Tuesdays with Stories! - #455 Pop Shart

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday! Joe and Mark are back in the states and they start off by thanking God for Chuck (seriously!) after their podcast recording session in London! The boys talk about their experiences performing overseas at Top Secret and the Comedy Store. Plus, they walk us through their show tapings in the UK and how they were woefully unprepared! It's too much!! Sponsors: - Support the show and get 3 months free by visiting https://ExpressVPN.com/Tuesdays - Support the show and get 20% off your first order by visiting https://NativeDeo.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show and get $20 off PLUS an extra 15% off your first Raycon order at https://BuyRaycon.com/Tuesdays and use promo code Tuesdays. - Support the show and get 20% Off with the code TUESDAYS at https://Lucy.co Subscribe to our Patreon for the ad-free version of the show, weekly bonus episodes, and more! patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here for full video of every episode: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy remember that yeah a little bit Pee Wee big about was a huge Pee Wee guy then he jerked off in my living room and we haven't talked since he got in trouble for jerking off at a porn theater yeah

what feels like I mean what are you doing there that's like getting trouble we're getting farting in a public bathroom that's what we're supposed to do right very similar yes places that you don't shit but you just fart a little fart house a fart room oh I gotta tell you I got the biggest laugh I've ever gotten my whole life short tank okay okay keep going that's not bad I came up with an idea with my nephew and niece pop chart pop it's a pop tart you put it in when it pops out you just shit your pants they're 10 and 6 I have to preface I mean they were on the floor okay okay I

got you talking about how hot they were now I'm saying that the Tuesdays may not be you know laughing at this they're like pop sure what's happened to this guy that's not bad but the kids really pop shart and it's fun for the kids cuz shard is a combination of shit and fart sure they can say it that's true yeah so they're like this is great they can say it around me yeah good point I think I'm that uncle I got my nephew just says be whole all the time you all easy the language but he's six and he's just say they had a babysitter and then she was like yeah he said be whole a couple hundred times and yeah well new

word for a kid it's like a it's like getting pussy for the first time oh baby you can't wait to do it all the time it's all he says I mean it's literally all he talks about he's like Rain Man he's just like be whole be whole 400 oak Street be whole we find that a hole be whole and see whole all work I guess D-hole to vote hold yeah yeah that's all holes you got to get to eat before there's no hole it was a good way to learn the alphabet that'll teach the kids a whole be whole see whole be whole there's your clip clip it put it in your pipe and blow me whoo but so listen to this so this one you ever have these moments

where you're like obviously we want laughs you want to get a laugh sure love a laugh you care about laughs sure it's a little small I got fat and strong at the same time stronger I should say someone's gonna email me I got a little it's not go crazy little beefier every way you can get beefier yeah my cock yeah that's it's a muscle that you can't work out oh I work it out baby well I mean it can't grow nephew I put a steroid right in there and nothing isn't there a penis pump you pump it I tried all that yeah no pump felt good no good huh what are you got a little mediocre you think oh I'm a medium rare yeah it's

and it's veiny too so a medium and veiny so it's good vein is good they think it's ribbed you're so but yeah alright I'm ribbed Chuck what are you working with over there I feel like you might have a decent piece nine women I said the decent is probably the best way okay okay D-hole what are you thinking of 5.8 yeah yeah 5.6 8 in a good day okay I feel better now like Armenian or something right Portuguese Portuguese Portuguese you know if you head east from Boston uh-huh you think you're in London but you're actually in Portugal is that right yeah or New York even you go do east you're thinking like I'll be in

Dublin right but you go into Portugal I well maybe that's the continental shift isn't it the the continents keep moving is that right it's a drift isn't it a drift or shift Tokyo's drifting yeah yeah and driftwood oh Canadian driftwood ah the worst kind but yeah there's a there's a shift maybe it's tectonic shift on a shift yeah that's when the earthquakes or whatever ah yes it's all changing it's all pipes tectonic plates they shift plate shift commemorative remember those that was a big thing on TV hey get your NASA plate or whatever they're still on if you click over every once a while I'm on Delta Airlines and

they have live TV yes so I want to know I'll peek into the news if there's a news story but I don't know who's next to me so I don't want to be judged right so if I go on CNN I'm afraid he's like a right-wing guy being like look at this fucking liberal watching CNN but I don't if he's a if he's a liberal I don't want to be like look at this piece of shit Nazi watching Fox News right so I'll click back and forth so I'm one of those guys that watches all the news yeah you could just watch porn and be done it's funny how porn is less awkward than the the political well Delta's not offering porn just yet I've seen some titties on

a couple of the flights they do they have Carrie and Carrie just opens with like high school nudity is that right why they're just going to check that out they're just going through the locker room and it's just high school tits and I'm on this flight I'm like that's high school tits and his Bush tits Bush Bush and tits president now he's staying two of them ah Bush jr. anyway so I'm on Fox and if you go on Fox News you watch Fox News during the day you're still getting commemorative plates wow yeah big time the eagle with the with the you know the 9-11 yes like the little trades that are in the eagle a horn flag

behind him and it's good it's it's eagle 9-11 plate it's there's coins there's always a coin big coin love Bitcoin you know it's like hey get a chip but what is that Chippewa what's that old penny Chippewa Falls no second to a second to a yeah yeah so yeah so you get the set and then the other one is stamps sometimes you have stamps tree up there I got Beatles stamps I don't know does anybody know I have like nine Beatles stamps from like they're still in like a little plastic sheet it was like when anthology came out that's big and like 95 and they're like authentic mint condition it might be something give

that a gook here we can go on eBay right now and make about $11 with that Beatles stamps mint condition something there might be a lot of Beatles stamps yeah these aren't like you know like 1965 but 95 is 35 years ago or whatever this is true 25 I can't remember what year it is isn't it wild there there's only one living beetle they just keep dropping off we only got one left oh the ring going Paul Paul Paul got shot in Buffalo no okay Texas you've all been alive and well that was that was a comic Mary Beth Cowan had an old joke she said the Beatles invaded America in 1964 so far we've only killed

two but she quit let me tell you about this laugh I got wait wait one of them was cancer yeah okay okay just funnier I know I thought one too got a yes assassinated but what one almost did George he got stabbed a guy broke into his house and stabbed him in the Scorsese doc he literally says he's like while I'm getting stabbed I had a moment I stepped out of my the moment and was like this how my life ends yeah that's wild and he's thinking like I've done all these things I've been all over the world I'm in the Beatles I'm George Harris and for Christ's sake and I'm gonna die by some lunatic coming into my house and

stabbing me that's the brakes Georgie poor G I mean that's how it happens it's it's that's why you gotta love LL Cool J another way well another artist but he had a guy break into his house and he beat the shit out of him and the guy left oh wow he's like the Nolan Ryan of no Ryan did that no Nolan Ryan remember Robin Ventura was 23 years old he right he charged the mound on Nolan Ryan who's 46 and no Ryan beat the snot oh my god you gotta see it once I finish with the teenage tits I'm going right to Nolan Ryan oh it's amazing Nolan Ryan's like 61 Robin Ventura is 11 he just beats the snot wow well the arm on that

guy you know that's years of cranking them out down the line that's got to be a stiff puffer lip big arm and then they didn't get thrown out which is the funniest thing of all time they were just like alright it's Nolan let him pitch and he started it the other guy charged the capital so that's what you get I guess so but typically when you throw punches into somebody's face you're removed from the ballgame well don't rile up the goose if you can't take the beak if you plant corn you get corn yes good band not really I found these stamps you're not gonna be very excited for this let me see if they're the right

stamps they look purply and orange no that's not that that's not that's that's damn I wouldn't stamp my mother's asshole with those no to stamp my mother's asshole oh yes I could you we have let me just get right to the story off there we digress huge so I got I go out to gig harbor Washington which is where old Derek Dunovan and the family lives now beautiful town Pacific Northwest that's correct yes just south of Tacoma about 10 minutes from Tacoma comedy club okay that's a it that's that area feels on a little less touched you know what I mean like you go over in New York it's all graffiti everything's been shit on and

jizzed on it's like a like a worn-out vagina but then you go to the Pacific Northwest it feels fresh well it just feel it's magical because now it's summer everything's blooming flowers and it's just that bright green the trees just come up over the highway I mean just the trees Johnny oh yeah it's spectacular it's the it's the emerald state or emerald square mall whatever it's called not the aisle no Kelly from the emerald isle and his Irish Springs I never never cared for that oh I love Irish Springs me too I like whatever you like well you cut it you go I don't know why you have to cut the soap it's not a cigar yeah

they always cut it in the commercial remember a guy took a sliver off remember that Chuck or maybe I made that up he always said the guy went I remember the sliver and he went some Irish Mick patio fat guy was like Irish spring I beg I forget the commercial I was like dove and now I get my sister-in-law sends us like organic super soap from Marfa Texas wow super soap I had that gun and in high school it's got chunks of wood in it it's like a special soap it's organic whatever it's like 15 bucks a bar Jesus Christ well I'm more of a cliff bar guy but yeah I've seen that you ever had lava soap lava soap lava soap and a lot

of lamp once it's green it's got chunks of kids teeth in it and pubes and all this shit mechanics use it to get the real jizz off I swear to God you get those those oily hands with the gas on them you need the lava they're for elephants one of the best deliveries ever the showerhead for elephants I can't even do it it's so good low flow okay so I keep digress so I'm in gig harbor it's a beautiful town I want to move there there's no fucking kooks over there it's just nice and affluent and special and gay untouched so the last night the kids you know they're ten they're about to be six one of them and it's the last night

they're winding down and they love Funko Joe I mean I'm just a barrel laughs I'm the Tasmanian devil of fun so when I'm leaving they start to get a little sad you know it's late at night it's their bedtime I'm leaving at 6 a.m. so they won't see me they're all crying yeah it's embarrassing sure well you're the b-hole man I mean come on I'm a popular guy so I just wished that my wife loved me the way my niece and nephew do it'd be nice I wish I was like alright I'm heading to side split isn't she's like no you know I mean well I'll tell you my lady does that it annoys the hell out of me so it's all relatives but like cry

crawl into the couch no no I don't want that I'd hit her with a stun gun if she did that but yeah she she does like the oh I'm like what do you mean oh I'm on the road every weekend but then Alan our there was like that's good don't you want her to be miss you and want her to be upset I'm like I guess you're right she loves you yeah she could be like thank Christ I gotta go fuck big dick bubba went as soon as you're gone yeah yeah anyone else hard bdb yeah yeah so 5.8 so they're saying good night they're crying and I gotta go peace so we had a big dance party I see we like they love gangam style they go crazy to gangam

style big hit then I played smells like teen spirit for them I shove that right up their ass that cooks still cooks it cooks I hurt my neck so it's head banging that's an old man right there big big dance party but I got it hooked up to like they got one of those speakers that's like nine feet long you know the Hershey bars speaker Hershey bar speaker no I don't know who's that the guy who gives the the Ted talk at Nestle all right I had to pull that out of my ass the Hershey bar speaker it looks like a bit it's big and like it's like a big apple pie it's like five feet long does it have almonds or no almonds no almonds

okay I like the Hershey bar with almonds no bozo it's a collab from the 60s man so it's a big bar the music is just pumping so I go I can we it starts to wind down they're getting sad so I go to the bathroom gonna take a piss and I start you know when you what you go to the bathroom nowadays you gotta check your phone of course so I watched some someone sent me a GIF or GIF whatever I think it's a GIF but I like to say GIF I say GIF as well it's a G we're going GIF or GIF God's GIF to women God's GIFT so I play that because it's an animated GIF where it's like hello hello hello whatever you

know how these work so but as soon as I play it while I'm pissing get ready to piss I hear it in the other room because I realize I'm still connected to the so now I'm like oh this is big yes so I go to my recorded fart I have on my recording classic I play the I play the fart no the one that was mine that we played on the thing oh that was a classic so I play that one and I just hear this big laugh but then I realized I can I can record whatever I want in here aha so then I get the recorder going like a set yes I go oh my god I'm so glad they can't hear this and then I just record my entire piss like naked

gun oh this is great with a big whoo at the end like a Ferris Bueller crazy fart I mean at this point Derek must be going how do I top this I'm a horrible father this guy's coming in and killing and he leaves and I gotta be the the bad cop so I hit play on this thing and I mean it's full vol it's like 300 volumes or whatever decibels decibels and decibel points I can't come out because it'll ruin it I just hear like this laugh it's like deaf comedy jam in there the kids are on the floor I got a nine minute piss followed by a fart and on the loudspeaker blasting throughout the house and I'm made do

they know you know what you're doing or they think he thinks he doesn't know he's being recorded well I think the adults know the kids I don't know what but just for a kid to just hear the sound of piss oh gold it's just too much and it was a long long old man piss oh that's great wow and good on you for realizing that and then being like I can use this it was big and I come out and I mean Joey's like he's just on the floor it's like he was he was in shambles man these are the best sets here of your life you know forget the road these children I want to quit comedy moved to gig harbor have a backyard smoke cigars and fuck a couple

kids because it's just delightful out there sounds like heaven to me it's a good living out there so I mean this is what these guys you know like Barney Elmo the blues clues quiff whatever his name is Paw Patrol yes that's big tell it to be all these weirdos they all end up banging kids because their whole life is just pleasing children and laughs and laughs at the kids love them and they climb on top of them and eventually something's gonna slip in about this guy I heard about last night for the first time I think he's British and he was molesting kids and wheels are like crippled kids Jimmy Savile Jimmy Savile

yeah it looks a little bit like Alan quite frankly Alan lift quits no he's blonde he's like a blonde skinny guy pull him up he's like a player Alan left with he's got the similar hair and a mustache so you know this guy pretty good well he's my comedy influence no no I keep hearing about this guy I haven't seen the dogs that can't watch this too too sad he was going to burn units you know like how Johnny Depp will dress up as Jack Sparrow and then drink and you know hit the kids he was going there and take him into the bathroom and these kids you know they got the Jimmy legs they can't walk and he would he would

drag him into the bathroom and plow him and then bring him right back out and play with the toys I didn't know there was a dog my sister was telling me about he looks he's got a real throwy Rick flair thing and he's got cigars and he's like whoa yeah he was like the biggest guy in the 60s he knew everybody he was like friends with the Beatles like all-in celebrity and oh there he is wow we get Alan out of that that's not a good one type in his name and then Alan no type in Google image there's a few images one of them he had the the squirrely hair and I think a beard all right I think maybe I was just looking at a

photo of Alan I don't think you were I think you equate Alan with fucking but yeah this guy's bad news he was banging all these you know underprivileged there you go it is and they go hey it's Jimmy Sabo I could do worse it was one of those things hey folks you've heard us talk about our love for native they know it's not just what's on the inside that counts but what's on the outside too and you don't want to smell too bad on the outside that's why native is releasing their deodorant in new plastic free packaging I love native I'm wearing it right now my lady wears native I like the unscented I just want to not smell but

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way to use nicotine visit Lucy dot co and be sure to use that promo code Tuesdays get on it she was but anyways I was killing out there and gig harbor but I guess we could go back to lunch I mean I'm all over the place yeah we got to do a lot of material here today so it's crazy to think first of all we were in London for what nine days I was there for 11 11 11 big ones I think I was there for eight and you know you sit there a month ago and you go boy I got a London trip coming up that's passports that's COVID test that's a big flight you know a big TV thing and you just it's so daunting now it's all over yeah and

that weird how that works but it's all done and I mean we covered most of it in the London app which check it out if you haven't seen it that was a fun up fun app hot app lunch yep but you left when you left there was a there was a dent I bet yeah the tectonic shift well I feel like I'm the straw that stirs the drink over there I really felt like a nuclei you know a lot of tea yeah because when I showed up you already were there and you already had established a base I mean I ran into your room kicked the door down started sucking you off I needed you jimmy savilled me and so when you left other people come in and then no one you

you kind of go hey we're doing breakfast at four or whatever 4 a.m. so nobody's willing to do that so we kind of had to step up to the plate right but we made it work and it was fine but it was weird because I did a show with you I was green I didn't know what I was doing TV show we did a TV show a game show and then you left and I had to do another one without you right and it sucked well we got to get into the show because we recorded before we did the TV show is that right of course I did the TV show and left five hours later I jumped on the side of a plane like Tom Cruise sure like in Afghanistan they're trying to get

out of there I mean so we got to get into that but I mean it was such a fun trip and the party didn't want to leave but I also wanted to get the fuck out of there but yeah it was such good living because we're at the five-star hotel the top hat hotel I call it and we were in Mayfair and there's no kooks over there I don't know if you guys know this there's not kooks in Europe no you'd see every now and then you see one guy going can I get a little change there last sea or whatever and it was polite and nice so that was about it he was regular I mean we saw Luke bonus and I saw one guy in Soho the whole time I mean 11 days

we saw one guy who was like yeah like a pirate fellow but they keep to themselves even they're not like lunging at you like they are here oh it's bad news bears here but the whole trip was fine I mean you got there it was so nice and I felt bad because you were with your lady you know what the policy is interrupt third wheel thing and then I felt bad cuz she's like looking for action I'm like there's a beautiful park I'm 55 years old I walked you guys to a park it was raining I'm like look at the flowers well I caught her rolling her eyes a couple time it was bad she hates flowers she hates nature she hates a view she

hates and she hates beauty that's like natural she'll be like look at this dress it's unbelievable look at these shoes oh she's one of those people you want to be like shoes come on I got a sunset right here and she's queen threat my face yeah I mean I felt bad she's like we go to a lie it hurt my soul cuz she's like I'd like to go to a lively or part of town and I'm like yeah I walked 40 miles of the opposite direction to the park I see yeah she said that's when we went to Soho I was like oh geez sorry well I think she wanted to see the city you know you're in London we can go to a park anywhere but to be fair I did do this I try to be

careful about this I texted and said I'm going here that's the move you feel like joining that is the best and you guys said yes so it was in your court yeah well I think we saw the park and then we go somewhere else saw the park and went over to Soho had a nice find a nice pub we had a had a couple beers at a pub we had fish and chips I love the pub culture there I love that five o'clock they're spilling out of there everybody's all dressed up from their office gig they're all in suits and they're all trying to get laid and then by eight o'clock streets are empty yeah it's very quiet but yeah it's fun to see

all those suits you see guys in suits on bikes I love it they got their shit together over there and they socialize more I saw a lot less phone staring in London I think they're a little healthier mentally over there I think everything about it's healthier than here I know there's gonna be people with bald eagle tattoos yeah the same fucking mother by the way we gotta talk a little bit about this because we couldn't on the last episode so we played a road game in the studio we rented a studio at comedy club road game yeah so we had we had to find a studio and Fanny our what is Fanny our trusty

sidekick ad lady esteemed colleague producer I don't know what title is but she's the backbone of this show sorry Chuck yeah she's like bigger dick yeah she's like Chuck but a nicer cock yes we love you fan Fanny's just the best and she's been with us for a long time big fan of Fanny shout out to Jared Freed by the way who hooked us up with the fan alright freed man 3d and anyway so she rented us a studio but we did a little math and number crunching we it was a half hour away then we had a rehearsal for the show yes so we had to find something quick and another shout out to 21 so ho yes when I did my show that

there's a podcast studio I said hey this could work pretty good I put it in the back of the asshole right right the old noggin yeah so thanks for for helping us we did a cool show you had a fun app in there was in the basement of basically like a production studio or a comedy club who knows what the hell that place is but they assigned us a couple engineers and one of them the whole show I mean you can go back and watch the last show there was one guy he was not into it a little frosty he did not chuck he wasn't no he was I've never missed your 5.8 more I mean this one guy was on the ones and twos he was eye rolling he was

sneering he was snickering he was scolding and then we had another guy on the camera and he fell asleep that he was dozing off with the camera here and it's right next to his head so he kept going like and I thought he was gonna knock the whole thing over and your mid show and you're trying to zing and zang and they were very nice very accommodated a professional sure we appreciate it but the one guy was we're not for everybody obviously and he was kind of making this face yeah yeah he didn't love the the fodder and the other guy was doing a head nod fall like so it's a bad combo you got sleepy and then you got cranky

you got dopey and queefy so it was a bad dwarf situation yeah it was tough and it was tough sledding you can't just be like by the way there's a guy that's just staring at us he hates it you know you couldn't say it so it was like a hostage situation and you had to plow through you couldn't you couldn't just focus on the negative you had to just be whatever there's people at home enjoying this fuck it keep going if you notice and rewatt I'm dying laughing the whole time because I mean first of all you're being hilarious but then there's nothing funnier than you being funny within the same vision a guy like this I know I was

losing it it's like class back it's back to eighth grade again where the teachers like the kids like or whatever it is you know it's a good time it was wild so thank thank that and then even when we ended it was like thank we were blowing them we were like thank you so much God bless you we appreciate you saved us and they're like please leave this fucking area well that's the one thing I'll take away from London is there's a more of a professionalism there I feel like in America we let our queefy emotions get involved and we get mad there they bottle everything and then they're a little passive aggressive that's

how they get it out we get it out like fuck you shut up I hate that guy they don't say any of that they just go and then they go there you go mate I'll see in hell right the hell it is yeah that's like Sarah's parents they're you know British the very yeah stern stern Daniel front bow back stern so yeah we did the first of all just to break down the game show I don't want to give too much away it's gonna be on the CW in 2048 you guys gonna be all over this yeah so it's basically a show where you do puns and you know they go hey what's a book and a meat and you go Harry pot roast you know yes and the crowd goes not wild but

go mild yeah so that's the show and it's just a bunch of those and you can't really comment over joke bombs they don't want any authenticity then you do stand up and they pick the jokes you do so I did a joke from 1984 I can't even remember and it's tough it was a it was a culture shock it was tough it was fun and I think the show will be fun I did have fun but it was we kind of thought is somebody mowing the lawn it sounds like it what is how's that noise coming from this office is it construction somewhere maybe it's construction maybe that's not bothering me it just sounds like a lawnmower it might be a vacuum

ah vacuum vacuum it's very similar to the lawnmower similar emotions when you're young ah you don't want to do it they're both like you don't want to do it when someone else is doing it it's annoying you're trying to watch the ball game with a cartoon whatever and you're just like please shut the fuck up and you don't want to miss a spot you go and rose just like a lawnmower yeah get a Mexican to do it whoa no I did I mowed the lawn every week and my parents asked so where the fuck were we I get distracted by London town foggy bad teeth so the TV show you get a call from

your agent your manager and they go hey there's a thing in London they want you and then you don't even listen to the details no it was a pretty penny sure there's a nice chunk of change paid well and then I just want to go to London of course first-class flight amazing hotel how can you say no couple couple bucks and so I go I don't care what it is I don't care if it's uh you know gay porn yeah or a pun show I'm happy to go do it sure and so we say yes and then I was booked and then you were like are you doing this thing and I was like oh my god do it yes so it's all my fault no I mean I'm glad I did it but it was a lot of

work I mean they would give you packets and you were giving me shit I felt like Kramer you know before the marathon I'm smoking cigars I'm drinking I'm playing poker and you're like this is a lot man I didn't crack the the attachment yet well I lived it so I went there and so I had this moment I'm like you know you guys know me you know me I go somewhere I'm walking I'm out I'm not sitting around working no no same you got to explore I felt like they undersold how much work it would be you got that right they were like and I'm not a write a packet guy I'm not like a sit down and focus my process is like well that was weird and I put a

three-word note in the phone and then you go on stage and you go the other day I was fucking my dad and he came in my ass and it was weird now you got a closer and then you record that you listen to that and you go maybe it'd be funny or if I said he came in my eye I'm not sitting and so I mean I've done one packet in my life it was for Amy Schumer's show if you're not familiar these to get writers they send comedians a packet you got to write like 10 sketches 58 jokes three a partridge in a pear tree or whatever and then you send it nobody responds right yeah it's pretty standard that happens ever I've done 10 packets I've never heard of peep so I told

my manager years ago I had no more packets I don't want to catch up packets only pack it up I'm done with this shit they don't work I've done auditions they don't work nothing works well then you look at the writing staff and it's just the the cousins and friends of the person running the show you got that right ancestral so any jizz we get there and we have a couple of meetings on the zoom and I'm just like not even listening it's like when chuck talks I'm just going okay whatever let's just get to the show small penis 5.8 we got it 11 women and he's fucking everybody yeah I should stop saying that sorry he's got no he's you're the you're the only one young lady yes and you too young man just you guys so young lady so then

we have a meeting with on the zoom and the guy the producer who is nice and like a legend in television big legend big credentials yes big resume huge and he says I haven't a good I mean this is like so embarrassing from a sketch he's like you having a good time in London I was like am I I went to big Ben I'm like I got I went to see the queen I was at the palace I'm wearing like the big black yeah home hat right he got a little flag I got a flag in my ass and I go I went there I walked 40,000 steps I've been in Regents Park I did three sets and the whole time his face is changing to like yeah and he goes you have been working right and I went oh yeah you know it's all I'm noodling up while I'm walking around and I'm going oh jeez I didn't work at all

yeah yeah and I think Luke Moniz said this first I think we might have got sandbagged I don't think so he said hey you got have four or five jokes for each then the lights went on on the Brits there was two British comics they had like 50 jokes they got packing on packing on pages it's unbelievable how much work they had and how much ammo they had we were out there with a slingshot they were like with a fucking gatling gun these guys Reese James and Glenn Moore look these guys I mean insane talents and on television in front of a studio audience cameras the red light I had to look in the camera and go I don't have anything more oh they don't allow that in London they don't fuck around with that but these are these recent Glenn guy I mean they came out there

and they're they're poised you know they sit up straight they deliver it right on it kills every time always gets a laugh and if you notice if a joke didn't get a laugh from one of them they harped on it right they'd be like oh I go back to that one joke how about that huh you guys left me high and dry and you're like oh they left me high and dry on 14 jokes but you don't see me it was rough and they kept being like do this bit and this they were so nice and so helpful but I just couldn't remember it's old but you for people I don't know about you I think you're similar you do especially you shoot it and then you just forget that material I can't even remember people will quote jokes and I'm like I said that I think we write a lot of jokes we were very prolific

I hope and so these guys go we want you to do this joke from from your whatever show and you go oh I put that to bed that's like an old relative I shot it in the head and then rabies I buried it it's done yeah and I never loved her to begin with you got that right but I never bought my wife so anyway we did the show and it's like it was like a beat it was a whirlwind I haven't had that feeling in years when we finished and it went okay and it'll edit well I hope but I was like man I felt defeated I rode in the back like they want us all to take our own car because of COVID which is silly and I would Luke Monus and I like held on to each other tight and rode in the same car and we were like we got to kill ourselves yeah and then you arrived I think two days later yes

and so I tried to really give you the warning and you were not heeding no heed no heed no I I said I got a guy tinerary I'm going all in I got the lady here we're gonna really fuck Prince Harry and Meghan Markle and the other guy I killed princess die I mean I was busy I had a I had a schedule I wanted things to hit and so then you were worse than me I'm just gonna come right out yeah I mean we were in the meeting and I had we had the same thing because we're in the meeting and I was like I just I can't read I was like I didn't know like I kept being like I didn't know that we talked about this in the show I swear to God I have a learning disability yeah it was like italicized and he's like they were really concerned but you made me look like fucking uh you know who's

who's a smart person hawking yeah hockey I was gonna go hockey but that felt obvious I already used rain that earlier I just died also obvious what's that guy Milton no no Newton Newton you look like Isaac Newton there we go gravity because you were like full retard I mean I went tropic thunder I read like half the shit and had a couple things and was like boo I don't know how to read yeah you were like uh huh uh I mean it was ugly in the room to paint a pic they do a little rehearsal thing where they want to get us all together around a big conference table and the whole staff is there they're all wearing masks there's a camera there there's the main guy in a suit going okay what about this what about that and you go oh I got

and he goes have you been working and I go I got it all up here big poppa it was planned which doesn't make sense because if I had it up here I would just say it of course you know and they were on to me I was selling you out too because I was I was that guy I was the shithead two days earlier and so when you were doing that I was like how about this thanks for the help there yeah I was throwing in my own jokes racial jokes pedophile jokes which we're doing okay in the room but I had I was I was scrounging oh you did a couple that didn't even make sense he's like foods and songs and then you were like led zeppelin hot dog and I was like oh that's bad tell tell people it's like this thing was so much longer than a show like

this should be though it was like three and a half hour if you think of like at midnight yeah I've done that five six times it was easy easy it seemed like your packet because mark sent me the packet too and I was like I'll help out you know it's bad then I saw how long it was and I was like this is fucked up yeah it seems like it was worth like four episodes of at midnight yeah it was so long you gotta write thank you like six to eight jokes for each and it was about four or five pages long yeah jokes and some of you have to memorize too so you have to not only write it we have to member memorize them and then send them from a live audience on camera which will be on tv it's it's a lot and do a stand-up set and be quick and be funny and be charming and be whatever

professional so I eventually got into my head and I go I'm cracking the books tonight I'm on tomorrow I have a noon call I haven't even opened this thing and I just went all in I put the coffee on a little candle I'd prayed to Allah five times and I just sucked it up and did it and you were there it was I struggled it was okay it was okay it was better than my first one all right thank you really came through but man it was it was it was tough sledding there was 18 different categories I just I just read it 18 18 you'd have five or six jokes like you said memorize and then you do stand-up in the middle of all that that's fucking crazy that's it was a lot but then it makes sense because you're like oh they flew us first class both ways put us in a five-star hotel

and gave us a chunk of cash yep so where are the assholes for just being like ah whatever agreed but I will say this the quiz show or what do they call those shows over there panel show panel those are big there they have multiple ones they have mocked the week and other one this was a new one coming out so those are that's like they're bread and butter and I don't think they realize we don't have these so when you send us over there you gotta prep us on what the fuck this shit it this is because I think a lot of these comedians out there this is their whole job is these type of shows so they know what what it entails and how much work it is they probably get some writers they probably help they get some help we didn't know any of that and so we're just like hey we're

funny guys we'll go out there and yuck it up and talk about tea and crumpets and whatever we were on well what my thing is when I think of a panel show I'm thinking podcast I think we're just riffing it off the cuff so I was like you got it dude yes I was like I'll come in and cut it out I'm like I'll just kick ass that's good stuff and uh yeah I mean my best writing was it was like song and food and I was like like a rolling scone yeah I was like how do you like that yeah and there was a couple Tuesdays in the crowd I might add and we apologize because that was a four hour shoot with a lot of like give me a laugh up here give me a laugh down here you know all the all the bullshit warm-up exercises and they had to just sit through a lot of bad zingers you want to

know something crazy here's what's crazy I keep talking about it then now it's blowing my mind they're still there don't say Sloan though who's the host she's there right now all the producers they're still in the office right now briefing people taping brutal I am so glad to be gone look I love London I love top secret we got to talk about that but man am I happy to be home top secret the best boy I was just having the time of my life over there so I got to tell you so much so you got me in a top secret you you had to bail so I got in with mark by the way bail can I just say this relative there are little disorganized over there and like we got you for Friday you're on the website and I'm like I leave Thursday I never was available Friday so I threw them your

name yeah so I hit this guy up he's like please come on by it's a great little system over there what they got it's this it's this comedy club I guess called top secret they have an upstairs small room and a downstairs big room yes and they do an intermission and they pack it out it's amazing it's a hot crowd it's young people it's a sweaty room low ceilings and it's run like a tight tight asshole it's just upstairs downstairs like they go on a break they go you're on in five nobody goes long they light you they give you two lights in London yes they light you when you have two minutes then one minute which I like yes and so here's my story I go in first night that I'm there I had the set of my life on both shows unbelievable unbelievable I'm getting carried out of there

there's Tuesdays I'm taking photos and mark sees this and he's like oh shit I gotta book this guy again I go back the next night I finish wrapping the show I got no black car I said fuck the hotel take me to top secret he goes you got it and I went there and I ate shit what I didn't eat shit but it was a it was Saturday night and it was a different group interesting it wasn't like comedy it was like night drunk people like date night layeth a little later and it was later and I got heckled I got one guy booed me when I said retard I mean it was a different vibe well I mean I had something similar-ish my first one was a Saturday or Friday night and just blew the roof and doors and windows and the janitor out of the place yeah and then I came back Sunday 5 30 show

oh that's early and it wasn't a bomb but it was it was tough sledding it was it wasn't easy yeah it was it wasn't great but then back around the weekdays yeah man yeah hey you know I guess it's the same as any other club especially it's weird when you do a club for the first time and it's like the best exactly so you think oh it's always like this and then when you have a mediocre you're like ah that hurt right but let's say we're speaking of mediocre we got to talk about the old comedy store if you want I don't want to bring back an old nom flashback or trigger you this one was rough and I don't want to give too many details because I don't want this lady to find out in firebomb oh she's a scary lady so it's very exciting I had a guy helping me out Tom

Pac-Man ah yeah a British guy who lives here and he works for a company that helps American comics so shout out to Tom PM Pac-Man surprise he didn't ghost you all right what are these noises it sounds like a hurricane yeah that's crazy it sounds like a like a subway's coming by oh yeah all right it's god I think it's a big whoosh we got a pipe here and somebody took a turd alert amber turd uh grumpy oh thank you put that on your show that was tight and high it was like a little uh like a military haircut and tight I was like it was like they were warming up for taps it's like my ex high and tight but um yeah so this guy's I've never heard these sounds before can the crap treene out there it's you know it sounds like it sounds like one of those

huge like garage doors or like a huge metal yeah very strange when you wake up in hawaii and you're like oh the ocean sounds like big waves coming big kahuna all right so then the guy I've got top secret up the end of like take it over top secret they're on every show the guy's just handing your fistfuls of cash the math doesn't even make sense he gave me like $61 one night and he gave me change another night did you did you flip it yet or what do you call it exchange it yeah I've been home for a month okay that was a big big big moment flipping that dough I know and it's it's the reverse of what we've always had the pound is worth more than cat American money so I handed them 300 pounds and they handed me back 480 bucks or something like that you got that right it was great it was like

we traded in Shelby for Chuck yeah there's your compliment you get one a year soaking up no call him fat ah I thought he was saying you who is better oh we heard it we handed in some and got got better okay well I'm not calling you fat I'm calling you fatter than Shelby I guess it was a compliment it was a compliment yeah you're better than Shelby yeah a piece of string cheese is fatter than Shelby I mean that guy was grasping for life at the end but continue there sloppy Joe you're not bad I feel bad I'm just kidding you've lost a lot of weight that was that was what I was going for we handed in a little and got back a lot I like it that's better yeah I don't know whatever it doesn't make sense I feel bad ah you're good fatty keep it rolling hey bread and butter

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and you can get an extra three months for free expressvpn.com slash Tuesdays back to the show by the way if you're not watching the video yeah i guess you really we're ruining the show you're missing out it's uh it's no good so get on the youtube yes all right so wait what happened do we i cut you off oh yeah no i cut myself up oh the guy slammed the door oh big slam big slam this is no good summer slam it's no good no good and we got eight more episodes to go what's hilarious is when we're walking to the hallway we're like whispering because we don't want to be assholes then we come in here and just start screaming yeah it's like clown car let out so i'm at top secret then the guy messes and you know me i don't like to have too much insanity going so the guy i got

two spots at top secret then he gets a message can you do the comedy store legendary club of course of course right in the heart of lester square so i'm like well we'll see what time and it worked out because my my uh spots at top secret like 9 30 and then comedy store 8 30 and they're about 10 minute walks i was like okay this is perfect we're singing and we brought the whole gang we had all the comics we followed you because we're like hey i want to see the comedy store the whole guy it was ismail luffy who's fun and luke monas who's fun and you and so now i'm the guy from out of the country doing a guest spot who's showing up with three friends three books so we get there this is a serious club this is like the comedy seller of london of course so we go up there and

it's like a door guy in the security and i have to be like hey i'm on the show and these are my three buddies yeah which is just egregious yeah and it's a little amateury too you know like hey i got my crew here what do we uh you know eddie griffin so we go down single five and there's like four windows you have to get through so every person i had to be like i brought three friends is that okay and then they give you tickets and stamps silly and i'm like i can't have my friends these are comics yes sitting in there with tv credits you got that right we're here to film a show yeah so then i go back i got to talk to like the the sound guy and i go into the green room i got to talk to them like can i bring three american comedians back here and then there's four of that there's

four people in the green room dressing room at the comedy store oh yeah keep it low i go in i'm like can i bring in three more comics and then of course they're comics so they start ball busting they're like oh you can't whatever yeah and then there's a lady there oh god and it's always hard because when you're visiting a town you feel very like stupid you're walking into their group yeah you're on their turf yes and i try to be mindful of this when people are visiting new york yes but it's not people always like oh the comics are clicky but i'm like they're just friends and then there's a non-friend there so they're just talking to their friends so i go can i bring in my three friends they go yeah and there's one lady there she's like whoa are you joe list are you the famous

guy uh i hate the famous which feels a little antagonistic little aggressive she's like you're the famous they told us is a famous guy on you're some famous guy doing a spot yeah and i go no i'm not famous but anyways i'm gonna bring my friends in so then you guys all come in it's a tiny green room it's tiny studio by the way if you're famous you'd know that the whole thing doesn't make sense i know it's it's like being like you're are you the rich guy are you the millionaire it's the same thing where you're like now you make me feel weird yes and i'm not famous because none of you know who i am exactly anyway so she's a little strange and so we all come in there and she's like the dominant one she's doing all the talking you got that right this and that and then she starts

saying by the way the comics couldn't have been nicer then she starts saying and i assumed this woman's a comic i did too yeah so we thought she was just a kooky comic and she starts talking about austin texas and she just never she's just really bowling over everybody yes she was the alpha yes and then she starts talking about how this is a benefit which i did not know a benefit about for abusive relationship they're raising money for people to abuse some i didn't quite domestic abuse you know hitting the hitting the gals there domestic abuse and she's tired of giving us stats like one in three murder victims as a woman one in two women will be beaten and this is a comedy club folks you know we're about to go on and we're getting pummeled

with the stats ironically we're getting hit so these are serious stats and it's serious business and i feel terrible for the women who have been abused sure but at the same time i'm nervous i'm honest i'm going on in eight minutes i'm a guest in a world famous comedy club yeah you're in europe first and i'm up first and she's like you cannot talk about relationship you can't talk about this you can't talk about that and then one of the comics black guy started to be like who are you to say what we could exactly he kind of got into it with her by the way and then she pointed to a woman who was in a burka is that the right turn that doesn't matter i'm just painting a picture that part doesn't matter but she's a woman she's like she can talk about whatever she

wants which doesn't really fly that doesn't make sense that's when the the guy started to be like what does that mean i don't get it he's like i'm gonna talk about whatever i want and i appreciated him and then we kind of got distracted because it was like that one of those tense arguments you're like okay but they started debating but this this whole idea of like you can't talk about anything but she can yeah i don't understand that it negates the whole thing like can we talk about this or can we not but you can because you have a vagina and you can't because you're a dick it it's all topsy turvy it was quite puzzling but it was enough to throw me into like uh i can't talk oh Jesus this is a benefit and then i'm like asking quietly i'm like

how many the audience because it was packed i was like how many people are just regular we're going to see a show and how many people are here for like a domestic violence thing yeah and then the lady so this is when we find out she goes on first to talk about the charity always great comedy which is when we realize that she's not a comedian right you got that right which before i try to be really love all comedians so what if she's not a comedian i'm like fuck this woman yeah she's out i was like holding on to some liking of her because she's a comic i thought she was crazy yeah so then you're just like who is this woman why so she goes up and talks about a domestic abuse oh yeah hilarious uh and it was like serious domestic abuse talk and i'm like oh my god this

is brutal so now i'm all in my head i'm all nervous i'm all anxious then i go on stage and the woman that woman comes and sits in the second row second row with her friend also a woman and my whole at my opening joke is about wanting to kill yourself yeah right away they were like this oh i watched her watch you they start like talking to each other like that and they're right there i know so then i clam i was clam you choke oh my god i choked i clammed it was just brutal and then i start talking about my wife because i my whole act is about relationship sure and you gotta make fun of her that's comedy so i'm just like shitting on a woman i'm like she's older than me she sucks she's this she's that dumb i want to hit her and then

and then they're just like the whole time they're like doing this oh it was like a cartoon yeah it was rough and and you know this is all compounding so now you got i'm the visitor i'm in a foreign country i'm going up first it's an abuse thing she's in the front row all my actors or most of my acts is about material i mean about relationships it's a lot of uh shit swirling above you it's all pipes and i i'm famous for god sakes and and the the book is there the local comics are there and it's packed and i'm getting like teas right and then i'm trying i have another joke i realize i say continent so i had to like edit that i edit like the best punch lines in a bit on the fly i ate a bag of cheese i went to the comedy store and ate shit it was fascinating to watch and i

felt for you because we then you go to top secret your murder i had top secret i got him on tape it's like the two best sets i've ever had in my life same exact material but you're loose and you're delivering it and there's not someone talking about domestic violence and i just think that is not a play if you have a foundation for domestic violence god of course do stand up have it have a cornhole tournament or a softball tournament or a boxing tournament or some kind of thing it's like doing a a diabetes uh talking at a candy store or like the hershey plant like what are we doing here this is a comedy club it's just not your benefit place to get the the word out on domestic abuse and it's just uh you have to be uninhibited to properly do stand up comedy

you gotta be rules agreed agreed uh so it was it was tough and uh the whole walk over the top secret but it's amazing how it just turns around you go on a top secret and just rock and roll over there you got that right it i don't know what what do you think because i i had those hot sets at top secret then i had the the mediocre sets where like i could see they were like this guy's offensive he's a bad guy he's edgy or whatever the hell they want to say he's inappropriate he's problematic and you go well what do i do here do i change my act to to fit them or do i just go to my own people but then you're like i want to be good for everybody right so it's it's this weird thing where i'm in the shower like what do i do here do i try to appease the haters and change

for them or do i just stick with the people like me or is that is that a cop out now you don't appease the haters that's for sure unless you're in a situation where it's like this is a benefit and you'll ruin our night if you talk about it that's the situation where you're like i didn't i wouldn't have said yes to this i see you need to have you know whoever and there's great comics that can be clean and that's what i'm saying i want to be a great comic but there's great comics that aren't that the best true all right okay you got a point okay i mean when you name your favorite comedians you're not most of them aren't squeaky clean true true but i mean maybe maybe seinfeld i guess reagan gaffigan yeah i guess some of them are there's some great ones but you know you

also know we know a lot of bad comedians who just stick with their people and they do their little bubble and they don't grow and they don't get better and they just it's a grievance comedy well you don't be that either but you don't want to do it for your people you want to do what you think is funny sure and then the people come to you i mean that's like that's what the real great artist you look to dylan yes bob dylan they're like booing them up today but he just found a new audience he's like this is what i'm doing because this is what i want to do so you got to do what you want to do what's in your heart what's in your fart and what makes you laugh shark box shark tank and as bob dylan also said it's important for an artist to never arrive at a place

huh i gotta what do you want to be you know with the flights we got to arrive hand depart what are you talking about well you don't want to just be i'm this now i'm this i do this thing for these people you want to reinvent yeah you want to you know you want to do what you want to do right i mean look at carlin i mean bill burr said it well he said carlin every seven years became a different comedian and said if you're coming with me great if you don't fuck you i'm i'm going this way there you go fuck you i'm getting in the plane not getting on the plane the terminal snack bar he was fun good good comic but yeah okay that helps i'm in the tub going what do i do do i become more like them do i appease don't appease well i had this two

specials ago i literally was like you know what there's so much money in clean yeah i used to do clean i'm gonna do a clean hour just to show everybody i can yeah i'll do some corporate i'll i'll just fuck i'll get out you get on more serious radio yep and i'm like i'm gonna make way more money because i'll be a clip i'm gonna do a clean hour yeah and then i'll go do whatever i want and then i started writing and then you're like the first joke i come up with is a shit joke and then another shit joke and then a sex joke whatever happens you're like i'm gonna talk about that because that's funny oh that watch and i think you hate the watch you're pretty clean like i wouldn't call you a dirty comedian i don't know i don't know i've just like i think both of us

like i'll talk about gay and black and jube and you'll talk about shit and fuck and quiff but i wouldn't put us in the raunchy category but not raunchy but not clean it's not like this raunchy and clean we're in between but i'm saying i don't think we're we're horrific you know some people are like jesus i saw their act and now i need a shower i don't think we're that no but it's like it's a bunch of shit jokes that's a lot of sex jokes but you gotta joke like it on a roller coaster that's true but even in that i'm like talking about kissing a kid that's true and then i talk about suicide so it's like it's a subtle day i'm like well you're talking clean clean like perform for an abused wives foundation or the pope in the gaffigan right that becomes clean is like a crazy

thing now clean as you can't be like referencing killing yourself no which i do in every other joke i got that old story i this kid saw me somewhere and he goes i do a show a church show in harlem and can you be clean for 10 minutes i said yeah 10 minutes i got that church show i love harlem i love god let's do it i was killing five minutes in i go so my gay roommate and he goes i'm like wait a minute he said clean he's like you can't talk about fucking gays i was like that's clean he's like he's he's he exists he's my roommate he couldn't he couldn't understand it yeah that's tough well that's clean i wasn't fucking the gay roommate i wasn't blowing the gay roommate he was blowing me yeah that's totally clean yes i cleaned up after clean is my gun

yeah hotter than a two dollar pistol all right so we got well i still we have to wrap it up here i feel like this has been going on for a month 57 57 57 chevy yes there you go you should see what a 44 magnet can do a woman's pussy that you should see um all right we gotta wrap it up we gotta we it's a big day over here did you bring a change of outfits i forgot i got seven t-shirts over here because i'm recording two in one day because i'm going away for a month can i borrow maybe i'll just wear the backpack or something well i gotta roll up a little see yeah all right but uh we gotta wrap up with big big things big news happening i gotta plug i keep forgetting to plug i'm doing i have a job in baseball i'm doing a show how cool is that it's wednesday nights

from seven to ten eastern time you do the math for all the other time zones it's pblroundup.com it's me and tom brennan wow the legend legendary broadcaster and uh bill vivasi i think it's how you say his name is an old gm for the anaheim angel seattle mariners and we're talking baseball we had pete rose on i chatted with pete rose rosey we had charles barkley on the bark all we're all gambling addicts uh it's crazy i'm on there i'm bad at i'm bad at promoting we got uh michael jordan on next week and um yeah norm mcdonnell and arty lang coming on um but check it out wednesday nights pblroundup.com it's the pioneer baseball league and then the big big crazy news if you want to go watch the premiere of the movie fourth of july the trailer is out go watch it if you

want to see the premiere you gotta act fast because we got june 30th beacon theater july first schubert theater july second vic theater in chicago limited tickets available we're in the couple hundreds left in all three shows so get them today wow i'm gonna watch the movie will be louie and i doing q and a with ron bennington speaking of legends they're gonna be fun magical nights come on out get yourself a ticket i'm out of comp so don't ask oh shit i was gonna ask you're out of town well my lady wants to go uh we can probably find her but now here's the annoying question that you're not gonna like oh boy are you filming it the beacon i gotta reach out to sweet lou big lou i don't know i think we should i think you should put it on the

youtube's uh jason cats offered to do it so even if it's just a clip or a real or what do you call it a uh the highlights just the high we don't need to see the full hour but just give me the good yeah maybe we'll get we'll maybe we'll film it it will be on serious read the audio be on serious that's gonna play that's something so uh it's gonna be big it's gonna be fun get excited and the movie will stream uh later down the road but it's gonna be in the local theaters and reach out to your local theater email them tweet and say we want to see fourth of july and our goddamn theater here here good good time the beacon jerry i can't believe it that's so prestigious it's such a 300 or 3000 cedar yeah it's like 28 something by the way i gotta i'll

tease i went to see nate saturday night there's your tease for next week is he in town he was at the beacon whoa yeah two shows i can't wait to hear about this all right so that's the beauty of new york there's something there's every kind of person here you know you go hey they're doing a trump rally in manhattan who's gonna go to that shit and then it fills up then they have a k-pop band at the gargoyle who's going to that shit it fills up new york has everything eight and a half million oh i gotta plug stand-up dates too sorry punchline san francisco this weekend uh i think there's limited tickets available for that too and then vancouver rickshaw theater on sunday somebody walked me to the gate i'm i'm scared to death i heard it's all kukes kukville june 24th

and 25th at lanta punchline the weekend before that in between the two mogubis there we go okay yeah for the guy who takes off you know goes to concerts goes overseas takes main goes swimming you got a lot cooking you got a movie coming out you just put a special out which i believe is a nipping at the one million heels yeah nine and a half hundred thousand oh let's push that over this week this week and uh yeah movie coming out new material doing the road i uh i'm at mogubis this weekend lexington houston san antonne chicago cleveland minneapolis and uh all kinds of stuff mark know my comedy i come that the winter dates are coming out i'm doing the wilbur i'm really pushing for it we're going to bean town we're going all over seattle portland vancouver and uh yeah

check out all the goods whatever i got a patreon to get on our patreon and uh yeah i'm excited to see the movie can't wait georgia st cut it braze i love you