Tuesdays with Stories! - #453 Tootin' Putin

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

It's a humdinger folks, as Mark and Joe reminisce about Joe's "Samoan" roommate and trudge up some barking memories. Joe details his upcoming trip to London, Paris, Seattle, San Francisco and Vancouver as Mark drives a Tesla! Joe deals with a persistent heckler in North Carolina and the boys (separately) get taken out to the ball game! Sponsors: - Support the show and get 20% Off with the code TUESDAYS at https://Lucy.co - Support the show and receive 20% off plus free shipping at https://manscaped.com with code: Tuesdays - Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code TUESDAYS at https://Fanimal.com - Support the show and receive up to 60% off your subscription at https://Babbel.com/TUESDAYS Subscribe to our Patreon for the ad-free version of the show, weekly bonus episodes, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here for full video of every episode: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy right as I started yelling I realized everyone can hear us don't knock oh don't tap on the glass yeah I don't want to get piled on again this thing will come down on me like a south tower big pile yeah it's

pile but by the guy I was really shouting really check was here early I think check must jerk off in here got here two hours early I know I do but I got in here yeah but I'm saying when he's alone ah different Chuck got in here early and that guy was shouting up a storm he's like a roll weaver over there is fuck this fuck you fuck that is it still the wife I'm gonna kill you I can't we fuck that black guy is it the whole the standard or is it new stuff I couldn't hear really I mean I could hear but I wasn't listening because I was cringing I just thinking about us yeah yeah he's doing old Carlin albums in

there piss fuck motherfucker just saying all the worst things it reminds me old roommate you remember my old roommate Jay it's a moment this yes cuckoo's nest this is a giant brown man I believe is an Eskimo mark mark stayed at my house 25 years ago he's sleeping in the living room I didn't warn him that I have a 58 year old Indian roommate yes so all of a sudden he comes in and I just roll fell out of bed like fucking you know who fell out of bed anyone famous must have fallen out of bed I think a Rip Van Winkle at some point he slept a grout show maybe did a thing sure sure but yeah who's the most famous falling out of

bed it's gotta be one I think sex they kick you and you roll out of the bed or sure sure well we'll think of it it was like Bugs Bunny and then he shit he was like what the hell and then you just kept going you got a Samoan it was full volume I had to be like yeah well when you're hung over and still drunk and you figure Samoan's not gonna hear but it reminded me of my summer camp childhood a big big brown guy came in when I was sleeping in my underwear I didn't know what to do but yeah cute guy nice guy I believed he worked at the airport sweet sweet guy but he so he worked at the airport but he was in charge of a lot

of numbskulls because I think the people he was the boss over we're all kind of minimum wage whatever work release programs whatever that means sure do it jerk off ex cons sure so he would scream at them on the phone it was very similar to this we could hear him and one time I heard him say this I'm sure I've told this on a podcast before but it's the funniest thing I've ever heard anybody say ever he said listen to me very carefully do yourself a favor smash your head against the wall three times and throw yourself down a flight of stairs that was to his daughter I mean that's like Edgar Allen Poe that is

really something well it's it's nice he works well he's knuckleheads all day these idiots and he comes home to a couple upstanding citizens in their underwear pissing blood on the couch and jerking off you me and Jason Cantor but I mean smash your head against the wall three times to preface listen to me very carefully yes classically funny smash your head against the wall three times count them and then throw yourself down a flight of stairs and that's his boss imagine your boss saying that imagine Chuck saying this to us I love it I love I mean that guy would be put on a HR or PR or Puerto Rican like he

can't say that shit anymore you get one little recording of that that goes out in the ether it's over no forget it by the way don't you forget that where Chuck's boss it feels like the opposite doesn't it yeah well he sits in a chair he's got glasses he's watching us we're children yes he goes home and edit stuff it yeah it does feel like we're your boss yeah I want to make you happy yeah fuck you yeah I quit that's the moment it's so weird to be a boss like they look up to this guy he's in a suit probably at work that he comes home and it's just it's like Rugrats and Jurassic Park in there it's wild I know and then

he lived I think I never talked I assumed he hated us I feel like such a dipshit looking bad it's such a regret because I moved did you ever move in to somebody else's place sure that's a bad feeling so can't live there and Jay and then forget who else lived oh Paul Odo and so I moved in when you ever had that situation it feels like you are your what's that outlier yeah I'm sorry outsider this fit what do you call it when you a stowaway cancer I can't feel like a visitor yes yes not welcome hmm a peasant a slave pedophile I think it was the one you feel like a pedophile because you're attracted to children

nude but you had come in there and I'd be tiptoeing around and I forget this is my home of course and then he's older he's got a straight job he's not a comic he's not an alcoholic so I thought he doesn't want to hear from me so I would just keep my head down hey Jay sorry it's considerate and also I'd be watching you know no country for old men at four in the morning I'm listening to fucking the highway 61 revisited at 7 a.m. so I assume every day every time I come out he is like a piece of shit of course so I never spoke to him then we move out all these young comics move in they're all best buddies with them he's

on their podcast he's hanging out they have lunch well I feel like an asshole wow the podcast is called listen very carefully but yeah that is hilarious he was always a sweet dude I mean he got it he knew we were young he knew we were drunk he would come through with his boxer shorts on and his brown Indian legs and you go shit but he never said anything he never yelled did he ever even say keep it down out there never once ever never once I think he was just grateful to have a cheap place yes I think he went through a lot of shit divorce divorce and I think other big serious stuff that feels like it's not my

business but I think he'd been through a lot so he was just happy to be over there and I think he's ironically a Zen guy except with working with these numbskulls right right well it takes it takes a toll and he's living in animal house as well yeah it was bad we were wild it feels like a sitcom that you would pitch and they would go this is too stupid it's too unbelievable all right we got an old Indian guy works at the airport he's divorced he's in his underwear he's yelling at people and he lives of a bunch of comics in Queens at a 400 square foot apartment yes and the comics are alcoholic and then the

person that you're telling this to goes what if we make them gay women Asians and wheelchairs and then like okay we can do that I guess sold and then we're like well we don't want to do that like well it's not gonna be on TV we're like okay nevermind yeah yeah yeah we'll get a trans host but anyway so it never made the air but maybe we should write it yeah it's something there yeah maybe not all right throw yourself down the flat of stairs but yeah yeah we've all had wacky living situations I think that's pretty standard I lived in a shoebox in the east village I had a DJ neighbor who's like a sexy Armenian guy DJ his name is

Akram Akram yeah it's a Batman villain probably that's Arkham asylum Arkham yes close but then my other roommate was a sexy Asian guy with long hair and a leather jacket what come on you're making this up this sounds like a kid's coloring book I swear to God I lived in a closet and I had a futon that was up and if you folded it out it wouldn't go that's how little the room was if you folded it it folded it flat it would it would hit the wall it wouldn't get it would be like a taco hot Asian long hair leather jacket that sounds like the carlin made up thing a big fat Chinese guy with red hair now he looked like

Steve Aoki is that his name Steve Aoki yeah he's a Tarantino villain any are you a okie yes yes karaoke but the guy was always fucked up never saw him sober he was like a real biker like badass Eastville when the East Village was East Village Mars bar and all that yeah he was one of those type I think I'm sure he was a heroin addict which is weird because he's Asian so you assume he'll be successful but crazy living crazy living did a lot of bedwetting in there a lot of good writing I was on unemployment there saddest moment of my life what do you mean well what I need I need structure structure I got on

employment I was like this is gonna be great I get 300 bucks a week I'll do comedy and get drunk every night try to make out with a lady killing it and I would sleep till 3 p.m. then you go out again you start drinking you're not getting anything done structure Jerry you need a path you need a goal right you gotta have a goal gotta have a structure the timing the structure did you hear he fucked her yes you know that's Chuck right that's your jam blink-182 I feel like you're a blink-182 I could I can see you all my shit right here with the with the big poster going I love you Chris or whatever his name she left me

roses by the stairs let me know she cares oh that shit was brutal but I liked it at the time it was catchy well the earlier album was better damn it kicks ass it kind of rock that being the needly needly needly need but then they got a little too like all the small things is one of the worst songs in history I hate all the small things but I but I love Blake you hate all the small things even your own dick hello yeah the first time was fun cuz they were making fun of the boy band thing was so big in the video they're all being fake sexy with a fan and running on the beach and that one will get attacked that's all the small

things video the video was good the video is good well the video they gave I think the record company gave them money yeah to shoot like a $300,000 video what they decided to do is take the $300,000 and hand it out to people that was film it on a whatever camera that was the rock show video yeah that was fun that was that blink is great they're great but that but the the bubblegum stuff is tough the singles are the worst songs from blink for sure but damn it kicks ass damn it's great well now that the drummer there what's his name Travis Barker he's banging one of the Kardashians and apparently he's got

a real hog it's all pipes down there and they get married they just got married but he calls it L Diablo that's his dick that's what he calls his dog Travis is a real musician he's like prolific really oh yeah now is he Bob Barker's son yeah is he really is he really that would be something holy shit well he gives back to the pussies wait wait no what did he do what did Bob Barker do something with dogs he neutered the dogs the dogs hate him really he's bad I don't know what the dogs really I don't know I don't think I stopped the neutering no he wanted them neutered he's a spader neuter I guess cuz you

don't want too many dog they don't like Peru out here right he's a he's a dog Hitler Perot Peru Peru is almost dog aha she's a dog Kramer yeah wow where are we I'm all over the map here I don't know what the hell we're doing we're barking right yeah 11 yeah where we had a Samoa and a Barker and a giant dog chucks I barked once in New York same barking's in comedy terms that's when you stand outside say hey we got a show here folks blow my dad for two tickets oh yeah that was one time deal only I got those tickets it was worth it but I will say I barked for a while it was brutal I'm a new I'm a new

Orleans kid I've never seen snow it's freezing in New York I don't know the jacket I'm wearing a burlap sack and then a garbage bag and the guy go he was so mean I'm not gonna say his name you know I can't wait can you send me a signal or text me hold on it hold on I'll do it is it hard to bleep sounds it out I can't believe that you know Jeff look well you can say Jeff but yeah he was a cook and I had a bit of room up on 112 oh yeah that's where Tom's restaurant is that's right that's diner if you're in New York and you want to see the diner from Seinfeld 112th of Broadway yeah but it's up there I mean

you're in Canada basically but the guy was freezing out I had no coat I'm shivering I'm a southern queef and he goes all right you bark for three hours I'll give you like six minutes I was like done so I'm doing the thing I'm freezing and I go in a bodega for like six minutes because I'm freezing I had to warm up you know and then he I walk out and he goes six minutes in the bodega huh you're off the show and I was like I had to go all the way but I did like two and a half hours I went to the bodega looked at the the candy and warmed up and he got me got some hard candy in there I did a weight shift

a heavy foot it's a big coat but Cortex yeah I barked for soapbox comedy remember soapbox comedy I don't that might have been before your time it was like when I first was getting in there the internet was like new this is why I've been slow on the internet and success and all that stuff sure but I would go to soapbox comedy and it was some kind they would produce these shows and they had a website and I was like I'll get in that way but you had to bark and it was the same thing I barked for two hours and I don't want to talk to anybody and the guy I did the set and I thought I would get in that way the

classic thing yes but for you young comics out there if you bark then you're a barker they have no incentive to have you not bark Bob you just barked you're barking why would they go I don't have to bark anymore they need a barker exactly if you're willing to do it you do it so don't do it don't do it so then I would bark Lewis Gomez started as a bar he was a bark just a barker you know that yeah no bite he wasn't even a comedian he would just bark really job that was his gig wow well he's working he's barking baby yeah by the way his dog died that was sad wow no bark there no geez barking up the wrong

tree but now we love Gomez good for him I mean it was a gig I mean it still is a gig you see those those numbskulls at Times Square going hey we got we got Ralphie May at the at the Laugh Chuck and you're like wait a minute he's dead they're like well he's here we got him you're like all right I'll go see him it's just an open casket well so I barked and then I did a set and I killed and he was like wow I was like it's happening he's like that was great man he's like you're so good for your a I was like 20 years old 19 and he's like you really got something and I said thank you thank God because that was brutal and

he's like well can you come bark tomorrow at 4 I was like no I thought I just made it off that yeah and he was like you're not gonna make it I'm just sorry he's like you just don't have it it's sad it's like cuz they don't need us you know that's the thing you think you think you'll kill and some guy with a with a file cabinet and a big landline I'll go you're in kid he's smoking a cigar but they don't need you these 8,000 comics who are also funny it's like when you get a guy going hey I'm 49 I'm a white guy I got a half an act can you get me in at the cellar like well what are they gonna do right why would they want you they

got people but they seem to do a lot of it well they're bringing in some some ruffians these days but hey we're back to each other barking I'll be barking soon but yeah so barking was bad it was brutal because you just so tired and exhausted in the cooks but we made it but he told me to my face like you're not gonna make it you don't have the I don't have the tenacity oh well we'll just see about that you son of an onion yeah here I am in an office trying to talk quietly so we don't kick kick out hell yeah no place that rather be yammering on and on next to a guy I assume is a divorce lawyer or he's a

divorced lawyer yeah he's a nice divorce in there hey just where you're flying from I'm on my way to London I'm leaving to London and now I'm going straight from here you to London we're ships in the day in the night thank you and night is day black is white and gay is right so where are you coming from all dogs go to heaven except the gay ones up coming from Dallas Fort Worth DFW baby yes long good old three-hour flight I'm on no sleep I got such a problem there fatty I I knew I had an 8 a.m. flight and you know the openers are like wow we had a great weekend we sold out seven shows let's

get one drink and then here I am on the floor funneling vodka tell these people to suck each other off so hey we hung out Friday we hung out all day I hate these extra hangs we'll hang at the club I hung out from 7 p.m. till midnight that's a five-hour hang I agree but it's buddies and then I text with them just text with me is a man I'm hurt and I'm like you're hurting I'm on no sleep I'm on fumes I'm doing a podcast I'm gay now and what do we need to do those shots for you don't need to do the shots shots they don't add the fun you realize this it doesn't add any fun that's the that was one of the big

moments of my life was when you me and Phil Hanley went to the diner and we had after the Carolines Christmas party oh we were we were tuned up that I just sat there ordering bars I know but then we went to the diner and I was like just drinking Bud lights I remember the morning yes and because I thought it was fun and like we're drinking at the diner it's like swingers and then they handed us the bill I'm like this is all of my money legitimately I have to hand this Greek diner waiter all of my money yes and my head hurts because I'm just drinking beers with a grilled cheese sandwich then

I bumped into my wife going home and I thought that would have been just as much more fun if we just hung out and told stories without the beer of course of good but you want to keep it going you chasing that dragon you don't want it to end Jerry so yeah I got to grow up I mean yeah at least you were 12 when you figure that out I'm 38 I mean but the counterpoint is you can afford to drink I had no money I was literally at zero I was like I have zero dollars right no prospects or job either I mean it's also a little bit of a testament to how we could we could we could rally baby I mean we're doing this we probably got to

the Carolines party early it's free food free booze we danced all night we headlocked we we chucked we jived and then we kept going I bet everybody else went to bed I could have danced all night and yeah they were right to go to bed the Sun was up of course the whole next day it's horrendous nice to see the Sun rise sometimes and then the hang not from 57th Street and 7th Avenue it's not maybe like a field it's nice sure maybe a beach northern lights whatever the fuck that is yeah you see the hookers get killed and the hobos and the needles but yeah but yeah it's about being together it's just hanging out how fun

is this I'm having fun yeah if I was drunk it wouldn't be fun I'd be like shut up you fucking suck you don't even know what you're talking about you're fucking idiot I'm glad you quit I'd be like Chuck what are you even doing here you're fucking asshole I could press a button you're fucking piece of shit you're not my boss yeah I'd be throwing hot tea in your face and you're like why do you think that's funny it's funny you're wet now you were a fun drunk but you were moody I was quite moody turn on a dime that Jekyll and anal a lot of moods big moods anal and hide but when I was fun it was fun a lot of moonwalking they call

me crazy legs yes yes easy still calls me crazy legs the moody blues hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Lucy when you've had a long day and you want to unwind like a grown man grab your favorite Lucy gum or nicotine patch I love the flavors of Lucy gum they got the best gum I've ever had forget about it when I want gum I go Lucy because they got the best tasting gum you know all about the flavors they got a lot of great flavors you're gonna love it's not like any gum you've ever had if you've been looking for an alternative to smoking and you should be why not switch to the nicotine gum

that you feel good about if you enjoy using nicotine you should definitely check out Lucy's products at Lucy.co that's Lucy.co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout and if you're a listener from Canada well Lucy is now available at ca.lucy.co also I have to read this disclaimer warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical remember if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine visit Lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code Tuesdays Tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by Manscaped smooth used to be enough but now there's ultra smooth ready to go

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listen to a bunch of old you know what dudes you got problems here yeah well it's like a hunter-biden laptop you got to get rid of that thing yeah anal fuck 69 did you see that what's that that was one of his passwords oh I thought there was a blink 182 album no anal fuck 69 was hunter-biden really I love the guy that's like an episode we have that's good stuff good for him but yeah it was it was out there it was wild but yeah and I had a one ex-girlfriend she wasn't on social media and thank Christ almighty because a lot of this stuff I mean shit in the shoe that would have been all over twitch and

that's right that's right yeah that would be an only fans right there we got a guy shitting in a pump that's big I mean you could have cleaned up on that or she could have I did clean up a little bit and still miss my flight I thought you made it I know I missed the flight then I had to get the next flight which was to Boston Boston to Seattle and I flew with shit all down the leg yeah that's that's tough in the coach but I will say middle seat yes I will say you gotta you milk that story you I think you got about 19,000 hours you got a full war and peace out of that story it's all out there well people want to hear the

story so and I always prefaced it by saying I've told us about 48 places but people like the story they want to hear the story and it's not it's not good well stories are big I mean it's the whole name of the game here but I remember going isn't I remember going to look at there I remember going to bars and people would go tell the tall everybody the virginity story I mean it was before phones he just sat around at a bar with 3,800 beer cans and he'd be like oh all right you'd laugh and high-five and then what another guy would tell his story and that was that was a fun night yeah that's you know you gotta share the stuff the fun

campfire the whole thing goes back to the cave queefs yeah cave queef count Sharon Dallas yes one of my favorite show favorite clubs the improv in Addison they're gonna say city and I was gonna push back a little now well there's a reason Kennedy got out of there but yeah brutal brutal hangover but great time great group had Andrew Youngblood opening and we sold it out we sold out of merch and it's just a fun time I love Texas I really do Texas is fun you got to love Texas I mean Texas feels like home to me because of the wife and the Christmas and all the business it's just feels nice and the Sun just stays up

there it lays low and it's flat other than the Austin it's not of course but you know what I mean it's just out there just a beautiful place and you know there's some they can do some improvements but for the most part it's just a good time down there there was two shootings while I was there good times and I probably more than that too that they reported haha well I couldn't find an abortion place to save my life but great great stuff great crowds there they just you feel a little freer there it's kind of like Florida with boots and cowboy hats and no Jews yeah Texas is a good time I don't know when I'm making

it back there but really I'm all I'm I got a Mike Hawke I got San Antone I got Dallas I got Houston I'm all over Tejas well down I was then Dallas in February and March I did Fort Worth Dallas February March and then I was supposed to be in Austin a couple weeks ago they canceled on me I heard hey what are they trying the email went out and said dude unforeseen circumstance I had a hundred people texted me going hey what the fuck why'd you cancel brutal but not him they always go right to the source go to the club yes the club what's up that they can't do whatever they weren't ready so I'll be back in January or February I

think I'll be in Austin and then Houston I was just there on thank Valentine's Day so I'm all over Texas in the past and now you're going straight to old foggy London town this is this is a big jump you're hearing that listen to this travel I'm going I can't wait I love the itinerary so I'm going to London tonight at the time of recording as the time you're hearing this I'm in London right now sure sold out which is very exciting whoa I mean it seats 40 people but still hey that's all you want you can't get a ticket to see old Listeroo no thank you like Mary Poppins you're gonna come in on an umbrella and click your heels

or was that Wizard of Oz shit of Oz is heel clicking I don't get the poppins ref I don't get it either you're popping in Mary pop in London she has the umbrella also London London yes yes Wizard of Oz is not London that's Kansas it's actually Oz well she ends up in a yes true that she wakes up from a dream so it's Kansas there's no place like home no place like homo sexuals yes that's done possible I'm jet lag already yes yes I know I am but so I'm going to London for 11 days then I fly from London to New York home for 12 hours by the way right now I'm currently home for 22 hours I just got back from

Raleigh 22 hours good movie more on that later so I get back from Raleigh I'm home for a day then I fly to London in London for 11 days wow I fly back I'm home in New York for like 26 hours I fly straight to Seattle to go see my niece for her birthday do a one-nighter in Tacoma on May 30th then I'm there for a week then I fly home for three days then back across the country to San Francisco why three nights punchline punchline oh by the way that flight I don't want to mention these flights are you booking for 1400 here 1500 there it's crazy I mean Putin is fucking us is it is that who's doing it I think it's

Putin is fucking put to Putin I call him yeah hi but tootin I mean this guy sucks and I know we printed about 75 trillion dollars is whatever that was two different presidents by the way mother mother yeah so anyway so Putin he did whatever he's doing I don't know he's fighting somebody I know he's got cancer he's 570 nose jiu-jitsu he's a jerk off but you got that right so the flights are too grand I'm making 2200 the flight cost 2100 I'm gonna kill myself but so then I go to Seattle in Vancouver so I'm gonna be on adjusting to London time and then immediately go eight hours backwards in Seattle then

come three hours forward just go three hours back again you're living on a plane here you're living on a prayer I mean we're talking six hours plus six hours is 12 hours plus 618 that's 24 hours of flying in you know 10 days you're about to rake in some fat Miles Davis over here this is big stuff you gotta hit that lounge too can I ask you why you're in London for 11 days it seems like such a long time long they booked me and that we're doing this TV show joke off on the CW they're looking for Americans that are in London by the way if you want to get tickets they want because it's an American show

being shot in London so hit us up for tickets if you happen to be an American in London I'm there the 26 27 28 yeah you're there for four days I'm there for 11 yeah yeah I think you over did it there I didn't do it that's what they sent me it's fucking up my whole schedule you're Mary Poppins but it'll be fun I like London you know I might meet a lady with teeth like mine you know it'd be nice sweep a chimney eat a crumpet tea you like tea love tea I got drinking tea right now all right tea bag they respect tea Americans don't respect tea tea sticks no they don't it's water with a bag in it get out of here that's

what your fucking cock is do it okay well if I put my sack in the toilet same shit I've done that long balls oh yeah and salty if I might add high water long balls but I'm doing two episodes of the show four episodes but they shoot two at a time so two is better than four of whatever the fuck two is better than one that's true but they happen to be filming a few days apart plus it takes time to they want you to get there early to adjust to the time and then they wanted me to stay longer they're like you don't want to leave the day after you shoot so I go hey guys what are you trying to do convert me to Londonism

yeah what the hell I think they want you to be a Brit over there they want you to be a mate how are you shooting mark shooting yeah are you doing four or two are you just doing two I think I'm doing four in two days still that's a lot he's going for three days you're going for eleven no no I'm not going for three days I'm going for six okay all right all right six I was like that's too much I'm gonna get back to New York I'm overseas I'll panic but I'm bringing the lady we'll do a whole thing we'll blow you big Ben and you know kill the Queen or whatever we should hang I've never met this lady what we should we should

dingle around a little bit you know man I apparently sent her a DM the other day I heard twice that's about oh boy that was a lot of DMs I couldn't get it to end by the way it was tough she said hey what's up with Mark stick can you help me out here just tell I can't get it to end either but that's trying oh I was trying to get you guys to move to Queens I said on the podcast I threatened three weeks in a row and I said I'm doing it why don't you move to Queens and she said you're an idiot I don't even like you I can read between lines but she hates the moans so it's not a good shot but any jizz we got a hang and you know I'm

doing I think we mentioned I'm going I'm shooting right to Paris the French opens going on oh now now now now give me the run through how's this travel have you worked it out have you done the the the numbers if you crunched no number crunch I don't need to crunch crunches at the gym I you take a train it goes under the English Channel of the straight whatever the fuck it is which channel MTV I guess okay August 1st 81 so I take the train and just go right underneath the water you pop up in Paris and then you take another train over to Rowan Garrosh and which I've gone to before it was a hell of a tourney I'm

going back I'm gonna hope to see Alvarez or whoever wow no joke of it I can't he'll be there whoa he's playing he's back the Joker they call him yeah they call him that I don't have the name now he's annoying he's never said a joke and it's like we're jokers that's a good point I have a point he does this business get out of here what is this it gives his heart away it's so gay he goes to each corner like this and then he comes over here and does this oh god I do this one baby but give the heart away god man what a dweeb by the way I recorded I'm recording farts again and sending them to

folks oh hey I'm upset I'm not on the list well I sent one to Matt Wayne he had I said my death my nephew you know check this out this is a good one that was a wedding that wasn't real that was a stock whoopee cushion long fart it's got the time stamp wow that's a beauty I mean that's a great I could win an Emmy classic here's a class this one's labeled classic there you go classic that was like a like a bunt sell those to like a Foley studio yeah you good this one's titled little a little aftershock oh I gotta tell you about this bit I love farts I don't care this right now there's like

50 people jumping on their computer to write list as a child blow me farts are funny I'm gonna kill yourself this guy you ever work with mellow Mike and Raleigh oh black guy Mike mellow mellow yeah he's a he's a male he is mellow he's quite mellow he's a hilarious guy good hang a great time in Raleigh and he had a bit this is one of my favorite bits all time I want to buy it off this guy well he's one of these guys been doing comedy 900 years he's one of those sleeper sleeper blacks I think so sleeper cell sleeper sleeper what else is sleeper knock down sleep over sleeper what is a sleeper movie sleepers yeah

yeah what is a sleeper cell is that where Cosby is I have no idea that's not bad I'll tweet it tonight he's not the sleeper that should be like make you sleeper and now it's really a sleeper yeah yeah I had a trapper keeper sleeper cell is a terrorist cell right members work undercover in an area until sent into action what's a cell so I think that means basically so let's say you want to infiltrate a community you'd they'd send you in and you just act like a regular part of that community and you're that's you sleeping right and then they're like all right go blow up this the subway and then you run in there

amongst the subway yeah they're amongst us so a cell is a person I think so yeah I think I think it sells a person ah you don't you don't hear that about other people there's no other there's no Johnny cell oh this fat cells I guess there are fat so anyway here's the bit he said I'm getting older now I far I'm not even trying like a but the body just let that go don't even worry about it and he goes the problem is I was in a waiting room and the guy next to me thought I said something yeah the guy says what'd you say so now I got to come up with something that sounds like the fart ah and he goes uh LeBron

James that's great that's great that's gold that's gold and I've heard every fart joke on this side of the Mississippi and I never heard that take that's fucking gold I was dying I was like a kid in the back I'm giggling I had my feet dangling his fart had a tag which was also a fart I know it's brilliant and it's one of those jokes you're already laughing because you're like I can't wait to hear what he said yes it's one of those jokes where the premise is so rich that you're like I'm already love it no matter what he says and you're like is he gonna be like whatever you can't tell what kind of fart it's gonna be you're anticipating the

noise he's gonna make and he went with LeBron and then he got the last day man I mean that's a well-constructed fart zinger and it's funny to think he's in the waiting room and he's just like this LeBron James you know he had to come up with stuff that too yeah beautiful joke working on many levels how long we've been here by the way it feels like we've been recording for two hours we're bouncing like 32 33 a half moon I was distracted by the fart joke yeah yeah hold on Steph Curry I'm gonna be doing that all day with different players it's fun I mean this is really a classic

wow that was gold that was an Isaiah Thomas right there holy hell that was a I might have put out a Denver Nugget okay here we go we're having too much but tell me how Wilson was because that's the gig I told you it's in the middle of nowhere it's the weirdo spot it's the countryside yeah they're all bummed by the way because you're trash in the gig they're like what the hell they're like they're like mark game we thought he liked it I'm listening to the pocket they're all like condoling each other consoling consoling you get condolences but you can soul that's right right then there's

a console the car shouldn't be consolances where's this the D coming from my dad yeah coming from my left but yeah that's true you got a point there fatty but I want to clear the air here with the Wilson's of the world you know Wilson oh improvement the gig was good love the gig good crowd good set up good venue you did you kept giving me the opposite good people but me but I had to land I had to have dinner with 18 guys we play the gig on the land that doesn't make any sense well I took it you want to know you want a gig that you don't land you have to land the land cruise over and go farts LeBron but you have to

land that's how the plane works otherwise you'd still be up there that's what I'm saying to you okay you land the plane you get out talking to my aunt Sylvie you got to get into a car with a stranger you drive for 30 minutes so you talk about Putin and Biden's lap it's an hour by the way this is why you got to rent a car I know that was my mistake I'm not exactly you're telling me you're in my head saying it's a bad gig because you didn't rent a car so you're stuck yabba-dabba doing with some guy for two hours the car I'm driving the bus I didn't know to rent a car but you had me who was already there and I told you

hey watch out for the car I rent a car anyways you know why because the country's covered in kooks that's right I can't even walk outside I was in Raleigh it's driving me kooks crazy I'm in Raleigh it's the most beautiful neighborhood you're on campus basically and then it's all like roads and it's lovely yeah first day I get there from Wilson I'll come back to Wilson I'll pick it up I walk out the door and I'm going to the Y MCA right next door why because I want to work out I like young boys so it's right next door I walk out and I'm like going to the Y proactive I look across there's a bus stop a guy you

know sitting there like that I feel bad for him I'm very empathetic but he gets up and he comes running oh he's got a limp and I'm just like I mean I've been out of that hotel wow one minute and he comes jogging across the street and I go alright I'm literally walking 50 feet yeah I go hey he's like can I can I bum you some money off yet I feel for the guy I do it's not his fault sure and I go yeah I got a couple bucks I pull my money I give him two bucks he goes can I get two more man I'm like I'm sorry and it's not bad and I understand it's fine I'm not in danger whatever but it's just the principal you walk out and

immediately well hey and I'm like Bart's on my mother brutal this country's a kookbox you can't shake it but he's a southern kook which I think are a little more laid back I think so I think so well you know until it's a weird thing the cells it's like Virginia's the cells like there's like 1800 miles below it I hate the central I think that's just all the the people who wanted to keep slaves and we just call it that because Tennessee's in the middle you know and then we call that the south yeah it's all very strange I'm from the fucking I mean you walk out my door I hit the gulf right you know Florida that's out

there in Cuba's asshole right but then Florida feels like its own thing when I hear south I think Mississippi Alabama Louisiana Texas is its own thing Florida's like obviously the south I understand it's the south people right to you and go you fucking asshole and then Arizona doesn't feel south at all that's like that's the Southwest yeah Southwest as a whole there's road runners and Indians and turquoise and Jade what the hell's Jade I'm not sure think it she's an asshole yeah got that right hello peace yeah she sucks fuck them but any jizz so the Wilson gig I'm all nervous but then I get this this this was

funny to me so I get the message sold out and I go hey you like starting to pick up here I'm selling out Wilson North Carolina I can't even imagine what Raleigh they're gonna be building bleachers to add seats over there in Raleigh you got that right they're not gonna be able to handle me Wolfpack and what's Raleigh what's in Raleigh good nights oh you're doing good night God I'm there for the weekend doing good night okay good night so I fly in a day early to do Wilson which is way out there it's an hour I'm telling you it's a thing now turn me east so I get the car rent the car I love the car because you feel

free is there any better feeling than getting off that cramp plane the lines the shit the whole thing and then you're in that car and you're just it's a Volkswagen Jetta I love a jet of Germans they really know how to do machine so I'm cruising around I'm driving the bus yeah out there to Wilson your hotel is shit the city shit I had Chick-fil-A that was nice there you go they're very nice there I get to the gig and it's sold out so I'm ready to get blown I'm ready for the bunch of southern bells to eat me out bring it on horse and I walk in and I go these don't look like Tuesdays to me just look it's like the

Blues Brothers is like you know a chicken wires what are the great deliveries ever Tom Malone chicken wire it's a couple of yee-haws out there it's a hat wearing toothless yokels bit of a redneck town I work with two good comics there Chris Tivoli I think it's how you say his name and Matt Dameron who's must be the guy that picked you up I think big damn because he said I'm gonna pick you up I saw no I have a car and he said oh thank God I called whatever but both really good guys both funny guys too so I do the gig this is the most eventful thing that happens okay lay it on me I'm on stage I'm doing jokes about

my wife you know something new something different take her please and this guy this like Hick guy he's behind the lights I can't really see but he feels big Bill Hicks he says you got any naked photos over wait a heckle a heckle I see now he's setting up a joke okay and the joke is I say no and he goes you want some sure classic an old classic gag it's the one gag he knows he's excited for it yeah well he's ruining a show though he certainly is so he says yeah you got any naked photos your wife and I say yeah I got a ton of them I got all kinds from behind up atop the whole my phone is filled with them I'm not sharing them

with you though I'll tell you that so you knew it was coming I didn't know it was coming I thought was just my natural reaction okay because that does deflect from from the hillbilly's zinger well so this is what happens so I say I got a bunch of my phones full of them I got up I share with my dad but I'm not sharing with you young man and the crowd kind of laughs and I go but anyways and then I hear you want some I go well yeah I go that it pauses and people people go oh and they're like nice people there the show is like friendly people so they're like man why are you disrespecting our money here right you know that wasn't a

good accent for North Carolina I can't do accents but he fooled me they go and they're like what is this and I go sir I think you're joked and this is how I like to handle hecklers yeah just to really take them down a couple cocks and I was like I think your joke didn't work because I didn't give you the line that was necessary yes you waited too long you wanted to do the joke but I didn't give you the proper lines I like to bail on it that's friendly did it anyway and that is a tough crowd I mean it was pretty funny but it didn't do so hot yeah and I think they went over like they had like marine doorman who went

over and swarmed them oh but it was just hilarious that he tried to go ahead with the bit yeah yeah well good for him he went for it but that's comedy folks you gotta have the setup makes sense with the punchline and he was so gung-ho on getting that punchline out that he couldn't he couldn't call an audible yeah I couldn't call the audible but the show was fun audible.com nice people good show and then I went over to Raleigh and worked with my buddy Mark Brady who's fantastic if you're ever in the area you need a guy he's fantastic work with him last time handsome guy just sexy as hell I know this cat maybe I think maybe he's

tall guy very handsome he did he got a little fame during the pandemic he did the basketball shot did you see that every day he did a trick shot with a little plastic basketball his kids basketball I got on ESPN it's quite a thing you gotta watch it there's a credit I mean he was like tossing it out of his window off the pool one of these things it's amazing I love these guys I think you sent me one of those I sent you a bunch I was like obsessed with it I think these guys well how cool is that you're obsessed with this guy you get to work with him yeah but I think these guys who do stuff during the pandemic I love

those guys who got shit done and played the piano or fucked their wife or whatever it was good for him yeah sexy guy funny guy good comic great weekends mellow Mike mellow and Marcus Brady over there and just good fun shows but let me tell you a tale I got one tail let me just add they they still the old good night she didn't do because I heard they're knocking that bitch down and putting up a parking lot yeah they're building a new club just like Austin it's not quite ready yet I don't know what's going on in the that world I think the shortage you get a little baby formula people are backed up the baby formula

seems quite frightening doesn't it what's going on there is that because of abortions I think this I don't think so I see I think there's a shortage of jizz or something hmm because there's no baby for but it's one of those news stories I don't have a baby I don't care but I see it and I'm like doesn't seem good right I mean I don't like I try not to push the panic button I'm a mr. cool toes I'm not too nervous but you're like you do some of the math you're like I'm doing pretty well but I'm like these flights are 800 bucks inflation bread is $17 yes I mean yeah not to not not to step on mellow Mike's bit but the gas is out

of control it's crazy it's like I went in LA it was like $8 or something like what is some poor landscaping guy got to do he's got a van out there he's got a Jella or juice up is his van blower mower I know join the patreon folks prices still the same sign up yeah three bucks for ours no inflation they're like half the price of a gallon of gas yeah I remember now they got no baby formula there's kooks all over the place there's bail reform there's mass shootings there's it's just doesn't seem something's up good doesn't seem good here now no you could blame it on Hunter Biden who knows but the government's kooky AOC is

attractive I don't know what's going on and I think Trump's gonna run again the whole thing scares me what are we gonna do should we just pack up and then is this why billionaires are going to space are they looking for new land I'm moving to London for 11 days I'm gonna feel it out and Sarah citizenship by the way mother's British so we might be drunk go out there and go hang in the rain I got the teeth for it gotta dance yeah I mean get in there yeah I know maybe I'll move to Mexico and then you know get a villa and live it up with a little Swedish boy I don't know if it's going that bad but tippy-toe okay I reba

so just kidding about everything don't call me we love Mexico Viva Las Vegas whoa sorry that tune I'm I'm all over the road here but yeah yeah that's a that's a good weekend and I love Wilson Tuesday's with stories is also brought to you by Fana mall when you're getting out and doing shit this summer and if you want the best price for the best shows this season use Fana mall Fana mall has tickets to everything you know me I'm ticket crazy there are no fees the price you see is the price you pay and for any hot ticket like the governor's ball Lala Palooza we used to call it lawn full of losers Fana mall is the

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toward your first purchase nice check out Fana mall and experience more Tuesdays for stories is brought to you by Babel have you ever wanted to learn a dirty word in every language well I sure do I'm in England right now I want to learn how to say the F word and in English oh shoot that doesn't make sense now thanks to Babel there's an addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language no matter what you use it for Babel teaches bite-sized language lessons that you'll actually use in the real world I've always wanted to learn French I'm watching the French open I went to Paris I didn't know how to say anything

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for life so I gotta go you know me I get to a town I look up all the sports I gotta see some sports sure who's going I go through NC State you know the fucking the Tar Heels this that the other thing I look up NC State baseball see some college baseball well they're playing Duke and Duke is in Durham not far from Raleigh I have neighbors so I say I'm gonna go to the Duke baseball game now on Saturday 1 p.m. not bad that seems like fun live in the dream so I get a ticket it's 10 bucks what general admission Duke baseball stinks nobody cares about baseball baseball is really dying it's really hurt and it's on

life support it said I brought my nephew to a game he's 13 he grew up with tiktok he's watching it going this is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life ever it's the opposite of tiktok it's the complete reverse of tiktok I try to do a joke about it like you could punish your kid you're like clean up your room or taking you to Wrigley Field you piece of shit that's great he's like oh I don't want to go to Wrigley so we go as I said it out loud I'm like that's not bad I told you that was a good bit we texted but any jazz so I get the tickets to the game now there's rain in the fork it don't you hate we're in

New York it's a right everywhere every day it's 48 it's cloudy it's rainy it smells like trash Caroline I'm gonna go to Carolina the greens and the warps hills all that stuff yes LeBron I get there it's just overcast every day ah low cloud I hate the low cloud hate a low give me a high cloud so I get there it's Saturday rain in the forecast I get up and I try to really not bad that was that was Charles I Jesus Christ paper cuts on two fingers at once easy fatty so I'll come down on you I like to get I like to really when you're on the road you don't bring a feature you just you gotta get after it so I

gotta meditate I gotta run I gotta hit a thing I gotta do all the stuff so I get all the shit done I go now I'm going to the ballgame nice so I head out to Durham and the whole time it's raining bull Durham exactly right down the street haha Durham bowls good movie so I drive out there it's like an hour it's raining the whole time then I get to the Duke University campus which it's my fourth time going there shot that commercial there years ago wow way back sir you University of Texas commercial was shot at Duke and if you've never been to the Duke campus put that right on the top of your list you walk around the Duke

campus I just want to grab every kid by the lapels which I don't know what that means and say you know how lucky you are to be smart enough and wealthy enough privilege and white enough to get into Duke University or Asian excuse me I don't know the numbers I was gonna write to me and call me a piece of shit just a joke I don't know but I'm like or good at basketball enough a lot of people love basketball people there lacks Jesus late near he was white yeah yeah this is shot right near all right so we go there I'm like I'm just walking it's like the birds it sounds like they're piping in sounds all these old

bricks I mean it's just so good you can't believe how beautiful this campus is it's beautiful it's so pretty the quad the sunny day the trees the young folks there are their whole lives are ahead of them the hope they got their books their idiots I love it they're having sex with each other it's mayhem they're all hot they're all gorgeous yes very exciting so I'm walking around there and now the sun has come out now it's a sunny day and I get there a little bit early I'm always early for everything so I got about 20 minutes I had a business call I take the call and I'm walking around campus I remember shooting the

commercial here I remember going to the game there Cameron indoor the bricks the business and I'm walking around going God I feel so alive I feel so great right now I'm glad I came out here I'm watching the ball game then I go over the stadium it's general admission it's under the little roof there it's a whatever stadium sure I find my seat general admission a lot of beautiful women running around a lot of kids now the teams the game so start at one but the whole time they're supposed to be warming up it was raining so now they're moving the game back an hour but there's no announcements there's not going hey

the game starting a different time what the hell so now everyone's out there in the field they're taking BP they're jogging they're stretching sunny day blue skies I go why are we playing here it's been 20 minutes I try to be patient and Zen I'm sitting there they're playing some music I'm watching the kids play over here they're having a good time that brings me back to my youth they're playing pickle and everything it's great you about a minute away from getting on tick-tock like your nephew well it's a while I'll check Instagram whatever and then I go for another walk I go get a hot dog I get some M&Ms I get a water I'm

yes yes good diet I come back I find my seat I'm sitting there 45 minutes 50 minutes pass now the clouds are coming in and there's a whole hour of blue sky we could be playing baseball boy sky of color it's overcast the clouds are getting low finally they take the little nets and screens off the field and they start that one team clears and then now it's down finally they take the field with a bunch of children like they're like welcome kid day whatever bullshit don't cop a feel on them it's a bunch of Gary Veters running around and I go get the fuck off it's gonna start raining soon yes now they go it's time to sing the

national anthem and this is a Duke alumni whatever good lacrosse team this is when it felt like I was being punked it's getting cloudy now it starts to drizzle now it's drizzling so they go it's time for the national anthem I go we got to start this game now by the way the Boston Bruins are playing a playoff game also in Raleigh ironically uh-huh at 4 30 p.m. now you know me I can't miss the Bruins game especially seven so I gotta leave by 3 30 I figure one o'clock game I'll watch two hours of baseball drive back be back by 3 30 I can have a cigar on my porch then watch the Bruins you got a fucking day here

fatty well now it's 2 o'clock and here comes the rain here we go and they go here's the national anthem I swear to God it's gonna sound I wish I had it on film it's gonna sound like I'm kidding this is how she sings the national anthem I swear I felt like they got together and they're like let's fuck with Joe list today okay hit me this is the national anthem whoa I swear to God I thought somebody hit pause it's like when you hit a podcast you push it slow-mo it it was bananas whoa I don't even want to do it because it's too long seven seconds past can you see like that and I would do the whole song but people at home would

be like this okay we get it yes it was insane wow it was like a state was like in a God of David it was like a six and a half minute yeah stairway to heaven by the time she's done at one point she did free and a bunch of people looked at each other like a bunch of dudes all went like what can you believe this she finishes up thank you everyone claps puts their hats back on it's gonna graduate she goes thank you good night everybody thank you she walks off it's pouring rain pouring please we got that in one hour has passed so now they go play ball and I'm screaming now I'm like pissed I don't even care I'm just screaming

play ball is just coming on the field play ball yeah I'm coming on the lady's head sure well probably was faster than the singing so now it's two o'clock I got one hour left before I gotta leave here comes the first pitch of the game it goes whoop just shoots like into the net it like 40 feet away pouring rain of course all slick the guy throws one pitch the ball literally shoots off that way and the upfire goes that's it come on off I swear to God we sat there we watched them warm up and get limber and play fucking P knuckle an hour with the son came in for the rain one pitch this one pitch this is why the sport is done

it's day we're gonna wrap it up by now this fields weathered my hands it's saying so they leave so then we sit and I just sit there for one more full hour while it rains listening to fucking breakfast at Tiffany's they said oh yeah now the one saving factor was the kids they don't give a shit so they're just playing and they're like diving down the thing and having a great time so I'm just watching children like a creep sure and I'm like oh that looks like fun look at them having fun it brings me back to the old days whatever I'm looking at Instagram and watching Pornhub the game finally starts at 3 p.m. I watch one and

a half innings of baseball one half innings I go all right I gotta head back look at that and then I go back I stop to bite I missed the beginning of the hockey game that's how long but they started on time they started on time the Bruins lost it was devastating but man the worst longest national anthem rain delay fucked up my whole day but the shows were great what do they do the singing with the with the hockey they sing yeah they do oh say can you oh yeah they do it okay that you have there's a Canadian team a better song I think oh Canada that it patriot love all right well I may be

moving there soon well here's what's cookie you bring up Boston team you bring up baseball I forgot to say we're hanging out in Dallas and we we go hey you know we got a Sunday show and there's a Rangers Red Sox game oh yes yesterday yeah so we we went to that puppy oh no kidding you saw the Sox we saw the Sox lose pretty hard yeah it was a tough one but my buddy Andrew he's got a Tesla oh wow now Tesla yeah he got a bunch of money in crypto and I think he stole some money from somebody but he got a bunch of money and he bought a Tesla and he goes you want to drive it I go do I want to drive it so I got a

couple beers in me we get behind that thing you ever driven one whoa it's a whole nother world fatty I'm gonna ask what is this huh I don't get asked I figured you haven't your co-host who gives a shit about him I'm driven in one I've been in one have you been in one no I'm in the passenger who cares if Chuck drove a Tesla he's been in a little boy he's just the boss the goddamn watch get rid of the watch nobody wants to watch nobody likes the watch I like to watch that watch but okay so we get behind the wheel that Tesla I mean one with a celebrity you ever driven I didn't let me drive I didn't think so he was in

one he tries to focus this piece of shit well he knows Kevin Smith he's eating out for big Leah I figured he bought one by now I think the Kevin Smith things made up frankly he's got a cyber truck apparently I don't know what's going on I'm all itchy over here yeah well that'll get you so what's up with itching powder you ever hear about itching powder itching powder yeah I've thrown itching powder have you yeah I've driven a Tesla all right that's not what I heard but all right so I'm in the Tesla and I'm laid up hung over whoo there's no gears on that fucker it just just goes it's electric you gotta have

gears no gear how can there be no gear no gear it's like your gear it's like going camping you know without it's no gear there's no shifting so it's not shifting by itself no shift how does that work what's in there it's automatic is that what you mean well no no most cars are automatic shifts but this thing has no like first gear you know how you feel a car like rev up to different gears this just goes it's unreal that's interesting so what is the mechanism don't blame the mechanism I think it's electricity I don't know it's like how does a how does a toaster work it's just electric that's like saying though there's no

ejecture in the oh I think someone just yelled this I heard someone yell I heard something was it a directed a better a better analogy is if you said there's a toaster it doesn't eject and then you're like well how does it get out you see what I mean I there's no ejector in the Tesla ejector seat hold on see my analogy no it's like a light you turn the light on the room lights up there's no but we're lighting I'm saying it just goes we need an engineer let's get an engineer in here somebody probably is one in this fucking building sure no let's know engineers in here this is lawyers and doctors and shit all right

well I bet they represent an engineer so there's no gears no gears are there breaks oh yeah a lot of break I need a break give me a break but I mean I get behind that thing now here's the clicker with the Tesla this is why Musk is fun first of all it's got this big screen on the front you can watch Netflix you can watch porn hub you can watch you porn all of them only fans and I'm beep boop boop boop and he goes watch put on the self-driving I go all right let's do it he goes click the little thing I'm a jiggy now it's driving the bus I'm just sitting there I got my feet up I'm tick-talking I'm calling people I'm

doing writing bits I'm cooking breakfast it stays in the lanes it stays two car links behind Elaine Dennis yes it goes lowest lane and it goes in it breaks for you you put in where you want to go Rangers game and it just goes there what it knows the exits it was unreal that's not fun it wasn't fun especially because I own a 1973 beamer so I'm you know I'm shifted I'm gears all day I got a clutch on the ball on the floor here I'm working this I'm working that it's a crank window so this is a whole different world fatty interesting yeah it was pretty lunch I mean I could see how you get lost in that thing you just sit in and

you're like all right I'll do my taxes I'll do the New York Times and I'll do my wife do you like the screen the screen seems distracting it is but you have so much free time you might as well do the jumble you don't have to look yeah now can you override the system what if an old lady jumps can I step on yes but it'll just it'll stop for wow but this is how kooky Elon Musk is there's so many options there's a there's a whoopee cushion option so you go what backseat whoopee cushion so that goes and you go Jesus Billy what are you doing back there wow it's a real dad car I gotta get this car he's a kook he's a season

african-american he's a millionaire he's having fun million billion multi-billion all right well I'll believe it when he buys Twitter but he has another thing where you push a button and a strobe light goes off and it plays techno music like you're in a nightclub and there's lights flashing everywhere I mean it's wild yeah this is cuckoo it's a cuckoo car and that's just some of the options we eventually got to the Rangers game now we get there and we go let's scalp we should scalp I love scalp I like scalping too but now a stub hub it's a little you know well that's the other thing so we try to scalp nobody's out

there one guy was a guy gave up it's too hot out so he stopped scalping but we go up to the door and we go hey we don't have tickets and they go cheapest thing I gots about 40 and we go where where are they and he goes oh it's way up there and Wuhan you never see a thing it's another ozone over there I was like all right fuck that and then my friend goes well what are we doing why aren't we going stub hub stub hub dugout club hmm which is just club is enticing yes of course so we go how much it's $20 so I go all right let's do it 20 bucks for dugout club it's crazy and Boston in New York it costs a thousand dollars to

get the worst seat in the house I go to Kansas City Arlington whatever you can 50 bucks you can pitch right right I'm more of a catcher but you got that right you could get the game and it was this is a packed out game there's nothing to do in Arlington Texas and the socks are playing this is a pro ball game and we go to the dugout club we grab some beers we're on the field I mean I'm cutting grass here it's wild and boy three home runs in a row just in a row well two in a row then one like a minute later yeah well red suction up very good not great bad squad yeah the Ranger had a couple Cubans out there and some DR fuckers who

are really bringing the bacon home hmm frying it in the pan yes so the the fireworks go off they shoot fireworks when they do a home run it's that bubble gum horse shit very exciting but don't you love a pro game I know you went to 13 when you were in bean town but sure there's kids out there they're what they're on the grandpa's lap and they got the glove you know it's such Americana it's very fun it's it's dying Jerry oh it's dying it's Betty White out there it's Bob Sagan it's Norm it's Gilbert it's Louie Anderson wow tough year yeah yeah a lot of funny guys too we can't get okay check the lineup yeah if they in the

cellar so and you know they do the thing where they go we're gonna bring out Bob Johnson he fought the the nips in the Iraq war whatever the hell and he goes he's old and his grandma's there yeah his wife looks like his grandma and you're allowed to have an event without a veteran coming out is it legal can you do it I went to an orgy once they wheeled out Bush senior can you do anything without saying hey this guy okay well that's fantastic thank you for your service appreciate it if you've got forbid you don't stand up during that no you gotta stand up I saw Stephen Hawking on his feet out there it was wild but I've

gotten older because I used to be like alright enough with the pageantry let's get to the game where's my beer who's who's gonna blow me and now I'm like alright look at these guys fighting for the country what a loser I'm standing up I'm doing this shit I took my hat off you know so I'm into it now I like a pageantry it's just it's just every you know it's a lot it's a lot game you know you got a few games in a row we got Sally's here she cooked a meal a couple days ago for homeless kids right let's give it up for here's your t-shirt it's not that I'm not anti-veteran I'm just anti can we just sit in silence during the game okay time

to guess the attendance right now it's time to play the hula hoops now it's time for the fucking mascots to raise here comes Shelley Berman's in the crowd and then we're gonna oh we're doing a half time now the kids have to race and then a potato sack and then you give them a piece of candy this is one of the problems with the nation I think it's I sound like Cosby with the nation sleeper cell my wife and it's taking money you know what we could do let's just I thought this is the rain delay concerts everywhere I go we could just sit you can't you don't need to have fucking bubblegum pop hits you don't

need Christina Aguilera just I'm not saying every time have some of that just once every couple innings during the between innings everyone just sits and chats I think we're make it through I think we would go it would be a hump to get over and then we'd all be better off I think everyone would be relieved I think often that music if you just cut it everyone like this nice I completely agree I mean how many times do we need we will rock you and all this shit to play I would like to get on that jumbo tron I'm not gonna lie to you one time fun story Boston Bruins 1998 playoffs the jumbo tron was just my torso

because I had let's get rowdy Boston and it started there and like panned out so the whole jumbo tron was my 15 year old body coming all over the place I love a 15 year old body great all right I think we gotta wrap we gotta wrap I gotta go I'm gonna go to London town London very poppins hello London all right well you're gonna be in London so go see the guy the show sold out already passed oh shit all right well you missed out in London but here's where I need you to come there you go on my face go San Francisco punchline June 9 through the 11th 9 11 do not forget I just bought a plane ticket for $1,600 holy kite I

gotta hit the fucking holy cock we got a couple things we got yeah yeah I we got a hit some bonuses here so come on out from San Francisco Napa Valley fucking Hidden Valley in the Valley of the dolls we're the fuck valley girl any valley yeah valley high screech powers he's dead come out to the show punchline stolen Valley San Francisco Dustin Diamond back Arizona come and then Vancouver Rick Shaw Theatre the night after that the 12th and and then I got by got Baltimore Magoobies after that and then I got Atlanta punchline June 24th 25th the specials up right now comedian Joe list has all my dates for the love of tits

come San Francisco you're probably a million by now when this comes out I don't know about that a big fella gotta be optimistic so yeah I'm all over the road Houston San Antonio as I mentioned shit my Orlando go to marketwomancomedy.com we got fun dates thanks for everything get on the patreon Chuck's kicked it up a notch we got mugs we got shirts we got queefs we love you thanks again praise I'll uh sorry to the Samoans and oh say