 50 bucks you can pitch you're right right exactly for a bleacher seats like 125 dollars it's a goddamn I'm not kidding oh these inflations thanks Putin 60 bucks to park it's horrendous wow this is bad news so it's her birthday whatever we take her there we make do bulger comes down we go to my parents house after we have a big bonfire bulger comes down we're playing cornhole the whole thing love

cornhole then the next day it's Monday morning and this is where Sarah starts to hit the skids cuz I'm it's like 815 I'm like come on time for a second straight day in baseball in the cold bundle up you gotta get up and she sleeps till 11 she's a sleeper oh boy who's birthday is this I'm of well my birthday was about 10 days earlier all right all right this is turning make-a-wish territory here we got two baseball games we got ice cream I'm sure a cookie if you pushed your wife off a cliff here I spent $17,000 it was ridiculous I bought everybody a ticket Uncle Dale came his wife came my

niece came yeah the canter Bart my father so it was a group of nine of us so you get up at 815 my mother starts cooking you know she's making eggs and omelettes and the thing that way Deb and then you put on the news you know ABC or so whatever you call it local local local channel 7 WHDH and they're doing all the same story we make all the same comment you have holidays like this oh yeah you have to do it the weather the news you hit the same couple of jigs you go wow these guys run seven minute mile if I ran I mean my ankle would be broke I'd be in a wheelchair the next day don't give me some shit myself I

shit myself on Tuesday let alone on a marathon so it's but it's funny it's kitschy and we haven't had it for years cuz a stupid fucking COVID so it all feels good again I pile everyone in my car my sister goes back I'm like you follow me we drive into the city your park I bunched into a Tuesday by the way it's Joe Lewis the fans are out so shout out we go up to the bleachers we're like classic bleacher creatures I'm heckling I'm yelling beautiful day for baseball we all get sunburned yes then me me me me me me me me me me me choose yes so we watch the game great ball game and they ended up losing but

it was fun because it emptied out we're all had a good time okay sweet Caroline everyone's arm and arm take me out of the ball game all the shit all the jizz packed out packed out I mean it was wild perfect day so then I go this is where it gets really fun everybody let's go down to Kenmore Square and bring home the runners here here this is where you become part of something it becomes this beautiful community because all the people all the winners are long gone they take two hours they finished in the third inning sure you go down to Kenmore Square and everyone's cheering and here come the people that take four five

hours these are the losers they're coming in 858th place together we need a bombing for them get rid of them so they're way back and they all put a name tag Stevie Bill big mistake no it's good but I can you can heckle no I don't specifically hey Stevie get your acting out of your fatty well we're different we're cut from different class I'll tell you that what are you disabled I go crazy I'm crying tears streaming I'm like and then it's like mass state police I'm like come on trooper go trooper come on BFD Boston fire and they were all screaming now I got a friend from high school Lindsay Wolf I think is

her married name whatever Lindsay Wolf Lindsay so she's running and you can track you know the wolf pack track she's wearing this this is what she's wearing they got she's coming up she's a mile away half a mile away oh wow well she knew we knew what she was wearing cuz her sister I see what the system wasn't running she was telling what she was wearing so we're keeping an eye on is that her is that her I don't know but everyone that comes by you like go Betty go Susan and I'm balling I can't stop crying oh my god wow this is heavy it's a community and then you like that's Lindsay and we're going that's

and some people run through they're doing this that's nice positive I'm hitting the people text so I'm like come on I'm not hearing from you a little energy little energy and some people it says like Dave running for stew because his kid died in a fire whatever she like do it for stew yes do we see him get teared up I'm like stew baby and my dad's yelling and my sister's yelling can't there's drunk yes I'm down I might run oh my god of course it makes you want to run I ran like five miles the next day for the next day three the day after that but what a day wow I got chills Jerry that was really something

fatty well then after an hour of cheering I go it's just weird thing you've reached an age we're like I feel like I'm like the leader now yeah my dad's old all right folks and I drove I paid right right well he doesn't have any bandwidth this guy never talks you can't be a leader with no chat yeah he threw a few let's go it was fun a couple pops that's not enough for a leadership so I go all right guys back to the house cornhole big fire beers hot dogs yeah did you relapse no relapse we pack everybody back in the car we drive back to Whitman we start up the big fire we're shoving all the logs and the

assholes in there bulger comes back down you know my sister uncle Dale funkeldale the whole gang love it it was something else then you sit around the fire and it just makes you feel a part of something I love it it is just a great great tradition God bless New England go socks and God bless you for not going you know what I'm at this marathon I need content the baseball game hey cousin Jeff hey Uncle Dale hey Sarah who's divorcing me we got to have a post we gotta have a tweet real by now but this is why I suck at comedy I'm like I'm out I'm out of career I can't buy the way I went to Boston I sold out

every show I made about 48 thousand dollars then I go to Buffalo they're like is you 300 bucks you piece of shit get out of here next time do a real at the marathon you fucking loser that's the brakes folks the ups the downs holy shit what a tail oh it was great man that's what makes life worth living hey take a licking and keep on breaking whatever the fuck it means it's crazy that you know you got a cherish because I listen all these quotes when I'm home I put on YouTube and it'll be like Ben Franklin quotes and it just has a fucking black and white screen with a fat Ben Franklin and he just says to each

his anal and it's like shitty music behind me and he's like time is money you know I love that I don't know why I love quotes cuz you know what's cool about quotes is a lot of them apply today of course they're from 1801 or whatever well the ones that don't apply today you don't hear I'm sure there's plenty of quotes being like a horse up the ass is worth the feather in the nose I think that applies that applies I've had a horse up my ass it's all pipes so but yeah I love quite even like Alexander the Great Alexander the mediocre all these guys they all have good quotes they all bone apart they all still hold up

Graham Bell yes Alexander Graham Bell he's never called me but that old joke he says I'm working on an invention go in the other room I'll call you and the guy goes I go in the other room and call me the guy says what's the number he goes one I like it it's funny to like call me like what do you mean call you I saw it a mile away and I couldn't wait for it I was excited good for Graham Bell good fun someone came up with that Graham cracker yeah all right Graham Instagram who's the money Python one John Graham Graham Parker no Graham Chapman Graham Chapman they are good name he died oh man everybody's dying

except Louis at least please is the only live one I think Godfried yeah I was gonna say what about Gilliam no Gilliam died I think Gilliam's dead we should bet on it I don't want to bet I bet yeah a chocolate scone he's not dead I'm Gilliam's right he's running around it doesn't say dead it says he was born in 1940 he's 81 years old that's a lot of kidding Gilliam's going about that he betrayed betrayed he flew the coop he's a British guy now he doesn't live here anymore but he was British no he's American he managed to penetrate Monty Python born in Minnesota wow I saw him on a TV thing he had a British accent I

think he adapted after he's lived there since 1975 or something that's cuckoo I don't like a fake accent who's he Johnny Depp well I'm thrilled to know he's alive how about that I thought he's back to life in my head we got three we got three pythons and idols alive he's got to be a lot I saw him on James Gordon a week ago doing karaoke I think he's alive so maybe it's just Graham Graham Chapman died early Graham Chapman had cancer he had cancer yeah he had cancer made Eric idols alive and then please and then who's the other asshole there the ugly Graham Chapman he played King Arthur then there's Cleese Gilliam did all the

directing animation shit then there's Eric Idol and then who's the fucking other asshole don't tell me I don't know I don't know one more asshole Rex Cleveland let me think hold on give me a second I'm gonna pull it Ron Perlman people are yelling at the screen yelling who the fuck is Monty Python tough as these names are kind of tough to stand out hold on the British names hold up no I know it Sid Caesar Tommy Tuton Tommy Tim Tom Dave Tim Dillon to take Jones Terry Jerry and another Python Terry Gilliam Terry Jones Graham Chapman there's two Terry John Cleese Eric Idol there's another one one more

is he like the the Ringo who is this guy no no you'll be like ah when you hear Pete Best is big suck cliff Terry Joe Terry Jones is the Ringo that was quite a poll I see that was a big poll Ron no Ronny Specter Roger Bill Mike Matt Marie Mike Michael Joe Michael Chap Chapman Chapin Michael Chapin Capron Michael Chaplin Chapin Chaplin hold on don't charter Michael Chesterfield no I read some of his book it's a it's a C it's Chaplin it's not a cap no no Mike Siever isn't there a C H growing pains no you had Michael Palin Palin he's got it Palin Mike Michael Palin was pretty good

I knew the end I read some of his book anymore well that was for about four people and we're coming to London soon folks so you're welcome I'll be in London next week May 19th in Soho not the Soho theater wasn't available and we only have one day of overlap I know what day I think that whatever day you get in I'll be there I leave that's a shame what a what a crime that is I know I was all excited now I'm like I don't know who I'm gonna hang out with and it's text me if there's a big British podcast I'm talking big over 5,000 listeners big in a gram you got Graham Norton out there maybe you can pop on his gay show of

Graham Norton he's good is he I don't know I just my sister and her sister love him I love British because their mother's British my mother's gay I like Graham Graham Bell that was Jim Norton he's good Jim Norton very good all right well yeah yeah what's oh Russell Peters no no no no no no Russell brand no no there's another Russell British Russell British he's big Russell maybe Russell's the last name Russell cute cute blonde guy I saw my Gotham recently Bertrand Russell no no that's a writer Russell Clay Bertrand wait maybe it's not Russell give me a comedian Cosby's brother Russell Russell Cosby we don't know his

name and I got to figure out who it is British professional wrestling cute comedian Jimmy Carr he's similar he's in that wheelhouse wheel chair Michael Palin shit it might be Russell something feels like there's too many Russell he's blonde he's got a podcast it's big Brett Goldstein you Daniel Kitson David I put in kids and I put in young cute British comedian okay it'll come up eventually but we'll move on until you get it Russell Howard oh Russell Howard did I get this edit heard of that name that's a basketball player it's a Russell Bill Russell Russell Howard thank you he's cute blonde thank you all

right hey Russell he likes us too okay yeah he mentioned it once he said hey I like you and I said alright keep moving but he's older than you he's not that young oh really 42 bye looks great black don't crack but either way we're gonna be in London foggy London town and I don't know anything about the show we're doing it's some kind of TV thing yeah meeting with the producers this week so I'll find out fill me in there fatty cuz I'm clueless and we'll have a love I'm bringing the lady here's what's fun she's a Soho house member out here and so I started in English we're gonna go to the Soho house oh that's fun I'm so sad

there's not overlap I had so I was early maybe come a little early I always do but she's I'm coming in there like four days early already so I'm already pushing it I thought I thought I didn't know what was going I thought I was going for four days I'm there they got me there for like 11 days I know well they keep doing the thing where they go well you want to come in a day early and I go all right all right I hate coming in daylight but they're right it's it's overseas it's international it's a time change so then they go well if you're coming in a day you might as well come in a day before that because you want to get situated get

used to the time then have a day then record so they just keep pushing it back and then leaving you're like you might want to wait a day and then like you leave the next day after the taping and I'm like I have a home I have a wife I and then I'm going straight to Seattle by the way which is that's eight hours difference I'm gonna be all whacked out I said tell the kids that fungal Joe is gonna be fucking stunkle Joe because I'm gonna be shitting my pants and stiffen my own asshole you're gonna be loopy like Mike Chaplin or whatever their name is you better get some blow or Adderall cuz you're gonna be all over the road but

move these kids over to the East Coast you're losing your life on Seattle you like Cobain trust me by the way his wife who's my close friend too she's like the house next to us is available and I'm like I'm not buying an $850,000 house in gig harbor you son of an onion I don't know I've seen you on vacation you drop money like Russell Peters I know but also here's the thing don't you agree cuz because Derek's a listener my friend Derek is a merchant Marine D dog and I don't know if you've ever heard a fucking Newark New Jersey but there's a whole bunch of ports there it's quite a port town big port so I want to move to

the Jersey Shore Red Bank did I say about the guy that's upset he said I'm fucking up the housing market by talking about Red Bank the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life get a life I wrote back I'm like you how many people do you think how many Tuesdays do you think I've bought homes in Red Bank New Jersey enough to send the fucking economy a piece of shit you're red bank asshole enough enough we can't get a complaint about anything and I wrote that to me wrote back he's like you're more powerful than you think I'm telling you the house is like I'm like I guarantee you if you're

a Tuesday who in the last six months purchased a house in Red Bank or John explicitly because I said I want to move to Red Bank I'm not fucking Bob Dylan well yeah you're not you're not mad money Mike or whatever that guy is you're not dealing with money and finances and housing markets you just said you want to buy a house there we have like 8,000 listeners I'm like I'm sorry I'm not I'm not swinging the entire housing economy if that was okay you should might as well talk about who you're voting for you'll you'll skew the whole market I have and we lost I still got people telling me I'm a cuck liberal

piece of shit but man what a nightmare but literally push back was that you not thank you the hell out of me but anyways don't you think he should pack up and move to Jersey because we each have well-paying jobs mine is show business his is marching we just need to coast he needs a coast and Seattle stinks look it's got moments you got the Pacific Northwest get a little nature out there you got Rainier Mountain and a couple islands but the city sucks the people suck it's all Amazon the traffic's coming up move out here it's Jersey's plentiful the shore you got the ocean and gig harbor but it's not even

an ocean it's a harbor it's just flat still water there's also Long Island which is a porty yeah you got Newark Baltimore Rhode Island has you know some people stories up you know it's just a it's a good coast great coast coast to coast by coastal get over here come on D man D money yeah and he's a merchant marine you can live anywhere I thought you guys were tough bring the kids they want to grow up around nice people not these Seattle queefs exactly so anyways let me plug the special this year's material on YouTube it's cooking keep coming keep the key oh where we are we are 58 oh yeah it's been women on for

three hours so like subscribe tell some friends I got a whole shitload of dates by the time you listen to this hopefully I've updated my website I really do suck it show business I'll be in San Francisco in June Vancouver June 11th August I got I'm Baltimore June I think it's Baltimore anyways I'm in Baltimore I'm in Nashville I'm in fuck I suck so bad we got a phone old device I got a book and I brought my backpack just for this fucking let me go while you're you're flipping jizz here all right I'm in Oklahoma City as well as London DM me if you got a show out there I might see it I might not I'm bad with DMS Huntsville

Alabama Baltimore as well Chicago Burke Christchurch Irvine improv Houston improv Lexington Kentucky Dallas San Antonio I'm all over Texas Palm Beach improv Richmond funny bone Brea improv and Orlando improv boy that'll be fun good times I'm at Minneapolis Pantages Theater Cleveland has no tickets sold please come out God damn it what the hell's wrong with Cleveland say hello praise Allah get a t-shirt get a mug say hi to Shelby Chuck's in a car accident he's in a coma and it's all pipes re-nicki all right here they are I finally got them that wasn't so hard June 9th to 11th San Francisco punchline

I'm worried about the cook somebody walked me to the gig for a lot of cooks out there in SF and Vancouver Rickshaw Theater on June 12th every single person in Vancouver is written to me about the Cooke's oh yeah I'm gonna have a car just drive by full speed I'll duck and roll out of there sure the weekend after that McGooby's Baltimore ish bought whatever the fuck it is whatever town June 16 1718 McGooby's let's sell that one Atlanta punchline I've never headlined there ever in my whole life June 24 25th come out to that one a lot of people messaging about that then Toronto July 29th one night only come to that son of a

bitch then it gets crazy in August I got the Des Moines funny bone Nashville Zanies the Liberty funny bone nice good good clubs that's gonna be fun and then Royal Oak at the end of September so whole bunch of shit please get some tickets come on out and spread the word about the special Georgia saying cut it my father's gay it's all pipes my sister's ass thank you coming my mouth we'll see it hell brazilla comedy